No, You Aren't a Good Wing Woman

The other night I was out with a friend who had invited some of his coworkers to join us at the bar. A couple of these coworkers were girls. After everyone had arrived, my friend and I started looking around and talking about which girls in the bar we wanted to talk to. One of his female coworkers overheard us and immediately lit up. She jumped into the conversation: “Oh! Which one do you like? Point her out to me. I’ll go and…”

“Wait.” I said, interrupting her. I knew exactly what she was going to say. “Let me guess. You are going to walk over there and get her to talk to me, because you are ‘a great wing woman’ – right?”

The expression of surprise that broke across her face made it clear that I’d hit the nail on the head. But her enthusiasm wasn't deflated yet.

“I am a great wing woman!” she insisted. “Come on, point her out to me, I am awesome at this.”

“Haha riiiight,” I said sarcastically, “you and every other girl…”

I've had this conversation with girls dozens of times. In fact, I've never met a girl who has claimed to be anything less than "the best" or "a great" wing woman. And every time I've let them demonstrate their "skill," they've failed miserably. Unleashing my frustration at so many similarly self-deceived women, I explained this to her, then drove my point home:

“Girls seem to think that ‘being a good wing woman’ means walking up to another girl and asking her about some article of clothing she is wearing, or where she gets her hair done, and then ‘subtly’ (and by subtly I mean abruptly) transitioning into ‘hey, you have to meet my friend Andrew.’ It’s completely transparent, makes me look like I don’t have the balls to do it myself, and generally undermines any chance I would have had with her to begin with. So, I am sorry, but no, you aren't a good wing woman; and no, you cannot help.”

Enthusiasm now deflated, she turned and went to find her other coworkers.

I realize that not every girl thinks she is a “great wing woman,” but I am continually surprised at how many do, how unoriginal their approach invariably is, how vacuous their claims of greatness are, and how enthusiastic they are about the whole thing. My only guess is that, being so used to a passive role in the whole “pickup” exchange, these girls believe that the opposite task is simple, and simultaneously want to exercise some kind of agency in the process for once – in the same way that many men believe that girls "just" have to look good and show up, and would love to have a girl take the initiative from time to time. In any case, after letting a few girls try and fail at it, I've stopped humoring them.

I've actually had one good experience with a girl helping me to meet another girl. However, the “wing woman” never claimed to be good at what she did. In fact I didn't know until afterwards that her “game” was premeditated. Here is what happened:

My friend and I were part of a large group. He and I were talking to Girl A, who knew that I was attracted to her friend, Girl B. Girl B was talking to some other friends in another small group nearby. Without asking my permission or announcing her intentions, Girl A subtly leaned into Girl B’s group, and asked her a quick question. This drew her into our conversation. We shifted around naturally as Girl B joined our group, and Girl A positioned herself next to my friend, leaving me next to Girl B. We all talked in a group for a few minutes. Once I asked a direct question to the Girl B, Girl A turned to my friend and asked him a direct question also, splitting the conversation into two couples. A moment later, Girl A turned slightly to face my friend, so that Girl B and I were further isolated in a personal conversation. Girl B and I talked like this for about 15 minutes, and then I got her number. It was seamless.

It was so seamless, in fact, that I was suspicious, and I asked Girl A afterwards if she’d done all of that intentionally. She smiled knowingly, nodded, and didn't say another word about it. I was impressed.

So next time you find yourself tempted to brag about your wing-woman skills, stop yourself and re-learn the age-old lesson from Girl A: actions speak louder than words.


Related Posts
1. Don’t Talk Yourself Up
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
4. How to Make Yourself Approachable

Yeah, That's About Right

Hi Andrew,

I would like to start this email with a sincere compliment about how much I have enjoyed your blog over the past few months since I discovered it. You have given me so much food for thought, whether I agree with you or not, and challenge my opinions and perceptions of the male-female dynamic. I am thankful that you take the time to write this blog.  : )

I have a suggestion for one of your blog posts. I very frequently find that women are quite obtuse when it comes to knowing when a man is hitting on her. When I was younger, my father once said, "Nicole, if a man you don't know is talking to you for any reason, he is hitting on you."

When I share this piece of information with my females friends, they scoff. "NO! That's not true! What if he needed directions? Or help picking out a ripe cantaloupe at the market? Or the best bus to take to get downtown the fastest?" The list goes on and on. On the flip side, when I share my dad's advice with another guy and ask his opinion of it, their response is almost always, "Yeah, that's about right."

The reason I bring this up is because I think there are many women out there that may not be able to recognize when a man is hitting on them or trying to pick them up. Perhaps if women were more attuned to when they were being hit on, their success of flirting and engaging with men would be greater. If you agree, I have a feeling that a post about this would be very helpful to your female readers.

Thanks so much and keep up the good work!

Much love,
Nicole
____________________________________________

Nicole,

Yeah, that's about right.

Andrew


Related Posts
1. Misconceptions
2. "The Wong Kind of Attention"
3. Why Women Don't Know What Men Want
4. Why You Don't Get Approached by Men

The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You

I recently had the following conversation with a friend of mine:

"Dude, that girl I really liked - remember, the one from the beach? She resurfaced the other day. She texted me out of the blue. She is going to be in town for the holidays."

"Really? The half-Italian girl? She was pretty hot if I remember correctly. That's cool, but be careful with it - I've had girls I was into resurface like that before, and it's tough. This time you have to have complete control of the situation - show no weakness."

"Yeah man, I know. It's just hard to do that. I am trying to keeping my expectations low this time. I know I need to act around her the way I act around girls that are way into me. It's just so much more easily said than done..."

"I hear ya man. That's the irony of it all. When I am really into a girl, I somehow fuck it up. When I don't care at all, they fall in love with me. It sucks."

I am sure most people can identify with the sentiment, because the same phenomenon happens among women. It is partially the result of what one amusingly accurate website calls "ladder theory," whereby both sexes are constantly trying to attract the best possible mate of the opposite sex. In other words, it is a by-product of the fact that most single people are constantly trying to play out of their league. So maybe the girl that resurfaced in my life recently is simply too good for me, and my attempts to attract her are futile, even if I play my cards right.

However, irrespective of a guy's true value, there is no denying that there is also a large element of control involved: guys can either play their cards right, or "fuck it up," and their ability to do one or the other is closely linked to their confidence. So, for example, even though I might actually be out of this girl's league, the fact that I think she is a ten will initially make it harder for me to demonstrate my true value to her, since I will be less confident in her presence.

I don't think this is news to most people. What I really want to point out is the implication for women:
If a guy is genuinely very confident around you, he probably doesn't feel a strong attraction to you. If he is nervous or awkward around you, he is probably very attracted to you. These are the extremes of a linear scale, so that you can conclude that his confidence is proportional to his indifference.

This seems obvious, particularly the second point. But time and time again I see girls get their hopes up about the fact that a really hot guy gives her attention, even though the quality of that same attention should actually be a warning sign that he isn't that into her. (And anyway, if he is the rare exception to the rule and really is genuinely confident, even around women he really likes, playing a little hard to get won't dissuade him from trying again.)

The best way to judge his confidence is by contrasting his behavior towards you with his behavior towards others, since he could be generally confident, or generally shy. You should also be wary of false confidence, which some men put on when they are interacting with a girl they think is out of their league. Most women can pick up on this intuitively, but it usually manifests itself as excessive cockiness or excessive teasing, and frequently can be read in his body language. Finally, try to judge his actions when he is sober, since alcohol changes the way he acts and usually boosts his confidence.

(Note that over time, he may become comfortable around you and his confidence may grow. This post applies mostly to initial interactions.)

Learn How To Be Social

Flirting and being personable will definitely and significantly increase your chances with guys. While you need to rely mainly on your appearance to get a guy to approach you, your personality shoulders a sizeable portion of the responsibility for keeping him interested once he has. It matters even more for establishing a relationship, and more still for maintainting a relationship.

However, before you can learn how to flirt and be personable, you need to learn how to be social. Unless you are social, your attempts at making the intricate adjustments needed to turn a typical conversation into a flirty one, or to show off your personality, will be drowned out by the difficulty of simply participating in the conversation. This difficulty is normally caused by self-consciousness, which in turn is caused by being unused to the situations in which it occurs. Luckily, there is a solution to this problem.

If you are shy, becoming outgoing (i.e. overcoming your self-consciousness in social situations) is not an easy task, and you need to approach it accordingly. You wouldn't train for a marathon by running a full 26 miles on your first day, so neither should you try to jump into a conversation with an attractive guy and assume that you will immediately be able to transfix his attention. Instead you need to break the task into smaller steps, just like you would when training for a marathon: at first you would just run until you were tired, in order to gage your stamina and decide how to lay out your training program. Then you would gradually increase your distance until you were strong enough to run the whole race.

You need to do something similar to overcome shyness. First, find out where your nerves start, that is, where your self-consciousness sets in. Some girls only get nervous when they are talking to really attractive guys, while others get nervous talking to any guy at all. Maybe you get nervous only when you talk to guys you've never met before - or maybe you get nervous even when you talk to girls you've never met before. Wherever your nerves start, that is where you need to make your first step towards becoming more social. And the key is to make that first step a small one, one you can manage.

So, for example, if you start to get self-conscious or shy about talking to strangers, make it a goal to talk to three strangers a day. If that is too daunting a task, step it back a notch and just make a point of merely saying hello to three strangers a day, or maybe just one a day. Once you get comfortable (and I won't pretend this will happen overnight) with interacting with strangers, move on to growing comfortable interacting with guys. Put yourself in situations where you will talk to guys you don't know, even if it is just while you are checking out at a store.

Continue to take small steps, each time setting your next goal by gaging and re-gaging your comfort zone as you become more and more social. Eventually, you will stop worrying about being in the interaction, and start worrying about how to change the tone of the interactions. This is when you can start thinking about learning how to flirt and be more personable.

In Vino Veritas... Aliquanto

Most guys behave differently after consuming alcohol, and this often leads to situations in which a woman is left trying to decipher her crush's words or actions through the facade of its effects - not always an easy task, but as I will explain, not one worth completely abandoning either. Whenever a man you are interested in interacts with you (i.e. whether he is drunk or sober), he reveals information about himself, even if it is only that he is perpetuating the status quo of the relationship by not giving you any different information. A drunken interaction with a guy you like is no exception; you just need to understand the limitations of what you can learn from it.

Most people are familiar with the Latin expression "in vino veritas," which means "in wine lies the truth." There are a lot of dumb sayings out there, but this is not one of them. With a few negligible exceptions, a man's actions when he is drunk do accurately reflect his true feelings and intentions. This is because his drunkenness relieves his inhibitions, making him more capable of behaving according to his impulses and natural inclinations. However, from an attracted girl's perspective, this honesty carries with it an ambiguity, because in addition to relieving a man's internal inhibitions, alcohol also relieves his external inhibitions; and there is almost no way to judge which one is driving (or, more accurately, allowing) his words and actions. By internal inhibitions I mean those that come from within, i.e. ones that are a product of his personal weaknesses - fear of embarrassment or lack of self-confidence. By external inhibitions I mean those that come from the expectations of society, such as the pressure to date high-quality women, to not sleep with a girl you don't want to date, or avoid sleep sleeping with your female coworker for fear of upsetting your professional relationship at work. Both types go by the wayside when drunkenness sets in.

The loss of both of these types of inhibitions leave a man's natural impulses unchecked, and you can be sure he will start to act on them in proportion to his level of drunkenness. The ambiguity is introduced by the fact that a guy's sincere feelings might just as well be "I have a crush on that girl and want to date her," as they could be "I want to fuck that girl tonight and tonight only." In the light of drunkenness, however, the behavior resulting from both sets of feelings is one and the same: he flirts with you or gives you more attention. So the distinction between these two attitudes is not what you should be looking for when you try to interpret his drunken actions. You need to wait for a clearer data point to make this kind of judgement.

But as I suggested at the start of this post, this ambiguity does not mean no useful information can be gained from a guy's drunken advances. And this is because there is yet another external inhibition that is ignored by drunken men, namely, the concern that "I should be nice to this girl and talk to her even though I don't want to have sex with her or date her." Your clue comes entirely from his dismissal of this inhibition as he drinks. While you may not be able to determine whether or not his advances are purely sexual when he flirts with you, you can at least rule out the possibility that he has no interest in you. If he weren't at least sexually interested, you can be sure he would be off chasing other girls, rather than being "tied down" by the social obligation to be nice, or even just social.

So next time the guy you likes makes a drunken advance, don't stress out trying to decipher the implications. Instead, acknowledge that it means he is at least sexually interested in you, and wait for your next (sober) data point.