Advice Roundup 2

Here is another round of questions and answers that have come through my inbox recently:

1 ----------------

Andrew,

I have a question for you. I read your blog, really value your opinion, and would so much appreciate your input.

Do men ever feel a sense of obligation to keep in touch with a girl? I have been seeing my older brothers best friend (age 28, i am 24) for a few months, and get the feeling he may now just be keeping in touch out of politeness, to avoid a situation with my brother - do guys do this?

Is it ever right to wait for a guy you really like, if he is moving slower than you want to? I feel as if the waiting for a relationship to form drives women absolutely crazy - is it right for the beginnings of relationships to feel like this?

Thank you in advance, very much.
Sandra

Sandra,

Probably he isn't doing it out of politeness. He probably likes you, and enjoys being in touch with you because he likes flirting with the idea of something happening between you, but he is probably too worried about the fact that he's friends with your brother to actually make a move. Or maybe he just wants to talk casually to decide if his attraction to you is enough to risk his friendship with your brother.

There is no reason (other than the strain on your patience...) why you can't continue talking to him, and seeing where things go. If this goes on for several months and you are talking regularly - say, a few times a week - but he isn't doing anything, you might bring it up by telling him that, while you are interested in dating, you understand the situation is complicated by your brother, but you also don't want to keep talking endlessly if he is never going to decide it's worth a shot. Of course, this is just a soft way of telling him to grow some balls and make a decision, and it's likely to bring the whole thing to an end, but if that is what happens, you'd be fooling yourself in believing that the "whole thing" would ever have worked out anyway.

Good luck,
Andrew

2 ----------------

Hi Andrew, your blog is awesome!

My question is, would a man ever want a non-sexual friendship with a woman just to get emotional support? I had a sexual relationship with this guy for six months last year. We met through a community project. We ended it mutually... We wanted to try to keep our friendship intact because we will continue to have community interaction, and we care about each other.

We have both tried hard to keep the friendship. He is a natural alpha guy, man of few words, but has always made the effort to text me and call and we've stayed in pretty close contact like this for months. He has taken some big personal hits over the last couple years and I give him a lot of support and praise (not that he'd ever ask) which I think he likes and maybe even needs. The problem? I feel like he avoids seeing me in public. We have mutual friends and opportunities to be out together and socialize, and he doesn't pursue it. It feels weird to me to have just a phone relationship. It's always drummed in girls' heads that guys never want to be friends with women. Is it possible this is just an ego feed for him and he doesn't actually want to be friends? Despite all the texts and calls it's hard not to take it personally that he never wants to get together face to face in a platonic setting... which is what I do with all my other friends.

Thanks for your help!
Majda

Majda,

His willingness to stay in touch is definitely motivated in part by the fact that he enjoys the personal chemistry between you and the conversations, etc. - but for sure there is an element of ego there too. He likes knowing you like him. Incidentally, this means that he must have some level of sexual attraction to you also (otherwise his ego wouldn't value your attraction to him); but his unwillingness to take it any further is a much stronger indication that the level of attraction isn't high enough to get back together. I'd tell him you are interested in getting back together, but you realize that he isn't on the same page, and that because you see things differently, you think it's better not to talk. Then cut him off.

Good luck,
Andrew

3 ----------------

Hi Andrew,

I have a very quick wit and use natural puns, double meanings, subtle references in conversation--people laugh a lot around me. I've cut my playful, though sarcastic, banter but kept wondering this: Do masculine guys like girls with great situational humor or not? Do I "lose points?" I am otherwise extremely feminine. Still stepping on Mr. Alpha's toes?

Thanks!
Rebecca

Rebecca,

I realize I am reading between the lines a lot here, but I have a hunch that your sense of humor is a way you've subconsciously attempted to make yourself stand out to men, i.e. to make them notice you. And if I am right about that, it isn't your success (or even failure) at being funny that is turning men off, it's the fact that men can recognize your discomfort with who you are shining through your attempts at being funny. I think you've made the right move by scaling back your wit a little bit, since I suspect you were using humor as a crutch for garnering male attention. As you probably have realized, good and bad attention are sometimes difficult to distinguish, and the desire to be recognized can very easily blur the lines between the two. I suggest recognizing that (a) you don't need to be the most beautiful girl in the world to find a man that you love and who loves you back, (b) being comfortable with who you are is way more attractive than humor - in fact it rivals physical beauty for the most attractive female quality, and (c) just because there are other girls who are prettier doesn't mean that you can't be noticed for your looks too.

Good Luck,
Andrew

4 ----------------

Hi Andrew,

In your blog, you say that a woman should never tell a man when she will sleep with him. However, you also advise women who want a high-quality boyfriend not sleep with a man until he has demonstrated commitment. In most cases, demonstrating commitment = agreeing to date exclusively.

These two bits of advice seem to contradict each other. For example, let's say you like a guy, you've been dating for a while, and you haven't had sex yet. You want to let him know that you are willing to have sex eventually (so that he doesn't give up in despair), but only after you're exclusive. But if you say "I want to be exclusive before sex," you're essentially saying, "I'll have sex with you when we're exclusive." So by communicating that exclusivity is necessary before sex, you're breaking the rule about never telling a man when you'll sleep with him.

What's the best way to manage this situation?

Thanks!!

Ana

Ana,

You are right in the sense that saying "I want to be exclusive before sex" implies that you'll sleep with him once he commits. But I don't recommend phrasing it that way, mainly because I don't recommend thinking about it that way.

The implication of such a statement is not only that you'll sleep with him once he commits, but that you have essentially already decided that you want commitment from him. But if you are in doubt about his willingness to commit - to the point that you are turning him down for sex - then you shouldn't be sure yet about what you want from him. This isn't because you should play hard to get; it is because, if you are self-confident and have a non-needy approach to dating, you shouldn't want commitment from anyone who doesn't like you enough to commit to you. Everything else about a guy might be great, but unless he desires you enough to be exclusive (and demonstrates that by pushing for exclusivity), one of the most important pieces of the puzzle is completely missing.

Instead, I suggest saying "I am not ready for that yet," or better yet, "I only sleep with my boyfriends." This frames the whole interaction in a healthier mindset, because there is no implication that you'll say "yes" if he asks you be to exclusive with him. There is therefore also no implication that you will sleep with him, let alone when.

Hope that helps,
Andrew

5 ----------------

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for the great blog!

I am 32, female and single. I have an illness which does not have any effect on my daily life, but I don't have enough eggs and no periods without pills. Despite this I have 5-10 % to fall pregnant spontaneously, but doctors can't improve this percentage. I do want kids but I am also happy to adopt. My question is, when and how should I tell a guy? I am worried to death that a guy will be disgusted by my infertility.

Thanks a lot!
Anika

Anika,

You shouldn't tell a guy about your low fertility until you are sure that marriage is something he is considering. On the surface, that might seem like a long time to wait; but the flip side of that advice is that (assuming that marriage is what you want from dating) you shouldn't continue dating a guy more than 6 months without knowing that marriage is something he is at least starting to think about. If at 6 months you know that the guy isn't even asking himself whether or not you could be his wife someday, then he isn't on the same page as you, and you shouldn't continue dating him. If you are uncertain about whether or not he is considering it, then you should bring up the subject yourself sometime before 6 months. This isn't "pressuring" a guy; it's making sure that you are only dating men who have the same goals as you, and are on the same timeline. Yes that means that you won't be able to date a lot of men, but that's just part of the dating landscape for women interested in marriage.

So the short answer to your question is 6 months at the latest, and as soon as you know he is taking you seriously at the earliest. I am saying this not because I think you have some kind of moral obligation to tell him, but because you don't want to spend too much time with a guy for whom your fertility will be a deal-breaker. But of course, you also don't want a guy to write you off before they have a chance to really appreciate you.

Good luck,
Andrew

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If you want to ask me for advice, please follow the guidelines here: How to Ask Me for Advice And if you liked this post, let me know in the comments; I have about 200 more e-mails I need to answer, so I should have plenty of material for additional posts like this.

Advice Roundup 1

I spent the last month without a computer, so I am way behind on posting and e-mails. In an effort to get back on track with both simultaneously, and because I haven't posted any reader Q&A in a while, the following are 5 that I thought might be of general interest - either because they are unique, or recurring, or not covered elsewhere on the blog.

1 ----------------

Hi Andrew....

My ex broke up with me he claims its because I have tattoos and different kids father but he has tattoos and 2 different kids mom.

In the beginning of the dating I asked if he mind if I have tattoos and he replied,  "So do I, why would I mind?" Two months into the relationship he says that at the rate our relationship is moving he had to step back and think about every thing and me having tattoos and kids by different men (my ex husband and another guy) he could no longer be with me. He said he really enjoyed me and was having a blast but couldn't get past those two factors.

We became a couple fast. He said he had never ask a girl to be his girlfriend as fast as he asked me. Could the fact that it was going too good for him scared him away? I never pressed the issue of us being together... It was all him. Your thoughts please

Thank you,
Janette

Janette,

The tattoos and even your kids are excuses to avoid telling you what he really dislikes about you - which he might not actually know definitively for himself. But if things were really going as well as they were in the beginning, he would still be able to look past those things. He is losing interest, and now he is latching onto the obvious "problems" - as I said, either because he wants to avoid telling you the truth, or because he just has a gut feeling that something is wrong but he can't pinpoint what it is. The tattoos and kids from other men are just easy scapegoats.

Keep in mind that the beginning of any relationship is always colored in a man's mind by the prospect (and if you sleep with him, the actuality) of sex with a new woman. He was able to look past the things about you that he dislikes - not just the tattoos and children - because he was partially distracted by the novelty. Now that the novelty has started to dissipate, he is looking at you and the relationship more critically. In the future, you need to treat with a heavy dose of skepticism anything a man says to you during the first, say, three months of being together.

And come on, you know as well as I do that no guy (or girl) has ever genuinely been scared away by something being "too good."

Good luck,
Andrew

2 ----------------

Dear Andrew!

I have a friend who was interested and liked me and thought I am beautiful, however, did not tell me directly recently, so, I was not 100% sure, if he still has feelings for me. Important point: he has never been in a relationship (we both are pretty inexperienced due to cultural things, and priorities for studies, etc.)
Recently, he asked me for a favor, I helped, he responded "thank you, you're the best!)", then i joked, and then he: "not only, in general you're the best",

My intuition is telling me, that this reply is a typical "friend-zoning" answer, do you think so? I helped him twice, when he asked me, probably I shouldn't have done that. However, I never called first, tried to show limited interest towards him, only responded when asked, never stalked him on facebook, since I liked him. Now I learnt that bitter lesson, that I even shouldn't have helped him eagerly... since men need to be ignored totally to like you (sorry).

Thanks,
Zeneb

Zeneb,

"My intuition is telling me, that this reply is a typical ‘friend-zoning’ answer, do you think so?"
No, a guy could say that in an attempt to hint at the fact that he really likes you.

The interesting part of your question is the second part. You didn't make a mistake in helping him. A lot of girls mistakenly believe that they need to be cold and distant to attract a guy. But you don't need to be cold; you just need to maintain your personal boundaries. So, for example, if he'd asked you to help him at a time when you already had plans to do something else, it wouldn't be smart to change those plans just to spend time with him (i.e. a guy who hasn't proved his genuine interest in you yet). But if you were free to help, you definitely should have helped him. It's a perfectly natural thing to do, and it provides an opportunity to get to know you better and ask you out. If you are constantly avoiding those opportunities, he will get the impression that asking you out will surely end in rejection, and he won’t even try.

Good Luck,
Andrew

3 ----------------

Andrew,

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. He's 29 years old, I am 25. We started dating when I was 17.

We fight a lot. However, we often speak about marriage and imagine a future together. He broke up with me a week ago and told me he can't trust me and can't be with someone who he will always doubt because of an incident that happened 6 years ago. I went to hang out with friends (guys and girls) from work and didn't want to answer his phone calls [mainly because] I felt like I couldn't do anything on my own. Even hang out with my friends because I felt like he was checking up on me.

I don't give him reasons to doubt me. Instead, he's the one who does that. For almost 2 years, he's been clubbing. When we first started dating, he NEVER did this and I don't know if that is the reason why he does this now. He goes out behind my back and I always find out because of Facebook or Instagram. He has girls who will leave comments on Facebook. I've seen pictures of him with girls (side hugging) and I get very jealous. I act like a crazy girlfriend. I feel the need to always be checking on things to find out what he's doing.

I know our relationship is not healthy and I'm sure you've read the "but I love him" sentence before. Yes, I know that is not enough BUT it's hard not to try and make things work after 7 years of a relationship. I don't know what to do. We were fine and suddenly he comes out with this. I'm heartbroken.

Thank you,
Cara

Cara,

There isn't an easy way to tell you this, but I am also sure that you know it already: your ex was just looking for an excuse to end the relationship. There are two ways I know this: first, the fact that he is citing an incident from years ago rather than something recent (i.e. relevant), but secondly - and this is the interesting part of your question - the clubbing.

Clubbing is inherently sexual in nature. Your ex might not be sleeping with the girls that he meets in clubs, but by indulging in the nightclub atmosphere, he is indulging in sex by proximity - he is getting "close" to sex. And of course it is possible that he is sleeping with the girls he meets; it might not just be proximate. Either way, his going to clubs is a clear sign that he doesn't feel sexually fulfilled in the relationship. That doesn't surprise me, because men crave sexual variety, and he's spent the vast majority of his 20s committed to you, while the social norm for a guy that age is to be having sex with lots of girls. He's probably been feeling that "deficit" for a while now - at least since he started going out, but probably before.

You are right that the relationship isn't healthy, and I understand that you feel like you are throwing away seven years by letting him go. But it should help to realize that the relationship has been dead for at least two of those years already. This will also help you to frame the situation (rightly) as letting go of something that's already dead, rather than (wrongly) thinking of it as holding on to something that still might have some life. It doesn't.

Good luck,
Andrew

4 ----------------

Hi Andrew

I am 27 years old. How can women best go about putting herself out there and go out to places like bars, cafes, events to potentially meet guys, when she has no single girl friends to be her wing women?
I have many friends, however, no single girlfriends. My girlfriends rarely go out these days, and when they do, they always have to go early like 8-9pm.

Kindest Regards.
Anne

Anne,

You aren't asking the right question. You shouldn't be asking how to meet guys on your own, you should be asking how to make more girl friends. If you were 40 and living in a small town, maybe I would understand, since a lot of the women your age would be married; but at 27, this really shouldn't be a problem.

Either your life situation isn't set up in such a way that allows you to meet other girls, or else you are closing yourself off to new female relationships. If the former, then move, or change jobs, or do whatever you need to change your life situation. If the latter, start making real efforts to open up to other women more. If a girl can't even relate to her own sex easily, she can't expect to be successful interacting with the opposite sex.

Incidentally, I think you'll find that as you make more girlfriends and expand your social circle, you will meet their guy acquaintances and might not even need the bar scene.

Good Luck,
Andrew

5 ----------------

Andrew,

I have a simple question and it is one you have not answered before on your blog. Why would a guy ask for your phone number and then not call?

Thanks,
Jamie

Jamie,

Men do this to prove to themselves that they can get your phone number. In other words, they do it out of pride. This might be a shitty thing to do, but recognize that it is ultimately rooted in insecurity or narcissism: either he has a low enough opinion of himself that he needs the reminder that girls like him, or else he is so obsessed with the fact that women like him, that he cannot resist reminding himself of it. Either way, you should be glad that the guy didn't call you.

On rare occasions, a guy might have recently met another girl that he likes more than you, and be focusing on her instead.

Hope that helps,
Andrew

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If you want to ask me for advice, please follow the guidelines here: How to Ask Me for Advice And if you liked this post, let me know in the comments; I have about 200 more e-mails I need to answer, so I should have plenty of material for additional posts like this one.

Yeah, That's About Right

Hi Andrew,

I would like to start this email with a sincere compliment about how much I have enjoyed your blog over the past few months since I discovered it. You have given me so much food for thought, whether I agree with you or not, and challenge my opinions and perceptions of the male-female dynamic. I am thankful that you take the time to write this blog.  : )

I have a suggestion for one of your blog posts. I very frequently find that women are quite obtuse when it comes to knowing when a man is hitting on her. When I was younger, my father once said, "Nicole, if a man you don't know is talking to you for any reason, he is hitting on you."

When I share this piece of information with my females friends, they scoff. "NO! That's not true! What if he needed directions? Or help picking out a ripe cantaloupe at the market? Or the best bus to take to get downtown the fastest?" The list goes on and on. On the flip side, when I share my dad's advice with another guy and ask his opinion of it, their response is almost always, "Yeah, that's about right."

The reason I bring this up is because I think there are many women out there that may not be able to recognize when a man is hitting on them or trying to pick them up. Perhaps if women were more attuned to when they were being hit on, their success of flirting and engaging with men would be greater. If you agree, I have a feeling that a post about this would be very helpful to your female readers.

Thanks so much and keep up the good work!

Much love,
Nicole
____________________________________________

Nicole,

Yeah, that's about right.

Andrew


Related Posts
1. Misconceptions
2. "The Wong Kind of Attention"
3. Why Women Don't Know What Men Want
4. Why You Don't Get Approached by Men

When Your Ex Contacts You...

Hello there Andrew,

I reached out to you about three months ago regarding a man that had recently left me after three years. Well you will be happy to know that I have been dating and self-improving like its my job ;). Your keen advice had a major impact on the manner in which I handled the rejection.

So, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text message last week. It was one of those "Hey, thinking about you, just want to say Hi, how are you?" kind of text messages. Not wanting to sound bitter or unhappy, I gave him a three-word reply. He asked another question and I again gave him a very short reply. He stopped texting after that brief interaction.

Part of me is wondering if that was his attempt to hang out with me again and if he was testing the waters with a text message?

I gave him very uninterested answers which he caught onto quickly. Odds are he will not be trying to contact me anymore but I would really like to see him so that I can show-off a little bit. If my motives are not wanting to get back together but reminding him what he gave up, am I exempt from the "cutting him off rule"? Can I contact him in a few weeks to meet up somewhere casual?

Thank you for reading this!! ;)

Brooke
______________________________________________

Brooke,

Wow. This is the perfect example of how you are supposed to handle a man who contacts you after he breaks up with you. So many women would have gotten back in touch with him before he popped up again, or responded to his text with much more than three words. But you played it perfectly - I am impressed.

By the way, wasn't it so much sweeter getting that text after three months of silence than it would have been if you'd been in contact all along? There is absolutely no ambiguity about the fact that he contacted you for the sole reason that he was thinking about you, wondering how you were, and maybe even questioning whether or not he made the right decision in ending the relationship. The clarity of that fact is beautiful.

Now, in terms of showing him what he's missing, I'd be careful about asking him to hang out with you. True, you might sit there and tell him that everything is going fine (i.e. without him) - and it might even be true, as it is in your case. But he could easily misinterpret the fact that you wanted to spend time with him after only three months. After six months or a year, your desire to meet him would be more obviously a case of platonic curiosity about what he's been up to since you last talked. But after only three months, the fact that you made time to see him might outweigh the indifference you demonstrate in a face-to-face setting. So I suggest sidelining that idea for a few months (though I'm willing to bet that by then you won't care what he thinks; you'll probably just be genuinely curious to see what he's been doing).

The more important point, however, is that your silence already speaks volumes - especially because you never once broke it. Your replies, and in particular their brief and unmoved, matter-of-fact tone also communicated to him how much you've moved on. If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him (which would have been a fine way to handle the situation if this had been the case). And if you'd replied with more enthusiasm or tried to engage him in conversation, he would have assumed that you were still in love with him and trying to get him back. In either case, his ego would have swelled, even in spite of any feelings of sympathy or guilt he had. But your brief replies were at once so casual and indifferent that you can be sure his ego was kept in check, probably even deflated. Moreover, he was acutely reminded of his decision to walk away from a confident woman who respects herself and now has a promising future.

As I said, I am impressed. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Good luck,
Andrew
______________________________________________

Update: I had another e-mail from Brooke shortly after the one above, telling me that her ex contacted her again the next day, this time on Facebook, and said "ugh, just read through our log of messages, it takes me back. miss you [pet name]. hope you are well, I miss you a lot! im sure you dont want to hear that but its true..." She did not indicate whether or not she would reply, but it was clear that she viewed this - rightly - as a personal victory (not a victory over him) rather than an opportunity to get back together with him.

Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup. In fact, this post has been improved and significantly expanded as one of the chapters, and I explain some important attitudes to foster when you engage him. Most importantly, I give examples of what you can say to him, tailored for various situations.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Cut Him Off

How to Deal With His Wandering Eyes

Below is a question I recently received from a reader, followed by my response to her. I will be posting questions and answers like this more frequently now, as requested by many of you in the recent reader survey. Posts of this nature will be tagged as "reader question."
_____________________________________________

Andrew,

I'd greatly appreciate any insight you would share about my question:

How do I respond when the guy I am with is flirting and/or staring at other women when we are in situations such as dinner with just the two of us in a restaurant? I see it as a red flag and dismiss the potential for a relationship with men who do this at any relationship stage, and try to accept that they are just not interested enough in me by displaying such disrespect. How do I conduct myself with dignity when this happens? In such situations, I never confronted them about it, I just stopped looking at them, tried to get the meal to end rapidly, and distanced myself by pretty much ignoring them afterwards. Please let me know what I can specifically say or do to address the disrespect I feel when placed in that situation, to potentially give the relationship a chance, depending on how the man conducts himself afterwards. Thank you so much.

Thank you again and have a good day,

Cassidy

_____________________________________________ 

Cassidy,

There are a few things to consider when it comes to your man and other women:

• First, recognize that men are always going to be attracted to other women and will look at them, whether or not you see them doing it. The real problem (in most instances) is not his sexual interest in other women, but his lack of discretion and his carelessness about your feelings or reputation.
• Realize that your leverage over the situation depends on how serious your relationship with the guy is. If it is just a date with someone new, there is nothing you can or should do about it other than suffer through it and let it influence your decision to accept or reject him the next time he asks you out. If he is a boyfriend or spouse, however, you have the right to demand that he stops (see below).
• Realize that you have a right to a man's attention when he has chosen to be with you. He shouldn't be letting his eyes wander or flirt with other girls when he is with you. If it happens occasionally, by accident, fine; but if he isn't attracted to you enough to keep his eyes in one place, he should break up with you. He is a coward if he does not.
• Very few men look at other women without any regard for the girl they are with. Usually, this is what happens: an incredibly attractive women walks by, and the guy you are with slips up. Despite his efforts to resist, he looks, taking the risk that you might see him. Although I don't think women can completely understand the temptation of visual stimuli for men, his temptation to look is similar to your temptation to bend the rules on your diet once in a while - it is hard to resist. 
• Flirting takes greater intention, is much easier for a man to resist, and should therefore be treated with greater severity.

Now, to answer your question directly: in response to occasional glances, react the way the man's date in this video does (at 0:26 and 0:48):

In other words, maintain an attitude of "Men will be men, but I have boundaries and I would appreciate it if you could look this way please..." The key is to remain calm in these situations, but also to make sure that he knows you don't approve.

Now, if a guy isn't just making an occasional slip-up, but is simply letting his eyes wander everywhere all the time, or flirting with women openly in your presence, you will need a commensurately stronger approach. This is how you should deal with it:

1. Your first move should be to point it out to him: "You realize that I see you checking out all these girls right? Do you know how that makes me feel?" This should be a rhetorical question, but if he answers "no," tell him honestly how you feel.
2. If that doesn't stop him (which it probably won't, but at least he will be primed for this next step), you should make a demand: "Look, [his name], it makes me look bad when you are checking out every girl that walks by, and it doesn't do anything for my self-esteem either. You need to stop." Again, I am assuming you are in a relationship with the guy in question here, which gives you the leverage to make a demand like this.
3. That might have an effect. If it continues further, tell him the same thing again, but add "...if you don't like me enough to keep your eyes off other women, at least have the balls to break up with me and go chase them like a real man. Don't just stare at them from the safety of a relationship that you clearly don't want." That should get his attention. 
4. If at that point he still doesn't stop, break up with him. End of story. You don't deserve a man who constantly reminds you of your inadequacies, or, more importantly, one who disregards your feelings when you openly tell him they are being hurt.

Hope that helps,

Andrew

Related Posts

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2. Men And Sexual Variety

3. Men Don't Have Commitment Problems

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