Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Why Men "Fade Out"

Women sometimes complain about men "fading out" - that is, slowing and then ceasing contact after dating for a little while, or else just stopping it abruptly. The alternative, of course, is for the guy to call the girl and tell her directly (in these words or others) "I am not interested in seeing you again. I had fun with you but I can tell it won't work out so I don't want to continue dating."

No guy wants to make that call, so instead, many men simply stop communicating with the girl altogether. I understand that there are a lot of bad feelings mixed up in the experience of slowly realizing that the guy isn't interested, so I want to explain why men do this, try to excuse it slightly, and offer a way of handling it.*

The reasons men "fade out" are simple:
  1. It is easier than being direct with you (for him). He doesn't have to fumble through a difficult conversation in which he tries to balance the harsh truth about his feelings for you with an explanation that doesn't hurt your feelings too much. Not only is striking this balance difficult, but there are also implications if he fails to do so - damage to your ego if he is too blunt and ambiguity if he isn't sufficiently forthcoming.
  2. It is easier than being direct with you (for you). You don't want to hear the harsh truth any more than he wants to deliver it. True, you might want closure more than you want to avoid the pain of knowing he doesn't want to see you again; but the hit to the ego you receive when a guy fades out slowly is less severe than if he calls you up and says abruptly: "I don't think you are good enough for me" (which is what being dumped amounts to).
  3. It would be presumptuous to assume that you wanted to continue the relationship. This is the reason that I think women understand least. Sometimes a man feels like he doesn't have the right to announce his decision to stop seeing you, because he doesn't feel justified in making the implied assumption that you wanted to see him again. Sure, in some instances he might suspect that you do; but he never knows for sure. If there is enough ambiguity about your interest in him, it can very easily prevent him from being direct with you about his decision to stop seeing you.
  4. It still conveys the message. While in the short term you might be confused by his lack of contact, he knows that after a few months of silence there won't be any ambiguity about his lack of interest. In the long term, he isn't sacrificing clarity by forgoing the direct phone call.
Girls that have been faced with the need to dump a guy know exactly what I am talking about. In fact, this isn't a singularly male phenomenon, except in the sense that men - due to their promiscuity - tend to be the ones breaking things off more frequently than women.

So how do you handle the situation if a man starts to "fade out" on you? Well, I suggest you start by recognizing that your chief annoyance is the temporary ambiguity - with the emphasis on temporary (see #4 above). From there you have two options:
  1. Let the ambiguity dissipate by his continued lack of contact. This is usually difficult in proportion to how disappointed you are that he stopped wanting to see you; but a confident and vulnerable woman does not get very invested in the early stages of a relationship, and anyway is not interested perpetuating things with men who aren't interested (enough) in her.
  2. Remove the ambiguity by calling him. Whether you do it because you are impatient or because you are annoyed that he isn't being direct with you, you can always call him to ask for closure. While technically speaking this is initiating contact, it isn't problematic because you aren't trying to preserve the relationship anymore. I suggest saying something along the lines of "Hey, [name], I know things didn't work out between us, and I can live with that; but I just wanted to actually hear it from you and know what changed in your mind." You will be putting him on the spot here, so don't expect much in terms of an explanation, but at least you will get confirmation that he is no longer interested.
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* Note that I am only talking here about "fading out" after early dating. If this happens after a long time together, or in an exclusive relationship, the reasons and obligations on the man's part are different entirely.


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128 comments:

  1. This used to happen to me all the fricking time and I hated it. The first couple times I was pretty clueless about the message that was being conveyed. But then I developed an eye for the smallest signal he might blow me off, and as I predicted like a calculated machine, the blow off began.

    The funny thing is, most of these dudes that have done this (at least 6 from the time I was 19 to 23)...came back eventually for another round. I said no, just because of that. It might be "easier" but it's really weak.

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  2. Sometimes men fade out, then contact you weeks or months afterward. Should they be given a second chance?

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    1. Depends on what their reason for fading out are. Depends on how casual the relationship with him was. Yes, if you only went out once or twice without having had sex, and if his reason for fading out was to attend to some family or personal issues - death in the family, illness, loss of job or anything else "heavy" that he couldn't expect to burden you with so early in the relationship.

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    2. I wouldn't let that fly...it means you're an option, not a priority! Not to mention it's disrespectful. If he cared about you and had a good reason, he would have told you.

      ...However, if you guys are just casually hooking up (just sex) then it's fine.

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    3. But if it was casual, what right do you have to be a priority?

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    4. Not at all....giving them a second chance sets a tone for how the rest of your relationship will progress (i.e. taken for granted, always being treated as second best etc).

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    5. @ Joe, it would be a privilege -- not a right -- to be a priority. But, if he doesn't give you that privilege you have the right to walk away from him if you're not interested in something "casual" :)

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  3. Andrew you forgot to include the point that it is OK for the guy to "fade out" if he and the woman is only dating casually for a short period of time. It is NOT OK to "fade out" if there is a long-standing relationship - ie serious exclusive dating for over a significant period of time. This is just plain rude, heartless and so NOT ON.
    Personally, I think that if a guy has slept with a woman, even just the once, he should have the decency to end things with her properly - in a note or email if he hasn't got the guts to do it face to face or over the phone.
    He doesn't have to give reasons why, just say "I am not ready for a relationship right now" or "Things are really crazy for me at the moment and I need to focus on them for now". Women know this is a code word for saying "I really am not that much into you". Then again, I was raised before the current hook-up culture so maybe just ignoring a person you have slept with multiple times is acceptable behaviour these days.

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    1. As stated in other posts, I think I should point out that this blog serves as a source for women to understand men's behaviours.. Not comment on whether or not theyre right in acting in such a manner. Whether or not you think is fair isnt the point here

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    2. Actually, Andrew does get into when it's not OK (or however you phrase it.) It's at the bottom of the post.

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    3. I agree, I am pretty sensitive, and although it hurts, the closure that comes from those "code words" is valuable. If I slept with you, even once, have the courtesy to come clean to me about your feelings. Men who don't do this are cowards, I think.

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  4. Thanks for this. When you say "a confident and vulnerable woman does not get very invested in the early stages of a relationship"...what defines "early stages of a relationship"? Like, fewer than 3 dates? (so about 3 weeks if you see the person once a week?).

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    1. It really depends on the relationship. And it is important to recognize (maybe I should have emphasized this in the post) that confident women refrain from getting invested early on - not because they are cold or closed - but because they know that a man's initial interest is fleeting and shouldn't be taken to seriously until it has been proven over time; they don't need THIS kind of affirmation to feel good about themselves, and they don't worry when it fades out.

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    2. I am trying to fade out from a guy I am dating. I made the wrong choice when deciding who to date and I've come to realize that the guy I should have dated was right in front of my face, except my relationship with him kind of took a turn south over an argument about our softball teams. We are rivals. I want to dump the other guy asap but he and i are also on the same team. Is it bad to wait out the season or should I cut it off now?? I am kind of annoyed by the obnoxiousness of the guy I am dating.

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    3. I consider myself relatively confident. One of the lessons I learned about confident women is that they're not easily duped, and men respect that. Men don't respect women who give up sex too easily. It's a sign of promiscuity, low self-esteem, and desperation in women.

      A guy I hung out a few times, but never dated. We became friends and he tried putting the moves on me, but he never seemed emotionally stable enough for me to date and it turned out to be true. He wanted me and didn't want me and never really realized that I was not going to be his backup booty call girl. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and one of the things he likes most about me is my honesty even when he doesn't agree with me 100% of the time. He's used to women always wanting things from him and dating him then turning out to be gold diggers etc. Men don't respect "easy" women, and any man who ends up with easy (ie promiscuous and freely giving up sex) doesn't respect himself or has very low self-esteem. Emotionally stable men and women enjoy being with people who don't make them look like they're settling. Settling, that shit is pathetic. People may not always tell you that you're settling, but they think it.

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    4. Wow...my jaw is dropping. With all due respect, the 'norms' you present are completely based on misogynistic views and a sure sign of low self esteem on the woman's part, and insecurity on the man's part. Both quite unhealthy and dysfunctional in my opinion.

      I think it's also a societal brain washing of many women to feel like they are 'giving up' something by having sex. Why would you think it's ok for a man to judge a woman's character based on when she has sex? Women and men are completely equal in the ability to enjoy a healthy sex life. Self respect is based on character and integrity. If your self respect is in someone else's hands and judgement, that's a huge red flag. You need to rethink your worth in your own mind.


      Smart, confident women have sex when they choose to, with whom they choose to, in a healthy, enjoyable way. THAT is self respect. They make informed choices based on what they want in their heart and their mind, not on what the man 'will think of them'.
      Men don't respect this?? I don't respect men who are randomly promiscuous. That seems desperate to me and shows low self esteem. They will have sex with anything with a pulse. Wouldn't give him the time of day!

      I certainly would never respect or be with a man who thought in the way you describe, that he decides if I am respected or not depending on what I do with MY body? I find that bizarre. I see it as outdated, backward, chauvinistic, and actually pretty sad. These are the macho guys who can't take it when a woman has her own mind. And the women who fall for this need to wake up.

      Let's hope women continue to realize more and more that they are equal individuals with equal rights. No, we are not exactly the same. I appreciate a man being a man, being stronger, being a gentleman, etc. I like the different roles that women and men embrace in a healthy relationship. But to see the woman as inferior, and the man standing in judgement of her, thinking it's fine for him to act one way and her another is extremely dysfunctional.

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    5. Deane123

      Men have had enough of the Bullshit that you are regurgitating here.
      You are free to sleep with as many men as you want. Just as we men are free to discriminate based on a woman's sexual past. It is just childish and futile to demand men to alter their preferences and shame them if they dont.

      And make no fucking mistake...these are just that..preferences. This is not a matter of politics.

      I have no disrespect for a woman who has slept with a 100 men. I just wont want a serious relationship with her. It is just my preference, nothing more than that. How about that, huh?

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    6. Deane123

      Womens bigotry on this matter never ceases to amaze me. So solipsistic, so hopelessly blinded by their own perspective.

      I just have a question for the type of women described here by Deane123

      Smart, confident women have sex when they choose to, with whom they choose to, in a healthy, enjoyable way. THAT is self respect. They make informed choices based on what they want in their heart and their mind


      Since you have had such an adventurous, amazing, wild, exciting sex life with lots of good looking, sexy, exciting men; why dont you choose the SAME kind of men when it comes to marriage - ie the hot, sexy, exciting men who have had lots of a wild passionate sex with lots of women?

      Why do many previously promiscuous women go for beta males who never got to have fun of their own. Men who never got to enjoy casual sex, flings, FwB hooking up etc. Men who only had 2-3 gf's in their lifetime at the most. Why do these women pursue such men and then complain that they judge their sexual past negatively?

      You deserve an EQUAL, right? You deserve a man who has atleast enjoyed the same amount of sexual adventure as you did. You should be with someone as EQUALLY sexually educated as you.

      That is why you slutted around right? To ‘find’ out who you were? To ‘discover’ what turned you on? To ‘learn’ about your sexual tastes from a wide assortment of partners?


      You deserve a man who is so amazing, so sexually experienced that he is completely secure about himself. A man who can sexually attract women very easily. Such a man wouldnt mind a woman with a wild history of her own. I mean if I had had sex with 50 women I wouldnt mind marrying one who has had 20 men. See.

      Why would you want to marry such insecure loser beta males who, get this, couldnt even get laid easily ! ?


      Do you women have an answer?

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    7. This makes no sense to me. So in the other post, it was guys falls in love fast and it's best to try to have sex with them while they're "hot" and within the month, but this post is basically, "Screw women that are stupid enough to have sex with a guy within a month" and they don't deserve even being told why they no longer get contacted. Men really are selfish humans, I'm beginning to realize that (should have already, they are the ones in fact, responsible for every crazy religious text written).

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    8. I'm female and agree with you guys (men). The beta males who can only have 1-3 girlfriends and no hookups, fwb, etc, in their twenties and thirties are less desirable, and I would much rather be with a man who can attract and have sex with lots of women. You guys are generally less charming and charismatic as the more attractive men, and we women who can also have sex easily with attractive men do ourselves a disservice to even consider you.

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  5. "a confident and vulnerable woman does not get very invested in the early stages of a relationship"

    I read the article about vulnerability, but this seems to be the opposite of that - doesn't a vulnerable woman allow herself to be vulnerable to her feelings for someone, even in the early stages of dating (in that she accepts her feelings for what they are and gives into them rather than denying or repressing them)?

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    1. Yes Andrew, please elaborate! How should a woman handle herself within the first few weeks/months? When should a woman stop seeing other guys? Before a DTR, or only after a DTR? Should she tacitly let the guy know that she is seeing multiple people?

      Also, will you have the virgin dating guide soon?

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    2. I think he means vulnerable in the sense that she doesn't need to control the direction of the relationship/break up. A vulnerable woman will allow a man to act on his true feelings for her rather than force his hand/make him have an uncomfortable conversation because she refuses to accept that he has lost interest. She will allow things to progress or end naturally and without much fanfare.

      He can correct me if Im wrong.

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    3. Y said it exactly right.

      I meant confident in the sense that her sense of self-worth is not contingent on his desire for her.

      I meant vulnerable in the sense that she is willing to open herself to the possibility of rejection.

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    4. Vulnerable is not meant that the woman is fragile. It is to describe her as being "out there" or vulnerable to being hurt. She is "naked" and exposed in a way that she could be hurt if the relatinship goes south vs. having her guards up and rationalizing his behavior.

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  6. My way of handing a guy who "faded out" was this:

    We had been dating for about nine months and had known each other for about a year before that. He started to do the fade - went over a four day weekend without calling. I called him and found out he had gone out of town to see mutual friends. He then pulled the "well, we need to talk," and I had to basically get it out of him that he didn't want to see me anymore.

    I stopped him and said, "No - we've been dating for nine months. We are going to have this conversation in person."

    So I went over there and made him break up with me in person. I was civil and rational, and I expect men to behave like men and not little boys. We broke up and I cut off all contact with him. He came back after 90 days and decided he wanted to be with me and we've been married now for more than 10 years.

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    1. Did he ever explain to you why he didn't want to be with you anymore at that time?

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    2. He told me that he "wasn't sure what he wanted." So that's when I cut him off and told him not to contact me and I did not contact him either. It was hard but yeah, I expect better behavior from people.

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    3. Thats's beautiful. Sometimes the only way for a guy to let figure out what he wants is to set him loose.

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    4. That's what Kate Middleton did. Worked for her as well!

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  7. Speaking from a woman's perspective, I know how crappy it feels when a guy "fades out." I recall a particularly painful event when I was much younger and I felt like I was going crazy waiting for a certain guy (who strung me along to the worst degree) to call/text/follow up with plans.

    Because of that, I never fade out. I've grown extremely picky as I've entered my twenties (as I'm sure many guys who are ready to date seriously have as well), and I don't want to waste my time OR theirs. I tell them straight out, usually something along the lines of although I enjoyed our date(s) and find them attractive, I just wasn't feeling it (which is always the case- I'm not feeling strongly enough). Every time, they have thanked me for being honest, even if they are bummed. They appreciate not having their time wasted! I only wish guys would return the favor more.

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    1. I'm a female who also gives straight forward rejections. But I guess the main reason is that I know if I don't the guy will keep chatting me, and asking me out, and I just want a full stop.

      Guys are kind of in a different situation because they know the girl isn't going to initiate. The girl will wait around to be asked out, not bug the guy with endless chats and invitations. They can take the non-confrontational route with no real consequence. And they leave the door open in case they are feeling lonely one day and want some attention/sex.

      Anyway, for me, if one week goes by without contact from a guy, I take it as a rejection and move on. No big deal. If he contacts me after that he better have a good reason for losing touch and display some very strong interest. Otherwise I wouldn't go out with him again.

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    2. Guys don't ever do that. If they think there is a possibility of sex, they are not wasting time, lol

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  8. I just wanted to say that I agree with this post a lot. I'm a girl, and I've done this before, mainly because it was just easier (reasons 1 & 2) and because I didn't want to assume that there was even a relationship to be breaking up (reason 3). In fact I even think the "fade out" is actually the preferred method of ending casual, short-term relationship. Although in my mind, this would mean no sex and around 3-5 dates. Anything more than that and it should be a direct break-up.

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  9. Comical you say that guys do most of the dumping. I see the exact opposite. Not in the world I live in. Most guys will keep a girl around forever....but I see girls doing the vast majority of the dumping. In fact, it amazes me how girls can feel no remorse about not returning a text or a call after a first or second date. Makes me laugh at this point in life. I guess, because I can't personally do it (not return a text etc). If a girl texts me that I'm not interested in following a date, I'll usually just make up an excuse why i can't meet up etc... But it always amazes me how a girl can straight up ignore your text after you take her out and pick up the tab.

    I guess what goes around comes around.

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    1. Sounds like you're spending your time chasing after all the wrong women, then.

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    2. I think that making up an excuse to not see a girl (e.g., busy, etc) is still considered a "fade out"... It just isn't the abrupt kind... it still qualifies as a way of slowly ceasing contact without giving a direct reason (which is a fade out).

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    3. Nah - not really. I haven't been dumped in quite some time, but I see it a lot.

      I think the reason guys do the fade is most guys are very non confrontational, while women love to talk things out.

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    4. I agree! I am a 32 year old, divorced woman. I have been back on the dating scene for a year. I have meet around 15 men in that time and only 3 of those men have been the ones to cut things off with me. I am consistently the one to decline another date.

      However, out of the 3, 2 did the "fade out" and I realized they are not men, but boys. A man will tell you what he is feeling, a boy is too cowardly

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    5. How did you cut off things with those 12 other men? I bet you didn't tell them straight up. You probably just stopped returning their call or text rather abruptly. That's what women do. Men do the fade. I think women are much more cut throat to be honest with you.

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    6. Women are cut throat because we have to be. If we aren't direct about not being interested the guy won't leave us alone! Guys don't usually have that problem (because women usually let the guy initiate), that's why they don't have to be direct.

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    7. Sally, I wish more women were like you. I love it when women who are certain that they are not interested are direct about their lack of interest. It saves me a lot of time and effort.

      I was actually surprised to see this article as advice for women. Like the original anonymous poster on this chain of replies, it's been my experience that women do this all the time. In fact, when my first girlfriend broke things off after six months of dating, she was trying to fade me out. I wanted the closure, so I essentially did what Andrew suggested - contacted her to confirm that she was breaking things off.

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    8. How about I am the one that is truly confused and can't be patient so I move on and be with another guy, when I know I like another guy. I waste everybody's time by trying to get some other guy's attention because they won't pay attention to me until I just find another guy and move on then they want to pay attention to me and be with me more. The person is busy because we chat. This person accepts me for me,but just doesn't show interest because he is to busy. It is truly hard to find somebody that wants to be with me as friends or anything else because I truly love to talk about God and talk about things that I want to talk about. Maybe I am the pushy one that wants it my way and I should just settle down and not do anything about it. I tell this guy to loose everything about me until you are ready to be with me, but that is his option to be with me or not. I see myself contacting him way to much because I want him to see how people treat me on Facebook and they persecute me for what I believe in and they don't understand me. I get mean people online because they don't want to hear about God all the time and people say mean things because they are truly hurt by it. When I ask him do you see my Facebook then he says yes and smiles about it then he cares. I hate when people say I saw your text and this is what it said then you know they care about you. Maybe I should focus on God and just myself instead of focusing on any kind of opposite sex relationship now. I am up for advice too. Thanks again. I am just reading through it.

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    9. If you haven't had sex or kissed or been intimate with a girl, then of course she doesn't care if she sees you again or not. what amazes me is how fast men dump women after being intimate. You can thank all your fellow guys for creating men women!

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  10. Andrew, if a guy that you dated in the past pops back up, and asks if you would come to their place does this always mean they're just trying to get some? In other words they are just trying to get sex, as opposed to start dating again?

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    1. Probably. But if he wants something else, he will accept your counter-suggestion to meet in public.

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    2. This happened fairly recently with a guy I met in college last year. We'd hang out and he was really sweet so I started to like him, but after a while he only suggested we meet up at night and I noticed we weren't going on real dates so I broke off contact with him. A few months later after he realized I wasn't responding to his late night texts he contacted me to apologize for his behavior and asked me to hang out one Saturday. I was still skeptical, so I told him I'd be down to hang out but had a birthday party to go to at 10 (in reality I had no plans) so it would have to be earlier than that. Sure enough, he suddenly became unavailable for that night. It wasn't fun to spend a Saturday alone, but better in the long run.

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  11. Andrew, if a guy did the fade out and then after some time the guy and girl reconnect fortuitously, and the guy's interest reignites -- should the girl generally say NO? Or have him explain why he did the fade out? Meaning, should the girl address the fade out if the guy wants to give it another try?

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    1. Something like "I understand you want to give it another try but what changed? You did the fade out with me the first time around and I don't know if I trust this." Address it or avoid it?

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    2. I would address the subject but in a lighter way. Just like "where'd you go?" Laugh about it. If it's someone you only went on a couple dates with before and he doesn't volunteer his reasoning I wouldn't push it to much. Maybe someone else was in the picture before (hadn't totally let go of an ex for example) and now he's really single. Or maybe he got a not so great first impression of you, and now he sees you in a different light. As long as you don't have a complicated history with this guy, I'd just go with the flow if he seems to be interested now and you like him..

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    3. I would treat him politely and wee if HE addresses the fade out. If he has a good explanation, then it MIGHT be worth accepting his invitation to go out (if he makes one). But you still need to make sure he explains why he needed to run into you randomly in order to rekindle the interaction (a lost phone number, for example).

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  12. If it's only one date or two, it probably isn't necessary to have a formal closure. Unless the other party just does not understand and insists on being pushy despite clear signals.

    For more serious things or on long term basis, then out of respect to the other party it's good to have a formal break up. If the other party is just sucked up in their ways with people too, then no need to care about their feelings any more.

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  13. I'm usually a fan of sending a diplomatic but unambiguous text when I know I'm not keen after 3 or so dates.

    I once carefully composed one and showed it to my male housemate before sending it, and he flinched and told me it was "brutal"! He said it's much kinder to just let the contact fizzle out and then the guy can draw his own conclusions and convince himself it was a mutual lack of interest.

    Well, I did this and I was still getting texts from the guy a few weeks later. The last one was about 6 months(!) after I last saw him and this was with few texts from me in response, and then towards the end NO texts. It was like a horrible, drawn out, painful death.

    The reactions I've had to my usual approach of being honest, have ranged from gracious appreciation and well wishing, to sulky, childish abuse, to absolute silence. But I ultimately think - as the dumper or the dumpee - it just provides closure and lets you move on much faster.

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  14. Caroline- What is the text you send? I'd like to judge it "brutality" for myself :)

    I generally send something along the lines of "Hey [name]. I just wanted to say that while I had a fun time hanging out with you, I don't want to lead you on. I wish you nothing but the best"

    It has been well received and most guys have thanked me for being upfront. Though one told me to go fuck myself... after we'd known each other one week. I may have dodged a bullet there... :)

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  15. I ran into this problem while trying to follow Andrew's advice:

    Saw a guy for a couple months, usually about once a week. I let him initiate almost all contact. He "faded out" and I accepted that. 2 months later he texted to say merry xmas and we chatted a bit by text. I asked him about the end of communication and he said that I did the same thing... I didn't initiate contact with him, so he assumed I was not interested.

    I find it so hard to find a balance between not initiating and still expressing interest. I am always enthusiastic and keep a conversation going once it starts, but several guys have said that I seem uninterested if I don't initiate :-(

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    1. This balance is only difficult in situations where the man is not very interested (or shy, but that is slightly different). If a man wants you enough, there will be plenty of room for error.

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    2. There will be room for error meaning that if he is interested enough you can rekindle things now.
      But the initiating contact thing varies from culture to culture. There are plenty of young men that are used to women initiating contact once in a while when you've gone out more than three times, I would say the majority of guys I know. I am the only woman I know who never initiates contact. And yes, you will lose some good guys along the way practicing the "no initiatives". All depends on whether you think it's worth it to stay on the "safe side".

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    3. I guess I have found the one that truly loves me or loves me in some sort of way, but I cut him off by meeting other guys and telling him that I am meeting other guys, so he is thinking I am not interested in him at all. Like three weeks ago, he was ready to talk about getting serious with me. I had to cut all ties off with him on Facebook and the phone too, so I deleted all of his information, but I can still get it if I want too. In the past I would see other girls comment on his status and he would contact me back right away to tell me who that girl was and explain it to me. He told me he has one friend that is a girl and he hesitates to tell me that and he got nervous about it. When I go out with another guy then he will go out with another girl to make me jealouse because he is jealous. He doesn't want any other guy to have me, but doesn't make a move. I deleted his information several months ago and then six months later he contacts me and says I don't remember who number this is because I got a new phone and everybody is like he meant to contact you and he wanted to hang out with me right away. Everytime I get a guy in my life he would try even harder and he wants what he can't have. I am just deleting him out of my life for right now. I am truly not interested in meeting other guys because I am just wanting to focus on God more and just want to focus on myself too. I am happier being single. I want a man that loves God, puts God first, puts his faith into action, prays, fellowships, serves God, worships and just wants to have sex after marriage too. Keep me in your prayers. God bless you.

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  16. "a confident and vulnerable woman does not get very invested in the early stages of a relationship"

    What bullshit. This is Andrew's way of saying "If you have been hurt by a man fading out, it's not because that is complete douche bag behavior, it's because you are immature"

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    1. No, it's because your expectations are too high and you let yourself get hurt. I don't think it's douche bag behavior to fade out unless the guy told you he was in love with you or did something else that gave you strong reason to believe he was going to commit before doing the fade. Short of that, you shouldn't take it personal. The connection wasn't there, so you didn't lose anything.

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    2. If there has been more than 2 dates or anything past 2nd base, then I would certainly expect that a decent person would not "fade out". Just like I would call in to work to let them know I was sick instead of just not showing up.

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    3. True, I have lost nothing more than an asshole who care more about him feeling uncomfortable about having a hard conversation or sending a text.

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    4. I think if anything past 2nd base happened within the first 2 dates then the chance of a fade out is even higher.

      If he's been with you on 2 dates and realized he's not into you and...
      you've had sex the thought is: "Better avoid her so she doesn't think I'm her boyfriend."
      you haven't had sex: "No reason to especially avoid her, she's pleasant enough to be around (until I find someone I like better)"

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    5. 2 dates OR past 2nd base.... for me these don't happen together ;-)

      "Better avoid her so she doesn't think I'm her boyfriend" translates to "I care more about my dick than someone else's feelings"

      "Pleasant enough to be around (until I find someone I like better" translates to "I don't mind leading someone on, me having something to do on a Friday night is more important than her feelings"

      In either case, it's highly selfish.

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    6. I agree it's better not to have sex within the first two dates.. but in that case it would have been sufficient to say "anything more than 2 dates."

      I agree that what I described is selfish behavior.. but I think everyone is selfish.. women included. How many girls hang out and flirt with guys they aren't interested in in order to have something to do on a Friday night? How many girls keep "guy friends" in their back pocket when they need someone to talk to and to have on call for platonic dates? How many of those guys are in love with the girl? Isn't that selfish too?

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    7. I guess maybe what she meant was:"more than 2 dates AND ESPECIALLY anything past 2nd base"

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    8. I think that if it's a serious relationship, then sudden disappearance might not be good since even in break up it would still be good to care about the other party's feelings. Well, unless the other party did things really wrong, then an eye for an eye is all.

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    9. >True, I have lost nothing more than an asshole who care more about him feeling uncomfortable about having a hard conversation or sending a text.

      I can't agree with this more!

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    10. I totally agree that a guy who does this is a douche, but i think a confident woman has the tools to determine which guy is a douche and to waste time on him. She doesn't need to be a mind reader or to have supreme social skills to pick up these cues.

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    11. *not to waste time

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    12. True that. Make and female players alike use small nonverbal cues to indicate that the other person is significant to them. An insecure person neglects the obvious lack of involvement of the other party and clings on to these small signals. It's negligence of reality. Been there, done that

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  17. Another strange thing is, from movies, fictions and stories I hear from others, and even theoretically, women are 99% the ones to be hurt and used and wasted in relationships.

    But my real life observations around me, are all about cases where men are hurt and treated unfairly in relationships while women might be the exploiters.... And I hate the women in those cases when I see people treated unfairly in relationships.

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  18. Because it's very difficult for laws in regulate the emotional world in relationships, at least NOT in every aspect of it, there are a lot of morally grey areas in relationships that won't involve breaching of laws.

    But not breaching laws does NOT mean, not breaching moralities either. There is still unfairness in relationships. I don't think that "All is fair in love and sex" holds as true. At least a code of conduct of reciprocity and consent not with tainted and hidden information still should hold. I don't like exploitations/predator mindset even if by doing so no law is violated.

    Love is about satisfying one's own needs and happiness as well as taking obligations for the other. You take care of the other in a cooperative manner, well, unless the other did horrible things too. In very casual and especially early dates there might be no such issue. But in certain phases, this shall come.

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  19. Thank you Andrew as always for explaining the male mind!! It's very useful and appreciated!

    I understand the reasoning, but the fade is really painful for the woman. As a woman, I can never stop thinking about what possibly happened, or if did I do something terribly wrong! When the fade happens, I feel like an horrible repellent undeserving person. I can't stop wondering, going through thousands of different thoughts and what ifs. I'm aware that men can fade, I can guess, but I never know! And as such I can never really get closure and move on for real. I understand that the message still can become clear after a few months, but this way the woman wastes months of guessing and hoping and hurting because we can't do any different even if reason tells us to move on. A woman wastes a lot of energy and she feels depressed for a long time, a time that she could use for new encounters but instead she feels down and undesirable. And I swear there is not much we can do to not feel this way when the fade happens.

    I'm going through it right now. After six month of seeing each other and exchanging messages almost every day, after words of "you are the most important person to me", suddenly desappearing! If I could choose, I would much rather have the man tell me honestly that he does not want to see me anymore and have a chance to talk one last time. We are strong, we can take the truth, however harsh it is. I don't care about being hit hard in my ego, that's what men care about. I can take it and heal and become a better person. I care about being treated with respect. Fading is not respect. Knowing that it did not work and maybe why it did not work will make me stronger and allow me to move on much faster. But being suddenly ignored and treated like a stranger without any explenation, just let to guess things all on my own, this is a real hit to my self esteem and a slow death. You can compare it to the feeling of having a person missing and never be found again instead of finding the body and be sure of the death (I'm aware a fade is not so tragic, but you get the picture).
    That's why I wish men (and women, of course) did not fade but instead would inform the other person about ending contact after some kind of relationship, even implicit, has been formed.

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    1. I guess I am tired of waiting for this guy I like. Everytime I tell him to loose my number then like a few months later he contacts me again and I pray about it, so maybe I should wait. I am the one that is dating other guys and not waiting him because I am not going to keep on waiting on him, when I can see what is out there then it doesn't work out because I like some other guy and he contacts me and gives me more attention when he knows I am with another guy and he doesn't that on purpose. He is happy it doesn't work out. I just don't understand when he contacts me six months later and wanats to give me attention and talks to me more. Just pray for me. I just deleted him off Facebook and his phone number too. Maybe I am the one not ready to settle down with any guy and that is a true statment. Please pray for me. I want a guy that loves God more than anything, strives to become more like Jesus, read the Holy Bible, fellowship, worship, pray and help people too. Have a great day. Talk to you later and I would like some advice too.

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  20. Men fade out for the same reason why women refuse to return phone calls if they went on a date with a man and didn't like the guy - it is simply easier to fade out than to tell the woman that you don't find her attractive. I would never do the fade to a woman who was my girlfriend, but I have done so to women I only dated a couple times when I knew it wouldn't work out. I once went out with a girl one time and then she called me a few days later and I told her over the phone that we shouldn't go out again because it wouldn't work out and she started badgering me trying to convince me that I was wrong and that we should go out again - she even said something about how she thought we would get married, which seemed like a crazy thing to say. Needless to say, this conversation was very unpleasant.

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    1. Some good points Kurt. Are you the same Kurt who commented on the IR dating?
      There were questions that followed and I'd be really interested in hearing your response.

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    2. I can't stand those guys that talk to you and have no problem with you contacting them, but when you are dating other guys while you are doing whatever you are doing and then the guy realize that the girl he likes is dating other guys and the guy get jealous so he keep on contacting her and contacting her because the guy is jealous when another guy is with her. I had to delete this guy and his friend off Facebook because he would always contact me, when he would see my posts that mention him, but not his name on it. I had to let this person go because everytime I am with another guy or posting about how upset I am he would contact me and try to make it better, when it wasn't better. I have been dating other guys and telling him about it, but I lost all contact with him again, but added him and his friend back on Facebook, but they won't accept it because I deleted them, but who knows. Several months ago I told him to loose my number and everything because I got tired of him stringing me along. It can go both ways here. I sent him a message through the mail because I felt bad for saying those mean things to him and six months later he contacted me again and acted like he didn't know who I was (right). I just need to stop talking and seeing him until he is ready for a relationship or moves away for his job. I pray about it and he comes back into my life again. I just want to do more with him. Like three weeks ago he was ready to talk about being serious and he wasn't drinking this time. He is to busy with his job and I know he is not lying to me. This guy truly likes me but he is afraid. I just would like some advice too. Thanks for the information.

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    3. Pretty girl,

      What I am about to say is very honest. I am a Christian, too, btw.

      Doesn't matter how much you pray - God gave us free will. You cannot force someone to change or love you. Still, you can pray for them to improve, etc.

      Here is the harsh bit - you are his back-up girl. A side-kick for when things go sour or he doesn't have other girls to talk to. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. No excuses.

      Move on. Let him go. Seize all contact. If you are truly meant to be together, it will happen. But remember right now he is choosing not too commit to you. He has free will and therefore, I repeat, let him go.

      All the best!

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    4. well, yeah, that's just weird, after one or two dates. Most women don't really care if they haven't done anything sexual with the guy (haven't made out, touched, bjs, sex, nothing). I could care less if I never see those guys again, sayanora! The thing that hurts is the guys that get that, more than once, text everyday, see you multiple times a week, that your start really falling for, and then they "fade out." That hurts. But if someone is that into after one or two dates, that's just weird.

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  21. Andrew, I've been seeing great improvements in my dating life after I started following your advice. However, I have a similar "fade-out" situation I was hoping you (or anyone!) could help me with.

    I've been seeing this guy for 2 months (casual dating), when suddenly he faded out. He would invite me to dinner, or even his apartment, but it was all very casual and friend-y (whereas before there would be lots of making out, hand-holding/hugging). Almost no texting. I figured it was the classical losing interest case, gave him space, never bothered him. I did the wrong thing by continuing to hang out with him in the hope something could change (or at least I'd figure out why it happened!). Fast forward to now--2 months later (4 months after we met), same situation. I finally decided to make both our lives easier and gave him an easy way out: the classic "We could just stay friends, if you want." He responded instantly and apologized profusely for making me feel like he was losing interest, and said he was just very busy/needed to focus now, and he didn't mean to act distant. But, when I saw him recently, it was the same no-touching casual-only business. I really like him, but I don't want to be strung along. Should I just assume he's not interested, and using excuses to keep me around as backup?

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Certainly. Move on and never contact him again. You must have a bit of dignity in yourself, dear. This man may be somewhat interested, but is clearly not interested enough.

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    3. you should have left that long ago. it takes about 4 weeks for a man to be sure about getting into a relationship. If he hasn't and is instead losing interest that's the answer you're looking for. Drop him or fade on him.
      I make it easier for myself by deleting their number and blocking it so I don't have and they can never reach me. block on fb on gmail everywhere. cut him off.

      There are some really great apps for this.

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    4. Never accept the "Work has been hectic/I'm super busy!" excuse, because that's what it is: an excuse. If a guy were to find a $100 bill on the sidewalk would he be "too busy" to pick it up? No. People will find time for what's important to them.

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    5. ;( I knew it. Thanks for your input, guys. This makes me incredibly sad, but I guess I knew it all along. I only wish he had the balls to come out and say it to my face. Some closure would be nice...

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    6. Girl I am in the same situation. I was the one that faded him out like two times already. He says I am a newsproducer that works 1:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. and he tells me that he is not interested in another girl, but when girls comment he will answer back and he says that they are married. When I mess around with another guy then he will mess around with another girl because he is jealous and he wants to make me jealous. A few months ago I told him to loose my information and never contact me again,so that is what he did and six months later look what happened again. He contacted me again and he said who is this and he wanted me to come over and we mess around, so that is not a good thing. At first we wer very good because he didn't get close to me and I started the messing around part so that is my fault. I had to delete him off Facebook and his number because he kept on contacting me after he knew I was with another guy and his friend added me off Facebook too, so I deleted him. This stuff has been going on for three years, so time to move on except if he comes back and does something awesome for you and wants to committ to you. I added them back on Facebook, so they know I delete them and I am still following him, so pray for me to get over it. Just let the guy go and if he comes back and wants to get serious with you then try it because he wasn't ready to be with you, but he truly has to committ to you this time without any games. God bless you. I want a man that puts God first, he wants sex after marriage, he loves God more than me, we put God first, pray, fellowship, worship, goes to church and reads the Holy Bible too. That is my advice too. Talk to you later. I wish you the best.

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  22. Maybe I'm picky or I expect too much, but I can't respect a guy who would do the fade out unless it was ONLY in the casual dating arena. When someone fades, I know the logic is that they are doing it to "save the other's ego from taking a hit," but the fact they chose to fade tells me they were afraid of confrontation, and that they didn't trust MY ego to handle the hit. I view it as being cowardly as opposed to being polite. But that might just be my opinion. I personally wouldn't want to date someone who was afraid of being direct and upfront.

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    1. I agree with you. When its after the first or second date, I can make an allowance. But when it's after numerous dates, especially if you're been intimate with the other person, it's cowardly.

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    2. Totally agree with both posts. Anonymous(7:35) you hit the nail on the head: "...the fact they chose to fade tells me they were afraid of confrontation, and that they didn't trust MY ego to handle the hit." I think this makes the guy look pathetic and as though he has no backbone to confront the girl with how he truly feels. And to Anonymous(3:23), I agree that this makes the guy look cowardly when he fades out after numerous dates.

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    3. ...which is why you don't fuck men you aren't serious with or sure they are committed to you. it's not men's fault that they treat you like that, you let them. if you had higher standards you probably wouldn't have that problem because you wouldn't have amde the emotional investment.

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  23. Andrew,

    First off, I'm a guy and I found your website while looking for male dating advice. I was impressed by how much I learned from this blog. I sometimes want to send it to girls I've dated. You're saying stuff that always seemed to be there, but nobody wrote down.

    If you read guy dating advice it usually says something along the lines of be a man, be alpha, or whatever. I also talk with friends about dating stuff and regarding the fade out we usually do it for the following reasons you didn't mention explicitly.

    #5: He still wants to sleep with you

    In the cases of dating someone casually, mutual disinterest, getting friendzoned, or being busy with life, I will usually resort to a fade away because I feel like there may still be something on the table, but for whatever reason a relationship just didn't work at the moment.

    As a guy or girl I suppose when you say "Nope, never going to happen." I feel like you're closing a door for something later.

    #6 He doesn't want to sit at the bar alone

    I also live in a small town where you end up dating almost everyone just because the pool is so small, and if you didn't at least remain friends or acquaintances with people you've dated, you'd be at the bar by yourself.

    #7 He is on the hunt for someone else

    This is one of those guy things that is greatly debated among my friends. While being a direct and not wasting someone's time is the adult gentlemanly thing to do. Sometimes no good need goes unpunished. It's a shitty thing to do to someone, but if you're dating someone, it's easier (not necessarily right) to fade out of one relationship and fade into another.

    For the women who read this, I would say you can trump the fade away by simply confronting the guy. A man will not pass up on an opportunity to be direct. So if a girl said "So what's going on here?" A man will usually at least say "I'm not feeling like this is going anywhere."

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    1. #7 happens quite often.
      as soon as the guy senses that the girl is hooked, it is almost unavoidable that he will retreat and compare to other possible options. such is the nature of dating these days, women feel aggrieved for...putting out too soon and expecting commitment (!) without so much as a conversation about exclusivity - which normally comes before.

      by the way, women fading out also happens, in my personal experience I've had girls disappear after a handful of bangs.

      but yeah, rules were made only to be thrown out of the window, trampled on the floor, and mocked as archaic/old fashioned, ergo, the scenery all around us, unless we have our head in the clouds/ buried in sand/ up one's own backside (delete where applicable) is plain to see. we only reap what we sow, directly or indirectly.

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  24. Andrew,

    How do men feel when women fade out on a guy and then years later the female initiates friendly contact? I kind of fooled around with a guy, and stayed friends with him (he always had called me) we'd meet up whenever the other was in town- just drinks and to shoot the breeze- a bit of mild sexual tension, but nothing ever came of it...and I stopped returning his calls- I was preoccupied with family illness and focused on that for a looong time) and then after a few years, I was going to be in LA on business and I hit him up asking if he wanted to grab a beer and catch up- What do men perceive that as?

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    1. I have a few guys like this that are long-time friends. Guys i like to flirt with but would never date because we don't live in the same city. Plus I've known them so long, I know their flaws and I know it probably wouldn't work out. There's always been mutual attraction, but we never dated because one of us was always dating someone else, or we were far apart. Now I'd never hook up with them because it would change the relationship. I'm not sure how a guy perceives it when you say you want to meet up. It probably depends a lot on whether you've ever had sex with the guy or not. It could be perceived as a booty call, or just wanting to maintain the friendship. In my case it was the latter. Unless you're moving to LA I doubt the guy would think that you were looking for a relationship. If sparks didn't fly so much that you were pulled together before, it's unlikely it would happen now. But, anyway, who knows... meet the guy and don't think about it to much. You're both in different places in your lives now... it could mean you click more than ever, or you no longer have anything in common. Go with the flow.. and don't have to high of expectations.

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  25. How does a woman ask a man who is a potential lrt if he does or ever had std's? If he does or did and this makes her uncomfortable, what would be the most respectful way of breaking it off with him?

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  26. A guy did the fade on me after being in a casual relationship for 5 months. During the course of our hook ups, he made a point to remind me that we were just casual, although he admitted that he cared for me deeply and said I'm an awesome woman. He initially indicated that he was not interested in dating anyone exclusively, he didn't have the time to devote to a relationship, that he had goals he wanted to achieve, and just didn't want to spend all of his time with me or with anyone. We always enjoyed each other, the sex was amazing, but clearly he was looking for something different, i.e. I wasn't "the one". I began to notice changes in his behavior after our last encounter, as he was very standoffish, did not respond to texts, and didn't answer/return my calls. What's worse is we work together, so it has been especially difficult. We used to talk on a daily basis, and now he goes out of his way to avoid me. He barely speaks to me at all. I realize that he is seeing someone else, because a coworker casually mentioned that he brought his new interest to the office after hours. It would have been the decent thing to do to at least talk to me about what was happening instead of just ignoring me as if I never existed, that's the most hurtful aspect. I wasn't expecting to be so crushed by it, but I clearly allowed myself to get comfortable in thinking that he had some regard for my feelings and wouldn't have treated me so poorly. Lessons learned...I'm not equipped for casual relationships (this was my first), and NEVER EVER get involved with a coworker.

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  27. Hello Andrew,
    I was wondering..I was asked out by a guy then he postponed and the next time had a plausible excuse. I initiated the third time..he was very busy so he said next week should be better. Didnt hear from him again, and although upset (mostly for the behaviour) I deleted his number. At first I was feeling very uncomfortable about the thought of seeing him around and over-thinking about how to act if I meet him again,not even willing to go to areas where I might see him by chance(we are both living in the uni campus) but looking back I was utterly stupid and was giving away power!! I did bump into him after 2 weeks and we were walking opposite directions and I said hello in a friendly way, he responded friendly and we both continued walking.Cool. After a week same thing happened,we said hello but then he also asked how are you while half-stopping, but I didnt respond to that and just walked on..didnt really bother answering and wanted to make him feel that he doesnt have my complete respect. SO do you think my behaviour made him and would make any future guy with such approach reconsider such disrespectful behavior by me being friendly but not taking time to chit-chat?
    I did bump into him a third time but in a shop and avoided him and he avoided me, and I was good with that because I want HIM to feel uncomfortable with me around and realise it was stupid how he dealt with the situation.I was actually quite comfortable at that point. Hoping to hear what you think. THank you for this post!!

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  28. Why men... fade out...?
    In my case....as I had been married before...from abroad...and was asked to explain in brief,why it broke up....reluctantly I did...however,that started a flurry of questions...over the next few years..and was actully,blamed for my relationship failures,in my past(Im over 60,with 2 married sons abroad...)
    My ex-girlfriend,was actually going thru a marriage breakup...when we first met,in the uk...however,it came to light,she tried to keep it together,despite him being a "bottle man"...buy having kids..but regretably,money was also a sticky issue,with both of them...and with me comming into the middle..later...it appeared,I was an interferring man...,and it came to pass,later in the years...that I was abusive,arrogant,a controller,but on TOP of all that,I was said to be.."good in bed"!,very sexy and attractive man(she became very jealous of me)...and finally,it came that I was "taking control of her life"...so she kicked up her tempermental attitude,and verbally shut the doors on me......in question...have I faded out..well,in a way...because of deep hurting words(not suitable for this site)said by her...and at one stage,when I pleaded for her to listen,she threatened to get the "law"to move me...so I have wel...faded out...and have lost 95% of trust in ever falling in love again,for fear of being ..."mentally abused"...yes...by...a ..woman...who may not be right....so ,at my age...I dont drink/dont smoke/dont do drugs...dont "screw around"...just live my life alone,and always wonder...will I ever have the courage to...fall in love again......?or...just ....fade...out.....//Thank all of you for taking the time to read this...there is more,but no more for this site...

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  29. Andrew-I have a question for you. Someone I've been dating, we broke up and got back together but we got back together because he said he wanted to marry me. I realize that his heart is with another woman and I know he wants to end the relationship with me. I asked him to stop being friends with the other girl, but he really likes her in a way that upsets me. He's happy when he is with her and she is friends with his friends. While we dated other people, we would hook up, and although I dated other men, I used it as a way to make him jealous, and it worked. I keep trying to get him to marry me, but he does not want to get married anymore and is probably with me because he is lonely. What should I do? Should I say something to him?

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    1. That's f'd up. You need help-you marry someone when you are 200% sure and you don't have to manipulate men to get them to marry you. Being in love and marring is clearly not what this guy wants with you so why force it? That's messed up. You are one of those wack jobs that makes it hard for men to trust women. He should dump your manipulative a**!

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    2. If there is the slightest doubt you don't get married

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  30. This girl I was interested, never initiated contact, I thought she might be shy. So for Two months or so I always initiated chats with her. I thought may be she will open up, I need to give her some time. But during that time I noticed she never asked anything about me. She basically responded to my questions and has never anything to bring to the table. Her habit of always leaving first, citing some stupid reasons (call, assignments, sleep and all that bull-shit) made me think maybe she's not interested. Because of her this behavior I never bring any serious questions in. That lead to the reduced frequency of contact (Of course all from my sides). And finally the fade Out, Coz of Two cases 1) If she was shy and interested (highly doubt that now); she need to put some effort. 2) Shy but not interested-- Just having an ego boost from all the efforts I am putting in, you don't deserve an Explanation.

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  31. Here's my thing.. You can't blame someone for not wanting to talk or text to someone they aren't interested in any more BUT when that person contacts you just tell them the truth!! Not even the truth, tell them a lie but just let them know that you can't see them anymore for what ever reason.. Lets say it's Monday the 7th, he's texting you "good night beautiful" asking you what you want for your birthday next week.. Come Wed. the 9th he's a ghost! It's not right. Guys must like hurting women

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  32. I have had a guy strung me along for three years and I am the one that cuts it off but he keeps on coming back. I just can't get it that I want him out of my life because everytime I bring him back into my life then I can't get over him and I chase him message him and try to hang out with him, but he doens't want any of that. He is afraid to get into a relationship. Everytime I try to let him go then he comes back into my life and I pray about it. It confuses me and I want a guy to be into me not strung me along. The first time I met him was on Zoosk on Facebook. He had a girlfriend at the time, so we weren't into each other. Then we started talking more and hanging out more. Then I found out that he was a drinker,so not to fond of that one. He talks to many girls for me,but they are all married and he will tell me about them and I hate being in love with someone that is not stepping up. I recently deleted him off Facebook and my phone too. I have done that before but six months later he contacted me again and he said I don't know who this is and wanted me to come over right away. Like three weeks ago, he wanted to talk to me about getting serious, so I am so confused. He told me he doesn't want to be with another girl like that and he reminds me of that. He always mentions that he might move away and I say what is going to happen if you get a girlfriend and then he says she would have to move with me too. I just need some prayers. I want a guy to love God, first, he wants to serve God, he wants to fellowship, worship, help people and respect my bodty before marriage. Everytime I pray about it he comes back into my life and everytime I date a different guy then they are not like him, but I am meeting all the wrong guys too. So keep on praying for me. Have a great day. Talk to you later.

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  33. What about this scenario - because I've not seen it anywhere on these sites.

    We had 3 dates that went well. I went thru some stressful days after and he didn't care for how we interacted. I was not angry at him, but other work/life issues. We realize I have some improvements to work on. I tell him I understand if he wanted to move on while I improve me. He doesn't say yes or now, only to start the sessions and "we'll talk." Then he starts the fade. About 2 months go by. His emails are not rude but they are short which I sort of anticipated since it was implied that there would be little contact so I could focus. I just felt the spark wasn't there for him and so I did the closure email. I've not heard from him; it's been about 5 days. Why wouldn't he take the out when I put it to him? And even in the emails I sent, I told him whatever the outcome I'd always be grateful that we met. It was clear I could handle a break up. I was a lady about it; didn't slam the door shut. What gives? His ego?

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  34. Im having a similar problem. We had 3 dates over about 3 weeks, they were going really well. He kissed me on all three and made references to us hanging out in the future. I may have come on a little strong asking to hang out after that, but later apologized when i realiezed how i was coming off. He seemed very nice and i din;t think he was using me just as a hook up. ANyways, he went about a week without contacting me and I texted him asking how he was doing and he texted me back a kind of long response and asked how i was. Now he is just acting distant. I know on the three dates he was the one to initiate the kisses, so in a sense he definitely led me on. He would hold my hand and hug me and basically acted like a boyfriend would. I know he is busy with school starting and all, but is he giving me the fade or just looking for some space? I would appreciate if he was just honest and tell me instead of leaving me hanging. I believe if it is 3 or more dates you should at least have the decency to tell the girl how you feel, especially if things went really well. How can you make out with a girl and have 3 great dates with her without expecting her to start having feelings for you?

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    1. because guys have no feelings, as I have discovered. they are little boys stealing cookies from a cookie jar, no more. it is likely he met someone or someone he'd met earlier came back into the picture. we women are told to hold back our feelings so we don't get attached in case of fade outs like this, but we are (thankfully) feeling creatures and we can't help it. my advice (1) forget him and move on. time will really help heal this, it will. and keep reminding yourself that any guy who pulls the fade has a huge character flaw, thank goodness you saw it early, and you are lucky to have dodged that bullet. there are likely many other areas in which he is unreliable and irresponsible. (2) never ask a guy out. keep it a firm rule. guys who are interested in you will be interested in you all the more that you are not pursing them. (3) date men at least 5 years older than you. boys take a while to mature, and they are not mature even in their 30s. I divorced a man 1 year younger than me. huge mistake to even have a second conversation with that man-boy. now I"m dating someone 10 years older than me .... heaven.

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  35. I have known my guy friend for years, always secretly liked him. He used to take me on legit dates, than fade for months at a time. He's great and were close so I don't mind it. Rather be friends than nothing. There was a month or two last year though, when I saw him a few times a week, talked to him more often than that.. we were going out or staying in. we had sex a few times. then I didn't hear from him for awhile. We hung out two weeks ago, and we're hanging out this weekend. I don't understand why for a bit last year it was almost like we were gonna become a steady thing before he "faded" again. He even told me that he knew I liked him before but he wasn't interested in a relationship so he left me alone, he didn't want to be "one of those guys" that make girls jaded. But he was starting to feel ready. What was that?! We're pretty close, when are hanging out.. talk about everything. He's hilarious etc..almost seems prefect for me, but I've always respected him not wanting a relationship with me. But any one have a guess why that happened? Shed some light boys.

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  36. A guy who seemed VERY into me abruptly cut off contact over the holidays. It was a complete 180 from his behavior before: he purposely took it very slow with me, had introduced me to all of his friends, mentioned wanting to date me, etc. The cut off was out of the blue (something must have happened back at home?) I messaged him hello twice and then finally just bit the bullet and asked "hey. why haven't I heard from you in a while?"

    My friends told me not to do it-- as did your blog-- but I don't regret it for a second. The moment I sent the text I felt this deep sense of relief. It felt so cathartic to just pointedly ask the question instead of racking my brain and making up glimmers of false hope. I felt like I had more control and even if he doesn't respond, at least I know for sure now.

    The clean cut is so much better and more respectful than the fade out. When I've ended it, I always just let the other person know. It's only fair to them. I also totally agree about what you wrote about self-respect. Any dude who would act like this much of a coward is not someone I need around.

    -Eliza

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  37. A guy I have been dating for 6 months has started to fade out on me. He won't make plans with me and is often too busy with work and family commitments to see me. I put forth a lot of effort to spend time with him as I fell in love with him. I hate this fading out crap. It makes me wonder what could have happened. Things seemed great. I am heartbroken

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  38. what does it mean when he requests relationship and goes for asking my expectations from a relationship and he suddenly vanishes through texts and when seeing him in person,he says lets discuss things in a right place as long as we are always surrounded by our friends????I am so tired of this attitude and need to know if that means a goodbye..plz help sooon

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  39. Not sure if this posted...I've been seeing a guy for three months, and within the last month, he's been doing the slow fade. I've completely backed off and stopped texting, and yesterday I deleted him from my Facebook. Last night and all day today, my phone has been blowing up with texts and phone calls from him. I've answered only a couple times, very limited. Not sure if I should just do the No Contact thing or keep it limited??

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    1. Also, why, if he's doing the slow fade, is he so upset that I've deleted him (which he hasn't acknowledged yet) and going through the effort of trying to win me back? Very very complicated situation! HELP!

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    2. Stay away!! Abort mission. He will get you back into liking him again and then do it all over again.. the fade that is. Seriously No Contact, or just say it's not for you now thanks. Trust me.

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    3. I agree with Nikki. Do not reply to him at all, and / or don't tell him the exact reason you've blocked him on FB- just be vague like Nikki said. His ego is hurt right now because it seems to him that you dumped him first.. that's why he is acting like that! He is going to tell you that you 're the best thing in the world, then he will probably fade again a couple of weeks later.. It has happened to me before particularly with guys I've met over the net.. A couple of guys have even sent me poetry! Guys are so immature it's ridiculous.

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  40. Slow fade means not interested...he thinks he can do better or there is already someone else. Girls do not waste your time, it cannot be returned!!! Someone mentioned to wait a week and then move on. That is a great advice.

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  41. I did not realize this slow fade was happening until yesterday when he stopped replying my texts (there was over a week gap between the 1st and 2nd unanswered text). We were all normal and so close before so I don't know what brought this on. To give you a bit of background, we'd been doing this pseudo-LDR for nearly 3 years with me being based in Asia and him in Europe. We actually started out as colleagues (so we have met before) then became friends and have a few mutual friends (I even met his best friend by coincidence). We'd texted on and off for the 1st half then the 2nd half, texts became more frequent and things progressed slowly but it was blossoming. It was a comfortable arrangement for the both of us- we'd have each other's company albeit online and we could have casual flings with other people. I couldn't and frankly didn't want to commit to anything serious until I had graduated and had the means to move. I know it isn't a rock solid relationship or even a real one but I thought we were friends first and foremost, y'know- that he would respect me enough to tell me he want whatever it was we had to be over. In fact, I had anticipated that if it ever came to ending it, it would be through a mature, adult conversation and that it was a mutual decision. I can't even be mad cos I feel so hurt by this selfish action- he gets to move on without a guilty conscience and I'm left feeling humiliated. Reading all these replies and the articles about the fade out, it's unlikely he'll respond anytime soon (seems to be common practice though for the guy to pop up after a long while..) but I wish to send him a text that will act as closure for me. I'm thinking in about a week. I'm not heartbroken that he didn't want to continue this, I'm heartbroken that he could be so cruel to just shut me off without an explanation. If he'd told me he (finally) met someone, I would have wished him well and respected his decision. We're both adults- we had fun so can't he act like one and say a proper goodbye? At least, do it as a friend..

    Thanks for reading.

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    1. I don't know...why is there a need for closure? I mean, what is there to close anyway? There's no commitment. He might have found someone else and is focusing on her and will tell you about it when it gets serious with her OR he can also not tell you, it's his prerogative. There's nothing going on between you two.

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    2. Ok I get what you're saying but he could also, I don't know, just give me a heads up out of common decency? Is he too afraid? I'll never know, would I? Sure, it's his prerogative but just disappearing without a word after 3 years of constant contact is dishonest, disrespectful and rude. He hasn't deleted me off Facebook so why doesn't he just do it? It's over a month already and good news is I'm actually feeling a lot better. :) I honestly don't want him in my life anymore. However it seems quite likely that he'll contact me in the future and I don't want that. It's a dick move to just cut me off after everything we've shared and to me, he would be even more of an asshole if he says 'hi' out of the blue after a long absence. I would be able to forgive him because that's in my nature but I won't be able to forget. More importantly, I'm better off being with a person who wouldn't do that in the first place. :)

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  42. Women fade out too - thats exactly what I'm gonna do, I've had my fun and I'm moving on just to get me back in the tedious dating game - if I saved myself much longer id re virginise!!! Although when we have both faded each other out I shall probably just spit it out and simply message "friends?!"

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  43. I had two amazing dates with a guy, and we had plans for a third, with a good amount of texting. We made out for over an hour on the first date, but we never had sex. But the day before the third date, the texting had dwindled, and he replied to my asking what time to meet by saying he wasn't feeling well. Whyyyy does this happen? No, we didn't have sex after the 2nd date, either. And trust me...either he was really interested in me, or he's the best faker ever. I never do a fade-out, and I wish it was never done to me. I get it after sex or that there might be body language cues that this is coming. I never got any of those vibes until he said he wasn't feeling well.

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  44. This just happened to me for the very first time (I am a man) and I can tell you that it sucks; maybe cos im old school in this dating game. I dont find the "fade-out" acceptable if you've had sex multiple times and talked about future plans together. I get that people change their minds (we all do); but the decent thing to do is just be upfront and say..."Hey dude / gyal, i enjoyed spending time with you etc. but this isnt working for me as im not ready to be serious blah blah. You dont have to tell him/ her why and anyone with self respect would accept this keep it moving. Aferall, why would you wanna be with someone that isnt feeling you anymore? I believe the reason people do the fade is to avoid looking like a jerk or a lier. Cos believe me most of them would have said lots of things and made the fadee believe their crap and bullshit.....these people have in-security issues and if you dig deep down, they have been messed up pretty bad in their past relationships. Men i agree are capable of sleeping with a girl multiple times with little emotions involved; but i dont believe this is the same for women (unless she is the ultimate player). I agree to the fade out after 2-3 dates and never had sex or maybe just once.... cool; I have done this and always make it pretty clear from the jump that I'm not looking for anything serious. If you've seen someone for more than a month and had sex multiple times during that period, the fade is a sucker and cowardly thing to do. You are basically an ass-hole.

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  45. I liked your distinction on clarification vs. Initiation of contact to determine directly whether or not someone is intetested. Only recently have I appreciated that no, Im not pursuing someone just because I met you on eharmony, we had 2 awesome dates which you prolonged, and then bam dont hear from. Ill never feel "guilt" about wanting answers.

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  46. I just experienced a fade-out with the guy I dated for 3 months. We had daily communication, intimacy and discussion about some important stuff of each other's current life. I gave him a lot of real support when he asked for help. But his support for me was more verbal. The 4th month we were still trying to see each other but he seemed not to prioritise the meeting anymore. So I started back-off. When we lost contact for a week, he reappeared to ask how are you and pretending nothing happened. I was less interested in asking back then. So we cut off the contact from then for 2 weeks. I was hurting over the past days and thought over and over again and still wandering if I should initiate the conversation for a closure. However, when I tried to think about what I shall say, I always couldn't convince myself. I wished to have communication with him about why but I couldn't persuade myself that the importance of "why" because it's over now! No matter what level we reached, the status was already there.
    Please advise!

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