No, You Aren't a Good Wing Woman

The other night I was out with a friend who had invited some of his coworkers to join us at the bar. A couple of these coworkers were girls. After everyone had arrived, my friend and I started looking around and talking about which girls in the bar we wanted to talk to. One of his female coworkers overheard us and immediately lit up. She jumped into the conversation: “Oh! Which one do you like? Point her out to me. I’ll go and…”

“Wait.” I said, interrupting her. I knew exactly what she was going to say. “Let me guess. You are going to walk over there and get her to talk to me, because you are ‘a great wing woman’ – right?”

The expression of surprise that broke across her face made it clear that I’d hit the nail on the head. But her enthusiasm wasn't deflated yet.

“I am a great wing woman!” she insisted. “Come on, point her out to me, I am awesome at this.”

“Haha riiiight,” I said sarcastically, “you and every other girl…”

I've had this conversation with girls dozens of times. In fact, I've never met a girl who has claimed to be anything less than "the best" or "a great" wing woman. And every time I've let them demonstrate their "skill," they've failed miserably. Unleashing my frustration at so many similarly self-deceived women, I explained this to her, then drove my point home:

“Girls seem to think that ‘being a good wing woman’ means walking up to another girl and asking her about some article of clothing she is wearing, or where she gets her hair done, and then ‘subtly’ (and by subtly I mean abruptly) transitioning into ‘hey, you have to meet my friend Andrew.’ It’s completely transparent, makes me look like I don’t have the balls to do it myself, and generally undermines any chance I would have had with her to begin with. So, I am sorry, but no, you aren't a good wing woman; and no, you cannot help.”

Enthusiasm now deflated, she turned and went to find her other coworkers.

I realize that not every girl thinks she is a “great wing woman,” but I am continually surprised at how many do, how unoriginal their approach invariably is, how vacuous their claims of greatness are, and how enthusiastic they are about the whole thing. My only guess is that, being so used to a passive role in the whole “pickup” exchange, these girls believe that the opposite task is simple, and simultaneously want to exercise some kind of agency in the process for once – in the same way that many men believe that girls "just" have to look good and show up, and would love to have a girl take the initiative from time to time. In any case, after letting a few girls try and fail at it, I've stopped humoring them.

I've actually had one good experience with a girl helping me to meet another girl. However, the “wing woman” never claimed to be good at what she did. In fact I didn't know until afterwards that her “game” was premeditated. Here is what happened:

My friend and I were part of a large group. He and I were talking to Girl A, who knew that I was attracted to her friend, Girl B. Girl B was talking to some other friends in another small group nearby. Without asking my permission or announcing her intentions, Girl A subtly leaned into Girl B’s group, and asked her a quick question. This drew her into our conversation. We shifted around naturally as Girl B joined our group, and Girl A positioned herself next to my friend, leaving me next to Girl B. We all talked in a group for a few minutes. Once I asked a direct question to the Girl B, Girl A turned to my friend and asked him a direct question also, splitting the conversation into two couples. A moment later, Girl A turned slightly to face my friend, so that Girl B and I were further isolated in a personal conversation. Girl B and I talked like this for about 15 minutes, and then I got her number. It was seamless.

It was so seamless, in fact, that I was suspicious, and I asked Girl A afterwards if she’d done all of that intentionally. She smiled knowingly, nodded, and didn't say another word about it. I was impressed.

So next time you find yourself tempted to brag about your wing-woman skills, stop yourself and re-learn the age-old lesson from Girl A: actions speak louder than words.


Related Posts
1. Don’t Talk Yourself Up
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
4. How to Make Yourself Approachable

How to Reject a Guy

If you aren't swooping up dudes by the dozens you might not give too much thought to this topic, but at some point it will become relevant. Whether you are getting asked by a guy for your phone number, or asked out on a date, or pressured for sex - or even if you are proposed to, if you don't want to say yes, remember the following:

1. He can handle it. At least, he should be able to. Any man who wants to stand even a modest chance of success in the dating world needs to learn how to handle rejection, so don't shy from the task. Your concern for his feelings should never stop you from being up-front with him.

2. He wants to know the truth. He wants to be with you, but only if you reciprocate that feeling. You wouldn't want to be with a guy who was apathetic about you. Likewise, he'd rather know your true feelings than have your insincere acceptance.

3. He doesn't want his time wasted. If you aren't interested, he wants to start looking elsewhere as soon as possible (just as you should).

4. His primary emotion will be anger if you've only just met him or haven't been dating very long. Men take longer than women to get emotionally involved, so in the early stages of a relationship, his pride will be hurt far more than his heart or soul. While women will usually respond to this kind of rejection with sadness, men much more likely to be offended and angered, regardless of how well they hide it. So say what you have to quickly, and get the fuck out of there to let him cool off.

5. There is no way to soften the blow. This is what women (and probably men, too) forget the most when they reject a guy. You're telling him he isn't good enough for you, and that salient point will break through any bullshit you try to pad it with, so don't try. Additions like "I really like you, but..." are unnecessary and only make you sound insincere. The best way to deal with the inevitable is to plow through it as quickly as possible.

6. Most guys will persist at least a little. Don't be surprised or act indignant if he tries to convince you to go out with him, or to give you his number, or to stay with him. Men are rational by nature, and this kind of reasoning works on us, so we assume it will work on you too. Humor his reasoning by politely repeating your reasons (if it is a break up) or simply your refusal (if he is asking for a date or your number).

With that background, you should be able to appreciate the general strategy for rejecting a man, which is to be clear, direct and brief. That is to say, make sure he knows you are rejecting him, suppress the urge to make excuses for why you don't want him, and reject him quickly.

To state the same things in negative terms:

• Don't be vague in an attempt to soften the blow. Make sure he knows that you are saying "no" or breaking up with him.
• Don't make excuses about why you can't give him your number, or go out with him, or date him anymore.
• Don't try to soften the rejection by adding all kinds of caveats or compliments or by "talking it through." If you are ending a relationship there is a good chance he will want to talk about it, probably in attempt to reason with you (see #6 above), but I suggest you avoid this as much as possible. You can always talk to him later after he's had time to think about it.

When it comes to being asked out or called, you do have the option of ignoring his text or call, but this is fairly rude. I do it to girls sometimes, but it is a better all-around policy to answer and follow the guidelines above. If you don't give your number to a guy or lead him on when you don't like him, this probably won't be an issue anyway, since you will be looking forward to hearing from him.


Related Posts
1. How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 1
2. What it Is Like to Be Rejected By Girls
3. Get Used to Rejection
4. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing

Should You Give a Guy Your Last Name?

I used to ask girls for their last name when I got their phone numbers. I would do this for two reasons:

1. Because it was normally a hint about their ethnic background or family history, which could lead to interesting conversation or tell me a little more about her.
2. Because there was an empty field for it in my phone contact and I felt compelled to complete it.

A lot of girls balked at my request for their last name. This was understandable, since they didn't know me well, and I supposed they didn't like the idea that I might be able to look them up online. Enough women refused (I'd say more than half) that I eventually stopped asking. After all, I would learn it eventually, and it didn't matter much in the meantime. I could curb my need to complete the empty field in my contacts, and if I was curious to know their ethnic background I would just ask about it.

I suspect other guys have had similar experiences, so it is fair to say that most men won't mind if you don't give them your last name - this is expected. Certainly they won't hold it against you if they ask for it and you tell them "I'll tell you when we get to know each other a little better."

However, on rare occasions I will ask a girl for her number and she will actually volunteer her last name. This seems like a small thing, but in retrospect it goes a long way in forming my initial impression of a girl. Again, I would never hold it against her if she didn't want to give me her last name, but her offering it is like a breath of fresh air. In the middle of a world of skepticism, mistrust, and concern about stalking, you suddenly stumble upon someone who trusts, who is open, candid, and unassuming. Some might call these girls naive, but from the perspective of a guy who is genuinely interested in getting to know her, it is a sign of goodwill, openness and trust. This is very endearing and feminine. People tend to expect from others what they are disposed to themselves, so a girl who is willing to give you her last name is the kind of girl that assumes the best of everyone - probably because she is a good person herself. This is the kind of girl that men like.

So the next time he is taking down your number, offer your last name too.