Thursday, March 14, 2013

Yeah, That's About Right


Hi Andrew,

I would like to start this email with a sincere compliment about how much I have enjoyed your blog over the past few months since I discovered it. You have given me so much food for thought, whether I agree with you or not, and challenge my opinions and perceptions of the male-female dynamic. I am thankful that you take the time to write this blog.  : )

I have a suggestion for one of your blog posts. I very frequently find that women are quite obtuse when it comes to knowing when a man is hitting on her. When I was younger, my father once said, "Nicole, if a man you don't know is talking to you for any reason, he is hitting on you."

When I share this piece of information with my females friends, they scoff. "NO! That's not true! What if he needed directions? Or help picking out a ripe cantaloupe at the market? Or the best bus to take to get downtown the fastest?" The list goes on and on. On the flip side, when I share my dad's advice with another guy and ask his opinion of it, their response is almost always, "Yeah, that's about right."

The reason I bring this up is because I think there are many women out there that may not be able to recognize when a man is hitting on them or trying to pick them up. Perhaps if women were more attuned to when they were being hit on, their success of flirting and engaging with men would be greater. If you agree, I have a feeling that a post about this would be very helpful to your female readers.

Thanks so much and keep up the good work!

Much love,
Nicole
____________________________________________

Nicole,

Yeah, that's about right.

Andrew


Related Posts
1. Misconceptions
2. "The Wong Kind of Attention"
3. Why Women Don't Know What Men Want
4. Why You Don't Get Approached by Men

88 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I like this article. It makes things pretty clear: they're talking to you because they pure and simple find you attractive and not because they're thinking..."ooh let's get married and make babies". I think, as a side point, it's quite easy to overestimate interest when a man is talking to you. So if he's talking to you once, it doesn't mean he'll follow you up with a chase. Then you have to filter and figure out what they're looking for out of the interaction. There are the men who are clearly acting as the wingman. The wingman stuff is frustrating because some men will never go for you even if they find you attractive because they don't want to step over their friend.

      Because men can be better at dealing with rejection, they may easily see you as just another woman they find attractive and quickly move on if they think that you're not signalling enough interest in return. My problem is that I come on too strong without realising it, even if the man is initiating conversation with me.

      If I was a man, I would certainly try to establish early on into the conversation, whether a woman is single. Some men wait a bit of time to approach so they know she is single (or use Facebook ha). It took me until I was maybe 20 to learn how to not lead men on (I would do this because I was assuming that their interest was purely friendly or because I denied their interest, which really wasn't kind). I know better now.

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    2. Facebook is not necessarily an indicator of "takedness". I was "single" statused for 9 months into my current relationship. Just because he wasn't my "friend" on it and just never bothered to change my status.

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    3. @Erika - Yeah you're right of course. Personally I hardly use Facebook and can't be bothered with it much. Despite the fact that I'm far from being a model, as soon as my status changed to single, I ended up with weird messages from men I hardly know. Then I had others swooping in, wanting to know all the latest information about my break-up. Eww.

      I think if I started a relationship next week, I wouldn't change my Facebook relationship status and I'd ask the guy if he was cool with that. Relationships are best left out of the public domain. I mean when you think about it from a distance, it's not as if you advertise your relationship status to people in other social settings (besides the obvious).

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    4. Lucy: That sounds really weird. First of all, you can choose which information is private and which is public. There is no reason why the relationship status should be public more than your phone number, skype or whatnot.
      If you have creepers on your friend list, they shouldn't be friends. Either change social circle or remove them.
      So I see absolutely no reason as to why a woman should get unwanted attention once she changes her relationship status.

      One option is to have nothing. If a guy has no status, that's fine. Whether he has pictures of us depends on how much he uses facebook at all. Obviously it is NOT fine for him to be listed as "single". It is false and guys do that if they want to appear single to most women on facebook. I have witnessed this among friends as well.
      It is okay not to advertise a relationship online but it is not okay to advertise oneself as single when in a relationship.

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    5. @Sophie -

      Oh I definitely deleted them at the time. My main dislike of public relationship details is the fact that my private life is no longer private. I'd want to keep details private for the sake of the relationship. My relationship status is no longer public.

      I agree with what you said above. There is no reason why someone should be showing as 'single' when they are in a relationship. That's definitely crossing a line.

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  2. SERIOUSLY???... No wonder a coworker has laughed at me in the past and said I was oblivious.

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  3. What about when the guy is just naturally outgoing, social and talks to all people (men and women) in the manner, for no reason? Some people are just like, doesn't necessarily mean they're flirting.

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    1. Depends on the context in which he is talking to you?

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    2. I think if you're in a public place in which people don't generally talk much, like in a supermarket or a gym or something and a guy comes up to you and starts talking, then you can assume he's hitting on you. There's a server in my local subway who started a conversation with me and I got freaked out in my head trying to figure out whether he was hitting on me or not. Now I think that he was being more than friendly.

      At the same time, I have made observations from situations which generally anticipate heavy interaction. I'm a scout and on our big camps/jamborees, I mostly stick to hanging with the ladies and even though it's a big social event where you're expected to interact with lots of people, the men mostly stick to themselves as well (including the really outgoing ones). The only time I've had a closer conversation with one is if he's decided to seek me out. We still all hang out together but one-to-one conversation tends to imply that they want to spend more time with you.

      The more I think about it, the more I think this is true. In most situations around men I don't know, they don't go out of their way to start talking to me and it's mostly me carrying the conversation. But when a guy does start a conversation with me, it's remarkable due to the fact it doesn't happen so much. I think there is quite a bit of social separation of the sexes and it's only something I really noticed when I followed the advice of this blog and stopped chasing men.

      There's a few obvious pointers: if he isn't a) a tourist asking for directions, b)gay, or c)required to be outgoing and friendly as part of his job i.e. in a sales role, then he's probably hitting on you. And I tend to think, but I may be wrong, that if the man is much older than you then he is talking to you like he would a daughter (unless he's creepy). I look pretty young and seem to get friendly older men talking to me a lot, something which I see as entirely innocent.

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    3. Oh another question: Don't pick up artists talk to almost any woman they find, regardless of whether they like her or not, simply to practice their technique? i.e. people for whom flirting is a sport. In a situation like that, you can't always know that the man is genuinely interested in you at all.

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    4. “Don’t pick up artists talk to almost any woman they find, regardless of whether they like her or not, simply to practice their technique?”

      While I’m loathe to describe myself as a PUA this is something I do when I’m looking for women on a night out alright. When I start off early in the night I will chat to lots of 5s and 6s – they almost never turn me down and are always up for banter. This provides me with the good mood and mental armour necessary for taking on the 7s, 8s and 9s who are more likely to knock me back later that night.

      In general though, Andrew and Nicole are right – we won’t waste too much time talking to someone we’re not interested in.

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    5. Actually. MY man is exactly this kind of guy. He is "hitting" on men and women all the time, with this logic... if he doesn't get to meet a new person for a fewe days, he gets itchy. He is in Sales too, so very successful at chatting up people for any reason. Ifn I thought that every woman he chats to he is hitting on, i would be miserable indeed...

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    6. Totally agree that it all depends on the personality of the guy involved, the context and the circumstances surrounding the interaction. Some guys are just naturally friendly and outgoing - I know one who smiles and says Hi and Good Morning to little old ladeis walking their dogs in the evening. He is definitely NOT hitting on those little old ladies. Men and women who work for the same organisation or go to the same church sometimes smile at each other and make small talk without having romantic intentions. On the other hand, men know better not to make advances to strangers in public places and they well know this is a "creeper" move and the women could well tack the coppers onto them. If they do see an attractive stranger and there is a totally legitimate reason to speak to them, then men would engage those women without intentions to go any further than that - ie to have a friendly conversation with an attractive woman.

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    7. @Anon. - I agree. I don't think it reflects on me if I don't hit on often by strangers. I take it as proof that the majority of men have good manners.

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    8. Hi Lucy. As a 46 year old married hag, I have learnt through hard experience over the years that you can't assume anything with a guy until he actually says something along the lines of "I like you. Will you go out with me ?" I think women tend to read a lot more into things when they actually like someone or want something to happen - tormenting themselves over what they thought were "meaningful" looks and glances when in actual fact the poor guy might just have a lazy eye or something. Guys throw out flirtaeous "openings" as a sport, to enjoy the "buzz" of the moment and not seriously intending or expecting to pursue anything. They then totally forget what they said and did the very next day. When I was younger a work colleague kept saying to me that the both of us should go out for drinks yet never followed up. I agonised over this for a long time, whether or not he liked me and what to do to take things further. Then he spied him talking to a middle aged married with kids colleague and what did he say ? Yes. The two of them should catch up for drinks sometime.

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    9. @Anon 6.57AM - Yes! I totally understand what you are getting at. About a year ago I was obsessing over this guy who'd flirted with me and touched my arm while talking. I thought "well there must be something there" and ended up becoming infatuated. That was until I realised that it probably meant nothing and I cringed about how I'd reacted to it. Now I don't spend too long analysing anything a man says. I see how it translates into his actions.

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  4. Andrew, I have a lot of male acquaintances, because I like sports and working out, and am in clubs that attract the genders equally, like camping-type clubs. Given this post, which says that that, with guys you don't know, normal-seeming interactions to women are usually those men expressing sexual/romantic interest, because they wouldn't talk to you if they weren't interested, I wonder how does this apply to guys you DO know, but not well, that is, acquaintances? This is from the point of view of someone not necessarily trying to flirt. For now, perhaps I will engage more that way, but ultimately, I only want one boyfriend, not a hundred. ... How many will still want to hang out with me if I get a boyfriend or they get girlfriends? It makes me a bit sad. I could be acquaintances or friendquaintances with someone I liked a bit if we were attached to others, because it's just a bit of icing on the interaction, not a reason or a spoiler, but men are different, so... ? If most of them were not sincere friendquaintanceships, that would make me sad... Though, of course, I also like to be seen as attractive. But just an extra, you know?

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    1. You have no male friends. There are men who are interested in you sexually and men who think you are undesirable sexually. The former have no reason to interact with you if you are not available to reciprocate interest. The latter don't care much about you at all.

      As for if they would still be your friendquaintice(?) if they had a girl? Unlikely. GF wouldn't like it and men don't generally feel a need to collect friendquaintices(!?) for 'icing' on their attention-cake.

      I think that's what you were asking.

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    2. Andrew, would you agree with the above comment? Three of my best friends are guys, and although one I know liked me when we first became friends, the other two I genuinely don't think ever had any interest (and they are definitely NOT gay). I think that women and men can truly be friends without being interested in each other.

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    3. @vVicomte-It's reassuring to know that men "don't generally feel a need to collect friendquaintices(!?) for 'icing' on their attention-cake." If I were in a relationship and my man preferred that I didn't have male friends, I would be okay with that.I wouldn't feel comfortable with him chatting up other women and having female friends either so it's seems like a fair enough trade-off to me.
      p.s. Are you the same Vicomte over at Dalrock's blog?

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    4. Christina,

      In male-female relationships, one party always has SOME kind of feelings for the other. So if you don't have feelings for your guy friends, it means they have feelings for you. It really is that simple.

      Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that their feelings for you are strong enough for them to want to sleep with you or date you, but it is probable that they are, and you can be sure that if that attraction wasn't there, they wouldn't want to hang out with you.

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    5. Anon,

      I very rarely comment at Dalrock's, but if it was something half clever and entirely devoid of substance, it was probably me.

      If it's theological or in any way religious, not me.

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    6. So, Andrew, if some of your male friends turned into women and you were not attracted to them, you wouldn't be their friend, anymore? I just can't believe that no guy I think is my friend actually is.

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  5. Girls may not know it when guys talk to them, but they know it when their boyfriends talk to other girls.

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    1. This is an incredibly insightful point.

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    2. Agree w Anon... A friend of mine broke up with his longtime girlfriend and he started dating a lot of women. What she foound out recently was that he was trying to recreate his relationship with his ex, who he still has feelings for and is trying to get back together with. My friend looks similar to her, and she is wondering whether to dump him. She and the guy dated briefly but he dumped her when he was trying to get back together with his ex and then when the ex didn't want to get back together with him, he went running back to my friend.

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    3. ...friends with them both. but either way it's fucked up. What's the protocol for getting back together with an ex, and whyt he hell would anyone want to try to date someone who is pretty much dating them because (1) they have mental issues over their ex, and (2) are obviously using the other person. I guess there's a lot of lonliness and desperation going on.. but clearly fucked up.

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  6. OK so does this mean that guys don't see girls as friends or potential friends? I think I have guy friends but not many, there are a lot of guys who will just walk off if they sense you are not interest even if the conversation is enjoyable, I think this is quite rude. I think the worse thosugh is when they pretend that they also just want to be friends and actually keep hitting on you hoping you will sleep with them, although I do not know where they get this insane idea from.
    So what do you do if your are interested in a guy as only a friend, but you do want to be friends. Whats wrong with being friends with girls?

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    1. Do a youtube search for "can men and women be friends". You'll find all your answers in the top video.

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    2. Wow...interesting video. Ok but its different if they are gay right?

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    3. I've seen that video before, it's pretty telling. Here is an active link:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

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    4. I think this second part is also pretty good:

      http://youtu.be/FYQmqxQgEBY

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    5. but that's the view of college age, probably immature individuals... it's okay to have ugly friends of the opposite sex but not attractive friends of the opposite sex?? That's a reflection of insecurity. I have several guy friends. MY best friend is a guy. My boyfriend knows my guy friends. My bf also has a lot of female friends, and that's pretty normal. They know we are dating and people respect that.

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    6. 'it's okay to have ugly friends of the opposite sex but not attractive friends of the opposite sex??'

      No. It's 'Men and women are not and cannot be friends if one of them is attracted to the other, and one of them is always attracted (usually the man).

      Obviously you're certain that none of your male friends are at all attracted to you, nor are your boyfriend's female friends attracted to him.

      But then you say people 'respect' the fact that you're dating each other, which implies restraint in regard to some temptation, which implies attraction.

      Methinks the lady doth protest...

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    7. haha..yes, emphasis on "implies" ...i guess it goes to the definition of attraction and whether that equates to acting on that attraction. i have hot friends that i'm not attracted to. the only man on earth i'd want to have sex with is my bf. he's probably a 6-7 on the hotness scale. There are men who are more attractive and way hotter.

      In effect that also suggests that a man, except fort he one who lives in a world with the one woman he is dating/in a realtionship wit and only men, can be faithful.

      Youthinks probably right--restraint is impt. IF a guy can't restrain himself, then that speaks volumes about his relationship with whomever he's dating...probably not meant to be.

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    8. @anon

      That's awesome that your bf is the only man you'd want to sleep with. I think relationships would be so much happier and secure if people only had desires and feelings for their partner.

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    9. Attraction (attracted) for the purpose of this discussion means "Sexual/romantic attraction toward another" not necessarily 'hot' 'good looking' or 'physically attractive'.

      Actually acting on the attraction is irrelevant, the only thing that matters(for our current purposes) is if the attraction exists in vitro, in and of itself.

      You're not attracted to your 'hot friends'--I can buy that. But are they attracted to you? The answer is yes, unless they are gay or you are among the most masculine women in the world (impossible based on your current style of debate--trust me).

      Restraint (again, in the context of attraction between friends of different genders) holds no relevancy to the topic unless attraction is present, negating your entire argument.

      So, madam, please answer the question so we can settle this for now and ever more:

      It is your honest, truthful, and accurate opinion that none of your male friends are at all attracted to you; nor are your boyfriend's female friends at all attracted to him; nor is he attracted to any of his female friends, correct?

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    10. Well, my position is not as flawed as the proposition that men and women are unable to co-exist without attraction (as you define it). Intent and acting on those intentions, as you know, makes all the difference in the world :) As you define attraction, I disagree that men and women are unable to be JUST friends. After all, the term "friend" does imply some form of affection... There is some truth to your position, but pretty much every male who is friends with a woman would be lusting for each other. That is unimaginable!

      If, however, a man/woman finds him/herself attracted to someone (or several someones), then that says that that person: is not interested in monogamy, is not in a true romantic relationship, or hasn't found what they're looking for...

      To answer your questions, based on your definition of attraction: I believe that several of my guy friends are attracted to me. I believe that several of my bf's female friends are attracted to him. He hasn't indicated that to me, and I think I'd be lying to myself if I said he could never be. And as much as I'd like to say that he would never cheat on me, it is my hope--a hope backed by great confidence--that he would respect me enough to not do so. And I trust him. Similarly, I would never cheat on him, nor would I be attracted to any of my male friends in intent or action.

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    11. so then what are girls supposed to do when their boyfriend has female friends?
      If the above is true then he's probably attracted to some of them.

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    12. 'I believe that several of my guy friends are attracted to me. I believe that several of my bf's female friends are attracted to him. '

      Prosecution rests.

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    13. Wow, those videos are so telling and makes me feel kinda dumb for asking a question that seems to have such a simple answer but still I feel like insisting that men and women can be friends, like there has to be more to it than that...

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    14. Vicomte, speaking as a lawyer, you didn't prove shit. You are mixing universal and existential quantifiers. You said,"all dogs are spotted" and she responded, "some of my dogs are spotted." If you rest your case there, I move for directed verdict.
      I have numerous female friends that I have no desire to engage with sexually.

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  7. Well. What about the opposite though? when women talk to men, that doesn't necessarily mean they try to hit on him... so why for guys? what's the science behind it? Andrew, you're good at this... - any thoughts?

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    1. Women's brains are hard wired to enjoy communicating/talking that's why in relationships women are the ones that are most likely trying to get their partner to talk about the relationship or how their day was or what they're partner is thinking/feeling.

      When a man goes out of his way to engage in small talk he has most likely has consciously made that decision because he is motivated to get something out of it, for example, a date with an attractive woman.

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  8. I tell my friends this all the time. Guys aren't trying to make female friends at the bar.

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  9. So you can't make friends with a guy the way you would be another woman unless he's attracted to you?

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  10. Apparently the only exception to women being friends with men is when you've bonded over something significant in life - growing up together, going through school/uni together, traveling together etc.
    Otherwise it's won't be true friendship!

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  11. Great.
    My boyfriend has female friends and of course some of them are pretty. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that he's probably attracted to some of them?!
    I swear it sucks being a girl sometimes, always having to watch out for better looking women.

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  12. The view that if a man approaches you he is probably interested in you, unless it is part of your job. However, attracted is not the same as determined to get you. You contral how far it goes.
    For those whose bfs have female friends, there is probably some attraction, but if you are only one he is dating, he has chosen you and is not interested in chasing any of the others (possible exception is if she ia paired with another guy who you find attractive).
    Friendship and attractions are NOT exclusive.

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  13. This post makes me depressed and elated at the same time. Down because I don't want my guy friends to think about me like that, happy because now It frees me up to be flirty and more confident when randomly approached by male strangers as I don't have to wonder if they are attracted to me. Its a lose-win situation.

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    1. if you are a decently attractive female, every guy friend you have has at one time or another jerked off thinking about you. :) doesn't mean they're not your friends. guys can certainly genuinely care about girls. it's just that they want to sleep with you as well.

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  14. This is eye-opening. I have lots of moments where I think "was he attracted to me?" like when a guy at the gym asks me a question or makes a comment randomly. Now I'm thinking the answer was yes. I tend to be pretty clueless though. I got propositioned by a guy at a party who had taken an unusual interest in me all night but since he was a friend of a friend I though he was just being friendly...and was shocked when he asked me to go home with him.

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  15. I know a few of my male friends have been attracted to me in the past. Thankfully I have been able to get on with most of them because we are adults and whilst attraction is acknowledged, it's possible to work past that. I'm not being naive because this is something I've worked out with them through conversation. With others, I don't mind if they drop off. If they are hanging around with me whilst harboring secret intentions after I have warned them off, then they are in that situation by their own volition. But I do find it disrespectful that they think they can change my mind. It makes me feel like they look at women as inferior beings who do not know their own mind.

    I have learnt not to expect too much from friendships with men and spend more time engaging with women. If I become genuine friends with a man then great, but I certainly do not seek out male friendships anymore. I don't think having a few male friends does me any harm but I have a more mature attitude to it than I used to.

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  16. Okay, this is something I have been wondering about and thought I might get some feedback on.
    I've seen posts along the lines of "is my boyfriend gay?" in the past. It is impossible to google the subject without getting a bunch of sarcastic websites with funny and exaggerated responses.
    I've always been of the idea that a man having sex with women is the biggest sign he is not gay - simple as that. Then again, a woman being a "beard" (girlfriend of a gay man posing as straight) is a common saying, for a reason I assume. I am sure some men can be in denial for a period of time, some for almost a lifetime.

    I am just curious of how common this is. Does it actually go to the extent where a woman should be aware of certain things to make sure she isn't a "beard"?

    I read this story, about a husband she describes as a typical 'masculine man', and it made me worry!
    http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/...n-dating-women

    I'm dating a guy who's sometimes a bit flamboyant in his storytelling. However he does spend a bit of time going down on me. And he likes sports/Top Gear.
    Do you know any gay men who's dated women?

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    1. Never been in such a situation, but an indicator could be if he has had sex before with other men, say, a foursome. I have yet to encounter a straight guy who enjoys kissing, doing anal with, sucking another man just to please his girlfriend.

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    2. I consider a man who's had sex with or kissed another man obvious. I'm not talking about those situations at all. I wouldn't date a bisexual man either.
      I mean scenarios as in the one in the article.

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  17. I'm 24, and I learned several years ago that men do not want to be friends with me. I accept it, and I understand why.

    I don't go out of my way to make male friends. I have some male acquaintances that I have met a few times or work with, but I don't go out of my way to get to know them any better. I draw very strong lines in the sand, and I think guys appreciate that. It keeps things less murky.

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  18. andrew can you do a post where you list "red flags?"

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  19. aGirl, he already did :)

    http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/12/fifteen-red-flags-in-dating-world.html

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    1. ah, how did I miss that?! thanks!

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    2. oh, but what about red flags that he would be a bad boyfriend?

      For example I recently dated someone that I became very attached to and he did like me A LOT, but things didn't work out because I found out (the hard way) that he is no good as a bf.

      I found that his room and his apt were incredibly messy and I had a bad feeling about it from the beginning, now I wonder if that was a red flag. I found out that he is extremely immature and wants to act like he is 21 forever even though he is 33. He smokes and has a drinking problem. He also lied about his age on his dating profile and in person. Should I filter for guys that are too messy? I just think that some red flags are not as red as others. Know what I mean? Like how much drinking is too much drinking? Is that dirty bathroom just dirty or is his inner world a mess too? I wonder about what I could have done differently to avoid becoming attached and then having to blow him off.

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    3. I think that the period when you start to date someone is meant for you to learn those things about them that you didn't know on the very first dates. In terms of what are red flags, to a certain extent it is a very personal thing. I think that as you gain experiences in dating, you come to learn what are red flags for you, what your deal breakers are. For example, now that you've dated someone who is very messy and drinks too much etc. and you couldn't stand it, you now know from experience that you don't want to date someone like that, and you will probably avoid getting involved with someone like that in the future when they show the first signs of those undesirable qualities.

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    4. I suppose you're right. It's just really frustrating. I try to avoid getting hurt because then I become guarded and jaded :(
      It was so disappointing.

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    5. @aGirl - Think positive. I think you've done pretty well because you didn't get too carried away with it all to the extent that good reason escaped you. I think you can take some pride in that - that you listened to the good part of your brain. Too many times, I've spent too long in a bad situation because of trying to justify my own investment.

      It gets frustrating but every time you experience something like this, you build effective knowledge for the future.Don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck! Love, Lu.

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  20. "Sassy6519", I agree -- I haven't made a single guy friend since puberty and I make it pretty obvious that that's the deal. I just don't see the point in being friends with guys even if it were possible, what are we supposed to talk about especially in our 20s? It actually weirdly seems to make guys pursue you even more if you make it pretty clear that you're not interested in making friends with guys (vs. girls who do the opposite and try to get guys to like them by being a ~dtf bro)

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    1. That's really interesting. I've started to fold away from making friends with men - not in a cruel way but I realised that those men I was friends with weren't really my friends in any real sense and I think it tends to look odd to other men and has certain implications if you know what I mean. I don't want that any more. So I'm taking into account the advice from this blog. It'll be interesting to see how this new behaviour impacts my dating life.

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  21. This is unrelated to the topic, but I am interested to know what you guys think.

    What happends when your boyfriend hangs out with a female at a bar on a fornightly basis, exchange birthday/christmas gifts and so forth? Say for arguments sake that boyfriend claims they are only acquaintances, which is BS otherwise you wouldn't exchange gifts.

    Also, would it make a difference if the female was single or had a partner?

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    1. I'm not a guy but I'd be interested to know the answer to your question too! I have a friend whose boyfriend is pretty good friends with his ex, to the extent where they go out drinking together and buy each other Xmas presents. The ex even managed to outdo her one Xmas. Ah awkward. :/

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    2. there is definitely some fun flirtation going on at the very least.

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  22. I disagree. I have talked to many women in my life to whom I wasn't attracted simply because I had a legitimate question.

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    1. As have I, but only in the "hey do you know where the bathroom is?" kind of ways. Whenever I have had an intentional conversation with a woman, even if I've made it seem incidental, it has been because I've wanted to talk to her.

      Even in the instances when I just need to ask someone where the bathroom is, I always instinctively and intentionally ask the hottest female within sight, even if it means walking a little out of my way.

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    2. Lol! That is GOLD! Paulina.

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  23. Andrew, I'd love your take on this. I have a couple of guys who I have previously gone on a date or two with before my ex, after which they may have done a slow fade or just stayed distant "friends" - eg a text every few months to stay in touch.

    I recently became single again and these guys caught wind of that - and suggested meeting up. But considering the history and that I'm not convinced that they are really all that serious about pursuing, how should I deal with it?

    Should I still meet up with them, be a bit unavailable to make them prove themselves, or just decline them altogether?

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    1. Sarah, if you are interested in dating them, I see no reason why you couldn't go out with them once or twice to gauge their interest - which may have changed due to circumstances (maybe they were seeing other girls too before, or weren't interested in anything serious at the time). This is only something I wouldn't suggest to women who have poor personal boundaries and low self-esteem. But if you know what you want and don't have a need for the validation of their desire for you, then all you "waste" is a few hours when you hang out with them a couple times. I wouldn't even bother being overly "unavailable" as long as you are willing to move on once you get a hint that they just want something casual.

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    2. I see, thanks very much, Andrew!

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    3. I came across this blog although it is kind of funny, I get his on by a lot of insecure guys, I think, simply because I look shy and timid (aka approachable). I'd like to get some feedback. Thanks. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/teresa-hsiao/guide-to-dating-asian-girls_b_1560393.html

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  24. Hi Andrew! Love ur blog! I laughed SO hard when I read ur response to Nicole! :) I'm the same with talking to guys I don't know. It is usually 9/10 times because I think they're cute or hot and wanna get to know them! Paulina.

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  25. Guy here. Yes, it's true.

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  26. To figure out if a guy's hitting on me, I always do the "Why isn't he talking to the guy or why isn't he figuring this out himself" test. If he didn't go up to a closer guy even girl to ask about the can of soup - he's hitting on me, or at the very least trying to get a reaction out of me. Or this is something he could've done for himself, he's hitting on me. It doesn't flatter me though. Some guys will hit on everyone. They have to keep their numbers up.

    Another thing, I'm in my 40s. There's this man who works at a grocery who's always super-friendly to me. I'm super friendly back unless I'm super focused on just getting out quickly - something his super-friendliness impedes. Today, I went in there with my daughter. He was there, but avoided me like the plague. LOL. Fyi, I'm not interested in him in the slightest, but it's fun to note.

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  27. Or maybe the women are mostly aware are not attracted to the guy. I operate on the assumption that if a guy makes an effort to talk to me then he likes me. Ive mentioned it in the past subtly to the guy and when you do that they usually say 'noooo its not like that' B.S

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  28. So based on this assumption:

    Unattractive women NEVER have men talk to them, since men will only talk to a woman if he finds her attractive?

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    1. If a man chooses to interact with a woman, he is in some way attracted to her. If men look at you without disgust, you are attractive to them. If their gaze passes over you without noticing, you are not. In the right context, simply smiling in a man's direction will immediately put you in the former category.

      However, there's a difference between attraction and intent. Men will entertain their attraction by chatting with women while having firm no-go lines. Depending on their situation and sense of honor even those lines may be a bit loose. The question for women is not "is he attracted" - that is a yes. Your questions should be:
      - what are his boundaries?
      - will he honor them?
      - how far do I want him to go?
      - can I maintain a level of attractiveness to achieve this?

      Final thought: are you a greasy cheeseburger or a home cooked meal? Most men will look at the cheeseburger, but not everyone wants to same that. But good men may well stop to simply admire a well cooked meal, but they will eat at home

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