Friday, December 28, 2012

Living Vulnerably

I read the blog POSTMASCULINE regularly. The author is a guy who spent years wading through the bullshit world of pick-up tactics, only to finally break through all of that into a place of confidence and authentic success with women. His blog seeks to help other men do the same.

Recently, he made a hugely insightful post about practicing authenticity (or as he calls it, being vulnerable) with the opposite sex. In it, he gives four example dialogues that perfectly illustrate male-female interactions between different combinations of men and women who are either confident and secure (vulnerable) or else insecure: closed and defensive, seeking affirmation from (rather than connection with) the opposite sex.

I've spoken before about being open in the presence of men. His post gives concrete examples of women (and men) being both open and closed.

Although the post is written for men, the concepts are just as applicable to women. I highly recommend reading this post, especially if you are over the age of 25 (younger women will still get something from it, but less perhaps than those with more life and dating experience).

Here is the link:

Related Posts
1. Femininity, Authenticity and Compatibility
2. Are You Repressing Your Femininity?
3. How To Improve Your Posture


  1. Read his post, and he seems to be a bigger a**hole than most PUAs by far.

  2. Great post! This reminds me of Brene Brown's work - a vulnerability researcher who studies human connection. Her two 20 minute talks on are really eye-openers, I'm not exaggerating when I say she changed my life! Her latest book Daring Greatly is also very insightful.

  3. I love that you read postmasculine! I actually think some of his general life advice about setting and reaching goals and making changes in your life are really good...regardless of gender

  4. I'm glad that you introduced us to this blog. I look forward to reading more from him.

  5. Hi Andrew,

    I have a question about personality and interacting with men. I think this is where I have the most problems, and the reason I haven't had a long-term boyfriend (I'm 23) - I didn't have much experience interacting with men when I was young (sisters + all girls school), and men never seem very interested in my personality, just looks. I was very shy and reserved when younger.

    I have been trying to improve my personality, but then I have noticed however that gay men LOVE me, and I make friends with them so easily. So my personality can't be all that bad? When I'm with my gay friends I feel like the popular girl, the life of the party. With other guys I don't feel like that at all. I have a new friend who straight guys seem to love - she is a bit boyish in appearance but pretty - they are always falling in love with her. She has a great personality.

    What I'm getting at is - what kind of personality is it that makes straight guys think a girl is really cool? Because I have no idea how girls like my friend and other girls I know do it ...

    Would love your opinion, thanks :)

    1. You feel comfortable around gay men because you know they aren't sexually interested in you. You feel no threat from them and you feel no need to "perform" in their presence; you can relax and let your truest self shine. It is worth recognizing that the person you are with them IS your true self, not the anxious, nervous self that you are around straight men.

      My guess is that the anxiety you feel in the presence of straight men stems either from one of two things:

      (a) being weary of constantly fending off sexual aggressors, as would be the case if you are very attractive and are tired of dealing with the stress of men approaching you, trying to reject them nicely, etc.

      (b) being weary of always having to look your best and suffer through experiences in which men pass you by, as would be the case if you are less attractive and go out without getting any attention from men despite your wish that you would.

      The point, though, is that in either case you are not living openly, that is, vulnerably (so this post is very much relevant) in the presence of eligible men, and this is what is ruining your chances with them. Once you can remove that fear, you will have positive results, I guarantee you.

      And this brings me to the answer of your specific question: there is no personality that men like more than others categorically. What is unattractive to men, however, is when women live with their true personality closed off and shielded from the world. The personalities of men are as various as the personalities of women, and some men synch with one type of girl while others sync with another. What matters is that you get past your fears so that you can live vulnerably and let a man into your life.

    2. As a step towards living vulnerably, I challenge you to read all of the posts about posture that I have written, and come up with a concrete way to implement the suggestions in your life:

      1. Posture and Attractiveness
      2. How to Improve Your Posture
      3. How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2

    3. Many thanks for such a helpful reply Andrew. You are right, being my authentic self is something I have always struggled with. You've given me a lot to think about :)

  6. I love this!! I am so happy you posted this! If you want another great resource on vulnerability, watch Brene Brown's TED Talk "The Power of Vulnerability". Enjoy :)

  7. This is interesting. I was curious as to whether partially clothed dry sex is equally on par with fucking/giving or receiving oral sex on the first date?

  8. Yes. Boundaries, and being able to maintain them correctly...i wish i knew this a year ago, would save me a lot of pain and hassle.
    Men's 'traditional' (meaning worse) ways of showing vulnerabilities: yelling, arguing, the typical "DON'T FUCK WITH ME" punch on the table, or just going AWOL, I've done all of that enough for a lifetime (not mentioning other more extreme situations that i would never do). What happens, it simply closes the door to meaningful communication. Now I'm getting a glimpse of understanding.

  9. How will i be vulnerable but fair to ensure i am not bringing old baggage to a new relationship and not blaming the partner unreasonably? My last date said that i sabotaged myself our experience because i am being too vulnerable and honest... That was just weird...

  10. for all the ladies:

    1. @Digra-that's a fucking bizarre article!

      That author sounds drunk/high, but aside from that, I think when a man has an issue with the woman coming across as being dominant it can indicate (in few cases) other things beyond her being dominant, ie he's insecure -- secure and confident men, if they choose to be around "dominant" women they know how to deal with it. I also think that it's usually the obnoxiousness, immaturity, and foolishness of a woman who tries to be dominant, especially ones who feel they have to in order to attract a man is what turns men off. Further, i think the way people behave generally reflects or is a consequence of their upbringing. Women w the daddy syndrome, or psycho/domineering mother, probably don't know better or how "normal" human interaction works. The tone of the article is strange, and it comes across like a real nut is writing it. Bizarro. Very odd lol

      In my opinion it's important for both women and men to recognize and choose to be in emotionally healthy relationships, and i can see people misinterpreting this to help rationalize staying in unhealthy relationships.

      My opinion would be better if the author took the less fruitcake approach and discussed the basis for an emotional connection being mutual respect, or something along those lines. If it's a combination of elements of great sex the author is aiming at, it misses the mark by far. Hell, I'd be scared to be left in a room with someone who has that stream of thoughts, much less have sex with them. I think some of what Andrew's written about boundaries and femininity more accurately describe what this article is trying to capture, but damn, it's off the reservation. Bizarre.

  11. @ Emily L

    Just because you don't get it, or never tried it, doesn't mean it's bizarre.

    This is simply a part of the complex dynamics of male-female relationships. of course it will not apply to everyone, but then again, different strokes for different folks.

    If you'd be willing to discuss the main points of view of the post, step out of your over-analytical shoes for a moment, and think of seeing all the angles to it. if you can't do that, cool your hot-head down a bit, and keep your own biased views in check.

    I see that you react this way because you have more masculine qualities than the average women (to whom I'd say the article is more naturally suited) and that's ok. still, kindly refrain from ruining it for them.

    A more useful approach would be, be sceptical about new information, until you see how it applies in practice.

    1. @Digra-you don't know what I understand or what I've tried; as I said, it's a fucking bizarre article. You've said nothing to pursued me otherwise, other than take cheap digs me because I disagree with it. Like you said, different folks, different strokes. I 100% agree w u on that one :) It's fucking bizarre.

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