About this Blog

I am a 31-year-old, American, straight, white, single man. I write this blog in my free time. I am from a large family and my parents are still happily married. I grew up with very masculine environments and had very little help in learning about women; so I can empathize with being ignorant about the opposite sex, and I understand the learning process one has to go through in order to correct that.

I do well with women. There are certainly some better-looking men out there, maybe some that are more confident, and possibly some that are smarter. Obviously there aren't any who are more modest ;) I am not at the very top of the heap, but I've made significant improvements. Several years ago I could barely talk to girls, let alone attract them, so I can definitely identify with the struggle for self-improvement.

I love women and have an extremely analytical mind. The former trait motivates my observations, while the latter facilitates my curiosity and helps to process those observations. I also love ideas and writing: this blog is the result.

I write for women rather than men simply because there are so few resources of this type for women. Men have thousands of books and blogs; women have a handful. Originally this seemed unfair to me, and I decided to start this blog in order to correct that imbalance. I realize now that it partly existed due to the fact that women aren't as inclined as men to dissect their problems and construct solutions; their approach is normally more social and intuitive. But the success of this blog bears witness to the fact that a large number of women can and do benefit from this kind of advice, so I am happy to provide it.

This post gives some more background and overview of the blog: CLEO Magazine Interview

Assumptions and Caveats

In everything I write I make several assumptions about the reader and their beliefs. If you disagree with the content of this blog, it is likely because you disagree with one or more of the following:
  • Happy, monogamous, long-term relationships (marriage in most cases) are possible and desirable.
  • Modern, western, liberal thought is reasonable enough to warrant the on-going experiment of attempting life according to its tenets. This is relevant because the most of the advice I give assumes that the sexual mores of western culture are reasonable, despite some apparent excesses (either in repression or liberation, depending on your perspective). If I didn't think these things were reasonable, I would instead be writing a blog urging that women be blindly submissive to men, never wear revealing clothing, or else one that advocated swingers clubs and polyamory.
  • The various characteristics of men (physical, social, cultural, financial, etc.) follow a Gaussian distribution in most cases, and a woman can maximize her chances with men by appealing to the average man.
The second half of the post Don't Fuck on the First Date, gives a good overview of my philosophy on male-female social and sexual dynamics. This perspective underlies all of what I write on this blog. If you are interested enough to have read this far down the page, I suggest that you read that post before continuing to read anything else.

154 comments:

  1. I've been following your blog for a while now. I have to congratulate you on the eloquent execution of your observations. I have always been interested in a male perspective, and well, I don't have to look anywhere else. I'm always looking forwards to your next post. I live in San Diego too. :)

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  2. i think we need a picture!

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  3. You sound exactly like my boyfriend. I wonder if you look like him too (maybe you ARE him and he's running this blog without telling me?). Either way, pic please!

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  4. I believe congratulations are in order! Building this page means you're already getting enough hits to warrant it. (And I bet you have a ridiculous return rate, like 95%+).

    I forsee a book deal in your future.

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  5. Can you expand on this? "The various characteristics of men (physical, social, cultural, financial, etc.) follow a Gaussian distribution in most cases, and a woman can maximize her chances with men in general by appealing to the average." Thanks!

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    1. I just mean that by appealing to the average man, you appeal to the greatest number of men, because there are more men that match the average than men who do not. For example, a woman who cuts her hair short is making a bad move if she wants to attract men, because only 3 % of men are attracted to short-haired women. If she wears her hair long, she has more men to choose from.

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    2. Being masculine and analytical, you will appreciate my observation that the following sentence has been missing a word since you started this blog:
      "Five or six years ago I could barely girls in the 6 - 7 range,..."

      You could barely get/date/approach...whatever you mean to say.

      Good website.

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    3. OH DEAR, only 3% of the men in the world are attracted to short-haired women? I don't know why but unfortunately they must have all moved to where I live then. Except for the few that are in the countries around that I visit around the world. I really wish there were fewer men that liked short hair on men, so I could get some peace and quiet and be left alone a bit more.

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    4. is any blog like this for men?

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  6. I am curious; most of our advice in this blog is based on the assumption that most men will chase a woman they genuinely have feelings for.
    I have experienced men playing hard to get. Pulling back for a bit - then realizing it didn't work and start initiating again. I've also heard male friends say that they prolong replying or ignore text messages to make women more interested.
    I'm assuming you think women shouldn't rely on that possibility - which I agree with. I'm personally not interested in dating a man who doesn't contact me reasonably often and show his feelings for me.
    Is this part of what men call "game"? Is it reasonable to assume that a majority of attractive men are aware of this? Even if they don't practice "game", I think a lot of men make sure they don't come on too strong?

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    1. That's a really good question - how many men actively use "game"? I can't give you an exact answer, but I would estimate that something like 80 % of men are AWARE of SOME form of "strategy" or "game" in attempting to win a girl's attention. The most obvious form of this is delaying responses in communication. I've often heard other men discussing how long they should wait to call a girl, and I've had that same conversation plenty of times with my friends. It is on almost every uy's mind. That being said, the fact that a guy thinks about it is a separate matter from whether or not he actually applies it. I think the numbers are dramatically less for application. Maybe 60 % of guys are waiting to reply to a girl's texts, but this number reduces a lot when they guy is more attracted to a girl. Game is a lot easier to pull off on girls a guy isn't that interested in. Also, a guy will be less inclined to delay texts witha girl he likes because he likes communicating with her and receiving her approval.

      It is a reasonable assumption that a man is closely watching what he says and how he says it when he is communicating with a girl he likes (I am sure this is no different for women when they are talking to a man they like). Each guy, however, will have a different "strategy" so it is hard to say whether his late text is "usually" game or a real indifference.

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    2. Thanks, this is useful. There are different ways of doing applying 'game' though - delaying replies is one way, but it is likely to genuinely annoy a girl (without make her more attracted) if it keeps happening.
      Since the guy is the one to initiate contact, he can also control how often that happens. Say you've been seeing a guy and he texts you about every day or every second day. He continues to do this, the girl replies but does not initiate anything. I suppose it is on his mind that he doesn't want to text more often, as in 'coming on too strong'? Even if he really likes her? Even a guy that is really infatuated will probably stop himself from calling a girl all day?
      More so if she's been passive, out of reach or may have come across as a bit indifferent - he keeps up the texting/calling, but over time only contacts her every 3 or 4 days. As long as the guy keeps actively initiating meetings or contact and verbally says he's into her, I would assume this 'game' is a result of him not wanting to come on too strong?

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    3. Game I don't think works as effectively on girls with healthy levels of self esteem. If a man's contact starts to slacken I will usually (as a woman) assume that he has lost interest, distance myself emotionally and move on to the next guy.

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  7. Do you think location matters at all in what you advise - I believe SoCal is more favorable for women (more women than men), so it is easier for them to wait for an approach, vs a place like NYC, where demographics heavily favor men.

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  8. I'm really curious, what is your motivation for doing this blog and what do you hope to gain out of it? What's in it for you? Is it completely anonymous who Andrew is or do your friends/girlfriends know that you're writing this?

    Btw, have you gotten engaged yet :D?

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    1. I do it mostly for writing practice. If it continues to get good feedback I might try to assemble the better material into a book, but I am not very interested in putting my name on a self-help book for women.

      I am also legitimately interested in helping women get their shit together. It's painful to see girls that really could be getting much better guys suffer just because they haven't been told some obvious but simple ways to improve themselves. My sisters are like this.

      Only one, maybe two people who have read this blog have met me in person. I want to keep it anonymous for a number of reasons. I'd never want a girl I was dating to read this shit because it would probably make her feel inadequate, even if she didn't like me that much.

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    2. Yes...You sound like EXACTLY like someone I dated who knew exactly what to say, how to be, supportive, although I must admit his action weren't all 100% in hindsight. I really started to think later that it was for practice for some self help book..or maybe a BLOG like this one. Hope you didn't do this to women for self motivation and blogging. Or would you?

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    3. No I wouldn't do that. I care way more about finding a girl to marry than about this blog.

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  9. Interesting perspective. I've been with my husband since I was 18. I had plenty of fun before him. I'm almost 40 and I feel a change in me. I keep questioning to myself "Is this as good as it gets?" I hope not. I work out 2 hours a day, I eat healthy, hike etc...My husband does nothing! What is it with men in their 40's? It's as if he has given up on sex and life in general. I feel like i am missing out on my prime. My sex drive is off the charts and his is just about non existent. It would be nice to have a male's perspective on this. I feel more confident and attractive than I did when I was in my 20's. Why does my husband not see this?

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    1. He's getting sex elsewhere - either from porn (most likely), a mistress or hookers. Read this post: The Male Sex Drive Always Recharges or this post: Don't Let Pornography Become Your Substitute.

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    2. Well, I asked for a divorce recently. He fought it tooth and nail. Thoughts?

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    3. Pride (i.e. to avoid social embarrasment), emotional investment (he probably still loves you, just not sexually) and a lack of other sexual prospects. This makes porn seem even more likely, since he'd be more inclined to accept the divorce if he could still get ass elsewhere.

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  10. I like reading your articles. It's honest and I appreciate that.

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  11. When I was really young I was in an accident with boiling hot water and it left a massive scar on my chest (above my boobs). I wear clothes that hide this area and no one knows except my mum. Is it important/what should I do?

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    1. It is hard to say how much it matters without seeing the scar, but the general idea is to play up your strengths and play down your weaknesses. If your chest is attractive enough to outweigh the scar, show more cleavage. If not, continue to cover up until you know a guy a little better, at which point I would just tell him. If you start to get into situations in which you'd be taking of a shirt, or wearing clothes that are more casual and would typically show it, just tell him "look, I know this is kind of a weird thing to do, but I am a little self-conscious about a scar that I have. I want to show you for a second just so that it doesn't surprise you and then you feel awkward looking at it when it catches your eye the first time I wear something more low-cut."

      Chances are your scar isn't a big deal and you should stop covering it up ASAP because you are probably shooting yourself in the foot by doing so, but I might be wrong. If you are comfortable sending me pictures I'd be willing to give you my honest opinion.

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    2. I feel your pain anon. 22 year old male virgin here, I'm reasonably good looking but I also have a huge late-onset birthmark on my chest and neck that makes it difficult for me to get intimate with a girl (to say nothing of pool or beach parties; I haven't swum in public in years).

      I'm in the process of getting it lasered off though. It's long and painful, but it's something you could look into if it's affordable for you.

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  12. Wish the recent comments was longer..sometimes I enter a question, I don't remember under which post I put it, and by the time you replied, there are so many new comments, it's disappeared in the "recent comments" field :(

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    1. Thanks for the feedback. I just increased it from 10 to 30. Let me know if that isn't enough.

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    2. It is not enough. :-) Also, can you move the label section down and move the recent comment section up? Thank you!

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    3. Remember that if you want to keep track of your comments you can subscribe to them using the "Subscribe by e-mail" to the bottom right of the comment box.

      How would you feel if I put the "recent comments" on a separate page? Then you could open it in another window. Let me know what you think. My concern is that simply up-ing the number on the main page is a "band-aid" fix - more will be needed as the blog continues to grow.

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    4. I agree. How about adding tabs [placed horizontally] under the blog title and description? Each tab links to one page. Recent comments can be listed on a separate page. The upper left hand column "blog information" and "labels" can have their own pages too. That way the posts can stretch to the full width of the page. What do you think? :-)

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    5. This is what I had in mind. Anyone else have ideas about the blog layout? I am interested to hear.

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    6. Actually I like how the recent comments are listed on the front page. That's where I go first. :)

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    7. Andrew-I heart the blog. As always, great and very insightful.

      You mentioned a while back redesigning the blog. Just a suggestion--when I read on my ipad I keep having to click in/out of the text box if I type because for some reason the text stops. Hard to describe, but I often have to cut and start typing again. Not sure if anyone else experienced it.

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  13. Did you ever consider writing a blog for men? We can give you tips on what topics to cover :) I wish someone could tell the male population that the friendzone doesn't exist, for example. But they don't always seem to keen on getting genuine advice from women.

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    1. that already exists - its called the manosphere - check out heartiste, hookingupsmart, dalrock, spearhead, etc.

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    2. I just checked manosphere, and got horrified!

      If that is what's going on in a lot of men's head, then ffs! It's like teaching guys how to get easy sex with minimum efforts with no senses of love. And a lot of sex it mentions seems to be around the clubs and alcohols only.

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  14. Andrew, thanks for the insights!

    Here are some ideas I've been wondering about:
    - how a girl should text a guy she likes
    - how to figure out if a guy is a player
    - how fake is fake to men? i don't know if i wear too much or too little makeup
    - elaborate on the 1-10 scale. show a picture of each type maybe?
    - how to tell if a guy is ready to settle down or not
    - what are signs you look for in women before approaching them in a public place? (i think i am doing it right because i get approached a lot but might be helpful)
    - relationship game for women - what makes men start looking at other women? what are some tips for keeping relationships as good as they were when it started from a man's perspective?

    ... those are just a few ideas if you need more inspiration :) great blog!

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    1. Marie-a girl should never text a guy unless she is responding to him. Don't chase men, it puts you at a severe disadvantage.

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  15. Andrew,
    I cant stand the way sum up your little insights about women. These topics are all highly objective and superficial. The worst part about this is women are going to read this crap and take it to heart. NO, trust me ladies, most men do not think like this. Even if the do, its on a subconcious level, that doesnt matter. I understand this is an attempt to be honest about attraction, but some things are better left unsaid. Andrew, Im guessing you have trouble maintaining meaningfull relationships with women. Stop analyzing women, start loving them.

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    1. There might be some truth to the fact the my analysis of women makes it difficult for me to maintain a relationship. But that is my problem, and if you can benefit from it by reading this blog, so much the better for you. It certainly doesn't make the posts any less true, though of course you are welcome to disagree with them on other levels.

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    2. The truth, as they say, may hurt, but it does you a lot better than fantasy. You can act on truth. A lot of these observations are hard to listen to, and may not apply to all men. Though it also shows me my game and what I'm doing right.

      Andrew is your favorite brother giving you his opinion fter too many Jaegers. And every woman in the room is listening.

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  16. Have you done the Myers-Briggs test? I'd be curious to know your result.

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  18. I love your blog, it gives very practical advice :) I've been stuck on a guy for a couple of months which I dated three times, but we met online and we did chat for a couple of months. I was totally devasted, he gave me the crap of its not you but me and lets be friends. I know the truth is he was just been a coward and couldn't just say I am not into you and don't want to see you again. At times in these month I've been week and so wanted to contact him but deep down I know what I want to do is use the energy that I use thinking about him to rebuild myself. So when the right guy does come along I will be ready to charm him with just me. So all you girls who just want to be friends with an ex, don't waste the energy. Give yourself the time to rebuild you and meet a better person!

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    1. Wise words..wish I was as strong as you more often! x

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  19. I sometimes think that, true love is proved when someone can "see you when you are invisible", which means when a female is in the worst of her time, struggling for life's frustrations rather than well dolled up, dressed classy, or when a male is still in desperate poverty and building up his future. I think if in such circumstances, someone can still see the best from you, then stronger love is seen from here compared to "chameleon" like people who only try to ally with expediency only?

    I do believe that men and women should do self improvements to bring out the best from themselves for the people who they love and care for. But I also am unsure if I like the idea that if people aren't nice to you in the worst of your times which occured to you through no faults of your own, you should just go all the way to do "self improvements" just so that you could get the missing connections back again?

    But it's also true that everybody loves good stuffs like beauty, confidence etc. over bad things. But I still feel something is just not right there equally. This thought quite often bothers me especially recently.

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  20. The Rules Revisited, just wondering, are you still single?

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    1. You don't read very carefully... check out the first sentence

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  21. You're hysterical and spot on! Thanks for writing this blog!

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  22. I love your blog Andrew... I'd love to see some tips or advice for women who have kids from a previous relationship and how that might effect dating

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  23. I'm most impressed by the use of Gaussian dispersion modeling. The bane of my (previous) existence as an undergrad. Great blog btw.

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  24. Thank you so much for blogging. I never knew all of my dating troubles were because of my utter ignorance about the male mindset. I've been doing everything wrong!! Thanks again Andrew!

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    1. Ha ha. "Like" (if we were on Facebook)

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  25. While your blog is somewhat informative, I truly think most of the posts are overly-critical of women. To be honest, you sound as if you don't truly like the opposite sex. Since I won't be trying to attract a man like you, most of the information here is useless.

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    1. I would guess he is overcompensating for his insecurity toward women by being disparaging of them, which is a common way for ppl to deflect their insecurities.

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    2. I agree, but I doubt he even realizes this. The general tone of the blog is: women are inferior, women are worthless, women are annoying... but I am obsessed with them. Lolz.

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  26. Andrew,

    I very, very much enjoy reading your blog even though I take it with a pinch of salt :D... You are mostly spot on but some of your posts are ridiculous (one that comes to mind is the one about you and the 29 yr old 'older woman' and how her beauty was fading or some crap like this... it did make me chortle, admittedly). You are a great writer and I look forward to your posts. Is there a way we can subscribe to your blog so that each time you put out a new post, we get a notification in our emails? Thanks very much. Also, I totally agree w/the others that a photo of you is necessary bc otherwise you could be a short and squat, hideous-looking troll (no disrespect meant) writing very authoritatively - at times, disparagingly - about all things women related...

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    1. Yes, I've added a "follow by e-mail" box in the left column under the Twitter subscription button.

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    2. I've just checked back and tried it, and it doesn't work :( (the page it loads has a bunch of html-esque gibberish).

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  27. while other men are simply sitting infont of their computers whining and complaining about how bad women are behaving etc, you are actually doing something about it! congrats. nice blogg, (even though i dont agree on some of the things written here). very helpful in letting us understand how to deal with men in a non-politicaly correct but honest way.

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  28. Question about texting, you said that a female should only be responding to a man's text. So when responding does she ask a question to keep the conversation rolling or just give an answer?

    Also, how do you deal with men who either

    1. Text only (never call or reply with your call with a text)
    2. Constantly trying to escalate things with you via text
    3. Often/sporadically text short/lack of grammer "hey" "what u doin" kind of answer or responses?

    AnonymousLilly

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    1. I'll answer your first question via a new post, but the short answer is that you should keep the convo rolling until HE stops it by not asking you another question.

      1. Humor them for a few days then start to ignore them
      2. Text them "I only do that in person ;)"
      3. Live with it. It is the way of the future, for better or worse. Some people view this as lazy, other people think it is how you are "Suuposed" to talk via text so I wouldn't think in to it too much.

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    2. Great answers on how to answer texts. I believed I was in a long distance relationship that was going somewhere and I responded to those " escalating" text messages. My self respect is gone with the man.

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  29. Dear Andrew,

    I'm a regular reader and I've noticed that you seem to travel alot. You are also really intelligent and have great observations and insights. This is outside the scope of this blog, but I was wondering what sort of career you have? I'm 16 and I'm trying to learn as much as I can about future pathways and I would like to develop some qualities you have. Any advice?

    Thank you,
    Marie

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  30. Hey Andrew! I really love your blog and really look forward to your new posts. I'm working really hard to follow a lot of your advice and its definitely paying off, so thank you very much!! I was wondering if you knew of or followed any other blogs or websites of a similar nature to this one, or perhaps some about self-improvement in general that resonated with your strain of thought. There are so many blogs out there that its hard to come by ones of really good quality and advice like this one. I would appreciate any recommendations!

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    1. Christina,

      There is no blog that I can wholeheartedly endorse, since I disagree with some things on all of them, but two excellent ones are www.hookingupsmart.com, www.evanmarckatz.com. There is also some good advice on www.davidwygant.com/women/

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  31. Anyone interested in my Myers-Briggs personality type, I just took a test and got the following results:

    ESTJ
    Extravert(78%) Sensing(1%) Thinking(12%) Judging(1%)

    You have strong preference of Extraversion over Introversion (78%)
    You have marginal or no preference of Sensing over Intuition (1%)
    You have slight preference of Thinking over Feeling (12%)
    You have marginal or no preference of Judging over Perceiving (1%)

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    1. As an avid reader of your blog and a slight Myers Briggs fanatic I've always wondered, but never dared ask, what your personality type was. I would never have pegged you as an ESTJ but your low preferences in intuition, thinking and judging are therefore not surprising - your results would probably change if you were to re-take it in a few months time.

      Penelope Trunk is a blogger that I like to follow that talks a lot about how knowing your personality type can help positively enhance your life in a practical way:

      http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2013/01/15/fast-track-your-career-with-myers-briggs-four-day-seminar-with-penelope-trunk/

      http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2013/01/31/how-to-pick-a-wife-if-you-want-to-have-kids/

      I think, because you have very low preferences on XSTJ you may find that the ESTJ profile does not fit you and knowing your personality type wasn't and won't be that life altering as it was for me. I'm a woman in my early twenties and I got strong preferences in all the letters for being an INTJ (many times!); this is the rarest personality type for a woman and one of the most masculine in characteristics. As an avid reader, knowing your type (ESTJ) helps me understand your perspective even more.

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    2. I find Myers Briggs so fascinating. I am a very "strong" INFP. I wonder if Andrew would have anything to say about compatibility between personality types. Maybe an idea for a blog post?

      I find Socionics and Keirsey's types not that great though... when I read the description for my type, I really identify with the Myers-Briggs one, Keirsey's I find slightly off and Socionics pretty bad.

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    3. A good article I found with a lot of mariage statistics is this one: http://www.personalitydesk.com/story/compatibility-and-your-myers-briggs-personality-type.

      One thing I dislike about Keirsey is that his advice for relationships is limited to pairing up the "rarer" types (idealists (NF) and rationals (NT) ) and the more "common" ones ( artisans (ST) and guardians (SF) ). As you can see in the article I posted, and as you could guess just using common sense, it's more complicated than that. I also feel it takes somewhat of an "elitist approach" (that's really the feeling I got reading his book), which I don't like.

      I haven't been able to find anything that talks in depth about the importance of gender when examining relationships from a personality-typing point of view. For example, I'm an INFP and my fiancé is an ESFJ. We have incredible chemistry and I from what I have read our types complement each other very well (like in that article I linked, they have the highest satisfaction rate), but I don't think the relationship would work as well if, as the woman, I was the ESFJ and HE was the INFP instead. This is mostly I think because some kinds are inherently more feminine and others masculine, not to say that you can't have a male INFP that is masculine, but I think anyone would agree that INFP is a feminine type. ESFJ, while the most common type in women, is unusual for men but ESFJ men are very masculine (the type tends to naturally be aware of gender roles).

      Maybe also extraverted men are naturally more attractive in the sense that they are often charismatic, which is an attractive male quality. I would be curious to know if anyone has any thoughts on the role of gender in MBTI relationships advice.

      Disclaimer: I know that you can't limit a relationship to statistics nor can you categorize a person by their personality type, everyone is unique, all that stuff. It remains however that general trends are observable.

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    4. Can I do this test online for free?

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    5. Andrew-I think you should switch the extrovert wit thinking scores lol Do you agree?

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    6. looking at your scores objectively, it looks like the analysis suggests you like to give opinions but are less receptive & introspective about others ' opinions ... do you think this description fits?

      Andrew, here's an interesting experiment for you: next woman you date that you think you might genuinely like, don't analyze, just note your raw emotions and record them here, analysis-free. Kind of a field experiment. Would be interesting for us to chew over.

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    7. You sound like an ESTJ for sure by how you write, Andrew. The problem with ESTJ's is that their advice may NOT apply to INFJ's and INFP's. You do have some valuable thoughts on the blog, but us INFJ's/INFP's take intuition, individuality and all of the little abstract details into account. I think it's all about how the brain processes things.

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    8. He is an entp . 1% means opposite letter. His s n j are 1% meaning he is 100% n n p. entp

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  32. Jane, thank you for recommending Penelope Trunk's blog. She has some great advice and a lot of her posts really complement well the general strain of thought on The Rules Revisited about personal responsibility for your happiness. The stuff about personality types is really interesting too (test says I'm an ENFJ). If you know of any other blogs similar to that or this one, please do share them!

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  33. I am in love with this blog. When I settled down, I think I will owe a lot to my finding this.

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  34. Delighted to have discovered this blog. This is as real as it gets

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  35. I stumbled on this blog a few days ago, and now I am addicted to it. Staying up late to read this cool advice. The fact that it comes from "a 28-year-old, American, straight, white, single man" who "is more interested in finding a girl to settle down with" and who is "ridiculously good looking, extremely intelligent and humble" makes it even more appealing. Plus, the author definitely has a charisma...

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hey Andrew -

    I stumbled across your blog and really enjoyed reading this. I'm struggling with some self-control with a sporadic texter/bad boy in my life. I know he's a good guy, but also an obvious head case/packed with issues from the last girlfriend. The chemistry was through the flipping roof all times we went out. My issue is not giving in to the temptation to engage in the back and forth texting when he decides to kick up contact. There's a part of me that wants to see him again....but the reasons there are obvious....I don't want to let myself believe that I was wrong in thinking he was a good guy. I also have a tad more control issues than I like to admit and don't like when things aren't in my control.

    Any tips to get inside his head and help me let this one go?

    ReplyDelete
  37. A lot of your advice focuses on looks. And "mass market game playing" e.g. don't fuck on the first date, avoid X stereotypes, where to meet men, etc. Not saying these aren't valid ideas, but I think developing a seductive personality is just as important. Looks are secondary for a confident woman that lights up a room with her energy. Cold, bitchy, hot, game playing women can hook an attractive guy. But genuine, warm, loving, heart stealing women can have their pick of any guy.

    ReplyDelete
  38. wow..i wish I had landed on this 10 months ago or much earlier.. I would have saved myself so much of heartache and pain that I went through because of one confused and a coward man-child !! It's amazing though, that you are doing this as a service to women, can I request if you could send out some grow up/ maturity lesson posts to those man-children who exist in this world? Or maybe you should write a post about toxic men and how to detect a man-child. It would save the next girl who might be up for another heartache. Thanks btw, this is a life saver for every woman who has been through a horrible breakup for no fault of hers..

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hi Andrew,
    Just have to start off by saying I absolutely love this blog! I appreciate your time and effort and do value your advice.
    I have a question about one area of dating that you've never really touched on. Do you have any thoughts on being set up with someone? For example, I have friends, sisters, aunts, etc who always mention that they may know someone and that they can introduce us to each other. I'm always a little reluctant to try and get "set up" with the men they are suggesting. It just doesn't feel natural and is a bit awkward. Would you say that men perceive this in a similar manner? Do you have any advice on this area of dating?

    I look forward to your response! Thank you!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I just wanted to say thank you. I am soooo clueless. Thank you. I wish I had seen this blog years ago...But alas I'm 25 and have a few more years of attractiveness. So Uhmm will be studying this blog in my free-time for the next few months.
    -A former misguided tomboy :S.....
    ps. any advice on online dating? Are they all creeps. I had someone want to do some really awkward activity on a Christian dating website...yea...I said no.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Just discovered your blog and wishing I had discovered it earlier. It's honest and to the point.
    I need some advice if you have an opinion on this topic:
    Last week I was using my boyfriend's iPad and I realised that for about a week he has been facebook messaging a girl pretty much all day - talking about their days, their families, sending photos of what they had for lunch, etc.
    Then yesterday he went to coffee with that same girl.
    I imagine this coffee went well as they have moved from facebook messaging to texting on the phone.
    I brought her up this morning and he apologised for being 'distant' for the past couple of weeks, saying he thinks we put a strain on our relationship by moving in together only 6 months after dating (we lived together for a year while I was looking for places and studying full-time, and I've since moved out).
    After this discussion we hugged and kissed and I thought it was fine.
    But today he and this girl have kept texting, and then they went for a beer tonight.

    Am I allowed to bring up the girl again?? Does he want to break up??
    I'm so confused!!! Up until last week when the girl came in the picture, I thought we had a great relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I had a serious relationship for 3 years which ended a month ago. It happened so suddenly that I was in shock. Things between me and my boyfriend were not good lately and even I suggested that perhaps we would be better off without each other. He said we wanted to work things out. Two days later he called and said "I am done. I can't be with you. I want us to be friends and to see each other from time to time." That was that and two weeks ago he called to say that he has a new girlfriend and he wanted me to hear it from him because he respects me and does not want to lie to me.
    He called me yesterday and said he wants to meet up and I said Ok because I am due to move to Hong Kong in a few months.
    I am so confused. When we first met I was looking for fun and he was the one who said he wants a relationship and we had it. He wanted to have a child with me, to live together and so on. Perhaps I overlooked those things because I was focused on finishing my MA and the next goal was my career.
    Now he shows some sort of interest in my life and I am very confused.
    I am not dating anyone still. I am over the relationship, as much as I could be but I can't understand what is it that he wants.
    I am geeting worried about this meeting next week and I would appreciate any opinions on the matter.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hi Andrew,

    I was wondering if you had any update on the 'Dating as a Virgin' post you've been working on, or any idea when you will post it? I'm 25 and have been putting myself out there more recently with a fair amount of success, but I could really use advice on how and when to approach the sexual inexperience issue.

    Thanks!
    -Allie

    ReplyDelete
  44. your blog is pretty much one of the worst things I've ever read in my entire life.

    ReplyDelete
  45. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your definition of shallow is flawed.

      Delete
  46. Dear Andrew, I've recently started reading your blog. Wow! many of your insights just blew me away (and I'm an older pretty smart woman who just 43 yesterday!). So many things you know so clearly of I had no idea of them before. It's almost mind boggling how you could know so much and so precise. At your age, so many people are so clueless. Even people my age, they can still be just as clueless.

    Your EQ level must be quite high. I'm baffled at your ability to have such amazing understanding in the topics of love, males and females, and the related. Thanks for this wonderful blog. I wish I could meet you :-)!

    ReplyDelete
  47. What I find interesting, is that this blog is such a good example of sexism. It's a huge collection of generic sexist ideas that get repeated over and over in the media. It almost seems like you get a lot of your relationship knowledge from the media (movies, hollywood, etc.)

    On one hand, it seems you are trying to "help" women, but you do so by feeding them toxic ideas that suggest they are worthless and unlovable unless they are "hot" and score a man. It's kind of scary to think that insecure young women will read this blog and accept your beliefs as fact, but I can totally see how your blog will attract vulnerable and desperate women, and men who need an ego boost.

    I think women deserve to be valued primarily for their non-physical traits (character, humor, compatibility, reliability, companionship), and not for their body parts. It seems ridiculous that I have to point this out. Of course you will argue 'but that's just how men are - beauty and youth is what is important to them." Well then I would suggest women are better off without men.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I just found your site, and scrolled by some negative comments on here. I'm 29, female, and I am very impressed with this blog (I hate to even call it that, it's so good). I believe your take on men and women is honest, true (with a few exceptions, of course), and quite helpful. I do not find it in any way sexist, misogynist, or ass-hole-ist. Telling the truth as you know it is a lot more respectful to women than regurgitating the same "you're perfect, as is," pep-talk CRAP that's everywhere you look. Those articles just reaffirm what a lot of women already believe, which is that they don't need to improve the way they treat men or be more respectful of the things which matter to THEM. Wanting to be a strong, powerful, admirable man (whose lady ADORES him) is a good thing to aspire to. But, if you say that the wrong way, or god forbid DESCRIBE HOW THAT FEELS as a man, you'll get snickering comments about the "male ego," and such. I was raised to have confidence as a person and a woman, and I don't buy into the sexism bit in today's world, I just don't. Many women ask the questions you address here, but they don't expect (and can't handle) the TRUTH when it's given to them. I’ll keep reading, because I want to be the best partner I can be to MY man, and I CAN handle the truth.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I found your blog and it's helped me with alot. Im a 24 Black single female and Ive emailed this blog to all my friends. Keep it up

    ReplyDelete
  50. I found this blog by typing the search term "she's a loser" into google.

    ReplyDelete
  51. There's no way in heck this blog's written by a man, especially one in his 20s. If y'all were suckered into believing it, y'all are pitifuller than I thought. You know who needs a blog like this? Losers. Think about it. I stumbled upon this blog by accident in search of one of my own archived posts. And my blog's got nothing to do with this subject. Now, how did THAT happen?! At any rate, no offense... just sayin'! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  52. I never really imagined there were so many rules in order to attract a man you like. This exahauts me just by reading and thinking about it. BAH!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Really no rules. Just a couple of things. 1. Be true to your relationship values. 2. know your life goals- they must be aligned or going in the same direction (reason for divorce) 3. You need to see no red flags or deal breakers. Chemistry is a plus! Been married 12 years with second hubby. For more practical information- go to http://www.motivatedtomarry.com. Coach Amy

    ReplyDelete
  54. Your blog is wonderful. I'm thoroughly amused by your writing and helped an immeasurable amount by the insights. Why, oh why, in God's name, was I not given ANY of this advice oh say, 15 years ago?! Great blog, Andrew. Thanks!!

    ReplyDelete
  55. Hi Andrew, I am really impressed by your blog. I have read every single post again and again and I find that your writings motivate me a lot. Your insights are very helpful in my life. I am inspired to learn more and wonder if you (or the readers here) can recommend other blogs or books. (I have read The rules and Why men marry bitches)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Matthew Hussey is another great source. Highly recommend

      Delete
  56. A man who spends his time creating pie graphs of women's eyelashes, jewelry and nails is not anyone who is in a boat to be shelling out advice on any topic, let alone heterosexual relationships.

    The irony of your blog is that while you have spend countless posts detailing the reasons why women are single, you have never once gained enough introspect to recognize, that men like you are the reason why so many women have opted to remain single.

    Andrew, men like you are a dime a dozen. I can find a single, narcissist, misogynist man child in my grad school, gym, match.com, or even free on POF! These men for whatever reason feel entitled to what they believe is the perfect woman, without having anything to offer in exchange besides a facial beard and an instagram account.

    The confident beautiful woman who you describe that men want, not surprisingly does not desire a man who spends his free time venn diagraming women's faults on his blog. Single women want real men, real men who see and appreciate women for more than their beauty, are not intimidated by ambition and have a colossal penis (something that men should donate 49% of their deserved attention to). Real men like this, are hard to find and that is the only problem single women have.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I have been into this wonderful man, off and on - since 2007. I have attempted to walk away and move on but he always comes back - the usual ups and downs. I love him as my BFF more than anything, but I get tinges of jealousy when the thought that someone new might take him away from me. He told me today to cut back the texting. It was never a problem before. What gives?

    ReplyDelete
  58. Thank you for the posts on silence and "being just friends". It put things into perspective and very clear to understand. Breakups are hard, but reading this made it easier to cope with.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hi Andrew, this blog came up randomly in a google search questions for me. I read a few subjects and now hooked. I wish I had this available to me in my single years, it would have saved so much drama on ifs and buts. I'm not sure if you have done this already, but it would be interesting to get your perspective on when two happily married exs recontact. Is this just a disaster waiting to happen? Very entertaining blog anyway and keep up the great advice :)

    ReplyDelete
  60. "... most of the advice I give assumes that the sexual mores of western culture are reasonable, despite some apparent excesses (either in repression or liberation, depending on your perspective)."

    So which is it, Andrew? Repression or liberation?

    ReplyDelete
  61. Do you know who initiates most divorces? The woman. Do you know why? Because men actually believe women need to be educated about men. Guess what, we catch on, and when we figure out we will leave you and find someone worthwhile.

    Do the world a favor and put your energy into educating the men. It wouldn't hurt for you to start learning more about women, rather than assuming we're all idiots.

    Men are the ones who need help. Stop telling girls that they're "clueless" and start telling men how to act.

    Oh, and stop telling girls not to fuck on the first date. If men would stop acting like idiotic horn-dogs, we wouldn't have to worry about saying no.

    ReplyDelete
  62. good stuff, thanks for all the free info.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Hey Andrew, you might want to take a look at chapter 8 of the book "Conversations with God". It gives a radically different view about relationships with the opposite sex.
    http://www.universe-people.com/english/svetelna_knihovna/htm/en/en_kniha_conversations_with_god_1.htm
    (CHAPTER 8 is the one about relationships)

    As a single male interested also in dating advice in general, I have been a follower of your blog. I still are.

    However, the spiritual look at relationships feels different... more fulfilling at times. Take a look. Maybe we are thinking too much about scaling women and ourselves from 1 to 10, etc, and taking another approach could make us happier.

    On a related note, I keep wondering... did Mark Zuckerber, John Lennon, Bill Gates (and many other guys at-or-close-to the top of the pyramid) use your or my way logical way of thinking to find their long term mate? Seems to me they did something different.

    ReplyDelete
  64. I am completely mystified that people read this blog and actually *believe* or take advice from some random guy on the internet who has really misgnostic beliefs about women.

    Come on people. Think for yourself. Don't believe every blog you read just because someone was able to HTTP their way into your mind.

    Andrew - I think your views on women are an attempt to hold control over women by shaming them, exploiting them and degrading them for your own personal pleasure and the pleasure of like-minded men that have no respect for women. Any woman that thinks what you have to say is 'the truth' doesn't value herself any more then you appear to value women in general through your truly horrific and disturbing 'advice'. Any man who likes what you have to say clearly has his own issues in actually liking women and probably even liking himself. Because any man that can say the kind of stuff he says about women here and their worth and value to men can't like himself that much at all. But I'm sure that's not the side you would share because it would begin to punch holes in your strange-ass theories of women.

    ReplyDelete
  65. The way you denigrate women shows your value as a man.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Andrew, where are you hiding these days?! Do a new post!

    ReplyDelete
  67. Andrew, where are you hiding these days?! Do a new post!

    ReplyDelete
  68. I know Andrew's posts resonate with some,but they are nonetheless tremendously problematic. Think about it, what type of person searches online for "what guys like in a girl" and other similar queries? Primarily, insecure female teenagers. No woman of the author's cited age with any life experience and self-respect is going to believe that this man's views reflect reality in any way. Yet on a post about female height on this blog, there were numerous comments by 15 year old girls bemoaning that their height was cited by Andrew as being "wrong". Teenage girls are alreay prone to low self esteem because of the society we live in. The last think they need is to stumble across some guy claiming to speak for all men saying that certain arbitrary aspects of a woman make her less desirable. Of course, nobody can tell you what to believe, write, or post. But a mature and confident person isn't going to be seeking out this site, much less taking it to heart; these posts will make an impression on only the most vulnerable women. Please, consider who your audience is and the effect your judgemental opinions might have on them.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Hey,at the time of writing this, i don t know if your blog is still alive and going but i have to say that your cutting off the ex related posts saved me from doing something quite stupid and pontless. You re insightful and street wise and you spoke exactly the language i want to hear. I heart search engines!

    ReplyDelete
  70. My Name is John. I will love to share my testimony
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    as a result of this because i cant get myself
    anymore,my life was upside down and everything
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    do to have her back to all did not work out until i
    met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute
    some business have been developing some years
    back..I told him my problem and all have passed
    through in getting her back and how i lost my
    job…he told me he gonna help me…i don’t
    believe that in the first place. But he swore he will
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    girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden
    secrets. I was amazed when i heard that from
    him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will
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    Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly
    12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she
    had done...she said,she never knew what she’s
    doing and her sudden behavior was not
    intentional and she promised not to do that
    again. It was like am dreaming when i heard that
    from her and when we ended the call,i called the
    man and told him my girl friend called and he
    said i haven’t seen anything yet… he said i will
    also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its
    Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i
    should resume work on Monday and they gonna
    compensate me for the time limit i have spent at
    home without working..My life is back into shape,i
    have my girlfriend back and we are happily
    married now with a baby boy and i have my job
    back too.This man is really powerful..if we have
    up to 20 people like him in the world,the world
    would have been a better place..he has also
    helped many of my friends to solve many
    problems and they are all happy now..Am posting
    this to the forum for anybody that is interested in
    meeting the man for help. you can mail him
    ikhinspelltemple@gmail.com,or call +2348160379351, I cant
    Stop thanking him,thanks prophet.ikhin,you are
    the best.

    ReplyDelete

  71. I was in total despair when I found Dr. Todd. My life was going terrible and I didn't know if I was coming or going. I had just gone through a rough divorce, wasn't making enough money to sustain me and my children, and my 17 year old son had just gone to jail for the first time. When I talked to him, I immediately found a sense of peace. He was very honest with me and I could feel that. He also told me that everything would be okay. After my work began, things began to change. My bills were all caught up, the relationship I was in became much stronger, I was never FLAT broke, and my son was released from jail earlier than we expected!! I also completely got over the failed marriage and began to move on. And, received a better position at my job which will cause an $800 per month increase!! I felt completely comfortable with the work that was being done because I was always encouraged by Dr. Todd. manifestspellcast@gmail.com is the BEST!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  72. EFFECTIVE AND POWERFUL LOVE SPELL,LOTTERY SPELL,MONEY SPELL CASTER DR GBOJIE +2349066410185

    With joy in my heart I want to use this medium to tell the world about Lord gbojie who helped me in getting my lover back with his powerful spell, my ex and i was having misunderstanding which led to our breakup and i went to beg him several times to please forgive and accept me back because i know i offended him but each time i went i always feel more deeply in pain and agony because he always walk out on me and would not want to listen to what i have to tell but on a faithful day as i was browsing i came across a testimony of a woman whose problem was more than mine and yet Lord gbojie helped her with his powerful and effective spell so i was happy and also contacted Lord gbojie for help via email and then i told him my story but the only thing he said was that i will wipe you tear with my spell so lucky for me everything want well just as he promised and right now i have got my lover back and we are both living happily. there is nothing Lord gbojie can not do with his spell and just as promise my self i will keep testifying on the Internet of how Lord gbojie helped me. Are your problem greater that mine or less i give you 100% guarantee that Lord gbojie will put an end to it with his powerful spell, contact Lord gbojie for help you can reach him no his email : gbojiespiritualtemple@gmail.com or gbojiespiritualtemple@yahoo.com you can also call him or whatsapp +2349066410185 website : http://gbojiespiritualtemple.website2.me/

    ReplyDelete
  73. You observe a version of Western culture that is glamorized in mass-media content, and that leads many women into lifelong misery! Western culture is based on Biblical morality. For only 40 years of the 2,000 has it deviated much from that! Your views are of Western culture having sustained a massive assault, which has temporaily rendered immorality commonplace. But I don't think your response of contributing to the adoption of the minimum legal requirement as the moral ideal is actually going to help.

    ReplyDelete
  74. MY Name Hanna Rosin, form, (USA) After 12years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. I felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Osasu can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a Love spell for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to Dr Osasu . he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr. Osasu real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact
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    ReplyDelete
  75. I’m so excited because my broken marriage has been restored & my husband is back after he left me and our 2 kids for another woman. After 8 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that DR.Osasu can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to DR.Osasu . he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that DR.Osasu real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at:Account:
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  77. Thanks for the info, I will be looking forward to more info from you guys. I haven't did that before but a journey of a thousand miles begins with a step... Thanks once again.

    ReplyDelete
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  81. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances. I give God all the glory for bringing Lord Zakuza into my life for helping me get my wife back that got me divorced for one year. I was the last person on earth to accept the fact that spells exist or work not until I was referred to Lord Zakuza online to who has helped so many people with his powerful spells. I had no other option than to give it a try because 3 months after the divorce, I was demoted at my place of work due to depression for I don't know what to do to get her back but thank God today for using Lord Zakuza to get my happiness and love life back within 48 hours. Just last week here, I was promoted back to my position and I'm here to share my own experience with this man called Lord Zakuza. I don't know what you are going through today but know that in all situation there's always a way out. Contact him now for any help via SIGNAL MESSENGER / WHATSAPP on: +1 740-573-9483 and Email on: Lordzakuza7@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

  82. WHAT A MIRACLE...No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m writing  would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker)whom DR BALBOSA have helped in getting back her ex..she also told me that DR BALBOSA is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person and also like a father to her...My name is Meyers Brown and I am from the USA... My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, so i got in contact with DR BALBOSA. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me and this time my husband came back with so much love,It was one of the best things I have ever done i am the happiest woman on earth and I am filled with so much joy and happiness because my marriage is saved. we are now very much happy with ourselves. DR BALBOSA is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back in just 48 hours! It was a miracle. we’re doing very well in our love life...if you have a similar issue don't hesitate to contact him on his  Email on: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com And his Phone number and WhatsApp or call him: +2347048047728...GRATEFUL HEART

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  83. WHAT A MIRACLE...No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m writing  would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker)whom DR BALBOSA have helped in getting back her ex..she also told me that DR BALBOSA is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person and also like a father to her...My name is Meyers Brown and I am from the USA... My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, so i got in contact with DR BALBOSA. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me and this time my husband came back with so much love,It was one of the best things I have ever done i am the happiest woman on earth and I am filled with so much joy and happiness because my marriage is saved. we are now very much happy with ourselves. DR BALBOSA is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back in just 48 hours! It was a miracle. we’re doing very well in our love life...if you have a similar issue don't hesitate to contact him on his  Email on: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com And his Phone number and WhatsApp or call him: +2347048047728...GRATEFUL HEART

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