5 Winter Fashions Men Like

Most men are familiar with the "75 degree rule," which refers to the fact that, in Spring, women seem to come out from their Winter hibernation once the temperature rises above 75 degrees Fahrenheit (for those of you not burdened by an archaic system of scientific units, that is 24 degrees Celsius). Spring comes, and hot girls are suddenly out everywhere wearing shorts, dresses, small t-shirts and skirts. When I first heard of the rule, I remember speculating that perhaps girls weren't actually indoors any more than men during the winter; it was just that we noticed them less when it was cold because they were all bundled up in clothes that hid their beauty.

I still stand by my speculation, because the simple truth is that the feminine figure is more attractive when it isn't concealed  (yes, even if the woman is overweight), and the more delicate and feminine parts of a woman's body - like her neck, jawline and breasts - add nothing to her attractiveness when they are covered by a jacket or scarf. So female winter fashion is all about minimizing the effect of the extra material. To this end, the fit of your winter clothes is more important than anything else. The more your clothes follow the natural lines of your figure, the better. This doesn't mean that you always need to wear tight clothes, but it does mean that the bulky jacket your mom bought for you last year probably makes you look like a man. Three tight layers are far better than one heavy layer.

Anyway, here are five female winter fashions/considerations that will make men find you more attractive in winter. There are obviously plenty of other ways to look attractive in cold weather, but these are good starting points:

1. A Jacket That Fits You. For the purposes of looking good in cold weather, nothing is more important than the fit of your jacket. Men should be able to see your curves when you are wearing your jacket. This means that it should follow the curves of your waist and hips. It also means having sleeves that don't add bulk to your arms. And then there are the general aesthetics related to having as few wrinkles as possible from excess material. Most popular clothes stores design and cut their clothes for "average" people, which in the United States, means fat people. So for many girls, getting a jacket that fits will mean having to buy something that is more expensive, or else having a cheaper jacket altered by a tailor. A draw-string at the waist can also help to achieve this effect.

2. Fur-Trimmed Hooded Jackets. I've often told my guy friends how much I like these, and they always agree. The fur is extremely soft, warm and playful = feminine; and if you choose the color to properly complement your complexion, it can be extremely attractive visually as well. Popular fashion seems to have caught on to this in the last year or so, and more girls are wearing them. Because of this, you might not stand out as much by wearing one, but it also means that it is much easier to find them in stores. Besides, "looking like every other girl" is only problematic when every other girl looks bad. Here is an example:

3. Tight Sweaters. A tight sweater embraces everything I said above about the importance of wearing well-fitted clothes. There is something both sexual and nurturing about a woman wearing a tight sweater. It is sexual for the obvious reason that it shows off her figure, but it is nurturing because it gives her an air of warmth and comfort. (Note: We left turtle-neck sweaters in the 90s for a reason: they are hideous on both sexes. Never wear one.)

4. Tall, Heeled Boots. Uggs are great if you want to look like a little girl; but if you want to attract guys over the age of 15, you will need to embrace a more mature look. Tall, heeled boots are sexy. They achieve all of the effects of attractive posture that you get from high heels, and their height draws attention to your thighs and waist. Heels are more important than height, but if heels aren't possible, tall boots without heels are still better than most other shoes - probably warmer too. All three of the examples below are great.

5. Leggings. Because they contain no vital organs, your limbs are the parts of your body least prone to the effects of cold weather; so most women are capable of going outdoors in leggings, even in the middle of winter. This is good, because they are sexy as hell. They make every woman's legs and ass look 10 - 20 % better than normal, and because they are so popular and reveal no skin, no one thinks they look slutty. Yes, they are hotter than a pair of tight jeans - probably because cotton can never conform to your body as well as synthetic, stretchy materials. And no, you don't need to be thin for them to make you look better. Black is obviously the most versatile color, but designs and patterns can work too, as long as they aren't overly obnoxious (e.g. cartoon characters or logos). Wear two or three pairs if it's too cold.

If any of these looks seem like they "aren't you" it is probably only because you haven't tried them yet.


Related Posts
1. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
2. Appearance Checklists
3. How to Make Any Outfit Better
4. Don't Wear Sneakers
5. Sexy Versus Cute

The Most Important Time to Dress Well

In the United States, the most flagrant misconception about dressing well is that it is something you should do only for formal occasions. The popular notion is that you should put in effort when you go out on Friday night, or when you go to a wedding, or when you have a meeting with clients - but not when you run to the store, or get on an airplane, or go to a dive bar.

The fact, however, is that the woman (or man, for that matter) who dresses well is the one that shows up looking good when everyone else is not. A well-dressed woman puts a priority on looking good, regardless of the situation. This doesn't mean that she never dresses comfortably, but it does means that she does so less frequently. More importantly, even when she does dress comfortably, she maintains a sense of style and considers her appearance above her preference to "just throw something on." The most important time to dress well is whenever you are inclined to put in the least amount of effort. It is in these occasions that you stand out from the crowd. So, I challenge you:

For the next three days, whenever you choose your clothes for any occasion, step up the quality and formality of your appearance by one degree relative to what you would normally wear.

If you were going to wear a t-shirt to the grocery store, choose a blouse instead. If you wouldn't normally wear your formal jacket for a trip to the mall, do it this time. If your heels are usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights, wear them to work. If you don't usually do your hair when you go to a sports bar, put in at least twenty minutes to make it look its best before leaving the house. If you normally wear old and ugly workout clothes when you go to the gym because "it's just working out", get some new ones that work with your complexion.

If you need to, set an extra alarm on your phone for the next three days as a reminder. I've done this myself and I guarantee that you will be surprised by how much better you feel - not to mention look - as you go about your normal activities.

Related Posts

1. Appearance Checklists

2. The Importance of Hair

3. You Can Control How Attractive You Are

How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2

In a previous post I pointed out that if you want to control your posture, it is more effective to remind yourself of your strengths each time you catch yourself slouching, than it is to simply attempt to correct the posture itself. This is because poor posture is a symptom of low self-esteem, not just a bad habit.

Here is a good way to put this fact into practice:

Everyone has a few really good photos of themselves - photos in which you look your best (thinnest, hottest, happiest, most confident, etc.). The camera caught you at your best angle, you were wearing your best colors and your hair looks really good. You probably enjoy looking at these pictures because they make you feel good about yourself. It isn't just a matter of looking good; these pictures probably capture a certain poise or spirit of which you are proud - they illustrate you at your best.

Choose the best of these photos in your mind. The next time you catch yourself slouching, remember that photos, and specifically, remind yourself that you are the person in that picture. You will automatically and immediately (albeit temporarily) correct your posture. With repetition, you will begin to see yourself as the person in the photo more than you see yourself as the person who slouches. Before long, perfect posture will be a habit.

A Tool for Learning Makeup

In the post I made called How to Avoid Looking Fake, I pointed out that a girl needs to understand what kinds and tones of makeup work with her face and complexion in order to avoid the "caked on" makeup look, which men find unattractive. A reader recently recommended a website called TAAZ.com that actually allows users to apply virtual makeup to a photo of themselves in order to get an idea of what will look good. You can also try different hairstyles. In fact, the website is very similar to the one I recommended in the post How to Improve Your Hair (www.thehairstyler.com), but with a focus on makeup rather than hair - and the added benefit of being able to do both.

Here is the link to the website: www.taaz.com

As with www.thehairstyler.com, the visualization tools aren't perfect, but as you can see in the examples below, you can definitely get general ideas about how various colors work (or don't work) with your personal look. Whether you are just learning how to optimize your look, or want to revisit it, this website can be an invaluable tool. (And don't be so sure that you already know everything about your own makeup - self-perception is remarkably inaccurate at times.)

Related Posts
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2. How to Improve Your Hair
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Don't Wear Sneakers

I keep seeing girls wearing Chuck Taylors, or Vans, or even some more modern high-tops, and I always cringe. Sneakers are intended for function, not form; they aren't attractive. Unless they are paired with athletic clothes (i.e. for the gym or running) they look clunky or awkward. The fact that they are "comfortable" or "quirky" or "classics" might be perfectly true, in some cases might be a good reason for wearing them; but don't fool yourself into thinking they make you look good. While it would obviously be unrealistic and probably unhealthy for women to wear high heels every day, there are many more elegant compromises than sneakers.

If you see a woman who you think is more attractive because she is wearing sneakers, ask yourself whether it is because of them or in spite of them. You'd be better off never wearing sneakers than trying to pull them off.

How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"

My model for understanding the way a woman acts and dresses has always been something like this: the more a woman dresses like a slut, the more attractive she is; but the more a woman acts like a slut, the less attractive she is. In other words, the most attractive women are those who dress like whores but act like good girls. Impossible, right? Probably. But it is the ideal nonetheless, just like a woman's ideal is a man who is extremely powerful and physically attractive, yet in touch with his emotions and sweet - which also does not exist.

In any case, I was out the other night and I ran into a girl I'd met a few weeks before at the same bar. We started talking, and somehow got onto the topic of how women dress...

"It's simple for a girl" she said. "If you want to pick up a guy to get laid, or to make out, you wear a short, tight skirt and low-cut cleavage. But if you want to meet a guy to date, you..."

"...wear something modest." I interrupted, somewhat smugly. "That's what every girl thinks and it's complete bullshit." I was about to explain to her that good guys and bad guys alike are both equally attracted to a woman's body, and that behaving modestly is far more important than dressing modestly, when she cut me off:

"Wait, I wasn't finished! That wasn't what I was going to say at all. I was going to say that you have to choose one or the other."

"One or the other?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you either wear the short, tight skirt, or the plunging neckline - but not both."

I was silent. I literally paused for several seconds, thinking about what she said. I was still somewhat shocked by the fact that she didn't buy into the absurdly false cliche that a woman attracts good men by pretending that good men don't have sexual impulses; but I was also intrigued by the nuance of her idea. It was honest, and it bore the hallmark complexity of truth.

"Huh... That's really interesting." I said, pensively. "I actually spend entirely too much time thinking about these kinds of things, and haven't thought of that before. You might be on to something." I paused again for a few seconds. "I need to think about it more, but I like the idea regardless. I've always thought that women are more attractive the sluttier they dress and the more modestly they act, but I might have to re-consider that now."

The jury is still out. The girl won't return my calls either...


Related Posts
1. Sexy Versus Cute
2. "The Wrong Kind of Attention"
3. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
4. There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans

How To Avoid Looking "Fake"

In the post You Can Control How Attractive You Are, I reiterated the point that most unattractive women aren’t genetically unlucky, they just aren’t trying hard enough. Recently, a reader brought up a good question in the comments section of that post: how far can a girl go to fix up herself before she is considered "fake"?

The question is a good one because at first glance, looking fake seems to be what happens when a girl tries too hard. We’ve all seen girls with caked-on makeup, boob jobs, spray tans and shitty hair extensions; and we’re all familiar with the male consensus about them – they look terrible. In fact, you probably don’t even need men to tell you this. So how do you avoid it? How do you strike a balance between “not enough” and the “fake” extreme?

The problem with this question is that it is based on a misunderstanding. It wrongly puts “ugly” on both ends of the effort scale, because it presumes that the girls with boob jobs, thick make-up and cheap hair extensions are putting in a lot of effort. This is decidedly not the case. These girls haven’t put in more effort than the average girl. Layering on make-up, or sitting in a tanning booth longer than necessary – while it does take more time – is rooted more in confusion than concerted effort.

These women are like a chef who is obsessed with a single spice – salt, or garlic, or thyme, or whatever. True, these spices all have their proper place, and can make a meal outstanding when placed on the right dish in the appropriate quantity. But in excess they destroy all dishes. A woman who layers makeup is like a chef who dumps inordinate amounts of garlic in everything he cooks. Neither the make-up girl nor the garlic-chef understands the concept of moderation or balance. The girl ends up looking “fake” and the chef has every other plate returned by unsatisfied customers. Although there is a certain amount of added effort involved in the additional mirror-time, or the extra crushing and dicing of garlic cloves, you don’t need me to tell you that both the make-up-obsessed girl and the garlic-obsessed chef are poor role models.

Sarah Harding

The mistake is a preference for quantity rather than quality. Too much effort does not result in a “fake” appearance, uneducated effort does. The chef who understands balance and complimentary tastes has invested orders of magnitude more effort and time in reaching that expertise than the one who simply saturates everything with salt. And the girl who realizes that her natural complexion only works with certain make-up tones, or knows how to suit her hairstyle and cut of clothes to her face and body shape has likewise invested miles more time and energy in her look than the girl who just cakes on extra make-up, or resorts to a boob job to enhance her chest. If you think that “more effort” means “more make-up” or “more tan,” you are spending your smarts in the wrong place – or rather, you aren’t spending them at all.



Nicola Roberts

If you really want to improve your look, you need to become your own stylist. You need to learn how to make your hair shine, and how to add volume in the right places. You need to study your body shape and try different outfits until you know precisely what cut makes your features pop - or subdues them, if necessary. You need to read books on color, and try every shade until you know which ones are your best. You need to learn everything you can about fitness and dieting so that your time in the gym is efficient and your meals compliment your workouts. You need to push your comfort boundaries with different styles, perhaps looking awkward occasionally just to rule out the possibility that your aversion to a certain style is really based in its inappropriateness for you – and not some childhood prejudice. You need to fix your posture and get serious about sleeping right. You need to watch how much you drink and learn how to care for your skin.

I am not suggesting that every girl should obsess over her appearance, but you see what I mean. This is real effort – not the “extra garlic” approach, which results in the fake look we are all so familiar with. Be smart about your efforts and, generally speaking, the more effort you put in, the more you will improve your look, not compromise it.

The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty

Popular magazines routinely publish the results of polls in which both sexes are asked what qualities they are most attracted to in the other. And they routinely discover the same thing: above all other traits, men desire beauty in women, and women desire confidence in men. I am always skeptical of studies based on surveys, but in this instance, observation corroborates the survey results: men really do prioritize beauty in women, and women really do prioritize confidence in men.

While the fact itself might be old news, very few people realize how instrumental it can be in understanding the opposite sex. Typically confusing actions are instantly illuminated in light of these priorities. And you can understand them in terms that make sense to you, by using one of the most powerful tools of thought: analogy.

The next time you are confused by a man’s actions, try the following: Put his actions into words; then replace all of the masculine nouns and pronouns with feminine ones, and any rephrase any references to beauty so that they instead relate to confidence. The situation will make miles more sense that way.

Here are a few examples:

Example 1: “I surprised him at his office, wearing my new dress, with my hair and makeup done; and even though he was preoccupied with an employee who had just stopped by his office to ask him a question, I could tell by the look in his eye that he wanted to close the door, throw me on his desk and ravage me right there.” While you might take it for granted that your beauty attracts him, the fact that you don’t feel the same surge in attraction simply because he has a new haircut, a fresh shave and is wearing a well-fit shirt might make it a little difficult to understand his reaction. But consider the analogous situation in which you witness a display of his confidence: “I walked into his office to hear him giving instructions for the week to the project team. They were all listening intently, obviously impressed by his authority and experience. He looked so sexy giving orders and being admired like that. The second they left, I went over to him, grabbed his shirt and kissed him deeply. He seemed surprised.” While he might not understand how attracted you are by what is a routine occurrence for him, your response is similar to the urge he feels when he sees you looking your best.

Example 2: “We were driving to the party and he started getting on the freeway, but I knew that back roads would be faster. I told him this, and he immediately become annoyed and cold towards me – when moments before he’d been affectionate.” Why would he take such offense to this? After all, when he corrects your driving, you usually take his advice, and he was going the wrong way. The problem is that you’ve effectively undermined his confidence by questioning his judgment. You can understand the effect of this by considering how you would feel if he undermined your beauty: “I’d bought a new dress and had done my hair and makeup perfectly. I knew I looked hot. My husband and I were driving to a party together, when a 20-odd-year-old in a tight dress and heels crossed the street in front of our car. His eyes locked on her and his head turned as she walked across our field of view. Though I’d felt cheerful and affectionate towards him seconds earlier, I immediately felt hurt and distant.” By checking out the girl as she walks by, your husband undermines your desire to be beautiful – and especially, beautiful to him. The hit to your self-esteem is identical to the hit he takes when you question his judgment and thereby undermined his confidence.

Example 3: “Ugh, he is obsessed with looks; he will never find a good girl that is hot enough for him. He’ll end up single.” I expect this sentiment is very common among women. I’ve had it said about me. But you will find just as many men complaining that “She wants a guy that treats her well, but only dates assholes, she deserves what’s coming to her.” Women, of course, realize that they like assholes not because they are assholes, but because they are confident. (They like them in spite of the fact that they are assholes, not because of it.) In the same way, men date women who are boring or stupid, not because they are boring or stupid, but because they are beautiful. The fact of the matter is that men are no more interested in woman’s beauty than women are interested in a man’s confidence.

Example 4: “She dresses kind of slutty, but she still gets much more attention from guys than me; don’t these guys see that she is trashy?” Men are much more likely to look among hot and sexy women for a girl that has a good personality, than to look among nice and friendly girls for one who is attractive. This is because looks matter more than personality to men. To understand this, consider the analogy with confidence: men often say about guys who do well with women “He is so arrogant, but he still gets more girls than me. Don’t these women realize that he is unintelligent and a hot-head?” Women are far more inclined to look for a guy with a good job and at least half a brain among the ones who are confident enough to approach them, than to look among the smart and level-headed guys for one who is confident enough. In the same way that looks trump personality for men, confidence often matters more than personality for women.

Example 5: “She is funny, smart, genuine, cheerful and confident, but I just can’t make myself attracted to her because she isn’t that hot.” Girls are routinely professing their confusion at men’s inability to prioritize what seem (to them) to be the most important characteristics in a potential girlfriend or spouse. The relative unimportance of these qualities will make a lot more sense when you compare them to his confidence rather than her beauty: “He is funny, smart, genuine, cheerful and good-looking, but he is always waiting for me to take the lead, always asks me what I want to do, and is deferential to other men. I just can’t make myself attracted to him because he isn’t confident enough.” (Incidentally, a lot of men are just as confused by this kind of statement as you are by theirs: “But he is letting you do whatever you want – isn’t that a good thing? Why wouldn’t you like that?”)

Should You Focus on Your Looks or Personality More?

My audience on this blog is not uniform by any means:

• Some readers are good looking, others are not. 
• Some readers are interesting, others are not.
• Some readers are confident, others are not. 
• Some readers know how to dress, others do not.
• etc.

The advice that I give is similarly varied. Depending which of these groups (and others) you fall into, different pieces of advice (from this blog or other sources) may or may not apply to you. A girl who already knows how to dress well and look her best should not be scrutinizing every aspect of her appearance, even if I post about it frequently. Those posts are not intended for her. If a girl like this gets rejected it would be an exercise in futility for her to fret about the fact that she wore one top instead of another, or wore heels instead of flats, or put on too much make-up, when the real problem is that she is boring, or is always trying to identify with men, or is a slob. Perfecting some single part of her look is not going to have anywhere near as much of an effect as trying to improve her personality.

The fact of the matter is that improvements in appearance follow a law of diminishing returns. Added efforts produce less and less results. And there comes a point at which it makes more sense to shift focus to the areas of your life that will have a larger effect:

The phenomenon doesn't only apply to appearance. In a similar manner, a girl who has a good personality - who is radiant, fun to be around, nurturing, intelligent, cheerful - a girl like this would be stupid to spend her time harping on the fact that she sometimes feels a little awkward in social situations, or lamenting her less-than-impressive intelligence. Instead, this girl should focus more about her appearance (which was probably neglected while she was becoming an awesome person). In doing so she might realize that her clothes often clash with her complexion, or that her hair doesn't suit her face shape, or that heels make her look sexy - all of which would be far more effective in making her more attractive to men than making some minute improvement to her personality.

Many women will lie somewhere between the states represented by the two plots, depending on how they have invested their time and effort. But when you read advice from this blog - or elsewhere - first understand what type of girl you are and where on each plot you lie before you decide whether or not it applies to you, or to what degree. 

 

(By the way, the 50-odd % location of the dividing line in the charts above is fairly arbitrary, and the shape of the curve will probably be different for every girl anyway. Don't pay much attention to it.)

"Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of" - Illustrated

I've also added the illustration to the original post, which you can read here: "Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

The Importance of Hair

Other than your physical fitness, your hair is the most important controllable aspect of your physical attractiveness. Most women know this. I am not a hair stylist, so others can give you much better advice than I about how to make your hair look its best.

However, it is worth underscoring just how critical good hair is to a woman's appearance. Rather than do this by compounding adjectives or superlatives, I want to recount the moment when I learned this for myself.

I had spent the night at my (now ex-) girlfriend's house and she was getting ready for work in the morning. She went into the bathroom to do whatever it is girls do to get ready. After a while, she came back into the room, looking gorgeous. I distinctly remember being turned on to the point that I  wanted to throw her back into bed. Actually, I maybe may well have; I don't remember now. But what I do remember was the epiphany that accompanied the following exchange:

"Did you do your make-up differently this morning?" I asked.

"My make-up?"

"Yeah, your make-up. It looks hot as shit, but something looks different for some reason. It's a more natural look or something. I really like it."

"I'm not wearing any make-up."

"Wait... what?" I asked, confused. "But you look...  wait, really? So what were you doing in the bathroom all this time?" I was scrutinizing her while saying all of this, and slowly became convinced that she really wasn't wearing any make-up.

"I was doing my hair." She answered. As soon as she said it I could see that it was her hair that was making her look so radiant. She'd washed it, straightened it, brushed it and pinned it half-up.

No one doubts how much makeup can improve your look. Hair matters more: don't underestimate the importance of grooming.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Hair
2. Hair and Makeup Variety
3. How to Avoid Looking "Fake"
4. An Interesting Hair Experiment...

How To Improve Your Posture

In another post I wrote about the importance of posture to a woman's attractiveness. I suspect this is probably interesting to many women, but not helpful without some indication of how can it be improved - which is what I'd like to elaborate on in this post.

First, I think it is necessary to understand that poor, hunched or closed posture is a deeply subconscious attempt to introvert and close oneself. It is an effort to literally protect the vulnerable front of one's body - that is, the area where our vital organs (groin, gut and neck) are most exposed. Poor posture is a manifestation of insecurity, whether it be physical, social or emotional. The deeply entrenched nature of a person's posture makes it incredibly difficult - indeed, virtually impossible - to change by repeated acknowledgement and correction. I know people who have have been doing this for years, but their posture remains unaffected. I used to have poor posture myself, and for a while made similar "acknowledge-and-correct" efforts, but they were futile.

My posture now is very good. The change was not one I consciously forced, however. Instead, it followed naturally from an improvement in my self-image and confidence. This was a gradual process, but it was was marked by distinct points at which I recognized my value, and more importantly, my potential. This would happened when I saw some similarity between myself and someone I admired, or upon some concrete accomplishment that made me realize that I was capable of things I hadn't thought I could do (or do well) previously. Accomplishment breeds confidence, and accomplishment is the product of initiative and effort - both of which are controllable.

But my personal experience is not the only evidence for my point, by any means. Consider, too, the people you know who have the best and worst posture (aside from the elderly, who have less control over these things). Almost without fail, the ones that slouch are also insecure or very humble, and the ones that stand up straight do so in proportion to their confidence. The correlation is unmistakable.

So rather than straightening up when you recognize your poor posture, you would do better to acknowledge your strengths and excuse your weaknesses, at which point your posture will improve naturally. Far more importantly, if you want to stand up straight, you need to begin to do the kinds of things that will allow you to respect yourself. If you are too timid to carry on a conversation with a man, start practicing so that you grow more comfortable. If you hate the fact that you are overweight, start setting weight-loss goals for yourself and penalties if you fail to meet them. If you have been wallowing in the wake of a bad break-up, shake it off, get back on your feet and start dating again.

These things are not easy to do, but I've seen the effect they can have on a girl's life, and they are worth the effort. They also become easier the more you do them and recognize their benefits. Taking charge of the things that you've previously been unable to master is the best and possibly the only way to improve your self-image, and therefore your posture.

Posture And Attractiveness

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

I've estimated previously that a woman's posture accounts for 3% of a woman's external attractiveness. And because posture is 100 % controllable, I concluded in the same analysis that it was worthy of 5 % of the time that a woman spends on her appearance. This might not sound like much, but that 5 % was second only to fitness, hair and makeup. In other words, once you take care of those three (obvious) things, you should be shifting your attention - not to your nails, breasts or even the color of your clothes, but to your posture.

Posture is important because it is a direct projection of your sense of self-worth. Looks are critical, even for long term relationships, but without personality and confidence you will not get past a first date or a purely sexual relationship. I plan to write a lot more soon about the importance of personality, and when I do I will make the point that a woman's sense of her own value is vital to her internal attractiveness. Posture is the subtle but primary mode by which that sense of value is conveyed, and men definitely notice - whether consciously or subconsciously. A woman with good posture exudes confidence, and confidence demands attention. Attention, in turn (the good kind at least) breeds attraction. In addition, being the external expression of an internal state of mind, posture is also a large contributor to external attractiveness.

I went to a bar last night, as I am apt to do on Wednesdays, and ran into a girl that I know and occasionally flirt with. She varies between a 7 and a 10 (depending on how she presents herself) - a very good looking girl, and in great shape too. She was sitting on a stool, hunched over - clearly tired and ready to head home. After chatting with her for a little while, her posture started to bother me, so I told her "you should sit up straight, you look a lot better that way," as I placed my hand on her back and shoulder to straighten her out. She laughed, agreed and sat up straight.

I had always known that a woman's posture makes a difference, but this was one of the clearest examples I have ever seen - suddenly she seemed alive. As she lifted her upper body, her back straightened and her chest pushed out, accenting her breasts and diminishing her previously scrunched-up waist; her neck straightened and appeared more slender; her hair fell more naturally over her shoulders and neck: her physical beauty radiated.

But these were merely the physical changes. In addition, her head was lifted - probably by about six inches - so that she became more present in the group, and her beauty was magnified by its sheer prominence (this is an argument in favor of female height that I have perhaps overlooked until now). She also seemed more confident, as if she could accept or reject any guy that approached her - and looking the way she did sitting up straight, she probably could have. Finally, she smiled. The effect of holding herself up triggered the emotions that normally cause her to hold herself that way, and she was visibly happier. A new energy seemed to come over her. While she was slouching she had seemed tired, maybe even ill; but now she appeared healthy, youthful, alert, engaged, exuberant.

But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me, because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed. The impression only lasted a moment, because her mood and attitude were not organic and ingrained; but it still concerned me afterwards - what if she had appeared that way when I first met her? And if she had maintained it, would I have ever been able to gain the upper hand? This is the power of posture.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Posture
2. How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2
3. The Importance of Heels

How To Look Good During Sex

It has often been said that women are turned on by what they feel, while men are turned on by what they see. There is a lot of truth to this. Of course it may not be so black-and-white; probably men are aroused by what they see only in proportion to how masculine they are, and women by what they feel in proportion to their femininity. But whatever the case, men are primarily aroused by what they see. While certain moves, positions or behaviors also play a role in arousing a man during sex, visual stimulation is the most important yet most frequently overlooked aspect of a woman's sexual performance. In addition to making yourself as attractive as possible by using non-bedroom techniques such as working out, doing your hair, etc. the following list of things should help to catch his eye. I've been careful not to list things that some guys like and others don't - this list should only be the things that apply to the vast majority of men.

1. Leave the lights on, at least enough so that he can see the form of your body, your hair, etc. Without light, nothing else on this list will be as effective. Dimmed is probably better than leaving them full-on, but darkness is not sexy at all to a man.

2. Arch your back. This is the single most potent bedroom posture a woman can assume. Most women do this naturally during heightened sexual pleasure, and he becomes more aroused by seeing you aroused. Do it regardless of being face down, face up, or on your side.

3. Point your feet down as if you were standing in high heels. I haven't figured out why this is sexy yet, but rest assured: it is. Do this when you are lying on your back with your feet in the air, crawling across the bed, or in any other situation in which your feet are free. Consider leaving your heels on during sex, as it assists and heightens effect.

4. Throw your head back. This is also done naturally during heightened sexual pleasure. Combine with #2 and #3. Also try turning your head to the side, as if the pleasure is too intense to look directly at him. In addition to demonstrating your pleasure, both of these actions slightly contort and accentuate the neck, one of the most delicate and feminine parts of a woman's body. Close your eyes or it will seem unnatural.

5. Wear matching underwear. This makes you more comparable to the supermodels he fantasizes about routinely, and generally looks a lot better on you (models do it for a reason). Simple colors and types of underwear are perfectly acceptable. Also, let him initiate the removal of your underwear. I am usually disappointed when a woman takes hers off too soon. It looks sexy and I don't get to see it very often, so I want to enjoy it for a minute before I rip it off.

6. Don't pull his upper body down towards you during missionary or similar positions (e.g. to make out or hold him while he penetrates you). This will prevent him from watching himself enter you, which is hugely erotic.

7. Put your arms above your head. This widens the upper portion of your body, accentuating the relatively small width of your waist and bringing out your curves. A small hip-to-waist ratio is extremely sexy to men, and by doing this you give yourself more of an hourglass shape. This is also an open posture - one which uncovers and "opens" the vulnerable front of your body, indicating your gift of yourself to him, and therefore your trust and love. This openness establishes a much deeper connection, which has all kinds of benefits, but is also sexual. The picture below (on top) illustrates the accentuation of the waist, while the photo below (on the bottom) shows a more natural instance of the posture. (Also see the right-most picture under #2.)

8. Make your movements slow, sexy and constant. The general idea is that you are slowly but continually moving in rhythm with and response to his sexual lead - in a sense, "flowing." The movement is something like squirming, but in a slower, more sensual (rather than uncomfortable) way. He will be turned on by watching you respond to the pleasure he is creating in you. The video linked in the postscript illustrates this best.

In some instances, the things above will feel strange and require a little acting on your part; but over time they will become your natural response to pleasure. In addition, it is likely to be self-fulfilling acting, since by doing so you will arouse him, and his resulting lust for you will ultimately arouse you more. If these things aren't natural for you, I suggest that you try to implement only one at a time, otherwise you will likely disengage from the sex itself by focusing too much about your body. It shouldn't be too forced.

Your Skin Color Matters

If you want to make yourself more attractive, you need to focus on three things when you are choosing your clothes: style, fit, and color. The need for a suitable style is obvious to most people - your clothes should reflect or magnify your personality. Simple enough. The need for the right fit should be obvious, but it is apparently less so to many women (and men). Too many people don't wear clothes that flatter their figure. However, color is the most misunderstood and neglected of the three, and it is arguably the most important.

In the same way that your clothes need to work with your shape and personality, they also need to compliment your color, or more specifically, your complexion, which is the combined appearance of your skin tone, eye color and hair color. Have you ever noticed how Latin and Mediterranean women almost always look amazing in red and black? or how middle eastern women look far better in the deeper shades of most colors (navies, olives, maroons, etc. as opposed to blues, greens and reds)? If so, you've noticed the effect of color working well with complexion. This effect has been studied, broken down, and rebuilt into a science for more than 100 years by students of fashion and cosmetology.

Here are a couple examples. Note how Courtney Cox and Katherine Heigl look better on the left, where they are shown wearing colors that work well with their complexion. The effect is subtle but it is strong.

If until now you've chosen colors based on something you saw a friend wear, or colors you "just like," there is a good chance you look bad in them. Men notice this, even if only subconsciously. If you haven't taken the time to learn what colors make you look best, you are throwing away potential attractiveness, and therefore undercutting your chances with men. I've observed in many instances that a woman is far more radiant and attractive due to her choice of a color that magnifies her natural beauty. The effect is significant.

I won't tell you how to choose your best colors, because there are other resources that can tell you far more than I. My main goal is to simply to convince you that color matters. But I can point you in the direction of a couple of those resources...

The best book I've found for women about color is called Color Me Confident. I bought a few different ones for men and women, and this one blew the others away (as did its counterpart for men). I like it because it uses modern celebrities as examples, does a good job of explaining the categories it uses to group complexions, and also has sections about the fit of clothes and makeup as well.

This book could reliably be your only resource. However, I have one other suggestion. Find a female celebrity that has your complexion (including eye color, which makes a lot more difference than you'd think) and spend some time looking at images of her on the internet, paying close attention to the colors she wears. Try the following: do an image search for her name and a color, and scan the results. Pay attention to how many instances there are of her in that color. Just as importantly, pay attention to what doesn't come up when you do these searches - i.e. the colors for which you cannot find many instances. Take Penelope Cruz for example. Click on each of the following image search links and notice how the results show whether or not the respective color (and what shade) works for her, based on the collection of images that appear in the search results:

Penelope Cruz Red 
Tons of instances of her wearing red, and she looks smoking hot in it (Latin women...)
Penelope Cruz Blue
Plenty of instances of her wearing blue, but notice how in most it is navy rather than a lighter shade
Penelope Cruz Orange
Basically just one orange dress, and notice how it is a burnt orange rather than bright

There are also a ton of websites out there that either describe how to choose colors that work for you, or else offer online (or in-person) consultations. There are some good videos on YouTube as well. While searching for some of the pictures above I bumped into a few good blogs, which have a lot of examples of color done well, as well as explanations of the theory. Take a look:
http://seasonalcoloranalysis.blogspot.com/
http://12blueprints.com/
http://www.prettyyourworld.com/

While it should only take an hour or so to learn the principles and figure out what are your best colors, it can take much longer to implement them in your wardrobe. It won't be easy to overcome some of your misconceptions. Someone may have told you once that pink was your color (for example), and you've worn it ever since, convinced by the confidence of their compliment that it made you look good. But their statement may very well have been wrong, in part or completely - even if you thought they knew what they were talking about when it came to fashion. Maybe they just wanted to make you feel good. Treat every color (or color combination) as suspect until you know it really does work on you. Be prepared to throw some of your clothes away.

I know these things because I paid no attention to my own color for years, and my appearance suffered because of it. Sometimes I would put on a shirt and recognize that it looked good on me, but I would never know why. Frankly, I never really wondered - I was just content that it did look good. And when I finally learned about the need to address my complexion and learn what looked best on me, I started to realize why those shirts had looked good. In fact, my memory of those instances eventually served as examples in figuring out which complexion I had and what would work well with it.

So if you aren't up to speed on your color, go buy the book, do some research online, and hit the mall. Men notice, and it will make a difference.

Human Energy Is Conserved

Every person has a limited amount of time and energy, as well as the ability to choose how to spend it. At every moment of our conscious lives, we are making decisions about how to invest our time and effort - how to spend our "human energy." We do this either explicitly, by consciously making a decision to change the course of our action, or else implicitly, by not choosing to change the course of our action. For example, right now I can either choose to continue typing this post, or decide that it is not worth my time and instead go read a book or work out. Likewise, I can choose at anytime (explicitly) to quit my job and move to a new city, or else (implicitly, i.e. by not making that choice), to continue in my current employment and residence. Obviously there are influences swaying our decisions, making one path simpler or another more difficult; but in light of those factors, the decision is always ours to make.

While it is certainly possible to spend your time and effort poorly, or inefficiently, let's ignore that possibility for a moment and first consider two people - two girls - that both spend their time and effort well, but differently. Girl A learns at an early age that her beauty and presentation matter, and out of the 60 hours a week she has free from school and sleep, puts ten hours into improving her look, while the rest goes to other typical activities. Girl B, on the other hand, is taught at an early age that her intelligence and education matter. She takes this to heart, and out of the same 60 hours a week, spends ten on homework and reading (over and above what Girl A and other typical students spend on homework and reading). The rest she puts towards other activities just like Girl A. So we have two girls, the same in all respects, except in their decision about how to spend those ten hours each week. Assume also that they are about the same in their natural intelligence and appearance.

You can be sure that by the time the girls reach the age of 18, Girl A will be getting a lot more attention from guys, while Girl B will be a lot smarter. You can also be sure that Girl B will probably be a failure with men, while Girl A will probably be stupid. Now, contrast them both with Girl C, who (ceteris paribus) spends those ten hours being lazy. I don't mean that she literally sits down and does nothing for ten hours a week, but those hours are distributed among the same daily tasks that the other girls do, because Girl C chooses to do them slowly, or she has to repeat them because she does them poorly. You can be almost sure that when she turns 18 she will be both a failure with men and stupid.

While I am sure you have your opinion about who is making the "right choice," that opinion is mostly immaterial to the point I am trying to make, which is that every person who spends their time efficiently has something to show for it. This is true in general - not just for women, and not just in terms of beauty and intelligence. For example, Guy A decided to spend his time practicing golf and is now semi-pro, while Guy B fostered his musical talent and started a successful band - or even Guy C, who has spent all of his free time just hanging out with his friends. While he doesn't have a talent in the traditional sense to show for it, he has strong friendships and will have good memories.

I think all of us recognize this phenomenon to one extent or another, intuitively. It was confirmed in my mind recently while driving past a small church in a tiny Italian village with my coworker. Sitting on a bench in front of the old church wall were several old men, in sweaters, caps and tweed jackets, just hanging out and talking among themselves. When we drove back past that same church a few hours later on our return trip, the same men were sitting there as if only a few minutes had passed. And from the nonchalance of their collective demeanor, it was clear that this was a typical occurrence, probably even something they did daily. I snapped this photo as we passed the second time:

The scene made me think that it is a shame that men in America don't do the same thing. It is incredibly rare to see old men with friendships so strong that they look forward to simply sitting together in the afternoons, talking and watching the world go by. If we, as a culture, set aside the time to do that each day, think how much stronger our social lives would be.

But then I immediately wondered "why don't we do that?" The answer was obvious: we don't do that because we don't have the time for it. That is, we don't choose to make the time for it. We spend it instead on enterprise or personal fitness. We work longer hours, get more accomplished, get to the gym and are probably in better shape. The Italians (and I don't think this is restricted to men) might have stronger relationships, but look at their economy - it is a mess; and it is a mess because they've chosen to sacrifice the hours that could be spent on industry or commerce on sitting outside the church each afternoon, or on longer (arguably better) meals, or (clearly better) fashion.

Again, my point is not to praise or criticize the Italians, or the Americans. The point is that different investments of human energy produce different results. Like all forms of energy, human energy is conserved. As long as it is spent efficiently, you will have something to show for it, even if what you have to show is not the most obvious thing in the world. The Italians have strong social fabric, great food and beautiful people; we as Americans have a strong economy and great achievements in sports and technology. Guy A is winning a big golf tournament this weekend, Guy B is about to release his first record and Guy C will have a huge attendance at his funeral and an amazing photo album. Each person has something different to show for their efforts.

So back to Girl A and Girl B. I suspect many of the girls reading this blog are closer to Girl B than A, which (partially) explains the emphasis I've placed on appearance in some posts. Your intelligence does not mean you are "deeper" or "better" than Girl A. Nor is Girl A better than you because she is hotter, or has perfect hair, or a great figure. It just means that while you were hitting the books, she was hitting the gym. In fact, the best investment of time and energy for a woman is one that cultivates intelligence and appearance, among a number of other life skills. If you actually are Girl B then you better get to the gym and the mall immediately and learn what "fit" means (for your clothes and your body). And if you actually are Girl A, you better spend some time at the library, learn how to stop saying "like" all the time and start thinking before you speak - and and get curious about life. (If you are Girl C, just give up, because you... oh, never mind, you already have.)

But perhaps more importantly, and at the risk of sounding really gay, the implication is that everyone has something to offer. As long as you haven't been sitting on your ass or living a repetitious life, or keeping yourself in a vacuum, your time and effort have yielded some form of knowledge, personality, or skills that are attractive to at least some men. I am not saying that some investments aren't more likely to score you a higher percentage of guys than others; but whatever your choices have been in life, you have something to show for it if you haven't been lazy. Learn how to make that "something" more evident to the men that will value it, or else convert it into something that the men you want will value. Then re-focus your energy on the areas of your life you've neglected while you've been spending so much of it elsewhere.

The Importance of Heels

Heels are the single most powerful item in a woman's wardrobe for improving her attractiveness to men. I routinely recognize this when I go to nightclubs, where almost all of the girls are wearing them. I also notice it at work, where some of the women occasionally wear them, and I find myself suddenly taking a second look (normally I wouldn't look once, as they have about 20 years on me and need to work out). While having a general knowledge of clothing fit and color (for example) matters more, it is not a single item than can be put on or removed with the same simplicity of heels. Heels require no instructions. Most women understand the effectiveness of heels to a degree, but too few realize why and how well they work, and therefore have trouble using them to their full potential.

Some women believe that heels are effective because they make a woman's calves look good, and although this isn't entirely wrong, it falls short of the truth. The majority of women think heels are attractive because they make a women taller. But men are not attracted to women because they are tall. This may make a girl look imposing or powerful, but any student of the most basic aspects of sociology knows that men are not attracted to power (women are attracted to power). Men are attracted to sexual pleasure and fertility, so it should not be surprising that the potency of heels lies in their ability to make a woman look sexual, even if only mildy so.

When a woman wears heels, it points her toes down in a more graceful manner, makes her butt stick out, and pushes out her chest. Most importantly, it arches her back, which emphasizes her feminine curves, and is an unequivocal sign of intense sexual pleasure. Look through the ads in magazines like Cosmopolitan or Maxim if you are skeptical. In many of them (and all of them intending to display sexuality), the women are posed in such a way that they resemble at least one of the postures I've described. All of these are strongly attractive to a man, but they are also very subtle, which makes them all the more effective. Most men have no idea why a women looks better to them in heels; they just feel it in their gut. Ask them. You'll probably get a shrug and something like "because they make you taller?"

For the taller women out there, yes, you are at a slight disadvantage. Despite how much heels improve your posture, I recommend you not wear them very often if they make you more than one inch taller than most of the men you want to attract. Find your other strengths and do what you can to highlight them (for example, height probably means you have long legs, so work them out a lot and make sure you are showing them off).

For all of the other women out there, and especially those of you who are short or the perfect female height, wear them frequently, and be liberal about deciding when they are appropriate. Just like a man that comes dressed well to a casual event, a woman stands out when she wears heels at a dive bar or in the grocery store.

You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.

Next time you are talking to a guy that you want to make a good impression on, do not mention anything about your infrequent gym attendance. Especially early in a relationship (first date, etc.), this is a great way to inspire his disinterest.

When working out or the gym comes up during a conversation with a girl I am attracted to, you can be sure that I am pay close attention to two things:

1. How often she works out
2. Why she works out

The reason for this is simple: I want to know that after I marry a girl, she will stay in shape, and I know that no woman can stay in shape without frequent exercise. While it isn't impossible for a woman to develop or improve her workout habits after marriage, I prefer to be conservative (read: cynical) in my expectations. I assume that if she isn't working out regularly now, she won't start. In fact, I take it a step further, because the truth is that even if she is working out now, she is likely to stop. I know that one of the primary drives for any young woman's workout habits is her desire to attract her future husband. Once "future" is out of the equation, I know that her gym membership will only remain active if she actually enjoys being fit. So I want to know that a girl is staying in shape for her own benefit and well-being, not just to get a husband. This is the kind of girl that will maintain her figure throughout a marriage, and stay healthy.

Not realizing my scrupulous attention to their comments, girls have told me on numerous occasions "I hate going to the gym" or "I try to go every other day, but I can never get motivated enough." What I hear in these cases is "I will be fat within 10 years." And while I do not rule them out completely for comments like this, they are using up virtually all of their leeway in one short statement.

On the other end of the spectrum, there have been a few girls that - again, probably not realizing how closely I was paying attention - have told me things like "I am addicted to working out. I actually get sort of depressed when I skip a day, it's bad..." or if I catch them on the phone right after their workout "I feel awesome right now, my arms are so sore" as I hear them blending a protein shake in the background. These are the kinds of girls that men with options are looking for.

So while you are actually fostering your workout habits, remember that as far as your conversations with attractive men are concerned: you always go to the gym, and you like it.

Underwear Is Important

Men are barraged by images of women in their underwear. We see them in movies, on billboards, in magazines, on the internet - all over the place. This means that we are extremely used to seeing women wearing

(a) expensive underwear, and
(b) matching bras and panties.

Furthermore, the women wearing all this nice, coordinated underwear are hotter than 80 % of the female population. While I honestly believe a lot of girls could actually get close to that top 20 % if they worked at it, in the meantime, you can do yourself a favor by not wearing mismatched bras and panties. Your failure to do so only highlights the differences between you and the lingerie models that have long ago pegged our standards for female beauty. And this is one difference that takes very little effort to correct, but makes a pretty big difference. You can make all kinds of excuses about not having the money to afford nice stuff, but there is no excuse for not wearing a matching set. You can get that shit at Walmart.

And one more rant: I get it that girls throw on the matching or nice stuff when they know they are going to have sex. Great. Appreciated. However, it is infinitely more impressive to have spontaneous sex with your girl and find her wearing matching (or nice) underwear, because it is all the more rare. It says she pays attention to detail and is classy.

"Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

When you are evaluating what things or changes in your life have ostensibly made you more successful with or more attractive to men, make sure you consider them in light of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of." The difference is not very subtle, but women (and men) miss its significance constantly. Let me illustrate with a simple example:

A girl cuts her hair short, and soon after, gets attention from men. She concludes that she gets attention from men because of her short hair, when the reality is that she gets attention from men in spite of her short hair. Her shorter hair is not causing her to get more attention; it just isn't unattractive enough to turn off the men that still approached her.

Another example: a girl gets a new dress and wears it out, and gets attention from a man. She thinks "This new dress really works," concluding that he gave her attention because of her new dress, when really she was just cute enough for him to hit on even though he wasn't a huge fan of her dress - that is, he hit on her in spite of the dress.

I think one of the reasons the confusion occurs is that we (men and women) are always eager to have found one thing or another that makes a significant difference in our attractiveness, and this wishful thinking helps us ignore the distinction I've just described. However, this is not the only reason we ignore it. Men make the mistake often when they evaluate women. If I point out a girl and say "That girl's hair looks bad," one of my male friends will often respond with something like "What? No way man, I think she's hot." But when I point out that she is hot only in spite of her short hair, not because of it, the guy making the comment will usually take a second look, reflect and then agree with me. So even when our own ego is not involved, we (as humans) still make this mistake. I think the most important reason for its occurrence is that there are so many factors contributing to attractiveness that they cannot all be easily considered in isolation.

Try these suggestions instead of relying on your perceived results:

• When you are experienced enough with fashion, make your own decisions about what makes you more or less attractive.
• Get your male friends' opinions, but make sure you call their attention to the specific change (Try "How does this shirt look on me? Would it look better if it were tighter?" not just "How do I look?"). Make sure it is a male friend that does not like you, because most men that like you will tell you what they think you want to hear.
• When it comes to clothes, remember that almost every store has a return policy. Buy it, try it on a few times, and return it later if your (male) friends don' like it.
• Do not solicit or consider opinions from your female friends, your relatives or your gay friends. All of these are strongly colored either by their inability to view you in a sexual light, or their desire to avoid offending you.
• Ignore your hair dresser's opinion or (for clothes) the salesperson's opinion. Both have too strong an interest in your acceptance of their suggestions. It does not matter how friendly they are. In fact, you would be wise to trust them less when they are friendly.

Be especially careful of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of" when you receive attention from men you have not met before, because they have no point of reference for your attractiveness (i.e. when you wore a better dress or had longer hair).

I am not suggesting that you reject the attention you get in these cases; I am merely warning you against jumping to the conclusion that new-found attention occurs because of a change you made recently, when in fact it only happens in spite of that change.