Friday, March 22, 2013

Your Love Life Is in Trouble If...

Your love life is in trouble if...

  • You minimize the time that you put into looking good because you believe that "only shallow men care about your appearance."
  • You tell yourself you have plenty of time to find a guy.
  • You over-analyze what you should text men and when.
  • You actually believe your friends when they tell you that you have "a Beyonce thing going on" or compare you to any other heavy-set-but-attractive female celebrity.
  • You behave differently depending on the kind of guy you are with (dating) at the time.
  • You blame the fact that you are single on "all men being assholes," the male "fear of commitment," or "all the good men being taken," instead of acknowledging the only real problem: yourself.
  • You reflexively criticize hot girls for being "ditsy" or "stupid" - even if they are.
  • You assume that a man means something else when he tells you he "isn't looking for anything serious right now."
  • You are trying to date a guy who is cheating on his wife or girlfriend with you.
  • You don't own high heels.
  • You don't have a gym membership.
  • You believe that you "just need to be patient" and soon you'll fall madly in love with a man who unexpectedly stumbles into your life, just like in the movies.
  • You don't think you can get more attractive than you are right now.
  • You believe that the best way to get more attention from the men who don't approach you is to instead approach them.
  • You are tall for a girl, and believe that slouching makes you more attractive because it takes the emphasis off your height.

Related Posts

81 comments:

  1. @ Andrew

    Hi Andrew, great post, just had a question about the following,

    "You reflexively criticize hot girls for being "ditsy" or "stupid" - even if they are."

    Did you mean to write even if they are not?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't respond for Andrew, but I read "even if they are" and felt like his point was emphasized. Women have a natural tendency to look for the flaws in their competition. It's routed in our own insecurities. Even a hot girl who is "ditsy" or "stupid" should not be of concern to a truly confident and secure woman. So, you're love-life is in trouble if you reflexively get defensive whenever you see an attractive woman. It means that you're not confident or self-assured enough to attract quality men.

      Amina H

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    2. If she's hot then we don't care.

      Delete
  2. You assume that a man means something else when he tells you he "isn't looking for anything serious right now."

    Can you elaborate on that? Will he ever look for something serious down the road...come around? Or never?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rule of thumb is to always mentally add the two unspoken words "with you," to the end of the sentence when a guy says "he isn't looking for anything serious right now..."

      Delete
    2. When you hear this...run.

      Unless you're not looking for anything serious either. Even still, it can get messy- eventually someone will usually want something 'serious.'

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    3. AGREED. So not looking for anything serious.... you just got dumped ? essentially?

      Delete
    4. I don't necessarily agree. My last two boyfriends said the same things - as men, who actually have options, typically aren't initially looking to forfeit their freedom.

      Delete
    5. soleil.... interesting ... how did you proceed after hearing those words? How did you change their minds? obvs not advisable to try to convince the guys, but for my personal research.... how did they become bfs?

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    6. Well, obviously they weren't looking for something serious enough... But I've been in that situation too. Heck. I am not looking for anything serious myself either. I like the chase, I like the flirting, but I am much much better off alone

      Delete
    7. Anonymous,

      Well, yes. I suppose the whole my last ex having to move back to his original country upon his student visa expiring and inability to attain work sponsorship wasn't reason enough to painfully end the relationship.

      aGirl,

      While I am not particularly recommending mot taking people at their word, I am, however, in understanding that what people say and what they do are often worlds apart. At the time of my last relationship a few years ago, I was 21 and obviously not looking to secure marriage or anything. So hearing that he wasn't looking for anything seriously didn't dissuade me from wanting to get to know him.

      I didn't go into the situation really desiring to convince him to see things my way or change his mind, I was just so fascinated by him and wanted to know such a cool guy. We subsequently hit it off and he found me to be, in a word, awesome and within a couple of months wanted to try out being in a relationship with me.

      I guess if you find yourself in a situation like that and you are a person with self control, you can continue seeing the guy if you so wish, but keep your options wide open and make it a point to date other guys because you're taking a gamble focusing all of your emotional and mental energy into that one guy.

      The men with options really will not feel compelled to have you in their lives as a girlfriend unless you inspire the feeling in them that you are very valuable, that they somehow can't live without you. Achieving this obviously transcends much more than just good looks and being arousing - which is very important and a given - it requires a certain set of complimentary personal qualities.

      Delete
  3. My experience with men is that they pretty much know from the get-go if they will end up being with a particular girl for the long term or marriage. Isn't looking for anything serious right now is shorthand for saying "I'm with you until something better comes into my life". Rarely ever does a man get "won over" or "comes around". If you are the one your man is looking for all his life, he will move heaven and earth to make sure he gets to be with you long term.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with this.

      I used to think that some women had it easy and I had to try harder and approach men or win them over with my personality. Not so.

      QUESTION though: What if I am doing everything I can and things are just going slowly. By the time I am at my goal weight and get skin lift, it will be about 2 more years an I have been working at this now for close to 2-3 years?

      Delete
    2. Lilly,

      It sounds like you are trying very hard to better yourself. I would look at your current accomplishments as fuel for your own confidence. You may just meet the right guy before you get to where you think you need to be, if you remind yourself that you are desirable and keep focusing on the things that you can control.

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    3. Would it be possible to remain friends? Or is he just using you until somebody better comes along?

      Delete
    4. Lilly, unfortunately, you cannot "push things along". They only way you can prompt someone is to have options. If he sees you desired by other men, enjoying a full and exciting life filled with friends etc, it may force his hand as he will be afraid of losing you. It appears you are on that path already. Good luck.

      Delete
  4. Hey,

    Can you elaborate on:
    'You behave differently depending on the kind of guy you are with (dating) at the time?'

    Thanks,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't know who you are and so you're seeking yourself in relationships. You let the guy influence your behavior whether you are conscious of it or not. You change your friends, appearance, dress, etc.

      Delete
    2. I think Andrew meant that you feel you have to be or act like someone you are not, just to hold on to a guy.

      One of recurring themes on this site is that you cannot "make" a man like you, love you or even want you. What may appear to be exceptions are not really exceptions. A man may be open to a relationship with you but will not take that step because he has a particular issue with something - your attitude for instance. So if you improved your attitude, he may come round - but he was already attracted. The seed was already there to be nurtured.

      Delete
  5. Is a gym the only acceptable type of working out? I know you talked about weights being important and I do them sometimes, but I get a fantastic workout from my trapeze classes too...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a great workout. Yoga, running, gymnastics, dance, hiking, ultimate frisbee, skiing, tennis, swimming, pilates, zumba--just get moving and sweating.

      Eating well is still more important.

      Delete
    2. "going to the gym" is just a shorthand, easy way of saying "take care of your body and look good"
      you don't need to literally work out at a gym and use their equipment to be in shape. Bodyweight exercises, dance, trapeze, gymnastics, martial arts, soccer, basketball, and so on, are all great ways to sculpt a wicked body.

      But don't become a cardio bunny! You become "skinny-fat"
      Strength/weight training doesn't make you bulky - that's just a lie to sell cardio machines :D hehe

      Delete
    3. Of course there are other ways to stay in shape, but I think there are far more women who use these "others ways of staying in shape" as excuses for not REALLY working out, than there are women who genuinely don't need the gym membership because of them.

      Delete
    4. I had lunch with a friend who recently broke up with a guy she was dating for 14 months. When he broke up with her (apparently he was cheating with another woman), he called her and told her (1) she was flabby, (2) he wasn't attracted to her, and (3) she didn't get wet enough when they had sex. I was SHOCKED when I heard this at lunch. We were in a classy DC restaurant. SHOCKED. 12 hours later I'm still shocked. She flew to San Fran where he lives, they met for dinner and among other things discussed in their loud-enough-so-people-sitting-nearby-could-hear voices, she explained how small his dick was. She's not fat or flabby. And I'm sure at some point in life a woman is not always going to get wet once a guy decides he wants to have sex with her. Once a guy I almost had sex with kept changing his mind within a 20 minute period about whether we were going to have sex. Confuckingfusing. Of course I didn't get wet. I was busy being confused!

      But, I recommend men being constructive about stuff like that rather than being mean or hurtful even if a guy isn't interested in a woman (and vice versa I guess). I was also puzzled that it'd take him 14 months for him to realize those things.

      When it happened initially, she called and asked me to work out with her. A few weeks later, I now know what she meant. Sad (and still SHOCKED) face.

      Delete
    5. She also told him that she has vibrators that are bigger than his dick and that his dick was NOT what she fell in love with. So I guess, MAYBE the moral of the story is for pots not to call kettles black. ...but nice post, Andrew!

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    6. I hate the gym. Will never get a gym membership again if I can avoid it, it's boring. And I don't do boring. I rock climb, I'm doing yoga several times a week, I cycle, I get 20-year olds talking about how fit I am, and everybody compliments me on my great body. My doctor check ups shows I'm as healthy as a 20-year old myself (I'm 10 years older). So no, you don't have to go to the gym. I basically exercise every day anyhow. But I'm not going to go to a normal gym again, I'd rather go go a run

      Delete
    7. Not every cardio bunny is skinny fat, idiot. I have natural muscle tone and I hate looking bulky.

      Delete
  6. Hi Andrew,

    You state that men care about a girls' appearance. The intriguing thing I found is that some quality men are committed to girls with neglected appearance. Why would someone who takes care of himself be with someone who doesn't? 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'? What's your opinion on that?

    Loving your blog as usual.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've noticed this a bit too in some of my friend circles. I think that in some cases these men have decided that the type of woman they want to marry is going to be someone that is "normal". I read an interesting piece on Huffington Post the other day that made a lot of sense to me:

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marina-sbrochi/why-normal-is-such-a-catc_b_2903899.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women

      Obviously this post is about women looking for "normal" in men, but it made me wonder if the flip-side is partially true as well. I think there are a lot of drama-queens out there these days. There are also a lot of women who are trying sooo hard to be everything (attractive, successful, intelligent) and all of these things are good. However, these driving forces tend to make women much less approachable and supportive. Maybe their intensity becomes too much for your average quality guy who wants and average quality girl. I'm just curious what everyone else thinks about this idea...

      Delete
    2. I'm British and a lot of men I talk to (maybe a small majority) favour women who look naturally beautiful and say they don't like women who wear lots of make-up. Maybe to a man "lots of make-up" means badly applied make-up. Some of those men I've talked to further have said that they sometimes associate a well-groomed woman with being 'too high-maintenance' and 'demanding', 'fussy', 'ditsy', 'shallow' or 'not down to earth'. In some cases, there's an intellectual trend against being highly groomed.

      My own view is that they should be less specific about that. I'm uncomfortable with that point of view because some of us feel like we have to wear make-up to cover up an issue which embarrasses us like uneven skin tone or acne. When I hear men saying they prefer women who look beautiful without make-up, it seems to be an unfair reflection on women who might need it more. Are those women meant to stay 'ugly' and not try to look their best? Ahh

      Delete
    3. Remember, do not pay attention to what men say, but what men do. And they do go for these glamourous women, even if it is for the short term.

      Delete
    4. I get the normal and naturally beautiful bit.

      I was more referring to average well groomed men who are committed to women who really neglect their appearance, for example wearing unflattering sneakers, jeans and t-shirts at most times. (Stress on unflattering.) Thus why my query: "Why would someone who takes care of himself be with someone who doesn't?" There must be a logical reason.

      From experience I always thought a man would be happy to be around a girlfriend who looks good / presentable, since her attitude and grooming is going to be observed by his friends.

      Also, wouldn't very masculine men want to be with feminine women? A male who is more feminine (personality wise or whatever) might want a girl who is more tomboyish? Just a thought...

      Delete
  7. A good list.

    A few more suggestions:

    -Your hair is shorter than shoulder length

    -Your skin is not clean and clear

    -You have an unpleasant look in your face while out in public

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if you have a naturally unassuming deadpan face? I tend to look super serious when I'm not because my mouth just turns down naturally so I force myself to smile a lot so I look friendly.

      I think when any man or woman has issues they give off this stand-offish kind of vibe whether they mean to or not.

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    2. same. people tell me i look unapproachable.

      Delete
    3. Then you may need to learn some makeup magic to counter your natural facial features.

      Delete
    4. you can't use makeup to change a mouth that is slightly down turned. Smile if you want to change your face. I have the same problem, if I am just going out my business, walking to the train or grocery shopping I don't care but when in a social setting I make an effort to smile, even if its forced.

      Delete
  8. Hansolo, how come you haven't commented in a while? Don't mean to sound stalkerish, lol, but I like your posts and you give pretty good advice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, hello Anonymous. I've missed you too. lol How are you doing?

      Do you always comment as Anonymous or have we conversed on previous threads before?

      I've been taking a bit of a break from blogs lately but if you want to drop me a comment or question, you can email me at quantumcastle@yahoo.com

      Delete
  9. Have to say this - if more people knew about this blog, all the rest of the *dating coaches* will be put out of job. Seriously.

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  10. I much prefer natural girls. girls who dont wear make up. whose diet consists mostly of soil and mulch. maybe they have an elk as a steed. still use primitive flint based weapons. never seen a lighter before.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is a great list. It really forced me to take a good hard look at what I need to improve in myself. Thanks for writing this. As usual your posts are really helpful and insightful.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I wonder how this guy looks like!!!! Holy crap! Your standards make me think that you must be an Olympus God sent from heaven! You probably have no butt hair nor balls hair, you must be a flawless "respectable son of a bitchaaaaa"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what he looks like and he is decently attractive, though not my type. I would guess his confidence attracts women, but his arrogance then drives them away.

      Delete
  13. Hey guys, would appreciate some advice :-)

    I went out this weekend to celebrate taking my LSAT with my best female friend. An old friend of hers and his guys friends took us out clubbing (not my usual scene). We partied pretty hard and I ended up sleeping with one of the guys (again, NOT typical for me AT ALL).

    We had a really good time together and talked a lot but I left him with ZERO expectations of it being anything but a one night stand (I've read Andrew's story of the 20-something girl trying to find love in the club :-)). I was totally ready to chalk it up to a fun and crazy story.

    But, he's been texting me non-stop since I left his house Sunday morning and has already asked me out for dinner this week. Is it possible he's actually interested in pursuing something? He's good looking, charismatic, successful and a regular on the club scene so he definitely has his pick of hot women. He kept telling me I was "so different" from any other woman he had met before, but.... who actually believes that line?

    I'm not really sure how to proceed. I did feel like we had a connection and I am attracted to him but the situation sketches me out. I am looking for a serious relationship and I don't want to be naive. I would be open to seeing where it goes but I'm worried how to handle sex going forward. Normally I do not have sex until a guy has brought up exclusivity. But, I can't exactly take sex off the table after I've already slept with him (plus, the sex was really good haha). I'm not worried about getting too attached or my own emotional stability, I just struggle to see how a guy could ever actually commit to a relationship with me after I gave it up so easily. But, some people manage to turn first-date sex into a relationship? How? I don't want to give the impression that this is something I do with every guy but I also don't want to come across as ashamed of my actions. Is there any potential here or should I just avoid him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The sex was good. He'd like to have sex again, with a woman. He doesn't want to have to work too hard for it--you've already established that you're easy.

      If you want to have sex, go out with him and back to his place. If you want to have a relationship, go out with him but don't go back to his place, and then see what happens from there.

      Delete
    2. in my city, relationships often start as ONS, makes it hard for girls not giving it up after the 3rd date.
      dinner seems like an ok setup. At least he isn't inviting you back to his place right away. Proceed with caution.
      Do not take sex off of the table because that will only be seen as an immature game.

      make sure that all of your meet ups are real dates such as dinner, movies, events. If after 3/4 weeks you are not seeing any emotional commitment from him (invites you to meet friends, work party, asks for exclusivity) then pull back and detach. Don't invest too much. ONS's are always a bad idea, but move forward without showing signs of insecurity.

      Don't become irrational ,don't bug him about how you don't do that.. aren't a slut blabla. Just don't talk about it and if you are truly the good girl you say you are he will get that it was a one off situation. Show him you are a good girl. be pleasant, be nurturing but not over the top. dress up for dates so on so forth.

      Delete
    3. Men really respect women who refused to have ONS and think they can have relationship if they dont do ONS ? I often doubt it cause relationship and marriage can start from ONS nowadays.

      I once refused to have ONS with a man that I met twice and I really liked him. He really dissapointed and angry. Seems like he thinked I rejected his feeling and sexual desire and wounded his pride. I felt he also had feeling for me, we had deep and long conversation on the day when I refused to have ONS.

      I never explained to him that not that I didn't want to have sex with him but not so soon. He dissapeared and refused to talk to me again. Although we just started developing friendship from our start meeting.

      How explain this ? I know if he dissapears means he only looks for sex. But how if he dissapears because he feels rejected ?

      Delete
    4. From experience, a man who genuinely wants to date you will not stop pursuing you that easily. Obviously after a while he'll move on. How long he'll pursue you really depends on how much he is into you and other factors.

      Delete
    5. Technically, a ONE NIGHT stand doesn't lead to a relationship.

      Delete
    6. Technically but not really technically nowadays. It happens, ONS leads to a relationship and marriage. It feels unfair because for girls who don't do ONS and don't get relationship. But girls who do ONS and get relationship.

      A man ever said that when he dissapears after ONS, it is because he only looks for sex. But he can make relationship after ONS because he is into the girl. It is okay sex first then relationship.

      When you looked into someone's eyes and he looked at you so deeply inside, asked you to stay not with words but eyes, but you just left him when he was so horny because he really wanted to have sex with you, not just sex but got the feeling and chemistry even only in few meeting. Even asked to meet again, supported your dreams and wanted to help make them came true, shared his problems - all in deep conversation ; cannot say there wasn't feeling there.

      This is the fact, reality. Theory is theory but the fact can be different. It isn't mathematic.

      Delete
    7. No. You can't call it a one night stand. You can call it giving it up early, or being easy, but it isn't a one night stand. That is fact. If you have sex with someone, then you have sex with them again on another occasion, it wasn't a one night stand.

      Delete
    8. how to heal his wounded pride after sex rejection without explanation why and no relationship yet, still needs to explain it to him ? I feel like it can be a relationship if there wasn't the sex rejection case...

      Delete
  14. Meredith-I think your explanation is an indicator of what your LSAT scores will be! Although the one night stander isn't a smart thing, it seems as if you'd like to date the guy. How about asking him which could very well be more efficient. Shame should not be an issue, just be frank with him, explain that it's not your usual practice etc Maybe tell him what you explained above, which seems smart. Get some balls and ask him. He at least ought to respect that, or be flattered that you think so favorably of him.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Andrew-typos, infrequent posts-what gives?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Infrequent posts....are you serious? He just posted 4 days ago.

      Delete

  16. I thought this point was particularly good:

    "You blame the fact that you are single on "all men being assholes," the male "fear of commitment," or "all the good men being taken," instead of acknowledging the only real problem: yourself."

    I think that the focus on the problems in men (some real, some imagined) isn't very empowering for women, an ironic thing for feminists to focus on instead of what they personally and collectively can do to solve a problem. Nope. Just bitch about men. And not even most men, just the men they want to date that won't ask them out and are likely out of their league.

    Nope, not all men are assholes, just the ones that you want, either because they're intrinsically that way or because they're out of your league and will at best only have sex with you or date you for a short time but have no intention of anything long-term or marriage and so when they eventually tire of you they start acting like assholes because they really don't care if you stick around or not and most people start feeling uncomfortable if someone they're not that into wants more commitment.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hey Andrew, lay off the gym membership please ;)I don't have one, and still no trouble in my lovelife. Gyms are fun for shortperiods of time bringing yourself up to stamina, for example, before climbing Fuji, or somethinglike that. I even like going once in a while. But waaaay overrated as a workout/daily activity. I, for example, walk a lot - not the gymwear-handweights-powerwalk kind, just simply, from home to work, from work to lunch, from work to shopping to meeting freinds - easiest thing to do, keeps me active. Who needs gym memberships?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because, for most women, just walking isn't strenuous enough to maintain fitness over a long period of time, especially as she ages and her metabolism drops. Maybe you are one of the lucky women who just has a very fast metabolism, but most women do need some form of strenuous exercise at least 3 times a week in order to look their best.

      Delete
    2. Exercise while you are young even if you already have a good body. The muscle memory that you develop early will serve you well as you get older. Not tooting my own horn but I exercised quite a bit in my late teens and early twenties when I didn't necessarily have to and at 28 I do not have to do a lot to keep my body. Your body remembers what you do good and bad and if you work at it you can have your treats and take breaks from exercise without guilt.

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    3. I find HIIT really helps so anything where I really push myself - it's a lot more beneficial than soft cardio (although I still do that for heart health). I want to get into weight training (when I've lost the rest of my excess weight). So a question for the men out there:

      - What do men generally think of women who lift weights? Do you think there's a line where it could look too masculine?


      I want to start working with free weights rather than machines and observe the male response. I have a friend who lifts (which has given her a great figure). When I go to the gym, there are never any women in the free weight section.

      Delete
    4. I started lifting about a year ago and it TRANSFORMED my body. I've always been naturally pretty thin/fit, but strength training really took it to the next level. Cannot praise it enough. DO IT!

      I was definitely nervous and embarrassed when I first started. Depending on your gym, you will probably be one of, if not the only, girls in the free weight section. But get over it. You don't want to be "average" - the results are so worth feeling slightly self-conscious. Most people are focused on their own workouts anyways and are not paying attention to you.

      I have been told by some guys (who are out of shape themselves) that lifting will make me "manly" and "unattractive". This is crap and simply not true. Women do not have the same hormones as men and are physiological un-able to get "big" like they do. Female bodybuilders take supplements and have extreme diets in order to gain muscle tone. Lifting will not cause you to look like that. In my experience, guys who are knowledgeable about fitness respect the fact that I lift weights. They know it's a big part of the reason I look as good as I do ;-).

      You also don't have to tell men that you're dating the specifics of your workout plan. I'm a runner and fitness is a big hobby of mine, so it comes up in conversation, but if it makes you feel un-feminine to admit that you lift free weights like a guy... don't tell them.

      PS - Deadlifts. Do them. Your booty (and your guy) will thank you.

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    5. Oh I am SO taking up lifting in a few months. Your post is inspiring to me. :)

      Delete
    6. I do weightlifting classes...two a week consisting of kettlebells and bars. I also have a routine in the gym using the machines but I find it is the classes that make a difference...because you are in a big group and also because an instructor is supervising you, you push yourself harder. I think if you are already slim you can take the focus off cardio somewhat because it is the weights that will transform your body. I also do aqua aerobics, boxercise and tennis..it's good to have variety in your routine as it will a) keep your muscles guessing therefore working constantly in an attempt to adapt and b)fun-> that's the main thing.

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    7. Guy who goes to the gym a lot reporting in. I completely agree with Jamie has said. I don't know any girls who lift that have gotten "bulky". Just make sure that you get shown how do do the exercises (squats and deadlifts will get you the best results) with correct form or injuries are a possibility.

      Delete
  18. Beyonce is heavy set? hmmmm you must be into anorexic girls then.....

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    Replies
    1. Actually Beyonce is heavy set, but not in the way you think. She has a larger frame but is slim - she won't ever be willowy. I have the same measurements as Beyonce (give or take a couple of inches) and I'm not going to get the body proportions of Kristen Stewart no matter how much I lose.

      Delete
    2. Exactly, its hard to give much deference to any of these blog posts when it is clearly written from a Eurocentric perspective. Any before a million white people come in and say its not Eurocentric....how the heck would you know the difference, lol?

      Beyonce is not heavy set!

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    3. How is this blog Eurocentric? Whilst I can't speak for all Europeans, I don't think everything here applies to how dating works in the UK (though a great deal of it is useful strategy). Anyway isn't this written by an American?

      Also you say 'heavy set' like it's a bad thing. I'm proud of my straps of land.

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    4. I agree Lucy. The writer of this blog is American and dating in America does vary from dating in Europe..in fact dating varies from country to country in Europe itself. Despite the differences, if only minor, there is still plenty of information in this blog relevant to all women irregardless of culture.

      Delete
    5. Definitely. I did not say that to discredit the author at all. This blog has built up my dating confidence in a tangible way. But it's about applying what you read to the particulars of your own dating environment.

      Delete
  19. Dear Andrew,

    I like your blog and appreciate the effort and the time you spend on it much. I have also read books treating the same or similar topics and I agree with the most of what you have written.

    But the more I read, the more I ask myself: is this how I want to spend my life, is this what I am longing for? I am 39 and since my divorce several years ago I did not meet another suitable guy for me. According to your statements my most eligible years have already passed (and I notice of course that it is true), my chances to find a boyfriend/husband are small, I have to try much harder than the younger girls, spend more time on my appearance, go out even more often than they, etc. If I really try it that hard, I will probably have no time for my hobbies and interests, for my child, for my friends and family, for relaxing, etc. – no time for me and my own life. And there is no warranty that I will find Mr. Right, even if I do the biggest effort and sacrifice. Or I will finally find him, but will I be happier with him, will my life really get better, when he enters it? Of course there are moments when I feel sad and lonely and I wish I could have a boyfriend, someone, who loves me. But these moments are seldom. The most of the time I am satisfied with my situation. When I had a hard working day and in the evening my child finally sleeps in its bed, I enjoy the calmness and I am happy to finally have time just for me and to do what I like. Then I imagine I had a boyfriend/husband. In this moment he will most likely come over and want to have sex with me. And I am not allowed to say no, because if I do, I could not keep him. And even if I always say yes to sex, no matter if I am tired, exhausted, pregnant, no lust, whatever, he will anyhow wish to have sex with other women because he is a man and it is his nature.

    NO, THANKS!

    This is not the life I want. I am a woman and my sex drive is definitely lower than his. I know sex is his highest priority. Nobody can change that. But I have other priorities! Why should I state his priority over mine? I don’t want to spend my life endlessly trying to please and keep him. Is this worth it? What is my profit? I understand, that the most of the women (me inclusive) wish to be loved and to have a husband, but when I am honest to myself, I think, it will be better to let him go…

    One more aspect: you write, based on the statistics, it is better for a woman to put up with a guy who is three years older than her. At my age probably I will have to put up even with a man who is older than that. But considering the statistics the women’s life expectancy is six years longer (average). That means, I have to spend approx. the last 10 years of my life alone, although I found the best guy I could get, exactly the years when I will be weakest and sickest and I will need most a partner who supports me… but he will not be there for me, because he will be dead.

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  20. Continue to look on the bright side. PEACE is precious!

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  21. Um, a gym membership? yeah no thanks. Ever heard of actually exercising outdoors? I'm in better shape than most women I meet and I have never darkened the doors of a gym. All I need are my running shoes and ipod.

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    1. agree... most people don't go to the gym to get in shape. they go to check people out, socialize and/or to fill their boring lives.
      I'm an avid outdoorspeson and quite athletic. I've had gym memberships in the past (during the winter..) but it wasn't for me. I found it to be a big waste of money. And it's also a luxury that many people can't afford. Not having a gym membership doesn't mean you won't get a date...
      That was the only point on Andrew's list that I strongly disagree with, though :)

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  22. So are you saying Beyonce is considered fat to you?

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    1. He doesn't describe her as fat, simply 'heavy set', which sounds a little harsh but probably is quite an accurate way to describe her physique. She's in great shape, but she'll never be petite.

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    ReplyDelete