There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans

Every now and then I meet or see a girl wearing loose jeans. By "loose" I don't mean that the crotch is sagging around her knees, I just mean that there are places on her hips, ass and upper legs where the fabric is not touching her skin. I suspect that girls do this for one of three reasons:

(a) They think their figure isn't attractive enough to wear tight jeans.
(b) The think that tight jeans are immodest.
(c) They don't care about their appearance and loose jeans are more comfortable.

I realize I won't convince group (c) of anything, so I am only going to address (a) and (b). Let's start with group (a)...

No matter how fat you are, or how badly your ass is shaped, loose jeans make it look worse. Tight jeans might not make your ass or legs look good, but loose jeans will make you look like a man.

As for the group concerned with modesty: you need a reality check. Tight jeans are not provocative; they are normal. Despite what your parents probably raised you to believe, modesty is not something objective. What looks "appropriate" or "slutty" or "conservative" changes significantly depending on two things: context and social norms.

If you were to walk down the street of your city in a bikini in the middle of winter it would shock people and look slutty. Any man who saw it would be turned on. But on the beach, bikinis are normal. Men are much less turned on by them because they are expected. They don't look slutty at all. This is what I mean by context.

In Victorian times, swimsuits were less-revealing than most women's dresses are today. Today, swimsuits are more revealing than most women's underwear in Victorian times. Dress-like swimsuits didn't seen slutty or over-conservative in Victorian times, and neither do bikinis today. This is what I mean by social norms.

Here is the thing: modesty isn't a function of the quantity of skin you show, or the tightness of the clothes you wear; it is defined by how much your outfit makes men (or people in general) think that sex with you is imminent. The more you incite in men the thought that they can bang you easily, the less modest your outfit is. This is why short dresses are so much more sexual than pants. Men see you in a short dress and part of their subconscious recognizes that your vagina is essentially exposed (i.e. from the bottom). Sex seems much more accessible and immediate because there is only one thin layer of clothing covering the most sexually intimate part of your body.

But the threshold for triggering a man's thoughts of sexual proximity - the criterion for immodesty - is entirely relative to social norms and context. The man on the beach doesn't think sex is imminent when he sees you wearing a bikini, because every woman on the beach is wearing in a bikini, and he knows it is for swimming or sunbathing. But in 1910, if a man saw a woman on the beach in a bikini, he'd be sure that she was a woman of loose morals - and he'd probably be right.

Anyway, the point here is that wearing tight jeans in everyday American life is about as shocking as wearing a bikini on the beach in 2014. And wearing loose jeans in everyday American life is far more similar than you think to wearing a Victorian bathing costume to a Las Vegas pool party. Perhaps more importantly, when you use your clothes rather than your behavior to be modest, you are far more similar than you think to the girls who use their clothes rather than their behavior to get sexual attention. Don't be so sure that you are more intelligent just because you made the mistake about modesty rather than sexuality.

Is there an opposite extreme, where tight jeans start to look like a bikini on a Victorian-era beach (i.e. slutty)? Yeah, probably, but that's not the point - there are always excesses on both extremes. Today I happen to be calling out the conservatives.

So remember: wearing loose jeans doesn't avoid the wrong kind of attention; it just makes you look terrible.


Related Posts
1. "The Wrong Kind of Attention"
2. How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"
3. Don't Wear Sneakers
4. The Most Important Time to Dress Well

What Men Think About Your Virginity

Imagine you are dating a guy who doesn't know that you are a virgin. Everything is going well until, one night, he starts to push things past the limits of your sexual comfort zone. After a quick battle in your conscience, you stop him and reluctantly tell him "I can't..." followed by an apologetic, blush-filled explanation about how you were raised, how hard it is to constantly disappoint men, and how difficult it is to live with the fear of being "found out" by your friends. He is a little bit surprised at the news initially, but he says that it isn't a big deal. He even seems sincere when he tells you how much he admires your decision and sometimes wishes that he'd stayed a virgin too. However, in the next few days, his contact and initiative plummet. Before long he stops talking to you altogether. You are confused. You understand that men want sex, but this guy seemed different...

Sound familiar?

Of course, there are many variations on this story. Maybe you wanted to sleep with him, but something made him suspicious, and he asked if you were a virgin before anything happened. Or maybe you made it clear that you really didn't want to stay a virgin, but that you just needed a little longer together before having sex. Or maybe you actually asked him to sleep with you, right then and there, because you were fed up with being a virgin and figured you might as well lose it with him as with the next guy. However it happened for you, the result was probably the same: he disappeared.

You've probably assumed that men act this way for one or more of the following reasons:

1. They think it will be too much work to sleep with you,
2. They are "weirded out" by the fact that you've never had sex,
3. They don't want to "suffer" through your inexperience.

For some men, a combination of these things will play a role in their decision, but usually it will be a minor one. If you are hot enough, men won't give up very easily at all - particularly players, who know that women often say no at first, only to give in soon afterwards. No man is "weirded out" by the idea of virginity to the point that it would actually prevent him from enjoying sex. And although sex might not be as great with a virgin as with a more experienced girl, few if any men have so many women at their fingertips that they can afford to discriminate based solely on anticipated performance. There is something deeper at work.

The primary reason that most men disappear after learning you are a virgin is simple but often overlooked: men don't want the responsibility of taking your virginity. Rightly or wrongly, men assume that in proportion to how long you've remained a virgin, your experience losing it will be "a big deal," and something that you want to do within the context of a serious relationship - even if you tell them otherwise. Men aren't afraid of or "weirded out" by your virginity; they are wary of the expectations that will accompany taking it from you.

It should go without saying that the men who are going to be most turned off by expectations or responsibility are the ones who know, in the back of their minds (or the forefront), that there isn't potential for a relationship. If a man really likes you, your virginity will not be impediment to dating. He will not balk at the idea of waiting until you are in a committed relationship (or possibly longer) for sex. In this sense, your virginity can actually serve as a good filtering mechanism for avoiding men who aren't interested in anything serious.

There are limits to this phenomenon, however. Once inside a committed relationship, even a man with the best intentions is likely to be put off if his girlfriend insists on waiting until marriage for sex. The convenient reality in these cases, however, is that the few women who insist on waiting until marriage are probably most compatible with the few men who are also willing to wait until marriage. So if you really believe that prolonged virginity or abstinence until marriage is important, consider this belief a filtering mechanism - no man without similar beliefs will be willing to wait that long.

It is also worth pointing out that men will be somewhat less scrupulous about taking a younger girl's virginity. Because younger girls haven't been virgins for as long, men (even young men) will assume that the girls care less about giving it away. Although there isn't a strict age cutoff for this assumption, it falls somewhere between 20 and 22. Before 20, almost no guy will be surprised at a girl's virginity. After 22, almost all men will assume that a girl's virginity is intentional. Keep in mind that the average age at which American girls reportedly lose their virginity is 17.

Also keep in mind that being surprised that a girl is still a virgin is not the same as thinking that she is "weird" because of it. I considered writing a paragraph explaining the age at which men will think a woman is "weird" for still being a virgin (since I know that some women worry about this), but in the process of trying to pinpoint that age, I realize two things: (a) there really isn't one, and (b) you shouldn't care anyway.

To conclude: men who disappear after learning you are a virgin wouldn't have stuck around in the long run anyway, and they certainly don't disappear because they are lazy or feel awkward about your inexperience. They are simply unwilling to deal with the moral hangover or relationship pressure of taking you through such an "important" event in your life, then walking away afterwards. And they will avoid doing so even if it means foregoing easy or guaranteed-STD-free sex. So if a guy disappears on you after you tell him about your virginity, don't feel the need go and to lose it at the next opportunity; just be glad you dodged a bullet.

Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
2. How to Date as a Virgin
3. How to Look Good During Sex
4. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him

How to Turn a Guy Down for Sex

Imagine that you go out to dinner on a first date with a guy you met recently. You go to a nice but fairly laid-back restaurant and you really hit it off, almost instantly. The conversation is fluid, he is witty and interesting and he seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. Afterwards you decide to get a drink at a bar down the street from the restaurant. One drink turns into three or four, and as you leave the bar he pulls you to the side of the sidewalk and kisses you. Unlike other guys you've gone on first dates with he is decisive, confident and not awkward.

You walk back to his place together and he invites you in. It is still fairly early, so you accept, but you both agree that it is "just for a little while." You are impressed because his place is really nice - well decorated, but decidedly manly; he has good taste. He kisses you again and you start making out on his couch. You are comfortable with him, and he seems comfortable holding you - you fit well together. Soon his hands move from touching your face to holding your waist and caressing your breasts through your shirt. Before long his hand is down your pants. You are a little drunk so you don't stop him - after all, it feels good, and you are really comfortable with him. But then he starts to unbutton your shirt.

You don't want to have sex with him on the first date, so you know you should stop him; but it is hard to say no - not because you want to have sex with him so badly (though you are actually starting to), but because it seems inappropriate or even unfair to stop him. You don't want to disappoint him and ruin the night, especially when it is just to follow some "rule" your mom taught you. So what do you do? How do you stop him without ruining the end of the date? By the time you've considered what the most tactful way of stopping him would be, he's finished taking off your shirt and bra. Your nipples are in his mouth when you realize that he's actually already unbuttoned your jeans...

----------------------------------------------

I agree that stopping the guy at this point is going to piss him off. There is no question that your suspicion is right in that regard - in fact it will probably piss him off more than you realize.  So what should you do now, and when should you have stopped him? There was never a time when it seemed appropriate.

In this situation, you should stop him right away. Better late than never. The annoyance you'll cause him and even the bad feelings you'll stamp on the first date - while important - are less important than not being slutty. True, he will lose some respect for you due to your lack of tact and because you led him on, but he would lose more respect for you if you slept with him on the first date.

The answer to the larger question is a little more complicated. For starters, you shouldn't have had four drinks at the bar (you could have nursed two instead). And then you shouldn't have gone inside with him when you got back to his place. And then you shouldn't have let him put his hand down your pants. And then you shouldn't have let him unbutton your shirt. And then you shouldn't have let him take off your bra. And then you shouldn't... etc. I am not saying you should be a prude, but I am saying that you should be a prude on the first date. With each thing you allow him to do, he feels closer to sex and you cause him more chagrin by then stopping him.

On a first date, I recommend not going in his place. You can have the four drinks at the bar if you can walk home or take public transportation, but otherwise the drinks offer too easy an excuse for needing to go inside to "sober up." If you do go in with him, it isn't the end of the world if you make out. You aren't giving the average American guy mixed signals by making out with him and then saying no to sex. The best stopping point is when he goes to put his hand down your pants or when he goes to take off your clothes - whichever one comes first. All you need to do to stop him is this: without interrupting the kissing, gently grab his hand and guide it away from your pants or shirt, to some other place on your body. Then continue making out as if nothing happened. It is a strong but subtle message. If he tries again, you just repeat the motion. If he tries a third time, you pull back and say "I don't want to do that yet." or something similar. Saying "yet" or "tonight" is key, because it hints that it will happen sometime in the future, and this will entice him (though be careful not to tell him when you'll do it).