Older Women Can Still Be Sexy

I recently spent a couple weeks in Europe. While there, I noticed something that genuinely surprised me: older European women are sexy. I found myself attracted to women over the age of 35 or even 45 much more frequently than I do in the U.S., where I almost never notice women over the age of 35. In Europe, it was a regular occurrence.

It didn't take me long to realize why. The difference is obvious. My attraction to these women could be almost completely attributed to the following factors:

• The leave their hair long
• They continue wearing form-fitting dresses, often short ones
• They continue wearing heels
• They stay in shape

This was kind of a revelation to me. I'd thought that wrinkles, loose skin, and thinning hair (the most obvious signs of aging) were the main factors reducing a woman's attractiveness. But this simply isn't true. Feeling my neck instinctively turn and my eyes involuntarily drawn to the hips of these European women as they walked by put an end to that idea. Perfect skin and perfect hair simply don't matter that much. My hormones were saying "YES" over and over again to women without either one.

This was a powerful realization for a couple reasons. The first was the simple satisfaction of realizing that it reinforces a couple points I've been making all along: that feminine beauty is highly controllable and that no women needs to be ugly.

But more importantly, it was powerful because it gave me hope. Yeah that sounds like exaggeration and maybe even a little gay, but it's true. I'd always had this background fear that after getting married and enjoying several years of physical attraction and great sex with my wife, she'd inevitably lose her physical beauty, I'd lose my physical attraction, and sexual fidelity would become a burden. A perpetually satisfying sexual relationship with an aging woman seemed impossible. And given that I never want to cheat on my future wife, that was a pretty disheartening belief. It essentially meant that I had to choose between having a family or a sex life.

I believed this was inevitable because I saw it happening all around me in the United States: the vast majority of women here become unattractive after 35. Physical attraction is by no means everything, but it's pretty damn important. So realizing that I could be legitimately attracted by women over 35 was a huge breath of fresh air. Sure, I'd always known it was possible for women to remain attractive as they age, but in the United States this is a rare exception, and seemingly impossible to predict. In Europe, however, it is the norm. And the fact that almost a whole continent of women can do it proves that it's totally achievable.

But here is the thing: European women don't just happen to wear heels and keep their hair long; it isn't a stroke of genetic luck or some fluke of cultural development. The decision to do those things is rooted in their mindset, in their beliefs. They do these things because as they age, European women continue to think of themselves as sexual beings. The wear dresses and stay in shape because they have zero doubt that they can still be very attractive to the opposite sex - and they are absolutely right.

In the United States, women either don't believe this, or they aren't motivated by American men to do this.* Probably it is some combination of these two factors, but I am skeptical about the importance of the latter, mainly because most European men are pussies, and they still manage to motivate their women to look sexy. Anyway, for the sake of not turning this post into a critique of cultures, I am limiting the discussion to the point about belief - or more specifically, American women's disbelief.

So let's get right to the point: that disbelief is unfounded, because you can totally look sexy to men well into your 50s. The exact same things that make you attractive to men in your 20s continue making you attractive well into your later years; there is no reason to abandon them.

Get rid of this idea that some clothes are "age-inappropriate," or that you have to somehow limit your wardrobe as you get older. The only clothes that are age-inappropriate are those that make women who aren't ready for sex look sexual. If anything, increased age should expand your wardrobe, since you'll be more confident, have stronger boundaries, and therefore be able to pull off sexier looks.

Nope, you don't need more makeup, and you don't need a boob job. Yes, believe it or not, your body is still sexy in spite of the wrinkles and grey hairs. Shit, I don't care if your hair is completely grey. If you are in good shape and you dress in a feminine, sexual manner, you are going to give men erections for a long, long time. The male need for Viagra says just as much about women's unwillingness to think of themselves as sexually desirable beings as it says about the impotence of their men.

Yeah it might be tough to see yourself getting older, especially in light of knowing how much men care about looks. I get that. But it is flat-out wrong and incredibly short-sighted to think that just because you are on a downward slope, the game is over.

Remember this as you age. And for those of you already well past your prime, recognize that it is never too late to reverse your thinking. You can still be sexy; you just need to make an effort and shed these puritanical American ideas. True, you'll be fighting your culture in doing so, and you'll have to learn to come to terms with looks of disapproval from the women who decided that it was acceptable to wear sneakers to the grocery store. But if your personal style is rooted in a firm belief about the kind of woman you want to be, you'll see those criticisms for what they are: comments from women motivated primarily by jealousy and the will to believe they don't have to work.

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* Some people might argue that American women stop trying to be sexy because the ones who get married and have children foster a culture that prioritizes raising children over being sexually attractive. This might be true, but it misses the point. The error lies not in American women's efforts to be good mothers, but in their belief that this somehow precludes being sexy. There is no reason why women can't do both, as evidenced by European women, who are also great mothers. In fact, this is a topic for another post, but I would argue that you actually can't be a great mother without continuing to think of yourself as a sexual being.

Related Posts
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2. The Advantage of Dating After 30
3. Some Older Women Are Smart
4. What Men Think About Older Women

Ugly Girls Don’t Exist

Every once in a while I get e-mails from girls who have clearly resigned themselves to a life of lovelessness because they think they are ugly. This post is for them.

I used to feel sorry for ugly girls. When you're a young guy who still feels completely in awe of beautiful women, it's easy to fall into thinking that the girls who don’t have a visual effect on you are incapable of enjoying the dating world. Female good looks were overwhelming to me at the time, so the girls without them mustn't have been able to get guys – or so my 22-year-old logic went, anyway.

This reasoning sustained some damage when I finally went out with some hot girls. Doing so made me realize that what my mom had been telling me for years was actually true: a girl's looks aren't everything. But this actually wasn't what put an end to my pity. That didn’t happen until I realized that, when you frame the situation correctly, there actually isn’t anyone to pity. Let me explain...

It's common knowledge that physical beauty in women consists mainly of signs of health, youth, and fertility. Wide hips are attractive because they are conducive to childbearing. Long, full, smooth hair is sexy because it shows that a woman has all the nutrients she needs to grow it. Big breasts are attractive because they emphasize a woman’s ability to feed her child. Tight skin and big eyes are attractive because they make a woman look young and therefore more capable of bearing healthy children.

This state of affairs isn’t a coincidence. It exists because, throughout human history, the men who happened to be attracted to signs of health, youth, and fertility were more likely to fuck healthy, young, and fertile women, and they were therefore more likely to pass on their fertility-attracted genetics to future generations. The dudes who happened to be attracted to some other set of traits in females ended up having sex with less-fertile women, and their genetics were never passed on – or at least, they were passed on less and less until they died out completely. Likewise, the infertile women (in other words, the unattractive women) – or the women attracted to impotent men – also failed to reproduce, and their genes were similarly drained from the gene pool.

Most of you have probably heard all of this before. What is interesting here isn’t so much the evolutionary narrative, it’s the corresponding implication: because the weakest and least-attractive genes died out long ago, and the strongest, healthiest, most attractive ones have persisted, the human race is getting perpetually more attractive.

Of course, you don't need the spiel on natural selection to realize this; just look at what we used to look like:

A Neanderthal Woman and Modern Woman
(Image from National Geographic)

Yes, that’s right, I am comparing you to cave women. But it is a legitimate comparison because it makes an important point: if you exist on the earth today, it is only because men, collectively, throughout human history, wanted to fuck you. The ones who didn’t died off millions of years ago, along with all of the “ugly” genes in both sexes. Everyone left is sexy.

It’s like the whole human race has been using Tinder for millions of years, and now we’re living in a world populated only by our matches. Except it’s even better because our matches didn’t just swipe us right because they were bored on the way to work; they actually voted for us by banging our ancestors – there’s no ambiguity about what they wanted. And sure, maybe you like some of your matches more than the others, and maybe some of your matches like others more than you; but there is no getting around the fact that your sexual attractiveness (or potential for it) was a prerequisite for your existence in the gene pool.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you are attractive just the way you are. It may well be that you need to lose some serious weight and learn how to dress well in order to make men realize that they want to bang you. But that is a good thing, because it means that you can lose some serious weight and learn how to dress well and men will realize that they want to bang you.

And of course, there will always be “least hot,” “hotter” and “hottest.” Our minds have evolved to care about that, but the interesting thing is that men’s penises have not. I’ve talked about this with many guy friends many times, and we all agree that, when we are horny, we are willing to fuck about 50 % of women under the age of 60. And this considers even the women who don’t make an effort – imagine how high that number would be if everyone did.

Neither am I saying that every woman has an inherent capability to lock down a top-shelf dude. There are a lot of things other than looks that matter in dating and relationships, and there is a lot more to life than getting sexual attention from men. But what I am saying is that every woman who thinks she’s “just ugly” or somehow “unfuckable” is flat-out wrong. You are on this earth today because you have the ability to give men a boner. End of story.

This is a pretty important point – important enough that I made it in one of my earliest posts a few years ago. I drew the conclusion then that no girl needs to be below a 5 on the 10-point scale. And I stand by that. To borrow from what I said there:

...the time and effort you put into your appearance will produce results. Do not worry if your gut tells you otherwise; your gut is informed by beauty pageants and "100 Hottest Women" lists, and a thousand other influences that both reinforce and reflect the notion that beauty is a matter of winning the genetic gene pool - i.e. a matter of 'haves' vs. 'have-nots.' This notion is bullshit...no girl needs to be less than a five on the ten scale...If you present yourself well and get in great shape, you will be above average. And for those of you that are naturally about average, the sky's your limit.

I realize this message probably doesn’t apply to most of my readers. If you are reading websites like this, you haven’t given up hope. You know or at least suspect that there are things you can do to improve the quality and quantity of attention you get from men. So this message isn’t necessarily for you. But you probably know other girls who have given up. Maybe you have a friend who thinks she’s inherently unattractive or that she’s destined to be single her whole life because men don't want to fuck her.

The next time that conversation comes up with her (or even if it doesn’t), remind her of what I've said here. Remind her that hope should never be lost. Better yet, remind her that hope should never be necessary. You don't need hope when you're a winner in the genetic Olympics; you just need motivation. And a damn good way for her to get motivated is to recognize the truth: that with a little effort, being sexually attractive is well within her reach.


Related Posts
1. Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable
2. You Can Control How Attractive You Are
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Interpreting Male Compliments

When people change something about their appearance – their hairstyle, clothes, makeup, hair color, etc. – they often rely on the feedback that they get from others in deciding whether or not they themselves like the change. I hear people say all the time (after updating their look) “Yeah, I wasn’t so sure about it, but people seem to like it." Of course, this often goes unspoken, but in general people take others’ compliments at face value. This is the problem I want to address.

Let me start with a couple examples. A female coworker recently showed up at the office with short hair. Whereas previously it had been mid-back length, she’d cut it to be only a few inches long. It looked OK at best; but she looked significantly worse than she had with long hair. When she walked into our area of the office for the first time, the “feedback” started…

Guy 1: “Oh, wow you cut your hair – it looks great!”  

Guy 2: “Yeah, wow, looks good.” 

Guy 3: “You look much younger.”

(I didn’t contribute, because I’d run into her earlier in the day and after expressing my surprise at barely recognizing her, told her it looked “stylish” in an unenthusiastic tone.)

When she walked out of our area and out of earshot, we all looked at each other. Guy 1, who had previously always talked about how sexy this girl was, burst out immediately: “Maaann, it looks horrible! What did she do???” We all agreed.

Another time, a girl walked into the same area of our office wearing a new shirt, which was bright green. It drew attention, but it looked horrible. It didn't work with her complexion at all. Immediately, one guy – who is particularly attractive to most of the girls in the office – said “Nice shirt. Good color; green looks good on you.” I am sure she walked away thinking to herself “Wow, I guess green is my color.”

In the first example, obviously the intention behind the compliment was to make the cute girl feel good, or at least to avoid making her feel bad. This is fairly easy to recognize and understand. But something different is at work in the second example, and I've been recognizing it happening more and more in my daily life as I've come to realize what is going on: people respond positively to the things they notice, not to things that are positive. A person might see a friend and think “wow look at that new belt” because it really stands out, or “wow her hairstyle (or color) is completely different today.” But then, because it is so noticeable, they feel the need to acknowledge it. Once they've acknowledged it, the same phenomenon at work in the first example kicks in: they feel the need to make the person feel good about it, and an inaccurate compliment is the result. So in the end, “nice haircut” actually just means “I noticed your haircut.” And if you subscribe to the school of style that says "you should wear your clothes; your clothes shouldn't wear you," then you realize that this is more often a bad sign than a good one.

I've occasionally been given compliments like "you look good in grey." However, knowing what I do about wearing colors that compliment my complexion (I look OK in grey, but not great. I wear grey because it is an easy color to find in stores and doesn't look horrible on me), and recognizing that these compliments came from someone with the desire to make me feel good, I realize that what they really meant was "You look good," and "you wear a lot of grey." But the causal link between those two facts what purely in the eye of the beholder - or rather, the complimenter.

But the problem isn't only that people get inaccurate feedback when they wear or change things in extreme or otherwise noticeable ways. The problem is that when people change things in subtle-yet-powerful ways, they get no feedback whatsoever. The best changes more often than not draw no feedback, while the worst changes draw compliments. If you pay attention to others’ opinions, you’ll end up with a completely skewed opinion of what makes you look good.

The best compliments are those that are mistaken, or indefinite. I've had this happen to me several times. One time my receptionist told me “Andrew, you look great today! Did you change your hair?” I hadn't touched it. In fact, nothing was different about me that day except for my shirt. It happened to be one that I didn't normally wear, but which, in retrospect, perfectly complemented my complexion. Her compliment of my hair was actually a compliment of my shirt.

So pay attention when people give you general or indefinite compliments: “you look very… vibrant today,”  or “something looks different; I like it,” or “did you change your hair?” (even though you haven’t). If you reflect when you receive compliments like this, you can often decipher them to understand their source. And if you succeed, you can rely on your interpretation of that vague or mistaken compliment far more than you can rely on normal “compliments,” which are often little more than sugar-coated observations.

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Fat Women Look Hotter in Tight Clothes

I hear the following conversation regularly:

Guy 1: “Man, check out that girl in the yoga pants [or any tight article of clothing] over there.”
Guy 2: “Damn, she is hot. I love when girls wear yoga pants.”
Guy 1: “Yeah, me too… except fat girls, that is just disgusting.”
Guy 2: “Haha well yeah, not fat girls. That is just gross. They shouldn't be allowed to wear stuff like that.”

This line of thinking always bothers me. The implication is that, while tight clothes make fit women look more attractive, they make fat women look less attractive, and should therefore be avoided by any woman that is overweight. But this simply isn't true. Fat women, though unattractive, still look more attractive in tight clothes than they do in loose ones.

I know a lot of readers will initially disagree – men included. There was a time when I disagreed myself. In fact, I used to participate in the very kinds of conversation I am criticizing. But eventually I started paying attention to fat women rather than just dismissing them, and in doing so I realized that what we were saying wasn't true at all. What happened was that, on a few occasions when out with female friends or acquaintances, they started criticizing heavy-set girls for wearing tight clothes. They said things like “She shouldn't be wearing that, look at her stomach!” or "That girl needs to go home and lose 20 lbs before getting in a swimsuit like that!" But when I looked at the same girls they were criticizing, I found myself attracted to them, precisely because of their tight clothes. I had enough imagination to recognize that the very same girls in loose clothes would do absolutely nothing for me; but in a tight dress or yoga pants, I was checking them out.

Look, here is the thing: the female figure has evolved to be attractive to men, and it shines most when its natural curves can be seen. This holds true even when those natural curves are covered in fat; which makes sense, because (except in severe cases of obesity), the woman's proportions still exist. Loose clothes only serve to mask a woman’s figure. When a fat woman wears loose clothes, it makes her look like a mass of floating fabric. You not only still know that she is fat, but you also forget that she is a woman. True, a tight dress might show that a woman has a gut, but loose clothes don't hide it - they just hide her femininity.

Granted, there is probably a way in which an overweight woman can choose clothes very carefully in order to play down her weight while playing up her curves; but these clothes won't necessarily be loose. Anyway it is somewhat beside the point, which is that, on the whole, tight clothes still make fat women hotter, even if they don’t make fat women hot. You might be able to argue that fat women gain less attractiveness than fit women by wearing tight clothes - great, no problem; I am just saying that they don't lose it.

It's been too long since I illustrated anything on here, so let's do so with a plot:

If you still aren't convinced, it might be worth pointing out that the mistake I am accusing people of making is actually a very common one in human reasoning. It’s easy to think that something is a certain way (i.e. unattractive) because of something rather than in spite of something. In other words, it is very easy to believe that a fat woman is unattractive because of her tight clothes, when the reality is that she is unattractive in spite of the tight clothes. The tight clothes make a woman's BMI a little more evident, so people are more prone to make this logical leap; but that doesn't mean they are right in doing so.

Conversations like the one above happen because men like to indulge in the idea that fat women are unattractive. It makes them feel better about their own sexual attractiveness to look down on someone else’s. If they have to slip through a logical loophole in order to do so, they aren't going to lose sleep over it. And the girls who mock fat girls for wearing tight clothes usually just aren't secure enough with their own bodies to wear something that tight. They aren't mad at what you are wearing, they are mad because it reminds them of their own insecurities. Of course, it is easier to mock the fat-but-confident girl than it is to face up to your own body issues, so that is exactly what they do.

Anyway, fat and overweight ladies: don’t be shy about wearing tight stuff to the gym, bikinis on the beach or tight dresses to the club. You can ignore the guys and girls that claim you should cover up, because their complaints say a lot more about their self-confidence (or lack thereof) than anything about how you look in spandex. And yoga pants might not make you look like a supermodel, or even thin, but they still turn guys on more than your baggy jeans.

Related Posts

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2. Feminine Beauty is Highly Controllable

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The Importance of Variety in Your Appearance

There is a girl in my office that is extremely attractive. She is good-looking, but she is much more than that. She has great posture, always fixes her hair well, smiles frequently, is confident, and she generally radiates an air of femininity that is painfully lacking in many girls’ demeanor.

One thing that always stands out about this girl is the way that she dresses – specifically, the variety of clothes she wears. Every day she wears something completely different. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen her wearing the same thing twice. I am not making a statement about the quantity of outfits she owns or the size of her wardrobe; I know plenty of girls who wear different outfits every day but still look boring. This girl actually looks different every day. One day she will be wearing jeans and a blouse, the next day she will be wearing a long, close-fitting dress, the next day cotton dress-pants with a loose, flowing top, and the day after that a pencil skirt. I've seen this girl wear clothes and dress types that I didn't even know existed. I realize that might not be saying much coming from a guy, but the point is that she is very clearly an outlier relative to other girls when it comes to the variety of clothes she wears.

It would be hard to underestimate how much men love this – and I say that with confidence because I've talked about it with several other guys and they agree categorically. Her daily choice of clothes is the topic of our lunch conversation more often than is probably healthy. It’s worth pointing out that this attention isn't the wrong kind of attention. Plenty of girls could work their way into our conversation by wearing short dresses, small tops or tight skirts. In fact, plenty do, and we talk about them too. But we come back to this girl way more than the others because we are constantly surprised and impressed with the variety. It’s hugely refreshing to see her every day in a different outfit.

While I am sure that women can appreciate variety in male fashion also, I am convinced that this is something men appreciate much more than women. I've explained before how strongly men crave sexual variety, and I've explained the importance of visual stimulation. By varying her appearance, a woman appeals to both of those masculine desires. Of course she can’t actually be someone else; but by looking different every day, she can come close enough. I don’t have a huge amount of evidence to support that claim, but when I think about how tempted I would be to cheat on the girl I am describing versus other girls that are equally attractive, there isn't much of a competition.

Having thought about it a bit recently, I can break down this girl’s fashion success into three factors:

1. She takes risks. This girl doesn't always look good. In fact, I've seen her look downright horrible at times. One day she came in wearing these shitty gypsy-looking baggy pants and an ugly shirt, and I almost cried. A couple times she's worn colors that washed her out completely. I’d say that roughly 5-10 % of the time, she looks bad. But I realize that no one can pull off the kind of variety I am advocating without fucking up occasionally; besides, the variety and successes are both well-worth the mistakes. In fact, I would even be fine with more mistakes if it meant I’d get a girl who was equally dynamic in her wardrobe.
2. She doesn't pay attention to office fashion norms. In other words, she doesn't think “this is a professional environment; a sun dress is inappropriate.” She might not always be wearing clothes that are “appropriate,” in the sense that they play down or divert attention from her looks, but neither is she dressing overly sexy or provocatively. Trying to bring women into the workplace and expecting them to dress like men is about as ridiculous as asking men to stay home with the kids and forcing them to dress like women. Women need to be allowed to be women, and “appropriate” has unfortunately been defined largely by a society that doesn't fully understand that.
3. She enjoys looking good. There is no way that a girl will be able to force herself to dress in such a varied manner if she doesn't enjoy doing it. And although you shouldn't try to force yourself to enjoy it, you can let yourself enjoy it to whatever degree you naturally do. I said a lot about this in the post Femininity, Authenticity and Compatibility, so I won’t repeat myself here; but I want to make one additional point in that regard: you don’t need to be a supermodel to enjoy looking great, and you don’t even need to be hot for men to appreciate how you dress. Let yourself enjoy looking your best in as many ways as possible.

Of course, these principles apply to make-up and hair also. The important principle is appearance variety, not just wardrobe variety - but you can draw the analogies.

For the record, I recognize that having a wide variety of clothes can be expensive. And I am not going to pretend that women with less income are without a disadvantage here. That's life. If it helps stomach that fact, you can remind yourself that wealth disparities affect men in their dating lives far more than they affect women. But anyway there are plenty of ways to work the concept of variety into your wardrobe without breaking your bank, and there are plenty of girls reading this post right now who spend all kinds of money on wardrobes bigger and more boring than this girl’s. Make the most with what you have.

Now, all this being said, there is some value in the adage “looking good every day is more important than looking different every day.” While I suspect this statement was popularized more more with men’s fashion in mind than women’s, I also want to make it clear that I am not advocating wearing ugly clothes or crazy make-up only for the sake of variety. You need to indulge in variety wisely, choosing colors and cuts that look good on you. But within the limits of what you know suspect makes you look good, don’t be intimidated by the pressures of “what is acceptable” or what feels safe at the expense of what is different. Different counts for a lot.


Related Posts:
1. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
2. Feminine Beauty is Highly Controllable
3. Men and Sexual Variety
4. The Importance of Taking Fashion Risks

What Men Think of You Without Makeup

There is no question that you look better with your hair and makeup done than you do without it. If your boyfriend tells you that you are hotter without it, because he prefers when you "look more natural," he is either lying or you aren't doing your makeup correctly. Makeup is designed to make you look better; saying that it doesn't is like saying that a fresh coat of paint on a house doesn't make the house look better: it is only true when someone screws up the paint job by using the wrong colors or applying the right ones incorrectly.

In any case, although cosmetics give you an undeniable advantage when it comes to controlling your appearance, they come with the burden of deciding when and where their use is appropriate. The following points explain what men think about seeing you done up or in your natural state, so that you can better choose between the two when that decision proves difficult.

1. He cares about first impressions. We all do. They matter. Initial experiences leave an impression on the mind much deeper than most of those that follow; this is simply the way the human brain works. So make sure you are looking great the first few times you meet him; he will remember it. (Note that I did not say that you should be looking "your best" the first few times you meet him. This is because it is always good to keep a little something in reserve. If your "great" isn't good enough for him, your "best" probably won't be either. And even if it were, you would have to be completely focused on your appearance in order to barely keep him interested, making your life a living hell.)

2. He is going to see you without makeup eventually, so don't make inordinate attempts to avoid being seen bare-faced after the first few dates. By inordinate I mean things like canceling a date because you won't have time to do your hair perfectly, or completely avoiding a hike with him because full makeup and hair would be inappropriate. I don't mean spending an hour getting ready for a date. Spending time to make yourself look your best is normal, not inordinate; so err on the side of doing this more frequently rather than less. Just beware that there is an upper limit to the benefit of added effort, since he will see you without makeup eventually.

3. He doesn't stop wanting to see you done up. There is a misconception among some women that as a relationship develops, a man becomes either (a) less turned on by seeing you done up, or (b) more turned on by seeing you in your natural state. Neither of these are true. In fact, if anything, the opposite is true in both instances, since, as a man grows accustomed to your look, his sex drive starts nagging at him, inclining him to desire other women (though in a good relationship, this is counteracted by emotional investment, time investment, love, etc.) In any case, he certainly doesn't stop wanting to see you look your best, or grow less disappointed when you reduce the effort you put into your appearance. There is no point at which you can "relax" without implications while you are both sexually active with each other. If this seems unfair, remember the analogy between confidence and beauty: you taking a break from being beautiful for him is like him taking a break from being strong and confident for you. While you could probably sympathize with your man's desire to relax in this regard, and might even be OK with him showing his weaknesses to you from time to time (see #7 below), you'd prefer to always have him being his strongest, and you wouldn't be any less turned off by his weakness just because time had elapsed in the relationship.

4. He hates a women whose life is dictated by her appearance. The negative effect of being unwilling to do activities that would require you to not wear makeup (camping, surfing, etc.) by far outweighs the advantage you gain by always being seen at your best - especially considering points #2 and #8.

5. He loves a woman who is confident in her own skin. Confidence is a character trait that both sexes find incredibly attractive in the other (even if women value it more than men) because confidence is rooted in a healthy self-perception and acknowledgement of one's own self-worth - which all diligent and contentious people have. The attractiveness of your confidence is much more important than whatever advantage you sacrifice by occasionally being seen without makeup.

6. He loves you looking your best during sex. Remember that men are primarily stimulated visually. While there is a certain attraction to being naked with a woman who bares her whole self to you, most of the time a man wants to be sleeping with the hottest woman he can. Again, remember the analogy between confidence and beauty, and consider how you'd feel if your normally confident man man turned into a weak pushover in the sack. I am not saying that you should never have sex without your hair and makeup done. There are some instances in which getting done up just for sex isn't appropriate, and he'd certainly rather have sex with the "au natural" you than not have sex at all. But when you have the option to get done up, and you find yourself tempted to think "oh, he doesn't really care" or "we love each other so much it doesn't matter," remember this point.

7. There is something intimate about seeing a girl without makeup. When I've seen my ex-girlfriends without their hair and makeup done, I've had two thoughts: (a) she is less attractive, but (b) it is nice that I get to see this side of her. It is an expression of intimacy - and her confidence - that she can be herself in my presence, and this is worth something. Don't use this as an excuse to ignore point #3, but allow it to help you if you struggle with point #5.

8. He isn't expecting you to be as hot without it as you are with it. Men understand that you aren't going to be as beautiful without your makeup on and hair done. This is expected, and it is factored in to their evaluation of your attractiveness. Yes, there are some women who get more benefit from makeup than others, and it is possible for a man to be surprised by how much less attractive a girl looks without it. You can avoid falling into this category by understanding your complexion and wearing makeup that is compatible with your natural look; but regardless, know that men definitely hold you to lower standards when you aren't made up.

A final point is worth noting: a genuinely feminine woman loves looking her best. She takes great pleasure in adorning herself and amplifying her internal beauty via her external beauty. You don't need to be a supermodel to enjoy this; you simply need to know that you are looking your current best. The more you allow yourself to enjoy looking beautiful, the less you will resent the "need" to do so, and the more comfortable you will feel when you don't.

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Ten Ways to Improve Your Skin

The effects of UV radiation (sunlight). See item #1 for an explanation.

I am at the age where my skin is starting to showing initial signs of aging. So in the last year or so, I've done some research on skin care. The lessons I've learned apply just as much to women as they do to men, so I want to share them here. Some of these points will be obvious to some readers, but they will be news to others - as they were to me. Full, vibrant, healthy skin is the primary sign of a your youth, and your youth plays a big role in your physical attractiveness. Whether consciously or subconsciously, men notice your skin; so take care of it.

1. Wear a daily moisturizer with sunblock. Wearing sunblock daily should be something you do as regularly as brushing your teeth. Get into the habit of realizing that when you walk out into the daylight without protection, your skin is being abused and bombarded with UV radiation - even when it is cloudy (clouds don't block UVA light).

If it is difficult to recognize the severity of this effect, take a look at the picture here of William McElligott, a 66-year-old truck driver, who didn't wear sunblock. He spent 28 years on the job. While driving, half of his face was shaded from the sun by the cab of his truck, which reduced the effects of UV radiation. The effect is obvious. Imagine your face looking like his (but on both sides) every time you go outside, and you will probably find yourself motivated to start wearing daily moisturizer with sunblock.

SPF 15 should be enough for most people (use a higher SPF is you spend more time outside than average). Note that it is also worth getting a daily moisturizer that has anti-oxidants such as green tea and cucumber extracts, vitamins C and E.

(I shouldn't need to mention that tanning beds are the devil. By tanning, you are seeking out the skin abuse described above and merely trading a nice but temporary skin tone now for premature aging later in life - and possibly cancer.)

2. Use Retinol, which is a form of Vitamin A. It essentially tells your skin to act and look younger. It is the drugstore version of the FDA-approved anti-wrinkle compounds often prescribed for aging skin and wrinkle treatment (retinoids). Make sure retinol is an ingredient in the anti-ageing or tone-correcting serums you use. Neutrogena makes a great fragrance-free and oil-free option: Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle Night Cream. (Don't worry if your skin feels dry or a tad flaky for the first few weeks of use - it will wear off.) You can find more information about Retinol here.

3. Wear facial moisturizer while you sleep. This will lock in moisture, which will be used to repair your skin while you sleep. There are special types for night use, but the general rule of thumb is that you should use a thicker cream if you have drier skin, while those with oily or acne-prone skin should use a lotion or gel. Try CeraVe PM or Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel.

4. Wash your pillowcases frequently, at least every time you do a load of laundry. Your pillow case accumulates dirt from your hair, face, hands, and even from the air (dust). This is all transferred straight to your face every time you lay your head down at night. Get two sets of pillowcases and get in the habit of putting the fresh ones on every time you take a load out of the dryer

5. Pad your face dry after you shower or, even better, let it air-dry. Don't scrub your face dry with the towel the way you dry the rest of your body, as this will irritate the newly washed skin and push bacteria into your pores.

6. Use lukewarm water to wash your face, even in the shower. When water is too hot or too cold it shocks your skin and can cause capillaries to rupture. This brings with it discoloration, which is unattractive.

7. Choose your soap/cleanser carefully. Soaps dissolve dirt, but in the process remove the oils that your skin produces to protect itself. The ingredients that hold most bar soaps together also clog your pores, and the added fragrances can be irritating. Many people are still accustomed to using bar soaps, and remain victim to the heavy marketing of their favorite soap's scent (they can't feel clean without it). Don't follow their lead. Choose a fragrance-free and sulfate-free cleanser, such as CeraVe or Cetaphil foaming face wash - particularly for use on your face. These will clean without the loss of oils and irritation.

8. Exfoliate with caution. While exfoliating scrubs are praised (and heavily marketed) as giving a deep clean, your skin doesn't need a deep clean every day. When you use exfoliating scrubs, you are using abrasion to remove impurities and dead skin; but in the meantime, the abrasive particles cause damage to the healthy skin underneath. You are effectively putting thousands of tiny scratches on your face - removing the bad stuff, but also creating potential sites for infection. Pay particular attention to #5 and #4 when you are exfoliating, and moisturize immediately afterwards  Note that scrubs with polyurethane beads, (round, plastic, smooth ones) will not tear skin and are fine for use as an exfoliant. There are also chemical exfoliants available that have anti-aging properties.

9. Wash your towels frequently. Just like your pillowcase, your towel accumulates dirt. When you touch it to your face, especially right after washing it, you are infecting your open pores with bacteria.

10. Moisturize immediately after washing your face or showering. You know that "dry" feeling you get after standing in front of the mirror for a few minutes after showering, especially in the winter when the weather is cold and dry? That is the feeling of the immediate evaporation of moisture due to the lack of oils in your skin. Shorter showers with lukewarm water will prevent this, but you should also apply moisturizer immediately to your still-damp skin after getting out of the shower. This will lock in the moisture.

Thanks to reader and medical esthetics student Laura Payne for her help in adding some depth to these points for me, as well as the product recommendations. Check out her work here: (Blog) (Twitter) (YouTube)


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The Most Important Time to Dress Well

In the United States, the most flagrant misconception about dressing well is that it is something you should do only for formal occasions. The popular notion is that you should put in effort when you go out on Friday night, or when you go to a wedding, or when you have a meeting with clients - but not when you run to the store, or get on an airplane, or go to a dive bar.

The fact, however, is that the woman (or man, for that matter) who dresses well is the one that shows up looking good when everyone else is not. A well-dressed woman puts a priority on looking good, regardless of the situation. This doesn't mean that she never dresses comfortably, but it does means that she does so less frequently. More importantly, even when she does dress comfortably, she maintains a sense of style and considers her appearance above her preference to "just throw something on." The most important time to dress well is whenever you are inclined to put in the least amount of effort. It is in these occasions that you stand out from the crowd. So, I challenge you:

For the next three days, whenever you choose your clothes for any occasion, step up the quality and formality of your appearance by one degree relative to what you would normally wear.

If you were going to wear a t-shirt to the grocery store, choose a blouse instead. If you wouldn't normally wear your formal jacket for a trip to the mall, do it this time. If your heels are usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights, wear them to work. If you don't usually do your hair when you go to a sports bar, put in at least twenty minutes to make it look its best before leaving the house. If you normally wear old and ugly workout clothes when you go to the gym because "it's just working out", get some new ones that work with your complexion.

If you need to, set an extra alarm on your phone for the next three days as a reminder. I've done this myself and I guarantee that you will be surprised by how much better you feel - not to mention look - as you go about your normal activities.

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Are Manicures Worth It?

Last year, two of my female cousins were in town, staying with me for a wedding we were all attending. When they arrived, they told me they had to find a place nearby to get manicures and pedicures. Since they'd only just arrived, but the salons would be closing soon, they invited me to come with them so we could catch up. "You can get your nails done with us" they suggested.

I'm mildly homophobic, so I balked a little; but I'd heard of straight guys getting them before, and I was also curious to see what these "manicure" things were all about. Eventually I decided that there had to be some boundaries, so I accepted their invitation but insisted on leaving my feet untouched - no pedicure, because that would be gay (ha!).

Now, I understand that some women get their nails painted with fairly ornate patterns at nail salons, others have fake nails applied very carefully, and I am sure there are some other practical reasons for a trip to the salon. And don't get me wrong - the hand massage was awesome and I got to catch up with my cousins while we were sitting there. But as I looked at my nails after the manicure was finished, I struggled to see any significant difference from how they would have looked if I'd spent ten minutes on them myself. And in that moment, I realized something: women do not go to nail salons to have their nails cleaned; you go to nail salons to be pampered. Lesson learned.

So are manicures worth it? Should you go to the salon before going out every weekend? Well, I can tell you with certainty that a manicure won't help you attract men any more than spending a few minutes clipping your nails an cuticles by yourself, and maybe painting your nails (which adds a nice effect when it is done tastefully, by the way). But if you think it is worth it to get your hands oiled and massaged, and to sit back and relax while small Vietnamese women attend to your every need, I say go for it. I get it. I'm not judging.


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