The Problem with Denim and Leather

Several years ago, I got into a discussion about women's clothes with my girlfriend at the time and her friend. The friend mentioned that she had "kind of started to hate polo shirts on girls." I was a bit surprised, so I asked what was motivating her hatred. She replied that they were "just too masculine."

I found that interesting. I'd never even noticed polo shirts as being particularly attractive or unattractive, let alone masculine or feminine; but I could see where she was coming from. After all, some clothes (dresses for example) are more feminine, so it made sense that other types could be more masculine. From that point on, I started paying more attention to how sex-appropriate various types of clothes seemed.

Years later I started reading a website called Masculine Style, which does a great job of teaching men how to dress well. The author explains that the history and evolution of certain clothes is what makes them have the visual effect that they do, making them work (or not) for different men in different situations.

He explains, for example, that heavier knit sweaters are far more rugged and masculine-looking than a thin cashmere cardigan because they were designed for and traditionally used by dock workers and fishermen. Similarly, boat shoes were designed with soles that were soft enough to prevent scratching the decks of yachts, and therefore still hint at wealth and luxury in spite of their casualness. Sturdier materials like denim and leather have histories rooted in farming and manual labor, and so they carry connotations of their industrial origins – which brings me to my point…

For a couple years now, I've realized that I don't like when girls wear denim or leather. If the girl is good-looking, I will still be somewhat sexually attracted to her, but both the magnitude and type of attraction is significantly different than it would be if the same girl were dressed in lighter, softer materials. And following the train of thought that was inspired by my ex-girlfriend's friend and what I read on Masculine Style, I've started to wonder if my distaste is due to denim and leather being inherently unfeminine materials.

I mean think about it: denim and leather are rough, sturdy materials made to withstand the abuse of hard labor. They were made to protect rugged men doing rugged work. In the same way that we project onto guys who wear heavy-knit sweaters the masculinity of dock workers, it makes sense that we project onto women the connotations of wearing laborer's clothes – whether we do so consciously or unconsciously. And doing so casts a shadow over a woman's femininity. Asking a woman to look attractive in a biker jacket is kind of like asking a man to look attractive in lace.

Now, I realize that anytime you say (or even suggest) that something might be "objectively" masculine or feminine, people get defensive. If there is a scale along which masculinity or femininity can be quantified, people invariably start worrying about where along it they'll be placed. They are afraid of being judged.* But I am going to assume that my readers have learned to be comfortable with themselves, and throw the idea out there anyway – not so much because I am completely convinced by it as to field your opinions. So here is the concept:

Denim and leather (and perhaps other materials besides) are objectively masculine, at least to the same extent that materials like satin or lace are feminine. The current popularity of leather and denim in female fashion is a trend, piggybacked on the popularity of feminism, and it does not reflect the objective attractiveness of the materials themselves. While women can often look attractive in denim or leather, they do so in spite of the materials, not because of them.

Nope. Really.

I've been testing the idea recently by mentally separating the factors of my attraction each time I see a hot girl wearing one of these materials. Certainly when I think about a woman wearing any piece of clothing in either denim or leather, I can always imagine her being sexier in something less rugged. I've never liked jean or leather skirts on girls; and although it is much harder to look objectively at jean pants (because they are so entrenched in current fashion), I find normal cotton way more attractive.

When I suggest to my male friends that leather and denim are unattractive on women – which I've done several times – I rarely get an enthusiastic chorus of agreement. I get, "Yeah I guess I can sort of see what you mean" or "No, man, I love a girl in a jean skirt." But I am pretty sure that these statements ultimately boil down to "I am not observant enough to figure out what turns me on about a woman's wardrobe" and "I love a girl in a skirt."

Again, this isn't a statement about what women should or shouldn't wear (they're your clothes, do whatever the you want), it is merely a statement intended to spark thought about whether your choice of clothes is an authentic expression of your personal taste or the voice of popular culture.

Oh and just for the record, I am OK with polo shirts on girls.

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*In this sense, modern Western culture (at least when it comes to gender) is like a school system without testing. Everyone is just kind of learning at their own rate without an objective measurement of anyone's performance. You can imagine how outraged people in such a system would be the first time you were to suggest that there will periodically be these things called “exams” by which students' comprehension will be evaluated. There would be huge resistance. But testing in schools isn't the end of the world. Yeah, there is pressure to perform to a certain level, and the students that do poorly have to acknowledge the fact that they aren't as “smart” as the other students. But it introduces a degree of accountability that cannot otherwise be motivated, and the school system is better off for it.


Related Posts
1. "Because of" Versus "In Spite Of"
2. Don't Wear Sneakers
3. Femininity, Authenticity, and Compatibility
4. There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans
5. Be Careful About Wearing Large-Shouldered Tops
6. Where Is Feminism Taking Us?

Interpreting Male Compliments

When people change something about their appearance – their hairstyle, clothes, makeup, hair color, etc. – they often rely on the feedback that they get from others in deciding whether or not they themselves like the change. I hear people say all the time (after updating their look) “Yeah, I wasn’t so sure about it, but people seem to like it." Of course, this often goes unspoken, but in general people take others’ compliments at face value. This is the problem I want to address.

Let me start with a couple examples. A female coworker recently showed up at the office with short hair. Whereas previously it had been mid-back length, she’d cut it to be only a few inches long. It looked OK at best; but she looked significantly worse than she had with long hair. When she walked into our area of the office for the first time, the “feedback” started…

Guy 1: “Oh, wow you cut your hair – it looks great!”  

Guy 2: “Yeah, wow, looks good.” 

Guy 3: “You look much younger.”

(I didn’t contribute, because I’d run into her earlier in the day and after expressing my surprise at barely recognizing her, told her it looked “stylish” in an unenthusiastic tone.)

When she walked out of our area and out of earshot, we all looked at each other. Guy 1, who had previously always talked about how sexy this girl was, burst out immediately: “Maaann, it looks horrible! What did she do???” We all agreed.

Another time, a girl walked into the same area of our office wearing a new shirt, which was bright green. It drew attention, but it looked horrible. It didn't work with her complexion at all. Immediately, one guy – who is particularly attractive to most of the girls in the office – said “Nice shirt. Good color; green looks good on you.” I am sure she walked away thinking to herself “Wow, I guess green is my color.”

In the first example, obviously the intention behind the compliment was to make the cute girl feel good, or at least to avoid making her feel bad. This is fairly easy to recognize and understand. But something different is at work in the second example, and I've been recognizing it happening more and more in my daily life as I've come to realize what is going on: people respond positively to the things they notice, not to things that are positive. A person might see a friend and think “wow look at that new belt” because it really stands out, or “wow her hairstyle (or color) is completely different today.” But then, because it is so noticeable, they feel the need to acknowledge it. Once they've acknowledged it, the same phenomenon at work in the first example kicks in: they feel the need to make the person feel good about it, and an inaccurate compliment is the result. So in the end, “nice haircut” actually just means “I noticed your haircut.” And if you subscribe to the school of style that says "you should wear your clothes; your clothes shouldn't wear you," then you realize that this is more often a bad sign than a good one.

I've occasionally been given compliments like "you look good in grey." However, knowing what I do about wearing colors that compliment my complexion (I look OK in grey, but not great. I wear grey because it is an easy color to find in stores and doesn't look horrible on me), and recognizing that these compliments came from someone with the desire to make me feel good, I realize that what they really meant was "You look good," and "you wear a lot of grey." But the causal link between those two facts what purely in the eye of the beholder - or rather, the complimenter.

But the problem isn't only that people get inaccurate feedback when they wear or change things in extreme or otherwise noticeable ways. The problem is that when people change things in subtle-yet-powerful ways, they get no feedback whatsoever. The best changes more often than not draw no feedback, while the worst changes draw compliments. If you pay attention to others’ opinions, you’ll end up with a completely skewed opinion of what makes you look good.

The best compliments are those that are mistaken, or indefinite. I've had this happen to me several times. One time my receptionist told me “Andrew, you look great today! Did you change your hair?” I hadn't touched it. In fact, nothing was different about me that day except for my shirt. It happened to be one that I didn't normally wear, but which, in retrospect, perfectly complemented my complexion. Her compliment of my hair was actually a compliment of my shirt.

So pay attention when people give you general or indefinite compliments: “you look very… vibrant today,”  or “something looks different; I like it,” or “did you change your hair?” (even though you haven’t). If you reflect when you receive compliments like this, you can often decipher them to understand their source. And if you succeed, you can rely on your interpretation of that vague or mistaken compliment far more than you can rely on normal “compliments,” which are often little more than sugar-coated observations.

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The Importance of Variety in Your Appearance

There is a girl in my office that is extremely attractive. She is good-looking, but she is much more than that. She has great posture, always fixes her hair well, smiles frequently, is confident, and she generally radiates an air of femininity that is painfully lacking in many girls’ demeanor.

One thing that always stands out about this girl is the way that she dresses – specifically, the variety of clothes she wears. Every day she wears something completely different. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen her wearing the same thing twice. I am not making a statement about the quantity of outfits she owns or the size of her wardrobe; I know plenty of girls who wear different outfits every day but still look boring. This girl actually looks different every day. One day she will be wearing jeans and a blouse, the next day she will be wearing a long, close-fitting dress, the next day cotton dress-pants with a loose, flowing top, and the day after that a pencil skirt. I've seen this girl wear clothes and dress types that I didn't even know existed. I realize that might not be saying much coming from a guy, but the point is that she is very clearly an outlier relative to other girls when it comes to the variety of clothes she wears.

It would be hard to underestimate how much men love this – and I say that with confidence because I've talked about it with several other guys and they agree categorically. Her daily choice of clothes is the topic of our lunch conversation more often than is probably healthy. It’s worth pointing out that this attention isn't the wrong kind of attention. Plenty of girls could work their way into our conversation by wearing short dresses, small tops or tight skirts. In fact, plenty do, and we talk about them too. But we come back to this girl way more than the others because we are constantly surprised and impressed with the variety. It’s hugely refreshing to see her every day in a different outfit.

While I am sure that women can appreciate variety in male fashion also, I am convinced that this is something men appreciate much more than women. I've explained before how strongly men crave sexual variety, and I've explained the importance of visual stimulation. By varying her appearance, a woman appeals to both of those masculine desires. Of course she can’t actually be someone else; but by looking different every day, she can come close enough. I don’t have a huge amount of evidence to support that claim, but when I think about how tempted I would be to cheat on the girl I am describing versus other girls that are equally attractive, there isn't much of a competition.

Having thought about it a bit recently, I can break down this girl’s fashion success into three factors:

1. She takes risks. This girl doesn't always look good. In fact, I've seen her look downright horrible at times. One day she came in wearing these shitty gypsy-looking baggy pants and an ugly shirt, and I almost cried. A couple times she's worn colors that washed her out completely. I’d say that roughly 5-10 % of the time, she looks bad. But I realize that no one can pull off the kind of variety I am advocating without fucking up occasionally; besides, the variety and successes are both well-worth the mistakes. In fact, I would even be fine with more mistakes if it meant I’d get a girl who was equally dynamic in her wardrobe.
2. She doesn't pay attention to office fashion norms. In other words, she doesn't think “this is a professional environment; a sun dress is inappropriate.” She might not always be wearing clothes that are “appropriate,” in the sense that they play down or divert attention from her looks, but neither is she dressing overly sexy or provocatively. Trying to bring women into the workplace and expecting them to dress like men is about as ridiculous as asking men to stay home with the kids and forcing them to dress like women. Women need to be allowed to be women, and “appropriate” has unfortunately been defined largely by a society that doesn't fully understand that.
3. She enjoys looking good. There is no way that a girl will be able to force herself to dress in such a varied manner if she doesn't enjoy doing it. And although you shouldn't try to force yourself to enjoy it, you can let yourself enjoy it to whatever degree you naturally do. I said a lot about this in the post Femininity, Authenticity and Compatibility, so I won’t repeat myself here; but I want to make one additional point in that regard: you don’t need to be a supermodel to enjoy looking great, and you don’t even need to be hot for men to appreciate how you dress. Let yourself enjoy looking your best in as many ways as possible.

Of course, these principles apply to make-up and hair also. The important principle is appearance variety, not just wardrobe variety - but you can draw the analogies.

For the record, I recognize that having a wide variety of clothes can be expensive. And I am not going to pretend that women with less income are without a disadvantage here. That's life. If it helps stomach that fact, you can remind yourself that wealth disparities affect men in their dating lives far more than they affect women. But anyway there are plenty of ways to work the concept of variety into your wardrobe without breaking your bank, and there are plenty of girls reading this post right now who spend all kinds of money on wardrobes bigger and more boring than this girl’s. Make the most with what you have.

Now, all this being said, there is some value in the adage “looking good every day is more important than looking different every day.” While I suspect this statement was popularized more more with men’s fashion in mind than women’s, I also want to make it clear that I am not advocating wearing ugly clothes or crazy make-up only for the sake of variety. You need to indulge in variety wisely, choosing colors and cuts that look good on you. But within the limits of what you know suspect makes you look good, don’t be intimidated by the pressures of “what is acceptable” or what feels safe at the expense of what is different. Different counts for a lot.


Related Posts:
1. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
2. Feminine Beauty is Highly Controllable
3. Men and Sexual Variety
4. The Importance of Taking Fashion Risks

5 Winter Fashions Men Like

Most men are familiar with the "75 degree rule," which refers to the fact that, in Spring, women seem to come out from their Winter hibernation once the temperature rises above 75 degrees Fahrenheit (for those of you not burdened by an archaic system of scientific units, that is 24 degrees Celsius). Spring comes, and hot girls are suddenly out everywhere wearing shorts, dresses, small t-shirts and skirts. When I first heard of the rule, I remember speculating that perhaps girls weren't actually indoors any more than men during the winter; it was just that we noticed them less when it was cold because they were all bundled up in clothes that hid their beauty.

I still stand by my speculation, because the simple truth is that the feminine figure is more attractive when it isn't concealed  (yes, even if the woman is overweight), and the more delicate and feminine parts of a woman's body - like her neck, jawline and breasts - add nothing to her attractiveness when they are covered by a jacket or scarf. So female winter fashion is all about minimizing the effect of the extra material. To this end, the fit of your winter clothes is more important than anything else. The more your clothes follow the natural lines of your figure, the better. This doesn't mean that you always need to wear tight clothes, but it does mean that the bulky jacket your mom bought for you last year probably makes you look like a man. Three tight layers are far better than one heavy layer.

Anyway, here are five female winter fashions/considerations that will make men find you more attractive in winter. There are obviously plenty of other ways to look attractive in cold weather, but these are good starting points:

1. A Jacket That Fits You. For the purposes of looking good in cold weather, nothing is more important than the fit of your jacket. Men should be able to see your curves when you are wearing your jacket. This means that it should follow the curves of your waist and hips. It also means having sleeves that don't add bulk to your arms. And then there are the general aesthetics related to having as few wrinkles as possible from excess material. Most popular clothes stores design and cut their clothes for "average" people, which in the United States, means fat people. So for many girls, getting a jacket that fits will mean having to buy something that is more expensive, or else having a cheaper jacket altered by a tailor. A draw-string at the waist can also help to achieve this effect.

2. Fur-Trimmed Hooded Jackets. I've often told my guy friends how much I like these, and they always agree. The fur is extremely soft, warm and playful = feminine; and if you choose the color to properly complement your complexion, it can be extremely attractive visually as well. Popular fashion seems to have caught on to this in the last year or so, and more girls are wearing them. Because of this, you might not stand out as much by wearing one, but it also means that it is much easier to find them in stores. Besides, "looking like every other girl" is only problematic when every other girl looks bad. Here is an example:

3. Tight Sweaters. A tight sweater embraces everything I said above about the importance of wearing well-fitted clothes. There is something both sexual and nurturing about a woman wearing a tight sweater. It is sexual for the obvious reason that it shows off her figure, but it is nurturing because it gives her an air of warmth and comfort. (Note: We left turtle-neck sweaters in the 90s for a reason: they are hideous on both sexes. Never wear one.)

4. Tall, Heeled Boots. Uggs are great if you want to look like a little girl; but if you want to attract guys over the age of 15, you will need to embrace a more mature look. Tall, heeled boots are sexy. They achieve all of the effects of attractive posture that you get from high heels, and their height draws attention to your thighs and waist. Heels are more important than height, but if heels aren't possible, tall boots without heels are still better than most other shoes - probably warmer too. All three of the examples below are great.

5. Leggings. Because they contain no vital organs, your limbs are the parts of your body least prone to the effects of cold weather; so most women are capable of going outdoors in leggings, even in the middle of winter. This is good, because they are sexy as hell. They make every woman's legs and ass look 10 - 20 % better than normal, and because they are so popular and reveal no skin, no one thinks they look slutty. Yes, they are hotter than a pair of tight jeans - probably because cotton can never conform to your body as well as synthetic, stretchy materials. And no, you don't need to be thin for them to make you look better. Black is obviously the most versatile color, but designs and patterns can work too, as long as they aren't overly obnoxious (e.g. cartoon characters or logos). Wear two or three pairs if it's too cold.

If any of these looks seem like they "aren't you" it is probably only because you haven't tried them yet.


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Why Men Like Draped Necklaces

I've been noticing lately that I really like it when women wear long necklaces. I recently stopped to think about why, and I realized that long necklaces break over the crest of a woman's breasts and hang in mid-air below them, thereby subconsciously drawing a man's attention to them. If you have reasonably sized breasts (B-cup and above), this is a good thing; use it to your advantage. I would rank the effect of this right up there with the attractiveness boost you get from large earrings.

If you have smaller breasts, a necklace like this can still look good, just not for the same reasons. It might instead pull together an outfit or add ornament to a plain top. I'd err on the smaller side, but I wouldn't categorically avoid them for fear of drawing attention to the fact that your breasts aren't your best asset.

A couple other things I noticed: a necklace is definitely too long if it hangs below your belly button, and it is too fat (relative to the length) if it's thickness prevents it from draping gracefully over your breasts.

OK now I am going to stop with the fashion advice before readers start questioning my sexuality...


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Why Large Earrings Are Attractive

A reader, Caroline, recently commented on the post about large earrings, offering an explanation about why they are attractive. I thought it was worth sharing:

"I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that earrings create the illusion that the wearer's features are more concentrated in the lower part of the face, thus making them more attractive. Children have big foreheads with their eyes being about half way down their face. So this appearance equals youth, equals fertility. Supermodels e.g. Nathalia Vodianova, Lily Cole, Miranda Kerr have retained this facial structure into adulthood. 

"Big earrings also contribute to the impression of facial symmetry and draw attention to the cheekbones. Also, as you age, your jawline becomes less defined. I'd say hoops [and other large earrings] draw attention to your jaw, so this is another way they make you look young. I'm just spouting pseudo psychology here but I think to varying degrees there is truth in all these points! I also agree with the comment about them being traditionally 'ghetto' and the appeal of the slutty edge they give an otherwise nice girl."

This seems on-point. Thanks for the comment Caroline. If anyone else has seen this explanation and remembers where, please post a link in the comments.


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The Most Important Time to Dress Well

In the United States, the most flagrant misconception about dressing well is that it is something you should do only for formal occasions. The popular notion is that you should put in effort when you go out on Friday night, or when you go to a wedding, or when you have a meeting with clients - but not when you run to the store, or get on an airplane, or go to a dive bar.

The fact, however, is that the woman (or man, for that matter) who dresses well is the one that shows up looking good when everyone else is not. A well-dressed woman puts a priority on looking good, regardless of the situation. This doesn't mean that she never dresses comfortably, but it does means that she does so less frequently. More importantly, even when she does dress comfortably, she maintains a sense of style and considers her appearance above her preference to "just throw something on." The most important time to dress well is whenever you are inclined to put in the least amount of effort. It is in these occasions that you stand out from the crowd. So, I challenge you:

For the next three days, whenever you choose your clothes for any occasion, step up the quality and formality of your appearance by one degree relative to what you would normally wear.

If you were going to wear a t-shirt to the grocery store, choose a blouse instead. If you wouldn't normally wear your formal jacket for a trip to the mall, do it this time. If your heels are usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights, wear them to work. If you don't usually do your hair when you go to a sports bar, put in at least twenty minutes to make it look its best before leaving the house. If you normally wear old and ugly workout clothes when you go to the gym because "it's just working out", get some new ones that work with your complexion.

If you need to, set an extra alarm on your phone for the next three days as a reminder. I've done this myself and I guarantee that you will be surprised by how much better you feel - not to mention look - as you go about your normal activities.

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How to Make Any Outfit Better

Any outfit can be improved by adding lace. Lace makes an outfit look ornate, eye-catching and more feminine. I have yet to meet a man who doesn't find it more attractive. Next time you buy something new, consider getting it with a lace fringe or overlay - or wearing one with it. I think you will be surprised by how much more attention you get because of it. If lace isn't possible, flowered patters are a close second.

(And no she isn't hotter on the left only because she is wearing hoop earrings - though she looks good in both pictures partially due to her heels and hair.)

Here is another example:

I realize there are probably instances when lace is inappropriate or excessive, but the point here is that you are probably not wearing enough of it, especially if you live in a sexually de-polarized country like the United States.

A Tool for Learning Makeup

In the post I made called How to Avoid Looking Fake, I pointed out that a girl needs to understand what kinds and tones of makeup work with her face and complexion in order to avoid the "caked on" makeup look, which men find unattractive. A reader recently recommended a website called TAAZ.com that actually allows users to apply virtual makeup to a photo of themselves in order to get an idea of what will look good. You can also try different hairstyles. In fact, the website is very similar to the one I recommended in the post How to Improve Your Hair (www.thehairstyler.com), but with a focus on makeup rather than hair - and the added benefit of being able to do both.

Here is the link to the website: www.taaz.com

As with www.thehairstyler.com, the visualization tools aren't perfect, but as you can see in the examples below, you can definitely get general ideas about how various colors work (or don't work) with your personal look. Whether you are just learning how to optimize your look, or want to revisit it, this website can be an invaluable tool. (And don't be so sure that you already know everything about your own makeup - self-perception is remarkably inaccurate at times.)

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Don't Wear Sneakers

I keep seeing girls wearing Chuck Taylors, or Vans, or even some more modern high-tops, and I always cringe. Sneakers are intended for function, not form; they aren't attractive. Unless they are paired with athletic clothes (i.e. for the gym or running) they look clunky or awkward. The fact that they are "comfortable" or "quirky" or "classics" might be perfectly true, in some cases might be a good reason for wearing them; but don't fool yourself into thinking they make you look good. While it would obviously be unrealistic and probably unhealthy for women to wear high heels every day, there are many more elegant compromises than sneakers.

If you see a woman who you think is more attractive because she is wearing sneakers, ask yourself whether it is because of them or in spite of them. You'd be better off never wearing sneakers than trying to pull them off.

How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"

My model for understanding the way a woman acts and dresses has always been something like this: the more a woman dresses like a slut, the more attractive she is; but the more a woman acts like a slut, the less attractive she is. In other words, the most attractive women are those who dress like whores but act like good girls. Impossible, right? Probably. But it is the ideal nonetheless, just like a woman's ideal is a man who is extremely powerful and physically attractive, yet in touch with his emotions and sweet - which also does not exist.

In any case, I was out the other night and I ran into a girl I'd met a few weeks before at the same bar. We started talking, and somehow got onto the topic of how women dress...

"It's simple for a girl" she said. "If you want to pick up a guy to get laid, or to make out, you wear a short, tight skirt and low-cut cleavage. But if you want to meet a guy to date, you..."

"...wear something modest." I interrupted, somewhat smugly. "That's what every girl thinks and it's complete bullshit." I was about to explain to her that good guys and bad guys alike are both equally attracted to a woman's body, and that behaving modestly is far more important than dressing modestly, when she cut me off:

"Wait, I wasn't finished! That wasn't what I was going to say at all. I was going to say that you have to choose one or the other."

"One or the other?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you either wear the short, tight skirt, or the plunging neckline - but not both."

I was silent. I literally paused for several seconds, thinking about what she said. I was still somewhat shocked by the fact that she didn't buy into the absurdly false cliche that a woman attracts good men by pretending that good men don't have sexual impulses; but I was also intrigued by the nuance of her idea. It was honest, and it bore the hallmark complexity of truth.

"Huh... That's really interesting." I said, pensively. "I actually spend entirely too much time thinking about these kinds of things, and haven't thought of that before. You might be on to something." I paused again for a few seconds. "I need to think about it more, but I like the idea regardless. I've always thought that women are more attractive the sluttier they dress and the more modestly they act, but I might have to re-consider that now."

The jury is still out. The girl won't return my calls either...


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Be Careful About Wearing Large-Shouldered Tops

Tops, dresses or jackets that make your shoulders look larger do two things: they diminish your waist and broaden your shoulders. You should always be cautious about wearing them because broad shoulders are unattractive on a woman. It is true that a small waist is attractive; but in the same way that wearing short hair to compliment your face shape is offset by the side-effect of making you look masculine, attempting to make your waist look thin by wearing tops with wider shoulders does more harm than good when it comes to attracting men.

Large-shouldered tops were popular in the United States in the 1980s because by that time the effects of feminism had trickled into professional environments, and women wanted clothes (specifically, suits) that made them look more commanding, more assertive - more traditionally masculine. Towards that end, I am sure they were successful; but I am equally sure that they did and still do make women much less attractive. And now, partially out of nostalgia for the fashions of a former generation, and partially due to social inertia, contemporary style calls tops with "puffy" or accentuated shoulders acceptable, "fun" or even attractive. Don't be sucked into the lie. The truth is that they are always risky, usually ugly and almost never a good idea.

If you think any of the women on the left look attractive, read the post titled "Because Of" vs. "In Spite Of". (All three are in good shape and their clothes fit well in all places but the shoulders.)

Clothes that slightly accentuate the shoulders might be mildly attractive on a girl that does not have a small waist-to-hip ratio; but in general, large shoulders make you look like a man and should be avoided.

Remember: whether consciously or subconsciously, men notice.

Should You Focus on Your Looks or Personality More?

My audience on this blog is not uniform by any means:

• Some readers are good looking, others are not. 
• Some readers are interesting, others are not.
• Some readers are confident, others are not. 
• Some readers know how to dress, others do not.
• etc.

The advice that I give is similarly varied. Depending which of these groups (and others) you fall into, different pieces of advice (from this blog or other sources) may or may not apply to you. A girl who already knows how to dress well and look her best should not be scrutinizing every aspect of her appearance, even if I post about it frequently. Those posts are not intended for her. If a girl like this gets rejected it would be an exercise in futility for her to fret about the fact that she wore one top instead of another, or wore heels instead of flats, or put on too much make-up, when the real problem is that she is boring, or is always trying to identify with men, or is a slob. Perfecting some single part of her look is not going to have anywhere near as much of an effect as trying to improve her personality.

The fact of the matter is that improvements in appearance follow a law of diminishing returns. Added efforts produce less and less results. And there comes a point at which it makes more sense to shift focus to the areas of your life that will have a larger effect:

The phenomenon doesn't only apply to appearance. In a similar manner, a girl who has a good personality - who is radiant, fun to be around, nurturing, intelligent, cheerful - a girl like this would be stupid to spend her time harping on the fact that she sometimes feels a little awkward in social situations, or lamenting her less-than-impressive intelligence. Instead, this girl should focus more about her appearance (which was probably neglected while she was becoming an awesome person). In doing so she might realize that her clothes often clash with her complexion, or that her hair doesn't suit her face shape, or that heels make her look sexy - all of which would be far more effective in making her more attractive to men than making some minute improvement to her personality.

Many women will lie somewhere between the states represented by the two plots, depending on how they have invested their time and effort. But when you read advice from this blog - or elsewhere - first understand what type of girl you are and where on each plot you lie before you decide whether or not it applies to you, or to what degree. 

 

(By the way, the 50-odd % location of the dividing line in the charts above is fairly arbitrary, and the shape of the curve will probably be different for every girl anyway. Don't pay much attention to it.)

How to Improve Your Hair

Kate Middleton

I am not an expert on women's fashion, let alone something so specific as hair. However, even the simplest observations about style can be difficult to make in the first person. I have the advantage of being in the third person, as well as being male and therefore having a good grasp of what is attractive to men. Here's what I have noticed about women's hair:

1. Time. This is the most common mistake women make when it comes to their hair. The women with bad hair are invariably those who are unwilling to put in the time it takes to make it look good. I use the term "mistake" loosely, because it is obviously a matter of personal preference. More often than not, "I don't have time" actually means "it isn't a priority." But priorities often change once the relative importance of the viable options is made clear. In this sense, a more important post than this one might be the one I wrote about the importance of hair. I am not interested in giving unsubstantiated moral imperatives, so I won't say that a woman should spend a given amount of time on her hair. However, I will say this: if you aren't spending at least 20 minutes a day on your hair, you aren't looking your best. Considering how important hair is to your overall appearance, and how easy it is to control, it makes sense to spend at least that much time on it - assuming you are interested in maximizing your chances with men.

Shakira

2.  Length. Long, full hair exudes vitality. It is beautiful, elegant,  vibrant, sexy. It is the most prominent and recognizable indicator of femininity, and it transfixes the attention of men. I've often wondered if the story of Samson was originally written about a woman, because a woman without her hair is like a woman robbed her of life-force. Yes, there are a few men out there that claim to like short hair. (I am actually skeptical that they are being honest with themselves. I wonder if they once had a crush on a girl that wore it short, and therefore think they like it on all women). But their number is so low that it is statistically negligible and warrants no attention. Keep the length between your shoulders and the middle of your back, and always err on the long side if you are unsure. Short hair on a woman is like a mustache on a man - while in very rare instances some people can look good in spite of it, they never look good because of it. Only use extensions if they blend so well that other girls have to look twice to realize you are wearing them. Otherwise it will just looks cheap and trashy. Grow it out instead.

3. Color. Just like your clothes, your hair color needs to work with your complexion. Your natural hair color is always safe, but not usually as fun as the alternatives - and certainly not as dynamic (see #6). You also have a fair amount of flexibility in this regard, because your hair is one of the features that defines your complexion. Most hair colors can be made to work, but you need to make sure that you change the color of your clothes accordingly, and stay within the limits prescribed by the other elements of your complexion. I've seen some women who clearly don't understand this concept, and the result is unnatural-looking and unattractive. For example, bleaching you hair does not mean that you also need to lighten your eyebrows, since this is liable to wash you out. Likewise, red hair is not likely to work if you have olive skin.

4. Texture & Style. Most women can successfully pull off a couple different hair textures and at least a few different styles. While both will be somewhat limited by your face shape (see #5), you will still have options within those limitations. Most men prefer women when they wear their hair down, but there are some cases when showing off your neck and shoulders (one of the most feminine parts of a woman's body) can outweigh the benefits of wearing your hair down. In any case, I've found that my guy friends all have different taste when it comes to texture and style. Some like frizzy hair, some like straight hair, some like wavy hair. There aren't many guidelines here, except those imposed by your face shape. For example, a hairstlye that flatters your jaw line might be impossible to pull off with straight hair. I will say that, in general, more volume is always a good thing. Full hair is healthy hair, especially if you can maintain the shine after adding volume through curling or some other means.

Minka Kelly

5. Shape. There are all kinds of internet resources for figuring out what hairstyle works best with your face shape and hairline. Use them, but remember the following when you do:

• While the various shapes are broken into categories, some women fall in between two of the categories (in the same way that your complexion might be halfway between a "clear winter" and a "clear autumn"). Realizing this might help you identify your own shape.
• Ignore anything that tells you that a short hairstyle suits you best (see #3). While it may be true that short hair compliments the shape of your face, a hairstyle's suitability to your face is far less important than looking feminine when it comes to attracting men.
• You should consider not only the shape of your face in portrait, but also in profile. Here is a blog post that describes this: http://www.southernbritt.com/facial-profiles-hairstyles/

There is an article here: http://www.thehairstyler.com/features/articles/hairstyles/the-right-hairstyle-for-your-face-shape that makes an effort to illustrate the rights and wrongs of choosing a hairstyle. The website in general is interesting: they are trying to create a program with which you can visualize how you will look with different hair styles. While I think they need a lot of improvement on the visualization tools, the website (and the article in particular) at least helps you understand the underlying concepts. You can figure the specific applications for yourself. The general idea is to use the shape of your hair to give the impression of an oval-shaped head. For example, a woman with a square-shaped head would use her hair to round out the "corners" of her face, while a woman with a triangular face should use her hair to give the impression of added width to the top of her head and de-emphasize the width at the bottom.

7. Cleanliness. Dreadlocks and dirty hair are repulsive. I can't count the number of times my friends and I have seen a girl with dreads and all agreed how much we hated the way it looked. While a negligibly small percentage of guys might mildly attracted to the "look" it creates (hipster, etc.), there is nothing attractive about the hair itself, and I can guarantee you those same guys won't hold it against you if you wash your hair regularly. Your hair is most attractive when it projects an image of health. It does this when it is shiny, and it is shiny when it is clean. Full and healthy hair is an indication that your body is being supplied with the resources it needs to produce such hair (protein, vitamins, etc.), and also that you care about yourself enough to take care of it. Unclean hair implies a poor diet, bad genes, or apathy - none of which is going to attract your future husband. (Note that this does not mean you should necessarily wash your hair every day. In fact, this might do more damage than good in some cases.)

6. Dynamics. One of my favorite things about women is their ability to change their look. By coloring your hair differently or changing its shape and texture, you have dramatic leverage over your appearance. Your boyfriend or husband might like a particular look the most, but seeing the same thing every day is not something that the male mind is programmed to appreciate. If you can figure out a few different ways of doing your hair that he likes, switching among them periodically can offer your man some of the variety that he has given up by being in a committed relationship with you. As with everything else in life, you really only know whether or not something works by trying it out. Without taking risks, you will not improve.


Related Posts
1. The Importance of Hair
2. Hair and Makeup Variety
3. How to Avoid Looking "Fake"

"Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of" - Illustrated

I've also added the illustration to the original post, which you can read here: "Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

The Importance of Hair

Other than your physical fitness, your hair is the most important controllable aspect of your physical attractiveness. Most women know this. I am not a hair stylist, so others can give you much better advice than I about how to make your hair look its best.

However, it is worth underscoring just how critical good hair is to a woman's appearance. Rather than do this by compounding adjectives or superlatives, I want to recount the moment when I learned this for myself.

I had spent the night at my (now ex-) girlfriend's house and she was getting ready for work in the morning. She went into the bathroom to do whatever it is girls do to get ready. After a while, she came back into the room, looking gorgeous. I distinctly remember being turned on to the point that I  wanted to throw her back into bed. Actually, I maybe may well have; I don't remember now. But what I do remember was the epiphany that accompanied the following exchange:

"Did you do your make-up differently this morning?" I asked.

"My make-up?"

"Yeah, your make-up. It looks hot as shit, but something looks different for some reason. It's a more natural look or something. I really like it."

"I'm not wearing any make-up."

"Wait... what?" I asked, confused. "But you look...  wait, really? So what were you doing in the bathroom all this time?" I was scrutinizing her while saying all of this, and slowly became convinced that she really wasn't wearing any make-up.

"I was doing my hair." She answered. As soon as she said it I could see that it was her hair that was making her look so radiant. She'd washed it, straightened it, brushed it and pinned it half-up.

No one doubts how much makeup can improve your look. Hair matters more: don't underestimate the importance of grooming.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Hair
2. Hair and Makeup Variety
3. How to Avoid Looking "Fake"
4. An Interesting Hair Experiment...

Sexy Versus Cute

Taylor Swift

Some girls have expressed their disappointment when I've told them that they look "cute" rather than "sexy" or "hot." I used to respond to their reaction by claiming that it was unwarranted. After all, cute is still attractive. But in the back of my mind I knew that my compliment was mildly backhanded, even though it was never my intention.

To one degree or another, all women want to turn heads and make men's jaws hit the floor; and they know that "cute" doesn't elicit this kind of reaction. But growing up, most girls are not given the freedom to dress or act in a provocative manner, so they don't get to "practice" looking sexy. This is compounded by the fact that most parents have somewhat outdated ideas of modesty, in the midst of a trend towards sexually explicit fashions. Because girls grow up dressing cute, they become comfortable in the types of clothes, hairstyles and makeup that create a cute look. Ultimately this means that your average girl is only just learning how to pull off "sexy" when her desire to do so is strongest (i.e. in her twenties). This lack of experience, coupled with her desire to look hot, can lead to a crippling unwillingness to take the risks that are so necessary to mastering sexiness (or any new look, for that matter).

However, both looks can be achieved by any woman. Just because you are short or have dimples does not mean you cannot be sexy, in the same way that height or sharply shaped eyebrows don't preclude the possibility of looking cute. The main difference is that it takes more risk, confidence and experience to pull off a sexy look. Risk is a matter of your own will, and confidence follows from risk - as does experience.

Let's consider the characteristics of both looks. I've made a list of associations that I have for the two styles:

Sexy:
Confident, serious, poised, seductive, postured, tight (clothes), mature, aloof, gorgeous, sexual, selective, sharp, directed, closed, pretentious, shrewd, desirous, hungry, dark, cat, fox

Cute:
Innocent, light-hearted, wide-eyed, adorable, affectionate, eager, naive, young, youthful, joyful, pretty, animated, open, trusting, candid, colorful, kitten

The "cute" associations are predictably child-like. The "sexy" associations are almost predatory, and certainly they point towards a very confident sexuality. Notice how in both pairs of pictures I've posted, the sexy woman's gaze is piercing - calm, confident and provocative. As I've said before, your style is projected much more by your personality and demeanor than by your clothes. You can probably imagine a sexy woman dressed in cute clothes, or vice-versa (imagine the cute Megan Fox on the right holding herself like and making the same expression as the sexy Megan Fox on the left - it would still be sexy, even without the tight dress and wild hair).  In order to achieve that look, you must adopt the associated personality characteristics. Once the mindset exists, the clothes follow naturally, or at least easily.

Megan Fox

As in most cases, feigning the mindset can help you to obtain it. You need to "fake it 'til you make it." By wearing sexy clothes even when you don't think you can pull them off (taking risks), you will realize that, actually, you can and do pull them off. This is because, in most instances, your insecurities about what you are incapable of wearing are unfounded. Once you try them and see that they work, your confidence will spike, and you can then repeat the process.

I routinely see very concrete things that sexy girls are doing or wearing, but cute girls are not. The cute girls are the same ones who want to look sexy but don't, the same ones that are dismayed by my "cute" compliments. There isn't some kind of natural inability holding them back; it is their state of mind, and then also (following from their mindset) their presentation:

• They aren't showing off their body by wearing tight clothes; they wear flowing clothes that mask their feminine form
• They aren't wearing fashionable clothes (though this isn't always what will make you look best, you also shouldn't usually be trying to emulate your mother's dress sense)
• They aren't wearing high heels regularly
• They aren't standing up straight
• They don't use makeup enough (of course there is such a thing as "too much," but there is also such a thing as "not enough")
• They don't wear matching underwear or lingerie
• etc.

Of course, you will only realize that you can pull off heels, or a tight dress, or a certain hairstyle if you do pull it off. So you need to put thought into what you are attempting. If you are overweight, a tiny cocktail dress probably isn't for you - though I'd actually be liberal about making this decision (tighter = hotter even for girls that are slightly overweight). So don't start buying hooker outfits arbitrarily, assuming that they will make you sexy; make sure it works with your natural look (notice I did not say personality).

If you are honest enough with yourself to admit that you aren't comfortable wearing heels or tight dresses, or certain types of makeup, then you are already ahead of the game (most girls simply make excuses about attracting the wrong kind of attention). You just need to take a step outside yourself for a moment, and acknowledge that there is no real impediment to you pulling off "sexy" any more than there is for the thousands of girls who regularly do so. While you might have a mental block against the idea of you being "sexy," I challenge you to list concrete things that make you different from the women that dress and act that way - and I am not only talking about celebrities like Megan Fox and Taylor Swift. I am talking about normal girls that you see out in nightclubs or bars, at work or in the mall. Chances are you have seen women who are less attractive than you (or fatter or older) doing it successfully. If they can do it, so can you.

One final note: there are very few women that are purely sexy or purely cute. Most are some mix of the two. Megan Fox almost always looks sexy and Taylor Swift almost always looks cute (which is why I used them as examples here). What is powerful about these two women is that they both clearly have the ability to pull off both looks if they want to; what is unfortunate is that neither of them do so very often (at least in the public eye). While being a mix of sexy and cute is better than being only one or the other, the ideal is having the ability to be completely one or the other at will. Since cute is easier to achieve, most women need to focus on building their confidence to look sexy.

Hair And Makeup Variety

This post used to link to a blog in which a girl had posted photos of herself everyday for a few years. The photos illustrated how much her hair and makeup could change her attractiveness. However, the girl asked me to remove the photos, since she decided to remove her project from the internet.

Your Skin Color Matters

If you want to make yourself more attractive, you need to focus on three things when you are choosing your clothes: style, fit, and color. The need for a suitable style is obvious to most people - your clothes should reflect or magnify your personality. Simple enough. The need for the right fit should be obvious, but it is apparently less so to many women (and men). Too many people don't wear clothes that flatter their figure. However, color is the most misunderstood and neglected of the three, and it is arguably the most important.

In the same way that your clothes need to work with your shape and personality, they also need to compliment your color, or more specifically, your complexion, which is the combined appearance of your skin tone, eye color and hair color. Have you ever noticed how Latin and Mediterranean women almost always look amazing in red and black? or how middle eastern women look far better in the deeper shades of most colors (navies, olives, maroons, etc. as opposed to blues, greens and reds)? If so, you've noticed the effect of color working well with complexion. This effect has been studied, broken down, and rebuilt into a science for more than 100 years by students of fashion and cosmetology.

Here are a couple examples. Note how Courtney Cox and Katherine Heigl look better on the left, where they are shown wearing colors that work well with their complexion. The effect is subtle but it is strong.

If until now you've chosen colors based on something you saw a friend wear, or colors you "just like," there is a good chance you look bad in them. Men notice this, even if only subconsciously. If you haven't taken the time to learn what colors make you look best, you are throwing away potential attractiveness, and therefore undercutting your chances with men. I've observed in many instances that a woman is far more radiant and attractive due to her choice of a color that magnifies her natural beauty. The effect is significant.

I won't tell you how to choose your best colors, because there are other resources that can tell you far more than I. My main goal is to simply to convince you that color matters. But I can point you in the direction of a couple of those resources...

The best book I've found for women about color is called Color Me Confident. I bought a few different ones for men and women, and this one blew the others away (as did its counterpart for men). I like it because it uses modern celebrities as examples, does a good job of explaining the categories it uses to group complexions, and also has sections about the fit of clothes and makeup as well.

This book could reliably be your only resource. However, I have one other suggestion. Find a female celebrity that has your complexion (including eye color, which makes a lot more difference than you'd think) and spend some time looking at images of her on the internet, paying close attention to the colors she wears. Try the following: do an image search for her name and a color, and scan the results. Pay attention to how many instances there are of her in that color. Just as importantly, pay attention to what doesn't come up when you do these searches - i.e. the colors for which you cannot find many instances. Take Penelope Cruz for example. Click on each of the following image search links and notice how the results show whether or not the respective color (and what shade) works for her, based on the collection of images that appear in the search results:

Penelope Cruz Red 
Tons of instances of her wearing red, and she looks smoking hot in it (Latin women...)
Penelope Cruz Blue
Plenty of instances of her wearing blue, but notice how in most it is navy rather than a lighter shade
Penelope Cruz Orange
Basically just one orange dress, and notice how it is a burnt orange rather than bright

There are also a ton of websites out there that either describe how to choose colors that work for you, or else offer online (or in-person) consultations. There are some good videos on YouTube as well. While searching for some of the pictures above I bumped into a few good blogs, which have a lot of examples of color done well, as well as explanations of the theory. Take a look:
http://seasonalcoloranalysis.blogspot.com/
http://12blueprints.com/
http://www.prettyyourworld.com/

While it should only take an hour or so to learn the principles and figure out what are your best colors, it can take much longer to implement them in your wardrobe. It won't be easy to overcome some of your misconceptions. Someone may have told you once that pink was your color (for example), and you've worn it ever since, convinced by the confidence of their compliment that it made you look good. But their statement may very well have been wrong, in part or completely - even if you thought they knew what they were talking about when it came to fashion. Maybe they just wanted to make you feel good. Treat every color (or color combination) as suspect until you know it really does work on you. Be prepared to throw some of your clothes away.

I know these things because I paid no attention to my own color for years, and my appearance suffered because of it. Sometimes I would put on a shirt and recognize that it looked good on me, but I would never know why. Frankly, I never really wondered - I was just content that it did look good. And when I finally learned about the need to address my complexion and learn what looked best on me, I started to realize why those shirts had looked good. In fact, my memory of those instances eventually served as examples in figuring out which complexion I had and what would work well with it.

So if you aren't up to speed on your color, go buy the book, do some research online, and hit the mall. Men notice, and it will make a difference.

You Can Control How Attractive You Are

I already have a fairly lengthy post making this point, but I am not convinced I made it strongly enough. I want to present it again in another medium, namely, photos.

Example one:

Notice the difference between Scarlett Johansson's attractiveness in the two photos above. The contrast is impressive. On the left, where she is dressed the way many American college girls dress for their morning classes, I'd say she is about 5, and I am probably padding that number just because I know she is a celebrity and can look the way she does on the right, where she is close to a 10. The only uncontrollable element of Scarlett Johansson's attractiveness between the two photos is the lighting, which counts for very little. Same girl, different level of attention paid to her appearance, dramatically different result.

It is true, of course, that Scarlett Johansson has professionals working with her to help her look this good. However, I could not disagree more that cosmetologists make a difference in excess of what any girl can do for herself, assuming she is willing to invest the time and effort to learn how. And I don't think the amount of time or effort required is as large as you might think. Cosmetologists are professionals only because they know how to make any woman attractive. They know the principles and are experts at applying them quickly for a variety of people. But you only need to become an expert on one person - yourself - and this is significantly easier.

Here is another example, less extreme but still telling:

On the left, Jenna Fischer is about a 5, maybe a 5.5. On the right, she is a 7.5. The difference is in her hair, posture, makeup and the color of her clothes. If she wore better clothes still I think she could get up to an 8.5, but she rarely does, judging from the photos I could find online.

Another example:

On the left, Carrie Underwood is a solid 7. On the right, she is a 9.5. In this case, the discrepancy has a lot to do with wearing her best colors getting the right amount of contrast, her hair, eyebrow shape and the hoop earrings. I'd argue that Carrie Underwood has maximized her attractiveness in the right photo. Nakedness, heels and lingerie might bump it up a notch, but otherwise she is playing all the right cards.

Here is a a non-celebrity example:

I don't know who the girl is, but on the left, she is about a 3. On the right, I'd say she is a 5. In this case, most of the change comes from hair length (yes, she is probably wearing extensions, but eventually she could grow it), plucked eyebrows, better clothes and a little makeup. By losing weight, spending more time on her hair and choosing her clothes even more carefully, she has potential to be a 7 maybe even an 8. You wouldn't believe this by looking at the photo on the left, but it is much more obvious once the improvements have been started.

Here is Kate Gosselin:

Left: 2; center: 4; right: 7.5. That is an overall increase of 5.5 points, largely accounted for by hair length, clothes and most importantly, weight loss (apparently a tummy tuck too, but she did have sextuplets... I call it fair). I don't know if she could look much better, but she'd done a damn good job leveraging what she has to work with.

If you want to see more examples, try using the term "makeover before and after" in an image search, or search for pictures of celebrities without makeup. You might argue that all of the women above have pretty faces, so they all have some initial potential to be attractive. There is some truth to this, namely, that they have the potential to be more attractive; but it does not mean that a girl with an asymmetric face, enormous nose or irreparably crooked teeth is doomed to be ugly. I've seen pretty girls that match all of those descriptions. True, a girl like this probably can't become as attractive as Carrie Underwood, or maybe even Kate Gosselin. However, the ability to improve her look is still there; she will just have to focus on the other aspects of feminine beauty to make that improvement, and there are many to choose from. The main reason I didn't put up photos to demonstrate this is that I couldn't find any. Most of the "before-and-after" photos on the internet are of famous people, and most famous people have attractive faces. But consider Lady Gaga or Paris Hilton: neither of them have pretty faces, but both of them (can) look attractive. Also, consider this woman:

Although she actually has a decent facial structure, a lot of people would say that she has an ugly face if they only saw the left photo. But on the right, when the same face is presented well, it is clear that the problem is not facial structure, but rather, presentation. So be careful about assuming you have a bad face. Most likely you do not, and even even if you do, there is still a lot you can do to improve your look.

Anyway, the ultimate point, again, is that no one has to be ugly. By making an effort, you can drastically improve your appearance and attractiveness, and in many instances, girls can transition from "ugly" to attractive. And while you may think you have optimized your own look, it is unlikely that you have. Think carefully about your weight, the color and cut of your clothes, your hair style, grooming, makeup, posture, etc. All of these things can make a huge difference, and can be leveraged to increase you attractiveness.