Friday, October 7, 2011

You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.

Next time you are talking to a guy that you want to make a good impression on, do not mention anything about your infrequent gym attendance. Especially early in a relationship (first date, etc.), this is a great way to inspire his disinterest.

When working out or the gym comes up during a conversation with a girl I am attracted to, you can be sure that I am pay close attention to two things:
  1. How often she works out
  2. Why she works out
The reason for this is simple: I want to know that after I marry a girl, she will stay in shape, and I know that no woman can stay in shape without frequent exercise. While it isn't impossible for a woman to develop or improve her workout habits after marriage, I prefer to be conservative (read: cynical) in my expectations. I assume that if she isn't working out regularly now, she won't start. In fact, I take it a step further, because the truth is that even if she is working out now, she is likely to stop. I know that one of the primary drives for any young woman's workout habits is her desire to attract her future husband. Once "future" is out of the equation, I know that her gym membership will only remain active if she actually enjoys being fit. So I want to know that a girl is staying in shape for her own benefit and well-being, not just to get a husband. This is the kind of girl that will maintain her figure throughout a marriage, and stay healthy.

Not realizing my scrupulous attention to their comments, girls have told me on numerous occasions "I hate going to the gym" or "I try to go every other day, but I can never get motivated enough." What I hear in these cases is "I will be fat within 10 years." And while I do not rule them out completely for comments like this, they are using up virtually all of their leeway in one short statement.

On the other end of the spectrum, there have been a few girls that - again, probably not realizing how closely I was paying attention - have told me things like "I am addicted to working out. I actually get sort of depressed when I skip a day, it's bad..." or if I catch them on the phone right after their workout "I feel awesome right now, my arms are so sore" as I hear them blending a protein shake in the background. These are the kinds of girls that men with options are looking for.

So while you are actually fostering your workout habits, remember that as far as your conversations with attractive men are concerned: you always go to the gym, and you like it.

35 comments:

  1. Thats good to hear, because I thought it might be the opposite, that guys want a girl who doesn't work out and still looks good. I love going to the gym, and I need to to be thin!

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  2. I'd like to add that a girl that works out and just does cardio is working out specifically to stay thin. A girl that does more than just cardio (eg weight lifting) is a girl that is genuinely concerned about her fitness, not just being skinny.

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    1. What bear said is correct, I have seen countless skinny/fat cardio bunnies at the gym deluding themselves that they will get killer bodies from the treadmill. LOL
      If anyone is serious about shaping their body weightlifting is KING! I am almost 50 years old and the results I got from weight training is amazing. Unlike many women my age I do not have bingo wings, can wear a bikini and skinny jeans.

      I often see many young women, even teens, who have muffin tops, flabby legs with no muscle tone and bad posture. There are a lot of misconceptions about weight training and many women avoid it like the plague, thinking they will end up like Arnold. Many women may be light on the scales but have a high percentage of fat in relation to muscle. As women age, if they avoid resistance training, two types of bodies emerge, those who are thin frail looking with excess skin and no muscle tone and those who are over weight with spare tyres and flabby flesh.

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  3. That is good to know... I also thought it might be the opposite. I kind of thought that if it sounded like you needed your very dedicated gym routine to keep your shape, then a guy would draw the conclusion that it was just a matter of time before you couldn't keep up that pace and would balloon up.

    But if on the other hand, your natural state didn't require constant gym trips because you were blessed to be one of those more naturally fit/slim (or at least seemed to be), then you'd be less risky long term choice. "Don't let them see you sweat" or something like that.

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    1. Thats what I thought too, so I always downplay my fitness addiction! I swear, guys get intimidated and turned off, thats my impression. I feel like I can't win, but maybe I've just been doing it all wrong? Ugh.

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  4. There are girls who don't work out and who are still thin.

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    1. True, but that's because of their genes or the fact that they starve themselves.

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    2. Or because they have a healthy relationship with food. I go to the gym to tone and to get more energy, not to keep the weight down. The idea of having to work out to keep the weight down is for people who eat unhealthy or too much. You should eat in such a way that you maintain a good weight just from your natural activity.

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    3. I am 45, stopped exercising years ago because of an organ transplant, and still wear a size zero. Thank God for genetics and a tiny appetite!

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  5. Andrew, what I'm inferring from this post is that working out is a big part of US culture and that nearly every "dateable" person you'll ever meet will have some sort of workout routine. Is this the case?

    The workout culture still seems very new to me. I can see why a person who makes regular time for exercise and is committed to staying in shape would make a desirable partner, and why another who complacently refuses to bust a move as the pounds pile on wouldn't be; but unless working out is something the average person is expected to do, it's more of a big bonus or a huge red flag than something for the main checklist.

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  6. "There are girls who don't work out and who are still thin."

    That is true, but I am worried about them staying thin over time, not just here and now. Thin girls now won't necessarily stay in good shape as they age.

    Bellita, no, there are plenty of people (men and women) in the U.S. that don't work out, even ones that a lot of guys would tell you they consider "dateable." It is something that I and my friends look for in women, hoqwever, and can definitely make or break a decision for me personally.

    Even the guys that don't pay such direct attention to a girl's workout routine will be more attracted to a girl that they know is healthy - whether or not they realize it. It just puts the girls whole life on a healthy backdrop to know (even just from a passing comment) that she pays attention to her physical well-being.

    By the way, how do you know idioms like "bust a move" if you aren't familiar with US culture??

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  7. I may not live in the US, but it's very easy for people in the big cities of the rest of the world to become familiar with American culture. It also helps that American English was the first kind of English I learned. Having lived in New Zealand, where people speak their own form of British English, I can say with some certainly that had I grown up there, I would have understood what "bust a move" meant, but would probably have used a Kiwi idiom here instead.

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  8. this is a good one. thanks!

    I am currently overweight (put on wgt from stress last yr - and I have struggled with wgt for many yrs) but I am dieting and working out to lose the wgt and therefore not taking a break from dating.

    However, once I get thin again and am "allowed" to start dating again, I will definitely keep up my gym routine 5-7 days a week, which is what I am doing now.

    ...BUT what I learned from your post is to make sure I SAY that I love working out...even though I dont. I hate it but... we all tell these little white lies (e.g., size doesnt matter, sure honey, I'd love to take you to the ballet, etc) to make a relationship go smoothly and keep someone interested.

    Thanks! I never realized that men equate love of working out to not getting fat in the future. I always thought being thin and actively working out was enough to put them at ease. Good insight!

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  9. I guess my last statement does make it sound like I am advocating (white) lying, but that wasn't my intention. What I meant was that you should change your mindset so that you really do love working out (this can be done by acknowledging its enormous benefits and finding a workout routine that suits you - few people would "hate" a resonable workout).

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  10. it's funny, i frequent the gym, half the time, people are just checking each other out and not really taking their workouts seriously. go for yourself, for your health, not for some guy who will think you are hotter if you go... it doesnt matter what some guy thinks, that just gives him unnecessary power. do whats right for you.

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  11. I work out myself and also greatly prefer a woman who works out. Toned legs are very sexy.

    I once made out with a girl who was 39 and thin but apparently never worked out. Her body was kind of gross. Although she wasn't fat, she had no muscle tone - it almost seemed like her leg muscles has atrophied as the skin was very loose and almost jello-like.

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  12. Love your blog. Some of these posts are bewildering me. Maybe I am some alien subspecies and don't realize it. I love the gym, I go 7 days a week. I take impeccable care of myself (blow drying my hair, dressed in what my neutral guy friends have told me looks good on me, well-groomed, etc), I have a variety of hobbies I pursue and love, and I have really improved on "being approachable" versus when I was 24, yet I still can't get a date for the life of me. Maybe fate hates me.

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  13. Can't get a date at all or can't get a date that you want to go out with? I've found that when girls say they never get attention from guys they usally mean "from guys they want attention from."

    In any case, though, if you are attractive, I think the next major impediment most women have is being cold or aloof. Could you be more open, social, fun? I think this is one thing that attractive girls don't realize - because they are beautiful, many men find them intimidating; so unless you smile, let yourself laugh, loosen up, etc. you will get approached less than girls that are actually a little less attractive.

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  14. I hate going to the gym, but I love to move so I find other ways to stay fit. Is that semi okay? Or too honest?
    OMG, can't believe how people actually, actively seem To have dating as a project. Was told by a friend that I should check out "the rules" but realises I enjoy your counter rules a lot more. I'm still not good at following advice but at least now I enjoy not doing it. (and trust me, I can talk too much about climbing, yoga, running, hiking. And food food food.).thanks for a good blog.

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  15. Going to the gym gives a woman better orgasms. Won't tell a guy that first time though ahaha

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    1. Hmmm, which exercise in particular? Squats? Bicep curls?

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  16. For those that found they haven't "loved" working out, you may want to try switching up your exercise regimen. I used to run 4-5 days a week, but hated it. I would keep up with it, and loved the accomplishment, but it was always a "chore." Prior to running, when I was doing Power Yoga (in a different state) I loved it. It wasn't a chore, I enjoyed going, but it was time consuming.

    Now, for the past year, I have found CrossFit and can actually say I love going! I miss it when I'm not there... and 4 times a week is a minimum (minus extenuating circumstances) for me. I think sometimes its just finding the right thing and sticking with it... it doesn't mean you have to show up in LA Fitness every day, but find something you love and it will be more natural to want to continue doing.

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  17. The guy I dated last November swore by crossfit. He did have an amazing body.

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    1. That's the bonus to CrossFit, I'm female and not working out to get bulky just toned - but the men there... very nice bodies indeed!

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  18. Would you say there are types of workouts that might be a turnoff?
    I take boxing/kickboxing (not at all like Tae Bo) and I absolutely love it! It really is what keeps me motivated to work out. However, I wonder if this is one of those "in spite of" situations? Attractiveness > fighting sport.

    (I realize of course that even mentioning to a guy that I could "kick his butt" is so not something I would do with someone I'm interested in. And I'm not a showoff.)

    I wouldn't stop boxing, but if you feel maybe I should just say "I go to the gym four times a week." and later reveal what I actually do, might be a good idea to consider.

    I am not super muscular and I am not interested in getting that way. I'm slender and toned, so I feel like that would still be attractive. I also dress feminine, do my hair, wear makeup, and never ever wear athletic clothes outside of working out.

    So it's just the sport itself- hold off on mentioning it or does it even matter?
    (Other readers- weigh in if you have thoughts!)
    Thank you!

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    1. I don't think that's a turnoff. It's only a turnoff if it's something that takes up a large part of your life, for example, if you were into competitive kickboxing. Doing something like that would be a turnoff because it would suck up a large part of your free time, reducing the amount of time you would have to see a man. You could probably date another kickboxer though--he'd understand.

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    2. What about a woman who goes hunting? Or has firearms training? Or a career in law enforcement or the military?

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  19. What about, "I always go to the gym, even though I don't like it?" I hate exercising but I do visit the gym 6 times a week. I see it as something a responsible adult must do.

    I know what you mean, guys look at me differently when I tell them I exercise a lot.

    I've been a licensed scuba diver for 15 years, and never thought it was a big deal. It's surprisingly easy, you know. But I recently found out that men are very impressed by it. Scuba isn't much exercise at all, but I suppose it requires certain level of fitness and swimming ability.

    On the other hand, I think my joke that I'm on a "Mark Twain diet", in which I eat what I like and let the food fight it out inside, is hurting my chances.

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  20. Andrew, I am an avid reader of your blog, and I love its content and understand its intent and target audience, but as a male and a workout fanatic, I am utterly vexed at this suggested act of female deception. And to be quite honest, I feel betrayed ::sniffle sniffle:: This is deplorable. Come on, man! If my future wife lies to me just to catch me, then drops her workout habits after popping one out. I will divorce her, leave the kids stranded, and start plotting my revenge on you! >:(

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  21. I love loads of what's on here, and think much of it great advice for single girls, but this is bollocks. I never go to the gym or exercise (and I smoke occasionally) and have always had men (high calibre) eating out of my hand (am now married for 10 years, still slim and probably more gorgeous than when first got together - girlish prettiness evolved into womanly beauty..) Loads of men I've spent time around (eg: as colleagues, at university etc) have declared their love/attraction to me (and so has the one lesbian woman I've been mates with, come to think of it).. needless to say, they can look but not touch! And I never really dress sexy - think it must be some hormone I give off .. anyway, my point is, that gym = uptight to me = unsexy ...as is out and out lying about who you really are. (I am English ... come to think of it, when I worked as an au pair in the States I had men literally drooling at me on occasion ..more so than at home..it makes me go red just recalling it!). So go to the gym if you love it, but otherwise, don't.

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  22. Hi again Andrew,

    OK, I have another important question. I am super duper into working out and fitness. My saving grace is that I'm naturally a very curvy hourglass, so I do not and never will look remotely "manly"... but I train like a guy. I also worked as a personal trainer for many years - I don't anymore. I used to feel like my fitness turned everyone right off. I would avoid discussing exactly what I do, and sometimes lie and say I was a pilates girl. Most of the time, if I was explicitly asked what my speciality was, I would say so... and then get hammered with questions about diet and training and never get another date!!! In that time, I only ever dated (beyond one or two dates) other trainers, an mma fighter (two year relationship) and a few music industry types with ultra alpha jobs that didn't seem to be intimidated (and were at least reasonably fit themselves).

    So I deduced from these experiences that I should keep my fitness on the hush hush. I am not a trainer anymore, but I still work out 5 - 7 days a week, sometimes doubles... meaning a run in the morning, lifting at night or vice versa. I do it because I love it. But you're telling me I shouldn't hide or downplay it? I was only so explicit, because I know I'm extreme and I think my extremeness is apparent and its a turn off. I really have to re-iterate that looking hot for me is just a side effect of the exercise - I watch my diet to keep my figure. I train to be and feel awesome and its a stress relief. But I get that most people probably view it as psycho and/or neurotic. Do you agree? Do you think I'm right that this level of fitness turns most guys off? I feel that it does :/

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  23. This sounds like a great way to end up with someone who sold you a pipe dream. While I agree and understand the logic of wanting someone who will be healthy and has a healthy mindset throughout life, is she lying about the frequency and interest in working out, what else will she lie about to get you to marry her?

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  24. Lol gym. I only date salsa dancers, oh yea that's called real exercise

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  25. Well this is all good. My figure is quite nice anyway, but heavily invested in taking care of my health and fitness. Case-and-point, I never be an old lady, just an older one instead.

    I wonder what a man would think though if a woman works out for certain periods of time, but then may do nothing for a bit, but her values are health and fitness as if her life depends on it...

    My friend said that I looked like I'm getting too skinny, so I thought that I should take a break for a few months and create a health and fitness plan in the mean time.

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  26. I'm a lady who lifts. Holla at you boyz. No, but I really resent this article.. And I swear I'm not a feminist! I go 3-4 times a week (mix of heavy and light lifts), one of those sessions HIIT. This is compared with a punishing regime (designed to make me thin) that "required" 7 days in the gym on a low-carb diet. No one requires to be in the gym 7/7 days- that's batshit crazy.
    I looked thin that's for sure. I didn't enjoy it and I was doing it for reasons external to my well-being i.e. how others perceived me.
    Naturally, I would now say to an interested guy, "I love the gym. It was shrug day today; feel my traps.". Joking about the traps bit. I don't actually shrug. But I do love the gym and I would make that plain.
    However, if that same guy placed more emphasis on my gym habits than my stellar personality, I'd tell him to suck a fat one.

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