Thursday, December 20, 2012

Think About Where You Live and Work

You may have perfected your look, your personality, your fitness, and your confidence, but if you aren't crossing paths with men frequently, it is all for nothing. You can't attract men that you don't encounter, and you can't encounter men without a social life.

A couple years ago I dated a beautiful, very sweet girl who lived in the suburbs with her parents, about 45 minutes outside the city. She commuted to her job at the local hospital by car, everyday, alone. Her coworkers were either middle-aged (and married) or older. Her family had moved around a lot when she was growing up, so she didn't have a social circle from her childhood. She rarely went out, struggled to make friends, and was generally unhappy. Last I heard she was in-and-out of a relationship with a guy that her mother hated and she was unenthusiastic about at best; but she stayed with him - I assume for lack of other options. This girl was an 8 out of ten in most guys' books, and a 9 or 10 in others'. She was smart, gentle, had an amazing smile and loved to dress up and go out (I always wished I liked her more, but ultimately we didn't click and I had to let her go). It was depressing to see her suffocated by her living and working situation. I always urged her to move away from her parents and into the city, where she could work at a younger hospital, socialize, meet guys, make friends, go out, and generally thrive. But she was too scared to move. She didn't feel comfortable leaving what she knew so well after so long.

Especially if you aren't the most outgoing person in the world, your work and living situation can dramatically improve your social life - or cripple it. And your social live, in turn, determines how frequently you meet new men. The frequency with which you meet new men not only gives you opportunities for meeting one you like, but it also gives you opportunities to practice interacting with men and to learn from your mistakes. I don't think it is a huge stretch to say that your choice of job and living location can play heavily into your success in the dating world.

You might question how simply moving to another location or job will improve your social life - and you'd be right that some additional effort is needed. But the sheer proximity to restaurants, other people, nightlife, museums, parks, stores, etc. - all of this facilitates social interaction. For example, if you live near a gym (which is very likely if you live in the city) you are more likely to meet people when you work out - at a spin class, or even while you are checking in. If you live near a park, you are more likely to run or walk there, and maybe join the sports leagues you see playing there on weeknights. If you live near nightlife, you can invite your coworkers out and give them a place to crash afterwards (this will create memories and develop friendships). All of this can help - in small or big ways - to expand your social circle. It isn't just about crossing paths with men; it's about living where more people are and where more things are happening, it's about exposing yourself to opportunities. In a sense, choosing where you live and work is the most fundamental way of making yourself approachable - a critical part of female game.

Of course you shouldn't completely neglect the financial or professional side of this decision; but does it really make sense to choose how to spend the majority of your waking hours without regard to who you will spend them with, or where they allow you to spend your free time? Does it really make sense to sacrifice opportunities to make friends and meet men, just for a small boost in your career?

So...
  • If your job actively prevents you from interacting with people you could make friends with, quit. Your professional life is almost definitely not as important as your social life.
  • If live in the suburbs, move to the city. You can find cheap place in any city. If it isn't as nice, get used to it. If you increase your commute 45 minutes a day, suck it up. Spend the time listening to books on tape or talking on the phone.
  • If you spend an hour a day on your laptop at home rather than in a coffee shop or some other public place because none are convenient to you - force yourself out of the house.
  • If you commute by car when you could take public transportation, consider switching.
  • If you pass up opportunities to go out to bars or nightclubs, or to hang out with coworkers because it is a pain to drive into the city - move closer.
  • If you don't go out to restaurants occasionally with your friends because you all live in different suburbs and nothing is local to you, move.
The list could go on forever, but you see the point: choose where you work and live wisely, because it will affect your social life, and by extension, your success with men.


Related Posts
1. Learn How to Be Social
2. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

20 comments:

  1. This is the story of my life right now. I went to school at a large public university in a vibrant city. I was a bit shy but got over it. Once I broke out of my shell I was meeting people and interacting with the type of guys I like. It was very common for me to go out 3 times a week and interact with guys. However, I recently graduated and took a job back home. I live with my parents and commute downtown for work. Its killing my social life. I try and go to coffee shops ect any chance I get. Since I live downtown and leave work right at rush hour I usually hang out at a nearby eating/shopping district to wait out the traffic.

    Im trying but moving closer to work just isnt practical financially, considering I am trying to go back to school and would like to save money. All the guys in the suburbs are too old or taken. Luckily Im making friends with younger people at my job and after this holiday work rush we plan on going out. I just turned 23 so Im not rushing anything but it would be nice to finally meet someone for a serious relationship.

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  2. One of the few pieces of advice that is applicable to both sexes. Improving logistics and socializing more is good for men too.

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  3. This is a good post. Andrew, you probably didn't feel chemistry with that amazing girl, maybe because she did not have curiosity, or an exciting life, or edge, which you need. You are only young once and you need a fun and fabulous life and dynamic friends and lots of memories (but not too many alphas game, or you'll become bitter) before you start the suburbs and family life. Twenty years ago I moved to the city, (before the internet! jobs and apartment searches were via newspaper) have never communted to the suburbs for work or apartments, ugh, dull. The financial industry, major hospitals and businesses are downtown and urban, that's where you find the fast and fun crowd...at thy gym, happy hour, and yes, work. Organize get togethers and have people over for drinks or brunch every now and then. Decorate that small apartment to "wow" Then start planning trips- snowboarding in Aspen, sunning in Miami, New Orleans for jazz fest, etc. etc...

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  4. How then did you meet her ?

    She sounds like an introvert. Extrovert people would not put up with this situation and would actively seek to change it by going out of their way to make sure they come into contact with lots of people.

    I guess you didn't "click" with her because you needed someone more extrovert and inclined to going out a lot. A friend of mine dropped a guy for being a homebody - even though he ticked all the boxes - ie good looking, good job, good pay, assets etc all because she needed someone to socialise with her - and she loved socialising - a lot. I guess she was young and beautiful so she could afford to toss him back into the pond.

    People like that should just go for internet dating or dating agencies, and request to meet people like them or who are OK with people like them

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    1. Actually I disagree, the qualities of this girl,sweet,feminine,gentle and beautiful would appeal to a masculine confident extrovert guy as their personalities complement each other.I feel differences can create attraction rather than repel it.
      Without knowing the girl personally I would say she has a nurturing aspect to her character that is incredibly appealing to a masculine guy.

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  5. This post could not be more relevant to me. I've been working at home for the last year or so and it has been pretty much the worst decision I could have made in terms of my social life. I have big changes planned for 2013 - new job, new city!

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  6. I thought (and I am still not sure if it is or not) that you wrote this blog more as a joke (one I really find hilarious, by the way) but now and then you seem far more serious and you write something that really shines. This is one of them. This is a very good advice, regardless if you are looking at dating or just meeting new friends; You have to be out there because otherwise things are just not going to happen, you don't magically meet new interesting people if you don't go out there, make yourself visible. it is what I told the old family members that are feeling lonely, it is what I tell the teenagers that are starting to livet their lives.

    You have to make an effort.

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  7. This is d story of my life tooo. I was dat chick who was bundled at home thruout my entire highschool.my parents didn't really fancy me socializin. Fast foward a year after highschool.I moved to another continent to start uni and boooooom!meeeeennnnnnn came flocking!it was d most overwhelming thing I had ever experienced till date.my fone was constantly ringing,I got gifts and flowers sent to my door step just because.I was honestly confused and didn't knw how to act or deal with all that attention because it was sooo alien to me.but yea! It made me realizee d importance of making urself seen,of proximity to d opposite sex and just how going to places and interacting can totally overhaul ur datin an love life.this post hitss home!long time reader.first time commentor.had to.

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  8. Often overlooked, but very significant. Where I live, not-so quality women enjoy a much higher status because there isn't a dime everywhere you walk (like NY or LA).

    Definitely agree that if you want a quality person, you do have to get out of your comfort zone sometimes.

    Latest Post: Some Sound Advice

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  9. I know that I posted my previous comment (that young women looking for marriage should try to get a guy two to four points below her to avoid him leaving her), but I'd also like to add that women may not be attracted to a guy to the guy she marries if he's so far below her own league. Women can't have it both ways: she can either marry a guy that is extremely attracted to her but she not him and have a lasting marriage, or she can marry someone she is very attracted to but he may leave in her old age. I'd also like to add that confident men though attractive are more likely to aim high and is more likely to divorce the average looking women. Therefore, all women, even the tens, should be aiming for an insecure guy that ranges an

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    1. No. That's nonsense. The world isn't black and white. You find someone you find attractive and has good human qualities. It's as simple as that.

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    2. I never said the world is black and white. I just believe that men are competitive and visually-driven. For men, it is pointless to stick with a woman once she grows old and is therefore no longer attractive. Either the man will leave her or will believe he can do no better and stick with her for that reason. Personally, I'd rather a man stick with me than be forced to find love again, which is nearly impossible after 30......

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    3. Its true that women become less attractive as they age but so do men.Besides divorce is not pleasant for either gender,in fact men stand to lose a large proportion of their income and their children when they divorce in the Western world.
      A man will not leave a woman simply on the basis that she has let herself go, although a woman obviously should make an effort after marriage.
      It can be hard to maintain your looks when you're taking care of babies and toddlers and you barely get time to sleep and an understanding husband knows this.
      In any case most divorces are initiated by women so I don't think guys are leaving their wives on their basis of their declining looks.

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  10. Ywhere from a one to a six, depending on how attractive she is. That's of course assuming she wants a lasting marriage with a guy that will respect her, or respect her at least a little.

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  11. The general concepts of going where men are are good, but the particulars (downtown, etc.) only apply in a few cities (Washington, NY, Chicago). In most cities, downtown is the last place to look for men, and public transportation is not a place to find anyone but real losers.

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    Replies
    1. The concepts apply in MANY more than a few cities, and even if they were applicable only in those few cities, those few cities contain a huge portion of the country's population - and an even larger portion of this blog's readership.

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  12. Your social life is more inportant than professional?? Wow are you serious i cant believe the advice you give to people are you trying to make them dumb?? Some people work so hard to get the jobs they have and no i dont agree that social is more important than professional/educational

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  13. love your blog! I think all the men will hate you because you betray them ,hahahahah .but all the women will love you instead

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  14. This article is very true. I was working as an interpreter in the UK for a while and sometimes attended police stations. I saw that some policemen liked me (I also met the new ones every time I went there) and I was thinking to myself that if only I was working there permanently, I would probably marry a policeman. I now think that your success in finding a good husband depends on where you work and your occupation. If you work as a doctor, interpreter, psychologist etc., then people respect you. Also, if you have a good job, it means you have money, so you can travel a lot and attend many places in general (to play golf, tennis, etc.). You can go where all middle class professionals go and meet nice people.

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  15. I agree with the above comment; the better job you have, the more money you have, the more social events that you can afford, and the more you can afford primping or attending to your beauty.

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