Older Women Can Still Be Sexy

I recently spent a couple weeks in Europe. While there, I noticed something that genuinely surprised me: older European women are sexy. I found myself attracted to women over the age of 35 or even 45 much more frequently than I do in the U.S., where I almost never notice women over the age of 35. In Europe, it was a regular occurrence.

It didn't take me long to realize why. The difference is obvious. My attraction to these women could be almost completely attributed to the following factors:

• The leave their hair long
• They continue wearing form-fitting dresses, often short ones
• They continue wearing heels
• They stay in shape

This was kind of a revelation to me. I'd thought that wrinkles, loose skin, and thinning hair (the most obvious signs of aging) were the main factors reducing a woman's attractiveness. But this simply isn't true. Feeling my neck instinctively turn and my eyes involuntarily drawn to the hips of these European women as they walked by put an end to that idea. Perfect skin and perfect hair simply don't matter that much. My hormones were saying "YES" over and over again to women without either one.

This was a powerful realization for a couple reasons. The first was the simple satisfaction of realizing that it reinforces a couple points I've been making all along: that feminine beauty is highly controllable and that no women needs to be ugly.

But more importantly, it was powerful because it gave me hope. Yeah that sounds like exaggeration and maybe even a little gay, but it's true. I'd always had this background fear that after getting married and enjoying several years of physical attraction and great sex with my wife, she'd inevitably lose her physical beauty, I'd lose my physical attraction, and sexual fidelity would become a burden. A perpetually satisfying sexual relationship with an aging woman seemed impossible. And given that I never want to cheat on my future wife, that was a pretty disheartening belief. It essentially meant that I had to choose between having a family or a sex life.

I believed this was inevitable because I saw it happening all around me in the United States: the vast majority of women here become unattractive after 35. Physical attraction is by no means everything, but it's pretty damn important. So realizing that I could be legitimately attracted by women over 35 was a huge breath of fresh air. Sure, I'd always known it was possible for women to remain attractive as they age, but in the United States this is a rare exception, and seemingly impossible to predict. In Europe, however, it is the norm. And the fact that almost a whole continent of women can do it proves that it's totally achievable.

But here is the thing: European women don't just happen to wear heels and keep their hair long; it isn't a stroke of genetic luck or some fluke of cultural development. The decision to do those things is rooted in their mindset, in their beliefs. They do these things because as they age, European women continue to think of themselves as sexual beings. The wear dresses and stay in shape because they have zero doubt that they can still be very attractive to the opposite sex - and they are absolutely right.

In the United States, women either don't believe this, or they aren't motivated by American men to do this.* Probably it is some combination of these two factors, but I am skeptical about the importance of the latter, mainly because most European men are pussies, and they still manage to motivate their women to look sexy. Anyway, for the sake of not turning this post into a critique of cultures, I am limiting the discussion to the point about belief - or more specifically, American women's disbelief.

So let's get right to the point: that disbelief is unfounded, because you can totally look sexy to men well into your 50s. The exact same things that make you attractive to men in your 20s continue making you attractive well into your later years; there is no reason to abandon them.

Get rid of this idea that some clothes are "age-inappropriate," or that you have to somehow limit your wardrobe as you get older. The only clothes that are age-inappropriate are those that make women who aren't ready for sex look sexual. If anything, increased age should expand your wardrobe, since you'll be more confident, have stronger boundaries, and therefore be able to pull off sexier looks.

Nope, you don't need more makeup, and you don't need a boob job. Yes, believe it or not, your body is still sexy in spite of the wrinkles and grey hairs. Shit, I don't care if your hair is completely grey. If you are in good shape and you dress in a feminine, sexual manner, you are going to give men erections for a long, long time. The male need for Viagra says just as much about women's unwillingness to think of themselves as sexually desirable beings as it says about the impotence of their men.

Yeah it might be tough to see yourself getting older, especially in light of knowing how much men care about looks. I get that. But it is flat-out wrong and incredibly short-sighted to think that just because you are on a downward slope, the game is over.

Remember this as you age. And for those of you already well past your prime, recognize that it is never too late to reverse your thinking. You can still be sexy; you just need to make an effort and shed these puritanical American ideas. True, you'll be fighting your culture in doing so, and you'll have to learn to come to terms with looks of disapproval from the women who decided that it was acceptable to wear sneakers to the grocery store. But if your personal style is rooted in a firm belief about the kind of woman you want to be, you'll see those criticisms for what they are: comments from women motivated primarily by jealousy and the will to believe they don't have to work.

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* Some people might argue that American women stop trying to be sexy because the ones who get married and have children foster a culture that prioritizes raising children over being sexually attractive. This might be true, but it misses the point. The error lies not in American women's efforts to be good mothers, but in their belief that this somehow precludes being sexy. There is no reason why women can't do both, as evidenced by European women, who are also great mothers. In fact, this is a topic for another post, but I would argue that you actually can't be a great mother without continuing to think of yourself as a sexual being.

Related Posts
1. Female Game for Women in Their 30s
2. The Advantage of Dating After 30
3. Some Older Women Are Smart
4. What Men Think About Older Women

Are Manicures Worth It?

Last year, two of my female cousins were in town, staying with me for a wedding we were all attending. When they arrived, they told me they had to find a place nearby to get manicures and pedicures. Since they'd only just arrived, but the salons would be closing soon, they invited me to come with them so we could catch up. "You can get your nails done with us" they suggested.

I'm mildly homophobic, so I balked a little; but I'd heard of straight guys getting them before, and I was also curious to see what these "manicure" things were all about. Eventually I decided that there had to be some boundaries, so I accepted their invitation but insisted on leaving my feet untouched - no pedicure, because that would be gay (ha!).

Now, I understand that some women get their nails painted with fairly ornate patterns at nail salons, others have fake nails applied very carefully, and I am sure there are some other practical reasons for a trip to the salon. And don't get me wrong - the hand massage was awesome and I got to catch up with my cousins while we were sitting there. But as I looked at my nails after the manicure was finished, I struggled to see any significant difference from how they would have looked if I'd spent ten minutes on them myself. And in that moment, I realized something: women do not go to nail salons to have their nails cleaned; you go to nail salons to be pampered. Lesson learned.

So are manicures worth it? Should you go to the salon before going out every weekend? Well, I can tell you with certainty that a manicure won't help you attract men any more than spending a few minutes clipping your nails an cuticles by yourself, and maybe painting your nails (which adds a nice effect when it is done tastefully, by the way). But if you think it is worth it to get your hands oiled and massaged, and to sit back and relax while small Vietnamese women attend to your every need, I say go for it. I get it. I'm not judging.


Related Posts
1. Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable
2. The Importance of Heels
3. The Importance of Hair
4. How To Avoid Looking Fake

How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2

In a previous post I pointed out that if you want to control your posture, it is more effective to remind yourself of your strengths each time you catch yourself slouching, than it is to simply attempt to correct the posture itself. This is because poor posture is a symptom of low self-esteem, not just a bad habit.

Here is a good way to put this fact into practice:

Everyone has a few really good photos of themselves - photos in which you look your best (thinnest, hottest, happiest, most confident, etc.). The camera caught you at your best angle, you were wearing your best colors and your hair looks really good. You probably enjoy looking at these pictures because they make you feel good about yourself. It isn't just a matter of looking good; these pictures probably capture a certain poise or spirit of which you are proud - they illustrate you at your best.

Choose the best of these photos in your mind. The next time you catch yourself slouching, remember that photos, and specifically, remind yourself that you are the person in that picture. You will automatically and immediately (albeit temporarily) correct your posture. With repetition, you will begin to see yourself as the person in the photo more than you see yourself as the person who slouches. Before long, perfect posture will be a habit.

The Importance of Hair

Other than your physical fitness, your hair is the most important controllable aspect of your physical attractiveness. Most women know this. I am not a hair stylist, so others can give you much better advice than I about how to make your hair look its best.

However, it is worth underscoring just how critical good hair is to a woman's appearance. Rather than do this by compounding adjectives or superlatives, I want to recount the moment when I learned this for myself.

I had spent the night at my (now ex-) girlfriend's house and she was getting ready for work in the morning. She went into the bathroom to do whatever it is girls do to get ready. After a while, she came back into the room, looking gorgeous. I distinctly remember being turned on to the point that I  wanted to throw her back into bed. Actually, I maybe may well have; I don't remember now. But what I do remember was the epiphany that accompanied the following exchange:

"Did you do your make-up differently this morning?" I asked.

"My make-up?"

"Yeah, your make-up. It looks hot as shit, but something looks different for some reason. It's a more natural look or something. I really like it."

"I'm not wearing any make-up."

"Wait... what?" I asked, confused. "But you look...  wait, really? So what were you doing in the bathroom all this time?" I was scrutinizing her while saying all of this, and slowly became convinced that she really wasn't wearing any make-up.

"I was doing my hair." She answered. As soon as she said it I could see that it was her hair that was making her look so radiant. She'd washed it, straightened it, brushed it and pinned it half-up.

No one doubts how much makeup can improve your look. Hair matters more: don't underestimate the importance of grooming.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Hair
2. Hair and Makeup Variety
3. How to Avoid Looking "Fake"
4. An Interesting Hair Experiment...

How To Improve Your Posture

In another post I wrote about the importance of posture to a woman's attractiveness. I suspect this is probably interesting to many women, but not helpful without some indication of how can it be improved - which is what I'd like to elaborate on in this post.

First, I think it is necessary to understand that poor, hunched or closed posture is a deeply subconscious attempt to introvert and close oneself. It is an effort to literally protect the vulnerable front of one's body - that is, the area where our vital organs (groin, gut and neck) are most exposed. Poor posture is a manifestation of insecurity, whether it be physical, social or emotional. The deeply entrenched nature of a person's posture makes it incredibly difficult - indeed, virtually impossible - to change by repeated acknowledgement and correction. I know people who have have been doing this for years, but their posture remains unaffected. I used to have poor posture myself, and for a while made similar "acknowledge-and-correct" efforts, but they were futile.

My posture now is very good. The change was not one I consciously forced, however. Instead, it followed naturally from an improvement in my self-image and confidence. This was a gradual process, but it was was marked by distinct points at which I recognized my value, and more importantly, my potential. This would happened when I saw some similarity between myself and someone I admired, or upon some concrete accomplishment that made me realize that I was capable of things I hadn't thought I could do (or do well) previously. Accomplishment breeds confidence, and accomplishment is the product of initiative and effort - both of which are controllable.

But my personal experience is not the only evidence for my point, by any means. Consider, too, the people you know who have the best and worst posture (aside from the elderly, who have less control over these things). Almost without fail, the ones that slouch are also insecure or very humble, and the ones that stand up straight do so in proportion to their confidence. The correlation is unmistakable.

So rather than straightening up when you recognize your poor posture, you would do better to acknowledge your strengths and excuse your weaknesses, at which point your posture will improve naturally. Far more importantly, if you want to stand up straight, you need to begin to do the kinds of things that will allow you to respect yourself. If you are too timid to carry on a conversation with a man, start practicing so that you grow more comfortable. If you hate the fact that you are overweight, start setting weight-loss goals for yourself and penalties if you fail to meet them. If you have been wallowing in the wake of a bad break-up, shake it off, get back on your feet and start dating again.

These things are not easy to do, but I've seen the effect they can have on a girl's life, and they are worth the effort. They also become easier the more you do them and recognize their benefits. Taking charge of the things that you've previously been unable to master is the best and possibly the only way to improve your self-image, and therefore your posture.

Posture And Attractiveness

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

I've estimated previously that a woman's posture accounts for 3% of a woman's external attractiveness. And because posture is 100 % controllable, I concluded in the same analysis that it was worthy of 5 % of the time that a woman spends on her appearance. This might not sound like much, but that 5 % was second only to fitness, hair and makeup. In other words, once you take care of those three (obvious) things, you should be shifting your attention - not to your nails, breasts or even the color of your clothes, but to your posture.

Posture is important because it is a direct projection of your sense of self-worth. Looks are critical, even for long term relationships, but without personality and confidence you will not get past a first date or a purely sexual relationship. I plan to write a lot more soon about the importance of personality, and when I do I will make the point that a woman's sense of her own value is vital to her internal attractiveness. Posture is the subtle but primary mode by which that sense of value is conveyed, and men definitely notice - whether consciously or subconsciously. A woman with good posture exudes confidence, and confidence demands attention. Attention, in turn (the good kind at least) breeds attraction. In addition, being the external expression of an internal state of mind, posture is also a large contributor to external attractiveness.

I went to a bar last night, as I am apt to do on Wednesdays, and ran into a girl that I know and occasionally flirt with. She varies between a 7 and a 10 (depending on how she presents herself) - a very good looking girl, and in great shape too. She was sitting on a stool, hunched over - clearly tired and ready to head home. After chatting with her for a little while, her posture started to bother me, so I told her "you should sit up straight, you look a lot better that way," as I placed my hand on her back and shoulder to straighten her out. She laughed, agreed and sat up straight.

I had always known that a woman's posture makes a difference, but this was one of the clearest examples I have ever seen - suddenly she seemed alive. As she lifted her upper body, her back straightened and her chest pushed out, accenting her breasts and diminishing her previously scrunched-up waist; her neck straightened and appeared more slender; her hair fell more naturally over her shoulders and neck: her physical beauty radiated.

But these were merely the physical changes. In addition, her head was lifted - probably by about six inches - so that she became more present in the group, and her beauty was magnified by its sheer prominence (this is an argument in favor of female height that I have perhaps overlooked until now). She also seemed more confident, as if she could accept or reject any guy that approached her - and looking the way she did sitting up straight, she probably could have. Finally, she smiled. The effect of holding herself up triggered the emotions that normally cause her to hold herself that way, and she was visibly happier. A new energy seemed to come over her. While she was slouching she had seemed tired, maybe even ill; but now she appeared healthy, youthful, alert, engaged, exuberant.

But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me, because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed. The impression only lasted a moment, because her mood and attitude were not organic and ingrained; but it still concerned me afterwards - what if she had appeared that way when I first met her? And if she had maintained it, would I have ever been able to gain the upper hand? This is the power of posture.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Posture
2. How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2
3. The Importance of Heels

Your Skin Color Matters

If you want to make yourself more attractive, you need to focus on three things when you are choosing your clothes: style, fit, and color. The need for a suitable style is obvious to most people - your clothes should reflect or magnify your personality. Simple enough. The need for the right fit should be obvious, but it is apparently less so to many women (and men). Too many people don't wear clothes that flatter their figure. However, color is the most misunderstood and neglected of the three, and it is arguably the most important.

In the same way that your clothes need to work with your shape and personality, they also need to compliment your color, or more specifically, your complexion, which is the combined appearance of your skin tone, eye color and hair color. Have you ever noticed how Latin and Mediterranean women almost always look amazing in red and black? or how middle eastern women look far better in the deeper shades of most colors (navies, olives, maroons, etc. as opposed to blues, greens and reds)? If so, you've noticed the effect of color working well with complexion. This effect has been studied, broken down, and rebuilt into a science for more than 100 years by students of fashion and cosmetology.

Here are a couple examples. Note how Courtney Cox and Katherine Heigl look better on the left, where they are shown wearing colors that work well with their complexion. The effect is subtle but it is strong.

If until now you've chosen colors based on something you saw a friend wear, or colors you "just like," there is a good chance you look bad in them. Men notice this, even if only subconsciously. If you haven't taken the time to learn what colors make you look best, you are throwing away potential attractiveness, and therefore undercutting your chances with men. I've observed in many instances that a woman is far more radiant and attractive due to her choice of a color that magnifies her natural beauty. The effect is significant.

I won't tell you how to choose your best colors, because there are other resources that can tell you far more than I. My main goal is to simply to convince you that color matters. But I can point you in the direction of a couple of those resources...

The best book I've found for women about color is called Color Me Confident. I bought a few different ones for men and women, and this one blew the others away (as did its counterpart for men). I like it because it uses modern celebrities as examples, does a good job of explaining the categories it uses to group complexions, and also has sections about the fit of clothes and makeup as well.

This book could reliably be your only resource. However, I have one other suggestion. Find a female celebrity that has your complexion (including eye color, which makes a lot more difference than you'd think) and spend some time looking at images of her on the internet, paying close attention to the colors she wears. Try the following: do an image search for her name and a color, and scan the results. Pay attention to how many instances there are of her in that color. Just as importantly, pay attention to what doesn't come up when you do these searches - i.e. the colors for which you cannot find many instances. Take Penelope Cruz for example. Click on each of the following image search links and notice how the results show whether or not the respective color (and what shade) works for her, based on the collection of images that appear in the search results:

Penelope Cruz Red 
Tons of instances of her wearing red, and she looks smoking hot in it (Latin women...)
Penelope Cruz Blue
Plenty of instances of her wearing blue, but notice how in most it is navy rather than a lighter shade
Penelope Cruz Orange
Basically just one orange dress, and notice how it is a burnt orange rather than bright

There are also a ton of websites out there that either describe how to choose colors that work for you, or else offer online (or in-person) consultations. There are some good videos on YouTube as well. While searching for some of the pictures above I bumped into a few good blogs, which have a lot of examples of color done well, as well as explanations of the theory. Take a look:
http://seasonalcoloranalysis.blogspot.com/
http://12blueprints.com/
http://www.prettyyourworld.com/

While it should only take an hour or so to learn the principles and figure out what are your best colors, it can take much longer to implement them in your wardrobe. It won't be easy to overcome some of your misconceptions. Someone may have told you once that pink was your color (for example), and you've worn it ever since, convinced by the confidence of their compliment that it made you look good. But their statement may very well have been wrong, in part or completely - even if you thought they knew what they were talking about when it came to fashion. Maybe they just wanted to make you feel good. Treat every color (or color combination) as suspect until you know it really does work on you. Be prepared to throw some of your clothes away.

I know these things because I paid no attention to my own color for years, and my appearance suffered because of it. Sometimes I would put on a shirt and recognize that it looked good on me, but I would never know why. Frankly, I never really wondered - I was just content that it did look good. And when I finally learned about the need to address my complexion and learn what looked best on me, I started to realize why those shirts had looked good. In fact, my memory of those instances eventually served as examples in figuring out which complexion I had and what would work well with it.

So if you aren't up to speed on your color, go buy the book, do some research online, and hit the mall. Men notice, and it will make a difference.

All Men Have Different Taste

I am strongly convinced that it does more harm than good to give a compliment when it isn’t deserved, or to give handouts that haven’t been earned. So I wouldn’t write this post if I didn’t honestly believe every word of it. I am not trying to tell ugly girls that they have a chance with Gerard Butler, or suggest that fat women don’t need to hit the gym and diet like their life depends on it, but I am also not interested in watching a perfectly attractive girl despair when she gets rejected or called unattractive by a guy she likes.

The fact is this: all men have different tastes, and the variety of tastes is surprisingly large. I could summarize this whole post by saying that my experience has shown the standard deviation of men's ratings of women on a 10 point scale to be ± 25 %, but since most women don’t like getting information in such cold and concrete terms, I will do my best to elaborate.

While every man wants a “beautiful” woman, no two men have the same idea of beauty, and the variety of taste among men will surprise most women. I am friends with some very good-looking, intelligent and accomplished guys – in other words, guys with options when it comes to selecting women. When we go out and one of us sees someone he likes, he will usually point her out to the rest of us. Invariably, we disagree about how attractive the girl is. Only rarely do two or more of us agree that she is very attractive (above an 8). More often than not, one of us thinks she is drop-dead gorgeous and the rest think she is mediocre at best. I cannot count the times I have had this conversation:

“Dude, you see that girl over there?”

“Which one, the girl in red? Yeah she is cute. I think I…”

“No, no, the one further back, in the blue dress and heels, the brunette. That girl for me is at least a 9.  I gotta go talk to her.”

“In the blue?? Dude, no way man, I’d say she’s a 6 or 6.5 at best. I like her friend though.”

“Alright, well that works for me, let’s go talk to them, I call the blue girl.”

“Haha you can have her, I got the cute friend.”

We tend to think of physical attractiveness as an absolute thing. This tendency is reflected (and reinforced) by Miss Universe-type pageants and lists bearing titles like “Hottest Women of 2010,” which suggest that attractiveness is highly objective. However, it clearly is not this black-and-white – any guy can tell you this after watching one of these pageants or looking at the girls on the lists; no man agrees with the rankings. The women that appeal most to any given man are those with a look that resonates with him personally, and the factors determining a man’s “type” are innumerable, which leads to an extremely varied concept of feminine beauty. This is an extremely good thing for men because it means we aren’t all competing for the same women, which would mean an order of magnitude more bar fights – probably wars too. I suspect the same variety exists for women’s taste in men, but I haven’t asked around enough to know if this is true.

I’ve also found that when I agree with a friend that a girl is extremely attractive, her attractiveness tends to lose its initial effect quickly. The same thing happens all the time with music. The catchiest songs, the ones that appeal to a large number of people, are the ones that you grow tired of most quickly, while the ones that you end up listening to ten years later are the ones that were more unique to your personal taste, and took some time to appreciate.

The upshot is that a girl should not get discouraged if a specific man isn’t drooling over her; there are probably other guys that will – or would, anyway, if she presented herself at her best.

It is worth noting that this variety of taste applies primarily to a girl’s style, ethnicity, dress style, or complexion – most of which are interrelated in some way. It applies to a lesser degree when it comes to body type and age, but there is a surprising variety in taste there as well.