Thursday, October 25, 2012

Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him

One time on a first date I was making out with a girl, and started trying to take off her clothes. She stopped me and said "Sorry, I don't do that until the third date."

I think she realized her mistake immediately, because a few moments later she awkwardly and self-consciously added something like "...yeah not until least the 3rd date."

The problem with telling a guy when you'll have sex with him is that you give him expectations. If I'd gone on a third date with that girl, you better believe that I'd have been expecting sex. Even if she didn't feel ready, she would feel pressured by her own words to sleep with me. Of course she would always have the right to say no, but it would cause friction in the relationship ("but you said...").

More importantly, by telling a guy when you'll have sex with him is that he can then decide immediately whether or not it is worth waiting for it. For example, I wasn't willing to sit through another two dates with this girl in order to have sex with her, so I didn't ask her out again. If she hadn't told me I'd have to wait that long, I'd probably have asked her out again, and she'd have had another opportunity to sink a hook of attraction.

So when it comes to telling a guy you don't want to have sex, opt instead for open-ended expressions like "I'm not ready for that yet."


Related Posts
1. Don't Fuck on The First Date
2. Don't Initiate Contact
3. Never Tell a Man Why He Shouldn't Want to Date You
4. How to Turn Down a Guy for Sex

34 comments:

  1. Your so right here Andrew! Personally when it comes to sex I find it very hard to restrain myself and often I have to physically pull myself away from the guy or beg him to push me away! Otherwise I would certainly jeopardize my chances of a second or third date. But I never disclose when we will be having sex!

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  2. Ah-ha! I was on a date that appeared to be going really well. He insinuated going back to his apartment, and I said "ha! no you have to earn that!" (in a tipsy state of mind - my first mistake - had 1 too many drinks). He walked me home, we made out, and he didn't ask me out again. This could be one of *several* why!

    ps - glad to see you are back!

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  3. Or, you know, if you've any self-respect, you could actually wait until the woman initiates it, and maybe even say you're not ready for it.

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    1. @Anonymous Oct 31 2pm

      You're a cuckold.

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  4. Ah the womanly art of manipulation... you go girls!... I can play that game too.

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  5. #Anonymous Oct 31 2pm

    You're a cuckold.

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  6. So what? Sounds like she lost a jerk not worth being with. Any guy who calculates like that in his mind isn't a nice guy and certainly isn't a guy I would want to be with. She's way better off not dating than dating a guy like that. She wasn't ready. And maybe she stated it EXACTLY how she wanted to to some pushy jerk.

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  7. Just out of curiosity, should I ever tell the guy I'm seeing that I never had sex before? And how?

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    1. I don't see why you should.

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    2. I don't know if this will be read, but I would say that you should when you get to the point that it presents itself in the relationship. When the guy thinks that you two are getting to the point where you will have sex soon, then tell him. If he really likes you, he won't think any less of you for it. If it's a dealbreaker, there's the door. I think it's important to tell the guy at some point, because it will weed out the guys who would have a problem with it. And as a virgin, you don't want to be with the type of guy who would think less of a girl for being a virgin.

      Don't tell him on the first date or anything, because if you do, it may define you in his eyes. So few women remain virgins that the ones who do are considered an anomaly. Let him get to know you, so that by the time you tell him, it'll just be one piece of who you are, not who you are completely in his eyes.

      But do tell him when the relationship starts to get serious. A guy should know it's your first time before he sleeps with you. I've never understood the women who hid it for fear that he would decide he didn't want her after all - a guy who would dump a woman he really likes and whom he would otherwise sleep with, because she's a virgin, when they both clearly want it and are ready, is not a guy any virgin should want. Or that any woman should want, for that matter.

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  8. Its this guy i really like we kissed and felt on each but he was willling to have sex with me he said it was up to me if i wanted to do it or not i said i do but at the same time i said i wanna what untill its the right time he said ok we donf have to do it and he agreed to what untill it was the right time but i also said next time we see each other again we can do something i want it to be right so it was time for him to go he gave me a kiss goodbye and text me when he got home so my questie is do you like he instrested in me at all or respect me???

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  9. Its this guy i really like we kissed and felt on each but he was willling to have sex with me he said it was up to me if i wanted to do it or not i said i do but at the same time i said i wanna what untill its the right time he said ok we donf have to do it and he agreed to what untill it was the right time but i also said next time we see each other again we can do something i want it to be right so it was time for him to go he gave me a kiss goodbye and text me when he got home so my questie is do you like he instrested in me at all or respect me???

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  10. Andrew, is there any proper way to mention to a guy you're dating that you don't have sex unless you're in a committed relationship, or is it best to leave it out?

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    1. Let him try for it before you bring it up, and, most importantly, DON'T BE APOLOGETIC about it - this weakens his image of your boundaries and values.

      I suggest this wording when he tries to reach down your pants or take off your clothes:

      "It's hot that you are attracted to me like that but we need to see where things go between us before taking it there."

      The point is to avoid saying "I only have sex with boyfriends" or "You need to commit to me first" or anything else that might sound like(or imply) an ultimatum. The tone should convey "I love sex, but I always decide whether or not to engage in it based on the seriousness of a relationship."

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    2. What should you say if you don't want to have sex before marriage?

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    3. On a similar note, how do you tell your boyfriend (when he asks you to move in) that you don't want to live with a significant other until you're married?

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    4. Thanks Andrew, I will definitely try that.

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  11. You're awesome, thank you!

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  12. Hello Andrew im 23 years old and I just got out of a serious relationship about a month and a half ago ...now I haven't had sex in a month (by choice) however I JUST met a guy about 6 years older than me however the only thing I want to do to him is have sex lol I know that sounds horrible?! BUT I know myself I dont want to have sex with him and then a) when I want more he's unavailable b)I dont want my emotions to creep up out of left field c) I dont want him to lose respect for me (maybe that should've be a) idk im confused should I just get a toy and stay to myself?!?! Help!!! Lol

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    1. Just fuck him. I am a girl and if I met a hot guy i'd just do it if I was only sexually attracted to him with no other intentions. You know a commitment wouldn't come out of it though. If you want to be serious though, maintain your boundaries and don't let him go things you don't want.

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  13. Restraining from sex too long can also push a romantically interested man away, just so you're warned.
    I got a female friend of mine and a male buddy of mine to date each other; they always had some feelings for each other, I merely helped them get into touch.
    They dated, once, twice...on the second date he initiated sex, and she refused. "I have a rule," she said. OK, he tried again on the third date he only went on because she was emotionally important to him. But no, "she has a rule". No sex on the third date. Fair enough, he respects her decision. He invested a lot and gave her emotional support and an ear and a shoulder at any time and made her laugh, without getting his primal needs satisfied for three (!) dates. And he was OK with it.
    However. He decided that, for a good relationship, he wants not only to feel emotionally attached, but also very sexually active, and he figured she couldn't provide him with that satisfaction. He labeled it an unfortunate ending and rejected her.
    Women, it's true that first-date-sex is not always wise. But calibrate. Sex is primal need for men, like a shoulder and protection is your primal need. How much do you expect men to invest into satisfying your primal needs without expecting you to invest into satisfying his? If you don't put out on the third date, you may lose someone who really cared about you.

    I'm saddened to have seen it happen. They would've been a good couple.

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    1. Her rejecting him was a bad idea, because they already knew each other and something was established, so even though he hadn't taken her out romantically before, those weren't "first" and "second" dates in the traditional sense where you get to know each other.
      But yeah, I agree. Don't have sex on a first date, but don't push it too much either. If men decided to withhold emotional support before being committed, no woman would tolerate that. If you're not 'official' before having sex, it really isn't the end of the world, as most people at least have a gauge of the other person's interest. I frankly don't know anyone who in 2013 became official before sex.

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    2. Hi,

      you misunderstood. HE rejected HER because on three dates, she couldn't satisfy his very primal need, while he selflessly invested into her feeling more and more comfortable. It is a complete imbalance of investment-reward ratio, and that was too much for him. He felt that she kinda used him as her shoulder and ear without investing anything in return, and that pretty much sums up what happened. He was selfless, she was selfish (on the first date ofc such a "rule" is not selfish, a man has to respect that and swallow the disappointment - he knows it's for the better).
      Stupid "rules" like that have led to a lot of potentially wonderful, beautiful relationships breaking before even established.

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    3. No that's exactly how I read it.
      What I said was that she refused to have sex with him, i.e. "rejecting" him. So even though he was the one to ultimately walk away, she was triggering it. She rejected him for sex, causing him to reject her altogether.
      Of course he felt used, there are limits to the effort a man will put in with a woman who's not completely infatuated (especially since we all know women know if they want to fuck a guy very early on).

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    4. Hi,

      glad you understand the underlying issue. I'm sure both of them wanted sex from very early on, so it's a prime example on how not letting go of stupid objections and instead giving in to instincts can lead to the card house falling to pieces.
      It's been proven that sex on first date, if both parties want it, can partially trigger love, because for men more than half of the "love" feeling is triggered by good sex. If both want it, why not do it? Men who dump you for having sex on the first date would have dumped you anyways.
      Sorry for that off topic, actually I'm the one who now feels guilty for both of them being very disappointed for kinda messing up. So I let that out here.

      Peace

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    5. "If you don't put out on the third date, you may lose someone who really cared about you."

      WRONG. If he was willing to walk away from the relationship and all its potential because there was no sex after THREE MEASLY DATES, he couldn't have cared about her all that much. "Have sex with me or you'll lose me" - that sounds like something a manipulative high school boy would say to a high school girl.

      I would never have sex with someone I didn't love. Which in most cases, takes much longer than three dates to know for sure. If that means I lose a few guys, it's a good thing, because I'm weeding out the selfish ones who need to "get some" before they can be serious about me. I'm only interested in serious relationships, and as such I want a guy I can really see a future with. This means a guy who is selfless and is happy to spend time with me without expecting to get "paid" in some way - that's husband material. He should enjoy spending time with me enough that it's its own reward - if he's just "doing his time" to get to the sex, he's not someone I am interested in, and he's not genuinely interested in me either.

      You make it seem like guys are entitled to sex just because they've been on three dates. This is really sad to me - that our society's values have degenerated to the point where a girl is considered selfish for not spreading her legs after spending a sum total of 10 hours with a guy.

      If people want to have casual sex, fine, but don't shame the people who are not comfortable with doing that.

      It's been proven that sex on the first date can trigger the pheromones that make people THINK they're in love, not real love. This is part of why so many people divorce - they *think* they're in love, and then when the novelty of the sex wears off after a few years, they realize that they never truly loved each other to begin with. They had sex within the first three dates, meaning they never really established true love independent of sex.

      Although in the case you mentioned, she shouldn't have said she had a three date rule and then just not followed through. Me personally, I would tell the guy I don't have casual sex, and then he reacts how he reacts.

      "How much do you expect men to invest into satisfying your primal needs without expecting you to invest into satisfying his?"

      A real relationship is not quid pro quo. Both people should care about each other enough that they are willing to do what it takes to make the other one happy, regardless of what the other person has done for them. What you are describing sounds very selfish. So a man should only emotionally support a woman if she opens her legs for him? That sounds like a lousy relationship - and he doesn't genuinely care about anything she's saying because it's all about sex to him. Friends, and ESPECIALLY boyfriend/girlfriend, should support one another emotionally at all times. And no, a woman having sex before she's ready doesn't fall into the category of being selfless, because no one should have to go against their own morals and values in a loving relationship.

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    6. "If men decided to withhold emotional support before being committed, no woman would tolerate that."

      This is a ridiculous analogy. You emotionally support all of your friends without sex, right? So if you are able to "withhold" emotional support from someone with whom you want a RELATIONSHIP, you two are clearly not meant to be together. If you would withhold emotional support from someone, you clearly don't care about that person. Also (and I know people have completely lost sight of this), sex is the most intimate thing you can do with another person, and it's perfectly understandable for a woman to not want to do that with every man she goes on three dates with.

      Emotional support can't get you pregnant or give you an STD. It's not a valid comparison at all.

      "If you're not 'official' before having sex, it really isn't the end of the world"

      Maybe not for you, but don't impose your value system on others. Not being official, not just that but IN LOVE, for me, would cheapen sex and make it meaningless.

      "I frankly don't know anyone who in 2013 became official before sex."

      That is one of the saddest things I have ever read, and it shows that it really is true - the social ills have become the social norms. No wonder half of all marriages end in divorce.

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    7. "HE rejected HER because on three dates, she couldn't satisfy his very primal need, while he selflessly invested into her feeling more and more comfortable."

      If there was a condition attached to it, it wasn't selfless.

      "It is a complete imbalance of investment-reward ratio, and that was too much for him. He felt that she kinda used him as her shoulder and ear without investing anything in return, and that pretty much sums up what happened."

      "without investing anything" - so to him, the time spent with her wasn't worth ANYTHING. That's just proof that they shouldn't be together anyway. And she wasn't investing nothing - she was investing her time and energy.

      "He was selfless, she was selfish (on the first date ofc such a "rule" is not selfish, a man has to respect that and swallow the disappointment - he knows it's for the better)."

      That's pretty arbitrary - just because you define the boundary as three dates doesn't mean everyone does (or should). This is pretty disgusting that you flat out say that a girl is selfish for not having sex within three dates. A man, if he is really capable of caring about a woman, should respect ANY boundary, and she should respect any boundaries that he sets too. For example, if HE wants to wait two months for personal reasons, if she really cares, she will wait. If not, they shouldn't be together.

      Principles are not selfish. A girl who has strong moral convictions and wants to wait until she's married, for example, is not *selfish.*

      "Stupid "rules" like that have led to a lot of potentially wonderful, beautiful relationships breaking before even established."

      Not really. If it was really wonderful and beautiful, the guy staying with the girl wouldn't have been conditional on her spreading her legs after a couple of weeks. She needs to find someone who can respect her values, and he should find someone that he cares about enough that he would wait however long without complaint.

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    8. "Of course he felt used, there are limits to the effort a man will put in with a woman who's not completely infatuated (especially since we all know women know if they want to fuck a guy very early on)."

      Who says she's not completely infatuated? I've been completely infatuated but not wanted to do it, because I really am waiting for the one. It's not enough that I'm completely infatuated, I need to be IN LOVE. And some girls are just like that. We're not selfish, or users, we just have certain values that any guy who wants to be with us needs to respect.

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    9. "I'm sure both of them wanted sex from very early on, so it's a prime example on how not letting go of stupid objections and instead giving in to instincts can lead to the card house falling to pieces."

      The ability to hold ourselves back from "following our instincts" is the only thing that separates us from the animals. Looking before you leap is often a GOOD thing, especially when it comes to something that is as big a deal as sex is. Too many people just follow their instincts, which is why there are so many unwanted pregnancies, and STDs are running rampant.

      "It's been proven that sex on first date, if both parties want it, can partially trigger love, because for men more than half of the "love" feeling is triggered by good sex."

      Untrue. Men have fallen in love with me with no sex whatsoever.

      "Men who dump you for having sex on the first date would have dumped you anyways."

      Untrue. One example - my ex-roommate met her now-husband, and they were making out on the first date. He slid his hand up her thigh, and she stopped him and asked what he thought he was doing. And they didn't go any further than that for weeks, despite the fact that they saw each other every night and went on about 20 dates in that time period. A fact that I find even more impressive considering that she wasn't a virgin or anything - in fact she had been married before. He later told her that he was testing her that first night, and had she let him go any further, he would not have asked her for a second date.

      He really did not want the type of girl who would have sex on the first date.

      They're now married with a toddler, and very happy, so that's just one example that refutes many of the things you've said.

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    10. I've already written a ridiculous amount, but I have one more thing to say - guys have these expectations of girls, and three date rules. And yet, they don't like it when their girlfriend has slept with more than maybe 2-3 guys before them. It's pretty hypocritical - it's like you expect that she has sex quickly, but only with you.

      And there are even guys who say "it's fine if she's a virgin, as long as she'll sleep with me within a week or so" - are you kidding??? You expect a virgin to give it up to a guy she's known for a WEEK? You must think very, very highly of yourself.

      I just think that some of guys' requirements for girls are incredibly unreasonable.

      And no, I do not expect guys to pay for my food on dates. I have never *not* offered to pay for my own food. The whole tradition where the guy pays for food and then the girl has sex with him in exchange is really a form of prostitution, which is not what I would want for any relationship of mine.

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  14. wasn't willing to wait 2 date, wow.

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  15. I hope someone reads this and gives me some feedback. I was dating a guy for two months, we had known each other for about five. He texted me a lot and we hung out about 3-4 times a week. He seemed to be really starting to fall for me - he'd stare at me constantly (into my eyes), always want me to stay the night, take me out on dates, etc. He was very sweet. Of course, he wasn't looking to rush into a relationship and that was totally fine with me. The thing is is that he never tried to sleep with me. He fingered me maybe about 2-3 times, but it didn't last long and he never brought me to orgasm. One night we were finally moving a little farther, but didn't have sex because he didn't have condoms. Two nights later, we were fooling around again and I asked him if he bought condoms and he said no! I asked him why and he didn't respond. So out of desparation I told him that I felt like he didn't want to sleep with me - and again, no response, so naturally I got up to leave and that's when he told me he didn't want a relationship and he didn't have feelings for me (but wanted to and was trying)! I was so shocked (probably naively so) because I thought things were going really great. He told me that he never gets feelings and then the next day he told his brother that he never thinks he'll ever be in a relationship (he's only had one serious relationship that lasted 9 months and he's almost 28 years old). To be fair, his parents divorced when he was 11-12. Apparently it was very messy and his dad came out as being gay, so I think that turned him off of commitments.

    Did he refuse to sleep with me out of respect, or is something else going on? Could he possibly be gay, given that he says he "doesn't get feelings for people"? I'm so confused, because he loved kissing me, cuddling, you know, intimate stuff, but when it came down to sex he flat out dumped me when I finally was ready.

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