Sunday, December 23, 2012

Men That Like You Will Explain Themselves

There are any number of signs that indicate a man's disinterest in you, or give away his attempts to sleep with other women. Maybe he goes out to a bar without telling you about it, or stops contacting you for a while. While in most instances these kinds of behavior reveal his true intentions (which have little or nothing to do with dating you), it is also true that in some instances there will be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened. Maybe he went to the bar without telling you because it was a last-minute thing with his coworkers and his phone had just died. Or maybe he hasn't contacted you for a couple days because his family just arrived in town and they've been together non-stop.

The difference between a guy that has a genuine interest in you and one who doesn't, is that the interested guy will give you a specific explanation about why he behaved the way he did, while the disinterested guy will give you a vague explanation - or no explanation. (An overly-interested guy will give a rambling and specific explanation with apologies interlaced between the details - but you aren't worried about how to spot men like this, you are more interested in losing them.)

Take the first example - your guy goes to a bar with his coworkers without telling you about it. On the one hand he might be out trying to pick up some new women, but on the other hand his phone might have legitimately died so he may have had no way to contact you.

Consider the range of explanations he could give you:

The Overly-Interested Man
"Babe, the company decided at last minute yesterday to have a going away party for Joe, and I'd forgotten to charge my phone last night so it was completely dead by the time we left for the bar. I had no way of telling you where I was; I'm sorry. I had to go to the party, too, because my manager was going to the party and told us all that he expected us to be there. Babe, I'm sorry, I would have called if I'd been able. I even thought about using Neil's phone to call you but I couldn't get your number off my phone. I hope you don't mind." 
The overly interested guy would continue to give obsequious explanations if you pushed him on it - but you probably wouldn't since you'd already trust him and not care much about where he was anyway.
The Interested Man
"Sorry about last night. I wanted to call you to give you a heads up but my phone was dead and my manager insisted that we all go to this impromptu going away party for Joe. It was at Bootleggers, downtown - cool place actually. We should go there next time we go out."
The interested guy would follow up his explanation with a little more detail if you pushed him on it, saying something like "Yeah I know it was dumb not to charge my phone, but then I was in that meeting I told you about all day today, so I didn't realize until we left for the bar that it was dead." or "No, I know it was weird, but I think my manager realized that Joe might be working for our clients in the future, so he wanted to send him off on good terms - hence the need for a good turnout."
The Disinterested Man 
"I went to this thing for work." 
Typically if a man is disinterested in a woman, she will be interested in him - so she won't push for more details because she'll be worried about upsetting the already-precarious relationship. But if she does, she is likely to be met with something like "It was a party for a guy who is leaving" or "Oh, it was nothing; don't worry about it."
This whole phenomenon boils down to the fact that, in proportion to his interest in you, he will be concerned with your opinion of him, and will want you to understand why he behaved strangely. 

It is worth noting that some men might need you to express your disapproval before offering an explanation for their behavior - men are sometimes oblivious to a woman's feelings. But if you express your disapproval or tell them (calmly and reasonably) that you were worried or upset, this should elicit a specific explanation for his behavior, not a vague one.

Finally, while it would be tough or even impossible to perfectly correlate his interest to the degree of specificity in his explanations, you can still use this principle by bearing in mind this range of possible explanation types, while asking yourself "Is this how a man who cared about my opinion would explain himself?"


Related Posts
1. The More Confident He Is, The Less He Likes You
2. How to Deal with Men Who Have Bad "Game"
3. "Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

40 comments:

  1. So many posts in so little time!!! LOVING IT. Thanks for the good advice!

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  2. Nice post but the correct word to use is 'uninterested' not 'disinterested'. Disinterested means being impartial or unbiased. It's common to get that distinction wrong.

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  3. what should a girl do when a guy flakes on date with her with no explanation and keeps on asking her out on last minute dates?

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    1. Make sure he gives you a believable explanation AND an apology. Otherwise, cut him off.

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    2. What it usually mean is that he is in a relationship. He flakes on you because he couldn't get away, he keeps setting up dates with you in hopes he can get away one of those times.

      If you're putting up with this then it's your fault...as Andrew rightly said, "Typically if a man is disinterested in a woman, she will be interested in him - so she won't push for more details because she'll be worried about upsetting the already-precarious relationship."

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    3. Another explanation is that you are his placeholer until someone better/hotter/sexier comes along. Then he ditches you for them and comes back to you when he stikes out with his better/hotter/sexier options.

      I'm not so sure if a woman keeps being interested in a man who consistently shows utter contempt for her - unless she is some sort of masochist or has some sort of emoional disorder. Women maintain interest in a man who "plays with her feelings" by blowing hot and then cold. He shows just enough disinterest to keep her intriuged and on her toes, and just enough interest to keep her drawn into his web.

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    4. You are just something to do until something better comes along. Ditch him.

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  4. Thanks for writing this, I guess subconsciously we know that but we definitely need to be reminded of it

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    1. Gosh, never put up with this behavior, if we don't turn this dating imbalance around, we are all doomed.

      Read this
      http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-men-blow-hot-and-cold/

      and this
      http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-youre-nobodys-option/

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  5. What about guys who are players? Wouldn't they explain themselves similarly do Guy ! (over-interested guy)

    AnonymousLilly

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  6. If ythe two of you did not have plans, questioning him will drive away the interested man (you needs to have a jealous spouse?). The uninterested man will not care (your jealousy is merited); and the overly-interested man will grovel.
    (Players will be uninterested, but may act like the interested guy if they think that will work.)

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  7. Andrew, can you please do a post on men who blow hot and cold? Why would a man disappear for months at a time only to always re-contact a woman and want to see her?

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    Replies
    1. There isn't much to say. He doesn't like you.

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    2. kind of like a guy trying to come back to his backup plan because he know you'll always be there. you're just a hole in the ground. he probably just got dumped. isn't that wha guys do?

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    3. Not only does he not like you, but he only comes around when he wants easy sex. He has no respect for you and more importantly, you have no respect for yourself that you keep answering.

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    4. Ladies...a man that likes you will never disappear on you or leave you. Hot and cold = he just comes back when he's bored/lonely. Even if you're not having sex with him, he will come back to you for an ego boost...just to make sure he's still "got it"

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    5. Thank you, Andrew, for your one-line reply above. I was puzzled by the hot and cold behavior and found a lot of lengthy discussions out there addressing the exact issue. We on the receiving end of such behavior would like to believe the rubber band theory, when in fact it is not that complex at all. :-)

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  8. Is it a bad idea to go for an overly interested guy? I am dating one who does not have much experience with women but he seems nice..should I put his overinterest down to lack of experience and give him a chance to calm down?

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    1. You can, but eventually he'll drive you crazy. Your ego is fed now, but in a month or two, you will do anything to get rid of him.

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  9. This is a great topic which needs to be addressed more often. I think the same concept can also be applied in other relationships as well as broader topics. I think in general, if one person always feels like they are breaking their back trying to make the relationship work, it probably means they are compensating for the other person.

    One thing-- can you be more specific by what the "over-interested" guy looks like? If I'm already into a guy and he's very interested in me, I usually view it as a good thing.

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    1. I meant over-interested in the sense that he likes you way more than you like him.

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  10. So what do you do if there is a guy who asked you out at one point in time but then cut off contact after the initial date? Lets say that this is a person who works at the same location as you and upon seeing you again after several months asks if you want to work on a professional project with him. What is the right response to this if you are actually interested in the project? Mind you, I did not contact him either during those months once I became aware of his disinterest.

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    1. I'd agree to work on the project. If it's been months since you went out, it is very clear that he doesn't have romantic interest in you. If you aren't too worried about "falling" for him, then go for it.

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  11. Andrew! I recieved a message from a guy explaining why he had not been in touch (we couldn't see eachother, I was away) because he actually met someone else. The message was sweet and it's a nice departure from guys doing the "slow fade", but it was too "open", asking where I was and what I was up to? What does that mean?

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    1. Whatever this episode means I would not hang on it being some sort of "sign" that he is still interested or trying to rekindle anything with you. Women tend to play these sorts of "games" and project onto men their assumption that men play these sorts of "games" too. Apart from the few player types, most normal decent guys do not. Women like to read more into things than may be warranted and this could be an example of somthing like this.

      Normally guys who move on to someone else cut off all contact (clean, clear break) but you do get the occassional few who genuinely like you as a person and who would like to remain friends. Until a man says to you explicitly that he wants something from you - relationship, sex, whatever, the best assumption to take is that there is nothing going on - he is just being nice and friendly.

      When a man does not make clear his intentions, accept that there are no intentions until proven otherwise. When in doubt, assume the answer is No. It works for men - women should try it.

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  12. Whatever this episode means I would not hang on it being some sort of "sign" that he is still interested or trying to rekindle anything with you. Women tend to play these sorts of "games" and project onto men their assumption that men play these sorts of "games" too. Apart from the few player types, most normal decent guys do not. Women like to read more into things than may be warranted and this could be an example of somthing like this.

    Normally guys who move on to someone else cut off all contact (clean, clear break) but you do get the occassional few who genuinely like you as a person and who would like to remain friends. Until a man says to you explicitly that he wants something from you - relationship, sex, whatever, the best assumption to take is that there is nothing going on - he is just being nice and friendly.

    When a man does not make clear his intentions, accept that there are no intentions until proven otherwise. When in doubt, assume the answer is No. It works for men - women should try it.

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  13. One point I would like to make in relation to this post is that many men are not very verbal and so just because a man does not go into an elaborate explanation of his unexplained behaviour does not necessarily mean disinterest or dishonesty.

    If a man is generally not verbal but expresses his love and care through actions, I wouldn't automatically write him off just because he gives a one line explanation why he dissappeared for a while.

    Normally my bullshit detector goes haywire when a man of few words suddenly go all verbal on you.

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  14. I learned a lot with your blog post! This can really help the women on their concern on how to make a man fall for you. I am looking forward that these tips are really effective.

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  15. This guy sits behind me in class who I am really attracted to. We're in college, both white. He struck up conversation with me, asking me about an assignment that the professor had explained. I felt like he just wanted to talk to me. The next class, we didn't talk at all. The class after that, I had to give a presentation and when I came back to my seat he said "nice job" to me. I wouldn't really think much of that, except this guy just really doesn't give off the vibe that he really gives a fuck about school, much less about some girl's presentation. Also, nobody else said anything congratulatory. I am not sure if he's shy or not, or if he's attracted to me or whatever. Deep down I feel like he is but I'm not sure. Can you shed any light on this? Should I flirt with him?

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    1. I wouldn't overtly flirt before getting a sense as to whether or not he's really interested, but I would however be friendly and try to make some small talk, like asking him about class assignments like he did with you, and if he has any presentations coming up, I would compliment him, like he also did with you, and maybe you could ask him more about it to show interest.

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  16. LJ
    maybe you will shed light i pretty much think I have the answer.I just want to make sure..I have been friends w benefits type of situation w my neighbor for around 5-6 yrs. I decided to do a reverse physchology deal on this Man Lets call him Billy. Meaning I would text him lovely comliments & boost ego so he would feel great. He wouldalways txt bk thanking me how Sweet I am & how it mks him feel beautiful & shed a tear. I asked if we could ultimately see ea other . He always has some sort of excuse. When we see e other He always teases me & says Lisa You &I Must get Married because he's oviously playing w me to see my reaction to that... We are neighbors. he says how beautiful I am & How I turn him on We sometimes bump into one another Sometimes at that point one of us has to run to work or to our previous plans or wherever we may be going . I finally text him & said I was in trouble & needed his help. He replied" I will always be here for you if needed" I than let a few days pass . I text again asking if we could meet & possibly Talk. I stressed are you busy,have plans or Are you going to use Church as a Deterant. He text me back I am using church as a deterant.I then thereafter lft a msg on his phone saying I appreciate his friendship Whenever he wants 2 talk OK I am in shock by this mean behavior. i dont understand why he runs from me Now remember he has said in passing that h he loves me becuz i am so upfront & cool but when i try he it seems like hes so scared of me. i realize i should never text him or contact him again His birthday is upcoming also i dont know what to do with the card I have for him either. I am also hurt by this Any advice I only desrve the best ???

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    1. It's obvious. You're nothing but his booty call, door mat girl, etc. Why invest in someone who clearly doesn't respect you? Even if you're not his f buddy.. simply respecting you as a friend and human being. Honestly, kindness, generosity, respect are all basic traits. I see all that missing from him.. false hopes, lies, saying what you want to hear, runs away, etc. What more do you want from him? Surely there must be a Guy out there who deserves your attention more .. even as a f buddy. One who truly appreciates you and not act like "whatever".

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  17. Yeah run this article is Robert (Bob) Jones Townsville a narcissistic sociopath who history is befriending using and dumping.

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  18. What if a man gives you expensive gifts, but wants them back, if we break up? Also he goes off and yells at me, after 4 months of dating, because he feels neglected. He only does this at my house, when we are one on one, never in front of friends. He whines and cries often, because I cannot see him as much as he wants!...Help!

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    1. Thats a sick person, stay away. Suggest counseling for him, been there as the guy, got counseling. Time heals him, worry about yourself first.

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  19. Should I move on?
    I went on a date, the person was very nice, polite and we had a blas. The phone rang a couple times but only answered two calls. 1st call was an employee 2nd call was a family member. I was introduced to the family member and it was said that my date really liked me. When the date ended, we both went our separate ways. He asked to add him on my fb so I did.Texting continued the next day. Plans were made to meet during the week but my date said they couldn't wait to see me. So we went out the next day. My date introduced me to a close friend and we had a blast. At the end of the night we were both a bit intoxicated and had sex. Everything was still OK untill the following day. Then he just stopped. He canceled for our date during the week n was very distant. Then the communication just stopped. I went out for drinks with the friends and was told that they didn't think my date was ready to move on from the recent breakup. There was a reply to a text over the weekend but that was it, we are still friends on fb but nothing elsr. Do I stay away?

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