Hello there Andrew,
I reached out to you about three months ago regarding a man that had recently left me after three years. Well you will be happy to know that I have been dating and self-improving like its my job ;). Your keen advice had a major impact on the manner in which I handled the rejection.
So, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text message last week. It was one of those "Hey, thinking about you, just want to say Hi, how are you?" kind of text messages. Not wanting to sound bitter or unhappy, I gave him a three-word reply. He asked another question and I again gave him a very short reply. He stopped texting after that brief interaction.
Part of me is wondering if that was his attempt to hang out with me again and if he was testing the waters with a text message?
I gave him very uninterested answers which he caught onto quickly. Odds are he will not be trying to contact me anymore but I would really like to see him so that I can show-off a little bit. If my motives are not wanting to get back together but reminding him what he gave up, am I exempt from the "cutting him off rule"? Can I contact him in a few weeks to meet up somewhere casual?
Thank you for reading this!! ;)
Brooke
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Brooke,
Wow. This is the perfect example of how you are supposed to handle a man who contacts you after he breaks up with you. So many women would have gotten back in touch with him before he popped up again, or responded to his text with much more than three words. But you played it perfectly - I am impressed.
By the way, wasn't it so much sweeter getting that text after three months of silence than it would have been if you'd been in contact all along? There is absolutely no ambiguity about the fact that he contacted you for the sole reason that he was thinking about you, wondering how you were, and maybe even questioning whether or not he made the right decision in ending the relationship. The clarity of that fact is beautiful.
Now, in terms of showing him what he's missing, I'd be careful about asking him to hang out with you. True, you might sit there and tell him that everything is going fine (i.e. without him) - and it might even be true, as it is in your case. But he could easily misinterpret the fact that you wanted to spend time with him after only three months. After six months or a year, your desire to meet him would be more obviously a case of platonic curiosity about what he's been up to since you last talked. But after only three months, the fact that you made time to see him might outweigh the indifference you demonstrate in a face-to-face setting. So I suggest sidelining that idea for a few months (though I'm willing to bet that by then you won't care what he thinks; you'll probably just be genuinely curious to see what he's been doing).
The more important point, however, is that your silence already speaks volumes - especially because you never once broke it. Your replies, and in particular their brief and unmoved, matter-of-fact tone also communicated to him how much you've moved on. If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him (which would have been a fine way to handle the situation if this had been the case). And if you'd replied with more enthusiasm or tried to engage him in conversation, he would have assumed that you were still in love with him and trying to get him back. In either case, his ego would have swelled, even in spite of any feelings of sympathy or guilt he had. But your brief replies were at once so casual and indifferent that you can be sure his ego was kept in check, probably even deflated. Moreover, he was acutely reminded of his decision to walk away from a confident woman who respects herself and now has a promising future.
As I said, I am impressed. I hope things continue to go well for you.
Good luck,
Andrew
______________________________________________
Update: I had another e-mail from Brooke shortly after the one above, telling me that her ex contacted her again the next day, this time on Facebook, and said "ugh, just read through our log of messages, it takes me back. miss you [pet name]. hope you are well, I miss you a lot! im sure you dont want to hear that but its true..." She did not indicate whether or not she would reply, but it was clear that she viewed this - rightly - as a personal victory (not a victory over him) rather than an opportunity to get back together with him.
Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you.
Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Cut Him Off
I reached out to you about three months ago regarding a man that had recently left me after three years. Well you will be happy to know that I have been dating and self-improving like its my job ;). Your keen advice had a major impact on the manner in which I handled the rejection.
So, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text message last week. It was one of those "Hey, thinking about you, just want to say Hi, how are you?" kind of text messages. Not wanting to sound bitter or unhappy, I gave him a three-word reply. He asked another question and I again gave him a very short reply. He stopped texting after that brief interaction.
Part of me is wondering if that was his attempt to hang out with me again and if he was testing the waters with a text message?
I gave him very uninterested answers which he caught onto quickly. Odds are he will not be trying to contact me anymore but I would really like to see him so that I can show-off a little bit. If my motives are not wanting to get back together but reminding him what he gave up, am I exempt from the "cutting him off rule"? Can I contact him in a few weeks to meet up somewhere casual?
Thank you for reading this!! ;)
Brooke
______________________________________________
Brooke,
Wow. This is the perfect example of how you are supposed to handle a man who contacts you after he breaks up with you. So many women would have gotten back in touch with him before he popped up again, or responded to his text with much more than three words. But you played it perfectly - I am impressed.
By the way, wasn't it so much sweeter getting that text after three months of silence than it would have been if you'd been in contact all along? There is absolutely no ambiguity about the fact that he contacted you for the sole reason that he was thinking about you, wondering how you were, and maybe even questioning whether or not he made the right decision in ending the relationship. The clarity of that fact is beautiful.
Now, in terms of showing him what he's missing, I'd be careful about asking him to hang out with you. True, you might sit there and tell him that everything is going fine (i.e. without him) - and it might even be true, as it is in your case. But he could easily misinterpret the fact that you wanted to spend time with him after only three months. After six months or a year, your desire to meet him would be more obviously a case of platonic curiosity about what he's been up to since you last talked. But after only three months, the fact that you made time to see him might outweigh the indifference you demonstrate in a face-to-face setting. So I suggest sidelining that idea for a few months (though I'm willing to bet that by then you won't care what he thinks; you'll probably just be genuinely curious to see what he's been doing).
The more important point, however, is that your silence already speaks volumes - especially because you never once broke it. Your replies, and in particular their brief and unmoved, matter-of-fact tone also communicated to him how much you've moved on. If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him (which would have been a fine way to handle the situation if this had been the case). And if you'd replied with more enthusiasm or tried to engage him in conversation, he would have assumed that you were still in love with him and trying to get him back. In either case, his ego would have swelled, even in spite of any feelings of sympathy or guilt he had. But your brief replies were at once so casual and indifferent that you can be sure his ego was kept in check, probably even deflated. Moreover, he was acutely reminded of his decision to walk away from a confident woman who respects herself and now has a promising future.
As I said, I am impressed. I hope things continue to go well for you.
Good luck,
Andrew
______________________________________________
Update: I had another e-mail from Brooke shortly after the one above, telling me that her ex contacted her again the next day, this time on Facebook, and said "ugh, just read through our log of messages, it takes me back. miss you [pet name]. hope you are well, I miss you a lot! im sure you dont want to hear that but its true..." She did not indicate whether or not she would reply, but it was clear that she viewed this - rightly - as a personal victory (not a victory over him) rather than an opportunity to get back together with him.
Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you.
Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Cut Him Off
"If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him"
ReplyDeleteHave you thought this one through?
I think you just found her response amazing (it was a normal response, but you've clearly had a lot of the opposite) and concluded that it was the only right solution.
Plenty of people break with an ex and ignore messages from them. Guys do it (without assumptions that they're "too hurt") and girls do it (because most of the time the man in question is fishing for sex).
I do find ignoring messages from an ex completely normal. You're not so naive that you think you can be "just friends", you're not interested in casual sex nor getting back together and you're not looking to encourage further interaction.
To assume a girl is heartbroken because she ignores you is a bit far-fetched IMO. Unless the guy has a major ego, in which case he will assume that all the women he's been with are in love with him and always will be (and with a guy like that, there is nothing you can do to make him think differently). Ignoring someone may very well mean indifference - it often does. The girls I know who respond to texts from exes are still hung up on them and are therefore interested in a conversation.
I agree, a narcissistic ex would interpret the complete silence to mean that the other party is severely heart-broken. I think when the girl is really over the guy, she would not give a damn about what he thinks. I would encourage Brooke to ignore her ex, but her desire/need to show him what he is missing seems to suggest that she still cares about what he thinks of her.
DeleteAgreed too. Why should give a damn about him when you're happy without him ? It has no meaning to show off to him. He can hurt you when he finds your happiness doesn't have effect to him.
DeleteYeah Brooke, focus your attention elsewhere! Go have a drink with your girl friends at the bar and show off your new self to all the other guys out there. Th ex can wait in line if he really digs you.
Delete"I do find ignoring messages from an ex completely normal. You're not so naive that you think you can be 'just friends,' you're not interested in casual sex nor getting back together and you're not looking to encourage further interaction."
DeleteIn my experience this is hugely exceptional, not normal. I've answered hundreds of e-mails from women asking for advice in the past year, and the overwhelming majority of them (the ones that are going through a break-up, that is) struggle to do so. This is understandable, as they've lost a relationship they didn't want to end. Now, I grant that the women seeking my advice might not be representative of ALL women, but this has also been my experience with the women I've dated.
Incidentally, men who get broken up with by a woman they really want often behave in the same way. It isn't a male-female phenomenon so much as a dumper-dumpee phenomenon.
Anon 5.54 PM here.
DeleteIt is possible that my experience of what is 'normal' as a reaction to a break up is different to what you've seen. But as you say, these women are usually the "dumpees" and they are also more than averagely hung up on the guy, as they feel the need to email you. As for your personal experience, I don't think it is representative for all men. You have mentioned before (jokingly, but most likely honestly) that you are "full of yourself" and you prefer to maintain an upper hand. We've heard before that you don't feel the need to respond to a girl you've been seeing or to finalize the breakup - this will also lead to girls texting you more than if you'd cut them loose properly.
Anyway, that was not my main point. My main point is that ignoring someone will 9 out of 10 times mean indifference. Brooke's message may not have been enthusiastic but it encourages more interaction than if she hadn't responded at all. Furthermore, a 3 word message such as "I am fine" with no more questions or smileys, comes across as more huffy than indifferent. She is trying to sound proud, but she chose to reply because she wanted more interaction with him, and he knows that.
If she's not going to get back together with him, doesn't want to randomly hook up with him and wants to show indifference, I cannot comprehend how her response was the "perfect response". No response would have been the perfect response.
If responding to messages from an ex is the norm, and ignoring them is the exception, then surely Brooke's reaction is the norm among most women struggling to get over a breakup and is nothing for the rest of us to imitate.
* I don't know what her 3 word message was, but I imagine something along those lines. If he's written a longer text, and she responds like that, she will sound a bit angry. Especially since they were together and probably on sweet terms only 3 months ago.
DeleteIgnoring a person you know who texts you is rude - a violation of etiquette. The only reason to break etiquette is if you care enough about ignoring the person that you do so intentionally. It shows more personal investment (whether positive or negative) in the recipient's relationship to the sender if she ignores his text than it does if she replies briefly, following the rules of courtesy as we all do.
DeleteHer brief responses were perfect in the sense that they communicated perfectly to her ex "I am fine; I am not jumping for joy in the hope that you are going to ask me to be your boyfriend again."
This was a desirable way to be perceived by her ex for two reasons:
(a) she wants to avoid inflating the ego of a man that hurt her, and
(b) she is already feeling far more indifferent towards him than she did right after the break-up, and she will ultimately feel exactly the way her texts convey. By acting this way now, even if it isn't perfectly sincere, she is showing him a preview of the future, when her emotional investment in him is completely gone and he's lost a girl he once loved.
under what circumstances should you take back a guy who dumped you?
DeleteSo deleting an ex from Facebook will inflate their ego? Or will they respect you more for doing it?
DeleteAndrew-
DeleteI think that Madeline was truthful that no response is the best response, esp. if you link all of the 'truth' of other wise posters. We've already established that giving in and communicating, will EVENTUALLY have to end in silence from SOME ONE because they will probably not get back into a relationship. So, why not ignore fishing text from the get go? She is just prolonging the inevitable? Also, people tend to NOT change their minds, if a guy dumps you he is likely to do it again. And this is based on best case scenario assumption he might want her back.
Let's ponder other reasons exes pop back up... in cyber world via facebook or texting; loneliness, or boredom, or gauging the possibility of sex, or chance to toy with her, or check to see she hasn't moved on, or he's been rejected by another girl, or hasn't met a new one, or feeling weird that all his friends are successfully coupled and he is not, or has a wedding coming up an needs a suitable date, etc.
You state "Ignoring a person you know who texts you is rude - a violation of etiquette. The only reason to break etiquette is if you care enough about ignoring the person that you do so intentionally. It shows more personal investment" It actually shows she has the wisdom to know it is futile for aforementioned reasons, so no text at all is better than meaningless (polite?) noise that goes nowhere (linear) or worse, puts her in a vulnerable position again (backwards).
Actions speak louder than words. No reply means, "sorry you're indecisive, not on my time, I'm not playing games, we already tried it didn't work and I'm not interested in what you are offering". It doesn't mean I'm devastated and punishing you. It is what it is. Irretrievably broken and futile, in a straightforward, non-emotional way.
Vivian, I think it would inflate their ego. Though in serious break-ups where there is good will between the guy and girl, I think the guy will realize why she is doing it and it won't make him as proud.
DeleteToo late lol Next time I'll resist the urge.
DeleteI think the best response to an ex coming back varies depending on the situation and what a person is hoping to get out of a situation.
DeleteIn my case he cheated on me and I found out through someone else. We silently broke-up and he left me for the woman he cheated on me with. After some time had passed with no communication from either side, he eventually messaged me. I assumed at the time that he had hit a rough patch with his new girlfriend and thought about me. I found out later that it was true. I'll admit that I was hurt, but when I chose to not respond it was because I wanted him to know that he would never have a chance with me again. He needed to stop bouncing from woman to woman when things got tough, and I wasn't going to be the woman he could do that with. He couldn't see me, talk to me or find out how I was doing. I made him live with his choice. I believe the only way I could have done that was to remove him from my life.
I guess though that the most polite way to let someone go is to respond with a brief message that indicates nothing for the future. That may give her the moral high-ground.
After I broke up with an ex who had humiliated me (even though I still loved him) he began using Facebook as a tool to continue hurting me and I am sure he had planned to keep tabs. Deleting him took this power away from him and it also gave me the distance that I needed to rebuild my life.
DeleteDeleting a guy from facebook may just as well be interpreted as "I don't want you to see my stuff" as "I am too hurt to see yours". If he gets an ego boost from it, he has a problem, and there is nothing you can do either way. Do what you need to do for you. Deleting an ex from facebook is the only sensible thing to do. Why on earth should you keep them around? It doesn't give him any more "power", it just restricts his access to info on your life.
DeleteWhat my ex had been doing was flirting with women, adding loads of random women to his Facebook and making snide remarks about me either in status updates or under mutual friends status updates. Who needs that crap? I deleted him so I would not be tempted to check and hid mutual friends updates for a time. Had I not done that, the recovery time would have been far longer. I did not respond to his attempts to provoke me, I made a clean break. Who cares what the dude thinks? Deleting was a good idea Vivian.
DeleteI agree with W and the anon above her. Focus on what helps you get over him, and stop thinking about how he might interpret the situation. Who cares about what he thinks? Delete and block him.
DeleteHow if a woman who hurts her ex contacts her ex again to say sorry and want to meet up ? How her ex see this behavior ?
ReplyDeleteMan and woman have different point of view and respond in this "when your ex contacts" case ?
I'm with anonymous on this one.
ReplyDeleteNot replying to a text of that nature could mean indifference or hurt, but generally, not replying to a message will be interpreted as (and a result of) indifference.
This girl is running game.
She's not over him. You wouldn't be hearing about it if she was.
I think she's over him but want to play the game and feed her ego.
DeleteThen she's not over him. You can't win in a game where your opponent doesn't exist.
DeleteAlso possible she has a thing for Andrew and wants to show off.
Ha "Also possible she has a thing for Andrew and wants to show off" too cute. LMAO, ROLFL.
DeleteI have a thing for Andrew. He is the wickedly bright younger brother that I wish I had.
DeleteKinky.
DeleteBrotherly.
DeleteThe opponent in the game isn't the person you're trying to attract. It's everyone else who's trying to attract them. They're who you have to beat!
DeleteHaha I love this post. I've been there, and there simply is no sweeter victory than hearing from a man months after being rejected by him. The tables have turned:)
ReplyDeleteI wise (male) cousin of mine once told me that there is simply no better way to fuck with a man's head then to give him...complete silence. And in my experience, when you do that, they cave and initiate contact 99% of the time.
Oh, and also...I have been there with wondering whether I blew the guy's effort to rekindle things etc. Nope, not the case. If she responded more enthusiastically the end result would probably be the same. (ie, no grand overture. Just nothing). That is something I have also learned from experience:)
Brooke isn't over nobody. Meet up with him and let him tell you he banged 3 19 year olds since you broke up. Worthwhile? Also men lie. Actions speak louder than words. I am sure he knows where you live and work or hang out. When he convinently (sp?) shows up there, maybe, he misses you. A Facebook message, come on! You're recent interaction took all of maybe 10 minutes for him to write. Can't even call you? That's what 3 years was worth? Get a clue, Brooke. And also a life since you have time to "show off".
ReplyDeleteExactly! Texting/FB-ing is simply finger-work. Are you that easy, Brooke? Sorry that I sound mean but I mean well. :)
DeleteWho ever said Brooke was over him? She certainly never claimed this. She only claimed to have moved on, and come to terms with the situation, knowing that she doesn't want to be with a man who doesn't want her. Though to be honest, it seems to me like she is a lot more over him than you are giving her credit for - though I am privy to the whole e-mail string and not just what I've posted. Maybe this explains the difference.
DeleteAs for the Facebook message not meaning anything, or being "ego-boost fishing" - sorry but this can't be the case. A man looking for an ego boost doesn't insinuate in the process of doing so that he is doubting a serious decision he made (this is self-deprecating in and of itself); and a man indifferent doesn't waste the time - even 10 minutes - to write the Facebook message.
Angry much, Andrew? Maybe the other commenter was right that you have a thing for Brooke.
DeleteAnywho, I never said it was an ego boost (Anon 8:17pm). I would just think that out of a 3 year relationship one would hope for more than a text and FB message, I mean come on. Brooke if anything should wait this thing out, be radio silent, and get a life. She should be too busy dating other guys and having a full life. The best revenge is living well. Now is it going to ¡e easy or is easy, no. But that doesn't make my advice the best in this scenerio. Brooke in 10 years are you going to hope/ even remember how you showed off to ex that sent you a FB message. If you do, then you have bigger problems.
P.S. Not trying to put Brooke down (I don't know her), but this is the advice I would give my girlfriends. What is the worst that could happen if you do nothing? Maybe, forget about it?
Brooke, please read this blog post, the comments, and this site:
Deletehttp://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/finding-the-willpower-to-stick-with-a-decision-to-change-when-you-feel-exhausted-from-resisting/
While this isn't exactly your situation, maybe it will help.
Anon 8:17pm
Why did she seem so excited about his getting back in touch with her? So he dumped her, she worked on self-improvement, and now she seems eager to reconnect with him. I hope Brooke can tell us what she decides to do. :-)
DeleteI still agree with the op of this thread, texting is lazy communication. That is another topic though. 10 min of typing is not a big deal. Many of us here spend more than 10 minutes posting comments.
Congrats to Brooke! This proves that cutting him off is a good thing to do. I had a similar moment of triumph today after I received what would be the 3rd Fb request from a guy.
ReplyDeleteForget that guy. There are bigger fish to fry :)
and now that we have Andrew's help we can only expect to do better. Don't go back to that guy. Cut him off!
If you feel the need to show him what he is missing, you're still not completely over him. If he sees you out, it's a different thing, but don't go out of your way to show him you're doing good.
Andrew, will you consider posting a video that shows how a feminine woman looks and acts? A movie clip or something.
Interesting idea. Let me see what I can find, but I suspect that will be tough. It isn't easy to differentiate personality from femininity, which I suspect will cloud the illustration.
DeleteYes, a video is a great idea! Please do post one if you are able to find one :)
DeleteThis video is interesting, though I can't speak for how well it works. Start watching at 3:04 and compare the two ways she acts. I don't see a huge difference in the examples she gives, but this doesn't mean it couldn't be more pronounced for you or in other occasions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVBecIL2NFw
DeleteOr this one, starting at 2:35. Very interesting. I like this one better because the example she uses shows the contrast better:
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uel4bH4aM44
I do think she slouches too much when she engages her feminine posture, though the accent of the hips (placing weight on one side) is sexy, and I think a slight head tilt - which should have fallen out of her efforts to relax her "heartspace" (including her neck).
Yes, very interesting. Not at all what I was expecting, but I suspect it might work. I know from experience that I've had a lot more engaging conversations when there's not as much going on in my head (concerned with what the other person is thinking) and I come across as a lot more confident, relaxed and interested in the other person with regular contact.
Deletewith regular eye contact*
DeleteRob Brinded has done a lot of work on coaching people on their body language to attract the opposite gender (i.e. they need to move in a feminine way if they're female, masculine if they're male). And provides a great free eBook on it with exercises for strengthening in specific ways in order to move your body according to your gender. I'm not explaining it very well, but his "Brazilian butt" e-book is a fantastic read. Not only did I start having more/better quality men approach me, my extra hip fat finally disappeared after decades. With just a few squats a day. Amazing. I'm not exaggerating. When I started walking with more of a hip sway, at first I felt so conspicuous, like I was walking around with a loaded gun.
DeleteThink the second one is pretty good too, albeit a bit long winded. The stuff about the hips is good. Think the second one is good for women who are not so confident in speaking with men and who need more practice.
DeleteOops, meant to include some links:
Deletehttp://www.youtube.com/user/trainsexy?feature=watch
http://www.codetocatchhim.com/
Well, she will have to keep up the Radio Silence, because the moment she gets soft and he sees she would like to try the relationship again, he will bail, ghost, send an "I'm sorry" text. That's how these things work, men just like the ego boost of seeing that you haven't moved on or they are still the best of your options. DONT DO IT. You will be back to square one, where you were three years ago when he dumped you. It is regrettable that it is futile, certainly not like in our parents and grandparents era, but people nowadays just want to play the game indefinitely. Sucks. The second you cave in and show your feelings, is the exact second they feel "She is great! but now I think I can do better" Find some one who is not a game player and have a REAL life, & get off these blogs.
ReplyDeleteI actually agree with this comment, in the sense that giving in and trying to go back to him will end up in the "I'm sorry [but I don't want a relationship again]" text.
DeleteHowever, I don't think this is as much a matter of male ego (in this case at least) as a matter of indecision and an idealization of the past. Based on what he's said so far - the text and FB message - it sounds like he hasn't decided completely that he wants her back. But if Brooke were to text/message him back with leading questions, in an attempt to further the conversation, she would show him that he COULD have her back. Suddenly the remote idea of getting back together, and nostalgia he is toying with in his mind, would crystallize and become a reality. And of course, it would then lose its allure.
So I think this is less a mechanism of ego and more a matter of his romanticizing what he's left behind.
well...his romanticizing feeds his ego, he's surely not thinking of her needs, at any point in the continuum?..so...
DeleteHere is definition from freedictionary.com
EGO BOOST noun
"something such as praise, success, etc., that makes one feel better about oneself or raises one's morale"
And we know what thing called revenge...
ReplyDeleteGawd !!! This "revenge" thing is so ....hmmm....so....female wouldnyathunk ?
ReplyDeleteThe bloke keeps messaging because he is intriuged and probably challenged by her seeming lack of interest about communicating with, and meeting him.
Another take on this situation is that while the ex may be thinking about her, he is more than likely up for some ego stroking (ie - getting her all hot and mushy again and begging for another shot). I mentioned before in another post that most men (honourable ones anyway) never look back after a break-up. Even if they come to regret their decision to leave the woman. They generally don't second guess themselves. If they do return, it is usually not for honourable reasons - eg. wanting an ego boost, wanting sex that he can't find anyone else to give to him.
I honestly can't reason the point in making a person like that "jealous" or "regretful". These sort of men are not wired that way. If a man truly truly regrets his decision to split with a woman, he would not want to see her and know anything about her because it would truly break his heart to see her happy again, particularly with someone else. A man so vulnerable will absolutely NOT put himself in that position where the woman he loves sees him so broken.
Again, I have to disagree with the idea that this is ego-stroking on his part. See the comments I made above at 4:43 and 4:35.
DeleteBut, "honourable ones"? - I think "proud ones" is more accurate. The unwillingness to lose face prevents men from second-guessing themselves, not a sense of moral righteousness. Though maybe in the UK* honourable is synonymous with proud? Here in the US honourable is more a synonym of moral than proud.
*(I assume that's where you're from because of the spelling)
OK, this seems like a good place to post a related question - what if Brooke *actually* wanted him back? What would be the best strategy at this point?
ReplyDeleteWait until he makes a much stronger indication of his regret, then ask him if he wants to talk about it.
DeleteIf his intention to get back together is there, he will agree. If not, she should tell him to fuck off and stop bothering her with his self-pity and confusion because he's already done her enough damage.
Have a single conversation in which she asks him for his reasons for wanting to get back together. This is key. If he wants to get back together, he will be able to give a specific explanation of his thought process and will express a definite desire for reunion. Anything short of this - for example, requests to "just see how things go" - should be treated as if they mean "I am just lonely or just want sex," because they do.
And would you do this talk in person? Cos obviously you don't know what his intentions are until you meet up if that's the case.
DeleteI think it would be best over the phone or e-mail, though I don't see a big problem with doing it in person, so long as the initial conversation (him contacting her to express his regret or want to get back together) occurs in some other way.
DeleteInteresting. Here is another question for your opinion Andrew: Say the guys does express a legit desire to get back together. How would you suggest you proceed?
DeleteMy opinion is that the relationship starts back at ground zero (rather than picking up where it left off), where the guy truly shows he is back with her for the right reason. Pretty much meaning, he has to be on his best behavior, is on a probation period, and no sex for awhile.
I agree with the spirit of what you are saying, but I actually disagree. Here is why: you need to be damn sure of his intentions and his change of heart in order to let him back into your life. And if you are THAT sure, there shouldn't be any need for a probation period.
DeleteStated otherwise (probably more clearly): if there is a need for a probation period, you shouldn't be back together with him.
Well, in light of that, I very much doubt there is anything a man could say or do within one conversation (or even a few) that would make me damn sure of his intentions since he already told me once that he no longer wanted me for whatever reason which caused him to decide to break up.
DeleteTrust can be regained but it takes time - More than a few days of playing nice which, most likely, are nothing more than a result of his own loneliness.
And so, to sum it up... once a guy (or girl) breaks it off with you, you probably shouldn't let him (or her) back into your life.
It all kind of confirms my own experiences in life. Twice I have let men back into my life after they dumped me (and I cut them both off completely after they said their goodbyes). Both time, a few months after taking them back, they dumped me again. If a guy likes you, he doesn't dump you and if he dumped you once he just doesn't like you enough and never will.
But I could be way off the mark.
No I think you are close to the mark.
DeleteBut I could see it working if, for example, a guy moves away for work and breaks up with a girl because he doesn't want to do long distance, then comes back and wants to give it another shot; or maybe he matures a few years and realizes that the girl he dated in college was perfect and breaking up with her was a huge mistake. The hollywood version where a guy comes back after a week away is pretty much bullshit though.
What about when the guy dumped the girl in the early stages of the relationship before it could even get to the point of being serious? If a guy reappeared a few months later saying that he made a mistake, would it never be wise to give him another chance?
DeleteBe cynical. See if he can articulate WHY he was mistaken. He should know this if he made a conscious decision to come back to you.
DeleteWhen you say "WHY he was mistaken," do you mean be able to explain the reason behind his disappearance in the past few months, right?
DeleteSort of. I mean, the fact that he is coming back to you shows that he has had some change of heart or mindset. If he comes back and says something like "I feel like I made a mistake breaking up with you," I'd give it only a couple months before he calls it quits again. But imagine that instead he comes back to you and says "I was being stupid. I had this idea in my mind that I would marry a girl who had X Y and Z qualities because this is what was always expected by my parents. But last week I saw this movie that jolted me out of that mindset and got me thinking: I don't give a flying shit about X Y and Z, I care about A B and C - and you have all of them." THAT is articulating why he was mistaken.
Deletesounds like you've abandoned your "cut him off rule" and that you're making a play or have for your ex, Andrew.
DeleteMeaning that this entire blog is bullshit hahaha and Andrew and his followers are idiots.
DeleteI think what we are talking about is situations when the guy has been "cut off" and then HE contacts the girl after the breakup. So the cut off rule is still being applied.
Deletebut andrew is saying she should not cut him off if he tells her he made a mistake by breaking up with him after they tried long distance when they moved for work after they graduated from college
Deletehttp://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/12/why-do-you-want-him-back.html
DeleteContradiction. Not a fragrance by Calvin Klein.
DeleteBut 100% of the time the guy has tried dating other women, and none of those relationships work. Regardless of ABC or XYZ, the time he has "matured" really isn't maturing but rather experiencing rejection and failure and the need for something that worked (which really didn't). So he convinces himself that he wants something he thinks will work not because he made a mistake by stupidly breaking it off, but because he is settling for something he didn't want because he is not all that of a catch to begin with. A woman would have to be as equally desperate to entertain such a guy after 1 or even 2 years. If someone had a change of heart in a week or even a few hours, that's one thing, but to go fuck several other people, and spend the 1-2 years dating endless women and THEN "realize" it's really XYZ...he's desperate and she's stupid for settling.
DeleteI don't know. I think it depends. I think sometimes the guy just isn't ready to settle down, and wants to sow his wild oats, get it out of his system. For me I have experienced a weird occurrence where the men that I was madly in love with come back vigorously, after several years. They harass me to the point of obsession. Sometimes it seems as though men will leave the girl they want because they are not ready to be with one woman for the rest of their lives yet. And then when they are, they come back with a vengeance. As a woman with many options myself, I was non-committal for a very long time, and very focused on my career. But the older I get I realize how much more I'd rather share my life with a partner. Timing and maturity are huge contributors.
DeleteIn response to the anonymous below Andrew's comment, I believe Andrew did not abandon his "cut him off" rule. Those are just guidelines to aid the person to make a proper decision. Each situation warrants different responses.
DeleteI dont know the circumstances behind why Brooke's boyfriend left her after 3 years, but it may have been that he was getting restless and wanted to play the field for a bit. And after 3 months, perhaps he missed the stability of his relationship with Brooke and he is testing the waters with these texts and FB messages. I think she is handling the situation realistically. There is no way she should be over him after 3 months if they were together that long. Its great that she has moved on and continued her life without him, but its only human nature to want to speak with and see an ex that ended the relationship when you didn't want it to end. I think that if she remains level-headed about the situation and keeps her guard up, she will be just fine. Seeing him may even provide closure for her.
ReplyDeleteWell put.
DeleteWhat if a guy rejects for a serious relationship while you are both dating/getting to know eachother?
ReplyDeleteBy saying something like " I don't want anything serious right now" because he just got out of a long term/very serious relationship.
You decline a casual fb status and tell him that you'd be interested if he ever changed his mind.
Is it possible that this man can change his mind about wanting a serious thing with me or does the CUT HIM OFF apply to this situation as well?
we technically rejected each other. I rejected a casual sex thing and he rejected an LTR.
Would appreciate male insight or girls that have been through a similar thing.
Should I be open to trying again if I ever hear back from him a few months later or just forget it?
@aGirl on January 31, 2013 at 7:51 PM --
DeleteYou decline a casual fb status and tell him that you'd be interested if he ever changed his mind.
Decline, now and forever, and don't look back.
Yes, there are unicorns who poop skittles, but the odds that *you* are the one to find one are exceedingly low.
Hint: many players and slimebags will "promise" commitment, all in the hopes of getting in your pants; or they will not answer your pressing questions about an LTR honestly, leading you to rationalize what you want; all the time using you for sex while enjoying sex with several other women at the same time.
You are worth more than that; and by rejecting him, you will hold and maintain your worth.
A man who has honorable intentions, or who truly values you as a person, will usually give you his most precious possession: time. Time, without pressing constantly for physical or sexual escalation.
The dilemma is the things which make a man most suited for an LTR or marriage, often make him look boring or unexciting while courting...
and it is hard to tell (while in the early stages) how much is true euphoria over finding "a good man, a man who *excites* me, an INTERESTING man" and how much is the skilled, well-practiced manipulation of the user.
Signed, male, non-player, married > 25 years.
Good luck to you.
I know you're right :(
DeleteI'll let it go. Take my hamster off its rationalization wheel. There is another high-quality man I like (not as exciting) that has shown he is open to marriage and ready to commit. Seems like a better investment
Thanks,
aGirl
I don't about other females, but to me, asking for a FB relationship or propositioning me for a one night stand has always struck me as one of the highest insults a man could possible give me.
DeleteBy doing so, he is showing me he thinks of me as nothing more than an object. I am good enough to bed but nothing more in his eyes.
Once a man views you as nothing more than an object to sate his lust, I highly doubt he will ever see you as anything more and be able to accord you the respect you deserve as a human being. Best to walk away if you desire anything more than a physical relationship with the man who offers you a FB relationship.
OMG what is a FB relationship?! How do I not know about this?!
Delete- Sally
Yeah...WTF is a FB relationship???
DeleteIt stands for FUCK BUDDY not Facebook .
DeleteRight? Cuz if it doesn't, I also want to know wtf an FB relationship is.
DeleteI believe the FB relationship that J referred to above is indeed Fuck Buddy, which I understand is a lesser relationship than a friends with benefits. FB is just about fucking, whereas FWB is about friendly fucking. :)
DeleteYes it is very insulting. But some men won't outright use those words, but that will still be their intentions. Watch out for those guys. Someone I casually dated that I've known for six years now still tries to reach out to me all of the time for casual friends with benefits. These people see you in this way, and most likely it will never change. Cut them off.
DeleteThis post is quite helpful, if a little advanced for me. Am I the only one who cries after sleeping with my ex-boyfriend? It sucks to know that I have given in when I said I wouldn't and that he has the upper hand.
ReplyDeleteWorst case scenario is that I become pregnant or end up marrying him. The problem is that he was my first boyfriend, I lost my virginity to him and he taught me everything I know about sex. We also made sex tapes, and I am so embarrassed that they will be make public so I just keep sleeping with him. I am 22 and hoping to move abroad after I finish my studies this year so that I have a fresh start.
Andrew says it's like eating the six slice of cake.. you know its bad for you but it tastes good at the time...
DeleteWhy would he make the sex tapes public? Doesn't he respect you enough to keep them private?
DeleteAnd Sally, what are you talking about?
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
ReplyDeleteWhy ego is so important?
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes rejections may generate hate. So when I do want to reject a man so badly without bringing on potential troubles, I would let him fulfill his need for the ego. Some men are sticky and troublesome not because they love you but because they have too strong sense of ego. If you let their ego boasted, then they may stop making more troubles sooner.
I would rather let the man feel as if he is the one to dump me if he is someone I really want to reject without bringing on future troubles. Some cases, man get angry and horrible when his ego is hurt, not because his heart is hurt....
New here. Been reading.
ReplyDeleteGood advice for dealing with the beta males after getting a taste of alpha sugar. Best advice? Don't ever taste the sugar. Ever.
By not doing that you keep yourself relevant to the 90% of the male population that will find you marriageable, and be waaaaay ahead of the dirty 90% of women in 2013 who will do anything an alpha asks.
Don't get addicted to the best men, and let the vast majority of the women around you crash on the alpha rocks leaving you the choice providers. In other words, lay up.
If you do snag an alpha/sigma willing to self domesticate, the ONLY correct answer to "why are you getting married" is...."because I want to be his wife". Period. Anything else shows blatant self interest and hypergamistic tendancies.
Good luck
Tilikum
hiii
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Andrew, my ex dumped me sometime around early March of this year. I somehow saw the end coming, and confronted him just to finally get it over with. That said, when he finally ended things with me after being cold for a month, I told him I understood and agreed with the breakup completely.
ReplyDeleteMy posts on Facebook have always been cheerful, before and even after the breakup. Life has been good to me as I have been succeeding academically and even job-wise. I was recruited to host a TV show, I lost weight, started having "fans," many of whom were male, won awards in college, and got a couple of articles published. I've been bragging about my success on Facebook, and I have not tried to contact him at all after he dumped me. Of course, around the end of March, just when I no longer was pretending to be happy about my accomplishments (I was genuinely happy, yay!), he messaged me on Facebook to "check up on me." At this point I was more annoyed than I was happy to hear from him, so I did show disinterest, although I was polite enough to respond. Similar to Brooke's story, he picked up on my disinterest and did not respond after that.
Just three days ago I bumped into him at an Awards Ceremony at my college, and he looked at me many times, waiting for me to look at him so he could initiate a conversation. I ignored him the whole evening, even almost tripping on my heels as I did not want to speak with him. He stopped trying after that. When I got home, I received another message from him on Facebook (I changed my cellphone number when he dumped me) telling me that he did NOT know what he did to deserve that kind of treatment; and whatever it was that he did, he was sorry about. It was an infuriating message to read, because he did string me along for a month, and he even promised me friendship after a breakup that didn't come around until he started seeing that I was beginning to move on. What angers me the most is that he could have ended things sooner, but he was a coward and waited for me to ask him out before he fessed up and told me he didn't want to date me anymore. I digress. He also congratulated me on my award, wished me the best in life, told me I was a great girl, and said "Bye." I replied, telling him that I assumed he didn't want to speak as he ignored the last message I sent him on Facebook months ago, and I congratulated him on his award as well. He then replied, "Was that a reason to try to completely ignore me? You even almost tripped trying to avoid looking at me." To which I responded with a joke that he no longer replied to, "Haha, I almost tripped once and actually tripped twice."
I was okay with never seeing him again, but as fate would have it, I did see him again the day after. When I turned my head around while at school, I saw him. We both were at school as we had two separate organization meetings to attend. He beamed at me and said, "Hey!" I was still annoyed that he didn't respond during the evening prior, so I ignored him and looked away. Later that evening, as I was saying goodbye to my other friends, I accidentally locked eyes with him while saying, "Bye!" with a huge smile on my face.
Two mornings later, he has now unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh, and I actually started dating a week after he dumped me. No, the new guy wasn't a rebound. I was hurt by the breakup, but I saw it coming, so moving on wasn't that hard. However, my ex is an amazing guy, and I do want to be friends with him again, but I ignored him as I do not, at the moment, trust him. Even friendship needs to be built on trust, right?
So should I apologize to him for killing his ego by ignoring him when I saw him in person? Or should I just wait for time to heal his wounds before I contact him again/add him back on Facebook? Does he now hate me, or do you think he is beginning to question his self-worth, which I actually did a lot when he dumped me?
Looking forward to hearing back from you. Thank you.
Just to add: he seemed quite bitter on Facebook after the breakup, as though he was the one who had been dumped. He went from being professional to posting pictures of beer, new female friends, and even dirty jokes. Perhaps I'm just overanalyzing things, but I felt as though he was trying to get a reaction from me, which I did not give him.
DeleteJust leave it. You're no longer FB friends, why are you even worrying about it?
DeleteI am in a similar situation. He attempted contact many times; I ignored him all times, or I had otherwise been very cold and aloof towards him. Thing is, I actually want him back, but I knew not what his intentions were for getting back in touch. Since I ignored him when he greeted me in person after 2 months of not seeing each other, he unfriended me on Facebook as well. Is he gone for good? :(
DeleteDoes the cutting off rule apply if girlfriend broke off with boyfriend?
ReplyDeleteI and my bf were together for 3 years.I love him a lot.Suddenly he broke up with me saying that he doesnot feel for me anymore and had also kissed a girl without being guilty about it.He said I am leaving you for your happiness.I have contacted him but he responded me very rudely.Will he come back again?
ReplyDeleteHi Andrew, I am in relationship with a guy since more than 3 years and recently he kinda broke up because there is another girl in his life. The situation is very messy now. I reduced contact with him last couple of weeks, stopped calling him to give him some space to think. Now I am going to meet him, please advice what approach to take, what to talk and what not to, considering that I want to make it work out between us. Waiting for your reply. Everyone in this forum is welcome to advice me on this. Thanks in advance.
ReplyDeleteHi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI sent you an email but I wanted to post my situation here as well. Need advice on something related to your post above.
I was in a Friends with Benefits arrangement with a co-worker for about 6 months.
The "relationship" ended a month ago when we had an argument. He ended it by putting the phone down abruptly during that argument and refused to take my calls/messages thereafter.
I called him a day after since I thought he was just mad and just needed to calm down. But he refused to take my call so I took it as a signal that is was over. I never contacted him since.
A month has passed and I made no contact at all. Yesterday, he initiated contact by sending me an email. He said he wanted to say thanks for help that I extended to him last Feb (when we were still FWB) I replied by saying "you're welcome"
Did i do the right thing? Is he trying to be friends again? what are his intentions?
My name is Selina Jackson I was married to my husband for 9 years before he left me
ReplyDeleteI was so devastated, until I meet with a great prophet in a forum I contacted him and told him my problem
he asked me not to worry so he asked me for some details and that I will have him back within three days,
I waited for three days and after three days I saw my husband dressed in an black jacket holding a red rose flower
it was so romantic and nice he came to me and said that for the past three days he could not sleep without seeing me in his dream
and that all of a sudden all his friends have been asking him to come see me and he dosnt know why he cant stop thinking about me
he told me he is planning to leave the new wife. to end the long story we are back together now and we are happy now you can contact him
on prophetfataispiritualtemple@gmail.com or contact him personnally on prophetfatai@gmail.com his temple is actually a place of solution.
My name is Selina Jackson I was married to my husband for 9 years before he left me
ReplyDeleteI was so devastated, until I meet with a great prophet in a forum I contacted him and told him my problem
he asked me not to worry so he asked me for some details and that I will have him back within three days,
I waited for three days and after three days I saw my husband dressed in an black jacket holding a red rose flower
it was so romantic and nice he came to me and said that for the past three days he could not sleep without seeing me in his dream
and that all of a sudden all his friends have been asking him to come see me and he dosnt know why he cant stop thinking about me
he told me he is planning to leave the new wife. to end the long story we are back together now and we are happy now you can contact him
on prophetfataispiritualtemple@gmail.com or contact him personnally on prophetfatai@gmail.com his temple is actually a place of solution.
Hi, as a I bi guy, I started a friendship with younger guy whom I don't know his sexuality but because of his age, I think he sees himself as straight! I started a period of no contact with him as I felt we were getting too close, yet the relationship was not progressing and he was being a bit inconsistent, perhaps even just using using me for favours etc! Anyways after nc for a bout 3 weeks (after 2 he gave up trying to contact me) I reastablish contact with a hey how are you message! I have played it very cool with him and have made it look like I am very busy and kept conversations short with him! However the reaction from him has been - after telling me he would contact me again later on he didnt and have found out through his friends that he did a few things that could be construed as trying to avoid contact with me last night! What should I do now? Keep letting him come to me as was case before n/c or a different approach? I don't want to appear needy!
ReplyDeleteI broke off with my ex 4 years ago (he asked for it, he flirted with my best friend in front of my other friends, he humiliated me, and then, i found that he was actually a married man). After our broke off, he has been messaging me online (at first, he messaged me in every 3 months, now, he messaged me in every 5 months). He even asked his friends to contact me and they told me that he always asked about me. However, i have never replied any of his and his friends' messages for about 3 years for now. Does that mean he did really love me and still love me? Or does it mean, he is feelings guilty about what he has done to me,so he could not let go of me? Should i continue to ignore him to show that i have moved on and i do not want to have anything to do with him anymore?
ReplyDeleteI would guess that he is pissed/has a damaged ego that you broke it off with him and wants to rectify that.
DeleteWhy is it the only way I feel like my ex misses me is if I ignore her. I hate that I have to play that game to get her attention. Everything else I do to try to get us back together doesnt work. Only problem is when I try to ignore her for a long period of time i cave in. This time I have my mind set because I need to move on with my life and need to know if she wants to be that future wife of mine. Reason its difficult is because I work with her and usually feel bad for her. Well if she felt bad for me she would give me another chance. If not this is my final ignore with her because I plan to do it for life. Only thing that will help her is to realize how important our relationship is. If not its time for me to move on. If you love something let it go aka ignore. if it comes back it was meant to be. Please respond with any advice thank you. Broken hearted faithful loving man
ReplyDeleteFirst, who broke up with who and why?
DeleteDude, just move on. She has.
DeleteMy boyfriend and I got in an argument 1 month ago and last week he texted "miss you so bad" At 3am I never replied. Could you please tell me what I should do. I really miss him but am confused. Thank you for any advise (guys your welcome to comment) am sure you would have a great response as to wait for another text from him or what I should do.
ReplyDeleteCONFUSED
I broke up With my boyfriend twice. I questioned my love for him. For it was always in a turmoil. The first time I broke up I missed him like crazy. All his good points came to the fore front of my mind. And I couldn't help but text him. I miss u like crazy. We reconnected. But it didn't take too long till all his negative traits came booming to the surface. Now it's been afew months. And I think I can love him for who he is despite his problems. The only thing that is stopping me is lack of trust. Although we have so much in common my gut feeling tells me I dn't trust this guy. I'm so confused and he's probably moved on, although he's kept some expensive presents I've given him. What's this meant to mean??? Is it normal to keep an ex's presents that they gave u???
ReplyDeleteSo my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago... we dated for 6 years and in those 6 years we broke up 4 times... this is the longest we have broken up.... long story short he wanted to remain friends and i couldnt because i still wanted the relationship and he never, i begged him and he was not interested... So his birthday came and went and i didnt wish him. But all i want to do now is contact him and tell him i miss him and want him back.... What should i be doing? HELP:
ReplyDeleteMy ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. Immediately after breaking up with me, he texts me and asks to be friends. I regret accepting the friendship but I just didn't want to be overly dramatic about the entire thing. I contacted him once just to thank him for everything he's done for me and he hasn't heard from me at all for 5 weeks or so. Then all of a sudden, he sends me a picture of what he was cooking. I say hi back, a short convo happens and then nothing. Weeks after that, he sends me a text to check how I'm doing. I simply say, I'm good. Hope all is well with you too. I didn't ask him how he was but he replies saying everything is peachy at his end.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, it does feel good when weeks after no contact , he pops up all of a sudden.