Friday, March 23, 2012

Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 2

Continued from Part 1.

So if you agree that bars are a reasonably good place to meet men, which ones should you go to? Onviously you will want to hang out in (a) the kind of places that the kind of men you want to meet are most likely to be, and (b) places that you enjoy being. Thankfully, these two criteria will normally point you in the same direction. It is only within these criteria that you should apply the suggestions below:
  1. Avoid extremely loud places, so that you can have a conversation and get to know the guys a little better than you would otherwise. I suggest places with a rooftop or outdoor section.
  2. Try to go to places where everyone is standing up rather than sitting down at individual tables. This facilitates interactions.
  3. Go to places with activities or things going on: beer-pong, go-go dancers, shuffleboard, etc. It is much easier and less awkward for a guy to ask a girl "is that your friend on the mechanical bull?" than to walk up and just introduce himself.
  4. Go to crowded places. Crowded places encourage proximity, which translates to more interactions and opportunities for guys to approach you. I used to go to this bar that was always packed from end to end, to the point that you could barely walk around. It was a pain in the ass to order a drink, but it was incredibly easy to talk to women because we were literally stepping on each others' toes.
However, far more important than where you go out, is when you go out. If you leave the bar by 11:00 pm or midnight (in the United States), you automatically filter out 90 % of the men who are interested in sex alone. These men usually need alcohol to approach you; and even the ones that don't know that most girls won't be able to overcome the social stigma associated with taking them home until they are four or five drinks deep. So they aren't going to make advances until later in the night. Actually, a lot of them won't even arrive until later in the night, for that very same reason.

This phenomenon isn't entirely a matter of the promiscuous people being in bars late and the prude people leaving early. Like most things, it isn't that black and white. The same guy who might ask for your number sober at 9:00 pm will take you far less seriously if you accept his drunken approach at midnight, in the same way that you will take him less seriously for being drunk. As the night progresses, and so does intoxication; men and women alike change their motivations and expectations.

It isn't easy to walk out early. I am sure a lot of girls (perhaps most) rarely get hit on until after midnight, and that kind of affirmation can be a hard thing to turn your back on. I could even see how  in some ways it would be helpful to receive that attention; it could help realize that men are interested in you. But if your main concern is filtering the good attention from the bad, leaving early is the best way to maximize your chances of meeting someone worthwhile in a bar.


  1. I don't drink alcohol due to religious reasons so are there any other places I can go to meet guys? I've been told I'm attractive but they just don't approach in public libraries, if you know what I mean.

    1. It's going to be tougher for you, but you will have to filter out scumbags a lot less than girls who frequent bars. This could be a good thing. I suggest trying to be as extroverted as possible and hanging out with anyone and everyone you can in an effort to expand your social circle. Your best bet will be meeting men through friends.

    2. This is actually where having a career and hobbies is a good thing, ladies. Go to and have a ball by looking up social meet up groups in your area who do things you like to do. From lawyer-heads to kayakers to sudoku folks, you can find a meetup for pretty much anything you're interested in! And the best part is, you can vet the meet up groups to see what the male-to-female ratio is. Use these as social "homes" to meet guys who are like minded, possibly single, and also have at least one thing in common with you. It's what I plan to do to build a community of friends (and potential dates) when I move to L.A. this August. ;-)

    3. Andrew, the last guy I mentioned, I actually learnt something from him. I realised that men want someone really outgoing. I am outgoing but I wouldn't say I'm the life and soul of the party...but I'm encouraged to be more so and to have more concrete hobbies and passions outside of work that I invest a lot of time in (at the moment it's hazy). So I've decided to work on my game in terms of meeting more people in general. Since I have an Anxiety Disorder, it overwhelms me a bit. I'm worried that men think I'm boring because I take longer to warm up, but I do really adore people. I struggle being the quiet, but confident in her skin (sometimes spunky), and loving girl that I am. I fear that men overlook me because they don't take the time to learn that there's more to me than meets the eye. The problem is a more outgoing guy is the type I want to meet. Do you think I have to be doing things differently to attract that kind of guy? The guys who are into me are always like me and I don't want to date another version of myself.

      They say that men want a challenge and that polarity builds a spark but too many guys tell me that I'm not energetic enough for them. They want me to be on the go all the time.

    4. Not all men like outgoing girls. I know some that prefer women who are more peaceful and quiet. Opposites do attract, but recognizing genuine opposites is sometimes difficult because not everyone is living vulnerably and being their true selves.

      If you are quiet out of fear, that is something you need to confront and challenge. In that case, your fear is keeping you from being your truest self. But if you are quiet because you feel no need to assert yourself, then that is simply who you are and you will sync better with a man who is more naturally extroverted.

      At the same time though, you need to be careful of men who aren't being THEIR truest selves. If they are extroverted but only because they feel the need to prove something by being vocal all the time, their ego is getting in the way of their truest self. You probably wouldn't sync well with a man like this because, not being a natural extrovert himself he is probably looking for a woman who is one.

      Hope that helps. E-mail me if you want to discuss it further.

  2. If one of your closest friends (the girl you prefer to go out with) hangs out with gay guys and wants to go to gay bars or bring them along for clubbing because "they're so awesome", what do you do? Ditch her or force her somewhere else? I really don't know THAT many girls of similar attractiveness level to go out with.

  3. I'm 37, outgoing, comfortable around strangers, or new environments. Where is the best place (other than a bar and MeetUp), to meet guys naturally? And how best to seem approachable?