Sunday, December 18, 2011

What Men Think About Your Sexual History

No guy wants to date a whore. No guy likes the fact that his girlfriend (or potential girlfriend) has slept with a lot of other guys. Most guys want women who are sexually comfortable and have some experience, but the same men simultaneously prefer a woman who hasn't been sexually intimate with other men. Consider an excerpt from the post Don't Fuck On the First Date:
...when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us have sex with her on the first date, it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.
The reality, of course, is that it is extremely rare to find a woman who is (a) a virgin, but also (b) open-minded in bed, confident with her naked body, knows what a guy likes in bed, etc. For better or worse, the latter qualities are the product of experience, and therefore preclude the former as a real possibility. Men know this, and are therefore willing to accept some degree of a girl's sexual history in exchange for some degree of her experience: we actually prefer a girl that has had sex with X number of guys because it means she will have A, B, and C qualities in bed.

The idea trade-off will be different for every guy, but the extremes - wanting a virgin or a whore - are rare enough that they aren't worth striving for - at least not if you want to attract a typical American guy. If you want a very religious man, he will probably prefer a virgin and you should plan accordingly; and there are even guys out there that will actually prefer a girl whose legs have been perpetually open. The thing to remember is that your typical American man wants a girl with some experience, but less than most girls in her demographic. So when it comes to choosing how many men to sleep with, always lag what is deemed "acceptable."

While I don't claim that my taste in women is representative of the average American (I do think it is reasonably close), I can tell you that my preference is a girl who has had sex with between 2 and 6 guys. Ideally, one of these would have been a drunken one-night stand, and another would be with a guy that took her on a few dates, had sex with her, and then bailed (so that she would have these experiences to better understand men - even if only to pass the lesson on to our daughters if we were to marry). The rest would hopefully have been men that she was dating seriously. Remember, these sexual encounters are good in spite of not because of what they imply about the girl (i.e. because of the lessons learned and experience). And remember that this is only my preference; the bolded sentence above is the generalized truth.

Now, all of this being said, there are a few interesting things to note:

1. Promiscuous men will be lenient in their expectations. You may have encountered men who claim to have sex with lots of women, but in their next breath demand virginity from girls they will actually respect. This attitude is not the norm. Most guys project their own standards onto women, in the same way that women project their own standards onto men. While a guy who has slept with 30 women won't prefer the same number from the girls he dates, he will identify and empathize with her decision to sleep around, and will therefore not mind as much.

2. You can't change your number, but you can change your attitude. Men know that although being a whore is more or less defined by how promiscuous a girl has been, what really makes being a whore troublesome (STDs aside) is the attitude that accompanies it. This is the attitude that says "I don't place any value on my physical or emotional health" and/or "I am insecure and need to be shown frequent affection from men, or constantly prove to myself how attractive they find me." This attitude can be changed. If you are reading this and are getting worried that the kind of guys you want will be disgusted by the number of guys you've slept with, you probably have the necessary motivation.

3.  Don't tell him how many guys you've slept with. Some guys will ask and others won't, for various reasons ranging from interest to insecurity. If he asks, I suggest you leave him in the dark. If your number is low, tell him it is "low," but don't give him a number. If it is high, just don't tell him. It does no good whatsoever to share this kind of information, aside from being slightly more open with him - but the same openness can be affected in other ways. However, the bad it does is two-fold:
  • It makes more real and concrete in his mind the sexual experiences you've had with other men. Instead of being some vague, notional set of guys you've rolled around in the sheets with, it becomes X distinct sexual encounters with real men, to whom you felt some physical or emotional connection, either of which may have been better than the connection you have with him.
  • If you have changed your attitude as described above, telling him your number only serves to connect your new self more strongly to the old self that slept around. Keeping that tie severed works in your favor.
I suggest saying something along these lines if you are questioned:
"Really? You actually want to know? Weird. I am not going to tell you anyway, but why would you care? No good can come from that conversation. Think about it."
And then if it is appropriate, explain the reasoning I give above. Most guy won't freak out if you don't tell them, but you should emphasize the reasoning given here as your motivation for silence, rather than letting his imagination wander and concluding that you must have a number so high that it can't be spoken.


Related Posts
1. How to Look Good During Sex
2. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex with Him
4. How to Turn a Guy Down for Sex

127 comments:

  1. A woman who doesn't answer that kind of question better get used to dating the herbs becAuse no man with options will commit to a dodgy girl and alphas will assume it's high and downgrade her in the rotation to the last in line.

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    1. very true...she must be very embarrassed and ashamed.and knows that he can do better. she knows she would lose him so she has alot to lose. ditch a girl who wont say

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    2. She'll just lie. What's the point in asking if she has a high number and doesn't think he'll like it? I tell the truth, but my number is still really low. If it were higher, Idk if I would tell the truth or not... I probably still would since I'd want a guy who put more emphasis on the woman and partner I am now than the woman (or girl) I would have been when I was young, unaware, and noncommittal, the same way I would do for the man. I wouldn't want the relationship to be based on a lie. Still, I've known a. lot. of women who don't mind lying at all and feel that he doesn't need to know the truth. Whatever works.

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  2. Do you suggest not telling him in every case?

    Let's say I am seeing a guy I consider to be sexually promiscuous and tolerant. He seems to have a good way with women, although not traditionally good-looking, his number may be 30. We slept together first time we met, and he still likes me, so he doesn't mind so much (or he is willing to put up with it because I am more attractive, what do I know...). Say my number is 10. If he is the type of guy who's slept with 30 or more and would tolerate the same in a girl, would it not be ok for me to say 10? If I also have the suspicion that if I say "I don't want to say", he'll suspect it to be more?

    And do you think guys with many partners are just as uncomfortable with your previous partners, that they don't want to know who etc?.

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  3. I agree with number 3. Some of the men at hookingupsmart were saying that a woman must be honest. But, there are men that sincerely don't want to know and don't bother to ask as long as they know you're clean and loyal.

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  4. "Say my number is 10. If he is the type of guy who's slept with 30 or more and would tolerate the same in a girl, would it not be ok for me to say 10?"

    It would be better than telling your number to a guy with a low number (that was the point of #1), and if he really pushed you to know, I guess you could tell him. His number might be lower than you think.

    It isn't something you should absolutely refuse to tell a guy, since then he really will assume you have a high count. But follow my advice: start by telling him it is low (ten is reasonable I think), and if he pushes back, point out why it's a bad idea to tell him. If he still pushes back, I'd try resisting a little more, but then if he STILL wants to know, just tell him.

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  5. "And do you think guys with many partners are just as uncomfortable with your previous partners, that they don't want to know who etc?."

    I think this depends on the guy, but in general point #1 in the post applies: he will probaby be more tolerant of it.

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  6. If you're going to answer, give a real answer, not a dodge. A statement like "my number is low" says exactly the opposite to a guy like me. It makes me wonder what her definition of "low" is. "Low" means nothing without a frame of reference.
    If it were honestly a "low" number, she wouldn't be vague about it.

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  7. "(STDs and looseness aside)"

    So, you're saying here that women who have sex with a lot of men have looser vaginas, right? You know that's an urban legend, right? You can't stretch out a vagina like that. It's elastic. You can make it more flexible, and you can make it stronger, but both are kind of independent of the number of penis that have been inside of it.

    Also, why do you think it's impossible for a woman to have sex with a lot of men and be looking after her emotional and physical safety?

    Your view of the world and male/female relationships is far removed from my experiences, and so sad and narrow. It really does confuse me.

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    1. I have to agree with you here!

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    2. Right of course, because it's not like your view is going to be sad and narrow from the female perspective or anything. Sounds like Sarah's got the answers, because she feels free to judge

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    3. It's called a slut.

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  8. I have never told a guy my number (although it isn't that high, I've just never been in a situation where we have talked about such things...). I would never ask a guy his number - I'm too afraid to know, and I'm afraid he'd lie anyway.

    I am absolutely clueless on how many girls guys have slept with. I have been with guys who are good in bed and very charismatic, although I can easily imagine that the majority of women don't find them attractive. What is a normal number for a permanently single, average-looking but well off and nice 27 year old guy? I really don't know - I hardly know of a couple of other girls he's slept with. How do you have a clue on that, apart from when he's an obvious alpha or even a celebrity, where you can assume it's very high.

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  9. "So, you're saying here that women who have sex with a lot of men have looser vaginas, right? You know that's an urban legend, right?"

    Yeah of course I do but it's a funny one though, funny enough that I think it is worth perpetuating.

    "Also, why do you think it's impossible for a woman to have sex with a lot of men and be looking after her emotional and physical safety?"

    I actually don't - or at least, I am not convinced that is impossible for all women. But I suspect the exceptions are few and far between, and require that the woman have an atypical view of sex to begin with. I am not saying this is wrong; I am just saying that it isn't common enough to prevent gernalization.

    By the way, I am assuming your comment only applied to emotional safety, since I think it is pretty obvious why physical safety should be a concern to women that sleep around (STDs, pregnancy and rape).

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  10. I like Scot McKay's handling of this question as well, but from the other direction: http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Dreaded-Question&id=6612174

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  11. I disagree with no.3. If you want a relationship based on lies, withholding info and off limit topics then sure lie about your number or withhold it but You're gonna have to live with the consquences of that should it ever come out and it's going to be nobodies fault but your own.

    My personal opinion of the matter is that you must be honest about it and disclose the number as early as possible, within the first 3 dates as this gets the biggest problem out in the open to be dealt with as soon as possible.

    If the guy thinks it's too much then doesn't contact you again then you atleast know without having had invested 5, 10, 20 years of your life with that person if your number is a deal breaker to them. Also a lot of guys that find out their partner has lied to them about their number will either break up with them or never trust them again, so I would urge women not to withhold or lie about their number.

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  12. I just realized I really don't know how many girls a guy has slept with. You also said it might be lower than you think. I think a guy who likes to pretend he has a way with the ladies will lie if you ask him.
    Not that I ever ask. If he has ex-girlfriends, that's fine. If he has a great technique in bed, particularly with oral, you know at the very least there has been someone before you. But other than that I really don't know. I will assume it's higher if he's 25+ and has been single for a long time, is social and go out a lot. But I really don't know how to tell. There are player-signs when you're dating him, but other than that, is there any way I can know?

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  13. What if I'm a virgin? I'm 21, I would say a 7-8 on the looks scale, and have been playing it safe. This article actually freaked me out! Would most guys be understanding?

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    1. If you are still a virgin, the type of guys you are trying to attract will probably appreciate your abstinance.

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    2. Additionally, is there any other type of 'strategy' I should employ while looking for men to date, or do you have any advice for my situation? I'm probably in the minority of women who are "good-looking" and a virgin. I don't think I'm a prude, but in college it's hard to find a serious boyfriend, rather than a fwb, which is slowly becoming an issue. I've also had a few men straight up think I was lying about my numbers, which is ridiculous... and this issue is slowly eating away at my normally confident ability to date men.

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    3. I recently took a good-looking 26-yea-old's virginity. I'd known her for a couple years and tried banging her a bunch of times, but she finally decided she wanted to lose her V-card. She thought she wasn't able to attract men because she was virgin - that they were sort of "freaked out" when they learned about it. She wanted to get rid of her virginity to "fix" her dating problem. I am pretty sure I was one of the guys she thought didn't want to date her because of it. But the reality was that I wasn't attracted to her enough in a number of ways, mostly personal.

      My point here is that while a small portion of men might find your virginity odd, it isn't going to make or break their decision to date you. Rather than fixing your difficulty getting a boyfriend by going out and getting laid (not suggesting you were planning on it), you would do much better to correct some of the other things I give advice about on this blog.

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    4. "If you are still a virgin, the type of guys you are trying to attract will probably appreciate your abstinance."

      And no I'm the same way .For me they fake they do just to get what they want and then when the find out they say the cruelest things to me like you're gonna be that virgin cat lady because you're shy around guys hahahahaha I love how they think it's a joke...and that statement was coming from an ex boyfriend of mine.

      I mean really you think a guy's gonna be like that's great when he finds that out, maybe our parents generation would be but not our hook-up only generation rule in college...seriously...

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  14. I doubt that a confident man will ask how many men a woman has been with unless she starts behaving in a way that makes him think she slept around. For example, if she alludes to a friends-with-benefits relationship or shows approval for the lifestyle of a known slut, then the man might begin to wonder whether she's kind of a skank.

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  15. Women should not volunteer their numbers to the men they date. But if it gets serious and he asks, she should tell him and be honest about it. Because if she lies, the truth will come out. It always does.

    If he's going to marry her he has a right to know how many men she slept with. Full stop. She has an obligation to divulge it honestly. Full stop. Any woman who won't give up the number should be dumped.

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  16. What makes a woman pass over from experienced to 'whore'? Where's your limit (not than I'm planning to reach it..).
    Also, do you claim to have a clue how much a girl's number is? Because I think most men don't know. A friend of mine is quite promiscuous and made the mistake of telling her bf once and he was shocked - had no clue. If you think you have a way of knowing, what is it?

    Also - when is that post coming on how to find out about guy's sexual experience?

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    1. I think whore is a mindset more than a number. It involves having low self-esteem, seeking constant approval from men, being reckless with one's body and having no thought for the future. By experienced, I only mean having sex with a few guys - ideally men who the girl in question was dating and shared mutal feelings with.

      I have difficulty judging a woman's promiscuity in most cases - other than the obvious ones.

      That post might or might not happen. I've sat down to think about it a couple times and realized I have less to write about than I thought. I still have it on the list and will see what I can do to get it out.

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    2. I read some statistics from HUS and I was actually surprised, for example how a man with 6 sexual partners has had 'way more than average' partners.

      I don't know if guys think about this, but a lot of girls (like guys) stress a lot about being 'good in bed'. In the past years, there has been a lot of emphasis on MILFs and cougars. I was obviously influenced by young guys' opinions sa a teenager and it had me wonder if most guys actually preferred a whore to a normal woman.
      Now I'm mid-twenties and have had 8 partners, some boyfriends and some 'flings'. I'm fairly confident in bed and although I'd qualify as 'experienced' to the national average, my number is much much lower than most girls I know (when they're honest). When I was criticizing a woman to a friend (a woman who's 38 and has about 40+ partners, open about her promiscuity), my friend accused me of being jealous of her sexual experience and confidence.
      I still think experience matters up to a certain point, but from that it's compatibility and passion. Is there a part of most guys which assumes a slightly slutty woman will always be better in bed? I know for relationships you prefer, as you say, a middle ground, but purely sexually, is it common belief that slutty women will be better?
      Is the assumption that a woman is good in bed or her attractiveness the main factor in wanting to sleep with her?

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    3. I always assume a slutty woman will be better in bed. Not entirely sure what other guys think, but I'd suspect they think similarly. Usually the sluttiest women are not the hottest, though, which brings me to your other question - the main factor for most men I know is attractiveness, not her performance in bed.

      So when I see a slutty woman in a bar, I might think "damn I bet she'd be good in the sack, look at the way she is dancing" but then I usually keep moving, trying to find someone hotter and less trashy.

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    4. I remember reading somewhere that experience only plays a small part in how "good" someone is in bed. More of it is sexual chemistry/level of attraction to the person. Technique/pushing the right buttons plays a role, but sexual pleasure comes more from the mind. (It's why it's easier to masturbate looking at porn than staring at the wall!)
      - Sally

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  17. What if I genuinely don't remember because girls don't like to count their ex (I presume some men like to brag about it) , but that doesn't mean that I've slept with a lot of men, I don't do one night stands and I have only slept with boyfriends, I am reasonably certain that it is in single digit though. Should I start to count now and bring back old memories?

    Given a lot of the judgmental comments I see above, I must add this: guys, if a girl says she doesn't want to tell you, it's her right. Even if you guys get married (nowhere will the vow or certificate say you must divulge all your information and secrets to each other, aside from honor, respect, love each other.....etc) .

    I've met a guy who pushed it and I still decided not to tell him, for entirely different reasons: he seemed controlling and insecure. I use it as a sign to see if he is my caliber. I should mention I am not bad looking at all to an average guy. So please consider this: it could mean that she is COMPLETELY OVER with her ex and that her OLD FEELINGS are long buried and there will be no break-up sex for you to deal with. She is all available emotionally to get to know you. If you can't roughly make a quick judgment from how she behaves (if she is a slut, there will be signs), you are mentally not her caliber.

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    1. That's fair enough. I think you are right that if a guy pushes too hard wanting to know, he is probably insecure about it. Don't feed his insecurity. If you haven't counted and don't want to: don't.

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  18. How do you feel about 'talking about exes' in general? I've never really mentioned it in the early phases of dating, but I have been dating a guy who mentioned his relationship history early on and also asked if I just came out of a LTR. I haven't really had any LTRs before (I'm 21) and I'm not sure if he'll be inquisitive. I hope it doesn't ruin his perception of me (I'm not a slut or anything and I really want him to be my first long term boyfriend).
    Also, is it normal to keep up facebook albums with pictures of their time together /holidays together?

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    1. I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you don't dwell on your ex's. If he asks, just tell him honestly that you haven't really found anyone that you've wanted to date long term yet.

      I am more concerned about your second comment - you "really want him to be your first long-term boyfriend." I actually have a post half-drafted about this and maybe this will inspire me to finish it. When I hear people say things like this, it makes me wonder - what do you hope to accomplish by having a string of long-term boyfriends (which is implied by saying you hope he will be "your first")?? Think about that one. Why do you want that? In the meantime, I will finish that post to explain why I see that mindset or desire as a problem in the dating world.

      As for the facebook thing, I don't know if that is normal or not (haven't had a facebook profile in years). Seems kinda weird but maybe he doesn't look at or update his facebook often.

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    2. Maybe I phrased it a bit wrong (sorry, not English).
      I'm not saying I want a string of long term boyfriends. If I was with this guy for 2 years I could really see myself marrying him in the end, although it's way too soon to say if he's "the one".

      I will admit that like most girls I do feel a bit pressure to have LTRs before marriage. I have an older sister (27 and single) who's had a string of long and short term boyfriends (along with a large number of FWBs and ONS) and when I told her I'd ideally marry at 25, she said I was mad as I don't have any 'relationship experience'.
      I can honestly say I haven't met anyone yet whom I'd consider for LTR (I'm attractive, that's not the problem). Besides I've matured quite a lot since 18. But there is sort of a 'general opinion' that you're supposed to have several boyfriends when growing up.
      As I have high requirements for a partner, the fact that I like him so much means that he's someone I could see being with. But he had a 2 year long LTR before me, and I'm afraid he expects I have similar experience.

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    3. I am completely sure that no guy would be disappointed by the fact that you haven't had serious relationships in the past.

      BTW I did finish that post last night, so look for it soon. Given your latest comments I think you'll find it interesting.

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    4. Regarding the facebook thing: I don't have any photos of me with guys I've been seeing (I have pics with male friends, but quite few of those too). I don't know the 'courtesy' here, I looked through a few friends' albums to see if they have pics with their exes. Some do and some don't. I'd be interested to hear others' opinions on this.
      Perhaps he'll delete them eventually, but it definitely has me worried whether he's over her, even though he seems very into me.

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    5. If anything, I'd say the fact that he still has picture of her posted is a good sign, not a bad one. Because it is kind of an obvious move to take them down, the fact that he hasn't is just as likely to show his indifference towards he as his "no over her yet" feelings. If you pointed it out to him, I wouldn't be surprised if he said "oh, I do? Yeah I guess so. Forgot about those."

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    6. I am late to comment on this. But, about the Facebook thing, I think it's normal to leave up pictures of your ex on Facebook. Facebook is like a journal of your past... the pictures are just that - in the past. Don't worry about it. I'd worry more if he scornfully took them all down. Anyway... this was almost a year ago now... so if you happen to see this message let us know what happened with this dude :)

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    7. ok but how about those of us who don't have any exes (or pictures with them)? we're not going to feel jealous seeing yours?

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  19. PS: He uses his facebook often, so that's not an excuse

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  20. "I can tell you that my preference is a girl who has had sex with two to six guys. Ideally, one of these would have been a drunken one-night stand, and another was a guy that took her on a few dates, banged her and left her (so that she has these experiences to better understand men - even if only to pass the lesson on to my daughters). The rest would hopefully have been men that she was dating seriously. "

    So you are not against a future gf/wife having had casual sex in the past, it just the amount of it? Where does the line go from "useful experience" to "tolerable experience" to "whore"?

    Do you differ between "willingly" casual sex and being "pumped and dumped"? Do you care about her intentions? I know girls who sleep around (no strings attached) and prefer it, but I also know girls who have been occasionally naive (or even unlucky) when they were young and slept with a few guys at a time they weren't so good at filtering. Do they qualify as "ex-whores"?

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    1. I define that line numerically in the post, and I also talk about wiling vs. being pumped and dumped. And point 2 addresses your last question.

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    2. tell me something, Andrew: don't you feel like a hypocrite when you 'require' that a girl has never been with more than 6 guys when you say that you had sex with 'countless, maybe hundreds' of women?

      And what do you say about this quote: 'Agreed, as long as you make the guy feel like he's the best you've ever had, and that you are 'totally loyal to him, you're number doesn't really matter. '

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  21. Date men in their mid-late 30s if you don't want to deal with invasive questions like these. Only young and insecure men ask about numbers. With age comes experience and trust me, that experience is a breath of fresh air.

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    1. In my experience there are still plenty of insecure men in their mid to late 30s!

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    2. lets not forget us late bloomers. altho those are probably the ones you were talking about haha

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  22. I'm 34, my number is actually 1. I worry that guys think I'm lying. I didn't even tell my ex he was my first. I was 27, it's embarrassing. I watched so much porn before we do it just to act normal in bed.

    What do guys think about girl with too little experience? I'm average height and weight, rather fit, goes to the gym 3 times a week. And I look very young. I look young even for Asian. (Guys 10-12 years my junior had hit on me.) Would I seem stubborn or picky to have so little experience?

    If a guy told me he had just one girl, it would kill me more than saying "a handful". Because I would kept thinking, "Who is she? What makes her so special?"

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    1. Some guys love virgins, others don't (as I explain in the post). I don't think any guy would really hold it against you though; even if a guy prefers that you have a little experience, it isn't like you can't get the experience with him. I wouldn't suggest having sex just to increase your experience. Be confident about your number. If you act like it is normal (not that it isn't) then he will probably be fine with it.

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    2. By the time your next boyfriend asks you about (if he does) it you will most likely be pretty close. If he likes you already, no way he would see it as a negative. And if you tell him after you've already had sex with him, he wouldn't make assumptions about how "good" you are, because he will already know! I guess you were with the first guy long enough to gain some experience. You shouldn't worry at all.

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    3. PS. When you find a guy who is really deserving of a LTR you won't question his past relationships whether he's had 1 or 20. He should be honest about his past and make it clear that you're #1. If you feel insecure, it means somethings wrong - and it's got little to do with the number of his past girlfriends.

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    4. I don't know about this. I just found out that a guy who recently hit on me is a former porn star. I would say...that that is a deal breaker. Watch out ladies, there are some slutty men out there.

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    5. Googled him, and he was a prolific porn star. It's scary out there, ladies.

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  23. This probably seems like nit-picking, but I have to mention it nonetheless. I find the blog very well-written, logical and tough without being unnecessarily harsh.
    It surprises me a bit when you use the term "whore" though. A whore is someone whose job is to have sex for money. Unless she is a practicing prostitute, it doesn't matter what her partner count is - she still won't be a whore. I don't care if you use the term slut, slag or whatever. But at least it should be accurate. I've seen you use it several times ("ex-whore" etc.). As a very young girl with a low count, I can emphasize that it's not because I take personal offense :) I just think it comes across as name-calling (even a bit angry), and I associate that with men I know from conservative third-world countries who refer to all Western women as "whores" for no reason. It might contribute to women taking the post less seriously? If so, it's a pity, because I agree with the message.

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  24. You guys all need to watch chasing amy.

    This isn't about a woman being damaged goods, it's about guys feeling they might not be the best she's ever had. That's why men want virgins, she'd have no one to compare them to.

    Thankfully in my country, things are not quite so ridiculous.

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    1. Agreed, as long as you make the guy feel like he's the best you've ever had, and that you are totally loyal to him, you're number doesn't really matter.

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  25. I would argue context surrounding each of the girl's partners also should be accounted for. For example, I have had more than 6, but in no way would I consider myself slutty because I was in love with them and wanted a relationship. You cant help it if a girl has been played over and over again. Does that make her unloveable?

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    1. If a girl has been played over and over again, she isn't less attractive BECAUSE of it, no. However, she has probably been played over and over again (to some degree) because she has allowed it, and this is unattractive.

      Unless these guys were perfect actors and devious liars (all 6), you are partially to blame for being played.

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    2. Men are devious, most all want sex. It's not a girls fault if been played. She didn't. Know that the few men she has slept with were trying to play her. And you say,"...she has probably been played over and over again because she allowed it, this is unattractive." Why is it when men have slept with many women it isn't "unattractive"? You say that this occurs with women, but never men, this is because you are sexist. Most men are. But you should NEVER say that about women. THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE BEING PLAYED. MEN PLAY THEM. Not all men do this, but I can tell from you're apparent "experience" that you are one of the players, you will never be happy untill you grow up Andrew.

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    3. I don't disagree with the double standard, but I do disagree that women are to be held responsible for being played. Life is unfair and sometimes shitty things happen to you and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Men cheat on women who take care of themselves, have regular sex with them and are otherwise perfect wives. They are not to blame.
      If someone is screwed over in love, they have a hard enough time moving on and accepting the injustice, it's horrible that they are to be judged by future partners as well. I find this on par with third world countries shaming women for being raped.

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  26. I won't lie about my sexual history when pressed. However I won't bring it up either because I don't deem it to be very relevant to a situation where I'm in a serious relationship and we both love each other i.e. we love each other for who we are now, and not the person we both were in the past. I have had some one night stands and did not regret them because they were fun at the time.

    I understand people are curious about their partner's sexual past but I'd take a strong line of questioning as a red flag and possibly indicative of the man lining me up with his Madonna-Whore complex. I won't tell him my sexual history in detail (tact please) but the guy is going to have to have enough balls for his masculinity to cope with the fact I have a healthy sex drive.

    So going by what you said, if asked I'd tell a guy that my number is low. I consider 5 to be low (3 of which were serious relationships or going that way). I will probably not mention the threesome I've had unless he seems like the type of guy who'd be able to handle me saying that.

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    1. I know this thread is old but I was hoping you could tell me what city or state you were in when this was posted. Appreciate the help, thanks

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  27. I like this blog because it tells uncomfortable truths. And like it or lump it, it reflects how a majority of men will think. It can be annoying to hear but dating advice can be based on idealism, it has be based on reality. So feminism has not stopped us from fulfilling some of our evolutionary imperatives and is hasn't wholly eroded the unique qualities of being masculine or feminine.

    Andrew, I wanted to know what your general thoughts are on honesty within a relationship and how not to communicate with a man. I realise that this is quite hazy but I think it ties in with this post. People always emphasise honesty in relationships as a cardinal value but I think lines have to be drawn over how far that honesty extends.

    Something which has always puzzled me is the male ego. There are times in which I have upset men inadvertently because of not understanding how fragile their egos are (because men are always expected to be not as sensitive). For example, questioning the judgement or decisions a guy has made or telling one guy I was dating that another guy was flirting with me and tried to kiss me. Oh and times where I genuinely thought a man would appreciate my unasked for advice (turns out he didn't).

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    1. This is a late reply, but personally, I have enjoyed hearing that a girl I'm dating was randomly hit on (being playfully told), because it simply means she is desireable. OTOH, a guy trying to kiss you is crossing the line. If a guy has reached the point where he is trying to kiss you, then you were actively courting his flirtations rather than being flattered by his advances but shooing him away in a timely manner. Too many girls will do this for the validation, which is a deal breaker IMO.

      Just remember, you are always a reflection of your actions, whether conscious or unconscious.

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  28. What about what women think of a man's sexual history?

    When I first started dating my fiance, we had the conversation early on, because he wanted to be upfront since his dishonesty about his past with a prior girlfriend ended their relationship. He wanted to let me know he'd slept with 22 women, and one of them was still a good friend of his, and that when they were in college they had a "friends-with-benefits" relationship. He was 26 when we met and his number was 21. I was 22, and my number was 6.

    The only thing we fight about in our relationship is his skewed sexual history. After he told me about his "one" friends-with-benefits situation, as our relationship progressed and I found myself meeting more and more of his friends, I also found myself picking up on awkward interactions between him and his female friends. Turns out, the majority of those 22, are just girls he's friends with...still.

    As much as I have tried to develop mutual friendships with these girls and be non-judgemental about it all, there is always a white elephant in the room when we hang out with them, and because I am human, it is difficult for me to be around his friends whom I know he's fucked, because I don't want to be reminded of it. I have accepted that nothing can be done about his past, but when a girl your fiance has slept with cheerfully offers to help with any wedding planning you may need, I just want to put my hand up and tell them no.

    He acknowledges that this is hard for me, and because 90% of them were from a sports-league he played in, he quit the league. This makes me feel guilty, because it was something he enjoyed doing, and I actually played a season on his team with him, but there was another girl on the same team as us he'd been in a 4 month relationship with and I just felt so awkward. Especially, when she and I were having a conversation about our pets, and she started talking about her roommate's dog (my fiance also slept with her roommate, surprise!), and I didn't want to mention my fiance's cat because it was one she and him got together while they were dating. It just makes me sad a lot but at the same time, I don't want him to think he needs to rearrange his whole life and who he interacts with for me.

    Your post makes a lot of sense, but I'm wondering what advice do you have in a situation such as mine?


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    1. I am just a passer-by and I really feel for you. I don't know what to say except maybe you need to focus on the great things about him that made you agree to marry him. :/

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    2. I feel for you too,the most important thing to keep at the forefront of your mind is that he has asked you to marry him and he has chosen you, not one of these other ex gfs,FWBs etc to pursue a monogamous loving relationship with.He cannot change the past but by leaving the league he is reassuring you of his commitment to you.Work on creating great fun memories together and don't try to be friends with these girls if it doesn't feel right to you.

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    3. That's horrible. Doesn't he have any male friends because that's weird. There really needs to be better boundaries. This is uncomfortable for you, and inappropriate for you to have to interact with these people, and for him to, in my opinion. You should at the least tell him that it makes you feel very uncomfortable.

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    4. Did he tell you why the relationships ended?

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    5. Original Poster here...

      Thank y'all for your responses. I think I have stuck with him when a lot of women would find it impossible to be in a relationship with those circumstances, and I know he sees this. After any awkward situation, I would ask if he had slept with whatever girl and he would always say he hadn't. It wasn't until after we got engaged, that I asked him to come completely clean about his past. Turns out, he had lied numerous times about some of his friends he'd been with. With past boyfriends, I never cared or wanted to know about their past relationships, but with him, I now know too much, and I hate that I have reduced myself to feeling I need to know the 5 W's of it all. I don't think I could be with him if I didn't, though.

      He does have male friends, and some of the girls have slept with his friends, too, so it's all pretty friendcestual. Before me, the longest relationship he was in was for 6 months (the relationship that ended over his past) and the rest have only been 2-4 months, that always ended because he realized they weren't what he was looking for. That sports league was just a bunch of people getting drunk on Sundays and dressing up in crazy costumes, jello shots, bikinis, sliding into bases on a slip-n-slide, kind of stuff. The environment was centered around drinking/partying and there's a greater ratio of the unambitious, hot-mess, emotional wreck type people out there, than your take-home-to-your-mother-type, but that was where he was dating from, so his standards weren't being met and he was constantly moving on from one girl to the next. Since he stopped playing, he has lost touch with most of them, so it hasn't been as bad.

      He claims to be ashamed about it all, and I think right before we met he started to develop a bad reputation because he was dating from the same social circle. About 2 years after my fiance and I had started dating, one of my guy friends told me that when he and I first got together, he had "researched" him. I had no idea he did this, but my guy friend has always been protective of me. Apparently, he saw that he had 2 mutual friends with my new boyfriend on Facebook and they were both girls he worked with at the time, so he approached them and said his friend was dating this guy, was he a good guy, how did they know him, etc. They were both girls he'd slept with! Both working at a store with my friend! Freaking ridiculous. We live in a 250,000 population city, but it's like I can't escape all the connections and these weren't even ones I ever met. Anyway, they both said he was a good, nice guy, but to be careful because he would only date girls for a short time before moving on to someone else.

      So far, he hasn't moved on to someone else, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I do realize this and I try to focus on our future together. However, it just tears me up having to be reminded of people he's been intimate with. I really don't know if there's anything I can do other than just deal with it.

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    6. What do you like about him?

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    7. Your guy probably has committed to you in part because you have accepted all this stuff and been cool about it. But, if it's a problem for you you really need to talk to him about it BEFORE you get married. Asking him to give up his social circle for you is a LOT to ask. So - if that's what you want - you better bring it up ASAP. Could be a deal breaker.
      The only other option is to accept it. Hopefully he makes some effort to make you feel special, which should assuage your insecurities. In the course of spending the rest of your lives together, time will pass and these girls will fade away.

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    8. Marriage is for life. Your address is not. Move to a new city and leave this toxic mess behind. Problem solved.

      He may or may not be deliberately using his past as a way to intimidate and control you. Moving to a new city far away from his parade of exes is a test of his true self-confidence, not some frat-boy group based confidence. If he won't move, then you have the answer: he is still a boy; not a man worth marrying.

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    9. Was I the only one thinking 'only 22'?

      But of course, it is a much deeper issue if they are women that you meet in everyday life. Perhaps go to a relationship therapist together before the commitment? Sometimes it's good to talk about it and also with someone objective who can point out things you haven't thought of before? I know it has worked wonders for a couple who I know, and they almost broke up before (12 year old relationship).

      And Sally, please keep coming with your insightful pieces of advice. :)

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    10. yeah you're probably the only one thinking "only 22" lol. not judging, not judging, not judging.....

      i had a similar situation with a girlfriend where i was at about 3 and she was at 15 i believe. only she moved cities a lot and had cut ties with ex's. so really i had no reason to be upset because its not like i would ever meet or even know the names of any of them. which is good because i would've freaked out if i saw them around town.

      do what feels right. if there's love, it could be strong enough to get over this. unforunately for me it wasn't...

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    11. agree with Anonymous Feb 13 2013 7:28AM.
      fuck, that is a messed up situation. most guys don't shit so much on their doorstep (so to speak), if ever. elephant in the room? it is more like a social minefield with red flags, maimed bodies and skeletons all around. good luck, it will be needed.

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  29. You think you know women but you don't. You're that guy who tells another friend what to do in his relationship and competely ruins their love. And if you think girls don't get guys, then don't be a fucking hipacratical idiot and act like you know anything about women.

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  30. How would you suggest I go about the sexual history question? I am a 26 yr old virgin female. The most I have ever done is let 1 guy under my sweater. I want to wait until I am married. I get asked on lots of dates but just don't see people that long unless I can see that guy as my future husband. It seems lately I have finally let a couple of guys know about never having slept with anyone. These are guys I have spent a lot of time with. It seems to be a big turn on for them. In some ways I just don't want them to care & think that I am more valuable or somthing. I don't care what anyone else has done & I don't not have sex bc I think I will be better liked or whatever. I just believe it is the right thing for me. So how would I answer this question?

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    1. Well you've already told a couple of guys the truth and they seem happy about it.It sounds like those guys enjoy the fact that you are less experienced than them and they concur you are likely to be more submissive which can be a huge turn on for some men.They also might see you as something of a challenge.

      In terms of what you tell a man, its good to tell them your situation once they are your boyfriend.You don't need to tell anyone before that point. Men will push for sex regardless of a woman's history if they like her,thats their nature.You need to filter out men who want to bag a virgin from those that want to marry you.

      The other part is whether when you develop feelings for one of these guys you will actually be able to hold off having sex because having sex with a man you love is one of the most pleasurable experiences possible.Try to stick to your guns if losing your virginity before marriage would devastate you.

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  31. I am a young girl (20 years old) who lost her virginity at 15. My count is now sitting at 30. I know looking at this many people are going to be disgusted. However, I would not consider myself slutty. I have had a few flings and boyfriends and I occasionally go home with someone at the bar. But does it make me slutty that I party once and awhile and like to have fun? Or is that the mindset right there that makes me a slut?

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    1. That sounds pretty "slutty" to me, though I understand that you aren't out there chasing men and trying to get dick left and right. You don't feel like a slut in the sense that you are dirty or sex-crazed. And in that sense you aren't a slut. BUT, your count is very high for someone your age.

      Like I said in the post, you can't change the count but you can change your attitude. Stop now and spend some time (perhaps with a therapist) trying to understand why you feel the need to sleep with so many men. Usually this is indicative of an underlying emotional difficulty - maybe an absent or abusive father.

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    2. "Stop now and spend some time (perhaps with a therapist) trying to understand why you feel the need to sleep with so many men. Usually this is indicative of an underlying emotional difficulty - maybe an absent or abusive father."


      This is the original poster.
      I'm going to agree, I think that would probably be best. I've just never really thought of it that way. I am depressed so maybe that is an underlying factor as well. Thank you for your reply.

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    3. And dare I ask, what is considered a "low" number in today's society?

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    4. Can't find the link, but in the USA, the average is 8 sexual partners and the median is only three (!). This means that there are some sluts out there driving the average way up.

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    5. Starting at age 21, I slept with 25 (I think) men before I got married at age 30. My husband never asked me "how many" and I never told. But he knows I was promiscuous in the past. I am an attractive woman, so the comment about attractiveness meaning not good in bed would not apply to me since I am a pretty energetic lover. But the comments related to having emotional problems that lead to promiscuity do apply to my past. About 7 years before I married my husband, I made a decision to stop sleeping around. By the time I met him, I'd also decided to only go out with men I could see myself marrying. We're going on 21 years together now.

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    6. Yeah, that is pretty high, but I've met girls with higher. But seeing as you started at 15, it's not surprising in this day and age. Understand though that it doesn't make you a bad person. I was older than you when I started, but I'm willing to bet that the first guy I was with was much like a lot of the guys you were with. You were probably just as unsure of yourself as a typical 15 year old, and just ran into guys who were willing to take advantage of that quality, and you wanted some guy to care. Since I was older, I was able to learn very quickly from that one experience, but had I been that young, Idk how it would have unfolded.

      Now, if you are truly having fun now and can honestly say that you don't feel bad about your sex life as it is, then I would just say be safe. If not, then I'd say take a step back to figure out what does make you feel good about yourself and your life. I think that the most damaging aspect of a girl having a high number has more to do with the judgements and shaming from other people on the OUTside rather than from the INside. If it wasn't viewed as "bad" by so many people, then girls wouldn't feel "bad" for it. Years ago, Beyonce and Madonna would be considered "whorish" rather than being exalted. Today, they are revered, because society has a different attitude.

      So long as you are happy, don't let anyone make you feel bad for your choices if you are not hurting anyone, yourself included. And if you are not happy with your choices, then stop and do things differently. Anyway, I just thought it might help you to know that someone doesn't find you or any of your choices disgusting in any way since I have literally NEVER once seen the point in judging anyone, man or woman for having slept with a lot of people, especially if they are good and loyal people who were single at the time and SAFELY sleeping with other willing single people, and therefore not hurting or deceiving anyone.

      One of my good friends used to be a call girl. She was going through some stuff though that started when she was about 14 with meeting the wrong person, and she's got things on track now, and has been a super sweet and loyal friend to me since day one. She even started crying once and thanked me for not judging her. And it's upsetting to me that there are people who will never know how good some people are because they won't allow themselves to get over their past, which everyone has. Especially since the ex-escort got exploited and taught to be a certain way by someone older when she was too young to stand a chance. Yet everyone will still judge her since that's easier than digging deeper.

      At the end of the day, you're human, and your sex drive is high, and being female doesn't change that or make it "bad", no matter how unrealistically some men want to view females in comparison to themselves. Different people view sex differently at different stages in their lives. No one should be judged more harshly because they used to have sex with a lot of people than if they used to drink in excess, or whatever else. So good luck to you Anon :-].

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  32. No offense, but yeah that seems a bit promiscuous. You can party and not necessarily have go have sex with a new guy every other weekend. What do you think you're doing to your ability to bond with a future husband through sex? Also, down the road do you think any guy is going to consider you wife material if he knows you do that? Guys are wired to want sexual loyalty more than girls are. He does not want to worry about running into other guys who have slept with his wife before him. And the higher your number is the more likely that will happen. But hey, recovery is everything. Just because that was you in the past doesn't mean it has to be you now.

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  33. numbers only mean anything when they cause symmetry. beauty is no random number. my check book, filled with numbers is nonsense without a balance and a reference. most men and women need a fucking clue. who do ya love and i will tell you who you are. otherwise you are a number or perhaps my love.

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  34. Honestly people it doesn't matter, if you have strong relationship its okay to disclose these numbers. If that person really cares they will understand. SeX is only a number unless you treat it with care . I'm still a virgin and my girlfriend isn't , I really love her and would have sex with her in a drop of a hat. Even though I'm not her first guy.

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  35. How many people have you slept with, Andrew? Do you ever reign in your impulses to not be unattractive to future women with wife-potential because of your count? 10 is about the number for a man after which a deep trust that he could be happy with one woman for life- a trust that I need- would start being undermined. 15 is a deal-breaker for me. An additional reason is that I would feel interchangeable and sex is such an intimate, important part of a relationship to me- feeling interchangeable would not be okay (not to the degree of policing porn, say, if I felt truly loved and desired... but 15 would be too much). But I've slept with one person, been to third base with about ten (in mid-twenties), and a permeating trust is paramount to me. Maybe such guys end up with more experienced or less sensitive women. I don't see how a many who could be a great boyfriend or husband could have a high count. Moderately high could indicate being, you know, having a healthy sex drive and being good with women, but high indicates to me placing a low value on serious relationships and sex with one person who you feel really close to. It's a judge of future relationship stability and his need for love and intimacy as well as a nice bum to fondle, excuse my crudity. This isn't much of a question, really, more like a diary entry, me thinking about being in "the game" and what I'm looking for.. BA lot of people go on tangents in these comments, it seems... But, comment: Men's numbers can be informative and important to those of us who need trust and love to really open to someone, including sexually. ... Too low, though, and he's probably a worse lover...

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    1. Well.. I really try not to be judgmental, so this is hard for me to say... But I kind of agree. A guy who has had sex with a lot of women does seem to view women differently in a way that makes me more wary of seeing any of them as serious prospects for LTR material. I don't want a virgin, but I also don't want Hugh Hefner's watered down protegee. Lol. Because of the already promiscuous nature of men and their desire for variety sexually, I just kind of assume he's going to be less likely to want to settle down with just one woman, no matter how great she is for him, not to mention even more likely than other guys to cheat later if problems arose. Some guys are like "Stacy Jaxx" on "Rock of Ages" or Brad Pitt in "Troy." He's got raw sexual appeal, so he seems like he'd be great for your one-night stand if you wanted to have one. But no matter how much he tried to convince you that he wants to be with you, you can't help envisioning him saying that to all the other girls he's pursued before you, and bragging to his boys about it later.

      No woman wants to be reduced to some guy's bedpost notch if she wants more. So, while I wouldn't judge him as a bad person for it, I would probably steer clear since I don't want to be his next pump and dump (or the next chick in line for a serial monogamist who has several short-term relationships to rack up his experience) while he's out on the prowl. So, I guess for guys, it's more about male ego and possessiveness to a degree so that they know that not too many other guys have been with their girl, while for women it's more about fear of marrying a man who views us so much as pieces of meat to be sought out and conquered that he can't ever truly be open and committed in a life-long marriage with one woman. Non-promiscuous girls tend to want to MARRY non-promiscuous guys, unless they are in that group of girls who feel like they can "change" a man's ways. However, I would make an exception if he has long since left that life of boning lots of random girls behind. Still, at the end of the day, none of us, man or woman, knows who's telling the truth unfortunately :-/.

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    2. I'm really glad to see there are girls like this too, being a guy who feels this way. I think people value sex and view promiscuity in different ways, and I think its true that because of that promiscuous and non-promiscuous people tend to gravitate to their similar kind.

      Altho being a late bloomer myself, there has sort of been a push to want to "catch up" now that i finally have the confidence to do so. i think that that will happen naturally tho as i tried to find a relationship i enjoy rather than just aimlessly sleeping around. however there's a worry on my part that i'm just going to keep meeting people who have high numbers and dont understand why i'm inexperienced. as if that makes them a better person or something? i don't know.

      i wish every tv show, movie and song didn't glorify sex as nothing but a cheap thrill like it was a drug, but who am i to judge, i just sucked at "gettin any" before so what do i know haha. maybe i just know too many promiscuous people who were dicks to me for not being that way and i assumed they all brag about it.

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  36. Ugh this blog post makes me so angry. How is a woman devalued because of the number of sexual partners she's had. Why aren't men devalued in the same way? There's no way I would take a bar of anything from a guy that judged me on my sexual partners.

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    1. Because men and women are different, especially in regards to sex.

      Try to recognize that being equal overall (as the two sexes are) does not mean equal in each and every individual way, and it certainly doesn't mean they are the same. If the sexes are different in ANY way, it makes sense that it would be in a sexual one, since that is the way in which we are most different.

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    2. @Liria - Just lie about it. I never tell men the full truth about my dating history. That will forever be a mystery to them.

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    3. I agree. My count is around 40 (I'm 35/unmarried), anytime a man asks me this question they get the same answer- 7. Seriously it is none of their business anyway.

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    4. I'm female and I disagree with completely DISAGREE about lying about your number. If it's just a one night stand you're having, and you don't want to tell him, AND you've both been tested for stds, then that's one thing (although, I still say honestly is the best policy) but if this is a guy that you're seriously considering for an ltr or marriage, and he has the same intentions, then I'd say he a right to know. A person's sexual history is not trivial insignificant aspect of their life. It's important, and is completely deceptive to flat out lie about how many guys you've banged. You're sexual history can adversely impact his health, and if you've contracted stds, then can limit your fertility. So your sexual history also affects how many, and even if he'll be able to have children with you, not to mention their health as well! If some people know that they're going to be ashamed or embarrassed about the number of partners they've had, then why don't just be more careful and limit who they bang, so they don't feel like they have to deceive potential partners later on.I'm just curious to know if he lied to you about him already having children from several different women, because he's slept around so much, or maybe if lied about his financial past, and you later found out he has horrible credit and is severely in debt, and when confronted told you "it's none of your business," would you honestly accept that?

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    5. a couple of you ladies just answered your own question:

      why do men judge? because you feel you have to lie about it. clearly you aren't proud of it. see how far your relationship goes when you start lying right from the start.

      and for the record men SHOULD be and routinely ARE devalued for it in the same way. where do you get the impression they aren't? what city/social group have you been hanging around where this double standard is still such an issue? you have every (if not MORE) right to judge him the same way. if someone doesn't approve of casual sex and sleeping around they clearly have different values from you, how about some respect for people?

      these responses make me so angry because you think if people don't view sex the same way as you they deserve to be lied to and misled. this isn't college anymore, grow up.

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  37. I only seriously date virgins, despite being promiscuous myself. You can have your cake and eat it too if that's what you want. Don't have to make concessions for any woman if she doesn't check all the boxes on your list.

    Sounds harsh, but women judge men the same, so don't feel too guilty.

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  38. It is fresh to see this regarded as warranting open discussion. Most people I would suspect are ashamed of what all this says about their own level of insecurity/capacity for jealousy, so this supplies a nice breather. One of the upsides to a future microchipped populace is that any such embedment will be able to communicate with any other chip in proximity, recording details of previous encounters in terms of number, duration, identity, intensity, affect and so on. Conversation on the topic will be obviated and any potential partner running contra to preprogrammed parameters pre eliminated from contact. Sounds good don't it?

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    1. oh my god that actally would solve so many problems

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  39. if that's something girls have to hide from men why do they even sleep with guys at the first place!? I don't understand why they keep having sex when it's obvious that unlike men big numbers will only decrease their value. I have no clue why almost all girls out there still keep doing things they will need to lie and hide from their love.. If they sill want to have sex regardless then they should be responsible with their choice and action and should be able to confidently, proudly tell the truth to anyone, can they not?? Tell me someone I don't understand!

    I married my husband as a virgin, as being a human it's stupid to knowingly commit doing anything that I will need to hide(lie)...
    Nobody steals a ice cream bar from a store unless they want to be busted coz everyone knows the consequences, right? isn't sex the same ?

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  40. That's what I don't understand about women, they dont seem proud of the number of men the sleep with nor are they proud of one night stands, at least most of the women I have talked to. I say sleep with whomever you want to but dony be afraid or embarrassed to own it.

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  41. I think that this subject should also include "same sex" encounters, multiple partners @ the same time, etc. I think this type of stuff is actually more important than the number of past opposite sex encounters, normal sex.

    I remember I was once reading a chick's profile and she had forgot to update it completely & it wasn't making any sense until I realized that she had written it looking for another chick, but then switched to looking for guys. I also had a discussion with an ex gf once about this same topic, (not intentionally, it just sort of came up).

    Any way, always good to know if your gf or bf is going to switch sides,or want more lol although I'm not sure the answers would be as forthcoming.

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  42. ladies!! lie about your number. I am 23 years old and have had sex with 30 different partners, so what. Yes a little high- filled with one night stands, flings, friends, it happens. What a way to live and learn, seriously this blog is making me sick because its shaping out to be the reason why the relationship between women and men don't work out is ultimately all the ladies fault!

    I like to have sex, i think its very good for my health. Argh, if we keep listening to Andrew all we are going to have left is good posture, a nice pair of heels, and no "haha" in any of our texts.

    You can play by the rules of this blog --- but once you get close to somebody the real genuine self is going to come out. You know that person? The person who has accomplishments, likes to drink hard liquor, slightly sarcastic and your man is going to realize that he is actually dating a human and not some fucking clear cover case.

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    1. If you lie, just be sure to use the same number every time. If you're inconsistent with your number, you're fucked.

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    2. exactly... its not a lie if you believe it.

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    3. Anonymous chick is funny. And partly right.

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  43. Anonymous chick is funny. And partly right.

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  44. I was going out with a woman in her early 40s (divorced 10 years previously) and would never have thought to ask her number except she kept talking about past lovers and even showed me a file in her computer entitled "Beaus" with photos of some of her ex's. These included ONS, FWBs, blind dates, internet dates, toy boys (one was 17 years younger and it lasted a year). She told me how she got pregnant at 17 to the school quarterback, how she used to go to bars and do a quick lap to check out who she was going to spend the night with, having to do the "walk of shame", and how one of her previous long-termers (the toyboy) used to get angry with her flirting with other men. When I told her I was uncomfortable with the way she used to look around, even in shops, to see who was looking at her in her sexy clothes and heavy eye makeup she replied that she couldn't help it if men were attracted to her and wanted to flirt and I just better get used to it. Finally my curiosity and imagination could stand it no longer. And then the games began because, after all this talk about her past and how men were attracted to her, she suddenly went coy and said I didn't want to know. It got so bad that I used to imagine her lying naked on the bed with her legs apart while a long queue of naked men waited in line for their turn. One day she broke down and said the number was 35, but I knew she was lying. When we finally and inevitably broke up, acrimoniously, she taunted me by saying there had been "hundreds" but by then I didn't know what to believe but was also beyond caring. She used to say sex was empowering for her. She also used to say her father waa a jerk, and how he had been absent from her childhood building his business and being a strict disciplinarian when he was at home. It took me a while but I finally figured it out - and I actually felt sorry for her.

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  45. The idea everyone should understand is that men and women are not EQUAL! I'm not talking about skills or intelligence, but about nature and biology. Men and women are suppose to complement each other and not to be the mirror image of the other. No matter how much we would deny it we like different things, we want different things, we aspire to different things. Yes there are powerful, independent women who can be " a man of their own" just like there are emotional men. But they are only a minority.

    But for all the feminists around here let's assume men and women are equal. Then when you go in a club, and meet an physically attractive man- you have sex. You don't know him. He doesn't know you. The only thing you want is sex. The only thing he wants is sex. He is basically no more different than a mean for you to obtain pleasure, a more fun vibrator, an object. And you are an object to him.

    When you end up having a huge number (you know if your number is huge or not) is obvious that they weren't all LTR, that most men you slept with you didn't really knew. That you treat them like objects, and not even bothered to wait to see if they like you as a person or not, therefore letting them treat you as objects to. When you tell a guy you treat most men like objects, why would he stay? Why would he want to be treated like that?

    Most men I've talked agree with the fact that sex with feelings is far better than sex without. Why do they keep having one night stands? Because they are single, because sex with a woman (any woman)is better than sex with your hand, because the woman is offering and who are they to say no and if they do another will say yes anyway.

    The idea the author tries to highlight, I think, is that is nothing wrong to enjoy sex, to like it, to want it as long if you are in a relationship with a man you do know and trust. If you treat men like objects they will treat you as one too. Experience and pleasure can be obtained in LTR.

    Lying or hiding shows that:
    1) You are ashamed with yourself.
    2) You don't trust your partner loves you enough.
    3) You don't trust your relationship will resist. If love is true it will.

    And finally, as a girl I do judge guys with long numbers. Once a guy told me that he didn't remembered with how many women he had been with. Please, I wasn't born yesterday. You don't remember only if you slept with so many people you lost count, or if every time you did it you were dunked or drudged. In either cases I don't want you in my life.

    I know it's said a guy should have experience and stuff, but for me personally is a major turn off. Why has he got so many? What is wrong with him? Is he unable to commit? Doesn't he want to commit? Is he a cheater? Does he gets bored easily? No one, but no one wakes one morning saying from now on I will be different, not without something BIG happening to them. I'm trying to accept my partner, not change him. I wouldn't want someone to try and change me either.

    For the women not understanding this article, ask yourself: DO you want a womanizer? Do you want a man who slept with half of town?

    Equality is a two way street bitch. Just because you want a guy with tons of partners, doesn't mean every woman wants one. If you are equal with men, and men are proud with their numbers, then why hide yours? Be proud with it. If you aren't, you are an equal-wannabe ashamed of herself.

    Remember:
    1) With great power comes great responsibility.
    2) Treat others like you'd want them to treat you.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry if there are spelling mistakes. English is not my first language.

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    2. Men and women are equal, but not the same.

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    3. Elena great statement.

      going off on a tangent here: "no man wants to date a whore"

      how to define "whore"?
      a) woman who has passed a certain threshold of sexual partners, regardless of committed to them or not
      b) woman who has a low number but gives sex indiscriminately to fwbs in on/off casual relationships (men with likely higher SMV) with hidden agenda of eliciting commitment from one of them

      which one is closer to ringing true? it has been said that men pursue sex to a similar degree that women pursue commitment - BUT it doesn't make sense IMO, since less and less I have seen females actively pursue commitment from men they are involved with.
      thoughts?

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    4. http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/turns-out-women-have-really-really-strong-sex-drives-can-men-handle-it/276598/

      this is why women sleep with multiple partners.

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  46. Well I'm fucked so.

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  47. Ok - so here's an interesting situation. I'm with a woman who's had 400 guys. We talked about her past "sex-capades" but I only found this very high number out recently, and, was a quite shocked. We both love each other. She is 38 and I am 56.

    I have been with 10 woman; mine have involved 2 marriages - one that spanned nearly 25 years but ended in divorce, and, it was a sexless marriage for over the last 15 years(don't ask why it went on that long).

    Her longest relationships she claims - have been long in years but realistically I think the longest of her "2" marriages (and a few other LTR's) lasted maybe 3 or 4 years. Her sexual experimenting went on from age 14 thru about age 26. She cheated on her 1st husband because he cheated on her and it just escalated. [Her ex is a real asshole - he even sexually molested their daughter (sexual intercourse) when she was 11 and still go away without being put in jail! Yes - unbelievable but true! If I told you what city you'd understand.]

    We've been together for nearly a year and what is bothersome to me is her sex drive is low (affected medical conditions) - but it was not what side of her that she showed me when we were dating! When we first started dating she was all hot and bothered over me, but now I struggle to get past intercourse 1 maybe 2x a week.

    I could go a lot more, and, her told her that sometimes I want it everyday - that she should be so lucky that I lust after her and am so attracted to her. But she struggles with like I said getting to even 2x. I felt like she demonstrated to me that she was into being sexually active but no I feel like I'm married again and going down that same sexless marriage path, and, I don't want to go there, and I have told that is the way I feel.

    We openly talk about our sex, my needs and hers (she said 10 quality times in a year would be fine with her - she just told me this last weekend and I was shocked!). We have talked several times on this subject but it struggles to improve. Other things in our life are going okay.

    We are separated by 17 years ... I am in my mid 50's. I love her a great deal but am really having a hard time struggling with the sex drop off and really feel this is an important part of any couple's relationship - the intimate sexual relationship is the glue - the closeness that couples need (IMHO).

    I want our relationship to last - yeah her 400 priors bother me some but I am trying hard to look past that history but I am a normal male with a very decent sex drive and I am in super physical shape, and, want it more. I am willing to give it another 6 months, and, I hope it improves but we'll have to see. I read a lot about sexual information and questions online but she is unwilling to do that kind of information research and reading (even if I find the articles).

    She thinks that it is meaningless - that you can't schedule sex, and, that it has to be spontaneous. She has 2 kids, and mine are both out of the house. I have even told her that I am tired of the one initiating sex all the time (and I get frustrated being rejected !!!), and, that she needs to start lusting after me a lot more - even though she tells me she loves more more than anything else in the world. So I have really opened up verbally to her and told her where I was at with our sex life style, and, lack of activity. I sure hope it changes. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts or insights.

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    Replies
    1. I really want to believe you mean 40 but typed 400 by mistake, TWICE! -_-

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  48. Come on. Most girls can learn to f*ck decently only after several times, no need to have dozens of men for experience!

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  49. Men have been brain washed to not want a virgin in this society. Look, experienced girls are great for girlfriends for obvious reasons, but name one reason to marry them. Sex with gfs is at least 10x better than a wife because it never gets old. If they don't please you just breakup and find another.
    Some poster claim sucessful marriages, but seriously, what are the odds if both lives to average of 80 plus--that's an average of 55 years of marriage.
    Current statistics are skewed by old folks who stayed true to one partner. Real divorce rate of our generation will be much greater. And today's divorce screws the man, especially one with means. So really, marry a virgin. Serial gfs for the rest.

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  50. Most men are imbeciles. I would much prefer a girl that's been around provided she's trustworthy. Means she has a high sex drive like myself.

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  51. I have dating sluts and "former" sluts .. and for self experience: Never get into s serious relantionship with a non virgin girl, never. You will pay a very very high price... from divorce, to std, to honor. Want to pay to see for yourself? I wish some older friend told me when I was teenager... But I used to be pround and arrogant, as +90% of teens

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  52. Golden rule: never tell your partner your numbers and never ask for theirs.
    Personally I don't really care how much partners the guy I'm with had, if he fulfills my needs in a relationship.
    And all of these rants how women are secretly ashamed of their numbers, if they refuse to reveal them, are just dumb - in most cases they don't feel bad about the fact itself, yet they just know they will be judged: called sluts, compared to statistics and etc.
    Those preaching for virginity should definitely think of their ego issues - just admit you can't stand the idea of being compared to someone else or that you're not the first person that your significant other cared about throughout life.
    And in the end theres another thing many seem to forget - women want sex and like it too. Meeting someone that you like enough to form a solid relationship takes time (e.g. I've never been with a man just in order to be in a relationship), and its stupid even to assume that women will stay celibate until that moment.

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  53. Oh my goodness this blog is kiiiilling me!

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  54. You've dated countless woman, ew, I'd rather not date you. But primarly for your hypocritical stands on number of partners one "should" have. Your opinions belongs to the past, and I'm so over it.

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  55. I asked my girlfriend about her past. She`s my first girlfriend and I love her. She told me that only one guy banged her but just played her...I trusted all her stories with no doubt...6 months later I found out that, what she said about her past are all lies...She slept with many guys.. It really hurts I trusted her...I told her before and reminded her always it is better for us not to hide secrets, again "honesty is the best policy". But still she did...She asked for forgiveness I give her a chance..I`m confused, I`m giving my trust but not as whole unlike before.
    Lesson learned (Be trustworthy but not so wholly trust).
    Hoping she`ll change.

    Note:
    -If you`ll find a very sincere guy tell the truth about your past and everything will be okay.
    -Don`t be ashamed about your past if he truly loves you he will accept you...


    "From a very serious guy"
    (God will guide you)

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