Friday, April 13, 2012

The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty

Popular magazines routinely publish the results of polls in which both sexes are asked what qualities they are most attracted to in the other. And they routinely discover the same thing: above all other traits, men desire beauty in women, and women desire confidence in men. I am always skeptical of studies based on surveys, but in this instance, observation corroborates the survey results: men really do prioritize beauty in women, and women really do prioritize confidence in men.

While the fact itself might be old news, very few people realize how instrumental it can be in understanding the opposite sex. Typically confusing actions are instantly illuminated in light of these priorities. And you can understand them in terms that make sense to you, by using one of the most powerful tools of thought: analogy.


The next time you are confused by a man’s actions, try the following: Put his actions into words; then replace all of the masculine nouns and pronouns with feminine ones, and any rephrase any references to beauty so that they instead relate to confidence. The situation will make miles more sense that way.

Here are a few examples:

Example 1: “I surprised him at his office, wearing my new dress, with my hair and makeup done; and even though he was preoccupied with an employee who had just stopped by his office to ask him a question, I could tell by the look in his eye that he wanted to close the door, throw me on his desk and ravage me right there.” While you might take it for granted that your beauty attracts him, the fact that you don’t feel the same surge in attraction simply because he has a new haircut, a fresh shave and is wearing a well-fit shirt might make it a little difficult to understand his reaction. But consider the analogous situation in which you witness a display of his confidence: “I walked into his office to hear him giving instructions for the week to the project team. They were all listening intently, obviously impressed by his authority and experience. He looked so sexy giving orders and being admired like that. The second they left, I went over to him, grabbed his shirt and kissed him deeply. He seemed surprised.” While he might not understand how attracted you are by what is a routine occurrence for him, your response is similar to the urge he feels when he sees you looking your best.

Example 2: “We were driving to the party and he started getting on the freeway, but I knew that back roads would be faster. I told him this, and he immediately become annoyed and cold towards me – when moments before he’d been affectionate.” Why would he take such offense to this? After all, when he corrects your driving, you usually take his advice, and he was going the wrong way. The problem is that you’ve effectively undermined his confidence by questioning his judgment. You can understand the effect of this by considering how you would feel if he undermined your beauty: “I’d bought a new dress and had done my hair and makeup perfectly. I knew I looked hot. My husband and I were driving to a party together, when a 20-odd-year-old in a tight dress and heels crossed the street in front of our car. His eyes locked on her and his head turned as she walked across our field of view. Though I’d felt cheerful and affectionate towards him seconds earlier, I immediately felt hurt and distant.” By checking out the girl as she walks by, your husband undermines your desire to be beautiful – and especially, beautiful to him. The hit to your self-esteem is identical to the hit he takes when you question his judgment and thereby undermined his confidence.

Example 3: “Ugh, he is obsessed with looks; he will never find a good girl that is hot enough for him. He’ll end up single.” I expect this sentiment is very common among women. I’ve had it said about me. But you will find just as many men complaining that “She wants a guy that treats her well, but only dates assholes, she deserves what’s coming to her.” Women, of course, realize that they like assholes not because they are assholes, but because they are confident. (They like them in spite of the fact that they are assholes, not because of it.) In the same way, men date women who are boring or stupid, not because they are boring or stupid, but because they are beautiful. The fact of the matter is that men are no more interested in woman’s beauty than women are interested in a man’s confidence.

Example 4: “She dresses kind of slutty, but she still gets much more attention from guys than me; don’t these guys see that she is trashy?” Men are much more likely to look among hot and sexy women for a girl that has a good personality, than to look among nice and friendly girls for one who is attractive. This is because looks matter more than personality to men. To understand this, consider the analogy with confidence: men often say about guys who do well with women “He is so arrogant, but he still gets more girls than me. Don’t these women realize that he is unintelligent and a hot-head?” Women are far more inclined to look for a guy with a good job and at least half a brain among the ones who are confident enough to approach them, than to look among the smart and level-headed guys for one who is confident enough. In the same way that looks trump personality for men, confidence often matters more than personality for women.

Example 5: “She is funny, smart, genuine, cheerful and confident, but I just can’t make myself attracted to her because she isn’t that hot.” Girls are routinely professing their confusion at men’s inability to prioritize what seem (to them) to be the most important characteristics in a potential girlfriend or spouse. The relative unimportance of these qualities will make a lot more sense when you compare them to his confidence rather than her beauty: “He is funny, smart, genuine, cheerful and good-looking, but he is always waiting for me to take the lead, always asks me what I want to do, and is deferential to other men. I just can’t make myself attracted to him because he isn’t confident enough.” (Incidentally, a lot of men are just as confused by this kind of statement as you are by theirs: “But he is letting you do whatever you want – isn’t that a good thing? Why wouldn’t you like that?”)

64 comments:

  1. You hit this one out of the park. Well done, someone had to say it

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    1. A new brave continent that would be worthy of all global acclaim and admiration virgin media number

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    2. This is genius Andrew. I really enjoy your no-nonsense approach to things, it makes me realize how simple relationships really are. broadbeach accommodation

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  2. This is a very interesting read. I think a lot of women view this differently because confidence is 'wider' than appearance and there are plenty more situations where you are likely to hurt his confidence. Physical beauty is what you look like, and it's quite simple - you don't tell a woman she looks fat. Confidence is linked to his driving abilities, ability to fix something around the house, his work performance - so many things in daily life. I think a lot of women will assume it's okay to remind of directions - it's just one little thing after all. But I do realize men find that horribly annoying.

    I first realized this when my parents were driving to a party with me and my sister in the back seat. My father is not good with cars - he is not good with directions and he generally doesn't drive very well. My mother is also an expert on parking, my father barely manages. Without it being pointed out, he knows this. My mother made a couple of notes regarding where to go and he fired up and told her to "shut up" (which he never does). I have never seen him talk that way to her. I was stunned.

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  3. Surely there are limits to this? Given the choice between a 7 who's loyal, intelligent, and feminine versus a 9 who's promiscuous, unstable, and controlling, wouldn't men (well, the wiser ones anyway) pick the first for something long-term? That's what experience tells me anyway. I imagine there's a personal threshold beyond which beauty isn't much of an advantage, much like excessive confidence to the point of unbearable arrogance wouldn't be attractive especially if there isn't much substance to back it up.

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    1. Yeah that is probably true, but like you said, only for the wiser ones...

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  4. Great insight Andrew. As usual :-)

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  5. I'm guilty of example 3 with my girl. I need to start paying closer attention to what I pay attention to.

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  6. This is genius Andrew. I really enjoy your no-nonsense approach to things, it makes me realize how simple relationships really are.

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  7. thefemaleperspectiveApril 15, 2012 at 4:10 PM

    So I had a revelation about a few weeks ago...and it pertains almost exactly to this post. I'm a confident 7, well-spoken girl but have always wondered why I'm having such issues with attracting the right type of guys when I have such a well-rounded personality. So I started to experiment with how I acted around guys. I became more feminine, I would act more sweet, talk less, be less witty or sarcastic and it was crazy how many more guys came flocking to me. It was kind of disheartening though that I had to become this demure thing to attract more guys. I felt like I was compromising myself, and at times not even being myself because I had to bite my tongue so much and watch what I said. I don't want to be a bobblehead airhead girl, but it seems as though that's what guys want. How do I attract the men I want without compromising myself?

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  8. thefemaleperspectiveApril 15, 2012 at 4:19 PM

    And also now that my world has basically been turned upside down with the results of my experiment, I find it hard to know what exactly it means to be feminine in a post-feminine world where women are now encouraged to compete and fulfill roles that were once only left to men in the workforce. It's tough to be a go-getter woman and have men take you seriously if you act like a kitten. Physically I'm very feminine, and I've always been considered the nice girl, which I thought was feminine enough, but apparently not-__-. Help me please Andrew.

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    1. I am guessing that you only think of behaving in a more feminine manner as "compromising yourself" because you've been conditioned to think of value in purely masculine terms. But why is it "compromising" to be MORE feminine? You are too fixated on the fact that you are being LESS masculine. Yes, you are LESS ambitious, LESS witty, LESS assertive; but why think of these changes in negative terms? What about the fact that you've become MORE receptive, or MORE radiant, or sweetER, or MORE beautiful?

      Men and women are two halves of a whole: one typically active (male) and one typically passive (female). But neither one is more important or better than the other, any more than an electrical plug and socket - which are also referred to as male and female - are more or less important (excuse the crass analogy - it's all I could think of quickly). It is only because "success" in our society is defined in masculine terms that you feel like you have reduced or compromised yourself as a person by this change (which is ironic, because we're supposed to have moved away from that due to feminism - I'd argue we just swept the problem under the rug). In any case, instead of considering what you've subtracted by being less male, focus on what you've added by being more female.

      I suggest you read one of two books by David Deida in order to understand this dichotomy. One is called The Way of The Superior Man and the other is called Dear Lover. Both will help you understand the importance of being female. The latter does so directly, and is written for women. The former is written for men, but I think any man or woman can best understand their "half" by understanding their compliment - men can understand what it means to be a man by knowing what it means to (not) be a woman; and vice versa.

      Expect a post about this soon.

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    2. Hey, I've read the first book by David Deida, even though it's for men. The only things that depress me about them is that I believe most men are not as 'enlightened' as he is.

      I'm a typical girly girl - I recognized myself very much in the girl Deida described as a bit 'bonkers' :-) I have masculine skills as well, but my behavior is all very 'feminine', with both the good and bad parts of that.
      The polarity part is VERY true. I'm a 'homey' person - I enjoy to travel, but I often prefer to be home with a book, cook, watch romantic movies, cuddle etc. I'm broody and feel a connection to strangers' babies (bonkers...). I'll be naturally drawn to men whom are adventurous, a bit of an entrepreneur in spirit, who works a lot and follow the typical make trajectory. It's not like they tell me about this on a first date, but the men I'm attracted to always reveal this persona after a while. It seems like a subconscious choice.

      A part of the sexism women experience in daily life, IMO, is not necessarily about unfair pay and all that, but basically about men viewing masculine traits as superior to feminine ones. Many also make out ALL the masculine traits to be positive, not just the ones regarding ambition and confidence but also those sides to a man which can be ruthless (if he's rude or too harsh, that's just because he's good at his job). I know a lot of men look for very feminine women and I've heard some say they want "someone feminine and humble but without all that nagging and emotional crap". The equivalent to that would be me saying I want a very successful and ambitious man, but I also want him to put me before work and be able to take Fridays off. People come in a package. And I think men sometimes forget that more than women. I've always been taught by my mother how to deal with men, and a lot of women have learned how to 'tackle' his difficult sides - we're used to it.

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    3. Read Dear Lover. It will complete the picture for you - which is important. There are some chapters in there that every woman would benefit from, but particularly the more feminine women.

      I don't believe that men are purely responsible for "viewing masculine traits as superior to feminine ones." In the same way that women aren't purely responsible for feminism - with all political or social movements, one party promotes the underlying ideas and the other accepts them: if either one failed to do so, the movement would come to a screeching halt. So start by correcting your own mindset; ask yourself if you (conosciously or subconsciously) consider male traits to be "better" than female ones. And if so, correct yourself - then you can start worrying about changing others' minds.

      Likewise, men may promote their strengths AND weaknesses, but women are the ones that let me get away with it. Both sexes are to "blame" for the situation (assuming of course that you agree that it is a bad situation to begin with).

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    4. I got Dear Lover in the mail today.
      Here's the thing; it's not written by the average guy. It's not written for women dealing with any guy I've ever met. I've never met any guys even remotely resembling the author, and I've dated assholes and 'nice guys' and a couple of those in between.
      I get the idea, but I'm not sure if I agree with it. It says a lot about openness, being able to love means you have to open up for it. I agree that if you win the lottery and meet an attractive guy looking for commitment, it requires you to be open for the relationship. But I don't agree that your openness will attract the right men. I don't think it can change a man who is only looking for sex, only looking for f-buddy, only looking to make it easy for himself. And that's most men.
      The alternative is to really date below your league, if that is some sort of guarantee - I'd like a book on that (or perhaps a post on it). 'My league' men are the men who have a lot of options. They don't really need to get into commitment to get sex. Dear Lover is great advice to connect more deeply spiritually with your loved one, and I therefore think it's better for women whom are already married.

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    5. Openness is not necessarily only willingness to be with someone. It also implies being an open person in general, which has huge implications for your personality. By being open (rather than "directed" - which is the masculine counterpart), you are being a person who is open to meeting new people, being spontaneous, doing new things, learning, listening, etc. - all receptive (read: femenine) dispositions. While you are right that these can only help you so much, I would hesitate to underestimate their importance. Yes, looks matter more, but I would take a 7 who epitomizes this openness over a 9 or 10 who does not - any day, hands down. Maybe guys who are less interested in meeting someone serious wouldn't do the same, but are you interested in those guys?

      It sounds like you are an attractive girl, and date attractive men. The only way you are going to find a good guy who is serious about you is by setting yourself apart from the other beautiful women, and you do this by your openness. Consider the male analogy: there are plenty of good looking, and even successful men out there that would like to date you. But what characteristics separate the "men from the boys" (so to speak)? What really makes a man stand out? His directeness: his confidence, ambition, focus, success, etc.

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    6. Seems like openness can be related to being adventurous in a way. Not saying they're the same, but the women I know whom are very open to new people, new cultures and being spontaneous are the same which travel a lot and feel the urge to go to third world countries etc. Sometimes you cannot get the best of one persona without the rest. Maybe this is just my experience, but the women I know whom are very outgoing, chatty, meet new people all the time, big travelers etc., are also a bit 'flaky' in their persona. At least IME, those who offer a lot of openness upfront often don't go very deep. If you want a woman whom makes a great dinner, has a cozy home, enjoys lounging on the couch with ou and is a 'homemaker', she'll be less inclined to be 'spontaneous'. But yeah, I agree, reading, learning and having an open mind is a great thing anyway.

      I think finding the 'good ones' is a bit different for men and women. For men, it's mostly about finding an attractive girl with a good personality who's into you. Most women believe in relationships. What separates the boys from the men? As my mother said, "Boys text you to "meet up". Men call and ask you on a date". It's more in his approach or dating-mindset than persona. A man may stand out by being perfect; attractive, confident, ambitious etc. But men who have those things can still be players, in fact they often are. I know several guys who would have been ideal (looks + personality) if they weren't players. Finding one that is a one-woman man is much more rare. That's what really makes a man stand out.

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    7. You don't have to compromise yourself, I agree with Andrew's question...why bother attracting those types of men anyhow?

      In my experience, flirtations are way better when you are witty and know how to tease and banter with a guy. Women love it when a guy can throw them a curveball, so why not the other way around? Of course, if your sarcasm borders on caustic bitterness, that's obviously not attractive (or feminine) at all.

      That said, I blush or suddenly feel a girlish shyness at the most random moments and I know my past boyfriends loved when that side of me appeared, perhaps more so knowing that they brought it out and it's not usual.

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    8. I'm late finding your excellent site, so forgive me. I've known about the Way of the Superior Man practically forever; I know what he looks like, the color of his hair, how he smells, the way he will look at me and touch me.

      Long ago but still far away. But to attract the Superior man one must be the Superior Woman., yes?

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  9. A man being confident and charismatic is a great part of his sex appeal, and like many women, I've found it difficult to part with a man I have a strong sexual attraction to even when I've known we won't work out.
    Have you ever experienced struggling to split from a woman or being tempted to keep seeing her simply because she's the best looking woman you've been with?

    Does women's beauty have the same "power" over men as a man's charisma has over women?

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    1. The answer is an emphatic "yes" to both questions. The analogy holds perfectly.

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  10. I am guessing that you only think of behaving in a more feminine manner as "compromising yourself" because you've been conditioned to think of value in purely masculine terms. But why is it "compromising" to be MORE feminine? You are too fixated on the fact that you are being LESS masculine. Yes, you are LESS ambitious, LESS witty, LESS assertive; but why think of these changes in negative terms? What about the fact that you've become MORE receptive, or MORE radiant, or sweetER, or MORE beautiful?

    Brilliant. What you write her is one of the most key things to turning things around.

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    1. And if one is naturally a witty, assertive, ambitious woman? These traits are not exclusively masculine. To me, to deliberately diminish these factors is "compromising", and presents the world with an inauthentic version of oneself.

      It is frequently said that one must love oneself in order to be loveable. If one is actively trying to play down some of one's inherent, positive traits, in the belief that they are unattractive, surely one is being less than loving with oneself?

      It is surely possible to be receptive, radiant, sweet and beautiful, as well as witty, ambitious and assertive - the two groups need not be mutually exclusive, unless your argument is that intellect in a woman, from which the latter group of characteristics almost always derives, cancels out, in effect, both physical beauty and generosity/sweetness of spirit?

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    2. If you are naturally more witty, assertive, ambitious, etc. you will find yourself attracted to men with more feminine qualities.

      Read the post about femininity, authenticity and compatibility, which should explain what I mean.

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    3. I am witty, unassertive, intellectual and medium-level ambitious and my boyfriend is assertive, for one (which complements so perfectly sexually- I was not aware of what I needed before I met him) but also feminine in other ways that I think I need, such as sensitive and generous in expressions of love, and looking for an intellectual equal, at the very least.
      Perhaps compatibility can be in particular masculine/feminine traits, as well. You just need to find someone right for you :).

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    4. 'If you are naturally more witty, assertive, ambitious, etc. you will find yourself attracted to men with more feminine qualities.'

      I don't think this holds significant truth: read-up about the alpha female. She's a woman that needs a man that is just as strong in character as her or even more so if she is to ultimately love and, most importantly, respect him, by becoming submissive. I have alpha female tendencies but publicly I portray a more feminine nature due to how society prefers women that emotional and feminine but I could never be attracted to a man that made me feel like I was his mother or who acted submissive towards me.

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    5. I agree with you to an extent. I've noticed that some women are dominant and like to be MORE dominated by their man. Others are dominant and like to dominate. I am not sure what distinguishes the two groups. Would be interested to hear what others think.

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    6. I think this is just a case of trying to identify with a man (even subconsciously). ALL the long term happily married couples I know are opposites - dominant & submissive and/or extroverted & introverted. I never see two 100% dominant people together.
      It's true that some women 'shit-test' men and want to provoke more dominance in them by being dominant themselves, but obviously that's not always necessary - very confident and ambitious men don't need shit-testing. They might think that dominant men like challenges in their lives, and that their woman can be one of them.
      I think a lot of people are bound by society norms. Whenever I discuss this with friends, some people are always offended by the idea of opposites attracting one another. Masculine girls deny that they fit with feminine/submissive men because that's not something women are "supposed to" be interested in. They get angry in the same way 30-something single women get angry if someone states a fact about fertility.

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    7. "It's true that some women 'shit-test' men and want to provoke more dominance in them by being dominant themselves, but obviously that's not always necessary - very confident and ambitious men don't need shit-testing. They might think that dominant men like challenges in their lives, and that their woman can be one of them."

      This is a pretty insightful answer. The more I think about it, the more I think I agree. A woman might PRIME the man to demonstrate his dominance by being dominant herself, but it is ultimately just to revert to a submissive role.

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    8. Andrew-I agree w your assessment. I'm confident, successful and attractive (so I'm told), and one of the things I like most about a man is that he is intelligent, but he has to be smarter than I am.I also am attracted by men who are taller than I am. I guess you could say I have the "more" syndrome, but I find nothing more sexy than a man who is "better" than me because I think when a guy exudes confidence, he's able to be more relaxed in a relationship and, obviously, in bed. I guess one of my flaws is that I don't know how to "prime" a man For example, there's a guy I'm interested in, and he's pretty much my dream guy but I don't know how to do it. Should I slip him a note? Write it in the sky?

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    9. I am witty, assertive and dominant toward men, until I realize I'm interested in them. Then all the things they originally liked in me, like confidence, crumbles for a bit because I feel like their opinion matters. I want them to be confident and forward and giving also, to hold a talent I don't hold, and to have an equal drive for learning and adventure as me. So I like to dominate and be dominated, depending on the day and my mood, sometimes I like to intrigue and interest a man intellectually, and likewise I want them to return the favor. Men and women are not black and white, we have to blur the lines at different times in our lives and I think we all like to see versatility in our significant others. Sometimes a father also has to take on the mother role, and women more often have to fill both roles too. Ultimately we all want someone who can handle themselves properly. Your posts are insightful, especially after the gender homogenizing that occurred in the 90’s, and it’s nice to remember and read that femininity is cherished by men. Also the lines of respect are clarified a little more on your blog.

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    10. Hi I am very witty, but highly feminine...I have noticed that when I am being my witty self, that it seems to drive men mad with attraction towards me. I have noticed men are much more captivated with me when I'm witty, than when I'm not. To the point of being crazy for me. And not feminine men, either. So, I don't know about that theory. But yes, I do agree with men being attracted to a feminine woman. Men don't want to date themselves.

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    11. Hi Andrew,

      I've been reading your blog for a while, but have yet to comment, so I thought I'd offer you my point of why some females want to be dominated and others want to dominate.

      I'm an Alpha female. I'm proud of that. I don't try to play it down, I don't try to be anything other than what I am. I'm beautiful and intelligent. I'm driven and ambitious, yet goofy and relaxed. I've been told, multiple times, that I'm intimidating. That word irritates me.

      I try to be approachable and fun. I seek balance in everything I do. I want to be a great wife, the stuff dreams are made of, so I say I am an Alpha female, not lightly, but because I actively, consciously strive to be the best in the pack. I have an easy time making friends and usually have many men ask me on dates, but I don't want to date a submissive, feminine man. Feminine or submissive qualities in a man turn me off. As an alpha who is proud to be an alpha, I submit to only one thing- a greater alpha. That's all I want. That 's what I seek. I would argue that alpha women who go after men with feminine qualities are ones who think they should be dominant, but aren't naturally. They are in many cases, more liberal women who are career driven above all else. And they aren't dating the man with those qualities because they respect or even like them, but because they are looking for someone who has the qualities they deny themselves, no matter how unbecoming. She also tends to have either a father who walked out on her or a father who was too dominant to the extent they were abusive, either of the mother or to her.

      So if you want to understand a true alpha female, one who is an alpha because it is her natural personality (And most likely one who had a great father), you have to understand this- we want someone who impresses us. We have worked our asses off to be everything we consider desirable instead of just a few things and continue to do so. We strive to be the best at everything while simultaneously learning to accept ourselves. We can't stand the thought of settling for a man who has not put in the same effort to become someone great for us. We want our equal.

      I know an alpha male instantly by his demeanor. In his presence, I change to a beta, but only to him. I submit only to one greater. Who knows, perhaps it all comes down to the father figure like I stated briefly earlier. Girls who don't have a good one feel forced to be strong and because they had issues with their dad, stick with a safe man they can dominate. However, alpha females who had a great father take the risk for true, requited love because they saw a good example from their own father.
      True love is meant for the very few, the few who have accepted themselves and pursued that which makes them happiest. They don't compromise their heart for fear of the unknown. They don't settle for less than the best because they know exactly what they deserve. They are willing to accept their flaws, and thus, more driven to find the person who balances those flaws. I look for an equal, not someone to control. I can pick from a number of men one I can control, but I will not love him because I consider him weak, and in time, his love will change to resentment because he will slowly realize I do not see his true value and he will realize he deserves better and I completely agree with him, therefore, I don't date him. I date only a man I respect and admire- and to get those two things from me, they have to be great.

      I know I wrote a lot, but I am trying to give a little insight.

      Hope it helps,
      V

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    12. Enjoy your tiny little dating pool, V! I hope you're in the top 0.1% looks-wise, in addition to being in the top 0.1% success-wise.

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    13. V is actually incredibly bang on IMO.

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    14. V is correct but it's not just alpha women that look for alpha men. It's all women.

      As an aside, what makes a woman alpha is not the same as what makes a man alpha.

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    15. An alpha male is the man who best embodies the qualities women look for in men: confidence, dominance, wealth, intelligence, etc.

      An alpha female is the woman who best embodies the qualities men look for in women: physical beauty, a gentle nature, etc.

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    16. V,

      I agree 100%. I am a single female in my mid-thirties, as I look back on a failed marriage, and the countless men I have dated since my divorce, I have realized that they failed because I wanted/needed to dominate the relationship. You guessed it, I had a terrible father figure who abandoned my mother and my three sisters when he got bored with his family. It was not until a few months ago that I doscovered the joy of being with a true Alpha male. During the time that our relationship lasted, I learned so much about myself. Thanks for sharing your insight.

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    17. V, to using the given the analogy, here's the guy perspective on what you just expressed: I am a strong Alpha male guy, I am in control of myself and what I want, What I really seek is the hottest possible woman, a 10. She must exist in a state of physical perfection. I do not tolerate flaws of any kind. Your face must be a picture of symmetrical perfection and you must easily grace the cover of fashion magazines. Your body must be of perfect proportion and size, cellulite or too much body fat is of no use to me If I am to be aroused. You will have even soft tanned skin and dress only in the finest outfits showing class and perfection wherever you go.
      Absurd right? That's what it sounds like to men when you demand of them the kind of Alpha status assigned to the likes of celebrities or high office politics, Men who rule other men and dominate everyone. It's not realistic. In truth There is no such thing as an 'Alpha Male' it's a question of who is alpha in the moment, who is being the decision maker, who is the most in control. The biggest mistake a guy can make is to believe there are such things as alpha males and beta males in case he mistakenly assigns himself as one. These things are subject to change

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  11. When you guys are too old to screw your boring, stupid, no longer hot wife will be hilarious.

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  12. Andrew, can you write a post no how to date online as a woman? I think I get my flirting wrong and sound a bit boring = don't seem to know how to excite attraction in a man through a message. Do I have to be vain and say stuff like "hey hottie ;)"?. Please help. Thanks :)

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    1. All the stuff online is written for men on how to flirt online but nothing seems to be written for women.

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  13. Hi Andrew,

    After reading this chapter it made me think a lot. I am a kind of person who likes teasing people. I don't do this because I want to hurt people's feelings, I think it comes from my culture and family where everyone teases each other and it's kind of funny.

    But I have a couple of questions:
    1. Does a man like it a lot when a girl emphasizes his positive characteristics, i.e. does this boost their confidence?
    2. Hence or otherwise, does a guy really dislike when a girl picks on something - even if it's just for the sake of teasing him - which in his mind might be a negative comment? As an example: I like teasing they guy I recently started dating with his accent (which I personally find really cute and sexy). But after reading the above I started thinking that it might have a negative effect on his attitude towards me.

    Thanks a lot.

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    1. 1. Yes, as long as you do it sincerely it is a definitely turn-on to know that a woman admires you.

      2. As long as it isn't something he is self-conscious about and you only tease a little bit (then drop it), it is a good thing. But if he is even slightly self-conscious about his accent or if you bring it up every now and then but never actually stop and let it go, it can be a really bad thing.

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  14. as a woman, i need to make a point here. Some men hear "Confidance is attractive in a man" and they twist it around to "Confidance is all it takes to attract a woman." I was once at a bar with a group of friends, and a guy sidled up to me and started flirting. He was extremely confidant and bold (but kind and polite), with no hint of self-consciousness or anxiety. But I found him horribly unattractive. Did his self-esteem at least make up for his poor appearance, even just a little bit? Nope. If anything it just made him look even more undesirable. If I had found him physically attractive, then I would have given him more of a chance, instead there was nothing he could have said or done that would have lit the chemistry on my half.

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    1. ^ EXACTLY. Confidence is attractive, but confidence alone is not enough. All the confidence in the world cannot make up for a lack of physical attraction. A man needs to be confident, have an interesting personality AND be physically attractive for me to be interested. Pretty sure it's the same with most women, it certainly is within my group of friends. Lots of men seem to be very misguided about this point.

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    2. @Anon - I don't think it's about twisting it around. I think the attitude is that you might as well present yourself in the best way if you're going to try and chat someone up. The men I meet who think that confidence is all it takes tend to be the more insecure/passive aggressive type who aren't genuinely confident. The guy you're talking about just sounds like a normal guy.

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    3. of course confidence isn't EVERYTHING. just like beauty isn't EVERYTHING for a man. a girl can be beautiful, but if she's a total crass bitch, that's gonna be a major turnoff. the point here is that as long as a woman's personality isn't actively off-putting, then beauty trumps all else. as long as a guy isn't actively repulsive-looking, then confidence trumps all.

      if you're a man and you could only improve one aspect of yourself, then work on confidence. for a woman, work on your looks.

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  15. put my subconscious feelings into words.
    i would give you a like if i could.

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  16. I dont understand. So the example 2 means you should never correct him even though he is wrong just because his ego might get bruised???
    I also believe the way you put the example with the girl and her attractiveness and the guy turning to see the attractive woman is completely different and does not illustrate your point and this is why: If a very handsome guy crossed the same road and the girl stares, he would feel just as offended as she would. So we have to make an example that is similar, apples with apples and pears with pears. If a woman gets corrected by either a woman or man she doesn´t feel offended if she truly is wrong. If a man gets corrected by a man doesnt feel offended but if he gets corrected by a woman he does??? Then what is the conclusion, that men cant stand a woman who is smarter than them.

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  17. Wow V, who are you. We are like the same person!! I thoroughly enjoyed your articulation of the alpha female- I didn't even know the term existed until now. So entertained and so happy to know I am not the only girl out there like me! You are so cool! Sometimes it's a hard road hey? But it's worth the wait. I figure haha. And yes, at the risk of sounding so arrogant but anonymous, I can attest to that person who asked, I'm "hot" also. A 9 apparently. With excellent family health genes to boot haha. V again, thanks for your honest post. Bold is beauty.

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    1. (Ps. I think you'd do well to pen a book. To men. To pull their socks up in North America. I have a Hell of a time finding men who are smart, goodlooking, ambitious, have personality and values, confidence and know what they want. And don't smoke or do "recreational" drugs. V I'm curious for your age and if you're married. Foreign men are where it's at LOL. They broke the mold after your Dad I think ;) J

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  18. lets face it.. a girl or a boy can be ordinary but if he/she is confident our attraction for her/him will increase.

    girls who are not so beautiful do it all the time, and yes guys get more "confident" when you add some alchool ;)

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  19. I'd like to petition for men to work on strengthening their confidence so it's not so easily threatened. Just as it's worthwhile for women to be comfortable enough with their looks that they're not threatened by incidental comments that aren't meant to be critical. I get so frustrated with a man who can't handle anything that implies that he can make mistakes just like the rest of us.

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    1. Joy-I second that! OFten times those men can be unforgiving and harbor anger beyond reason when they face the slightest of criticism, and will hate you forever for it. Sometimes it's difficult for them to own their own views and that is probably an indicator of other emotional issues that go beyond lack of confidence.

      I encountered a similar situation with a friend who made a slew of bad decisions and was dating someone who was toxic and the person was probably the reason he lost his job, among other things. Trying to help him was probably the worst thing I could do because he interpreted them to be critical and hated me for it. He lost his job, broke up with the toxic psycho (he knew dating her was a huge mistake), and somehow the failure of his fucked up relationship was my fault. He was too stupid to see that if their relationship was anything he wouldn't have always wanted to leave, and he wouldn't have dated her because she reminded him of his ex who dumped him. He also jumped into the relationship because he was lonely and she did one of those things where she wormed her way into his life and tried making him jealous by dating other men, but would still fuck him while she dated other men. It was the strangest thing how moody he became, and it was as if he wanted out of the relationship and was trying to get out, and every time he was close to ending it, she would feed him with cool aid or something! It was as if their relationship was intended to cut him off from people who care about him. His friends knew she was a psycho, but he would be embarrassed to talk about it with his friends who could help him. It was as if the more we cared about him, the more adverse his behavior grew. Any kind of help, he would view as criticism and cut people off. Odd enough, that's not the person he was before he dated her.

      Men with confidence can better assess when people care about them versus criticism. I was trying to be helpful and now I'm the enemy.

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    2. Andrew-any comments on this phenonemon??

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  20. but he is ... deferential to other men. I just can’t make myself attracted to him because he isn’t confident enough.”

    Is this true, women?

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  21. Many women wonder why men don't ask for directions. They find it annoying. But the truth is that men, deep down, fear that asking for directions is akin to admitting their inability and deferring to other men (the ones who are asked for directions. Men can feel that it makes them less attractive to women.

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  22. Another thing is that although women prioritize confidence in men, they aren't that forgiving on looks either. They still want a confident man who is relatively attractive or atleast comfortably above average in looks.



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  23. So.....what you are saying is EXACTLY what I've ALWAYS loathed and feared: perfect big boobs, long THIN legs, tiny butt and IMPOSSIBLY flawless face and smile are important to men than confidence. Oh well, I don't have any of those, so my situation is hopeless, right? Gee, thanks SO much, Andrew, for hitting home that this is what is more important than confidence....Funny, I've always heard that body confidence and overall confidence in a woman trumps physical perfection...so was it all a big LIE??? Thanks SO much for rubbing in women's faces that men are shallow and superficial....guess poor imperfect ugly me doesn't deserve the guy I already have that. LOVES my brown eyes, light brown hair, imperfect skin, small breasts, wide hips, short legs and ample bottom! Gee, for a while there, you had me fooled into really believing that you weren't like that, but BOY WAS I WRONG! You're message is clear: A woman. HAS to be a PERFECT 10 Barbie doll in order for a man to find her attractive! What a slap in the face! Guess I'll go seethe now and try to figure out ways to get the thousands of dollars I will need to get a head to toe makeover of the perfect looking Playboy playmate!

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    1. Beauty is eye of beholder. I don't think he's implying that. You're on a different segue. I don't believe a woman has to be playmate. Never at once did he say that .

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  24. While men are visual and place too much importance on beauty and youth sometimes to their own detriment ex. marrying gold diggers, to think that women operate solely on confidence is quite naive. If women didn't care as much about looks I can guarantee you that there would be A LOT less single ladies out there in the world. There are many solid men with good character and confidence but let's be honest, if they aren't considered cute let alone hot, they will lag in the dating game.
    The players and men with options that many women pine for are more often that not attractive. That's why there are so many losers out there that can still get dates and women because they are hot.
    I'm guessing in the end a woman is more willing to compromise if a man, while not being as good looking as she would hope for him to be, has other qualities like being loyal and willing to commit, being able to provide etc. I think both men and women should approach dating a lot more realistically and let go of the spoon fed disney fantasy we grew up with. Not all guys will get their hot princes neither will all women get their hot prince.

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    1. @ Anongirl
      "Not all guys will get their hot princes"

      I'm not sure if all guys are holding for hot princes! ha ha

      But good comment - I agree with your central premise. Succinct summary of many dating woes.

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