The Fantasy of Nightlife

When women go out, they are done up: they have makeup on, their hair is done, they are wearing heels, wearing their best clothes, etc. In addition, nightlife venues are almost always dimly lit, so that any cosmetic imperfections are hidden. In other words, they look their "best."

Men also get dressed up when they go out; but more importantly, they drink. The alcohol makes them more social and confident, more willing to go for what they want. And the magnum of Grey Goose they bought makes them look more important than they are. The loud music and bustling environment makes it unnecessary for them to lead a real conversation, so any lack of social skills is masked. In other words, they also look their "best."

Granted, men often over-drink, in the same way that girls often over-dress. Taking extra shots is the male equivalent of wearing too short of a skirt, or too much makeup. But the point is that, in nightlife, men and women lean on the crutch of added confidence or beauty (respectively) in order to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. The interesting thing is that, in addition to leaning on their own crutch, both sexes actually lean on the opposite sex’s crutch as well…

When men go out, they indulge in the belief that they can get girls who look like supermodels. The truth, of course, is that these guys can only get girls who look like supermodels in the club, and only when they themselves have liquid courage to assist, or loud music to mask their insecurity, or when they have the best table in the club to hide the fact that they are a run-of-the-mill manager in a medium-sized company.

When women go out, they indulge in the belief that they are attractive enough to get confident and powerful men to approach from across a room; but the reality is that they can only attract the men who can act confident after a couple drinks, or guys who know how to look powerful in a nightclub.

While this dynamic is far more exaggerated in nightclubs than it is in bars, it still exists in degrees wherever women are dressed up and men are drinking. Women lean on their appearance and sex appeal to be more attractive than they are normally, men lean on alcohol and status symbols to be more attractive than they are normally; and both sexes bask in the glow of the “results” they get in those circumstances.

This isn't necessarily a problem as long as you recognize what is going on, and enjoy it for the fantasy that it is. But it can be a problem if you let yourself slip into the mentality of “I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex,” when the reality is that you only get a lot of attention from the opposite sex when you go out – in other words, when you participate in the fiction of nightlife. This is significantly different from being able to attract someone in normal life, and assumptions to the contrary might be fueling your complacency.


Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty
2. Bars Are a Bad Place to Meet Women
3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys – Part 1
4. Nightlife Tip 1 – Create Space at the Bar

What it Is Like to Approach Women

I've heard a lot of girls make the following comment:

This guy at the bar was staring at me all night, but he never approached. What's the big deal?? If he likes me, he should just come talk to me! I want him to; why is he so intimidated? 

Or others have said essentially the same thing in suggesting that

A guy doesn't need to use pickup lines to talk to get girls. He just needs to say "hi" to get the girl he likes.

The truth, of course, is that a guy just needs to say "hi" to get the girl that likes him. To get a girl without her prior interest, he "just" needs to impress her with his confidence and bearing when he approaches. He "just" needs to be calm and carry the conversation without making himself look like an idiot. The guy who stares at the girl across the bar but never approaches knows that this will be difficult to do when his pride, reputation and success all hinge on his performance (in fact, as we know from the quote above, he judges that it is too difficult, maybe impossible, and never approaches).

Consider what seems at first to be a relatively obvious and uninteresting fact: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. Think about that: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. You might not be able to empathize with the difficulty of approaching women, but this fact tells you pretty much all you need to know. Pause for a moment and ask yourself what other social actions are so unnerving that people would almost categorically get intoxicated before doing them (if it were socially acceptable to do so). Public speaking maybe? A big job interview? Confronting a good friend about something very important to you? A lot of people get nervous about these kinds of things long before doing them - hours, days, or sometimes even weeks in advance. Approaching a random, attractive woman is easily on the same difficulty level for the vast majority of men, and for a large number of them, it is much harder.

I am sure some female readers are thinking "That is ridiculous; it shouldn't be that difficult." Fine. Great. Maybe it shouldn't. I could say the same thing about public speaking; it shouldn't be that difficult either. But normative statements aside, the fact is that, for most people, it is. To paint this picture as clearly as possible, I am going to draw a quick analogy...

Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.

But it isn't even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won't only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.

Don't forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won't be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about - that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn't overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn't organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.

There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations - just like a man is always judged relative to a woman's other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about - probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6'3" athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you'd been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?

In fact, it is a huge testament to the depth of the male desire for sexual companionship (and I don't mean that only in the physical sense) that we push through these fears and nerves - yes, sometimes with the help of alcohol or game - in order to talk to and attract women. We do routinely get up in front of the class, swallow our pride and nerves and try our best to beat that nerdy kid with the killer public speaking skills and nerves of steel. And we often do it without any external motivation.

I am not trying to glorify the struggles of men, nor am I am trying to excuse our weaknesses. I am simply trying to show the girls who say things like those quoted at the start of this post that the male-female comparison isn't as simple as they believe; and I think analogies like this one go a long way towards doing so. If public-speaking isn't something you find difficult, then you can substitute it for whatever makes you nervous. Maybe for you it is going on roller-coasters or telling someone you care about that you love them for the first time. The point is that this kind of comparison will help you understand - and hopefully, therefore, appreciate - how difficult it can be for a guy to approach or pursue a girl he really likes. This understanding will count towards your general understanding of male behavior, which in turn will serve to improve your chances with men.


Related Posts
1. What it Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
2. The Upper Hand In Relationships
3. How To Make Yourself Approachable
4. Why Men Don't Approach You During the Day
5. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You

Don't Try to Be One of The Guys

TIME and TIME again I meet girls that try to set themselves apart from other women by identifying with men, hanging out with men and professing to be OK with all the fucked up stuff guys do to girls. This takes many forms. Here are some of the more common examples:

• Having only or mostly guy friends
• Claiming that "girls are too bitchy and emotional, guys are just easier to get along with"
• Laughing at stories about guys treating girls like shit
• Scoffing at girls that get upset or "overreact" when a guy breaks up with them
• Being proud of the ability to drink a lot, or to drink strong liquor
• Pretending to be OK with just hooking up or just having sex with a guy
• Being proud of her one night stands, and telling stories about them openly
• Not making demands of a potential boyfriend because "it's no big deal"

Yes, these things do get positive responses from men. However, in the same sense that any attention is not necessarily good attention (a lesson many men need to learn), any attraction is not necessarily romantic or even sexual attraction. The men that laugh at these comments or encourage your drinking feel the same kind of attraction for you that they feel for their buddies: casual, asexual, platonic camaraderie. If this sounds like the kind of attention you want from men, keep it up.

To put the phenomenon in perspective, consider a guy that tries to attract you by constantly identifying with you, hanging out only with girls, and professing to like the things girls like or do. I have witnessed a lot of men who do exactly this. For example,

• Talking with girls about how "guys can be such assholes" (implying, of course, that he is different - which is probably true enough, but really beside the point)
• Being the shoulder for the girl to cry on when the guy she actually likes rejects her
• Admitting that he likes sentimental movies and even that cries sometimes because he is sensitive
• Pretending he likes the same music as a girl, even if it is gay
• Pretending that he cares more about her personality than her appearance - or at least (because it is at least conceivable that some men do care less for looks than personality), pretending he cares less about looks than he really does

All of this behaviour - in both men and women - is rooted in projection but ultimately is caused by a failure to differentiate between romantic and platonic affection. When you act like a man and constantly try to identify with him, you will attract him no more than the actions that I've just described attract you.

As obvious as it is, I think it bears repeating that men are attracted to women, not men. While they might complain about a girl who is "too emotional" or "a prude," there are ways of correcting feminine faults without reverting to masculine behavior.

In Vino Veritas... Aliquanto

Most guys behave differently after consuming alcohol, and this often leads to situations in which a woman is left trying to decipher her crush's words or actions through the facade of its effects - not always an easy task, but as I will explain, not one worth completely abandoning either. Whenever a man you are interested in interacts with you (i.e. whether he is drunk or sober), he reveals information about himself, even if it is only that he is perpetuating the status quo of the relationship by not giving you any different information. A drunken interaction with a guy you like is no exception; you just need to understand the limitations of what you can learn from it.

Most people are familiar with the Latin expression "in vino veritas," which means "in wine lies the truth." There are a lot of dumb sayings out there, but this is not one of them. With a few negligible exceptions, a man's actions when he is drunk do accurately reflect his true feelings and intentions. This is because his drunkenness relieves his inhibitions, making him more capable of behaving according to his impulses and natural inclinations. However, from an attracted girl's perspective, this honesty carries with it an ambiguity, because in addition to relieving a man's internal inhibitions, alcohol also relieves his external inhibitions; and there is almost no way to judge which one is driving (or, more accurately, allowing) his words and actions. By internal inhibitions I mean those that come from within, i.e. ones that are a product of his personal weaknesses - fear of embarrassment or lack of self-confidence. By external inhibitions I mean those that come from the expectations of society, such as the pressure to date high-quality women, to not sleep with a girl you don't want to date, or avoid sleep sleeping with your female coworker for fear of upsetting your professional relationship at work. Both types go by the wayside when drunkenness sets in.

The loss of both of these types of inhibitions leave a man's natural impulses unchecked, and you can be sure he will start to act on them in proportion to his level of drunkenness. The ambiguity is introduced by the fact that a guy's sincere feelings might just as well be "I have a crush on that girl and want to date her," as they could be "I want to fuck that girl tonight and tonight only." In the light of drunkenness, however, the behavior resulting from both sets of feelings is one and the same: he flirts with you or gives you more attention. So the distinction between these two attitudes is not what you should be looking for when you try to interpret his drunken actions. You need to wait for a clearer data point to make this kind of judgement.

But as I suggested at the start of this post, this ambiguity does not mean no useful information can be gained from a guy's drunken advances. And this is because there is yet another external inhibition that is ignored by drunken men, namely, the concern that "I should be nice to this girl and talk to her even though I don't want to have sex with her or date her." Your clue comes entirely from his dismissal of this inhibition as he drinks. While you may not be able to determine whether or not his advances are purely sexual when he flirts with you, you can at least rule out the possibility that he has no interest in you. If he weren't at least sexually interested, you can be sure he would be off chasing other girls, rather than being "tied down" by the social obligation to be nice, or even just social.

So next time the guy you likes makes a drunken advance, don't stress out trying to decipher the implications. Instead, acknowledge that it means he is at least sexually interested in you, and wait for your next (sober) data point.