Thursday, August 16, 2012

How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"

My model for understanding the way a woman acts and dresses has always been something like this: the more a woman dresses like a slut, the more attractive she is; but the more a woman acts like a slut, the less attractive she is. In other words, the most attractive women are those who dress like whores but act like good girls. Impossible, right? Probably. But it is the ideal nonetheless, just like a woman's ideal is a man who is extremely powerful and physically attractive, yet in touch with his emotions and sweet - which also does not exist.

In any case, I was out the other night and I ran into a girl I'd met a few weeks before at the same bar. We started talking, and somehow got onto the topic of how women dress...

"It's simple for a girl" she said. "If you want to pick up a guy to get laid, or to make out, you wear a short, tight skirt and low-cut cleavage. But if you want to meet a guy to date, you..."

"...wear something modest." I interrupted, somewhat smugly. "That's what every girl thinks and it's complete bullshit." I was about to explain to her that good guys and bad guys alike are both equally attracted to a woman's body, and that behaving modestly is far more important than dressing modestly, when she cut me off:

"Wait, I wasn't finished! That wasn't what I was going to say at all. I was going to say that you have to choose one or the other."

"One or the other?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you either wear the short, tight skirt, or the plunging neckline - but not both."

I was silent. I literally paused for several seconds, thinking about what she said. I was still somewhat shocked by the fact that she didn't buy into the absurdly false cliche that a woman attracts good men by pretending that good men don't have sexual impulses; but I was also intrigued by the nuance of her idea. It was honest, and it bore the hallmark complexity of truth.

"Huh... That's really interesting." I said, pensively. "I actually spend entirely too much time thinking about these kinds of things, and haven't thought of that before. You might be on to something." I paused again for a few seconds. "I need to think about it more, but I like the idea regardless. I've always thought that women are more attractive the sluttier they dress and the more modestly they act, but I might have to re-consider that now."

The jury is still out. The girl won't return my calls either...


Related Posts
1. Sexy Versus Cute
2. "The Wrong Kind of Attention"
3. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
4. There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans

32 comments:

  1. I didn't quite get this post.

    So what she said, is what most women know - to look attractive for a man, you should look sexy, but you choose between something tight, low cut or short. The "highlight one asset only" has been given as advice in Cosmo and other women's magazines for ages - where she most likely picked it up.

    What are you saying here - that you heard this now and that it changes the way you see provocatively dressed women? If you like women in short, tight and low cut dresses (what most women see as "slutty"), then surely that's not going to change?

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    1. What I am saying here is that I'd always thought (and have written elsewhere on this blog) that a woman should dress as sexy as possible; but this idea of being partially slutty might be a better model for attracting men. I am still undecided...

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    2. I didn't realize this was common knowledge for women until just now. How come more don't do it?

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    3. How come a lot of women don't go on a diet and or try to control that frizzy hair? I don't know :)

      Honestly though, me and most of my friends will practice this to some extent. If they show cleavage, they will wear trousers or a knee-length dress, if the dress is short it will be more covered up on top. Could it be that a lot of women you have found sexy AND classy have been dressed like this but you didn't realize because men don't have a clue why they find a woman attractive? (insert link to post here)

      This is perhaps why I still believe dressing slutty attracts the wrong kind of attention. Because the ONLY women I know who show it all at once (legs, breasts, butt) are also the kind who behave inappropriately and therefore attract the wrong men.

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  2. Yeah, there's a certain rule of balance in terms of fashion and make-up..

    For example...a woman should either wear a smokey eye and nude lip or a strong lip (red, fuschia, burgundy..and so on) and neutral eye. Two strong points of interest on a face equals overkill.

    Same goes with clothes. If I go out and want to look sexy I show off only ONE area of interest..for example; a tight dress with a plunging neckline at knee length, a blackless top and a pair of jeans, a short dress with a high neckline..you show enough to tantalize yet hold back enough to maintain mystery.

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  3. "In other words, the most attractive women are those who dress like whores but act like good girls. Impossible, right? Probably."

    It is possible. I pull it off all the time.

    This post is interesting, because I know I've read this idea before, only as a rule of three, not a rule of two: show legs and cleavage but not shoulders, or shoulders and cleavage but not legs, or legs and shoulders but not cleavage to still be hot and attractive but not too slutty and only attracting guys looking for just sex. Maybe it's one of the posts on HUS by Susan Walsh.

    Cass

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  4. A girl is not going to share her play book with a guy she is interested in dating or going out with. That's why she won't return your calls. She doesn't see you in a sexual way. Girls keep their techniques to themselves when they are luring a guy in.

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    1. Actually I just found out it's because she is dating another guy. I got her number a while ago but hesitated to call her at first. Then we hung out the night I describe in the post and I changed my mind, and started contacting her.

      Apparently he swooped in and got her sometime between now and when we first met. Oh well...

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    2. In response, I would say this lady does not have a proper sense of her own femininity to reveal her trademark secrets. Andrew, you seem to value women who are feminine or so you say in your blog. Femininity requires an air of mystery when talking to suitors. She did not possess it.

      Maybe since you are dealing with California women. In the south, a feminine woman is not going to openly and crassly talk about her techniques......She is going to politely change the subject.

      She probably wouldn't have worked out for you anyway.

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    3. "Femininity requires an air of mystery when talking to suitors"

      I disagree. I think an air of mystery is a more masculine quality than a feminine one. Femininity is based in receptiveness, openness, and radiance - all of which are candid. Masculinity is far more directed, commanding, agentic, etc. - which, although it is not necessarily mysterious, at least is not antithetical to it.

      I am not attracted to mysterious women. While of course you can disagree with men, you might what to re-think that idea.

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    4. Receptive, open, radiant and cheerful female that is dressed "slutty" AND without a pinch of mistery as in let it all hang out? Or how :)

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    5. Yeah they rule of at least 1 mistake.... I meant mystery :)

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    6. There is not only one type of masculinity and femininity. I like an ounce of mystery in women.

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  5. Your friend is on to something. When I go out I usually wear skinny jeans and a revealing top. But if i were to wear shorts or a skirt, I would wear a more modest shirt (no cleavage). For the attractive women, it's all about balance.

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  6. Yeah, it's called the Rule of 3. You can emphasis boobs, butt, or legs, but only one from the list. I will often pair a short skirt and heels with a top that borders on weirdly modest-- like a batwing shirt.

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  7. Every sensible southern woman knows this... All moms tell their daughters this; "you can show one, but not both. Th e fact that this is new to some of you is quite daunting.

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    1. Not everyone is from the south ;)

      I say that in jest, but there is some truth to the fact that certain parts of the country have different expectations of men and women.

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  8. Do you get annoyed by attention hungry antics? If you ever even notice them

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    1. Yes. Though the girls I really like in the first place don't need to use them because I am the one that wants attention from them, not vice-versa.

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  9. In my experience this is true, though I have found that I can get away with dressing more on the slutty side provided I do not drink too much, do not flirt with every guy who walks by, and engage in meaningful conversation with the men (and women!) I meet.

    I should add that on the occasions when I have acted like a slut, my BEHAVIOR left far more of an impression than the clothes I was wearing or had worn in the past. I quickly learned in college that in terms of meeting men and leaving a good impression (at parties and similar events), my best bet is always to dress as sexy as possible and behave as ladylike as possible. Any other permutation of behavior and clothing just does not yield desired results (aka the right kind of attention).

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  10. Dressing slutty takes balls. You can feel the sarcasm and even hostility from other women and then the men too, might see you as try-hard. So I don't do it, unless I know what (who) I want and know what he likes.

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  11. So should they tone the sexy down once they're taken or would most guys be alright being the ice-t to her coco.

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  12. I dress for my body type and I like wearing form-fitting dresses and short shorts but I'm very aware of how I want to look if I want to go outside. I never wear anything that shows too much skin because I would feel so self-conscious. I get hit on all the time by guys even when I'm wearing something very conservative and covered up so I'm not sure it's the revealing clothing that attracts attention.

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  13. I'm 37 now, and wouldn't dream of dressing sluttily (but a bit of sexy, yes) but I distinctly remember when I used to go out in my early 20's and had a figure to die for that if I wore things too revealing (say a really short and right dress) I would feel self conscious and well, slutty. I think men would pick up on this vibe. If I went out in jeans and felt comfortable I would be fighting them off all night.

    I'm in Australia and my brother has recently returned to our hometown after 2 years abroad. He mentioned to me (something I thought was only my observation) that all the girls here go out looking exactly the same. They all wear the same generic short, tight revealing dress. Spray tanned within an inch of their life. He said they all look like a bunch of sluts and while you can't help but look its actually a turn off on other levels. He said the women he met in Toronto dressed with more individuality and class and this tended to reflect on them as people as well. I think our grandfathers had it right - its always more sexy to leave something to the imagination!!

    I think there is so much more to this whole picture - in that how you FEEL has a significant effect on your attractiveness. We all can think of a woman we have known at one time or another who was not conventionally pretty but had a certain magnetism that had men lining up around the block

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  14. " The girl won't return my calls either... "

    I know this is an old post... But why not take your own advice and "cut her off"?

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    1. I did, after a couple tries.

      I actually follow that rule frequently. Last weekend I approached a girl who was initially interested, but then must have changed her mind and started being cold. I said excuse me and left with my friend. Later she showed up at another bar we were at and came over to me at the bar. She made it clear with her body language that she wanted me to talk to her again. Even though she was cute and I wanted to talk to her again, I didn't. She missed her chance.

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    2. Don't you think that people should be given the second chance? Did you give up on her because you came across such behaviour before?

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  15. Is going braless considered more 'provocative' than showing a cleavage? I often feel that when I wear no bra (in this hot summer weather), it gets more attention from men than simply wearing something low cut with a bra.

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  16. I completely agree with what the woman in the post said. I have a great body but am not out for casual sex, looking for a good man & a good relationship. I do not want the attention from manwhores that short skirt & low cut top will bring. So I go more conservative on the top but wear a very form-fitting short skirt & high heels, even to work. So I always look professional and classy while looking feminine and sexy. And it seems to work, judging by the caliber of men that approach me. And by how they approach me. They seem to know I'm not the casual sex type and they like that. Maybe it's my demeanor too. After a couple dates with a man and I've decided I want to explore where this is going, I'll go for the tight top. And all hell breaks loose :)

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  17. hello first I'd like to say I have become a serious observer of your blog and the ideas that you put forth.my lifelong passion has to be understanding the dynamics between the sexes.I have come to a few hypothesis of my own and enjoy reading your thoughts.I am considered a very sensual woman in my early forties and have only just begun to understand the power that women hold and the basic biology / cultural factors that lead 2 wards different outcomes. Reading this text I completely identify with the woman's comments. As men are visually stimulated it is also imperative that you do not over stimulate their ability to understand the social contract you are creating with them. I have stones that if you are going to highlight an asset do it not modestly but simply. If you are highlighting your breasts then where a long skirt or pants. if you are tantalizing a man with your legs then don't overcomplicate his mind by showing too much cleavage. this creates an opportunity for the male to appreciate your body but focus on your eyes and face and if you could hope for your intelligence and humor. Having too many points of reference visually speaking causes a Man 2 over stimulate and thus lock up verbally.

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  18. Well, i think it's better to look sexy and modest, and seduce guys with your femininity. When you dress slutty, you're showing too much, so guys won't make much effort. But if you dress modestly, but sexy, guys will fancy you dressing slutty and will try harder. That girl is right, she's definetely a girl with class. You have to combine things right, combine something sexy with something modest.

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