Why Men Like Draped Necklaces

I've been noticing lately that I really like it when women wear long necklaces. I recently stopped to think about why, and I realized that long necklaces break over the crest of a woman's breasts and hang in mid-air below them, thereby subconsciously drawing a man's attention to them. If you have reasonably sized breasts (B-cup and above), this is a good thing; use it to your advantage. I would rank the effect of this right up there with the attractiveness boost you get from large earrings.

If you have smaller breasts, a necklace like this can still look good, just not for the same reasons. It might instead pull together an outfit or add ornament to a plain top. I'd err on the smaller side, but I wouldn't categorically avoid them for fear of drawing attention to the fact that your breasts aren't your best asset.

A couple other things I noticed: a necklace is definitely too long if it hangs below your belly button, and it is too fat (relative to the length) if it's thickness prevents it from draping gracefully over your breasts.

OK now I am going to stop with the fashion advice before readers start questioning my sexuality...


Related Posts
1. The Bigger The Hoops, The Bigger The Whore
2. Feminine Beauty is Highly Controllable
3. Don't Wear Sneakers
4. Be Careful About Wearing Large-Shouldered Tops

What it Is Like to Approach Women

I've heard a lot of girls make the following comment:

This guy at the bar was staring at me all night, but he never approached. What's the big deal?? If he likes me, he should just come talk to me! I want him to; why is he so intimidated? 

Or others have said essentially the same thing in suggesting that

A guy doesn't need to use pickup lines to talk to get girls. He just needs to say "hi" to get the girl he likes.

The truth, of course, is that a guy just needs to say "hi" to get the girl that likes him. To get a girl without her prior interest, he "just" needs to impress her with his confidence and bearing when he approaches. He "just" needs to be calm and carry the conversation without making himself look like an idiot. The guy who stares at the girl across the bar but never approaches knows that this will be difficult to do when his pride, reputation and success all hinge on his performance (in fact, as we know from the quote above, he judges that it is too difficult, maybe impossible, and never approaches).

Consider what seems at first to be a relatively obvious and uninteresting fact: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. That is worth repeating: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. You might not be able to empathize with the difficulty of approaching women, but this fact tells you pretty much all you need to know. Pause for a moment and ask yourself what other social actions are so unnerving that people would almost categorically get intoxicated before doing them (if it were socially acceptable to do so). Public speaking maybe? A big job interview? Confronting a good friend about something very important to you? A lot of people get nervous about these kinds of things long before doing them - hours, days, or sometimes even weeks in advance. Approaching a random, attractive woman is easily on the same difficulty level for the vast majority of men, and for a large number of them, it is much harder.

I am sure some female readers are thinking "That is ridiculous; it shouldn't be that difficult." Fine. Great. Maybe it shouldn't. I could say the same thing about public speaking; it shouldn't be that difficult either. But normative statements aside, the fact is that, for most people, it is. To paint this picture as clearly as possible, I am going to draw a quick analogy...

Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.

But it isn't even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won't only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.

Don't forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won't be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about - that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn't overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn't organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.

There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations - just like a man is always judged relative to a woman's other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about - probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6'3" athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you'd been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?

In fact, it is a huge testament to the depth of the male desire for sexual companionship (and I don't mean that only in the physical sense) that we push through these fears and nerves - yes, sometimes with the help of alcohol or game - in order to talk to and attract women. We do routinely get up in front of the class, swallow our pride and nerves and try our best to beat that nerdy smart kid with the killer public speaking abilities and nerves of steel. And we often do it without any external motivation.

I am not trying to glorify the struggles of men, nor am I am trying to excuse our weaknesses. I am simply trying to show the girls who say things like those quoted at the start of this post that the male-female comparison isn't as simple as they believe; and I think analogies like this one go a long way towards doing this. If public-speaking isn't something you find difficult, then you can substitute it for whatever makes you nervous. Maybe for you it is going on roller-coasters or telling someone you care about that you love them for the first time. The point is that this kind of comparison will help you understand - and hopefully, therefore, appreciate - how difficult it can be for a guy to approach or pursue a girl he really likes. This understanding will count towards your general understanding of male behavior, which in turn will serve to improve your chances with men.


Related Posts
1. What it Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
2. The Upper Hand In Relationships
3. How To Make Yourself Approachable
4. Why Men Don't Approach You During the Day
5. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You

Texting Tip 3 - When Should You Reply?

Since I've already explained how you should reply to a man's texts, the obvious follow-up is to explain when to reply to a man's texts.

You've probably heard all kinds of suggestions from other girls about how long to wait before replying to a text from a guy you like. Some claim you should always wait 15 minutes, others insist on only replying to every other text, while others still dismiss "playing games" as ridiculous and advocate replying however you feel like in the moment. Ignore all of this advice. It will either make you come across as needy and too easy, or else cold and too distant.

In order to time your texts so that you convey your best self, you will need to be two things: genuine and realistic. Being genuine will prevent you from seeming uninterested or boring, while being realistic will prevent you from seeming desperate. Furthermore, your authenticity will show a man your true self, while your realism will keep in check your tendency to be too forthcoming. Let me elaborate...

Genuine. If you get a text from a guy that you like, and you genuinely have a free moment to reply, don't play games by artificially prolonging your response. This might be "successful" in the sense that it will occasionally keep a man on the hook for a time, but this is only because he wants to prove that you want him; it doesn't make him enjoy you any more. In addition, the whole "hard to get" charade is far too easy to overdo, and you risk making yourself appear uninterested - or worse, cold and boring. So when he texts, answer him naturally, genuinely, authentically. If you find yourself thinking "I don't feel like replying right now," or "I'll get to it later," then don't reply at all, or tell him (tactfully) that you don't want to pursue a relationship. You probably shouldn't have given him your number in the first place.  

Realistic. If you are really excited about the guy who is texting you, or if you are just excited to be getting any attention from a guy, you need to resist your temptation to indulge in communicating with him (anticipating his texts, reading them, replying, and anticipating the next one). This excitement seems like a small thing; but when you are dropping everything immediately upon receiving a text notification, or constantly checking your phone just to make sure you didn't miss the latest message from him, you start to realize how much you are allowing a merely potential relationship to monopolize your priorities. In these cases, you need a healthy dose of realism. Unless you are months into a serious relationship, there is no way that know whether or not things will work out with this guy; so it is ridiculous to interrupt what you are doing every time your phone goes off. When you do this, you are reacting to your imagination and wishful thinking, not to reality.

By embracing these two principles simultaneously, you will achieve the attitude that texting "rules" seek to emulate. Yeah, sure, maybe it will mean that you occasionally seem a little over-excited to get his text (because you happen to be checking your messages when his comes in), or a bit distant (because you were ignoring your phone while studying for ten hours, and his text came in right after you started); but you will only seem so in the short term. No single text you send will represent to him your attitude, so no single response time will matter completely. (Though if it does take you hours to reply, it is worth acknowledging this by giving a quick explanation; though an apology isn't usually warranted - if it had been urgent he should have called.)

A good way to strike this balance is to text the men you are dating in the same way that you regularly text your acquaintances  friends or family. Would you bring your phone into to the gym with you - even though you normally don't - in order to be available for a text that your female coworker might or might not send you? Then why are you doing it for the random (albiet hot) guy who got your number at the bar last night? Would you interrupt your studies for the big exam tomorrow to check a text that you suspect is from your mom, asking how your day was? Then why are you doing it for a guy who (for all you know so far) might be married or have incompatible politics? Would you delay your response for an additional 15 minutes, or occasionally not reply at all in a text conversation with your little brother? Then why do you feel the need to do it with your cute coworker who you really like and suspect might be into you? Treat these men like the mere friends or acquaintances that they are, until they become something more - at which point text games won't be necessary anyway.

A final note: if a guy seems to be playing games with you, artificially delaying his responses or skipping texts (yes, guys do this stuff too sometimes), I still suggest replying authentically and realistically. But after 4 or 5 late and unexplained texts, feel free to ignore him. He's either a player or not interested enough, and either way you do best to forget about him.


Related Posts
1. Other Texting Tips
2. Should You Give a Guy Your Last Name?
3. Living Vulnerably

I'm Taking a Short Break

I have a crazy couple weeks starting in the next few days, so it might be a little while before I post anything new. In the meantime, I encourage you to explore the older posts, or re-read some older ones (quite often, ideas will only take root the second time you encounter them, especially if some time has passed).

Here are a few important posts that I don't often link to:

1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
2. Sexy Versus Cute
3. Making Him Jealous Doesn't Work
4. The Male Sex Drive Always Recharges
5. The Upper Hand in Relationships
6. Don't Talk Yourself Up
7. The Female's Internal Conflict

I will be slow replying to e-mails as well, so please be patient if you have written me in the last week or so, but haven't heard back yet.

Why Men "Fade Out"

Women sometimes complain about men "fading out" - that is, slowing and then ceasing contact after dating for a little while, or else just stopping it abruptly. The alternative, of course, is for the guy to call the girl and tell her directly (in these words or others) "I am not interested in seeing you again. I had fun with you but I can tell it won't work out so I don't want to continue dating."

No guy wants to make that call, so instead, many men simply stop communicating with the girl altogether. I understand that there are a lot of bad feelings mixed up in the experience of slowly realizing that the guy isn't interested, so I want to explain why men do this, try to excuse it slightly, and offer a way of handling it.*

The reasons men "fade out" are simple:

1. It is easier than being direct with you (for him). He doesn't have to fumble through a difficult conversation in which he tries to balance the harsh truth about his feelings for you with an explanation that doesn't hurt your feelings too much. Not only is striking this balance difficult, but there are also implications if he fails to do so - damage to your ego if he is too blunt and ambiguity if he isn't sufficiently forthcoming.
2. It is easier than being direct with you (for you). You don't want to hear the harsh truth any more than he wants to deliver it. True, you might want closure more than you want to avoid the pain of knowing he doesn't want to see you again; but the hit to the ego you receive when a guy fades out slowly is less severe than if he calls you up and says abruptly: "I don't think you are good enough for me" (which is what being dumped amounts to).
3. It would be presumptuous to assume that you wanted to continue the relationship. This is the reason that I think women understand least. Sometimes a man feels like he doesn't have the right to announce his decision to stop seeing you, because he doesn't feel justified in making the implied assumption that you wanted to see him again. Sure, in some instances he might suspect that you do; but he never knows for sure. If there is enough ambiguity about your interest in him, it can very easily prevent him from being direct with you about his decision to stop seeing you.
4. It still conveys the message. While in the short term you might be confused by his lack of contact, he knows that after a few months of silence there won't be any ambiguity about his lack of interest. In the long term, he isn't sacrificing clarity by forgoing the direct phone call.

Girls that have been faced with the need to dump a guy know exactly what I am talking about. In fact, this isn't a singularly male phenomenon, except in the sense that men - due to their promiscuity - tend to be the ones breaking things off more frequently than women.

So how do you handle the situation if a man starts to "fade out" on you? Well, I suggest you start by recognizing that your chief annoyance is the temporary ambiguity - with the emphasis on temporary (see #4 above). From there you have two options:

1. Let the ambiguity dissipate by his continued lack of contact. This is usually difficult in proportion to how disappointed you are that he stopped wanting to see you; but a confident and vulnerable woman does not get very invested in the early stages of a relationship, and anyway is not interested perpetuating things with men who aren't interested (enough) in her.
2. Remove the ambiguity by calling him. Whether you do it because you are impatient or because you are annoyed that he isn't being direct with you, you can always call him to ask for closure. While technically speaking this is initiating contact, it isn't problematic because you aren't trying to preserve the relationship anymore. I suggest saying something along the lines of "Hey, [name], I know things didn't work out between us, and I can live with that; but I just wanted to actually hear it from you and know what changed in your mind." You will be putting him on the spot here, so don't expect much in terms of an explanation, but at least you will get confirmation that he is no longer interested.

_____________________________

* Note that I am only talking here about "fading out" after early dating. If this happens after a long time together, or in an exclusive relationship, the reasons and obligations on the man's part are different entirely.

Related Posts

1. Ask For Feedback If A Guy Breaks Up With You

2. Don't Initiate Contact

3. Get Used to Rejection

4. How to Reject a Guy

Men and "Friends With Benefits"

While explaining her relationship with a guy she is interested in, a reader who recently wrote to me for advice reminded me of the difference between the typical male and female approach to being "friends with benefits":

I guess we're friends with benefits because there's no commitment on both parts. I also made a conscious choice that it was only purely physical with what happened between us (only twice by the way). But I liked his company and the flowing conversations we had. I didn't put any pressure on him either. I had no illusions, in other words. I was, however, hoping that we could learn more about each other slowly and establish a good foundation before going to the next level. But again, I had no illusions.

The simple fact is that men almost never fall in love this way, despite what you saw in the fictional movie (emphasis on fictional), No Strings Attached. The woman quoted above might not have had any illusions about the fact that the relationship was purely sexual, but I suspect she did have some illusions about just how unlikely it was that her love interest would change his perspective on the relationship. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have wasted her time.

It has been my experience - both personal and vicarious - that the vast majority of women view a casual sexual relationship as a potential stepping stone towards a relationship. Men, on the other hand, see it as nothing more than what it sounds like: sex with no emotional ties, no commitment, nothing. If anything, men treat it as a step away from a committed relationship, because if they wanted more from a woman, they wouldn't settle for mere sex; they'd want her exclusivity also. (If this sounds familiar, it is probably because it is almost identical to the difference between the male and female perspectives on moving in together before marriage.)

Any man who is mildly observant of the opposite sex will have a hunch in the back of his mind that this kind of relationship is bound to explode eventually. But he isn't going to turn down all of the commitment-free sex he'll get in the meantime just because of some "feeling." Men don't trust feelings the way women do. Men are hyper-rational, literal creatures. If it is called "no-strings-attached" relationship, that's exactly how he treats it, no matter how much cuddling and hanging out is involved.

Furthermore, a man will often be willing to engage in a relationship like this with a woman who is below his league, in the same way that many people will have lower standards for the quality of the house they lease, as opposed to the one they eventually buy.

Yes, of course, I know, there are occasional exceptions. There are always exceptions. Once in a while, a long-term relationship or even a marriage can grow out of something that started as friends-with-benefits. But the point is that, when it comes to casual sexual relationships, the exceptions are so rare that you'll be far better off avoiding them completely than taking a gamble on even the most apparently promising ones.

So before you jump at the opportunity to "get closer" to the man you want by making things sexual, recognize that his willingness to engage in a casual sexual relationship with you is actually a step away from commitment, not a step towards it.

Related Posts
1. Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do
2. Men and Sexual Variety
3. Don't Fuck on The First Date

What Men Think of You Without Makeup

There is no question that you look better with your hair and makeup done than you do without it. If your boyfriend tells you that you are hotter without it, because he prefers when you "look more natural," he is either lying or you aren't doing your makeup correctly. Makeup is designed to make you look better; saying that it doesn't is like saying that a fresh coat of paint on a house doesn't make the house look better: it is only true when someone screws up the paint job by using the wrong colors or applying the right ones incorrectly.

In any case, although cosmetics give you an undeniable advantage when it comes to controlling your appearance, they come with the burden of deciding when and where their use is appropriate. The following points explain what men think about seeing you done up or in your natural state, so that you can better choose between the two when that decision proves difficult.

1. He cares about first impressions. We all do. They matter. Initial experiences leave an impression on the mind much deeper than most of those that follow; this is simply the way the human brain works. So make sure you are looking great the first few times you meet him; he will remember it. (Note that I did not say that you should be looking "your best" the first few times you meet him. This is because it is always good to keep a little something in reserve. If your "great" isn't good enough for him, your "best" probably won't be either. And even if it were, you would have to be completely focused on your appearance in order to barely keep him interested, making your life a living hell.)

2. He is going to see you without makeup eventually, so don't make inordinate attempts to avoid being seen bare-faced after the first few dates. By inordinate I mean things like canceling a date because you won't have time to do your hair perfectly, or completely avoiding a hike with him because full makeup and hair would be inappropriate. I don't mean spending an hour getting ready for a date. Spending time to make yourself look your best is normal, not inordinate; so err on the side of doing this more frequently rather than less. Just beware that there is an upper limit to the benefit of added effort, since he will see you without makeup eventually.

3. He doesn't stop wanting to see you done up. There is a misconception among some women that as a relationship develops, a man becomes either (a) less turned on by seeing you done up, or (b) more turned on by seeing you in your natural state. Neither of these are true. In fact, if anything, the opposite is true in both instances, since, as a man grows accustomed to your look, his sex drive starts nagging at him, inclining him to desire other women (though in a good relationship, this is counteracted by emotional investment, time investment, love, etc.) In any case, he certainly doesn't stop wanting to see you look your best, or grow less disappointed when you reduce the effort you put into your appearance. There is no point at which you can "relax" without implications while you are both sexually active with each other. If this seems unfair, remember the analogy between confidence and beauty: you taking a break from being beautiful for him is like him taking a break from being strong and confident for you. While you could probably sympathize with your man's desire to relax in this regard, and might even be OK with him showing his weaknesses to you from time to time (see #7 below), you'd prefer to always have him being his strongest, and you wouldn't be any less turned off by his weakness just because time had elapsed in the relationship.

4. He hates a women whose life is dictated by her appearance. The negative effect of being unwilling to do activities that would require you to not wear makeup (camping, surfing, etc.) by far outweighs the advantage you gain by always being seen at your best - especially considering points #2 and #8.

5. He loves a woman who is confident in her own skin. Confidence is a character trait that both sexes find incredibly attractive in the other (even if women value it more than men) because confidence is rooted in a healthy self-perception and acknowledgement of one's own self-worth - which all diligent and contentious people have. The attractiveness of your confidence is much more important than whatever advantage you sacrifice by occasionally being seen without makeup.

6. He loves you looking your best during sex. Remember that men are primarily stimulated visually. While there is a certain attraction to being naked with a woman who bares her whole self to you, most of the time a man wants to be sleeping with the hottest woman he can. Again, remember the analogy between confidence and beauty, and consider how you'd feel if your normally confident man man turned into a weak pushover in the sack. I am not saying that you should never have sex without your hair and makeup done. There are some instances in which getting done up just for sex isn't appropriate, and he'd certainly rather have sex with the "au natural" you than not have sex at all. But when you have the option to get done up, and you find yourself tempted to think "oh, he doesn't really care" or "we love each other so much it doesn't matter," remember this point.

7. There is something intimate about seeing a girl without makeup. When I've seen my ex-girlfriends without their hair and makeup done, I've had two thoughts: (a) she is less attractive, but (b) it is nice that I get to see this side of her. It is an expression of intimacy - and her confidence - that she can be herself in my presence, and this is worth something. Don't use this as an excuse to ignore point #3, but allow it to help you if you struggle with point #5.

8. He isn't expecting you to be as hot without it as you are with it. Men understand that you aren't going to be as beautiful without your makeup on and hair done. This is expected, and it is factored in to their evaluation of your attractiveness. Yes, there are some women who get more benefit from makeup than others, and it is possible for a man to be surprised by how much less attractive a girl looks without it. You can avoid falling into this category by understanding your complexion and wearing makeup that is compatible with your natural look; but regardless, know that men definitely hold you to lower standards when you aren't made up.

A final point is worth noting: a genuinely feminine woman loves looking her best. She takes great pleasure in adorning herself and amplifying her internal beauty via her external beauty. You don't need to be a supermodel to enjoy this; you simply need to know that you are looking your current best. The more you allow yourself to enjoy looking beautiful, the less you will resent the "need" to do so, and the more comfortable you will feel when you don't.

Related Posts

1. The Importance of Hair

2. How to Look Good During Sex

3. Hair and Makeup Variety

4. A Tool for Learning Makeup

What Men Think About Your Disability

Hi Andrew,

I don't think I'm your target audience but found myself agreeing with many of your posts (mercifully they are short, to the point and well written).

When I am out and about I get a fair amount of attention from men and women. People smile often, say hello, compliment me on my hair, generally really nice to me. Well the women do. I even have complete strangers pouring their heart out to me. I notice men looking at me and once in awhile they smile. Without appearing 'full of myself' I know I have a nice, friendly, open face and personality. I do get very nervous if I'm aware a man might be interested in me. Consequently, all that easy breezy confidence I usually have disappears.

The thing is, I have weakness in my legs and I use a walker. I think this is an impediment (along with my age, although most people think I'm much younger than I am). I have had men approach me even though it's clear I need an aid. Mostly they do not. Most people really do notice my face first and then their eyes wonder down to notice my walker; they look back up then away.  My guess is that a lot of people are intrigued by the dissonance: a young looking, pretty woman using an "old lady" walker.

I appear very normal other than using a walker. I'm only interested in meeting a guy to date seriously. By the way, I'm 46.

I know my physical disability slashes my chances with most men but do you have any suggestions about how I may increase them?

Kind regards,
Nancy
__________________________________________

Nancy,

If I imagine myself in a public place where I was open to meeting women, and I saw an attractive woman with a walker, my reaction would be something like this:

"Woah, she is good looking. Is that a walker? That's kind of strange... but also interesting. It might be a little awkward trying to 'talk around' it [i.e. avoid bringing it up in conversation, or making sure to do so tactfully] but I still want to meet her. I wonder if it affects her ability to have sex? Would it be weird dating a girl like that? Would the walker be in the way all the time? I bet she is a good and interesting person." 

Then a series of images would flash through my mind about how the walker might play into a relationship with her. I might imagine helping her get seated at dinner, getting into and out of the car, etc.

This is not just a hypothetical situation for me. I had a similar experience one time, fairly recently, when I came across a cute girl's profile on a dating website. When I clicked-down into her photo album, I saw that she had deformed legs and a wheelchair. I remember thinking essentially the same things I've paraphrased above.

You can be 100 % sure that the sex question will go through any guy's mind if he is otherwise interested in you - whether it is for a temporary or long term relationship. In fact, I think it is safe to say that for any guy, this will be his biggest question, even if it seems obvious to you that there wouldn't be any issue. While it would be pretty awkward to convey your ability to have sex in a spoken conversation, you might consider internet dating, where you could literally add a note about it to your profile - maybe just a sentence at the bottom saying something like "By the way, even though I have a walker, I just want to put it out there that I am still capable of normal sexual relationship." This might seem a little awkward to post online, but it would be well received by the men, and it would remove an impediment - again, probably the largest - from their willingness to contact you.

If you date a guy and you get to a point where you would be comfortable having sex, I suggest letting him know indirectly that you are capable of it. You can do this by taking a natural opportunity in conversation to point out that your disability "doesn't prevent anything except your ability to walk." No need to wink, raise an eyebrow or even say it in a suggestive tone. Even if he doesn't understand that you are trying to convey your ability to have sex (in fact, it would be better that he didn't), that comment will be in the back of his mind when he thinks about having sex with you later, and it will have helped to form his understanding of the limited effect of your disability. He will therefore be more comfortable making a sexual advance. If he makes an advance before you are comfortable having sex, I suggest pointing out the reason why you aren't ready (maybe it's just too soon, or you are waiting for marriage, etc.), so that he knows that it isn't because of your disability. I do not suggest making an advance yourself.

The second biggest consideration will be the overall effect of the walker on day-to-day activities. I don't see this being a huge problem to an open-minded guy, but some men would prefer not to have to deal with it at all. The latter group of guys are probably not the kind you are interested in anyway, and I suggest just being happy that they won't waste your time. However, the ignorant and open-minded guys are the extremes on a scale. Different guys will consider your disability a "big deal" to different degrees, and it will play into each's decision accordingly. So with all guys, the best thing to do will be to help them become familiar with its minimal effect on your life as soon as possible. You can do this mostly by showing him how casual you are about it: if you go on a date, be nonchalant about your walker in any situations it creates. Mention the walker in passing without focusing too much on it, or casually telling a story in which it played a role, but moving on naturally in the conversation afterwards. Your casual references will speak volumes about the normal-ness of the walker in your life.

Humor will be a very big tool for you in this regard. In fact, I think it can be your biggest ally if it isn't too forced. For example, I envision you talking with a girlfriend and a guy you like, and you telling a story that happens to involve a funny situation that was caused by your walker. For a split second after the punch line, the guy is mildly uncomfortable (because he doesn't know how he "should" respond), but that awkwardness instantly melts away when he sees you and your friend talking casually and laughing about the whole thing. Then you return to normal conversation, just like after telling any funny story - except that he now realizes a bit better how natural it is for you, and how natural it would be for him if he were to date you. If you can show him that you can laugh about your walker and disability, he will be much more comfortable with the idea of dating you.

The converse is also true: nothing will turn off men more than to get the impression that your disability is a big deal, and is awkward, and is an impediment to a normal relationship. The girl I mentioned earlier with the wheelchair on the dating website made one huge mistake: she put a disclaimer at the bottom of her profile saying something like "and if you send me a message asking about my chair I will find where you live and beat you up." Obviously her threat was a joke (she was tiny), but it showed that she was uncomfortable with any attention drawn to the fact that she was different. She thought her wheelchair was a much bigger deal than it really was, and that was a red flag to me and other men that we would constantly have to tip-toe around the subject. Ugh. I would have been so much more attracted if she'd had written "Oh, and if you think my wheelchair holds me down, just wait 'til I kick your ass on the basketball court! ;)"

The general idea, I think, is that your walker isn't a big deal and you just need to show potential boyfriends this. I can tell from your e-mail that you are very comfortable with its effect on your life. But realize that for the guy, it is a new thing with a lot of associated uncertainty. The sooner you can remove that uncertainty and replace it with normal-ness and humor, the more he will be able to envision himself living with it and you.

It is worth mentioning that your walker is certainly acting at least partially as a filter. If a man approaches you, you know he is interested in something more than sex. Therefore I think you can ignore any advice about gauging his interest or making him wait. This doesn't mean you should take the initiative yourself (asking him out or for his number, for example), because this will come across as needy; but it does mean that you can be more open to his advances than other girls. (If you aren't getting a lot of attention from men at the moment, this openness will probably come naturally, since you will be excited about the prospect of finding a guy.)

So maybe I can summarize by saying I suggest the following:

• If possible, convey to him that you are capable of sexual relationship
• Demonstrate immediately that your disability is not a big deal, and that you are comfortable with it
• Recognize that a man approaching you has already been "filtered" so there is far less need to test him. Be open but not needy.

Oh, and about being nervous when a guy gives you attention: you can be sure that the guy is nervous about giving you attention, and most likely does not notice your nervousness - unless you show some painfully visible sign of it (shaking for example). The first time I hit on a girl at the grocery store I was nervous as hell. I'd passed her in the aisles a couple times and she'd made eye contact back at me, so I suspected she might be interested, but I was still nervous. I forced myself to approach her and she was clearly nervous too (fidgeting, awkward, etc.). All this did was to calm my own nerves, which in turn calmed hers, and we had a nice conversation.

I hope some of this helps. Good luck and thanks for the kind words about the blog.

Andrew
__________________________________________

Hello Andrew,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and practical advice. It is very helpful. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

You have helped me realize that I had made the walker more of an issue than needed. I suppose I lacked faith that any man would look past my disability. I'm glad you pointed out that I need not play hard to get with a man who has shown interest. It is a reminder that we really need to assess our unique positions when reading material on dating.

My confidence has gone up a notch. Now, all I need to do is get out there.

You really ought to write a book if you haven't already.

Once again; thank you.

Kind regards,

Nancy
_________________________________________

Andrew,

I was thinking if and when the time comes, do I need to be completely honest about how far my disability has affected my life? For instance, I am in continual pain but I have learnt how to manage it. Or do you think it would be better if I don't make an issue of it?

Nancy
__________________________________________

Nancy,

I would focus more on making sure he knows that you are used to it than trying to point out how bad it is. Just telling him how much it hurts isn't the whole story, because, as you say, you have learned how to manage it.

Recently my coworker and his wife bought a new house. They got a great deal on it, but realized only after they moved in that it was under the flight path of a local airport.

When they first moved in, they started hearing the planes, and were worried that they'd made a huge mistake. But after a couple weeks they literally couldn't even tell you when an airplane had passed because they were so used to it. If the real estate agent had shown them the home during heavier airplane traffic, or called their attention to it, they'd probably have immediately walked away, not realizing how minor a disturbance it would actually be. They would have missed out on a great deal.

Likewise, if it comes up in conversation for some reason, I would be honest and admit that yes, it hurts - sometimes a lot - but emphasize that you know how to manage it and it isn't a big deal because of that. I wouldn't even go into detail about how you manage it, because that calls more attention to it than it warrants. The point is that you do manage it, and it isn't a huge thing. End of story.

Hope that helps,

Andrew


Related Posts
1. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
2. Self-Improvement Takes Time
3. Why You Don't Get Approached by Men