Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What Men Think About Your Virginity

Imagine you are dating a guy who doesn't know that you are a virgin. Everything is going well until, one night, he starts to push things past the limits of your sexual comfort zone. After a quick battle in your conscience, you stop him and reluctantly tell him "I can't..." followed by an apologetic, blush-filled explanation about how you were raised, how hard it is to constantly disappoint men, and how difficult it is to live with the fear of being "found out" by your friends. He is a little bit surprised at the news initially, but he says that it isn't a big deal. He even seems sincere when he tells you how much he admires your decision and sometimes wishes that he'd stayed a virgin too. However, in the next few days, his contact and initiative plummet. Before long he stops talking to you altogether. You are confused. You understand that men want sex, but this guy seemed different...

Sound familiar?

Of course, there are many variations on this story. Maybe you wanted to sleep with him, but something made him suspicious, and he asked if you were a virgin before anything happened. Or maybe you made it clear that you really didn't want to stay a virgin, but that you just needed a little longer together before having sex. Or maybe you actually asked him to sleep with you, right then and there, because you were fed up with being a virgin and figured you might as well lose it with him as with the next guy. However it happened for you, the result was probably the same: he disappeared.

You've probably assumed that men act this way for one or more of the following reasons:
  1. They think it will be too much work to sleep with you,
  2. They are "weirded out" by the fact that you've never had sex,
  3. They don't want to "suffer" through your inexperience.
For some men, a combination of these things will play a role in their decision, but usually it will be a minor one. If you are hot enough, men won't give up very easily at all - particularly players, who know that women often say no at first, only to give in soon afterwards. No man is "weirded out" by the idea of virginity to the point that it would actually prevent him from enjoying sex. And although sex might not be as great with a virgin as with a more experienced girl, few if any men have so many women at their fingertips that they can afford to discriminate based solely on anticipated performance. There is something deeper at work.

The primary reason that most men disappear after learning you are a virgin is simple but often overlooked: men don't want the responsibility of taking your virginity. Rightly or wrongly, men assume that in proportion to how long you've remained a virgin, your experience losing it will be "a big deal," and something that you want to do within the context of a serious relationship - even if you tell them otherwise. Men aren't afraid of or "weirded out" by your virginity; they are wary of the expectations that will accompany taking it from you.

It should go without saying that the men who are going to be most turned off by expectations or responsibility are the ones who know, in the back of their minds (or the forefront), that there isn't potential for a relationship. If a man really likes you, your virginity will not be impediment to dating. He will not balk at the idea of waiting until you are in a committed relationship (or possibly longer) for sex. In this sense, your virginity can actually serve as a good filtering mechanism for avoiding men who aren't interested in anything serious.

There are limits to this phenomenon, however. Once inside a committed relationship, even a man with the best intentions is likely to be put off if his girlfriend insists on waiting until marriage for sex. The convenient reality in these cases, however, is that the few women who insist on waiting until marriage are probably most compatible with the few men who are also willing to wait until marriage. So if you really believe that prolonged virginity or abstinence until marriage is important, consider this belief a filtering mechanism - no man without similar beliefs will be willing to wait that long.

It is also worth pointing out that men will be somewhat less scrupulous about taking a younger girl's virginity. Because younger girls haven't been virgins for as long, men (even young men) will assume that the girls care less about giving it away. Although there isn't a strict age cutoff for this assumption, it falls somewhere between 20 and 22. Before 20, almost no guy will be surprised at a girl's virginity. After 22, almost all men will assume that a girl's virginity is intentional. Keep in mind that the average age at which American girls reportedly lose their virginity is 17.

Also keep in mind that being surprised that a girl is still a virgin is not the same as thinking that she is "weird" because of it. I considered writing a paragraph explaining the age at which men will think a woman is "weird" for still being a virgin (since I know that some women worry about this), but in the process of trying to pinpoint that age, I realize two things: (a) there really isn't one, and (b) you shouldn't care anyway.

To conclude: men who disappear after learning you are a virgin wouldn't have stuck around in the long run anyway, and they certainly don't disappear because they are lazy or feel awkward about your inexperience. They are simply unwilling to deal with the moral hangover or relationship pressure of taking you through such an "important" event in your life, then walking away afterwards. And they will avoid doing so even if it means foregoing easy or guaranteed-STD-free sex. So if a guy disappears on you after you tell him about your virginity, don't feel the need go and to lose it at the next opportunity; just be glad you dodged a bullet.


Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
2. Dating As a Virgin (coming soon)
3. How to Look Good During Sex
4. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him

216 comments:

  1. Thank you Andrew! This is a post I really needed to read! I'm a 24 year old virgin and always felt a mixed of disappointment and relief when things did not pan out.

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  2. Once in a committed relationship, how long should a virgin wait? Is 6 or 7 months excessive?

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    1. It really depends on you and the kind of guy you are dating. I would never wait that long, but there might be some guys who would.

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    2. It depends...
      I can't believe that a guy would wait that long unless you're only maintaining your technical virginity. If you're giving freely of blowjobs or letting him put it in da butt, then its a different story. An attractive guy with options may wait for you if you're doing the above on a regular basis, or if he's getting some strange on the side...

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    3. I am 26 and still a virgin.

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    4. I waited until I felt ready, and that was 7 months, coincidentally. Honour your feelings and wait until you feel ready. My boyfriend loves and respects me and thinks I'm a catch and was falling in love with me before we have sex. And has an unusually high sex drive for a man. Even Andrew would wait that long for someone he felt that way about, I think. I should add that we have a wonderful sex life now, getting better all the time as I slowly fall and feel more comfortable. It isn't about being prudish or unwilling to eventually experiment. It's about having what you need emotionally to be there and being longerterm minded. Good things are worth waiting for.

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    5. That's what I'm wondering... No handy, no blowy kind of virgin.... Is a guy willing to be patient. I'm totally willing but only if it's a serious relationship/heading towards serious.

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    6. I have never met a girl I was willing to wait that long for. That is not to say that I wouldn't; I am just pointing out that it hasn't happened yet. Draw your own conclusions.

      I also would have an issue with sitting around for 7 months waiting for her "permission" to have sex. It would make me look like a chump and show her too much of the upper hand. After a couple months I think I would just tell her "look, either we have sex or I am out" - even if I was willing to wait for it from a physical/sexual standpoint. I am probably more stubborn/proud (in a bad way) than most men, but I would be wary of that sentiment in other guys, at least to lesser degrees.

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    7. If you found your diamond in the rough, sure. If you're still a teenager and he's inexperienced for whatever reason, maybe. In my first relationship I waited 3 months, but I was 16 and she was 15, and we were both from strict religious families.

      Once I got to college and saw how quickly girls put out my waiting time decreased very quickly.

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    8. I'd bet that if you met a virgin who was drop-deap gorgeous and you fell madly in love with her, you'd be willing to wait, because you'd be expecting to wife her.

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    9. If you've been dating the guy for 7 months and he's still around and you're ready then go for it! If you are setting 7 months as an arbitrary timeline I would say that's both a very weird amount of time for an arbitrary timeline and to knock that shit off and have sex when you feel ready. In my experience its hard to wait longer than 2 months when you know its right.

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    10. When I was a virgin and started dating someone I actually ended up waiting about 7 months. But it was only 2 months after we were officially exclusively dating. Before then we were just "hooking up" but were probably unofficially exclusive for an additional 3 months--so a total of 5 months of exclusive dating before I slept with him. Given, we did do other things much before that (after about a 1 month). For me, it was simply that I needed to feel a sense of trust and comfort, and that I wanted to be confident that the person cared deeply about me. I don't think a timeline is relevant at all, don't set a date to lose your virginity--THAT I think is what would be excessive. Just make sure you're in an exclusive relationship, you trust the person, and then go with your gut. I wasn't planning on losing my virginity when I did, I didn't wait for him to say he loved me (though he did a month later), it was just an ideal situation in a really beautiful place and it felt right.

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    11. oh and I also think it depends how old you are. I think men are much more willing to wait longer when you are younger and they are also not as experienced/haven't dated a lot. The situation above was from when I was a freshman in college, the guy was not a virgin but had only slept with two other people. Once men have gotten used to dating around and hooking up on a faster timeline, I think it would be much harder to find someone who would be willing to wait that long.

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    12. What are your views on women who are NOT virgins? I lost my virginity to my high school sweetheart and the only reason I did it was because I could have sworn he was going to be my "one and only"... But now since he dumped me, I feel sooo confused.. I feel as if no gut will like me cause I'm not a virgin or even worse... I fear that they will think I am easy or a some kind of disrespectful thing... Am I still respectful in a mens eye?

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    13. Not in a guy who wants to marry a virgin. In any other guy, you're just fine. Well, except perhaps guys who care about grammar and spelling.

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  3. It comes down to this - a woman should lose her virginity only to a man who is willing to support a child should such be a result of sexing.

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    1. Thank you, seventh-grade phys ed teacher.

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  4. When I lost my virginity, I didn't tell him in advance. He sort of just realized once I started to bleed.
    What would your reaction to that be? Would you think "shit now I have this responsibility"?

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    1. Good question. Yes and no. I think he might still get a little anxious about it, but much much less than if you told him before hand and "built it up." The very fact that you would let him sleep with you WITHOUT telling him you were a virgin indicates that you aren't that worried about losing your virginity, and takes some of the pressure off.

      If you'd been quick about it you could have just explained the blood by telling him it was the end of your period.

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    2. I did the same thing. Just didn´t tell him in advance. But had to tell him during, cause he couldn´t get in... He didn´t want to finish it, cause I think as you said he didn´t want to have the responsibility. But he couldn´t resist the excitment of the whole thing, so he did it in the end :).

      Andrew! Can you please have a post about women´s breast? The size, shape, everything? It comes up in every conversation I have with a guy. I want to have a better picture about the subject :).

      Keep up the good work! :)
      Mina

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  5. While we're talking about saving things for marriage, how do you tell a guy who wants you to move in with him that you won't cohabit until marriage?

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    1. "I won't live with anyone until we're married."

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    2. Yeah I think it really is that simple. Usually with this like this though it isn't what words you choose but how you say them. If you say it apologetically, you will sound like you have weak personal boundaries, while if you say it too strongly it will come across uncooperative and bitchy. But if you say matter-of-fact;y "I won't live with anyone until we're married." and then explain your reasoning, he will respect your boundaries.

      So you're actually dating a guy who WANTS to move in together, but you don't? That is rare...

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    3. Part of the problem is that I can't tell him my real reasons for not wanting to live together, though.

      I'm dating a guy who I could see myself marrying, and all too often, I see men using "living together" as a substitute for marriage, while the women falsely see it as a step towards marriage. So my reasons are as follows:

      1. I want to marry him, and I think moving in with him will create a disincentive for that to happen.
      2. Moving in sort of takes the fun out of marrying someone - I want to feel like I'm actually starting a life with that person after the wedding. I don't want the only thing that changes to be a piece of paper, my last name, and a legal title.

      I certainly can't tell him reason #1, though, because that's way too direct and I would just sound manipulative and like I have some kind of end goal in mind. How do I state my reasons for not moving in?

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    4. Just tell him reason #2 and keep #1 to yourself.

      I think #2 is a HUGELY valid reason for not moving in prior to marriage. In fact, when I discuss it with friends or girls I date, this is the reason I always cite. I point out that, if you are unwilling to move in together without having "tried out" every single aspect of your future life together, then you are approaching marriage with the wrong attitude.

      There are ALWAYS going to be things you dislike about each other, no matter how many of them you try to simulate prior to the wedding. Not living together prior to the wedding is a token of both partners' willingness to deal with the hurdles when they come, rather than trying to evade them from the outset (which is impossible).

      I think this is the reason behind your gut feeling that SOMEthing should change after the wedding.

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    5. I agree. #2 is a valid reason. If you're already cohabiting, getting married (assuming it happens) is kind of like making a stop at the church/courthouse, throwing a massive party, and then just going home afterward.

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    6. Andrew, I was surprised that you said it's rare for the guy to want to move in but not the girl...........practically all the guys I was seriously involved with wanted to move in...and I didn't because I know that cohabitation is bad for marriage (studies actually show that marital satisfaction is lower if ppl cohabitated prior, although there may be confounds for the effect--also the "why pay for free milk" issue comes up)

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  6. I also heard from another male blogger that it's because he's finished the "conquest" and since he got the sex he wanted, he sees no reason to stick around
    in other words, you gave it up, now there's no more appeal/mystery/challenge, so he leaves
    this happens with first-time sex with any guys though, but especially with virginity
    (according to What Women Never Hear - wwnh.wordpress.com)

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    1. So is 7 months not enough to screen against those guys?

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    2. I don't know--is 7 months long enough for you to get to know and trust a man and his motives?

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    3. Anon, I am not following you... There is no "conquest" if there is no sex, so this can't be an explanation. I am talking about situations in which a girl is a virgin and the guy disappears before they have sex - even if she tells him she wants him to take his virginity.

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    4. oh crap lol you're totally right andrew i misread a part of your post :p hehe sorry
      wellll my comment is still valid, just not here :P

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    5. @Joe
      "I don't know--is 7 months long enough for you to get to know and trust a man and his motives?"

      7 months long enough for men to wait for sex and know women motive ? men won't wait for 7 months for sex, right ? 7 months long enough for me to know and trust a man and his motives

      so not fair

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    6. Anon, I don't understand your response. I was answering Lisa's question. If she is confident that she can get to know a man and be able to trust him and his motives in 7 months, then sure, 7 months is long enough to screen against a pump-n-dump kind of guy. If, at 7 months, she is still not sure about him, then obviously a longer wait is necessary.

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  7. Would a guy have the same thought process of fearing responsibility of taking a girl's virginity if he too is a virgin? Wouldn't he jump at the opportunity to have sex?

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    1. If a man is attractive enough that you're considering having sex with him, it's much more probable that his virginity is motivated by other factors than lack of options, so most likely no and no.

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    2. I'm a male virgin at 32 but not for lack of options*. I only seem to become attracted to women with whom I either am already friends or share interests. Probably because I'm almost completely blind to flirting(I've been getting better at spotting it, but it had to be spelled out for me.) and regularly engage people in friendly conversation regardless of gender, which some may mistake for flirting.

      I got directed here from hookingupsmart and while I find this blog insightful, the explanations of men's internal processes seem almost completely alien to my own. Then again, I'm weird to a degree that belies my magnetic personality. I only became interested in having sex within the past three years.

      *And by all accounts women find me attractive. I've turned down advances more than I've been rejected.

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  8. I completely agree with you on this one!!

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  9. I just found your blog a couple of hours ago and have been reading lots of posts already and I really love it! Thank you for your insights! :) I featured you in a blogpost on my blog btw if you want to check it out http://cupidjazmine.blogspot.fi/2013/03/the-rules-revisited.html

    Keep up the good work! / Jazmine, Finland

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  10. Another reason I would be wary of virgins is - rightly or wrongly - I'd anticipate them to become quite clingy after sex. If a woman has no experience dealing with the emotional consequences of sex and handling the oxytocin release I would be worried she might go a bit pyscho. Women with experience know the steps they have to take to keep this under control.

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    1. Yeah I agree with that. I think this is another form of the same phenomenon I described in the post - worried about what kind of commitment/attachment taking her virginity might induce, and the difficulty navigating your way out of it afterwards.

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    2. And yet wouldn't this attachment (at least a level a bit less than 'psycho') be ideal in a wife? It both amazes and saddens me that girls these days have to worry about excusing away their virginity. Thanks, feminism.

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    3. Why are you blaming feminism? Men don't have to sleep with women until they are ready to be married.

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    4. In a wife yes. But not many men have marriage on their minds. And you can blame feminism for the conditions that have given rise to this.

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    5. Before the Pill, the sexual revolution, and two generations of feminists claiming that women should go out and fuck like men, virginity was presumptive. A girl was expected to be a virgin until marriage. Now it's the exact opposite. Extensive sexual experience is the expectation and virginity the aberration. The social norms have changed under feminism's influence.

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    6. Feminism never claimed that women should go out and fuck like men. Feminism just wanted women to have the right to fuck whatever way suits them - there is no assumption or expectation .Although feminism did influence social norms there are many other contributing factors such as liberalism, libertarianism, freedom of speech and personal expression etc.

      If a girl wants to stay a virgin that's ok. If a girl wants to sleep with 100 men that's ok - there is no 'right' and no 'wrong' here.

      Andrew is just explaining what the average guy thinks of dating a virgin. The girl in question should still develop the strength of character to make up her own mind and then deal with the consequences of the decision she chooses.

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    7. I have known enough clingy and emotional non-virgins to tell you that this is not true. I know that guys think this way. But sex intensifies feelings for woman irregardless, and there is no telling how the relationship will change thereafter. You have to look more on the woman's personality in difficult situations and her level of 'clingyness' in other relationships to gauge.

      The potential of a woman going psycho is on her. I mean, for you, what is the worst that can happen? It will be annoying and uncomfortable. Breaking up with a woman or divorce can stimulate the same response. This is not virgin vs non-virgin.

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  11. Andrew, I think you're on the wrong track here. The guy who stays around to "take the responsibility" of a girl's virginity is a more risky bet than the guy who doesn't. The only time this would not be so is when the virginity in question is to uphold a shared religious promise.

    Here's why.

    There's no telling if the guy who stays is staying because of his conscience - he could be inexperienced, shy, have no other opportunities, be dependent on the girl's presence, unwilling to risk loss of friendship with her, or just be a cad who's doubling down on his pre-sex time investment. Guys are not known for their ready communication on these matters, if indeed they understand what's going on in their heads themselves, so how would an inexperienced girl know for sure? Only if he himself remains celibate and declares truthfully that his reasons for doing so are because he loves the girl could there be any certainty he's in the relationship for the long haul.

    The man who disappears because he truly doesn't want the responsibility for taking the girl's virginity clearly has an active conscience and must be at least partially aware of the value of chastity. As disappointing it may be for the girl if he leaves, his active conscience makes him a better bet for a serious relationship later when he's ready to take responsibility for it.

    What his staying around certainly isn't is a demonstration of his worth as a future husband. Unless, of course, that shared religious promise exists.

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    1. You make a valid point, however, I think there are down-sides to both men (the one who bails and the one who is willing to wait indefinitely). The one who bails wasn't interested. True, he has a conscience, but his unwillingness to hang around is a blatent red flag indicating his lack of desire to be with her. (And besides, he is gone, so he is out of the picture. Forget him.)

      On the other extreme, you have the guy who is willing to wait as long as she wants, and this also causes problems, as you point out. A guy who is so desperate that he waits for sex for weeks or months until SHE is ready, is probably a guy who will be very committed to her, but not the kind of guy who she will respect or who will be assertive enough to be a strong father and husband.

      The best option is a balance: a man who doesn't run when she refuses sex initially, but also doesn't wait around like a chump when she wants to wait forever - unless, as you say, he has strong convictions (religious or otherwise) that match hers.

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    2. Andrew, love your blog! I disagree when you write, "not the kind of guy who she will respect or who will be assertive enough to be a strong father and husband."

      I'm about 100% certain my parents waited until marriage for sex, and by all means, my dad wears the pants in the relationship. My mom, sister, and I respect and honor him.

      Then again, my parents are faithful Christians, and the "average guy" you describe most likely isn't.

      Keep up your good work!

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  12. Then what are we supposed to do?

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    1. Who, virgins? I am working on a post about that now. Look for it in the next month or so.

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  13. How do you communicate that you want to wait until you and your boyfriend are in love to have sex?

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    1. I am working on a post about that now. Look for it in the next month or so.

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    2. Andrew, any chance you could have a look at my question (in case you missed it)? http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/03/yeah-thats-about-right.html?showComment=1363773905903#c483740402019104520

      Thanks!!!

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    3. Cool, will look forward to it! Also, sort of involving this and the post about men and women falling in love differently...how do you KNOW when a man has fallen in love with you? In the past, I have withheld sex for a while until I was sure a man was committed and was into me more than just for the sex. But this has sometimes not worked, and the guy has lost interest after we were having sex for a while. I was sure he was totally in love with me, but it appeared to be just lust in the end. This has led me to wanting to be sure that a man is in love with me before having sex. But how to be SURE?

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    4. Anon he tells you he loves you, that's when you know.

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    5. Well, it's actually when he tells you he loves you without being prompted, often, and apropos of nothing. If he tells you he loves you in response to YOUR "I love you" declaration, there's no real guarantee that he's being honest, since there's some expectation of an "ILY, too" in response to your "ILY."

      Anon, a man could be in love with you when you have sex for the first time, but fall out of love afterward. Having sex is no guarantee that he'll stay in love with you.

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  14. I see a lot of 'how should a girl act to get the guy' posts. I don't think it should be a card that is played with the same hand each time. I used to be VERY serious about losing my virginity in a serious relationship. But then when the guy in my serious relationship waited around for the sex, life happened and I had to move for school. I ended up never sleeping with him because it would have tormented me to have sex with a guy that I liked, who waited, but who I couldn't be with.

    Later, I just let loose and lost my virginity to a guy that I was sort of friends with. It was a great decision for me, because I knew in advance that I didn't want it to go anywhere with him. And he wasn't too bad on the eyes, nice guy too.

    So, perhaps women can have sex like men in some cases. Like sex with the random hot guy just because you are horny. But still wait out for someone serious to make it more than sex. After all the years of holding out, I don't think it was worth it unless you have religious reasons for it. Make sure that the guy is someone that you are friends with, but without long term potential, or a serious boyfriend.

    I would make the guys that I am serious about wait longer, probably relationship title prior to sex. 1 month, somewhere after 6th date.

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    1. Excellent advice. Don't forget to tell the 'serious guy' you're making wait that you fucked the 'random hot guy' right away.

      He'll respect that and understand that you're a real catch.

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    2. Thanks for the sarcasm. What do my sexual choices have to do with being a real catch? It's not like I am promoting sleeping around with every random hot guy around. So, when I held onto sex with all guys, then I was a real catch? It's nonsense. I am the same person, irregardless.

      Why is it so offensive to make the guy that I am serious with wait a bit? Maybe I actually want to get to know him and develop intimacy. As for the random hot guy, I don't see a relationship with him. So there was no need to tie the physical with the emotional.

      None of the 'serious guys' in my past ever held it against me. I haven't met a virgin guy my age, nor do I plan to seek one out. I guarantee that they have done the same, even worse. It happened on one occasion and it's not like I am in the habit of using hot men for sex.

      That is kind of judgmental. Don't know where you are coming from.

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    3. @ Vicomte: Also, why would the guy in a serious relationship with me be asking about it? Most men have slept with a number of random hot girls. It doesn't mean they aren't capable of being loving and romantic.

      Whether someone is a 'real catch' is beyond the scope of sex. You either are or you aren't. I am respected for different parts of my personality or intellect. The fact that I was horny one night with some hot guy has nothing to do with it. Your sexual decisions of the night have no bearing on your compatibility or ability to be a good partner in life.

      I haven't had a problem being a good catch. Just writing so much because it is false for other women to believe that their virginity or sexual choices define their worth. And I am not talking about being sexually loose.

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    4. @Valentina - Agree with you on all points.

      Didn't get this from your post but I'm long past the point of caring what one man thinks about my sexual past. I haven't slept with lots of people because it doesn't suit me and I don't desire it constantly. It's very difficult for me to find a man in my life I can respect. I think that, with obvious health implications aside, when you have sex in a relationship it should be like a blank slate.

      I lost my virginity to a man I was in love with but(as it turned out) wasn't in love with me. He knew I wanted more and exploited me for that. People say your first experience of sex can influence how you approach it in future. It certainly has with me as I often have a pretty cynical attitude to men and wonder when they'll want to get their leg over someone else. I think you lost yours in the best way because it was with someone who cared about you, relationship or not.

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    5. Imagine you have just been hired for a new job, along with another girl.

      The other girl shows up the first day, and your boss pays her six months wages up front, because he needs the staff right now.

      Your boss takes you aside and says that he could pay you now, but he can tell you've got potential to be very important to the company, so he will allow you to work for free for six months, and then pay your wages once he knows you will be a good match for the company.

      The other girl takes the money and quits her job that night.

      You work for six months free of charge. Maybe you get paid, and maybe you don't. But you wait, because, as a serious employee, you must prove your worth before you get paid, unlike the not-serious girl, who didn't have to wait because she obviously didn't have the potential that you do.

      Follow me?

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    6. Valentina, I agree with you. I also don't think that in the situation that you described you were being calculating and thinking "haha I'm going to make this sucker wait for sex even though I gave it away with no strings attached to the other guy". It's more like every relationship has it's own dynamics and timing. In general, if you want something serious, it is better to get to know each other before having sex. It is for the benefit of both parties involved. There are other times when getting to know the person or developing emotional intimacy are not a concern of the woman - just like is often the case with men.

      I know that a lot of men care a lot about a woman's sexual past but I am a feminist in that I don't really appreciate a man having the attitude that the purity of my vagina is his or my commodity. I would rather be judged by other things rather than how "untouched" I am. I don't think that having less sexual partners = being a better person. I'm a human being not a commodity and I don't want to be married with a man who has that mindset (but unfortunately many men do).

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    7. Your perception is skewed because maybe your 'prize' is the sex itself. The pay day is being with the girl, making each other happy, and having a family. If that is considered work for you, then maybe I am more about serious relationships than you are all along.

      First off, I don't have multiple employees working for me. The point of being with someone is not to see who gets the competitive edge of 'hitting it' first. And you are not waiting, you are living your life. You are dating and getting to know one another. In the scale of things, holding off on sex for 1 month of dating someone that makes you happy isn't much of a burden.

      So yeah, I slept with some hot guy friend after one date. I knew him for a lot longer than that, which is not the point. I am not punishing Mr.Perfect with the burden of being with me. Actually, the 1-date man wanted to make a relationship of it. I didn't.

      If you were the guy taking me seriously, you wouldn't sleep with me right away either.

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    8. Vivian, I agree with you. I don't think it is few men that actually think this way. Yes, men tend to get jealous at the number of men you slept with in the past. To be honest, if a man loves you, he thinks any number is too many. And really, I find no need to discuss your past sexual history with a man unless you are in a serious relationship. In all other cases, it is really none of his business. It is not as if I have made a lifestyle of it to garner a reputation.

      I have never dated a man with a smaller sexual history than mine. I take it that most women in agreement don't intend to date a virgin male. So, it actually works out for those of us with a higher sex drive. And I am not sure by what means a man has to go through to find an untouched woman in the USA in this day and age. It has to be through some religious facet.

      Anyway, by the time you get to the how many men have you slept with conversation...it really won't be a point of breaking up. All of my friends are happily married and the past never mattered. Couple of bfs, couple of flings, so what? You can't lock your hormones up while waiting for Mr. Perfect to show up. Life moves on and you work on yourself as a woman.

      I'd like to see an attractive guy go: "What? You slept with Joe after one date and made me wait around for 6 and fall in love with you? Well, it's over!" Really, it's laughable.

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    9. Allow me a different thought experiment, then:

      You are a guy at a bar ordering drinks. You have been dating a girl you really like for a few months, and have not had sex with her because, while you both really like each other, she wants to wait (as per your line of thought). You don't mind waiting because you like her so much, and see a real future with her. Naturally you really want to have sex with her, and your thoughts turn to how special it will be, and how good it will feel to finally have her in your bed, your arms; to feel her, and know her intimately.

      You can see her seated at your table at the other side of the room, and it occurs to you as you look at her that you genuinely care for her; you are proud to call her your girl, and you are proud that you are her guy.

      The guy next to you at the bar sees you looking at your girl admiringly, and he nods and says "That one? Yeah, we went on a date once. I fucked her that night. Didn't talk to her much after that, but it was cool'.

      How do you feel?

      (Kindly refrain from dissecting the metaphor and simply imagine this a real scenario.)

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    10. @ Vicomte: First off, let me tell you that it would be sort of funny. The chances of that happening are so slim to none. That I would immediately buy a ticket to win the next multi-million jackpot. I am really not as promiscuous as you are insinuating.

      Now, as for the situation. I see where you are coming from and it would make Mr. Perfect feel shitty. He would probably be mad at me. But he would get over it because eventually he would get the chance to sleep with me too. The random guy can claim that he had sex with me. Making love with me is a completely different thing.

      And I am sure that you would feel really jealous. But I can almost guarantee that I would feel the same thinking of your past sexual encounters, whether they were with girlfriends or not. No one wants anyone else touching what is yours. But the truth is that I didn't know you back then. My past made me into the woman that I am today, with you. You make decisions that are wrong or based on impulses all the time. You learn from them and move forward. That is the point of life.

      Do you think you would feel any better had the guy next to you been my ex boyfriend. He would tell you that he loved me and never got to touch me like that. I assure you that wouldn't make you any less uncomfortable. Or what if the guy was a serious bf that I did sleep with?

      I had a life before I met you. You are a great partner in the journey, maybe the love of my life. But I was becoming a whole woman before you came along. And you would want me to be a whole women and not an appendage to your love story.

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    11. By the way, Vicomte. Your progression of thought was 'classic male'. A woman uses sex to get love. A man uses love to get sex. Chances are that I already really liked you by the time that I sleep with you. It's just the next step. For a man, he needs the sex to complete his thoughts on really liking you.

      Because the thoughts of a woman masturbating to make it to the point of meeting you. Does that really beat the alternative of her sleeping with a couple of guys here and there? You would have to be pretty insecure with what you have with her to think that the latter degrades your relationship. Or do you think that virgins are asexual, until you unlock the key to their sexuality? If my sex drive was low enough to hold out without anything for that long, I trust that you would probably drop me for the type of sex life our relationship would have. Unless you are fine with waiting another 20 some years for me to be stimulated again. Just saying that really you got to see it from the other side of things to judge. We are not talking about a 15 year old girl here.

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    12. Shitty, jealous, and angry.

      Sounds about right. (Take notes, kids.)

      Thank you for your participation, Valentina.

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    13. Vicomte, I don't see your point. So what that you are jealous and angry? Do you want me to base the next 5 years of my life just so some hypothetical future love interest will not feel 'shitty, jealous, or angry'?

      We are not living in eutopia here. Love is hard. So what that I made you feel that way? You will make me feel that way too. You work on the relationship because you want to be together.

      I am curious. What would you like me to do while waiting for Mr Perfect to come around? Some people fall in love late in life.

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    14. @Valentina

      "So, perhaps women can have sex like men in some cases. Like sex with the random hot guy just because you are horny."

      Guys DO NOT have sex with random girls whenever they're horny. The concept of rape was invented to prevent that.

      This idea that having sex with random men whenever she wants is 'empowering' for women or somehow equivalent to men is a perversion of the truth - and a mindless one at that. Having sex with random men is NOT an accomplishment for women. It's just about the easiest thing most women can do. Try it. Go to a bar at midnight dressed like a slut and do absolutely nothing. Sex will come to you. The truth is that a horny woman looking for sex is as weak and powerless as the least of women. She is not at all like a man and certainly not empowered in any way at all.

      For men, having sex with random women whenever they're horny is impossible. Irrespective of their skill with women, getting sex is like climbing Mt Everest for most men, so it always takes extraordinary effort. Some men are very skilled and can both identify the easiest route to the summit and traverse it artfully, but it always takes work and no-one reaches the peak at every attempt. When it comes to sex with random women most men never leave base camp, especially when horny. Do not confuse the DESIRE to have sex with its accomplishment.

      If you want to draw some sort of equivalence between men and women in the sexual market place, then you need to take their psychosexual differences into account. Since men are the gatekeepers of commitment like women are the gatekeepers of sex, the equivalent of a man who can secure sex with random women is a woman who can secure random male suitors for marriage. How many women these days do you know who can do this?

      I daresay none at all.

      The truth is that there are very few empowered women left. Feminism has seen to this. It has persuaded gullible women to define and covet power only in male terms, which for women is no power at all. At what cost? A life of labour and random sex with strangers. Yay feminism.

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    15. Okay, I see where you are taking this. I wasn't actually making a point of women hooking up with random strangers, within that implication was the word 'like' and 'in some cases'. And I did not mention this to mean that it is a form of empowerment for women to act in this manner. Each woman decides what she wants to do with her mind and body in a given situation differently. It is not by the one size fits all principle. Just like keeping your legs closed to find love is not a one size fits all scenario. People look for compatibility in a partner that has nothing to do with feminism, and sexuality is only one part of it. Wherein different men have variant sexual drives and needs to be fulfilled by their woman.

      Feminism has nothing to do with this. I am actually not a feminism at all, nor am I a proponent of classic patriarchy. In reality, it doesn't even matter what I am as each person makes their own choices. The type of male-female dominance that one seeks out in their future relationships is based on their past experience and role of the other gender in their life. Feminists marry men that believe in their cause. Just as women that like to be dominated by men in all aspects of life find a similar mate. I don't see what the problem with 'yay feminism' is. People can believe what they choose. You can choose to marry someone else.

      Males and females can do as they please with their sexuality, as long as it holds true to their morals. In general, you will find someone that is in agreement with your values on sex. That is probably the person that is most compatible with you anyway. And if you do fall in love with someone that doesn't like your sexual history, they will love you enough as a person to get over it or move on. The decisions you make, whether right or wrong, made you who you are today.

      Sexuality is not something to be ashamed of either. If you want to sleep with a hot man or woman, you can do so without thinking some hypothetical future husband will drop you for it. Considering that most Americans lose their virginity at an early age and have few relationships, while remaining sexually active. You do the math and make your own conclusions.

      Really it is not the end of the world to be weak and powerless when presented with something that you really want on few occasions. In fact, being in tune with your mental and physical needs is powerful. Holding a lock-and-key on your sexuality for fear of repercussion by society or one man's opinion is the epidemy of being powerless.

      Anyway, since I am not a feminist, what do I care about power? I don't live my life to make a statement of it. I do what I see fit based on my needs and circumstances. I believe that both males and females should do so as well. It is great to have advice on love and life. But in the end, only you make your own decisions and live with them. Just because you follow this blog to the tee or sit around with your legs closed waiting for Prince Charming with conviction does not mean you will find eternal bliss. You can control your love life, but not so much by restricting your sexuality.

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    16. You do realise that the definition of feminism is for women to have equal rights and opportunity as men?? Before feminism in the west women weren't given the same rights as men. What do you mean I'm not a feminist at all?? Honestly woman =.=

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    17. You do realize that there are many facets to feminism. Being in agreement with some and not with others doesn't qualify you as a feminist. Feminism is an ideology large enough for people to get an entire college degree on just that, write books. But thanks for breaking it down into a one sentence definition.

      Honestly Geteducated.

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    18. Men who say these things about feminism are merely frustrated because they aren't successful in their own lives so they are lashing out on people he thinks are taking his success away from him. I'm sure he would have equally impressive beliefs about immigrants.

      Men like this are insecure. Ladies if you meet a man like this IRL, stay far away. That man will be nothing but pain and suffering. We deserve men who celebrity the entirety of our being, our soul, our femininity, our strength and our equality. Don't settle for insecure, frustrated assholes.

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    19. I would just add a bit of nuance to what Jacob Ian Stalk said earlier. The pursuit of sex or commitment is only an accomplishment if the men and women are playing within their own or a higher league. Acquiring sex or commitment from someone (even strangers) far below one's league is presumably easy but also hardly commendable.

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  15. I find this entire thing incredibly depressing. For me at least, you're basically saying that something I want to be special, something I value in myself, doesn't mean anything to a potential partner, and may in fact be a huge liability in being able to keep a man interested. And your advice here in the comments section is to lie to the guy about it? Like, you can't talk to your partner about this aspect of yourself at all?

    I'm sorry, but how screwed up has society become that women are now humiliated for not losing it in high school? Not all of us are comfortable with casual fucking, and not all of us are lucky enough to have "fallen in love" as a 16 year old.

    Also, how does this jive with the fact that some men refuse to marry a girl that isn't a virgin when they start dating? If it's a quality that some men value, isn't it something worth discussing? Does that discussion have to put undue pressure on the relationship?

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    1. "I'm sorry, but how screwed up has society become that women are now humiliated for not losing it in high school?"

      Pretty screwed up. I am just telling you how it is, not that I think it is a good thing that it is that way.

      "Also, how does this jive with the fact that some men refuse to marry a girl that isn't a virgin when they start dating?"

      They are the exception. Most men don't require this.

      But listen, there are plenty of men who will respect the fact that you are a virgin. And if you are the kind of woman who wants to stay a virgin until marriage, chances are you mostly associate with men who think similarly, and value your virginity. So relax.

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  16. You're making a big deal out of something that is not a big deal. Lifelong monogamy is a fairly recent invention, and not at all natural.

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    1. Virginity being a hazard in a relationship is fairly new. Committed, monogamous relationships are not. At least, in Western, Judeo-Christian civilization. If you're using any civilization east of the Balkans for your second sentence, you're comparing apples to oranges. This is a cultural issue being addressed here, not a bio-evolutionary one.

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  17. That is taking this to an extreme. Everyone values different things in life. Just because someone chooses not to lock away their virginity for one special person, does not mean that they don't value it. Sex is an important part of life, just like puberty or death or your first kiss. No one is going to impose on your beliefs for any of these. But people will judge them in regards to their own values.

    It is thereafter, their right to decide whether or not they agree with you. And likewise, it is their right to decide to stop dating you because of them. This is the same for everything else. I don't see it as offensive. Like if I told the guy I was dating that I was a vegan and really against animal cruelty, he could decide to stop dating me. Maybe he was raised in a culture that eats a lot of meat and hunts deer. Just an example.

    Andrew never said to lie about it. Omitting that information before sex with someone that you aren't serious with, is not equivalent to a lie. You seem angered about the 'liability to keeping a man interested' part. And this is just a fact of life not specific to revealing your opinion on sex. A guy can similarly stop dating you based on your opinion on abortion, domestic responsibilities, religion, nutrition, exercise, fashion sense, dreams and aspirations.

    Like it or not, men have a harder time holding off on sex. Testosterone peaks for them in their teens to early/mid 20s. Estrogen peaks for us in our early 30s. So, it is not fair to judge men and women side-by-side. If your idea of placing value on sex is holding onto it, then you can surely find someone of equal caliber. Men with similar values are harder to find because of differences in hormones and psychology (i.e. brains are wired differently).

    And I would say that it is extremely rare to find a man that wants to marry a virgin, without exceptions. It doesn't mean that he won't. But it makes sense. If you are really liberal, you are not likely going to marry a right-winged conservative.

    Why is it so shocking and screwed up? Like attracts like. If your dream man values sex differently, even if he stuck by you, what kind of relationship would you have? Same as a more superficially minded guy dating a girl that doesn't think beauty is important.

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    1. I like what you said. It's something you can be philosophical about and not take too personally. Whatever a person values or wants in a relationship is down to a mixture of upbringing and life experiences. It's so intangible that no one can really pinpoint all the factors which affect their level of attraction. Sometimes they don't see the whole 'you' but reject you anyway. Again, this is not something always within a person's control.

      At the same time, people often overlook someone for superficial reasons or they might not be open-minded enough, assuming that something will be a point of conflict when it isn't - essentially looking for people who are mirrors of themselves. I am not vegan. I don't have a problem with dating a vegan as long as he doesn't try to enforce his views on me because that doesn't threaten my values. The idea of dating someone with a different approach on a certain issue can seem very challenging for some people and they will bail because it seems like too much work or because you don't fit into their checklist. That seems understandable to me. There can be a collision course of values when it comes to raising children for instance, in a way which doesn't register when you're in the dating phase.

      I wouldn't outright reject someone who was a virgin. However I'd assume, rightly or wrongly, that it's easier to measure sexual compatibility with someone who has already had experience of sex. And to think that I was really upset at my last boyfriend for not wanting sex. Really I should have noted our lack of agreement on that and not taken it as a personal criticism.

      Learning to be more understanding of men and how they feel has helped me become more grounded. I hope this blog will deal more with that. There are so few dating blogs aimed at women which really take into account how men feel. It's so easy to overlook that because a lot of men aren't great at communicating their feelings. Well men and women should be more understanding of each other and meet somewhere in the middle.

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    2. I agree with you, Lucy. Except that I would not seriously consider a man that is a virgin. If his reason is religious, that means that I would not understand the precedence of it in my sex life. And he would probably make it a larger facet of his life than I would like to, pass that on to my kids. No thanks.

      Most men have lost their virginity by their early 20s. It would really be hard to find someone of either gender that hasn't. I really haven't come across one yet. This blog may make you feel that way because it does attract men that analyze relationships and sex more by nature.

      It is probably just best to date men that are better at communication. Or rather, that you understand one another. Men are pretty quick to show you how they feel. They are the first ones to say they love you and all. You just dated the wrong guy. You don't have to get a doctorate in the male psyche to find the man of your dreams. I am sure it will happen without this groundwork. I like psychology. For others, reading here gives them ideas to become a better mate.

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    3. 'I agree with you, Lucy. Except that I would not seriously consider a man that is a virgin.'

      Hold the phone, girlfriend.

      A woman's sexual history is irrelevant but a man's matters?

      That almost sounds...judgmental.

      Kids at Home: Take note of cognitive dissonance before it is explained away in a flood of text.

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    4. No, sexual history has no bearing on your worth as a person. But your sexual history does describe your values. The two are mutually exclusive. And I don't separate my opinion based on gender.

      Judging my worth as a mate based when or how I lost my sexual experience off an online encounter is meaningless. Judging my values based on my actions in what this entire blog is about. Yes, if you hold out on sex for one woman, you express your value of sex differently then me. That is an obvious fact, not a judgement. And if I choose not to date you because of your values, it is because they collide with mine. We don't understand one another. Not because you are any less of a person.

      I know that you are speaking to me, so do so. There are no kids to take note. Sorry if my opinion is different. I don't see why it should make you angry. If you are a virgin male, then you are probably better off with someone that expresses their value of sex in that way.

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    5. @ Vicomte: As for cognitive dissonance, it is ill-used in this case. I do not feel confusion or discomfort in expressing two different viewpoints. I am expressing one opinion but the situations are different. Even in psychology, one size does not fit all. Decisions are fluid based on circumstances.

      And even then, I can't guarantee it 100% that I would never seriously date a male virgin. I just most likely don't see it happening. A bird can love a fish, but where would they live? It's like that.

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    6. 'Sexual history has no bearing on your worth as a person.' To men it does. You seem preoccupied with this concept of 'worth' and 'being judged'. This is important. This is a blog about how men think about women. You would do well to listen to them.

      I'm not angry, and I was referring to those others who may be reading.

      I know well enough that I'm not going to change your mind, but I do hope some of the women lurking may take a moment to think about why your philosophy is not the most advantageous one to hold, and that it is confused and flawed and a product of making oneself feel better rather than making oneself better.

      My intent, much like Andrew's, is to describe to the women here how men think, and to hopefully help women navigate their sexual and romantic lives in a way that is grounded in reality.

      I understand you quite well. the point I'm trying to get across, to the aforementioned kids at home, is that there are other ways to do this. That we don't have to be fatalists who simply believe shit happens and sometimes it doesn't.

      And that there are better ways and worse ways to go about it.

      On that note, I humbly retire for the night. Navigating your thoughts has given me a headache, and I leave the task for men better suited to it than I.

      Good luck on your future endeavors, Miss.

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    7. Truly secure men don't ask women about their sexual history, they only care about the future.

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    8. @Valentina - Perhaps I did date the wrong men but then I was wrong for them too. I've never had a man say 'I love you' without me saying it first. The men I dated didn't often make their feelings obvious - like a huge guessing game. I hope I can find a man to date who I don't have to constantly try to work out. Maybe the fact I found those guys says as much about me as it does about them.

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    9. @Lucy: You most likely do not find these guys, you actively choose them. You attract them by the way in which you act, choose them based on your experiences with men and love in the past. I can't tell you how you are supposed to act. I just know that I get a different response by playing the passive card. It might even start at agreeing to date a guy. Or choosing to continue dating him. Guy asks me out, calls me, picks me up for date, pays for me, asks me into a relationship, etc. Guys are biologically predisposed to be the aggressors and chase. If you aren't making him feel like that, then you have to move on. Look at history, men proclaimed their love and fought wars over women (i.e. Troy with the horse). There is no guessing involved. If his feelings and sex drive are strong enough, he will make sure you know it. Once you get that response from a man, there is no way that you will ever consider dating someone that makes you play battleship with figuring out his intentions.

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    10. @ Julia: I agree with you. I think this particular blog post is a little biased when it comes to male response to this issue. Most of the sexually active men I can think of wouldn't go as far to read this blog for women or comment on this post. Generally, men are not this analytic about women as we are. They resort to similar blogs for pick up tactics not how-to-marry-women ones. Even Andrew, I believe is writing from interest in psychology. It's actually not very common for men. It makes sense that men-seeking-virgins or with religious convictions to this issue would comment here.

      Not a problem. Just hope that women are not basing their decisions on the thoughts of a couple men representing the typical male.

      Just an observation. Not an expert, but I am not on here because I have never made a guy feel like he wants to marry me. We could all use advice though. Just not foolish enough to believe that sexual history is a formula to finding love. Or any of these posts. You just up your chances of being noticed by reading here.

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    11. @Valentine - Thank you. This is mostly the reason I'm staying single until I figure this out better. I do find it hard to come across as approachable because I'm pretty nervous in social situations (social anxiety). It's like I have a certain front on that the guy would have to break down. It's not intentional at all. I realise now that I spent time with those men because I was scared of real affection and didn't think I was good enough to get someone on my level.

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    12. @ Valentina

      "sexual history has no bearing on your worth as a person"

      @ Julia

      "Truly secure men don't ask women about their sexual history, they only care about the future."

      Both of these notions are nonsense. Of course sexual history matters. It matters to men more than women obviously. A woman loses a little of her ability to bond with a man with every sexual partner she has, which makes her less likely to love her husband for the long haul and remain faithful in marriage. In financial terms, a woman is a greater divorce risk (with the ill-gotten gains the corrupt family courts often provide, which can destroy a man) with each notch on her bedpost. Her sense of self-worth also diminishes (read Dalrock's insightful essay Haunted by a Number, although the slut-walking feminits would have this truth brainwashed out of existence too.)

      Men simply do not bond in the same way, nor are they emotionally divested like women are with each sexual encounter. They're also not protected from parental fraud, or material rape in frivorce situations (frivolous divorce), which add a whole other dimension to the concept of "worth". While everyone's worth is diminished to some degree by sexual history, in almost every sense - emotionally, psychologically, financially - the worth of a woman (to a man) is diminished far more. It is foolish to assert otherwise.

      It sounds like both of you are asserting that a woman has the right to choose her own worth in the sexual market place - i.e. do what she pleases sexually and have men treat any resulting emotional decay as if it has no bearing at all on HIS future or that of his children. This is essentially the same as Eve's original sin in the garden of Eden - putting herself above God. A more compelling argument FOR "classic patriarchy" is hard to imagine.

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    13. Emotional decay is a really extreme way to describe a woman's sexual encounter with every man that is not her husband. People respond to sex differently. Some people are able to have more control over their ability to bond to a person. You can have a stronger bond with someone that you never slept with over someone that you had. It is sort of old-fashioned to describe sex in this way. It sort of reminds me of a woman I spoke to that believed in arranged marriages and the whole stain on bed-sheet, wedding night business: "A woman's virginity is like a flower. Once she loses it, she ages."

      Actually, your ability to maintain relationships and become better sexually comes from experience. You can gain insight from other facets, but nothing beats living it. And yes, you probably will have a more intense bond post-sex if it is your first time or first man. That just heightens the importance because it never happened before. It doesn't mean that the relationship is any stronger or the love is any deeper. Perhaps your ability to bond with that man is stronger in your terms...because their was never another choice. What would you know about great sex, if all you had was one option? If I only had one man in my life, would I ever know that my bond could be stronger with another? That what I called love was in face two people brought together for social status to have offspring.

      I don't know if you are being philosophical or coming at it from a religious point-of-view with all this 'sexual marketplace' business. Never once has any man referred to me as a commodity in the sexual marketplace. Or viewed any past boyfriends or sexual encounters I had as part of my emotional decay that he has to deal with. Also, men would discuss kids with me as an extension of our love and commitment. Not talk about offspring as the primary goal and women as a means to get there. That is more of what happens in the Animal Kingdom, lions picking the most fertile mates to propagate their genes to multiple offspring.

      Since when did sex become a sin? I must say that your reasoning is becoming quite religious. Not that this is a problem. But if so, it is really difficult to discuss things on the same wavelength. Though I sort of believe that is foregone either way. I can't speak for all women nor can you speak for all men. Let's agree to disagree. I guess that I haven't run across deciding to wife me based on my psychological profile, biological viability to bear offspring, original sin in reference to past men.

      Nothing but respect for you and Vicomte poster. I didn't think this was going to be a large point of dispute. Just bringing up a point that worked for me. None of these scenarios have ever been points in maintaining or attracting a man. I have found beauty, family/background, education, attitude, personality, and wit to be of concern. Nothing of this nature has ever come up.

      That is all I have to say on this issue.

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    14. he's correct my children will probably be born without skin and become meth addicts because i've had sex with more than one man....

      Hey Jacob, secure men really don't care. That's why a guy like my boyfriend has never asked me about because he's SECURE.

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    15. Oh HAI just googled you Jacob. Guess I was right when I assumed you would also have equally terrible things to say about immigrants. You comment on white power boards. So YOU ARE A RACIST, SEXIST, TOOL BAG.

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    16. Part 1: The right man shouldn't see you as worth less as a human being because of your past sex life. Different in the way you viewed sex at that time? Yes. Worth less ultimately as a person? No. I see where Valentina is coming from. Thinking like that, you would inevitably have to also believe that your worth as a human and as a woman decreases after you lose your virginity, and that all the other aspects of yourself that you work to develop during your entire life to be a good person, wife, mother, becoming Mother Theresa, etcetera don't matter because you have had sex with x amount of men and boys that were not your husband. When you think about it, that seems like a really unhealthy view of yourself to have. And it's a view that wouldn't do any relationship any favors.

      It's a catch 22 anyway. If men are going around saying "Well, I'm not going to wait around for you for more than a month or 2" and yet "good" women are expected to keep their number low by waiting around, then where does that leave her? A man can say he doesn't want to wait too long, as Andrew says, then have sex with her, decide he's suddenly lost interest not long after and leave. A month or 2 is really not very long as far as getting to know someone and really falling for them goes, especially for men. She then she gets to start all over with a new guy, which, if Vicomte is to be believed, automatically makes her worth less because the other relationship didn't work out, and possibly through no fault of her own. Is she expected to take herself off the market because no man will ever see her as worth as much anymore no matter how good she is to herself and her man at the end of the day? As my uncle always says, "A good woman is hard to find." So it would be a shame if men viewed their own 32 year old woman on these standards of who she was over a decade ago. A lot, practically everything, can change from, say, 19 to 32. Most of my friends or associates have had sex with a fair share of guys, and some of them are now getting to a point where they want the kind of stable relationship that I currently have. Everyone (well, almost everyone) grows up at a certain point and starts really thinking about who they are, who they want to be, who they want to be with, and what changes they need to make for that to happen. Asking these questions of yourself in the first place shows growth, which is important for anyone. Is the importance of that growth reduced to nothing because of who she was before it took place? What if a woman had sex with 20+ men from 18-20, and now at 32 has had sex with 3 men since? Should 2 years over a decade prior judge her ability to be a good and loyal mate for the rest of her life on this Earth? And should anyone be willing to pass up a partner who is perfect for them because of who they were before they matured in a culture that promotes that type of behavior in the first place and puts very little emphasis on the family structure?

      Delete
    17. Part 2:

      Anyway, men are not incapable of waiting for sex. They just may not want to given our sexually "liberated" era knowing that they can find someone else that they don't have to be quite so fully committed to for the long haul to get laid. Women stop putting out before marriage, men start proposing. Enough women don't wait, men don't see any reason to wait with one woman either since there are plenty of other women who will do it quicker. Sad that this is the correlation, but true.

      And that whole topic earlier between Val and Vic made me shake my head. Again, I have to agree with her. It seems childish to say to yourself, "Oh, well he got to hit it on the first night and I have to wait," when you know perfectly well that if you had also had sex with her on the first night, you most likely would have written her off immediately as not being relationship material anyway and the 2of you would probably not be together that very day, much like her and that man. If you don't like the way something is going in your life, you change it. If you used to do heroin and you want to have a more structured life, you get off the heroin. If you used to sleep around with a lot of guys (or in Val's case, had a casual hookup with 1 friend a long time ago), and now you want something deeper and more meaningful and would like to be more sure that the guy is actually going to care enough to stick around this time, you wait longer to have sex so that an actual bond develops before the clothes come off. As a guy who supposedly wants to be with the girl, shouldn't this be a compliment that she actually wants to be able to see you in her future and views you as someone worth so much of her time and special enough to develop that bond with at all?

      Most of us know full well that if we sleep with (most) men too soon, the chase is gone for him and he has no real incentive to stick around. He hasn't had the time to really get to know you before getting the sex, so it is easier for him to walk away since he hasn't really invested much time into getting to know who you are as a person to even figure out if he might have some potentially strong feelings there. Walking away is then easier for him to justify. And even if he thought that there might be some potential, the fact that you slept with him so soon is likely to override that anyway. Andrew has touched on that in depth before. So the woman is just safeguarding herself from having a man she could actually see herself building a life with in the future see her as just another quick conquest. Hopefully, that sheds some light onto why a woman might have had sex quickly with a man who, on a deeply emotional level for her, meant nothing, while waiting until a solid bond has formed to sleep with a man who could mean everything.

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    18. @ Valentina

      "Emotional decay is a really extreme way to describe a woman's sexual encounter with every man that is not her husband."

      And yet that’s what happens. If you don't like the word "decay", think of what happens to a sucked lifesaver. Whatever meme works for you, the basic truth remains - every sexual encounter makes a woman less valuable to a future husband. Asserting otherwise doesn’t make it any less true.

      "It is sort of old-fashioned to describe sex in this way."

      More shaming language. "Old-fashioned" doesn’t mean it isn't true. You seem to be implying that if sexual relationships aren't described in ‘progressive’ language the point is invalid, which is absurd.

      "your ability to maintain relationships and become better sexually comes from experience."

      This is a tautology. How can sexual experience make one better at maintaining a relationship, when having sex with others - certainly by most women's standards - is evidence of relationship failure?

      "What would you know about great sex, if all you had was one option?"

      Expertise is not dependent on variety. Even if it was, sex is just one of many aspects of a healthy relationship. "Great” sex is a matter of priorities, perception and opinion.

      "If I only had one man in my life, would I ever know that my bond could be stronger with another?"

      Probably not, but that's not the point. No two people are going to bond in precisely the same way, so it’s unreasonable to define relationship success in the context of another one. It's more plausible to define success in terms of the two individuals' capacity to overcome internal bias sufficiently to permit an emotional bond. Expertise in this regard requires sociability, not sex.

      "I don't know if you are being philosophical or coming at it from a religious point-of-view with all this 'sexual marketplace' business. Never once has any man referred to me as a commodity in the sexual marketplace."

      Perhaps you should read more widely. The sexual market-place, or SMP for short, is common blogosphere terminology for the relationship game. Feel free to Google it.

      "Since when did sex become a sin? I must say that your reasoning is becoming quite religious."

      Who said that sex was a sin? Certainly not me. And on what basis are you claiming my reasoning is becoming religious - because I used Eve and the Garden of Eden as a metaphor? If I mention wine to make a point, does it mean I'm becoming a drunkard?

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    19. @ Valentina (continuing from previous comment...)

      "But if so, it is really difficult to discuss things on the same wavelength."

      This, ironically, gets to the heart of the matter. It is difficult to discuss things with those on different wavelengths, as you say, but if you can't do this how can you succeed at relationships? Successful relationships DEPEND on our capacity to reach accord with someone who might initially be on different wavelengths.

      "Though I sort of believe that is foregone either way."

      This may reveal why you seem to be rationalising your own promiscuity. There's no basis from which you can assert that anything is foregone from reading two or three comments, so I have to conclude that you like to shut down communication at the first hint of resistance to your beliefs.

      "Let's agree to disagree."

      I'd rather agree to agree. Isn't that the primary characteristic of a successful relationship - seeking to agree? I appreciate that in your particular relationship model that may not be the case.

      "I guess that I haven't run across deciding to wife me based on my psychological profile, biological viability to bear offspring, original sin in reference to past men."

      On what basis do men "decide to wife" you (presuming they're able to understand metaphor)?

      "Nothing but respect for you and Vicomte poster."

      The only thing my comments here seem to have in common with Vicomte's is that they've challenged your assertions. Is that also characteristic of your relationship model where men are concerned?

      Delete
    20. @ Julia

      "...secure men really don't care. That's why a guy like my boyfriend has never asked me about because he's SECURE?"

      Secure about what? His own lack of self-worth?

      "I just googled you Jacob."

      So you can Google. I hope you have something more to offer the world than this extraordinary skill.

      "Guess I was right when I assumed you would also have equally terrible things to say about immigrants."

      Idiot. I am an immigrant.

      "You comment on white power boards. So YOU ARE A RACIST, SEXIST, TOOL BAG."

      Using this logic, anyone who comments on feminist boards is a man-hater. And, of course, anyone who disagrees with Julia about anything is a racist, sexist, tool bag. Nothing new here - I googled you too.

      Actually, Julia, the only appropriate response to your silly little retorts is to use a dustpan and broom and a little deodoriser. I liken them to my pet poodle's poo pellets on the laundry floor. It's kinda funny but a little stinky. That'll be my nickname for you - Stinky.

      Delete
    21. In saying let's agree to disagree, I meant that two people can have different opinions in a situation that is not concrete. There is no way for us to agree to agree, because we have entirely different views on love and sex. I am not about to change my opinions just because a guy on some forum believes that a woman after sex is equivalent to a sucked lifesaver. You can phrase the argument with as many examples as you like. However, in my experience and from my morale, none of your points are valid or logical. I can see how you can think this way because I have met people with similar opinions. And I respect those opinions as someone with different values and with a definition of love separate from my own. I can also see how you have angered some woman in your descriptions of their degraded value after a love that didn't work out. It really doesn't bother me as I can just state that I disagree with you.

      In fact, I can't even agree with you on the primary interest of a successful relationship. It is not to agree. It is to compromise and love each other through thick and thin. No two people agree on everything 100% of the time nor does that make a power couple. I don't know what kind of successful relationships you had with clear agreement on all issues. And I will not make assumptions, as you had on my promiscuity, based on someone I do not know. They would be offensive and potentially grossly inaccurate.

      The point about the SMP, you probably accurate on. I do not read more widely because I have other interests outside of reading blogs on male-female relationships. This was my first blog that I came across for a couple posts, as it is my guilty pleasure (i.e. like Cosmopolitan) and not the Holy Grail to love. My purpose in writing the first post was to say what worked for me, accepting what opinions came by. I am not opposed to anyone challenging my opinions. I just don't see why a challenge is necessary to come to an agreement, especially since I don't see what relationship there is between us.

      Again, I don't see how you make these grand generalizations as to my relationships with men. Your response to my refusal to agree with you automatically reverses to psychoanalyzing me.

      The point is that I don't have to prove anything to you. I don't have make presumptions on your character or anything of the sort. If I don't agree with you, it is just that. If you feel like you have to dissect the issue further, you may do as you please. For me, I have said more than enough to avoid being rude and to explain myself.

      Delete
  18. I have heard say (in the manosphere) that a woman's vag is only worth as much as what she sold it for the first time (lol) which I think means that if you made one guy wait 5 minutes that about as long as you should expect any guy to wait.

    Not saying I am of that opinion, but I think that's where he's coming from.
    Do with your vagina as you please.

    But look at it this way... if you plan on loving the man you are with and respecting him, don't treat some other guy better than him .don't give what he deserves (for putting in emotional commitment) to other guys that aren't as good as he is and haven't invested in you. Just my opinion. That's how I conduct business over here *shrugs*

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    1. I am beyond high school and college to care about the thoughts of the 'manosphere'. I have never dated a guy that checks back with the manosphere on how he should proceed with falling in love with me. And I can't say much about the boys that talk about women in terms of 'selling' or refer to a woman's worth through the 'price of her vagina'. What are we selling a gallon of milk here? Every man and women is evaluated by the individual based on a number of factors. I guarantee that if 'woman's vag worth' is high up on the list (or on it at all), it doesn't speak of maturity in the man himself.

      Also, it sort of goes with the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Men in my life don't get together with their homeboys to talk about me in terms of how much I sold my vag for. I discuss my dates with names and personalities and how I feel about the person.

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    2. Yeah I agree. If a man is fully invested with me, I'll only invest too if I know I'll give it my all and really respect him as a man.

      Delete
    3. I am not treating some other guy better. What he deserves is love, commitment, partnership...not sex. Sex has nothing to do with respect. I don't pay someone that I respect in sexual favors. He is not putting in emotional commitment because he has to in order to get sex. He is doing so because he wants to, as in he actually feels something more for me.

      I don't conduct business. I build love, a future. My vagina and his penis have nothing to do with it. You love with your mind and heart. Sex is just a means to express it physically, along with kissing and affection.

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    4. @valentina
      I meant to put that as a response to your interaction with vicomte (oops too much redbull late at night )
      I see where you're coming from. I definitely don't think of things in that way, but it's an opinion like many others. What do you think of the last part I wrote (which is actually my opinion)? I keep thinking that when I really fall in love and have a husband I want him to have the best of me in every way possible. I guess I have mixed feelings about including my sexuality as part of the list of "best things about aGirl," but that's how I feel.

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    5. @Valentina - It's amazing how many people I've come across who wouldn't agree with what you are saying here. I agree with you especially on "sex has nothing to do with respect". I am still analysing far too much what my last boyfriend said to me - "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you". And well I still don't get it! I like your way of thinking.

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    6. V,

      ah , okay. I wrote that just a second ago. I respect your opinion,we see things differently. Most men these days agree with you.

      Delete
    7. @ aGirl, I was in agreement with your school of thought for a long time. Life experiences and age has change me. Not to say that everyone changes their opinion or one is more correct. I actually held onto it for dear life for a long time. And now, in my case, I think it was more of me not being ready for love and using sex as a means to control it. Sex definitely intensifies things. Avoiding it can ensure that your are not put in the position of being vulnerable.

      I have witnessed the death for the first time recently. And my past relationship and thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. Love just happens, you can't plan for it. And when it does, nothing in your past will matter. Nor should it. People are together through thick and thin. If you are judged or dumped by a man over something so little, he never loved you to begin with. A man will always feel like he has the best of you, if he gets to be with you forever. Obviously, he will find it sweet that you gave him your virginity. But beyond that, it will mean more to you that you gave it to him (i.e. presumably he won't be a virgin).

      Beyond that, whether you feel that you gave him the best of you because you waited is up to you. If you feel that is something that will make your wedding more special, then hold onto it. If not, then do as you please.

      In death, I have realized that life is too short. Living it for the future will leave you depressed if it doesn't work out as planned. Every day is a blessing. When your husband finds you, he won't be making lists. And your sexuality will really be the least of your concerns in building a future together. Leave the manosphere to the boys that need someone to tell them their woman's worth.

      This is not to undermine anyone's religious values. I wasn't coming at this from a religious perspective. This is why I re-evaluated my reasons. Whatever you do, make sure that you know what you are doing it for. Then, you will be satisfied with your choice either way.

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    8. "Living it for the future will leave you depressed if it doesn't work out as planned."

      THIS!
      You have truly given me something to ponder. I am not a virgin, I was only saying that going forward, this is how I plan on deciding. I'm just a perfectionist and a control freak :(
      and hate confusion. I have had too many disappointments, sadly. And now I am just hoping things will turn out alright if I do things a certain way.
      But you are right, sometimes you can do everything the right way and you will still have disappointments. In truth, I am no longer interested in dating. Burned quite recently. I did everything the way I was supposed to.

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    9. Well, don't burn the bridge quite yet. Horrible and unfathomable things happen to people that live their whole lives as they are supposed to. The important thing to remember is that it is not the end. The journey is fascinating the whole way through. You still have your whole life ahead of you to make things work. Just because someone doesn't appreciate you once, it doesn't mean that you should stop moving forward. Learn from the burn. Even if he was 100% wrong, perhaps you missed some red flags in choosing him. Giving up is never the solution to make life easier. It will only make you feel better for the moment.

      Take time to rebuild yourself. But don't base your life around what this one person thought of you. You give him too much credit. And of course, a life well lived and love gained is the best revenge for those burns of the past :)

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    10. aGirl I would say that if you are upset about your past you should try to avoid me who hang out in the manosphere and if a guy judges you on how quickly you lost your virginity, don't sleep with him!

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    11. @ Valentina

      I can understands where he is coming from...imagine that you were strung along for years with a guy that you really like.

      You started hooking up, because he just broke up with his girlfriend. It turns out that they never broke but he promises that they will break it off soon. You were silly enough to stick with him.

      Eventually, after they did break up, he is not ready for a relationship because he just got out of one. Then you walk way because you got tired of it, and a week later, it turns out that he just got married to some chick he met at a bar.

      You feel like a cheap slut. or imagine going out with a guy who refused to pay for any dates, you guys simply goes dutch. You later found out that he used to wine and dine women all the time, and yet he refused to shell put a penny for gas. Always demanding you go dutch. After you break it off with you, he wines and dines the next woman.

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    12. I refused to said that I agree with him, but I can see that he has a point.

      At the same time, @ Vicomte,

      No woman is perfect. Unless you go sniffing around high schools or college freshmen, or some Church, you will never find a virgin or an inexperience girl.

      Woman is just as sexual as men, and feminism has nothing to do with it. Feminism fought for the right to contraceptives, for both married couples and unmarried couples.

      Sometime a woman meets a man at a different time in their life. What she thinks and act two years ago makes her the person she is today. Maybe she was a naive and inexperience girl who believes in love and came to discover that men will used a girl for sex and feels nothing for her. So she wise up. More importantly, she haven't met you and so she did what she had at hand.

      The older a man gets, the less quality girl he will get unless if he is rich or goes sniffing around high schools or colleges.

      Do you humble yourself to acknowledge that you too benefit from feminism. I have no idea if you are a virgin, but if you had sex in the past without going to prison nor impregnating her, you benefited from feminism.

      The question left is, do you humble yourself a beneficiary of feminism. do you also humble yourself enough to think it is creepy for an adult man in his 30s - 40s to go sniffing around your high school daughter because he wants a virgin.

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    13. But there ARE virgins who are LEGAL. I don't really think it's that weird for a man to be 10-14 years older than his wife, but when the wife is only 18 or 19 and he's in his early 30's, that can be too much of an age gap due to them being at such different places in their lives. When I was 21, I had this 34 year old man approach me for marriage and I could not for the life of me understand what this 34 year old- which can seem really old to a 21 year old-possibly thought that he had in common with me; an only newly legal young woman, a mere 2 years out of my teens. Now at nearly 30, I would still see an early 40's man as having a significant age difference from me, but I wouldn't completely rule him out either because I am now a fully mature adult, as opposed to a girl of 18 or 19.

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    14. Julia,

      I am not really ashamed of my past. I haven't gone to any extremes. I felt that the men I had sex with were good and ultimately wanted to keep me. That makes me feel good about it. I really don't wish to be a virgin.

      I am only upset that I made a mistake recently and didn't filter properly. Although to be fair even he wanted a relationship and he def. cared about me. He's just poor husband/father material.Had to next him. I regret sleeping with him.

      What's interesting is that though we can get commitment from someone, we don't always want to accept it. or rather, we shouldn't. I take no pity on women that chose the wrong man for a husband and then find themselves screwed later. Poor judgement. That's why i am hard on myself about this one relationship.

      -aGirl

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  19. "And I would say that it is extremely rare to find a man that wants to marry a virgin, without exceptions"

    In my country men value virginity as number one for marriage. They choose to marry a virgin than not virgin. Women who are not virgin can be big problem for mariage for the men, even the men won't marry the women if not virgin. Cause they are proud to take the virginity first and marry the women, value it so high. It is big matter, about religion and culture.

    In my country it is not surprise to find old virgin women who still keep it for marriage. The men appreciate it much.

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    1. But you see that works for both of us. I am not trying to marry the men from your country. And chances are that you aren't trying to marry the men from mine. I respect the values of your country. And I do believe that people can find love with different values.

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    2. Yeah, but the thing also is men in my country want virgin women but they themselves can be not virgin. They can sleep with other women before marriage but prefer or choose as a must for virgin women for marriage. It is not fair for women. Well, women cannot check men if they are virgin or not. But the men need to see women's blood in the first making love after marriage. So they believe their wifes are virgin.

      I think women in my country who are in relationship or marry men from countries where virginity isn't a matter for marriage have the sex fairness.

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    3. I understand where you are coming from. I don't have experience with those types of men, so I can't say what I would or would not do in that situation. Women in those cultures usually get married early in arranged marriages, so it is a different situation. I have been raised from a culture with fairly equal male-female partnership. It is a different view on love and sex. Sex beyond being used to make babies or to fulfill your obligations as a wife. Neither is wrong or right. Most men in my country view sex as equal pleasure for both, so I don't know what to tell you.

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    4. It is a problem when women in my country meet men from other countries where virginity isn't a matter for marriage. So the women have to sacrifice to give sex before marriage although in the end it isn't lead to marriage. But there are also mix marriage like this come from sex before marriage.

      Or they are in a relationship first and get married not too long after in a relationship so the men can get sex quickly.

      But nowadays people in my country especially big cities has changed their point of view. They can have sex before marriage then get married. For people with religion and conventional culture, still sex before marriage.

      Delete
  20. Andrew, can you also write a post about marriage? You wrote about how we should be dating with marriage in mind. If a guy does not propose after 2 years, even though the relationship is great, do you leave him? What makes a guy want to propose and what can a girl do?

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    1. +1

      next level please!

      Delete
    2. Ohh good topic! So many of my friends are wondering if they should leave their boyfriends after 2-3 years and no ring. Do guys who eventually propose feel like they are settling?

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    3. Not being married myself, this is a bit out of my realm. That being said, I do have some strong opinions that I might share at some point. We'll see. I will definitely remember your request when I next consider it.

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    4. A guy proposes when he can't imagine life without you any longer and he wants to lock that in.

      Or he's knocked you up.

      If "the relationship is great," then things are either progressing towards marriage (if that is your goal) or you know exactly where the two of you stand w.r.t. marriage and are OK with that for the moment. How much time are you willing to waste on a guy who doesn't marry you? That is entirely up to you.

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  21. Can men tell if a woman is a virgin? Meaning, if a virgin sleeps with her boyfriend for the first time, will the guy be able to tell that he just popped her cherry?

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    1. Your "cherry can be popped" by sports or other things besides sex. Also, there isn't necessarily blood when it is popped. So the short answer is no, he cannot say for sure. (I am not an expert on this, but neither or 99% of men out there, so even if I am wrong, they at least don't know they are right!)

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    2. Yes a man can tell if a girl is a virgin. Virgin, from personal experience and conversation with men has a exceptionally tight vagina.

      Whether or not she bleeds is insignificant, but it will be difficult to get it in and it feels extremely tight. For a man with a small penis or sexually experience, that tightness makes him feels really good.

      A woman that had sex is less likely to feel as tight as a virgin. Hence, that girl is "loose."

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    3. @Anonymous

      That is false. The "tightness" of your vagina is determined by the shaped of your vagina, which is in turn determined by your genetics. Similarly to your stomach, your vagina stretches a little bit when something is in it (such as a penis), but then quickly returns to it's orignal form. It does not stay "stretched." It can also feel tighter if you do kegel exercises, just as your stomach might feel/look tighter if you do ab exercises. The only thing that actually does make you "looser" is vaginal childbirth.

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    4. CR is correct. Anonymous has probably never slept with a virgin.

      A vagina which has never been penetrated is not tighter than any other vagina, the only difference is that there is a hyman. Breaking the hyman does not feel "tight" around the penis or give any exceptional experience.
      It is common sense as taking someone's virginity is breaking her hyman, not 'loosening up' her vagina.

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  22. I am a 22 year old female virgin, dated a little but nothing really. That is my only reason for not having sex (I know I'm not the personality type to have a one-night stand, otherwise clearly I could've had sex by now). I'm not waiting until I'm married, I couldn't care less about waiting for marriage, but I do want to wait until I am comfortable with a guy...how do you let a guy know this without saying "I don't have sex until ______"?

    I remember your post about not telling a guy when your sex timeline is, so do you just move more slowly and "up" your sex game rather than tell him your plan? Is that the way to go? Start with kissing, then "first base" and so forth until you wind up having sex?

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    1. That's actually a decent strategy in general, Chris, whether you're a virgin or just want to know a guy won't just screw you and leave. A guy who thinks you're never going to put out will leave. A guy to whom you've made it clear that you will have sex with him *at some point* will stick around, even if you can't tell him exactly when that will happen. As long as he feels things are progressing in that direction, and that it will happen in a reasonable amount of time (say 6 months) a good guy will stick around. And if he doesn't, you now know he wasn't a good guy.

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    2. An Evan Marc Katz suggestion for sex in general is to let a man know you are turned on but need to wait until you are exclusive. So figure out what you need, if you want to lose it to a boyfriend that is completely acceptable, people still date in 2013. If you just want it to be with someone you know will run as soon as the deed is done, let him know that's what you need.

      Buts its extremely important to let a man know he is sexy, that he pleases you and you want him bad but need the right circumstance.

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  23. I think virginity can be used as a "filtering mechanism" to filter out guys who are not patient enough which means they do not love the woman in question deep enough.

    I don't even think delaying sex is about religious views or values or philosophies at all. I think it's just about whether the man in question is interested enough, seeing the woman in question as a potential wife or not.

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  24. I also do NOT agree about the idea that men are categorized into "confident alpha males" and "caring and friendly beta males".

    Actually in reality, it's the unsuccessful men, men with career difficulties or even facing unemployment, and suffering from social exclusions who are most harsh treating women. Because they have no other ways to control women. All they can resort to are ways to neg women or even abuse them.

    Most of the time those real alpha males are nicer at home. There are so many stories like CEO's of large companies quit their jobs sacrificing their careers to go home taking care of their disabled wives after car accident on a full time basis.

    I often heard domestic violence committed by very sucked up and unsuccessful and unattractive men. And statistic shows that there are way more single mothers among the working class than among the upper class. I can list so many examples where successful men with social status have a very conventional long term monogamous marriage without scandals on them cheating or abusing. Not that having high social status guarantees a man to be nice to his wife or girlfriend. But statistic supports that the ratio is higher.

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  25. Girls, don't delude yourselves. Your virginity and overall partner count is important.

    http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2010/08/18/virginity-is-more-important-to-men-than-women-would-admit/

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    1. Virginity is a requirement for SOME guys, for example religious ones. But the ones who, like heartiste, refers to all non-virgins as "sluts" are in minority (in the modern part of the world, that is). That would imply that over 90% of women over 20 are sluts. That is deluded.
      Overall partner count is important. But you lose your virginity once and I don't know a single guy who look for a virgin.

      Delete
    2. Not saying that racking up the number of partners is acceptable. But really as long as you are reasonable, it isn't a factor for the typical sexual male without insecurities. As for virginity, unless the guy is a virgin, no one asks about that beyond just for curiosity. This is not a woman speaking from what she thinks but rather from the words of men that she was serious with (i.e. who didn't work out for other reasons).

      Saying any differently would most likely mean several things 1) this is coming from a religious context 2) this is a male that is himself a virgin 3) this is a male with very patriarchal views of partnership. The last would probably transcend to the type of man that expects a woman to be quiet and fragile, stay at home with the kids all day waiting for him. Not that anything is wrong with any of these. But all of these are from a very specific category of men that is not common to the USA in the modern day.

      I don't think woman should be naive in either extreme. I think you will be hard pressed to find a woman on here that ever got dumped by a man based on her virginity or partner count (i.e. not talking about having 100s of men prior, reasonable count).

      Woman on here are most likely single for other reasons: not taking care of themselves, spending little time dating, work-life balance, poor partner selection, attitude toward men, ability to be a good partner. If men don't date you, it is appearance or not putting yourself out there. If men don't want to marry you, then it is probably due to personality. Virginity and partner count isn't even on the list. It is a delusion along with 'women don't date nice guys'. Never heard a man say that he can't marry a girl because of her partner count being above x. Or a women saying she dumped a guy because he was too nice. If things were so calculated, then more woman would get married in arranged marriages based on virginity and social status.

      Delete
  26. I want a man who can show his dominance or leadership at his careers so much that he does not need to show it in his relationship with his love any more.

    I think men who can't get the feelings of leadership among his male peers in his work place might have the most urgent need to express them on his family members only.

    If we compare from country to country, class to class etc. etc. we can get a taste which groups of men have the harshest attitudes subjugating women. More often than not it's the group of men who are not really winners when they face other males in or out of groups.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never ever thought of this, but this makes so much sense now that you pointed it out.

      Delete
    2. "I think men who can't get the feelings of leadership among his male peers in his work place might have the most urgent need to express them on his family members only. "
      -Control freaks need to control because their own life is so out of control.

      Delete
    3. I agree with you, Grace. I never thought about it that way before but your comment was really helpful for me in evaluating men I've previously dated. I think in general you have to keep an eye of what the other person has going on in their life. At the moment I'm not prepared to date anyone because I don't have all of my shit together with friendships, work etc. I try and find out quickly if the guy I'm seeing is dissatisfied in any area so his life, and check out what type of friendships he has and how solid they are. The healthier I get, the more turned off I am by the possibility of being a 'fixer'.

      Delete
    4. I think if a man is of same age to me or even younger like still undergrad or recent graduates, then being poor is fine or even desperately poor is fine as long as he is a man with good attitudes and all the good personality traits put together.

      But when a man grows to middle ages, I might need to think carefully if his careers is still messed up. If he just has a bad day with his careers, I won't mind. But if it's due to fundamental problems in his characters such as he might be disorganized, lazy, stupid, short sighted etc. then it probably wouldn't be fine with me any more.

      The ratio of men being harsh on women when they are unemployed, miserable etc. is higher than if men are in healthy status. But not all men are like that. If he is my
      friend I might like to help him out if I can. Of course, if men in such status demand space and do not want to go out meeting people including me until they feel they are fixed, I am willing to respect their wills and give them lonely spaces for some while too. It may be good for their dignities too.

      Delete
    5. I also think that before commitment I might be quite picky on if a man is wonderful enough. But after commitment, even if he becomes disabled, I would still stay with him. Though I believe that during courtship when we don't know each other yet, I won't get attracted to disabled men. But after commitment, things just get different. Because during courtship, love in a lot of ways means attractions to wonderful traits of each other. But after that, love means also being able to go through thick and thin together.

      Delete
  27. Men want other people's wives to be sluts so that they can
    fuck them while they still want their own wives to be conventional so that nobody else fucks them....

    Men want women to pay less attention on virginity when they try to minimize their time an energy spent on chasing them. But men also want their own wives, the women who they already have gotten to be sexual prude so that the men don't share their own with anybody else.

    That is why the paradoxes of men talking about valuing non-sluts while shaming virgins co-exist at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  28. It seems to me all like "haggling prices" -- if women put out too soon then the value of the commodity is too low. If the women hold too long, then the deal may be broken.

    It's like when sending out your resume to find a job from a company, if you list your expected salary as too low, then you may sell yourself too short. If you list your expected salary too high, then you may not even get to have the interview....

    ReplyDelete
  29. I think I do not mind if a man has sexual stories in the past. I only demand he does NOT have marriage experiences in the past. As long as my future family with him is his only family rather than one of his several families with different women and kids then it's fine. It's about demanding commitment though.

    I also embrace the idea that, for the future family I would have, the man can have me completely. So if I save up virginity for doing him this good, I hope he isn't turned off by this thought.

    ReplyDelete
  30. can you make a more focused post about players? Like why they do what they do and if they ever change?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why they do what they do is simple: they want sex. Whether or not they change is not something that applies categorically to all players. Some will, others won't, and for a variety of reasons. They CAN change, yes.

      Keep in mind that "player" is a hard term to define. But I think that even in extreme cases, change is possible. The more of a player a guy is, the less likely he is to change.

      Delete
    2. Speaking of filtering out players, Andrew, what are your thoughts on this Hooking Up Smart post?

      http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2013/03/21/relationshipstrategies/winning-with-a-hard-to-get-strategy/

      Actually, if you have a post planned anytime in the near future about what "hard to get" means, whether it should be used, and how to handle casual dating with relationships in mind.

      Delete
  31. A woman that sleeps around is a slut. A man that sleeps around is cool. A woman that holds our for sex is loyal. A man that holds out for sex is a weirdo. And that is not hypocritical at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will, the popular masculine opinion is that a man is sexual by nature, whereas as woman shouldn't be.

      A man that only have sex with a woman that he loves or his girlfriend while rejecting girls that offer themselves sexually to him is consider unnatural. However, a man the sleeps around is more likely to cheat on his wife and bring home a STD or a baby mama

      A woman that sleeps around is unnatural, since people have been raised to think a woman has more to loose. There would also be the chance that she is less likely to cheat.

      I really don't think that a cad is desirable. A man that sleeps around has a higher chance of getting a STD or impregnating another girl. One is dangerous, but the latter would take financial resources from the wife and children.

      I am always amazed with men that sleeps around a lot, only because they do have something to loose: If a girl gets pregnant, she has the option of either terminating the pregnancy despite his wishes, or continuing her pregnancy against his wishes.

      If she choose to continue the pregnancy, she can sued the guy for child support.

      Delete
  32. I know I might get some flak for asking this, but what I don't understand is why people think they have to sleep with every person who they enter a serious relationship with? For example, suppose a man or woman get their first serious bf or gf in high school,they sleep together,date for a year or 2, doesn't work out, and then lather rinse repeat with the next several people they are in "serious relationships" with until they finally find the person their going to marry in their late 20's or early 30's. By that time, it's quite possible that they'll have had a partner count of about 10 or even more. I know some people might be thinking, "well, so what" and the amount of partners people have is "their business." I guess that could be argued as true to an extent, but when you think about how sex can powerfully change the dynamic of a relationship for better or for worse, (and often, it's the latter because so many people choose the wrong person or rush into it) it's a wonder that so many people think that having multiple partners is "liberating" when it has the potential to complicate matters like nothing else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I know some people think they need to have sex prior to marriage to see if their compatible in that regard, but can't they just communicate their preferences and figure it out when their married?

      Delete
    2. - Because most people aren't asexual and don't want to practice abstinence in the 10 years it might take to find a life partner. I don't consider that a life.
      - Because communicating what you like in bed is not the same as actually having sex. You cannot "discuss" your sexual chemistry.
      - Because it takes a long time to figure out whether a person will be a life partner and very few people (especially men) will spend over a year not being intimate with someone and then attach to them for life.

      Nobody said having multiple partners is "liberating". It's just a natural consequence of actively dating. There is no reason you should end up with 10+ partners though, you can get below that.
      I'm not advocating sleeping around. I'm just advocating giving it a chance with someone you care about. Love is about taking a leap of faith anyway. I don't have a problem with women waiting until marriage. I just think they're homing in on such a small group of men, they might not get the best man they can possibly get. They're also facing a bit of an uphill battle, unless they're religious and/or from Kansas.

      Delete
    3. Because sex is a pleasurable experience shared between two people who might be attracted to each other, really like each other or love each other. And we aren't religiously repressed.

      I assume you are very young though and as you mature you will realize how naive you once were.

      Sincerely,

      Someone who has had multiple partners

      Delete
    4. @julia

      "I assume you are very young though and as you mature you will realize how naive you once were."

      No, I'm not very young or naive. Neither am I religiously repressed or from Kansas. I grew up in the west but I was born into a culture where sex before marriage is not accepted. However, I am convinced that even if I were not, I would still have the beliefs that I do. I just don't not quite understand why so many people seem to think that having multiple partners is the way to figure out "what they like," when it seems to complicate things in so many different ways. I get that for many it's a "pleasurable experience"-in the moment, but to me the price of that momentary "pleasurable experience" just does seems too high when I think and have repeatedly observed all the shit that can result from having multiple partners.

      Delete
    5. @sophie

      Many of the things you mentioned are good points. It's understandable that one might have to date multiple people to find the right person, but what I still don't understand is why they have to sex with every one of them even when they know marriage will not result. I think most people know deep down, early on whether or not a person would be the right one for them, but too often they're swayed by chemistry, and just give into it. And then they try to argue that they shouldn't have to have self-control because that's "repression." Why is self-respect and control so often regarded as "repression"when it's not?

      Delete
    6. But they often don't _know_ that marriage won't result. Part of the purpose of dating is to determine whether or not the person you're dating is marriage material.

      Delete
    7. @Joe

      I agree that part of dating is to determine if the person you're dating is marriage material, but what I don't understand is why that has to include sex before the two people have determined if they're even compatibility on other more important levels. For example, if two people are dating and realize early on (as is usually the case) that they butt heads on some fundamental non-negotiables, then what's the point of them sleeping together if they've already determined they're not compatible? Sexual compatibility/chemistry alone is not enough to sustain a lasting relationship or marriage.

      Delete
    8. "Sexual compatibility/chemistry alone is not enough to sustain a lasting relationship or marriage."
      Nobody's said so. If you "butt heads" or don't get along, break up. People don't use sex to fix something that is broken. They have sex when they are in love and believe it will some day end in marriage (a couple of years down the line).

      Delete
    9. Umm, because to most people sex is one of the pretty important factors in choosing a mate. If the sex is bad, most people would not want to tie themselves eternally to that person. If you are raised in a culture that values sex as an extension of marriage, you just would not get it.

      If there is no religious reason not to have sex, then why would you repress the natural inclination of your hormones. This is especially true since sex is a healthy part of human development. It's like telling yourself that you are going to avoid practicing your trade and pick your job based on reading about it...maybe things will work out. They will and I am sure that you will eventually figure it out. Less likelihood that you will be really good at sex, but then you would never know any better. Either way, it doesn't seem that important since marriage is your primary goal in life. Many people don't think this way.

      Sex is healthy, necessary, and natural part of life. There is no reason why you cannot experience pleasure as often as possible with those you are serious about. Marriages don't always work out either. If you are thinking that yours will work out 100%, then maybe you are one willing to stick around for bad sex/people growing apart.

      Delete
    10. I have to say to the original poster of this particular thread, I am 100% with you. I am not advocating waiting until marriage nor am I promoting any kind of behavior...however I completely agree. What is the need to have sex with someone you absolutely know you have no future with? I understand it in the case of relationships that are headed somewhere but as for those couples who know they don't want to stick around but still have sex, I feel like its just a bullshit way of relieving urges until Mr./Ms. Right come along. Some "relationships" are honestly nothing but two sex buddies with a little kiss and chocolates here and there.

      I am not trying to insult anyone's relationships nor am I saying that its wrong to have sex within them (thats ridiculous!) I am targeting, specifically what I think Anon was trying to target-those who know they are not with the right person but still have sex with them anyway. It's just a way to fulfill their sexual appetites until the real thing comes along.

      I also want to say: the comment about complications is very true. Sorry, everyone can get defensive on me but I don't think having sex in every single relationship will help you "figure out" what you want. The divorce rate is proof that our current sexual culture is not really "helping" our marriages. I think it will complicate things, sex changes things. No matter how casual people make it, its very powerful and though this is not true of everyone, but your sexual experiences follow you with your future. Therefore with each new partner, you create difficulties with the next one.

      Boyfriend #1 was romantic but Boyfriend #2 turned me on more yet Boyfriend #3 really knew how to please me yet Boyfriend #4 is adventurous = Husband is not as great as Bf #1 but better than #2 but now I miss #3. Do you get what I mean? This IS NOT to bash anyone who had multiple partners whatsoever. This is just to debunk that myth that its good to have sex in every relationship even though you know in the back of your mind its not the right person. It's a whole different ballpark when you're just seeing how things go. And this is also to prove that like every situation with relationships-be it virginity or having 50+ partners, you are taking risks not gaining benefits (as these repliers are trying to demonstrate). My two cents.

      Delete
    11. Again I want to clarify before I get a stampede of angry commentators thinking I am insulting their relationships (and I am no love goddess either, I make mistakes). I am specifically talking about relationships that both or one partner knows they plan to not stay with their partner. I have friends who are with boyfriends they know they don't want to marry or have a future with but are sticking around for the fun, lack of loneliness and the fulfillment of sexual desires. However, I think its unfair to the boyfriends and vice versa to my male friends who are keeping their girlfriends for sex. I just don't see it as any different then an Hookup buddy. If you are dating to see how things go and sex happens to mix in (though I don't recommend it and think it can complicate the 'getting to know each other' part) then thats understandable.

      I also COMPLETELY AGREE on understanding each other before having sex. Sex too soon can rationalize away red flags as well as sugar coat or dress up a bad relationship. Because the sex is so good, people may feel like they are with the right person but once that initial passion dies down they realize the relationship was actually not that great. I've heard of countless women (because I am female, I speak to more women-I can't say much for men) who stick around because the sex is amazing. Its better (if you want a serious relationship) to have your emotional and mental needs figured out before getting physical.

      Delete
  33. I'm just curious how most people today would define virginity. I think the definition of virginity seems to be becoming more and more ambiguous. For example, why do so many claim they're virgins even if they've had anal or oral? Which by the way are still acts of penetration involving use of the sex organs, so how can someone who's engaged in them still claim virginity?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think when you are talking hetero sex is means traditional intercourse. Who the hell has anal and not vaginal intercourse though? That's silly and its more dangerous than vaginal intercourse. I hope young people know they need to use condoms especially with anal intercourse.

      Delete
    2. I consider myself a virgin, even though I've had oral sex. Oral sex just doesn't seem like sex... more like an extension of kissing.

      Delete
    3. "Oral sex just doesn't seem like sex... more like an extension of kissing."

      I would say french kissing is more like an extension of kissing, but I would never say the same about oral fellatio or cunnilingus.Oral sex is definitely a sexual act, hence the term, oral SEX.

      Delete
  34. Sex is sex if you would get nervous telling God about it on judgement day. If you know deep down that God would give you the thumbs down, then it is sex. Simply really.

    ReplyDelete
  35. i lost my virginity at age THIRTY with my friend with benefits, and no, i did not become clingy or weird. we continued having sex for 6 months until I cut him off because I wanted a boyfriend.

    i told him right before. it made him very nervous but he went ahead with it. at that point he had already told me he wasn't looking for a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  36. This was a great post, and I can really relate to it. I lost my virginity shortly after turning 22, and it was with someone I wasn't dating. In fact, I barely knew them at all and had only hooked up once beforehand. During our initial hookup I had no intention of having sex, but the topic came up and I had to admit that I was a virgin when I was hesitant about going any further. I didn't hear from him again after that. He didn't want to take my virginity, even though I said sex was something I'd be open to in the future. I suspect it was for all the reasons you listed. However, we did run into each other at a party about a month later, and ended up having sex. So that was pretty random for that to happen, and I didn't act clingy at all afterwards. Since then I don't really bother him at all, because I'm scared of coming off as a psycho clinger because he took my virginity. We've only hooked up a few times since then, and it's always been random and not because I initiated contacting him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-hUbI8my0Q

      Laci Green she makes a lot of sense on this issue

      Delete
  37. Andrew, thank you so much for this blog. It's a breath of fresh air in a miasma of misogynistic 'game' blogs and misguided female-penned advice columns. There's so much conflicting information and outright misinformation being fed to women from such a young age. I've found that my feminist sisters are often more comfortable deluding themselves about the realities of what men want and what they themselves as romantic prospects have to offer of value. Most of what we're taught in our modern culture to believe as girls is deeply detrimental to our happiness and success in love. Before stumbling on this plain-sense oasis I used to have to haunt the 'manosphere' to steal a glimpse into the male brain's inner workings.

    Like others who've posted, I'm a virgin by choice. It's something I'm a bit self-conscious about, and more than once it has been the cause of self-sabotage in otherwise promising relationships. I have broken things off with men whom I really liked (and who by all indications really liked me!) before they had the chance to do the leaving upon discovery of my not-so-dirty little secret. I have never given a man the opportunity to choose to wait for me. I have just automatically assumed that no red-blooded, post-high school male with options would be willing to wait and woo when every other girl in the dorm is passing it out like candy on Halloween. What is the incentive in this day and age for a young, desirable man to invest in a girl who won't put out right away when the price of sex has been driven so low by other women? Most college-aged boys aren't looking to settle down long term, and I've resigned myself to the idea that older men expect sex, are accustomed to it, and will be loath to wait for and break in a virgin. Your post gives me some hope.

    I am not a prude by any means: my sexual appetite is robust, despite my reluctance to get naked and allow near-strangers to enter my body by the third date. I am not waiting for any religious reason, either. Heck, I am not even holding out for marriage (though admittedly, I seem to lack the casual sex gene, and still cling wistfully to old-fashioned notions of giving myself to ~*One True Love 4 Life*~). I don't believe in fairy tales; nor do I believe it's fantastical for a girl to wish to reserve her 'virtue' for emotional commitment. To quote Alicia Silverstone's character in Clueless: "You see how picky I am about my shoes, and those only go on my FEET!"

    ReplyDelete
  38. Liv, you sound awesome- before you give away your virginity to some sleezebag, you should look for the guy that will love you, or care for more than sex, he will care for you. Test guys out with time (it works a lot of the time) but basically be friends with him for 3 months or more, if he still maintains flirty interest or love, then take a gamble. Use your judgement. P.s i'm a virgin guy, and this girl and I have been getting to know each other for 7 months, i am in love with her and im just fingers crossed she wont use me or hurt me :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. just want to say this happened to me. i do not know if the guy was trying to be a good guy or just thought virgins are bad at sex, but it is good that he left and did not return my calls etc after finding out.

    ReplyDelete
  40. For the girls that are still virgins out there I will say something that you, Andrew, will find maybe stupid. I read that you are 28 and I am only 20 so my view on this matter might be girlish buut my story goes like this:
    me and my first boyfriend met 2 years ago. He's 24 years old. He was the one I carefully picked, THE one and he still is. He waited for me "to be ready" for 7 months as well. We have an active sex life I think.. if having sex at least once a day counts as active, then yes.
    My thoughts after all this time? I regret not letting him wait more. Why? Because I was the one he carefully picked as well. He was a "hunter" and admitted that if I ever initiated something with him he would have probably walked away and told me that he would've waited more for me. Maybe I just want to see him worked up because of me but he is indeed a good choice. He respects me, has it together, has many "skills" and I can still mold him after my preferencies.
    This is why I believe that every girl out there can find a man with whom she can find her happy ending.I just want to say that when you find a man you love you will wish to share this most intimate feeling of giving him your first time. I realised it only after how raw this feeling can be when you are touched by the man you want to give him your everything. I believe that if only I was older of age I would've understood things differently. My only wish is that we met a few years later in my life. Do you think that if we met later things would've been different?

    ReplyDelete
  41. lil bit of similarities but after having sex also if they are only friends and if one want to have their future together how do they approach ?? akward ? -.-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. feel free to suggest me !!please :D

      Delete
  42. What men will think of my virginity is my greatest fear. I'm a 28 year old virgin and don't want to be, its not that im waiting to get married its just that ive never really dated. I hated the guys I new in high school and college, and then the fact that i was embarrassed by being a virgin meant that I was scared to date, and it has just grown from there. No way a guy wants to have sex with a 28 year old virgin..ever!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Anon you're wrong, a guy that really likes you will date you no matter what.He will want to sleep with you which is natural if he likes you and he will wait till you feel ready. If he doesnt/can't etc then it just means he's not ready for a serious relationship thus saving you time and heartache.
      Being a virgin is not a big deal unless you choose to make it one,it can be a positive not a negative.Good luck..

      Delete
  43. I'm 27 years old and have been in a relationship 3 years now. My bf always wanted to have sex which I was afraid so we end up fighting, he start calling me names, I'm hurting him, he will know what to do.....in our early relationship, found out he slept with someone who had a kid and even until he never show me who that person was. Now both of our families met this year February to be aware of our relationship....now I moved to different country for work reasons and I have met this guy I really like...he break my virginity and we still mess about...I can't get him out of my head...pity finding out he don't love me nor even care...he just come to me just for talks and of course sex....sex....now how do I get this guy out of my head.??....why after all these years of keeping my pride and just last month is gone not to the special person because he fucked other girls.....now what do I do?....please share ideas...I'm emotionally broken......

    ReplyDelete
  44. Adriana Lima was a virgin if your pretty enough and have the "qualities" he will wait for you all bullshit aside I dont care what kind of guy you are

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah and so was Britney and the rest of them, huh?

      It's PR. Never use celebrities as examples.

      Delete
    2. smh bet she wld never sleep with you and how do you know did you ever check her? Britney spears and Adriana lima are on two different levels. Unlike Britney, she has absolutely no reason to lie. She already is a Victoria secret model, what more could she ask for? I'm curious to know what modeling agency would be excited to get a woman who waited till marriage to do the deed. Especially with people thinking that its an old way of thinking to do so. If anything it could have backfired negatively and people would be less likely to book her because she is unwillingly to do "more" stuff and push boundaries"

      Delete
  45. Hello Andrew, enjoyed u blogs. Yes, i. Thought the scenario that V* stated, about the bar and a guy told him he slept her, was hilarious, but in some cases true. I am 5'4, 36d-24-38, real hair no weaves, and yes in my late 30's and a virgin. (Yes religion ) is a apart of my life. Told I am a great kisser and giver * read between the lines with giver. I have worked around men for a minute, if only I can tell u the gossip I hear..then 5 minutes later want 2 ask me out? Really? Either, I meet fools,that think I want to be jumpoff or play house, not feeling it. Is there a such thing as being a sex kitten or giving off a sense of being sexy and not knowing it? I don't dress skanky or hoochie, I do jiggle little when I walk, but is there a such thing giving off a sense of sexy ? Plus if more men find out they might freak out..any thoughts?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Andrew u really aren't qualified to nswer such important questions. U do realize that all guys r like u right? I mean what do u know? Ur not a virgin or a female so what business do u think u have telling people that men wont wait? I have a boyfriend of 2 years and were both still virgins nd still he is waiting even tho he knows I want to wait till marriage. We are both 19 and I'm proud of my decision making n I wouldn't dream on letting a man pressure or fear of disappointing or fear of them leaving me aid me in giving it up.if a man can't seeyour decision as special n great then to hell with him.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm a 22 year old female, very pretty and a successful nurse with a Bachelor's. I've only had one boyfriend, my first/only love, when we were both 16; he was my boyfriend for 14 months; we never had sex. I'm still a virgin and haven't had a bf since. I've been on tons of dates but can't get past the 1st date. I don't have to tell guys I'm a virgin, they just know, even if we make out on the 1st date. It's like I have this veil of innocence over me that scares every guy away; maybe I'm too pure; maybe I'm too transparent? Am I just imtimidating? Or do guys just like virgins. I once told a guy I was a virgin; he straight up told me he needed sex; I wasn't going to give it up that quick. Seriously, I might give it up if you stick around; I'm not going to give it up on the first day. Guys are desperate animals who just want ass. Sometimes I do want to give it up easily, maybe my invisible veil will come off and guys will actually want a relationship. It's sad I have a friend who sleeps around and she has a bf/always has had a bf. I have standards but I can't get a bf, maybe I need yo start putting out, huh Andrew? :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. **I meant: or do guys just NOT like virgins?

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  48. Hey Andrew.
    I don't really know if this post is about mostly every men on Earth, but I wanted to tell you about some other mentalities like the one I have toward my virgin girlfriend. When she told me she was still a virgin, I wasn't slowly dissapearing from her life. I started getting more and more inside it. For players and douchebaggers, having a virgin girlfriend is not the biggest deal there can be, but for honest-hearted guys, it is more than just a simple big deal. They can be lots and lots of emotion passing in this state, alongside with the "doubt" moment when a guy starts asking question about himself because he doesn't want to take the responsibility of being her first if he won't stay. I know I am not the only one like that, and I just wanted to make you know that they were still some good men in this rotten century. If my girlfriend wasn't a virgin, I would be indifferent, but when she told me she was one, after some "up-and-down"s, I cried of joy about it.

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  49. I just lost my virginity to a 23 yr old and im 17. Is that bad? We live in the same city but we met on vacation in mexico. How do I make a relationship grow? I really like him and hope i was not a one night stand to him. I know the age difference might make it difficult fir us to be together but how will i know if i dont talk to him? I want us to at least be friends. Can anyone help me?

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