How to Ask Me for Advice

I try my best to read and reply to all of the e-mails I receive, but the reality is that I get way more than I can handle and I have to pick and choose. Here are some tips to help you get a response:

  • I can't read e-mails over 400 words, because I'd only be able do so at the expense of answering readers who made an effort to be brief.
  • I can't answer e-mails that contain multiple questions, because I'd only be able do so at the expense of answering readers who make an effort to think critically about their situation and identify the thing that confuses them most.
  • I can't answer e-mails that aren't punctuated, spell-checked and broken into paragraphs, because I'd only be able do so at the expense of answering readers who made an effort to make their e-mail clear and easy for me to read.
  • I don't mind if the writing isn't perfect, and I don't mind if you make a lot of grammar mistakes because English isn't your first language; I just want to see that you made an effort, because I plan to make an effort in my reply to you.

You can contact me by e-mailing me (Andrew) at therulesrevisited@gmail.com. Unless you tell me otherwise, by writing to me for advice, you grant me permission to publish your question anonymously.

152 comments:

  1. Andrew,

    I just love your blog. Why would any woman read Cosmo when your advice is so much more insightful?

    Question:
    I work in an office of about 35 people. I am extremely attracted to my superior. He is 27 and I am 23. I have been happily married for two years and my boss has a girlfriend. My question is whether or not you think that flirting with this guy is permissible. We've had sexual tension since I started work at this office a year ago. I notice that whenever we sit in group settings he will face me and stare my way until I catch him. He also walks around the office like the Alpha Male, but when we stop to have a conversation he suddenly becomes fidgety and stumbles over his words.

    Is office flirting natural, even between two happily taken individuals? Where do you draw the line? Can I enjoy feeling desirable without sacrificing my commitment to my husband? Keep in mind that my position in this job is not one that will advance much further, nor do I have any ambitions to climb the corporate ladder in this context. I guess you could say that flirting compensates for the boredom in my 8-5 routine.

    Sorry if this comment was lengthy and my narrative somewhat unnecessary.

    L

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    1. You are asking a "moral" question of sorts, which you need to answer for yourself., but I will say this: if your husband was engaging in that kind of flirting with a woman in his office, would you mind?

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    2. "Is office flirting natural, even between two happily taken individuals? Where do you draw the line? Can I enjoy feeling desirable without sacrificing my commitment to my husband? Keep in mind that my position in this job is not one that will advance much further, nor do I have any ambitions to climb the corporate ladder in this context. I guess you could say that flirting compensates for the boredom in my 8-5 routine."

      I know you're question was directed towards Andrew, but isn't it enough to feel desired by your husband? You know, the man who committed to you for the rest of his life? I personally see flirting as a form of emotional infidelity, and while it may be common for "happily taken individuals" to feel attraction towards people who aren't their partner, I do NOT think it's natural or appropriate to act on it. Flirting is a slippery slope, ( and even more so with your BOSS and, even MUCH MORE so with a man ALREADY TAKEN) and if you're not careful one thing can devastatingly lead to another with the potential to destroy solid, happy relationships and tear families apart. Is your need to be desired or curb your "boredom during your 8-5 work day" really worth risking and sacrificing something so sacred and precious? You say you're happily married, but if you need to feel desired by another man who by the way HAS a GIRLFRIEND and is YOUR BOSS, then could it be you're perhaps lacking some of what you need from your husband? If so, why not address that with your husband, instead of trying to get that validation from inappropriate sources. Also, if you're bored at work, it could be that you're in a position that is not the right fit for you. If that's the case, why not just look for something that would engage and interest you more so that you won't be tempted to curb that boredom by inappropriate and potentially harmful ways? I'm really not trying to be judgmental, but so many people think that there's wrong with a "little innocent flirting" without realizing how harmful it can be. Andrew asked you a very poignant question about how you would feel "if your husband was engaging in that kind of flirting with a woman in his office, would you mind?" I'm guessing you would mind, and if the boss's girlfriend found out about it, you can sure as hell be sure that she would damn well mind a whole lot too! So please, do what can you can to curb this infatuation, crush, "sexual tension" or whatever you want to call it. It will most likely pass, and you don't want to do anything that would hurt or embarrass your husband, yourself, or anyone else involved. Not to mention possibly put you at risk for water cooler gossip and risk your reputation and job. Your boss should know better and he's not innocent either, but you can minimize his unprofessional behavior by not doing anything to encourage it.

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  2. Hi Andrew,

    Just found your blog today & had a very interesting read! OK, now looking for some advice for me please! Just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 mths. He is a year separated from a 22 yr marriage with 3 teenage kids - his wife cheated on him. He pursued me, we took things slow at first. We had alot of things in common & got on really well together. He had started introducing me to his friends, had spoken a little about things we might do together in the next few months. He is 10 yrs older than me, I am divorced with a teenage daughter. We met up a few times a week, when we found time & always enjoyed each others company & texted most days. Well, 2 months into the relationship, he wanted some space, wasn't sure what he wanted (red flag!!) we talked it through & continued the relationship. Well, 2 weeks ago after him not texting me for a few days, I asked to meet up with him and asked whats going on. He said he couldn't commit to a relationship now, wasn't ready, didn't really know what he wants. Wanted to remain friends with me & probably will never meet anyone as good as me again!!!??? I accepted the break up and wished him well. He has since contacted me wanting us to meet up for lunch as friends or go hiking together. So, I gave in and said ok to the hike. Which I now regret as it was too awkward. He was quite touchy/feely with me & I know that I wan't yet over him emotionally. I text him that evening to say I couldn't be friends with him and he text back that he really wants us to continue our friendship & will contact me again in 2 weeks to see if I have changed my mind. I won't! I know there are alot of red flags & obviously he is not ready for a relationship - too soon! But my question is - down the line, if we were to cut all contact, would there be any hope of us getting back together when he sorts out what he wants, is ready for a relationship? I just find it so hard to let go as we really loved each others company & had alot of similar interests. I will go on with my life & if I meet someone else - great! but wonder will he ever regret/miss what we had? I suppose at the moment it is all so fresh in my mind, am hurting alot & just trying to process it as the break up seemed to come out of the blue! Sorry about the length of this & my rambling, just want some input from anyone out there! Thanks!

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    1. There is a chance, yes, but you'll increase the chances of that happening by keeping as much distance/silence between you as possible. The more completely you cut him off, the more likely he is going to notice what he is missing and think about wanting it back.

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    2. Thank you for that advice Andrew!

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  3. been dating my boyfriend (white male, 30) for 11 months and 2 weeks, for 8 weeks he has bcome distant, avoided me at all cost, no sex, a complete breakdown in communication. when asked quesitons he says i am making up stories. today i have made it easier for him, i have broken up with him and this is what i said: "I have thought this through and made up my mind. i just cant carry on like this, you not a bad person u maybe just someone that does not know how to tell people the truth when its over. with all my heart i wish u luck and prosperity. in order for me to move on i need to cut all interactions/communication with you. Good luck" after an hour he text me saying that i does not need to be like that! Now i am heart broken as hell, i have cried for 46 hours straight, my gut feel says he is seeing someone else, he just cant admit it.... what do i say, do.....

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  4. "There is a chance, yes, but you'll increase the chances of that happening by keeping as much distance/silence between you as possible. The more completely you cut him off, the more likely he is going to notice what he is missing and think about wanting it back."

    In that condition Andrew, how if men meet other women when making the distance / silence ?

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  5. Hi Andrew

    I rejected an alpha male in a way that badly injured his pride. He cut things off with me. The problem is that one of his best mates broke the "bros before hoes" rule and went for me after ensuring that nothing was going on between me and the first guy. The first guy minds, a lot, and there have already been quite a few incidents in their group of guy friends, some that have involved me. The main thing seems to be that his best mate went for a girl he was interested in and I rejected him but I seem to be giving the second guy more of a chance. Thanks to one of the incidents, all his friends have probably guessed that the first guy was previously interested in me. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like whether or not I get together with the second guy, it will be difficult not to cross paths with that group of guys. Is there a way for me to make peace with the first guy? Should I even try?

    Thanks!

    EJ

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  6. Hi Andrew - I forgot to say that I found your blog a very interesting read, there's a definite gap in the information on the web and you've filled it. Thanks a lot for your time in providing all these information!

    EJ

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  7. Andrew- What is your opinion on sexual banter via text? No outright "this is what I'm gonna do to you" but playful comments with sexual undertone. When do you see this as appropriate? Before having sex for the first time? Only after sleeping together several times? Only in a relationship?

    Thanks!

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    1. Only after you've decided that you are going to sleep with him in the immediate future (next few days). I've suggested elsewhere that this should only happen after he's made a commitment to you.

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  8. Hey there! I just want some insight from you...

    I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months (8 years difference) but he is constantly hot and cold. We have a lot of common interests and friends and the attraction IS there, for both sides. He always tells me how smart, sexy and fun I am and have a great time together. But everytime we get emotionally closer, he withdraws and I am left hanging. I never pressure him to do/ tell anything, I just keep minding my business, waiting... and enjoying my life! Furthermore, I sense he is still hung up on his ex (broke off 2 years ago! ), always hugging, kissing her and stop giving attention to me.

    Why does he keep contacting me if this goes nowhere? How can he want me one minute then not? He just gives me hope in vain. I would like to be with him, but it gets exhausting. Always back and forth. I have invested in this relationship and care for it, but should I cut him off?

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    1. In my personal opinion, he keeps contacting you without it going anywhere, because he's bored, and you let him. If you don't have standards for the way you expect to be treated, or what you are looking for when you give your time to someone, they will not respect you or desire you, and will walk all over you. If he was interested enough, he wouldn't be so hot and cold. If I were you, I'd cut him loose, and wouldn't look back. Don't put up with that kind of garbage up front. Find someone who knows what he wants, that being you.

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    2. I have similar situation with my ex (the hot and cold thing). I have broken up 5 or 6 times before because i wanted more. But after few months of break up we get back together. 1 text message or 1 meeet up gets us back. This cycle has gone on several times. i know i let him come back to my life because i still care for him & i know he is too stubborn to change his mindset about marriage & real relationship. Does it still mean I have no standard if I let him back in my life but yell at him (& break up) for not giving me more? What the H am i doing? Will he change or keep taking me thru this cycle

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  9. What is your take on blocking guys on Facebook? Part of me wants to continue to upload pictures to show my exes that I look so good still. I do kind of compulsively check the one guys profile, should I just block him for my sanity?

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    1. I thought about this too. I assume you have deleted him though? If he doesn't have much publicly shared information, it doesn't matter so much for your sanity if he is "only" deleted and not blocked.
      If you block him for no reason, he might know that you do so because you are still hung up on him and need to not see anything. However, if he's contacted you since, that's a good reason to block. An ex wrote to me on facebook after I cut him off, I realized he only wanted to sleep with me again and it was hurtful enough to be reminded of him, so I blocked him to make sure it wouldn't happen again.

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    2. Unless you are losing extra weight or looking way hotter, posting pictures of yourself isn't going to tell him anything he doesn't already know or remember from being with you. All it does in that case is to display your insecurity and desire to prove how much he really still wants you - which he almost definitely doesn't. Read the post "Get Used to Rejection."

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    3. Anon Dec 10th: If he isn't deleted, he should be. If he IS deleted, then your new profile pictures can be as hot as you want. After all, you want to look good for a new guy. If he's deleted, you have officially cut him off already so it doesn't matter. Profile pictures are always the best pictures of yourself.
      The only thing that looks a bit weird is posting photos with a new partner/hookup right after a breakup (I actually see guys do this way more than girls).

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    4. So if I AM in the process of losing weight and looking way hotter, should I Facebook friend him after I get results so he can actually see what he is missing? I de-friended him earlier to avoid seeing what he does, but hopefully by the time I've raised my rating because I have the best body possible I won't really care what he's doing :)

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    5. I wouldn't recommend that. I don't see how pictures can make him want to be with you again, if he hasn't until now. He might want to sleep with you again, but who wants that? Either way, he should be the one to contact you. I broke it off with my ex and he wrote to me again, clearly because he wanted to sleep with me. I turned him down even though I was crazy about him still. There is no way I would have added him or written to him first - if he'd made a move after that, I'd know it was because I made the initiative (what the post "Don't initiate contact" is all about). I think you just have to settle with "he doesn't know what he's missing", because there is no way you can force the result on him without looking a bit desperate.

      I think the very best solution is to improve your looks, then move on to date a guy who's way hotter/wealthier/confident/cool. Add a beautiful profile pic if you want to, but don't add your ex. I'm sure you can move on without the reaffirmation from him, even if it takes time.

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    6. I went ahead and blocked him on fb, thanks everyone for the feedback. As usual, Andrew was right. I blocked my ex because I was tired of obsessing over what new girls were "liking" hs stuff and reading his statuses (a few of them were very obviously pointed at me). I highly suggest blocking to girls that just can't seem to move on, helped ,e a lot!

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    7. At the end of the day, do what is best for you. I realized later then I should that it doesn't matter what he thinks that I think of him. He can think that I am obsessing over him, for all I care. Truth or not, it doesn't matter as chances are that you won't get back together. And guys always think that ex girlfriends are hung up on them. Guys usually have a huge ego about the situation, regardless who broke up with whom. In the off chance that you do get back together, so what? It just means that he obsessed too. And if you don't get back together. Then, you will eventually move on anyway. Just to be remembered by him as the girl that cared too much once. Time passes, you won't feel that way. So what, that you were hung up?

      Block him and do whatever you need. Friendships hardly come from relationships anyway.

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  10. Here's a question: why do couples continually approach me to have sex with them? Is this some new trend? How the hell am I supposed to ever meet a guy if COUPLES are attracted to me?!

    Case in point: I am in grad school at a fairly prestigious school, and I had a group project with an attractive married man. Our group grabs drinks together at the end of the semester and he ends up bringing his wife along with the group. After quite a few drinks, he tries to make out with me in a darker area of the bar and basically proposes that we have an affair.

    I'm appalled by this, and am also hoping that his wife doesn't come to this section of the bar to see this odd behavior. I politely turn him down, make a joke about that being a fantasy of mine all semester, and attempt to laugh it off. They keep buying more shots. Our entire group ends up getting extremely drunk, and I end up back at the couple's apartment because they don't want me to have to "drive home" and I can "sleep in their guest room". From there, we literally all end up hooking up. I realize this is partially my fault for getting that drunk, which I do not do frequently at all. But I was definitely not expecting this. Then after his wife went to sleep he came into the guest room and tried to hook up with me more!

    He told me the next day that the wife is totally fine with everything that happened, and he wants to do it again. Unbelievably, this is not the only time I have been propositioned for a threesome by a couple. What would ever possess a wife to allow her husband to do this? I am even a few points more attractive than her!!!

    What about me makes it seem like it is okay to ask me to have a threesome?!
    Basic information about me: I'm intentionally looking for a long term relationship/marriage, take care of myself, wear makeup, have long hair, workout nearly everyday, have curves (boobs and butt), pretty, really easy to get along with, lively, & I am extremely sexual but only men I go out with would see that side of me (definitely not at school)... Any insights you can offer would be appreciated.

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    1. Men have insinuated that to me as well. In both cases, the women were not okay with it. They just remained silent. In both cases, it didn't matter because I would not even consider it. I would not take it as far as you did.

      Not doing to lie. It is your fault. As in, why are you being polite to sexual advances from a married man? Say no, and don't cover it up with a joke. He will get over the discomfort. Your joke thereafter soften the situation, making it as if you can be talked into it. I am sure that is what he thought. And he was right indeed. Why would you joke about the fantasy? Why would you get drink when single around a guy that insinuated that? Why would you go to his home and not another? Irrespective of driving situation...you don't go to the house of a man that proposed an affair. And don't blame alcohol. It lowers inhibitions, not puts crazy ideas in your head.

      Get off your high horse with the points and wife. She is proposing you as a sideline play thing.

      If you are looking for something serious, be serious. You seem to be pressing for compliment explanations. That's the real deal.

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  11. Any takers on what it means when other women do not ever give you a compliment about how you look but men do? I see other women often on social networks or in social situations compliment their friends on the way they look..this never happens with me. I often have men commenting though but I know many men will say anything if it means that they might get laid.

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    Replies
    1. I have the same problem. Let me know if you come to any conclusions.

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    2. It means that the females are probably a bit jealous of your looks or something about you and probably think you know you are great looking and confident about yourself enough.
      Men are obviously attracted to you, so just let them keep commenting on you (because this will all fade away once you hit 50).
      Enjoy it while it lasts, bearing in mind that most men do lie to get layed, however they wouldn't bother with you at all, if they weren't interested either.

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    3. A combination of what the poster above said or another harsh reality. Perhaps you aren't liked by girls because of your personality. As guys will compliment based on physical only. Like girls don't compliment overboard sexual clothing, as it is trying too hard. And guys will because the more naked the better. Even if you are a porn star.

      Though you might prefer the above response more. I find that girls tell themselves that other girls are just jealous when they get this reaction. 9 times out of 10, it is beyond jealousy. You just might not be well liked. Or maybe its what I said above. Might be both.

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  12. What does it mean if an ex wants to drink coffee - when he was the dumper? I said I wanted no contact when he dumped me. It has been some months since we broke it off.

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    1. I would ask him what he wants to meet for. You could go and meet him, then (if it isn't obvious from your conversation during coffee), ask him at the end what he wants.

      Don't let yourself get pulled back into a casual relationship.

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  13. How do I respond when the guy I am with is flirting and/or staring at other women when we are in situations such as dinner with just the two of us in restaurant? I see it as a red flag and dismiss the potential for a relationship with men who do this at any relationship stage, and try to accept that they are just not interested enough in me by displaying such disrespect. How do I conduct myself with dignity when this happens? In such situations, I never confronted them about it, I just stopped looking at them, tried to get the meal to end rapidly, and distanced myself by pretty much ignoring them afterwards. Please let me know what I can specifically say or do to address the disrespect I feel when placed in that situation, to potentially give the relationship a chance, depending on how the man conducts himself afterwards. Thank you so much.

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    1. I have a post about this drafted. I will move it towards the top of the list.

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    2. If you e-mail me I will send to you what I have now.

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    3. Hi Andrew, I have been reading your posts with great interest. I am curious about your response to this one but can't find the link to it anywhere. Would I be able to see your post on this?
      Cheers
      Catherine

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    4. Please Andrew, this happens often. The guy i went out on dates and slept with, and who texts and calls regularly, has also been texting and asking other girls out. How should i react? I told him it makes me uncomfortable, but he keeps on and says sth like we are just dating and dont expect much from me... This is plain disrespectful right? I am hot and funny and nice, and sometimes he flirts and likes women below me... Why do guys do that? I sent him to hell but i just wonder whats wrong with him? How should i hv acted?

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  14. I used to be friendly and tomboy kinda girl.Used to treat men like pals.Dressed conservatively and have a good reputation

    Alot I mean alot of guys used to give me facial/eye/physical cues trying to make me ask them for sex.This went on for a decade thro' my teens and twenties

    Although I've changed my behaviour around men now but can't still understand how could they think of something so trashy about me

    I understand if they propositioned me for sex but that was never the case.Could anyone pls explain

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  15. What do u do if your boyfriend looked up someone on fb he had an inapprop relationship with (not full blown cheating)? he didn't contackt her, but he looked her up (I was using his comp).

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    1. If that is the only hint you have at his infidelity, do nothing. He might just think she is hot and like looking at her the same way he likes looking at other attractive women.

      If it is yet another straw on the camel's back then you should consider it in light of the other "straws."

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  16. Should you go back to dating your ex fiancee if you both agreed that the engagement went to fast ?

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  17. Depends on a number of factors. E-mail me if you want to elaborate.

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  18. Hello Andrew, I emailed you lastnight. My name is Dayna from Orlando

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  19. Hello my name is Dana I met my ex fiancee online in August 2012 and we started dating in September,buy October18th he asked me to marry him. I was exctact! He bought my wedding dress and we were making plans to marry . He asked me to move in and against my judgment I did and then 3days later he told me it was too overwhelming but he wanted me to keep the ring because he still loved me, but I still moved back out.He was going thru a lot of things before we met ( the loss of his parents, his mother September of 2011 and his Father September 2012, and his business also had to go bankrupt)when we met He was a very happy,funny fun person and then he started taking steroids and became totaly diffrent mean and unhappy all the time. We recently ended(this past Friday) We both agreed that everything was rushed to soon. He said he's in a very dark place right now and needs to work on himself and will be seeing a councler. He also asked me if there is any chance of us getting back to how things were after going thru all of this and I replayed with a big "yes" As hard as it was to walk out the door I knew it was the right thing to do. He has texted mewith kisses every night since and I have replied with the same. I have not been calling or texting him (on my own but only replied to his textes)I have not begged him to come back to me or anything like that. But when he does text I do tell him that I love him. (He also said he loved me)My responses are short and i'm not sounding desperate. He texted me lastnight,It started off as a caring text by telling me he had a dream about but said he wanted to make sure I was ok because I was missing in his dream, and then he got sexual he asked that I come by tomorrow for us to be together but I told him I was busy. By him asking me to do this does it mean he wants no other type of relationship but sex ? What should I say if he textes again and suggests we "get together" (obviously for sex)? I don't want to ignore him and us to end forever I love and adore him and know he's going thru a lot but I also know if we have sex my heart will be hurt again. I was doing so well with the no contact thing until he texted me with a kiss and called me angel eyes( he knows this melts my heart) Please help me .

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    1. "By him asking me to do this does it mean he wants no other type of relationship but sex?"

      No, at least, not probably. More likely, he was masturbating or horny and had thought "well maybe I can ask her to come over..." and just hit send before he thought better of it.

      "What should I say if he texts again and suggests we "get together" (obviously for sex)?"

      No. Then remind him that you need more than that from him. Though if he continues to ask for it, this is a bad sign.

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  20. Hello Andrew, what is your best advice for getting the man you love back, we rushed into getting engaged and now only after 3 & 1/2 months we broke up. He said has a lot of issues that he never addressed before we me & they all caught up with him at once, he needs to find happiness from within and is sorry he's not strong enough to do it with me by his side. He also said he still loves me and asked if we could get back to how things were after all is said and done & then a couple days later he texted me and was completely different, saying that he's not sure what happened or if we could get thing back. He told me that I'm perfect and do not need to change but if I'm so perfect why or how could he not want me back ? It's so hard to understand. Please give me your advice on what to do, I love him dearly and will do anything to get him back. I have not called or text him nor have I gone to his house pleading or crying. What can I do ? Hopelessly in love

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  21. Andrew, I appreciate your blog!

    Simple question: how do you get over your partner's sexual past? Especially as a girl?

    Tedious details: I've ruined countless blossoming relationships because of a pattern I can't seem to break. Date, get closer, start to get serious, find out their past one way or another, break up with them, they end up hating me. The weird thing is that I don't really have a cutoff number and I find that any sexual past at all bothers me. I'm not a virgin and I wouldn't logically want to date a virgin, so it's a completely backwards reaction. I also don't communicate to guys that it bothers me cause I know they wouldn't understand it (or want to hear it), so I've genuinely burned bridges with guys by hurting them by breaking up with them out of the blue.

    The only relationship I've ever had was when I was too young to overthink, because if I always felt this I probably would have never lost my virginity. I have nothing morally against casual sex, but I don't have it purely because I physically can't get into it/don't enjoy it nearly as much as I do with someone I'm actually into. I don't care if people are promiscuous, but for some reason it bothers me immensely when it's someone I'm really interested in. I know a certain amount of jealousy or whatnot is normal, but I'm not generally jealous and I've done this to guys who truly wanted to be together and were doing all the right things. It's more like an unexplainable visceral reaction and I want to spit on them, end the relationship and shut them out of my life. It's almost as though I can only get through being close to a guy for as long as I can delude myself into thinking he probably hasn't spread his seed at all, which most/all guys I would be interested in have (and I would too if I actually enjoyed it!)

    I know that it's physically and probably emotionally beneficial to date someone with experience and I can't say that I'd actually want a boyfriend who didn't, so I don't know what I'm trying to do here. I'm perfectly happy with myself and my ability to please in bed, so I don't know if it's like a comparison thing or the fact that they enjoy something sexual that I don't and never have that makes me twitch. I'm bothering to write this because I'm kind of starting to fall for someone who's no Gene Simmons but has been around a fair amount, and I can already feel the hate bubbling and the catastrophe playing out in my head. How do I stomp this out of myself or at least learn how to look at it differently before it's too late?

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    1. This is a problem everyone has (although most people aren't quite so neurotic/psychotic about it). We all want a non-virgin partner, but we don't want to think or know about all the people they had in their beds before us.

      Luckily, there is a simple solution: don't discuss past sexual partners! Especially never ask (or tell) your "number." There is absolutely nothing good to be gleaned from that information. Don't even go there!

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    2. Agree with you in that we all have the original poster's problem and that don't ask don't tell is ideal but don't you find that it usually inevitably comes up even if not discussed directly? Especially when you have many mutual friends/date in college/date in grad school/work together/have any significant social overlap, you're going to hear things that will drive you crazy

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    3. Try "re-framing" his sexual experience differently: rather than thinking about it as giving himself sexually to a lot of women, remind yourself that he's highly valued by women, but that he wants you. Also recognize that it isn't a piece of cake to get women to have sex with you; that he's been able to says something about his combined social skills, confidence and intelligence.

      I am not saying it's a good thing that he's slept around, but I am saying that there is a brighter side to everything, and you should consider it if you want to get over his sexual history.

      Delete
    4. @Anon 3.15: I think it depends whether your concerns are very unusual or whether the men you date have had an unusual amount of sex partners.
      You don't mention age or numbers here, but you have to assume a man over a certain age has had partners before you. If the fact that a 27 year old man has had 4 sex partners before you freaks you out, you need to learn to live with that. If we're talking about a man with 20+ partners, it's different. You probably need to look into a different segment of men.
      Your concerns are somewhat reasonable - men with a high partner count are less likely to be faithful and less likely to be happy being monogamous with one partner. For men with 20+, this starts to become a concern.
      You're no more required to tolerate men who's fucked around than men are to tolerate women who's fucked around (although the amount women tolerate will naturally be higher than what men tolerate). Although you might not want to know a guy's exact number, it's sensible to get an approximate.

      Delete
    5. 7:15, this has been going through my late teens and now early twenties and for this particular guy I don't know the exact number but I would guess 10 to 15. Also early twenties... I'm at 2 so this is freakishly high to me even though maybe by average it's not. I think I could do better with it if I understood why it viscerally bugs me so much. Andrew, how different is the sensation to guys of sleeping with someone random versus someone you actually have strong feelings more? Maybe if I could hear from a guy that its different enough then I'd be able to feel more "special".

      Delete
    6. That's hard to say. For sure it is much better, but I think the main reason is that the girls men tend to date and commit to are always much hotter/sweeter/better than the ones they bang randomly. The very fact that you are dating this guy means that he likes you WAY more than the women he's had one night stands with, and this translates into better sex, for sure.

      Think about it like this: the women in his past are like all the shitty used cars that he bought and broke down, before he advanced in his career enough to buy a BMW, which he will drive for years to come.

      Delete
  22. I like most of the advice on the blog, but I am sometimes not sure what to follow.
    The reason being that the most important clue for me is "it doesn't matter what a guy says, only what he does". And that includes things being said on this blog - a lot of men act opposite.
    Most guys will say you shouldn't fuck on the first date, or the second or third, but if you are the best-looking woman he's been with, and you're sweet and funny on top of it, he'll date you anyway. You might SAY a woman shouldn't have an online profile that goes so and so but men goes for women with profiles like that.
    I agree that sometimes it may happen in SPITE of what you do, but there is not always any way of knowing. For example did my best friend sleep with a man on a first date before he left the country - he moved back and started dating her. If they hadn't had the incredible hot night together, he might not have had the memory and the motivation to choose her with so little background.
    My observations say that if you are very attractive relative to him, most of these rules need to go out the window. You must demand less and give more.
    You say that women should never date guys that are younger, but your actions prove that the only woman you feel for was older than you. You might have been attracted to her in spite of that, but probably not - she had the maturity you needed.
    The bottom line is that I don't know whether to rely on the 5 years dating experience I have and what I've observed from my friends or whether to believe what men tell women they want. I am inclined to believe the latter is what they want the world to look like, not what it is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Most guys will say you shouldn't fuck on the first date, or the second or third, but if you are the best-looking woman he's been with, and you're sweet and funny on top of it, he'll date you anyway."

      True, but you still increase your odds with ALL men (including him) by never having sex on the first date.

      "You might SAY a woman shouldn't have an online profile that goes so and so but men goes for women with profiles like that."

      What kind of women?

      "I agree that sometimes it may happen in SPITE of what you do, but there is not always any way of knowing."

      True, but try the things I recommend repeatedly and I think the results will speak for themselves.

      "For example did my best friend sleep with a man on a first date before he left the country - he moved back and started dating her. If they hadn't had the incredible hot night together, he might not have had the memory and the motivation to choose her with so little background."

      I can virtually guarantee that if she didn't sleep with him, and they just made out and talked, he would have been MORE likely to pursue her.

      "My observations say that if you are very attractive relative to him, most of these rules need to go out the window. You must demand less and give more."

      Of course - but I am not trying to show you how to get men far below your own level of attractiveness. I am trying to help you get the ones you want.

      "You say that women should never date guys that are younger, but your actions prove that the only woman you feel for was older than you. You might have been attracted to her in spite of that, but probably not - she had the maturity you needed."

      One of the main reasons I don't go back to her is her age, though I grant that her maturity attracts me. I wouldn't read too much into that situation though - there are a lot of factors at play there.

      Also, I did NOT say that a woman should never date a younger man. I said "I am not saying that you should ALWAYS rule out younger guys, but that you'd be smarter to have a rule against them completely than to have no rule at all concerning age." The best state of affairs is to be VERY cautious when it comes to dating younger men. Very.

      "The bottom line is that I don't know whether to rely on the 5 years dating experience I have and what I've observed from my friends or whether to believe what men tell women they want. I am inclined to believe the latter is what they want the world to look like, not what it is."

      Personal experience is ALWAYS stronger than second-hand stories. All I can say is: try what I suggest, and judge its effect for yourself.

      Delete
  23. Senario- First date. All things have gone pretty well. Dinner, drinks, no lull in conversation. We're walking to the car and I slip my arm into his... Too bold? Not bold enough? Are guys generally a fan of a woman holding his arm in this way?
    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  24. Andrew,

    I am a 49 year white lady. Had been dating a man my age for about 14 months. We were very happy together. I had intimated that I wanted more, to move in together or get married . He vacilated on this , and then said yes I do want us to live together. A couple of weeks go by and when he thought I was going to have a "talk" with him, thought I was going to break up with him ( I was'nt) He freaked out and said I think we have taken this as far as it is going to go, I said you want to break up and he said I think it is for the best. I simply said thank you. He then emailed me and said he never wanted to break up, that he loved me and please lets talk. We did. I told him that I didnt know if I would be able to be packing my bags to go see him every weekend for the next 5.10.15 years. He had only come to my house twice. I live in a small studio. When I asked him would you want to come to my house and pack and unpack for the next 5.10. 15 years, and he said if you had a nice house I would. Wow. I said F/U and hung up. He emailed me saying he was so sorry to hurt my feelings, I was right to be angry, and he is an idiot and that I deserve much better. (I do) but I do love him.and I know he loves me. He was married twice and both women cheated on him. I have my own truct issues to, and he knew that. What to do, what to do , Andrew? I would like to talk to him. I have not had any contact for almost a week. I really would like to see this work out. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hi Andrew,


    I want to cut my Ex boyfriend off, but we bought a dog together.
    The deal was, My daughter tries to champion the dog at AKC. When the dog is championed, we breed her for 1 litter of puppies and then my Ex keeps the dog as his pet. This was verbally agreed to in the beginning with the breeder and my Ex.
    Right now, the dog is still in the showing phase.
    I hate having to send him updates on her shows...he has not asked for the dog yet...
    We also still have a bit of unfinished business...He promised to make a Pinewood Derby car with my son. The race is this Friday and he has not given back the car (which he said he was working on.) I thought I should be polite to invite him to the race... but he has not responded. He claims he will give my son the car this Thursday. Otherwise, no contact from him.
    I want to cut him off, but keep feeling that I should be polite and keep him updated on the dog & the Derby. (+ he still owes me money on the dog.)
    What shall I do? I want to move on, but feel I have obligations to my daughter & the dog breeder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I forgot to mention that I broke up with him a few weeks ago after dating a year because I felt he was pulling away and not sexually interested in me anymore. It would have been better to cut him off completely but I keep writing to him about the Dog and the Derby. I feel stupid to do this because I know he has no interest me and it puts the "power" in his court. But I have done so for the sake of my children (who really liked him.)

      Delete
  26. Ok , new update, My Ex gave the Derby car back (dropped it off, we never saw each other.) the car won first place. Discovered that my son accidentally left the 1st car I made him at My Exs house and now I really want THAT car back! (it had won a prize too and is sentimental.) I included a short note asking for it with my son's thank you note and he has not responded. Now what?

    ReplyDelete
  27. What about me that make guys put me on the “option” category instead of making me their priority?

    I am 27 year old and grew up in a traditional/religious background where marriage is very important. I believe dating is to find marriage partner. I make my stand clear to all guys (that I am looking for someone I can get married too), yet time after time I find myself just hanging. Maybe I am impatient but very few guys have given me priority. It is understandable if things don’t work out but at least give the time & attention to figure out if it’s going to work or not. Majority of the guys can’t seem to be bothered to move me out of “casual date” phase (no I am not sleeping during casual date). On top of that, I find myself surrounded by EX often who just want to “hang out”. I don’t understand when I have such a clear mindset & express it, how can I find myself in gray area over and over again.

    What about me that keeps man away from committing. They don’t seem to have problem keeping in touch with me on a friendly base, even throwing in few hints that “we still exist”. How can I attract the type a man who is serious about settling down and is man enough to make a decision without gazillion dates.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kera, I'm not Andrew and I'm not making ANY statement about you but several things to honestly but kindly consider, based on female friends and cousins I've talked to about this, are:

      1) Are these guys not looking for commitment in general? e.g. players Maybe there are some commitment-minded good guys that aren't as flashy that actually are interested in you that you could give another look at?

      2) Are you going for guys that are out of your league? Guys will give attention for girls that they hope to get casual sex from but don't consider pretty enough (or whatever enough) to date long term or marry.

      3) Is your physical appearance about as good as it can get (e.g. as slim as you can healthily get but don't go overboard and get anorexic; fashion, hair, makeup)?

      4) Is your personality and treatment of men agreeable? Andrew may have a post on it but if not see the post on 25 ways to land a boyfriend at hookingupsmart on how women should emotionally escalate and do nice things for guys that show interest in them. Note: don't do this for the players or guys that are out of your league. Only do it for a guy that is reasonably in your league and showing some interest.

      5) What is the age range you interact with or are open to? Maybe go a few years older where men are more likely to be open to commit and are more stable.

      Delete
    2. Thanks HanSolo for answering. Here are my answers:
      1) Many of the guys I am meeting thru an online matrimonial site. So I specifically state in my profile I am looking for someone I can settle down with & most express interest saying they are ready to settle down too, just waiting for the right one. The guys I met in real life are also aware of my stand. 2 guys told “I thought I am ready for marriage but now that it seems so real, I realize I am not”. Everyone else I don’t know, they said they were
      2) I am not having casual sex and I don’t think I am going for guys out of my leagues. If anything I am going for guys way below my leagues. I have even been told off by friends for giving everyone a chance. But then again I could be wrong.
      3) I am definitely 10-15lb over weight. I am working on that and have been working on look/fashion/makeup in recent years. But not a pro at those. But girls uglier than me are constantly getting married.
      4) I looking at man 28-33. Most are around 30 yrs old
      Is it really the extra 15lb that is holding me back??????????????

      Delete
  28. Hi Andrew,

    Question for you: I am reasonably tall - but not excessively so (175cm or 5ft 10). By the law of averages, I am taller than approximately half of men (average height men ~174cm). I like to wear high heels. What do you think about taller (than your date) women in high heels - is this a good thing or a bad thing? Should I be considering flat/flatter shoes in circumstances where I know I will be taller, or should I stick with a good thing, but be prepared to kiss them leaning down? What is the male perspective on this issue - is it intimidating/undesirable/other?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Read the posts under the tag "heels"

      Delete
  29. Here goes. I was 18 he was 20, he asked me to marry him and before we could I returned home to Calif. Over the next few years he tried to get in contact with me, also came to Ca a few times I found that my cousin never gave him my ph or address. He contacted me about 2 yrs ago and we have been speaking every day or so since. We still feel the same. So. What does it mean when a gentleman says 'you are his lady'? I mean coming from a man's perspective. We are both single now and older ..smile. I have been out of the relationship loop for a long time.
    Thank you for your time and response.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know but I do know that long distance only works temporarily. If you've been talking for 2 years and no one has moved, it sounds like it isn't going anywhere.

      Delete
  30. What do guys think about girls going to tanning booths? Do they like a girl who is tan or is it more of an individual taste thing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Men don't think anything about women GOING to tanning booths, but they have a variety of opinions about how you look as a result. In general, if you are tanning I am assuming you don't look super pale afterwards, so your only possible fuck up is to overdo it. Therefore, err on the side of less.

      Don't turn into one of those jersey shore guidos.

      Delete
    2. Andrew,

      You have mentioned taking care of body and health many times before. I think it's worth adding that tanning booths are unhealthy. While we all look undeniably better with a tan, you should ask yourself whether or not it's worth it to look a bit better right now, or a lot better than most women 10 years from now. Obviously I'm implying that over-exposure to UV Rays will prematurely age you.

      Delete
  31. Hi Andrew - can you give advice on how to deal with your partner's friend(s)? My husband has a friend who is super offensive, misogynistic, a sexual harasser of women who work for him, invasive when he comes to visit (we all know each other from school, are all American, and we live within a few hours of him in Canada), just all over an a$$hole and jerk. He's not rude or mean to me per say, but he is EXHAUSTING to be around, dominates every inch he surrounds, brags on and on about the 19 year olds and married women he sleeps with, and my husband isn't at his best when he visits or calls. Nothing TOO horrible, but, well, a major inconvenience and my husband and I always fight when he's visiting/just has visited. Is my willing to be around him enough? My husband knows I am not his friend's biggest fan, and acknowledges that he is tiring, a little weird, but remains to be friends with him due to their long time knowing each other and US-in-a-foreign-country-thing. Any advice on how to deal with this helps immensely. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Andrew, this blog is killer -- can you offer tips on giving good oral sex from a guy's perspective?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha e-mail me, I have plenty for you. probably too vulgar for the blog. Though... we'll see.

      Delete
    2. ahem.. could i also email you to receive this oral sex tips? please, and thank you

      Delete
    3. *these oral sex tips...

      Delete
    4. I actually drafted a post about this last night that I would be happy to share via e-mail. Not sure if I'll post it or not.

      Delete
  33. Andrew,

    Isn't a man's primarily goal always to get in your pants regardless of the fact that he may want to date you or not? In some of your posts/comments you mention that a guy who genuinely likes you wouldn't agressively try to sleep with you, whereas I read in different other blogs, that they instinctively will try to sleep with you and along the lines (more likely if you make them wait for it) they may consider you as something serious or develop attachment towards you. How do you feel about that?

    Also, does a man who thinks about you will automatically contact you or will he sometimes hold back to portray independance or to "test you"? It is often said that men are simple and whenever they feel like contacting you they will.. but I often think men must be analytic as well.. for instance someone like you must "pace" their moves and you must not always act based on compulsions? In the affirmative, do you think that a majority of men do that subconciously or they intentionaly "hold back" or "test" the situation, just like woman do when they intentionaly do not initiate contact?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hello Andrew,

    I was researching some information and decided to click on your site. I'm a mature woman who was dating a much younger man exclusively for three years. He recently broke-up with me because he said I was too jealous and insecure, but what it really was is that I was informing him of his inappropriate actions which he didn't like hearing, so he broke-up with me after many arguments. As hard as it was, I completely cut him off one month ago and now I know it was the best thing to do by your information in an article I just read. His family treated me wonderful and I fell in love with them too. I still received emails, phone calls, and texts on how I am doing. Since I am back at the gym and keeping myself busy with friends, I have not had the desire to contact him even though at times I'm saddened by the fun times we use to have. My question; should I cut-off his family too?

    Keep up the great job!


    Sincerely,


    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  36. Hey Andrew, I'm a 17 year old high school girl with a huge crush on this guy who I know for a year now. He is very confident, funny and talks to and even hugs his 'female friends' but when it comes to me he doesn't really say much. He just gets really quiet.. More demure, more toned down, more awkward. Most of the times I have to initiate a conversation with him. Heck, I have to even keep the conversation going! He doesn't ask how I am or how my day is going, he just listens to me blabber. And it's hard for me too, to keep talking, just so that he doesn't go away. I'm confused whether he's just shy or he doesn't like me. Also, our friends tease us a lot together, and I catch him smiling, blushing and looking away when they do. Also, when he look into each other's eyes, I can definitely sense there is something cause he smiles A LOT! When we are alone together, there is some flirting, and we have fun but in a group, he's kinda showing off, ignoring me and I'm just left hanging. We just started texting a few days ago, and just like in school, he doesn't text me first, but if I do, he replies quickly and most of the times, our conversations are cute!
    I'm so confused about these mixed signals.

    So finally does he like me and he's shy or is he just not into me? If he's shy, how do I bring him out of his shell?
    I really want to be with him in a relationship but I'm not able to gauge his feelin

    ReplyDelete
  37. How many days is too long for a guy to ask you for a third date? It's been almost a week. Should I write him off and cutt him off at this point :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most definitely yes. Move on to someone else or focus on yourself. This guy has. And if he contacts you again, it is not because you are his first choice. And who needs that anyway?

      Delete
  38. Hi Andrew,

    I have learned so much while reading your post. I now have to knowledge needed to interact with guys I meet for the first time. When I go out I look terrific!

    AboutMe: I'm a black british female 25yrs old. very religious

    However, my problem is with a guy from church I've known since we were in our early teens. In the last year I noticed him staring at me. At first he would look away when I caught him but now he's been more bold and not looking away. He's been hovering around me. I turn around and he'll be there.

    He barely talks to me and he's a very confident guy - lot of girls like him including a good friend of mine. They often text and speak on the phone although he hasn't asked her out yet.
    A few years ago he really upset me so although he's attractive and a decent man, I can't get past what he did.

    My question: is it possible that he's interested to me now after all this time? Or is he trying to come close so he can apologise?
    What should my next step be? Ignore or confront him?

    ReplyDelete
  39. I need your advice please. I've been dating someone for the past five month when he broke up with me after i told him that i was going to visit my uncle with my parents cause he is very jealous and doubtful...he was out of the country for one week ...so i was surprised when i left my uncle's house to see that he sent me messages saying that i was offline for 2 hours and i didn’t open my phone and since when i have an uncle...i tried to explain myself and i even told him that i love him so much why would i lie...i never lied before and i would never do it...so he said that i always do strange things when he's away...which is not true at all since i know myself...the second day he sends me bunch of whatsapp messages saying that i don’t care about him to not check my phone and whatsapp and to stay offline for 2 hours and that he believes i am not used to any kind of commitments...and since when i have an uncle...and that he needs someone honest and mature ....and after that he told me to forget about him and move on...i was so upset but i told him ok as u wish...and i went no contact for 5 days ..when i couldnt take it but sent him i miss u if u care to know...so i tried to explain and he said that i helped him make that decision and then i asked to see him and talk whenever he's ready...after 3 days we met as per my request, and i told him how much i love him that i don’t wanna lose him why wouldnt i be caring....he insisted on me not being caring enough...so i asked him could it be that you're giving that issue a big deal because you already wanna break up with me. he said i wouldn't be here talking if this what i wanted...(P.S. the reason i asked this is that i am separated and i have two kids but he always said he doesnt care he loves kids and he'll love them bcz of me) ... but sometimes he's scared that my ex won't leave us alone since am going through divorce and my ex doesnt want that divorce...

    Anyway, after we finished talking i asked having another chance together...he said i need to think and get back to you we wont get back together today...2 days after he called me and was a bit sarcastic saying dont get mad now and dont stress out but it's a tough decision since am attached to you ,couldnt get anywhere and I need more time to think…so i got upset.and told him take ur time and hanged up ...so I thought what did i do that bad to make him think about this relation and what upset me more is that i felt that he's been taking me for granted ...so i sent him a msg straight after saying i'll make it easy for you and make that decision… each one shoul find his way and better be apart and broke up with him ...he was a bit surprised saying " very interesting" then when i said i dont need more torture in my life he said as u wish..gd luck...and i went no contact again and it's been 4 days now... i miss him a lot ...but i think i should not call him anymore...please advice me what to do I needhelp...i want him back but I don’t wanna initiate it ...

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  41. Hi I have been reading your blog and I love it. I am married and happy, but I have been thinking a lot about human attraction especially in relation to our evolutionary past. I was thinking that the reason women are attracted to bad guys is because those were the characteristics needed to bring home the biggest prey in a hunter-gatherer system. I do not know if it is true or not, but it is an idea.

    My question to you is what do you think men are hardwired to be attracted to in women. What is their biologically hard wired soft-spot.


    Here I wrote about women's soft spot: http://homesweetrijswijk.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/why-women-like-bad-boys-and-the-nice-guy-finishes-last/
    --

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hello Andrew,

    I just read your blog on the "No contact rule" and I wanted to know if I made a mistake in my recent action. I am 29, Jamaican/American, Florida, I'm a waitress/cashier, and a struggling actress. The guy I was seeing is 25, Hispanic/White, I assume struggling musician/producer/composer full time, and also from Florida. We met online and had conversation, went on a few dates. Thinking that he wanted more with me because that is what he told me. I was sexually intimate with him. And when I talked to him about slowing down because I wasn't ready to have intercourse just yet. He began to make excuses as to why he couldn't do that and subsequently never called me again. It's been about 3 weeks, and I had erased his number right after our last conversation so I haven't been calling or texting him at all. But your article struck me because I re-registered on the dating website I met him on and left him a message explaining how the situation hurt me. And that I felt like he didn't have to lie to me to get what he wanted. That he did misrepresent himself with his words, and that I feel foolish and a bit embarrassed that I was intimate with him. I basically fell for his game hook, line and sinker. I have never experienced this specific situation in dating so this is very new (pain) to me. I ended with it by expressing that I was really liked him and I though he felt the same, but now I realized I was just being used. He didn't like me enough. I wish I could tell you the conversations what I was hearing to help you better understand why I would think he wanted more. But my question is did I f*** up not looking pathetic by trying create my own closure and telling him he hurt me? I will admit that I still very attracted to him and would have liked to this go differently so part of me wants him back but I know logically that will never happen. And there is nothing I can do about it. I just kind of regret what happened since what he told he wanted was never really intended for me. I know I deserve better, I'm just human and I can't lie that I'm working through these emotions and thoughts at this time. But what do you think? was that a rookie move? (btw way I am no longer on the same dating site)
    Sorry I broke the word count rule.

    ReplyDelete
  43. continuation of the above question...I just wanted one last question to see what you think. Would you say that a man pulling away from a women after sexual intimacy was just him using her? or him not being sure if she is worthy of more.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hi. I broke up with my bf of a year just last year. I initiated it cuz I believe (dumb) that he stopped loving me after a quarrel. I went to him to fix it but he was already cold and distant and drove me to the break-up. We had extra baggage; I was still talking to my ex and he still finances his ex medical bills. However before we stopped talking to each other before Xmas last year he explicitly told me he'd be free of his promise to her in 6 more months. He also said that he wanted to concentrate on his work and self-improvement (he's socially inappropriate/too brutally honest). We live in different state fyi. After more than 4 months of silence I finally gather courage to call him to ask how he was doing. As I figured he was aloof and cold. I'm 33 yrs old and he's 38. I'm also his real 1st gf since the previous one was initiated by his ex and he wasn't particularly interested. I'm his 1st kiss and 1st love. Trust me, he said he never kissed or hold her hands. I guess he really just wants to help her. I wouldn't have believed it but during our 1st few weeks together he never once kiss me till I finally had to. We're both chinese and have massive cultural differences. I'm moderate romantic and he's practical. He's ultra conventional and really just your average weird guy who's fancied a couple of woman earlier in his life but never pursues. I've had one serious relationship for 10 yrs and had a few lovers over the years and used to be severely depressed but anymore cuz of him :). I really love this guy. How do I make him forget the past and give us another try? Help....................................

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hey man, found your site by searching Google for an answer on how many people to say I've slept with and since have become transfixed on your insight. A pure joy. I was wondering though, this site seems to be more geared towards women rather than men. Not saying I have massive trouble but a few pointers couldn't hurt. I was wondering if you knew of any sites similar to this, geared towards men?

    Thanks and keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Try www.postmasculine.com and

      http://animusempire.com/

      Delete
  46. Personally...I feel that its best to leave all communications alone..and see if time can sort things out...reason for this...is I was told I was "abusive,arrogant,and a ..controller"above other things...my ex-girlfriend was going through tough family times,and her family actually encouraged her to...break off with me...after 4 plus years...living in the same town..we did...we were sitting down to coffee in a resturant,when she just went on with her ...verbals on how she wanted life...and actually forced me(though I didnt want to)...get up and walk away....later a text message came through to me stating..."I also didnt think this relationship was going to work..."...I replied..."I didnt want to break it off,you did..maybe you will eventually realize what youve done..."...and I havent contacted her since,and also changed my contact no...she knows how to get in touch with me,but for just on 6 months...hasnt..and I feel she may have gone back to live with her ex-hubby,as they have a house,which is partially hers still...thats not my scene,she doesnt want to lose it,and wants to make sure he doesnt muck it up...I know where it is,but have decided to...keep away...
    In all,yes I still love her,but the emotional side is gradually going..and as Im over 60,and shes over 50...Im not bothered to "look around for someone"...not that type...I prefer to keep myself clean from anything I dont need....
    Hope all who read this,will get something out of it....take care..enjoy summer.....I am from the Southern Hemisphere by the way...way down South....she is British...lovely lass,but well.....I must go on...

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  47. Hi Andrew.I've just visited this site today and I must say,you have nailed every blog.However,I'm going through this weirdly complicated situation with this guy and I strongly feel that you might be able to help me with this.I'm sorry but it's a bit too long.
    This libra guy and I were really good friends at start and then we felt attracted to each other.He has taken me for long walks at nights,taken me to his fav concert,went as my date for a ball party on my birthday and we spent 8 hours at a stretch watching shooting stars at night. However,few weeks after our ball date,one of my classmates asked me out.I told the libra guy about this and he asked me what I would answer him and I said,”I'll tell him the truth that I like someone." Boom! He became pale and weird(kinda cold). Also,I admit,I added fuel to the fire. I teased him saying that I am the only girl he talks to and spends so much time with.Now obviously that pricked his male ego too hard.He got all defensive.Then he became all distant and he isolated himself from everyone.He told me that it was some monetory issue(which as true).Then my friends told me that maybe he felt I like someone else but him.So I decided to tell him how I feel and one of my friends texted him saying that I like him(I didn’t want him to do that).So I told him that I had something to tell him and he was curious to know but I told him “Not today.I need a special moment for that.” He started avoiding me the next day onward.No response to my calls/texts.We would bump into each other quite often because of same class timings.However,we would accidentally meet just thrice or 4 times a week.That’s it.2 weeks later,he said”I have changed because I needed more space.I can’t just stick to one person and I need to have more friends.We can be very good friends but I don’t want you to wait for me after classes or exams.”Then I defended myself and said it’s not what he thinks.Then he said,”Im sorry I misunderstood but I just feel as if I’ve been seeing you too much everywhere I go,lately.” We reached the library and he said”Plz don’t let this get to your heart.I just want to focus on academics.You’re ok,right?” I was deeply hurt but I smiled and said yes and I left.We had our finals next week and dining together after every exam had become our habit.So he stood in front of me after our 2nd last exam but I ignored him because he said that he didn’t want me to wait.Then I big bye to my friend and he came running to me and asked me for dinner.I said sure and I ran into one of our good mutual guy friend.I asked him if he was eating alone and I told him that we’ll join him for dinner.He got totally mad at me and it was visible on his face.He didn’t speak to anyone and didn’t even look at my face.However,he still came to the next day after our last exam but I ignored him too badly and he joined other guys.I realized I was came out too strong so I texted asking about his exam and he didn’t respond.A week later,he came to me while I was dining with friend and he asked me about my summer plans,wished me a happy summer and left.It was just courtesy I guess.We had decided to take May courses together and stay in the same dorm.However, I had to cancel that plan in the last minute and go home.He was unaware and he thought I was still doing it.Then 3 weeks later,I chatted with him on fb and asked him how was the may course going.He immediately uploaded his prof pic with him standing in between 2 girls and his friends standing behind him and then he replied me after half an hour saying it was great and he asked me about home.Now I didn’t tell him that I was home so I funnily said”Home?Now look who called me a stalker.”He didn’t reply to that and we didn’t chat after that and it’s been more than a month.
    I really like this guy and I want to know why all of this happened.Where did I go wrong? And did he ever have feelings for me as more than a friend? And most importantly, how can I fix things and get back things to normal and loving like before?

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    Replies
    1. Also 2 pointers
      1)He has never been in a relationship before.He said that he once asked out a girl in the 6th grade and she publicly rejected him which is why he took an oath to never get into relationships and just focus on academics.
      2)He is a big time NERD and a 4.0 GPA freak.He is overly competitive(especially with me).So am I but I know to handle things because I've once been in a relationship before.And that reminds me that he used to always make sure that we never sat on the same floor on the library.He said he's unable to focus if I'm around.

      Delete
  48. I'm a female version of you. I can't send you an email for advice. Do you still use therulesrevisited@gmail.com.

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  49. I'm not sure if you'll get this, but really confused by my ex - he broke up with me when we finished college saying he couldn't do LDR and it was unfair on me for him to try because he knew he couldn't - in a way i respected that as he didn't want to hurt me, but it was also horrible.

    That was a month ago..I didn't cut him off (just found your blog!) we met up a couple of times, he said how in love with me he was and we cried whenever we said goodbye...I just don't understand - surely a guy couldn't just cry if he didn't care?

    I tried to decrease contact but he seems to think it's ok to just ring me for a chat/text me whenever anything reminds him of me...but he's my EX! it's hard for me because i still like him so much and we never argued..I might be moving back to his city in september and I have a feeling he is staying in contact to find out if i do, with thoughts that the relationship will continue if I do..

    What do I do? All I'm doing is holding onto the thought that we might get back together..but he's had a chance! Every time we finish talking it's like a break up again and I end up crying...I also don't really have anything to take my mind off things as I've moved back home before finding a job, so he's all that's on my mind...help!

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  50. Get over this guy and move on. He is just giving you excuses. He doesn't like you enough to make it work, but he likes to keep you around 'just in case'. You better believe that he has his options open, while you are crying and writing posts on a forum.

    Believe me, men are simple creatures. When they want you, they will move heaven and earth to make it work. He doesn't like you enough to do that. He would rather be with other women. You put him too high on a pedestal for breaking up with you. He just told you that he wanted to break it off...or he would cheat on you. Basically, you weren't worth it.

    He probably cried because he felt bad for you. Breaking up with someone is uncomfortable. Also, he probably got used to having you around. He let you go because he wants to do better for himself. You are not the one. Get all the delusions out of your head. A woman can make excuses upon excuses, when she doesn't want to let go. Just stop. You are only hurting yourself.

    You may have no control over him breaking up with you. But you have control over your own response. So, stop talking to him...period. Tell him to stop contacting you and act on it. Stand up for yourself, or no one else will.

    Who cares why he is staying in touch? He didn't want you, when it wasn't convenient for him. What kind of stable relationship are you hoping to get out of this? Get him out of your mind now, or suffer needlessly for longer. Be strong, woman! Stop playing dumb. You shouldn't need a forum to decipher someone that truly wants you in their life.

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  51. Gosh, reading your blogs makes me feel so disheartened about dating and men in general!

    I mean I honestly appreciate your bluntness but it's only made me more frightened about getting back out there especially when there are all these criteria and rules that need to be met and upheld. Where is this notion of being true to yourself?

    I'm a girl who had suffered extremely low self esteem and change that by becoming more assertive, logical, blunt and just true to my self and my desires (taking men out of the equation), which to you, might be considered masculine and therefore unnattractive to men. That being said, i'm not not-feminine, i'm thin, I look after myself and know how to dress. Problem is i've been the ultra-feminine, open and receptive girl in past relationships yet it hasn't worked (and it made me feel weak and powerless later), hence me trying my confident, assertive approach (not working either).

    Where is the middle ground?

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  52. Dear Andrew,
    Thank you for amazing place! It's so helpful in understanding oneself and others.
    I have a question, why do some woman find it almost impossible to feel happy being single? It's like life stops on a breakup and starts again only when a new relationship begins. Why do some woman find it almost impossible to feel happy and satisfied with life if they're not in a relationship?
    Thanks!

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  53. I have a question. How do you date a guy who is a friend of yours? Like how does no contact work with guy who is your friend and how do you know if he likes you when you mostly talk in text.

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  54. My man got laid off from his job, and it's really taken a toll on the intimacy in our relationship. Finding a new job consumes his thoughts and time. I understand why and try to be encouraging for him during this dark time in his life. It feels like there's a gap between us, and I am at a loss of what I can do to cheer him up. Is this something that I just have to ride out and let him figure out on his own?

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  55. Hi Andrew,

    Just found your blog...would appreciate your advice if possible...here's some history
    I met my first love @23...him 27. We went on a few dates and trips for few months, no full on intimacy...then he broke it off the week after I attended a girl friends wedding...months/year went by and he got back in touch and I lost myself to him @29...I thought we were in a serious relationship until one day two months later @ a company event some guy hit on me and my first love suggested that I go out with that guy and see how I feel since I had no other experience with men.

    I was torn because …reality hit my first love informed me that our relationship was of the kind FWB...I immediately broke it off and sinked into depression for 6 years. I finally lifted myself up from deep ocean BLUE @35. Note: from 33-35 we got back in touch and kept in touch via phone once a month as friends. @35 he wanted to hang out so we see each other every 2 months or so...no intimacy. @37 two months before he is about to leave town for the East Coast to be with his aging parents for the next five years, we kissed several times bid our goodbyes agreed that we would go our separate ways because our relationship agenda were different.

    Well here come's what bothering me…he's now back East for few months now...he calls me often which leads me to think that we are in a relationship...during several calls he started having intimate moments online which I ignored pretending to be otherwise occupied… I told myself to say something if he does so again…which he did and even go so much to ask me join to in...which I calmly asked ' are we back together?' or are we 'just friends'?' ...he answered 'friends friends'…dumbfounded… I told him to stop because I don't want to have that kind of relationship...emotionally and psychologically I can't handle it stuttering the entire time 'I have self-respect for myself…I deserve better...if he continues we can no longer be friends because I really thought of him as a family outside my immediate family'...
    He apologized after hearing me out but still goes on to call me now and then...

    Now Andrew you had talked about a 6 month cooling period in one of your blog post about making friendship work...how do I go about proposing a 6 month or one year no communication so I can detach myself emotionally from him without hurting his feelings?

    I feel I really need to give my self a chance I've been stuck in this rut since 23 and I'm going on 38...that's 15 years of caring deeply for someone and we're not even attached by paper work...what is your advice...if any I'd really appreciated...because often lately I find my self dripping silent tears...

    and a little background I can't talk to my close female family members about this because they still think I'm pure…I don't want to be condemned or judged by them...I've already beat myself up enough for the choices I made@29…and I don't have any male figures(other than him) in my life I can turn to for advice... even if you don't get a chance to reply...I still want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read this post. All my best!

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    Replies
    1. Andrew, sorry for the long post earlier, no need to reply...I found inspiration on how to deal with my situation from your advice to other bloggers and Charlotte Hajat's post up above. Thanks again for this blog.

      Delete
  56. i just discovered this blog. am reading every single post. this info is priceless. THANK YOU.

    is it too late if i've already slept with a guy on the first date? ugh.

    C

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  57. So I'm confused by men. Maybe you can help me out here. I dated a man for about a year and a half. We broke up not because of conflict of emotions but because he was feeling overwhelmed by grad school, money, and work. He felt that he could not handle a "serious relationship" and handle all of the rest of his life. So, he decided that it would be easier to give up the thing that was most forgiving, aka me. He said something around the lines of, "If we had met later down the road when I was financially secure we probably would have gotten married." My question is, is this real or is he just making up an awesome excuse to get out of our relationship? He definitely still has feelings for me. So why not just struggle through his issues together? Isn't it easier to be in it together than alone?

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  58. Can I ask you for advice?
    I dont want to pay anything, nor do I wish to waste my time writing a message that you wont reply to, so I would like to ask you if I may have had a bad reaction to something that happened between me and my girlfriend.

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  59. Dear Andrew,
    My question is quite simple I broke up with my boyfriend 5months ago and after reading your blog I was totally convinced by the no contact rule, however I have been doing the complete opposite by sending emails and demanding answers. Do think it is too late to apply the rule? have I got any chance of wining him back if I follow your rules? Thank you

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  60. Dear Andrew
    I met a guy last year om May ,, we dated for 3 months and for some reason he stop text me ,,I tryed to contact him but nothing comes back from him so i thought that was it ,,But since then i never stop thinking or dreaming about him every night .. I'm hurt and don't know what to do ,, BTW he email me again after 9 months asking about me ,my answer was short, i did ask him to meet he didn't want to . we still text only just hi , how are you , im fine thats all ,, should i tell him I'm in pain , what should i do??Thak you

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  61. Awesome info Andrew.... here's a ditty for ya...

    What do you say about exes that wont go away? Let's say, for a guy, his ex cheats on him.. they separate (three years apart) and now he's moved on to a new relationship and she all of a sudden wants him back... as the new girlfriend, how would you suggest handling the exes attempts at reconnection? As the guy, how would you suggest handling the exes contacts and mushy messages...thoughts?

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    Replies
    1. I will add, that I am the new girlfriend, he has his own home, (was not their mutual home), but has asked me to move in, I have and am still feeling a bit like I'm sharing him bc her messages wont stop. He tells me, he shows me and I am not questioning where I stand with him at all, I live there and we have a great relationship. I am just bugged bc she isn't giving him any respect with the possibility of his happiness now... I am not insecure with things at all and so far I have been very low key about the whole thing.. however, it's getting old and he feels like being non confrontational bc he is a gentle man and doesn't want to hurt her, but its ultimately disrespectful to him, let alone us...I'm ready to choke her out but clearly that's not the right way to handle things.. do I just ignore it and keep letting it roll or do I tell him to nip it once and for all? I know he can't control her side, but he can control receiving these messages (ie. change phone number, block on facebook, etc)... he figures if he ignores her, she'll eventually go away, but then she sends a neutral message and he responds, which started the process again.... grrr.... so, yeah...

      Delete
  62. Hi Andrew,

    Question: “Is it best to try to have the last say after a guy chooses to breakup by just cutting communication, and does it affect a man when you try to emasculate him?” Also “Can you give examples of how to handle the breakup when it is actually happening in various scenarios?”

    A guy broke up with me once by walking off on me after a date. I was dumbfounded and wanted to have the last say, so a week later I texted him and emasculated him by saying how his dick was small and that he was bad in bed (both of which were true).

    ReplyDelete
  63. Dated a guy for a yr. We broke up bc he couldn't handle a relationship and his problems. He came back 2 months later.Some other MAJOR problem came up within a month which I wont go into. we spoke and he said he doesn't want to keep pushing me away.he is "saving me not trying to hurt me."he has to fix his life before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone. I BLEW UP...which I actually regret now, I wish I had just accepted it and kept it moving. Why come back if you don't care enough to stay? I go back and forth between understanding, blaming myself, and feeling like he is a jerk/played games.

    ReplyDelete
  64. dear Andrew,

    So, men fall in love quickly based on a woman's appearance and deep rooted personality. What if a girl met a guy when she was in a bad condition , maybe because she just experienced a great trauma and is depressed, and he does not fall for her. Then, after a while she cleans herself up, by dressing better,looking better or even PLASTIC SURGERY, and is acting like her true happy self, can he fall for her if they met again?

    another q: if a man sees a woman only as "booty call" is it because she is not physically attractive to him or is it due to personality factors usually (too easy slutty or boring)? is there any way to change his opinion by becoming more fun or dress less revealing? CAN A REALLY HOT girl become just booty call material to a guy ?

    ReplyDelete
  65. Andrew,

    I really want advice and I am willing to pay for it. You always have good insights and I would love to hear it from your point of view. Is it possible and how can we go about into doing so?

    Please let me know, thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  66. I’m into this guy at work, he’s far more superior than me and we don’t get a lot of chance to meet as we work on different stuff. But we met before and that’s this chemistry I can feel he’s nervous around me. Usually he’s all smiles and easy with other people. Recently he made an excuse for me to work for him on something. I’m trying to play it cool but to be honest on the inside I’m melting for him. I know the don’t get your hopes up too early kinda stuff and I’m trying to maintain level headed. The problem is, whenever I see him I just can’t concentrate and be myself. I’m usually a very friendly and warm person to others too, but all that just gone out of the window when he’s around. I can’t even smile as I’m dead serious looking at him whilst guarding my heart at the same time. We make eye contacts and I’m trying to help him the best way I can on this project without asking for anything back as I’m generally a content person who wants to do my best and there’s no problem of me doing the same for him. My concern is, I’m too nervous and I’m falling too fast. We haven’t even started to be honest. What’s your advise? What’s the best way to play it so to speak (not referring to playing games here). I don’t want to fall so fast but I can’t seem to stop myself.

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  67. Dear Andrew.

    What would you say If a guy is always following a girl and texting her. However don't understand why they do not say anything. thank you for your time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ps why would a guy tell you to be silent?

      Delete
  68. What does it mean when a guy says your beautiful but you only just met like 5/10 minutes ago. I usually thought when a guy calls you beautiful that he's usually referring to your personality as oppose to calling your hot or gorgeous which in that case he'd be refrying to physical appearance but a guy approached me in university who is also studying here and we talked for about 5 minutes before I had to attend a lecture. In that time he got my number and texted me that I'm beautiful and if I wanted to go out for drinks afterwards. Is he being genuine or is this just another strategy guys play to get into women's pants?

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  69. How long can a guy possible chase after just sex? Would he bother to waste his time for more than a year if he didn't even like the girl in a least possible way?

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  70. Hey - I love your writing. Would you care for a guest post in my business blog - http://mallofstyle.com/blog

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  71. I was wondering if you could write a post of what guys think about girls with eating disorders? Is it a major turn off factor?

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  72. Hey Andrew,

    I just have a quick question. If a guy knows indefinitely there is no future and likewise due to cultural difference for instance, why does the guy still initiate some form of contact?A brief history. I dated the guy for a year and a half and broke up on amicable terms. I although was very hurt because I liked him a lot. I have since decided that he is selfish because he knows I want something more committal than he was willing to offer me, yet he keeps trying to reel me in. My last question, does he have genuine feelings for me? Or it's because he is horny. He is well established and believe me he can sleep with girls. Any insight will be helpful.

    Thank you

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  73. I just want to know how to keep up with your blog. I happened upon it and bookmarked it but I would like to read regular postings. How do I do that? You are very experienced for a young man. Your words have spoken volumes to me and I am old enough to be your mother!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Enter your email address into the "follow by email" box, which is about halfway down the left side of the site

      Delete
  74. Hi Andrew,
    I'm just curious what your thoughts are on unfriending an ex on facebook after he's broken up with you. I understand the whole cutting off contact thing, so does that include unfriending him? I don't want to come off as immature, but it's hard to move on when I can still check into his life. He unfriended my sister, but not me, which I thought was weird.
    My boyfriend and I dated for 4 months, but he had pursued me for much longer before I decided to date him. It was long distance and we barely saw each other, but he was crazy about me. Saying he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me (even 2 weeks before we broke up). Towards the end things felt a little disconnected and I got the "we need to talk" text which turned into the "I don't know what I want to do. I just need space. I don't want to lose you" conversation. A week went by and he contacted me asking if I was busy, which I was, but he never followed up after that, so I texted him a few days later basically saying that since he was silent that I took it as meaning this is over. He said things like "no, i want this to work, i just felt smothered". That was a week ago and I still have not heard from him and I have not contacted him. In my gut I feel that it's over and he just isn't brave enough to say it. His actions have shown me what he wants, but I'm still hopeful... it was just so out of nowhere (Sorry for rambling! Thought a little background would help to answer the facebook question!)

    ReplyDelete
  75. Hello,
    I am an african american female. I've recently obtained my first boyfriend, (I'm 21), and he is white, 25 and got out of a 4 year relationship where he was living with the girl about a year ago. My question has to do with hair. When I met him I had curly long weave in. He actually complimented me on my hair not knowing it wasn't mine of course. He knows now, but is fine with it. My question is how should I handle when I take my weave out and he sees my natural texture and length? And how might I introduce the concept of wearing a scarf to bed to protect my hair? This is one of my biggest anxieties going into this relationship and I know that this is a question many african american females share when dating interacially...

    PS. My game plan right now is just acting with the utmost confidence even if I don't have it and introducing a silk pillow case into the bed area...

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  76. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  77. Andrew, per your instructions I will be concise. What do men think of women working within the adult industry? I am a stripper that initially chose to pay her way through college. I have my degree now but the lure of money/freedom has kept me stripping.

    However I am wondering if my profession is keeping me from finding a quality man. Is this true?

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  78. Andrew, do you have any suggestions for married women hoping to save their marriage/relationships from porn addiction? By that I don't mean 'casually likes to see some porn, I mean true porn addiction, where the man cannot stop looking and chooses it above sex with a live woman. Or, in other words, how do I get sex with my guy when he's choosing to jack off instead?

    I realize you are not married, but I'm hoping you will still be able to give some insight. Even a look into what is going on in a guys head if he's choosing porn over a girl would be very helpful.

    (Specific to me, I'm very open to everything sexually, even wouldn't mind a threesome. He's said no to everything I've asked, but chooses to watch porn of it instead. Any advice you could give could really really help me. Sorry to give specifics, but up to this point, most advice online that I can find on this is "Have sex with the dude more, you cold fish!" which isn't helpful at all when its a situation like this.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. rehab is a possibility.

      if not, consider divorce.

      Delete
  79. Andrew,

    Was contacted by an ex and he said he still loves me, but he's not stepping up. I still love him terribly. Would an email short and to the point be a good idea.

    I’m going to put myself out there, just this once, and not again. I love you and I’ve never stopped. I wanted to say it on the phone because I thought it would mean a lot more like that, but you haven’t called. And maybe I’m a little old fashioned, but you’re the man and I’m not going to chase you or make that first call. I figure if you want me, you know where to find me. If you still love me, as you said, then you won’t just say it, you’ll show it. And we are adults…we both know what that looks like. Otherwise, I’ll just assume you’re not that into me/us and I’ll keep my options open. I’m just letting you know the ball is in your court.

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  80. what is your email? i know this was posted a while ago do you still respond at all?

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  81. How much effort does a guy put in, and over how long a period of time, before you can be pretty sure he really likes you, not just for something temporary? Thank you so much if you answer, and thank you for making this blog!

    ReplyDelete
  82. Hi Andrew,

    just want to ask, do you still have time to reply email asking for your advice?

    Thanx :)

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  83. Hi Andrew

    I started reading your blog recently and I've found it quite insightful (seriously…well done!)
    I need some urgent advice as I seem to have got myself in a pickle. It’s long - PLEASE bear with me!
    I met a guy about 3 years ago - the circumstance was that I needed some legal help and I turned up at his office desperate, in tears! He was really helpful and kind, went out of his way to help and we got to know each other over several visits to his office. I was very vulnerable at the time so he didn't say anything but when things got a bit better, he let on that he liked me. I liked him too obviously but wasn't sure how to react because of the working dynamic. He didn't do much about it though. He's about 20 years older (I'm in my mid-twenties) so I guessed he was conscious of the gap.
    A few months later, we went for a drink and he let on that he had a girlfriend and they recently bought a house together. I was disappointed but not so shocked as it explained why he didn't act on his feelings. I couldn't even get angry as he hadn't 'done' anything. But the ‘chemistry’ between us was undeniable. ‘If we had the chance, we’d stay up all night talking’ kind of relationship. He stared at me like he was in love with me. I thought 'why not just break up with her??' He also didn't seem very happy about the relationship. I didn't want to suggest it and didn't want it to be 'for me' so I did nothing. We obviously had strong feelings for each other but were trying to settle into friendship. Which seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. In all this time, we had no physical contact (I think we hugged once when the legal stuff was successful)
    Then few months later, he told me his girlfriend just had a baby! Suddenly everything made sense - this part made me angry! How could he not mention that before? I think I was already in love with him by then and confrontation is not my strong suit so I tried to be a 'friend'. He shared photos and I was genuinely happy for him. I should say from the beginning, It fell on me to maintain boundaries. He made it obvious that I just had to say the word and things would get physical. But I just couldn't bring myself to cross that line and there are so many factors against us, it didn't make sense. But I couldn't bear being 100% without him so our weird friendship seemed ok.
    After the baby was born, we reduced contact and he told me he was trying to make things better at home. He apologised for being distant and I gave him space. It wasn't pleasant but it was ok as I thought maybe now we'll finally become just friends. We didn’t!
    (continued...)

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  84. We checked on each other every few months and met up for coffee maybe 3 times after they had the baby. Their relationship improved and he seemed happier.
    BUT last time I saw him, I was having a pretty stressful time and my guard was down. Our drink turned into a date and before I knew it we were walking to my place in the rain, holding hands. Things escalated quickly :-( It didn't go all the way but we both knew we were crossing the line.
    After that, he just went back to normal. He didn't make much effort to contact me. I wrote him a few times and we'd have a text conversation like we used to have before. But things obviously changed for me. (It was amazing! and suddenly being with him seemed like a possibility in my head…lol) I decided we need to talk and the best way is to really end this and get some closure. He's been so nonchalant about the whole thing that it's taken about 2 and half months to successfully plan to meet up. Today, he called and can only make it at 11pm (meaning he has to come to my place) and I've said ok as I can't bear waiting any longer. I'm a little worried this conversation won't go as planned as I have zero strength where he's concerned (I think I come across a lot stronger to him) and I don't know what to do!
    PS - he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am and we turn into teenagers around each other.

    I just can't seem to figure out if it's just something fun on the side for him during some kind of mid-life crisis or if he goes through the same emotional turmoil I do. Sometimes he seems genuinely torn, other times he just seems like he's just into me physically and trying his luck to see if I'd give in. He seems more the latter as time goes on. And I know from now catching up is no longer just coffee, his tone has changed gradually and our ‘special bond’ has been watered down. I think he’d like to come over whenever he can and I definitely don’t want to be some kind of mistress. I’m aware the relationship won’t go anywhere and have always tried to get on with my life but just can’t shake him off.
    I'm not so good at playing games and not very experienced with men. I prefer to ask outright as I'm quite emotionally invested..not to mention I feel like a terrible human being for messing with family unit. I’m sorry it’s a really long post but I hope Andrew or someone else who reads this can offer some advice.
    Thanks in advance!

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  85. Dear Andrew,

    How is your book coming along?

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    1. Extremely well. I am probably a couple weeks away from a completed draft, which will then need editing. I am at about 45,000 words right now, but won't be adding too much more (probably trimming down some, in fact). Large parts of it I consider my best work so far. I think readers will like it. Standby...

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  86. Dear Andrew, Just broke up with a guy that went from 0-100 in days…(expressions of love by each, a future, etc…). Don't groan…all on line. But, when he started to cool off, wouldn't answer questions, got snippy, etc… I ended it. But, I still care about him, and want him back. Can you tell me if you think it is possible to bring him back, or have I shot myself in the foot? Thanks, love your advice

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  87. Hi I m 28 and my boyfriend is 31. We are in relationship(on and off)
    from last 4 years. we both love each other but our parents are against
    us. He asked his parents abt us 2 years back and they agreed for us.
    After that he introduced me with his parents and they agreed for me
    for happiness of there son. After 1 year I spoke to my parents. my
    parents dint agree for our relationship as I m jain marwadi and he is
    hindu maharastrian. Somehow I convinced my parents to meet his
    parents. My parents strictly objected our relationship in front of his
    parents. Things went worst after that. He stopped talking to me. His
    parents are aggressively searching girl for his marriage. I told him I
    ll convince my parents give me sometime, He said he doesn’t not have
    any more time. His parents are old and are not keeping well. He wants
    to get married as early as possible as per his parents choice. I truly
    love him and want to spend my life with him. cnt imagine my life
    without him. I m trying everyday to convince my parents even I m ready
    to marry him without my parents approval but he is not ready for it.
    How do I convince him to marry me and don’t give up on me. Please help
    me I m left with very little time.

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  88. Hi Andrew,

    My boyfriend of about 10 months recently broke up with me whilst we were at a party, on holiday to attend his sisters' wedding. He was drunk and high at the time and the conversation continued into the morning, but after, didn't change his mind, saying "he just wants to be alone" and yep, "it's not you, it's me". We were not living together and he made me fly home alone, even though we were supposed to fly home together. I did not contact him, nor did we speak for two weeks, until I called him to let him know one of my friends would come around to collect my things at his house. The phone call was absurdly normal and I didn't cry nor get angry, it almost seemed like we were a old, divorced couple who were now friends and I was just arranging to pick up some stuff. It was crazy! The break up was unexpected, our friends, families, and everyone around us is shocked. I do not know what to do. This guy chased and chased me after I played the 'let him make first contact' game and he asked me to be his girlfriend after about a month, and told me he loved me after two months. He seems like he doesn't know what he wants and I can't believe he went from being so serious to absolutely nothing literally in the space of 12 hours. I have no closure, no consolation and no idea what to do. I'm finding it very hard to move on. Help.

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  89. Andrew! My ex just texted me on Facebook. She wrote something like "You will always be my special boy, my first real love. For the rest of my life". What should I answer her? Last time she wrote to me I was all over myself and scared her away in just 2 weeks by being clingy and needy.. Don't wanna scare her away again this time! Thanks :)

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  90. I met this guy during our freshman year in high school and started dating, until we eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. He is very shy (but also very stubborn). The thing is, that a couple of months later we broke up. He went abroad during the summer and we didn’t talk very much. I was really pissed and my female friends told me to cut him off, as this would make him want to pursue me again.

    we broke up, he said he was sorry and he wanted to make things work, I told him that i respected myself too much to date a guy who was clearly not into me .he got angry with me, and left


    I regretted what i did just a couple of weeks later and tried to casually talk to him at school, but he was clearly angry so I backed off
    We ignored each other for months, even though we had many friends in common, but slowly we started talking again and became friends

    The thing is, last night we were at a party and we were both drunk. We made out. He said he still cared for me, that he had always cared, that it was not easy for him seeing me every day at school and pretend he didn’t. He told me he made a mistake that he was too immature two years ago, and that he wanted to make things work this time. I told him that we were both clearly too drunk to have that conversation at that very moment, and we should probably speak tomorrow.

    He texted me in the morning, telling me he was sorry for being that drunk and that we needed to talk. Today I saw him at school but from the distance. It seemed all of our classmates interested in the details of our “reconciliation” (which bugs me very much as it puts extra pressure on the situation). I haven’t talked to him anymore, and I’m doing my best not to text him asking him if he wants to meet for a chat. My sister keeps telling me that I shouldn’t call him as “he has to work for it” However, she says that this guy is not the type of guy that would tell me all of those things if he didn’t mean it.

    Im confused, and im freaking out over the situation. I don’t know what to do. Will he think im slutty because I made out with him drunk? (i come from a rather conservative country :/) (im 18 years old)

    Thanks !

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  91. Hi,

    I met this guy 2 days ago in a bar and we danced. He asked me to go home with him that night but I kindly said no. He then asked for my number, and thru txts he asked me to go to dinner with him the next day, yesterday, and it was his treat. I went to the dinner, then I went to his house watched a movie with him. I ended up staying over and we had sex. Altho I didnt have sex with him on the first night, but i did on the second day.. Am I still considered as attractive to him? What should I do now? I really liked him. Before we had sex, he asked me if i wanted to have sex with him, I said that I didnt want it to be an one-night stand. He said "I know. We can date, we get along pretty well." But he has not contacted me since he dropped me off this morning at my place.

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    1. Hi Pamela
      "Am I still considered as attractive to him?"

      Yes. His physical attraction to you is formed irrespective of when you have sex with him. So he was either attracted to from the start or he wasn't. However, some guys do hold it against a woman if she has sex too quickly, whereas others don't. You have no way of knowing which guy he is so don’t bother worrying about it.

      "What should I do now?"

      Nothing. If he wants to see you again he will contact you. If he doesn’t, you just have to suck it up and not have sex the next time until you see clear, tangible indications of his interest.

      He said "I know. We can date, we get along pretty well."

      A guy will say whatever it takes, if he thinks he has a chance of sex: talk is cheap. His actions are what matter.

      ”he has not contacted me since he dropped me off this morning at my place”

      Give it more time. He might be just waiting a day or two so as not to come across as clingy (as well as let you sweat a little bit).

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  92. Hi Andrew,
    My problem is about the guy who I’ve wanted since I was twelve and, now, I’m eighteen. That guy is ten years older and always he has given me an especial attention.
    I only see that boy when I go to Albacete on hollidays to see my grandparents because he lives in other city and I live in Bcn. However, this last summer I spent a night with him. But, after that, I hadn’t the chance to talk with him because anybody could find out what happened. When I returned to Bcn he wrote to me on Facebook asking me How I was and saying that he hoped that my back trip was well. In spite of that, when I asked him the same never I received a answer while he’s putting constantly "likes" on pictures where I’m o we’re together. I don’t understand nothing and I would appreciate that you would give me any explication o solution because I wish that he knows that I don't want more that hang out with him but now I feel very bad because he's playing with me and this is very frustratring and makes that I desire to him a lot.

    Thanks for all.

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  93. This comment has been removed by the author.

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