Sunday, August 5, 2012

Femininity, Authenticity and Compatibility

I was on a second date last week, and towards the end of the evening the girl told me "You know what I like about you? You don't ask me what I want." I laughed because although I knew what she was trying to say, it sounded like "I like you because you ignore me." So she clarified: "No, I mean, like when it comes to where we are going or how we are getting there, you are decisive and know what you want. You always check to make sure your decision is OK with me, but you don't need my opinion to have your own. Other guys will constantly ask me what I want to do, even though I really don't care; and then it is just awkward because we go back and forth trying to 'let' each other decide - but I don't want to have to make the decisions."

This girl and I are compatible (in this sense, at least) because I am decisive and comfortable with being in control, while she is laid-back and likes to be taken care of. In this respect, I am very masculine and she is very feminine. We work together. If I didn't take charge and wasn't as decisive, or if she wanted more input than I offered her, we would have problems.

Years ago I used to think that women would like me if I bowed to their every wish. I would constantly fight my natural inclination to take charge in an effort to accommodate the girl's desires - which is probably exactly what my date's previous boyfriends and dates were doing. Like them, I would try to let her choose the time of the date or the restaurant, because I assumed that she cared. And this usually led to the kind of awkward back-and-forth she described. The reality was always that I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the date, but I was so wrapped up in wanting to please her, and so wrong about what she really wanted from me, that I repressed my urge to follow my masculine instinct to take charge.

I say all this in order to draw an analogy for women: in the same way that I didn't realize that women wanted me to let my masculine tendencies govern my interactions with them, many woman don't understand that men want women to let their feminine instincts guide their behavior. By feminine instincts I mean - among other things - a woman's desire to be taken care of, to be protected, to feel small, and to be desired or wanted (rather than self-sufficient). Men love these things about women because it gives us an opportunity to be in control, to protect, or to feel strong and self-sufficient - in other words, to exercise our masculine selves. By suppressing those instincts, you fight your nature and thereby inhibit your ability to attract, love and be loved by a man.

Many women either project their own desires onto men and assume that men want women to be (for example) decisive, powerful and goal-oriented, or else they believe these things because we are all told them by the undercurrents of feminism in modern American culture. However the seeds of the these ideas are planted, the result is the same: these women mask their authentic, feminine selves due to misinformation about what men want.

A simplistic understanding of the advice I offer on this blog would be "be more feminine and you will attract more men." Although this isn't a misunderstanding, it falls short of capturing the whole picture. Women are all feminine in varying degrees (just as men are masculine in varying degrees). Not every woman is the archetype of femininity, and it would be inauthentic for those who are less feminine to force themselves into the strictest "female" mold. However, it is just as inauthentic for a woman to suppress the natural feminine instincts that she does have.

So a better understanding of the advice I give on this blog would be "Allow your natural level of femininity to pervade your personality." If your experience is at all similar to mine, allowing your true sexuality to "drive you" will make you feel much more comfortable with yourself in your interactions with the opposite sex. The interactions will feel more easy and fluid, because you will be acting more in line with your natural instincts. Furthermore, you will start to attract men who are more naturally compatible with you. If you are less feminine, you will attract men that are naturally less masculine, and you will compliment each other better than if you tried dating an extremely masculine guy. Or if you are very feminine, you will stop attracting men who aren't masculine enough for you. You might find that you date fewer men (though I doubt this), but your dates will be more successful and "chemistry" will occur more frequently.

One word of caution: don't confuse "authenticity" with laziness or fear. Not wearing heels because you don't want sore feet shouldn't be excused by telling yourself you "aren't feminine enough" to wear them. Likewise, you shouldn't hide behind unflattering clothes by telling yourself you are a "tom-boy" or that they just attract "the wrong kind of attention," if the truth is that you are afraid to step outside of your comfort zone by wearing sexier, more feminine clothes.

86 comments:

  1. "Not wearing heels because you don't want sore feet shouldn't be excused by telling yourself you "aren't feminine enough" to wear them"

    Going off-topic, but what if it's the man you're dating that tells you "Don't wear heels sweetie, because your feet will hurt from walking all day." ;)

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    1. If he's being sincere and it really is a big pain you can take him up on his offer, but it doesn't mean he doesn't like seeing you wearing them.

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    2. Anon: maybe if you wear uncomfortable shoes or aren't that good at walking in heels, it looks very uncomfortable?
      Try wearing mid-heels and work your way to taller ones, get some better quality shoes or try wedges for a while.

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    3. My heels aren't uncomfortable. I have worn wedges and mid-heels. He still tells me to not wear them.

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    4. This one is easy. He probably doesn't want you to be taller. I'm (relatively) tall, and while I find that it's not a 100% turnoff for a man he generally wants to be the taller one. Part of being feminine is looking up at your guy.

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  2. 4th paragraph is DEAD ON.
    As for the opening, I can't tell you how many convos I've had with women about how annoying it is when the guy is like "Why don't you decide when/ where/ what we're doing?" I'm not even expecting anyone to plan some fantastic date-- "let's meet at bar X at 7:30" is fine. It's the decisiveness. It's not overbearing for a guy to make a decision like that. And when they do the "why don't you plan everything?" it makes it seem like the guy doesn't care.

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    1. It is ironic, then, that men often don't want to make the decisions because they actually care so much that they are afraid to.

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    2. Violet, I agree. I get so frustrated if a guy does this to me. It's kind of rude because it's like he hasn't made any effort to plan anything with you. I also find kind of like they're treating me like a child. When a guy is too nice to me, this is what it feels like. And I'm a fully grown woman, not a little girl.

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    3. Yeah guys make this mistake a lot. They think they are being more equitable and showing respect to the woman by allowing her to make the decision. After all, a guy would certainly want to be consulted if he were in her place. Feminism taught men a lot of bullshit. A woman won't see your deference to her as considerate. She just sees it as weakness.

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    4. I agree. I remember once being very frustrated with a man because he would defer to me a lot--where to go, when, what, wanted me to plan and suggest, wanted me to tell him where I thought things stood between us. No, the "chemistry" never clicked. And I did view him as indecisive.

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  3. Do you know what, I don't understand what all the point of all this primping and preening and wearing heels is for when most women are still not going to get the alpha male they desire.

    Do you not understand there there is no point to this preening unless you literally have to depend on a man to survive as in third world countries?? What incentive does a woman have if even after all this preening she will still only get a male 5 or 6???

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    1. In other words "this is too hard, I'm not even going to try."

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    2. We women preen because it makes us feel good, whether a man is involved or not. And I do it because I feel good when I look good. Try thinking of it that way.

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    3. Yes I completely agree don't think of getting dressed up looking your best is for somebody else. Do this for yourself cause it is true when you look your best you feel your best and therefore are your most favorite confident version of yourself

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    4. Women in third world countries dont need men to survive. Have you checked the list of Latin American female presidents? take a look.

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    5. Women do dress up for men, sure, but the average woman going to a club isn't dressing up for a guy, she's doing it for the other girls. Not as competition, either, just simply to ward off the bathroom comments (that men are never privy to) of "Omgod, did you SEE her outfit? Yeah, she didn't match at all. Why didn't she wear heels? Doesn't she know that flats make her legs look huge? Jeesh, you'd think she'd know how to dress, as pretty as she is."

      This is just a staple of female conversation. Its not as mean or as harmful as people/media make it out to be, it is simply a part of life among females, no matter what. ::shrugs:: We know it, so we try to avoid being the subject of it.

      And btw, anonymous, how you can be so clueless to the plight of women in other countries is astounding to me. Please please do some research. And stop thinking that having a female president automatically makes every woman in that country dependent. :/

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  4. No it's true. Why dress up in this ridculous fashion if you are still not going to attract a particularly better mate. I'm a female 6 and dressing up is not going to net me the man of my dreams. Therefore there is no incentive--- dressing up in heels etc will only net me a marginally better looking/wealthy mate. Therefore it does not pay of and has the added result of making you feel like an idiot in all this makeup/heels etc etc, and not being able to attract anything more than an average looking man.

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    1. No, and I don't think you understand what *women* want.

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    2. If you aren't overweight, then the only reason those things wouldn't help is that you aren't doing them right. There is a small chance that your "type" of guy is not interested in women that dress up. It happens. As I've said before, all men have different taste; I write about the average male.

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    3. I'm glad all the men in the world don't share your view of "I'm not going to do more, give more, be more to my lover unless I know I'm going to win." If you're not willing to give more in this world, don't complain when the rest of the world doesn't give back to you. If all that is asked for in a given situation is that I wear heels, I think I can live with that. And no, I don't need to be some Third World girl without a dowry to need to tart it up. If men like it, I like it. I'm not even the kind that does a lot of that, and the kind of guy who needs me to be a hot bleach-blonde in a halter dress is not going to find much to see here. But I consider the pieces of my outfit carefully when I'm dating. I do it out of respect. Respect men, and maybe they will respect you. They appreciate the effort, even if the results are not always perfect.

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    4. What do you imply, by saying 'if you are not overweight'? Every woman that takes care of her appearance and knows to discern what looks good in her and what doesn't, looks beautiful no matter what.

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    5. All that beautifying seems pretty pointless to me. I would rather spend that time reading or developing my business. With a Mensa-level IQ, the average man doesn't understand what I am talking about most of the time and trying to keep it simple is just too draining

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  5. I would add that it is why only very attractive looking women bother will all this type of dress... because it pays off for *them* and is good sense for them.

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  6. So, what is your advice for a very "masculine" woman? Someone who is very tall, much taller then most men, broad shouldered, physically strong and naturally aggressive and decisive? Someone with a loud voice and impetuous attitude.

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    1. Find a very "feminine" man. I've seen this many times in couples from my parents' generation, though I have also seen it in my own: masculine men attract feminine women, and less "polarized" people (more masculine women and more feminine men) are attracted to each other.

      You will probably like a man who is more thoughtful and less assertive, a guy who is a good listener, possibly one who is artistic or a musician. He might still be more masculine than you, but he will not be the kind of guy who feels the need to challenge your assertiveness or take charge all the time.

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    2. I think it's really funny how right you are about this point. While I don't consider myself particularly "masculine," I also don't consider myself particularly "feminine." I'm 5'10" and I have strong career drive, but I'd prefer the man to make date decisions, and it's a plus if he knows how to hold me and make me feel smaller than my tall frame suggests. The kinds of guys I attract are generally gawky and awkward. They usually have something of a nurturing aspect in that they listen and pay attention to what I have to say, but they're always much taller than I am (6'3" to 6'7") and seem very confident in their own skin. I suppose we'd both fit somewhere in the middle of the feminine-masculine spectrum.

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    3. In my opinion, I believe most women want to feel desired. For most of us, the whole throw her on the bed and make her scream in pleasure is stuck in our heads and we expect our men to be able to do that or at least satisfy us sexually. We want strong men who make us feel feminine and enjoy the domination in the bedroom, however not all will enjoy it outside. So basically my point is, for anonymous up there, it depends on what kind of personality you have. Just because you are tall, strong and decisive does not mean you will only be happy with a feminine guy. You might enjoy a man's company who is stronger than you and enjoy the power he exudes. Or you might be the type who likes him to take charge sexually but be more laid back in regular life. Or you might like a gentler man who lets you take the reins both in the bedroom and outside. That being said. Dressing up to look your best should be a motto for both men and women.
      Men dress up to get some...Women dress up to get some...and so it goes.

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  7. I appreciate your post. A decisive and assertive man, not overbearing, is a total and complete turn on. As a strong woman I definitely want and need to be with a man that knows what he wants and knows what he's doing and also has the sense enough to know that even though he is in control that he must be considerate and respectful of my thoughts and opinions.
    If showing my appreciation for him means giving him sex and looking attractive well I'm down. I like sex--good sex. When you look good you feel good. And when a man desires you with that primal animalistic passion--well you feel amazing.

    I'll keep reading to keep learning.
    Thank you for you time and energy you put in your posts.
    Dorothy

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  8. In Andrew's world, average looking women should dress up like barbie dolls for their average looking boyfriends, and should also accept that their boyfriends want to be with other women. (as per another of his posts)

    I don't get it, you yourself said that things like makeup and heels add 1% to overall attractiveness as per that piechart you drew.

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    1. That is a fairly accurate summary of what I suggest (among other things), yes. What don't you get?

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    2. How is what you're saying part of a bigger picture that incorporates morality and fairness for both genders??

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    3. I really do appreciate your comment. I think there are a lot of people - like you - who disagree with me. My only response is that what I am saying IS only part of a bigger picture, and only makes sense when you see that big picture, which you can start to do by reading this blog. Check out the post I just made called "The Big Picture."

      The general idea is that men and women are equal but different. Women want emotional support from their man, while men desire women primarily for their energy and sexuality. If you think this is unfair or untrue, then we have to agree to disagree. But if you think there might be some sense to it, consider how importance a woman's radiance and beauty is to her man.

      I hope the post and this blog makes more sense to you in light of that explanation, but I encourage you to ask the most honest and masculine of your male friends whether they agree with what I write.

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    4. I just want to add that men most certainly also want emotional support from women.

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    5. I didn't get at all that I have to dress up like a Barbie doll. He said, dress up, try to look your best.

      I find it ridiculous that the girls here don't understand that. It's basic. No wonder they're losing in the dating game: They don't even respect men enough to put on a nice pair of shoes. Who cares if they're high heels? Do SOMETHING for another human being that isn't narcissistically for "yourself" and "the way you feel."

      It's bigger than you think.

      The ability to love someone means letting go of who decides on the restaurant. It's also lightening up when he says he likes you in heels. He might get that from you, he might not; get a pushup bra instead. What he should get is someone nice to look at and be with, who doesn't call out the Feminist Police just because a guy wants to watch her walk by on tiptoe.

      I can sincerely understand why a man would get turned off by a woman who doesn't pass that test. She's incapable of loving in even the smallest of ways.

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    6. Yes but not the brightest idea to wear a pushup bra (thusly making you seem like you're bigger than you are and perhaps signalling low self esteem to him?) during the dating game, it's much more brighter to wear one and/or heels when you know him well and you're together.

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    7. I mean everyone would be doing themselves a mahoosive favour if they just tried to be COMPLETELY UTTERLY THEMSELVES lol :). Don't be fake, be you!

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  9. I happen to have a very dominant personality and given half the chance, I invariably take charge. This is my authenticity. However, I want to be looked after and provided for and made to feel like a girl which I am but I find many guys run without even getting to know me. How do I remain authentic and feminine?!

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    1. Hmmm... that is a strange combination. I would think more about which one you prefer, taking charge or being taken care of. While both are possible, I suspect that one or the other is a something you think you "should" be, not something you want to be naturally.

      I think that often women who want to take charge all the time are really just looking for an extremely dominant man, and by taking charge you are (maybe subconsciously) filtering out all the men that aren't strong enough to take care of you. Your dating options in this case will be limited, but if you find a guy like that, who you can submit to, then you will probably have a very strong relationship with him.

      Otherwise, you just have to accept that you are a more balanced combination of male and female tendencies whereas most women have a higher bias on the feminine tendencies. All this means is that you will probably sync best with a guy who is also more balanced rather than hyper masculine.

      I realize that both answers say opposite things (i.e. you need a guy who is very masculine and a guy who is not very masculine; but without knowing you personally it is hard to say which is more accurate for you.)

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    2. Andrew,

      This is a fascinating insight -- and I agree with it 100%

      I'm extremely outgoing, a natural leader and very strong. But, what I really desire is someone that I feel is "better" than me that I can submit to. They just happen to be few and far between.

      You're the first person I've ever heard enunciate it.

      Thanks!

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    3. Props, Andrew. I am very feminine in appearance, and most guys project a lot onto me initially because of a very cute, sweet personality. I am , however , more complex than that, and also deeply intelligent, self assured and often it has the effect of making a man less confident with me. I can tell easily when I guy doesn't have what I need, and it's taken me years to see that what I want is a very dominant guy to press up against. Hard to find the balance, but good to be aware of it, as I wasn't at all when I was very young. I don't want to take charge, and finding a guy who isn't easily intimidated is a thrill for me. I have learned to let my feminine side really lead me now.

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  10. 1. If a man's decisions seem to be "flaky", what is a woman to do about it? I was dating a guy I really liked, and I loved the fact that he was decisive (as you describe in your post). He asked me out, chose the restaurant and the time.
    He sometimes seemed insecure around me, but not so much it was a problem. But sometimes we'd have discussions or try to make plans and he seemed flaky and kept asking what I wanted. He seemed genuinely concerned with my opinion, but I was actually put off. I don't THINK it meant he had lost interest (he still initiated seeing me all the time), but subconsciously I took it as a sign he lacked motivation.
    I'm not seeing him anymore, it's more of a general question. What to do when a guy gets like that? Can a man sometimes be decisive about certain issues but really flaky in others? If a man is initially masculine but changes behavior, what can a woman do?

    2. Every time I am at a date with a new man, I'll just order whatever he has. Especially if he's been there before and I haven't (of course not against my taste, but I like almost all food). I was out with a date and some friends, he ordered and I said I'd "have the same". I later got a comment from a friend joking about me being a pushover.
    Where do the lines go here? Can some guys consider you feeble or meek if you "agree" too much?

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    1. 1. You can't do much about it, at least not in the early stages of a relationship. You can give him mild encouragement to make decisions, but if you do more than that, you will know that the resulting decisiveness was really something you created, so you won't respect it. Break up with him if it is really a problem.

      2. If you ALWAYS follow his lead it takes the importance out of it - in the same way that if a guy is constantly complimenting you, it loses its significance. So do your own thing and follow his lead when it matters, not at every meal. You don't have to go against his advice or lead, just like he doesn't need to give you insults; but if you do your own thing then follow his initiative when it counts, it is like him giving you his honest opinion always, but every once in a while (when it counts) he tell you that you look gorgeous - then it really sounds authentic because you know he is always honest and sincere.

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  11. My man loves it when I wear soft flowing skirts and braid my hair (please tell me why men love braids). The nice thing is that HE is the one who makes me feel feminine. I want to be soft and sexy for HIM because I love seeing the light in his eyes.

    At the same time, he is really impressed that I mow the lawn and can start the tractor.

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  12. I would love to learn how to be more feminine. I have a feminine look that I play up in all of the ways you have outlined (hair, make-up, exercise & clothing choice). My problem is that I was much less attractive in my high school and early-college years. I had to then fake my confidence the first time I put on a pair of heels or went out with full make-up on. I think that those years of practice in being confident have made me seem a bit more masculine in personality. I will make decisions quickly and speak about my opinions so that no can forget me. It tends to take away from my softness and it turns men off. How do I practice being more feminine in social situation? Do you have any practical advice for me? I understand that these changes take time, just as changing my entire appearance took time, but I would still like to know what I can start doing today to be as feminine as possible in personality.

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    1. Here is one practical way to do this:

      When others offer ideas, try to magnify them by praising their strong points rather than highlighting their weaknesses with critical reasoning. The act of being OPEN and RECEPTIVE to things (e.g. ideas) is feminine in nature, while cold, rational break-downs of the facts tend to be masculine.

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    2. Good advice, thanks.

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    3. Hi Andrew, this is great advice. I've been using all of your tips to become more feminine in a lot of ways, but do you have any other practical tips on becoming more feminine in social situations like this one?

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  13. I'm worried that I'm giving off too much masculine energy. I used to be quite a shy girl and since I've grown in confidence, I guess I am more likely to offer my opinions and will defend myself when challenged. I love talking to and meeting new people and will initiate conversation, though I do not chase men. I've been told by people I've met that I come across as a nice person who's non-threatening and easy to talk to, and some men have told me that they see me as someone who has her own opinions and won't do what they say all the time. I am quite quiet and thoughtful in my countenance.

    Well here's my issue. I seem to get a lot of attention from those guys who seem very feminine to me. They seem indecisive and so focussed on proving that they're a nice guy that they're not speaking on a level with me. It's hard to describe but I don't feel like they are treating me as an equal. I find them kind of irritating and boring which sounds mean but they don't make me weak at the knees. I want a strong masculine man who I know can protect me, care for, and defend me. I don't want a guy who'll try and please me all the time. It seems like the guys who do this are putting me in a position of dominance which I don't like. I'd rather be the one trying to please them.

    I've been reading this blog so far with interest. I'm already quite a feminine woman but have tried reconnecting with some female friends to bring back feminine energy and such. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I want to attract the kind of guy I've described. The men that approach are always either really creepy or too nice and thus sexually unattractive.

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    1. OK, how do you dress and present yourself? I know the insecure guys you describe, and I have found that sexy clothes and makeup usually throw them off, while drawing confident guys in. So you might try those things out, if you aren't already.

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  14. As a girl who just got dumped for this, it doesn't always work. I was told "we are too alike and opposites attract" and that he needed someone who was more "assertive" (I think I'm assertive & considerate but I'm not domineering or bossy). I liked him for being a sensitive 'beta' and that we were alike in this sense (gentle, sensitive, etc..) Also found out he was into BDSM/fetish parties ... guess he was looking for some female domme. Yep, thought I had a nice guy and then ... this. F*cking sucks.

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    1. p.s. I'd say I'm a mix of dominant (professionally) although I work in the arts and feminine (in relationships) and ALWAYS go for the feminized guys. I love them, and in this respect 'like goes with like' can also be true.

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  15. I agree With So much of this Andrew. I have had a long relationship where I felt like a took a more masculine role. My current lover us highly masculine, very strong in his opinions and self, I absolutely love it... I am an alpha female with a good job, I own my own home and maintain my independence. However he always calls, chooses the restaurant, drives and orders my meal ( after I make my selection) the sex is mind-blowing and I would never ever wear trousers or old underwear. He has never seen my sneakers (gym shoes). He is 15 years older than me... I'm 37... Maybe that makes a difference??

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  16. I recognise myself in the girl you describe in the post.I am happy when a guy is decisive and confident and moves the relationship forward.My last bf was very competitive in nature, he runs in marathons and triathlons and works as a stockbroker.But our relationship didnt work out although we were compatible and shared great chemistry as he wasnt ready to settle down.
    Recently I was set up by family/friends with a few guys on blind dates, these men were less decisive,less experienced ? and not confident when it came to decisions concerning the date.But ironically they were looking to get hitched.
    I know this could be because they were less interested in a girl they have never met and perhaps not physically attracted to me when they met me.They didnt pursue me after the initial or couple of dates,there just didn't seem to be any connection.
    My question is are there ways to encourage a guy to be more masculine, and to create chemistry in the early stages of dating.I don't believe in telling men what to do, I can't pursue a man as it makes me feel insecure so what to do?

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  17. I agree - I find that a confident, decisive man is most appealing. If he is physically attractive to me but like a wet rag in setting up dates, times, places (and on that point- not kissing ME first -wtf?!) then he seems unappealing somehow. In spite of being quite capable myself, I wish you the man to take "control" as it were, to be dominant (though not domineering). I tend to be very direct in my self-expression and discussion of my feelings. I will not be a pathetic sappy girl with a man I desire. I do get gooey and soft when he exerts his prowess though. A good male partner needs to show me his strong lion side, and then yes, I feel it natural, safe and comfortable to sit beside him and be gentle. ~A.

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  18. "Like them, I would try to let her choose the time of the date or the restaurant, because I assumed that she cared. And this usually led to the kind of awkward back-and-forth she described."

    My boyfriend does this exactly. I know he's doing it because he thinks it pleases me, but I prefer he just make the decisions as you describe. Any idea how to coax him into that?

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    1. I have met 60 year old couples in which the man is still making this mistake. It isn't easily taught. If you sit him down and tell him that he needs to man up, it will actually make him feel more like a pussy by calling attention to the fact that he doesn't.

      Next time he asks you what you want, don't tell him that you wish he could make a decision. Instead, convey the same message positively: tell him "you know, it actually turns me on when you make the decision without my input."

      See what that does.

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    2. I will try that, thank you for your input! ....Also telling a guy "it turns me on when you do xyz" seems to be the answer to get him to do anything huh :p

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  19. Yeah, this is interesting. I'm relatively more feminine than I am masculine, but I definitely still have some masculine tendencies (drive, the desire to achieve things, loving to win, intensity). I am attracted to guys who are relatively more masculine than they are feminine but who still have some feminine tendencies (patience, compassion, creativity/artistic ability). It's funny - my best friend and I watch the show "Criminal Minds" together, and she's attracted to the muscular guy who breaks down the criminals' doors, but I'm attracted to the skinny white guy with 3 PhDs and a dorky sense of humor. Is this what you're talking about?

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  20. i'm exactly like you helene :) i'm dating a dorky guy right now and i love it. he's still very masculine but not the muscle head type. he can take control of a situation and is always planning our time together which i love. i am gauging our emotional intimacy as we continue to date and so far he seems receptive, its a tricky balance though!

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  21. I just started reading your blog, but wow... I commend you for your blunt awesomeness.

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  22. My boyfriend and I both agree you need a lesson in psychology. Not every woman needs a man who will make decisions for her. In fact, some women only think that's what they want because of society's conditioning. Think about matriarchal societies (as opposed to patriarchal).

    While I am one of those women who you classify as "extremely feminine", I realize that there are much less feminine women and they shouldn't be told that they need a decisive man in their life.

    In some (healthy and happy) relationships, the woman is the decisive one. And the man is perfectly happy with that.

    Also, what about lesbian relationships? Those work out fine (if the two people are compatible).

    You come off as extremely sexist, though I will admit you do have some good points.

    At first, I actually said "I would love to date this guy!" but then I started reading more of what you were saying, and I was like... wow this guy is a dick.

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    1. Replying to my own comment, please email me at immortalvampiricshadow@gmail.com if you reply to this comment, I'd be interested in your response.

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    2. I don't think he was saying women should let guys make decisions for them. He was saying we should let them make some of them for the both of us.

      A real eye-opener for a powerful, independent woman is when she realizes that she can be even more powerful if she lets a man hook her up with opportunities and ideas.

      Let him know what you want in life, girls. His next move is to help you with that -- just as decisively as he chose the restaurant or told you he likes you in heels. Let him play a role in your success. He's not intimidated by it if he can take some credit for it.

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  23. As I think I got from one of the commenters here, the more a guy takes charge, the stronger he is, the stronger I can be and not overpower him. That's a nice trade-off.

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  24. . . . And right now I'm getting some warm, fuzzy, sexy feelings about my man. He wants to introduce me to someone he knows in my city, who might help me with my business. I'm flattered and not at all belittled or intimidated. He's my hero. . . . If I let him be my hero, he might listen a little better when I express some reservations about his plans sometimes. He texted me a couple of weeks ago: "Thanks for being the voice of reason." That's a generous gesture from a man. And now I will be just as generous in accepting his gifts of help and connections.

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  25. Got dumped by my own father (as a daughter).
    "Wanting to be protected" doesn't work.
    I NEEDED to be self-sufficient.

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  26. 'Many woman don't understand that men want women to let their feminine instincts guide their behavior'. Well, that's one interpretation-another is that women's behaviour often isn't guided by what men want at all. I don't choose how to act based on what I think would attract a man nor should I. Hasn't done me any harm in my romantic life either, in fact it's had the benefit of avoiding attracting men who want me to take on a role I have no desire to fulfil.

    'By feminine instincts I mean - among other things - a woman's desire to be taken care of, to be protected, to feel small, and to be desired or wanted (rather than self-sufficient). Men love these things about women because it gives us an opportunity to be in control, to protect, or to feel strong and self-sufficient - in other words, to exercise our masculine selves. By suppressing those instincts, you fight your nature and thereby inhibit your ability to attract, love and be loved by a man.' - Two major problems here-first of all many women simply don't have these instincts, me among them. I can think of nothing worse than a man trying to take care of me or protect me. I want to be desired/wanted sure, as do men, but I sure as hell don't want to be protected or taken care of in any sense other than ensuring my personal safety if it were actually in jeopardy. As for wanting to 'feel small', that's just bizarre, I can't imagine why any woman would want to feel that way. Secondly, if to attract a man we have to act like we want looking after, or want to feel small, that says an awful lot about the sorry state gender relations are still in. Men should suck it up, and accept that we are well past the era when women wanted to be anything other than self-sufficient.

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    1. So rosa_nomad, what's your rationale for all the women who want a man who's (often much) taller than she is?

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    2. What does taller have to do with how a man acts? Personally I couldn't give a crap about how tall a guy is anyway, but even for those women that do, tallness is culturally attractive and probably biologically attractive as well. But wanting a man to be tall doesn't have to mean-and usually doesn't mean-wanting a man to protect you and provide for you. Also there's a big difference between wanting a man to protect you from actual harm, and wanting a man to take the lead in decisions to the extent that the woman is no longer self-sufficient. I was actually thinking he meant 'feel small' emotionally, seemed to fit with everything else he was saying about women wanting to hand over their control to men.

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    3. So what does wanting a taller man have to do with?

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    4. I just said: combination of what is culturally and biologically attractive. You're not distinguishing between a physical trait which is probably at least in part biologically attractive and what women want in terms of personality or role within a relationship. The latter I think is largely separate from simple biology-as shown but the massive cultural changes over the last 100 years or so. Women nowadays want to be self-sufficient, want to be educated (hence making up 58% of undergraduates in the UK), are almost as often the primary breadwinners in the US as men are (40% in families with children) and usually desire a partner that is their equal, not their protector. Of course there are exceptions, but at least amongst the highly educated women I know, men are not looked to for protection or to take the lead in decisions, and certainly not to be deferred to. Apart from pointing to a fairly common desire for tallness, you haven't given any other evidence that most women want a traditionally feminine role in a relationship. In fact, I suspect that the reason that author felt he had to write this article in the first place is that many women no longer want that and act accordingly-the author assumes women behave this way because they mistakenly believe it is what men want, in reality I think women behave this way for the more obvious reason that they want to.

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    5. "blah blah blah blah" which still does not explain why most women want a taller man.

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    6. Well, it's a ridiculous question, it's like saying why do most men like women with big boobs? It doesn't imply anything about personality traits.

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    7. But most men don't like women with big boobs. Only a fraction of men absolutely must have a woman with big boobs. Other men like boobs, but don't care how big they are.

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  27. So here's a question: I am visually very feminine, a solid 8, but emotionally strong and very independent. I am very attracted to strong, decisive, masculine men, which means I tend to date older men. I'm in the early dating stage with a strong, arrogant man (close to my age), and the arrogance and perceived emotional unavailability, is what draws me to him even more. I find annoying, however, that, although he asks me what time/day works for me to meet up, he ignores my answers and TELLS me what day works for HIS schedule. Until I read this post and the comments, I took it as a sign of low to moderate interest and lack of consideration for my commitments and usually pushed back, which results in his waning interest or a fade. Should I re-evaluate my strategy and let him take the lead, even at the cost of my being available on his terms? Or am I correct in thinking that the interest isn't really there to begin with?

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  28. Andrew(or anyone else who'd like to answer me), I have a question. I think a nurturing character is a very feminine trait. But if it's feminine it must also be very attractive to men, right? But for a women to show this trait, a man must first be what is considered "weak". If he is not, how can she take care of him? But if he does show a lot of weakness, he will become unattractive to her.

    This is at least what I have observed. I talked for a while with a guy. He was really sweet, seemed to be confident and liked the same things as me. Suddenly his fater passed away. He turned to me for comfort. I took care of his every need for months and he was really grateful. But then he fell in love with me. This makes sense, since I've been showing deeply feminine motherly behaviour.
    Problem is, I'm finding him really unattractive now. Not just because he has cried in front of me(that is understandable and eveything else would be weird since I attended the funeral), but he has opened up about a lot of things.

    I'm not sure if I'm just being really mean, but he seems weak to me now. That's unattractive. So how can a woman show caring and nurturing without the man being weak? Thank you for reading.

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  29. I like how this article that clarified something for me. Being strong, decisive, and self-sufficient isn't the same as being controlling/domineering the same way that the desire to support and be lead isn't the same as being a pushover/doormat. These are positive masculine and feminine qualities, respectively.

    I think sometimes your posts can be a little "black and white" in your categorization of men and women, though you do well in generalizing the differences. Obviously gender does play a huge role in the dynamic, no doubt, but there are deeper and more complex personality characteristics at work in these types of interactions besides that fact that one person is male and one is female.

    Anywho I've seen both ends of the spectrum and the wishy-washer, grovel-at-your-feet kinda guy is never attractive. A man who knows what he wants is usually the one to initially allure you, but if 'checking in' grows from asking if his decision's right by you into -telling- you his decision's right by you- it can be dangerous. Either way we develop patterns early in our relationships with people and the more aware we are of ourselves (as you corrected your behavior) the better the outcome.

    Nice blog, a different perspective

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  30. Hey! Great blog, thanks so much for taking the time to write. It answered a lot of questions I had regarding men. I've been to a therapist but he still wouldn't give me answers. Thank you for speaking the truth. It can be very uncomfortable for many women but it's still the truth

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  31. Great blog, I love the reference to a man's indecisiveness as I have experienced this on previous dates, which often causes the demise of our date night. Seriously though I like a man to make a decision on the venue,day and time. It exudes confidence and the ability to lead.

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  32. This blog post speaks to me because I want exactly what Andrew describes.

    A masculine financially stable male who will protect and take care of me. Quite a few men seem offended by this notion actually, which is why many women do their most to show they can take care of themselves. Then the guy won't feel like he's got a gold digger looking for a daddy figure. I am feminine, although I wish I could afford all the nice things that will make me look and feel more feminine. And I want a tall athletic male. I want to feel small next to my man because it makes me feel protected. I want him decisive and take charge without being mean and condescending. I really don't like this society where women have to defend their femininity and choice of male.

    I am an independent, very strong willed head strong woman. I have attracted nothing but short overly accommodating men who ask me what I want to do when it comes to the date. Or they are just indecisive emotionally and financially unstable. I am like a magnet for these men. Very frustrating, I am not attracted to these guys at all. This post has opened my eyes to something that has puzzled me for a while. I now have some answers.

    I couldn't figure out why I am pursued by the wrong guys. The guys I want do not pursue me seem to be attracted but never pursue me.

    I am enlightened.

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  33. I agree 100%. I am very laid back and want the man to take charge and I don't think it is asking a lot for a man to plan a proper date. No I don't want to meet for coffee or a drink. If you can't invest the time to take me out on a real date then don't bother. That means that a date, time and place are chosen beforehand and yes you are going to pay. I am not Dutch.

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  34. I agree that women should embrace their femininity and allow the man to take charge. However I have grave difficulty in trusting ppl with my mobility. On the first few dates, I prefer to drive to the location rather than have the man pick me. I do this with friends even. What has caused this is an experience I had on the job while out of town. I was pregnant and had a miscarriage while on the job travelling in one vehicle with co-workers. The leader of the project told me that they would only be able to take me to the hospital or doctor until after the end of the work day. I had to suffer through the pain, distress and the possible threat of death. Eventually after some hours, one of the workers verbalised that this was wickedness and that I should be taken to the hospital at once. Which they did.....the reason I explained all that was to convey the severe anxiety I have with giving ppl such control. How the hell do I get through this severe anxiety, when I have had such an experience?

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  35. feel small? I think not. not all women want to be eternal little girls … sounds so 1950s to me.

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