Friday, December 28, 2012

Fifteen Red Flags in The Dating World

While none of the items on this list should be considered conclusive on their own, they all point in varying degrees towards "player" or "he doesn't like you enough," and should be recognized as red flags. Watch out for them.

You can be sure that he isn't interested enough, or that he is just trying to have sex with you, if three or more of the following are true:

1. He only invites you to go out with him to bars/clubs, or other places that involve drinking. If he liked you for more than sexual reasons, he would ask you to hang out with him in a normal environment that gives you an opportunity to get to know each other.

2. He contacts you sporadically, and often goes silent for days on end. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he will crave interaction with you. As long as you are giving him positive feedback when he contacts you, he will maintain or even escalate the amount of contact. A few guys know a little about "game" so his sporadic texts could actually be a poor attempt at attracting you; but men that use "game" tactics heavily are probably just trying to bang you anyway - so your conclusion will be the same regardless.

3. He is overly protective of his cell phone. For example, if you are looking at a photo, he will get up to stand over your shoulder to make sure you aren't looking through his photo gallery; or he will never let you hold his phone. Unless he has something to hide, there should be nothing wrong whatsoever with you looking through his photos or even his texts. Although you should never look through his phone when he isn't around, it wouldn't be a bad idea to see how he reacts if you try this in his presence (assuming you have reason to be suspicious).

4. He only contacts you by text or online chat. These forms of communication are low-investment because they don't require his devoted attention, leaving him free to do other things - including communicating with other girls. If you have what seem to be deep conversations but they only occur (for example) when he is chatting with you online while he is at the office, you should start to ask yourself questions and keep an eye open for other items on this list.

5. He frequently tries to escalate the relationship sexually, while making little or no efforts to get to know you personally. Guys who are interested in you as a person are probably just as horny as guys who have no desire to spend time with you outside the bedroom. But the guy who is also interested in your personality will curtail his sexual desire in order to avoid giving you the wrong impression.

6. He informs you where he is going, but doesn't invite you. For example, on a Friday night he might text you something like "I am headed to [bar name]" without explicitly inviting you, because his goal is to get you to come to him. This is his filter: if you aren't interested enough to come to him (and therefore more likely to get drunk with him and have sex), he will be free to try his chances with other slutty women.

7. He has never seemed nervous or uncertain around you, even at the beginning when he first approached you. Men who are really interested in a woman for more than her body will be careful about what they say and do around her. They might not be visibly nervous, but neither will they be ostentatious nor cocky.

8. He makes open-ended and non-committal plans with you, like "Let's hang out soon." or "We should get together sometime." Men who want to spend time with you will either have something in mind, or come up with a plan, even if it sucks: "Let's go see the new Disney movie - are you free Thursday night?"

9. He avoids going out to bars and clubs with you because he wants to hit on other girls. Excuses about "guys' night out" or "bro's before ho's" are likely just that - excuses.

10. He goes out to bars and clubs a lot. This is almost self-explanatory. Alcohol is the greatest facilitator of easy sex, and bars and nightclubs - although good places to meet men if you use them correctly - are also the only venues other than brothels that facilitate casual sex.

11. He won't spend his Friday or Saturday nights with you. I can't count the number of times I've avoided dates on weekend nights. Men do this because they want to go out to meet new girls, and Friday and Saturday nights are prime time. For a player, the prospect of something better always looms on the horizon. He is sexually ambitious.

12. He never goes out of his way to hang out with you. For example, he wants to hang out until he finds out that you live far away and then he loses interest or asks you to come to him. Or maybe he wants to watch a routine sports game on the only night you have free, so you have to push the date a week. If (what should be) minor impediments stop him from seeing you, you should be concerned.

13. He tells you that he isn't looking for a relationship. Believe him. It amazes me how many of the women who write to me for advice ignore such a blatant comment.

14. He makes plans with you at the last minute. He does this because he is keeping his options open, waiting for something better or more fun with a hotter girl. Maybe he texts you at 7 pm on Friday "Hey what are you up to tonight?" While rules about making him set up a date three days in advanced are quickly growing antiquated as the pace of life increases, the principle that he should like you enough to plan ahead still holds.

15. He doesn't explain any of the above. It is reasonable to think that some of the things above could happen occasionally for reasons other than his attempts to get other women, or his lack of interest in you. But if this is the case, he will make an effort to explain his behavior in order to maintain his reputation in your eyes.


Related Posts
1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
2. Men That Like You Will Explain Themselves
3. How to Deal with Men Who Have Bad "Game"

78 comments:

  1. I think what you are trying to say here is very true.
    But, according to your post, 90% of men that I have dated are "red flags". If I stop to date these "red flags", then there is no one left to date! It is going to be many Fridays and Saturdays that I will be sitting at home all alone :)...

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    1. Home alone?? Go out with your girlfriends.

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    2. What if ALL of your girlfriends are married and/or have Long term boyfriends? Who do you go out with then? Especially if you are over 30!

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    3. If all of your friends are married, you will be concentrating on that as your goal. Totally normal. There are other websites with dating and lifestyle advice for people over thirty that might be more conducive to your situation. This site is great to frequent for advice, but is targeted for twenty somethings, it seems to be heavy on dating get-your-foot in the door "game & attraction" tactics, etc...for young people who have lots of options & are without serious or heavy responsibilities.

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    4. ,.... being single in a world of couples is - a serious and heavy responsibility.

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    5. Go out and make new friends. Better to be happily single than stuck with a guy who doesn't really care about you.

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    6. Make new girlfriends, who are not married. Simple solution, and plenty of avenues available to you to achieve that.

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    7. Hello, I'm 29/male/Seattle, I agree with all of them except 2, 4, 8. There's nothing wrong with contacting a girl via text message/facebook message, it's light and not awkward. I think number 8 is fine as along as he makes plans out of it, but I don't think it's a red flag. All the others I think are red flags.

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    8. Sander G you're 23 so I don't expect you to know better. If a man is truly interested in a woman he will invest time and pick up a phone and call. I'm so tired of men making excuses to text calling it "keeping it light".

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    9. I would be inclined to agree with you Midnight, but one has to remember that the dating game has changed, especially for young people, due to the preponderance of technology. My parents are more old-fashioned and brought me up in a traditional dating culture (Asia) where I make the plans, call instead of texting, and make everything very clear cut. However when I moved to the Bay Area from Asia, I noticed that doing this tended to scare young women off, causing them to ghost/flake on me. They would say talking on the phone made them nervous or they were too "busy" to talk, even though they would happily text for hours on end. That is simply the sort of communication that young Westerners are used to, at least until the relationship becomes more serious. I've even noticed this among platonic friends too - they never pick up the phone, even though it would be more efficient than texting by far. I'm 22, by the way. Hopefully when I am 30 people will mature, but I'm sure by the time I'm 30 we'll have nano phones in our brains and the point will be moot :P.

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    10. Read these two books. .power of the pussy and why men marry bitches...Two of the BEST books on men, dating and relationships. .check out on amazon. .just wish I had read them a long time ago!

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    11. Men and women are just different in how they think and how they convey their feelings. Women are emotional and men sexual. Women need to keep the sex out of it until they know if HE is the one that deserves your gift. ..you...men love the chase. It's inherent. They don't connect emotionally as easy as women do. Girls keep to the 2 month rule!! You are the gift so make him work for it first.

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  2. Thank you for this. :)

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  3. Damn you, Rules guy, for spilling the dark secrets of charismatic gentlemen with options. While you haven't completely nailed me here, about 12 of your 15 points apply to me as I juggle multiple women, or "spin plates."

    But, I do want to settle down with an attractive, intelligent young woman. I WILL hang up my spurs and stop spinning plates for a good woman. You modern, liberated American women aren't making that easy. In fact, I wouldn't be spinning plates if it weren't for what you put me through as a young man. If I am a monster, you collectively had a big hand in creating me. It was either learn to be a player, or retreat into video games--yeah, right. The choice was obvious, and really, once I got going, it's been a blast, and the women I date obviously enjoy the hell out of my flourishing, ebullient masculinity. So.. red flags you want? I got'em! Drinks--you're buying them!!

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    Replies
    1. Kind of curious which ones didn't apply... I feel like if you'd do 12 you'd do all 15, no?

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    2. As I was reading this, it also occurred to me that Andrew effectively listed fifteen things that WORK, quite handily.

      You should re-title this post 'Fifteen Things You're Going To Rationalize Away, But Shouldn't'.

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    3. Andrew,

      Things that don't apply to me:
      4. Text/E-chat only: I am a bit old-school and enjoy/employ phone conversations. It's much better for creating deep connection.

      10. Lots of time in bars. Nope, I'm a "day game" kind of guy. I've met most of my last few girlfriends at coffee shops, bookstores, and at various classes. I do go to bars WITH women, not TO MEET women there.

      11.Won't go to bars with a girl. Again, I meet women more effectively during the day, so I have no problem taking a girl out for drinks/dancing on the weekend.

      14. Last minute plans--not for me, usually. I tend to plan at least a few days out, and often weeks out, because I tend to date hot, socially active women who, like me, tend to "book out" several weeks in advance. I love the spontaneous thing and do it when circumstances allow, but I'm a planner, in general.

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  4. It is to laugh. I was once the "nice guy" who did the polar opposite of all of these things. Now I practice them all, quite deliberately, even though most are the opposite of my instincts. Why? The results speak for themselves. When you grrls decided to discard the nice guys, the nice guys payed attention and changed our ways. Your loss.

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    1. But all you're ending up with is lots of women who lack confidence and who do not understand men well.

      If you're looking to find a good strong intelligent woman (I understand you aren't necessarily looking for that), not one single one of them will date you for long if you exhibit large portions of this list.

      So if you're looking to find someone, you're shooting yourself in the foot with this behaviour and simply attracting the wrong sort of women.

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  5. Number 6 is hit and miss. Independence is important to me.

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  6. In other words, if a guy doesn't put his heart completely in your hands after feminism has removed from you all semblance of sensitivity towards men, and the feminised State has armed you to the hilt with all manner of weaponry to use against him on the merest of whims, you should have nothing to do with him.

    And this helps women in what way, exactly?

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  7. I feel as though there are a lot of 'negative' posts. Although they are helpful to spot players, it would be nice with some positive ones. Like "15 signs he is genuinely interested". I see a man's actions negatively anyway, I'd like to see which signs should make me take him seriously.

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    Replies
    1. Anonmous 3 here, I third that!

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    2. It is simple: take all the points and spin them the other way around. For example, #1 - He invites you to places other than bars and clubs. #2 - He contacts you consistently. #3 - He doesn't hide things from you. #4 - He calls you (i.e. he takes time to talk to you only, one-on-one), etc.

      I could write a post but that is exactly what it would look like.

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  8. Also, Andrew, I really have to commend you for your continued efforts here. The amount of hamsterbating and Strong, Independent Bitching you put up with would have muted a lesser man long ago.

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    1. I agree very much Vicomte I take a lot of guidance. Keep it up Andrew j x

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  9. "But, I do want to settle down with an attractive, intelligent young woman. I WILL hang up my spurs and stop spinning plates for a good woman. You modern, liberated American women aren't making that easy. In fact, I wouldn't be spinning plates if it weren't for what you put me through as a young man. If I am a monster, you collectively had a big hand in creating me. It was either learn to be a player, or retreat into video games--yeah, right. The choice was obvious, and really, once I got going, it's been a blast, and the women I date obviously enjoy the hell out of my flourishing, ebullient masculinity. So.. red flags you want? I got'em! Drinks--you're buying them!!"

    Same here. I will be glad to commit to a good & respectful woman.
    Problem is that it's not possible to find her without game!

    I am little above average looking, have good job and high IQ and you know what? It does not count :-)

    So I had choice:
    1) buying drinks hoping that The One will find me while we are still young (well, while she is young). Meanwhile jack off to porn
    2) wait and marry 30+ years washed up slut - not an option really
    3) enlist to PUA training and push for it. Try to look for one, meanwhile score any pussy I can

    Guess which one I selected?

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    Replies
    1. It's evidently OK for a man to score "any" (gross) pussy he can yet a woman over 30 is a washed up slut because she has not found lasting love? You are reading too many game blogs dude. Any "decent* woman does not like the idea of being with a male slut without standards as "score any pussy I can" this implies.

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    2. Yeah, this is the classic "Madonna/Whore" syndrome. Lots of guys have it. It's not attractive.

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    3. I would recommend that once you've attracted her with your game (fair enough) that you drop most of the game almost immediately the second you think you've got a good one.

      A good one will not stick around for all that game. You'll be lucky to hold onto her for a week with any of that going on.

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  10. Some guys are really bitter...

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    Replies
    1. Agreed. Women too. But you can understand why, it's like a war out there :D

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  11. "Some guys are really bitter"

    No other sound from the lowing herd captures the moral vacuity of Western women quite like this one. It's on a par with the words of that Hiroshima bomber pilot who said "Gee, that must have hurt" as he watched 50,000 innocent civilians disintegrate.

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    1. You're actually equating a bunch of guys who can't get laid with tens of thousands of people killed by a nuclear bomb, and then accusing others of "moral vacuity?" Grow up.

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    2. A lot of men may not be physically dead, but they just as well may be - torn from the children they love; banned from seeing them; thrown in jail on the say so of some woman without any proof whatsoever, just solely on her word; automatically judged as pedophiles just because they show concern or care for children that are not his; automatically judged pedophiles just because they show concern or care for children that ARE his; constantly told they are stupid, worthless, rubbish; constantly told they are whinging and yes, "bitter" when they do complain of unequal treatment before the law; not allowed to defend themselves physically when under physical attack by a woman; being constantly told they provoked violence against themselves by women, but that they cannot be provoked into violence against women; being laughed at and scorned when under physical attack by a woman, even though he is not allowed by law to defend himself. Women constantly deluding themselves that men are not treated unfairly under the law. I honestly don't give a shit for the sexual politics between men and women, but women constantly trying to pervent justice (including natural justice) and the execution of the law to suit their own political interests. Maybe you should grow up - and open your eyes as well.

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    3. With all due respect, that's a straw man argument. You're comparing men who are treated unfairly by the justice system to guys trying to get laid. Not the same thing.

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    4. Sir, my father abandoned my mother, brother, myself, and younger sister when I was 6 years old, my brother 8, and sister 5 years old. He moved from Florida to California and back again to avoid paying child support. He sent a total of 1 (one) child support check until my sister was 18, then he immediately filed for relief from paying child support. I went to work when I was 13 in order to have basic things like dental work and glasses. My mother had to be both mother and father and pay all the bills, and we did without things other kids took for granted. Maybe just maybe the laws were enacted to prevent men like that from doing that to their children. My mother got nothing but a hard time from my so called father. I am so tired of hearing about men complaining about getting screwed. There are just as many deadbeat dads.

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    5. Perhaps your mother was partially responsible for the divorce as well? Sorry your Dad left your Mom, but you are deluding yourself if you think it was unilateral.

      Very, very few men act like your father, but all are painted with the same brush.

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  12. Im not sure why guys think that all girls desire to take/save a guy who has spun many "plates." Code word meaning he has slept with a high number of women. I'm one of those good, young and pretty girls who you want to "hang up your spurs" for. And yet, I would never take a man like that. Keep having your fun with loose girls. Its better for good girls to avoid the baggage

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    1. The more partners a man has had, the less likely he is to settle down. And if he DOES settle down, he is less likely to be happy with his sex life (and more likely to cheat). "Good" girls should avoid men with 20+ partners.

      Some men assume that a high count make them attractive to women. But more likely those men ARE simply attractive to women (through confidence, success, wealth, good looks) and have chosen to sleep around. A man with those qualities who has a 'reasonable' count is still more attractive to high quality women than a man with those qualities who's been whoring around.

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    2. I remember being with a guy who told me early on in the relationship that he had a very high partner count (I would describe myself as a good pretty girl with a low partner count) with a number of random girls half of which he could not remember. Even though I admired his honesty it really changed my view of him and who I thought he was (despite his good qualities)thus altering the dynamic of the relationship. I didn't respect it and wondered would he ever be satisfied with just me.

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    3. (I'm the Anon of 6:40am)

      High quality men (with good looks, wealth, confidence,etc) are able to have a much large partner count. And I completely agree with this. However, the majority of men are not counted within this lucky ~10% who are able to have the entire dating world at their palms.

      Thus, I find it completely off-putting hearing average men claim that as soon as they meet a "good, pretty, and young woman" they'll immediately stop their promiscuity be with her. As if it is some sort of a prize, for good women, to reform a degenerate man.
      I refuse to be involved with a man like that. I try to maintain a high-quality life; thus I naturally desire a partner with similar values.

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    4. @Anonymous December 29, 2012 6:37 PM

      "(I'm the Anon of 6:40am)"

      Then use a name so there's no confusion, or plausible deniability in case you're held accountable for what you post.

      Your argument in the comment above is specious. Without a declared alternative standard by which to measure "a degenerate man", the only standard that can apply is the male biological imperative, which is to impregnate as many females as possible. If you're using the female biological imperative to wish into existence some sort of quasi-female sexual behavior for men, then you're barking up the wrong tree.

      If you're also stating that you think a high quality man is one with good looks, wealth and confidence, at the same time as declaring that you yourself maintain a high-quality life, then you're pissing on the wrong tree as well.

      The only standard that could be said to hold male promiscuity as "degenerate" is a religious one, in which case your view of what makes a high-quality man is itself degenerate.

      A good person can reform a degenerate one, but as a loving consequence not a duty. A person who lives a high-quality life would appreciate that.

      What you're really saying here is that the men you yourself deem to be of high quality are exempt from degeneration. In other words, according to you, alpha men are prime mating stock. Treating men like animals is not evidence of a high quality life but a degenerate one. Dear God, we're going to need a bigger hamster.

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    5. To Anon 6:40,

      It's no problem for me as a good-looking, fit, and charismatic/confident man, to get with extremely attractive, intelligent, "good" women. I don't sleep with a lot of women, but I do see 2-4 women concurrently, because most of these women too have options. There's even a pop-culture book out about how women can find lasting love by having a "gaggle," basically a small herd of beta orbiters. I'm definitely not an orbiter, and I don't chase. Spinning plates is really no different than the serial polyandry that women practice nowadays anyway. I just date in parallel instead of serially.

      As a man who's spend more than a decade working on my professional achievements, my physique, and deeply studying human interactions, yes, being with a sexy young lady is definitely part of the rewards of years of hard work. Why else would we as men do it? Work is rarely a means to its own end for most men.

      As for hanging up my spurs, I'm simply waiting for a woman who, as you said, lives as "high quality" of a life as I do. My lifestyle includes a lot of physical activity in nature, great food, stimulating cultural activities, a healthy work-life balance, and spirituality. My partner count, while above average, is really low, especially relative to how high it could be. I'm selective, very selective, in whom I sleep with.

      So you can go ahead and judge all you want, but in reality, if we met, you'd have no way of knowing that I'm a student of the charismatic arts other than that wet, pulsating sensation between your legs. You'd have no way of even knowing, initially, that I'm spinning plates, nor would it be any of your business anyway at that point. Exclusivity with a woman is a reward to her that she must earn with the totality of her being, and until she proves herself worthy, there will be others. That is fact, like gravity.

      In the hypothetical case we did meet and you met my standards, if you did decide that my "plate spinning" was unpalatable prior to earning the exclusivity badge, there are literally millions of hot, young, attractive, intelligent, and feminine women out there who resonate with my values and lifestyle. Feel free to self-select out of the queue, there are many more lined up behind you to take your place. Hence my selectivity, and even moreso the necessity of spinning plates. A man has to be able to winnow through the chaff, and spinning plates is one part of the toolbox in doing so.

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    6. Keep on spinning plates. The women that are lined up for you are morons. Any woman who would put up with this for a long time is not the highest quality woman, that's why you're having such a hard time finding someone worth settling down with. There are plenty of amazing men out there who settle down, and get into relationships, and do not spin plates indefinitely. So yes, we don't want to be in your queue. Thank you for eliminating yourself from our sphere so we don't waste the pretty. Goodluck.

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    7. You, anonymous, darling, are a silly, silly girl. First of all, you've done and made a ridiculous internet strawman argument. I clearly stated I have no interest in spinning plates indefinitely, and how it is my intention to have a monogamous relationship with a feminie, sexy woman who matches both my standards and my values.

      Secondly, I love how you write "we" as if you're writing for all your XX-chromosome compatriots. In reality, you can only speak for yourself.

      Finally, you clearly don't understand the real problem of choice facing "high quality" men, or women for that matter. That tells me you're likely not much above a 6 yourself, if that. The hotties don't have a problem with me spinning plates until we both mutually decide on exclusivity. In fact, the fact that I have a soft harem of sexy women available to me speaks volumes about my value as a man. Do yourself a favor and study up on the well-documented phenomenon of preselection, you'll learn a lot about how dating works.

      Andrew: some members of your audience clearly don't know much about preselection, nor do they have a real solid sense of the relative SMV values for men and women. Maybe you haven't covered them in detail, or maybe this particular reader hasn't read them. Either way, I recommend Rollo's work on the subject. In any event, I think it's commendable that you're bringing the red-pill, evolutionary perspective on sexuality and love to a female readership. Bravo, sir.

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    8. I wrote a long comment, and it got wiped out. Furious. If I were actually a 6, I would read you as perceptive. But you couldn't be more wrong. There's nothing wrong with a man "spinning plates" until he is exclusive, but you seem far from capable of a real relationship because you are so self-deluded, and narcissistic that you failed to understand my point. Your comment was self-masturbatory, and self-indulgent. High quality women will not wait a LONG time for a man to become exclusive. You haven't been able to find a good enough woman to hang your spurs for after all these years, and I'm pretty sure it's been many years of living, so that speaks volumes about your actual value, whether you are financially successful by now or not. I actually do know a good deal of scientific literature on courtship, and dating. You are so deluded, and out of touch there is no further need to respond.

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    9. I think most marriage-minded HQ women would not ideally date men who currently have the habit of sleeping with a lot of women. To me, it says that is where he is in his life right now. I don't like succumbing to the idea that I can "change" a man. If he is casually sleeping with lots of women now, he may be able to love and be with me, but his habits with other women on the side probably won't change very easily just because he is with with me. He has to love me, respect me, and truly want to be settled. Sleeping with a different woman every week does not say that he wants to be settled. Heck, Tiger Woods married Elin because he felt she would make the best wife and mother to his kids, but he obviously didn't want to give up the other women with the deal.

      Women hear these stories and those of us who are really considering marriage do take a man's sexual history (especially how they currently approach sex) into account just like men do to us. Who wants to be Tiger'd by a guy they already know views sex so casually in the first place? Some men view sex as more meaningful and don't try to go out and get laid as often since they prefer to do it with women they care for more than men who do rack up conquests. Or they used to play the field, but then they matured.

      And true, while a woman would have no way of knowing if Luzione was spinning plates, he also wouldn't know if she was. Seems like it's better to be truthful at the start of a relationship though so that I know the person is into me and not a phony representative I've created for the occasion. I like these posts by the way. They're fun to read.

      Delete
    10. Reply to Revo Luzione:

      "I'm simply waiting for a woman who, as you said, lives as "high quality" of a life as I do. My lifestyle includes a lot of physical activity in nature, great food, stimulating cultural activities, a healthy work-life balance, and spirituality."

      Most of these qualities are superficial. These are not what a good woman is looking for. I agree with several of the above anon. posters that you may be a bit deluded about what you have to offer a woman. I'm not going to clue you in, because the important qualities are not something a man can just add to himself (except improving your physical appearance somewhat), either he already has them or he doesn't. The fact that you supposedly have a bevy of women following you around doesn't prove anything either. More says something about those women not be discerning enough to pick out the character traits in a truly good, solid man.

      Delete
    11. These posts were so interesting to read. I agree, a high quality woman with integrity who wants to get married to a faithful man, in my opinion, is not going to seriously consider a player. She may go on a few dates with him because she is ignorant of the fact that he's a player, but she will not want to seriously date him when she finds out he's actually a player. I was almost played once before, and I was deeply hurt, so I find it hard to admire a man who is fine with disrespecting women. By "respect" here I mean the Kantian definition of respect, "people must never be used simply as a means to the ends of others, but always as ends in themselves." I can understand that men may want to have sex with women who ALSO want to have sex with no strings attached, but I will not forgive a man who tricks women into believing they have a chance with them in order to hit it and then quit it.
      Sure, there exist women who trick men into believing they have a chance with them and use them for drinks, money, or favors - but would you really consider such women to be of high value?

      Emotionally intelligent women choose to date guys with integrity who will most likely stick with them in the long run.

      Delete
  13. I agree with Anonymous @ 6:40. You will continue to attract the same type of person playing the same game as you. Thank goodness for truly good and kind men who did not succumb to reaching for the lower hanging fruit by climbing down themselves. The former are the ones good, attractive and self-respecting women prefer.

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    1. I concur with this and the comment left by Anonymous @ 6:40 AM.

      By the way, I'm also in the same situation as Anonymous @ 6.40 AM.

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  14. I think this is a case of boundary testing. If men want what they want, they will let you know about it so you have to put out what you want too and stand your ground. Most decent men respect it when you say no to their advances but too often I have been touched by men where I don't want to be touched without any kind of invitation...all starting when I was 15. I wish some men weren't like this.

    Oh and I always think that if whatever you have with someone takes a lot of emotional effort and stress, it ain't worth regardless of how serious you think it is. If it's the right person it should run smoothly.

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  15. I hope that the age of the classic gentleman isn't over. It seems like men aren't how they used to be nowadays. I wish they would try less hard to look like the tough guy and just be themselves. There's nothing I appreciate more than that.

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  16. What do you think of going to a bar on your own as a woman? Can you play that to your advantage?

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    Replies
    1. It's tough, but I think you can, yes. I would suggest (a) going to bars early, (b) grabbing a drink at the bar and waiting for men to come to you, and (c) leaving early.

      If you need to go to bars alone to meet men, however, you probably aren't the best looking girl in the world. While you might stand a chance of meeting a guy at a bar, the same time hanging around waiting for that to happen could be much more effectively spent in the gym or learning how to dress well.

      Delete
  17. Re: #7- "They might not be visibly nervous, but neither will they be ostentatious or cocky..." I take issue with this one to some extent.
    I've gone out with a few guys who would be arrogant intentionally, with the purpose of impressing me. For example I had an ex-boyfriend who would brag a lot about other girls he dated/hooked up with to show off what a stud he was. His delivery was very "cocky," but I could tell he was nervous about me on our first few dates, and he eventually brought up the relationship talk indepedently. Also, PUA/game advice is so in the mainstream, I think most guys who are at least moderately experienced with women throw around a cocky attitude or lines with a girl they're interested in.
    I agree that if a guy is being arrogant because he's unconcerned with your opinion then he's probably not that interested. But in my (albeit limited) experience if he's actively trying to impress you then it's a different thing.

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    1. You have a good point, but I would say that those cases are included in "visibly nervous" - at least he was nervous enough for you to notice. I think most people recognize authentic confidence when we see it. And that is when you need to be worried.

      The Pick Up Artist who is cocky but nervous is still interested in you.

      Delete
    2. I'm sorry but a guy that thinks I will be attracted by telling me about other women???

      I have no problem with a high count but telling me about it early on As some badge if honor would be a major red flag... Anon Jess

      Delete
    3. @ Andrew...yes you're right, we're basically seeing different sides of the same situation.

      @ Anon/Jess...Obviously it wasn't a red flag...he wanted to be my boyfriend, and the relationship eventually ended for reasons unrelated to him being promiscuous...the point I was trying to make is that I was also inclined to write him off because of this things his said and his "swagger," but doing so would have been a mistake.

      A lot of the time a guy just doesn't know how to impress you so he does something kind of misguided. He's not necessarily crazy or a creep he just doesn't know what he's doing...I think most of the people who read this blog, myself included, can relate to that situation.

      Delete
  18. What about response to texts? Is it the case that men can take longer if you take long to respond to him? If he senses your time frame he doesn't want to get back to you right away?
    Or is it a red flag if he takes up to 24 hours? (Given that he seems interested in every other way)

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  19. @Andrew

    As a man, how do you think your career interacts with your dating choices? I'll explain.

    One thing I have noted in men my age (I am in my twenties) is that there is a pull and a tug between wanting to establish his independence, career wise and socially with the eventual desire to settle down. No man wants to sacrifice either one for the other. They do not want to get into a situation which restricts his level of choice over possible outcomes. I wonder if this is why so many men will engage in casual sex. I know not all men will get into a relationship which is "good for now" but I know that some will. I suppose this is why your rules are so useful to women, because it allows to get around that level of indecisiveness in young men.

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    1. I think this to-and-fro between career and relationships can cause a bit of a conundrum. I know that driven and financially independent men favour women of the same calibre, women who have high value because of their independence. However, of these men who want to eventually settle down, it's as if they want the women to relinquish her independence at the right time. I feel that as a woman I have to show that I'm financially independent but willing to give it up for them. To some men who really want a self-sufficient woman, it will eventually become some kind of power struggle if one is expected to take a more dependent role.

      Does this mean that most relationship balances work out where one person is less career-minded that the other?

      I'm not hugely career-minded. I want to earn good money and enjoy my job but corporate stuff is not for me. If I was different and wanted to be a CEO, would I end up married to a guy who was more of a homebody? Do men see women with careers as a potential threat to their masculinity?

      Would love to read your insights on careers and how it affects dating, especially on the perspectives of young men. The attitudes of men my age is something I have failed to appreciate and has led me to getting hurt in the past.

      Delete
    2. There's a book called Getting to "I Do" by Dr. Patricia Allen & Sandra Harmon which touches upon the subject of roles in relationships. I'm still undecided on the book (I haven't met any guy yet who I wanted to test the tools on, but might be an interesting read. It's not for everyone though and is seen as a bit controversial.

      Delete
    3. I have a friend who refused to date anyone seriously until he finished his Masters degree and found a job, which he did just the other day. He literally went out the next week and asked out a few girls he knew, since it is time (now) to find a wife. I have never met anyone with such cold rules about when and how he will find his wife (not to mention what he is looking for), but the point is that men like this exist. Other men don't give a fuck about their career and will get married whenever they meet the right woman, IF they meet the right woman.

      Balancing "life plans" versus relationships is not something that men handle in a uniform manner. This is a personality issue much more than a male/female issue.

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  20. Andrew
    I'm curious....
    Would you be open to getting married if you met the right woman? Do you ever feellike you are too busy with a career or at a certain transition in life where you may want to be in a serious relationship versus dating casually?

    I feel like I have turned down men (both in dating and giving my phone number) because I felt like I needed to focus on something very important in my life (coincidentally, working on a MA degree). For me, it was about focus and the fact that I just wasn't into these guys enough and didn't feel like putting in the effort to date casually. Then I realized I did not want to waste the most eligible years of my dating life...so I'm jumping back in and being more open. Still, I will not waste my time but I am going to stop seeing dating as "effort" and start seeing it in a different light.

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  21. what if he is dating you but he is in a relationship? but he says he is truly interested in you ( i personally told i didnt like that and he said he'd call when things are more clear in his mind)

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  22. Most dating sites that I have tried have been quite disappointing. They are ok for a laugh but not if you really are looking for something. So I searched for dating website for real relationship and I found this globogirls.com and it was really good, it is a good way to see what is out there. There are a lot of different people in different countries, but some good ones too. The good thing about it is that it's totally secure because they have the feature of video chatting with these girls so you'll not share your personal contacts unless you're 100% sure , One thing that I really liked was the tips on how to avoid scam and fraud.

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  23. After reading the comments above I have to say I'm amazed by how different people can be...

    I've NEVER casually dated anyone. Being in a relationship consumes a lot of energy of me and I was always in a looong relationship. Also in my real life, I don't see many really good-looking guys, though I've been studying and working in the engineering world. I guess men like Revo Luzione must be really good at cold approaching(different from chasing) and does that A LOT to successfully get eligible attractive women for casual dating.

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    Replies
    1. When attractive women date even higher value men, the relationship is extremely serious for the woman, but casual for the high-value man. (Ask yourself: have you ever had a relationship where you were cheated on?)

      Women generally do not date or sleep with lower-value men.

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  25. Andrew, I would really like your feed back on a situation I just went through.

    About a month ago, I really liked this guy, we went on a couple of dates and things went great,I mean we really connected and had so much in common. I thought that he really like me, but things kind of just kept at the same pace and as usually he'd take around a half an hour to respond back to my text messages so I wondered if he was still interested in me, Finally I got the nerve to ask him and he tells me that since we work together that he does not want to mess with dating and work. I didn't understand, I could not help but feel rejected and even more confused because if he really felt this way all a long then why did he go on those dates with me? Was him telling me that he didn't want to mess with work and dating his way of gently letting me know that he isn't interested in me?

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  27. Seems people are quite missguided about the "high-value", "alpha" etc part.

    You miss that natural selection works for societies or populations as a whole. It is not just on an individual basis. The "alpha" qualities, if they exist, might not be what we like to believe. And they're definitely not static over generations.

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  28. 1. Bars/clubs Only Flag: I wouldn't say places that serve alcohol. Depends on the setting. They aren't all the same by any stretch -- that's just what grandmaw says. So the concept of sitting down and getting to know each other can easily be had at any neighborhood bar, restaurant bar, etc. Clubs? Yeah, I can see that being an issue, but again, with anything, it depends on the situation they're drawing you into. Definitely "with other friends" all the time would be a red flag. You want 1-on-1.

    4. Only talks via text or online chat: I disagree with this being a rule of thumb. If the gal wants to talk on the phone, and he's interested, he will. But many women don't reach out for that, and like to text, too. Also, many people like to talk in person -- and do a little chitter chatter thinly spread out thru a day via text. It's not an indication of lack of interest -- unless he Doesn't want to talk on the phone.

    #9 conflicts with your #1. So if he only brings you out or Never brings you out to bars/clubs -- it's a red flag?

    10. He goes to bars a lot? Well, if he's single, yeah, he's going to go out there a lot. And I agree with #9 (but not #1) -- he won't have a problem bringing you, if he IS that into you.

    The rest, yeah, I pretty much agree with. :)

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  29. Hello Andrew. What would you say about phone sex with someone you haven't met in person? We met online and we've been talking for 3 months now. Should a man who has long term intentions with you initiate phone sex? I like him a lot but I'm uncomfortable with his request. Kindly help answer this. Thanks.

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