If a man isn't getting rejected by women regularly, he will probably never find one that satisfies him. Because all women have different taste, men need to approach a large number of women that they find attractive in order to find one that reciprocates that attraction. This requires serious balls, thick skin, and persistence. I think most women appreciate this fact.
In general, a man has to get rejected many more times than a woman in order to succeed at dating. When a girl complains about a guy who stops returning her calls, my first instinct is to tell her "You think that's bad? I was rejected more times in the last month than you've been rejected in your entire life. Try being a dude for a week, then come back and complain to me." However, I don't, because I realize that the rejections a man endures - although no less damaging to his pride - are easier to bear in light of the knowledge that he can approach more women in order to find a new girl. A woman has less direct control over new dating opportunities. Although she can improve her chances by making herself more attractive, she can't just approach men at will without being seen as crazy or desperate. She has to wait until another man (that she likes) approaches her. Though she faces fewer rejections, she also faces fewer opportunities, so the rejections she does endure have more impact.
While women typically get rejected when a man walks away after an initial encounter or date, men typically get rejected when they approach. A woman has to have the courage to let the man walk away, while a man has to have the balls to approach in the first place. While men have to become confident enough to approach without knowing how a woman will respond, women have to become confident enough to let a man act according to his true feelings for her, without knowing whether he will stay with her or leave.
So although the nature of rejection is different for the two sexes, it is equally necessary for both. A man gains nothing from staying on his side of the street when a beautiful woman passes on the other; a woman gains nothing from perpetuating a relationship in which she constantly initiates. A man needs to initiate with the possibility of being rejected, and a woman has to let the man initiate, with the possibility of being rejected (i.e. the possibility that he will not initiate). Both sexes have to take risk and face rejection if they ultimately want success.
All of this is to make the point that rejection, while difficult for both sexes, is a necessary part of the dating landscape. You can't avoid it, so get used to it. As I've said before, if you aren't getting rejected, it probably means you aren't dating up to your potential. You are the only one responsible for your dating success. And like in all other aspects of life, you can increase that success by taking risks, enduring rejections, picking yourself back up and trying again.
Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. Why Do You Want Him Back?
3. How To Ask For Feedback From A Guy
In general, a man has to get rejected many more times than a woman in order to succeed at dating. When a girl complains about a guy who stops returning her calls, my first instinct is to tell her "You think that's bad? I was rejected more times in the last month than you've been rejected in your entire life. Try being a dude for a week, then come back and complain to me." However, I don't, because I realize that the rejections a man endures - although no less damaging to his pride - are easier to bear in light of the knowledge that he can approach more women in order to find a new girl. A woman has less direct control over new dating opportunities. Although she can improve her chances by making herself more attractive, she can't just approach men at will without being seen as crazy or desperate. She has to wait until another man (that she likes) approaches her. Though she faces fewer rejections, she also faces fewer opportunities, so the rejections she does endure have more impact.
While women typically get rejected when a man walks away after an initial encounter or date, men typically get rejected when they approach. A woman has to have the courage to let the man walk away, while a man has to have the balls to approach in the first place. While men have to become confident enough to approach without knowing how a woman will respond, women have to become confident enough to let a man act according to his true feelings for her, without knowing whether he will stay with her or leave.
So although the nature of rejection is different for the two sexes, it is equally necessary for both. A man gains nothing from staying on his side of the street when a beautiful woman passes on the other; a woman gains nothing from perpetuating a relationship in which she constantly initiates. A man needs to initiate with the possibility of being rejected, and a woman has to let the man initiate, with the possibility of being rejected (i.e. the possibility that he will not initiate). Both sexes have to take risk and face rejection if they ultimately want success.
All of this is to make the point that rejection, while difficult for both sexes, is a necessary part of the dating landscape. You can't avoid it, so get used to it. As I've said before, if you aren't getting rejected, it probably means you aren't dating up to your potential. You are the only one responsible for your dating success. And like in all other aspects of life, you can increase that success by taking risks, enduring rejections, picking yourself back up and trying again.
Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. Why Do You Want Him Back?
3. How To Ask For Feedback From A Guy
I've often thought that if a man can learn to be immune to rejection, he'd never have to read a game blog ever again - women would teach him everything he needs to know.
ReplyDeleteGood post. I'm convinced that fear of rejection is the only thing standing between most men an their success with women. That's why so many keyboard jockeys in the manosphere post great comments, but never get laid.
Did you know that men can control 100% of their personality? Maybe if you focused on improving yours — I'd say you should be spending probably 70% of your time working on your personality, stopping only to eat and sleep — you would get rejected less.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - Gee, that sure ounds like a GREAT way to live!
Delete"So although the nature of rejection is different for the two sexes, it is equally necessary for both. A man gains nothing from staying on his side of the street when a beautiful woman passes on the other; a woman gains nothing from perpetuating a relationship in which she constantly initiates. A man needs to initiate with the possibility of being rejected, and a woman has to let the man initiate, with the possibility of being rejected (i.e. the possibility that he will not initiate). Both sexes have to take risk and face rejection if they ultimately want success."
ReplyDeleteHow profoundly poignant is this paragraph?! I really needed to read this. Thanks, Andrew
I agree great paragraph exactly the words I tuned into and it helped me too. Within the hour I have just been rejected by a man I thought liked me, but realise only just this week I have initiated the contact more and he`s backed off and I mean completely backed off, gone!
DeleteThanks
Me too. I'm a girl, probably a 7 in younger years, but do everything wrong: I am too "strong" personality wise. I initiate, out of boredom of waiting for them to act, and in my younger years I would also take the lead, depriving men if their chance to be The Man.
DeleteIts funny, my independence, while its enabled my wonderful life and career, has me in my 40's lonely and sad that I don't have a partner.
Having just suffered a breakup after a year with a man I really liked, I realized that although I learned my second lesson, I hadn't learned my first: he was only sport fishing the entire time, with not enough morals to care that that's a cruel game for a woman over 40.
But, this site has really helped me see where I went wrong, thanks for that.
Now, just to pick myself up and see if there are any worthy, AND attractive men out there. Ha ha ha ha ha. Sure. Wish me luck.
Good luck, girl! :-)
DeleteI absolutely agree! I actually hand-written the whole paragraph to instill it in my mind. I was debating to call or not to call a guy I went out with three times. I am not initiating anything if he doesn't!
DeleteThanks for this.
Andrew, bravo, great post!
ReplyDeleteOh, 1:47 Anon, I think I might be the only one here who gets the joke.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is just so wonderfully, infinitely flawed.
For starters, I really like shy boys. How am I ever going to snag them if I don't initiate?
I know some girls say they like shy guys and some guys say they like girls who initiate. It's probably the case for some, but a lot of time I believe people are not being honest/aware of their true preference. Most women do want to be pursued, first and foremost to feel that he is a masculine man, secondly because it's the best (maybe only) real indicator of his interest in you. Many guys can say they like girls to initiate because it saves them the trouble or gives him a chance with women. In reality, he doesn't want more women to approach him, he deep down wants to get confident enough to seduce women on his own (I know men who admitted this). And a woman doing the job for him won't please him in the long run.
DeleteAlmost all the girls I know who initiate contact with men, wishes on some level that he would pursue them first. Like JS mentions, a man can be shy around many people, but still pursue when he's genuinely interested. So assuming a man is "too shy to approach" is not necessarily true, and it's difficult to know.
If I approach a man, regardless of how much he proves his interest later, I will always question why he didn't pursue me 100% in the beginning.
It's pretty condescending to say people aren't "being honest/aware of their true preference." How would you know? What you are is what you are, what I am is what I am.
DeleteI've definitely realized on a few occasions that what I thought was my preference was actually an opinion driven by popular social trends or unrealistic ideals developed during childhood (i.e. from Disney movies). By acknowledging this, my true tastes shine through and are more inline with my "natural" inclinations.
DeleteThat being said, I definitely see what you mean by the argument "what you are is what you are." In other words, who's to say that the opinions I had that were influenced by external factors were any less valid than those that were not?
Turtle, what you said was true and well put, but I agree with the lady from her point of view. I knew a guy that used his "shy, nice guy" thing to rope women by making them feel more comfortable. He could tear up over his emotions. Chics went for it. They weren't very good looking chics, but they suited his purpose.
DeleteTurtle, if you like shy guys, you can strike up an innocent conversation with them (i.e., what time is it? do u know the name of this song (in a bar)? hey that's a great book? have you read ___ by that author?)
ReplyDeleteYou can put yourself in their path without "hitting on them." That way the 'scary walk over to a girl and introduce yourself' part is removed from the scenario and they can feel comfortable asking you for coffee or your number. But if they don't ask, you can just gracefully end the chat and it doesn't seem like you were hitting on them or desperate, you were just making small talk or asking for directions to the subway, or whatever.
And for the record, my college boyfriend was the most painfully shy guy you can imagine but he still pursued me. (Granted we worked in a record store together so it wasnt a blind approach but he went after me on a first shift together (flirting) and by the 2nd or 3rd time we worked together, he asked me out. Point being, if a guy really digs you (and you remove the blind approach part), no amount of shyness is going to stop him from snagging you.
Just my two cents.
While I agree with the more general point, I need to jump in here: if a guy really digs you, shyness can definitely prevent him from pursuing you. In fact I think this happens much more frequently than women realize. I can't count the number of women I missed out on when I was younger just because I didn't have the balls to pursue them.
DeleteIf you are into shy guys, you will probably need to intiate. But shyness usually fades over time, at which point he will probably be more comfortable taking the initative. Shy guys are still men, and you still need to gage their interest.
I hit on men, I'm the aggressor with reasonable frequency. It doesn't bother me, and it gets me the results I want.
DeleteTurtle -- I think this blog is written by a "ladies man". The never initiate rule would really only apply to a specific personality type of man. I agree that there is a way to initiate and you have to be prepared for rejection, but a totally "never initiate" rule is a little absurd. I initate in certain situations, certain times I have and it didn't work. I would say, follow this initiate a first date, but don't initiate any follow-up. It's okay to ask someone to dance, a dance is only a dance. Don't offer your number if he doesn't ask. Never ask for his number. I'm sure I could think of others but those "rules" serve me well.
ReplyDeletegood post! fight with the fear of rejection and one day you will find a woman you deserve
ReplyDeleteBlack Singles Party
I agree with this but I have to add one thing to women's rejection; women don't deal with it well not only because we have fewer options to find men and have to depend on them, but because it usually have gone further when the rejection happens. Being rejected upfront by a woman in a bar may affect your self esteem but it is highly superficial and you have zero emotional investment in her. And as you've said, women get more emotionally attached than men, who over time "only gets laid a few times".
ReplyDeleteIf sex has happened, it will take time for a woman to get over it, no matter how hard she tries.
Certain phenomena are gender specific. A guy friend told me that women will never truly understand men's need for sexual variety. In the same way, I don't think men can ever truly understand what it feels like to be used for sex. It's a feeling that affects you physically, it's a strong blow to the self esteem and it makes you feel like a piece of garbage. There is no exact male equivalent to this. If a man gets laid with a woman he likes, I cannot imagine him regretting it. Even if a woman is working hard at filtering and following all the advice on this blog - if she is young and actively dating she WILL at some point experience being used for sex or have a guy string her along to keep the sex going. Especially if she is attractive - guys will go to extreme measures to have sex with or keep having sex with a hot woman. If he rejects her or flees after this, it will set a woman back and demotivate her way more than a man in the same situation. It makes you uncertain on whether it is remotely possible to filter out the assholes, which has a more long term impact.
That is a good point.
DeleteGod, nature, or whatever creation method you believe in has a way of balancing everything out. Men regret the women he didn't have sex with and women regret the men they did. That's the nature of our biology as the only 2 genders on this planet.
ReplyDeleteDue to boys not having a lot of social awareness but more physical awareness, 14-30year old guys are usually at a disadvantage in the dating landscape. This is why many young women date older men. But from 35years old on, men usually have the advantage because they're not going to want to date women in their age group and will want younger women, but will have the experience and lifestyle to not be intimidated as their younger self or counterparts.
The important thing is that both sexes have a responsibility to develop their physical, mental, and emotional selves to the absolutely best of their ability so that they have the best choices in any stage of their life.
As Andrew wrote so well, rejection is a part of life for both sexes but the quality and quantity of options is mostly within your control. For the nice/weak guy or the overweight bitter girl that says, "I just want to be myself and have someone love me for me"...well, you're going to have to suffer a significantly higher level of rejections. That is a choice you make.
May be a little off, but I feel like this is in line with rejection:
ReplyDeleteWhat's your take on virgins? Like what do guys generally think about getting involved with them? And I'm not just talking about those who are waiting for marriage. I'm also talking about those for whom -- for whatever reason -- it just hasn't happened yet. Do guys just automatically try to avoid dating virgins for fear of the challenge (i.e. she may want to be in a committed relationship first/dealing with inexperience/etc.) or are they more intrigued by the idea of being the first guy there? (Keep in mind that there are many hot virgins out there.)
I don't know if you already have a post about a guy's take on virgins, so please link if you do. If not, your perspective would be pretty interesting to read in a future post...
I've been planning to write one. In general, though, men aren't going to qualify or disqualify a woman based on her virginity (though some more religious guys might). It won't make or break the deal.
DeleteIt will for half of the world.
DeleteI understand that guys have to go through a LOT of rejection - more so than girls...but as you said, they get many more options and get to be in control of that situation/ball is in their court. Any advice on how a girl who is frequently rejected stays optimistic?
ReplyDeleteWhen you say frequently rejected, I am assuming you mean that guys ask you out, then stop contacting you or break up with you (i.e. not that you approach men and get turned down). The only advice I can give you is that if guys are approaching you, you are physically attractive, and being physically attractive is a big hurdle. Focus instead on being friendly, kind, open, thoughtful, etc. and this should help you sink the hook sometime in the future. Knowing that you are taking active steps to better your future chances will keep you optimistic.
DeleteBut don't be too friendly, too kind, or too thoughtful as some guys take that as interest when you are not necessarily interested.
DeleteGirl, you need to get out there and do your own thing. Sometimes you don't find a guy until later in life. And that's OK too.
What are your thoughts on men who choose to leave their phone numbers with women, rather than the other way around or through mutual exchange?
ReplyDeleteI find this is becoming more commonplace, nowadays, and it is interesting - men choosing to only give their numbers out when meeting women, so that the woman might contact them.
I don't know why it happens, but it is possibly because men are sick of getting a girl's number and then having her not answer when they call or text. Or it could be a plot to gauge your interest. If this happens and you are interested in the guy, I suggest you just text him your name so that he has it (and your number), something like "it was nice meeting you!" and then proceed as if he'd asked for your number.
DeleteSuch bullshit u know that women love to be used for sex 99% out of 100% of goodlooking hot sexy females and males treat sex like shaking hands and with no regrets its only stupid religious idiots that feel used.
ReplyDeleteThe kind of rejection that the two sexes face is not at all parallel. The idea that women should not take the responsibility to approach the opposite sex because they will be seen as crazy or desperate is silly. If a guy you approach thinks you're crazy or desperate for the mere fact of your approaching him, then he's not worth it anyway. Once a communication has been set up between two people, *both* are fully capable of rejecting by "no longer calling" or the like. I say this from experience, being a male who was rejected in just that way (by a girl who pursued me--and I did not think she was crazy or desperate for doing so, instead I felt flattered and desired).
ReplyDeleteBy the way (same anon.), to an anonymous comment, I am a male and feel no need for sexual variety. And while I am a virgin, I could very well imagine regretting sleeping with a girl that I like (if, say, she didn't want a relationship with me afterwards).
ReplyDeleteYour need for sexual variety is implicit, since you haven't exercised your sexuality explicitly yet. I was a virgin until I was 23, and the full onset of my sex drive didn't occur until I primed it by starting to have sex. The same will happen to you (I've talked to other men and they've had the same experience). Your sexual appetite is like your appetite for food: if you ignore it long enough, it starts to diminish. You've probably heard about how people who are starved cannot (literally) stomach large amounts of food when they begin to eat again. Their appetite shrinks. Your sexual appetite is smaller because you haven't had sex with girls yet (masturbation is a fairly different thing in this regard). Most men HAVE exercised their sexuality, so they do have an increased appetite - in excess of the average women, I mean.
DeleteMy need for sexual variety is still an assumption. I am sure that there is a way you can discount this, but if I could choose between x number of times with one (particular, not random) person, and x number of times with x number of people, I would pick the former. Also, I have pleased myself to the picture of the same person only for two years.
DeleteIn any event, just because (most, or many) males feel a desire for a variety of partners doesn't mean this should be countenanced in any fashion by females.
I love that you say that the man should initiate. (Specifically, making the initial contact.) I'm a woman and I just feel it's tacky to approach a man.
ReplyDeleteThere is mutual attraction between myself and an unmarried man who is in his mid-thrities. I'm 5 years older, (but you'd never know it by looking) so at first I was unsure of whether or not it was mutual. I did some research into his body language during meetings, etc., and I am certain he likes me too. He's my daughter's middle school English teacher, so it's a little awkward. Since the start of the school year, we have bumped into each other occasionally, and every time, there is a LOT of chemistry! At first, he seemed to try to approach me (outside school) but he started acting odd/awkward! It was cute, actually... He's very good looking but I think he was nervous! Now he seems more relaxed but I seem him a lot less often.
I've looked it up and there aren't any ethical issues with dating, but I can see how it would be pretty uncomfortable if he approached me and I wasn't interested. I get this feeling that we are both trying to figure out how to make the next move. I also wonder if he's concerned or feels awkward about the fact that he's my daughter's teacher.
I wish it wasn't so hard for some guys to make the first move... And I wish I could let him know I'd like him to ask me out. I think I'm dead in the water.
I bed he is waiting until your daughter is out of his class. Even though it might not be unethical, it could be awkward for her.
DeleteIn the animal kingdom, the female creature emits a bunch of hormones during heat to attract the male creature. I'm not advocating smothering yourself in your own copulance, but you should turn on the flirtatiousness and charm offensive.
DeleteOr if you don't want to be too flirty, smother yourself in your own copulance. Researchers have found, men lose a significant portion of their cognitive abilities in the presence of female copulance and experience the beer goggles effect. A 3 becomes 7 if you get my drift.
What about guys that e-mail you online, talk for a while, ask to meet, then disappear and e-mail you again weeks later? Should they be cut off too? Is that a form of rejection?
ReplyDeleteAnonymousLilly
yes
DeleteI'd really like to see a post on how not to get disheartened by men wanting to use you.
ReplyDeleteI'm in my twenties and get asked out on dates by different kinds of men. I have learnt to filter to some degree in a way where I know to say "no" to certain kinds of men no matter how much I may be attracted to them. I still get caught out however. On Friday, I had a second date with a guy and cooked him dinner (steak no less). I'm sure he was expecting sex afterwards but I told him that I'm not easy. He tried to feign that he was impressed by my morals but I could see visible disappointment on his face. He thanked me for dinner and left saying he would call "later" but I have not heard from him since. I'd never think to call him because I have too much pride but I really find this shit hurtful like they only spent time with me to get laid. It's hard not to take it personally. I know I will hear from him in a few days and now I am no longer interested. This has just happened a few times now and I am wondering where I am going wrong.
I have to agree with Finnish below. Even if it's going against your natural inclination to give, if you show too much initiative at first, it's going to led to expectation...or worse, set up the relationship for habit (i.e. you always doing the cooking). Unless it's the same expectation/desire, someone's always going to be disappointed. And even if there is disappointment, it's better to know sooner rather than later so that nobody wastes their time that may be better spent elsewhere. Rejection or realizing you both want/expect different things is not a bad discovery. In the long run, you're better off because the guy doesn't like you enough to try harder. And believe me, you want a guy who thinks you're worth the effort.
DeleteThere will always be men out there who want to use you, just like there are women out there who use men for attention or to feel better about themselves (i.e. letting guys buy them drinks when they aren't interested). That's the upside and downside of dating: we figure out what we like, don't like, and need. That developing of one's filter takes time build, whether it's through dates or committed relationships.
With regards to cooking, I'm very slow to introduce the extent of my skill (and I love cooking, especially for the people I care about so I'm always battling with my giving instinct). Mainly because it's so much better when the guy shows how much he wants you when he takes the time to cook you a full meal. And later when you do cook for him (and his buddies, like whipping up whatever is on hand at late-night parties and everyone's drunk and starving), you can be sure your guy will appreciate you all the more.
That said, you can still give encouraging hints if you know this is a guy you'd maybe like to pursue something further with and want to impress him with a taste of what he can have more of (once I did pack a salad lunch with homemade hummus and bread after we had a few dates, but didn't actually cook a meal until after we were in a relationship).
Thank you both for your input,
DeleteThing is this guy was making an effort until he realised he wasn't getting sex. In fact for our first date he flew out to meet me at my location and rented car (he works in the airline industry). Second date he drove a distance to get to me too. Maybe he just thought all of the effort equated to having sex but I felt I made and effort too and did not things to be rushed. Second date is too soon for me and I think maybe it's a case of him having too many options elsewhere.
Sadly, lots of guys are like that. I've been single for about 2,5 years and I was in a very long relationship before and since then I've had such eye openers about guys.
DeleteLots of guys just want to have sex straight away and they stop making efforts after they've had sex with you (too soon) or if they don't think they will get it soon enough.
To me, it sounds like this guy is a bit immature/not ready for a relationship and just wants you to give in too soon. Don't do it.
Think I read somewhere that it should be a bit like a trade (if you want something serious): Guy shows that he cares and fulfills you emotionally and girl agrees to sex because these are the most important needs for women and men. Obviously women also want sex and men also want emotions, in relationships but perhaps not always as much as their other priority..hope it makes sense?
Ah, the long-distance does put a wrench into things. I don't profess to be an expert on guys, but from I know (and heard from good male friends), most guys know if this is a woman he wants to have fun with, a woman he could have a relationship with, and if she is the one he wants to be the mother of his children. And when a guy is really into you, he will want to see you or be near you more and more.
DeleteI'd be wary of guys and long-distance, particularly at the start of the relationship. That's not to say that it can't ever progress into something meaningful, but generally it's gonna suck way more to be the girl in those scenarios.
It's the harsh truth with many guys. They expect to get laid. Don't waste your time and effort cooking for a guy unless you know he's worth it. Next time, just pop some popcorn if even that.
ReplyDeleteI've known him as a "friend" for a while so I didn't mind cooking but I will no not to o that again until a relationship. Keep my culinary skills to myself! I know he will message again at some stage, maybe he feels rejected too. Either way, I'm done.
DeleteNot sure if this is true or not (guys, please fill in), but don't think men can just be friends unless you're unattractive to them. Think men will at some point think about or attempt to have sex with you even though they are friends. Heck, all of my male friends apart from one have tried to have sex with me. The one that didn't, thought about it for sure.
DeleteOh my goodness, please do not cook for a man on the second date! Men will immediately value you less, it's a psychological thing. If you're putting in all that effort for them in such a short amount of time, then how worthy could you be of them trying to woo you, or gain your affections? You're making it too easy. Also, don't even be in a situation where sex can happen, such as letting him into your own home on the second date?! He has to earn these things! Of course being in that environment, he would expect sex...If you had gone on a date outside, he wouldn't have. Men have to pursue, and prove themselves. No cooking, no no no! Please. And even if you were friends for a long time, you have to count only when the courtship began. Read "Why Men Love Bitches". It's very helpful.
DeleteAmazing insight Andrew.
DeleteYes read "Why do Men Love Bitches" AND "Why do Men Marry Bitches". Those books were an eye opener for me. I follow the author's advice and am experiencing far more success with dating. I'm being romanced in a way I never have before.
DeleteHere we go! Women say 'HE HAS TO EARN IT", ( cooking for him, giving sex) and just what do the women do to earn ANYTHING? Nothing? How wonderful of them!
ReplyDeleteThe whole dating game is a bunch of B.S. especially with all the B.S. pick artist books, internet forums and advice. I say screw the rules and just do what you want and if a person is so stuck in mainstream societies norms, traditions and "dating rules" then they are not worth it. This site is one persons opinion that is it and will not work for everyone.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder of getting use to rejection...I had been married (still going through divorce 2 years later) for 17 years and 2 1/2 years after separated finally let a man come home with me...it was great but not what I was hoping for....so he did actually pursue me again a couple weeks later and I allowed him back to my bed once more and it was fantastic (I have known him for about 1 year and we always flirted alot and he is 15 years younger). Then we saw eachother (not a date) at a club but I did not invite and he did not ask...and that was it. I texted him about getting together on Valentines Day...guess that was a big no no...got no response and still he has not called or texted me. So I decided to walk away from it...but the rejection still hurts the same. Not planning on a long time committment with this man.....just thought we could be together some more times....get to know eachother more...but not wasting my time. So I doubled up on my work outs and going to start doing the traveling I have been meaning to do. But I still have him in my head - I hate that. Why would I want to still be around him if he does not want that with me. Stupid rejection is the reason. But I shall get past this too!
ReplyDeleteI am an attractive woman and their is nothing more annoying then some random guy on the street, store, gym etc approaching you. I only say yes to men where an attraction was "built up" by regular contact with a guy. I'm turned off by strange men hitting on me....even if their good looking
ReplyDeleteI for some reason think you are a liar. No woman finds getting approached annoying unless she is not a "real" woman. You only get annoyed when unattractive men approach you.
DeleteI don't think she is lying. It depends on the kind of attention. Creepy attention is never good, regardless of who it comes from. It feels shallow if a stranger approaches you based on your looks when they don't even know if you're single and they don't know anything about you. I have been approached by men who were complete strangers before when walking along the street and I find it a bit unsettling. Being approached in bars by men you don't know is different because it's a socially conducive atmosphere. I don't mind random approaches in general if it's not obvious from the outset that the guy is making a bee line for you.
DeleteNo woman can rely on random attention from anyone worthwhile so I go about my day completely unconcerned about whether some guy is checking me out or not. I respect men who don't get extremely flirtatious with women who are perfect strangers in settings which don't call for it.
Getting back into the dating game after my divorce. What I do to get over my rejection-anxiety (a.k.a. my narcissicm a.k.a. my lack of humor) is to keep in mind that as a girl I have to kiss a number of frogs before one turns into a prince again. (And, vice versa, a guy frog will have to be kissed by a number of princesses before he feels like turning into a prince, of course). So in my mind's eye there's this cartoon-like line-up of frogs, and I am kissing them once, sometimes twice, and sometimes I spend too much time waiting for the transformation, but when they continue to be just a frog I put them down. Rib-itt to you too, dude. Move over, hehehe.
ReplyDelete>> I respect men who don't get extremely flirtatious with women who are perfect strangers in settings which don't call for it
ReplyDeleteMen's problem is: there are close to zero non-bar situations which "call for it"
Furthermore, cold approaches do work ==sometimes==. So we try them.
Are you willing to create opportunities for men to approach you? Then stop whining about men choosing the time/location. If you're too lazy to grow your own garden, you don't have any right to whine about mediocre supermarket tomatos
Despite this, only breast size zzz two said they had not
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There are some misunderstandings. Girls who DO approach are not always desparate or crazy. As a matter of fact due to feminism men and women expect more women/girls to appraoch men. And this is a good thing becuase the of rejection will huert a man a lot.
ReplyDeleteYour theiry about women facing rejection less than men is not completely right, women face rejections less true but the intensity is far less than for men. This is becuae women will "screen" aman in the beginning therefore making sure that he will commit or not.
The author syas:
While women typically get rejected when a man walks away after an initial encounter or date
True but this rejection isn't that stingy compared to the rejections men get. Women get less rejections and the pain is also less. That's the truth. It is nice to think it is equal but that is not the truth. Life is not fair deal with it.
Women approaching men is thus good and will lead to more happy relationships.
I simply can't agree with the author on almost all points. As one of the commenters above has pointed out, the odds of approach success are different for the sexes; the dice are loaded differently. I don't accept the argument that impact of rejection somehow balances up in intensity between the sexes; the argument is to suggest that everything in nature balances and has symmetry; it doesn't. That there must be yang if there is a yin is poor reasoning. There is an imbalance of power... fact - girls, enjoy it! You have the power of selection. You can have as many or as few partners as you want, you can have as much or as little sex as you want, you can have the relationships you want - most guys are into relationships too.
ReplyDeleteTake by analogy job interviews; it is far more likely for the employer to reject a potential candidate than the other way. It is all about wanting something and the other side having power over it. My prospective employer is not going to be so down heartened if they reject me as if I get rejected for that ideal job, i am the one doing the applying, not hem! However, and not by analogy, women don't sit on the sidelines waiting for potential employers to contact them for a job, for fear of professional rejection. In today's society (for the most part) they face the same odds and seem to be getting themselves employed just fine.
That men almost always have to be the initiators, is current culture. It may change one day but society and tradition are pretty set in their ways so guys are going to have to be the ones doing the initiating, whether they like it or not.
To say that women first approaching men is creepy or desperate is just not true and sounds like an excuse for not taking an emotional risk and perhaps making a mistake or two that would be a valuable life lesson. Now I just know this comment will invite a flurry of responses, I will touch raw nerves with this, but I am sorry girls, an awful lot of guys would be honoured if you approached them and showed what you are made of say by initiating a light conversation.
I just don't buy that women are helpless in initiating dating scenarios and they must wait passively on the sidelines while guys do all the leg work. Get stuck in, be an equal, it is one thing to make yourself look attractive (guys do that too) it is another to make the first move and/or make follow-ups.
I am all for equal rights for women, women leading our governments and industries etc. but I don't buy this leaned helplessness nonsense. "A woman has less direct control over new dating opportunities" - rubbish. I have dated women that put virtually no effort into establishing a relationship, say by picking up the phone, being a little emotionally vulnerable, taking a risk, showing some initiative etc. Many of these are still single a decade on since guys have given up on them. I read on other forums that girls agonise over the 'should I, shouldn't I' stuff without actually discussing the matter through with these guys. Many guys have eventually given up and plugged themselves into Internet pornography; thus 'the demise of guys'.
The whole premise of this argument hinges on the erroneous assumption that women are powerless whereas the opposite is true. Some of them are highly sexually manipulative.
Incidentally, as I am sure you judged, I am male. I am also happily married, kids and a lifetime of dates behind me and I don't have a downer on women.
Thank God I'm ugly or else I would have to deal with men using me for sex, crying afterwards, complaining that all men want is sex and so on instead of living the life that I want.
ReplyDeleteI can have a six figure salary job, have kids via sperm donation (legally or illegaly) and many other things without men.
since men don't like ugly, fat fatties like myself they should be glad I am going my own way.