Thursday, December 22, 2011

The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You

I recently had the following conversation with a friend of mine:
"Dude, that girl I really liked - remember, the one from the beach? She resurfaced the other day. She texted me out of the blue. She is going to be in town for the holidays."
"Really? The half-Italian girl? She was pretty hot if I remember correctly. That's cool, but be careful with it - I've had girls I was into resurface like that before, and it's tough. This time you have to have complete control of the situation - show no weakness."
"Yeah man, I know. It's just hard to do that. I am trying to keeping my expectations low this time. I know I need to act around her the way I act around girls that are way into me. It's just so much more easily said than done..."
"I hear ya man. That's the irony of it all. When I am really into a girl, I somehow fuck it up. When I don't care at all, they fall in love with me. It sucks."
I am sure most people can identify with the sentiment, because the same phenomenon happens among women. It is partially the result of what one amusingly accurate website calls "ladder theory," whereby both sexes are constantly trying to attract the best possible mate of the opposite sex. In other words, it is a by-product of the fact that most single people are constantly trying to play out of their league. So maybe the girl that resurfaced in my life recently is simply too good for me, and my attempts to attract her are futile, even if I play my cards right.

However, irrespective of a guy's true value, there is no denying that there is also a large element of control involved: guys can either play their cards right, or "fuck it up," and their ability to do one or the other is closely linked to their confidence. So, for example, even though I might actually be out of this girl's league, the fact that I think she is a ten will initially make it harder for me to demonstrate my true value to her, since I will be less confident in her presence.

I don't think this is news to most people. What I really want to point out is the implication for women:
If a guy is genuinely very confident around you, he probably doesn't feel a strong attraction to you. If he is nervous or awkward around you, he is probably very attracted to you. These are the extremes of a linear scale, so that you can conclude that his confidence is proportional to his indifference.

This seems obvious, particularly the second point. But time and time again I see girls get their hopes up about the fact that a really hot guy gives her attention, even though the quality of that same attention should actually be a warning sign that he isn't that into her. (And anyway, if he is the rare exception to the rule and really is genuinely confident, even around women he really likes, playing a little hard to get won't dissuade him from trying again.)

The best way to judge his confidence is by contrasting his behavior towards you with his behavior towards others, since he could be generally confident, or generally shy. You should also be wary of false confidence, which some men put on when they are interacting with a girl they think is out of their league. Most women can pick up on this intuitively, but it usually manifests itself as excessive cockiness or excessive teasing, and frequently can be read in his body language. Finally, try to judge his actions when he is sober, since alcohol changes the way he acts and usually boosts his confidence.

(Note that over time, he may become comfortable around you and his confidence may grow. This post applies mostly to initial interactions.)


  1. What do you make of a situation where the confidence(I believe it was a false confidence to begin with, a show if you will) has waned. He now acts lesser confident/awkward: doesn't say hi, little to no eye contact, nervousness.

    I have resorted to pretty much ignoring him and being myself with everyone else. How do get the upper hand in the situation or at least get a gauge of his interest?

    1. He's trying to internally get over you. However, attraction isn't that easy so he will resort to trying to ignore you and stay out of your presence as much as possible.

    2. This is real! This is 100% accurate. Man, where were you when I needed to hear this four years ago? Would have been way easier than trying to figure it out on my own.

    3. The thing that I am struggling with is that... I've been on a few dates with this man and it's crazy bc we both have really strong feelings for one another that I can't explain and I know it's probably too soon to feel that way about someone but I know he feels it to. This guy literally has everything I've ever wanted to find in a person like faith, a big gentle heart, very sweet, affectionate, says things to me that I've always wanted to hear from a man, makes me feel amazing and like I'm worth something to fight for. He even is incredibly gifted in the bedroom lol and can talk really sexy but also can connect at the same time emotionally and talk in a strong serious manner that makes me feel secure and safe like I can trust him. So yea the sex is something different with him that ive never expieranced with someone else. The problem is...when we are let's say just sitting together alone watching a movie and cuddling, about to kiss sometimes, and saying goodbye... He talks in this almost high pitch manner like a baby thinking he's being cute with me. It honestly is a HUGE TURN OFF and makes me feel kinda sick inside. I don't know if maybe he has ever been in a serious relationship before or if it's because he's super shy or might even be socially awkward.

      I think he notices this in his behavior towards me because he will ask me..."am I weird?" "Do you think I'm weird?" Or sometimes he will laugh at himself and say that he's weird. Now naturally my instincts are to say no of course not or no I think your just shy or nervous etc.

      According to your article from my perception your saying if a man is super shy it means they really like a girl. If they are super confident it means they are less interested in someone.

      It's not like we don't have serious really deep and meaningful conversations bc we definitely do. I know he's a very smart guy and is perfectly capable of such. It just really is frustrating to me when he acts awkward or says things like "David likes lisa" (in that baby sounding voice) when I talk normal after he does that it's almost like he knows I don't want to play along bc he will then ask "Are you feeling ok?" I just need some advice in how the heck to tell him that his baby voice or dumbing your self down kind of talk, drives me away and makes me feel sick and creeps me out.
      -please help ?

    4. The thing that I am struggling with is that... I've been on a few dates with this man and it's crazy bc we both have really strong feelings for one another that I can't explain and I know it's probably too soon to feel that way about someone but I know he feels it to. This guy literally has everything I've ever wanted to find in a person like faith, a big gentle heart, very sweet, affectionate, says things to me that I've always wanted to hear from a man, makes me feel amazing and like I'm worth something to fight for. He even is incredibly gifted in the bedroom lol and can talk really sexy but also can connect at the same time emotionally and talk in a strong serious manner that makes me feel secure and safe like I can trust him. So yea the sex is something different with him that ive never expieranced with someone else. The problem is...when we are let's say just sitting together alone watching a movie and cuddling, about to kiss sometimes, and saying goodbye... He talks in this almost high pitch manner like a baby thinking he's being cute with me. It honestly is a HUGE TURN OFF and makes me feel kinda sick inside. I don't know if maybe he has ever been in a serious relationship before or if it's because he's super shy or might even be socially awkward.

      I think he notices this in his behavior towards me because he will ask me..."am I weird?" "Do you think I'm weird?" Or sometimes he will laugh at himself and say that he's weird. Now naturally my instincts are to say no of course not or no I think your just shy or nervous etc.

      According to your article from my perception your saying if a man is super shy it means they really like a girl. If they are super confident it means they are less interested in someone.

      It's not like we don't have serious really deep and meaningful conversations bc we definitely do. I know he's a very smart guy and is perfectly capable of such. It just really is frustrating to me when he acts awkward or says things like "David likes lisa" (in that baby sounding voice) when I talk normal after he does that it's almost like he knows I don't want to play along bc he will then ask "Are you feeling ok?" I just need some advice in how the heck to tell him that his baby voice or dumbing your self down kind of talk, drives me away and makes me feel sick and creeps me out.
      -please help ?

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  2. what would you say about a guy who seems like he is trying very hard to impress you, and acting cocky?

  3. "What do you make of a situation where the confidence(I believe it was a false confidence to begin with, a show if you will) has waned... How do get the upper hand in the situation or at least get a gauge of his interest?"

    You already have the upper hand, and you know he is interested due to his nervousness around you.

    If you still like him, ignoring him is the wrong way to get him. You actually need to encourage him, and initiate yourself. The whole idea of not initiating is a defensive strategy, which usually is the natural trend of things, since men are normally on the offense. However, because you are (and IF you are) actually interested in a guy that is not taking the offensive position anymore, the rules actually change slightly. I wouldn't assume the offensive role indefinitely, tough; just encourage him enough to let him know that he can assume it again himself. Once he starts taking the initiative, you can fall back into being pursued, though don't make it difficult for him unless you start to get the impression that he might have changed his mind and might not like you anymore.

  4. "what would you say about a guy who seems like he is trying very hard to impress you, and acting cocky?"

    I would say he likes you, but it is hard to say how much he likes you. This is what I meant when I said "You should also be wary of false confidence, which some men put on when they are interacting with a girl they think is out of their league."

    If you like him, follow the advice I give in the comment above: make it easy for him until he gets comfortable (you will probably see him start being less cocky but more naturally confident when this happens), and then start to gauge his interest by making him initiate, etc.

  5. can you give me some good examples of offensive strategy things I can do to get his attention and make him feel comfortable? I mostly see him in peer settings or at his work. Is touching okay? We have hugged a few times before, his initiative. I thought about coming up behind him and scratching his back. Or maybe when I catch his attention, when we haven't had a chance to take yet and do a small wave. I want to do something sexy and alluring.

  6. It depends so much on the situation (especially when it is in a professional setting) that I can't really say what would be appropriate/effective. I think it is more important that you embrace the message of this post

  7. You make some pretty gross presumptions here.

  8. Do you feel the same way about women?
    I get a tad shy around guys I like. If it's not serious, it's fine. Last year, I met a guy, and the first time we met he said something (a comment about how my name resembled a pet name), I blushed, he smiled and he still seemed interested. Later on, he mentioned how I seemed "shy" but I got the impression he found it attractive.
    But it bothers me that I get insecure around a guy I like. I care too much what he thinks of me, and if he's caught my interest, it doesn't matter if he's objectively "below my league". I find myself always being extremely self-conscious around a guy I like. I question if there is a remote possibility that he likes my friend more than me, even if he has shown no interest in her. If he has me on facebook, I'm worried he'll find my sister. She's 'objectively' about the same league as me, but there is a chance he'll find her more attractive.
    I don't know why I feel this way. I am known as a "hot girl" at school and I generally get a lot of attention in bars/clubs. I was a nerd growing up, and I feel like I'll never get the confidence of a girl who's been "hot" all along. Do you have any tips? Even if my shyness and insecurity doesn't directly affect my chances with men, it's an inconvenience for me personally.

    1. Read this post: Learn How to Be Social

      Insecurity can affect your chances with men. Men don't need a woman to be socially dominant, but they do want someone who is fluid in social settings and can have fun. Extroversion and openness are female qualities that most men find attractive. If you can exercise them, do so. The post linked above should help.

  9. Could you help me understand this one guy I know,please,as I need a little help on what to think.We met each other at the same time he went through a divorce and kinda became friendly,but we both seem to be attracted to each other.He has been divorced about a year now and I have to say does not seem to be taking it to well.About 6 months ago he said he just wanted to be friends with me when I asked him what was up with him talking to me.Well,6 months later he is still talking to me and even seems to be trying to spend time around me.There is still an attraction there,and I am pretty sure for us both.My question is,is he thinking about me maybe being dating potential,or is he just a friend?He knows very well that I am a long term kinda girl who has never been easy for anyone.

    1. Your a rebound. Wtf is it with women who fall for the sad gutless divorced coward how is that hot ?

  10. What if he doesn't talk to girls in general and acts awkward around most girls, but one? As in he teases this particular girl lightly and has a normal conversation with her without being as awkward as he is when he talks to all the other girls...

    1. Then he feels comfortable with you because he views himself as better than you Unfortunatley. Nice friend to have but that's all don't hope for anything further unless you want to be the submissive lower type.

  11. I like this guy at work. I'm a manager, he's not, and he's not directly a subordinate. He seems really cocky and is always joking and poking fun with other colleagues.He does this with other managers as well.
    With me he's always so formal or worse , ignores me. I find him staring at me, listing to my conversations. He seeks eye contact, but I like him so much that I avoid it for fear of it being seen by others. If we are in the same room we can't even get words out. If I say hello, he replies when he's already past me. The whole thing makes me want to cry. I just want to go up to him and shake him. I'm very sociable. I feel like writing him on Facebook, but it seems childish. Help!!

  12. Ask him for his personal email and then ask him in an email out for a drink. At the cafe, say, "Sorry for the subterfuge, but it's not appropriate for me to say this at the office. I would like to explore a dating relationship with you, and I think you feel the same way. What do you think about that?" He'll either fall over with shock, or you'll watch him exhale and immediately start to transition into the guy he is with others. If he mans up and starts acting in the way you like, tell him to ask you out for a second date. On the second date he should pick you up at home. You have to transition him from his office-subordinate role to dating-superordinate role.

    Be very careful you aren't violating company HR policies. Normally these are only enforced against men, but you never know. Your guy may be terrified of violating policy, incidentally, in addition to crushing on you. Because a single sexual harassment charge by your HR people will ruin him in his current job. Companies regularly ruin men for precisely the interest that you, as a woman, are expressing. So aside from not wanting to embarrass himself by misreading your interest in him, he may be doubly shy because your company kicks the crap out of guys who get involved in office romances.

  13. I know he likes me. He gets nervouse and his face goes bright red. Hes then embarrassed about his Red face.
    He looks at me and if I see him he turns away quickly and his face is bright red. He is also aware of how I feel/look. He said *you are tiered tonight* in the middle of a class. He texts to see if Im okay if I have had a bad day. He has also started to place his hands on me. Not in any Pervy way. The problem is im so shy and do into him I crumble when he's near me. Hedis usually very confident around others but he crumbles near me. I don't know how to move on from here.

    1. I would say, spend as much time with each other as possible - "force" yourselves to do it. See it as a "fear" that you have to face and overcome - and you will overcome it if both of you are willing to. This way, you will get more and more comfortable with each other with time.
      Good luck!! :-)

  14. I think it all depends on the way you approach the situation, lowering one's expectation might not be right approach to it.

  15. This is on the dot. I've misread awkward and nervous guys as uninterested when they were incredibly so and misread confident guys as being super interested. Rarely do guys respond with very natural confidence when they give a crap. Wondering if he doesn't care at all or is nervous and awkward because he likes you? My favorite way to tell is shown by this video : Men are just as confusing as we are.

  16. Can you please help me and answer to your best knowledge.
    There is this guy and we were talkin, and we also met. He told me that I make him feel nervous and uncomfortable. After that there was no communication. He was trying to totally ignore me. (and I did like the guy)
    After some time(months) we started communicating again.
    Can you please explain why would he be nervous and uncomfortable around me that he even accepts it? and why would he ignore me. Is it a possible dislike?
    Please answer.

  17. Would you consider a man making extended eye contact indicating a wish for conversation/ instant attraction a confident gesture or a nervous one if he never speaks to you? This is also in classroom settings in a collegiate environment.

    Also, how do you make it easier for a man attracted to you at the gym to approach you? For instance, if they make fleeting yet purposeful eye contact numerous times and follow you from a gym room to the next, how are you supposed to indicate you'd be amenable to conversation?

  18. So Theres a guy in my math class. We hit it off pretty well. We started flirting a lot actually he always tried to get my attention. I really really liked him until he got a new phone. Well, He got the iphone 5s and on his homescreen background i saw a girl most likely posing in the mirror as his background. it seemed to me it was his gf? well after i saw that, i didnt think i was supposed to see it. After that, it became very awkward, we talk less, its kinda hard to even greet each other in class anymore, it takes time to say hi to each other because we're both waiting on each other to say hi first. He even sits next to me. i don't know what's happening. I don't want to ask him because i don't want him to know that I "care". Any advice? did i read mixed signals wrong? should I friendzone him first? or keep trying?

    1. it's probably all in your head that it's now awkward. like it's only awkward on your end but you're projecting your awkward feelings onto him, so he's vibing awk off of your awkward vibes. he probably has no clue that you even saw his home screen and even if he knew, and you kept acting normally, he would have kept acting normally too (flirting etc.). he sounds like a player type, keep flirting with him if you want to be one of like five girls, or his side chick.

    2. Deadddd at side chick. You read my mind. Smh!

  19. Hi i need advice !, it doesnt mibd who can help me, i give u guys a background of this, im a average a bit ugly girl, i would say ugly, and this guy who is totally hot, sseems to be always uncomfortable around me, he even asked somebody else, didnt work out, hes always nice to me, when we talked gets red, he blushes n stuff, when we when out once, and i came closer and he was soo awkard it hurts, one more thing remeber that move twiligth when the wolf sees da baby that is supose to be his bride, he gaveme that look!!, so my question is can someone like u for who u r, or is he a retard???, thanxss

  20. I loooove your blog in general and this post in particular. Soo helpful. I have a question though. The ladder theory applies to me exactly...I'm a girl who is talkative around everyone but shy around guys I like.

    I've met this guy who really seemed to like me. He was "chasing" me, and I snubbed him...three times. He was very awkward around me but obviously interested, and I sort of thought he was a loser.
    I didn't realize I liked him back until after I had snubbed him the third time. I basically gave off the message that I never wanted to see him again.
    Well, I then added him on Facebook (we have mutual friends), and he immediately accepted. I 'liked' someof his posts [and an old photo...oops?]. Meaning to (indirectly) apologize for my earlier behavior, I messaged him on Chat. I was slightly tipsy at the time.
    It was VERY awkward. Because I now liked him, I was very embarassed, and I think I said the wrong thing acouple of times. At the start I thought he acted a bit offended but then he seemed kind of excited (lots of exclamation marks). I was very formal. There were awkward silences in between, I think he wasn't sure what to say to me so I took his 'excitement' as fake. Soon after I said I had to go and he was very nice but didn't try to stop me. I figured he'd lost interest.
    BUT when I was sober I looked at the conversation again and realized he made a couple of blunders himself -- like apologizing for saying the wrong thing (he thought) when it took me a few minutes to reply and thanking me for saying something nice to him that wasn't actually meant as a compliment. He was definitely nervous.
    Does that mean he might still like me? Even though I was as awkward as he was and maybe came off as a creep? Or was he just scared of me because he thinks I'm a creepy stalker?
    Thanks in advance. XXX

  21. What if a guy was very confident when we first met, and now after a few dates, is more nervous? Met this guy, very smooth from the get-go. Hung out a few times and this last time he seemed a little more self-concious and physically awkward (tripping, clumsy).

    1. Probably because he was trying his hardest to mask his faults so that you would like him. However people can't help but reveal their faults the more you hangout with someone. More opportunities to to reveal their faults and you catch them off guard. I think we all do this because we want to impress the people that we see as impressive in our eyes.

  22. I just found this post and it's so true!! This guy I dated, when I first met him, he seemed so shy and awkward. I'm a shy person and I didn't think I wanna be in a relationship with someone so much like me. He even told me how he used to be quite the bad boy when he was younger and the whole time I thought, "You?! Really?! You're not outgoing enough for that stuff."

    Anyway, I came to realize that he was indeed quite outgoing. He was very talkative (I would say he talked about 70% of our relationship and I stayed quiet a lot) and he was so comfortable striking a conversation with just about anyone. He admitted that he doesn't get nervous easily but I did it to him and I was actually very flattered. It is definitely the biggest sign I look for when meeting a new guy.

  23. I need some advice! There is this guy who is talkative and quite flirty around other girls, but when he comes around me, he gets all stiffened up. He knows me well, but whenever he is around me, he gets fidgety, quiet, hands in his pockets and sways back and forth (when standing), and sometimes he will say hi to me, and other times, he ignores me. He can talk to (and flirt with) my friends just fine as well, but I can be a ghost to him at times. At some points in time, I catch him looking at me, but I'll look a diffrent way, but when I look back, he could either be looking at me, or already looking a diffrent direction. So what's the deal? Does he like me.....or nah?

    *Btw, he has a gf (she doesnt go to our school), but he still acts like this around me.

    1. Put it this way. If he keeps the other girl, or any other girl, as a gf, then he doesn't like you enough for it to matter.

  24. There's this guy at my highschool who acts confident (not cocky like) around me but other times he acts like I don't exist. What do I do?

    1. Forget it. He's not interested.

  25. Theres a guy at work that seems to flirt with alot of girls but he told one of the girls to ask me if i have a boyfriend and she told me she thinks he likes me because he asks about me, i acted like it was nothing to her, but i think he actually is cute, every time i see him though, he never says hello, or started a conversation only a few times even though i make myself available to where he is, I've caught him looking at me a few times but he quickly looks away or does something else. I dont know if he is just nervous because i'm at a higher authority then he is or if he isnt interested like the girl said. I also recently found out he has a girlfriend and cheated on her because he was at a party where everyone was drunk. I'm thinking i should just be done with it but for some reason im still curious about him.This is one decision that im having difficulty to make, What do you think ?

    1. If you'd be satisfied with it leading to nothing more than a work friendship, then just start talking to him. If you don't care which way it goes, then don't bother with him.

  26. So i met a guy through mutual friends at a party. I had at that time just broken up with my ex. we were flirting and dancing n we were both not sober.. after that we kept in touch as friends for a few months until he one day kissed me.. i dont know how but our relationship went from friendship to a flig immedietly (we kept hooking up) i didnt take it seriously cuz i wasnt really ready for anything serious.. 1 day b4 christmas break he stopped contacting me.. i thought that he didnt want to continue hooking up n i respected that however each time i saw him (in school) he was staring at me with a serious look.. i would say hi n go.. he didnt react much until last day before the break.. he said see you with a big smile... so i thought he wanted to meet up again but he never msged me.. until one day i had enough n i asked him why he was distant he said that he wanted to give me time to think of wat i wanted cuz i just came out of a long term relationship.. i told him i was over it but i didnt understand why he was kind of ignoring me.. n he said that he wanted things to work between us n he missed me etc etc.. i told him ok so everythn is ok between us thats good.. n after that he would talk to me everyday he even gave me a midnight kiss during new years.. n he made sure we met during th break n even after very often.. he started to care more n more for me.. th thing is during this whole time as i was getting to know him i didnt realized that he was shy n nervous around me almost all th time.. i thought that he was stuttering when he spoke bcuz thats th way he was .. i thought that he was fidgiting n fixing his clothes n trying to look good when he saw me was natural in some way.. even his smile was shy.. he was gentle n caring n he was always nervous when he wanted to ask me out.. i misunderstood him as i thought he wasnt.. i saw him being friendly n social n loud when he was with his friends but as soon as i came by he would be quiet.. i didnt think he was shy until my friends pointed it out for me.. i started to like him more bcuz he was kind to me n sweet (i never thought he was shy) until one day he asked me what i wanted something casual or serious n at that moment i thought that i wanted serious bcuz i have always been that girl ,, i dont do casual even though this whole time i was acting as if i wanted that.. n it turned out he wanted casual bcuz he wasnt ready O_o shocking!! he was so persistant with me n he cared so much n i thought thats wat he wanted.. n he said at least not know bcuz i have exams coming up n im afraid that something bad would happen b4 that (he has had bad things happening to him before)... i decided then that we should take a break n we'd see after his exams (i have important exams too) wat would happen.. i thought he didnt want anythn serious but then he said i didnt say that we couldnt get serious but i cant right now.. anyways during this break it was very awkward because we were almost acting as strangers (n we were so close before) when he saw me he would steel glances n i would too.. n he would get nervous when i was close.. we would say hi sometimes n smile.. one time he asked me how i was but i saw he was a little nervous.. th break is going to be 3 months.. n a few days ago i found out from a mutual friend that he is hooking up with a classmate.. someone he had a crush on long time ago.. she just had broken up with her boyfriend n everyone saw her persuing him right after .. n somehow that broke my heart.. cuz i felt like he was easy .. im sure he felt very flattered cuz a girl he used to like n was friend with is into him .. n he seems confident.. n it makes me feel like he was just playing with me.. does this apply to ur post? .. i thought about it.. he is confident n loud with her n very friendly n he seems to be open about his fling with her to everyone.. which he wasnt with me.. does that mean he doesnt care as much about her.. or am i just having my hopes up?
    thanks for your help

    1. This is too hard to get through. Whatever it is, it's all in your head.

  27. I have this friend i really like, he was initially a friend of friend. We talk but not so much when no one is around. He gets really awkward and often blushes when theres only two of us. I already tried my best to be open and made him comfortable around me. I also show signs that im into him, sometimes i even flirted a bit (not too much) sometimes he flirted back in an awkward way lol. Im not sure if he's really into me cos he doesnt seem to make an effort. I just dont want to set an expectation. Help?

    1. He could have that "out of my league" feeling as described in the article. Since you already know he's not going to pursue, if you're that interested in him, why not ask him out? His response should tell you what you need to know.

  28. I like a girl in school but i'm sometimes too nervous around her to make eye contact. i like her so much. the sad thing is that i'm 30 and still nervous around her and cannot express my feeling to her and talk to her about it. Are there other guys my age who are still nervous around girl they like or it's just me. help please.

  29. Time to man up. Opportunities are fleeting and the older you get the less they come by.

  30. So there's a guy at work and we became pretty close.. We used to hang out, even just us two and talk a lot.. But recently it seems like every time we go out, with other work colleagues, we end up getting pretty tipsy and he does get quite touchy feely (not in a gross way but a caring way). After this happens the next few weeks in the office are super awkward, he talks to everyone else normally - he's pretty loud and funny, but with me he gets super quiet and just kind of avoids talking to me. Also, I have a boyfriend and he knows this, but I'm super confused... What is he thinking? And what do I do?!

  31. Sounds like he harbors an attraction from having gotten close to you and lets it come out when he's drinking and feeling less inhibited. However, he knows you have a boyfriend and you don't seem to want to make HIM your new one. So when he sobers up, he's embarrassed and wants to pretend nothing happened by not talking to you.

    What do you do? What do you want out of this? If you have a boyfriend you want to keep, you don't allow any drunken touchy feely sessions with other men. That's also confusing to your work friend, which is why he prefers not to say anything to you.

  32. I've got to be honest, I feel like you've really simplified this matter. To me, you mentioned in on the predominant factor - control over the conversation and initial relations - which affects a man's confidence around women, but instead used it to justify what is, in my opinion, an incorrect belief: that disposition reflects intention. I don't think the confidence of a man around a potential partner is affected by the degree of attraction he feels, but rather the situation he is in, and how much control over that situation he has. Many men are very confident, I myself am one of them, and thus in interactions with even women they like, they do not inherently present themselves as nervous even when talking to those they are attracted to; when the situation is out of their control, however, this changes.
    If you place even the most confident of individuals into a uncomfortable situation in which they have little control over, or little ability to shape, the outcome of their actions, they will change their character; this can lead to nervousness. Arguably some individuals are able to mask this, and you alluded to this idea of false cockiness and humoured tendencies in your article and I agree with that, allowing them to seem as though they are still confident. However, returning to the idea of the effect of control on nerves, even those who are likely to be shy when conversing with people they are attracted to can experience lapses of confidence, particularly when they are very comfortable in their situation and feel that they have control. If we take the example of interactions at parties, if a man meets a woman at a party where he knows very few people, he will possess a more nervous and tense disposition, a reflection of the fact that he has spent much of his time trying to present himself well and will hold the underlying concern of looking good, because he is surrounded by people who know enough of him not be strangers, but not too much so as to accept and expect his natural tendencies. Thus, the nervousness that evolves out of this, and out of the uncomfortable lack of control he has over his situation. Arguably, if he were to really like a girl he would feel this regardless of circumstance, but when surrounded by those who he is comfortable with, he will feel more at ease, able to risk partaking in actions which he would only do in great confidence, because he has an unspoken support from his friends, whom he can fall back upon without fearing judgement to the same degree as the judgement of a near-unknown character, an 'acquaintance'. Similarly, the man may be on a 'confidence high', having experienced recent successes or managing to overcome difficulties which make him feel more at ease, more in control of his situation, but more importantly, more in control of himself.
    The initial confidence of a person is a decent measure of how attracted someone is to us, but it ignores the more complicated nature that lies behind confidence, and how people feel when interacting in different environments, of which we different control of. Thus, it is control that defines one's confidence around those who attract us, the nerves may become more extreme around those we find more attractive, but only because the threat of losing a person which befalls upon us when we lose control is more intense. It is not the underlying cause of a lack of confidence, and so it is not fair to gauge someone's attraction to another individual in this manner.

    1. *mentioned the
      *of which we have different control of

  33. Hi.
    How bad. Since I get awfully attracted to men who are – or seem to be – way more confident than the rest. Are the confident men the ones who don’t show much emotion? I find it really interesting.

  34. So I've been seeing this guy for a while who is 9 years older than I. I'm 22. He's really smart and successful, and can act very confident around me. I have been told that I'm really pretty all my life, but this guy has never said it once, and we've been seeing each other for 6 months already. I really liked him, so I took it as a challenge, and took your advice in making myself more attractive with makeup, since I'm already quite fit. Nevertheless, no feedback from him. When I strongly hinted that "girls like to be complimented once in a while", he shut down my comment, saying that it sounds like "Romeo and Juliet BS." Then, he took the time to say that he likes me because I'm "loyal."

    Sorry, but what the hell does that mean? I can't think of a lot of girls that among all compliments that can be given to them, happily go about their merry ways with "loyal."

    1. He's not a challenge, he is gaming you. You are fishing/working for compliments for your ego. Work on getting rid of your *need* for compliments, and be gracious to the men who give them *freely* instead.

      Almost all girls are loyal. Just like, with a little(or a lot!) effort, almost all girls are pretty. But regardless, you're only be special by how dignified you behave. You need only worry about being valued as a loyal WIFE. Single women are dignified by being loyal to THEMSELVES.

    2. Yeah, I haven't really tried getting compliments from him. That was my one and only subtle attempt. I can honestly say I feel good in my own skin. I am obviously attracted to the guy, but since he's not given me any compliments, I became unsure as to what he was seeing in me.

      I love what you said at the end. I think every woman out there needs to hear that.

  35. Ex-boyfriend broke up with me 7 months ago, got a new gf within 2 weeks of breakup but has continued to contact me every few weeks. I went no contact, asked him to stop contacting me but he continued. I finally decided to answer his call on Christmas day because I'm pretty much over him. He pushed to meet up and I agreed to it. He gave me a 15 min head's up yesterday morning at 7:00 am that he was near my house and wanted to see me for an hour before he started work. I told him I wasn't comfortable letting him in my house b/c he has a gf and we haven't seen each other since our break up 7 months ago so we sit in his car in my driveway and talk for a half hour. He didn't try anything and we just chatted about life stuff. He was so nervous though, he could barely hold eye contact or look at me and kept playing around with his water bottle, his keys, etc. Is this guilt b/c he has a gf or does he still care? Can't tell b/c we only hugged and only slight flirting from him.

    1. Whether he had actual malicious intent or not, it's a move that would screw with anyone's head - so at best, it shows a shocking lack of consideration for your feelings. I mean, when you break up with someone who you know cares about you, you hurt them. That might well be unavoidable, but the hurt is there. And he knows he hurt you. What he's been doing after the fact feels like picking the scabs off your wounds every chance he gets... I mean, not that you should necessarily shut someone out completely in every case... but he's definitely not doing this to help -you- heal. That's why he acted so mealy mouthed, because somewhere, he's ashamed, and he knows he damned well should be. But he's definitely not ashamed enough to become a better person. Honestly, if there was any doubt in your mind that, at the very least, this dude is too flawed to be relationship material, I hope this closed that door once and for all.

    2. Thank you for your reply and everything you said is right on. He is a narcissist 100% and is beyond flawed. All he wanted was to see if he could keep me hooked and off balance so he could use me for ego strokes. I'm dating someone very successful and that pissed him off because, after all, how dare I move on and forget about him. He wanted control and to prevent me from completely forgetting about him. He has to feel omnipotent. I took care of this about a month ago and hit him where it hurts...HARD. It came as a shock to him because I'd never stood up for myself before. It has been 10 months now and I have no doubt he'll try to slither back again because that's what narcissists do. He can't stand that I fought back, have a relationship, don't need him and got the final word. I will ignore him until he finally shrivels up and blows away. What a douchebag! I have no doubt he was engaging with other women behind my back and I feel sorry for his girlfriend. He put on an Oscar winning performance pretending to be a "good guy" and sweet boyfriend until he was ready to leave. She has no idea and neither did I.

  36. Well...this has to do with the woman too.

    If the woman is very self confident, the man may try out false confidence; he may try giving her the opposite of compliments to try to get her to feel less self confidence (which can read as male c0onfidence to a less experienced woman) or he could try the humble game.

    I really don't think this post is true when it comes to male behavior.

    If a male is truly and genuinely confident around a woman, and also treats her with respect, I think this is a sign of an emotionally healthy male.

    The trick is figuring out whether the confidence is "true" and "genuine." ;-) That takes getting to know the guy.

  37. My partner and I have been together a while. The relationship began with a lot of flirting, fun dates and excitement. We have since been doing long-distance and while it's going ok, I've noticed a lot of changes in him. He's much less inclined to have serious moments, he has recently been too busy for conversation, yet will be on facebook and he has lost all the flirtiness he has when we first met. I'm emotional and a tough cookie all at once, so I guess for him it's hard to determine what's best sometimes. But, I did have to be blunt that when I call, I deserve his attention, considering that we can go weeks without speaking over the phone and merely sending a 'have a good day' and 'goodnight' message and then during the phonecall he is always distracted by the internet and gives me half-hearted responses. For me, communication is key, I'm very outgoing, very bubbly and giggly. He's hard to understand, he can be giggly and immature, but also very reserved. I'm not sure if it's me, or if this is just the real him behind the tough shell he had when we first met. When I need a little bit more love and value, he he can get angry and says something like I'm not a faggot, I'll tell you nice things when I feel them... And he does, sometimes, he can say and act in the most loving way. It's just becoming a bit of a strain to deal with and whenever I try to communicate, receiving 'ok I soz' instead of having an adult conversation. I'm too afraid to speak to him about this because I love his quirky ways and wouldn't want him to change, I just don't love when they devalue and or disrespect me which has seemingly become more frequent. For him, telling me he wants cuddles in his own cute way is enough communication, I love it, but when we don't see each other for months, particularly after having spent 6 months side by side, a relationship needs more. I question whether he feels the same about me and yet he'll say he loves me more than I love him, of course actions speak louder than words, but I like to try to understand a person, what's going through his mind... Not sure how to deal with it, or what the issue is. I've questioned whether it's me, I've questioned whether he's just very awkward and closed off around women, I really don't know.

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  42. I've always been confused by guys' behavior. I find usually they seem to be more confident around other women regardless of how long they've known me, they act normally around me at first then start acting really awkward to the point of not wanting to talk to me at all sometimes, alternate between awkwardness and confidence, or just ignore me completely. If anybody has any insight it would be greatly appreciated. If it helps I can be shy and a bit awkward sometimes especially around people I like, but normally I'm pretty happy-go-lucky. Sometimes I'm pensive and quiet if I'm not feeling well or have something on my mind, but I feel like that's normal.

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  50. I am sharing this testimony to partners suffering in their relationships because there is an enduring solution.
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  58. WHAT A MIRACLE...No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m writing  would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker)whom DR BALBOSA have helped in getting back her ex..she also told me that DR BALBOSA is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person and also like a father to her...My name is Meyers Brown and I am from the USA... My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, so i got in contact with DR BALBOSA. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me and this time my husband came back with so much love,It was one of the best things I have ever done i am the happiest woman on earth and I am filled with so much joy and happiness because my marriage is saved. we are now very much happy with ourselves. DR BALBOSA is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back in just 48 hours! It was a miracle. we’re doing very well in our love life...if you have a similar issue don't hesitate to contact him on his  Email on: And his Phone number and WhatsApp or call him: +2347048047728...GRATEFUL HEART

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