Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When Your Ex Contacts You...

Hello there Andrew,

I reached out to you about three months ago regarding a man that had recently left me after three years. Well you will be happy to know that I have been dating and self-improving like its my job ;). Your keen advice had a major impact on the manner in which I handled the rejection.

So, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text message last week. It was one of those "Hey, thinking about you, just want to say Hi, how are you?" kind of text messages. Not wanting to sound bitter or unhappy, I gave him a three-word reply. He asked another question and I again gave him a very short reply. He stopped texting after that brief interaction.

Part of me is wondering if that was his attempt to hang out with me again and if he was testing the waters with a text message?

I gave him very uninterested answers which he caught onto quickly. Odds are he will not be trying to contact me anymore but I would really like to see him so that I can show-off a little bit. If my motives are not wanting to get back together but reminding him what he gave up, am I exempt from the "cutting him off rule"? Can I contact him in a few weeks to meet up somewhere casual?

Thank you for reading this!! ;)

Brooke
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Brooke,

Wow. This is the perfect example of how you are supposed to handle a man who contacts you after he breaks up with you. So many women would have gotten back in touch with him before he popped up again, or responded to his text with much more than three words. But you played it perfectly - I am impressed.

By the way, wasn't it so much sweeter getting that text after three months of silence than it would have been if you'd been in contact all along? There is absolutely no ambiguity about the fact that he contacted you for the sole reason that he was thinking about you, wondering how you were, and maybe even questioning whether or not he made the right decision in ending the relationship. The clarity of that fact is beautiful.

Now, in terms of showing him what he's missing, I'd be careful about asking him to hang out with you. True, you might sit there and tell him that everything is going fine (i.e. without him) - and it might even be true, as it is in your case. But he could easily misinterpret the fact that you wanted to spend time with him after only three months. After six months or a year, your desire to meet him would be more obviously a case of platonic curiosity about what he's been up to since you last talked. But after only three months, the fact that you made time to see him might outweigh the indifference you demonstrate in a face-to-face setting. So I suggest sidelining that idea for a few months (though I'm willing to bet that by then you won't care what he thinks; you'll probably just be genuinely curious to see what he's been doing).

The more important point, however, is that your silence already speaks volumes - especially because you never once broke it. Your replies, and in particular their brief and unmoved, matter-of-fact tone also communicated to him how much you've moved on. If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him (which would have been a fine way to handle the situation if this had been the case). And if you'd replied with more enthusiasm or tried to engage him in conversation, he would have assumed that you were still in love with him and trying to get him back. In either case, his ego would have swelled, even in spite of any feelings of sympathy or guilt he had. But your brief replies were at once so casual and indifferent that you can be sure his ego was kept in check, probably even deflated. Moreover, he was acutely reminded of his decision to walk away from a confident woman who respects herself and now has a promising future.

As I said, I am impressed. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Good luck,
Andrew
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Update: I had another e-mail from Brooke shortly after the one above, telling me that her ex contacted her again the next day, this time on Facebook, and said "ugh, just read through our log of messages, it takes me back. miss you [pet name]. hope you are well, I miss you a lot! im sure you dont want to hear that but its true..." She did not indicate whether or not she would reply, but it was clear that she viewed this - rightly - as a personal victory (not a victory over him) rather than an opportunity to get back together with him.

Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you.


Related Posts
1. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
2. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
3. Cut Him Off

162 comments:

  1. "If you hadn't replied at all, he would have assumed that you were so upset or heartbroken that you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him"

    Have you thought this one through?
    I think you just found her response amazing (it was a normal response, but you've clearly had a lot of the opposite) and concluded that it was the only right solution.
    Plenty of people break with an ex and ignore messages from them. Guys do it (without assumptions that they're "too hurt") and girls do it (because most of the time the man in question is fishing for sex).
    I do find ignoring messages from an ex completely normal. You're not so naive that you think you can be "just friends", you're not interested in casual sex nor getting back together and you're not looking to encourage further interaction.
    To assume a girl is heartbroken because she ignores you is a bit far-fetched IMO. Unless the guy has a major ego, in which case he will assume that all the women he's been with are in love with him and always will be (and with a guy like that, there is nothing you can do to make him think differently). Ignoring someone may very well mean indifference - it often does. The girls I know who respond to texts from exes are still hung up on them and are therefore interested in a conversation.

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    1. I agree, a narcissistic ex would interpret the complete silence to mean that the other party is severely heart-broken. I think when the girl is really over the guy, she would not give a damn about what he thinks. I would encourage Brooke to ignore her ex, but her desire/need to show him what he is missing seems to suggest that she still cares about what he thinks of her.

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    2. Agreed too. Why should give a damn about him when you're happy without him ? It has no meaning to show off to him. He can hurt you when he finds your happiness doesn't have effect to him.

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    3. Yeah Brooke, focus your attention elsewhere! Go have a drink with your girl friends at the bar and show off your new self to all the other guys out there. Th ex can wait in line if he really digs you.

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    4. "I do find ignoring messages from an ex completely normal. You're not so naive that you think you can be 'just friends,' you're not interested in casual sex nor getting back together and you're not looking to encourage further interaction."

      In my experience this is hugely exceptional, not normal. I've answered hundreds of e-mails from women asking for advice in the past year, and the overwhelming majority of them (the ones that are going through a break-up, that is) struggle to do so. This is understandable, as they've lost a relationship they didn't want to end. Now, I grant that the women seeking my advice might not be representative of ALL women, but this has also been my experience with the women I've dated.

      Incidentally, men who get broken up with by a woman they really want often behave in the same way. It isn't a male-female phenomenon so much as a dumper-dumpee phenomenon.

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    5. Anon 5.54 PM here.
      It is possible that my experience of what is 'normal' as a reaction to a break up is different to what you've seen. But as you say, these women are usually the "dumpees" and they are also more than averagely hung up on the guy, as they feel the need to email you. As for your personal experience, I don't think it is representative for all men. You have mentioned before (jokingly, but most likely honestly) that you are "full of yourself" and you prefer to maintain an upper hand. We've heard before that you don't feel the need to respond to a girl you've been seeing or to finalize the breakup - this will also lead to girls texting you more than if you'd cut them loose properly.

      Anyway, that was not my main point. My main point is that ignoring someone will 9 out of 10 times mean indifference. Brooke's message may not have been enthusiastic but it encourages more interaction than if she hadn't responded at all. Furthermore, a 3 word message such as "I am fine" with no more questions or smileys, comes across as more huffy than indifferent. She is trying to sound proud, but she chose to reply because she wanted more interaction with him, and he knows that.
      If she's not going to get back together with him, doesn't want to randomly hook up with him and wants to show indifference, I cannot comprehend how her response was the "perfect response". No response would have been the perfect response.
      If responding to messages from an ex is the norm, and ignoring them is the exception, then surely Brooke's reaction is the norm among most women struggling to get over a breakup and is nothing for the rest of us to imitate.

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    6. * I don't know what her 3 word message was, but I imagine something along those lines. If he's written a longer text, and she responds like that, she will sound a bit angry. Especially since they were together and probably on sweet terms only 3 months ago.

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    7. Ignoring a person you know who texts you is rude - a violation of etiquette. The only reason to break etiquette is if you care enough about ignoring the person that you do so intentionally. It shows more personal investment (whether positive or negative) in the recipient's relationship to the sender if she ignores his text than it does if she replies briefly, following the rules of courtesy as we all do.

      Her brief responses were perfect in the sense that they communicated perfectly to her ex "I am fine; I am not jumping for joy in the hope that you are going to ask me to be your boyfriend again."

      This was a desirable way to be perceived by her ex for two reasons:

      (a) she wants to avoid inflating the ego of a man that hurt her, and
      (b) she is already feeling far more indifferent towards him than she did right after the break-up, and she will ultimately feel exactly the way her texts convey. By acting this way now, even if it isn't perfectly sincere, she is showing him a preview of the future, when her emotional investment in him is completely gone and he's lost a girl he once loved.

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    8. under what circumstances should you take back a guy who dumped you?

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    9. So deleting an ex from Facebook will inflate their ego? Or will they respect you more for doing it?

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    10. Andrew-

      I think that Madeline was truthful that no response is the best response, esp. if you link all of the 'truth' of other wise posters. We've already established that giving in and communicating, will EVENTUALLY have to end in silence from SOME ONE because they will probably not get back into a relationship. So, why not ignore fishing text from the get go? She is just prolonging the inevitable? Also, people tend to NOT change their minds, if a guy dumps you he is likely to do it again. And this is based on best case scenario assumption he might want her back.

      Let's ponder other reasons exes pop back up... in cyber world via facebook or texting; loneliness, or boredom, or gauging the possibility of sex, or chance to toy with her, or check to see she hasn't moved on, or he's been rejected by another girl, or hasn't met a new one, or feeling weird that all his friends are successfully coupled and he is not, or has a wedding coming up an needs a suitable date, etc.

      You state "Ignoring a person you know who texts you is rude - a violation of etiquette. The only reason to break etiquette is if you care enough about ignoring the person that you do so intentionally. It shows more personal investment" It actually shows she has the wisdom to know it is futile for aforementioned reasons, so no text at all is better than meaningless (polite?) noise that goes nowhere (linear) or worse, puts her in a vulnerable position again (backwards).

      Actions speak louder than words. No reply means, "sorry you're indecisive, not on my time, I'm not playing games, we already tried it didn't work and I'm not interested in what you are offering". It doesn't mean I'm devastated and punishing you. It is what it is. Irretrievably broken and futile, in a straightforward, non-emotional way.

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    11. Vivian, I think it would inflate their ego. Though in serious break-ups where there is good will between the guy and girl, I think the guy will realize why she is doing it and it won't make him as proud.

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    12. Too late lol Next time I'll resist the urge.

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    13. I think the best response to an ex coming back varies depending on the situation and what a person is hoping to get out of a situation.

      In my case he cheated on me and I found out through someone else. We silently broke-up and he left me for the woman he cheated on me with. After some time had passed with no communication from either side, he eventually messaged me. I assumed at the time that he had hit a rough patch with his new girlfriend and thought about me. I found out later that it was true. I'll admit that I was hurt, but when I chose to not respond it was because I wanted him to know that he would never have a chance with me again. He needed to stop bouncing from woman to woman when things got tough, and I wasn't going to be the woman he could do that with. He couldn't see me, talk to me or find out how I was doing. I made him live with his choice. I believe the only way I could have done that was to remove him from my life.

      I guess though that the most polite way to let someone go is to respond with a brief message that indicates nothing for the future. That may give her the moral high-ground.

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    14. After I broke up with an ex who had humiliated me (even though I still loved him) he began using Facebook as a tool to continue hurting me and I am sure he had planned to keep tabs. Deleting him took this power away from him and it also gave me the distance that I needed to rebuild my life.

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    15. Deleting a guy from facebook may just as well be interpreted as "I don't want you to see my stuff" as "I am too hurt to see yours". If he gets an ego boost from it, he has a problem, and there is nothing you can do either way. Do what you need to do for you. Deleting an ex from facebook is the only sensible thing to do. Why on earth should you keep them around? It doesn't give him any more "power", it just restricts his access to info on your life.

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    16. What my ex had been doing was flirting with women, adding loads of random women to his Facebook and making snide remarks about me either in status updates or under mutual friends status updates. Who needs that crap? I deleted him so I would not be tempted to check and hid mutual friends updates for a time. Had I not done that, the recovery time would have been far longer. I did not respond to his attempts to provoke me, I made a clean break. Who cares what the dude thinks? Deleting was a good idea Vivian.

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    17. I agree with W and the anon above her. Focus on what helps you get over him, and stop thinking about how he might interpret the situation. Who cares about what he thinks? Delete and block him.

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    18. I agree with the last few posters. A few years ago my friend was organising a party where I was 99% sure my ex was invited to and I did not want to go because the break-up was bad and I still had feelings for him. When I voiced my concerns about his being there to another friend who was also invited, she blurted out "You should be over him by now and if you don't go, you will be letting him get the better of you and he'll know that and will have won! You have to go and show him that he can't get you down!"

      Well, I'm glad I didn't listen to that idiotic advice and chose to stay home, because if I had gone, not only would I have found out that my ex was there, but he was also there with his fiance. Now imagine what a slap in the face that would have been, especially after he told me he didn't believe in marriage when he was breaking up with me (not that I was pushing him for marriage anyway)? I am certain that whatever progress I made in my recovery would have been thrown right back to square one had I gone, and who needs that? At the end of the day, do whatever is most comfortable for you. Never put yourself in uncomfortable situations to try and "prove" anything to your ex because that could backfire. No ex is that important, and trying to prove something implies that they are. It's stressful enough as it is brushing past them, let alone worrying about how they might interpret your actions. If you're not emotionally up to it, then don't do it. Thank god I found out he got married when I was over him, because by then I received such information with indifference. I'm glad I had the wisdom and sense to protect myself by refusing to find out anything about my ex's life while I still loved him.

      You'll have ample time to prove whatever you want to your ex by the time you get over him/her (that's not a matter of if, but a matter of when). You will be able to prove that without even trying and very simply - by being indifferent.

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  2. How if a woman who hurts her ex contacts her ex again to say sorry and want to meet up ? How her ex see this behavior ?

    Man and woman have different point of view and respond in this "when your ex contacts" case ?

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  3. I'm with anonymous on this one.

    Not replying to a text of that nature could mean indifference or hurt, but generally, not replying to a message will be interpreted as (and a result of) indifference.

    This girl is running game.

    She's not over him. You wouldn't be hearing about it if she was.

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    1. I think she's over him but want to play the game and feed her ego.

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    2. Then she's not over him. You can't win in a game where your opponent doesn't exist.

      Also possible she has a thing for Andrew and wants to show off.

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    3. Ha "Also possible she has a thing for Andrew and wants to show off" too cute. LMAO, ROLFL.

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    4. I have a thing for Andrew. He is the wickedly bright younger brother that I wish I had.

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    5. The opponent in the game isn't the person you're trying to attract. It's everyone else who's trying to attract them. They're who you have to beat!

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  4. Haha I love this post. I've been there, and there simply is no sweeter victory than hearing from a man months after being rejected by him. The tables have turned:)

    I wise (male) cousin of mine once told me that there is simply no better way to fuck with a man's head then to give him...complete silence. And in my experience, when you do that, they cave and initiate contact 99% of the time.

    Oh, and also...I have been there with wondering whether I blew the guy's effort to rekindle things etc. Nope, not the case. If she responded more enthusiastically the end result would probably be the same. (ie, no grand overture. Just nothing). That is something I have also learned from experience:)

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  5. Brooke isn't over nobody. Meet up with him and let him tell you he banged 3 19 year olds since you broke up. Worthwhile? Also men lie. Actions speak louder than words. I am sure he knows where you live and work or hang out. When he convinently (sp?) shows up there, maybe, he misses you. A Facebook message, come on! You're recent interaction took all of maybe 10 minutes for him to write. Can't even call you? That's what 3 years was worth? Get a clue, Brooke. And also a life since you have time to "show off".

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    1. Exactly! Texting/FB-ing is simply finger-work. Are you that easy, Brooke? Sorry that I sound mean but I mean well. :)

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    2. Who ever said Brooke was over him? She certainly never claimed this. She only claimed to have moved on, and come to terms with the situation, knowing that she doesn't want to be with a man who doesn't want her. Though to be honest, it seems to me like she is a lot more over him than you are giving her credit for - though I am privy to the whole e-mail string and not just what I've posted. Maybe this explains the difference.

      As for the Facebook message not meaning anything, or being "ego-boost fishing" - sorry but this can't be the case. A man looking for an ego boost doesn't insinuate in the process of doing so that he is doubting a serious decision he made (this is self-deprecating in and of itself); and a man indifferent doesn't waste the time - even 10 minutes - to write the Facebook message.

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    3. Angry much, Andrew? Maybe the other commenter was right that you have a thing for Brooke.

      Anywho, I never said it was an ego boost (Anon 8:17pm). I would just think that out of a 3 year relationship one would hope for more than a text and FB message, I mean come on. Brooke if anything should wait this thing out, be radio silent, and get a life. She should be too busy dating other guys and having a full life. The best revenge is living well. Now is it going to ¡e easy or is easy, no. But that doesn't make my advice the best in this scenerio. Brooke in 10 years are you going to hope/ even remember how you showed off to ex that sent you a FB message. If you do, then you have bigger problems.

      P.S. Not trying to put Brooke down (I don't know her), but this is the advice I would give my girlfriends. What is the worst that could happen if you do nothing? Maybe, forget about it?

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    4. Brooke, please read this blog post, the comments, and this site:

      http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/finding-the-willpower-to-stick-with-a-decision-to-change-when-you-feel-exhausted-from-resisting/

      While this isn't exactly your situation, maybe it will help.

      Anon 8:17pm

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    5. Why did she seem so excited about his getting back in touch with her? So he dumped her, she worked on self-improvement, and now she seems eager to reconnect with him. I hope Brooke can tell us what she decides to do. :-)

      I still agree with the op of this thread, texting is lazy communication. That is another topic though. 10 min of typing is not a big deal. Many of us here spend more than 10 minutes posting comments.

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  6. Congrats to Brooke! This proves that cutting him off is a good thing to do. I had a similar moment of triumph today after I received what would be the 3rd Fb request from a guy.
    Forget that guy. There are bigger fish to fry :)
    and now that we have Andrew's help we can only expect to do better. Don't go back to that guy. Cut him off!
    If you feel the need to show him what he is missing, you're still not completely over him. If he sees you out, it's a different thing, but don't go out of your way to show him you're doing good.


    Andrew, will you consider posting a video that shows how a feminine woman looks and acts? A movie clip or something.

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    1. Interesting idea. Let me see what I can find, but I suspect that will be tough. It isn't easy to differentiate personality from femininity, which I suspect will cloud the illustration.

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    2. Yes, a video is a great idea! Please do post one if you are able to find one :)

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    3. This video is interesting, though I can't speak for how well it works. Start watching at 3:04 and compare the two ways she acts. I don't see a huge difference in the examples she gives, but this doesn't mean it couldn't be more pronounced for you or in other occasions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVBecIL2NFw

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    4. Or this one, starting at 2:35. Very interesting. I like this one better because the example she uses shows the contrast better:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uel4bH4aM44

      I do think she slouches too much when she engages her feminine posture, though the accent of the hips (placing weight on one side) is sexy, and I think a slight head tilt - which should have fallen out of her efforts to relax her "heartspace" (including her neck).

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    5. Yes, very interesting. Not at all what I was expecting, but I suspect it might work. I know from experience that I've had a lot more engaging conversations when there's not as much going on in my head (concerned with what the other person is thinking) and I come across as a lot more confident, relaxed and interested in the other person with regular contact.

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    6. Rob Brinded has done a lot of work on coaching people on their body language to attract the opposite gender (i.e. they need to move in a feminine way if they're female, masculine if they're male). And provides a great free eBook on it with exercises for strengthening in specific ways in order to move your body according to your gender. I'm not explaining it very well, but his "Brazilian butt" e-book is a fantastic read. Not only did I start having more/better quality men approach me, my extra hip fat finally disappeared after decades. With just a few squats a day. Amazing. I'm not exaggerating. When I started walking with more of a hip sway, at first I felt so conspicuous, like I was walking around with a loaded gun.

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    7. Think the second one is pretty good too, albeit a bit long winded. The stuff about the hips is good. Think the second one is good for women who are not so confident in speaking with men and who need more practice.

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    8. Oops, meant to include some links:

      http://www.youtube.com/user/trainsexy?feature=watch

      http://www.codetocatchhim.com/

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  7. Well, she will have to keep up the Radio Silence, because the moment she gets soft and he sees she would like to try the relationship again, he will bail, ghost, send an "I'm sorry" text. That's how these things work, men just like the ego boost of seeing that you haven't moved on or they are still the best of your options. DONT DO IT. You will be back to square one, where you were three years ago when he dumped you. It is regrettable that it is futile, certainly not like in our parents and grandparents era, but people nowadays just want to play the game indefinitely. Sucks. The second you cave in and show your feelings, is the exact second they feel "She is great! but now I think I can do better" Find some one who is not a game player and have a REAL life, & get off these blogs.

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    1. I actually agree with this comment, in the sense that giving in and trying to go back to him will end up in the "I'm sorry [but I don't want a relationship again]" text.

      However, I don't think this is as much a matter of male ego (in this case at least) as a matter of indecision and an idealization of the past. Based on what he's said so far - the text and FB message - it sounds like he hasn't decided completely that he wants her back. But if Brooke were to text/message him back with leading questions, in an attempt to further the conversation, she would show him that he COULD have her back. Suddenly the remote idea of getting back together, and nostalgia he is toying with in his mind, would crystallize and become a reality. And of course, it would then lose its allure.

      So I think this is less a mechanism of ego and more a matter of his romanticizing what he's left behind.

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    2. well...his romanticizing feeds his ego, he's surely not thinking of her needs, at any point in the continuum?..so...
      Here is definition from freedictionary.com
      EGO BOOST noun
      "something such as praise, success, etc., that makes one feel better about oneself or raises one's morale"

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  8. And we know what thing called revenge...

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  9. Gawd !!! This "revenge" thing is so ....hmmm....so....female wouldnyathunk ?

    The bloke keeps messaging because he is intriuged and probably challenged by her seeming lack of interest about communicating with, and meeting him.

    Another take on this situation is that while the ex may be thinking about her, he is more than likely up for some ego stroking (ie - getting her all hot and mushy again and begging for another shot). I mentioned before in another post that most men (honourable ones anyway) never look back after a break-up. Even if they come to regret their decision to leave the woman. They generally don't second guess themselves. If they do return, it is usually not for honourable reasons - eg. wanting an ego boost, wanting sex that he can't find anyone else to give to him.

    I honestly can't reason the point in making a person like that "jealous" or "regretful". These sort of men are not wired that way. If a man truly truly regrets his decision to split with a woman, he would not want to see her and know anything about her because it would truly break his heart to see her happy again, particularly with someone else. A man so vulnerable will absolutely NOT put himself in that position where the woman he loves sees him so broken.

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    1. Again, I have to disagree with the idea that this is ego-stroking on his part. See the comments I made above at 4:43 and 4:35.

      But, "honourable ones"? - I think "proud ones" is more accurate. The unwillingness to lose face prevents men from second-guessing themselves, not a sense of moral righteousness. Though maybe in the UK* honourable is synonymous with proud? Here in the US honourable is more a synonym of moral than proud.

      *(I assume that's where you're from because of the spelling)

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    2. i just recently received a call from an ex FOB by the way and I didnt answer due to my music being too loud, when i did call back 40 min later no answer. so back to drawing board

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  10. OK, this seems like a good place to post a related question - what if Brooke *actually* wanted him back? What would be the best strategy at this point?

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    1. Wait until he makes a much stronger indication of his regret, then ask him if he wants to talk about it.

      If his intention to get back together is there, he will agree. If not, she should tell him to fuck off and stop bothering her with his self-pity and confusion because he's already done her enough damage.

      Have a single conversation in which she asks him for his reasons for wanting to get back together. This is key. If he wants to get back together, he will be able to give a specific explanation of his thought process and will express a definite desire for reunion. Anything short of this - for example, requests to "just see how things go" - should be treated as if they mean "I am just lonely or just want sex," because they do.

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    2. And would you do this talk in person? Cos obviously you don't know what his intentions are until you meet up if that's the case.

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    3. I think it would be best over the phone or e-mail, though I don't see a big problem with doing it in person, so long as the initial conversation (him contacting her to express his regret or want to get back together) occurs in some other way.

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    4. Interesting. Here is another question for your opinion Andrew: Say the guys does express a legit desire to get back together. How would you suggest you proceed?

      My opinion is that the relationship starts back at ground zero (rather than picking up where it left off), where the guy truly shows he is back with her for the right reason. Pretty much meaning, he has to be on his best behavior, is on a probation period, and no sex for awhile.

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    5. I agree with the spirit of what you are saying, but I actually disagree. Here is why: you need to be damn sure of his intentions and his change of heart in order to let him back into your life. And if you are THAT sure, there shouldn't be any need for a probation period.

      Stated otherwise (probably more clearly): if there is a need for a probation period, you shouldn't be back together with him.

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    6. Well, in light of that, I very much doubt there is anything a man could say or do within one conversation (or even a few) that would make me damn sure of his intentions since he already told me once that he no longer wanted me for whatever reason which caused him to decide to break up.

      Trust can be regained but it takes time - More than a few days of playing nice which, most likely, are nothing more than a result of his own loneliness.

      And so, to sum it up... once a guy (or girl) breaks it off with you, you probably shouldn't let him (or her) back into your life.

      It all kind of confirms my own experiences in life. Twice I have let men back into my life after they dumped me (and I cut them both off completely after they said their goodbyes). Both time, a few months after taking them back, they dumped me again. If a guy likes you, he doesn't dump you and if he dumped you once he just doesn't like you enough and never will.

      But I could be way off the mark.

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    7. No I think you are close to the mark.

      But I could see it working if, for example, a guy moves away for work and breaks up with a girl because he doesn't want to do long distance, then comes back and wants to give it another shot; or maybe he matures a few years and realizes that the girl he dated in college was perfect and breaking up with her was a huge mistake. The hollywood version where a guy comes back after a week away is pretty much bullshit though.

      Delete
    8. What about when the guy dumped the girl in the early stages of the relationship before it could even get to the point of being serious? If a guy reappeared a few months later saying that he made a mistake, would it never be wise to give him another chance?

      Delete
    9. Be cynical. See if he can articulate WHY he was mistaken. He should know this if he made a conscious decision to come back to you.

      Delete
    10. When you say "WHY he was mistaken," do you mean be able to explain the reason behind his disappearance in the past few months, right?

      Delete
    11. Sort of. I mean, the fact that he is coming back to you shows that he has had some change of heart or mindset. If he comes back and says something like "I feel like I made a mistake breaking up with you," I'd give it only a couple months before he calls it quits again. But imagine that instead he comes back to you and says "I was being stupid. I had this idea in my mind that I would marry a girl who had X Y and Z qualities because this is what was always expected by my parents. But last week I saw this movie that jolted me out of that mindset and got me thinking: I don't give a flying shit about X Y and Z, I care about A B and C - and you have all of them." THAT is articulating why he was mistaken.

      Delete
    12. sounds like you've abandoned your "cut him off rule" and that you're making a play or have for your ex, Andrew.

      Delete
    13. Meaning that this entire blog is bullshit hahaha and Andrew and his followers are idiots.

      Delete
    14. I think what we are talking about is situations when the guy has been "cut off" and then HE contacts the girl after the breakup. So the cut off rule is still being applied.

      Delete
    15. but andrew is saying she should not cut him off if he tells her he made a mistake by breaking up with him after they tried long distance when they moved for work after they graduated from college

      Delete
    16. http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/12/why-do-you-want-him-back.html

      Delete
    17. Contradiction. Not a fragrance by Calvin Klein.

      Delete
    18. But 100% of the time the guy has tried dating other women, and none of those relationships work. Regardless of ABC or XYZ, the time he has "matured" really isn't maturing but rather experiencing rejection and failure and the need for something that worked (which really didn't). So he convinces himself that he wants something he thinks will work not because he made a mistake by stupidly breaking it off, but because he is settling for something he didn't want because he is not all that of a catch to begin with. A woman would have to be as equally desperate to entertain such a guy after 1 or even 2 years. If someone had a change of heart in a week or even a few hours, that's one thing, but to go fuck several other people, and spend the 1-2 years dating endless women and THEN "realize" it's really XYZ...he's desperate and she's stupid for settling.

      Delete
    19. I don't know. I think it depends. I think sometimes the guy just isn't ready to settle down, and wants to sow his wild oats, get it out of his system. For me I have experienced a weird occurrence where the men that I was madly in love with come back vigorously, after several years. They harass me to the point of obsession. Sometimes it seems as though men will leave the girl they want because they are not ready to be with one woman for the rest of their lives yet. And then when they are, they come back with a vengeance. As a woman with many options myself, I was non-committal for a very long time, and very focused on my career. But the older I get I realize how much more I'd rather share my life with a partner. Timing and maturity are huge contributors.

      Delete
    20. In response to the anonymous below Andrew's comment, I believe Andrew did not abandon his "cut him off" rule. Those are just guidelines to aid the person to make a proper decision. Each situation warrants different responses.

      Delete
  11. I dont know the circumstances behind why Brooke's boyfriend left her after 3 years, but it may have been that he was getting restless and wanted to play the field for a bit. And after 3 months, perhaps he missed the stability of his relationship with Brooke and he is testing the waters with these texts and FB messages. I think she is handling the situation realistically. There is no way she should be over him after 3 months if they were together that long. Its great that she has moved on and continued her life without him, but its only human nature to want to speak with and see an ex that ended the relationship when you didn't want it to end. I think that if she remains level-headed about the situation and keeps her guard up, she will be just fine. Seeing him may even provide closure for her.

    ReplyDelete
  12. What if a guy rejects for a serious relationship while you are both dating/getting to know eachother?

    By saying something like " I don't want anything serious right now" because he just got out of a long term/very serious relationship.
    You decline a casual fb status and tell him that you'd be interested if he ever changed his mind.

    Is it possible that this man can change his mind about wanting a serious thing with me or does the CUT HIM OFF apply to this situation as well?

    we technically rejected each other. I rejected a casual sex thing and he rejected an LTR.

    Would appreciate male insight or girls that have been through a similar thing.

    Should I be open to trying again if I ever hear back from him a few months later or just forget it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @aGirl on January 31, 2013 at 7:51 PM --

      You decline a casual fb status and tell him that you'd be interested if he ever changed his mind.

      Decline, now and forever, and don't look back.
      Yes, there are unicorns who poop skittles, but the odds that *you* are the one to find one are exceedingly low.

      Hint: many players and slimebags will "promise" commitment, all in the hopes of getting in your pants; or they will not answer your pressing questions about an LTR honestly, leading you to rationalize what you want; all the time using you for sex while enjoying sex with several other women at the same time.

      You are worth more than that; and by rejecting him, you will hold and maintain your worth.

      A man who has honorable intentions, or who truly values you as a person, will usually give you his most precious possession: time. Time, without pressing constantly for physical or sexual escalation.

      The dilemma is the things which make a man most suited for an LTR or marriage, often make him look boring or unexciting while courting...
      and it is hard to tell (while in the early stages) how much is true euphoria over finding "a good man, a man who *excites* me, an INTERESTING man" and how much is the skilled, well-practiced manipulation of the user.

      Signed, male, non-player, married > 25 years.

      Good luck to you.

      Delete
    2. I know you're right :(
      I'll let it go. Take my hamster off its rationalization wheel. There is another high-quality man I like (not as exciting) that has shown he is open to marriage and ready to commit. Seems like a better investment

      Thanks,
      aGirl

      Delete
    3. I don't about other females, but to me, asking for a FB relationship or propositioning me for a one night stand has always struck me as one of the highest insults a man could possible give me.

      By doing so, he is showing me he thinks of me as nothing more than an object. I am good enough to bed but nothing more in his eyes.

      Once a man views you as nothing more than an object to sate his lust, I highly doubt he will ever see you as anything more and be able to accord you the respect you deserve as a human being. Best to walk away if you desire anything more than a physical relationship with the man who offers you a FB relationship.

      Delete
    4. OMG what is a FB relationship?! How do I not know about this?!
      - Sally

      Delete
    5. Yeah...WTF is a FB relationship???

      Delete
    6. It stands for FUCK BUDDY not Facebook .

      Delete
    7. Right? Cuz if it doesn't, I also want to know wtf an FB relationship is.

      Delete
    8. I believe the FB relationship that J referred to above is indeed Fuck Buddy, which I understand is a lesser relationship than a friends with benefits. FB is just about fucking, whereas FWB is about friendly fucking. :)

      Delete
    9. Yes it is very insulting. But some men won't outright use those words, but that will still be their intentions. Watch out for those guys. Someone I casually dated that I've known for six years now still tries to reach out to me all of the time for casual friends with benefits. These people see you in this way, and most likely it will never change. Cut them off.

      Delete
  13. This post is quite helpful, if a little advanced for me. Am I the only one who cries after sleeping with my ex-boyfriend? It sucks to know that I have given in when I said I wouldn't and that he has the upper hand.

    Worst case scenario is that I become pregnant or end up marrying him. The problem is that he was my first boyfriend, I lost my virginity to him and he taught me everything I know about sex. We also made sex tapes, and I am so embarrassed that they will be make public so I just keep sleeping with him. I am 22 and hoping to move abroad after I finish my studies this year so that I have a fresh start.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Andrew says it's like eating the six slice of cake.. you know its bad for you but it tastes good at the time...

      Delete
    2. Why would he make the sex tapes public? Doesn't he respect you enough to keep them private?

      And Sally, what are you talking about?

      Delete
  14. “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

    ReplyDelete
  15. Why ego is so important?

    I think sometimes rejections may generate hate. So when I do want to reject a man so badly without bringing on potential troubles, I would let him fulfill his need for the ego. Some men are sticky and troublesome not because they love you but because they have too strong sense of ego. If you let their ego boasted, then they may stop making more troubles sooner.

    I would rather let the man feel as if he is the one to dump me if he is someone I really want to reject without bringing on future troubles. Some cases, man get angry and horrible when his ego is hurt, not because his heart is hurt....

    ReplyDelete
  16. New here. Been reading.

    Good advice for dealing with the beta males after getting a taste of alpha sugar. Best advice? Don't ever taste the sugar. Ever.

    By not doing that you keep yourself relevant to the 90% of the male population that will find you marriageable, and be waaaaay ahead of the dirty 90% of women in 2013 who will do anything an alpha asks.

    Don't get addicted to the best men, and let the vast majority of the women around you crash on the alpha rocks leaving you the choice providers. In other words, lay up.

    If you do snag an alpha/sigma willing to self domesticate, the ONLY correct answer to "why are you getting married" is...."because I want to be his wife". Period. Anything else shows blatant self interest and hypergamistic tendancies.

    Good luck

    Tilikum

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  18. Andrew, my ex dumped me sometime around early March of this year. I somehow saw the end coming, and confronted him just to finally get it over with. That said, when he finally ended things with me after being cold for a month, I told him I understood and agreed with the breakup completely.

    My posts on Facebook have always been cheerful, before and even after the breakup. Life has been good to me as I have been succeeding academically and even job-wise. I was recruited to host a TV show, I lost weight, started having "fans," many of whom were male, won awards in college, and got a couple of articles published. I've been bragging about my success on Facebook, and I have not tried to contact him at all after he dumped me. Of course, around the end of March, just when I no longer was pretending to be happy about my accomplishments (I was genuinely happy, yay!), he messaged me on Facebook to "check up on me." At this point I was more annoyed than I was happy to hear from him, so I did show disinterest, although I was polite enough to respond. Similar to Brooke's story, he picked up on my disinterest and did not respond after that.

    Just three days ago I bumped into him at an Awards Ceremony at my college, and he looked at me many times, waiting for me to look at him so he could initiate a conversation. I ignored him the whole evening, even almost tripping on my heels as I did not want to speak with him. He stopped trying after that. When I got home, I received another message from him on Facebook (I changed my cellphone number when he dumped me) telling me that he did NOT know what he did to deserve that kind of treatment; and whatever it was that he did, he was sorry about. It was an infuriating message to read, because he did string me along for a month, and he even promised me friendship after a breakup that didn't come around until he started seeing that I was beginning to move on. What angers me the most is that he could have ended things sooner, but he was a coward and waited for me to ask him out before he fessed up and told me he didn't want to date me anymore. I digress. He also congratulated me on my award, wished me the best in life, told me I was a great girl, and said "Bye." I replied, telling him that I assumed he didn't want to speak as he ignored the last message I sent him on Facebook months ago, and I congratulated him on his award as well. He then replied, "Was that a reason to try to completely ignore me? You even almost tripped trying to avoid looking at me." To which I responded with a joke that he no longer replied to, "Haha, I almost tripped once and actually tripped twice."

    I was okay with never seeing him again, but as fate would have it, I did see him again the day after. When I turned my head around while at school, I saw him. We both were at school as we had two separate organization meetings to attend. He beamed at me and said, "Hey!" I was still annoyed that he didn't respond during the evening prior, so I ignored him and looked away. Later that evening, as I was saying goodbye to my other friends, I accidentally locked eyes with him while saying, "Bye!" with a huge smile on my face.

    Two mornings later, he has now unfriended me on Facebook.

    Oh, and I actually started dating a week after he dumped me. No, the new guy wasn't a rebound. I was hurt by the breakup, but I saw it coming, so moving on wasn't that hard. However, my ex is an amazing guy, and I do want to be friends with him again, but I ignored him as I do not, at the moment, trust him. Even friendship needs to be built on trust, right?

    So should I apologize to him for killing his ego by ignoring him when I saw him in person? Or should I just wait for time to heal his wounds before I contact him again/add him back on Facebook? Does he now hate me, or do you think he is beginning to question his self-worth, which I actually did a lot when he dumped me?

    Looking forward to hearing back from you. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just to add: he seemed quite bitter on Facebook after the breakup, as though he was the one who had been dumped. He went from being professional to posting pictures of beer, new female friends, and even dirty jokes. Perhaps I'm just overanalyzing things, but I felt as though he was trying to get a reaction from me, which I did not give him.

      Delete
    2. Just leave it. You're no longer FB friends, why are you even worrying about it?

      Delete
    3. I am in a similar situation. He attempted contact many times; I ignored him all times, or I had otherwise been very cold and aloof towards him. Thing is, I actually want him back, but I knew not what his intentions were for getting back in touch. Since I ignored him when he greeted me in person after 2 months of not seeing each other, he unfriended me on Facebook as well. Is he gone for good? :(

      Delete
  19. Does the cutting off rule apply if girlfriend broke off with boyfriend?

    ReplyDelete
  20. I and my bf were together for 3 years.I love him a lot.Suddenly he broke up with me saying that he doesnot feel for me anymore and had also kissed a girl without being guilty about it.He said I am leaving you for your happiness.I have contacted him but he responded me very rudely.Will he come back again?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Andrew, I am in relationship with a guy since more than 3 years and recently he kinda broke up because there is another girl in his life. The situation is very messy now. I reduced contact with him last couple of weeks, stopped calling him to give him some space to think. Now I am going to meet him, please advice what approach to take, what to talk and what not to, considering that I want to make it work out between us. Waiting for your reply. Everyone in this forum is welcome to advice me on this. Thanks in advance.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Andrew,

    I sent you an email but I wanted to post my situation here as well. Need advice on something related to your post above.
    I was in a Friends with Benefits arrangement with a co-worker for about 6 months.

    The "relationship" ended a month ago when we had an argument. He ended it by putting the phone down abruptly during that argument and refused to take my calls/messages thereafter.

    I called him a day after since I thought he was just mad and just needed to calm down. But he refused to take my call so I took it as a signal that is was over. I never contacted him since.

    A month has passed and I made no contact at all. Yesterday, he initiated contact by sending me an email. He said he wanted to say thanks for help that I extended to him last Feb (when we were still FWB) I replied by saying "you're welcome"

    Did i do the right thing? Is he trying to be friends again? what are his intentions?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi, as a I bi guy, I started a friendship with younger guy whom I don't know his sexuality but because of his age, I think he sees himself as straight! I started a period of no contact with him as I felt we were getting too close, yet the relationship was not progressing and he was being a bit inconsistent, perhaps even just using using me for favours etc! Anyways after nc for a bout 3 weeks (after 2 he gave up trying to contact me) I reastablish contact with a hey how are you message! I have played it very cool with him and have made it look like I am very busy and kept conversations short with him! However the reaction from him has been - after telling me he would contact me again later on he didnt and have found out through his friends that he did a few things that could be construed as trying to avoid contact with me last night! What should I do now? Keep letting him come to me as was case before n/c or a different approach? I don't want to appear needy!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I broke off with my ex 4 years ago (he asked for it, he flirted with my best friend in front of my other friends, he humiliated me, and then, i found that he was actually a married man). After our broke off, he has been messaging me online (at first, he messaged me in every 3 months, now, he messaged me in every 5 months). He even asked his friends to contact me and they told me that he always asked about me. However, i have never replied any of his and his friends' messages for about 3 years for now. Does that mean he did really love me and still love me? Or does it mean, he is feelings guilty about what he has done to me,so he could not let go of me? Should i continue to ignore him to show that i have moved on and i do not want to have anything to do with him anymore?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would guess that he is pissed/has a damaged ego that you broke it off with him and wants to rectify that.

      Delete
    2. Life is short, if you still have feelings for him you should contact him and ask him in a non threatening way.

      Delete
    3. unfortunately i do not have any feelings for him. it's just that whenever he contacted me, he will remind me of how disgusting our memories were. and i really want to forget all those embarrassing memories. plus, it's worrying me that the people in my life now will get to know about him and my past if he keeps on contacting me. however, i do agree with DT, that he contacted me for his ego and not love. so, how to stop this egoistic man as i do not want to have any link with him anymore? 3 years ago, i've tried to talk to him about this (do not want to have anything with him), both in bad and good ways. then, i've decided to ignore him as he refused to break up. after some times, he accepted my decision, but after that, he adamantly requested to be my friend and tried to be friendly although he getting no reply from me (until now).

      Delete
  25. Why is it the only way I feel like my ex misses me is if I ignore her. I hate that I have to play that game to get her attention. Everything else I do to try to get us back together doesnt work. Only problem is when I try to ignore her for a long period of time i cave in. This time I have my mind set because I need to move on with my life and need to know if she wants to be that future wife of mine. Reason its difficult is because I work with her and usually feel bad for her. Well if she felt bad for me she would give me another chance. If not this is my final ignore with her because I plan to do it for life. Only thing that will help her is to realize how important our relationship is. If not its time for me to move on. If you love something let it go aka ignore. if it comes back it was meant to be. Please respond with any advice thank you. Broken hearted faithful loving man

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. First, who broke up with who and why?

      Delete
    2. Dude, just move on. She has.

      Delete
  26. My boyfriend and I got in an argument 1 month ago and last week he texted "miss you so bad" At 3am I never replied. Could you please tell me what I should do. I really miss him but am confused. Thank you for any advise (guys your welcome to comment) am sure you would have a great response as to wait for another text from him or what I should do.

    CONFUSED

    ReplyDelete
  27. I broke up With my boyfriend twice. I questioned my love for him. For it was always in a turmoil. The first time I broke up I missed him like crazy. All his good points came to the fore front of my mind. And I couldn't help but text him. I miss u like crazy. We reconnected. But it didn't take too long till all his negative traits came booming to the surface. Now it's been afew months. And I think I can love him for who he is despite his problems. The only thing that is stopping me is lack of trust. Although we have so much in common my gut feeling tells me I dn't trust this guy. I'm so confused and he's probably moved on, although he's kept some expensive presents I've given him. What's this meant to mean??? Is it normal to keep an ex's presents that they gave u???

    ReplyDelete
  28. So my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago... we dated for 6 years and in those 6 years we broke up 4 times... this is the longest we have broken up.... long story short he wanted to remain friends and i couldnt because i still wanted the relationship and he never, i begged him and he was not interested... So his birthday came and went and i didnt wish him. But all i want to do now is contact him and tell him i miss him and want him back.... What should i be doing? HELP:

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do NOT contact him. He will think you're a sap. Be patient and hold on to your self esteem. He will cave in in a month or 2.

      Delete
  29. My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. Immediately after breaking up with me, he texts me and asks to be friends. I regret accepting the friendship but I just didn't want to be overly dramatic about the entire thing. I contacted him once just to thank him for everything he's done for me and he hasn't heard from me at all for 5 weeks or so. Then all of a sudden, he sends me a picture of what he was cooking. I say hi back, a short convo happens and then nothing. Weeks after that, he sends me a text to check how I'm doing. I simply say, I'm good. Hope all is well with you too. I didn't ask him how he was but he replies saying everything is peachy at his end.
    But yes, it does feel good when weeks after no contact , he pops up all of a sudden.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Andrew,

    I just started reading your blog. I was with my boyfriend for 8 months. (my first boyfriend, but i am in my early 20s) at first he was really into me and then at 8 months he broke up with me. (doesnt feel the same, doesn't think he can handle a relationship right now blah blah) also may i point out he is a year younger then me. I reacted, from what now i know was all the wrong ways. I begged, sent hate messaged then cried again while leaving him voicemail messages every....single day... for like 3 months ( i know. Never again.) Within those three months he asked me to be with him again.. and that lasted for about 2 weeks until he left AGAIN. So my methods of insanity continued, (i was also 4 hours away from home at school, after this happend the next semester i transferred to a school only 40 min from home, (he lives at home and does not go away to school)begged and cried and texted him day in and day out like a mad women! When i returned home from school things began to calm down and eventually we got back together but this time he didn't want a label because he wasn't "sure" (basically i gave him all the power) so basically things got confusing on my side !! This was going well for 4 months until eventually i got tired of putting so much love and care into the relationship and into him and him not showing the same amount back, so he eventually got tired of me "complaining" and left..ONCE AGAIN!!! This time after at first begging him for about a week and then blaming everything on me,i decided to put my foot and down and be strong and break off communication for a while. 2 weeks went by i got weak and texted him, that didn't end well and then another couple of weeks went by and i texted and so on. Now I am at the point where i think it is time to stop this method of insanity that is not doing me any justice. I haven't really had a actual convo with him in about a month but i have sent him snap chats here and there, but that needs to come to an end, i need to be strong. Is it too late for me to resolve the level of pathectiness that i have let off?? I work with him by the way but have been at a different location but will be returning to our mutual location in about 3 weeks. So yes basically i am asking is it too late to make myslef not look pathetic and also is it too late to take away the thought that he probably has in his head that he is "such a great guy"? Also, why do relationship have to be a game??.... i seriously think it is so immature.

    Kittykat

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hi Andrew,

    Great posts you have going on! I really enjoy reading them from a guy's perspective!

    I had been with my boyfriend for 9 months now until he broke up with me a couple of days ago. Before we were a couple, we were friends for 2 years. So, after a dramatic break up where I begged and cried and also ended up telling him to leave me alone while I walked off, needless to say that I am totally heartbroken. However, when we broke up, he had said that it was better we broke it off now when we both still love each other so that we have a chance of working at our relationship again, than to carry on with our current, intense relationship where we fought a lot and just ending up hating each other and never being in each other's life again! I got angry, because I don't agree with the "if you love someone, you should let them go" - no, I think, if you love someone, you should damn well work at being with them!
    So anyway, we are still very much in love with and care about each other. It has been less than a week and he has sent me 3 texts asking if I was OK and called (didn't pick up) & to give him a peace of mind, I only replied "I am OK".

    Whilst I am starting to see that we DO need a break, I am confused of whether I should be contacting him in the near future and work at being friends again so we have another chance at our love.

    What do you think? Thanks in advance x

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hi Andrew,

    Thanks so much for taking your personal time to write this blog. It’s great to see this niche being filled. I’m surprised at how little resources like this are available to women who would like to know the reality of the entire situation.

    Your honesty, up front approach and candor is refreshing. It’s nice to be able to have someone take off the rose colored glasses and tell it how it is. Your blog is like the dating advice literary equivalent of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

    I have just come out of an 8 year long relationship. I am 32. I have a 9 year old daughter who was not my (8 year long relationship) partner’s. I was only with her Dad for the first year of her life. My long term partner and I broke up in Feb, a mere 3 months ago.

    Recently, he has contacted me asking to see my daughter. He wants to start seeing her from time to time, taking her to the park, having her for sleepovers. I agreed to this. He was in her life for 8 years and formed an attachment to her. I haven't seen him in 3 months but he is set to take her this weekend. My (2 part) question is this:

    When he comes over to pick her up/drop her off, should I just let my daughter go out to him and stay inside myself (not see or talk to him)? Or should I go out and see him/talk to him?

    Also, should I be reading more into this? Is he trying to keep me in his life in some capacity? Form a link with me through my daughter? An excuse to have a tie to me/to see me? Or is he really just simply trying to maintain a relationship with my daughter?

    I know you aren’t aware of all the nuances of our relationship and this is hardly enough info to have a conclusive opinion but nonetheless, any thoughts?

    I’m not sure if this bears any relevance to this particular issue, but I am above average looking, waist length hair, slim, fit and healthy.

    Thanks for any input you can provide!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hi, i really enjoyed reading your blog, quite insightful! thank you!

    i have a question on the subject. I have dated this great guy for 2 months, everything was going fantastic - he chased me, introduced me to friends and family, asked me to be his exclusive gf. Then i happen to go away for 2 weeks to visit my family (they live in a different country). We kept in touch all the way. When i came back something has changed and pretty much without a lot of explanation he broke up with me (saying "he rushed things"... not sure what that meant and suggested an "open dialog" between us which i declined). I felt hurt, but i am a really proud person so i stopped talking to him. After 1 month of no contact he started texting me again, asking how i am. I responded cold/short. Then he invited me to have a lunch. I was hesitant at first but then was curious about what he had to say so i went. Lunch seemed casual - i.e. catching up, talking about work, vacations, etc. after lunch i got a "thank you for today" text and a non-committal text to have a lunch again sometime. I did not respond. So now he keeps texting me once per few weeks - what the hell is it? if he is not interested why keep doing this? i have asked him casually why is he keeping in contact with me and he responded "he really enjoys spending time with me"... i am sooo confused... is this casual? are we friends? is he trying slowly to make amends? i do not want to be friends with him and never agreed to it... i would appreciate any advice :) how do i handle this?..

    ReplyDelete
  34. It isn't always innocent. I had an ex contact me months later. He promised to meet me yet never did. I only wanted to stand this text dumper up. Then he sent me cruel verbally abusive texts. And dumpers call dumpees psycho! If this jerk ever contacts me again to brag about his life- and he's the dumper. I'm going to threaten legal action for harassment. What I should've done the first time.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I Also never cheated or did anything wrong. The texts started off all polite. Why do men hilariously text months/ years later? I never do.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Tbh I agree with a lot of people who say that no reply means indifference a lot of the time. In my personal case it did. Four years after my ex dumped me (and was quite emotionally vindictive to me afterwards) he sent me a message at 1 in the morning asking what's been happening, it's been a long time since we spoke and if I would like to catch up for coffee. I ignored him. Why? Because I felt nothing, I had no interest in meeting up with him or even having him as a friend in my life. I'm not interested in the true intent of his trying to re-establish contact. There was absolutely no response I could come up with that could convey these thoughts well enough. That's why I didn't reply. Now if HE thinks that after FOUR YEARS of not talking that my ignoring his response means I'm still heartbroken, then that's absolutely risible and probably says more about how HE feels about me rather than the other way around. Then again he is a narcissist, so he probably thinks I'm still in love with him. Ah well. He can think anything he wants. I simply don't care.

    ReplyDelete
  37. What does it mean when a guy ignores you completely - like pretends he does not see you, does not answer to ur hellos...behaves like you do not exist for many months. and then writes you a stupid email about what does the picture in your profile mean. I am neighbors with this guy, and am working with him, we broke it off and since then no hello no nothing. i see him all the time, but i do not exist for him. it was suuuper painful and humiliating. he also flirts with every single woman. at me he does not even look at. then suddenly this email...

    Andrew you are a guy, what does this mean?

    ReplyDelete
  38. I suppose I am in the minority of females that dumped a male. Allbeit I let the relationship go to a horribly self esteem damaging place as my ex consistently moved the goal posts of the relationship from exclusive to on the lookout for other options to barely in the relationship at all to dumped by me. I heard he picked up a girlfriend relatively quickly, I took the time to work on me and get my life straight. Imagine my surprise after being very clear about not wanting anything to do with - I believe the phrase the day after I dumped him was "I don't want to hear from you, ever. If by some chance I want to hear from you, I will contact you - do not contact me." There was some other vague wish of him dying in a fiery crash - he contacts me after 7 months to tell me I "popped into his head, he's hoping I am happy and doing well - and I really mean that too". I did what Andrew suggested, I wished him well, leaving my comments noncommittal. He went on about something at work (we used to work together) and I basically sent him a smiley face. He didn't have anywhere to go from there "Yeah..." I think was his enlightened response. I haven't heard from his since and from reading the majority of the feedback here I am assuming that he was bored, lonely, dumped, looking to feel like I am an option... etc. I think that previously Andrew stated that he should have demonstrated something more engaging per our relationship if his intention was to get back together. I think that if you are the other end of dumping (dumpee) it's probably clearer that you're being set up to be used. And perhaps in my situation he was attempting the same thing since I let him downgrade our relationship previously. My question centers around - did I respond the right way so that he got the point that I am not into being the fallback girl? Or did I simply encourage this delusion that he can be a part of his life by responding at all? The last thing I want is more disruption from him and his pathetic "check in" contact.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't see how your response would give him the idea that you can be a part of his life or that you'll be the fallback girl. You seemed like you were just being polite without showing that you really weren't all that interested in talking to him.

      Delete
  39. What if you were the dumpee (I'm a woman) and you did no contact for a month but then decided to platonically talk? I did that and eventually I kept talking more about the past and my feelings that still linger for him. Then he stopped responding to any and all of my messages on grounds that I'm "annoying" (a mutual friend told me this reason). It's been 3 months since he's spoken to me and I gave up on trying to text/Facebook message him a week after he quit responding (he even ignored my happy birthday messages). Basically I'm asking, does this prove his indifference? I assumed he feels very indifferent towards me since he stopped responding to me regularly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you already know the answer yourself.

      Delete
    2. Here is one. My sweetheart decided we were no longer a fit. We are both 59 and "were" deeply in love. 3 days ago she said that was it (maybe)but we were done.But in the same breath offers to attend family functions so I would n`t feel bad with her not with me.
      Lat night she texts: "You don`t have you don`t have to reply. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and how much I have hurt you. I am so sincerely sorry"
      I am not responding because i have no words

      Delete
  40. Here is one. My sweetheart decided we were no longer a fit. We are both 59 and "were" deeply in love. 3 days ago she said that was it (maybe)but we were done.But in the same breath offers to attend family functions so I would n`t feel bad with her not with me.
    Lat night she texts: "You don`t have you don`t have to reply. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and how much I have hurt you. I am so sincerely sorry"
    I am not responding because i have no words

    Delete

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hi. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. About three/four months ago. At first we didn't see each other at all. He wanted nothing to do with me. But lately we've been hanging out. Pretty much. He says he don't want a relationship. But that's where I'm gettig confused. Its not just sex.  I stay the night..he cuddles me..kisses me thru out the night. He always has me around..to go swim..help him with certain things..go out..we've went to dinner. But yet he always makes sure to tell me he don't want to lead me on..that he don't want a relationship. When I never bring that up. I don't ask him to commit to me again. We were together two yrs. This has happened once before. And he acted the same way. Am I safe in saying he's confused?

    Thanks,
    Jess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do actions speak louder than words?

      Delete
    2. He is not confused. He just doesn't have any other options so he is hanging out with you to fill the void. You know this too. Show yourself some respect and stop talking to a person who is using you and doesn't find you worthy of his commitment.

      Delete
    3. The situation you describe sounds somewhat similar to the one I'm in at the moment, only I'm the one who keeps saying I don't want a relationship.

      We cuddle, we have great sex, we go shopping, we watch movies together, we go drinking together, we have hangovers together, we send funny messages on SMS and Facebook and we support each other when the other person's having a shit day. Some people would say that the only difference between this and a relationship is what we're calling it. I call it "friends with benefits" and make it clear I don't want to be in the way of a serious relationship with someone else. I'm told there's opening for "something more" and have declined it.

      I mean every word. I'm lonely, I value the friendship and I like the sex. I don't want to call this a relationship because I don't believe there's a future for us as a couple. I might want kids and marriage at one point, but not with this friend. Me calling this "friends with benefits" is me trying to be honest about this, and not a manipulative user. I won't cut it off if I'm encouraged to continue, even after I've restated how I think about this situation.

      I think my message is pretty clear. It doesn't need to be as mean as the comment above me states, but I agree that you're not safe if you want a true relationship. Not at all.

      Delete
  42. Andrew- I broke up with my ex over five months ago although I did love him very much and still do. We are both 46 he has never been married and no children, as for me I'm thirteen years divorced with teenagers. I choose to break it off because I felt overwhelmed, he had lots of financial issues, still lived at home with his mom, couldn't stand his job, complained about his job, and the lack of pay that he was making. We only fought when it came to money, or when I tried encouraging him to look for other work. It hurt to break it off it really did but I felt that all the talks we shared in the beginning were just a bunch of lies. He had a seven year relationship with his last GF but apparently ended by her because he lack of motivation, job changes and possibility scared of commitment. Now my Q. is I know that I broke it off with him but it doesn't mean that I hate him or don't want to talk with him but he is ignoring me? From the start I was real upfront and told him that I didn't want a boyfriend and that I was looking for a Husband. We very rarely were intimate and not by my choice, in fact I had to practically beg for it. I'm very independent take care of myself and strive to improve my life with every change that I get. He claimed that he never kept in touch with ex's in the past so being friends was strange. Do I just except that he doesn't want anything to do with me. We actually ran into each other driving to work the other day as I pulled behind him twice at the stop sign he acted like he didn't even notice it was me......Im truly sad by his actions.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hi Andrew, Hi ALL the guys,

    I am going through hell of pain.I will highly appreciate your quick advise.I was in a casual relationship wid a Men from 5 years..In Fact,It was serious relation at times too. Hee use to express marrying me indirectly at times so there were hopes and I was in love with him so I continued relation as we were friends too...However,He use to always delay all action.One day,I found out he was hiding one relation from me..He got engaged with his friend who was seen at times with him and never even informed me.I was shocked as he intended to still be wid me..He met me even after he got engaged..He kissed me and said, he still likes me a lot..As soon as I found out,I immediatedly blocked him from my life..I Cut Him from all newtrorking sites,etc..I went NO Contact and NEVER contacted him at all even after being attached as I was hurt...I felt sick and went through hell..Finally,He comes back AFTER 8 Months to wish me on MY Birthday.He contacted me twice wishing me bday BUT I DID NOT respond..He called mee and messaged,emailed both..
    Next,He smartly sent me some FORWARD Message on email and phone both twice exactly after 1 Month again BUT I did NOT respond as I am still HURT..I do Love him but I want to use my head this time..AFTER 1 Month,He has contacted me Yet again 4th time by small email asking How are you?..I still did NOT reply as He was a friend and I was very loyal to him so I deserve s sorry at least..Morever,I found he lied to me a lot in all 4 years as he was seeing HIS Friend who I doubted many times but he kept denying making me feel guilty..Plus,I feel,He may be missing me NOW and may have perhaps even realised his mistake.Dunno as I am Very confused...However,I have been attached to him..At same time,I don't want to be treated badly so I dint feel lik responding to him dis easily..He is still not saying sorry..

    Can you please advise me IF I should reply to him OR shd I wait Longer?? Will he contact again and what should be the right way?? I will appreciate your Insights on Men's mindset and what goes on in their mind when they do this and when ex does not reply to them?

    I will call myself @ Annonymous Unpredictable life..

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hi Andrew, Hi Everyone,

    Please reply with your kind feedback?

    ReplyDelete
  45. Andrew- I broke up with my ex over five months ago although I did love him very much and still do. We are both 46 he has never been married and no children, as for me I'm thirteen years divorced with teenagers. I choose to break it off because I felt overwhelmed, he had lots of financial issues, still lived at home with his mom, couldn't stand his job, complained about his job, and the lack of pay that he was making. We only fought when it came to money, or when I tried encouraging him to look for other work. It hurt to break it off it really did but I felt that all the talks we shared in the beginning were just a bunch of lies. He had a seven year relationship with his last GF but apparently ended by her because he lack of motivation, job changes and possibility scared of commitment. Now my Q. is I know that I broke it off with him but it doesn't mean that I hate him or don't want to talk with him but he is ignoring me? From the start I was real upfront and told him that I didn't want a boyfriend and that I was looking for a Husband. We very rarely were intimate and not by my choice, in fact I had to practically beg for it. I'm very independent take care of myself and strive to improve my life with every change that I get. He claimed that he never kept in touch with ex's in the past so being friends was strange. Do I just except that he doesn't want anything to do with me. We actually ran into each other driving to work the other day as I pulled behind him twice at the stop sign he acted like he didn't even notice it was me......Im truly sad by his actions.

    ReplyDelete
  46. At this point in my life...I am living alone,I have to be because of where I live...but I realize I still have feelings for my ex girlfriend(of 4 years) who is 52 this year,and lives in same town as me,but for almost 6 months now,I havent tried to contact her,I just wait till we...bump into each other...then see what the response will be...I have the pic of when we first met,up on my book case...we met 4 and a bit years ago...then she changed,and I was called ..abusive/arrogant/amongst other names...I am in a bit of a tuss,but just carry on,and... just in case you nosey readers might want to know,no ,I havent dated any other women,dont want to...

    ReplyDelete
  47. Dear Andrew,

    After staying silent with my ex for about 3 months now he decides to send me a text saying "Just want to say I'm sorry for using you." I have no idea how to read into that. The night before I decided to block him on FB and make a promise to myself saying it's not worth my time caring about him anymore if he always doubts me and takes for granted how loyal I was to him. He's always going back and forth between me and another girl who is now my friend. People say for me to be cautious of her but in no point of time did we ever get mad at each other, we just got mad at him. I don't know what to do. He graduated, so he's leaving after this summer after that I'll never be able to see him again.

    People don't see what I see in him. They keep on telling me I'm a good-looking girl why am I wasting time on this guy who's just scum? I don't know maybe it's because I thought if he realized that if I showed that I still haven't given up on him he would finally get it and come around. He's been there for me when I needed him most, and despite all of his paranoia that me becoming closer with his other ex (which he planned for but backfired) was me trying to be out to get him it was the opposite. I haven't responded to him. Should I continue not to?

    I don't think he'll ever not take me for granted or stop being hung up on this other girl either. I think he always comes to me whenever he feels she's not treating him right because he knows I'll always be there for him. Now don't mistake this as me loving him, I protected myself from doing so when I started the relationship. I put that wall up because I knew he was graduating so it would be silly of me to do so. I just care about him a lot and of course feelings come along with that. That's where his ego comes in because he likes to feel that I liked him first and that he broke up with me which was the opposite.

    The other girl said that he was just using me for revenge. But he promises that his feelings for me were real. We all at one point were trying to figure out who was lying to who? I remained honest and open the entire time. The other girl apologized for lying to me about some things and I forgave her which surprised her. My friends were like those 2 ugly people were made for each other. I however still see the good in both of them.

    I don't know should just give up on this guy? Will he never learn his lesson? That I'm not out to get him? That I was always there for him and this is how he treats me? I feel like this doesn't cover everything even close but that this is enough information to be given input on. Please help a part of me wants to go see him but I don't trust myself to not want to fall back in the same habits with him. The other part of me is happy that I didn't give in to him in more ways than one. Will I be lowering my self-worth if I choose to give him another chance? I don't think I can be just friends with him and not have some sort of feelings for him. And I'm a natural flirt which would probably not help.

    Any advice is appreciated. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You seem lovely, but what the? Please don't take it the wrong way, but this dude admitted via text that he used you and you still want to be with him? He used you. Go as far away as possible from someone like that. Don't let him take away your dignity.

      If he really wants a clean shot, he will have heaps of winning you over to do - I doubt he will return though.

      Please, for your own dignity, as hard as it is let it go.

      Delete
  48. I had the exact same situation like Brooke as my ex texted me saying he was thinking about me and I was polite but not super friendly when I responded to him. The truth is I miss him terribly and I wish he had never dumped me, but he did. In my heart I want us to get back together but I know I need more self respect than I would show by getting back in so quickly. I know that if we started dating right away again he would treat me bad and take me for granted like he always did. So even though it is killing me not to talk to him, I never contact him. I figure if he wants to talk to me, then he can get in touch with me. This article was exactly what I needed to read to reaffirm my decision. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Hi Everyone,

    I came across Andrew's blog yesterday for the first time. Here's my dilemma: My ex and I dated for about 7 months. He broke up with me in May 2012 but we continued to see each other as "friends" and spent the whole summer together, traveling and also last fall. Eventually, things fell apart at the end of January and by spring, we stopped talking to each other. I was always the one to send texts "how are you? What are you up to? etc." Well, that stopped. I got on with my life and sent my last text to him in June and said that was it. I went out and lived my life. Had a few bad dates - sigh- but did stuff on my own, including vacationing, and have grown stronger. Out of the blue, he texted me last Tuesday - said he hoped I had a good Labor Day and wondered how I was doing. I never responded. I was thinking of responding this week, with pictures of my beach vacation ( granted, I went by myself but wouldn't tell him that) but I got another text yesterday. He again said he was wondering how I was doing and hoped everything was good. I am 41 and he is 49. I read somewhere, maybe here as well, that texting is a cop-out and I totally agree. It is an easy way out. A few questions: The big one and probably impossible to know but why do you think he is contacting me? I have read so many words of advice that say not to text back and wait for him to call, because, a call is saying that a person truly cares about another. Plus, making him wait will make him wonder. I don't even know how I really feel now. I tried to put him in the past but I still have feelings for him and we had such a good time together. We made each other laugh and I enjoyed his company. But, there were issues, things he did that I later apologized for and shouldn't have done that. So, do I text him back and tell him to call me? Wait? I am curious as to why all of a sudden he is texting me. Thanks for your help! Or if you need any more information, let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Andrew,

    I am glad to run into this post. I have recently went through a breakup dating this guy for 4 months. I was the one ending it because I found out that he was lying to me about seeing another girl. I was glad that he took his online dating profile offline when I asked him to, but I also find it shady of him to tell me that he's not seeing anyone to me and then does it behind me back. He basically took his conversation with the other girl offline. I told him to take some time and think about his actions because it's pathetic. It not only tells me that he's not that into me, but he's also respecting me and that he's a lying scumbag. Also his apology via text is shit and take some real actions if he want to show his sincerity. Though I broke it off, I know that I left it open ended so he can decide..... I hope it's not a stupid choice

    It has been a few days and I have not heard from him, and in my mind, I think it ended...the silence and the unknown is killing me. I am trying very had restrain myself from contacting him. I am very hurt considering I was the one who breaks it off....since I felt like I was being played.

    ReplyDelete
  51. I just broke up with my boyfriend. I told him talking is not fair to either one of us. He responded back with he is sorry he lost me,and I will always have a place in his heart. Do I stay silent or answer back?

    ReplyDelete
  52. I broke up with my bf apprx a month ago. whilst the break-up was bad ( alot of emotional arguments etc) I had thought we had diffused the situation by both saying that we hoped after some time apart and no contact that we could be friends. This was really important to me.
    Since then, i have ensured we have had no contact whatsoever. no text, no e-mail, no phone calls. no mutal friends, no facebook (i'm not on it). i have kept myself busy with new and exciting projects and felt that, still hurt, things were improving and in time i could maybe see about making contact. maybe a few more months, as we had agreed.
    Suffice to say, this didn't work out. Last week, he messaged me asking how I was, what i had been up to and what he had been up to. Then almost immediately after that text, he told me he had met someone a week after we split who blew him away. Apparently she is so amazing, and he has never felt this way about someone. He also told me, that she is like me, but is the same nationality as him, which makes them better suited. He then said he didn't really know why he felt the need to tell me, but that now i had to deal with it.
    Why? why send this message? i had not been in contact with him at all.
    I fully expected him to move on, and that maybe in time (should we reconnect on a friends basis, that he could tell me, maybe a bit more tactfully) but not like this? what could i have done to deserve this? and what was the need for him to send this message, when he knew it would do nothing but push me away.
    I have not replied. i really do not know what he expects me to do. any ideas?

    ReplyDelete
  53. No matter how you look at this if you use LOGIC & RESPECT instead of EMOTION & DISRESPECT that speaks volumes about you as a person. I have and will treat all of my ex's with respect because I never date anyone I don't admire. Even if my husband would leave me today - I am a better woman for have loving him. For me it's that simple and never about playing head games. I'm too smart and classy for that and so are the men that have loved me. #respect

    ReplyDelete
  54. I recently ended an eleven month long distance (4 hours drive) relationship. It was one of those where I ended it basically because I was pulling the trigger calling him on his remoteness. At one point I left the ball in his court but it was clear he used my addressing his apathy as an opportunity to back off, because we both acknowledged long distance was very difficult. Yet, I felt we were both still in love. He tried to call, text a couple of times after our serious discussion and I let him know I couldn't just be friends, and it was time to fish or cut bait basically. Still it was in his court. He could have made the grand gesture and resurrected it then, but did not. So my question is, doesn't the cutting him off concept lack some power since in long distance you already, are not together all the time, you are forced to be used to being apart some times for 2 to 3 weeks at a stretch. So, once you say goodbye, even though you have had great times isn't it easier for him to just move on and not contact you. Also, how hard is it for the guy, if the woman actually broke it off (even though he had a choice to save it) to get over his bruised ego and make the move to contact her again?

    ReplyDelete
  55. He broke up with me the first time, I asked him to be sure about it and left him alone. The next day he called me to tell me he wants to work things out so I agreed. Things were fine and then suddenly he broke up with me the second time and he says it is for real (both by skype), this time I just agreed with him and ignored his subsequent "goodwill parting lines". The next day, he asked if I wanted to, we could meet up and talk. I personally do not see the point off facing a face to face second rejection this time if he is feeling guilty and wants to talk further about why he wants to end the relationship, unless he wants to talk things out for it to work again, then it doesn't make sense. I want to know what is he thinking?

    ReplyDelete
  56. So this guy just broke up with me just two days ago and kept advocating on the fact that it is over for good and it's "goodbye forever" as he puts it. I asked him are we still going to talk, in which he replied with "maybe after a few month passes by". I sent him a closure message, something along the lines of we had a lot of great memories, wishing you the best for the future, and etc. and stopped contacting him...then today he messaged me that he will miss cuddling with me and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with him at this place we used to go to when he gets back from his trip ....-___-.....I am so confused. Please shed some light on this situation for me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't do it! He maybe has good intentions, but from my own experience it's usually just because he wants to sleep with you. My ex fiance did that at first and even though I'd go over and put up boundaries (I never slept with him after we broke up the first time and only time), he always pushed for sex while he promised to get back together and plan the wedding we were supposed to have, haha. If you do go over there or go out to dinner with him, be sure you know what you would do if he pressed you to sleep together. If you want to see if there is something more, don't sleep with him for a while (few dates or longer). That way you know for sure (or at least have a better idea) what his intentions are. However, it just seems like he wants a warm body. Sorry, just from several past exes it's usually the only reason they've ever come back or texted or called, etc.

      Delete
  57. Hi Andrew,
    What if an ex-boyfriend, who I cut off 6 years ago (after he dumped me for another girl), has been looking at one of my online professional profiles recently? He is very computer savvy and would know I could see that he had looked at it. I found that a bit odd because I wouldn't want an ex to know I had looked him up online. He hasn't contacted me directly though. Does this mean he is thinking about getting back in touch or just looking out of curiosity? I haven't looked at his profile. I don't know if I should do anything or not (post attractive new photo of me on that profile, look at his profile in return, say hi, etc).

    I know this is a small and probably insignificant thing but this is a guy I once really loved and have never really forgotten. What he did really hurt me at the time though. I guess being single again and seeing that he looked me up online made me think more about him and wonder how I should handle it if he does make contact again. Thanks for any thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  58. My ex broke up with me and we were in the same classes . After it ended I havent contacted him for like 6 days and he saw me in the same theatre in which he was with his group .he texted me the next day to be friends but not tell anybody that we are talking . What the hell is really happening ? And what am I supposed to do?

    ReplyDelete
  59. If a guy who's been out of your life for 5 months contacts you on Valentines Day, should you reply? Or just completely ignore him?

    ReplyDelete
  60. "Men make mistakes. It is up to you to help them realize it by showing what life is like without you." And women are perfect? Really? Like this woman who considered meeting him to show-off how much better she is than him? that's absolutely awful. no wonder breaking up sucks, people treat it like a game, looking for a chance to get revenge or spite the other person you once loved. Yeah, show that man with a wounded heart how much better your life is and make his life seem shittier because you're not in it. We are not perfect and we fuck up, even the women. Both people in a break-up go through hell, so if an ex reaches out because they still care about you, is it so wrong to be gentle?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No one said (or even implied) that women are prefect. I just said men sometimes make mistakes in breaking up with a girl.

      Delete
  61. My ex and I got into a fight a month ago over the phone, and we haven't spoken since. I haven't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me, up until this weekend, after an entire month had passed. It was a text that just said "Are you still mad? haha"

    What am I supposed to do with that??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He might be a lonely, confused, vulnerable man ignoring his reasons for breaking things off (lack of better judgment??). Men who actually date you and then break things off do it for a reason. For what reasons did you break up? Were either of you emotionally unstable or did crazy things? Did either of you do crazy things to get the other’s attention? Something must have happened for him to end things and say nothing for a month. Doubtful his interest is sincere after having no contact. Worst of all his message was text. What could have changed? Do you two have a history of that kind of hot and cold, up and down behaviors?

      Delete
    2. @Emily, I broke things off because the relationship wasn't healthy. He had a history of disrespectful and manipulative behaviors and I just got tired of it all. I was trying to tell him something important (unrelated to our relationship) and he kept yelling over me. I asked him several times to please listen, but since he wouldn't, I told him I would have to hang up, and eventually I did. He texted me something like "my bad" after I hung up the phone but I didn't respond. Then a month passed before the next thing. I haven't responded to his most recent text. I'm trying to move on and gain perspective. I thought of texting him and saying something like "I was never mad, but I need to move on." But I'm afraid it will hurt me to respond in the long run because I am not over him yet.

      Delete
    3. Unknown - You might also benefit from getting your head examined because there's something wrong with you. Knowing a guy has a history of manipulative and disrespectful behavior AND that the relationship is unhealthy and yet you're still trying to get back with him (yes, that's what you're doing regardless of what you say here)? What exactly are you trying to accomplish (other than trying to manipulate and scheme to get him back)?

      Delete
  62. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Hi there,

    I was dumped unexpectedly and horribly by my ex. Heart broken, I vowed No Contact and was strong even though he tried to contact me via text and FB message with fairly unemotional questions and comments. Only one time brought up the past but it was trivial. I never replied to any of his texts or messages.

    One night about a month after the break up, I made a stupid mistake and matched with him on a dating site (which he had been on since the day we broke up). He noticed and said he didn't know what to make of it and I responded quickly with 'It was a mistake' and blocked him. It was a stupid thing to do I know... About 5 minutes after blocking him he texted me with an 'I'm sorry and I'll stay out of your life' message.

    Did he send this because I had finally stroked his ego by engaging in contact (albeit trivial and not direct)?
    OR
    Did he send this because my initial month of No Contact showed him that I had moved on?

    He is a narcissistic personality so I think the first option is probably true... I just need a way to think about it so that I can move on.

    Any advice will help.

    Thanks!

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    1. Anonymous - you sound like a stalker. Get your head examined. First you go on and on about this guy being narcissistic, THEN you turn around and go on about how you matched with him on an online dating site? Come on girl, no one is that stupid to think that was fate. You really need to get your head examined. That guy dodged a bullet and should be thanking god for it.

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  64. Hi Andrew,

    I just read your post and I am currently engaged in a similar predicament that most of your posters have been addressing and sharing. This past september, I started talking to a guy who I knew for 3 years (on and off interaction, nothing heavy). I will admit we started off on the wrong foot and as I reflect on our relationship now as it is over, I missed a couple of signs (intentionally because I wanted to believe he was different). For instance, he would go on and on about being an asshole because previous girlfriends or women he dealt with would say so and I wanted to believe that he was holding on to this because he was not secure within himself (which is not far from the apple tree) but as I have witnessed now is being an asshole strokes and coats his ego. Anyway, I will give a brief timeline of our relationship. As I said we started talking in september and we became sexual rather quickly however we both agreed that we would build our foundation on trust, friendship and mutual respect. Things were good for quite awhile...I would go visit him in his state and he came to visit me a couple of times where I live. We would talk on the phone and text everyday throughout the course of the day. Initially, we agreed that we would both be friends with benefits (which I now regret) and we would "see where things go". Neither one of us was ready for a relationship. I had just lost my father unexpectedly few months prior and he well I now believe was in the middle of figuring out if he wanted to get serious with me or this other woman (claimed to be a childhood/adolescent friend). Anyway, in my world I guess things were fine up until February when he lost his job and thus spawned this "young man midlife crisis" (We are both in our late 20s). From then on, he became very distant--calls and texts less and sporadic. This carried on from February till late April. This was the last time I physically saw him. In May, he finally secured a job and internship in the city I live in and thus moved to what I thought was to be closer to me. Boy was I wrong. In the last two months, he has been more distant than ever. No phone calls, no texts no arrangement to see each other. So I left it alone...knowing deep down nothing good would come from this and sure enough I was right. Yesterday, while at an event, I bumped into a couple of women who voluntarily shared with me that one of them in fact was currently dating my guy and the timeline of their relationship shockingly over elapsed with our timeline. Talk about Titanic slamming into an iceberg and sinking deep into an abyss. I say all of that to say this...if there ever comes a point where he will reach out (I have made up my mind to continue my silence even in light of this revelation). I really have no words. I do agree that ignoring texts is rude which is what he has done during this whole process but Now I am in the ideology that sometimes being polite is pointless and maybe at times passive. Yesterday I was put in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation and instead of informing the young woman and going off on him (because he was at the event) I decided to take the higher road and just leave.....might have been the best thing but it is still eating me up. If he were to come back, I would agree he would be either looking for something (probably sex) or being nosy (pretending to care about the goings on of my personal life) or wanting to "talk". I think I would "talk" but I would be in control of the tone and content of the discussion...because honestly I don't want any parts of him. To me, he is a coward, liar, disrespectful and so on....so if friendship comes up....why? Maybe years and years from now when Im completely removed but even then this situation as well as he will be nothing but a joke to me. What do you think? I am not saying all of this is his fault, i take responsibility for not setting boundaries and being assertive in my needs and what I deserve. But I think I did not deserve to get served like this.

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