Texting Tip 3 - When Should You Reply?

Since I've already explained how you should reply to a man's texts, the obvious follow-up is to explain when to reply to a man's texts.

You've probably heard all kinds of suggestions from other girls about how long to wait before replying to a text from a guy you like. Some claim you should always wait 15 minutes, others insist on only replying to every other text, while others still dismiss "playing games" as ridiculous and advocate replying however you feel like in the moment. Ignore all of this advice. It will either make you come across as needy and too easy, or else cold and too distant.

In order to time your texts so that you convey your best self, you will need to be two things: genuine and realistic. Being genuine will prevent you from seeming uninterested or boring, while being realistic will prevent you from seeming desperate. Furthermore, your authenticity will show a man your true self, while your realism will keep in check your tendency to be too forthcoming. Let me elaborate...

Genuine. If you get a text from a guy that you like, and you genuinely have a free moment to reply, don't play games by artificially prolonging your response. This might be "successful" in the sense that it will occasionally keep a man on the hook for a time, but this is only because he wants to prove that you want him; it doesn't make him enjoy you any more. In addition, the whole "hard to get" charade is far too easy to overdo, and you risk making yourself appear uninterested - or worse, cold and boring. So when he texts, answer him naturally, genuinely, authentically. If you find yourself thinking "I don't feel like replying right now," or "I'll get to it later," then don't reply at all, or tell him (tactfully) that you don't want to pursue a relationship. You probably shouldn't have given him your number in the first place.  

Realistic. If you are really excited about the guy who is texting you, or if you are just excited to be getting any attention from a guy, you need to resist your temptation to indulge in communicating with him (anticipating his texts, reading them, replying, and anticipating the next one). This excitement seems like a small thing; but when you are dropping everything immediately upon receiving a text notification, or constantly checking your phone just to make sure you didn't miss the latest message from him, you start to realize how much you are allowing a merely potential relationship to monopolize your priorities. In these cases, you need a healthy dose of realism. Unless you are months into a serious relationship, there is no way that know whether or not things will work out with this guy; so it is ridiculous to interrupt what you are doing every time your phone goes off. When you do this, you are reacting to your imagination and wishful thinking, not to reality.

By embracing these two principles simultaneously, you will achieve the attitude that texting "rules" seek to emulate. Yeah, sure, maybe it will mean that you occasionally seem a little over-excited to get his text (because you happen to be checking your messages when his comes in), or a bit distant (because you were ignoring your phone while studying for ten hours, and his text came in right after you started); but you will only seem so in the short term. No single text you send will represent to him your attitude, so no single response time will matter completely. (Though if it does take you hours to reply, it is worth acknowledging this by giving a quick explanation; though an apology isn't usually warranted - if it had been urgent he should have called.)

A good way to strike this balance is to text the men you are dating in the same way that you regularly text your acquaintances  friends or family. Would you bring your phone into to the gym with you - even though you normally don't - in order to be available for a text that your female coworker might or might not send you? Then why are you doing it for the random (albiet hot) guy who got your number at the bar last night? Would you interrupt your studies for the big exam tomorrow to check a text that you suspect is from your mom, asking how your day was? Then why are you doing it for a guy who (for all you know so far) might be married or have incompatible politics? Would you delay your response for an additional 15 minutes, or occasionally not reply at all in a text conversation with your little brother? Then why do you feel the need to do it with your cute coworker who you really like and suspect might be into you? Treat these men like the mere friends or acquaintances that they are, until they become something more - at which point text games won't be necessary anyway.

A final note: if a guy seems to be playing games with you, artificially delaying his responses or skipping texts (yes, guys do this stuff too sometimes), I still suggest replying authentically and realistically. But after 4 or 5 late and unexplained texts, feel free to ignore him. He's either a player or not interested enough, and either way you do best to forget about him.


Related Posts
1. Other Texting Tips
2. Should You Give a Guy Your Last Name?
3. Living Vulnerably

Texting Tip 2 - How Should You Reply?

A reader recently asked

"...you said that a female should only be responding to a man's text. So, when responding, does she ask a question to keep the conversation rolling or just give an answer?"

This is a good question. In light of what I've written about not initiating contact, or cutting men off, I can see how a girl might think she should give only very short responses - or even ignore his texts sometimes, in order to see how hard he will persist to get a response.

However, if you extend that way of thinking to its logical conclusion, you end up with a situation in which you are essentially silent, and the man pursues you continually, with no feedback whatsoever. And of course, this would never happen, because after a couple weak responses, a man will simply accept the fact that he has been rejected and move on. This is not speculation; it happens to men all the time when they get phone numbers from girls who aren't all that interested in them. It's happened to me a few times. When a girl doesn't reply, the obvious conclusion is not "It's worth another shot because I really like her," it's "Fuck, well, she clearly isn't enthusiastic enough to continue talking... no sense trying again." Some guys will persist just because they figure they have nothing to lose, but a man who respects himself and has options won't try endlessly.

So there needs to be some kind of balance between not taking the initiative (which you shouldn't) and showing too little enthusiasm in your replies. I suggest you follow these rules:

1. Never initiate a text conversation
2. Always be enthusiastic in your responses
3. Give him an opportunity to continue the conversation any time he gives you one. 

In other words, follow his lead. If a man has taken the initiative, he has already demonstrated his interest, so there's no need to test him further (in that way, at least). He wants to engage you in conversation, so you need to give him positive feedback if you want the conversation to continue. Otherwise, he will read between the lines and give up. So be authentic; show your interest openly.

Take a look at the example in the picture, which is a text conversation I had a few days ago with a girl I met last Saturday night in Clarendon. She'd only been out in DC before, not in Clarendon (a DC suburb) hence the first text I sent the next day. Her text savvy is solid. Just to avoid any ambiguity, I've underlined in red the opportunities she provided for me to continue the conversation, and noted with "[No Question]" the one time when she did not offer such an opportunity. It probably wasn't a coincidence that she failed to do so right after I made a comment without giving her a lead (see rule #3, above).

Also notice her clear enthusiasm to be exchanging texts. She uses smiles and exclamation points liberally, and is fairly verbose in her replies. There are no single word answers, even when only a single word was strictly necessary. While you don't need to be be this enthusiastic to let a guy know you are interested, it is better to err on the side of more rather than less, especially when using such a bland communication medium (as opposed to talking on the phone or interacting in person).

I am not suggesting that you analyze each and every text a guy sends you, consider these rules, then calculate your responses. But I am suggesting that you use these rules to understand the general disposition that you should have towards a man who initiates a text conversation with you, and then use that disposition to guide your replies.


Related Posts
1. Don't Initiate Contact
2. Other Texting Tips
3. Should You Give a Guy Your Last Name?

Things to Avoid on Your Internet Dating Profile

I've spent some time recently trying online dating, and while I can't offer too many rules about what you should put on your profile, I see a lot of things that routinely cause me to cringe. Here is a list of ways to avoid them when you are creating or updating your profile (in no particular order):

1. Don't post pictures of yourself with hotter girls. This will only serve as a reminder to the guy checking you out that there is something better out there that he can't get. The crop function in your photo editor exists for a number of good reasons, and this is one of them. Yes, the rule applies to sisters and mothers too.

2. Don't only post pictures of yourself alone. This make you look like a loner, i.e. someone who other people have collectively decided is not worth hanging out with. Also avoid photos of yourself taken by yourself. These are even worse.

3. Don't start your profile with a list of things you don't want in guy. In fact, don't include that list anywhere. This is a universal sign of a bitch. If you even have the inclination to make such a list, consider revamping your personality. I have seen smoking hot girls that I would have loved to message until I read their "about me" section, at which point I realized they were high-maintenance, obnoxious and a waste of time.

4. Don't start describing yourself by saying how much you hate doing so, or how bad you are at it. So many girls do this. It sounds insecure and sets a bad tone. And don't be apologetic about your inability on top of pointing it out; this only adds to the effect.

5. Don't advertise how much you love your dog. Men all know (either consciously or subconsciously) that women in their twenties buy dogs as a substitute for male companionship. It makes you look lonely and needy. Post pictures with friends instead.

6. Don't post only modeling pictures, or only "artsy" ones. Any girl can look hot in a photo. Show us that you can look hot normally too.

7. Don't have a list of "Don't message me ifs" This invariably sounds like bragging about how many messages you get, and no one likes this kind of self-aggrandizement. It makes you look vain and high-maintenance. If you are hot, we already know you get hit on a lot and don't need your reminder; if you aren't, we know you are lying and it makes you look pathetic. So either way, don't do it.

8. Don't post pictures of yourself looking sad. There is nothing attractive about them. Nothing. You should be smiling in as many photos as possible. If you have a tendency towards depression or melancholy, he doesn't need to know about it yet.

9.  Don't post pictures that are too small or show you at a distance. You might as well post nothing.

10. Don't be too brief in your personal descriptions. Men need something to message you about. If you only write that your favorite things in the world are your mom, your dog and your iphone, he is going to be more or less forced to send you the shitty stereotypical "hey you're cute" message. And it's your own fault.

11. Don't post your favorite pictures of yourself. They are almost definitely not the most attractive pictures of you. Have a straight male friend help you choose them. At the very least, get input from straight men about which picture to set as your profile picture, since this is by far the most important one for attracting new guys.

12. Don't be afraid to show some skin (assuming, of course, that you have the body for it - but be liberal in making that decision). Men don't like whores but they don't like prudes either. Tasteful bathing suit shots are smart, not slutty, and will continue to be until men stop liking sex.

13. Don't fill your profile with cliches. The top-notch guys out there are looking for women who stand out. Beauty will never make you stand out because it is too common and too temporary. Online profiles are plagued with the same lists of likes and dislikes, the same list of favorite books, movies and activities. Every girl likes going out on some Friday nights and spending others at home with a movie and a glass of wine. Every girl loves her dog and her mom and her friends. Every girl wants an intelligent and attractive, confident man. Stop saying these things. Men assume they are all the case anyway. Say something interesting. Everyone is interesting in some way or another, but very few people have the ability to communicate it. Spend some time thinking about this before you start typing.

In general, this post on OKCupid's blog will be hugely helpful in learning what pictures to post: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/

Why Men Send Mass Messages on Internet Dating Sites

It is no news to most girls that have tried internet dating, that men often send out generic messages to large number of girls. I recently gave online dating a shot for a few months, and saw a lot of complaints about this in women's profiles. They would end their self-description with a sentence to the effect of "If you are just going to send me a generic message that is obviously being sent to multiple other girls as well, please do not expect a response! :)" I have also heard girls complain about this in person. While I understand how girls would be less than satisfied with receiving what is essentially junk mail, I also understand why men do it.

First, let me clear up what I think is a common misconception. Women tend to assume that men use mass messaging to get lots of women, in other words, that they are internet "players" and are simply using statistics to get laid. There is some truth to this. In fact I know at least one guy that sends out as many messages as possible for this reason. However, the majority of men do not start with this attitude, and a man's use of mass messaging is not a good indication that he has adopted it either.

Men send out mass messages for a very simple reason: women don't respond frequently to sincere, personalized messages. In fact they almost never respond. I would estimate that in the three months I spent internet dating, my rate of message return was less than 5 %. If you consider messaging to be successful only if it ends in a phone conversation or date, then knock that down to 0 %. And I was messaging a healthy portion of girls that I wouldn't normally consider approaching in person, only because I got no replies on the messages I sent out to girls that I would approach. (As a point of reference, I would say that I have about 60 % success with girls I approach in person; so my failure online surprised me - after all, internet dating was supposedly accessible to anyone, regardless of shyness, etc.) But while my lack of success just caused me to give up on internet dating entirely and focus my time and energy back on meeting girls in person, many men that are faced with this situation persist and simply change tactics: they write a single message, which is generic enough to apply to any girl, and send it to every girl that looks good in her pictures. If they get a response, then they read the girl's profile and decide whether or not to message her back.

Most men don't want to operate this way, but when you are spending all kinds of time reading profiles and writing a personalized messages, only to get a series of "viewed profile" notices and an empty inbox, it is time to give up or change your approach. Mass messaging might not be the right approach, but it happens for a legitimate reason.