Nice Guys Don't Exist

Everyone adapts their behavior to the people around them, and in response to the situation at hand. We are nice to people we like and mean or bitchy to people we don’t. We are friendly and cheerful when things go well and short-tempered or depressed when they don’t. Yeah, sure, there are some people who are generally more disposed to (for example) mean or more egocentric behavior than others, just as there are some people who are more disposed to (for example) kind or generous behavior than others; but even they are more mean or kind to some people, and less egocentric or generous to others. And of course there are some people whose behavior is less affected by circumstance than others, but not to the point that it isn't affected at all – and not even to the point that it isn't affected significantly. We like to think of personality as static and constant, intrinsic to each person. But the reality is that personality is merely a name we give to a set of behaviors coming from an individual; and those behaviors are very much mood-driven, situational and dynamic.

This misconception plays into our perception of the opposite sex significantly. Consider how frequently you change your behavior towards the men in your life…

If I approach a girl in a bar awkwardly, and then speak to her in a low voice because I am nervous, she isn't going to be attracted, and isn't going to respond well. The fact that she is short with me, or excuses herself immediately to go to the bathroom doesn't mean that she is a "bitch;" it just means that I didn't attract her enough. The next guy who approaches her might approach her confidently and genuinely, and have her wrapped around his finger the rest of the night.

If I have a dead-end job and lack ambition, my girlfriend isn't going to respond to me in the same way as the guy she dates next (i.e. after she dumps me), who is intentional in his career and gainfully employed in a position he truly enjoys. I might tell my friends that she was “cold” or “distant” but they'll know as well as I will that her next boyfriend probably has none of the same problems. Or maybe she is the one complaining that he is cold and distant.

The same kind of girls that ignored me when I was young and lacked confidence now treat me entirely differently, because I am older and far more sure of myself. At twenty years old, it was tempting to view those girls as stuck-up or bitchy; but the reality is that they were probably acting like angels towards some 30-year-old who was much more attractive due to his age, maturity and position in life.

I am not saying all of this to make a point about women, but to make a point about men – because men work exactly the same way. It is easy to believe that a certain guy is an asshole because he dumps you without an explanation, or that another is an authentically nice guy because he treats you well. But I am telling you: those men behave in entirely different ways with different girls.

The guy who you think is a player because he hits on three other girls before taking you home, then never calls you the next day – I guarantee that he is genuine and respectful and serious with other girls he dates. I know this because I've been that guy plenty of times. Some women I treat well and with respect, and others I don’t. If I see a girl I'm attracted to and whom I respect, I change my game completely. My male friends do the same.

The guy who is a dismissive asshole to you is a babbling, nervous idiot with the girl he is crazy about, and the guy who is such a gentleman to you absolutely crushes the hopes of girls that he doesn't find attractive, or doesn't respect. Likewise, the guy who never calls you back isn't “flaky,” he just doesn't care that much about you. I am sure there is a girl out there who has complained that he was needy and contacted her too much. And I am equally sure that the guy you were dating who seems to have “commitment anxiety” has at some point in his life practically begged to be in a relationship with a girl.

The thing is, nice guys don’t exist. “Douchebags” don’t exist. The behaviors we describe with these terms are not innate and static characteristics of any given person; they are behaviors that change depending on the other person involved and the circumstances surrounding the interaction. Of course there are men out there who are more disposed to certain types of behavior than others; but the degree of attraction a man feels for you will affect his behavior towards you far more than anything intrinsic to his personality, and the degree of attraction he feels for you is significantly affected by the kind of behavior you'll accept from him.

So instead of complaining about the dearth of nice guys or the abundance of douchebags, start thinking about what you can do to make then men in your life treat you the way you want. Because that is what is going to make the difference – not finding some "perfect guy" with some supposed personality type. You don't find perfect men, you elicit perfection from men.


Related Posts

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The Economics of Sex

A reader recently posted a link to a video that captures, in extremely clear terms, a phenomenon that has been implicit (and at times, explicit) in everything I write on this blog. It is a video that discusses sexual economics, and more importantly, their implications for dating and relationships. Here it is:

I cannot recommend this video highly enough. Especially for anyone encountering this blog or its ideas for the first time, it gives an important insight into one of the biggest differences between men and women in dating and relationships (I believe bigger ones exist, but this is a great starting point for discovering them). Even regular readers can benefit by watching this video, because it articulates clearly and concisely ideas that are well-worth solidifying in your mind; and hearing them in such clear and concise terms will do exactly that.

With that said, I do want to point out two minor disagreements I have with the video, though I only feel the need to do so because I agree so completely with the rest:

(a) I think the video focuses too much on the pill as the source of the disparity between supply and demand, rather than on certain philosophical undercurrents in Western society, or mans' access to pornography - both of which are at least as responsible (if not more so) for the phenomena the video describes.

(b) It suggests that "affirming desirability" is a sexual motivation for women, but not for men (1:28). This is simply untrue. Yes, men bang women because an orgasm feels better in a vagina than in their hand; but a big part of that "better feeling" is actually pride: it is either the satisfaction of the woman's affirmation, or the affirmation from their guy friends upon sharing the story with them. I do, however, agree with their point that women tend to be motivated by the intimacy of sex more than men; and as I've suggested before, I also think that feeling desired is a greater sexual motivation for women than it is for men.* So I don't think this criticism detracts from the video's larger point that men and women have different motivations for sex.

To give credit where credit is due, the video was made by the Austin Institute for The Study of Family and Culture. I don't know anything more about their organization than what they have written on their "About Us" page, but I also don't care. I am just glad someone made the video.

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* I don't think this is because women are more emotionally needy than men (as one might infer). I am convinced that it is because men are more desirous of carnal sexual pleasure. So as a woman, there is simply more sexual desire to be received.


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6 Ways Men Mask Their Indifference

Whenever you are dating or seeing a guy, and there is some kind of external impediment to a normal relationship (or to the normal progress of a relationship), be skeptical of what "feels" true. By external impediment, I mean some factor outside the relationship that is making things between you difficult or impossible. You can scan the headings below to get an idea of what I mean. A man's affection in these situations will sometimes feel very much like the real thing, when the truth is that he is only allowing himself to fully express his feelings - or even slightly exaggerate them - because he knows that he is engaging in an impossible (or terminal) relationship. In other words, he will indulge in the relationship because he knows that he has an "out," and commitment will never be demanded of him.

Some men will do this in a manipulative way: they will consciously acknowledge to themselves that the relationship is a dead end, but act like everything is fine in order to continue in a fun or exciting or comfortable situation. More commonly, however, men will simply enjoy the relationship or the interaction with you, and will sub-consciously allow themselves to be more free with their affections or emotions or compliments, because they know in the back of their mind that they will never be forced to prove them by committing to you.

This isn't always the case, and your intuition is probably a strong guide in judging whether it applies in your case; but that intuition will be stronger still after understanding that this kind of behavior is a possibility, and recognizing the following ways in which this phenomenon can manifest itself:

1. Long Distance
This is probably the most common one. When a man is in another city or country, the pressure is off. He might not be cheating, but he is automatically expected to see you less, call you less, and generally be less involved in your life. Even though there is no impediment to him calling frequently, as he would if he were living down the street, it isn't expected of him. I've never been in a long distance relationship, but a few times I've kept in touch (for several months) with girls that I've met while traveling, so I know what this freedom feels like, and how low-investment those relationships are. The fact is that, if you are in different cities, you aren't on his mind anywhere near as much as you would be otherwise. When you are in the same place as a man, you occupy his thoughts frequently because there is always a possibility that you will be able to see each other soon. He is constantly entertaining this possibility in his mind, weighing it against other options. Even if you don't see each other as much as you'd like, he is still forced to think about that possibility (and therefore you) far more often. You are much more immediate to him. But when you are dating long-distance, there is no possibility to be together, and he mentally "shelves" you - that is, he makes you less of a priority in his life - because he knows that physical intimacy is not possible (and I don't only mean sexual intimacy). So a man in a long-distance relationship can put in far less effort to maintain the same level of commitment from you.

2. Technology

By technology I mean cell phones, text messaging, e-mail, etc. While these might seem to be facilitators of a relationship (as they make communication easier), they can often be exactly the opposite. Technology diminishes the amount of personal interaction that we have when we communicate, and, perhaps more importantly, allows us to multi-task. A guy can chat with you online every day, sometimes for hours, but because he is bored at work, while you are thinking "He texts me all the time even though he is busy at work." One time a girl thought I was falling in love with her because I called her almost every day for a couple weeks while I was driving home from work. The reality was that I just enjoyed talking to her and flirting, and I had nothing else to do during my commute. By the time I realized how much she'd read into it, it was too late. In extreme instances, a guy could be texting you from another woman's bed. Even if he doesn't multi-task like this, and uses his free time to contact you via chat or phone or video, it is less valuable than it is if you see him in person. If a guy spends an hour with you on video-chatting, for example, he only needs to be in front of his computer (or these days, his smartphone) in order to do it. In order to spend time with you in person, he would have to shower and get changed, travel to be with you, allow extra time for uncertainties like traffic or a change of plans, and then commute back. That one hour would be effectively two or three by the end of it. So interpret anything less than in-person one-on-one time with the caution it deserves.

3. His Relationship

Married men who are cheating on their wives, or guys who flirt with you even though they have a girlfriend, will never have to demonstrate how willing they are to commit to you. They can always hide behind their inability to leave their current woman. Judging from the e-mails I get, it is fairly common for men in marriages to profess their love to a mistress, but simultaneously claim that their hands are tied: "I would do anything for you, you know that - but I have a family; I can't just leave them." Getting involved with married men is a bad idea for many reasons, but this is an important one. He can continue to have the benefits of a secret relationship, always blaming his lack of intimacy on the fact that he is married and has and family, when the truth is that he wouldn't enter a serious relationship with you even if he were single. More commonly, a guy with a girlfriend might flirt with you and get your hopes up, when the reality is that he wouldn't want to be your boyfriend even if he were single; and it is precisely the knowledge that he can't be your boyfriend that gives him the liberty to engage in flirting with you. 

4. Your Relationship
You might be dating a guy that you are only semi-enthusiastic about, or thinking about breaking up with. Or perhaps you are married but unhappy. And there is a hot, single guy in your life that gives you a lot of attention. In fact, you are sure that if you weren't tied up, he'd be all over you. Think again. Men often allow themselves to enjoy the flirting, the sexual tension, the affirmation of your attraction and all the other makings of a courtship when they know that there is no pressure on them to follow through. They might not be attracted to you enough to make a move, but they will allow themselves to engage in the fun parts of the exchange because they know they will never have to. This is essentially the same mechanism as described in the previous point, except that it is a little more risky for the man, in the sense that he isn't in control of whether or not you end the relationship that is "preventing" something from happening between you and him.

5. Academic Degrees or Careers

I am sure some readers have been told "I love you, but I can't get engaged now; I need to graduate first." This might be true, but evaluate that statement with a heavy degree of cynicism. He could truly feel the need to get a piece of paper before making a commitment, or he could be uncertain about making a commitment to you at all and using his education as an excuse. Are you willing to wait until he graduates only to find out that he actually isn't as serious about you as you thought, or that he wants to "spend some time on his own" before he can commit to a future with you? The same kind of thing can be said about getting a promotion at work, or achieving financial stability (whatever that means), or buying a house. It all has potential to be bullshit.

6. Religious or Cultural Differences

Maybe your guy has told you that he "can't marry a non-Indian girl" (and you are American) or "I can't marry a non-Jewish girl" (and you are Catholic). While both of these might be perfectly true, men will often acknowledge their cultural or religious limitations and still continue to date you. I know plenty of guys who have done this, and the women simply hold on, thinking that maybe he will change his mind. Especially when it comes to culture and religion, you should take these men at their word: the relationship is a dead end. While there are a few Romeo and Juliet stories in the world, they tend to be played out only when both parties have little else in life to lose, not by people with comfortable lives and limitations imposed by cultures or creeds that they don't actually engage in or practice anyway. If you are trying (for example) to get a Hindu Indian doctor from a wealthy family to marry you, when you are a dark-skinned Muslim without an advanced degree, and his family has "expectations" about who he will marry, you are fighting a a losing battle against unreasonable prejudice: give up and cut your losses.


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Men and "Friends With Benefits"

While explaining her relationship with a guy she is interested in, a reader who recently wrote to me for advice reminded me of the difference between the typical male and female approach to being "friends with benefits":

I guess we're friends with benefits because there's no commitment on both parts. I also made a conscious choice that it was only purely physical with what happened between us (only twice by the way). But I liked his company and the flowing conversations we had. I didn't put any pressure on him either. I had no illusions, in other words. I was, however, hoping that we could learn more about each other slowly and establish a good foundation before going to the next level. But again, I had no illusions.

The simple fact is that men almost never fall in love this way, despite what you saw in the fictional movie (emphasis on fictional), No Strings Attached. The woman quoted above might not have had any illusions about the fact that the relationship was purely sexual, but I suspect she did have some illusions about just how unlikely it was that her love interest would change his perspective on the relationship. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have wasted her time.

It has been my experience - both personal and vicarious - that the vast majority of women view a casual sexual relationship as a potential stepping stone towards a relationship. Men, on the other hand, see it as nothing more than what it sounds like: sex with no emotional ties, no commitment, nothing. If anything, men treat it as a step away from a committed relationship, because if they wanted more from a woman, they wouldn't settle for mere sex; they'd want her exclusivity also. (If this sounds familiar, it is probably because it is almost identical to the difference between the male and female perspectives on moving in together before marriage.)

Any man who is mildly observant of the opposite sex will have a hunch in the back of his mind that this kind of relationship is bound to explode eventually. But he isn't going to turn down all of the commitment-free sex he'll get in the meantime just because of some "feeling." Men don't trust feelings the way women do. Men are hyper-rational, literal creatures. If it is called "no-strings-attached" relationship, that's exactly how he treats it, no matter how much cuddling and hanging out is involved.

Furthermore, a man will often be willing to engage in a relationship like this with a woman who is below his league, in the same way that many people will have lower standards for the quality of the house they lease, as opposed to the one they eventually buy.

Yes, of course, I know, there are occasional exceptions. There are always exceptions. Once in a while, a long-term relationship or even a marriage can grow out of something that started as friends-with-benefits. But the point is that, when it comes to casual sexual relationships, the exceptions are so rare that you'll be far better off avoiding them completely than taking a gamble on even the most apparently promising ones.

So before you jump at the opportunity to "get closer" to the man you want by making things sexual, recognize that his willingness to engage in a casual sexual relationship with you is actually a step away from commitment, not a step towards it.

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What Men Think About Your Virginity

Imagine you are dating a guy who doesn't know that you are a virgin. Everything is going well until, one night, he starts to push things past the limits of your sexual comfort zone. After a quick battle in your conscience, you stop him and reluctantly tell him "I can't..." followed by an apologetic, blush-filled explanation about how you were raised, how hard it is to constantly disappoint men, and how difficult it is to live with the fear of being "found out" by your friends. He is a little bit surprised at the news initially, but he says that it isn't a big deal. He even seems sincere when he tells you how much he admires your decision and sometimes wishes that he'd stayed a virgin too. However, in the next few days, his contact and initiative plummet. Before long he stops talking to you altogether. You are confused. You understand that men want sex, but this guy seemed different...

Sound familiar?

Of course, there are many variations on this story. Maybe you wanted to sleep with him, but something made him suspicious, and he asked if you were a virgin before anything happened. Or maybe you made it clear that you really didn't want to stay a virgin, but that you just needed a little longer together before having sex. Or maybe you actually asked him to sleep with you, right then and there, because you were fed up with being a virgin and figured you might as well lose it with him as with the next guy. However it happened for you, the result was probably the same: he disappeared.

You've probably assumed that men act this way for one or more of the following reasons:

1. They think it will be too much work to sleep with you,
2. They are "weirded out" by the fact that you've never had sex,
3. They don't want to "suffer" through your inexperience.

For some men, a combination of these things will play a role in their decision, but usually it will be a minor one. If you are hot enough, men won't give up very easily at all - particularly players, who know that women often say no at first, only to give in soon afterwards. No man is "weirded out" by the idea of virginity to the point that it would actually prevent him from enjoying sex. And although sex might not be as great with a virgin as with a more experienced girl, few if any men have so many women at their fingertips that they can afford to discriminate based solely on anticipated performance. There is something deeper at work.

The primary reason that most men disappear after learning you are a virgin is simple but often overlooked: men don't want the responsibility of taking your virginity. Rightly or wrongly, men assume that in proportion to how long you've remained a virgin, your experience losing it will be "a big deal," and something that you want to do within the context of a serious relationship - even if you tell them otherwise. Men aren't afraid of or "weirded out" by your virginity; they are wary of the expectations that will accompany taking it from you.

It should go without saying that the men who are going to be most turned off by expectations or responsibility are the ones who know, in the back of their minds (or the forefront), that there isn't potential for a relationship. If a man really likes you, your virginity will not be impediment to dating. He will not balk at the idea of waiting until you are in a committed relationship (or possibly longer) for sex. In this sense, your virginity can actually serve as a good filtering mechanism for avoiding men who aren't interested in anything serious.

There are limits to this phenomenon, however. Once inside a committed relationship, even a man with the best intentions is likely to be put off if his girlfriend insists on waiting until marriage for sex. The convenient reality in these cases, however, is that the few women who insist on waiting until marriage are probably most compatible with the few men who are also willing to wait until marriage. So if you really believe that prolonged virginity or abstinence until marriage is important, consider this belief a filtering mechanism - no man without similar beliefs will be willing to wait that long.

It is also worth pointing out that men will be somewhat less scrupulous about taking a younger girl's virginity. Because younger girls haven't been virgins for as long, men (even young men) will assume that the girls care less about giving it away. Although there isn't a strict age cutoff for this assumption, it falls somewhere between 20 and 22. Before 20, almost no guy will be surprised at a girl's virginity. After 22, almost all men will assume that a girl's virginity is intentional. Keep in mind that the average age at which American girls reportedly lose their virginity is 17.

Also keep in mind that being surprised that a girl is still a virgin is not the same as thinking that she is "weird" because of it. I considered writing a paragraph explaining the age at which men will think a woman is "weird" for still being a virgin (since I know that some women worry about this), but in the process of trying to pinpoint that age, I realize two things: (a) there really isn't one, and (b) you shouldn't care anyway.

To conclude: men who disappear after learning you are a virgin wouldn't have stuck around in the long run anyway, and they certainly don't disappear because they are lazy or feel awkward about your inexperience. They are simply unwilling to deal with the moral hangover or relationship pressure of taking you through such an "important" event in your life, then walking away afterwards. And they will avoid doing so even if it means foregoing easy or guaranteed-STD-free sex. So if a guy disappears on you after you tell him about your virginity, don't feel the need go and to lose it at the next opportunity; just be glad you dodged a bullet.

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The Importance of Silence After a Break Up

If you've been reading this blog for any time now, you are familiar with the idea of cutting off a man after he breaks up with you. I want to explain a little more systematically the reasons why this is important. Keep in mind that by "break up" I mean any situation in which a man makes it clear that he is no longer interested in pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship with you: not calling after he gets your number, fading out after sex or a few dates, or explicitly ending a long term relationship. In any of these situations, cutting him off completely will accomplish five things:

1. It will show him that you are a woman of high value. It will demonstrate that you are a woman who isn't desperate or needy - a woman who can live without him (because you can). Men find this attractive in a woman. Although this demonstration is unlikely to increase his attraction for you enough to make him change his decision, you will avoid confirming him in his decision by showing him that you are needy, pathetic and desperate - all of which are obvious symptoms of being below his league.
2. It will show him what he is missing by way of contrast. By forcing him to experience life with you, and then suddenly without you (in other words, before and after the break up), you will emphasize whatever feelings he has as a result of his decision. First he has you, then he doesn't. The starker that contrast is, the more he will feel your absence, and the more likely it is that he will miss you and want you back. Again, it is unlikely that this effect will be enough to make him change his mind, but in some instances it will be. (Note: it is also possible that cutting him off will show him how much he doesn't miss you, but if this is this case then there is nothing you can gain by contacting him anyway - it is unquestionably over.)
3. It will force him to think about his options seriously. As long you stay in touch with him, he will know that he can have you back at any moment, and he will feel no urgency to reverse his decision. By staying in touch with him, you effectively give him a "safety net." Even if he doubts his decision, he will have nothing forcing him to act one way or the other. He will simply go about his life, waiting until his “feelings about you become clear” (which they never will). 
4. It will empower you. Although you have no control over his decision to break up with you or stop dating you, you can control what happens as a result of that decision. In fact, you are the sole person capable of "enforcing" the consequences of his decision. By hanging on and hoping to get him back, you give him all of the power. But if you force him to live with the consequences of his decision (i.e. making him live without you when he says "it's over"), you exercise your agency, your power. You seize what little control you can in the interaction. Although this probably won't change the outcome of the situation, it will go a long way towards bolstering your ego and self-esteem in the face of his rejection. You will transform yourself from someone who is pathetic and dejected in light of inevitable circumstances, into a person who exercises influence on the outcome of her situation - and her ex's situation. The added benefit (as explained in the other points of this post) is that by doing so you don't even sacrifice any of the likelihood that he will take you back - in fact, if anything, you increase it. 
5. It will make him doubt his future options. This is probably the most important mechanism at work in your attempt to get him back, and it will be powerful in proportion to the length of the relationship with you that he is ending. If you stay in touch with him in an attempt to salvage things, you will confirm his belief that he can find someone better (which is his implicit motive for dumping you). The longer you stay in touch with him after the break up, the more he will think "Hmm... if she wants me so badly, girls who are hotter and sweeter will probably like me enough to date me too. Why would I take her back when I know I could do better?” While he might not be so calculating as to have this thought explicitly, I absolutely guarantee you that this thought passes through his subconscious and has a profound influence on his thinking about the break up. And it will occur to him even if you aren't making an active effort to get him back, but "just" texting or calling each other from time to time. He knows you wouldn't stay in touch unless you were interested in getting back together - he knows being "just friends" isn't workable. But, if you cut him off, he won’t know whether or not he just threw away the best girl he could get, and that doubt is priceless in making him consider coming back to you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, in which I add a 6th point that I overlooked when writing this post originally. I also explain a lot more about the practical side of cutting a guy off - what to say, when is "too late," and what to do if he gets back in touch.

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Fifteen Red Flags in The Dating World

While none of the items on this list should be considered conclusive on their own, they all point in varying degrees towards "player" or "he doesn't like you enough," and should be recognized as red flags. Watch out for them.

You can be sure that he isn't interested enough, or that he is just trying to have sex with you, if three or more of the following are true:

1. He only invites you to go out with him to bars/clubs, or other places that involve drinking. If he liked you for more than sexual reasons, he would ask you to hang out with him in a normal environment that gives you an opportunity to get to know each other.

2. He contacts you sporadically, and often goes silent for days on end. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he will crave interaction with you. As long as you are giving him positive feedback when he contacts you, he will maintain or even escalate the amount of contact. A few guys know a little about "game" so his sporadic texts could actually be a poor attempt at attracting you; but men that use "game" tactics heavily are probably just trying to bang you anyway - so your conclusion will be the same regardless.

3. He is overly protective of his cell phone. For example, if you are looking at a photo, he will get up to stand over your shoulder to make sure you aren't looking through his photo gallery; or he will never let you hold his phone. Unless he has something to hide, there should be nothing wrong whatsoever with you looking through his photos or even his texts. Although you should never look through his phone when he isn't around, it wouldn't be a bad idea to see how he reacts if you try this in his presence (assuming you have reason to be suspicious).

4. He only contacts you by text or online chat. These forms of communication are low-investment because they don't require his devoted attention, leaving him free to do other things - including communicating with other girls. If you have what seem to be deep conversations but they only occur (for example) when he is chatting with you online while he is at the office, you should start to ask yourself questions and keep an eye open for other items on this list.

5. He frequently tries to escalate the relationship sexually, while making little or no efforts to get to know you personally. Guys who are interested in you as a person are probably just as horny as guys who have no desire to spend time with you outside the bedroom. But the guy who is also interested in your personality will curtail his sexual desire in order to avoid giving you the wrong impression.

6. He informs you where he is going, but doesn't invite you. For example, on a Friday night he might text you something like "I am headed to [bar name]" without explicitly inviting you, because his goal is to get you to come to him. This is his filter: if you aren't interested enough to come to him (and therefore more likely to get drunk with him and have sex), he will be free to try his chances with other slutty women.

7. He has never seemed nervous or uncertain around you, even at the beginning when he first approached you. Men who are really interested in a woman for more than her body will be careful about what they say and do around her. They might not be visibly nervous, but neither will they be ostentatious nor cocky.

8. He makes open-ended and non-committal plans with you, like "Let's hang out soon." or "We should get together sometime." Men who want to spend time with you will either have something in mind, or come up with a plan, even if it sucks: "Let's go see the new Disney movie - are you free Thursday night?"

9. He avoids going out to bars and clubs with you because he wants to hit on other girls. Excuses about "guys' night out" or "bro's before ho's" are likely just that - excuses.

10. He goes out to bars and clubs a lot. This is almost self-explanatory. Alcohol is the greatest facilitator of easy sex, and bars and nightclubs - although good places to meet men if you use them correctly - are also the only venues other than brothels that facilitate casual sex.

11. He won't spend his Friday or Saturday nights with you. I can't count the number of times I've avoided dates on weekend nights. Men do this because they want to go out to meet new girls, and Friday and Saturday nights are prime time. For a player, the prospect of something better always looms on the horizon. He is sexually ambitious.

12. He never goes out of his way to hang out with you. For example, he wants to hang out until he finds out that you live far away and then he loses interest or asks you to come to him. Or maybe he wants to watch a routine sports game on the only night you have free, so you have to push the date a week. If (what should be) minor impediments stop him from seeing you, you should be concerned.

13. He tells you that he isn't looking for a relationship. Believe him. It amazes me how many of the women who write to me for advice ignore such a blatant comment.

14. He makes plans with you at the last minute. He does this because he is keeping his options open, waiting for something better or more fun with a hotter girl. Maybe he texts you at 7 pm on Friday "Hey what are you up to tonight?" While rules about making him set up a date three days in advanced are quickly growing antiquated as the pace of life increases, the principle that he should like you enough to plan ahead still holds.

15. He doesn't explain any of the above. It is reasonable to think that some of the things above could happen occasionally for reasons other than his attempts to get other women, or his lack of interest in you. But if this is the case, he will make an effort to explain his behavior in order to maintain his reputation in your eyes.


Related Posts
1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
2. Men That Like You Will Explain Themselves
3. How to Deal with Men Who Have Bad "Game"

Men That Like You Will Explain Themselves

There are any number of signs that indicate a man's disinterest in you, or give away his attempts to sleep with other women. Maybe he goes out to a bar without telling you about it, or stops contacting you for a while. While in most instances these kinds of behavior reveal his true intentions (which have little or nothing to do with dating you), it is also true that in some instances there will be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened. Maybe he went to the bar without telling you because it was a last-minute thing with his coworkers and his phone had just died. Or maybe he hasn't contacted you for a couple days because his family just arrived in town and they've been together non-stop.

The difference between a guy that has a genuine interest in you and one who doesn't, is that the interested guy will give you a specific explanation about why he behaved the way he did, while the disinterested guy will give you a vague explanation - or no explanation. (An overly-interested guy will give a rambling and specific explanation with apologies interlaced between the details - but you aren't worried about how to spot men like this, you are more interested in losing them.)

Take the first example - your guy goes to a bar with his coworkers without telling you about it. On the one hand he might be out trying to pick up some new women, but on the other hand his phone might have legitimately died so he may have had no way to contact you.

Consider the range of explanations he could give you:

The Overly-Interested Man

"Babe, the company decided at last minute yesterday to have a going away party for Joe, and I'd forgotten to charge my phone last night so it was completely dead by the time we left for the bar. I had no way of telling you where I was; I'm sorry. I had to go to the party, too, because my manager was going to the party and told us all that he expected us to be there. Babe, I'm sorry, I would have called if I'd been able. I even thought about using Neil's phone to call you but I couldn't get your number off my phone. I hope you don't mind." 

The overly interested guy would continue to give obsequious explanations if you pushed him on it - but you probably wouldn't since you'd already trust him and not care much about where he was anyway.

The Interested Man

"Sorry about last night. I wanted to call you to give you a heads up but my phone was dead and my manager insisted that we all go to this impromptu going away party for Joe. It was at Bootleggers, downtown - cool place actually. We should go there next time we go out."

The interested guy would follow up his explanation with a little more detail if you pushed him on it, saying something like "Yeah I know it was dumb not to charge my phone, but then I was in that meeting I told you about all day today, so I didn't realize until we left for the bar that it was dead." or "No, I know it was weird, but I think my manager realized that Joe might be working for our clients in the future, so he wanted to send him off on good terms - hence the need for a good turnout."

The Disinterested Man 

"I went to this thing for work." 

Typically if a man is disinterested in a woman, she will be interested in him - so she won't push for more details because she'll be worried about upsetting the already-precarious relationship. But if she does, she is likely to be met with something like "It was a party for a guy who is leaving" or "Oh, it was nothing; don't worry about it."

This whole phenomenon boils down to the fact that, in proportion to his interest in you, he will be concerned with your opinion of him, and will want you to understand why he behaved strangely. 

It is worth noting that some men might need you to express your disapproval before offering an explanation for their behavior - men are sometimes oblivious to a woman's feelings. But if you express your disapproval or tell them (calmly and reasonably) that you were worried or upset, this should elicit a specific explanation for his behavior, not a vague one.

Finally, while it would be tough or even impossible to perfectly correlate his interest to the degree of specificity in his explanations, you can still use this principle by bearing in mind this range of possible explanation types, while asking yourself "Is this how a man who cared about my opinion would explain himself?"


Related Posts
1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
2. How to Deal with Men Who Have Bad "Game"
3. "Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

What You Should Know About STDs

If your parents or guardians haven't taught you anything about men, they've probably also neglected to teach you about your sexual health. Whether you are planning to whore yourself out, sleep with a few men you love, or only have sex with your husband, it makes sense to learn about STDs. Some are serious enough to pose a real threat to your well-being and others have enough of a social stigma that they are worth taking precautions to avoid. Over the years I've had a couple scares and near-misses with STDs, and have done a lot of research because of it. There is really no reason not to know the following:

1. In the U.S., you can safely assume that every sexually active guy you are having sex with has some strain of HPV. The CDC states that "At least 50% of sexually active people will have genital HPV at some time in their lives." A lot of these strains don't have symptoms, but some are linked to cervical cancer, others to genital warts. There is an immunization for women that protects against some of the common strains. If you are considering sleeping with a guy who has been sexually active, but haven't gotten this immunization, you are an either an idiot, reckless, or uneducated. Hopefully this post precludes the latter.

2. Any skin-to-skin contact in the genital region can transmit STDs - Herpes, HPV, probably some other shit too. A condom only prevents the contact of the outside of his shaft with the inside of your vagina. The rest of your genital area ends up touching your partner's, unless you are having really boring sex.

3. Bodily fluids do not need to be exchanged inside the vagina or mouth to transmit an STD. If he has an STD and his hand touches his penis, then moves down to fondle your clitoris or finger you - guess what? If you are having a threesome and he fingers the other girl (who has an STD), then puts on a condom with his unwashed hands, and bangs you while wearing it - guess what? You get the idea.

4. The term "STDs" collects into a single category several things that are hugely different. If you have until now thought of HIV and Gonorrhea, or HPV and Syphilis as the same general type of thing (i.e. something nasty you get from fucking around too much), you are hugely mistaken. Some can kill you, others are merely embarrassing. See #5.

5. A lot of STDs aren't a big deal. I got Chlamydia from the girl I lost my virginity to. In fact, it was transmitted the first time I ever had sex. This was because until shortly before then, I wasn't really planning on being sexually active, so I'd never bothered to educate myself. I freaked the fuck out when I started getting symptoms, only to learn very soon afterwards that it is completely curable, minimally annoying and has next to no health effects, as long as it is treated within a reasonable amount of time. I'd rather get it again than the flu. Other STDs are similarly mild, even if they aren't curable. The pictures you see when you search for information on STDs on the internet depict the extreme, atypical cases.

6. Men will fuck you even if they know they have STDs. I know guys who have done this. While to some it is abhorrent and unthinkable behavior, to others it isn't a big deal. While a lot of people could benefit from understanding just how minor many STDs really are, it is always easier not to get any if you can avoid them, and to do so, you have to look out for yourself. By not fucking random guys, you will eliminate the vast majority of men who are indifferent to your sexual health.

7. No one ever asks guys if they have STDs. Only one woman has ever asked me this before having sex, ever. She was older than me, and therefore probably more confident than other women. You aren't the only one who wants to avoid the awkwardness of asking, though there is probably some prescience in keeping quiet too, since the guys who have STDs but are still trying to bang you would probably lie about it anyway.

8. Women are more affected by STDs than men. The symptoms are often harder to detect, the effects are more severe, and the male-to-female transmission rates are higher than female-to-male. If you apply the same nonchalance to STDs as your male counterparts, don't be surprised when the effects hit you harder.

9. In the U.S., blacks have disproportionately higher STD rates compared to other races. This might be partially because blacks recognize the point I made in #5, and therefore take fewer precautions - I really don't know. Whatever the case, the statistics are unequivocal. Although it is unquestionably discrimination to judge a person based on the color of their skin, you can dramatically reduce your chances of contracting something if you do so. This point is not just directed at white people or Asians. Even if you are black it applies - by sleeping around within your own race, you will significantly increasing your odds of contracting an STD.

10. Men are less likely to date you if they know you have STDs. This sort of goes without saying, but you are far more likely to get sympathy or understanding from a guy who has slept around than from a guy who has not. Finding a guy who is (or was) a player might be your best bet. Although then you might need to be just as understanding about his STDs...

What Men Think About Your Sexual History

No guy wants to date a whore. No guy likes the fact that his girlfriend (or potential girlfriend) has slept with a lot of other guys. Most guys want women who are sexually comfortable and have some experience, but the same men simultaneously prefer a woman who hasn't been sexually intimate with other men. Consider an excerpt from the post Don't Fuck On the First Date:

...when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us have sex with her on the first date, it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

The reality, of course, is that it is extremely rare to find a woman who is (a) a virgin, but also (b) open-minded in bed, confident with her naked body, knows what a guy likes in bed, etc. For better or worse, the latter qualities are the product of experience, and therefore preclude the former as a real possibility. Men know this, and are therefore willing to accept some degree of a girl's sexual history in exchange for some degree of her experience: we actually prefer a girl that has had sex with X number of guys because it means she will have A, B, and C qualities in bed.

The idea trade-off will be different for every guy, but the extremes - wanting a virgin or a whore - are rare enough that they aren't worth striving for - at least not if you want to attract a typical American guy. If you want a very religious man, he will probably prefer a virgin and you should plan accordingly; and there are even guys out there that will actually prefer a girl whose legs have been perpetually open. The thing to remember is that your typical American man wants a girl with some experience, but less than most girls in her demographic. So when it comes to choosing how many men to sleep with, always lag what is deemed "acceptable."

While I don't claim that my taste in women is representative of the average American (I do think it is reasonably close), I can tell you that my preference is a girl who has had sex with between 2 and 6 guys. Ideally, one of these would have been a drunken one-night stand, and another would be with a guy that took her on a few dates, had sex with her, and then bailed (so that she would have these experiences to better understand men - even if only to pass the lesson on to our daughters if we were to marry). The rest would hopefully have been men that she was dating seriously. Remember, these sexual encounters are good in spite of not because of what they imply about the girl (i.e. because of the lessons learned and experience). And remember that this is only my preference; the bolded sentence above is the generalized truth.

Now, all of this being said, there are a few interesting things to note:

1. Promiscuous men will be lenient in their expectations. You may have encountered men who claim to have sex with lots of women, but in their next breath demand virginity from girls they will actually respect. This attitude is not the norm. Most guys project their own standards onto women, in the same way that women project their own standards onto men. While a guy who has slept with 30 women won't prefer the same number from the girls he dates, he will identify and empathize with her decision to sleep around, and will therefore not mind as much.

2. You can't change your number, but you can change your attitude. Men know that although being a whore is more or less defined by how promiscuous a girl has been, what really makes being a whore troublesome (STDs aside) is the attitude that accompanies it. This is the attitude that says "I don't place any value on my physical or emotional health" and/or "I am insecure and need to be shown frequent affection from men, or constantly prove to myself how attractive they find me." This attitude can be changed. If you are reading this and are getting worried that the kind of guys you want will be disgusted by the number of guys you've slept with, you probably have the necessary motivation.

3.  Don't tell him how many guys you've slept with. Some guys will ask and others won't, for various reasons ranging from interest to insecurity. If he asks, I suggest you leave him in the dark. If your number is low, tell him it is "low," but don't give him a number. If it is high, just don't tell him. It does no good whatsoever to share this kind of information, aside from being slightly more open with him - but the same openness can be affected in other ways. However, the bad it does is two-fold:

• It makes more real and concrete in his mind the sexual experiences you've had with other men. Instead of being some vague, notional set of guys you've rolled around in the sheets with, it becomes X distinct sexual encounters with real men, to whom you felt some physical or emotional connection, either of which may have been better than the connection you have with him.
• If you have changed your attitude as described above, telling him your number only serves to connect your new self more strongly to the old self that slept around. Keeping that tie severed works in your favor.

I suggest saying something along these lines if you are questioned:

"Really? You actually want to know? Weird. I am not going to tell you anyway, but why would you care? No good can come from that conversation. Think about it."

And then if it is appropriate, explain the reasoning I give above. Most guy won't freak out if you don't tell them, but you should emphasize the reasoning given here as your motivation for silence, rather than letting his imagination wander and concluding that you must have a number so high that it can't be spoken.


Related Posts
1. How to Look Good During Sex
2. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex with Him
4. How to Turn a Guy Down for Sex

What Every Girl's Mother Should Be Telling Her

I've been traveling and busy with other parts of my life recently, hence the shortage of posts. There are plenty more in the works, but for now, I highly recommend that you check out Hooking Up Smart, and specifically, a recent post that coalesces two strong pieces of advice for any girl looking for a lasting relationship:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/11/10/hookinguprealities/rooshs-brotherly-advice/

If you've read it before, do the world a favor by forwarding it to your sisters and girlfriends, because the odds are that no one else will pass along that information if you don't. It could conceivably change their lives.

The Upper Hand In Relationships

In a previous post, I made the point that before getting married, women usually get to have sex and relationships with guys that are "out of their league." This is due to the fact that men are more motivated by sexual desire and therefore lower their standards, at least until they decide to settle down.

Men have to work to improve the quality of the woman they can attract, while women need to work to maintain the quality of the man they can attract. Men are constantly trying to attract the best of the opposite sex, while women are constantly trying to stay with the best of the opposite sex. For a man, this means improving his character and appearance so that he is as attractive as possible to the women that wouldn't consider him otherwise. For women, this means improving her appearance and character so that she is as attractive as possible to the men who already want to sleep with her, but as of yet do not consider her for a relationship or marriage.

So while women usually date men that are better than the one they will end up with, men usually date women that are not as good as the one they will end up with. By "good" and "better" I am referring to the overall value of the person, which is a combination of many factors (good looks, personality, physical strength, fame, money, humor, intelligence, etc.). This rule is not absolute and is manifested in various degrees, but on the whole it is true. And more to the point here, it is the reason why women often feel that men have "the upper hand" in relationships. That feeling doesn't exist because men are dominant over women or have some kind of real advantage; it is just because men are strongly motivated by sex, and therefore get into relationships with girls they don't really care about - or at least, they get into relationships with girls who care more about them than they do about the girls, even if only by a small amount. In other words, men only have the upper hand because they have this tendency to play below their league.

"The upper hand" is usually touted as an advantage that men have over women, and in one sense this is accurate. Because men care less, they can afford to be more cavalier, knowing that the girl is more invested in the relationship and therefore more willing to tolerate behavior from him that she dislikes. But while the advantage is real in this respect, there are two important things women should know about it.

1. The man's "advantage" is one over which a woman has direct control. By not initiating, or giving it up easily, a woman can filter out the men that just want sex, and avoid investing too much emotional energy in dead-end relationships. This energy can instead be spent improving herself, and therefore her "league" or dating options. In fact, by the very act of acknowledging her own (current) limitations and not wishfully giving in to a man just because he is hot or rich or famous, a girl instantly and significantly increases her attractiveness. I've met a number of girls that I can tell would like to date me, but are also smart and confident enough to recognize and admit to themselves that I am not (currently) interested in dating them. These girls do not play into my attempts to have sex with them. I have a lot of respect for these girls, and respect matters when it comes time to choose a girl to get serious with.

2. The man's "advantage" isn't as great as it seems. A man's hyper-sexual mindset is not without its faults, but a couple of those faults are perhaps less obvious than the others. The first is that, while the desire for sex leads to the upper hand in relationships, and while the upper hand does bring with it a certain power, this power only exists because the man is playing below his league. A decent analogy is an 17-year-old acing the 5th grade. Sure, he gets straight A's and can dominate the little 10-year-olds in gym class, but his successes are hollow because he always knows he should be in the 12th grade. His victories serve more as a reminder that he is not reaching his potential than as a reflection of his true abilities. In other words, the upper hand - the man's supposed advantage - is necessarily accompanied by a state of perpetual dissatisfaction and a reminder of his underachievement in what is (for most men) the most important arena of his life. You can be sure he is both aware and unhappy about this, just as much as the woman is aware and unhappy of the fact that she has "the lower hand." It is a bad situation for both parties. The second negative aspect of the phenomenon is that getting a girl in your own league is a hell of a lot harder for a guy than you would think, because all of the girls in his league are busy fucking the men in the league above them, or yielding the upper hand in relationships to them.

As I said at the beginning, these are generalizations. There are obviously instances of women having the upper hand in relationships, and in these cases, since the roles are reversed, so are the effects. And as I also mentioned at the start, the phenomenon occurs in various degrees. In these cases, the effects described above occur in proportion to the discrepancy between the value or "league" of the man and woman.

(SWFJREPS9YNK)

Don't Initiate Contact

I wrote a similar post about not initiating contact after a guy breaks up with you. This is somewhat related, but deals instead with the beginning of a relationship. The underlying principles, however, are the same...

Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.

This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)

If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.

A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:

1. Making herself as attractive as possible
2. Making herself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with her from the men that want to date her

While there is a lot to learn about the first part of female game (optimizing attractiveness), there is just as much to learn about the latter part (filtering). Filtering is necessary because the men that a woman wants to date are a subset of the men that want to have sex with her, and by making herself more attractive to potential boyfriends she also is making herself more attractive to all men. Because I needed to practice my skills in PowerPoint, I've illustrated this with a Venn diagram:

As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.

A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.

I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.

Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.


Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness 

Why Men Send Mass Messages on Internet Dating Sites

It is no news to most girls that have tried internet dating, that men often send out generic messages to large number of girls. I recently gave online dating a shot for a few months, and saw a lot of complaints about this in women's profiles. They would end their self-description with a sentence to the effect of "If you are just going to send me a generic message that is obviously being sent to multiple other girls as well, please do not expect a response! :)" I have also heard girls complain about this in person. While I understand how girls would be less than satisfied with receiving what is essentially junk mail, I also understand why men do it.

First, let me clear up what I think is a common misconception. Women tend to assume that men use mass messaging to get lots of women, in other words, that they are internet "players" and are simply using statistics to get laid. There is some truth to this. In fact I know at least one guy that sends out as many messages as possible for this reason. However, the majority of men do not start with this attitude, and a man's use of mass messaging is not a good indication that he has adopted it either.

Men send out mass messages for a very simple reason: women don't respond frequently to sincere, personalized messages. In fact they almost never respond. I would estimate that in the three months I spent internet dating, my rate of message return was less than 5 %. If you consider messaging to be successful only if it ends in a phone conversation or date, then knock that down to 0 %. And I was messaging a healthy portion of girls that I wouldn't normally consider approaching in person, only because I got no replies on the messages I sent out to girls that I would approach. (As a point of reference, I would say that I have about 60 % success with girls I approach in person; so my failure online surprised me - after all, internet dating was supposedly accessible to anyone, regardless of shyness, etc.) But while my lack of success just caused me to give up on internet dating entirely and focus my time and energy back on meeting girls in person, many men that are faced with this situation persist and simply change tactics: they write a single message, which is generic enough to apply to any girl, and send it to every girl that looks good in her pictures. If they get a response, then they read the girl's profile and decide whether or not to message her back.

Most men don't want to operate this way, but when you are spending all kinds of time reading profiles and writing a personalized messages, only to get a series of "viewed profile" notices and an empty inbox, it is time to give up or change your approach. Mass messaging might not be the right approach, but it happens for a legitimate reason.

Don't Fuck on The First Date

You'd think that this one would be obvious, as hackneyed as the admonition is, but I’ve actually had some girls be genuinely surprised that we didn’t end up in a relationship after having sex with me on the first date. This "rule" is also a good springboard for addressing the general topic of female promiscuity, which has a huge impact on female attractiveness - whether or not it "should."

This is how it works: a lot of guys are looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, but most of us have also dated girls that have ultimately turned out to be less than what we were looking for. After weeks or months of effort, the relationship ends and although both parties may walk away having learned a few lessons, the time is largely wasted. It takes dozens of these attempts to meet someone that sparks a deep and genuine interest. Given those odds, and the amount of investment required to decide if any given female could be a girlfriend, fiancé or spouse, you can imagine the cynicism most men have going into a first date (I am continually surprised that I am not more cynical). If you couple this consideration with the intense pleasure of sexual intercourse, there is essentially zero chance that a man will refuse sex on a first date if he has the chance: sure, she could be “the one,” but statistically speaking, she probably won’t be, and it definitely isn’t worth turning down easy sex to find out.

Now, with that backdrop, when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us fuck on the first date it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

I completely understand and agree with the notion that women want sexual pleasure just as much as men, and I am aware that “giving it up” on the first date is not always giving it up so much as it is “getting it.” If that is your goal, then of course this is a different matter altogether and you are free to do that. But understand that it will not make you desirable to men. Men can do it and maintain (or sometimes increase) their attractiveness; women cannot. I acknowledge that this is holding women and men to a different standard, but in this case it is appropriate because men and women are different in this respect.

Men are built to be sexually promiscuous – or at least, we are built so that we can be sexually promiscuous. There is little risk for a man when it comes to sex: he doesn’t need to worry about pregnancy. Even if he is not using a condom, he can control when (and if not when, where) he ejaculates. As a last resort, he is able to walk away from the woman and leave her to deal with the pregnancy. This is a repulsive thing to do and no one denies this – probably not even the men who do it. But it can be done and it is done. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections have a significantly higher male-to-female transmission rate than they do from females to males, and the effects are worse for women than they are for men. There is also the factor of physical strength: if a woman goes to bed with a man she thinks she likes, she is far less able to then change her mind, for fear of rape. A man, on the other hand, has no such problems: sex for him is very low-risk. The result of this fact is that, historically, men have taken the offense in all matters sexual; we are the pursuers. Because we are more sexually liberated by nature, we seek sexual relationships more frequently. Historically the active role in relationships has fallen on our shoulders, while women have assumed the passive role. This is the case elsewhere in nature as well, for the same reasons.

It is only because Western culture in recent history has emphasized the equality of the sexes that some women see this dynamic in a negative light, and get upset about a double standard. The notion that a man should protect his wife and children, or that he should not abandon a woman he impregnates, or even that he should leave the toilet seat down when females are in the house; these notions are all rooted just as deeply in sexual differences, but because they don't place a burden on females, no objections are raised. Don’t get me wrong, if I were a woman I would be a little pissed off that sex was less socially acceptable for me than it is for a man. But there are balances to this phenomenon: women have far more opportunities to have sex than men, and thereby are able to have sex with higher quality partners. You won’t find many girls that have had sexual partners uglier than themselves, but you’ll find an endless list of guys that have – in fact, there is a contingent of men that usually only have sex with girls less attractive than themselves. This is a product of the same phenomenon: because men can have low-risk sex, women are far more in-demand for sexual relationships, and therefore have more and better options. Men may be able to get laid more often, or at least, with more partners; but women often get to sleep with men that are out of their league. It is a matter of quality versus quantity, and I think there is a lot to be said for both, to the point that I am not convinced that either one is an advantage – they are just corollaries of the same phenomenon.

A woman is judged negatively for having promiscuous sex because it takes no skill or effort on her part; all that is required is her assent. There will never be a deficit of sexually willing and attractive men from which she can select if she chooses. A man, on the other hand, has to work hard or be very lucky (or be rich, which is actually the product of the two) in order to get women of his own caliber into bed. This is because the women willing to have casual sex so are few(er) and far(ther) between. (Consider for a moment that no one respects a man who always sleeps with women that are way below his standards – everyone considers this repulsive.)

Some women will read all of this and think it is horrible and misogynist, while others will simply nod their heads in agreement. In fact, and perhaps unfortunately, which of those camps you fall into doesn't matter when it comes to the practical aspect of this phenomenon, because - opinions aside - the fact remains that men will judge you harshly for being too easy to sleep with. So the practical advice is simple: if you want a man to respect you, don't do it.


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