Saturday, August 20, 2011

Why Men Send Mass Messages on Internet Dating Sites

It is no news to most girls that have tried internet dating, that men often send out generic messages to large number of girls. I recently gave online dating a shot for a few months, and saw a lot of complaints about this in women's profiles. They would end their self-description with a sentence to the effect of "If you are just going to send me a generic message that is obviously being sent to multiple other girls as well, please do not expect a response! :)" I have also heard girls complain about this in person. While I understand how girls would be less than satisfied with receiving what is essentially junk mail, I also understand why men do it.

First, let me clear up what I think is a common misconception. Women tend to assume that men use mass messaging to get lots of women, in other words, that they are internet "players" and are simply using statistics to get laid. There is some truth to this. In fact I know at least one guy that sends out as many messages as possible for this reason. However, the majority of men do not start with this attitude, and a man's use of mass messaging is not a good indication that he has adopted it either.

Men send out mass messages for a very simple reason: women don't respond frequently to sincere, personalized messages. In fact they almost never respond. I would estimate that in the three months I spent internet dating, my rate of message return was less than 5 %. If you consider messaging to be successful only if it ends in a phone conversation or date, then knock that down to 0 %. And I was messaging a healthy portion of girls that I wouldn't normally consider approaching in person, only because I got no replies on the messages I sent out to girls that I would approach. (As a point of reference, I would say that I have about 60 % success with girls I approach in person; so my failure online surprised me - after all, internet dating was supposedly accessible to anyone, regardless of shyness, etc.) But while my lack of success just caused me to give up on internet dating entirely and focus my time and energy back on meeting girls in person, many men that are faced with this situation persist and simply change tactics: they write a single message, which is generic enough to apply to any girl, and send it to every girl that looks good in her pictures. If they get a response, then they read the girl's profile and decide whether or not to message her back.

Most men don't want to operate this way, but when you are spending all kinds of time reading profiles and writing a personalized messages, only to get a series of "viewed profile" notices and an empty inbox, it is time to give up or change your approach. Mass messaging might not be the right approach, but it happens for a legitimate reason.


  1. "If they get a response, then they read the girl's profile and decide whether or not to message her back."

    We know this and it's why we don't like it. We need to feel chosen and special at a bare minimum, or we won't bother.

    1. And you know what men don't like? Being outright ignored after crafting a personalized and thought-out message. But they get that treatment anyway.

      Who told you that women are the only creatures that like feeling "chosen" and "special" after all? Have you ever stopped to think that men may have expectations too?

    2. @anon
      I can understand how that would make you feel. I've made the mistake of ignoring "personalized and thought-out messages" from men online too. But it was mainly just thoughtlessness on my part, not because I didn't appreciate or like what the guy had taken the time to write.Still, it's important for a woman to actually express that thoughtfulness and not just feel it, otherwise, how is the guy supposed to know? I can understand you feeling slighted if you don't get that verbal/written appreciation. Don't let it get you down though. I know that's easier said than done, and I know this might sound kind of corny but stay open and you'll be sure to eventually come across a woman who does make you feel chosen and special. Best

    3. Very, very interesting! I would write back to them something to the effect of, "What is it about my profile that you find interesting?" To be frank I got very few responses to this.They had moved on, too. Best.

  2. They do it because it works. See here: The main point is this: the email content just doesn't matter that much. She's going to decide whether or not to respond based on your profile, not your email.

  3. my two cents on online dating after testing a number of sites:

    many women complain it doesn't work - the reason is, the kind of men they are looking for is either so successful and confident he does not need this virtual world, or he is a player and as such he is just playing the numbers game (meaning bedpost notches).

    the ones that are left are mainly the beta kind, that either don't have that ingrained confidence or is "no fun" - ok to date for a bit out of boredom.

    from a male perspective:

    the desirable women on online dating sites are all "browsing", and exercising their hypergamy. the remainder is either "reformed" promiscuous girls, older women, fat / fugly, with loads of kids, or "issues".

  4. Interested to know how i can make my dating profile more appealing. What specifically should i post / avoid posting?

  5. However, what concerning those folks that want chemical analysis|chemical analysis|qualitative analysis} recommendation as a result of web dating one thing|are some things|are a few things} they relish however something simply

  6. After reading this, I feel even more reason to have compassion towards men and understand their view point.

    I plan to join a/an online dating website in the near distant future to do psychological experiments on.

    One: profile for my dark feminine energy. This basically means testing out and practicing in my dark energy and try to understand men more and finding out what they need.

    Two: A fake profile to spy on the same sex. Meaning that I will be reading up on as many women's profiles as I can to see how I can stand out from the rest. :)

  7. This is 100% correct. I even saw a study that showed that women respond at almost the exact same rate to mass market messages as custom ones. Men are busy. We don't have time to play games by writing custom messages, many of which are not even read. I know I've given up. Women don't even have the decency to respond saying they appreciate the message, but we are not a match. The women often just click on the profile, and delete the message that you spent so much time hand crafting without even reading it. Why should men go to all the trouble writing something special, when women don't have the courtesy to acknowledge all the work you put into it? I'm completely done with custom messages. Men don't waste your time.

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