Sunday, August 19, 2012

Are You Repressing Your Femininity?

In the same vein as the recent post I made about femininity, authenticity and compatibility, the following are excerpts from David Deida’s book Dear Lover (Chapter 9):
As a young woman, you may have dreamt of masculine saviors: horses, pop stars, white nights - any animal  or human, real or imaginary, that could take you somewhere new, somewhere magic. Deep in your heart you felt that someday a man would see your true beauty, your true light, your boundless ocean of love, and take you to the place you always wanted to be...
But at some point, you probably stopped trusting the yearning of your own feminine heart. You may have absorbed the anti-feminine attitude of your culture. Or possibly your family strongly emphasized masculine values.
For one reason or another, you probably became convinced that it is better - stronger - to navigate for yourself, to take yourself somewhere rather than trust to be taken by love.
Maybe your parents found your little sister more pretty than you, so you protected your crushed heart with a shell of masculine ambition. "My little sister may be pretty, but I'm going to be a scientist!" Perhaps you felt how your mother was restricted and belittled by your father, so you protected your vulnerable heart with a shell of masculine control: "Nobody is going to tell me what to do. I'm the sailor of my own ship!"
If you chose to be a scientist because you loved science, or chose to navigate your own life because that was your greatest bliss, then such decisions would be healthy and fulfilling. But if you chose to be a scientist because your parents ignored your radiance and your heart was crushed, or if you chose to guide your own life because you didn't want to be hurt like your mother was, then you have created shells built of fear rather than moved by the openness of love.
Beneath all your shells, your deep heart is always full of love's light. So, at heart, showing open as light and flowing open as love's offering is the most ecstatic and true way to live. But your acquired shells have their own voice: "Beauty is only skin deep." "My mind is more important than my body." "I can't trust men." "If I want a man's love I've got to make him want me." "My professional goals are more crucial to my life's happiness than who I go with or how much love I offer through my life and every breath."
These are all lies, and your deep feminine heart knows it. Yet, you are confused, because your shells can be so strong. You can come to believe the lies of your shells, and therefore, you can live an entire life betraying your deepest desire: to be recognized as light, adored and worshiped as love's radiance, offering yourself as a gift of love to be claimed by true divine masculine integrity...
Perhaps you try to trust a man and he eventually leaves you. Again you feel betrayed, so now, again from fear, you build yet another shell - "independent career woman" - that will protect you from being hurt or left in the cold by a man's untrustable commitment.
If you are like most women, you were born with a more feminine sexual essence...

If any of this caught your attention, you can get the book on

I know a couple girls that have also gotten a lot from reading The Way of The Superior Man, which is also by David Deida. It is written for men, but touches on most of the same principles, just from a male rather than female perspective. Some people, myself included, prefer the more direct writing style in The Way of The Superior Man.

In any case, if this post is interesting to you, or if you are curious about the implications of sexual difference, I highly recommend both books.


  1. So true, this, Andrew.
    Many a modern woman has been through this cycle at least once.

  2. I can honestly say I repress my femininity a little but it doesn't come from a hurt, broken place. I simply choose to focus on things I can control like my career which I'm absolutely in genuine love with, rather than love, men and relationships. Plus I grew up with masculine values being hip to hip with my father. Which in turn became a benefit for romantic affairs, without tooting my own horn, guys seemed to romantically like me faster cause I have a certain laid-backness (without being a tomboy) which is more of a masculine quality. Only now at 23, I'm beginning to listen to my feminine heart more - in wanting a romantic partner etc etc....I'll be checking this book out, thanks for recommending.

  3. I absolutely love David Deida - he has some mind-blowing ideas. Awesome that you are a big fan. I would also recommend Blue Truth!

  4. I really hate the idea that if I am successful its because I am ugly. I was always a pretty girl who also got the top grades in my class, I have an highly above average intellect but I love wearing dresses and getting my hair done. Its not one or the other. I should abandon my natural potential because I am pretty just like I don't have to abandon my looks because I smart and successful.

    I am very feminine in relationships and masculine at work, the biggest mistake I made was working away my 20s while treating men casually. Now at 31 I realize I need to be more serious about a relationship and can maintain work without making it my life.

    1. "I really hate the idea that if I am successful its because I am ugly."

      What gave you the impression I was saying this? I didn't mean that at all. I also do not think you should give up on your intellectual or professional potential because you are pretty. What I was saying is that you shouldn't give up being pretty or feminine (against your natural inclination to be that way) in order to pursue intellectual or professional success.

  5. Also, thanks for recommending this book. The writing is beautiful. Definitely checking it out.

  6. I really do not understand why men have so little empathy for the "natural feminine situation" which is nothing more than being robbed of agency.

    1. "Robbed of agency"

      Using the same logic, i get robbed of ten hours of my life when i go to work each weekday.

      Men naturally don't enjoy competition in their love life. You can choose to lower your agency in order to benefit from strong masculine agency, or you can skip that and be your own man and marry a pussified she-man.

      I guess one skip both of those alternatives and instead just go on and hate reality.

      It's up to you how you want to spend your life. But no matter what you choose, there will be consequences.

  7. I see this post connected to the one you did on Katy Perry.

    When women become cynical and stop looking for love, it is usually a consequence of what they've experienced. Yes, some may feel "inspired" to become more masculine, as Katy Perry is advertising, but most of the time the cynicism is a result of being screwed over, or witnessing other women being screwed over, or not having any happy couples to look up to (or a combination of the three). A lot of women, myself included, will often keep maintaining their appearance (out of vanity or a need to be desired). This doesn't help though, as men will continue approaching you, for your looks only. If they only want sex (perhaps because we're not open and loving), it just confirms the theory that all men are assholes.

    Maintaining a feminine appearance is not difficult, especially if you have a good face and body to begin with, and you have some practice with makeup, hair, clothes etc. It's the spirit that's the problem. I think it's a bit too easy to tell someone to be open, trusting and loving. It's a bit like telling someone to be "positive" on their way into Guantanamo or to tell them to start believing in God if they don't. In every other aspect in life, would you attempt something that has continuously failed you in the past? I think the definition of idiocy is to make the same attempt over and over again, expecting a different result. (Given that you haven't made obvious mistakes in your attempts).
    The women I know who ONLY go for men with money and status - those usually referred to as "golddiggers" - are women who have been hurt and stopped believing they could have a happy marriage and decided the best solution was to find someone was merely rich (so they'd get something out of it).

    I'm 22 so it might be a little early to give up. All I'm saying is that the main reasons for repressing your femininity (considering you have very feminine characteristics to begin with, which I do) is not family pressure or society, it's the attempts you've made yourself, using your feminine skills. And it takes a lot more than self-convincing to believe in them again - I still don't know how.

    1. Good post. Would love to see others comment on it.

    2. Wow this was a very good comment, and i must say I agree. The article was also great. I was (sort of still am) one of those women who had a strong (still has a bit) of masculine energy. As for the reason, you hit the nail head on, when you spoke of the mother-father dynamic I grew up with (and the way my father treated me). I always promised myself that I would never let a man hurt me in my own life. Although fear is a wonderful evolutionary trait, as you stated, many fear-based decisions can be very costly.

      I have been in relationships in the past where I overpowered the men (in all cases) but it just wasn't satisfying. They were great men, but I the idea of them never standing up to me didn't sit well (I wasn't a crazy bitch...I was just sick of feeling like the man). Im thankful I finally see my role in all of this (I would have scoffed at this article even a year ago). I finally realize I want to be a strong WOMAN. I don't want to try and be a strong MAN; It's almost a slap in the face (of every woman) to attempt that. Im finally realizing that women are more than strong AS women, and we don't need to try and be masculine (unless that's just your true nature).

      I also agree with the above comment of men solely wanting me for my looks when Im not inline with who I really am on the inside. This originally turned me bitter...but through a lot of soul searching (and articles like this) I was able to understand this dynamic.

      To the above commuter, Im now 28 and i spent a lot of years in anger and resentment towards the male species. I more or less became as masculine as I could. I was able to let all that go when I realized how much I LOVE and respect being a woman (and how much I LOVE and respect women). A lot of the bitterness was lost when I realized I am the only one that has the power over my mind, and my happiness. I wasn't about to sour my mind and live in a place of fear because of people that were probably acting in fear and insecurity themselves. How someone treats ain't my I treat myself IS. I deserve to be happy and make decisions for myself based on love...not fear.

      It's a tremendously hard journey...Im still working on it...

      Once again...thank you for this article and the comment (Im typing my comment from my phone, so pardon the spelling/grammar)

  8. I read both of those and found them helpful. Like you, I prefer the writing style in "Superior Man". Did you read any of the other books? I know Deida wrote a couple more and I am considering checking it out.

    Only problem I have is that although I understand and agree with his view on 'polarity', I am not sure if I can make it work. I'm very emotional, very sensitive and have very strong needs to pursued and desired. If I'm with a very unemotional man, it might draw me to him in the short term, but I feel as if I will wind up frustrated in the end. Although I'm emotional in spirit, I don't show my feelings a lot. And if a man doesn't show his either, it can be difficult to 'reach through' to one another and to know for sure that the other person is genuine. I dated a man I was nuts about, but I never managed to show my affection other than through physical contact - sex, cuddling etc. But he sometimes doubted how interested I was and said I gave off a vibe like I didn't care.
    How am I supposed to find my 'correct' polarity? I don't know if I find the wrong men or if I actually find the right ones, but drive them away.

    1. No, I've only read those two.

      You probably just need a balance of emotion and strength. Most women do. Expect that the guy who fits this description might attract you a little less initially, but later in a relationship you will develop more attraction for his ability to meet you on an emotional level, while the "Stud" who's strength was such an initial turn on will start to seem shallow after dating for a while.

  9. Thanks for this post Andrew, I really liked reading it.

    Its true that when men or women get burned they usually lose trust but I would say this is much more true of men than women.If a man truly falls in love and is hurt he can close down and end up in a series of superficial relationships, whereas women are more likely to truly open up to new possiblities.

    Personally I feel you should trust someone till they prove they cannot be trusted and take it slow.If you really think about it then there are probably one or two people you trust 100%, if that.
    I will check out the books, they sound interesting...

  10. I don't know. I've personally always dreamed of being the hero. Not so much of rescuing my 'true love' but of rescuing the entire world, and of being loved by all people, not just being loved by the man who rescued me. I don't personally see anything wrong with that.

    1. (same person, I had another thought I forgot to add)

      I think that the idea that all women want to be 'rescued' is a bit antiquated, if I'm being honest.

    2. It sounds like you want to be a celebrity. Female celebrities aren't loved by a man, they are loved by the populace. I often feel sorry for men married to female celebrities, because they receive so much affirmation from their fans that they rarely need any from their man. They, in turn, are less inclined to give any back.

      If you wonder why so many celebrities are getting divorced, this is your answer: men can fuck around endlessly when they're famous; women don't need a man when they're famous.

    3. I'm curious of your opinion of 'models'. I see men talk about "celebrities and models" as the most attractive women. I am assuming what they mean is underwear models/Victoria's Secret etc. Because today's fashion models don't really fit the female ideal, the way they used to.
      I've done some modeling before and I have friends in the industry. Most of the time they are not the most desired by men - 6" tall, size 0 and with androgynous features. A model agent once told me they are not looking for pretty girls, it is better to be 'plain'.
      I am not sure if models are actually more admired by other women than by men. I have had the impression that some men want to date models because they can tell their friends they're "dating a model", but maybe I am just projecting here, thinking men care more about this type of "status" than they do? Or would it be beneficial to pursue more modeling for the sake of it, as something men would find attractive?

    4. Your first intuition is correct: swimsuit and underwear models are the ones you want to emulate. Forget about the runway shit, no one likes those girls - not for their look, their status or their career.

    5. It's what I thought. But I do wonder why I see some of these 6", size 0 models with very attractive men? Are they trophys or what? (I'm talking about men with good options).

    6. They are trophies, unless they are exceptional in that they have both looks and personality.

      Check out how long they remain with their men.

      I have not researched it, but my hunch is that they only remain as a couple for a few years or even less. I assume that if the models are trophies, then the man will start dating other women on the side, and unless he is very wealthy, it will cause them to split up.

  11. This post is good and helpful.
    Is enthusiasm a masculine, feminine or neutral trait?
    I have what you call a typical feminine nature - I'm very emotional, sensitive (don't know if that's feminine) and I usually look for a man to take charge. I'm a bit shy with new people and somewhat introverted, so the guys I end up dating are always very extroverted and confident. The guy I'm seeing now is also a very enthusiastic/outgoing person. I am just one of those more 'calm' people. He's teased me a couple of times going "you're so enthusiastic!", but I feel like it's more than a joke. He asked me what I did last weekend and I mentioned where I was Friday and Saturday and that it was "ok.." (truth is it was uncomfortable because a friend tried to fix me up with a guy I knew from before, but I didn't want to tell him that). Now I'm afraid I'm coming across as negative. Should I work to boost my enthusiasm even if it's outside my nature?

    1. Enthusiasm - in the sense of excitement over something of interest - isn't masculine or feminine. Men can get excited about all kinds of things, just as women can. Exuberance, on the other hand, which I would define as the outward expression of that excitement, is more feminine than masculine.

      It sounds like in your case, your lack of confidence suppresses your exuberance. Try practicing good posture whenever you feel nervous or insecure; it should make a big difference.

      Read the post titled How to Improve Your Posture

  12. I am reading Superior Man and feel robbed. Married to an alcoholic for years I became a masculine female. I had to. Foreshadowed as a child having a beautiful sister I was a tomboy. I had to be mother and father to my son and daughter and did not do well.

    How I crave to meet " A Superior Man". I want to be cherished.

  13. I’m glad I came across this post. I have unintentionally built my heart with a "shell of masculine control", due to my brothers. I have three older brothers, and growing up, I have witnessed their mischief when it came to playing with women's hearts. Whenever I’m dating a guy with potential and attempt to get my brothers’ opinions on things, their answer to absolutely everything is, “he just wants to get laid, no matter all the nice things he says/does”. Sure its facilitated the process of filtering out the douche bags; however, my feminine optimism of finding love has greatly changed. Men aren’t the strong masculine saviors anymore, they’re just pigs that want to get laid. Perhaps my developed perception of men have put my brothers at ease, but it’s definitely not the feminine approach. Thank you for helping me see this :)

  14. Hi Andrew,
    I've been reading your blog pretty intensively, you give alot of great advice!!
    I am really trying to be more feminine in my relationship and trying to stop my attempts to 'run the show'. Its tough though, because I dont think I have that many very feminine role models in my life. My mom is very feminine, but obviously, at 22, its hard to apply her style of femininity to my own life. I'm studying accounting and finance, and all the girls in my course are tough, ambitious, managerial and very 'in control'. THis is also how I am most of the time, but I dont find it works in my relationship at all, and its pretty exhausting constantly trying to manage every aspect of my life.

    I'm very feminine in looks and generally find guys easy to get along with and have no issues attracting guys. My problem is that I don't know how to act in a relationship. I'm currently dating an amazing guy, and have been for the past year. He has strong values, is very intelligent, is kind to people, has a good job and works really hard and is also good looking. Before we started dating, we were best friends for 3 years. On paper it makes the perfect relationship. But recently it started to go wrong. Over the past 3 months, we have fought regularly, we hardly have sex anymore, I feel anxious around him and unsure of what to say to "fix things"

    I think a big part of the problem is that I constantly try to lead things, initiate things, manage things and have difficulty relaxing and expressing my feelings. When I try to express feelings I get anxious that they will be rejected or that he will think I'm being soppy or silly or weak? How do guys like to be treated in a relationship?

  15. Femininty is something we learn. It is not something we are born with. How can we repress something that isn't there to begin with?

  16. I'm French plus a teacher so I can indulge in total femininity! But, I have fallen under the influence of cutting my hair and dressing less feminine because I was apathetic and I didn't think anyone cared! But, my husband did so I had to get back in the game but he's still a hold out. I know I look better and I get admiration from men and women but NEVER from the man I love. It's like he's trying not to notice. I'm lost.

  17. Oh and I'm not big and I have long hair again... So I'm following the rules ��

  18. "My mind is more important than my body." - So what is the opposite of this? A woman is supposed to define her worth as a human based on her body? This is beyond demeaning... There is nothing "feminine" about reducing yourself to a sexual commodity of men.

    Trying to convince women they are repressing their femininity by having desires and interests beyond traditional roles (I should say the traditional myth, as the this 1950s ideal did not exist all throughout the history prior) is not beneficial for anyone & is, frankly, not going to ever work in the long-run. This is because no matter how much some people want to convince everyone that women are "lesser men", we are not. We too are whole, adult humans, with the variety of skills, talents, abilities, desires and potential that lie within men. This does not make us competitors at all. If you want a true complement, a genuine partner in life, than a half-person who exists to "complete" you is not it. A person who is complete on their own is what will enrich your life. The issue is if you're up to being a whole person also, or if your ego needs the crutch of someone "inferior" so you don't have to bother to grow as an individual.

    A truly feminine is a whole, complete human with the full range of emotion & abilities. To confine these to what the traditional role offers is a disservice to humanity. A society which deprives women of the opportunity to meet their potential is depriving itself of the opportunity to meet its highest potential. Getting women to believe their value is in their body has been the traditional means of accomplishing just that crime. People cannot & will not ever understand what femininity is as long as they make it the "opposite" of masculinity, which is not to say they are the same. As long as the two are being defined against each other, it asks people to not be whole humans.