Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Never Say No To Sex

In another post I pointed out that a woman only needs to make sure that her husband is not getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and she will receive his sexual attention for life. Although the various means of accomplishing this are not all so simple, the first and best way is to never say no to sex. (Obviously this applies only to women in a relationship, in which they have commitment from a man and trust him. I am not advocating that girls never say no to propositions from random men, or even men they've been dating a little while.)

This isn't news to a lot of women. I know some girls that put out even when it hurts them. In fact, a lot of girls do this, because they understand the point I am about to make. Granted, some do it purely out of subjugation or fear of their man, and this probably isn't healthy. But others do it willingly, and they are smart women.

The practical side of this argument is simple. If a man is aroused enough to want sex, he can probably be finished in 15 minutes, so not having the time is a poor excuse. And with all of the lubricants available, equally poor are excuses about "not being in the mood." But the practical reasons aren't usually the important ones. More than likely, you refuse because you don't want to make the emotional or mental effort necessary to get into a sexual state of mind - and I don't suggest that doing so is easy. If it were, this post wouldn't be necessary. However, neither is it easy for your man to put down his work to listen to you vent about your bitchy coworker, remain emotionally stable in difficult times, lead and support the family, etc. - all of which are the kind of things most women want and even expect from a man. In a good relationship, women and men both make sacrifices to give the other what they want - and men want sex.

To put this in perspective, consider the following. Men are largely independent, and don't seek the same things from a relationship that women do. While men love your radiance, your light-heartedness and your femininity, we don't crave these things anywhere near as deeply as we crave your body. Saying no to your man when he wants sex is analagous to him saying no to you when you look to him for emotional stability, direction, comfort or protection: though it is not the only reason he is attracted to you, it is the primary one. Sex is the one thing he wants most deeply but cannot provide for himself. I don't mean that women exist solely for a man's sexual satisfaction; but I do mean that his sexual satisfaction is critical to his happiness (more so than a woman's is to hers) and that you hold the key to that satisfaction.

A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his woman's emotional ones. Conversely, a woman who neglects her man's sexual needs is like a man who neglects his woman's emotional ones. Think about that for a minute. It means that the equivalent of a woman who slips into lingerie at the end of a long, exhausting day because she can tell her husband is in the mood, is a guy who turns off the TV and listens to you when you need to talk, or drops everything to hold you when you need affection. It means that the woman who Googles "how to give a great blowjob" or tries to learn what her man likes best in bed is like the man who reads a book on understanding the female mind, or makes an effort to understand what you need most when you are in different moods. It means that a woman who refuses sex because she is angry with her husband is like a man who intentionally refrains from stepping in to deal with the asshole car salesman that is trying to rip you off, because he is still annoyed about the argument you had with him earlier that day.

Yes, men also have some emotional needs and appreciate a woman who understands them - just like a woman has sexual needs that want satisfying. But a man's sexual needs are his priority just like a woman's emotional needs are hers. (Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, but I am speaking in general terms.)

So break out the silicone and lingerie and tune up your acting skills. And the next time you struggle to get in the mood, remember how much you appreciate or want his efforts to support you emotionally. Better yet, anticipate his sexual desire and initiate it yourself, just like you want him to anticipate your emotional desires and provide the affection or companionship you want, without having to ask for it.

136 comments:

  1. Great post sir. I too have made many posts regarding this simple act of reciprocity not based on equal trade, but based on the need of the gender. Women/emotional, Man/sexual.

    I've written about women who treat sex as a 'chore', oblivious to the 'chores' men do to keep a relationship together. I've also written at length about the scourge of women who LJBF guys expecting all the emotional and platonic support without giving anything back in return.

    This line struck that cord:"A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his wife's emotional ones. Conversely, a woman who neglects her man's sexual needs is like a man who neglects his wife's emotional ones. Think about that for a minute."

    Again, excellent post. Women today really are growing up deficient in basic understanding of male/female interaction dynamics.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if a husband forcing his wife to have sex is ideal for marital bliss. I am a woman who's been married (now divorced) for more than two decades. I had to "put out" to keep the peace, for the last 10 years of the marriage my sex drive has disappeared completely and the sex was just another chore, only more unpleasant, my ex treating like shit didn't help.

      One night he was having a heart attack, had my children not being there, I would not have called the ambulance and let him drift into oblivion! Here's something for Andrew to think about!

      Now that I am divorced my sex drive has come back!

      I know not every body will agree, but sex is better when both parties enjoy it.

      Delete
    2. ...because that is what the post is about - a man forcing his wife to have sex, and this being the proper state of affairs in a marriage.

      I am sorry your marriage sucked, but it wasn't because you put out when it was difficult.

      Delete
    3. No, my marriage didn't suck just because I put out, there were a lot of other reasons. I take it that you think it's ok for a man to force his wife to have sex and that is the proper state of affairs of marriage, well, you'll be happy to know that in many parts of the world it is legal for a man to rape, verbally abuse,beat and kill his wife, that should make you very happy!

      Delete
    4. If a man EVER forces me to have sex, he will wake up a eunuch. I don't need a man enough to put up with that bullshit.

      Delete
    5. to AnonymousNovember 25, 2012 at 9:26 PM

      Do you seriously not understand what he is saying here? NO it is not ok for a husband to force his wife to have sex. Any guy that's not a total psychopath would not force sex on his wife no matter how bad he wanted it. Instead, he'll just feel extremely unhappy and unloved. And maybe seek solace elsewhere. That leads to a BAD marriage. Similarly, if a husband refuses to attend to his wife's emotional needs, she is not going to *force* him to. She will just be extremely unhappy and unloved. And maybe seek solace elsewhere. That too, leads to a BAD marriage.

      Come on now, woman. Think it through.

      Delete
    6. This is going too far, people. If you think men and women are any different emotionally, you have NEVER been in a truly equal and trusting relationship. Every successful relationship is based off of equality.

      I am a female and every man, buff or tiny, big or small penis, (yes, some ignoramuses think these factors play a role in sexuality) had equal or less of a sex drive than I. Women have sexual needs, too! Not just emotional needs. The reasons why a woman or a man would not want to fuck is because they are unhealthy either physically or emotionally, your relationship is shit, OR they just don't like sex. Yes, I have met men who were asexual. I don't get asexuality, personally, but I accept everyone's freedom to decide what they want to do.

      Men and women, if you want more sex, get more sex. Don't hump your limp wife and call her a bitch for not getting in the mood. This is the most repressive and sure way to make sure she's NEVER in the mood (ever again).

      Delete
    7. @anon

      You're going too far IMO. Relationships are not only about
      what women want or need, unless it's a girl-girl-couple.

      Equality in a relationship is about equal human value,
      not equal needs between sexes.

      If you try to claim that men and women are emotionally the same,
      you're going against every psychologist in the country and
      have NEVER been in a relationship where each member is truly happy.

      Delete
  2. I check your blog every day and I am only disappointed when there is no new post. This post and the previous one are great, succinctly written and relevant to today's young women. Thanks for all your work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My bf says a "man knows he's being loved when he's getting sex". In the back of my head I used to consider this emotional blackmailing but now I just accept that these are his rules. It's actually a good thing that I always know how to make him happy. He's in a lot more difficult situation with me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm assuming that the qualifier on this post is "when you're in a relationship..." I'd kind of like to know...what's a technique for saying no gently...in a way that doesn't make him feel rejected? For the early days of dating, when you don't really know where things are going, but he's clearly trying to put the moves on you...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, this refers to relationships only.

      Good question. I'll think about it and make a new post.

      Delete
    2. Yes I second this question.

      Because watch out guy when you do make that leap to be with me exclusively, you won't be able to walk.... There will be no "No" if he's my man.

      Delete
    3. Just say "I want to, but I'm a woman and I need to be careful so I don't get hurt. Can we please wait?"

      If he says no then dump him.

      Delete
    4. Actually, if he says no, you should probably literally run.

      But seriously, I can't see any guy feeling really rejected if you put it to him like that. Frustrated maybe, but not hurt. It will probably stimulate his protective instinct to some degree.

      --Anonymous February 8, 2013 at 11:52 AM

      Delete
  5. If thgis post refers to a committed relationship i.e. marriage, then I am with you on this, Andrew.
    Nice new look by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree. Within a committed relationship this advice works very well. However, when a woman is angry with her man, I'm not sure how much fun she'll be in bed. Positive emotions and sex are very closely allied for women don't you think?

    M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, which is why I suggested working on the acting skills

      Delete
    2. By "acting skills", do you mean fake orgasm too? :)
      Because most women can have sex even if they're not in the mood, most can even enjoy sex which doesn't end in orgasm. But a lot of men love watching/hearing a girl orgasm. And if he's used to his gf having an orgasm almost every time, it will be pretty obvious that this is a charity fuck when she for once does not. You think most men don't mind?

      Delete
    3. It wouldn't bother me if it was a charity fuck. In fact, though the sex might not be as great (that time), I would love the fact that my girl was making that kind of effort for me. I definitely don't think a woman should fake an orgasm - ever, really.

      If I am inadequate, I want to know it, so that I can correct it. But in general, if a guy thinks he needs to give a woman an orgasm to satisfy her, he misunderstands female sexuality, and is also trying to hard.

      Delete
    4. Good question M, I was about to ask the same.

      M

      Delete
    5. As a woman I have a simple answer to this one... If a man is not fully satisfied unless his woman orgasms, than make her have one, I have been there where I am giving it up because he wants it although I am not quite in the mood, but after so long he knows just what to do to drive me wild, and it is mutually satisfying. Make her want it. If you see that she is willing to give it up, make it worth it for her. What started off as a rough night and what you thought was gonna just be a quick mercy screw could end off a great, long night after all!!

      Delete
  7. As a woman, it's hard to make an analogous connection between my emotional need and a man's sexual need. Awesome advice that I'll definitely keep tucked away for future relationships.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This was really interesting. I like your blog for the male perspective, even though sometimes you come across a little harsh, as if you're deliberately making men seem like animals, to make us (women) afraid, to keep us submissive?. Are you trying to turn us on who dig the bad boys? Thanks a bunch, anonymous Andrew.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm on board with the attitude of this post -- but I think it only truly applies in the context of marriage and is evidenced in your post on Men and Sexual Variety. If not limited to marriage, this advice and conclusion flies in the face of your earlier post, in which your friend had this great girl who was always down for sex, yet he wanted it somewhere else!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I'm curious to know Andrew what you suggest the alternative should be such as in the the case of your friend, seeing as his girlfriend is following your advice and never says no to sex?

      Delete
  10. What do you suggest to a woman who is upset with something her honey did? If he had a fight with her or she felt he was being disrespectful and a few hours later, he comes around for some lovin' because he's forgotten about the disagreement....

    I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior. Can you address that? I used to be one of those "never say no to sex" girls- but sometimes..it is necessary or you end up creating a monster. Boundaries, (appropriate ones) are healthy. I don't believe in taking an argument into the bedroom, but I don't believe in ignoring unresolved issues. And hey, even if the issues are resolved- women cannot switch off their feelings that may linger- needing a day or so to calm down...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have angry sex.. seriously.. it worked for me. You probably need to be a Scorpio to be able to pull this off though.

      My guy was quite a bit shorter than me and liked my athletic body so showing him how strong I actually am by smacking him around a bit during put the energy to good use.

      The funny thing is he started to recognize it and would realize he'd done something wrong and actually pay attention and fix it :)

      Delete
  11. After reading this post I became confused. There seems to be a contracdiction based off of the advise in this post and "men and sexual variety".
    The advise here is to never say no to sex under any circumstances, but the girlfriend in "men and sexual variety" seemed to be doing just that and more but the her boyfriend was wanting to be with another person because he was bored and ultimately didn't appreciate the good thing that he had.
    So where is the balance?
    What does a girl have to do to get the guy and keep him and be in a long lasting loving and meaningful relationship?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Saying no = sexually frustrated guy
      Saying yes = not sexually frustrated guy.

      He is gonna crave for variety anyway.

      Only way i know that can lessens a mans need for variety is love:

      According to a study, having men thinking about their loved ones, and then having them play a maze-like computer game, so it could be recorded what they looked at, resulted in the men spending less time looking at the pictures of attractive women on the walls of the maze, some even actively avoiding them.

      However, keep in mind that being in love with their wife is not a male priority, but a female priority to incentivize commitment. Even though being in love is pleasurable to for a man, its not one of his cravings or needs. Being loved however, is a craving for women, incentivizing the women to have them act so a man gets in love with them.

      Lacking that, have him sexually sated. A sexually sated man won't be thinking about sex, neither with you or anybody else. A fully sexually sated man will be actively repelled by sex.

      To make it harder: Make sure to not become to predictable and boring in bed, else, he will be desensitized to your act.



      Delete
    2. Some studies have shown that the feeling of love in humans, both male and female, is very similar to the highs created by recreational drug use in chemical composition. these hormones are produced by the body to induce the feeling of love, in the hopes of creating commitment, and producing offspring. However, these hormones are no longer produced after three to five years of a relationship (incidentally, around the most common time of major breakups/divorces in long term relationships). This is thought to be because three to five years is around how long it takes to raise a child from infancy through its most vulnerable years.
      In short, both sexes need and crave the feeling of love. The difference is from the males' evolutionary need to produce offspring (sexual drive), preferably as many as possible, compared to the females' evolutionary need to ensure her investment (pregnancy) is protected during the months she will not be fully able to fend for herself.

      Delete
  12. Who is this advice for? Wife? Girlfriend? The girl that wants to be the girlfriend and ultimately wife? There needs to be specification in regards to the advice given. I am a single woman who "knows why I'm dating" and wants to be married.

    Dorothy 25yrs

    ReplyDelete
  13. "However, neither is it easy for your man to put down his work to listen to you vent about your bitchy coworker, remain emotionally stable in difficult times, lead and support the family, etc. - all of which are the kind of things most women want and even expect from a man."

    This is only expected in marriage. As others have pointed out, this post really only works in marriage. "Committed relationship" is pretty meaningless without actual commitment.

    The problem is that most men now are trained to expect the kind of--for lack of a better way to describe it--sexual loyalty, without having given anything in return. Very few women would get away with expecting the things you've described in a "committed relationship."

    But in marriage, within reason, what you've described is something women should keep in mind. Outside of marriage it's nothing but free prostitution.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with this actually! Very few men under 27ish who have options are looking for commitment. Most of them appear to be thinking "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Those who choose a relationship do so to get steady sex with an attractive woman. If you're a twenty-something girl who got yourself a high quality man, you need to work to keep it going, even if you are very attractive. With the way the sexual market works now, very few men are looking for marriage before 30, and you can't make them. All the girls I know in long-term monogamous relationships are with a man way below their own league. There just aren't enough high quality men around, and if they commit, they expect a lot.

      Delete
  14. In response to the comments above, yes, I was only advocating this attitude within the context if a relationship. I thought this was so obvious that it went without saying, but I will update the text of the post so that it is clearer.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The last time I did what you're saying in this post, I felt like I had been raped by my own boyfriend...Ladies just say no!!!!! Whatever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree completely. Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean my body is owned by anyone. Every time I try to have sex when I'm really not feeling like it, I don't enjoy it and because my partner is aroused by my own arousal, it becomes a long dance of no one being happy. Even with the best intentions, even when I want to make my boyfriend feel good, but I just don't feel like it, I can't get into it. After a while you can start feeling resentful.

      Delete
    2. Gender reverse:

      "just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean i need to be your emotional tampon. Salesman at door refusing to leave? Wow, that sucks for you."

      What you describe regarding the act is correct. Men get more aroused by seeing the womans arousal.

      ***SEXUAL EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS BELOW***


      If you aren't aroused, make the clear to him, but also say that you still want to make him cum. He still is gonna want to make you horny. Let him try, there is a chance he succeeds. If he doesn't, it's good anyway.

      (male writing this)

      Start with handjob while he plays with your breast and kiss you. When he starts to get wet, rub some of it on your clit. Make sure he has full visual of how you rub yourself, and that he knows that you are making sure you see. Ask him if you likes to see it.

      He will get horny. Keep going for 7 minutes. If you can't be bothered, keep doing it and raise the tempo. Chances are hell cum right there, if he was horny before the act.

      To do it even better, slow down occasional so he can get more out of it.

      Change to BJ with eyecontact. If you continue until you finish there, you are can done in 15 minutes and it will be great.

      Or if you start feeling a bit moist, tell him to go all the way.

      No rape feeling if you take command of your female sexual power. When it comes to sex, men are the weaker, needier sex.

      Delete
    3. Taking command of female sexual power is having consensual sex. Also, I don't see how an unwanted dick inside me is the same as me complaining about work to a guy I'm dating. It's not like I'm sticking my fingers down his throat while I'm bitching.

      Delete
    4. @KELSEYSMASH,

      No one said anything about non-consensual sex. We're talking about consenting more (I disagree with Andrew over the word "never").

      If you care about making your husband feel loved, you need to rarely say no to his physical needs. Just like if a husband cares about making his wife feel loved, he should rarely say no to her emotional needs.

      You don't see how an unwanted dick inside you is the same as you complaining about work because you are a woman. This site explains it to you. For example, when a man is exhausted or otherwise feeling down/stressed, the idea of having a woman drown him in her emotional baggage of the day (while at the same time usually not accepting any of his advice) is downright unappealing. A burden. A chore. But only very rarely should he say "I don't feel like listening to you".

      Delete
    5. I think that the statement, "A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his woman's emotional ones." is a croc. I think it is better stated: A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his woman's sexual needs (emotional can be substituted for sexual at any time) This statement relegates women to strictly emotional beings and men to stricly sexual beings, both unable to understand the needs of the other. Do you know how many times I've come home from work on a Friday after a 60 hour work week and had to listen to my husband talk about his car, job, friends, tv show, etc? I didn't really care about what he was saying but he did, so I listened. Sometimes I am too worn out and I ask him if I can be left alone to relax for a while before we talk. This has been reciprocated by him on a number of occasions as well. This is called compromise. I EXPECT the same understanding when it comes to my sexual needs. My sexual needs only arise about 3x per week. His arise more ofter. I EXPECT compromise. The opposite of which is: NEVER SAY NO TO SEX. The truth is that it doesn't really matter how often you have sex with your man, if he is a cheater, he's gonna cheat. If you want your relationship to last, you have to compromise. Would you cheat on your husband if he was too tired to listen to you as soon as he came home from working all day to support your family? I wouldn't. These things do not CREATE cheaters, they simply give them a good sounding excuse. They will however create resentment in a relationship. I find it best to talk about these things openly. A relationship is a constant negotiation. Because we are not animals, a healthy committed relationship is based upon an EMOTIONAL connection. This emotional connection SHOULD BE of top importance to both parties involved. Sex is a way of expressing this emotional connection, which can only exist with both willing participants. If you don't feel like having sex, how are you rationalizing that it is consensual. That's kind of part of the definition. Wake up ladies. You have as much of right to say no as he has to tell you he can't listen right now. It is his perogative to choose to exercise this right, as it it yours. But treating your husband like an animal that must be appeased in order to maintain his 'good behaviour' is insulting. Men are capable of higher understanding, love and compassion just as women are. He should respect you enough to accept no. This is a question of respect, not sexual needs.

      Delete
    6. beautifully said!

      Delete
    7. yes, i said no to my guy, because i just wanted to wait, as we had planned to get married soon.. he did not take it well, and flew off..
      i'm really sad coz our relationship was of 5 and half years, and he is such a stupid guy, that he is not talkin to me:(.. Hiding somewhr..
      what an IDIOT!! n a JERK!!
      But atleast i'm HAPPY, that i took my stand...

      Delete
  16. What's a relationship? After three dates? After a year? After an engagement? Who decides...the guy or the girl? How could any of your readers possibly know when to start never saying no to sex? At what point does a girl who never says no to sex stop being a slut and start being a valued half of a committed relationship?

    The problem with people like you is that you want it both ways. You want something that looks almost exactly like marriage without either having to work for it or really even knowing how to get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A relationship is when both parties agree to not see other people and communicate that agreement to each other. A girl who never says no to sex is a slut when she does it outside of a relationship, and loyal when she does it inside a relationship.

      Delete
    2. I know in an earlier post you talked about men and porn, I have noticed my religious future husband (arranged marriage)is following porn stars on his google account. It really upsets me because I love him but I can't even communicate to him until a few years time. But should I still marry him? How can I get over what he is doing? It really hurts.

      Delete
    3. So you are allowed to look at his google account but not talk to him? That doesn't seem fair...

      In any case, I'd say that either way you need to get used to the idea that men generally will like porn and looking at naked women. It's normal, even if it isn't ideal. Granted, it would be better to get a guy that is willing to try to stop looking at porn, rather than following porn stars on google, but guys like this are going to be rare.

      Delete
    4. If you're the guy or the girl, don't FAKE IT, if you're not in the mood just tell your partner something like "I had a really rough day, I would love to kiss and make out right now and see where that goes". That way they aren't feeling rejected, you aren't damaging the trust, and you most likely will start to really get in the mood and have phenomenal meaningful sex. Telling women to " never say no" can definitely be misinterpreted as a rule to deny your own desires/needs--whic would be a really sad take away. I hope instead the article was meant as advice to never reject your guy/girl and always try to meet them halfway if they're trying to demonstrate that affection towards you. BTW, if any man is ok with EVEN IF IT HURTS throw him back and lock the door, he's not worth keeping. I'm fairly certain 99.9% of the men I know would not be ok sleeping with their girl knowing this.

      Delete
    5. I definitely did not mean that you should only meet him halfway. And he shouldn't just meet you halfway when it comes to meeting your emotional needs. It's gotta be 100 % from both partners if it's going to work.

      Delete
  17. To take it further, what's your take on give/receive oral?
    I've dated a guy who really doesn't go down on me much. I'm clean, fully waxed - my ex loved to do it. Is giving BJs even if you don't get anything in return part of fulfilling his needs?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love oral. Sex without ravaging a woman with my mouth is almost boring to me. It's gotta be in the mix. Other guys I've talked to have had varying interest in doing it, but none that I know of have ever said they hated or even disliked it.

      To answer your second question: yes. BUT, he should be fulfilling your needs too. It's kinda messed up that he doesn't do it. Try telling him you want it, and then reciprocate the favor if he wants it too (just ask him).

      Delete
  18. In relationships I've naturally behaved this way. I have a high sex drive, and the idea of withholding sex as a bargaining chip seems silly when we both know we both want to have sex. That being said, I've been routinely hung out to dry emotionally. You shouldn't give it 100% when he's only giving 50%.

    I think knowing when to implement "Never Say No" is ambiguous, because despite agreeing to be exclusive, proposing, or even marrying, people will half-ass it if they think can get away with it (the principle of least interest at work). You'll have to rely on your own judgement on the timing of "NSN."

    If you bet on too many mediocre hands, you'll bleed chips, and it won't mean as much when you go all-in. Better to wait for a really awesome hand, and go all-in.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The last man I dated said "It's gay when you're not in the mood and I am." I did suggest that we can still have sex, if I'm not in the mood at the moment. If he's refusing that, then what do you do? I did tell him that I was raised in a family where we women were taught that if you don't please your man, he will get it elsewhere. He then said "I'm not some animal." There were also times when I initiated sex, and he said he wasn't in the mood.

    If a man wants sex, I would also suggest to also know what turns his woman on and off. If I'm not in the mood, there are things to get me in the mood. Porn can instantly get me in the mood for sex, but my ex-boyfriend didn't like me watching porn either. Hmmm...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If he's refusing that, it's his problem. If he can't turn you on there isn't much you can do about it. If he doesn't correct that attitude, I'd give 'im the boot.

      Delete
  20. "And with all of the lubricants available, equally poor are excuses about "not being in the mood."

    Andrew, might I add that lubricant isn't always enough to get a woman's vaginal muscles to relax to allow penetration? The arousal has to come from within for some women, and a woman's body lets her know if she's ready for penetration or not.

    The plus side is that you can do other sexual acts that don't involve penetration, like oral sex. Men think that we women don't enjoy giving blowjobs( a discussion at HUS involved men thinking that women only give bj's to satisfy men), but that's garbage. I prefer giving oral sex over regular penetration. Some women do get naturally very turned on by that act.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Point taken. As far as the oral sex thing goes, not all women like it. I've heard women complain that they don't like it, and more men complain that they aren't getting it.

      Your enthusiasm will make some guy extremely happy ;)

      Delete
    2. Haha, thanks. Sure, a lot of women aren't crazy about giving oral sex. But, it's not fair to assume that we're all like that. Just like some men love going down on a woman, some men think it's gross.

      For those that can't comprehend how a woman gets turned on by giving a blowjob, let's just say that there is something very exciting about putting your man's member in your mouth, especially when you're wildly attracted to him. It's like licking an ice cream cone, lol.

      Delete
    3. Some women don't like performing, but I imagine that nearly all like receiving oral sex. Its a pretty easy way to get your woman in the mood :)

      Delete
    4. "Andrew, might I add that lubricant isn't always enough to get a woman's vaginal muscles to relax to allow penetration? The arousal has to come from within for some women, and a woman's body lets her know if she's ready for penetration or not."

      EXACTLY THIS RIGHT HERE!
      Exactly what I was going to say, Andrew guy who have "dated countless women". If you dated so much and don't even know how their vaginas work, you are kind of failing.

      Delete
  21. This article is really worth reading, it has too much details in it and yet it is so simple to understand, Thanks for sharing .


    GED Online

    ReplyDelete
  22. Since when is having sex a chore? I was under the impression that women enjoyed it too. Maybe not as bluntly, but still. *bewildered*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes women do enjoy it, it's only a chore if one HAS to do it.

      Delete
  23. "A relationship is when both parties agree to not see other people and communicate that agreement to each other. A girl who never says no to sex is a slut when she does it outside of a relationship, and loyal when she does it inside a relationship."

    What is a girl who says no to sex (I'll define sex as 3rd base and Home, or oral and beyond) outside of a relationship, but during dating/outside of a relationship allows 2nd base (above the waistline but under the clothes, and both partners touching themselves to achieve orgasm)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Somewhere in between a slut and a loyal girlfriend. WHERE in between depends on how well she knows him, trusts him, etc. I would say it is fairly neutral, but that is just my opinion.

      Delete
    2. So, still has LTR potential from the guy's perspective? Esp. if he knows her number is low, her experience is low.

      Delete
    3. Probably, but guys don't all have the same standards for "slut" or "wife material." But I would say that if this guy you hookedup with is average in his views about relationships, then yes, he still can see you as long-term material.

      Delete
    4. Hey Andrew-what if a partner doesn't meet your emotional needs? Is it fair to understand why one would lose sexual interest in their partner? I'm talking about name-calling, smothering, control, bad mouthing your partners parents, trying to isolate you, and the like. I don't think anyone would be turned on after being subjected to that. I usually have a high sex drive, but these behaviors decreased my sex drive.

      Delete
  24. To my fellow blog-reading ladies:

    Get really good at giving head. Get in the habit of giving it, by default, whenever he starts pawing you and you're not feeling the P-in-the-V.

    It will make your man so much happier. And if that's not reason enough, it will make your life so much better.

    Just don't expect him to get up to anything productive for an hour or so afterwards. A good BJ is often like benadryl -- knocks them for six.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Are you honest about sexual performance? Or how honest are you?
    I'm always 'positive' regarding a man's performance, but I won't outright lie. I can say "that was amazing" if it was great. Most guys I've been with have been quite articulate about it.
    How 'reliable' is a man's response after sex? (minutes after or days after).
    Sometimes I've been with a guy who's seemed quit inexperienced and if he's seemed overwhelmed, I have reason to believe him. But I suppose some people just try to flatter you as well.
    I'm 'relatively' honest. How genuine are you and most of your friends?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've become much more honest over time. If a guy is the type to compliment you all the time, do nice things for you, etc. he will probably try to make it sound like he enjoyed sex more than he really did. If the guy is kind of an asshole but usually honest, that will translate into the bedroom too. So observe how he behaves in normal life and that is also how he will be with you when he comments on your sexual performance.

      Delete
  26. I never say no, but it is backfiring on me. In all of my relationships I, the female have the higher sex drive. I'm the "anytime, anyplace, anyhow" girl with my partner. My belief is it's imperative you take care of your partner, sexually and emotionally. The problem is my partners have no problem saying no to me. I'm guessing since they think it's always available then somehow it's less desirable. I want to be authentic and not play games, but since I initiate 75% of the time I thought I should stop initiating and possibly say no a couple times to increase interest. This is role reversal is ridiculous, but since it has happened in most of my long term relationships I figure it's not about the guy it's about my making myself too available. I'm fit, clean, and attractive. Thoughts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A woman taking sexual initiative to often can be a turn off for us guys, unless we have very very good emotional and verbal contact. It makes us insecure.

      Initiate every 4th or 5th time, no more. If the relationship is not very hot at the moment, don't initiate more than once a month, when you are extra horny due to ovulation.

      But do keep not saying no. If you are horny and want to initiate, make him horny by giving him signals. The less he consciously gets them, the better. Work subconscious "i am horny" signals.

      For extra points, play hard to get after you have turned him on. When you finally "give in", go wild.

      He will love it.


      Delete
  27. Hi would you think that a girl that has sex with a guy without being in a relationship is a slut? what if she has had sex with him and then they continue dating and says no to sex because she realized that it would be too easy for him without exclusivity, would that change his opinion of her? just would like your opinion as a guy. thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Al men categorize women as either sluts or wive-materials.

      However, men are different in were they draw the line.

      For me, as a practicing religious guy, being divorced more than 3 times is slutty, but religiously legal.

      Extramarital sex is slutty at partner #1. Maybe MAYBE not if he marries that first guy, and stays married for 20 years.

      Sex for a man is, what emotions are for women. Traditionally, men can give emotions for a while, to get sex, since it doesn't cost that much to give emotions for a while, whereas giving unprotected sex even one time can be very expensive.

      However, after having given emotions for some time, men start wanting sex, eventually expect excepting it.

      If the woman give sex, then the mission is accomplished, and he expects to receive it regularly from then on. It's the womans job to keep his emotions alive, if he values receiving them.

      If she stops providing sex, he needs to see a reason for it.

      "Wtf did i do? How can i undo it?"

      Delete
    2. ", if SHE values receiving them."

      Delete
  28. Um, since when do men attend to women's emotional needs? We're expected to give it up until we're in our 90's but men stop listening to us(if they ever DID listen) oh, about four nanoseconds after "Hi, my name is Jane. What's yours?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Although it's a bit of an exaggeration, I actually agree with this. Women are expected to tend to men's sexual needs more than men are expected to attend to women's emotional needs. Some men can't be bothered using women for anything but sex and have therefore created this illusion that "men cannot understand women anyway", as if it applies to all, so they needn't be bothered.
      Men go on about women's nagging, obsessive behavior, even the author of this blog make comments about women need to 'get over it' and move on and that women who linger over past relationship problems "don't value themselves". A lot of people have these ideas that women's negative sides need to be changed, whereas men's negative sides "are what they are" so we need to just deal with it.
      I have no problems having sex with a man two times a day if he's worth it. But how often do you meet a man who's worth it?

      Delete
    2. Bingo! Every woman knows that if she wants to talk about anything of substance, she goes to her girlfriends for that. My relationships have consisted of:

      7:00am: "Not now, can't you see I'm getting ready for work? Geez!"
      6:00pm: "Not now, I just got in. Can't I get any decompress time? Geez!"
      7:00pm: "Not now, can't a man eat in peace? Geez!"
      8:00pm: "Not now, can't you see the game is on? Geez!"
      11:30pm: "Hey, baby, how about a little somethin' somethin'?"

      And I'm not supposed to EVER say no? F**k that!

      Delete
    3. Okay, let's not get so riled up we miss the point here.

      What Andrew's saying is that the woman "never saying no" is contingent upon the man "never saying no." This means, if you need to vent (or whatever else), he stops and listens 100% of the time. Both parties have to be meeting each others' needs 100%. If one party is assenting 100% and the other party is assenting 0% of the time, this system fails- miserably.

      This post more describes an ideal situation, rather than an mass-achievable reality. My guess would be that most couples who actively attempt equal reciprocity probably settle around the (both contributing) 50-70% mark.

      Delete
    4. Crispy, thank you. Well said.

      I don't think you will find anywhere on this blog a suggestion that a man should have his dick sucked all day long without ever making an effort to take care of his woman. In fact, I think you will find exactly the opposite: We Have a Shared Responsibility

      Delete
    5. @Crispy,

      Yes. It's so obvious that is what he is saying. It's really weird that so many women can't wrap their heads around it.

      Delete
  29. I feel sad if I have sex without feeling loved at that moment or soon before it, even if the man is generally a good, caring guy. I just need a lot of affection to feel safe and connected so that the whore part of me starts coming out. And the sex isn't good without a certain kind of warm up that invariably takes effort on his part. I feel like it would do way more damage than good to put myself in a scenario where I felt I had to choose my boyfriend's sexual needs over my own emotional and sexual needs. Like it would be not honoring my feelings. ... What man wants a woman who feels that way? But you advise above having sex when you don't want to. ... I bet long term relationships are full of diminished sexuality, largely initiated by women. Is someone like me going to have problems down the road? ... And does it push men away? It didn't push my ex-boyfriend away, but I don't know if men can smell (and find unattractive) "high-maintenance" on me (though, if this is who I am, then what can I do about it, anyway? Maybe I just need someone compatible with that? ...) This is probably common to a lot of women. ... How much responsibility do you think men feel they have to create an environment that makes women want to be sexual? Would you want to be having sex with a woman who didn't really want to be there?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Andrew, I would really value your advice if you happen to have time to read this.

    In truth, I have seldom said no to sex. It's because I genuinely do have a high sex drive. The problem is that all the men I've dated haven't and it drove me insane. They didn't particularly care about pleasing me either. It made me feel so undesirable and I still have doubts over whether I am attractive enough to stimulate a man's sexual interest. I wonder what it is that I should have been doing that I didn't? I tried my best with them, I made lots of effort in bed and I never used sex as a tool for manipulation. Still, I don't know when I'll experience that feeling of being wanted sexually as well as emotionally.

    I am still struggling to understand my ex's explanation of why he didn't want to have sex with me. He said "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you". What does it mean?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Possible meanings:
      1) He was highly religious, and meant it honestly. The fact that he needed to say it caused him to leave you.
      2) An excuse for you not turning him on.
      3) he was a ragingly promiscuous man with guilt from a religious past
      4) It was sarcasm for "I'm not touching you, you skank".

      I do not have enough information to know which one applies best to your case.

      Stimulating a mans sexual interest is really easy if you have exclusivity, and he doesn't look at porn. You do:

      A) nothing
      B) repeat step A for 1 week
      C) show your tits and grab his junk.

      That will work unless your looks is actively repulsing, witch i doubt.

      Which tell me that he either was getting something on the side. He was so sexually sated that he didn't get horny around you. It could also have been due to some medical condition.

      Either that, or you were doing something that was actively putting him off. Men do get put off by females who are overly sexually aggressive.

      Truth be told, my initial reaction to:

      "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you"

      ...was "bullshit". If you want to see what i mean, try the gender reverse, were you say to him:

      "I have too much respect for you to accept a commitment"

      It's sounds like bullshit, because why would you ever need to actually say it, if you meant it?


      Don't fall for mind games. Just keep reading this blogg, keep your standards high and you will be fine

      Delete
    2. Thank you. I actually found out the real reason was because he had a porn addiction and he couldn't get it up around me. It didn't start off that way that he didn't want to have sex. We'd just have sex and then he wouldn't want it again. It was weird. But you're right - keep standards high! That is the way :)

      Delete
    3. Porn addiction is a marriage wrecker. I argue it's worse than being a notorious cheat who knows how to game his wife.

      If a man is chasing and getting other women, then he at least has pre-selection, which is a female turn on. A porn addict is, in the female way of categorizing men, just a loser.

      Delete
  31. Any thoughts on this:
    http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-men-do-to-ruin-their-own-sex-lives/

    Specifically the part about using your GF/wife's vagina as your own personal prozac? Just seems unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I want, need and enjoy having sex on a regular and frequent basis...however, he prefers self-love and is then too exhausted and has no desire for the real thing. It hurts me more than anything! So this original thread/post is not accurate for all but possibly 50% of men. It boggles me as to why men would prefer themselves over something real.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most men don't. Have you tried considering whether or not you might be the problem? I am not accusing you since I don't know the situation, but from what I've seen and heard these things are usually the fault of both parties, not just one.

      Delete
    2. I should elaborate on that. Perhaps he isn't attracted to you anymore because you've started to be bossy or have cut your hair short or gained weight. Maybe you did these things because he became a slob or stopped taking charge of the household, but if both of you are being lazy, the cycle continues and he will be pushed even further into his world of masturbation and pornography. If you talk to him and make a special effort to regain his attraction, and he makes a special effort to stay away from the porno, then it might be possible to get back on track. This is the kind of thing a marriage counselor could probably help with more than a blog online.

      Delete
  33. I am a woman here and i semi agree with this. But there should be a part added in on when the other party is denying emotional support while you are still offering sex. The roles can be reversed here. I have been in a relationship for 5 years where my bf didnt work, didnt clean and provided little emotional support while expected sex or his mood would go sour. I did it for 5 years until i wised up. For women, if a man isnt doing the same back dont waste your time making him happy f you arent.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I agree with the sentiment of the post, what Id say is that women need to understand that a man's need for sex is not as entwined with emotion as a woman's. A man needs sexual release as an expression of freedom in a world where men are burdened by responsibility.
    An argument three hours ago between him and his wife doesnt change this but for a woman it can deeply affect her sexual desire for him.Men need to realise a woman's desire is related to her emotional wellbeing.
    The bottom line is that men and women who take care of each others differing needs and make efforts to understand each other will be happier emotionally and sexually.

    ReplyDelete
  35. What about this scenario? What if you never really had a high sex drive to begin with but things seemed to be relatively fine. Then baby#1comes along and that sex drive is even less. And it was mentioned that it was a problem. It was hard to make the effort being full time mommy and working full time. I'm always tired. Now I'm pregnant again and its even more of a problem that we fight about all the time. Now what?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like a tough situation. I've found that people don't have GENERALLY low or high sex drives, they just are more or less compatible with different partners. So if you are with someone that turns you on, you will have a high sex drive with him, whereas you will have a low one with someone who doesn't arouse you.

      It sounds like your husband doesn't arouse you. I would start asking yourself why, and what kind of men DO arouse you, then move on from there.

      But this does sound like a question that is better suited for someone more qualified in marriage counseling.

      Delete
    2. Hi Anonymous -

      There are quite a few women who post at marriedmansexlife.com who have similar stories. Go into the forum and introduce yourself. It's a pro-marriage site, and the people there are generally working to save and strengthen their marriages. Even if you don't want to post, go explore (particularly the 911 Emergency Relationship Advice category) since the comments contain advice/insight for the spouse who has lost interest in or attraction for the other.

      Delete
    3. Well, when you never had an OK sex-drive, it's going south after having children and you are tired all the time, you could have hypothyroidism.

      Please check:

      http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/long-and-pathetic/

      Delete
  36. Thanks I will look into that

    ReplyDelete
  37. So what if your man is the one that is always saying no. I'm 22, petite weigh 130 (have gained 5 lbs, damn holidays) have long curly brown hair and boobs that are F. My 28 year old boyfriend of 1 year 8 months (and living with for the past 4 months) does not want sex at all. I beg, tease, tempt, dress, flirt, try to liven up sex ANY way that I can ( different places, positions, parts of my body, different clothes, lotions, lubes, music, candles, freaking everything damn it). Nothing works. We go weeks without sex (19 days is the longest). When and if we do have sex I want it to last longer and I want him to hit different areas, touch me down there or for god sakes let me use a clit vibrator (apparently I find the one guy not interested in bondage toys or seduction). I tried to talk to him about it, he was supposed to have his testosterone levels checked and made an appointment and "forgot" to go. As of lately I just cry after he is asleep. I don't know if it's me or if it is about him. I NEED SEX! It is an important factor in a relationship, and I've told him that too. I love him with every part of me, and I don't want to give him up. But this is honestly ripping me apart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry to hear of your situation,have you asked him straight out why he doesn't want to? Its better to get a definitive answer rather than become depressed and lose self esteem.At least then you try to resolve the situation.

      Delete
    2. I have tried and he says " I am tired after work." Uhhh be tired all you want, you have time before we got to bed to get in the mood, at the very LEAST, 4 hours to relax and be jolly. Am I mistaken? Should I just sit back and wait for something to click with him? Is there something that I can do when he gets home to relieve some stress? Does anyone know any tricks?! Can some one give me an idea on WHY he is like this (from a guys perspective?)
      Is it that I work 12 hr shifts and am not home all the time?

      Delete
    3. This one is a little beyond my realm... I suggest getting advice from a good sex therapist; however, as the commenter above pointed out, calm, rational communication is probably another step in the right direction.

      Delete
    4. My partner of 5 years had bipolar disorder and would go through periods of no sex drive for several months. I didn't realize he had this disorder until we were together about a year. Other times, during manic periods, he was initiating sex several times a day. So.. sometimes lack of sex drive has nothing to do with you, but the person's mental state. I'm not sure if this is true in your case.. but, whatever the reason, I feel for you and know it can have a big impact on a relationship.

      Delete
    5. Hm. Do guys go through a phase that they lose all interest in sex? I was told this is true around 35 but really? He's not even 30! I have talked to him and he says "I'm tired". This was just last night. He can not come up with another reason. I know his body reacts but his mind is not there. It was in the beginning and now its poof gone. I just don't even know how to go about breaking up with him.
      Andrew he does not even want to go to a therapist. I asked. He laughed and walked away. That night I once again cried myself to sleep after being rejected. I have tried asking him as I said above all he responds with is "I'm tired" for god sakes if he says that again I will slap him. I think if he said "I'm cheating" I would feel better. Then I would have a legit reason to break up with him.

      Delete
  38. Hi Andrew,

    It's amazing how long your blog has lasted on this issue, but then again it's no surprise as we all try and figure out this "thing called love...or sex"...well, you know what I mean.

    I'm a 27 year old woman and I love my sex. I do however disagree with you on putting out when I don't feel that I want to. A great number of men that I've come across tend to be self-centered when it comes to sex and a great number also tend to be oblvious to how their woman feels (emotions at the time).

    I give my man 100% of my attention, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I dress in sexy underwear and clothes to keep his attention (although this may also be accompanied by unwelcomed attention from other man), but I do my part.

    The only thing that I have a problem with is when my partner cannot take me saying no to sex with him. It drives me completely mad. I think at times it's childish behaviour and really unnecessary and it puts pressure on me, not to mention insecurity on the man's part.

    I don't know what the big deal is about not having sex for one or two nights.

    I maybe talking out of my nose right now, but this is just how I feel about it. As a result, if my man behaves in the manner as I described above, I just dont have sex with him until I feel like it. It may take 2-3 days until he rectifies his attitude and understands that no means no, it does not mean that I don't love you or that I'm not interested in him at all.

    N.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Consider your attitude using the analogy I described in the post:

      "I'm a 27 year old man and I love my emotional connection with my wife. I do however disagree with you on supporting her emotionally when I don't feel that I want to. A great number of women that I've come across tend to be self-centered when it comes to their emotions and a great number also tend to be oblivious to how their man feels about constantly having to be their 'rock' or sounding board.

      "I give my woman 100% of my support, sexually, financially, physically. I struggle to be strong at all times, even when difficult situations arise (although this may also be accompanied by unwelcomed attention from other woman), but I do my part.

      "The only thing that I have a problem with is when my partner cannot take me saying no when I don't want to be emotionally there for her. It drives me completely mad. I think at times it's childish behaviour and really unnecessary and it puts pressure on me, not to mention insecurity on the woman's part.

      "I don't know what the big deal is about ignoring her problems for one or two days.

      "I maybe talking out of my nose right now, but this is just how I feel about it. As a result, if my woman behaves in a needy manner, I just avoid intimate conversations with her until I feel like it. It may take 2-3 days until she rectifies her attitude and understands that no means no, it does not mean that I don't love you or that I'm not interested in her at all."


      Sounds like he is a selfish asshole right? That is how you sound to him too.

      Delete
    2. LOL~ I love this!!!

      Delete
  39. I don`t need a man to support me emotionally. I`m in the military and can most definitely handle myself. But I understand the point.

    ReplyDelete
  40. This is disgusting. Period. I say no when I want to whoever I want. I don't need emotional support from some motherfucker who doesn't respect me.
    Luckily all the men I've ever dated are nothing like this. If there are any women taking this shit seriously, just know that there are a lot of men out there who are the opposite of this. Don't settle for dickbags.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate it when women dump their silly emotional detritus on me and expect me to be there for them. Period. I say no when I want to whoever I want. I don't need sex from some crazy bitch who doesn't respect me.
      Luckily all the women I've ever dated are nothing like this. If there are any men taking KELSEYSMASH seriously, just know that there are a lot of women out there who are the opposite of this. Don't settle for psycho.

      Delete
  41. Kelseysmash and the anonymous 1:25, I agree! I don't know why the author come up with that women always need emotional support from men. Hello, I encounter lots of single parent women who can support themselves and the children without having a man. I am even with few relationships that I didn't demand any support from men. And even for sufficient sex there are men who still ignores and take their women for granted. So what's with the shit that this lots of effort should be practiced by women? Why are you imposing that women should be the ones who always should try to please you??? If you want and try to find someone else who can do this shit then go do it, if women will also keep on finding someone else, she will surely find a man with respect. If not, then there's no problem, lots of freedom being a single!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Women don't ALWAYS need emotional support from men, and men don't ALWAYS need sexual support from women. But usually this is the case.

      Andrew, this must be one hell of a frustrating site to run.

      Delete
    2. if you can't comprehend this analogy, and you feel like you don't need any emotional support from men, then just replace "emotional" with whatever the hell you do need. and if you can't think of anything, then why the hell are you married? and if you aren't married, then this post doesn't apply to you.

      Delete
  42. This blog is BS. I'll have sex when I want to and if I don't want to I won't. How's that! If I'm not in the mood I shouldn't have to force myself to have sex with my boyfriend or husband nor should they expect me to if they truly love me. If they are a man of strength, love, and integrity, they will not go seek sex elsewhere, they will wait until I'm damn well good and ready. Whoever wrote this is an ASS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gender reverse:

      "This blog is BS. I'll give my woman economical support and protection when I want to and if I don't want to I won't. How's that! If I'm not in the mood I shouldn't have to force myself to give economical support or protection to my girlfriend or wife nor should they expect me to if they truly love me. If they are women of strength, love, and integrity, they will not go seek economical support or protection elsewhere, they will wait until I'm damn well good and ready. Whoever wrote this is an ASS!"

      Of course, economical support and protection will not be provided no matter if she is starving or enduring a physical attack, if i do not feel for it. If she is strong, loving and full of integrity, so she will just fucking sit still and wait until i feel to give her food or repel the attacker.

      Delete
    2. I'm sorry, but people do not date people for "economical support" unless they are assholes. This has nothing to do with women or men. Have fun getting dumped when you lose your job.

      Delete
  43. I'm in need of some advice. The guy that I'm seeing is a nympho and wants to have sex 3-4 times a day. If I'm on my period he expects to get head 3-4 times a day. Each session lasts at least an hour. I work a full time job and he's currently out of work and doesn't seem to realize i have other things to do in a day as well. He expects me to always be horny and throws huge fits if i say no. I've had him cuss me out after round three because I didn't want to go again and he did. The sex is always focused solely on him and his pleasure. When we first meet I was equally into it but over the past years my desire to be with him has died and i dread sex with him. How do i talk to him about this without offending him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The sex is always focused solely on him and his pleasure."
      Seriously? And you're providing for him as well? Dump.

      Delete
    2. Don't worry about him. Stand your ground.

      But I agree with the above comment. Having a selfish lover can really wear you down. I think you should get out for the sake of your wellbeing.

      Delete
  44. if you swears at you for not have sex with him leave him, he is controlling and abusive.

    ReplyDelete
  45. This question might sound a little stupid, but define "lingerie?" I think all of my underwear is sexy and feminine, and I don't buy underwear that isn't sexy or feminine. So is "lingerie" just my underwear, then? Is there something more special that I need to "slip into?"

    ReplyDelete
  46. You're right, Elizaveta... that question sounds a little stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I agree and disagree.

    I have actually thought along these lines before and compared a woman's emotional needs to a man's sexual needs, so I do agree to an extent.

    However, I think this applies more to couples who are committed, yet not completely in love. I say this because when a man really loves a woman, he is more comfortable with his emotions around her and relies on her for supports, just like when a woman really loves a man, she is more aroused by him and more comfortable with him in the bedroom.

    I think "never" say no to sex is a bit strong. Why? Because while there is definitely a strong comparison between a man's sexual needs and a woman's emotional ones, there is a difference.
    Aside from the obvious ones, such as that sex can be painful, exhausting, degrading etc for a woman, there are also other connotations such a her self-respect, her social standing etc. These things are not so present in the act of listening to somebody vent, even if it might be a chore.

    Now, I experimented with this in my relationship several weeks ago. My boyfriend, like most men, is highly sexual and he doesn't deal well with me saying 'no'. Often he will guilt-trip me, become insecure or become concerned that the passion has died from our relationship (and we do have sex 3-4 times a week at least, so it's never a terrible sex life).
    So I decided I would go for an entire week where I would not say "no" at all, regardless of how I was feeling, and not only that, but pretend I was very much into it (as he hates when I'm not in the mood, he can't actually finish), and see if it made a large difference on the amount that we argue.
    As it was, we didn't have one singular fight all week.
    However, by the end of the week, I had some resentment for him. I felt very used, felt like our relationship was entirely physical, lost my sex drive entirely, even though it was all entirely consensual on my part.
    I do not think "never" is healthy for these reasons.

    In saying that, I do think women should make more effort to get in the mood. It's harder for women because we're not so visual as men. My boyfriend only needs to look at me or touch me and he becomes aroused. I need a lot more than that to get in the mood, including emotional and psychological factors.

    As a general rule, I say 'yes' MOST of the time and I'm happy to experiment with almost anything. I won't say 'yes' is I'm ecxeptionally tired or ill,
    OR if I'm very mad with him.
    I don't mean about little things like he didn't call me when I asked him to or he forgot to get something at the shop that I really needed. Angry sex or make up sex will do for most things.
    I just mean about really bit things, because I'm hardly going to 'put out' when I'm not in the mood if I feel he has been mistreating me. Which I think is fair enough.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I also do not think any man who respects his woman and really loves her would expect her to put out ALL the time. He might wish she were as sexual as him, but if he cares for her, he's going to respect if she's had a rough day or is feeling unwell or something.
    I mean, women don't unload ALL our emotional baggage on our male partners. We have our friends for a lot of it.
    And no, having friends to unload emotional baggage on is not like him cheating on her for sex. It's more like him masturbating. She's hardly going to vent to herself, is she?
    Her going to a male friend and getting emotional comfort and ending up getting physical is like him cheating on her for sex.

    I think it should be more like "Say no to sex as little as possible whilst in committed relationships, especially while he is looking after your emotional needs".
    And side notes should be that she should make more effort to make herself in the mood, even when she's really not feeling it.

    She should reward emotional support with great, readily available sex (except for very special circumstances), and when he is NOT taking care of her emotional needs, she should only have sex when she wants to until he's learned to be a more supportive boyfriend.

    Because honestly? "Never" say no sounds a bit rapey and it's hardly realistic to expect a woman to feel okay about having sex when she has the flu, or hasn't slept in 26 hours, or is reeling because last night he called her some very nasty things and made her cry etc.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Lmao! whoever wrote this is clearly living in the stone age.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Wow, I guess it doesn't pay to try to speak your mind or give advice. As read and skim over this blog, I am amazed at the responses from this initial post. Bottom line, you can choose to do what you want with that information. Women struggle to understand men and wonder why. You are given free advice to think about and you immediately attack it. Ironically, the last post I read refers to someone living in the stone age. Hate to break your disillusions my spoiled bunch of women, but life isn't about fairly tale's and princes. We live in a society where girls are raised to expect all these magical things to happen at points in their life. Reality check.. unicorns and rainbows don't exist. Men are dogs... yes all men! Sex isn't the same for men and women. There are certainly psychological affects for women for a one night stand or during a real marriage-relationship. Another point that women often change after having marriage and having children. They often view sex as chore because the baby making part is over. Men have a physical drive and need for sex. It's more of a hormonal animal instinct type behavior that's hard to explain. As a man that's been married closer to 20 years, I will say that marriage-relationships take a ton of work from both sides. It's a give and take situation. I have also done more than my fair share of cleaning, cooking, working, and raising our children. I have consistently watched my wife deny me sex for various reasons. I'm not telling anyone they have to do anything. I would ask you to curb your presumptions and think about it from his perspective. He has an absolute terrible day or week. The only positive thing he can picture is that time at night where he gets to cuddle up and spend time making love to his soft gentle woman. He approaches her and she gets snippy and says.. "I am not in the mood". Why? Cause something trivial happened. He didn't notice her new outfit or haircut or it might have been he forgot something. Women often use sex as a means of motivation or negotiation. I am not pussy whipped so I can say that doesn't work for me. The more I see this happen, the more I shake my head and walk away. You show me a women who has a bf or husband that has worked to give her everything and she still controls sex to manipulate him, and I will show you someone who should expect infidelity. No you shouldn't be a stiff corpse so he can "get his stuff done" or "finish". I would ask, is it too much for you to think about what he does and wants. Can you stop for a minute and focus on him yes that means forgetting the other 100 things you are thinking about Do you really need to have the "perfect mood"? Who got you in the bad mood? Can't you try to get in a good mood? Most the time, it's easier to say NO, then to say well maybe I could used some sex for relieving all this stress. I do believe that if a woman had to live in a man's body, they would realize how crazy it can feel needing sex. There has to be a medium ground somewhere in the middle for relationships. I think most of you can agree as you started your relationship, there was plenty of sex. As life went by and things change kids, job, work, sports, aging parents, siblings, health issues he still has this inner drive for sex. Talk to each, communicate with him.
    For some of you, I am sure you will immediately attack what I put. For others, maybe you will take my words with a grain of salt and it might help in some way.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Okay well my boyfriend of 4 years is the father of my two children. we have great sex usually every two days. sometimes when I'm being a bitch he will withhold sex from me and if he is being an ass i will wwithhold from him. i think we both want sex and emotion equally. But anyways my brother apparently talked to my boyfriend one day in the middle of a week with no sex. My brother came to me stunned that my old man withholds sex from me. he said " that takes a certain kind of man, i can't even look at a female without wanting it." He then asked if wen he withholds do i want to cheat. i said yes of course but i never would ruin what we have going for us
    plus i wouldn't enjoyment from another man anyways because i love him... is this really that crazy? Why does my brother act like its such a big deal?

    ReplyDelete
  52. Andrew - I'm 48 and was married for 21 years. We have been apart for for seven years now and I've had two serious relationships since and every fiber in my being says that you nailed it with this post. I would strongly suggest that men and women read this every so often. Men need to listen and women need to show sexual interest for a relationship to have a chance.

    ReplyDelete
  53. It's a lie that a gal only needs to make sure that her husband is not getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere by never saying no and she will receive his sexual attention for life. I've known many gals that never say no and many of them were cheated on..repeatedly. I find it's not about the amount of sex or not even the quality of sex but whether there is a happy and healthy relationship.

    As for her not being in the mood being a poor excuse since there is lubricant it seems that in your opinion sex is solely for his benefit as there's absolutely no appeal to him on getting her into the mood just lubricate her and bust a nut. If that's the case then why does her consent to it even matter and why not just advocate rape? Despite your backtracking it seems gals do exist for guys sexually gratification if they should never say no and whether they are aroused or desire the sex is completely irrelevant as it's all about him.

    I do enjoy the insights on the male mind though as it certainly explains why it seems most of the married women I know are miserable which isn't uncommon going by studies showing most married women are unhappy and gals tend to be the first to bail out of marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It isn't a lie that taking care of your man sexually will ensure his fidelity, assuming that your relationship began with the correct intentions and attitudes from both parties. If the relationship is based upon meeting some unmet psychological need (usually scars from our childhood) instead of mutual respect and true consideration, then the likelihood of maintaining that relationship greatly decreases without serious psychological work.

      It's been my experience that many seek out or end up in relationships that mirror past trauma, maybe in an unconscious attempt to heal unrecognized emotional wounds. I'm no exception... However, as I learn to recognize these destructive patterns, I've come closer to sharing a truly fulfilling relationship.

      Also, worrying about if your man is going to jump ship almost guarantees him to do so. I agree with this article whole-heartedly, and would like to add that this strategy coupled with true sexual confidence and refusing to ever become jealous guarantees that your man will not stray. I actually enjoy watching attractive women flirt with my significant other; it validates my choice, massages that masculine ego and usually makes for an incredible night of play when we get home. Plus, it's less work for me in making my guy happy.

      Delete
  54. It takes nothing to get a man aroused, you could be wearing your least sexy PJ's and we'll get hot for you. For women, there is some magic chemistry that has to take place, and once the relationship has solidified over some time, we almost always are the ones who have to initiate sex. If we don't get the timing just right, we're stuck sneaking off to some secluded room with the laptop and a box of cleanex.

    You had a rough day at work and just need to decompress, oh but wait, you just finished dinner, now you have a full stomach and it's no fun to have sex on a full stomach. But now that dinner has settled for a bit, you've gotten really into this weeks real housewives of wherever. Oh, your bad reality TV is all cough up on the DVR? maybe now is the right time, but nope, now you're tired and it's time for bed, if you have sex now you wont be able to fall asleep. That's okay, maybe I'll get lucky tomorrow, I'll just have to take care of these blue balls myself. Only tomorrow, it's the same thing, hard day at work, full tummy after dinner, a different bad reality TV show, and then off to bed. For use, another night with the laptop in the guest room with the cleanex, that's okay, there's always the weekend, surely she'll be in the mood with no pressure from work, and the whole day at her disposal. Oh , I see, it's been a tough week, you just want to relax. you just want one day to yourself. There's always sunday right? Well, we're not out of cleanex at least. Here it is, Sunday, at last she's had every thing she needed, one relaxing day to herself. Only, shit! look at all these chores we need to do! we better do them now or this place is gonna be a mess all week. Finally, the chores are done, dinner's not for another hour, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! Well shit, now she's exhausted. She's beat, all she can muster is enough energy to pour a glass of wine. Then dinner, Full tummy, and we'll just repeat the whole no-fucking week over again!

    Here's the solution, You're gonna plan it out in advance. Which day is best for both of you. You always finish up work early on Thursdays, and it always seems to be your least stressful, we'll do it then! This goes on a few months, before long it's 4:30 in the afternoon and you get in your car dreading that another Thursday is here and you have to go home and fuck your husband yet again.

    Before long you slip into the same rut your were in. After a while your husband doesn't even try anymore. You just assume that he's got a fleshlight and takes care of his own business, and you don't even care anymore because he's not bugging you to fuck all the time. He probably does, and did for at least a while. But your Hsband cant get the emotional satisfaction that he needs from his flesh light. He needs to feal a human being, he neads to hear her moan and squirm. a fleshlight can't do that, But you know who can? That woman he sees jogging by in yoga pants every morning when he leaves for work. The bar tender where him and all his work buddies hang out for Sunday afternoon football.

    Get it? Screw him or loose him. That doesn't mean you have to let him rape you, you don;t have to let him put it in your butt if that's not your thing. But god damn, you can't be too busy, too tired, or too stressed all the time and then act surprised when you find his cell phone directory contains the numbers for a dozen women with only their first names in it.

    Me, I'll never let it get that bad to where I have to cheat on the woman I fell in love with. I'll tell her things have to change. If they don't change or there hasn't been more than a half-assed attempt to give a shit, I'm bailing before the relationship completely implodes.

    ReplyDelete
  55. massive post-modern femnazi hate in this comment section... I think people are missing the point of this article. I will say communication is key, for both sides... make your needs/wants known, if either party wont fill these needs or come to a middle ground there is going to be an issue and most likely a angry frustrated relationship/marriage. Everyone has a "duty" in a relationship to fill their partners wants and needs, both the man and the woman. If you dont want to fill this duty why are you in the relationship, why do you wonder your partner resents you and you have lost all value to them. People are free to think i'm a "bad man" or "woman hater", but i ensure i am neither, BUT i am honest and unafraid to speak my mind...also dedicated and willing to put effort into the things i do. - my 2 cents

    ReplyDelete
  56. It may not be important to you, but your point absolutely agrees with the God (as He tells us in His Word). 1 Cor 7:1-5 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Ok what if you're pregnant and married? You had sex two days ago and two days later he wants sex again. But you deny him due to morning sickness. Does that make it right for your husband to get angry even after you showed him affection throughout the day and called him out on trying to make me his wife have sex even after I said no?

    ReplyDelete
  58. ok people, have have researched the crap out of these types of topics, along with women and blowjobs. All these mens and womens mags are so one sided and rearly give good avice. I never turn my boyfriend down cause im angry over something stupid, however, I will over breaking my trust or betraying me in some manor. But I will go above and beyond to please him as he does me but that comes from good communication. No man wants to force his woman he loves to have sex, but denying him of it cause you are pissed over dishes is bad just as forcing a woman to use her body in a way that she isnt ok with. I am a rape victim of brutal force so sometimes certian things trigger flashbacks, night terrors and so on but he understands this and wont push for something im not ok with, I also get huge softball size cyst on my overies which will put me in the hospital cause of pain, and sex during this is ungodly painful and he will not even bring up sex cause he doesnt want me to feel I have to he wants me to want to be with him. But I still will accomadate by giving oral which took some time and talking to each other to make it enjoyable for both of us. What men dont understand is when a woman isnt in the mood being touched in our no no places is extremly uncomfortable and violating this breaks trust as well. But if Im just not in the mood AT ALL I will tell him to touch himself as I make out with him and caress his chest and so forth while the masterbates. There is times he will ask for that cause we are both tired from work and im not in the mood. Its one of his favs because I want to be apart of it. Communication and respect are important. No one should EVER force someone to do something sexually that they are NOT ok with. Instead try and understand what your partner wants and find something you are both comfortable with. I do agree you shouldnt turn down sex cause of PETTY emotions. Men are physical and women are emotional. Men feel more connected to their partner during acts of physical contact where as women need to feel more emotion from their man to better enjoy the sex, keep in mind you are the only woman that he gets to get pleasure from and vice versa. sometimes we do need to suck it up as do they but never to a level of discomfort or there will be bad feelings and then no relationship at all. MEN understand you are inside of a woman, inside her body and what it must take for us to mentally get ourselves to give our body to you and when we are in pain, sick, prego and ect what that must be like to be violated in that way, forcing your way into someones body against their will, no man in love wants to do that but it is the womens job to figure something else out. GIVE AND TAKE, COMMUNICATION, RSPECT, UNDERSTANDING OF EACH OTHERS COMFORT LEVELS, TRUST!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete