Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Amy Young

I haven't come across many online dating advice resources for women that I consider valuable. You might have noticed that (until today) I didn't follow anyone on Twitter, and you probably notice that I don't have links to other websites anywhere on here. This is because most other dating advice resources for women basically suck. They either give advice that feeds people's need to feel like there are easy solutions, don't say anything insightful, or their authors are clearly more interested in their personal success than putting out quality content. I don't want to undermine my readers' trust for my content by recommending them.

Well, today I stumbled upon* an impressive exception. Her name is Amy Young and she has a YouTube channel and a blog. I haven't watched all of her videos or read all of her articles, but I've seen more than enough to recognize three things that set her apart:
  1. She's smart. Why this matters is kind of self-explanatory, but I am going to spell it out anyway: it means that she gets down the crux of your issues with men and dating, and she explains them clearly. (And to anticipate the comments: yes, in spite of what you may have inserted between the lines of my posts on the topic, intelligence in women is attractive.)
  2. She's genuine. She isn't dishing out advice from the "I do everything right and that's why you should listen to me" perspective like many supposed dating gurus. It comes much more from a place of "Yeah, I fucked this up too, but I see now where I went wrong; don't make the same mistake I did." And her advice is all the more trustworthy because of it.
  3. She's not a complainer. This is by far what sold me the most. People who don't complain are rare. Very, very, rare. And this is all the more true when it comes to talking about the behavior of the opposite sex. Aside from a couple tongue-in-cheek comments, her content is 100% devoid of the hackneyed, indulgent, "girls are good, guys are bad," victim-type undertones that pervade so much of the dating advice out there for women. That absence is a hallmark of someone with strong boundaries, and it demonstrates the kind of mindset you need to attract a quality guy. This is the kind of girl you want to be taking advice from.
Yeah, OK, she starts her videos by saying shit in an weird voice, and she puts gay music in the background of her videos. But you're girls so you probably like that stuff anyway.

I posted some videos below, but go check her out:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxbz8CzmZFjgKHJ3sbUoa1g
(link to her YouTube channel)

http://www.amyyoungcoaching.com/
(link to her website)

Here's one video that I kept saying "Holy shit, that is so true" to:

How to Reveal A Guy's True Intentions

Here is one that most girls need to hear:

What if All the "Good Guys" are Taken?

And in the vein of my last post (again, so true):

Dudes Lovin Lady Bodies 101

Enjoy.

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* Or, to be more accurate, I was recommended her channel by YouTube's apparently effective content match-up algorithms.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Ugly Girls Don’t Exist

Every once in a while I get e-mails from girls who have clearly resigned themselves to a life of lovelessness because they think they are ugly. And while I feel bad about this situation, it isn't because they are ugly...

I used to feel sorry for ugly girls. When you're a young guy who still feels completely in awe of beautiful women, it's easy to fall into thinking that the girls who don’t have a visual effect on you are incapable of enjoying the dating world. Female good looks were overwhelming to me, so the girls without them must not be able to get guys – or so my 22-year-old logic went, anyway.

This reasoning sustained some damage when I finally went out with some hot girls. Doing so made me realize that what my mom had been telling me for years was actually true: a girl's looks aren't everything. But this actually wasn't what put an end to my pity. That didn’t happen until I realized that there actually wasn’t anyone to pity – that ugly girls don’t exist.

It's common knowledge that physical beauty in women consists mainly of signs of health, youth, and fertility. Wide hips are attractive because they are conducive to childbearing. Long, full, smooth hair is sexy because it shows that a woman has all the nutrients she needs to grow it. Big breasts are attractive because they emphasize a woman’s ability to feed her child. Tight skin and big eyes are attractive because they make a woman look young and therefore more capable of bearing healthy children.

This state of affairs isn’t a coincidence. It exists because, throughout human history, the men who happened to be attracted to signs of health, youth, and fertility were more likely to fuck healthy, young, and fertile women, and they were therefore more likely to pass on their fertility-attracted genetics to future generations. The dudes who happened to be attracted to some other set of traits in females ended up having sex with less-fertile women, and their genetics were never passed on – or at least, they were passed on less and less until they died out completely. Likewise, the infertile women (in other words, the unattractive women) – or the women attracted to impotent men – also failed to reproduce, and their genes were similarly drained from the gene pool.

Most of you have probably heard all of this before. What is interesting here isn’t so much the evolutionary narrative, it’s the corresponding implication: because the weakest and least-attractive genes died out long ago, and the strongest, healthiest, most attractive ones have persisted, the human race is getting perpetually more attractive.

Of course, you don't need the spiel on natural selection to realize this; just look at what we used to look like:

A Neanderthal Woman and Modern Woman
(Image from National Geographic)

Yes, that’s right, I am comparing you to cave women. But it is a legitimate comparison because it makes an important point: if you exist on the earth today, it is only because men, collectively, throughout human history, wanted to fuck you. The ones who didn’t died off millions of years ago, along with all of the “ugly” genes in both sexes. Everyone left is sexy.

It’s like the whole human race has been using Tinder for millions of years, and now we’re living in a world populated only by our matches. Except it’s even better because our matches didn’t just swipe us right because they were bored on the way to work; they actually voted for us by banging our ancestors – there’s no ambiguity about what they wanted. And sure, maybe you like some of your matches more than the others, and maybe some of your matches like others more than you; but there is no getting around the fact that your sexual attractiveness (or potential for it) was a prerequisite for your existence in the gene pool.


Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you are attractive just the way you are. It may well be that you need to lose some serious weight and learn how to dress well in order to make men realize that they want to bang you. But that is a good thing, because it means that you can lose some serious weight and learn how to dress well and men will realize that they want to bang you.

And of course, there will always be “least hot,” “hotter” and “hottest.” Our minds have evolved to care about that, but the interesting thing is that men’s penises have not. I’ve talked about this with many guy friends many times, and we all agree that, when we are horny, we are willing to fuck about 50 % of women under the age of 60. And this considers even the women who don’t make an effort – imagine how high that number would be if everyone did.

Neither am I saying that every woman has an inherent capability to lock down a top-shelf dude. There are a lot of things other than looks that matter in dating and relationships, and there is a lot more to life than getting sexual attention from men. But what I am saying is that every woman who thinks she’s “just ugly” or somehow “unfuckable” is flat-out wrong. You are on this earth today because you have the ability to give men a boner. End of story.

This is a pretty important point – important enough that I made it in one of my earliest posts a few years ago. I drew the conclusion then that no girl needs to be below a 5 on the 10-point scale. And I stand by that. To borrow from what I said there:
...the time and effort you put into your appearance will produce results. Do not worry if your gut tells you otherwise; your gut is informed by beauty pageants and "100 Hottest Women" lists, and a thousand other influences that both reinforce and reflect the notion that beauty is a matter of winning the genetic gene pool - i.e. a matter of 'haves' vs. 'have-nots.' This notion is bullshit...no girl needs to be less than a five on the ten scale...If you present yourself well and get in great shape, you will be above average. And for those of you that are naturally about average, the sky's your limit.
I realize this message probably doesn’t apply to most of my readers. If you are reading websites like this, you haven’t given up hope. You know or at least suspect that there are things you can do to improve the quality and quantity of attention you get from men. So this message isn’t necessarily for you. But you probably know other girls who have given up. Maybe you have a friend who thinks she’s inherently unattractive or that she’s destined to be single her whole life because men don't want to fuck her.

The next time that conversation comes up with her (or even if it doesn’t), remind her of what I've said here. Remind her that hope should never be lost. Better yet, remind her that hope should never be necessary. You don't need hope when you're a winner in the genetic Olympics; you just need motivation. And a damn good way for her to get motivated is to recognize the truth: that with a little effort, being sexually attractive is well within her reach.


Related Posts
1. Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable
2. You Can Control How Attractive You Are
3. Should You Focus on Your Looks or Personality More?

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Your PhD Is His Eight-Pack

Everyone's talking about the whole "dadbod" thing, so it's been on my mind recently.

Before I say anything else, let me just make it clear that I resent having to reference something with such a retarded name. Modern American culture's tendency to come up with stupid names for stuff like this is almost as obnoxious as its ability to miss the point.

In any case, while on the surface the whole "dadbod" phenomenon looks like nothing more than a justification for men and women who want to be lazy about their appearance, I think there is something valuable in the idea, even if it lies a little beneath the surface. But in order to draw an important comparison to it, I first need to explain something else I've been thinking about recently, thanks to a recent podcast on Animus Empire and conversations with a couple girls I know...

These days, a lot of women out-perform men in the ostensible measures of "success." Whether this be with achievements in the workplace, academic degrees, financial earnings, or just the capability to make things happen, many women feel like they are better than men at their own game. And many women are.

But at the same time, a woman's physiology compels her to want to "marry up." In spite of the desire and ability to be successful by traditionally male standards, she also feels incapable of settling for a man who doesn't impress her with respect to those same standards.

Source: Snyder and Dillow, 2012

This is obviously problematic. When you as a woman are earning $100k + per year or have dual Bachelor's degrees and a Master's, it is going to be pretty tough feeling like you've found someone impressive, because the vast majority of men earn about $45k and drink their way through laughable degrees. I've met many girls in this situation – accomplished in all respects, but unhappy in their relationships and dissatisfied by their supposed success. (Perhaps unfulfilled is a better word, for reasons I explain in my new book.)

Most women don't intentionally choose this situation. They were raised in a culture that told them their personal worth was dictated by the position they could win in the office, or the degree they could earn in school. When they were too young to think for themselves and understand what their post-pubescent selves would want, they were pointed in the direction of traditionally masculine success, and told that they'd better work hard and marry their "equal" if they wanted to be happy in life. But anyone over the age of 30 knows that this is bullshit. Sure, no one wants to go back to 17th century and arranged marriages; but the idea that a woman can be happily married to a man who has no abilities in excess of her own is absurd. She might find a way to be content in that kind of marriage, sure, but content people take Zoloft.

This isn't something that only applies to women, by the way. Both sexes want spouses that are "better" than them; we just want the opposite sex to be better than us in very different and complimentary ways. Women typically want a man who is better than them when it comes to providing and protecting their family, while men typically want a woman who is better than them when it comes to raising children, creating a "home" (I mean this in the widest possible sense of the word) and keeping the family connected to the outside world. I discuss one small aspect of this dynamic in the post The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty. If you haven't read yet, I suggest taking a minute to do so before finishing this one. The point is that women want men who are stable and capable ("confident"), while men want a woman who is fertile and a light in their life ("beautiful").

This is what your PhD or upper management position looks like.
Anyway that brings to the "dadbod." As I said, at first glance, the claim that women like men with mediocre bodies looks like an excuse for men to be sloppy and for women to lower the standard of comparison for their own bodies. And for many people, this is exactly how the concept will be used, without further consideration. But for those of us who are willing to think and work, there is a lesson to take away from the "dadbod." After all, the article that started it all was only popular because it touched on an important yet controversial truth, namely, that women and men want different things in relationships. Both sexes want to be better at certain things than their partner, and both sexes want the other to be better than them in some ways. To some degree, it actually does makes sense for a woman to be "the pretty one." This doesn't excuse men from looking after themselves, but it does mean that men who think that they have to tone and sculpt themselves into a Greek God in order to get girls are missing something much more important than bodyfat.

As usual, the useful takeaway here is reached by flipping the comparison to the other side of the sexual divide. Most women struggle with the concept that men don't like them for their accomplishments. They see accomplished men and feel attracted, so they have a hard time understanding why that same standard doesn't apply to them too. At the same time, most women - even if they don't agree that "dadbods" are sexy - at least can identify with wanting to be the pretty one in the relationship and disliking feelings of competition with their own partner. By this point, you probably get what I am going to say: as a man, dating a woman who is highly accomplished in traditionally male arenas is a lot like being a woman and dating a man with a perfectly sculpted body. Or we could state it like this: guys feel the same way about dating women who are more accomplished than them as you feel about dating men who are sexier than you.

Now, by all means, the correct solution for a girl who feels inclined towards guys with "dadbods" is to hit the gym and learn how to present herself (so she can get guys without "dadbods"); just like a guy who feels tempted to date stupid girls should find his purpose in life and work his ass off (so he can feel confident dating smart and accomplished girls). The fact that the sexes want different things doesn't mean it is right for guys to stop working out any more than it means that it is right for women to intentionally dumb themselves down intellectually. As I've stated in a million different ways on this blog, the answer isn't a reduction of the other, it is an augmentation of the self.

No, the whole "dadbod" thing doesn't excuse laziness, but it does serve as a reminder (albeit an awkward one) that each sex is looking for reciprocal qualities in the other. So think twice before pouring several years into developing the very quality you are looking for in the opposite sex. You only have so much time and energy to spend in developing yourself - spend it wisely.


Related Posts
1. No, Your Intelligence Is Not Your Problem
2. Men Don't Care About Your Accomplishments
3. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
4. Human Energy Is Conserved

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

You Shouldn't Want a Boyfriend

The other day, a girl I've been seeing casually for a long time told me that she "really needs to find a boyfriend." I've known several single girls who have communicated this to me in one way or another, and they haven't only been hinting at the fact that they wanted me to be that boyfriend; they've also been expressing an honest desire. Some have suggested it through their behavior or by talking around it; but a few, like this girl, have said it explicitly.

The problem with wanting a boyfriend is that it isn't wanting a husband. Yes, of course, for some girls, saying "I need a boyfriend" is just an abbreviated way of saying that they want to meet a guy who they can date and who will eventually propose; but I wouldn't be writing this post if that applied in every case. Some girls only mean that they are tired of being lonely - that they just want companionship and to feel loved again. They might have some minimal requirements for the boyfriend, but the point is that those requirements fall significantly short of the ones they have for their future spouse.

If your end-game is getting a boyfriend, you aren't going to be filtering the men you date for their long-term compatibility. You'll get into relationships that you could have known from the outset would be terminal (if you'd stopped for a moment to think about it), and you'll end up wasting your time. So be honest with yourself about what you want in a man - maybe even write it down - and don't give in to the temptation of temporary companionship and affection.


Related Posts
1. Know Why You Are Dating
2. Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years
3. Why Men Are Capable of Commitment
4. How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?
5. Men and "Friends with Benefits"

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Book Release: Beyond the Breakup

After far longer than I ever expected it to take, my first book, Beyond the Breakup, is finally out. You can buy it in print format on the CreateSpace eStoreAmazon.com or any of the European Amazon sites. It is also available in electronic format on the Kindle Store (HTML format) or Google Play (PDF format).

As I've said previously (and I'm sure you can probably tell from the title and subtitle) the book is about understanding and handling breakups - specifically, the ones you didn't want to happen. For more detail about the content, I encourage you to take a look at the chapter list at the bottom of this post and read the book description just below the next paragraph.

As I've also pointed out previously, this book was originally intended to be a compilation of blog posts that I'd written about breakups and rejection; so if you are a frequent reader you'll definitely come across some familiar content. However, in the process of compiling the posts, I realized that a lot more needed to be said, and the book grew considerably. I'd estimate that the blog material counts for only 20% of the total content, so even readers who have read every post on this blog will find lots of new material - most of which I consider my best work to date.

Here is the description from the back of the cover:
"It might seem a bit backwards to write a relationship advice book that deals exclusively with breakups and rejection. It would be a lot more obvious to write a book that explains how to attract a man – or at least how to keep the one you already have. Better to give advice about how to start or maintain a relationship than how to deal with the end of one. 
"However, it has been my experience that, for most girls, a painful breakup or rejection actually is the beginning, not the end. It isn't the beginning of a relationship, obviously, but it is the beginning in the sense that it causes them to question for the first time their approach to dating, relationships, and the opposite sex in general. It is the beginning of their efforts to make a change. 
"This book is not written for women with a weak spirit. It isn't going to tell you how to mitigate the pain you feel in the wake of a breakup, and it isn't going to tell you that everything is going to be fine. And while it will tell you how to maximize your chances of getting your ex back, it isn't going to pretend that there are any 'tricks' to make that outcome likely. However, it will do something much more important: it will give you a strong insight into your ex's state of mind and male psychology in general. This will give you the foundation you need to navigate the breakup and – more importantly – propel yourself into honest and successful relationships with the men in your future." 
 – Andrew Aitken
Here are some of the book's stats:
Word Count: 56,000
Pages: 200
Print Format: Paperback
Print Size: 5.25 x 8 inches (13.3 x 20.3 cm)
Anyway, enjoy, and please let me know what you think, either in the comments here, the comments on Amazon, or by e-mail. As always, you can contact me at therulesrevisited@gmail.com.


Chapter List
Introduction
PART I – UNDERSTANDING WHAT HAPPENED
Men Don’t Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do
The Analogy between Sex and Commitment
Why This Always Happens to You
Changing Your Perspective
Why You Didn't See It Coming
Men Don’t Have “Commitment Problems”
The Difference between Liking You and Liking You Enough
Why Men “Fade Out”
You Weren't Dating Him in the First Place
The Small Things Didn't Matter Anyway
Why Your Ex (Who Dumped You) Is Still Contacting You
Your Ex and Guilt
Your Ex and Pride
Your Ex and Decisiveness
Interpreting His Emotions
What’s Going through His Mind 
PART II – HOW TO HANDLE THE BREAKUP 
The Importance of Silence after a Breakup
No, You Can't Be “Just Friends”
How to Know If You Should Cut Him Off
Why It's Never Too Late
Why You Should Tell Him That You Are Cutting Him Off
What to Say
Managing Your Expectations
When You Should Fight to Save Your Relationship
Exceptions to the Rule
How to Know If You Should Dump Him First
When He Cheats
The Anatomy of Missing Him 
PART III – FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH THE BREAKUP 
Making Him Jealous Doesn't Work
Seeing Him at Work
Keeping in Touch With His Friends and Family
Being Connected with Your Ex on Social Media
Returning His Things and Getting Yours Back
What to Do When He Contacts You
When He Says He Wants Another Chance
Reason and Distraction
Stop Sleeping with Your Ex to Prove He Likes You 
PART IV – MOVING ON AND REBUILDING
You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Stop Letting Him Waste Your Time
Know Why You Want Him Back
Why Getting Him Back Won't Help
Why Getting Dumped Is a Good Thing
The Importance of Emotional Honesty
Dating Again
Putting the Breakup in Perspective
When You Can Contact Him Again
Reframing the Future 
A Final Word

Related Posts

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Your Hand Can't Hide Your Ass

There's one thing some girls do that never fails to make me laugh. When they walk by a group of guys and suspect that the guys will check out her ass, they try to subtly drape their hand across their butt in an attempt to shield it from the guys' view. This is always funny because (a) it's never subtle and (b) it is absolutely ineffective. Although some girls might only be trying to "disrupt" the guys' view, rather than block it completely, it simply doesn't work. Whatever curve (or lack thereof) you might be successful in hiding on one side of your ass can just as easily be seen on the other. You'd have better luck trying to shade yourself from the sun with a broomstick.

But, as you might have guessed, I am not writing this just to remind your of your body proportions. No, there is something more important going on, and the attempt to hide your ass is just the symptom. By hiding your ass, you are either expressing insecurity about your body, or else you are showing your lack of comfort with male sexuality.

If you are trying to hide your ass because you don't like the way it looks, you are essentially saying "I am discontent with my body, so I am going to try to hide it." And I get that no one is completely content with their body; it's the hiding it part that is the problem. The alternative, of course, is to say "I am discontent with the way my ass looks, so I am going to do something to change it." By draping your hand across your butt, you are being dishonest rather than proactive. You are doing the same thing as the guy who, when asked by a girl what he does, tells her he "has his own company," when the truth is that he works at his dad's gas station for 50 hours a week and is making a weak-at-best attempt to start a website selling graphic t-shirts on the side. In the same way that he needs to start admitting what he really does with 95% of his time (and then doing something to change it if that makes him uncomfortable), you need to let men look at your ass for what it is, and then use the resulting discomfort as motivation for squats, lunges or dieting.

Granted, the guy who checks you out from behind probably isn't being completely honest either. If he were, he wouldn't wait until you passed to "steal" a look at your ass; he would do it while you are watching. Of course there is the practical consideration that a girl's ass can only be seen from behind, but this doesn't change the fact that most men are too scared or ashamed to express their sexual interest in a girl directly. Those guys probably liked your face or chest more than your ass, but checking those out would have required eye contact and revealing that they like you, which of course requires facing rejection. Anyway, just because most men are insincere in looking doesn't excuse you for being insincere in hiding. I am only saying so to point out that this isn't a gender-specific problem. 

Now, if, on the other hand, you are attempting to hide your ass in spite of being perfectly comfortable with the way it looks, there is only one explanation: you don't feel comfortable with male sexual desire. This might be because of its intensity, or because you don't really understand it* (perhaps because you have no experience with it), or it might be because your sister or friend is on the receiving end of it far more than you. Whatever the case, it makes you uneasy.

You might attempt to defend this uneasiness by saying that you "don't like being treated like a piece of meat," but this is just an example of clever semantics putting a negative spin on a phenomenon that is so natural that you couldn't - or more accurately, wouldn't - exist without it. Straight men who are unmotivated by an attractive female body are about as common as women who are unmotivated by the idea of commitment. Good luck finding them. You either need to get used to that idea, or get used to the idea of being single, because if you can't feel comfortable with the fact that a man feels sexually attracted to the curves of your body, you can't feel comfortable with men.

Let me be clear here: I am not trying to defend men who only care about a woman's looks (who, by the way don't exist - but this is the topic for another post), and I am not trying to defend rude or crass expressions of male physical desire, like cat-calling or groping. But I am trying to point out that it isn't normal or healthy for women to walk around constantly worried about whether or not men are looking at their asses. And it certainly isn't normal to awkwardly pretend that your limbs happen to be in conveniently "concealing" locations when they have no natural business being there.

So if you are one of the girls doing this, realize that men know what you are trying to do and it doesn't work. And if you want to dig a little deeper, recognize it as a sign of a psychological kink that you need to work on.

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*Many men have a similar discomfort with the reciprocal, which is female emotional desire.


Monday, March 2, 2015

Thoughts on "The Manosphere"

I suspect a good portion of the readers of this site have stumbled upon "The Manosphere" while browsing the internet for information about relationships – even if they haven't recognized it by that name. For those unfamiliar with it, The Manosphere is a very loose collection of blogs and websites written for men by men. They discuss male-related issues, with a heavy focus on the politics and social dynamics surrounding male-female interactions.

Perhaps more characteristic than the content itself (which can vary quite widely) is the underlying ideology, which champions self-improvement, the exposure of counter-cultural "red pill" truths about sexual dynamics, and a return to traditional gender roles for men and women. Sites like Return of Kings and Chateau Heartiste are typical of The Manosphere.

Recently, a reader asked whether I agreed with a post she'd read, claiming that women should read Manosphere websites (the post was written by a girl). By doing so, the post argued, women can learn a lot about men, and therefore more effectively attract the kind of man they want. What follows are my thoughts about this theory…

Let me start by explaining that I know about The Manosphere because I used to read it. I still do occasionally, as some of the blogs are still on my Blogger feed, and they often publish posts with titles that are hard to ignore, such as "6 Reasons Why Fat Women Are Defective."

In any case, the first thing you need to realize is that, in spite of the constant attempts to prove the contrary, The Manosphere is written by men who are bad with women. At least, it is written by men who have a history of being bad with women. I know this in part because being bad with women was how I discovered The Manosphere. But you don't need this "takes-one-to-know-one" perspective to see that posts titled "The Age of Flakes" or "How to Get Rid of Approach Anxiety" are written by guys (and of course, for guys) who have a lot of room for improvement.

Let me emphasize that I see nothing wrong with this. When a guy wakes up in his early twenties and realizes that he has crippling anxiety about talking to women, it is usually due to causes that were somewhat beyond his control - the way his parents raised him, for example. The fact that these guys are taking steps or even strides towards changing that fact is laudable. I am not mocking or pointing fingers here; I am just pointing out that the basic characteristic common to the authors of Manosphere sites is that they have a history of not getting the kind of reactions from women that they want, which leads to the more important point: Manosphere writers come from a place of discontent with respect to what women think about them. A small subset of them might have learned a handful of techniques that get them to a point where they feel proud of their success with women, and a select few beyond that might have genuinely overcome their underlying sense of inadequacy with respect to women. But the rest still feel this dissatisfaction, even if they don't recognize or admit it.

Now, there are two ways a man can react when he is disappointed with his success with women. The first is to recognize an inadequacy within, and work towards improving. The second is to blame that lack of success on women or circumstance, and give up. In The Manosphere, you'll find both. When I first discovered some Manosphere websites, I was looking for other men who had the first reaction; and I found enough of it to keep me interested for a while. But it was the realization that the majority of the writers were indulging in the second reaction that ultimately caused me to stop reading. In the same way that I eventually stopped appreciating Taylor Swift because I heard enough of her songs to realize that she has a major victim syndrome, I was turned off by The Manosphere's writers once I read enough to recognize what lies behind most of their complaints: dissatisfaction with themselves and the need for a scapegoat.

Let's look at an example to illustrate this: if a guy is approaching girls and they are rejecting him by turning immediately to look at their phones, there are two ways of explaining what is happening. The first is for the guy to admit that he is approaching these girls awkwardly, or that he is dressed poorly, or that something else is wrong. Then he can either work to improve or lower his expectations accordingly. The second way is to blame it on women or smartphones – or both. A nice way to confirm this opinion is to read (or write) an article claiming that "Women Who Own iPhones Lose The Ability To Love" and read all of the affirming responses in the article's comments section. Of course, the guy has to overlook the fact that the positive comments come from other men who've been similarly snubbed by girls, and are similarly looking for confirmation that it wasn't their fault. You, meanwhile, read such an article and are left wondering if maybe your phone is preventing you from attracting men. The reality, of course, is that your instinct to look at your phone all the time says much more about his timidity in approaching you than anything about your receptiveness.

I am not saying that all men in The Manosphere hate women. I am not even saying that any one of its writers hates women. But I am saying that The Manosphere is built on the tiny feelings of satisfaction that its thousands of readers – many of whom are normal guys who have a fairly healthy relationships with women – feel every time they can laugh or take a jab at what has caused them pain at some point in their past: women. I know because I've felt the temptation to do so myself, and I've seen the same tendency manifest itself as a wide spectrum of self-supporting-yet-delusional beliefs (held by men and women alike, and not necessarily related to dating). Men like reading The Manosphere for the same reason that women like songs that tell them weight isn't so important when it comes to attracting men: because it's easier than admitting that they're going to have to work harder.


I can absolutely see how a girl would be drawn in to The Manosphere. In a world of sappy, sugar-coated, "everything-is-going-to-be-all-right" dating advice, the stuff you read on The Manosphere stings just enough to be believable. You might even applaud yourself for pushing through your initial distaste for what you read in order to learn from the "harsh truth" beyond. But just because the truth is often harsh doesn't mean that harsh claims are necessarily true. Just because everyone else lies to you to make you feel good about yourself doesn't mean that the person who makes you feel bad about yourself isn't full of shit too. And as I explained above, there are good reasons to believe that a lot of The Manosphere is full of shit. What seems like a collection of articles written by men with absolutely no motivation to lie to you is actually a collection of articles written by men who feel shunned and mistreated by women in general (or at least have a history of feeling that way), and therefore have an underlying desire to believe that the playing field of sexual dynamics is tilted back in their favor. There is a reason why reading The Manosphere makes you feel like it kind of sucks to be a girl. What better way is there for a guy in his 30s to compensate for the feelings of sexual impotence he had in college (when he was surrounded by beautiful girls he couldn't get) than by inflating the importance of youth when it comes to female attractiveness? The assertions of The Manosphere are simply too convenient to be completely believable.

Yes, it is partially true that society has lost sight of what these guys call "red pill" truths; I am not denying that. But the very fact that they use metaphors from The Matrix should hint at the fact that many of them have issues with attracting women; and the almost singular focus on pointing out female shortcomings should suggest that maybe, just maybe, they hold their world-view because it conveniently puts them back into the place of power they feel so incapable of occupying. Ever notice how the most ardent modern-day Feminists are fat and ugly? The most vocal authors in The Manosphere are the masculine manifestation of exactly the same phenomenon: the phenomenon whereby people subconsciously choose beliefs that reassert their importance and agency in the world. The modern Feminist says "I am not good-looking enough to compete with Victoria's Secret models, so the standards of beauty they idealize must be inaccurate and unfair." The Manosphere writer says: "I am not getting the attention from women that I want; it must be because the girls in my country are selfish and entitled."

I don't want to paint the whole Manosphere in a bad light. From what I've read of his stuff, the guy who writes Chateau Heartiste seems pretty damn smart, and I admire Roosh's drive and bold individualism. There are definitely a lot of intelligent guys writing some very insightful stuff in The Manosphere, and there is a lot that both women and men can learn from reading it. The problem is just that there is a lot of bad mixed in with the good. And although it might be easy to identify the posts that are flagrantly wrong, even the sharpest readers will have trouble distinguishing the truth in the grayer areas.

So I am not going to tell you not to read The Manosphere. I've never liked the idea of censorship, and who the hell am I to tell you what to read anyway? But if you do choose to read The Manosphere, you need to recognize that you are walking through a minefield of ideas, where a lot of what you'll read is colored by the authors' need to feel sexually powerful. Yes, occasionally the complaints you read about women on those blogs will be honest and accurate expositions of things that women are doing wrong; but more often than not they will be frustration-fueled attempts to blame someone or something else for the fact that the author can't get the kind or quantity of girls he wants. That being said, being aware of the mindset behind what you read in The Manosphere should go a long way towards being able to distinguish the truth from the wishful thinking. So my advice is simple: keep this fact in mind, and read carefully.

One last note, especially for the men reading this: most of the good information contained in The Manosphere, and a lot more besides, minus all of the posturing and complaining, can be found on a website called Animus Empire. Women, of course, can find the good without the bad on blogs like this one.


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Saturday, February 14, 2015

Book Update

In July I posted an announcement that I’d finished working on a manuscript for a book about breakups. While I never committed to an exact release date, I mentioned that I expected to have it out within a few months. I certainly expected to have it edited and published before the end of the year. Clearly that hasn't happened, and I know from the emails and comments I receive that many of you are eager to read it, so I want to give you an update.

Let me start by saying that the book is definitely still coming out. Content editing took longer than I anticipated, but is now complete. At the moment, the manuscript is undergoing copy editing, which I expect to have finished in a few weeks. In parallel I am working on the cover design, but I already have a few solid concepts, so this should be finished before the editing, so hopefully this won’t hold things up.

Once all that stuff is done, I’ll need to order a proof copy, make adjustments as needed, and proof again. How long that process will take is a little unclear, but I expect it won’t be more than a couple weeks. All said and done, I suspect the book will be out in a couple of months.

To hold you over, below is a chapter list, which makes the content pretty transparent. The chapters are almost all very short, like a typical blog post, so don’t be intimidated by the chapter quantity. The full book will be about 200 pages.

It is probably also worth pointing out that although some of the chapters have the same titles as blog posts, and are based around those posts, most of them have been significantly expanded. A couple have been almost completely re-written, notably the first two.

More information is here in the original post about the book.

Chapter List
Introduction
Part 1: Understanding What Happened
Men Don’t Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do
The Analogy between Sex and Commitment
Why This Always Happens to You
Changing Your Perspective
Why You Didn’t See It Coming
Men Don’t Have “Commitment Problems”
The Difference between Liking You and Liking You Enough
Why Men “Fade Out”
You Weren’t Dating Him in the First Place
The Small Things Didn’t Matter Anyway
Why Your Ex (Who Dumped You) Is Still Contacting You
Your Ex and Guilt
Your Ex and Pride
Your Ex and Decisiveness
Interpreting His Emotions
What’s Going Through His Mind
Part 2: How to Handle the Breakup
The Importance of Silence after a Breakup
No, You Can’t Be “Just Friends”
How to Know If You Should Cut Him Off
Why It’s Never Too Late
Why You Should Tell Him That You Are Cutting Him Off
What to Say
Managing Your Expectations
When You Should Fight to Save Your Relationship
Exceptions to the Rule
How to Know If You Should Dump Him First
When He Cheats
The Anatomy of Missing Him
Part 3: Following Through with the Breakup
Making Him Jealous Doesn’t Work
Seeing Him at Work…
Keeping in Touch With His Friends and Family
Being Connected with Your Ex on Social Media
Returning His Things and Getting Yours Back
What to Do When He Contacts You
When He Says He Wants Another Chance…
Stop Sleeping with Your Ex to Prove He Likes You
Part 4: Moving on and Rebuilding
You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Stop Letting Him Waste Your Time
Know Why You Want Him Back
Why Getting Him Back Won't Help
Why Getting Dumped Is a Good Thing
The Importance of Emotional Honesty
Dating Again
Putting the Breakup in Perspective
When You Can Contact Him Again
Reframing the Future
A Final Word