Tuesday, July 24, 2012

No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"

I've lost count of the times girls have tried being "just friends" with me after I've called off the relationship. It's happened after one-night stands, it's happened after dating girls for a few weeks, it even happened after having a serious girlfriend. And I know this isn't only something I've experienced. Girls try this with guys all the time. It is a final grasp at the remnants of the commitment that they worked so hard for. I am sure some guys try it with girls that dump them too, but in general I think women struggle with cutting ties more than men. It is a struggle that is analogous in some ways to a man's reluctance to make ties with a woman.

Whatever the case, "just being friends" is simply not a viable way of relating to a man or woman you've been emotionally or sexually intimate with. The severed emotional ties between you will prevent you from relating to each other in platonic ways for a long time to come - perhaps forever. This is something that we all know instinctively, whether or not we admit it to ourselves in the face of a failed relationship. Trying to be "friends" is a recently-dumped female's way of saying "I am not ready to let go." However, in some occasions, the male ending the relationship will suggest it. If this happens to you, know that this is a male's way of saying one (or all) of a few different things:
  1. "I'm over the relationship but I like getting laid a lot, and it will be a lot of work to get that kind of steady pussy elsewhere. Let's keep having sex but without the commitment. We'll call it 'being friends.'"
  2. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I don't expect that being 'just friends' will actually work, but I know this break up won't be easy for you, so I am suggesting being friends in an attempt to soften the blow."
  3. "I am on the fence about our relationship, but I am too much of a pussy to break up with you completely, even though I know nothing productive or emotionally healthy can come from staying in touch."
It definitely does not mean this:
Let's have a completely platonic relationship in which we ignore the feelings we had for one another, and even the ones we still have. I'll talk casually to you about the girls I'm dating or sleeping with, because the fact that we are "just friends" means that it won't hurt you at all to hear how replaceable you are, and how much I've moved on in such a short time. 
We won't need to worry about the temptation to have sex with each other, because once we become friends, any sexual attraction that existed will die instantly. Once we are "friends" we will immediately start seeing each other like ugly, wrinkled old men and women.
Oh, and also, most importantly: the "just friends" thing will be especially workable because my future girlfriend or wife will be overjoyed that I am still great friends with an ex. Women never get jealous of one another - you and she will probably be close friends someday.
It just doesn't work that way. So if a guy dumps you and says "let's just be friends," or suggests that you stay in touch, recognize that what he really means is one of the three numbered statements above, or some combination of the three. If, after being dumped, you find yourself tempted to convince your ex to be "just friends" or to "stay in touch" (because he still "means a lot to you"), acknowledge the fact that you really just want to hold on to some fraction of what once was, even if it is nothing like a real relationship and will actually hurt you in the long run. Be strong and cut him off.


Related Posts
1. When Your Ex Contacts You...
2. Men and "Friends with Benefits"
3. Why Do You Want Him Back?

184 comments:

  1. I agree Andrew. But I guess depending on the type of relationship it was, this can be devastatingly difficult to do...
    But one must try, if one is convinced the relationship is well and truly dead. But if not, work hard to get it right, to avoid having regrets later...no?

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    1. "Devastatingly" is probably an appropriate adjective. I am not suggesting for a moment that it is an easy thing to do. As I say, I think it is harder for women than men, so I won't even pretend to know what it is like from experience.

      I guess I agree that if it isn't dead, work hard to get it right. BUT, a lot of women use wishful thinking to hide the fairly plain fact that it IS dead. More than anything else, this post is an admonition to be honest with yourself when you are trying to decide whether or not it is dead. Trying to "just be friends" is in most cases a symptom of self-deception.

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    2. What do you recommend in the event you are expecting the man's child? Absolutely stupid and unplanned but, reality none the less. The relationship may not work, but for the unborn child's sake...you can't just "cut him off"...then what? He's not a bad guy, you just realize your lives have taken different turns.

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    3. I just broke up with the guy I was seeing for 4 months. I am in my late 40's and so is he. He is defintely on the fence. He has a very demanding job so we didn't see each other as much as I wanted anyway but I fell for him hard. However, one thing he did do was say that he didn't think it wouold be a good idea for us to stay sexual because of hurt feelings (when he asked me to be friends). I finally told him I could not be his friend. It's just not going to happen. He was really upset with me about this and then went on to tell me that like every other woman, when she doesn't get what she wants, cuts him off!! What?? Your rejecting me!! SMH!

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  2. I am friends with a few exes, but it's not something that happened right away. You do need time and distance away from the person to move on. It's also never going to be a deep friendship like you'd have with someone who has only ever been platonic. It's more just that we mostly enjoyed each other's company while and keep in touch occasionally out of fondness.

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    1. I think there needs to be a differentiation between being friends and being friendly when it comes to exes. One indicates maturity and the other desperation.

      There's a difference between seeking out an exes company and being nice in the company of an ex.

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  3. What about a serious boyfriend who:
    a. dumped you three years ago after moving away for school
    b. mutually kept in light touch and hung out once or twice/year since
    c. is now moving to my new town and has made "friendly contact".

    Is it just friendly? or Platonic? Could it ever be platonic after sexual and emotional intimacy?

    Or perhaps your comments are more directed to a fresh breakup where you "Promise to be Stay Friends"?

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    1. No, I think my comments still apply, but it also sounds like the breakup with him was more a matter of circumstance than disinterest - unless you are leaving something out. Maybe this guy wants to get back together with you. If this is the case, it is worth seeing where it goes, but don't fool yourself (or let him fool you) into thinking you are hanging out with him as "just friends." If he is getting back in touch it is because he has residual feelings for you, which may or may not be enough to rekindle a relationship - not because he wants to be buddies. And if you are honest with yourself, I think you will admit that you either want to date him, or nothing else.

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    2. He said he was breaking up with me because of the long distance and uncertainty of where he would end up career wise at the end of school. He said his feelings weren't strong enough to hang on and maintain in the interim. He didn't believe we would end up in the same place which interestingly we have a due to him proactively choosing to relocate here. So that's the whole story. Does it change your comments?

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    3. A little. If his feelings weren't strong enough to hang on and maintain the relationship, chances are they won't be strong enough now to re-initiate it. But, you never know. I would be very cautious about how you approach your interactions with him. After a few times hanging out, I sugggest you find out (though it might be obvious without asking) what his intentions are, and if he isn't interested in dating you again, drop him.

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    4. So you are saying men and women can be friends after emotional and sexual intimacy, but it has to be after some cooling off period. Of a few months or years. So if an ex contacts you three years later, it could be platonic, even if neither are involved with anyone else?

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    5. No, I'm not saying that; I am saying that he either wants to date you again, or just wants sex or some kind of ego-boost, or possibly just to enjoy your company the way he did when you were dating. Whatever he wants, you can be sure it isn't platonic. I am saying that if his motivation isn't a desire to get back together, cut him off because he is wasting your time and emotional energy.

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  4. What about proposing friendship with someone you've only been on 1 or 2 dates with? I have met a few guys online that I didn't have chemistry with, but who I thought were interesting and cool. (never proposed the friendship idea because I assumed they would think I didn't really mean it).

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    1. You thought they were interesting and cool, but they want to date you or have sex with you, not be "pals." You are the one who called it off, so you are like the "guy" in the scenario described in the post. Be honest with yourself - do these guys want to be "just friends" with you?

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    2. I see your point. It's just really hard to make opposite-sex friends.

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  5. In total agreement Andrew. I'm not sure why women love to go around collecting 'friends' (another delusion is women who have gay friends they claim as their gay 'husband'). Clean break is best all round.

    @ Anonymous July 24 do you really want to be available for a guy who dumped you 3 years ago?

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    1. I didn't say I was available to him, although I am single. I'm just trying to analyze his motivation for staying in touch in light of Andrew's posting about inability to remain friends with ex's. He sure as heck is not going to be my friend, I wont allow it. He ripped my heart out three years ago and I'm not going down a friendship path. He either explains himself as to what happened three years ago and helps me understand who/what he is now, and why he now wants to date me, or he exits my life. I don't know how I will respond to what he says if he wants to date. If it comes up when he gets to town.

      But note above: Andrew says whatever he wants, its not pure and platonic or friendly. So we shall see.

      I've always agreed with Andrew's basic premise. If you are intimate emotionally and sexually, you can't go back to being friends. Not in the short term and not in the long term either.

      And for that matter, I don't think opposite sex friendships between people who never dated are platonic. One or the other wants something or fantasizes about sex/romance.

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  6. Oh my God, I have so many ex's to delete out of my contacts... Wish I had seen this post sooner and really taken it to heart. All of my exs likely think I'm desperate/pathetic for wanting to stay in touch :/

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    1. If they broke up with you, you are probably right.

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  7. So what is the thinking behind this situation?
    I broke up with my boyfriend (of barely 2 months), and he asked to remain friends. I told him no, because we had started out as potential lovers (we were never friends before we had met) and since we had no background as friends, it would just be a pretense to call each other that. I was pretty adamant on this point, but after a few weeks I relented, and we were "friends" from then on out. We have both moved on to other people, but he still gets angry whenever I mention that we are with other people, and that he should be respecting whatever new girl he is with (he hooks up a lot). And after every such fight (which are usually via text) he immediately apologizes, not wanting to end on bad terms-- so why, if he knows there's no chance of getting back together, or of hooking up, and though we never really hang out, why does he insist on being "friends" if he does just fine with girls? Is this some kind of "I'm a good guy" complex?

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    1. He still wants you. You are the "guy" who dumped him. Just flip all of the references to male and female in the post and it will make sense. You reluctantly agreed to remain friends, and he is trying to perpetuate the relationship in an effort to get you back. Eventually he will realize it isn't happening and give up, but it probably won't happen overnight.

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  8. "I guess I agree that if it isn't dead, work hard to get it right"

    I've never actually done this. I feel like if I have to force it, it's wrong. All the guys I've dated have ended in such ways that I know I might have chosen to "work for it", and it might have worked out. Or there might have been fights/disagreements to clear up, or things that have made him doubt my feelings. But I still think the guy, who's the initiative part after all, should initiate "working for it".

    I'd love to at least remain friendly, but I usually cut contact and it stays that way. Even if a guy tried to rekindle things after time has gone by, I think I'd be skeptical. As in "you didn't fight for it then, what has changed?". If I was the one to finally end things, I suppose it's reasonable to give a guy another chance? But don't you think you should test things a little more thoroughly the next time around? It's not as if he's free to date around, see that his options are limited and then come back to enjoy my company.
    You wrote once that people change so much over time that you might not be dating the same person anymore and I agree, but how long do you think it takes for people to change significantly? I've been with guys who were a different person at 27 than they were at 24.

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    1. I think it depends on the person, but that most people change the most in their mid to late twenties, then again in their latest years (60s plus).

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    2. People change a lot throughout their lifetimes, especially after significant changes like a divorce and the infamous mid-life crisis between 40 and 50.

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  9. Andrew, I see your point in saying that exes can't be friends. In saying that in one of your posts "Men Don't Have Commitment Problems " you refer to a girl you used to sleep with. So you do have ex girlfriends who you keep as friends? I've just recently cut ties with a "friend" who I was intimate with last year and who insisted that we just be friends even though I didn't say I wanted a relationship with him.

    He told me he's seeing another girl who he refers to as a friend but who stays over often and cooks for him that's why he's still contemplating on whether things will work out between them even though they've been going out for more than 6 months! This made me sick! So I had to cut ties with him. As a friend, I was never intimate with him, but I did like his company and liked talking to him, but I realized that every time he'd talk about the girl he's seeing that I'd get jealous and specially when he'd post things on Facebook and tag her and tag her in places they'd go to but never really her picture. I had to unfriend him and delete his number. It's tough, I hope I am strong enough to stick to this! Can you give me words of wisdom so I can? Thanks!

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    1. There aren't really any words of wisdom - you have the "knowing what to do" part figured out already. I will say this though: by being the kind of girl who respects herself enough to walk away from a relationship cold-turkey because you know the guy isn't good for you, you will attract far more men. So there is an incentive there.

      I stayed in touch with that girl because she was attractive and there was a prospect of hooking up again.

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  10. So I dated this guy for awhile and then we broke up and a few months later we got back together and then we broke up again. So last night he texted me and started talking to me and was like let's be friends! And I didn't know what to say so I was just like um sure and so now he keeps talking to me and wants to keep talking to me. How do I let him down nicely?

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    1. Plus the second time we got back together he was the one who suggested it first

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    2. Don't be nice ... If he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't keep breaking up with you. He is most likely using you to fill some insecure need in between dates. It will never work ... been there, done that ... yo-yo relationships never work. Move one and save yourself from dealing with an ass.

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  11. What does it mean when a guy you have been dating who asks you on dates, has kissed you and messages you a lot drops the word "friend" in a conversation. He called me a "bad friend".

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  12. Try this scenario...

    Dated this guy for a couple months. We were very intimate, but did not have sex. I had an issue with his living situation. He had a female roommate who walked around the house cleaning in a bikini the first time I ever came over and who has a stripper pole in the house as well as a swing in the living room. What the heck was I suppose to think? He would refer to her as his "best friend" all the time. So I expressed concern there and he assured me that he has no interest in her and that they've only ever just been friends. Ok fine. Still weird though and I still had an issue with it and he could tell. I told him I didnt know if this was a situation that I was ever going to be comfortable with or something that I was willing to deal with. A few days pass with no word from him and then he decides to call me up to dump me. Weak. He gives a bunch of condescending excuses as reasons for calling it quits such as: that I am too nice and innocent for him, I am too young for him, I dont have enough life experience for him, and that he does not see a future. He says I'm beautiful, but he needs to do the right thing (whatever that means). Fine, so be it. I completely cut ties and do not contact him. Less than ten days after that he starts texting me asking me how I am, but mostly just random stuff about nothing. I respond, not really thinking much of it. Then he starts bringing me coffee at work (we work in the same business, but not together) and tells me he's moving out of his house and getting his own place. Then he texts me asking if I want to go look at places with him because I am also moving to be closer to work. I say maybe and dont contact him again. Then he asks me again and I decide to call his bluff and see what it is he actually wants. I go and we look at places, drive around, get lunch and he never mentions anything about anything and just goes on as if nothing ever happened. Very strange. I decide to never bother with him again. Few days go by and he brings me coffee and tells me he got a place, one of the ones we had looked at that day that I found. He says he'll still go look at places with me anyway even though he's already got a place. WTF. What the heck is he trying to do? Be my friend? I really dont get it. We were never friends before, so what would be the point of that? He has plenty of friends. I really did like him a lot and it crushed me when he dumped me. If has something to say why can't he just say it? He's 34 years old (I'm 25 if that's relevant). I don't get it and it just makes it harder to move on when he keeps contacting me and bringing me coffee and acting nice.

    And this turned out to be WAY longer than I had intended...

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    1. Actually now that ive re-read this, I'm thinking this was a little too much info to be posted on the internet. Can you delete my comment ASAP please?

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  14. It would also be useful for women to acknowledge the beta orbiter problem. Many of them seemingly won't, even when it's explicitly pointed out.

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  15. My boyfriend is friends with an ex-girlfriend of three years ago, and I believe (and am a skeptic with men, I swear) that they're sincerely friends, have been for awhile (after eventually getting over the break-up... Took a bit over a year for each of them, I think), and he's clearly committed to me. We've all three hung out together confortably, too. He's also hung out with her and her serious boyfriend on multiple occasions. I also maintain contact through email with my only ex-boyfriend, who I once loved deeply, and it morphed into a medium-level platonic love for me (he initiated the contact, after a year or so of no contact- and that after an initial period of trying to be friends when clearly the love, though not the compatibility, remained- it took for him to get over the end of the relationship). ... It is possible... Though, admittedly rare. And it probably only works if you were good, or even best, friends. And it should never be pushed. And it definitely, I think, can only follow a duration of no contact. You can't get over someone unless you completely cut ties.
    ... Anyway... There are exceptions, of a sort.

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    1. Yeah I can agree with that. There are some. But often the apparent exceptions aren't once you dig under the surface and find residual feelings.

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  16. I'm in "just friends" world with a guy and wondering whether it's worth the effort. We met maybe two years ago. I was NOT interested and not even remotely attracted to him. We would run into eachother ever so often, but started hanging out more recently. He was interested and very flirty, but after spending time with him, I completely fell for him. I was unsure what was happening between us so I asked him about going on a date with me, but he responded that he was thinking of getting back together with his ex and that we should be just friends. I was fine with that. A week later his ex rejected his plea and evidently I was now a contender. I was not going to be his rebound, even though I really liked him. We kept hanging out as friends, and my feelings didn't go away, so I asked him whether he'd go on a date with me becuause I really like him. He said we were just friends. So I moved on, started dating someone, but a week later he puts the moves on me and we had sex. In our post-sex talk we agreed to be just friends. I got over it and moved on, but while at his place one night, he wanted to have sex again. I was completely confused, but eventually left without doing anything. We kept in touch, he calls, I call ,email etc. I went back to dating the person I was and kind of erased him from my list of romantic interests. Then one day out of the blue, he felt the need to reiterate that we were never going to be more than just friends. I was confused about what was really going on, but also tremendously hurt. He realized he was a jerk and apologized, said he cares about me, and we decided to observe some distance and are still going to be friends. A week or so later, I've come to realize that he's someone I'd want to give a relationship a shot with. I think he uses me, and when his other pursuits don't work out, it's back to me. His friends think he is the most lame person on earth, my one girlfriend who has met him says he has no social skills is ugly, and none of them know what I see in him. Apparently I do like the guy, but am very confused

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    1. ...and I would be totally fine with a lot of #1!

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  17. My situation with my ex doesn't seem to fit any of the three reasons. He broke up with me, and after a couple months of going back and forth (I wouldn't have sex with him), he finally asked to be friends. And he was serious, I tried to cuddle with him, and he declined. Then I tried to cut him off completely, and he had some kind of meltdown, and threw several tantrums about it, and then dragged this out for about a month, until I really had to be deadly firm. I mean, what was that all about? My situation doesn't seem to fit into any of the reasons you stated.

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    1. He wants sex, he thinks you are playing games, too much drama, he isn't the one for you ... move on.

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  18. I broke up with my boyfriend because he's the kind of guy who just explodes and becomes hurtful(words) and insulting when he's mad..so I broke up with him after a bug fight and left the house, he called me, then tried to make up and then I stood him up.. Now I want him back but he doesn't want to see me because and I quote 'I'm a spolit immature brat, who pisses all over everyone'
    But he keeps texting me.. He's just making sure I'm still interested in him until he loses his interest right?

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    1. That sounds about right. I'd say the verbal abuse is grounds enough to cut him off and forget about him.

      Why do YOU want him back?

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    2. Yeah seriously you had a lucky escape! I had a boyfriend who was verbally abusive and eventually it turned into physical abuse. Honestly these people never change. I learnt that the hard way.

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    3. no woman or man should stay in an abusive relationship--never. no amount of sex, money, or fame warrants that, never.

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  19. I was introduced to a guy through a friend, we text a few times and seemed to get on well so we met up. That went well so we met up again, it also went well and we continued to text etc and were planning another date... but then he said he'd rather just be friends. I said it was fine, but from my point of view we weren't friends before so why pretend to be now? So I pretty much took that as a "I don't want to see you again but want to let you down gently"... but he keeps texting me. Nothing flirty or anything, just friendly texts. So now I'm confused, is this just him "being a friend" or does he want something more? Don't want to come right out and ask him, obviously.

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    1. I don't see why you couldn't ask him directly. If I were you I would send him a message saying "Look, I enjoyed dating but don't have much interest in being just friends." That should make him put up or shut up.

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    2. Thanks! I may try that :)

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  20. Total co-sign on this post. I agree entirely with your post, Andrew, except in my experience, men are the ones who have the issue letting go, lol. Strangely, whether I've been dumped by a guy or I was the one doing the dumping, they ALWAYS want to remain friends. (Wtf.) I assume it's for reason #1 because I can't seem to beat these exes off with a stick, even after I was explicitly clear that I did *not* want a friendship. I really think men have trouble "burning bridges" and like to keep the door open for something casual.

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    1. I know this is old...but I'd sure love to know if any dumpers came back wanting to date again. Mine is backwards from #1 in the OP. The dumper is the one who has kept in touch. I cut my ex off months after he dumped me but only after I realized he was doing this (trying to be friends I guess with occasional communication?). When I called him out (asking what his intentions were) I got that he misses me, cares about me, thinks I'm amazing yada yada, but thought we weren't "compatible enough". WTF. Why even keep in touch? You dumped ME.

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    2. I'd like to know what happened in your situation. I was dating a guy for two months, and we had so much fun together, but I acted needy and he ended things. He wants to be friends. I realized what I did wrong and would like to date again, but I don't know how to make that happen.

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  21. is it possible to date an ex, I have been for two years, were not serious just like eachothers company

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  22. we dated in high school, both been through a divorce,we both do not want a serious relationship
    and only see eachtoher once or twice a month

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  23. Great post but I'm really confused now! So, I was the dumpee 7 months ago after a 10 month relationship. He did the whole lets still hang out thing but it obviously didn't work. I've done as much as I could to move on, dating etc and think he's probably been dating too. In the last couple of months he's been in touch a lot, invited me for dinner, hung out a few times etc. he doesn't flirt or try to get me into bed so what's his game? Really can't he just be after friendship?

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    1. No. He enjoys being with you too, and by allowing him to enjoy your presence without him committing to be your boyfriend, you are letting him have his cake and eat it too. I suggest cutting him off. If he doesn't understand why, tell him "Look, I wanted to date you but you chose to break up with me. Being around you makes it difficult for me to move on and raises questions in my mind about your intentions. If you don't want me back, please allow me to move on by finding other girls to be 'friends' with."

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    2. Thanks for the quick reply. After 7 months with very little contact though I couldn't expect him to commit to being a boyfriend now and he probably thinks I have moved on from having feelings for him st least. is it not possible he's missed me and slowly seeing if there's potential for us again? I don't necessarily want that but I am confused why he's back now. Or maybe he thinks enough time has passed that we can genuinely be friends? (Which I think I know your answer to!)

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    3. That is possible (not likely), but that is not the same thing as seeking friendship, which is what you asked about originally.

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    4. Andrew-u r a dork with extremist-type views, but I guess they let anyone call themself blogger. It's perfectly normal to be friends with someone you may have had romantic interests in. Your all or nothing approach says three things about you (1) you are incapable of a mature or meaningful relationship, (2) the type of women you date are probably easy niave chicks who are desperate to date you, and (3) you should seek psychological help for your issues (seriously) because you seem to be wrong most of the time and seem confident in your misguided views.

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    5. I think you're failing to see the subtlety in what Andrew is trying to convey. They aren't strictly his opinions. What he has posted is based on what he has observed of social behaviour. Social behaviour does not adjust to gender equality rules. You can't live in an idealistic world. You have to live in reality. Maybe I'm a pragmatist but that's what I think.

      Besides, if you do not like what he said, you do not have to read this blog. He is not committing a crime here.It is rude to be so close-minded and make personal attacks rather than try to reach a dialogue. Be light hearted. Make it into a debate, not an attack. Make your criticisms charmingly.

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    6. But what if you want to get back together with the guy? Is it still best to tell him... "Look, I wanted to date you but you chose to break up with me. Being around you makes it difficult for me to move on and raises questions in my mind about your intentions. If you don't want me back, please allow me to move on by finding other girls to be 'friends' with."

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  24. So what about this.. Me and this guy have been talking and flirting for months now and he did tell me on one occasion that he liked a girl who was in a relationship. Although he told me that, he continued flirting with me and talking to me all the time. We have nothing in common, literally. He hates animals, I love animals, he hates kids, I love kids. But we still can carry on a conversation and enjoy talking to one another. He had also told me that he didn't know if he wanted a girlfriend because he was leaving on a mission (has to do with religion) and he would be gone for two years. Eventually we hung out with each other and he kissed me, not once, but twice, afterwards he left because he had to go and it was an awkward drive home because no one was speaking. I wasn't speaking because I was speechless and as embarrassing as it sounds, I was his first kiss. A couple of days later though, he texted me and told me he had thought about the night a lot now and gave me a compliment sandwitch. Where you compliment, then break the hard news, and compliment again. That's exactly what he did. He said that he didn't want a serious relationship at this point in his life (which I didn't mind because I don't want either) and he said that he was sorry if he made me think that he wanted us to be more than friends and that he doesn't want us to be more then friends. What does this mean? Does he really have no interest in me whatsoever?

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    1. It means he was sorry if he made you think that he wanted you to be more than friends and that he doesn't want you to be more then friends.

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  25. Wow. This is so right. I said to myself "I'll be friends with him". I genuinely do not want anything else but he will see it that way. Thanks. He seems decent enough. He was not tried to wing his way into a FWB scenario, which I wouldn't let happen anyway.

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  26. HELLO, I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months, 3 months to be exact and he never directly told me the ' I love you" phrase but we frequently went out for dates and even kissed like twice but neve engaged sexually.He admitted and it was evident that he is a poor communicator, would all or even text for weks on end till I probably made the initiative and called or texted.I eventually started confronting hi about it ad he promised to improved which seemed wasn't happening though he kept insisting I bare with him and be patient.Recently I called him and e couldn't pick and set a text that he would call me back the next day. I insisted till he evenually called me late at night and when I asked him and even mentioned that I had seen him that evening with a girl(though I hadn't).he admitted he had gone ut wit a friend and pulled the"let's just be platonic friend" on me and said I wa the one who insisted that he was never available and I was holding him back yet he did't want to hold me from pursuing another relationship.Don't no what came oer m but I was in tears,he noticed and quickly re-phrased that he I'm a nice girl and really caring but it seemed his lack f cmmuncation owing to his job is really affecting me and apologised for being a bad friend but insisted that we could still hang out. He told me the chic he was with was someone/a friend he had just met he previous weekend and he wants us to be platonic friends and build onfrom there.I know this may sond dumb but I need assistance.PLEASE ADVISE ME,WHAT SHOULD I DO?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Accept it, cut him off and move on.

      Easier said than done, of course, but it is the best move nonetheless.

      Delete
  27. Andrew,

    Please - I need serious help here!

    I started getting involved with a married man who was apparently having troubles at home with his wife. We didnt have sex til him and his wife decided to separate and she moved states. 2 months later she moved back and wanted to 'reconcile'. He told me he was falling in love with me the day she returned. We kept seeing each other, getting intimate.... and until recently he had to make a decision. He chose to go overseas with her to try and work things out. He told me there wasn't a guarantee things would work out, but he was gonna try. So that was no. 1 - he chose her. And he communicated this via email! I found myself waiting while he went on holidays with her and hoping to see what happened upon his return. When he returned, he texted me telling me his back and his wife was returning. At that point I knew they were reconciling. So that no. 2 - he chose her AGAIN.

    I found myself so sad during when he went away, to a point that I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. It was desperate! All this time, he kept telling me he had strong feelings for me. And that was what made me hold on for so long. Because I have feelings for him and 'thought' he had feelings for me.

    When he returned, he asked to speak to me on the phone and said he hoped for a close friendship because he thought we got along and understood each other. Before he left on his holidays he also said he wished he never lost me as a friend.

    So now I am going crazy wondering what I should do. Has this man been lying all along? Was his marriage on the rocks? Were the holidays not 'marriage evaluating' like he said, but perhaps even a romantic getaway for them both?

    He keeps telling me he cares, talked about our friendship for so many times even before he left. What are his intentions for a friendship and should I cut him off completely?

    Did he play me all along?

    Please kindly provide advice.

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He might have lied, but it isn't unbelievable that he could have been telling the truth. Either way though, the best and really only viable thing to do in this situation is to cut him off. Trying to be friends with a married man is playing with fire. Run from it.

      Delete
    2. Never get involved with a man who is STILL married. I don't even understand that kind of thinking. Wait till a man is completely separated, and available to even go on a date! Do yourself and these women who are in a life long committed partnership a favor, and don't set out to be a homewrecker, and then expect it to work out for YOU in the end. Bad karama either way.

      Delete
    3. I wish I had listened to advise about not even being friends with a married man. I thought I was the exception (like the many women on Baggage Claim). I really did. I have only had one partner and despite being in my 30's (due to lack of life experience) I fell for the "friendship". He seemed like a genuine friend of 3 years. Then I realised that he can't help his sexual desires like I can't help my desire for a relationship. Understand that if he really didn't love his wife, he would leave. There are no ifs whats about it. You dont want a man who cheats on his partners. You want a good guy. You deserve it. Power up girl and cut him out!!! You are worth a good man not a cheat.

      Delete
    4. What about a guy who was cheating with you, but left his partner to be with you. Can you ever really trust him?

      Delete
  28. Oh God!Andrew a few months ago i was dating this guy.He approached me saying he wanted to marry me.And i could not help it so i said yes.A few months later he again says the relationship can not work out so we just remain friends.I got angry and told him to pretend like we never shared something.But he keeps calling me and sending me christian messages.He then tells me that the reason as to why he approached me was because he wanted to be my close friend.Is this some kind of problem or a temperament.Guys,i need help.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Haha, excellent post. I am a woman and my best male friend was apparently playing mind games. We grew very close emotionally. Then we hooked up. He was like "let's be friends" and I said "all or nothing at all" (we'll either be together or we'll never be in touch again. And I brought up all points you mentioned in your post). He then said that I am having a 'jealous girlfriend syndrome' and that I am disgusting because I wanted clarity and because I thought basically what you stated in your post. So he exploded then and said our conversation is over. LOL I'm still very hurt especially because we were very good friends for a long time. But hey, if I want something serious and he doesn't, he has no business in f@#$ing around with my heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't hook up with a guy who is not courting you. Or if there have been no discussions of an interest in you romantically. Men will try to hook up with women, no matter what their intentions. And then for you to say "all or nothing" after that is like dropping a bomb on him. Communicate your intentions, and desires beforehand. Just don't give it up like that, period. If you read the other posts...you would have seen sex after commitment posts.

      Delete
    2. Courting doesn't necessarily mean that a committed relationship will come after hooking up. "Sex after commitment" is almost like "sex after marriage." The cut-off is purely subjective. I believe in due diligence. We pace ourselves and proceed with care, focusing on whether we are satisfied with the state of affairs. Guys can back off at any stage of the relationship and we have to accept that. This is how I write off a recent episode (similar to that of Anon Haha above): "He was cute. It was sweet. Thank God I wasn't with him long enough to be introduced to his smelly socks."

      There is a way to skip the dating maze and head straight to marriage. We will not have to read any blogs after getting our hearts broken. It is called arranged marriage. :p

      Delete
    3. He sounds crazy. I think you're better off.

      True, you may have shocked him with the relationship expectations. But he didn't have to be a dick about it.

      Delete
  30. Its not a mans way of saying that he hasnt let go? my ex dumped me, so i cut all ties with him, then a few months down the road he kept contacting me and i would blow him off, or just reply with a small response so hed go away. then he finally decided hed had enough so he deleted our pics off fb and deleted me from his phone because...and i quote "i felt like i was thinking about you way more than I should have been. especially since you have so much disdain for me. i wanted us to still be close. not in a relationship but to be friends at least. but when I found out you want nothing to do with me i decided to stop wasting my time being distracted by you. so i deleted u from my life entirely. just to better myself.. your severely mistaken if u think I have any hate for u. I admit I would look at your fb a lot more than an ex bf should. and to me thats pitiful..." fast forward to now, I decided ok ill be cool with him, and then he asked me to hang out, cause he was home for break, i was skeptical but did so anyway...he tried to kiss me... i said we cant cause were not together. anyway this doesnt seem like a ex who just wants to be friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Andrew can you explain this?

      Delete
    2. This falls into the spirit of category 1, even if he isn't looking for sex. The point is that he has chosen not to be with you (first by his action of breaking up with you and now by his inaction of not asking for you back).

      If he wanted you back, he would ask for you back - especially when you told him he can't kiss you because he isn't your boyfriend.

      Let me know if that doesn't answer your question.

      Delete
    3. No at this point that definitely makes sense. But what about the part before with him acting that way because I wouldnt talk to him? what was that about?
      and about the kissing thing...Hes been trying to keep in touch since so I recently told him he was flirting with me by acting "couple-ish," and trying to kiss me... and he gave me a sad excuse. saying "I wasn't flirting. and your my ex. there are certain things i would do with u that i would consider normal that i wouldnt do with a regular girl."

      Can you believe that was his sad excuse? it made no sense and instead of admitting it was because he had residual feelings (although not enough to rekindle a relationship) he tells me that. after the fact of course. As if we all act the same way with every ex, because when ppl break up they still do things like that simply because their ex's...right...bull shit.

      Delete
    4. Plus we are long distance because we go to separate colleges anyway. he should quit texting and calling if there is and wasn't an intent of starting a new relationship..though i have let him know i wasn't interested in that anyway,before that sad excuse he fed me (and im not though it would have been a nice boost to the ego lol)

      was he an asshole and im not reacting strongly enough or am I over reacting.

      Delete
  31. Andrew, can you explain then the phenomenon of the hit song by Gotye, "Somebody that I used to know". This person seems very emotionally upset that the person they were with cut them out of their lives completely, even though they were okay with the breakup. It seems a lot of guys related to this song. Doesn't this song demonstrate that men want women to remain in their lives for some kind of emotional reason? And what would that be?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She broke up with him, clearly. Think about it.

      Delete
    2. I agree Andrew. I know a guy who fell really hard for a girl and posted this song on fb as she completely screwed him over (cheated and didn't want him anymore) and then cut contact with him (well, at least for a while).

      Delete
    3. If you listen to the lyrics, he was fine with the breakup. He just didn't want to be cut out of her life like they never even had anything. "But I'll admit that I was glad it was over. But you didn't have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don't even need your love. But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. No you didn't have to stoop so low"

      Delete
    4. AnonymousJanuary 13, 2013 7:06 AM

      Think that's just man-talk. Otherwise he wouldn't have bothered saying anything.

      Delete
    5. My friend's ex dumped her, and posted this song on fb after she cut him off. He was very upset about it.

      Delete
    6. Hmmm..Hopefully she's better off doing that.
      This is what I'll do when the guy I'm seeing is going off travelling for 6 months (at least for this time). I don't want to see or hear about girls he's shagging in Rio or Caracas.

      Delete
    7. Yes that sounds awful. Sorry to hear.

      Delete
    8. I think the general idea is that whoever is more upset about the breakup (usually the one that gets dumped) is the one that is more liable to talk about the other being "cold." The reality, though - in my experience - is that really they just want to hold on to whatever remnants of feeling the person ending the relationship has for them. If it's a "friendship" then they'll cling to that, if it's a demonstration of the fact that he even remembers her, it will be that, etc.

      Delete
  32. Andrew, I need some advice. I was in a one year and half relationship and I just walked away from dysfunctional relationship on New Years. The whole time I was with this guy, was just not good. I am not perfect, I made mistakes and he made mistakes also. We do have a lot of fun times together but I never felt secure in a relationship. There is a lot of incidents that had happen, that sometimes we both felt awkward each other but we still tried to work things out. I finally walked out, he wanted to stay friends with me but I don't thnk it's a good idea because I feel like he just wanted to be physically attached with me. Now, I meet up one guy the other day and I like him.. The second time I saw this guy, we kissed. My ex invited me to play words with friends and exchange messages, he constantly asked me if date other guys , i said I did.. He asked me if I kissed him and I said Yes. He was so pissed at me, he started calling me bunch of names. I am hurt right now. He said he hates me, he said I'm a Wh***, slutbag, dumbass and etc. it so distracting to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your ex just wants his cake and eat it too ... he doesn't want to see you move on and seems abusive. Run!

      Delete
  33. I love this thread. I really need some advice as well, it would be much appreciated as soon as possible. I might be a bit young to be feeling the way I have been but I assure you my feelings are real and serious. I had a serious 3 year relationship with this boy, who broke up with me before he left for college this past summer(it stung but I understand the situation). I went on to start senior year of high school... He's been back for break and we keep hanging out/hooking up sometimes. He told me he feels like he won't ever be over me and loves seeing me when he comes home but I feel like that's really cutting me short in the situation. I'm definitely not over him. I'll accept even that type of thing just to spend time with him and I know I should stop I just don't know how. We always have such a nice time together... (I'm normally the one to initiate plans though, as all his friends are with him) Sigh, so that's the having the cake and eating it too? In the back of my mind I feel like he isn't over us either but I could just be really confused... I am really confused. Should I stop talking to him and see what happens?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, yes.

      And when he finally comes and asks "what's up? I haven't heard from you in a while..." Tell him that you are trying to distance yourself a bit because you get the impression that he is moving on in life, and you need to look out for yourself emotionally. Then point out that if he feels differently, then he needs to show you that, because so far it seems to you that he is losing interest. Cite the fact that you are always the one asking to hang out.

      Then see what happens. If he steps it up and starts asking you to hang out, and - more importantly - keeps in close touch with you while he is away, then you can consider taking his claims about "never getting over you" seriously. Treat them with cynicism in the meantime. If he doesn't get back to you, then you need to start switching gears and cutting him off more completely.

      Delete
    2. Thank you so much, that was really helpful to hear. Especially the importance of keeping in close touch while away part of it all. I'll do as you say, it's what feels right.

      Delete
  34. Andrew, this is about the post that I told you about how my ex tried to kiss me when we hung out, but what do u feel were his intentions or feelings when before that when he text me to say ""i felt like i was thinking about you way more than I should have been. especially since you have so much disdain for me. i wanted us to still be close. not in a relationship but to be friends at least. but when I found out you want nothing to do with me i decided to stop wasting my time being distracted by you. so i deleted u from my life entirely. just to better myself.. your severely mistaken if u think I have any hate for u. I admit I would look at your fb a lot more than an ex bf should. and to me thats pitiful..."

    and about the kissing thing...Hes been trying to keep in touch since so I recently told him he was flirting with me by acting "couple-ish," and trying to kiss me... and he gave me a sad excuse. saying "I wasn't flirting. and your my ex. there are certain things i would do with u that i would consider normal that i wouldnt do with a regular girl."

    Can you believe that was his sad excuse? it made no sense and instead of admitting it was because he had residual feelings (although not enough to rekindle a relationship) he tells me that. after the fact of course. As if we all act the same way with every ex, because when ppl break up they still do things like that simply because their ex's...right...bull shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and should I quit talking to him all together?

      Delete
  35. Hi Andrew,

    After 7 amazing dates with a gentleman he calls me up at 3 am to say he doesn't want to lead me on and that he thinks we should only be friends. by friends he said we should still hang out and have weekly Bible studies togethe(I am a celibate Christian) i was hurt because he knew I was looking for a serious relationship and not a friend. I am thinking we should never talk again...is that too harsh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's probably appropriate. As I said in the post, his main motivation for suggesting the friendship is to take the edge off the news. While he probably wouldn't mind staying friends, he isn't going to be overly upset if you tell him politely that you'd rather not be "just friends."

      Delete
  36. its true. i had feelings for this girl and i left the country and its not like my feelings are gone. she says we are "best friends" but we cant just be best friends after our past. meanwhile shes getting around with people i know. we hung out tonight as "Just Friends" and she ended up getting picked up by another guy. its tru, i will never be her best friend but i cant have a relationship with her. see i was the one that was the bitch in the relationship. i waited for the txts i let this person win and let me go knowing i was leaving for school. but still it just shows that i cant be her bestfriend but i can still be there for her. im not going to continue to try to get her but i wont abandon her for her choice to be single.

    ReplyDelete
  37. i have very strong feelings for a guy, ive known for a year and a half. hes 33 and im 35.
    He has told me once before that we cant give each other what we both want and i gave us a break for two months. i wish i hadnt given in but i contacted him again. Its been on and off since...more off, and hes now saying the situation hasnt changed, but we can still 'be friends'.
    Im confused..i feel we are close in the sense that he can talk openly to me and share his problems. he looks deep into my eyes, and i know he is staring at me. i can honestly tell him how i feel and call him out on things. he gets really angry at this and goes silent on me for days. but will return my calls. Although we started out as casual sex, i didnt sleep with him on the first night and i knew it wasnt about the sex. this fizzled out 6 months in. so i know we are close as friends. i keep reading that friendships are the basis of the best relationships?
    Am i just a shoulder to cry on? he has never told me how he feels..except i like you but..we can never be together..it wouldnt work. i have two children age 11 and 9. he has none. he raises this as an issue and says he feels uncomfortable if we are intimate in the home if they are present.
    Am i blind to the obvious that its never going to work.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Ok, here's one for some feedback. Have been friends with a woman for several weeks and that was my only intent. Initial feedback after meeting for drinks was "didn't feel 'chemistry' - felt like friends. I just wanted to be honest and up front" to which I replied that just friends is fine in my book. Somehow things got blurred and that friend line was crossed mutually - twice. A few days later, after some odd banter I got an "I am not attracted to you" email. Can you go back to friends after that? Or is it now FWB? Truthfully, we enjoy each others company and we can text and email back and forth all day long, but while we have a good repertoire, friends could work forever but neither of us is the "one" for each other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crossed in what way? Made out or had sex?

      Delete
    2. The first time was messing around and the 2nd went all the way.

      Delete
    3. Hmmm, you could be the guy I am currently not seeing. Friends only we said, he is funny and makes me laugh but the chemistry is missing. And yet we messed around several times, which we shouldn't have - and how do we go back to friendship at this stage... Stay away, do other things, and then possibly slowly reconnect again. We have done it before.

      Delete
  39. What about if a guy 21 is having an issue with almost loosing his kid when the mother moves away with the child. So hes been cheating & lieing to me 29 from the begining. We've been dating since dec 17 to almost now where we arn't so serious. So he tells you that he has to be with the mother. When you find out this, it is the same time you found your boyfriend with the mother. He ends up comimg back to see you or have sex. Then trys to call off our relationship for my sake. But when I act like I like him, like he acted like in the begining it wont work. He was more into me than I was in him. Though now I am really into him. We are going to talk & maybe see eachother just not in full speed. We both live about 2 hours away from eachother & our deal was that we take turns going to see eachother. I go see him on the following weekend since we'd met because of a show secheduled where he's at & New Years he'd come to me. But he didn't & I went to bring him to my city & we / I ended up wercking my dads 150k $ car from the wet road. So that night was ruined. Then it was my 4 time to visit him again (because he dosn't even have a car). So when I went thats when I find out the whole babymomma story. I dont know if I should let this go or just take it slow with him. We cold just stop. But were kinda into eachother though. I just feel more into him than he is into me now. There he is texting me now ;) yayy! I like him there & the company. But I'm still confused & hurt a little. I wish we could just make this work.

    ReplyDelete
  40. When a guy ends a relationship and wants to breakup but gives the line: let's just be friends, then what does that mean? There is no for sure reason when a guy ends a relationship and give the let's just be friends line because each man is different; however, there are 5 reasons why he would suggest those four words after a breakup.

    Let's Just Be Friends: Makes Him Feel Less of A Jerk

    No matter how much of a lousy boyfriend the guy was in the relationship, in his own mind he feels less guilty by ending the relationship if he gives the let's just be friends line. He feels that by offering a friendship instead of a relationship it will ease the blow of asking for a breakup. This makes the guy who asks for the break up feel like a better guy. He thinks that by saying, let's just be friends, that it's an easier way of saying good-bye.

    Let's Just Be Friends: He's Unsure Of A Permanent Breakup

    The man may be feeling that the relationship is not going the direction he feels it should be going and wants a breakup but does have an honest interest in the woman. By asking: let's just be friends, this allows him to hang on just in case he feels differently down the road while exploring his other options.

    Let's Just Be Friends: Friends With Benefits

    If the man wants to stay in touch with a woman after a breakup and give the line: let's just be friends then he could have the woman as an option for a friends with benefits deal without the loyalty of a relationship. Don't fall for the whole friends with benefits after a breakup. It will not end a breakup but make you feel used. If the man truly cares for you then he will want to be with you and not use you for a friends with benefits deal.

    Let's Just Be Friends: He Thinks The Woman Will Go Crazy

    Yes, women sometimes go a little crazy by creating embarrassing scenes, drunk dialing, and other things when a man ends a relationship and asks for a breakup. By suggesting let's just be friends, the man could think that it gives the woman a false hope that he still cares but maybe he is confused about the relationship. He may even ask for "a break" but does not intent to get back together after a relationship.

    Let's Just Be Friends: He Really Wants To "Let's Just Be Friends"

    Just because a man and woman's relationship didn't work out to how he planned then just maybe the guy actually means when he suggests, let's just be friends. At one time after all, the then-couple clicked and had things in common. Some men feel that just because a breakup occurred that it doesn't mean that the two can't have any relationship at all: even friendship.

    Let's Just Be Friends: Conclusion

    Regardless of a breakup, when a man asks for the relationship to be over and gives the let's just be friends line, a woman will only know what reason he gave it by his actions. Both men and women's actions mean more then just words. Just for heaven's sake do not fall into the friends with benefits trap. Friends with benefits will not glue the breakup back together by giving the benefits of a committed relationship without one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for this post; it gives me hope for a He's Unsure Of A Permanent Breakup scenario. I acted insecure and needy and he ended things, but asked to stay friends because he thinks I'm unique, creative and positive. I have realized the error of how I behaved, and hope I can convey this when he reaches out, if he does. In the mean time, I continue to date other men.

      Delete
  41. I dated a guy for about a year. We talked everyday and saw each other when we could, became very close very quickly. We never truly committed and a lot of our feelings were left unsaid. I was going through a divorce at the time and really wasn't emotionally available. Bad timing...obstacles tore us apart. We didn't even really get to talk about what happened. He just stopped contacting me and wouldn't respond to text or phone calls. So we lost contact for about 8 months. Well I sent him an email around the first of January forgiving him for everything that happened and wished the best for him. I wanted to clear my heart. He reached out to me and asked if I wanted to catch up after the new year. I said yes so we started texting and have been for the last three weeks. But have not actually caught up yet. He texts back when I text but when i called he never called back and we still haven't met for coffee. Seems I'm doing most the work. But i recently found out he is dating someone at this time. So I asked him about this and he said he was but its not that serious. I told him I can't be just his friend i have to many feelings for him...he said he really wants to be friends with me. Should I be friends with him? My heart says no because I can't deal with hearing about another women. But then I think we could rekindle something by just starting over and being friends....does this really ever turn out good?

    ReplyDelete
  42. I believe this is true in most cases, however I. Have 2 friends that I once dated. Both were friends before we went out and one wasn't very serious, but the other was. He is my ex fiance. I won't go into details, but it did not work out and we remained friends from the time we broke up. I still care for him, but not in that way any more. My husband talks to him on the phone abt video games lol! They actually get along. My husband is friends with a girl he dated a long time ag and I'm ok with it. If I wanted to be with my ex, I would, I my huusband wanted to be with someone else, he would. We're not tho and dot want to. Its about trust an knowing life isn't black and white.

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  43. Ok I have a question for you all. I broke up with my boyfriend(who is now my ex) on Jan 20th 2013 and he keeps calling me begging that he'll change and well you know anything to get me back. I dont really want to tell you why we broke up cause its probably going to seem selfish so I will put it this way. He say as an excuse to not hang with my on that day was I thought since we had seen each other for two days in a row that it would be ok for me to hang out with my friend. Ok 1- He knew I had plan that day on the first day we hung out that week and kept asking him if he had any plans so if he did I could change our plans. Yeah I know it sounds like Im clingy but I live 20 miles from him so when I plan to go and see you and you tell me you want to hang out with someone else yeah Im going to be pretty tick off cause gas isnt cheap. Anyway back to my point. He choose a guy friend over me!

    When he knew I had plan this so I figure instead of telling me to leave him alone and that he need guy time. He says Oh I want to hang out with my friend instead. So a little later that day he texts me saying Im sorry I didnt know how much you want to hang out. Oh and if you're wondering why Im making a big deal is that I wasnt going to see him for probably a week cause Im not going to drive 20 miles from my house to see him. I even ask him to come see me but he was like but you're so far away! Oh and he has constantly done this mulitiple times. Every time I seem to plan something and HE KNOWS yeah im going to be mad when he cancels but he does it anyway. Now sorry this is getting so long but I want to explain you know what lead to the break up. Well he keeps constantly text me and I keep trying to make it clear I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU! He keeps trying so finally I get on the phone and said HEY! Its over im done with you putting me off cause to me that is you saying im a waste of your time and I know when Im not wanted. So please go spend all your time with that guy friend of yours that you so badly had to see. So after saying that I hang up then text AND DONT TEXT ME EITHER! Guess what! He does anyway and says Can we be friends?? I said I'll think about it. So I get on the internet discovering pages like this saying It's NOT a good idea to be friends with your ex. Though I didnt tell him I look up that it was bad cause then he would say something like oh those people dont know anything but I believe you guys(and girls) so I said No we cant be friends. He says well think about it some more and I said what part of NO! Dont you get! I can tell that after saying this I can hear in his voice him pleading to not cut him off and I said You can call me all you want or text but Im not answering or being your friend. I said give me a year or two then maybe I'll reconsider but it will probably be too late.

    Also I will say I would like to be his friend but if we do like I said It will be probably a long long time before that happens but from what you have said I dont think we can cause I KNOW he still has feelings. And no I dont have feelings for him. He really really hurt me when he basically ditch me for that guy. The reason Im so mad is cause he seems to hang out with them WAY more then me. So my question is Should I be friends with him? I mean I know my feelings for him are pretty much gone.Well there might be a little something I dont know. Im asking though cause Im scare that if I do become his friend he'll think he has hope to getting me even though I told him there isn't cause Im going to date another guy(not yet though). I have mostly cut him off. By mostly I mean I have talk to him a few times but only to tell him to leave me alone. Please help me and IM SO SORRY that this is really long but I really need help! I thought he would eventually let go but he isnt! I keep telling him let me go! Please help me!

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  44. What if he broke up with u and u wanna r friends cuz u were the idiot and made him pissed of is it ok can we be friends and dose this mean that we would only be friends or is there any real chance that we could become something again

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  45. What's the difference between reason #2 and #3? Seems the same to me.

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  46. I found this while Googling a lot of desperate things wondering what my ex can be thinking because after a year of breaking up I sent him an email to say I'm sorry for my part of things (he broke up with me). So, in my view I was taking the high road and in a sense giving myself some closure. However, he didn't respond, and I don't believe he is about to. I keep holding on thinking one day he will, or his lack of response means he cares too much.... (Yes, I'm saying a lot of Sex and the City type cliches, I know), but it's slowly becoming clear to me that I'm obviously wrong and he just doesn't want anything to do with me. I suppose it's tough for me because we started dating 10 years ago for about 3 years then broke up for about 4 years and dated for 2 more years. So all of that time together (as well as him being my first love) has really put me in a position of being stuck in a place where I was fine with no contact for a long time then suddenly I was really desperate for contact and really hurt that he didn't feel the same. I think you're likely right that women hold on longer than men or are more attached. I have to face the fact that he just wants nothing to do with me and that me hurting like this is just hurting me and he is likely not even thinking about me at all.

    I felt I did have to apologize for my part in things because he can ignore me all he wants, but I know I was sort of nasty after the breakup and I just wanted to make amends for that, mostly so that in my own mind I would know that I did all I could to make my last comments to him nice ones rather than nasty, because I didn't like who I was with him. I'm having a hard time looking back at it and seeing us bringing the worst in each other. Instead I see him as being sweet and me as being undeserving and awful to be with. I have no idea how to see it any other way. I often go to a place of self-hate and I need to step away from it. I just wish I knew how. When I found this blog I realized though that I really need to stick to the no comment thing forever.

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    1. I think a lot of men disappear or leave because the women they leave have made them feel useless/not good about themselves. I was with my ex for 11 years until I left him. I always tried to make him feel good (he was great in so many ways) and it felt natural for me to do so. He never wanted to leave me and to my knowledge he didn't cheat on me, even when the sex became almost non-existent (I didn't want it).

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  47. What do you think about a professor asking a college girl to do things like go swimming? He's never said anything even remotely inappropriate nor asked personal questions etc. I've been to his office hours a few times and he took me out for coffee after I did well on a presentation. I thought that was fine but then he suggested we go to this cool swimming place he knows about. He's the nicest man and it sounds fun (and honestly even if he was attracted to me I really don't think he'd act on it) but I just thought it a bit of a strange place to ask a student. He's probably around 65 too. Is it possible for a man to just want to be like a grandfatherly figure?

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    1. He wants to see you in a swimsuit. He isn't going to rape you, but he is probably going to jerk it several times thinking about you afterwards. I don't see the harm in going, but I can also see how that might creep you out. Your call. Either way, I would bring other people with you just to be safe.

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    2. Thanks for your response (you too anonymous below)...lol @ jerking it afterwards. Is there ever an age when men can no longer "jerk it" and/or have no desire to do so?

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    3. I doubt it, though obviously I won't know until I get there myself. I know some married couples have sex well into their 60s, so the drive is certainly still there.

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    4. Hannah, do you want to see the professor in his swim trunk?

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    5. My grandmother complained at 80 that my (even older) grandfather wanted too often so it seems it's very individual. :-)

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  48. @ Hannah

    The chance that he wants to be a "grandfatherly figure" is about the same chance that you'll be sprouting wings and flying around the world by this time tomorrow.

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  49. What about if been out with a girl on 3 dates. Two amazing dates! By the third date she told you her ex came back into the picture and she's really confused but she wants to keep seeing you as she does like you. A couple of days later she sends you a text to break it off- saying you came in at the wrong time, her head is completely messed, and she should back off before it goes any further. You say it's fine, you hope things work out with her ex(which isn't true) and she knows where you are if she wants to meet for a drink sometime as you would still like to be friends? I like this girl a lot, not only was I attracted to her but she was an interesting, fun, bubbly person. So I wanted someone like that around me, being friends at least. She replies saying of course we can be friends(smiley face) and she hopes I'm fine. Does that mean she means it? Can I message her to meet for a drink sometime or is that going to make me seem like I trying to get her back/not over her. Btw I am also female- so not sure if it's any different than the boy/girl situation.

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    1. Also we dated for all of two weeks. I mean we haven't know each other that long and don't know each other that well. Would even want to be friends with someone you've dated for that long? I guess she doesn't owe me anything.

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  50. I am kind of confused on what to think and where things between me and my ex is heading. I met him on a dating site and we kept talking every single day for about 6 months. We met up once or twice a month too as we do not reside in the same city. I had gone for a vacation home to meet family, and did go to meet his family as he had asked me to. I obliged to that as we were pretty serious and that how things work in my country. I got back and in a week he tells me that things are not working out and he would not like to continue on. I tried to find out a real reason but never ever got answers for it. I hardly made any contact with him for about 3 weeks. Then one evening he calls and tells me he wants to get back and give it a second chance. I am confused will this work... will we be able to gain back the trust that we had about each other. Initially I was happy that may be the second chance would work. I wish it works, but in the process I do not want to hurt myself again.

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  51. Hi...some interesting posts. I started dating a guy mid December and for three weeks everything was great. He was chasing me (texting me every morning, through out the day, night), and wanted to see me all the time and prolong our dates. He confided in me and basically told me his life story...im 32 and this is a guy in his late 30's. Out of nowhere he tells me that all he can offer me is a friendship for now. I was confused how he could go from one extreme to another. I asked why and he said that he wasn't happy with his life. He would never be able to give 100% of himself to me now because his job demanded too much of his time. I've been going along with this now for almost two months and its hard. He is my quintessential "dream guy" as he possesses all the qualities I was looking for in a man. He tells me he cares for me and looks at me in a way that speaks volumes...the eyes tell it all!! I'm not sure how to proceed. I care about him and love being in his company, we see each other a couple times a week. I know he's not seeing anyone else because he's texting me every night if we're not together. I don't know if I should continue with this because the feelings will always be there, he seems to be coping better than myself, and it sorta hurts. Wth should I do?

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    1. Your story is like mine. If he said friendship, he meant it. Just accept it and move on. I have moved on and I'm so happy. Have no feeling anymore for him. You only waste time for loving a guy like that if you want serious relationship. Believe me, I've been there.

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    2. A part of me knows that, but why act like you're into someone and worship them only to conclude you just want friendship..? A 38 year old man can't determine wtf he wants...that's sad!! And what is this "for now" nonsense? He gives false hope on top of false hope. After he said this to me, I asked him on several occasions if it had something to do with me, perhaps he realized I'm not his type or suddenly didn't think I'm "hot" anymore. He swore that it had nothing to do with me. So he's a pathological liar as well as a player?!? Why can't people just be honest about their intentions? Take this as a lesson, doesn't matter how old the guy is. Age has zero to do with a persons' maturity level or intellectual honesty. I can't just walk away from this, I feel like I'd have to leave with a bang.

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  52. I totally understand this ... but what about this situation ... we started as friends, he's in the band I work with so we got close as friends for about 3 months. Everyone kept commenting tho all of a sudden that we would make a cute couple bc I guess yes we did flirt a lot and joke around but I never gave any thought to it. He's 21 and I''m 27. After all this we realized that yes we actually did have feelings for each other and took that jump. Last 3 weeks have been amazing, hanging out all the time (a little more than we did when we were just friends), he texts me all the time, tells me everything and I to him, asks my opinion on everything before he does it. He's sweet and would grab my hand all the time and kiss my forehead and hold me close while watching movies. This was all him, I cautioned myself because I didn't want to fall too fast right away. Last week in the car we were talking and he made me promise to not hook up with other people and then yesterday had a 2 hour talk with me about how he can't offer me what I want right now, a relationship (being boyfriend/girlfriend) because he needs to put all his attention into finishing school and that he wont be able to give it the time and effort it would deserve. He said in May when he's he done than maybe things will be different. He said that he didn't want to string me along tho and he knew from the beginning I didn't want to do friends with benefits so he said that right now the best thing to do is to go back to being friends, best friends he said. He doesn't want to change anything just take out the physical part so that I don't get hurt and he can focus on school at the moment. He swore up and down there was no one else and he doesn't plan to go out looking for anyone that it's really just the pressure to finish school. He said he still wants to do everything we talked about, trips, concerts, etc. So what does one do? I will still see him with the band stuff during the week and on weekends but do I do best friends until May? Or do I pull back all feelings and take it as his way of letting me down easy? He is more than worth the wait till May I just don't want to be the idiot not understand what he's actually saying ...

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    1. Wow!! Your situation is almost identical to mine, the only difference is the age group. My guy said the same thing about not looking for other people and taking out the intimacy. Yours sounds more promising though. If he's worth the wait...then wait. Til then just keep things casual and keep yourself busy with work, family, friends..etc. I mentioned in my previous post that the guy I was seeing who is now my "friend" realized that his job would get in the way of us being together, which I still think is a bullshit reason; nonetheless I accept it because he's an honest person. He also has been looking for work in the states and could leave at any given time. Even if I continue being his friend it'll devastate me if he leaves. One thing I've noticed with men is that there's rarely a rational or logical reason for their behavior. I'm 32 and I've dated a lot and its the one consistent trait I can link between every guy I've dated. I've met guys who told me they were in love with me after a week of dating and then disappeared and others who told me I wasn't their type ans then began calling me begging to see them. So, this guy in your band basically went from one extreme to another without any warning. Don't question it because you'll never get a clear answer and you'll go insane trying to make logical sense especially when you tell yourself that you would never behave that way....women know what they want and aren't as confusing despite the stereotype. The best thing to do is be indifferent...don't pretend to be. Actually become indifferent!! Keep your emotions in check and don't let them control you. Let him be the one to always initiate contact and ask you to hang out. If he decides not to be with you by May, you'll be in a much better position emotionally if you stay indifferent.

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    2. Anon 2:05, to me it does sound like that was his way of letting you down easy. I recommend reading Andrew's post called Cut Him Off. The best thing you can do right now is cut him off as much as you can even if you still have to have a professional relationship with him. If you continue to give him your friendship and continue to allow him to benefit from your support and company, he will never see what he is missing. Plus you will not give your self the chance to mover on. I know that you may be set on him but I assure you that there are other guys out there and you shouldn't waste your precious time on men who are not available. Also, he is very young and unlikely to want to settle down anytime soon so EVEN IF he did want something more serious, I doubt that this relationship would end in marriage which you may or may not care about but I would be skeptical about the future of this relationship. I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear and I'm sorry for not giving you much hope but if i were you i would cut my losses and move on.

      P.S, the last guy that broke up with me also said the words "I don't want to string you along" and it still makes my blood boil when I think of it. So insulting! Could they be any more insensitive?

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    3. What about a 38 year old man who seems intelligent and has only ever been in serious, long-term relationships? Should I just cut him off? I'm so damn confused!!

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    4. Anon 2:05, I really sympathize with you bc I met my ex when he was 22 and I was a little older than you are now. Men who are under the age of 25 barely know who they are. I hate to say it, but it's true. In fact, marriage statistics show that marrying a man under the age of 25 has a 75% chance of ending in divorce. But despite how young he is, it's what he's saying to you that concerns me. He basically told you that he's not ready for something serious right now, and you're not listening. He asked you to wait until May but you deserve better than that. You need to cut him off, and move on with your life. You have to go by what a man is doing in the present because when May comes, he may still be noncommittal. If a man says he's not ready, listen to him. That is your answer. If he were 21 and wanted to get serious, it would be a better situation, even though it is risky. Don't waste your time on a guy who says he's not ready for a relationship, no matter what his age.

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    5. Thank you everyone for your input! I did see him last night because I did send him a message saying I couldn't be friends at the moment because I couldn't just push my feelings aside and this and that. And then I felt guilt and selfish because here he was being completely honest with me and saying he wants to focus on school but still keep me in his life and I was saying give me what I want or I give you nothing. And that's horrible. So last night I went and talked and basically he said he has feelings for me, that hasn't changed but he needs to focus on this but he still wants me in his life. And I said I've never done friends like this and I don't really know how it goes and I fear that I will be waiting around for May and will end up getting hurt more. And he said he understood that. But he didn't know what to say, he doesn't know what will come by then. And then we just sat and laughed and before we knew it 2 hours blew by. It's hard because I don't want to entirely lose him but I don't know how to stop my feelings. Stupidly we joked around about sex tho and I said now I have to make an effort to find someone and he said well you know I'm attracted to you, I just don't want you to do anything that's going to hurt you, I'm pretty good with handling it myself. And after some joking we did hook up and I am ok with it because it was a needed release of stress and just an end to what we were in a sense. It's weird. He said afterward that if we were going to hang out he doesn't want it to be just sex or sex to be a big part of it. He wants to really talk and hang out and do things and continue to get to know me better. So my conclusion is: I am going to do me. I am going to focus on myself and get back to the gym. I will allow him to initiate talking and hanging out. I will see him with the band. And I will let be what will be. No more sleeping together or anything like that and let him focus on school and if I fit into the equation anywhere then good if not then I'll have been doing my own thing and be ok. Just sucks when you find someone who is just so compatible in every way. I have dated and hung out with a bunch of different guys and he possesses the best parts of all of them but what will be, will be I guess.

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    6. I should write a blog, and start with a post about self-respect. There seem to be a lot of misguided women on this site asking the same questions over and over again. When a guy says he's not ready for a relationship, the last thing you need to be doing is acting like a love sick puppy that's going to follow him around, and wait for him. Every woman deserves better than this, and should have enough self respect to walk away from this kind of situation. He still wants you in his life? How is offering nothing but a friendship or something casual AFTER you hooked up fair to you? This is a waste of time. Cut him off, learn how to love yourself, and find a guy who will give you what you deserve.

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  53. I've been dating this guy for 10 months now we meet on a dating site and had been seeing each other everyday since we met it all seemed meant to be he had two kids i have three we've gone on family trips kids get along. we he and I never have huge fights or discussions. everything seemed going really well talked about future together. he does have some what over bearing parents that live with him due to them caring for his kids while he works odd night shift. they the parents aren't find of me and not because of any reason other than his ex wife gave them a hard time cheating n being disrespectful but from what I've gathered their always giving him three guilt trip regarding the kids and they aren't neglected by any means
    anyway. for the last for weeks he has been more distant sure my first thought maybe another woman but I just know he wouldn't do that and he doesn't have the time he does work a lot so i was trying to give him some space but it was hard to not confront the situation and he said he trying you get stuff done at his house and work and spending time with the boys. this was just killing me I love him when we would talk he'd say her loves me and misses m me as well was it just a reflex typo say that to me? last week he was really good i thought things were back on track he was calling and coming by to see me spent the night on my day off now this week not much contact does answer his phone but i haven't seen him although one night fit coffee before work andstill saying he loves me and kiss but so distant compared to before i feel its not the same and i need to know well i brought up thre conversation because of vday i asked if we were still getting together and he said yes then proceeded to tell me that he has a uncle that is sick and his parents wanted him to drive them. anyway i asked what's going on with us do you not want to see me he says i didn't say that and he said i don't want to have this conversation tonight i said i need you to be honest and just tell me its killing me to wonder where we are at and he says idk sometimes i just want to be home and I've been working a lot and i fell bad if I'm not at my house andi feel bad to not see you and i know it hurts your feelings and i feel guilty either way and i get stressed so lets .gr friends just for now. I said o Donny want to be your friend i love you he says i love you to but i think that's best for now i don't have time and don't want you waiting got me n gretting upset and having your feelings hurt. I'm so confused did he ever or does hr love me is it salvageable??? I'm do sad.

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    1. Oh my God please use proper grammar and spelling, cannot read through this crap.

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  54. I definitely need your opinion Andrew. I started talking to this guy who is 10 yrs younger than me. He was totally into me, texting all the time and asking to see me. After 3 weeks, we went on a date. I slept with him that first night, which I know was stupid, but I'm 41 and did what I wanted to do. He kept in touch, and we talked everyday and had sex quite often. This lasted for 5 months. We talked about "us" at about the 2 month mark, and he said he liked me a lot, but felt I would hold him back from some of his dreams. He wants children badly and I can't have children any more. We pretty much only texted and I only heard his voice when we saw each other which was about once every 2 weeks. We had sex every time and he was a great snuggler. We would stay the entire night together and he always took me to breakfast next morning. There were a few times I asked him to come over and he gave me some excuse not to come over. Every time he asked me over, I jumped on the opportunity. Yea, I know, desperate and pathetic. But we never got to a bf/gf stage. After 5 months, I asked him a question cuz I started to realize he never really ever asked about my ambitions, goals or my life interests. I asked him.....do u know how many siblings I have. He said, u have 2 brothers. My heart sank. I have one sister and have even discussed with him how I haven't spoken to her in a yr. He has called me many times drunk,saying he misses me, doesn't know what to do with me cuz the kid situation and that it would bother him if he saw me with another guy. I guess a part of me thought a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. I reminded him of all that and he said he was drunk and didn't mean any of it. He said....who cares about the sibling situation. He doesn't need to know everything about me cuz we aren't dating. He also told me that during the 5 months, he has slept with 2 other girls and does talk to other girls. I feel like he led me on cuz he kissed me when he walked in door, took me out for my birthday and had an arrangement delivered to my office. Told me good morning and good night everyday. I haven't seen him in 2 months since our convo, and I haven't initiated one text. But he does text me. Not everyday, and its maybe 2 or 3 texts we exchange. Not all day like it use to be. Why still keep in touch with me?? Why saying that stuff and then saying it was drunk talk. In the beginning he considered dating me, but when he said it wouldn't go anywhere, he kept taking me out and having sex with me and still talking everyday. To me. That's not talking as friends with benefits. Whatcha think?? Was I just a vagina to him??I I had the flu 2 weeks ago and he offered to bring me soup. But since I haven't seen him in 2 months, nor has he asked to see me, I know whatever it was we had is over. Just don't know why he is keeping in touch with me. How can u talk to someone everyday, have sex often and not have any romantic feelings for them? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

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    1. Girl, are you kidding me? I don't know how to label that relationship, but apparently it doesn't makes you feel good about yourself. Of course men can talk to you everyday, have sex often, and not have any romantic feelings. I suppose you didn't date much when you were younger? I am not trying to be mean, but you sound very naive. :/

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    2. Yes you are a little old to be so clueless. You need to move on. You're getting attached to a man who does not see a future with you, and will find someone else he can have kids with, and eventually move on with. Do yourself a favor, and get with the program. I mean that in the nicest way, but you really need a wake up call.

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    3. I really feel for you because I'm in my late 30's with little life experience with dating (one partner for 20 years). He did just enough to keep you as his booty call. You teach people how to treat you. You get very attached to people so you can't be sleeping with guys straight away. Girls that can do that dont get attached. Next time you masturbate and slowly work your way to sex. You need to connect to him emotionally first. He will try and get sex and you will try and get a relationship and the guy that is worth it will compromise with you.
      I wish you well. Remember to value yourself. This guy doesn't have any feelings for you. Start valuing yourself sweetie. You deserve a good guy....my little secret is to go for the unpopular guy and flirt. Dont let him manipulate you into chasing him though or again he will not see you as relationship material.

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  55. My marriage ended 2 yrs ago. I'm 41 and have been with him since I was 19. So, if you say I'm naive. So be it. I need a wake up call. So be it. You are correct in that I have no idea what to do in the dating world and I'm clueless. My question was how can you have sex with someone for 5 months, talk everyday, do dinners, blah, blah and not care for them. All my guy friends say its bs, he's got to care for me but is letting me go cause of the situation. All I wanted was opinions. I'm 41 and new at this. Give me a break here.

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    1. I understand and am glad that you are waking up now. This guy doesn't care much about you. The things that he did are [borderline] common courtesy. If you think you deserve better, then you will move on. :)

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    2. You know the posters who responded were a little cold and detached in their response. It was only because of the way your original post was written. The people on here responding really do mean to help you but sometimes their responses come out a bit harsh.

      I understand you. I'm in the same boat in terns of naivety in the dating world.

      So you made a mistake but what doesn't kill you sweetie, makes you stronger. This guy is a user and he knows all the kind words and uses the right body language to suck you in. You want to believe he is good and dont want to believe you've been deceived. I understand. I am in the same boat except I didn't sleep with him. It was only when I finally came out and said I didn't want to sleep with him until I had a relationship that it ended. So use that line next time. Show men by your actions that you are worth more than a screw. By that I mean when a man speaks about sex, look at him with contempt, when a man tries to put his hand up your shirt while kissing, pull away. By doing this, a man will respect you. Unfortunately this will also attract the guy who's the player and loves the chase and a woman who gives him the most difficulty is worth more in value to him. I highly suggest you make a man wait 3-6 months for your cookie. Depending on what your gut is telling you. I promise you that women today are selling themselves short. It's a rare man who doesnt' have double standards and hypocrisy when it comes to women sleeping with men too soon. Standards baby gurl. Toughen up. Come join the rest of us who have been screwed over but have learned our lesson. There is nothing to be ashamed of...just live and learn (and teach your daughters and nieces)

      Thank you Andrew for loving us women so much and do what you do. You have saved many of us heartache and possibly even a life or two.

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  56. Im 41 met this guy 47 at singles dance...we went out a few times...i intiate contact via text..we have had this relationship since Aug 2012...i absolutelty love him....i tell him i love himand he always replys i love you too...5 months in his father got very sick and he asked me to visit his father becus this is my bsckground...i met his mom, sisters, and his s dad...his mom and dad loved me from the get go...his mom said to me that he is afraid of committment and she was suprised everything i knew about her son becus he doesnt open up to people and he had told me about his whole entire life...so after his dad got well...he decided he wanted to be just friends......but everytime i texted him he immediately responds to my text messages...he built a bond with my 13 yr old son.......and he would tell me he misses talking to my son...because after he said he just wanted to be friends i had to get my crap together before i can just be friends cus we talked everyday all day for 6 months....after the kbreak i told him i told him i missed im and he said even tho im an ass...i know he loves and cares about me....but its been 2+ months ive seen him but i do miss him...he tells me i deserve better than him...but he couldnt explain why...finally last week he explained to me that his exwife was emotionally abusive and he wasnt allowed to be around his older children, his mom, sisters and he is developing that relationship with his adult son...i love him what should i do...??

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  57. I didn't see this scenario covered in the comments, but it seems a bit different.

    Best friends of 8 years, solid friendship, helped each other through relationship woes, genuinely have a solid foundation of affection, respect, and friendship. We decide to try and date, but both agree that in the end, no matter what happens, the friendship is more important to us.

    We jump in too fast, and it doesn't work out after only a month. However, we dis physically interact, and have discovered an unknown insane level of physical chemistry, which must now be kept in check.

    We still absolutely, genuinely want to maintain and continue our friendship, and were hesitant to try this in the first place for fear of ruining it. I like to think we're both mature adults, it wasn't a long time, and it was more "this worked better as friends" scenario than a drama-bomb ending. Do you think there's any hope in this situation? Or are the crossed boundaries going to create some difficulties?

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  58. Dude you had me at "No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"

    Nuff Said.

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  59. This article was obviously written by either a 13 year-old boy or a very sad man.

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  60. I dated someone that was a year younger than me, and I feel like that was a very big mistake. He was also the opposite color of me (not that that matters). My point is is I tried something new for the first time with someone, and got very hurt. He's a year-round wrestler for our school wrestling team and ofcoourse I had to know that he was going to be busy with that, I understood that. Maybe not at first, but I did later. But I guess I got so confused because hes the one that was interested in me first and what not. Never in my life did I ever think I would go for someone that was not my color, but I did because I wanted to give it a chance, and we didn't even get to the "dating" phase, we were always in "talking" stage. It confused me though because he went to my bestfriend and asked for my number and she gave it to him and we got to know eachother and he's in my fourth period, and what not, and he always acted like he just wanted to talk to me outside of school only, and I'm sure that you or anyone would think oh well he just wants to get in your pants but he's far from that, he is NOTHING like that. He is one of the sweetest guys or kids whatever that I have ever spoken to. And unfortunately I was his first kiss and everything, but then things fell downhill because I still kept feeling like he just wanted to talk to me outside of school. He would ask me over the phone can I hold your hand at school, but never did it. It was just, awkward I guess..? Everytime I would try to talk about it or bring it up, it was an argument everytime. Then he said some hurtful things to me, like; Iv'e beentold too not to tlk to you like that or catch feelings for you and I asked why and he said, some said you were crazy and some said that everytime you talk to a guy all you want is a boyfriend. I'm thinking to myself this is soo not true. Then he called me indecisive and unstable. It just upset me soo badly because I may be alittle indecisive sometimes but especially with him because I didn't know what the hell he wanted or I don't even think he knew what he was doing. All my friends told me to just forget him and not talk to him like that or at all. And well I'm not going to lie on here, I did the whole "can we stil be friends". But deep down I turely believe that that won't ever happen, because we just fought so much and there would be no point in even us talking. There were strong feelings there, sorta, but I guess I feel like whatever he got told by "people" ( and I have quotes around that because no one would say that about me) made him change his mind about everything. And if that's the case then that's just wrong, but I just wanna know what to do.

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  61. "Love is something to find... even harder to find with the wrong person."

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  62. I have this issue well I met this Saudi guy about four months ago.As we met he straight forward told me that he wanted to get to know me as for a serious relationship and well I was on my doubts of being ready for a relationship.Well we met up after meeting each other at the club and we saw each other id say oftened.We texted alot and talked on the phone somewhat .Well I would always be sort of rude to him and within a month I told him that I needed to slow this down it felt like we were in a rush so I wanted to be friends,and not feel like we were on a mission to become bf/gf.We eventually continued talking and seeing each other and well we finally kissed after the fith time of meeting up.He went with me to a mexican club and danced the music seemed like he was the one super gentalmen.Well that same weekened that we went out he said that we needed a brake blah blah Sunday night.Then at 3am he sent me a email saying he regreted what he said and wanted to continue talking to me.One day he got mad at me again for being rude and cold and never said thank you,and so he called it quits again.Well we saw each other one more time after that happened and said that it was over he didnt want to be friends not nothing.We argued and well few days passed and we begin talking again. 3 weeks passed from that incident and we saw each other again we hugged and I felt that he missed me too.Im confused though because he gets mad if I tell him i hung out with a guy,but then he says that we are only friends. We were sexually intamate within 3month of knowing each other.I like him. But he has also offended me such as saying I dont have a nice body,he supposibly says that dont take it seriously thats how friends get along. Whats crazy is that I didnt think I could like him at the begingin and looks like im the one who fell hard for him.Im confused because he still calls me sends me text messages (such as hey,what up).One day he even said that he missed me so much and loved me and he wanted me to move in with him.

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  63. I wish I had read this a while a ago. You said what it took me 4 months of intense heartache to realize. Well played, sir.

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  64. Andrew- I broke up with my ex over five months ago although I did love him very much and still do. We are both 46 he has never been married and no children, as for me I'm thirteen years divorced with teenagers. I choose to break it off because I felt overwhelmed, he had lots of financial issues, still lived at home with his mom, couldn't stand his job, complained about his job, and the lack of pay that he was making. We only fought when it came to money, or when I tried encouraging him to look for other work. It hurt to break it off it really did but I felt that all the talks we shared in the beginning were just a bunch of lies. He had a seven year relationship with his last GF but apparently ended by her because he lack of motivation, job changes and possibility scared of commitment. Now my Q. is I know that I broke it off with him but it doesn't mean that I hate him or don't want to talk with him but he is ignoring me? From the start I was real upfront and told him that I didn't want a boyfriend and that I was looking for a Husband. We very rarely were intimate and not by my choice, in fact I had to practically beg for it. I'm very independent take care of myself and strive to improve my life with every change that I get. He claimed that he never kept in touch with ex's in the past so being friends was strange. Do I just except that he doesn't want anything to do with me. We actually ran into each other driving to work the other day as I pulled behind him twice at the stop sign he acted like he didn't even notice it was me......Im truly sad by his actions.

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  65. What if you were friends before and share the same group of friends?

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  66. Andrew, I really need help ASAP or anyone who can help me out would be appreciated. I dated a guy who I was in a serious relationship for 7 months..we were perfectly fine in the beginning and very happy. We would be at univ all day together and it never bothered him, it was like he couldn't get enough of me and likewise. He introduced me to his friends which in the beginning was fine but then one day like after a month or two of being together his ex threw a tantrum and I had no idea she was his ex until that day. He hid it from me, im not sure why...possibly like you said andrew that he thought we would become best of friends lol. As a side note my ex has a habit of being 'just friends' with his exes...I don't know how his relationship was with his other exes but this particular ex who threw a tantrum was a little too close to him. They never had their healing time because they supposedly remained friends for whatever reason, and also cuz they didn't want to split their group of friends if they broke up. So as time went by this ex became VERY jealous of me and she even told him that she hates me. I ignored it for a while, even when we would bump into her or hang out with his friends. With time she convinced his other friends who were fine with me that I hated her so they started disliking me. Eventually they started talking shit about me to him all the time and complaining that he never hangs out with them cuz of me. He 'tried' to balance his friends out and me but it was a bad idea together. Me and him fought many times over his ex because she had bad intentions. She told someone we both know that no matter what she would try to get him back and that even if he has moved on, she would still love him. Its like she can't see him move on with anyone else but he doesnt understand why exes cannot be friends because for him its how he does it and it seemed to have worked with the rest of the girls. I ignored his ex gf's ways of trying to be close to him, msging him all the time, txting, him. I kept trying to reason with him to keep a distance from his ex but he kept thinking its just me that hates her cuz he couldn't see what she was trying to do to ruin our relationship. she didn't respect it at all but he just would not agree to keep a distance from her or set boundaries. Eventually he asked for a break for a year. Idk about u guys but that didn't make sense to me at all and he gave me no reasons for the break. I asked him to break up and he didn't break up either. Then wen i did see him after a few weeks i found a scandalous pic of theirs in his phone. He said she asked him to come over the night few times but supposedly he said no. I confronted him about the pic but he didn't give me any reasons for it and made a lame excuse. The only thing he said to me recently was that he chose 'some friendship' (aka his ex i assume)'. He still talks to his friends and hangs out with his ex and talks to her. I guess she accomplished what she wanted. sigh. Its been 2 months and me and him have met once or twice and spoken maybe 4 times. We don't talk or meet but he lives near by and i keep bumping into him. Its really hard for me to cut him off because something or another comes up. he doesnt bother msging or calling me but he won't break up either or tell me whats going on between us. Last time we spoke he said lets be friends while we're on the break (for a year) and I said no that doesn't make sense and I am not okay with that. Hes left me hanging for the last 2 months. I'm really confused at this point and i keep going through a mix of emotions about him. I get tempted to talk to him or just hang on to him which is why i haven't taken the step to break it off myself.I will be moving to a different country in a few months hopefully and hoping that would make it easier to cut ties with him all together but i dont know if its better to do it now. What should I do?

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  67. Hi. Andrew...

    I meet a man on the Internet. Match made in heaven. He asks me out then chickens out (his words) in an SMS 10 seconds later. Finally, he asks me out again two days later and we meet, hit it off, love being together... it's all there. One thing leads to another and we have sex (without intercourse because neither had brought condoms!), despite his telling me that it's hard for him to get motivated with just any woman because he needs a certain degree of emotional intimacy first. I understand this perfectly because I am the same way. It was all just an unexpected surprise and, proof in point, neither of us had gone on the date expecting anything to happen at least the first time around.

    We continue to correspond via e-mail. Everything is fun, kind, honest and exciting. Despite trying to avoid it, one night we started telling each other via e-mail how lovely our night together had been. He describes in full, romantic detail what he would do if I were there with him.. Nothing raunchy... all "look into your eyes, undress you slowly.... go down on you because I love your smell and your taste... you are so beautiful... I am mad about your body, your legs... your shoulders... how your body fit so perfectly into mine... Beautiful stuff" We convene that, given the amazing chemistry between us on all levels, ours is undeniably "unfinished business" that should be finished.

    We both travel a great deal, so two months pass before we convene on a second date time and place. He asks me out, gets a hotel room, and we meet. We are having dinner, walking through the city, telling jokes... we even swing on a swingset in the park at midnight... When we get into bed, he asks me if I woudn't mind if we didn´t have sex because he likes me as a friend.

    It was truly a WTF moment, but I say that I understand. He proceeds to spoon me, fingers laced with mine, all night. Breaskfast, more laughs, goodbye.

    I decide that this man is confused but at least honest in his confusion. In any case, I refrain from writing to him for a couple of weeks. I'm laying low and moving on. He sends me a book in the mail (PO Box!), I email to thank him. He writes back that my email sounds like goodbye... Why?

    I answer, quite poetically I guess, that goodbyes don't exist. Maybe we will see each other some day again and it was lovely. Another month goes by and he suddenly emails to ask if I am still alive and how am I. I answer back that I am fine, just busy, take care...

    Two days ago, a month after the last email, he writes to me again from his vacation spot. Are you still alive? I hope so! Huge kisses from (his vacation spot).

    Damn. I took the hint when he friendzoned me, why won't he? The worst part is, I was over the whole thing and now he has moved it all inside me. What is up with this guy? Narcissist? Egomaniac? Madman?

    I will enjoy reading whatever you can make of this saga, Andrew. I made it as short as possible!

    Regards :)

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    1. I will never guess what he is thinking. If he likes me, then come to chasing me. Otherwise I will start see somebody else, ignore him.

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  68. Im not sure where your getting your numbers from but I know plenty fo guys that def want to keep being friends after a separation. Im pretty sure this is not a gender thing, but an individual thing. Sorry

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  69. I've been seriously dating a girl for 6 months, we live together and have discussed marriage and long term plans. We both are incredibly happy. Even though we are in our 30's, i'm the first "boyfriend" she's ever had. She decided years ago to just have friends with benefits and no serious relationships. She obviously isn't still sleeping with other people, but one guy who was her favorite "friend with benefits" over the past 10 years is still in contact with her regularly. He actually got her pregnant a couple years ago and they aborted. They text and talk on the phone quite a bit, I was ok with that. The problem is now this guy is in town with his daughter (they live in another state), they are here to see my girlfriend and hang out with her all week. I made my feelings clear from the beginning, i am not comfortable with her going out with her ex FWB for drinks etc.. but i can't tell her who to be friends with. Last night was the first night, they all went out (i was busy), when i got home the two of them were in my office on the couch laughing it up. Tonight they were all going to do dinner and a movie, but i'm joining them just to make an effort to be a nice guy. It's making me sick to my stomach, and we have been sleeping in separate beds so far this week. Her friends all tell me to stop being such a baby, my friends are all saying i need to draw a line and make her choose - him or me.

    I really love her, and i know she loves me. I trust her, but it's killing me that she can't see how much it hurts me to have her ex FWB hanging around flirting all week long. I KNOW if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't allow me to even see an ex GF.. let alone have her in our home - alone.

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    1. I see your post is a few months old, but I'll just say that my husband is the kind to maintain close relationships with old flames and I just give them their space to reminisce and appreciate that -for whatever reason- it makes him feel happier to keep contact. When the girl who was the first love of his life came to visit for the weekend (yes, staying at our home) - I just got out of town. I don't need to pretend to be her friend. But I can give him room to have a connection with someone other than me, and not be threatened. Not because I'm a fool, but because I would never be with someone who I believed did not have great character and judgment. If she affected him in a strong way still, I don't think they'd still be friends. I have no idea if they were laughing it up on the couch - because I just got the hell out of there to avoid any un-needed pain for myself when they're just friends and he's committed to me.

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    2. He's now my ex-husband, but not for reasons related to this.

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  70. My situation is y bit different. I am seeing a man in his 40´s for about 5 years, I am 2 years older. We developed very close relationship over the years although we live far away and meet occasionally. Sex is fantastic, but more importantly, we have great connection through our sporting hobbies and share a lot of discreet personal and professional information. I am separated for 6 years now and he just decided to divorce his wife of 7 years 3 months ago, stating that he does not want to stay in that marriage and have done it for years out of guilt, there are no children. I am not sure now how to react to all of this as in principle I was viewing this as friends with benefits relationship because he was married (even though not happily as known by all our friends). I am not sure if I should keep seeing him now, or just fade away and stop responding to his messages. Any thoughts?

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  71. Andrew, congratulations on another fantastic post.

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  72. That's interesting, Andrew. Does this apply to men whom I saw a few times and did not sleep with, but did make out with once? Especially in a situation where I told him I didn't want to go further (no sex) and he agreed? He did not contact me about this, until he ran into me again and I proposed friendship and agreed to it and following the run in, he texted, "yes, we must stay friends?"

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  73. After an(other) 8-year relationship with a man who left me twice, and then a third and final time just recently. I did everything for him - gifts, concerts, bill-balancing, shopping - as I thought it would entice his loyalty (it didn't), and he was quite submissive. After all those years he didn't have a needy bone left in his body... except ONE. And that, my other lady friends, is why being a lover's caretaker is wrong, because as much as you mother him is as much as YOU will no longer want to sex him up, and the less like a man HE will feel. No sex will become the routine for you, but it is eating away at your man and your relationship. This reply just made me think of my own lost love, and I felt I had to share. Thanks :)

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    1. Oops, realized that my reply is not connected to the comment I was reading... ah well, enjoy the story. :)

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  74. What about if you and him were good friends and it was a mutual break-off?

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  75. Ive had 6 boyfriends and all but 1 of them clung to their ex gf's to use as an ego boost even when they were dating someone pretty seriously...yet none of my female friends do that. I dont have any female friends that do anything beyond being civil to their exes.

    Yeah, guys cling to females theyve dated in the past too bud...Men do it more for sex in case their current relationship doesnt work out or to maintain their ego

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  76. Hi, I understand the importance of cutting him off completely, for everyone's best interest (my own future, and for his future with his current g/f or whatever). What about common friends that we have?

    We used to hang out together, him and I, and 'our' friends. What is becoming increasingly hard is being around/talking to common friends, and occasionally, his name pops up. The tricky part is they are his colleagues.

    I am at a loss. For my own interest, do I have to remove common friends from my life as well?

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  77. Hi Andrew, I would love your advice.

    My ex and I had a great relationship, but I was dealing with some personal issues that made a relationship difficult. As we were breaking up he said he has very deep care and feelings for me and doesn't want me out of his life. We hung out casually and he was mildly flirty - but mostly friendly. I told him I couldn't hang out if he was going to be flirty - it crossed a line and hurt so we cut contact. He said how sad he was over my decision, and hoped I would eventually change my mind. He has always been very kind to me. Over time we began texting again -casual and friendly- nothing exciting. He has done nothing to show signs of interest beyond the same level of friendship as before. I've put a lot of time and effort into resolving my prior issues and would love to date him again (but can happily accept his friendship as well at this point, and I am happy being single). I recently found he has started dating an old friend who he dated in the past. He told me it isn't serious, but he "really enjoys her company." Honestly, I hurt him, unintentionally, through my troubles in our relationship and would rather see him with this other woman if she makes him happy....So, here's my question. We are going to a concert together in a few days and I am not sure how to best approach our short time together. I will just relax and be myself, but I don't want to appear too available (after all- he's getting some action at home so he's not going to be looking for anything). But I do want to maximize any potential for at least planting a seed of interest while I am with him. I'm guessing I should just relax, don't talk too much, laugh at his jokes, and look good. Is that right? I would love some help here.

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    1. I just want to add that my x has never made sexual moves of any type since our split - so I believe he is genuinely only interested in my general well-being and being friendly (for nostalgia's sake?) vs keeping me as a booty back up plan. (A male friend of mine called him Emo - whatever that means). Would you say this overly-platonic behavior on his part is a clear sign I should ditch any thoughts of rekindling? Do men compartmentalize like that? He mentioned once he felt he needed to protect himself from me -because I have such a strong effect on his feelings. Thank you!

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  78. Hello Andrew, greetings from Greece! I really need your help on this one. I had a relationship for 13 months. Whille on the relationship, my boyfriend (now 33 and I am 32) stated that he would like to have a familly with me at some point. Still he broke up with me due to the fact that we were fighting a lot. The reason we fought is that I could sense that he wasn't willing to commit and that he didn't trully loved me. Anyway after the break-up, which by the way was the best thing that ever happened to me in terms of me becoming better, I put the blame on me. After 8 months, he came back and told me that the main reason he ran away was that he freaked out with the whole commitment issue. I told him that I still wanted a familly and that he should be aware of that if he wanted to get back together. He told me he was serious about me and so got back together again. The first two months were great. Until he conquered me again. Then, he started to change again! He would treat me bad sometimes, and put himself first. I wouldn't react because I didn't want to do the same mistakes like fighting and shouting. Till one day, after 7 months of being together, he went to his town to see his familly. His familly, who do love me, told him that he should clear things out with me. That is to make up his mind on whether he wants to settle down. And he freaked out! He told me he was confused and that he didn't know what it is he wants in life and from us. I told him that this is something he must seriously think before deciding in a day. He said he loved me but is afraid that later he may lose interest and fall for another woman, plus he wasn't feeling ready to commit. And so we called it off. The thing is that this time he insisted on us keeping contact (he used to say that when you break up, you just let go of the past). I told him that it is over and that keeping contact will not happen. Almost 40 days after our breakup, he text me on my name day. He told me he wanted to call me for days but he was hesitating and asked if he could call. I texted him back thanking him for his wishes and wishing him the best. He did call me though. He started talking bout stuff I didn't care about and then told me that he wanted to call me all this time. I told him that I didn't want to sound mean but I don't care if we talk or not and that I didn't feel the need to contact him. I also told him that if he ever felt the need or have a problem he could call me. He kind of lost it and then aked me what my familly said about our breakup. I told him that we all love him and we know that he is a good person, but since I was ok and calm after the breakup my familly didn't make any comments. He then insisted once more on having contact, saying that he doesn't ask something from me, nor a daily contact, just once per 4 months! And reminded me of the contact I had with a past relationship (we dated when I was 20, we broke up 8 years ago and have rare friendly contact). There I told him that with Michael I was together for 3 years, and had a good time, while with him I didn't have a good time. He got upset and I told him again I wasn't trying to sound mean, I thanked him for remembering on my name day and wished him luck with his life! I have a strong feeling I will hear from him again. And to be honest, I felt sad talking to him this way even though I know it was the right thing to do...

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  79. I disagree with this post. I don't want to appear naive but I broke up with 2 or 3 guys and we are now good friends. For me we are just friends point blank and nothing else. We respect each other and have good time when we do meet. I often have compliments but I mean nothing damaging for their girlfriends. I think there are a lot of exceptions. We can't just cut everybody from our life like that above all if the person is nice.

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  80. everything depends upon the situation. But, in general, ex lovers cannot be friends because it will always create conflict with your present relationship. it's hypocrisy to say you are friends when you had past desires for each other. if you have kids, then, it's different story but, if you don't have anything to hold on to, better to be in good terms but, not have a regular meeting or conversation to avoid infidelity at all....

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  81. I have helped my male friend for the last year through his depression, health issues, job loss etc. He told me his dream of how he'd propose, asked me to wait for him to resolve issues in his life, recently told me his is interested in me, needs time to work things out. A few months ago he was angry with me and cut me out of his life for a week, said he will never marry me ever. Our friendship was a dating relationship at one point and we have talked everyday for 1 year now He calls me 2-3 times a day. He tells others he never plans to marry me, yet he needs to talk to me 2-3 times a day, get my help, he constantly sends mixed messages and yet he will also say we are just friends and won't be more... Confused. I want more. Should I cut him off? I believe he feels much more than he wants to admit. I am working on recreating attraction etc. I don't know how to cut him off completly. We've known each other most of our lives. We hug and hold hands, nothing more. He told me he wouldn't talk about his dates with me in detail. He tells me he loves me very much and I feel he just needs time and to see me in a different light. Any suggestions?

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  82. I dated a guy a few years back, and after we broke up I said I would like to ultimately be friends with him. We both took some space for a few months, but when he felt ready, he got in touch and said he would like to try being friends now that he'd had time to get over the break up. To this day we still casually hang out and chat regularly, in a completely platonic way. We've both moved on and have dated other people, and occasionally give advice and support to one another about relationships, because we understand each others' issues.
    On the other hand, there was a guy who I had (maybe still have) strong feelings for that wanted to be friends, but strung me along and got jealous when I saw other guys, despite the fact that he had a girlfriend. I tried staying friends with him, and it was horrible: it was upsetting and damaging to other relationships. Recently I decided enough was enough and stopped talking to him. It's strange because of how close we were as"friends" for so long, but it's definitely healthier.
    Obviously, where there are lingering feelings, it would be hard/a very bad idea to remain friends, but where both parties have moved on, there's no reason why you can't be friends if you still have similar interests.
    So basically, I agree with what you're saying, to an extent, but there are definitely situations where two people can remain, or become, friends after a break up. It depends entirely on the situation, and the feelings of those involved. I'm roughly a 50:50 split between staying friends and cutting them off completely, but often the friendship has come after a period of silence.

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  83. Hi Andrew,

    I met a guy through a friend and we instantly connected went on our first date that same night he had come out of a relationship earlier and had said he was just enjoying being single but hes open to something serious.

    Long story short, we went on one and a half dates, he invited me over, I was drunk from girls night and we almost had sex. I texted him next day saying that I had just stopped by to say hi and I felt like he was not interested in any more convo for that night since no sex was running so just forget this. He msged me back saying hes sorry I felt that way. I msged sorry again.

    I've reached out back to him he responded saying hi back but has not spoke to me since, what to do?

    We really had a connection (mentally ie:same likes same thoughts) and physically.

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  84. I have been with my bf for 7 yrs. All was going good then I got a uti & he got kidney stones a month ago. Now we have become sex-less & he doesn't seem attracted to me at all. It is as if we are just friends now. And No I will not be just friends. He says he loves me but that nagging feeling that its over remains. I've tried to communicate to get things back on track but all I get from him is b.s. Andrew please advise at your earliest convenience. Thank you.

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  85. This article is completely in line with the way I have dealt with past relationships, but my most recent break-up made me wonder if it is at all possible to become platonic friends in the future. The break-up was mutual, but it's clear that we still have feelings for each other and the sexual tension remains. He really wants to stay friends, and still initiates contact everyday since our split 2 weeks ago. He didn't keep past exes as friends, but was successful in becoming platonic friends with a woman he casually hooked-up with a year ago - an arrangement that quickly ended due to a "lack of chemistry" on his part. (Might be relevant - but that hookup happened shortly after he broke off the engagement with his fiancee)... His rationale for "staying friends" is that he feels like those who have dated should have the potential to become close friends, if a simple hook-up can become one. Bottom line is - is it at all possible that his desire for friendship is genuine? [....a follow-up question is - regardless of the possibility of future friendship - I need and want a period of silence, but don't want to make a big dramatic deal about "cutting him off". What would be the best approach?] I would greatly appreciate your insights on this issue!

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    1. @Anon - Sounds like he’s using you. Is there some benefit he’s gotten from you that he’s still getting by being friends? Why don’t you just tell him you don’t want contact with him anymore or that you need a break? If he's truly being your friend he will understand that. Sounds like you’re doing a lot of rationalizing. It’s also unnatural/unhealthy for dudes to contact you every day. He’s either emotionally unstable/unhealthy, or you are.

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  86. "I am on the fence about our relationship, but I am too much of a pussy to break up with you completely, even though I know nothing productive or emotionally healthy can come from staying in touch."

    This?

    Article content is probably true most of the time, but still over-generalised. I'm a man; now 5 years into a great friendship with an ex who dumped me. We meet on average once in a month or two, and she has become an endless source of relationship advice and timely wake-up calls.

    I note the overtones that men who either don't break off ties completely or want to stay friends with girls who dump them are pussies. I won't dignify that sentiment with a defence; suffice to say that it would have been double the pain to lose a close friend as well as a lover, which is why we BOTH knew we had to stay in touch.

    My message to all girls who are thinking of staying friends with an ex is this: consider your unique history and circumstances with him carefully, and don't rule out the possibility out-of-hand.

    Factors in my relationship that eased the transition:
    1. We were best friends before we became lovers - it helped to remember how it was like before we went steady, and just revert to that mentality.
    2. We were emotionally and physically intimate but never had any type of sex, for religious reasons.
    3. We had a very long, drawn out drift apart that ended in the formal break-up - there was no sudden heartbreak or blame game.
    4. Our relationship failed because we started very young, when we didn't know what our priorities in life were, and as we matured realised we weren't that compatible after all. This is why any "hurt" over being "replaced" was easy to get over - we knew we were both better off with other people.

    The one issue that's perhaps beyond your control would be the feelings of future partners. I just attended my ex's wedding last Dec. Her husband had always known we were still close, and even though i don't know his inner thoughts, he's never gotten in the way of our friendship. I don't expect my girlfriends to be jealous of her either, because to me, blind jealousy reflects a lack of trust and maturity, and if you can't even accept my 5-year-old re-friendship with a high school sweetheart, maybe you aren't that suitable for me after all.

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  87. Hi Andrew, I have a question for you. I've been dating my current boyfriend for about a year now who I know absolutely adores me. However, he is still really good friends with his ex who he dated for 2 years and then she cheated on him. She is now dating an older man. Am I nuts to be bothered by this?

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  88. This might be controversial, but personally I feel like it doesn't work for men and women to be just friends at all, whether they are exes or not. (This is with the exception of one person being gay or the people being family members, of course.) Women often enjoy being just friends with a man, but men rarely ever feel the same. A woman can be friends with a guy for years thinking he really likes and cares about her as a person only to find out that he was just waiting for an opportunity to get in her pants the whole time, and he actually hates her and badmouths her for not giving him what he wants. This is why I will no longer have male friends beyond casual friendly acquaintances. Most men don't want to listen to, respect, or understand women. Why would I want that as a friend anyway when I could have a female friend who cares about me as much as I care about her? And why would a guy want to be friends with me, someone who doesn't like sports or video games, when he could have a male friend who shares his interests?
    Ideally, a man and a woman in relationship should be friends too, in the sense that they have some things they enjoy doing together outside of the bedroom and can enjoy discussing current events. But I still strongly believe that they both need friends of their own gender.

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  89. I find myself in a similiar situation to all of you.

    I met this guy I hit it off at, at my old job. We built this amazing friendship over the last 1.5 years I was there. He, at the time, was in a long-term (voiceably unhappy) 7-year relationship. I also had a boyfriend at the time. Throughout, he had wrote me and told me that he may be developing feelings for me, but found himself in an incredibly difficult situation. Toward the end, right before my departure, he spilled the beans that he liked me so much, felt like he was losing his best friend and, on his own, decided he would end his long-term relationship to see where things went with me.

    I knew it was too good to be true... jumping from the 7-year relationship to me... was a fail. :(

    It started off fine, he came full force, then.. his insecurities came in. His ex had cheated on him, and soon after being with me he had convinced himself I was cheating on him also. I was a bit shocked, but gave him the reassurance I felt he needed, and did everything he asked along the way. I let him choose the speed at which we took it, as I was unsure if he would need time to heal. Despite asking him if he did, he reassured me he did not.

    A month or maybe a bit longer in, he really started to pull away. It broke my heart. I feel as though this was a result of not being over his ex and having some confusing feelings happening in him. And his insecurities. We finally ended up breaking up 2.5 months into it. I feel like I lost my best friend, ruined a friendship over this. I feel like it could have been awesome had his heart been ready to give and accept love. He texted me last night and stated he wants to be friends. I am giving him the NC as of now because I have hope somewhere in my heart something can work out between us. We mutually broke up, but he is the type that doesn't want to be the "bad guy," so I felt like he just kept pushing until I finally did it. :(

    Is there hope?

    -Devistated.

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