Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

In the comments to a recent post, I suggested that a reader not give up entirely on the idea of meeting guys in bars. Another reader asked why not:
"I'm curious that you suggest not to write off the bar scene entirely. I'd be interested to know your reasons for this and also what kinds of bars to spend time in versus which ones not to."
The way I see it, it shouldn't be necessary to prove that bars and nightclubs are a good place to meet guys; this is ostensibly the case: they are full of people of a similar age, looking their best, in a social mood, with no obligations to prevent them from meeting new people and engaging in conversation. On top of all of that, approaching random members of the opposite sex is socially acceptable in bars, to the point that it is almost expected. There is also an unlimited supply of alcohol - the most potent social lubricant.

It is only when you start to look more closely that you start to see some of the negatives:
  • A fairly large portion of the patrons are interested in - if not actively looking for - casual sex.
  • A lot of guys rely too heavily on alcohol to approach women, and end up being drunk and sloppy.
  • It is often too noisy to have a good conversation.
  • There is a lot of competition.
The real question is whether or not these negatives outweigh the obvious positives. I don't think they do.
  • Yes, a lot of men are looking for casual sex, but if you filter properly, the time you waste on them will be negligible. 
  • The guys that drink too much are easy to spot and are essentially filtering themselves out for you. 
  • Noise makes things difficult but not impossible in most cases, and it can be controlled by being selective about where you go. 
  • The additional competition you'll face in a bar isn't as big of a deal as it might seem, since all men have different taste in women
Even if these negative points exclude a significant portion of the men in a given bar or nightclub as potential dates, there are still more remaining than you could meet in most other places. In other words, despite the presence of guys that are not worth talking to, you can you get more exposure to more men in a short period of time in bars than you can elsewhere.

I'll post Part 2 soon, which will discuss how to choose a venue.


  1. Interesting points. I get annoyed with bars from time to time but I think I'd have to agree that the negatives don't outweigh the positives. I have a question(/maybe idea for a post?). I am 27, I would say attractive (I run, do yoga, very into fashion, have long hair).

    I also have a career that tends to intimidate guys. I didn't really realize this until one guy (thankfully) told me just straight out. I mostly date guys I meet through work or work functions. But it's not working out for other reasons--namely that they are competitive as hell. However, guys that I meet at bars are either totally intimidated, put off, or they are guys that are nice and impressed but I would never date (i.e., unemployed or complete lack of drive/passion for life). How do I handle this? Ideally I'd like to find a guy that not only tolerates ambitious yet chill, fun playful girls, but WANTS one. Any thoughts?
    PS. I am just being honest about look and career for the sake of good and accurate advice! Hopefully no one puts me on blast for saying I'm attractive. It just sounds so odd typing that!

    1. My first question is "what is your job?" because I can't think of one that men would categorically find intimidating. You might try dating guys that have the same job, or guys with the kind of jobs that wouldn't find your intimidating. Are you dating construction workers? I ask this in jest, but there is an element of truth to it - most guys I know wouldn't find a girl's job intimidating - at least, not enough to stop dating her.

      I wouldn't get your heart set on finding a man that LOVES ambitious women, any more than a man should get his heart set on finding a woman that LOVES his passion for gardening. Both are possible, true, but they are the exception not the norm. Most men will love you in spite of your ambition, not because of it.

    2. What IS this woman's job? #seriously

    3. I'm not her, but I foresee that I may face the same problem in future.

      I'm a final year law student.

    4. I agree they sure are a good place, but then there are chances of not getting what we are looking for as an answer, so I personally decided to go for the adult dating sites free - MeetOutside to provide me all the company that I really required.

  2. Thanks Andrew, good post.

    A lot of us have heard the line from our friends telling us "you're not going to meet a good guy in a bar", but it looks like you're saying that yes, good guys looking for more than just casual sex do go to bars to meet good women who are not looking for casual sex, but proper dating ? And that the number of these good guys is still greater and more concentrated in a bar than in other venues. Nice - let it be so! ;)

    Looking forward to part 2.


    1. Good guys who are looking for a relationship do go to bars, but they often don't approach many women. I personally think that a bar is not a great way for a man to meet a decent woman because the odds are so stacked in a woman's favor. Even an average-looking woman can get a lot of attention in a bar because some guys will hit on anything even halfway decent-looking.

      Most men want a relationship with a woman who is on their level of attractive, but as the blog writer has pointed out previously, women can date men who are more attractive than them temporarily. A woman who has been hit on by 5 different guys in one night at a bar will undoubtedly get an ego boost and will think she is more attractive to men than she actually really is and if one or two of those guys are out of her league, she will probably choose one of them to go out with, even though a guy who is out of her league will probably know he is out of her league and will just want her for sex.

  3. I agree completely. Where else are you going to find ppl your age and "actively" looking to meet others? I have been in that awkward situation of hitting on a guy only to find out he is taken/not interested/etc. The bar also filters that out and you know that ppl are there to look.

  4. Makes sense. Thanks for the advice. I think I have wrongly gotten the advice to not go to bars, because "only hookups occur there." But I will have to give happy hours and the bar scene a shot (even though I don't like drinking). I'm not sure about clubs; I don't like all the noise; and clubs scream hookup to me. I also don't like dirty dancing with people I haven't talked to yet; but anyway I guess I will try that too once I settle into this new suburb that I'm moving to; I won't have a choice. I am thinking about going to comedy shows and poetry nights as well.

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