You can contact me for advice by e-mailing me (Andrew) at therulesrevisited@gmail.com.
I have been getting more and more e-mails for advice recently, and it can be very time consuming to read and reply to them. In order to help me answer you quickly, please follow these guidelines:
Thanks,
Andrew
I have been getting more and more e-mails for advice recently, and it can be very time consuming to read and reply to them. In order to help me answer you quickly, please follow these guidelines:
- Keep e-mails under 500 words. I appreciate that some situations are complicated, but start by giving me just the basis and I will ask you for more details if I need them. You can use Microsoft Word to get a word count (look under the "Review" tab).
- Tell me your ages and cultural backgrounds. This helps me understand and interpret the situation. If either or both of you are seriously religious (i.e. enough to affect the way you approach the relationship), indicate this as well.
- End your e-mails with specific questions, rather than just asking "what do you think?" or embedding numerous questions throughout the e-mail. For example, you might end by asking, "Do you think he is interested in more than sex?" or "Should I cut him off now or give him one more chance?"
- Use paragraphs, punctuation and a spell-checker. You don't need to craft a literary masterpiece, but if your e-mail consists of one stream-of-consciousness, 500-word paragraph full of run-on sentences, misspellings and typos, I will either ignore it or send them back to you with a link to this page. (If English isn't your first language, try your best; I will work with you.)
- Tell me what you want to happen. This is critical. Do you want a relationship? to get him back? closure? marriage? sex? I can't tell you what to do unless you tell me what you want from him.
- Tell me if you are willing to let me post your question and my answer. If you don't specify, I will assume that I have your permission to post the e-mail after changing the identifying details.
Thanks,
Andrew
What are the rules for females in matching underwear to nails, eyeshadow, eyerings, etc. What were the old rules, the new rules, etc? Thanks.
ReplyDeleteMatch your underwear. No idea about the rest...
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteI just love your blog. Why would any woman read Cosmo when your advice is so much more insightful?
Question:
I work in an office of about 35 people. I am extremely attracted to my superior. He is 27 and I am 23. I have been happily married for two years and my boss has a girlfriend. My question is whether or not you think that flirting with this guy is permissible. We've had sexual tension since I started work at this office a year ago. I notice that whenever we sit in group settings he will face me and stare my way until I catch him. He also walks around the office like the Alpha Male, but when we stop to have a conversation he suddenly becomes fidgety and stumbles over his words.
Is office flirting natural, even between two happily taken individuals? Where do you draw the line? Can I enjoy feeling desirable without sacrificing my commitment to my husband? Keep in mind that my position in this job is not one that will advance much further, nor do I have any ambitions to climb the corporate ladder in this context. I guess you could say that flirting compensates for the boredom in my 8-5 routine.
Sorry if this comment was lengthy and my narrative somewhat unnecessary.
L
You are asking a "moral" question of sorts, which you need to answer for yourself., but I will say this: if your husband was engaging in that kind of flirting with a woman in his office, would you mind?
DeleteThank you.
Delete"Is office flirting natural, even between two happily taken individuals? Where do you draw the line? Can I enjoy feeling desirable without sacrificing my commitment to my husband? Keep in mind that my position in this job is not one that will advance much further, nor do I have any ambitions to climb the corporate ladder in this context. I guess you could say that flirting compensates for the boredom in my 8-5 routine."
DeleteI know you're question was directed towards Andrew, but isn't it enough to feel desired by your husband? You know, the man who committed to you for the rest of his life? I personally see flirting as a form of emotional infidelity, and while it may be common for "happily taken individuals" to feel attraction towards people who aren't their partner, I do NOT think it's natural or appropriate to act on it. Flirting is a slippery slope, ( and even more so with your BOSS and, even MUCH MORE so with a man ALREADY TAKEN) and if you're not careful one thing can devastatingly lead to another with the potential to destroy solid, happy relationships and tear families apart. Is your need to be desired or curb your "boredom during your 8-5 work day" really worth risking and sacrificing something so sacred and precious? You say you're happily married, but if you need to feel desired by another man who by the way HAS a GIRLFRIEND and is YOUR BOSS, then could it be you're perhaps lacking some of what you need from your husband? If so, why not address that with your husband, instead of trying to get that validation from inappropriate sources. Also, if you're bored at work, it could be that you're in a position that is not the right fit for you. If that's the case, why not just look for something that would engage and interest you more so that you won't be tempted to curb that boredom by inappropriate and potentially harmful ways? I'm really not trying to be judgmental, but so many people think that there's wrong with a "little innocent flirting" without realizing how harmful it can be. Andrew asked you a very poignant question about how you would feel "if your husband was engaging in that kind of flirting with a woman in his office, would you mind?" I'm guessing you would mind, and if the boss's girlfriend found out about it, you can sure as hell be sure that she would damn well mind a whole lot too! So please, do what can you can to curb this infatuation, crush, "sexual tension" or whatever you want to call it. It will most likely pass, and you don't want to do anything that would hurt or embarrass your husband, yourself, or anyone else involved. Not to mention possibly put you at risk for water cooler gossip and risk your reputation and job. Your boss should know better and he's not innocent either, but you can minimize his unprofessional behavior by not doing anything to encourage it.
Hi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog today & had a very interesting read! OK, now looking for some advice for me please! Just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 mths. He is a year separated from a 22 yr marriage with 3 teenage kids - his wife cheated on him. He pursued me, we took things slow at first. We had alot of things in common & got on really well together. He had started introducing me to his friends, had spoken a little about things we might do together in the next few months. He is 10 yrs older than me, I am divorced with a teenage daughter. We met up a few times a week, when we found time & always enjoyed each others company & texted most days. Well, 2 months into the relationship, he wanted some space, wasn't sure what he wanted (red flag!!) we talked it through & continued the relationship. Well, 2 weeks ago after him not texting me for a few days, I asked to meet up with him and asked whats going on. He said he couldn't commit to a relationship now, wasn't ready, didn't really know what he wants. Wanted to remain friends with me & probably will never meet anyone as good as me again!!!??? I accepted the break up and wished him well. He has since contacted me wanting us to meet up for lunch as friends or go hiking together. So, I gave in and said ok to the hike. Which I now regret as it was too awkward. He was quite touchy/feely with me & I know that I wan't yet over him emotionally. I text him that evening to say I couldn't be friends with him and he text back that he really wants us to continue our friendship & will contact me again in 2 weeks to see if I have changed my mind. I won't! I know there are alot of red flags & obviously he is not ready for a relationship - too soon! But my question is - down the line, if we were to cut all contact, would there be any hope of us getting back together when he sorts out what he wants, is ready for a relationship? I just find it so hard to let go as we really loved each others company & had alot of similar interests. I will go on with my life & if I meet someone else - great! but wonder will he ever regret/miss what we had? I suppose at the moment it is all so fresh in my mind, am hurting alot & just trying to process it as the break up seemed to come out of the blue! Sorry about the length of this & my rambling, just want some input from anyone out there! Thanks!
There is a chance, yes, but you'll increase the chances of that happening by keeping as much distance/silence between you as possible. The more completely you cut him off, the more likely he is going to notice what he is missing and think about wanting it back.
DeleteThank you for that advice Andrew!
Deletebeen dating my boyfriend (white male, 30) for 11 months and 2 weeks, for 8 weeks he has bcome distant, avoided me at all cost, no sex, a complete breakdown in communication. when asked quesitons he says i am making up stories. today i have made it easier for him, i have broken up with him and this is what i said: "I have thought this through and made up my mind. i just cant carry on like this, you not a bad person u maybe just someone that does not know how to tell people the truth when its over. with all my heart i wish u luck and prosperity. in order for me to move on i need to cut all interactions/communication with you. Good luck" after an hour he text me saying that i does not need to be like that! Now i am heart broken as hell, i have cried for 46 hours straight, my gut feel says he is seeing someone else, he just cant admit it.... what do i say, do.....
ReplyDeleteStick to your guns.
Delete"There is a chance, yes, but you'll increase the chances of that happening by keeping as much distance/silence between you as possible. The more completely you cut him off, the more likely he is going to notice what he is missing and think about wanting it back."
ReplyDeleteIn that condition Andrew, how if men meet other women when making the distance / silence ?
Hi Andrew
ReplyDeleteI rejected an alpha male in a way that badly injured his pride. He cut things off with me. The problem is that one of his best mates broke the "bros before hoes" rule and went for me after ensuring that nothing was going on between me and the first guy. The first guy minds, a lot, and there have already been quite a few incidents in their group of guy friends, some that have involved me. The main thing seems to be that his best mate went for a girl he was interested in and I rejected him but I seem to be giving the second guy more of a chance. Thanks to one of the incidents, all his friends have probably guessed that the first guy was previously interested in me. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like whether or not I get together with the second guy, it will be difficult not to cross paths with that group of guys. Is there a way for me to make peace with the first guy? Should I even try?
Thanks!
EJ
Hi Andrew - I forgot to say that I found your blog a very interesting read, there's a definite gap in the information on the web and you've filled it. Thanks a lot for your time in providing all these information!
ReplyDeleteEJ
Andrew- What is your opinion on sexual banter via text? No outright "this is what I'm gonna do to you" but playful comments with sexual undertone. When do you see this as appropriate? Before having sex for the first time? Only after sleeping together several times? Only in a relationship?
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Only after you've decided that you are going to sleep with him in the immediate future (next few days). I've suggested elsewhere that this should only happen after he's made a commitment to you.
DeleteHey there! I just want some insight from you...
ReplyDeleteI've been seeing this guy for about 5 months (8 years difference) but he is constantly hot and cold. We have a lot of common interests and friends and the attraction IS there, for both sides. He always tells me how smart, sexy and fun I am and have a great time together. But everytime we get emotionally closer, he withdraws and I am left hanging. I never pressure him to do/ tell anything, I just keep minding my business, waiting... and enjoying my life! Furthermore, I sense he is still hung up on his ex (broke off 2 years ago! ), always hugging, kissing her and stop giving attention to me.
Why does he keep contacting me if this goes nowhere? How can he want me one minute then not? He just gives me hope in vain. I would like to be with him, but it gets exhausting. Always back and forth. I have invested in this relationship and care for it, but should I cut him off?
In my personal opinion, he keeps contacting you without it going anywhere, because he's bored, and you let him. If you don't have standards for the way you expect to be treated, or what you are looking for when you give your time to someone, they will not respect you or desire you, and will walk all over you. If he was interested enough, he wouldn't be so hot and cold. If I were you, I'd cut him loose, and wouldn't look back. Don't put up with that kind of garbage up front. Find someone who knows what he wants, that being you.
DeleteI have similar situation with my ex (the hot and cold thing). I have broken up 5 or 6 times before because i wanted more. But after few months of break up we get back together. 1 text message or 1 meeet up gets us back. This cycle has gone on several times. i know i let him come back to my life because i still care for him & i know he is too stubborn to change his mindset about marriage & real relationship. Does it still mean I have no standard if I let him back in my life but yell at him (& break up) for not giving me more? What the H am i doing? Will he change or keep taking me thru this cycle
DeleteWhat is your take on blocking guys on Facebook? Part of me wants to continue to upload pictures to show my exes that I look so good still. I do kind of compulsively check the one guys profile, should I just block him for my sanity?
ReplyDeleteI thought about this too. I assume you have deleted him though? If he doesn't have much publicly shared information, it doesn't matter so much for your sanity if he is "only" deleted and not blocked.
DeleteIf you block him for no reason, he might know that you do so because you are still hung up on him and need to not see anything. However, if he's contacted you since, that's a good reason to block. An ex wrote to me on facebook after I cut him off, I realized he only wanted to sleep with me again and it was hurtful enough to be reminded of him, so I blocked him to make sure it wouldn't happen again.
Unless you are losing extra weight or looking way hotter, posting pictures of yourself isn't going to tell him anything he doesn't already know or remember from being with you. All it does in that case is to display your insecurity and desire to prove how much he really still wants you - which he almost definitely doesn't. Read the post "Get Used to Rejection."
DeleteAnon Dec 10th: If he isn't deleted, he should be. If he IS deleted, then your new profile pictures can be as hot as you want. After all, you want to look good for a new guy. If he's deleted, you have officially cut him off already so it doesn't matter. Profile pictures are always the best pictures of yourself.
DeleteThe only thing that looks a bit weird is posting photos with a new partner/hookup right after a breakup (I actually see guys do this way more than girls).
So if I AM in the process of losing weight and looking way hotter, should I Facebook friend him after I get results so he can actually see what he is missing? I de-friended him earlier to avoid seeing what he does, but hopefully by the time I've raised my rating because I have the best body possible I won't really care what he's doing :)
DeleteI wouldn't recommend that. I don't see how pictures can make him want to be with you again, if he hasn't until now. He might want to sleep with you again, but who wants that? Either way, he should be the one to contact you. I broke it off with my ex and he wrote to me again, clearly because he wanted to sleep with me. I turned him down even though I was crazy about him still. There is no way I would have added him or written to him first - if he'd made a move after that, I'd know it was because I made the initiative (what the post "Don't initiate contact" is all about). I think you just have to settle with "he doesn't know what he's missing", because there is no way you can force the result on him without looking a bit desperate.
DeleteI think the very best solution is to improve your looks, then move on to date a guy who's way hotter/wealthier/confident/cool. Add a beautiful profile pic if you want to, but don't add your ex. I'm sure you can move on without the reaffirmation from him, even if it takes time.
Read the post "Making Him Jealous Doesn't Work"
DeleteI went ahead and blocked him on fb, thanks everyone for the feedback. As usual, Andrew was right. I blocked my ex because I was tired of obsessing over what new girls were "liking" hs stuff and reading his statuses (a few of them were very obviously pointed at me). I highly suggest blocking to girls that just can't seem to move on, helped ,e a lot!
DeleteHere's a question: why do couples continually approach me to have sex with them? Is this some new trend? How the hell am I supposed to ever meet a guy if COUPLES are attracted to me?!
ReplyDeleteCase in point: I am in grad school at a fairly prestigious school, and I had a group project with an attractive married man. Our group grabs drinks together at the end of the semester and he ends up bringing his wife along with the group. After quite a few drinks, he tries to make out with me in a darker area of the bar and basically proposes that we have an affair.
I'm appalled by this, and am also hoping that his wife doesn't come to this section of the bar to see this odd behavior. I politely turn him down, make a joke about that being a fantasy of mine all semester, and attempt to laugh it off. They keep buying more shots. Our entire group ends up getting extremely drunk, and I end up back at the couple's apartment because they don't want me to have to "drive home" and I can "sleep in their guest room". From there, we literally all end up hooking up. I realize this is partially my fault for getting that drunk, which I do not do frequently at all. But I was definitely not expecting this. Then after his wife went to sleep he came into the guest room and tried to hook up with me more!
He told me the next day that the wife is totally fine with everything that happened, and he wants to do it again. Unbelievably, this is not the only time I have been propositioned for a threesome by a couple. What would ever possess a wife to allow her husband to do this? I am even a few points more attractive than her!!!
What about me makes it seem like it is okay to ask me to have a threesome?!
Basic information about me: I'm intentionally looking for a long term relationship/marriage, take care of myself, wear makeup, have long hair, workout nearly everyday, have curves (boobs and butt), pretty, really easy to get along with, lively, & I am extremely sexual but only men I go out with would see that side of me (definitely not at school)... Any insights you can offer would be appreciated.
Any takers on what it means when other women do not ever give you a compliment about how you look but men do? I see other women often on social networks or in social situations compliment their friends on the way they look..this never happens with me. I often have men commenting though but I know many men will say anything if it means that they might get laid.
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem. Let me know if you come to any conclusions.
DeleteIt means that the females are probably a bit jealous of your looks or something about you and probably think you know you are great looking and confident about yourself enough.
DeleteMen are obviously attracted to you, so just let them keep commenting on you (because this will all fade away once you hit 50).
Enjoy it while it lasts, bearing in mind that most men do lie to get layed, however they wouldn't bother with you at all, if they weren't interested either.
What does it mean if an ex wants to drink coffee - when he was the dumper? I said I wanted no contact when he dumped me. It has been some months since we broke it off.
ReplyDeleteI would ask him what he wants to meet for. You could go and meet him, then (if it isn't obvious from your conversation during coffee), ask him at the end what he wants.
DeleteDon't let yourself get pulled back into a casual relationship.
How do I respond when the guy I am with is flirting and/or staring at other women when we are in situations such as dinner with just the two of us in restaurant? I see it as a red flag and dismiss the potential for a relationship with men who do this at any relationship stage, and try to accept that they are just not interested enough in me by displaying such disrespect. How do I conduct myself with dignity when this happens? In such situations, I never confronted them about it, I just stopped looking at them, tried to get the meal to end rapidly, and distanced myself by pretty much ignoring them afterwards. Please let me know what I can specifically say or do to address the disrespect I feel when placed in that situation, to potentially give the relationship a chance, depending on how the man conducts himself afterwards. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteI have a post about this drafted. I will move it towards the top of the list.
DeleteIf you e-mail me I will send to you what I have now.
DeleteI used to be friendly and tomboy kinda girl.Used to treat men like pals.Dressed conservatively and have a good reputation
ReplyDeleteAlot I mean alot of guys used to give me facial/eye/physical cues trying to make me ask them for sex.This went on for a decade thro' my teens and twenties
Although I've changed my behaviour around men now but can't still understand how could they think of something so trashy about me
I understand if they propositioned me for sex but that was never the case.Could anyone pls explain
What do u do if your boyfriend looked up someone on fb he had an inapprop relationship with (not full blown cheating)? he didn't contackt her, but he looked her up (I was using his comp).
ReplyDeleteIf that is the only hint you have at his infidelity, do nothing. He might just think she is hot and like looking at her the same way he likes looking at other attractive women.
DeleteIf it is yet another straw on the camel's back then you should consider it in light of the other "straws."
Should you go back to dating your ex fiancee if you both agreed that the engagement went to fast ?
ReplyDeleteDepends on a number of factors. E-mail me if you want to elaborate.
ReplyDeleteHello Andrew, I emailed you lastnight. My name is Dayna from Orlando
ReplyDeleteHello my name is Dana I met my ex fiancee online in August 2012 and we started dating in September,buy October18th he asked me to marry him. I was exctact! He bought my wedding dress and we were making plans to marry . He asked me to move in and against my judgment I did and then 3days later he told me it was too overwhelming but he wanted me to keep the ring because he still loved me, but I still moved back out.He was going thru a lot of things before we met ( the loss of his parents, his mother September of 2011 and his Father September 2012, and his business also had to go bankrupt)when we met He was a very happy,funny fun person and then he started taking steroids and became totaly diffrent mean and unhappy all the time. We recently ended(this past Friday) We both agreed that everything was rushed to soon. He said he's in a very dark place right now and needs to work on himself and will be seeing a councler. He also asked me if there is any chance of us getting back to how things were after going thru all of this and I replayed with a big "yes" As hard as it was to walk out the door I knew it was the right thing to do. He has texted mewith kisses every night since and I have replied with the same. I have not been calling or texting him (on my own but only replied to his textes)I have not begged him to come back to me or anything like that. But when he does text I do tell him that I love him. (He also said he loved me)My responses are short and i'm not sounding desperate. He texted me lastnight,It started off as a caring text by telling me he had a dream about but said he wanted to make sure I was ok because I was missing in his dream, and then he got sexual he asked that I come by tomorrow for us to be together but I told him I was busy. By him asking me to do this does it mean he wants no other type of relationship but sex ? What should I say if he textes again and suggests we "get together" (obviously for sex)? I don't want to ignore him and us to end forever I love and adore him and know he's going thru a lot but I also know if we have sex my heart will be hurt again. I was doing so well with the no contact thing until he texted me with a kiss and called me angel eyes( he knows this melts my heart) Please help me .
ReplyDelete"By him asking me to do this does it mean he wants no other type of relationship but sex?"
DeleteNo, at least, not probably. More likely, he was masturbating or horny and had thought "well maybe I can ask her to come over..." and just hit send before he thought better of it.
"What should I say if he texts again and suggests we "get together" (obviously for sex)?"
No. Then remind him that you need more than that from him. Though if he continues to ask for it, this is a bad sign.
Hello Andrew, what is your best advice for getting the man you love back, we rushed into getting engaged and now only after 3 & 1/2 months we broke up. He said has a lot of issues that he never addressed before we me & they all caught up with him at once, he needs to find happiness from within and is sorry he's not strong enough to do it with me by his side. He also said he still loves me and asked if we could get back to how things were after all is said and done & then a couple days later he texted me and was completely different, saying that he's not sure what happened or if we could get thing back. He told me that I'm perfect and do not need to change but if I'm so perfect why or how could he not want me back ? It's so hard to understand. Please give me your advice on what to do, I love him dearly and will do anything to get him back. I have not called or text him nor have I gone to his house pleading or crying. What can I do ? Hopelessly in love
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I appreciate your blog!
ReplyDeleteSimple question: how do you get over your partner's sexual past? Especially as a girl?
Tedious details: I've ruined countless blossoming relationships because of a pattern I can't seem to break. Date, get closer, start to get serious, find out their past one way or another, break up with them, they end up hating me. The weird thing is that I don't really have a cutoff number and I find that any sexual past at all bothers me. I'm not a virgin and I wouldn't logically want to date a virgin, so it's a completely backwards reaction. I also don't communicate to guys that it bothers me cause I know they wouldn't understand it (or want to hear it), so I've genuinely burned bridges with guys by hurting them by breaking up with them out of the blue.
The only relationship I've ever had was when I was too young to overthink, because if I always felt this I probably would have never lost my virginity. I have nothing morally against casual sex, but I don't have it purely because I physically can't get into it/don't enjoy it nearly as much as I do with someone I'm actually into. I don't care if people are promiscuous, but for some reason it bothers me immensely when it's someone I'm really interested in. I know a certain amount of jealousy or whatnot is normal, but I'm not generally jealous and I've done this to guys who truly wanted to be together and were doing all the right things. It's more like an unexplainable visceral reaction and I want to spit on them, end the relationship and shut them out of my life. It's almost as though I can only get through being close to a guy for as long as I can delude myself into thinking he probably hasn't spread his seed at all, which most/all guys I would be interested in have (and I would too if I actually enjoyed it!)
I know that it's physically and probably emotionally beneficial to date someone with experience and I can't say that I'd actually want a boyfriend who didn't, so I don't know what I'm trying to do here. I'm perfectly happy with myself and my ability to please in bed, so I don't know if it's like a comparison thing or the fact that they enjoy something sexual that I don't and never have that makes me twitch. I'm bothering to write this because I'm kind of starting to fall for someone who's no Gene Simmons but has been around a fair amount, and I can already feel the hate bubbling and the catastrophe playing out in my head. How do I stomp this out of myself or at least learn how to look at it differently before it's too late?
This is a problem everyone has (although most people aren't quite so neurotic/psychotic about it). We all want a non-virgin partner, but we don't want to think or know about all the people they had in their beds before us.
DeleteLuckily, there is a simple solution: don't discuss past sexual partners! Especially never ask (or tell) your "number." There is absolutely nothing good to be gleaned from that information. Don't even go there!
Agree with you in that we all have the original poster's problem and that don't ask don't tell is ideal but don't you find that it usually inevitably comes up even if not discussed directly? Especially when you have many mutual friends/date in college/date in grad school/work together/have any significant social overlap, you're going to hear things that will drive you crazy
DeleteTry "re-framing" his sexual experience differently: rather than thinking about it as giving himself sexually to a lot of women, remind yourself that he's highly valued by women, but that he wants you. Also recognize that it isn't a piece of cake to get women to have sex with you; that he's been able to says something about his combined social skills, confidence and intelligence.
DeleteI am not saying it's a good thing that he's slept around, but I am saying that there is a brighter side to everything, and you should consider it if you want to get over his sexual history.
@Anon 3.15: I think it depends whether your concerns are very unusual or whether the men you date have had an unusual amount of sex partners.
DeleteYou don't mention age or numbers here, but you have to assume a man over a certain age has had partners before you. If the fact that a 27 year old man has had 4 sex partners before you freaks you out, you need to learn to live with that. If we're talking about a man with 20+ partners, it's different. You probably need to look into a different segment of men.
Your concerns are somewhat reasonable - men with a high partner count are less likely to be faithful and less likely to be happy being monogamous with one partner. For men with 20+, this starts to become a concern.
You're no more required to tolerate men who's fucked around than men are to tolerate women who's fucked around (although the amount women tolerate will naturally be higher than what men tolerate). Although you might not want to know a guy's exact number, it's sensible to get an approximate.
7:15, this has been going through my late teens and now early twenties and for this particular guy I don't know the exact number but I would guess 10 to 15. Also early twenties... I'm at 2 so this is freakishly high to me even though maybe by average it's not. I think I could do better with it if I understood why it viscerally bugs me so much. Andrew, how different is the sensation to guys of sleeping with someone random versus someone you actually have strong feelings more? Maybe if I could hear from a guy that its different enough then I'd be able to feel more "special".
DeleteThat's hard to say. For sure it is much better, but I think the main reason is that the girls men tend to date and commit to are always much hotter/sweeter/better than the ones they bang randomly. The very fact that you are dating this guy means that he likes you WAY more than the women he's had one night stands with, and this translates into better sex, for sure.
DeleteThink about it like this: the women in his past are like all the shitty used cars that he bought and broke down, before he advanced in his career enough to buy a BMW, which he will drive for years to come.
I like most of the advice on the blog, but I am sometimes not sure what to follow.
ReplyDeleteThe reason being that the most important clue for me is "it doesn't matter what a guy says, only what he does". And that includes things being said on this blog - a lot of men act opposite.
Most guys will say you shouldn't fuck on the first date, or the second or third, but if you are the best-looking woman he's been with, and you're sweet and funny on top of it, he'll date you anyway. You might SAY a woman shouldn't have an online profile that goes so and so but men goes for women with profiles like that.
I agree that sometimes it may happen in SPITE of what you do, but there is not always any way of knowing. For example did my best friend sleep with a man on a first date before he left the country - he moved back and started dating her. If they hadn't had the incredible hot night together, he might not have had the memory and the motivation to choose her with so little background.
My observations say that if you are very attractive relative to him, most of these rules need to go out the window. You must demand less and give more.
You say that women should never date guys that are younger, but your actions prove that the only woman you feel for was older than you. You might have been attracted to her in spite of that, but probably not - she had the maturity you needed.
The bottom line is that I don't know whether to rely on the 5 years dating experience I have and what I've observed from my friends or whether to believe what men tell women they want. I am inclined to believe the latter is what they want the world to look like, not what it is.
"Most guys will say you shouldn't fuck on the first date, or the second or third, but if you are the best-looking woman he's been with, and you're sweet and funny on top of it, he'll date you anyway."
DeleteTrue, but you still increase your odds with ALL men (including him) by never having sex on the first date.
"You might SAY a woman shouldn't have an online profile that goes so and so but men goes for women with profiles like that."
What kind of women?
"I agree that sometimes it may happen in SPITE of what you do, but there is not always any way of knowing."
True, but try the things I recommend repeatedly and I think the results will speak for themselves.
"For example did my best friend sleep with a man on a first date before he left the country - he moved back and started dating her. If they hadn't had the incredible hot night together, he might not have had the memory and the motivation to choose her with so little background."
I can virtually guarantee that if she didn't sleep with him, and they just made out and talked, he would have been MORE likely to pursue her.
"My observations say that if you are very attractive relative to him, most of these rules need to go out the window. You must demand less and give more."
Of course - but I am not trying to show you how to get men far below your own level of attractiveness. I am trying to help you get the ones you want.
"You say that women should never date guys that are younger, but your actions prove that the only woman you feel for was older than you. You might have been attracted to her in spite of that, but probably not - she had the maturity you needed."
One of the main reasons I don't go back to her is her age, though I grant that her maturity attracts me. I wouldn't read too much into that situation though - there are a lot of factors at play there.
Also, I did NOT say that a woman should never date a younger man. I said "I am not saying that you should ALWAYS rule out younger guys, but that you'd be smarter to have a rule against them completely than to have no rule at all concerning age." The best state of affairs is to be VERY cautious when it comes to dating younger men. Very.
"The bottom line is that I don't know whether to rely on the 5 years dating experience I have and what I've observed from my friends or whether to believe what men tell women they want. I am inclined to believe the latter is what they want the world to look like, not what it is."
Personal experience is ALWAYS stronger than second-hand stories. All I can say is: try what I suggest, and judge its effect for yourself.
Senario- First date. All things have gone pretty well. Dinner, drinks, no lull in conversation. We're walking to the car and I slip my arm into his... Too bold? Not bold enough? Are guys generally a fan of a woman holding his arm in this way?
ReplyDeleteThanks
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI am a 49 year white lady. Had been dating a man my age for about 14 months. We were very happy together. I had intimated that I wanted more, to move in together or get married . He vacilated on this , and then said yes I do want us to live together. A couple of weeks go by and when he thought I was going to have a "talk" with him, thought I was going to break up with him ( I was'nt) He freaked out and said I think we have taken this as far as it is going to go, I said you want to break up and he said I think it is for the best. I simply said thank you. He then emailed me and said he never wanted to break up, that he loved me and please lets talk. We did. I told him that I didnt know if I would be able to be packing my bags to go see him every weekend for the next 5.10.15 years. He had only come to my house twice. I live in a small studio. When I asked him would you want to come to my house and pack and unpack for the next 5.10. 15 years, and he said if you had a nice house I would. Wow. I said F/U and hung up. He emailed me saying he was so sorry to hurt my feelings, I was right to be angry, and he is an idiot and that I deserve much better. (I do) but I do love him.and I know he loves me. He was married twice and both women cheated on him. I have my own truct issues to, and he knew that. What to do, what to do , Andrew? I would like to talk to him. I have not had any contact for almost a week. I really would like to see this work out. Thank you
Hi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI want to cut my Ex boyfriend off, but we bought a dog together.
The deal was, My daughter tries to champion the dog at AKC. When the dog is championed, we breed her for 1 litter of puppies and then my Ex keeps the dog as his pet. This was verbally agreed to in the beginning with the breeder and my Ex.
Right now, the dog is still in the showing phase.
I hate having to send him updates on her shows...he has not asked for the dog yet...
We also still have a bit of unfinished business...He promised to make a Pinewood Derby car with my son. The race is this Friday and he has not given back the car (which he said he was working on.) I thought I should be polite to invite him to the race... but he has not responded. He claims he will give my son the car this Thursday. Otherwise, no contact from him.
I want to cut him off, but keep feeling that I should be polite and keep him updated on the dog & the Derby. (+ he still owes me money on the dog.)
What shall I do? I want to move on, but feel I have obligations to my daughter & the dog breeder.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I broke up with him a few weeks ago after dating a year because I felt he was pulling away and not sexually interested in me anymore. It would have been better to cut him off completely but I keep writing to him about the Dog and the Derby. I feel stupid to do this because I know he has no interest me and it puts the "power" in his court. But I have done so for the sake of my children (who really liked him.)
DeleteOk , new update, My Ex gave the Derby car back (dropped it off, we never saw each other.) the car won first place. Discovered that my son accidentally left the 1st car I made him at My Exs house and now I really want THAT car back! (it had won a prize too and is sentimental.) I included a short note asking for it with my son's thank you note and he has not responded. Now what?
ReplyDeleteWhat about me that make guys put me on the “option” category instead of making me their priority?
ReplyDeleteI am 27 year old and grew up in a traditional/religious background where marriage is very important. I believe dating is to find marriage partner. I make my stand clear to all guys (that I am looking for someone I can get married too), yet time after time I find myself just hanging. Maybe I am impatient but very few guys have given me priority. It is understandable if things don’t work out but at least give the time & attention to figure out if it’s going to work or not. Majority of the guys can’t seem to be bothered to move me out of “casual date” phase (no I am not sleeping during casual date). On top of that, I find myself surrounded by EX often who just want to “hang out”. I don’t understand when I have such a clear mindset & express it, how can I find myself in gray area over and over again.
What about me that keeps man away from committing. They don’t seem to have problem keeping in touch with me on a friendly base, even throwing in few hints that “we still exist”. How can I attract the type a man who is serious about settling down and is man enough to make a decision without gazillion dates.
Kera, I'm not Andrew and I'm not making ANY statement about you but several things to honestly but kindly consider, based on female friends and cousins I've talked to about this, are:
Delete1) Are these guys not looking for commitment in general? e.g. players Maybe there are some commitment-minded good guys that aren't as flashy that actually are interested in you that you could give another look at?
2) Are you going for guys that are out of your league? Guys will give attention for girls that they hope to get casual sex from but don't consider pretty enough (or whatever enough) to date long term or marry.
3) Is your physical appearance about as good as it can get (e.g. as slim as you can healthily get but don't go overboard and get anorexic; fashion, hair, makeup)?
4) Is your personality and treatment of men agreeable? Andrew may have a post on it but if not see the post on 25 ways to land a boyfriend at hookingupsmart on how women should emotionally escalate and do nice things for guys that show interest in them. Note: don't do this for the players or guys that are out of your league. Only do it for a guy that is reasonably in your league and showing some interest.
5) What is the age range you interact with or are open to? Maybe go a few years older where men are more likely to be open to commit and are more stable.
Thanks HanSolo for answering. Here are my answers:
Delete1) Many of the guys I am meeting thru an online matrimonial site. So I specifically state in my profile I am looking for someone I can settle down with & most express interest saying they are ready to settle down too, just waiting for the right one. The guys I met in real life are also aware of my stand. 2 guys told “I thought I am ready for marriage but now that it seems so real, I realize I am not”. Everyone else I don’t know, they said they were
2) I am not having casual sex and I don’t think I am going for guys out of my leagues. If anything I am going for guys way below my leagues. I have even been told off by friends for giving everyone a chance. But then again I could be wrong.
3) I am definitely 10-15lb over weight. I am working on that and have been working on look/fashion/makeup in recent years. But not a pro at those. But girls uglier than me are constantly getting married.
4) I looking at man 28-33. Most are around 30 yrs old
Is it really the extra 15lb that is holding me back??????????????
Hi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteQuestion for you: I am reasonably tall - but not excessively so (175cm or 5ft 10). By the law of averages, I am taller than approximately half of men (average height men ~174cm). I like to wear high heels. What do you think about taller (than your date) women in high heels - is this a good thing or a bad thing? Should I be considering flat/flatter shoes in circumstances where I know I will be taller, or should I stick with a good thing, but be prepared to kiss them leaning down? What is the male perspective on this issue - is it intimidating/undesirable/other?
Read the posts under the tag "heels"
DeleteHere goes. I was 18 he was 20, he asked me to marry him and before we could I returned home to Calif. Over the next few years he tried to get in contact with me, also came to Ca a few times I found that my cousin never gave him my ph or address. He contacted me about 2 yrs ago and we have been speaking every day or so since. We still feel the same. So. What does it mean when a gentleman says 'you are his lady'? I mean coming from a man's perspective. We are both single now and older ..smile. I have been out of the relationship loop for a long time.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your time and response.
I don't know but I do know that long distance only works temporarily. If you've been talking for 2 years and no one has moved, it sounds like it isn't going anywhere.
DeleteWhat do guys think about girls going to tanning booths? Do they like a girl who is tan or is it more of an individual taste thing?
ReplyDeleteMen don't think anything about women GOING to tanning booths, but they have a variety of opinions about how you look as a result. In general, if you are tanning I am assuming you don't look super pale afterwards, so your only possible fuck up is to overdo it. Therefore, err on the side of less.
DeleteDon't turn into one of those jersey shore guidos.
Andrew,
DeleteYou have mentioned taking care of body and health many times before. I think it's worth adding that tanning booths are unhealthy. While we all look undeniably better with a tan, you should ask yourself whether or not it's worth it to look a bit better right now, or a lot better than most women 10 years from now. Obviously I'm implying that over-exposure to UV Rays will prematurely age you.
Hi Andrew - can you give advice on how to deal with your partner's friend(s)? My husband has a friend who is super offensive, misogynistic, a sexual harasser of women who work for him, invasive when he comes to visit (we all know each other from school, are all American, and we live within a few hours of him in Canada), just all over an a$$hole and jerk. He's not rude or mean to me per say, but he is EXHAUSTING to be around, dominates every inch he surrounds, brags on and on about the 19 year olds and married women he sleeps with, and my husband isn't at his best when he visits or calls. Nothing TOO horrible, but, well, a major inconvenience and my husband and I always fight when he's visiting/just has visited. Is my willing to be around him enough? My husband knows I am not his friend's biggest fan, and acknowledges that he is tiring, a little weird, but remains to be friends with him due to their long time knowing each other and US-in-a-foreign-country-thing. Any advice on how to deal with this helps immensely. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, this blog is killer -- can you offer tips on giving good oral sex from a guy's perspective?
ReplyDeletehaha e-mail me, I have plenty for you. probably too vulgar for the blog. Though... we'll see.
Deleteahem.. could i also email you to receive this oral sex tips? please, and thank you
Delete*these oral sex tips...
DeleteI actually drafted a post about this last night that I would be happy to share via e-mail. Not sure if I'll post it or not.
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteIsn't a man's primarily goal always to get in your pants regardless of the fact that he may want to date you or not? In some of your posts/comments you mention that a guy who genuinely likes you wouldn't agressively try to sleep with you, whereas I read in different other blogs, that they instinctively will try to sleep with you and along the lines (more likely if you make them wait for it) they may consider you as something serious or develop attachment towards you. How do you feel about that?
Also, does a man who thinks about you will automatically contact you or will he sometimes hold back to portray independance or to "test you"? It is often said that men are simple and whenever they feel like contacting you they will.. but I often think men must be analytic as well.. for instance someone like you must "pace" their moves and you must not always act based on compulsions? In the affirmative, do you think that a majority of men do that subconciously or they intentionaly "hold back" or "test" the situation, just like woman do when they intentionaly do not initiate contact?
*primary
ReplyDeleteHello Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI was researching some information and decided to click on your site. I'm a mature woman who was dating a much younger man exclusively for three years. He recently broke-up with me because he said I was too jealous and insecure, but what it really was is that I was informing him of his inappropriate actions which he didn't like hearing, so he broke-up with me after many arguments. As hard as it was, I completely cut him off one month ago and now I know it was the best thing to do by your information in an article I just read. His family treated me wonderful and I fell in love with them too. I still received emails, phone calls, and texts on how I am doing. Since I am back at the gym and keeping myself busy with friends, I have not had the desire to contact him even though at times I'm saddened by the fun times we use to have. My question; should I cut-off his family too?
Keep up the great job!
Sincerely,
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ReplyDeleteHey Andrew, I'm a 17 year old high school girl with a huge crush on this guy who I know for a year now. He is very confident, funny and talks to and even hugs his 'female friends' but when it comes to me he doesn't really say much. He just gets really quiet.. More demure, more toned down, more awkward. Most of the times I have to initiate a conversation with him. Heck, I have to even keep the conversation going! He doesn't ask how I am or how my day is going, he just listens to me blabber. And it's hard for me too, to keep talking, just so that he doesn't go away. I'm confused whether he's just shy or he doesn't like me. Also, our friends tease us a lot together, and I catch him smiling, blushing and looking away when they do. Also, when he look into each other's eyes, I can definitely sense there is something cause he smiles A LOT! When we are alone together, there is some flirting, and we have fun but in a group, he's kinda showing off, ignoring me and I'm just left hanging. We just started texting a few days ago, and just like in school, he doesn't text me first, but if I do, he replies quickly and most of the times, our conversations are cute!
ReplyDeleteI'm so confused about these mixed signals.
So finally does he like me and he's shy or is he just not into me? If he's shy, how do I bring him out of his shell?
I really want to be with him in a relationship but I'm not able to gauge his feelin
How many days is too long for a guy to ask you for a third date? It's been almost a week. Should I write him off and cutt him off at this point :(
ReplyDeleteHi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI have learned so much while reading your post. I now have to knowledge needed to interact with guys I meet for the first time. When I go out I look terrific!
AboutMe: I'm a black british female 25yrs old. very religious
However, my problem is with a guy from church I've known since we were in our early teens. In the last year I noticed him staring at me. At first he would look away when I caught him but now he's been more bold and not looking away. He's been hovering around me. I turn around and he'll be there.
He barely talks to me and he's a very confident guy - lot of girls like him including a good friend of mine. They often text and speak on the phone although he hasn't asked her out yet.
A few years ago he really upset me so although he's attractive and a decent man, I can't get past what he did.
My question: is it possible that he's interested to me now after all this time? Or is he trying to come close so he can apologise?
What should my next step be? Ignore or confront him?
I need your advice please. I've been dating someone for the past five month when he broke up with me after i told him that i was going to visit my uncle with my parents cause he is very jealous and doubtful...he was out of the country for one week ...so i was surprised when i left my uncle's house to see that he sent me messages saying that i was offline for 2 hours and i didn’t open my phone and since when i have an uncle...i tried to explain myself and i even told him that i love him so much why would i lie...i never lied before and i would never do it...so he said that i always do strange things when he's away...which is not true at all since i know myself...the second day he sends me bunch of whatsapp messages saying that i don’t care about him to not check my phone and whatsapp and to stay offline for 2 hours and that he believes i am not used to any kind of commitments...and since when i have an uncle...and that he needs someone honest and mature ....and after that he told me to forget about him and move on...i was so upset but i told him ok as u wish...and i went no contact for 5 days ..when i couldnt take it but sent him i miss u if u care to know...so i tried to explain and he said that i helped him make that decision and then i asked to see him and talk whenever he's ready...after 3 days we met as per my request, and i told him how much i love him that i don’t wanna lose him why wouldnt i be caring....he insisted on me not being caring enough...so i asked him could it be that you're giving that issue a big deal because you already wanna break up with me. he said i wouldn't be here talking if this what i wanted...(P.S. the reason i asked this is that i am separated and i have two kids but he always said he doesnt care he loves kids and he'll love them bcz of me) ... but sometimes he's scared that my ex won't leave us alone since am going through divorce and my ex doesnt want that divorce...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, after we finished talking i asked having another chance together...he said i need to think and get back to you we wont get back together today...2 days after he called me and was a bit sarcastic saying dont get mad now and dont stress out but it's a tough decision since am attached to you ,couldnt get anywhere and I need more time to think…so i got upset.and told him take ur time and hanged up ...so I thought what did i do that bad to make him think about this relation and what upset me more is that i felt that he's been taking me for granted ...so i sent him a msg straight after saying i'll make it easy for you and make that decision… each one shoul find his way and better be apart and broke up with him ...he was a bit surprised saying " very interesting" then when i said i dont need more torture in my life he said as u wish..gd luck...and i went no contact again and it's been 4 days now... i miss him a lot ...but i think i should not call him anymore...please advice me what to do I needhelp...i want him back but I don’t wanna initiate it ...
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ReplyDeleteHi I have been reading your blog and I love it. I am married and happy, but I have been thinking a lot about human attraction especially in relation to our evolutionary past. I was thinking that the reason women are attracted to bad guys is because those were the characteristics needed to bring home the biggest prey in a hunter-gatherer system. I do not know if it is true or not, but it is an idea.
ReplyDeleteMy question to you is what do you think men are hardwired to be attracted to in women. What is their biologically hard wired soft-spot.
Here I wrote about women's soft spot: http://homesweetrijswijk.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/why-women-like-bad-boys-and-the-nice-guy-finishes-last/
--
Hello Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI just read your blog on the "No contact rule" and I wanted to know if I made a mistake in my recent action. I am 29, Jamaican/American, Florida, I'm a waitress/cashier, and a struggling actress. The guy I was seeing is 25, Hispanic/White, I assume struggling musician/producer/composer full time, and also from Florida. We met online and had conversation, went on a few dates. Thinking that he wanted more with me because that is what he told me. I was sexually intimate with him. And when I talked to him about slowing down because I wasn't ready to have intercourse just yet. He began to make excuses as to why he couldn't do that and subsequently never called me again. It's been about 3 weeks, and I had erased his number right after our last conversation so I haven't been calling or texting him at all. But your article struck me because I re-registered on the dating website I met him on and left him a message explaining how the situation hurt me. And that I felt like he didn't have to lie to me to get what he wanted. That he did misrepresent himself with his words, and that I feel foolish and a bit embarrassed that I was intimate with him. I basically fell for his game hook, line and sinker. I have never experienced this specific situation in dating so this is very new (pain) to me. I ended with it by expressing that I was really liked him and I though he felt the same, but now I realized I was just being used. He didn't like me enough. I wish I could tell you the conversations what I was hearing to help you better understand why I would think he wanted more. But my question is did I f*** up not looking pathetic by trying create my own closure and telling him he hurt me? I will admit that I still very attracted to him and would have liked to this go differently so part of me wants him back but I know logically that will never happen. And there is nothing I can do about it. I just kind of regret what happened since what he told he wanted was never really intended for me. I know I deserve better, I'm just human and I can't lie that I'm working through these emotions and thoughts at this time. But what do you think? was that a rookie move? (btw way I am no longer on the same dating site)
Sorry I broke the word count rule.
continuation of the above question...I just wanted one last question to see what you think. Would you say that a man pulling away from a women after sexual intimacy was just him using her? or him not being sure if she is worthy of more.
ReplyDeleteHi. I broke up with my bf of a year just last year. I initiated it cuz I believe (dumb) that he stopped loving me after a quarrel. I went to him to fix it but he was already cold and distant and drove me to the break-up. We had extra baggage; I was still talking to my ex and he still finances his ex medical bills. However before we stopped talking to each other before Xmas last year he explicitly told me he'd be free of his promise to her in 6 more months. He also said that he wanted to concentrate on his work and self-improvement (he's socially inappropriate/too brutally honest). We live in different state fyi. After more than 4 months of silence I finally gather courage to call him to ask how he was doing. As I figured he was aloof and cold. I'm 33 yrs old and he's 38. I'm also his real 1st gf since the previous one was initiated by his ex and he wasn't particularly interested. I'm his 1st kiss and 1st love. Trust me, he said he never kissed or hold her hands. I guess he really just wants to help her. I wouldn't have believed it but during our 1st few weeks together he never once kiss me till I finally had to. We're both chinese and have massive cultural differences. I'm moderate romantic and he's practical. He's ultra conventional and really just your average weird guy who's fancied a couple of woman earlier in his life but never pursues. I've had one serious relationship for 10 yrs and had a few lovers over the years and used to be severely depressed but anymore cuz of him :). I really love this guy. How do I make him forget the past and give us another try? Help....................................
ReplyDeleteHey man, found your site by searching Google for an answer on how many people to say I've slept with and since have become transfixed on your insight. A pure joy. I was wondering though, this site seems to be more geared towards women rather than men. Not saying I have massive trouble but a few pointers couldn't hurt. I was wondering if you knew of any sites similar to this, geared towards men?
ReplyDeleteThanks and keep it up.
Try www.postmasculine.com and
Deletehttp://animusempire.com/