Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

[This is the second of a three-part series that describes how to focus your dating efforts in your teens, twenties and thirties. There are links below the post to the other two parts.]

Female game consists of three parts or stages:
  1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
  2. Making yourself approachable
  3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you
While these general stages apply to all women, a woman's age, experience and eligibility should factor heavily into her approach to dating if she wants to eventually find a man to settle down with. Therefore, various aspects of these three stages - or the components of each one - are more or less important at different times in a woman's life.

As a girl in your twenties, you are moving into and living through your most eligible years, and should tailor your game accordingly. Your goal should be to meet and date as many eligible men as you can, in an effort to increase the statistical probability of meeting one guy that you can really love. In order to do this effectively you need to be honest with yourself, and filter out the men who will waste your time - even when you are tempted by your emotions, pride or biology to do otherwise. This requires that you spread your attention across all three stages listed above, in the following ways:

  • Establish the right foundations. There are a number of things a girl should do in her teens to prepare for her twenties. If you haven't done all of these things, or still need to work more on some of them, do so first. Because you have an age advantage over the girls doing these things in their teens, you will be able to learn some of these lessons faster and perhaps more effectively. But these steps are critical - they should not be skipped.
  • Adjust and improve your look as you become a woman. Continue to learn about your complexion, make up, fit and style, and continue to improve your appearance. Your efforts in this realms should be informed by three concepts: (a) your appearance matters, (b) your appearance is controllable, and (c) you can always look better than you do now.
  • Embrace your sexuality. As you become sexually eligible and your confidence grows, you will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin - in a sense, literally. Your look should migrate from cute towards sexy. There is no longer any reason to hide your body, any more than there is a reason to suppress your smile or intentionally give yourself a bad hairstyle. Show off your figure with class of course, but also recognize that living in denial of your sexuality is a recipe for unhappiness.
  • Realize that your male peers are growing up. As you move through your twenties, men will start to gain the upper hand in relationships, due to their high sex drives and promiscuous nature. You should have prepared yourself for this during your teens, but now it means that your defensive game (filtering, #3 above) will become increasingly important. Adjust your disposition towards men accordingly: don't initiate contactcut off guys who dump you, and - most importantly - wait for commitment before you sleep with anyone.
  • Put yourself out there. Now that you are looking for a husband, you should - ideally - meet new men almost on a daily basis. The only way you will do this is by going to places and doing things to facilitate it. Creating this kind of exposure is a huge part of "making yourself approachable." If this means forcing yourself into awkward social situations, so be it. If it means you have to hang out with people that you don't particularly like, deal with it. But living in the suburbs with your parents, skipping happy hours with coworkers, or staying in on weekends will not accomplish this. You are the only one responsible for your own social life, so put yourself in living and working situations conducive to interacting with men, and learn to be social.
  • Don't waste your time. If you are interested in getting married, your mid to late late twenties is the best time to find your husband, and your early twenties is a close second. Wasting time in obviously dead-end relationships because you "just don't want to put pressure on him" is bullshit - and is either a symptom of your insecurity, or just stupid. Make sure that your boyfriend knows what you eventually want, then be honest with yourself and cut your losses when you need to.
  • Avoid men your own age. For most of your twenties, men your age will be either actively fucking around, or otherwise disinclined to settle down. Most (not all, but most) do not want to get married until their late twenties at the earliest, and they will do whatever women allow them to do in the meantime. You will be fighting a constant uphill battle if you try to date guys your own age. Instead, focus on men who are 3 to 6 years older than you. For example, if you start dating a guy who is 27 or 28 when you are 23, you could conceivably get married a year later. Avoid younger men like the plague and treat men more than eight years your senior with caution - there is probably a reason that they haven't settled down yet.
  • Recognize and seize opportunities. While 22 might seem a little young to be settling down, you would be stupid to throw away a lifetime of happiness with a solid man for three or four more years of partying, travel or "independence." In your twenties, the upcoming five years always seem like they'll be the most important ones of your life, but they won't be. By the time you are 30 they will seem almost as frivolous and naive as your early teens seem to you now, so forget your concerns about "missing out." A little foresight at this age will go a long way.
  • Know why you are dating. It is easy to get caught up in the emotions surrounding relationships, to the point that you forget why you got into them in the first place. If your goal is to find a husband someday, remind yourself of this when you are tempted to sleep with a guy who clearly just wants sex, or when you realize that you don't want to end up with the guy that you want to win back so badly.
  • Decide what constitutes good enough. Forget the notion of "the one" - it is beyond absurd. Only those with an imagination suffocated by Hollywood will lament a loss of "Romance" in acknowledging this. Trying to attract and select "the one" (or even just "the best" one) out of numerous options will inevitably drive you crazy. Think carefully, decide what attributes Mr. Right has, then fight the urge to wait for something better once you find a man that has them. Write down what you are looking for if you find it helpful to do so.
  • Resist becoming jaded. As you wade through the sea of men who are below your league, don't like you enough, only want sex, or aren't ready to settle down, make conscious efforts to stay positive about your prospects. This means pausing in the midst of your sorrows after being dumped, and recognizing that you wouldn't value a man that was easy to come by, or that being rejected is part of life. Remember that it isn't your failures (i.e. in relationships) that define you, but how you respond to them: so stop feeling sorry for yourself, get back up, and get back out there.
  • Challenge yourself daily. Whether you do this by reading a book about raising children, forcing yourself to confront a difficult social situation, or learning a second language when you'd rather be watching TV, you should be constantly pushing yourself a little bit - improving your abilities, knowledge, and expanding your comfort zone. This is how you will stand out from the crowd.

The overarching themes during your twenties should be increasing opportunities and filtering, but both of these should be done with a solid understanding of the dating landscape - which you can get in part from this blog.


Related Posts

109 comments:

  1. So at 22 I should be aiming for 25-30 tops??

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    1. There is no absolute rule, but in general, yes, that is about right if you are 22.

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    2. Is the range different for guys? Should guys stick in the 3-6 year younger range as well?

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    3. How high into 30s could I go? I'm so curious because everyone in my family gives such a small age window... Not my age but not over 28... It seems impossible!

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    4. Y'all need to calm down a little bit! You could worry yourself to death focusing too much on the age factor. I'm 23 and I'm dating a guy who is 25. We've been together about 10 months, and he has started bringing up marriage in a serious way lately. It would have been silly of me to write him off early on because he didn't fit in some arbitrary age range. All this article is saying that in general, guys below a certain age aren't thinking about marriage, and older single guys may have some issue keeping them single. Having this already in the back of your mind is a good way to keep yourself from wasting your time--which is valuable! Just have fun and meet people! If you are really honest with yourself and don't make excuses for staying with someone who is wasting your time, it isn't that hard to filter out the ones that aren't "the one" :)

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    5. Haha thanks for the response... That definitely makes sense. Ive been putting myself out there a lot more and always keep the time waste factor in the back of my mind a lot!

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  2. I have been waiting for this post!! Merry Christmas to me!!! haha Great job again, Andrew!

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  3. Fantastic advice Andrew, I'm out of my twenties But this is great stuff... Can't wait for 30's

    Anonymous Jess

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  4. Advice is solid.

    However, I am afraid not many 'modern' girls will follow that and skip cock carousel all-together.

    Having good job and being nice does not pay. I had to learn game to pull chicks and I became promiscuous in the process.

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    1. ditto - and there's the classic line of a girl saying "i want to settle down" to a stable man, only to divorce him later on and escape a "boring" relationship, with his children and a sizeable chunk of his assets. so, problem most men today face, i wonder what Andrew would say: how to properly gauge a woman's investment in a LTR? back in the day, it was when she gave herself freely to the man committed to her. i used to think it would be carrying the man's children in more recent times, but the figures for single mothers in western civilization sure do have an impact. now, there are too things i deeply dislike as a man (and would appreciate other points of view here):
      -having to raise other man's children
      -having my children raised by another man

      of course, I'm not contemplating risking any chance of this. but, apart from being extra careful when and who i choose to share parenthood with, what else can i (or the average decent man) do?

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  5. I think this advice is one of the most important of all :

    ....Challenge yourself daily. Whether you do this by reading a book about raising children, forcing yourself to confront a difficult social situation, or learning a second language when you'd rather be watching TV, you should be constantly pushing yourself a little bit - improving your abilities, knowledge, and expanding your comfort zone. This is how you will stand out from the crowd.

    I've noticed that one of the things that attract people to you (not just men) is that you are simply not just a pretty empty vessel with nothing of value to contribute apart from your body, but an interesting exciting individual with a strong sense of self combined with a love for life, as well as a joy and happiness from living your life to the full.

    Men who are drawn to empty vessels usually do not expect anything more than just sex and more significantly, do not expect to contribute anything more than the perfunctary or the minimum to obtain sex.

    The other thing to note is that women at this stage should also start to think about the future, in terms of their financial security. They should not expect men to be their retirement plan but rather save and invest for their own financial security. Even if you are pretty enough to find a man to support you, things could always change and you could find yourself on the scrapheap without a cent to your name.

    By bringing a lot to the table, you are making yourself to be a very attractive proposition, not just as a lover, but as a partner for life. Just be careful that you do not fall prey to scamsters after your savings.

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    1. I like this! x

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    2. "learning a second language when you'd rather be watching TV"... you mean instead of commenting on this blog?! This blog has become my number 1 procrastination tool. I'm so addicted! And I have so many other things to do!! ahhh!

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  6. The part about not hiding your sexuality is huge, at least for me.

    Part of my sexuality is my innocence and modesty. BUT if I happen to do something sexual out of my naivete, then so be it. I not going to worry too much about perception anymore. I have values and morals intact.

    Think Angelina Jolie not exuding sexy.

    KiKi

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  7. Andrew, recent comments have not been showing in the recent comment section for a while now. I am not sure if anyone is having this same issue but I thought I'd give you a heads up.

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    1. Same here... I can see them if I am in the mobile site, but not in my laptop

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    2. Interesting. I can still see them... Is anyone else having (or not having) this problem?

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    3. Andrew, there's a guy I'm interested in. He contacts me about one time per week or so. He seems to be playing a game where he contacts me when he wants to hang out with me. We have mutual friends and I know that he communicates with our friends frequently. I could text him asking a question and he won't respond. If they text, he responds. He asks me out more than I ask him out, and I know he likes me (he said so), but I don't understand what's up with the communication. I don't particularly care if he is interested in dating me as I have don't have a shortage of men pursuing me, but what do you make of this behavior? Is there a rule for contacting a girl? To me it seems rude. What do you think?

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    4. You need to read some of the posts on this blog that have already been written. If he's contacting you once a week, and it's on his terms, he's just not that into you. I think it's pretty bad when a guy is not responsive to text messages. That's a pretty bad sign.

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    5. Some guys are immature and stupid. I think there's a post somewhere on here about men taking time to respond to women. If he says he likes you and he doesn't contact you, regardless of whether he's interested or not, sounds pretty damn rude to me. The guy was probably raised by wild animals and doesn't understand how civilized people behave. Just be yourself and don't get engaged in childish games. The guy sounds like a real catch haha If you want to be his friend or whatever, doesn't sound like much of a friend.

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  8. The independent woman of 2013 does not need to settle down with an older wrecked man. Studies have shown that couples who are at the same age are the happiest.

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    1. This is a stupid blog. If people can't figure out their issues, then I guess it makes sense, but seriously, coming up with a formula for whether to date older/younger men shows that someone has a lot of time on their hands. I suggest stop coming up with games to play in your process of elimination and be smart about who you date. While you spend so much time fguring out which game to play, you could very well miss out on a great relationship staring you in the face. Stop being so anal people. I bet Andrew has spend his time thinking and by the time he's done thinking the woman has walked away, moved on, and he's still wondering whether he should have said something to her. Don't live a life of regrets.

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    2. "If there were no laughter, there would be no Tao."

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    3. "be smart about who you date"

      What does that mean? Please elaborate.

      I think you will find that when you start to describe what you mean by "smart" then you will end up with a blog that looks like this one. Granted you might now have a post about how much age matters, so let's agree to disagree on that point and not discard the whole concept of "Rules" just because you disagree with one of them.

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    4. Not really. I still think it's stupid, but apparently essential for the socially awkward. It's actually more a reflection of how much of an asshole some men can be. If you like someone, call him. There's no need to wait 3 or 5 days. That's stupid. When you were raised by parents who instilled a sense of integrity and respect in you, you don't treat the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) in a shit way. The reason you're writing the blog isn't so much to help women, but to validate why you have had to go through so many women and can't get the kind of woman you think want. On an earlier post you mentioned that you have wanted to date some women but it never went anywhere. Why do you think that is? Is it because they had some mortal flaw or didn't wear hoop earings which somehow prevented them from asking you out again? It's because they are not that in to you. And you probably toy with women to get them to be interested to boost your ego (i.e. the text you made thanksgiving weekend asking the girl out then ignored her, and laid her text out there because of her saying "haha") when you get rejected. Given your post about being rejected at a bar and feeling humuliated, that should tell you something about the quality of women you're going to end up with.

      You are too mechanical, and while not always wrong, you're creating a bunch of morons for anyone who will drink your coolaid. All I'm suggesting is that being sincere and straightforward isn't a bad thing. If you fall for a woman who is younger, older or the same age, you should fall for her because of the many reasons you like her, and regardless of her age, whether she lives in the neighboring state, whether she wears lace, whether she arches her back during sex shouldn't matter.

      I will admit, that I asked my ex to read your blog. He's a hot guy, but travels too much and that's why we broke up. He said it seems interesting, probably accurate, but he doesn't get into all of those things (i.e. rules). Your blog is entertaining, and I like it but not because of it's value to me but because you write well.

      A woman who likes you will probably run at your beck and call (based on your posts, it's what a guy does so perhaps the truth holds for a woman?). You'd consider her below your league, or, shocker, she may genuinely like you. So in your grand game of rules, all I'm suggesting is that people get themselves a reality check, recognize that games are for children, stock up on condoms and get tested regularly for STDs (because you sure behave like you sleep with any girl you can get your hands on, and that's a bad message to preach).

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    5. in addition...when it comes to daying, I've dated older and younger men. It's an individual analysis to be done on a case by case basis I think, justkind of annoying that you put these things in little packages and very little is as black/white as you seem to suggest. I am going on a date tonight and will experiment with your rules to prove myself wrong, hoop earring, lace, heightened interest, and all. I will provide a report.

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    6. There are two ways to approach life. You can either be an artist or a scientist. The artist uses intuition, the scientist analyzes situations, breaks them down into rules and follows those rules. Eventually, the rule-following turns into artistry because the scientist internalizes the mentality he seeks to emulate (i.e. the intuitive approach to whatever achievement he is seeking - whether it it finding a girl or succeeding in business).

      Telling people to "just follow your gut" only works for people who are gifted with intuition. The women who read and enjoy this blog are those who haven't been as lucky as you (apparently) have been. They can't just rely on their instincts because their instincts have led them astray in the past. So they've turned to "science" just like the many men who have to follow "rules" to convert themselves into men who can attract women. As much as I recognize the pitfalls of Hollywood, the movie Hitch actually portrays this reasonably well, as does the movie Crazy, Stupid Love.

      I am ignoring all the ad hominem insults and cutting to the chase here: you are right; it is essential for the socially awkward. I include myself in that group because I wasn't lucky enough to be born or raised such that I was naturally good with women, just like these women aren't naturally omniscient when it comes to men. We are coping with that awkwardness in the only way humans can: by breaking it down into manageable rules.

      I am unapologetic about doing that. Feel free to disagree with the rules, but if you are just going to read the blog (apparently often...) and then turn around and call it stupid, then you aren't just belittling me, you are being incredibly condescending to people who are simply trying to make the best out of their ignorance.

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    7. Andrew-to be clear, I like your blog. The thing that irks me is your Brave-New-World approach to describing people. People are people, and making people feel they need to fit into a certain mold to be desirable is what made me write the comment.

      My point was half-achieved. I would not encourage describing anyone as socially awkward. Some people who read your blog will never be able to look like the women you emulate in your posts. Some of them can't afford expensive lingerie. While you have qualities you find desirable, you acknowledge that it's your opinion, and I very much respect that. Nor were my comments intended as insults. I pretty much repeated the comments you made about yourself. I don't know you, and you are obviously intelligent to have figured that out by now.

      A lot of life involves growing up and figuring things out. It's a very normal process and to make people feel inferior because of their "ignorance" is the impression I've gotten from several of your posts. (I've read approximately half of the posts.) Let's take the haha text from the girl. Let's assume, in arguendo, that she discovered your true opinion of her "haha" or that you wanted to hang out with her because there was no one hotter or more fun available for you to hang out with on a saturday night. How do you think it would make her feel? Be honest. What do you think it says about you? That's what bothers me.

      I also don't consider you socially awkward either, certainly not based on the way you describe yourself or the air with which you write. I think you are a perfectionist and that may be why you aren't satisfied with the "countless" women you've dated. You come across as pretty damn hot, but I guess you'd be the better judge of that. For me, it's okay to not be perfect.

      About me: on your ten point scale, I'd say I'm an 8.5. I'm very selective about about who I date. I don't date people for the sake of dating them, just because they're there. I am also extremely selective about who I sleep with. I get to know a guy before determining whether I want to date him. I hope it makes you chuckle that last night on the date I whipped out your blog. My hoops were medium in width, and the only lace I could find were my panties and bra. The guy and I are really in to each other and have known each other for several years. I did ask him about my hoops, and I asked him about my hair up versus down. His response was that all he cared about was getting my clothes off. You may not be attracted to me, but the suggestion that a woman can date out of her league and the insinuation that the guy is settling for me, that rubs me the wrong way. I hang out with people because I like them and enjoy their company. It's not more complicated than that. People are people and they have feelings and I'd hate to have to read between the lines whenever a guy asks me out the night before or even on the day of. I can be a busy person and often end up not knowing what my schedule is like, depending on deadlines and when documents are final, for example. I tend to make decisions about going out right before I actually do, unless it's something requiring tickets well in advance, for example.

      Hitch and Crazy, Stupid Love aren't the movies I'd associate with what's concerning me. Closer (Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Clive Owen, Natalie Portman) is what I'd associate it with. Therein lies my concern.

      That said, it's your blog, I like your blog, and my comments are based on my opinion. I like your blog. I do.

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    8. I guess I don't completely understand what your concern is... In your last comment you seemed upset that I advocate rules rather than intuition, then you pick on the fact that I set high standards for women who don't have the genetics or finances to meet them, and lastly you seem upset that I texted a girl for nightlife advice when I knew she didn't meet my criteria for starting a relationship.

      I could address them all separately, but I have a hunch that what it all boils down to is that you don't like my tone. Am I right? Can you say concisely what your concern is?

      I appreciate that you recognize some good in the blog, but I am curious if you can trace your discontent back to something solid, or if it might instead be a side-effect of hearing the facts in such cold - and sometimes harsh - terms.

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    9. Your tone does project your overall views, which are what you suggest people follow. Sticking with the girl in question, my concern isn't that you'd text her about nightlife advice. It isn't even that you'd text her at that time of night. It's not that you'd text a girl about hanging out with you that you have no interest in a relationship with. It's that you pretty much made fun of her when I guess she was being nice to you. It's perfectly normal to hang out with people of the opposite sex that you have no romantic or relationship interests in/. I do it all the time. Those people are called my friends. I assume you categorize this person as a friend, but I would not go into making fun of her haha. Indeed, while I don't use haha, I often make use of the smily face. I do that when I think I say something funny, or when I am being a total ass with people. I digress. Your characterization of a female friend (based on your just friends post) is that you have no interest in them other than the random need for sex, which you've professed to having with so many women. Perhaps I'm wrong or I misunderstand that. I'm not discounting the fact that many women are skanks, yet I'm perplexed that anyone would deeply crave such a woman while simultaneously acknowledging that this is not the type of woman you really want. That you'd never turn down sex, that's not a good thing to say. No respectable woman wants to end up with a man skank.

      If it were something concrete, I'd say it's the tone, and that tone that accompanies the generalized attitude that leads to men being utterly disrespectful to a woman. It's not as though the distinction is between advice on table etiquette (that you should definitely do a post on) and favorite sex positions (that you should definitely do a post, several on). The impression I've gotten is that there's a game to be played, and for someone who is generally straightforward and direct, it doesn't appeal to me. If I were you I'd stick to your guns and don't doubt your convictions in what you say. It doesn't appeal to me, and that's me.

      I looked at some of your other posts. I like that you suggest putting yourself out there and being social. I will admit that I haven't always been social, mainly because I have been shy, I have enough friends, and my work keeps me busy. I am single, and I have the hots for a guy who confuses the hell out of me when it comes to his intentions, so I will be objective about it and follow your advice with regard to him and see where it goes. If it doesn't work out, I'll tell you :)

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    10. "It's that you pretty much made fun of her when I guess she was being nice to you."

      I never made fun of her. I used her as an example so that other women could benefit from her mistake. She is never going to read this blog, and even if she does, it shouldn't embarrass her since there is nothing linking her to that post.

      "I'm perplexed that anyone would deeply crave such a woman [a skank] while simultaneously acknowledging that this is not the type of woman you really want."

      This is because you aren't a man, and don't understand the male's internal conflict. We DO want ultra-sexual women who are also extremely personable and sweet. Some of us know that this doesn't exist but we still try to optimize the combination in the same way that women try to find men who are strong, confident, bold AND sensitive, loving, etc.

      "That you'd never turn down sex, that's not a good thing to say. No respectable woman wants to end up with a man skank."

      When did I say that? I turn down sex more often than I accept it. I said that men in general aren't going to turn it down often; and this is true.

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    11. Andrew:
      1. I apologize for the ultra bitchiness in my initial posts. I hope it, at least, made you think about how your audience may interpret your comments.
      2. I read two blogs non-religiously: your's and one from Harvard Business Review. Your's is better, so I hope you don't take my harshness as a negative way.
      3. It is possible for a woman to be ultra sexual and not be a skank. I am. I don't understand the male mind, I don't. I figured it was all jello in there :) The more I think about this, I really am putting my perspective on this all. Maybe you have better insight than I do. I willingly concede to that one.
      4. You are correct about the haha girl's text in that she likely won't be personally offended, but I think it's more of a concern about sensitivity that made me point it out. It seemed very gameish, to me. (Evidently no one else thought so.)
      5. I'm pretty sure I thought you mentioned that, somewhere, but perhaps it is a reference to the male mind rather than you specifically sexing everything you get your hands on. I'll give you that one too :)
      6. Thinking versus intuition. Tangential to your original comment, I think they go hand in hand. I see your point about thinking through to become more intuitive/, but consider whether it's necessary at all. I am very fond of a guy who thinks a lot. a lot. He's very analytical, and it's a quality I admire. I on the other hand, think when I'm forced to (I do a lot as a professional hazard, and in my personal life, I tend to prefer a break from it), but am more of an artist. I don't think the scientist needs to become an artist. If I were a scientist, I wouldn't want to. If I were an artist, I wouldn't want to conform to any thing different. I'd be myself, and when I find the man of my dreams, I'd want him to be the scientist. Saves me the thinking, and that way he can do what he likes, and we can figure each other out as the relationship evolves. Tis my wish. Plus it's a lot sexier to have a man figure things out, to me anyway!

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    12. I enjoy being a scientist but I want desperately to be an artist in everything. Unfortunately, this is not possible, even for those born artists in one specific area. So I struggle with science.

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    13. You're a perfectionist. That's usually a very good thing. The more I think about it, I don't know if it's possible for a scientist to evolve into an artist. Scientists have many redeeming qualities which artists don't. I think being an artist involves partly letting go of the tendency to be analytical and allow instinct (trust your instincts) to guide you. It almost seems as if you're trying to achieve the impossible, but still trying to achieve it, knowing it's impossible. I can't see what the possible outcome would be if you were to achieve the impossible, but it's certainly intriguing!

      I'm a proponent of trusting your instincts and not so much being analytical, but the more I type, I realize that you're probably correct in it being an evolution to an artist rather than them existing independently. But what do you think about scientists being their own type of artist? I'd much rather subscribe to that belief :) How about doing something that involves you not being analytical? I don't think you'd feel out of sorts, but maybe appreciate that art is just as much science, sans the focus on thinking?

      So back to your blog. I think I get it. Kind of like needing to learn algebra and trig before you can do calculus? I can't believe I just used that as an analogy since I'm still bitter about getting a B in calculus in undergrad, years ago. haha (emphasis added) :)

      I think I get it.

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    14. "I enjoy being a scientist but I want desperately to be an artist in everything. Unfortunately, this is not possible, even for those born artists in one specific area."

      Why not?

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    15. I am guessing you understand something different than what I meant, because the answer is fairly obvious: there is simply not enough time to become an expert in every field known to man. I can't simultaneously learn how to dress with perfect intuition of style, to learn how to write with perfect style, play the piano with the skill of Mozart, perfect my knowledge of dieting and exercise in order to optimize my physique, learn the in's and out's of various sports until I play them like a professional, etc. etc.

      Some people are lucky to be born with an intuitive sense of one thing or another, but no one is a natural master of them all, and it would be impossible to master all things via a scientific breakdown and study of the various rules that compose "expertise."

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    16. Wow! Now this is what I like to read online, a civilised debate which I have to say credit to Andrew for having patience to not retaliate in name calling or slander.
      I really enjoy posts like this, I take it as insight, we're not obliged to follow the advice mindlessly, the thing is that they are not tailored to our individual situations and there will always be the rare and odd exception to 'the rule'.

      However, I am fascinated with relationship musings, and find everything about this blog to be high quality 'food' for my mind.

      I was going to go on a detox of all things relationship related, so that I can work on my intuition, and considering that I like to think that I have a personal relationship with my God, I want to have that has the primary driver behind my decisions.

      These posts are so entertaining, what will happen is that the more I become clued up to what things I'm doing as a woman which reinforces my misunderstanding of guys from reading your blog, the less I will visit, the more confidence I will gain in my own understanding, so if I don't return again, I would like to say my thank in advance! :)

      Delete
    17. "..you are right; it is essential for the socially awkward. I include myself in that group because I wasn't lucky enough to be born or raised such that I was naturally good with women, just like these women aren't naturally omniscient when it comes to men. We are coping with that awkwardness in the only way humans can: by breaking it down into manageable rules."

      Andrew, you are so right! I include myself in this group because I grew up surrounded by women and was shy, especially around cute guys. What may come naturally to other women does not to me so that's why I've been looking for dating advice online from reputable people. I really like the way Andrew breaks it down-- He's brave enough to be truthful (even if it's un-pc) but in a kind and caring fashion that's like a spoonful of sugar with the medicine.

      Personally I agree with much of what he has to say, though I disagree with the shy guy part. I'm looking for a man who will be faithful and satisfied with getting married, therefore a man who has not had many partners (optimally none) so we can achieve a deeper and more viable bond.

      Plus, I love the way you write, Andrew! God has blessed you with such equanimity of expression and flair for the written word. I feel your analyses are measured and ever cognizant of opposing viewpoints. Whenever I disagree with your assessments, I still respect the way you arrived at them. Good job!

      Delete
  9. Andrew pleease answer my question on breast size importance as it's really bothering me and i can't get an unbiased answer from those around me! It's also urgent as i've just been asked out by this amazing guy and for the 1st time i say 'yes'.
    I'm almost certain that it's not a turn-on if a girl has barely-there/ non-existent breasts as i have actually observed on some of my friends and that bigger ones would be an asset (provided everything else is ok ofc), but generally at what size boundary does this occur i.e. at what size do breasts become an asset/ turn-on (what i mean is, i'm assuming that with barely-there breasts, the girl would be better-off hiding them until the guy likes her for other things IN SPITE OF them, but approx. at what size would it be a good idea to emphasize them or at least not to want to hide them like that?) e.g. what about UK 32B - 32C (US 32A-32B apparently) at height 5.2 ft??

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    1. Your breasts are fine but your attitude about them isn't.For some reason maybe a past experience you have a belief that breast size will affect your chances with a man, it won't. Your attitude will and when it does you will blame your breast size. Do you see what Im getting at?.
      so change your attitude its also a lot cheaper than changing your breast size.

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    2. I agree with the reply above, but I will say that the threshold you refer to on a girl who is only 5'2" is definitely smaller than a US 32A-32B.

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    3. Ever heard of "Yellow fever"? It's not the Asian-racial thing those guys like, it's the bodyform. There are guys who LOVE breasts which will NEVER get saggy. If you don't think so, explain to me why there are so many "skinny" niche porn sites making money?

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  10. Thank you so much for both of your replies guys!! Don' worry, I'll never consider plastic surgery because it'll be obvious they aren't real, i don't consider silicone to be genuine 'breasts' and because i actually love my breasts.
    But it's true, i think i'm doubting them so much still because growing up, the women around me (at least the 1s I ever saw naked), including my grandmothers, were very busty, while my mother - a very beautiful slavic woman happened to be a lot smaller (my size or a bit smaller), despite her otherwise jealousy-provoking curves, and it was clear to me since a very young age she is very self-conscious about her size and told me that even my grandmothers are 'average' so i was expecting all breasts to be at least like my grandmothers' until i got mine, which is why i probably felt inadequate. Additionally, the media seems to only promote genuinely large breasts and all the guys around me seem to only talk about breasts that are at least a pretty large US C-cup. Even my new guy thought that the graffiti sketch of a pretty large bum we saw on a shop window yesterday, were breasts! I mean, come on, why does everyone seem to expect them to be that huge! :P while my friends say mine are fine, some men on internet forums said they don't consider Vanessa Hudgens's/ Mila Kunis's breasts (US ~32A apparently) to be proper breasts! But your answer does make sense as the only guy i'd ever allowed to touch mine without a bra couldn't take his hands off them which i thought was weird at the time, so anyway, i'm really glad i'd asked you, thank you!

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  11. "Avoid men your own age"-So true. I avoid 22-year-old men like the plague. Great article!

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  12. Andrew, Can you explain this guy to me? I went on a date with a guy from online and all going well, we got into bed. He'd told me that he wanted to find someone to eventually marry, told me future kids names etc. His profile said that in the long term he wanted to find the one to marry and in the meantime he wanted to meet people and have a good time. He told me other women had come on too strong and asked him to move in with them. And he said he felt no chemistry with others. I told him I wanted to see him again and he suggested today (this was Monday) to see a movie and initially I thought he was biding time. But as I walked out the door he said "see you Wednesday". So I thought he was serious. Throughout the time I spent with him he was obviously trying to impress me. I can't work out if he's playing me or if he's simply indecisive about what he wants. I haven't contacted him or heard from him. I know I screwed up but I wondered if you could translate his man-speak for me. Thanks.

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    1. btw he's 28 and I'm 23.

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    2. Oh and his profile asks women to contact him if they're interested. I should have read between the lines but now I think that line means he's saying he has options.

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    3. You only screwed up by sleeping with him already, otherwise there wasn't much you could do differently. It's possible that something could have happened to prevent him from going to the movie but there is no reason he couldn't contact you to let you know what happened, so I'd take it as a red flag.

      I wouldn't worry about the comment on his profile about women contacting him.

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    4. Hi Andrew, Here's an update. I want to let you know that your advice passes muster. It worked for me. I tested it out. I contacted him and he said he was up for the movie. So we watched a movie. Then I turned to him and asked him directly what he was thinking/what he was looking for...'cause ah it was doing my head in with the awkwardness. So it turned out that contacting him again was not a good plan 'cause he would have contacted me if he liked me enough.

      I think you could give me some insight into his way of thinking. He told me that he'd know that a woman is the one when he meets her and that he didn't feel enough of a spark with me. He said he'd been single for 4 years and had been in 1 2 month relationship. He said that his big love lasted for 5 1/2 years and they split up when she moved to New Zealand, and that they're still good friends.

      Another thing he said was that he wants a woman who's really active as much as him (he goes on hundreds of mile cycle rides). He also said we're at different stages in life because I am only just about to graduate university and hence don't know where I'll end up.

      But I'm thinking that all those things he told me while true, are just veiled reasons. The reason I think this is because when I think back to when I met up with him, he didn't ask me a lot about myself from the get go and he kind of pushed for sex. I did take the bait but in our initial emails he was asking stuff about me, just not when we met. When I asked him, he said it wasn't the fact that we had sex on the first date. He said he thought about the day after and that's when he realised. So I'm not sure whether he's trying to let me down gently but was really only looking for sex to begin with.

      His profile does says "I'll know that one when I find her but for the time being I just want to meet new people and have a good time". I've learnt so much from this experience. It reinforces what is said on this blog but I wondered if you could translate some of his man-speak.

      Btw, do you think that it is a good idea for a woman in her twenties to go on dates with several people at a time. This is generally not the convention here in the UK but I'm wondering if this would be a good idea because it would allow me to think about men more objectively and stop me getting too attached.

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    5. Date lots of guys at the same time, it's normal in the UK now as well (I do and I live in London). Just don't sleep with the guys until they show commitment. Guys will often try to sleep with a girl even if they don't know if she's for him or not.

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    6. That's a good idea. A male friend told me that I need to establish my views on sex because I'm on the fence about whether I think sleeping with a guy early in a relationship is a good idea. I want a guy as highly sexed as me. I will have to find better ways at evaluating sexual compatibility without having sex with a guy. And I'm pretty laid back about sex. I think it's fun whether or not you have love with it, but that having it with love is better. I don't think sex is signing a relationship contract. I guess I can't win them all. Some men won't like this attitude, some will understand it. Either way you have to pick one don't you?

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    7. "He said he thought about the day after and that's when he realised. So I'm not sure whether he's trying to let me down gently but was really only looking for sex to begin with."

      It sounds to me like he is being completely honest with you. If he said in his profile "I want to have a good time" then it is pretty clear that he wants to sleep around, though it isn't uncommon for a guy to want to have fun while he looks for his wife. In fact I think most guys (in the US anyway) harbor romantic ideas about their future wife even if they are players in the meantime. Americans (and the English, in fact, at least to a degree) are romantics.

      This guy is not trying to sugar coat anything, especially if he openly tells you "I want someone who is as hot as me" (his obvious implication of course being that you aren't - at least in his eyes). He asked you a few "pre-screen" questions via e-mail just to make sure you weren't perfect for him before he went for the easy sex. If you were on his radar as someone he wanted to date seriously, he probably would have been a little more hesitant about pushing for sex.

      "Btw, do you think that it is a good idea for a woman in her twenties to go on dates with several people at a time."

      I agree with Finnish's response to you above.

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    8. "I will have to find better ways at evaluating sexual compatibility without having sex with a guy."

      I've always thought that between a person's sense of humor and their kissing style you can tell everything you need to know about how they'll be in bed.

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    9. Thank you Andrew. I made a mistake though I see the positive side. I let my rules slip slightly for one night of pleasure, then everything you said, I tested and it proved true. I won't ever ask a guy for a second date. I'll learn to figure them out better. Your words were harsh and blunt, but they were what I needed. I can understand why men aren't fully truthful. They fear being trapped by a woman's words and once you say something, it takes on a power of its own.

      I have realised that he's pretty immature, a bit of Walter Mitty character. You can't tell those guys straight away. Initially it comes across as charming confidence. Then when you dig beneath the surface, you realise you're talking to an overgrown boy who may be delightful as a friend, but probably not as a long-term lover.

      I also wanted to note that I am British. People here can say that they're "looking for a good time" and not mean sex. I always found us Brits to be more subtle than some Americans. The American men I've dated have shot straight from the hip. They say what they mean even if it's really blunt. British men tend to be more vague and maybe a little less aggressive. They won't walk up to a woman and ask her on a date. I find American men as charming as British men but in a different way.

      Oh and you were right in your other post. I think we were mismatched because he's submissive like I am. He is pretty outgoing but I think that naturally he is less dominant, though it wasn't immediately obvious to me. He wants the type of girl who'll talk a lot to carry the conversation more otherwise I think he feels pressured about being in charge. I'm not horribly quiet. I do initiate but he wants a really chatty woman. I'm more the quiet girl who becomes an animal in the bedroom and is deep and sensual.

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    10. Don't feel too bad about what happened.You were lucky in a sense that you haven't wasted too much time on this guy.I have a male friend who uses online dating,its relatively easy for him to set up dates with multiple women so I assume this is what most men are doing online.Take the advice on this blog and use your intuition and you'll do fine.

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  13. There was a post on HUS which mentioned that women shouldn't talk too much about the guy they're dating with friends. Do men worry about women gossiping? Do men gossip with their mates (into explicit details)?

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    1. Not really, no, we don't worry about women gossiping. Men don't really "gossip" either.

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    2. When I was younger and more naive, I thought it would be okay to share details of my sex life with female friends. This was a natural inclination of mine. I didn't think anything of telling my best girlfriend about my boyfriend's erection problems. Now I don't always unless I need advice, or if I do, I keep that under wraps. I find it freaks the guy out which I never thought of before. I now realise that having respect for my man will involve keeping our sex life as secret as possible.

      Also men do gossip about you with their friends when you're not exclusive with each other. I had casual sex with this guy but I didn't let him have round two after he told someone else that I'm "a freak in bed". I live in quite a small town and one night I had a threesome with a couple of guys, nothing serious. Trouble was that I was then approached out of the blue by some guy I didn't know who'd heard about me. I haven't even slept with a lot of people - much less than 10! I'm out of that phase but I think it's worth pointing out that casual sex depends on the context. If you don't want to attract attention, you have to do it outside of your social circle.

      I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to tell my next boyfriend about my threesome. I don't see a reason to mention it. What do you think, Andrew?

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    3. Another few queries about discretion.

      Social Media:-

      Andrew, do you think there should be rules about social media relating to dating? I would love to read a post on that. You could touch upon a lot of topics - using Facebook for dating; when it's the right time to talk/or add a guy online; how not to scare off men online; what to share on Facebook when you're in a relationship; how to use 'female game' online. Personally I think of it like this. I never add men to Facebook because I think it violates the scarcity rule, and I will never be the one to change the relationship status to "in a relationship". I do not initiate chats with men. I have hidden my Facebook profile but I may unhide it if I can see a reason for it to be useful in dating.

      And if I like someone, I won't tell anyone. I don't want the guy to think I'm really into him ;)

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    4. I don't think you should tell your boyfriend that you've had a threesome (especially when it was two guys one girl) - at least not until the relationship is well established. I wrote a post about this a while back.

      I don't have a Facebook profile so I don't really know enough about it to write a post about it. If you send me an e-mail with specific questions I can try to answer them.

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    5. Andrew, I think it's really cool that you don't have a facebook! I've thought about going off facebook before but I've actually thought that men I would be dating might find that anti-social or something. Do you think they would? Also, even though its a bit irrelevant: why did you decide to not have a facebook?

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  14. Questions to ask to filter men:

    1. Ask them about their past relationships but not in great detail. Ask too many questions and it will put them off. It's not the done thing. But do find out gradually why their last relationship ended. The reason isn't actually as important as how they talk about it.
    2. Find out about other women in their lives, female friends, whether they have sisters and about their relationship with their mother. A lot of that will transfer onto how they treat you.
    3. Find out whether he has any close friends, and how often he sees them, how long they've known each other etcetera. It shows how responsible and respected a man is if he can keep friends. And if he has a close friend, you know he won't always cling to you.
    4. Judge him on the company he keeps. The men he hangs out with will often reflect what stage of life he is at. If most of his friends are in long-term relationships or engaged, he'll be more likely to be serious. I worry when a man has a lot of bachelor friends who like partying. I was dumped by a guy partly because he was persuaded by a single friend that the same life was meant for him. Less than 6 months later, and he comes to me complaining about a girlfriend he had, which amused me at the time.

    Andrew,

    Your post on female game has helped a lot. My current issue is in filtering men properly by asking the right questions. I have an idea of my core values and ask based on that. But I wondered if you had any other ideas for questions? I also want to know how to filter guys without coming across as too intense, especially when asking them about their past relationships or about other women. I am pretty laid back and I want to come across that way.

    How do I ask a man important filtering questions without looking over-invested in him?

    Thanks. Keep up the good work! :)

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  15. Filtering, need more elaboration.

    Also how about recognizing when a guy is playing us vs being serious? I know guys say anything and most guys read pua books/websites, so what can we do to filter them out? what questions should we ask, what signs should we be looking for?

    AnonymousLilly

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  16. Oh Andrew, I have no game. Really I have no idea sometimes what triggers sexual attraction in men, and what triggers emotional attraction or what would make them want to see me again. Is there anything I can read to give me a clue on that? I try asking my girlfriends but they don't always know.

    I am a bit shy. I play up the mysterious thing a lot and I'm very flirtatious but I make an awful lot of faux pas. I manage okay stimulating sexual attraction in men but the emotional attraction is difficult. Someone told me men like it if you're playful with your sense of humour and if you act like a challenge. That's about all I really know so far.

    What do guys think when you buy them a gift? Went over to this guy's place for a movie night and brought him a bottle of beer. It went down very awkwardly though.

    Thanks for your advice.

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    Replies
    1. Read the blog. All of your questions are answered here. Try starting with the post Who Is This Girl?

      Delete
  17. This is an awesome post. It's excellent. I am a 22 year old woman, very beautiful, intelligent (I am studying for the Bar exam after doing a law degree). I want to get married and have children before I am thirty. I am ultra-feminine and like I said very beautiful, except I am an introvert. I think that being an introvert will make me a great wife and lover though. I am interested in dating older men, definitely. I am usually approached by older men, though these men are too old for me. I think that the young men my age are intimidated by me, they can't handle me so to speak as I am more of an 'old soul'. This blog is amazing.

    God bless you.

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    1. >> I am usually approached by older men, though these men are too old for me. I think that the young men my age are intimidated by me, they can't handle me


      My chosen interpretation is that you are not as beautiful as you estimate. Beautiful women CONSTANTLY get approached by high-value men of all ages; you are ONLY getting approached by men who are actually ready to settle down NOW. In a man's mind, this is the only card he has to play, so he wants to get maximal value for it. He wants to marry the higher-value (= younger) woman.

      Driven, ambitious women seldom make sweet loving spouses, if you believe the manosphere. In fact, marrying an intelligent, ambitious young woman lawyer is pretty much guaranteed to give the man little-to-no sex until AFTER she makes Senior Partner in 20 years. Well, raise your hand if you think that that sounds like a good sales point to a normal man.


      You may be able to catch a Bill Clinton type. Is that what you want?

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  18. Hi Andrew,

    I don't know if you have ever taken a look at the actual "The Rules" book? I've read through both "The Rules" and "The Rules 2". There is a lot of good advice in it, but some things I thought were questionable. It preaches acting hard to get, allowing the man to do all of the work, never saying "I miss you" or any kind of compliment. You are supposed to ignore the man, and always let him contact you, and respond once in awhile to him. Essentially, it gave me the impression that I should kind of act like a robot. Normally I'm a very responsive woman. I'm very flirtatious, and friendly but to the end of the extreme, I think I became too available with my time and efforts. So I tried "The Rules" out for about a year, and my love life died a slow death, albeit I was busy with work, but still. Now I am going back to my old ways, and being sweet and buttering up men and it is working like a charm. What do you think of these methods in "The Rules"? Do you agree with them, or do you think it is more beneficial for a woman to give off the impression she is actually interested, and remain responsive to men? I have noticed that when I am very responsive to a man, he becomes very responsive as well. And the more flirtatious I am, the more crazy he gets about me. What do you think?

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    1. I hope Andrew will reply to you as well, but think you should take the book with a pinch of salt. There are some overall good points about it, but don't follow it religiously.

      Think this lady explains it quite well (skip the beginning about her hair):

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmAiZiFBLG4

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    2. Never read the book "The Rules" but I think that it's important to show a man you're interested in that you are interested. Otherwise, how else would he know? You need to give him something to go off of. This could be through compliments, flirting etc. Just don't go overboard with anything. That may give him too much confidence and he may think that you're so into him that he can get you anytime. Don't reveal too much too soon and keep a level of mystery until you know where you stand with him. Have him second guessing whether or not you really are into him, but not so much that he gives up. Let him see you being kind to everyone. Smile and laugh. Make yourself pleasant to be around. Make him feel good about himself when he's around you and he will want to continue to be in your company. Be responsive and continue being responsive until he makes his intentions known. Then decide if that is something you want.

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  19. Imagine that. -Teaching women how to think!
    rofl

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  20. This is all great and good if the be all and end all for women in their 20's is to settle down with a guy and expect it to be happily ever after. From personal experience (I'm 40, but always mistaken for under 30 as i take care of my appearance...therefore I notoriously attract and sometimes date younger men), I would not advise young women to forget about feeling like they are "missing out" if the don't snag a man by the time they are 25. I wasted my mid 20's-early 30's on what i thought was my man-catch and until I broke away and started to travel, upgrade my education, I did not realise that I was not really living for me and expanding myself. Listen up ladies, take it from an youthful older woman who has been there, YOU follow YOUR dreams and when a man fits the picture without taking away from that, then you've scored. Please don't get so hung up on making life all about Snagging That Man that you forget about YOU. Trust me when I say I learned this the hard way. Had i thought more about what was best for me from the beginning, I would not have had to experience feeling Missing Out and compromising my Identity.

    DON'T DO IT!!! NOT WORTH IT!!

    If the ultimate goal in your life is to settle down and have babies then this adivice is golden. But please don't let social pressure to snag a guy rob you of doing "You," whatever that is...travel, education, any other accomplishment that YOU want to focus on. Believe me, if you've satisified your need to explore life before you settle into a chapter that will have you permanently tied down, you will feel so much more ready for it and not have to wonder "what if."

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    1. Not to mention the fact that a lot of women are waiting till well into their 30's to have kids....and why are people soooo hung up on reproducing in an overpopulated world anyway?? what would happen if you got over yourself and the idea that the world full of orphans needs YOUR offspring?? Really there is nothing stopping you from doing everything you want....and satisfying you maternal urges...on your own time and life schedule.

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    2. Thanks, this is the way I've always thought.

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  21. So many young women seem to think that before they settle down they need to travel, get financially secure, establish themselves in their career, finish their education, etc, to find themselves and gain fulfillment. While I think it's true that achieving goals can help boost a young woman's confidence, I don't believe it's absolutely necessary for her to spend her entire 20's doing so. For example, if the average woman finishes her undergrad degree and starts her career by about 21 or 22, and budgets carefully, she can be well on her way to meet her goals of education, career, financial security, before the end of her early 20s. when she'll still be in her prime and at her most eligible marriage and most likely to marry as well as she possibly can. As for the travel, that can be done during spring and summer breaks on school, or even after graduating from her undergrad degree when she starts to work and make the money needed to afford it. But really, speaking from experience, I'm in my late 20s and thought that travel would help me to find myself and gain fulfillment when I was younger, but it really didn't. I wish I'd spent that time and money on other things that could have better benefited me.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. There's also the option of taking spring and summer classes in college. If a student does this every year, they could be graduated a semester to a year earlier. Most spring summer classes also only last a few weeks to a couple months,so students would still have time to work and holiday.

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    2. "But really, speaking from experience, I'm in my late 20s and thought that travel would help me to find myself and gain fulfillment when I was younger, but it really didn't. I wish I'd spent that time and money on other things that could have better benefited me."

      Thank you for this comment. I'm thinking about travelling but I'm not sure whether to do it or not. Part of me says "Yes" because it might look good for the CV. The other part of me knows that I've already traveled to 14 countries and there's no rush to go to any more.

      You make a great point. I guess partly what I get from what you're saying is that if you do something, you should do it because you really want to and not only for the reward. Whilst, I don't think I'd do something like travelling for the trivial reason of becoming more interesting to other people; if I wanted to do it, I wouldn't not to do it for the sake of being around at some fortuitous time to meet men.

      That's what life is about, right? A whole series of trial-and-error decisions. Will think a bit more about my proposed travels now thanks to your post. As a woman in her early twenties, this is definitely something I've been thinking about.

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    3. Wow, I've never heard anyone say they regretted spending time traveling!

      I started my career very young, saved up some money, did a masters abroad and have continued living abroad and traveling ever since. (I'm now in my late 20s)

      How does traveling limit you from meeting men? I think puts you in contact with more and different kinds of men! It complicates your life a bit if you fall in love with someone from another country... but it's also kind of exciting :)

      Delete
    4. @Sally,

      I'm anon at Mar 16, 1:39 and 2:25 and the one who Lucy was responding too in her post about traveling. I don't necessarily think that traveling limits the men you meet, however, if the young woman is looking to meet someone from her city, or her culture/race, then it can. For those who are open to dating different cultures, races and outside their cities, then it might work, but if not, then yeah, it probably would take away time from meeting eligible men. Aside from that, I just don't think traveling provides people with the type of fulfillment that that they seem to think they'll get from it, unless they're there on some kind of mission, to fulfill a goal or contribute towards something, etc. If they're just sightseeing, laying on the beach, shopping, partying, etc, then sure it will be a good time, but I don't think it's enough for them to "find themselves." I'm in my late 20s now, and I've only been on few trips which I regret spending all the time and money on. I just feel like I could have focusing on other goals, and other things that would have brought me greater and more long lasting fulfillment.

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    5. @ Lucy "The other part of me knows that I've already traveled to 14 countries and there's no rush to go to any more. "

      Lucy, the traveling is up to you, but if you were to take a break from it, I'm thinking you'd still have plenty of time to make up for it later on-the countries you want to visit aren't going anywhere, lol.

      Besides, you've already been to 14 which is more than some people see in their lifetimes, so it's not as though you haven't had the chance to experience it yet. Please see my comment to Sally above.

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    6. @Lucy, btw you're very welcome for my post on Mar 16. Sorry for the late reply! But glad I could help:)

      Delete
  22. I'm 20 and the oldest man I've dated was 23. I thought he would be mature but he wasn't. So, I guess it depends on the guy. Some guys are more mature than others and vice versa. I have become a bit jaded in the way that I don't take as much off guys like I used to. The second I feel bs, I will leave and never speak to him again. I'm optimistic about new relationships, but I don't have a high tolerance anymore, unfortunately.

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    1. True, older guys aren't always more mature, but keep in mind 23 year old men are still fairly young-still in their early 20s, so that might explain some of the lack of maturity with your ex, though not all young are immature. Have you considered someone older? Maybe mid-late 20s? It's not guaranteed they'll be more mature than guys your age, but I'm thinking it would at least be more likely.

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  23. I cant name a single 25 year old that was hotter than she was when she was 18.....

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    1. I did...but that's because I still looked like a kid at 18.

      Delete
  24. Margarita NikolayevnaMay 15, 2013 at 11:01 AM

    Question for anyone here: This is great advice, as I'm now just entering my 20s. I might add a 4th part, though: Choosing good boyfriends who could become good husbands. But how does a girl choose? There are two schools of thought in dating now that she is constantly bombarded with - one school of thought that says, "Don't settle for Mr. Right Now - live up to your full potential and date someone who is truly right for you" and one school of thought that says, "Don't be unrealistic - he doesn't have to be Mr. Perfect, he just needs to be Mr. Sufficient (see Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him").

    I understand that many women have their checklists for what qualities Mr. Right has, but how do you know when your checklist is getting too long or when you're being too picky? Conversely, how do you know when you could do much better but you find yourself settling?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too Smart to FailJuly 20, 2013 at 6:42 PM

      Easy, settle for Mr. Right right away and enjoy being in love as long as you can while the rest of confused woman grow old with no one.
      Second, don't put out, no blow jobs or anal until you're engaged.
      (That means for you no friend with benefits or one-nighter's, non-negotiable.)
      If the guy won't agree to it, next.
      If the guy won't wait, how can he prove he loves you?
      Third, don't listen to school's of thought, they want you in the same sinking ship as them.
      Fourth, maintain your figure and feminine radiance.
      Fifth, Demonstrate you have the best motherly qualities for his children, the qualities of a best friend, and are of similiar intelligence and or educational background with mutual things in common.

      You should be good to go!

      Delete
  25. This is total bullshit...

    ReplyDelete
  26. Awesome blog! I am so glad I found it. Your advice makes total sense to me, thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm 29, born and raised in Canada. I'm non-white, but am often mistaken for Greek or Eastern European. I was recently approached by this white guy at McDonald's who asked me where I'm from. I've experienced a lot of negativity in regards to my ethnic/racial background in the past, so when someone calls attention to my ethnicity, I tend to feel uncomfortable and sometimes get defensive; especially if the inquiry is coming from a white person, as that's who I've most often experienced the racism from.

    To get back to the point, when the guy asked me where I'm from, I responded with a polite smile but also in a kind of defensive way,"where do you think?" he guessed Greek,I replied Canadian. Then I asked asked him where he was from, (again somewhat defensively) and he said Turkish. He looked like a white guy, so I was surprised, but then I remembered some Turkish people are fair-skinned, and I actually said that to him, (trying in some awkward way to salvage the conversation after realizing I came across as less friendly and approachable than intended, though I don't think my attempts helped much.) I felt kind of bad afterwards, because I don't think the guy who was asking about my ethnic background meant to offend me, especially since he's a minority too and would probably know a thing or two about discrimination.

    To make matters worse, my male cousin who I was meeting there just walked in as we were finishing talking, and the guy asked him if he was my bf. I don't why, but I said yes. Then my cousin corrected me and told him we're cousins. To make matters worse, my cousin asked me if the guy was bothering me right in front of the guy! I felt bad, and quickly said, no he's fine. I felt pretty awful that my cousin asked him that, and on top of my own faux pas with the poor guy.After the guy turned away to take his order, my cousin asked me if I thought the guy was hot, and I started laughing out of nervousness/embarrassment, which made me feel even worse because I thought the guy might have thought I was laughing at him. Yeah I know, epic fail right? What should I have done differently?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Too Smart To FailJuly 20, 2013 at 4:30 PM

    I can tell you that it is false that men in their 20's are not ready to settle down.
    Look at pre-world war II marriage rates and average age married.
    Hell, both my grandmas and grandfathers married before 20.
    Despite the author's advice, it will have no effect on the increasing trend of declining marriage rates and increasing age's of first time marriage for both sexes.

    Marriage is being boycotted by men from coast to coast because it is not a level playing field. Woman are boycotting marriage because they been socially trained to become independant and quite frankly, can't look at today's boys as men.

    It used to be, since the beginning of time, that men with the whold package were the first pecking order, and why shouldn't they be?
    I'm offended that once highly desirable qualities, characteristics, and attributes get one stereotyped by woman in this day and age as a
    'Infidelity Liability'.
    She won't date a guy who's out of her league because God forbid, she might give up her most valuable power; her beauty and the control that comes with it over him.
    I notice frantic woman growing out of their 'babe stage' grabbing the first ugly guy they see because they know he will appreciate them, when in fact, the same could be said, "If he got you, he can get another you!"

    So the trend of woman becoming more insecure and burning their 437-point male checklist is in effect, I see it everyday.

    And I'm supposed to feel special that a woman out of her prime with 20+ sex partners under her belt wants to marry me.

    Lucky Me!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hi Andrew I have just discovered ur blog n find it very informative.I am in my mid twenties n looking to settle down.I am currently working and studying parttime.I was in a 5 year relationship dat endened a year ago and have been with a few guys frm last yea.I am love going out to clubs bars..So last month I met a guy in a club he wasnt intrested in biyin me a drink but instead told me tell him wen i want to leave he take my friends n I home.He ddnt tk my number so i left the club with a friend to anada club only to find him there,he ddnt remember my mame wgich was a total turn off for me.then the following day i attended the jazz festival den on sunday there was a picnic i saw him.but he never saw me.So 4 days ago i met him again in a local bar and he ddnt rember my name.This time I was really mad i told him dat im meetin him for the 3rd time and he took my number afta i had askd him not to if he wnt use it.Ths time he offered to buy my friend n i drinks.b4 we knew it da bar was closin so we oved to a club close by.Wen we goy there he bought dnks and i realid dat he was getting attetion from guys n gitls all .of them addressing him with his 1st .name.I tried to ignore the attention he was getting but wht i found weird was him introducing me as hs girlfriend to most people who was greeting him.so da noght wa ova n it was time to go home he wanted to come sleep at my place i refused n he wasnt happy abt it n i tot id never c him again.So sat he phones me n ask to goout,so we went to a friends place dey had a party n there was a lot of old guys most of dem r married.so wen we get there there was only two women so i was really uncomfortable n ask h to take me home he said he wanted to be with me so we ended up going to a bar where i felt i was in a parade coz everyone knew him.He was friendly with evryone we found a table ordered but people we flockin in to our table.I staryed getting worried becoz i have been in this neibohood for 2 years n never seen or heard of him.so i ask him y people knew him so much.he ddnt tell me.Im having dinner with him tomoro night I dnt knw if he is serious about me or not.Id like you to please advice me of how to act arrd him,how to find out if he is swrious aboute or not.what shoudnt i ask.will i be wronge if i ask him to take thinhs slow..plz heeeelp!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sandy,
      This man is a Pimp. With a capital P.

      Delete
  30. how is he a pimp??.

    By Sandy*confused*

    ReplyDelete
  31. I disagree with this article. If women follow this advice and only date older men they will be dating baby daddies and baggage. This is coming from a 28 year old man without kids too. If these young women are cool with that than I guess the advice MIGHT work, but probably not.

    Most men if they want to get married are getting married right after college (22-24 years old). You can't dispute that fact. Sure their are exceptions, I'm one of them, but just look around. Not saying just date your age and younger and not to date older guys but this advice is not accurate. Even as a guy in his late twenties, dating close to your own age is preferred albeit challenging sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most men are not getting married right out of college. A man's most likely to settle down a few years after he's finished his education (after a few years of independence). So men with no education marry the earliest, men with grad school or Phd marry the latest. The average age of first marriage for men in the US is 29.
      http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/getting-married-later-is-great-for-college-educated-women/274040/
      In Europe it is higher, around 31-33 for West Europe.

      The best thing for women who want to get married is to find a guy a few years older than themselves when they're in their mid twenties. If they postpone it for too long, the guys that are older than them might be divorced with children, but that's the price they have to pay.

      Delete
  32. Hi Andrew,

    I am in my mid-twenties and met a guy who is late 30s, no children, college educated and creative. I have been single for a while in short term relationships. The last six months hve been up and down as I explored my sexuality, swinging and being bi with a much older, wealthy guy. In a way I picked up some bad habits and have embraced being single but am always looking for love. I sort of fell in love with the guy I was swinging with and have had a hard time letting go. He's always available therefore easy access to fun and no ties. He encourages my pleasure and I have become hedonistic.

    Now I face a problem. I have met a guy who i did sleep with on first date but is STILL INTERESTED. Within a couple of weeks I've gone out to dinners, hung out and met family which I like. My big fear is the sacrifice I might have to make. I don't have that passion for him that I do with the other guy but I can't deny how caring and kind and sweet he is towards me and how he makes time for me. He is a real gentleman. But I am not innocent and am afraid of having to live a vanilla albeit loving lifestyle for a man that I see as husband material. He said he has never been in an orgy. I know it is not common but I do enjoy having the option to share. I am also afraid of ruining it bc I just have not been monogomous for a while now and it feels like going from one extreme to considering a safer, more calm lifestyle. I don't want to rush but I honestly don't want to miss an opportunity to find love over something which seems shallow which is my very strong sexuality.

    Lol I almost feel like an animal that yearned for domestication and never got it, and now there is an opportunity for it but I am afraid. I'm a freak now...what should I do. What do you think?

    Btw I am also college educated but am more unstable financially and going for grad degree soon.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I am 24 and the innocent type with very little dating experience, unfortunately. What kinds of guys should I be looking for, and how do I put myself out there without being weird?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Baiyulan,
      You sound like me. What I should have done at your age, but didn't and highly regret it, is the following. At your age I was in graduate school so this would have been very easy for me to do. Find a female friend (or even male friend) in business school, law school or medical school, and ask to attend attend parties/social gathering that are happening in their biz school/ law school/med school circles. Dress classy, definitely wear heels and a skirt. Even if you are not in grad school right now, you can probably find friends who are in biz/law/med school. All you have to do is attend and look good and be pleasant, men will notice you and talk to you. I so regret not doing this. Last night I was at a male-dominant charity event, dressed as I describe above, and within 5 minutes I had two invitations to dinner. I was not interested as I am in a good relationship right now, but I was struck by how many men (dominant age group was late 30s-60s) were very much looking. Not all should have been, because most were married, but they were looking. Can you imagine what it would be like in the age group you are targeting? Also, you might want to get involved with charities that draw men (don't want to blow my cover so not telling which kinds, but I'm sure you can figure it out), great way to meet all sorts of men.

      Despite the advice you see on this blog, I do not advise young women putting themselves out there in bars.

      Delete
  34. thats what it seems like, why is it that women in their late teens and throughout their 20's, is when they have their highest dating/sexual market value? thats when they have loads, tons of options with men, but it seems to decline once they reach their 30's?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Can you explain this guy to me?
    I met him online and knows someone that I know , we was talking for a bit getting to know each other but he was quite full on at first , he was telling me that he wanted to come an visit me and spend time with me but I was reluctant for him to visit me an stay so soon so i suggested that when I'm back it town we could meet. 3 weeks after talking , I finally met up with him and we watched a movie and he cooked me dinner and we ended up sleeping together.

    He originally told me that he didn't want things to go too slow so after meeting him I ask him if it was going slow and he told me it wasn't going fast enough ! Since then we have been talking regularly but I've noticed that I tend to be the one messaging him first . He was due to come and visit me but was not able to due to work.

    I was unsure about why all of a sudden why he wasn't talking to me as much an told him I think we should just be friends , in which he replied he does not just want to be friends and he likes seeing me and would like to see me when im back in town. He's 26 and i'm 22. I've been back in town for about 2 weeks and i've messaged him saying it would be good to meet again , but he has not asked to see me or make any plans and I will be moving to study soon.

    I really like him a lot but feel as though I messed up by sleeping with him. Is there anyway I can try an make this work ? or is he really not interested ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This might be a little blunt (forgive me if it comes across that way), but I don't think he's really interested in much more than sleeping with you. He doesn't want to "just be friends" if that involves not sleeping with you, so he won't cut you off. But a guy who doesn't make consistent efforts to be with you (in both a sexual capacity and a non-sexual capacity) isn't too interested in being your boyfriend.

      Your best bet is to cut your losses with this guy, and tell him, "Hey, I've liked spending time with you, but I'm more interested in a boyfriend than a booty call, so I think we should end this. Best of luck to you." If he decides he wants to commit in the wake of this, then great. If not, then you dodged a bullet.

      Delete
  36. hey Andrew
    is it ever not a game ruiner for a girl to make the first move with a man? I'm a teaching assistant & am really into a guy who was my student last semester, but i feel like my being in a position of authority might keep him from asking me out, even though he's older. Is there any way for a girl to make the first move in a situation like this without killing her game?

    ReplyDelete
  37. You can ask him out casually for the first time for a coffee or a quick snack together. During the conversation, pay attention to whether he is also interested to see you. If he is, then congratulations, you can proceed to ask him out for a slightly more former date. Being your student should not prevent him from wanting to see you; after all this status will not last forever.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Why should a women (mid twenties) avoid a guy 8 years plus? My BF is 10 years older I'm 27 he's 37. My dads wife did ask me why he was not 'taken' or if he was divorced when I told her about him so I can see the wisdom that he might have some kinda fatal flaw. He had an 8 year relationship that didn't go the distance so he's not a non committal...Im looking for a post about this specifically and doesn't seem to have one...

    ReplyDelete
  39. This whole blog is great. As a guy who is divorced, 50, and a new empty-nester, I have moved on to founding a startup tech company and dating much much younger women. All of my friends who are married to spouses their age live SUCH elderly geezerish lives and I'm simply not ready to, yet.

    ReplyDelete