Note: I've removed this post. I wrote it a few years ago and have since come to see that there are some problems with it - namely, the following two problems:
1. At a fundamental level, I think this post was telling women that they should be pushovers - or at least implying it. Telling women to support their husbands or boyfriends sexually is good advice for girls who already had strong personal boundaries, but it is questionable advice for a girl with weak boundaries.
2. I am not completely sure that it is a good thing for sex to be 100 % available to a man, even in the context of a relationship. A masculine man is a hunter by nature, and needs a degree of pursuit in his life - including his sexual life. I am extremely hesitant to tell women to actually withhold sex from their man, because this kind of behavior can too easily turn into bribery (which, for a relationship, is way more problematic then sexual boredom); but at the same time, I don't think advising women to be a living sex toy is perfect advice either. If I do find a way of quantifying what I think to be the right balance between those two extremes, I will write a new post about it.
In addition, I have a couple posts that make the good points without making the questionable ones. They are linked below.
You can read the original (though annotated) text of the post here: Never Say No to Sex
Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
2. The Analogy Between Sexual and Emotional Support
1. At a fundamental level, I think this post was telling women that they should be pushovers - or at least implying it. Telling women to support their husbands or boyfriends sexually is good advice for girls who already had strong personal boundaries, but it is questionable advice for a girl with weak boundaries.
2. I am not completely sure that it is a good thing for sex to be 100 % available to a man, even in the context of a relationship. A masculine man is a hunter by nature, and needs a degree of pursuit in his life - including his sexual life. I am extremely hesitant to tell women to actually withhold sex from their man, because this kind of behavior can too easily turn into bribery (which, for a relationship, is way more problematic then sexual boredom); but at the same time, I don't think advising women to be a living sex toy is perfect advice either. If I do find a way of quantifying what I think to be the right balance between those two extremes, I will write a new post about it.
In addition, I have a couple posts that make the good points without making the questionable ones. They are linked below.
You can read the original (though annotated) text of the post here: Never Say No to Sex
Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
2. The Analogy Between Sexual and Emotional Support
Great post sir. I too have made many posts regarding this simple act of reciprocity not based on equal trade, but based on the need of the gender. Women/emotional, Man/sexual.
ReplyDeleteI've written about women who treat sex as a 'chore', oblivious to the 'chores' men do to keep a relationship together. I've also written at length about the scourge of women who LJBF guys expecting all the emotional and platonic support without giving anything back in return.
This line struck that cord:"A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his wife's emotional ones. Conversely, a woman who neglects her man's sexual needs is like a man who neglects his wife's emotional ones. Think about that for a minute."
Again, excellent post. Women today really are growing up deficient in basic understanding of male/female interaction dynamics.
I don't know if a husband forcing his wife to have sex is ideal for marital bliss. I am a woman who's been married (now divorced) for more than two decades. I had to "put out" to keep the peace, for the last 10 years of the marriage my sex drive has disappeared completely and the sex was just another chore, only more unpleasant, my ex treating like shit didn't help.
DeleteOne night he was having a heart attack, had my children not being there, I would not have called the ambulance and let him drift into oblivion! Here's something for Andrew to think about!
Now that I am divorced my sex drive has come back!
I know not every body will agree, but sex is better when both parties enjoy it.
...because that is what the post is about - a man forcing his wife to have sex, and this being the proper state of affairs in a marriage.
DeleteI am sorry your marriage sucked, but it wasn't because you put out when it was difficult.
No, my marriage didn't suck just because I put out, there were a lot of other reasons. I take it that you think it's ok for a man to force his wife to have sex and that is the proper state of affairs of marriage, well, you'll be happy to know that in many parts of the world it is legal for a man to rape, verbally abuse,beat and kill his wife, that should make you very happy!
DeleteIf a man EVER forces me to have sex, he will wake up a eunuch. I don't need a man enough to put up with that bullshit.
Deleteto AnonymousNovember 25, 2012 at 9:26 PM
DeleteDo you seriously not understand what he is saying here? NO it is not ok for a husband to force his wife to have sex. Any guy that's not a total psychopath would not force sex on his wife no matter how bad he wanted it. Instead, he'll just feel extremely unhappy and unloved. And maybe seek solace elsewhere. That leads to a BAD marriage. Similarly, if a husband refuses to attend to his wife's emotional needs, she is not going to *force* him to. She will just be extremely unhappy and unloved. And maybe seek solace elsewhere. That too, leads to a BAD marriage.
Come on now, woman. Think it through.
This is going too far, people. If you think men and women are any different emotionally, you have NEVER been in a truly equal and trusting relationship. Every successful relationship is based off of equality.
DeleteI am a female and every man, buff or tiny, big or small penis, (yes, some ignoramuses think these factors play a role in sexuality) had equal or less of a sex drive than I. Women have sexual needs, too! Not just emotional needs. The reasons why a woman or a man would not want to fuck is because they are unhealthy either physically or emotionally, your relationship is shit, OR they just don't like sex. Yes, I have met men who were asexual. I don't get asexuality, personally, but I accept everyone's freedom to decide what they want to do.
Men and women, if you want more sex, get more sex. Don't hump your limp wife and call her a bitch for not getting in the mood. This is the most repressive and sure way to make sure she's NEVER in the mood (ever again).
@anon
DeleteYou're going too far IMO. Relationships are not only about
what women want or need, unless it's a girl-girl-couple.
Equality in a relationship is about equal human value,
not equal needs between sexes.
If you try to claim that men and women are emotionally the same,
you're going against every psychologist in the country and
have NEVER been in a relationship where each member is truly happy.
I check your blog every day and I am only disappointed when there is no new post. This post and the previous one are great, succinctly written and relevant to today's young women. Thanks for all your work.
ReplyDeleteMy bf says a "man knows he's being loved when he's getting sex". In the back of my head I used to consider this emotional blackmailing but now I just accept that these are his rules. It's actually a good thing that I always know how to make him happy. He's in a lot more difficult situation with me.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that the qualifier on this post is "when you're in a relationship..." I'd kind of like to know...what's a technique for saying no gently...in a way that doesn't make him feel rejected? For the early days of dating, when you don't really know where things are going, but he's clearly trying to put the moves on you...
ReplyDeleteYes, this refers to relationships only.
DeleteGood question. I'll think about it and make a new post.
Yes I second this question.
DeleteBecause watch out guy when you do make that leap to be with me exclusively, you won't be able to walk.... There will be no "No" if he's my man.
Just say "I want to, but I'm a woman and I need to be careful so I don't get hurt. Can we please wait?"
DeleteIf he says no then dump him.
Actually, if he says no, you should probably literally run.
DeleteBut seriously, I can't see any guy feeling really rejected if you put it to him like that. Frustrated maybe, but not hurt. It will probably stimulate his protective instinct to some degree.
--Anonymous February 8, 2013 at 11:52 AM
I'm a woman but I just state the boundary in a way for it not to seem like I'm pressuring the guy or that he's going to get it. Saying something like 'that's the type of thing I only do with a boyfriend. While we're still trying to figure this out, I have some other fund things we can do..." and then do what you're comfortable with. A lot of people seem to forget you don't need to go from kissing to sex. It seems a bit high schoolish but there are bases.
DeleteI've never had a guy not respect me putting out my requirement and have always gotten calls for another date.
If thgis post refers to a committed relationship i.e. marriage, then I am with you on this, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteNice new look by the way.
I agree. Within a committed relationship this advice works very well. However, when a woman is angry with her man, I'm not sure how much fun she'll be in bed. Positive emotions and sex are very closely allied for women don't you think?
ReplyDeleteM
I agree, which is why I suggested working on the acting skills
DeleteBy "acting skills", do you mean fake orgasm too? :)
DeleteBecause most women can have sex even if they're not in the mood, most can even enjoy sex which doesn't end in orgasm. But a lot of men love watching/hearing a girl orgasm. And if he's used to his gf having an orgasm almost every time, it will be pretty obvious that this is a charity fuck when she for once does not. You think most men don't mind?
It wouldn't bother me if it was a charity fuck. In fact, though the sex might not be as great (that time), I would love the fact that my girl was making that kind of effort for me. I definitely don't think a woman should fake an orgasm - ever, really.
DeleteIf I am inadequate, I want to know it, so that I can correct it. But in general, if a guy thinks he needs to give a woman an orgasm to satisfy her, he misunderstands female sexuality, and is also trying to hard.
Good question M, I was about to ask the same.
DeleteM
As a woman I have a simple answer to this one... If a man is not fully satisfied unless his woman orgasms, than make her have one, I have been there where I am giving it up because he wants it although I am not quite in the mood, but after so long he knows just what to do to drive me wild, and it is mutually satisfying. Make her want it. If you see that she is willing to give it up, make it worth it for her. What started off as a rough night and what you thought was gonna just be a quick mercy screw could end off a great, long night after all!!
DeleteAs a woman, it's hard to make an analogous connection between my emotional need and a man's sexual need. Awesome advice that I'll definitely keep tucked away for future relationships.
ReplyDeleteThis was really interesting. I like your blog for the male perspective, even though sometimes you come across a little harsh, as if you're deliberately making men seem like animals, to make us (women) afraid, to keep us submissive?. Are you trying to turn us on who dig the bad boys? Thanks a bunch, anonymous Andrew.
ReplyDeleteI'm on board with the attitude of this post -- but I think it only truly applies in the context of marriage and is evidenced in your post on Men and Sexual Variety. If not limited to marriage, this advice and conclusion flies in the face of your earlier post, in which your friend had this great girl who was always down for sex, yet he wanted it somewhere else!
ReplyDeleteYes I'm curious to know Andrew what you suggest the alternative should be such as in the the case of your friend, seeing as his girlfriend is following your advice and never says no to sex?
DeleteWhat do you suggest to a woman who is upset with something her honey did? If he had a fight with her or she felt he was being disrespectful and a few hours later, he comes around for some lovin' because he's forgotten about the disagreement....
ReplyDeleteI don't believe in rewarding bad behavior. Can you address that? I used to be one of those "never say no to sex" girls- but sometimes..it is necessary or you end up creating a monster. Boundaries, (appropriate ones) are healthy. I don't believe in taking an argument into the bedroom, but I don't believe in ignoring unresolved issues. And hey, even if the issues are resolved- women cannot switch off their feelings that may linger- needing a day or so to calm down...
Have angry sex.. seriously.. it worked for me. You probably need to be a Scorpio to be able to pull this off though.
DeleteMy guy was quite a bit shorter than me and liked my athletic body so showing him how strong I actually am by smacking him around a bit during put the energy to good use.
The funny thing is he started to recognize it and would realize he'd done something wrong and actually pay attention and fix it :)
After reading this post I became confused. There seems to be a contracdiction based off of the advise in this post and "men and sexual variety".
ReplyDeleteThe advise here is to never say no to sex under any circumstances, but the girlfriend in "men and sexual variety" seemed to be doing just that and more but the her boyfriend was wanting to be with another person because he was bored and ultimately didn't appreciate the good thing that he had.
So where is the balance?
What does a girl have to do to get the guy and keep him and be in a long lasting loving and meaningful relationship?
Saying no = sexually frustrated guy
DeleteSaying yes = not sexually frustrated guy.
He is gonna crave for variety anyway.
Only way i know that can lessens a mans need for variety is love:
According to a study, having men thinking about their loved ones, and then having them play a maze-like computer game, so it could be recorded what they looked at, resulted in the men spending less time looking at the pictures of attractive women on the walls of the maze, some even actively avoiding them.
However, keep in mind that being in love with their wife is not a male priority, but a female priority to incentivize commitment. Even though being in love is pleasurable to for a man, its not one of his cravings or needs. Being loved however, is a craving for women, incentivizing the women to have them act so a man gets in love with them.
Lacking that, have him sexually sated. A sexually sated man won't be thinking about sex, neither with you or anybody else. A fully sexually sated man will be actively repelled by sex.
To make it harder: Make sure to not become to predictable and boring in bed, else, he will be desensitized to your act.
Some studies have shown that the feeling of love in humans, both male and female, is very similar to the highs created by recreational drug use in chemical composition. these hormones are produced by the body to induce the feeling of love, in the hopes of creating commitment, and producing offspring. However, these hormones are no longer produced after three to five years of a relationship (incidentally, around the most common time of major breakups/divorces in long term relationships). This is thought to be because three to five years is around how long it takes to raise a child from infancy through its most vulnerable years.
DeleteIn short, both sexes need and crave the feeling of love. The difference is from the males' evolutionary need to produce offspring (sexual drive), preferably as many as possible, compared to the females' evolutionary need to ensure her investment (pregnancy) is protected during the months she will not be fully able to fend for herself.
Who is this advice for? Wife? Girlfriend? The girl that wants to be the girlfriend and ultimately wife? There needs to be specification in regards to the advice given. I am a single woman who "knows why I'm dating" and wants to be married.
ReplyDeleteDorothy 25yrs
"However, neither is it easy for your man to put down his work to listen to you vent about your bitchy coworker, remain emotionally stable in difficult times, lead and support the family, etc. - all of which are the kind of things most women want and even expect from a man."
ReplyDeleteThis is only expected in marriage. As others have pointed out, this post really only works in marriage. "Committed relationship" is pretty meaningless without actual commitment.
The problem is that most men now are trained to expect the kind of--for lack of a better way to describe it--sexual loyalty, without having given anything in return. Very few women would get away with expecting the things you've described in a "committed relationship."
But in marriage, within reason, what you've described is something women should keep in mind. Outside of marriage it's nothing but free prostitution.
I agree with this actually! Very few men under 27ish who have options are looking for commitment. Most of them appear to be thinking "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Those who choose a relationship do so to get steady sex with an attractive woman. If you're a twenty-something girl who got yourself a high quality man, you need to work to keep it going, even if you are very attractive. With the way the sexual market works now, very few men are looking for marriage before 30, and you can't make them. All the girls I know in long-term monogamous relationships are with a man way below their own league. There just aren't enough high quality men around, and if they commit, they expect a lot.
DeleteIn response to the comments above, yes, I was only advocating this attitude within the context if a relationship. I thought this was so obvious that it went without saying, but I will update the text of the post so that it is clearer.
ReplyDeleteThe last time I did what you're saying in this post, I felt like I had been raped by my own boyfriend...Ladies just say no!!!!! Whatever!
ReplyDeleteI agree completely. Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean my body is owned by anyone. Every time I try to have sex when I'm really not feeling like it, I don't enjoy it and because my partner is aroused by my own arousal, it becomes a long dance of no one being happy. Even with the best intentions, even when I want to make my boyfriend feel good, but I just don't feel like it, I can't get into it. After a while you can start feeling resentful.
DeleteGender reverse:
Delete"just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean i need to be your emotional tampon. Salesman at door refusing to leave? Wow, that sucks for you."
What you describe regarding the act is correct. Men get more aroused by seeing the womans arousal.
***SEXUAL EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS BELOW***
If you aren't aroused, make the clear to him, but also say that you still want to make him cum. He still is gonna want to make you horny. Let him try, there is a chance he succeeds. If he doesn't, it's good anyway.
(male writing this)
Start with handjob while he plays with your breast and kiss you. When he starts to get wet, rub some of it on your clit. Make sure he has full visual of how you rub yourself, and that he knows that you are making sure you see. Ask him if you likes to see it.
He will get horny. Keep going for 7 minutes. If you can't be bothered, keep doing it and raise the tempo. Chances are hell cum right there, if he was horny before the act.
To do it even better, slow down occasional so he can get more out of it.
Change to BJ with eyecontact. If you continue until you finish there, you are can done in 15 minutes and it will be great.
Or if you start feeling a bit moist, tell him to go all the way.
No rape feeling if you take command of your female sexual power. When it comes to sex, men are the weaker, needier sex.
Taking command of female sexual power is having consensual sex. Also, I don't see how an unwanted dick inside me is the same as me complaining about work to a guy I'm dating. It's not like I'm sticking my fingers down his throat while I'm bitching.
Delete@KELSEYSMASH,
DeleteNo one said anything about non-consensual sex. We're talking about consenting more (I disagree with Andrew over the word "never").
If you care about making your husband feel loved, you need to rarely say no to his physical needs. Just like if a husband cares about making his wife feel loved, he should rarely say no to her emotional needs.
You don't see how an unwanted dick inside you is the same as you complaining about work because you are a woman. This site explains it to you. For example, when a man is exhausted or otherwise feeling down/stressed, the idea of having a woman drown him in her emotional baggage of the day (while at the same time usually not accepting any of his advice) is downright unappealing. A burden. A chore. But only very rarely should he say "I don't feel like listening to you".
I think that the statement, "A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his woman's emotional ones." is a croc. I think it is better stated: A woman who attends to her man's sexual needs is like a man who attends to his woman's sexual needs (emotional can be substituted for sexual at any time) This statement relegates women to strictly emotional beings and men to stricly sexual beings, both unable to understand the needs of the other. Do you know how many times I've come home from work on a Friday after a 60 hour work week and had to listen to my husband talk about his car, job, friends, tv show, etc? I didn't really care about what he was saying but he did, so I listened. Sometimes I am too worn out and I ask him if I can be left alone to relax for a while before we talk. This has been reciprocated by him on a number of occasions as well. This is called compromise. I EXPECT the same understanding when it comes to my sexual needs. My sexual needs only arise about 3x per week. His arise more ofter. I EXPECT compromise. The opposite of which is: NEVER SAY NO TO SEX. The truth is that it doesn't really matter how often you have sex with your man, if he is a cheater, he's gonna cheat. If you want your relationship to last, you have to compromise. Would you cheat on your husband if he was too tired to listen to you as soon as he came home from working all day to support your family? I wouldn't. These things do not CREATE cheaters, they simply give them a good sounding excuse. They will however create resentment in a relationship. I find it best to talk about these things openly. A relationship is a constant negotiation. Because we are not animals, a healthy committed relationship is based upon an EMOTIONAL connection. This emotional connection SHOULD BE of top importance to both parties involved. Sex is a way of expressing this emotional connection, which can only exist with both willing participants. If you don't feel like having sex, how are you rationalizing that it is consensual. That's kind of part of the definition. Wake up ladies. You have as much of right to say no as he has to tell you he can't listen right now. It is his perogative to choose to exercise this right, as it it yours. But treating your husband like an animal that must be appeased in order to maintain his 'good behaviour' is insulting. Men are capable of higher understanding, love and compassion just as women are. He should respect you enough to accept no. This is a question of respect, not sexual needs.
Deletebeautifully said!
Deleteyes, i said no to my guy, because i just wanted to wait, as we had planned to get married soon.. he did not take it well, and flew off..
Deletei'm really sad coz our relationship was of 5 and half years, and he is such a stupid guy, that he is not talkin to me:(.. Hiding somewhr..
what an IDIOT!! n a JERK!!
But atleast i'm HAPPY, that i took my stand...
Thank god someone finally said it. this entire thing sounds like men trying to tell women that if they say no to sex, that he will look elsewhere/cheat/ be unhappy etc. I know plenty of men who actually refuse sex all together or say no depending on their mood, women should be extended that same respect. Talking to your partner does not even compare to having to unhappily give your body to a man, marriage or not. Women do so much for men that they dont enjoy, washing, cleaning, working, listening, cooking etc. (Obviously doesnt apply to all women but most) so yes we can lend them an ear in return because we care about their happiness. If my girl said no to sex because she wasn't in the mood I sure as hell wouldn't feel unloved, because she does so much for me. Obviously if it was a thing she was never in the mood for I'd try to find out why and work through it together but NO WOMAN should feel pressured into "never saying no to sex". If you can't keep a man without sex, believe me he wouldn't have stayed with it. Im not saying always refuse, but you are entitled to compromise as much as us men are. We need an emotional commitment too, we are not animals. And we hold that very importantly in a relationship. If my wife didnt want sex one night I wouldn't want her to feel like she had to just to keep me around. Suggesting that we are animal like beings who if not sexually satasfied everytime by our wives, even if it hurts them that we will go elsewhere or feel unloved is insane. We have emotions too and can rationalize. We dont just assume no sex that night means our woman doesnt love us. Please dont take this to heart, you DO NOT need to unhappily give up your bodies to keep us. And as for finding your sexual power as a woman,UM NO. great if you naturally have it dont get me wrong, but you dont HAVE to make yourself want sex whenever we do. Women wont always want sex when their partner does and vise versa. Its about compromise and commitment. Its a partnership for life with another being, through thick and thin. Not a battle to force yourselves to have sex with us to have some companionship.
DeleteAmen. You work it out, like two loving people who respect each other.
DeleteWhat's a relationship? After three dates? After a year? After an engagement? Who decides...the guy or the girl? How could any of your readers possibly know when to start never saying no to sex? At what point does a girl who never says no to sex stop being a slut and start being a valued half of a committed relationship?
ReplyDeleteThe problem with people like you is that you want it both ways. You want something that looks almost exactly like marriage without either having to work for it or really even knowing how to get it.
A relationship is when both parties agree to not see other people and communicate that agreement to each other. A girl who never says no to sex is a slut when she does it outside of a relationship, and loyal when she does it inside a relationship.
DeleteI know in an earlier post you talked about men and porn, I have noticed my religious future husband (arranged marriage)is following porn stars on his google account. It really upsets me because I love him but I can't even communicate to him until a few years time. But should I still marry him? How can I get over what he is doing? It really hurts.
DeleteSo you are allowed to look at his google account but not talk to him? That doesn't seem fair...
DeleteIn any case, I'd say that either way you need to get used to the idea that men generally will like porn and looking at naked women. It's normal, even if it isn't ideal. Granted, it would be better to get a guy that is willing to try to stop looking at porn, rather than following porn stars on google, but guys like this are going to be rare.
If you're the guy or the girl, don't FAKE IT, if you're not in the mood just tell your partner something like "I had a really rough day, I would love to kiss and make out right now and see where that goes". That way they aren't feeling rejected, you aren't damaging the trust, and you most likely will start to really get in the mood and have phenomenal meaningful sex. Telling women to " never say no" can definitely be misinterpreted as a rule to deny your own desires/needs--whic would be a really sad take away. I hope instead the article was meant as advice to never reject your guy/girl and always try to meet them halfway if they're trying to demonstrate that affection towards you. BTW, if any man is ok with EVEN IF IT HURTS throw him back and lock the door, he's not worth keeping. I'm fairly certain 99.9% of the men I know would not be ok sleeping with their girl knowing this.
DeleteI definitely did not mean that you should only meet him halfway. And he shouldn't just meet you halfway when it comes to meeting your emotional needs. It's gotta be 100 % from both partners if it's going to work.
DeleteTo take it further, what's your take on give/receive oral?
ReplyDeleteI've dated a guy who really doesn't go down on me much. I'm clean, fully waxed - my ex loved to do it. Is giving BJs even if you don't get anything in return part of fulfilling his needs?
I love oral. Sex without ravaging a woman with my mouth is almost boring to me. It's gotta be in the mix. Other guys I've talked to have had varying interest in doing it, but none that I know of have ever said they hated or even disliked it.
DeleteTo answer your second question: yes. BUT, he should be fulfilling your needs too. It's kinda messed up that he doesn't do it. Try telling him you want it, and then reciprocate the favor if he wants it too (just ask him).
In relationships I've naturally behaved this way. I have a high sex drive, and the idea of withholding sex as a bargaining chip seems silly when we both know we both want to have sex. That being said, I've been routinely hung out to dry emotionally. You shouldn't give it 100% when he's only giving 50%.
ReplyDeleteI think knowing when to implement "Never Say No" is ambiguous, because despite agreeing to be exclusive, proposing, or even marrying, people will half-ass it if they think can get away with it (the principle of least interest at work). You'll have to rely on your own judgement on the timing of "NSN."
If you bet on too many mediocre hands, you'll bleed chips, and it won't mean as much when you go all-in. Better to wait for a really awesome hand, and go all-in.
The last man I dated said "It's gay when you're not in the mood and I am." I did suggest that we can still have sex, if I'm not in the mood at the moment. If he's refusing that, then what do you do? I did tell him that I was raised in a family where we women were taught that if you don't please your man, he will get it elsewhere. He then said "I'm not some animal." There were also times when I initiated sex, and he said he wasn't in the mood.
ReplyDeleteIf a man wants sex, I would also suggest to also know what turns his woman on and off. If I'm not in the mood, there are things to get me in the mood. Porn can instantly get me in the mood for sex, but my ex-boyfriend didn't like me watching porn either. Hmmm...
If he's refusing that, it's his problem. If he can't turn you on there isn't much you can do about it. If he doesn't correct that attitude, I'd give 'im the boot.
Delete"And with all of the lubricants available, equally poor are excuses about "not being in the mood."
ReplyDeleteAndrew, might I add that lubricant isn't always enough to get a woman's vaginal muscles to relax to allow penetration? The arousal has to come from within for some women, and a woman's body lets her know if she's ready for penetration or not.
The plus side is that you can do other sexual acts that don't involve penetration, like oral sex. Men think that we women don't enjoy giving blowjobs( a discussion at HUS involved men thinking that women only give bj's to satisfy men), but that's garbage. I prefer giving oral sex over regular penetration. Some women do get naturally very turned on by that act.
Point taken. As far as the oral sex thing goes, not all women like it. I've heard women complain that they don't like it, and more men complain that they aren't getting it.
DeleteYour enthusiasm will make some guy extremely happy ;)
Haha, thanks. Sure, a lot of women aren't crazy about giving oral sex. But, it's not fair to assume that we're all like that. Just like some men love going down on a woman, some men think it's gross.
DeleteFor those that can't comprehend how a woman gets turned on by giving a blowjob, let's just say that there is something very exciting about putting your man's member in your mouth, especially when you're wildly attracted to him. It's like licking an ice cream cone, lol.
Some women don't like performing, but I imagine that nearly all like receiving oral sex. Its a pretty easy way to get your woman in the mood :)
Delete"Andrew, might I add that lubricant isn't always enough to get a woman's vaginal muscles to relax to allow penetration? The arousal has to come from within for some women, and a woman's body lets her know if she's ready for penetration or not."
DeleteEXACTLY THIS RIGHT HERE!
Exactly what I was going to say, Andrew guy who have "dated countless women". If you dated so much and don't even know how their vaginas work, you are kind of failing.
I agree! I'm sometimes surprised at how some american men and women don't understand foreplay at all. Some promiscuous men aren't skilled or sensual at all...it's just spread open and shove it in! Some of us need much more than that.
DeleteThis article is really worth reading, it has too much details in it and yet it is so simple to understand, Thanks for sharing .
ReplyDeleteGED Online
Since when is having sex a chore? I was under the impression that women enjoyed it too. Maybe not as bluntly, but still. *bewildered*
ReplyDeleteYes women do enjoy it, it's only a chore if one HAS to do it.
Delete"A relationship is when both parties agree to not see other people and communicate that agreement to each other. A girl who never says no to sex is a slut when she does it outside of a relationship, and loyal when she does it inside a relationship."
ReplyDeleteWhat is a girl who says no to sex (I'll define sex as 3rd base and Home, or oral and beyond) outside of a relationship, but during dating/outside of a relationship allows 2nd base (above the waistline but under the clothes, and both partners touching themselves to achieve orgasm)?
Somewhere in between a slut and a loyal girlfriend. WHERE in between depends on how well she knows him, trusts him, etc. I would say it is fairly neutral, but that is just my opinion.
DeleteSo, still has LTR potential from the guy's perspective? Esp. if he knows her number is low, her experience is low.
DeleteProbably, but guys don't all have the same standards for "slut" or "wife material." But I would say that if this guy you hookedup with is average in his views about relationships, then yes, he still can see you as long-term material.
DeleteHey Andrew-what if a partner doesn't meet your emotional needs? Is it fair to understand why one would lose sexual interest in their partner? I'm talking about name-calling, smothering, control, bad mouthing your partners parents, trying to isolate you, and the like. I don't think anyone would be turned on after being subjected to that. I usually have a high sex drive, but these behaviors decreased my sex drive.
DeleteDump him
DeleteYeah I agree
DeleteTo my fellow blog-reading ladies:
ReplyDeleteGet really good at giving head. Get in the habit of giving it, by default, whenever he starts pawing you and you're not feeling the P-in-the-V.
It will make your man so much happier. And if that's not reason enough, it will make your life so much better.
Just don't expect him to get up to anything productive for an hour or so afterwards. A good BJ is often like benadryl -- knocks them for six.
Are you honest about sexual performance? Or how honest are you?
ReplyDeleteI'm always 'positive' regarding a man's performance, but I won't outright lie. I can say "that was amazing" if it was great. Most guys I've been with have been quite articulate about it.
How 'reliable' is a man's response after sex? (minutes after or days after).
Sometimes I've been with a guy who's seemed quit inexperienced and if he's seemed overwhelmed, I have reason to believe him. But I suppose some people just try to flatter you as well.
I'm 'relatively' honest. How genuine are you and most of your friends?
I've become much more honest over time. If a guy is the type to compliment you all the time, do nice things for you, etc. he will probably try to make it sound like he enjoyed sex more than he really did. If the guy is kind of an asshole but usually honest, that will translate into the bedroom too. So observe how he behaves in normal life and that is also how he will be with you when he comments on your sexual performance.
DeleteI never say no, but it is backfiring on me. In all of my relationships I, the female have the higher sex drive. I'm the "anytime, anyplace, anyhow" girl with my partner. My belief is it's imperative you take care of your partner, sexually and emotionally. The problem is my partners have no problem saying no to me. I'm guessing since they think it's always available then somehow it's less desirable. I want to be authentic and not play games, but since I initiate 75% of the time I thought I should stop initiating and possibly say no a couple times to increase interest. This is role reversal is ridiculous, but since it has happened in most of my long term relationships I figure it's not about the guy it's about my making myself too available. I'm fit, clean, and attractive. Thoughts?
ReplyDeleteA woman taking sexual initiative to often can be a turn off for us guys, unless we have very very good emotional and verbal contact. It makes us insecure.
DeleteInitiate every 4th or 5th time, no more. If the relationship is not very hot at the moment, don't initiate more than once a month, when you are extra horny due to ovulation.
But do keep not saying no. If you are horny and want to initiate, make him horny by giving him signals. The less he consciously gets them, the better. Work subconscious "i am horny" signals.
For extra points, play hard to get after you have turned him on. When you finally "give in", go wild.
He will love it.
Hi would you think that a girl that has sex with a guy without being in a relationship is a slut? what if she has had sex with him and then they continue dating and says no to sex because she realized that it would be too easy for him without exclusivity, would that change his opinion of her? just would like your opinion as a guy. thanks
ReplyDeleteAl men categorize women as either sluts or wive-materials.
DeleteHowever, men are different in were they draw the line.
For me, as a practicing religious guy, being divorced more than 3 times is slutty, but religiously legal.
Extramarital sex is slutty at partner #1. Maybe MAYBE not if he marries that first guy, and stays married for 20 years.
Sex for a man is, what emotions are for women. Traditionally, men can give emotions for a while, to get sex, since it doesn't cost that much to give emotions for a while, whereas giving unprotected sex even one time can be very expensive.
However, after having given emotions for some time, men start wanting sex, eventually expect excepting it.
If the woman give sex, then the mission is accomplished, and he expects to receive it regularly from then on. It's the womans job to keep his emotions alive, if he values receiving them.
If she stops providing sex, he needs to see a reason for it.
"Wtf did i do? How can i undo it?"
", if SHE values receiving them."
DeleteUm, since when do men attend to women's emotional needs? We're expected to give it up until we're in our 90's but men stop listening to us(if they ever DID listen) oh, about four nanoseconds after "Hi, my name is Jane. What's yours?"
ReplyDeleteAlthough it's a bit of an exaggeration, I actually agree with this. Women are expected to tend to men's sexual needs more than men are expected to attend to women's emotional needs. Some men can't be bothered using women for anything but sex and have therefore created this illusion that "men cannot understand women anyway", as if it applies to all, so they needn't be bothered.
DeleteMen go on about women's nagging, obsessive behavior, even the author of this blog make comments about women need to 'get over it' and move on and that women who linger over past relationship problems "don't value themselves". A lot of people have these ideas that women's negative sides need to be changed, whereas men's negative sides "are what they are" so we need to just deal with it.
I have no problems having sex with a man two times a day if he's worth it. But how often do you meet a man who's worth it?
Bingo! Every woman knows that if she wants to talk about anything of substance, she goes to her girlfriends for that. My relationships have consisted of:
Delete7:00am: "Not now, can't you see I'm getting ready for work? Geez!"
6:00pm: "Not now, I just got in. Can't I get any decompress time? Geez!"
7:00pm: "Not now, can't a man eat in peace? Geez!"
8:00pm: "Not now, can't you see the game is on? Geez!"
11:30pm: "Hey, baby, how about a little somethin' somethin'?"
And I'm not supposed to EVER say no? F**k that!
Okay, let's not get so riled up we miss the point here.
DeleteWhat Andrew's saying is that the woman "never saying no" is contingent upon the man "never saying no." This means, if you need to vent (or whatever else), he stops and listens 100% of the time. Both parties have to be meeting each others' needs 100%. If one party is assenting 100% and the other party is assenting 0% of the time, this system fails- miserably.
This post more describes an ideal situation, rather than an mass-achievable reality. My guess would be that most couples who actively attempt equal reciprocity probably settle around the (both contributing) 50-70% mark.
Crispy, thank you. Well said.
DeleteI don't think you will find anywhere on this blog a suggestion that a man should have his dick sucked all day long without ever making an effort to take care of his woman. In fact, I think you will find exactly the opposite: We Have a Shared Responsibility
@Crispy,
DeleteYes. It's so obvious that is what he is saying. It's really weird that so many women can't wrap their heads around it.
I feel sad if I have sex without feeling loved at that moment or soon before it, even if the man is generally a good, caring guy. I just need a lot of affection to feel safe and connected so that the whore part of me starts coming out. And the sex isn't good without a certain kind of warm up that invariably takes effort on his part. I feel like it would do way more damage than good to put myself in a scenario where I felt I had to choose my boyfriend's sexual needs over my own emotional and sexual needs. Like it would be not honoring my feelings. ... What man wants a woman who feels that way? But you advise above having sex when you don't want to. ... I bet long term relationships are full of diminished sexuality, largely initiated by women. Is someone like me going to have problems down the road? ... And does it push men away? It didn't push my ex-boyfriend away, but I don't know if men can smell (and find unattractive) "high-maintenance" on me (though, if this is who I am, then what can I do about it, anyway? Maybe I just need someone compatible with that? ...) This is probably common to a lot of women. ... How much responsibility do you think men feel they have to create an environment that makes women want to be sexual? Would you want to be having sex with a woman who didn't really want to be there?
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I would really value your advice if you happen to have time to read this.
ReplyDeleteIn truth, I have seldom said no to sex. It's because I genuinely do have a high sex drive. The problem is that all the men I've dated haven't and it drove me insane. They didn't particularly care about pleasing me either. It made me feel so undesirable and I still have doubts over whether I am attractive enough to stimulate a man's sexual interest. I wonder what it is that I should have been doing that I didn't? I tried my best with them, I made lots of effort in bed and I never used sex as a tool for manipulation. Still, I don't know when I'll experience that feeling of being wanted sexually as well as emotionally.
I am still struggling to understand my ex's explanation of why he didn't want to have sex with me. He said "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you". What does it mean?
Possible meanings:
Delete1) He was highly religious, and meant it honestly. The fact that he needed to say it caused him to leave you.
2) An excuse for you not turning him on.
3) he was a ragingly promiscuous man with guilt from a religious past
4) It was sarcasm for "I'm not touching you, you skank".
I do not have enough information to know which one applies best to your case.
Stimulating a mans sexual interest is really easy if you have exclusivity, and he doesn't look at porn. You do:
A) nothing
B) repeat step A for 1 week
C) show your tits and grab his junk.
That will work unless your looks is actively repulsing, witch i doubt.
Which tell me that he either was getting something on the side. He was so sexually sated that he didn't get horny around you. It could also have been due to some medical condition.
Either that, or you were doing something that was actively putting him off. Men do get put off by females who are overly sexually aggressive.
Truth be told, my initial reaction to:
"I have too much respect for you to have sex with you"
...was "bullshit". If you want to see what i mean, try the gender reverse, were you say to him:
"I have too much respect for you to accept a commitment"
It's sounds like bullshit, because why would you ever need to actually say it, if you meant it?
Don't fall for mind games. Just keep reading this blogg, keep your standards high and you will be fine
Thank you. I actually found out the real reason was because he had a porn addiction and he couldn't get it up around me. It didn't start off that way that he didn't want to have sex. We'd just have sex and then he wouldn't want it again. It was weird. But you're right - keep standards high! That is the way :)
DeletePorn addiction is a marriage wrecker. I argue it's worse than being a notorious cheat who knows how to game his wife.
DeleteIf a man is chasing and getting other women, then he at least has pre-selection, which is a female turn on. A porn addict is, in the female way of categorizing men, just a loser.
Any thoughts on this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-men-do-to-ruin-their-own-sex-lives/
Specifically the part about using your GF/wife's vagina as your own personal prozac? Just seems unfair.
I want, need and enjoy having sex on a regular and frequent basis...however, he prefers self-love and is then too exhausted and has no desire for the real thing. It hurts me more than anything! So this original thread/post is not accurate for all but possibly 50% of men. It boggles me as to why men would prefer themselves over something real.
ReplyDeleteMost men don't. Have you tried considering whether or not you might be the problem? I am not accusing you since I don't know the situation, but from what I've seen and heard these things are usually the fault of both parties, not just one.
DeleteI should elaborate on that. Perhaps he isn't attracted to you anymore because you've started to be bossy or have cut your hair short or gained weight. Maybe you did these things because he became a slob or stopped taking charge of the household, but if both of you are being lazy, the cycle continues and he will be pushed even further into his world of masturbation and pornography. If you talk to him and make a special effort to regain his attraction, and he makes a special effort to stay away from the porno, then it might be possible to get back on track. This is the kind of thing a marriage counselor could probably help with more than a blog online.
DeleteI am a woman here and i semi agree with this. But there should be a part added in on when the other party is denying emotional support while you are still offering sex. The roles can be reversed here. I have been in a relationship for 5 years where my bf didnt work, didnt clean and provided little emotional support while expected sex or his mood would go sour. I did it for 5 years until i wised up. For women, if a man isnt doing the same back dont waste your time making him happy f you arent.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the sentiment of the post, what Id say is that women need to understand that a man's need for sex is not as entwined with emotion as a woman's. A man needs sexual release as an expression of freedom in a world where men are burdened by responsibility.
ReplyDeleteAn argument three hours ago between him and his wife doesnt change this but for a woman it can deeply affect her sexual desire for him.Men need to realise a woman's desire is related to her emotional wellbeing.
The bottom line is that men and women who take care of each others differing needs and make efforts to understand each other will be happier emotionally and sexually.
What about this scenario? What if you never really had a high sex drive to begin with but things seemed to be relatively fine. Then baby#1comes along and that sex drive is even less. And it was mentioned that it was a problem. It was hard to make the effort being full time mommy and working full time. I'm always tired. Now I'm pregnant again and its even more of a problem that we fight about all the time. Now what?
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a tough situation. I've found that people don't have GENERALLY low or high sex drives, they just are more or less compatible with different partners. So if you are with someone that turns you on, you will have a high sex drive with him, whereas you will have a low one with someone who doesn't arouse you.
DeleteIt sounds like your husband doesn't arouse you. I would start asking yourself why, and what kind of men DO arouse you, then move on from there.
But this does sound like a question that is better suited for someone more qualified in marriage counseling.
Hi Anonymous -
DeleteThere are quite a few women who post at marriedmansexlife.com who have similar stories. Go into the forum and introduce yourself. It's a pro-marriage site, and the people there are generally working to save and strengthen their marriages. Even if you don't want to post, go explore (particularly the 911 Emergency Relationship Advice category) since the comments contain advice/insight for the spouse who has lost interest in or attraction for the other.
Well, when you never had an OK sex-drive, it's going south after having children and you are tired all the time, you could have hypothyroidism.
DeletePlease check:
http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/long-and-pathetic/
Thanks I will look into that
ReplyDeleteSo what if your man is the one that is always saying no. I'm 22, petite weigh 130 (have gained 5 lbs, damn holidays) have long curly brown hair and boobs that are F. My 28 year old boyfriend of 1 year 8 months (and living with for the past 4 months) does not want sex at all. I beg, tease, tempt, dress, flirt, try to liven up sex ANY way that I can ( different places, positions, parts of my body, different clothes, lotions, lubes, music, candles, freaking everything damn it). Nothing works. We go weeks without sex (19 days is the longest). When and if we do have sex I want it to last longer and I want him to hit different areas, touch me down there or for god sakes let me use a clit vibrator (apparently I find the one guy not interested in bondage toys or seduction). I tried to talk to him about it, he was supposed to have his testosterone levels checked and made an appointment and "forgot" to go. As of lately I just cry after he is asleep. I don't know if it's me or if it is about him. I NEED SEX! It is an important factor in a relationship, and I've told him that too. I love him with every part of me, and I don't want to give him up. But this is honestly ripping me apart.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear of your situation,have you asked him straight out why he doesn't want to? Its better to get a definitive answer rather than become depressed and lose self esteem.At least then you try to resolve the situation.
DeleteI have tried and he says " I am tired after work." Uhhh be tired all you want, you have time before we got to bed to get in the mood, at the very LEAST, 4 hours to relax and be jolly. Am I mistaken? Should I just sit back and wait for something to click with him? Is there something that I can do when he gets home to relieve some stress? Does anyone know any tricks?! Can some one give me an idea on WHY he is like this (from a guys perspective?)
DeleteIs it that I work 12 hr shifts and am not home all the time?
This one is a little beyond my realm... I suggest getting advice from a good sex therapist; however, as the commenter above pointed out, calm, rational communication is probably another step in the right direction.
DeleteMy partner of 5 years had bipolar disorder and would go through periods of no sex drive for several months. I didn't realize he had this disorder until we were together about a year. Other times, during manic periods, he was initiating sex several times a day. So.. sometimes lack of sex drive has nothing to do with you, but the person's mental state. I'm not sure if this is true in your case.. but, whatever the reason, I feel for you and know it can have a big impact on a relationship.
DeleteHm. Do guys go through a phase that they lose all interest in sex? I was told this is true around 35 but really? He's not even 30! I have talked to him and he says "I'm tired". This was just last night. He can not come up with another reason. I know his body reacts but his mind is not there. It was in the beginning and now its poof gone. I just don't even know how to go about breaking up with him.
DeleteAndrew he does not even want to go to a therapist. I asked. He laughed and walked away. That night I once again cried myself to sleep after being rejected. I have tried asking him as I said above all he responds with is "I'm tired" for god sakes if he says that again I will slap him. I think if he said "I'm cheating" I would feel better. Then I would have a legit reason to break up with him.
Hi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how long your blog has lasted on this issue, but then again it's no surprise as we all try and figure out this "thing called love...or sex"...well, you know what I mean.
I'm a 27 year old woman and I love my sex. I do however disagree with you on putting out when I don't feel that I want to. A great number of men that I've come across tend to be self-centered when it comes to sex and a great number also tend to be oblvious to how their woman feels (emotions at the time).
I give my man 100% of my attention, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I dress in sexy underwear and clothes to keep his attention (although this may also be accompanied by unwelcomed attention from other man), but I do my part.
The only thing that I have a problem with is when my partner cannot take me saying no to sex with him. It drives me completely mad. I think at times it's childish behaviour and really unnecessary and it puts pressure on me, not to mention insecurity on the man's part.
I don't know what the big deal is about not having sex for one or two nights.
I maybe talking out of my nose right now, but this is just how I feel about it. As a result, if my man behaves in the manner as I described above, I just dont have sex with him until I feel like it. It may take 2-3 days until he rectifies his attitude and understands that no means no, it does not mean that I don't love you or that I'm not interested in him at all.
N.
Consider your attitude using the analogy I described in the post:
Delete"I'm a 27 year old man and I love my emotional connection with my wife. I do however disagree with you on supporting her emotionally when I don't feel that I want to. A great number of women that I've come across tend to be self-centered when it comes to their emotions and a great number also tend to be oblivious to how their man feels about constantly having to be their 'rock' or sounding board.
"I give my woman 100% of my support, sexually, financially, physically. I struggle to be strong at all times, even when difficult situations arise (although this may also be accompanied by unwelcomed attention from other woman), but I do my part.
"The only thing that I have a problem with is when my partner cannot take me saying no when I don't want to be emotionally there for her. It drives me completely mad. I think at times it's childish behaviour and really unnecessary and it puts pressure on me, not to mention insecurity on the woman's part.
"I don't know what the big deal is about ignoring her problems for one or two days.
"I maybe talking out of my nose right now, but this is just how I feel about it. As a result, if my woman behaves in a needy manner, I just avoid intimate conversations with her until I feel like it. It may take 2-3 days until she rectifies her attitude and understands that no means no, it does not mean that I don't love you or that I'm not interested in her at all."
Sounds like he is a selfish asshole right? That is how you sound to him too.
LOL~ I love this!!!
DeleteI don`t need a man to support me emotionally. I`m in the military and can most definitely handle myself. But I understand the point.
ReplyDeleteThis is disgusting. Period. I say no when I want to whoever I want. I don't need emotional support from some motherfucker who doesn't respect me.
ReplyDeleteLuckily all the men I've ever dated are nothing like this. If there are any women taking this shit seriously, just know that there are a lot of men out there who are the opposite of this. Don't settle for dickbags.
I hate it when women dump their silly emotional detritus on me and expect me to be there for them. Period. I say no when I want to whoever I want. I don't need sex from some crazy bitch who doesn't respect me.
DeleteLuckily all the women I've ever dated are nothing like this. If there are any men taking KELSEYSMASH seriously, just know that there are a lot of women out there who are the opposite of this. Don't settle for psycho.
Kelseysmash and the anonymous 1:25, I agree! I don't know why the author come up with that women always need emotional support from men. Hello, I encounter lots of single parent women who can support themselves and the children without having a man. I am even with few relationships that I didn't demand any support from men. And even for sufficient sex there are men who still ignores and take their women for granted. So what's with the shit that this lots of effort should be practiced by women? Why are you imposing that women should be the ones who always should try to please you??? If you want and try to find someone else who can do this shit then go do it, if women will also keep on finding someone else, she will surely find a man with respect. If not, then there's no problem, lots of freedom being a single!
ReplyDeleteWomen don't ALWAYS need emotional support from men, and men don't ALWAYS need sexual support from women. But usually this is the case.
DeleteAndrew, this must be one hell of a frustrating site to run.
if you can't comprehend this analogy, and you feel like you don't need any emotional support from men, then just replace "emotional" with whatever the hell you do need. and if you can't think of anything, then why the hell are you married? and if you aren't married, then this post doesn't apply to you.
DeleteThis blog is BS. I'll have sex when I want to and if I don't want to I won't. How's that! If I'm not in the mood I shouldn't have to force myself to have sex with my boyfriend or husband nor should they expect me to if they truly love me. If they are a man of strength, love, and integrity, they will not go seek sex elsewhere, they will wait until I'm damn well good and ready. Whoever wrote this is an ASS!
ReplyDeleteGender reverse:
Delete"This blog is BS. I'll give my woman economical support and protection when I want to and if I don't want to I won't. How's that! If I'm not in the mood I shouldn't have to force myself to give economical support or protection to my girlfriend or wife nor should they expect me to if they truly love me. If they are women of strength, love, and integrity, they will not go seek economical support or protection elsewhere, they will wait until I'm damn well good and ready. Whoever wrote this is an ASS!"
Of course, economical support and protection will not be provided no matter if she is starving or enduring a physical attack, if i do not feel for it. If she is strong, loving and full of integrity, so she will just fucking sit still and wait until i feel to give her food or repel the attacker.
I'm sorry, but people do not date people for "economical support" unless they are assholes. This has nothing to do with women or men. Have fun getting dumped when you lose your job.
DeleteIt's 2015 people. Woman do not require economical support from men and many of us are independent enough to deal with our 'female emotions' on our own. it's incredibly insulting that everyone on here assumes all women need is emotional and financial support in a marriage. How many women out there are working currently?? The majority. Also dealing with the expectations of being key caregiver, caretaker and sexual object? Makes marriage sound pretty fucking awful. NEWS FLASH: these male roles you describe are becoming more and more obsolete. Both genders have similar needs and furthermore each individual has unique needs.
DeleteSex is NOT the equivalent to money or emotional support. It is incredibly emotional and physical demanding,
More than anything else a person can do... we should all want to do it justice. When it's good, when both partners are feeling passionate and aroused it can be amazing. Why settle for anything less than that?? What's the difference between emotionless or passionless sex and jerking off? Sex with an unaroused partner can cause physical pain and yeast infections- vaginas are delicate parts of our bodies and need to be respected.
It shouldn't be a fucking bartar system! All the various needs of each person should be approached and tended to to the extent deemed possible by the partner.
I'm in need of some advice. The guy that I'm seeing is a nympho and wants to have sex 3-4 times a day. If I'm on my period he expects to get head 3-4 times a day. Each session lasts at least an hour. I work a full time job and he's currently out of work and doesn't seem to realize i have other things to do in a day as well. He expects me to always be horny and throws huge fits if i say no. I've had him cuss me out after round three because I didn't want to go again and he did. The sex is always focused solely on him and his pleasure. When we first meet I was equally into it but over the past years my desire to be with him has died and i dread sex with him. How do i talk to him about this without offending him?
ReplyDelete"The sex is always focused solely on him and his pleasure."
DeleteSeriously? And you're providing for him as well? Dump.
Don't worry about him. Stand your ground.
DeleteBut I agree with the above comment. Having a selfish lover can really wear you down. I think you should get out for the sake of your wellbeing.
if you swears at you for not have sex with him leave him, he is controlling and abusive.
ReplyDeleteThis question might sound a little stupid, but define "lingerie?" I think all of my underwear is sexy and feminine, and I don't buy underwear that isn't sexy or feminine. So is "lingerie" just my underwear, then? Is there something more special that I need to "slip into?"
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Elizaveta... that question sounds a little stupid.
ReplyDeleteI agree and disagree.
ReplyDeleteI have actually thought along these lines before and compared a woman's emotional needs to a man's sexual needs, so I do agree to an extent.
However, I think this applies more to couples who are committed, yet not completely in love. I say this because when a man really loves a woman, he is more comfortable with his emotions around her and relies on her for supports, just like when a woman really loves a man, she is more aroused by him and more comfortable with him in the bedroom.
I think "never" say no to sex is a bit strong. Why? Because while there is definitely a strong comparison between a man's sexual needs and a woman's emotional ones, there is a difference.
Aside from the obvious ones, such as that sex can be painful, exhausting, degrading etc for a woman, there are also other connotations such a her self-respect, her social standing etc. These things are not so present in the act of listening to somebody vent, even if it might be a chore.
Now, I experimented with this in my relationship several weeks ago. My boyfriend, like most men, is highly sexual and he doesn't deal well with me saying 'no'. Often he will guilt-trip me, become insecure or become concerned that the passion has died from our relationship (and we do have sex 3-4 times a week at least, so it's never a terrible sex life).
So I decided I would go for an entire week where I would not say "no" at all, regardless of how I was feeling, and not only that, but pretend I was very much into it (as he hates when I'm not in the mood, he can't actually finish), and see if it made a large difference on the amount that we argue.
As it was, we didn't have one singular fight all week.
However, by the end of the week, I had some resentment for him. I felt very used, felt like our relationship was entirely physical, lost my sex drive entirely, even though it was all entirely consensual on my part.
I do not think "never" is healthy for these reasons.
In saying that, I do think women should make more effort to get in the mood. It's harder for women because we're not so visual as men. My boyfriend only needs to look at me or touch me and he becomes aroused. I need a lot more than that to get in the mood, including emotional and psychological factors.
As a general rule, I say 'yes' MOST of the time and I'm happy to experiment with almost anything. I won't say 'yes' is I'm ecxeptionally tired or ill,
OR if I'm very mad with him.
I don't mean about little things like he didn't call me when I asked him to or he forgot to get something at the shop that I really needed. Angry sex or make up sex will do for most things.
I just mean about really bit things, because I'm hardly going to 'put out' when I'm not in the mood if I feel he has been mistreating me. Which I think is fair enough.
I also do not think any man who respects his woman and really loves her would expect her to put out ALL the time. He might wish she were as sexual as him, but if he cares for her, he's going to respect if she's had a rough day or is feeling unwell or something.
ReplyDeleteI mean, women don't unload ALL our emotional baggage on our male partners. We have our friends for a lot of it.
And no, having friends to unload emotional baggage on is not like him cheating on her for sex. It's more like him masturbating. She's hardly going to vent to herself, is she?
Her going to a male friend and getting emotional comfort and ending up getting physical is like him cheating on her for sex.
I think it should be more like "Say no to sex as little as possible whilst in committed relationships, especially while he is looking after your emotional needs".
And side notes should be that she should make more effort to make herself in the mood, even when she's really not feeling it.
She should reward emotional support with great, readily available sex (except for very special circumstances), and when he is NOT taking care of her emotional needs, she should only have sex when she wants to until he's learned to be a more supportive boyfriend.
Because honestly? "Never" say no sounds a bit rapey and it's hardly realistic to expect a woman to feel okay about having sex when she has the flu, or hasn't slept in 26 hours, or is reeling because last night he called her some very nasty things and made her cry etc.
Lmao! whoever wrote this is clearly living in the stone age.
ReplyDeleteWow, I guess it doesn't pay to try to speak your mind or give advice. As read and skim over this blog, I am amazed at the responses from this initial post. Bottom line, you can choose to do what you want with that information. Women struggle to understand men and wonder why. You are given free advice to think about and you immediately attack it. Ironically, the last post I read refers to someone living in the stone age. Hate to break your disillusions my spoiled bunch of women, but life isn't about fairly tale's and princes. We live in a society where girls are raised to expect all these magical things to happen at points in their life. Reality check.. unicorns and rainbows don't exist. Men are dogs... yes all men! Sex isn't the same for men and women. There are certainly psychological affects for women for a one night stand or during a real marriage-relationship. Another point that women often change after having marriage and having children. They often view sex as chore because the baby making part is over. Men have a physical drive and need for sex. It's more of a hormonal animal instinct type behavior that's hard to explain. As a man that's been married closer to 20 years, I will say that marriage-relationships take a ton of work from both sides. It's a give and take situation. I have also done more than my fair share of cleaning, cooking, working, and raising our children. I have consistently watched my wife deny me sex for various reasons. I'm not telling anyone they have to do anything. I would ask you to curb your presumptions and think about it from his perspective. He has an absolute terrible day or week. The only positive thing he can picture is that time at night where he gets to cuddle up and spend time making love to his soft gentle woman. He approaches her and she gets snippy and says.. "I am not in the mood". Why? Cause something trivial happened. He didn't notice her new outfit or haircut or it might have been he forgot something. Women often use sex as a means of motivation or negotiation. I am not pussy whipped so I can say that doesn't work for me. The more I see this happen, the more I shake my head and walk away. You show me a women who has a bf or husband that has worked to give her everything and she still controls sex to manipulate him, and I will show you someone who should expect infidelity. No you shouldn't be a stiff corpse so he can "get his stuff done" or "finish". I would ask, is it too much for you to think about what he does and wants. Can you stop for a minute and focus on him yes that means forgetting the other 100 things you are thinking about Do you really need to have the "perfect mood"? Who got you in the bad mood? Can't you try to get in a good mood? Most the time, it's easier to say NO, then to say well maybe I could used some sex for relieving all this stress. I do believe that if a woman had to live in a man's body, they would realize how crazy it can feel needing sex. There has to be a medium ground somewhere in the middle for relationships. I think most of you can agree as you started your relationship, there was plenty of sex. As life went by and things change kids, job, work, sports, aging parents, siblings, health issues he still has this inner drive for sex. Talk to each, communicate with him.
ReplyDeleteFor some of you, I am sure you will immediately attack what I put. For others, maybe you will take my words with a grain of salt and it might help in some way.
Okay well my boyfriend of 4 years is the father of my two children. we have great sex usually every two days. sometimes when I'm being a bitch he will withhold sex from me and if he is being an ass i will wwithhold from him. i think we both want sex and emotion equally. But anyways my brother apparently talked to my boyfriend one day in the middle of a week with no sex. My brother came to me stunned that my old man withholds sex from me. he said " that takes a certain kind of man, i can't even look at a female without wanting it." He then asked if wen he withholds do i want to cheat. i said yes of course but i never would ruin what we have going for us
ReplyDeleteplus i wouldn't enjoyment from another man anyways because i love him... is this really that crazy? Why does my brother act like its such a big deal?
Andrew - I'm 48 and was married for 21 years. We have been apart for for seven years now and I've had two serious relationships since and every fiber in my being says that you nailed it with this post. I would strongly suggest that men and women read this every so often. Men need to listen and women need to show sexual interest for a relationship to have a chance.
ReplyDeleteIt's a lie that a gal only needs to make sure that her husband is not getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere by never saying no and she will receive his sexual attention for life. I've known many gals that never say no and many of them were cheated on..repeatedly. I find it's not about the amount of sex or not even the quality of sex but whether there is a happy and healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteAs for her not being in the mood being a poor excuse since there is lubricant it seems that in your opinion sex is solely for his benefit as there's absolutely no appeal to him on getting her into the mood just lubricate her and bust a nut. If that's the case then why does her consent to it even matter and why not just advocate rape? Despite your backtracking it seems gals do exist for guys sexually gratification if they should never say no and whether they are aroused or desire the sex is completely irrelevant as it's all about him.
I do enjoy the insights on the male mind though as it certainly explains why it seems most of the married women I know are miserable which isn't uncommon going by studies showing most married women are unhappy and gals tend to be the first to bail out of marriage.
It isn't a lie that taking care of your man sexually will ensure his fidelity, assuming that your relationship began with the correct intentions and attitudes from both parties. If the relationship is based upon meeting some unmet psychological need (usually scars from our childhood) instead of mutual respect and true consideration, then the likelihood of maintaining that relationship greatly decreases without serious psychological work.
DeleteIt's been my experience that many seek out or end up in relationships that mirror past trauma, maybe in an unconscious attempt to heal unrecognized emotional wounds. I'm no exception... However, as I learn to recognize these destructive patterns, I've come closer to sharing a truly fulfilling relationship.
Also, worrying about if your man is going to jump ship almost guarantees him to do so. I agree with this article whole-heartedly, and would like to add that this strategy coupled with true sexual confidence and refusing to ever become jealous guarantees that your man will not stray. I actually enjoy watching attractive women flirt with my significant other; it validates my choice, massages that masculine ego and usually makes for an incredible night of play when we get home. Plus, it's less work for me in making my guy happy.
It takes nothing to get a man aroused, you could be wearing your least sexy PJ's and we'll get hot for you. For women, there is some magic chemistry that has to take place, and once the relationship has solidified over some time, we almost always are the ones who have to initiate sex. If we don't get the timing just right, we're stuck sneaking off to some secluded room with the laptop and a box of cleanex.
ReplyDeleteYou had a rough day at work and just need to decompress, oh but wait, you just finished dinner, now you have a full stomach and it's no fun to have sex on a full stomach. But now that dinner has settled for a bit, you've gotten really into this weeks real housewives of wherever. Oh, your bad reality TV is all cough up on the DVR? maybe now is the right time, but nope, now you're tired and it's time for bed, if you have sex now you wont be able to fall asleep. That's okay, maybe I'll get lucky tomorrow, I'll just have to take care of these blue balls myself. Only tomorrow, it's the same thing, hard day at work, full tummy after dinner, a different bad reality TV show, and then off to bed. For use, another night with the laptop in the guest room with the cleanex, that's okay, there's always the weekend, surely she'll be in the mood with no pressure from work, and the whole day at her disposal. Oh , I see, it's been a tough week, you just want to relax. you just want one day to yourself. There's always sunday right? Well, we're not out of cleanex at least. Here it is, Sunday, at last she's had every thing she needed, one relaxing day to herself. Only, shit! look at all these chores we need to do! we better do them now or this place is gonna be a mess all week. Finally, the chores are done, dinner's not for another hour, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! Well shit, now she's exhausted. She's beat, all she can muster is enough energy to pour a glass of wine. Then dinner, Full tummy, and we'll just repeat the whole no-fucking week over again!
Here's the solution, You're gonna plan it out in advance. Which day is best for both of you. You always finish up work early on Thursdays, and it always seems to be your least stressful, we'll do it then! This goes on a few months, before long it's 4:30 in the afternoon and you get in your car dreading that another Thursday is here and you have to go home and fuck your husband yet again.
Before long you slip into the same rut your were in. After a while your husband doesn't even try anymore. You just assume that he's got a fleshlight and takes care of his own business, and you don't even care anymore because he's not bugging you to fuck all the time. He probably does, and did for at least a while. But your Hsband cant get the emotional satisfaction that he needs from his flesh light. He needs to feal a human being, he neads to hear her moan and squirm. a fleshlight can't do that, But you know who can? That woman he sees jogging by in yoga pants every morning when he leaves for work. The bar tender where him and all his work buddies hang out for Sunday afternoon football.
Get it? Screw him or loose him. That doesn't mean you have to let him rape you, you don;t have to let him put it in your butt if that's not your thing. But god damn, you can't be too busy, too tired, or too stressed all the time and then act surprised when you find his cell phone directory contains the numbers for a dozen women with only their first names in it.
Me, I'll never let it get that bad to where I have to cheat on the woman I fell in love with. I'll tell her things have to change. If they don't change or there hasn't been more than a half-assed attempt to give a shit, I'm bailing before the relationship completely implodes.
massive post-modern femnazi hate in this comment section... I think people are missing the point of this article. I will say communication is key, for both sides... make your needs/wants known, if either party wont fill these needs or come to a middle ground there is going to be an issue and most likely a angry frustrated relationship/marriage. Everyone has a "duty" in a relationship to fill their partners wants and needs, both the man and the woman. If you dont want to fill this duty why are you in the relationship, why do you wonder your partner resents you and you have lost all value to them. People are free to think i'm a "bad man" or "woman hater", but i ensure i am neither, BUT i am honest and unafraid to speak my mind...also dedicated and willing to put effort into the things i do. - my 2 cents
ReplyDeleteIt may not be important to you, but your point absolutely agrees with the God (as He tells us in His Word). 1 Cor 7:1-5 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
ReplyDeleteOk what if you're pregnant and married? You had sex two days ago and two days later he wants sex again. But you deny him due to morning sickness. Does that make it right for your husband to get angry even after you showed him affection throughout the day and called him out on trying to make me his wife have sex even after I said no?
ReplyDeleteok people, have have researched the crap out of these types of topics, along with women and blowjobs. All these mens and womens mags are so one sided and rearly give good avice. I never turn my boyfriend down cause im angry over something stupid, however, I will over breaking my trust or betraying me in some manor. But I will go above and beyond to please him as he does me but that comes from good communication. No man wants to force his woman he loves to have sex, but denying him of it cause you are pissed over dishes is bad just as forcing a woman to use her body in a way that she isnt ok with. I am a rape victim of brutal force so sometimes certian things trigger flashbacks, night terrors and so on but he understands this and wont push for something im not ok with, I also get huge softball size cyst on my overies which will put me in the hospital cause of pain, and sex during this is ungodly painful and he will not even bring up sex cause he doesnt want me to feel I have to he wants me to want to be with him. But I still will accomadate by giving oral which took some time and talking to each other to make it enjoyable for both of us. What men dont understand is when a woman isnt in the mood being touched in our no no places is extremly uncomfortable and violating this breaks trust as well. But if Im just not in the mood AT ALL I will tell him to touch himself as I make out with him and caress his chest and so forth while the masterbates. There is times he will ask for that cause we are both tired from work and im not in the mood. Its one of his favs because I want to be apart of it. Communication and respect are important. No one should EVER force someone to do something sexually that they are NOT ok with. Instead try and understand what your partner wants and find something you are both comfortable with. I do agree you shouldnt turn down sex cause of PETTY emotions. Men are physical and women are emotional. Men feel more connected to their partner during acts of physical contact where as women need to feel more emotion from their man to better enjoy the sex, keep in mind you are the only woman that he gets to get pleasure from and vice versa. sometimes we do need to suck it up as do they but never to a level of discomfort or there will be bad feelings and then no relationship at all. MEN understand you are inside of a woman, inside her body and what it must take for us to mentally get ourselves to give our body to you and when we are in pain, sick, prego and ect what that must be like to be violated in that way, forcing your way into someones body against their will, no man in love wants to do that but it is the womens job to figure something else out. GIVE AND TAKE, COMMUNICATION, RSPECT, UNDERSTANDING OF EACH OTHERS COMFORT LEVELS, TRUST!!!!!!
ReplyDeletethis article is a whole load of generalisation. i am very fit and slim, 33 but look 10 years younger, my overweight husband, 7 years older than me, often turns me down or just lays there during sex, he doesn't give any effort to pleasure me. i masturbate every night and have sex maybe twice a month. i am a freak in the sack (my exes always told me that i was, even my husband told me that and in the first years we were twisting the sheets a lot), i don't have tabus and i obviously prefer a good fuck instead of bitching about a co-worker, i use sex to vent and to relax. but i am the one being turned down. i tried a lot of things to spice it up, but he makes me feel ridiculous and he claims that he doesn't need sexy lingerie or weird fantasies to be turned on. he won't finger me and he won't have anal sex, we just do it in the bed in the cowgirl position: he is never ever on top of me, cause he gets exhausted very soon.
ReplyDeletei love him a lot and he loves me, i haven't cheated on him cause what we have is more precious than my sexual satisfaction.
so saying that men want sex and women want someone to listen to them is just generalisation.
Wow some of these posts amaze me...all this article means is that if there's not many issues and you really love him u wont have a problem giving in a few times when he wants sex and ur not in the mood...i know i have for my hubby and in the end i was glad i did, it was just what we needed...just as well if a man really loves his wife he will sacrafice some time to listen when she needs it even if he doesnt feel like it...those kinds of compromise lead to an amazing marriage...but its only if u are not together for all the wrong reasons and u are both truthful with yourselves and each other about your needs and wants...great article, thank you!
ReplyDeleteI think some of the reason that men lose interest in having sex with the same woman is because she doesn't make him chase anymore. She's got him and it's predictable and he's bored. This doesn't mean that she doesn't have sex with him sometimes when she doesn't feel like it...but certainly not every time she's not in the mood. If she's constantly not in the mood there is a health issue, emotional issue, or relationship issue that needs to be addressed
ReplyDeleteGreat article, but what about the man who does not meet ur emotional needs yet you never say no to sex with him? I Google'd how to say no because I literally cannot turn my guy down when he wants sex. I'm used to guys not abusing this love. Unfortunately he knows this and is a major pig to me then will go silent for a few hours and start making moves when he thinks it's blown over.
ReplyDeleteThe result is that I feel used and like the can treat me like crap and still get laid. On one hand I should respect myself and just say no
Because then its out of obligation, but on the other I'm using sex as a weapon if I say no BC I feel hurt.
Which is right to do? I think I always go with the former BC of precisely what u say that a man needs to stay satisfied sexually.
@ Anonymous
DeleteWhy are you still with a "man who does not meet ur emotional needs"?
"Which is right to do?"
Neither. You should dump him and find a better guy.
Little late to the game, but this is bullshit! Men and women don't fit into perfect little boxes of stereotypical sexism. Where's the never say no to your partner? (which would also be bullshit) Because I actually desire sex more than my boyfriend..like a lot more. Yet he can say no to me whenever he wants because guess what? I'd never want him to pretend to want to have sex with me. I obviously always say yes because I want him all the time and I'm a women and women can want to have sex all the time. And men are just as susceptible to a low sex drive as stereotypical women can be. And women are just as likely to have high sex drives just like the stereotypical man. Do you see where I'm going here? Furthermore, women are not the only ones who need emotionally support. Guarantee most men don't mind coming home to there partner and venting about their horrible work day, my man included. And guess what I can and do press pause and take that minute out of my day to listen to him. Now, I'm not a feminist by any means, but I believe in having a mutual respect and understanding of ones partner and their needs and trying to meet them. No one is perfect, all you can do is try your best. And if your best isn't good enough and partner still goes looking elsewhere then they aren't worthy of you anyways. Cheating is never ok for either sex.
DeleteDoes this go the other way around too?
ReplyDeleteI mean, you're not including the biology of the situation, which is to say men hit their sexual peak at a younger age than women. And for my current relationship, his is waning, while mine is picking up. Of course, I'm seven years older than he is, so that has something to do with it. But he has an aversion to having anything to do with me sexually when it's my time of month. Which, due to medical issues, seems to be all of the time! Needless to say, I'm noticing adverse effects in our relationship, generally stemming from the fact that I feel sexually inadequate and, simply put, GROSS.
So does it go both ways? Should he put aside his aversion for me, the same way I've put aside my own wants to provide him gratification with a blowjob?
I've had many partners, some who loved sex more than me, some considerably less (I found the ladder to be a lot more common). In my current relationship my girlfriend has lost her mood for about a year now, not due to lack of love or anything, mostly it's due to pain.. Sometimes it's there sometimes it's not (usually it's there...), so she's got to a point that when sex is where things are headed, she'll pretty much psych herself out... and when you're that tense... of course it's going to hurt..
ReplyDeleteShe's tried many times this past year (considering), and sometimes we can get past it and all is good, usually though it hurts her.. and sometimes she just deals with it for me... I feel bad, but Andrew isn't wrong.. I feel more loved. Not because it hurts but she does it anyway... it's just because she does it, it's just because she tries (I feel just as loved when it doesn't hurt her)..
I'm down to about twice a month give or take, so I pretty much watch porn everyday to relieve myself... I don't even really want to watch other women.. but in a previous relationship, I was a very bad cheater due to my lack of feeling satisfied and loved... and I'll be damned to ever let myself go down that path again... so watching strangers is my best alternative for now..
So if porn is the best I can do, while keeping this otherwise AMAZING girl by my side... so be it.. at least she tries. (and that's really what matters), even if she says no a lot..
Wow who's fault is that you worked a 60 hour work week and your to tired to listen? yours not his why should he suffer because you want a lavish life style ? and your exhausted I cant believe some of the selfish shits on here men and woman both its pathetic the op didn't say men are relegated to only sexual emotion and woman only to being hysterical illogical emotional cripples he just stated men tie sex into there emotional well being more so then woman notice I said more so not completely woman have sexual needs that bring about emotional closeness and just fulfill sheer sexual desire but men tend to tie in sexual sacrifice as a loving action
ReplyDeleteYou're promoting rape and denying women autonomy over our own bodies. Stop.
ReplyDeleteMuch respect that you notated it this way... Shows your integrity as a blogger. I've seen some bloggers who delete posts with no mention of their existence especially if they are trying to change their image.
ReplyDeleteMy husband said NO once and we haven't have sex since, that was 47 years ago. There was no love in his family and that's what its been like all these years. He's never slept with me, we never talk or associate with each other. We do live on the same piece of property.
ReplyDeleteIs it okay then for the husband to restrict access to the house he paid for or the credit card he owns?
ReplyDeleteHow about... a woman has sex with her partner when she feels horny? What is this, the Victorian era? Has always worked for me.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you never feel horny, go to a doctor or find an asexual partner.
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ReplyDelete