Tuesday, May 19, 2015

You Shouldn't Want a Boyfriend

The other day, a girl I've been seeing casually for a long time told me that she "really needs to find a boyfriend." I've known several single girls who have communicated this to me in one way or another, and they haven't only been hinting at the fact that they wanted me to be that boyfriend; they've also been expressing an honest desire. Some have suggested it through their behavior or by talking around it; but a few, like this girl, have said it explicitly.

The problem with wanting a boyfriend is that it isn't wanting a husband. Yes, of course, for some girls, saying "I need a boyfriend" is just an abbreviated way of saying that they want to meet a guy who they can date and who will eventually propose; but I wouldn't be writing this post if that applied in every case. Some girls only mean that they are tired of being lonely - that they just want companionship and to feel loved again. They might have some minimal requirements for the boyfriend, but the point is that those requirements fall significantly short of the ones they have for their future spouse.

If your end-game is getting a boyfriend, you aren't going to be filtering the men you date for their long-term compatibility. You'll get into relationships that you could have known from the outset would be terminal (if you'd stopped for a moment to think about it), and you'll end up wasting your time. So be honest with yourself about what you want in a man - maybe even write it down - and don't give in to the temptation of temporary companionship and affection.


Related Posts
1. Know Why You Are Dating
2. Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years
3. Why Men Are Capable of Commitment
4. How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?
5. Men and "Friends with Benefits"

51 comments:

  1. 100% agree, Andrew. Once I admitted to myself that I am looking for a husband, I have had fewer and less frequent, but longer and better relationships with men.

    It's amazing how simple and powerful it is that once you start raising your expectations (self-respect) people will rise too meet them (respect).

    Not that I don't occasionally get bummed out that I don't have a date to X or someone to snuggle with on the couch, but that's certainly not a reason to invite someone unworthy into my life.

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  2. I realised now, that for the last couple of years i've been looking for boyfriends that not only satisfy a need of temporary companionship but would satisfy me in the long run or for a long term relationship(but not marriege , since i am still 21). I was with someone for the last year but because of the circumstances( distance) we couldnt continue it, and the disappointment was huge.

    So if i continue dating guys that i respect and like a lot, and potentially like to see them in my future life but because of this age the relationships dont last long, and get pretty sad about it, should i lower my standards at this age, just to have a good time so not to get very dissapointed and start getting serious at say..probably some years later?

    Or is it wise to have high standards from this age, even though you KNOW that these people , because of the bad timing cant be the men you will end up with in the future. Like it is more possible the man you meet at 27 to be your potential spouce than the one you meet at 21, and assuming you date men at your age.

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    1. I know it's tough when something good doesn't last, but it's tough for everyone. Everyone who wants a serious committed relationship will go through this at one point int heir lives, it's how we learn. Disappointment can happen at any age and you can indeed meet the man you are going to marry at 21.

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  3. How can a woman know what characteristics are compatible for the long-term without dating and having boyfriends first?

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    1. Well, at first you don't know what characteristics are compatible, but you certainly will have some ideas about what kind of character he'll have, how good looking he'll be, how much money he'll make, etc.

      Anyway I didn't say don't date, I said don't date with the end game of having a boyfriend. Don't date out of neediness. Date, refine your requirements for "the kind of guy you'd agree to marry" and then move on whenever you realize that the guy you are seeing isn't meeting those requirements. Some guys you'll be able to recognize that before even talking to them (say, if they are too short or poorly dressed or have bad posture), but others you will have to spend some time with before you realize that they do or don't meet your criteria. The point isn't that you shouldn't date; it's that you shouldn't date once you know for sure that a guy isn't a potential husband.

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    2. Thank you, Andrew. Once again this advice couldn't have come at a better time.

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  4. Andrew can you write an article about how women want masculine men only and reject feminine men. Most men dont care if the girl is boring, masculine, if they just want to have fun or cant get laid. Masculine men will sleep with masculine women, broke women, but women won't go for feminine men. A woman who cant get a relationship is a guy who cant get laid period.

    Also I hear women saying girls are easy but they are not since girls are easy when the guy is above her league or a celebrity.

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  5. Can you write about masculine women? Had a discussion where most of the masculine women in the group said men cant handle them and they only want alpha men. Telling them alpha men want feminine women was not in their reality. A man does not want to come home to a masculine women. He wants a feminine woman who is radiant , appreciates him. Two masculine people cant have chemistry. Exceptions are rare.

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  6. Hey Andrew in your book you mentioned that the women who are most attractive to men seem completely unmotivated by sex... can you clarify why?

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  7. Reading red queen by matt Ridley shows how women will marry a provider but sleep with alpha to get pregnant. 20% kids born in 1980 are raised by men who assume they are the fathers. That was 1980. Now it's 2015. For men it's rough if they dont accept this fact. Women are clueless to y they pick certain men n say just approach her. Even a girl who is a 5 will do what it takes to get a guy 10 to sleep with her n the guy who is a 10 will. Few guys who look like super male models cant even get dates which women dont understand. If a guy does not give the vibe he can kill for her, women will not sleep with him period. That's y we have more male virgins not by choice. Men will still sleep with women who have bad hips or cant have kids. Women dont have to care abt this cause getting the dick is easy. Men have a lot of work to get a solid date without her flaking

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  8. I have a questjon similar to Anne's and would love some insight. I'm a teenager and am dating someone right now (and have been for the past 8 months) who I know I would never work out with long term (we get into way too many arguments and our personalities are just much to different). However, I have been sticking with him for the fun of it and the companionship. Since I'm obviously not looking for a husband yet, is this okay to do during one's teen years?

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    1. Honestly, right now you should be learning, training and growing on how to become the potential wife you need to be in life and what your expectations are from a future husband. The earlier, the better. (Something I wish I had known in my teens!) This doesn't mean find someone to marry right now but be in a relationship keeping that perspective in mind.

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  9. Very interesting. I am 28 years old and my thought process thus far has been exactly that: "wanting a boyfriend". I will change my way of thinking to: "wanting a husband" and see how it goes for me. I guess if I'm being honest even just the word husband scares me a little. Marriage scares me a little.

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    1. I once knew a woman who decided she wanted to get married and dated with the purpose of finding someone who would be a good husband. She was ruthless about it and did not date anyone a second time whose values did not match her own and who did not have a direction in life. She was married within 18 months and, as far as I know, is happily married with children.

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  10. I guess my question is, knowing this, are you going to continue to see her casually - effectively wasting her time?

    And I don't mean this in a snide way, I'm serious. At what point is the man responsible for doing the right thing? Or is it entirely her responsibility?

    Like taking candy from a baby - you can do it, but is it right? And what sort of person knowingly takes advantage of another human being?

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    1. I am so glad you wrote this comment.

      The woman in this case being weak is very sad. I am sad for her and wish she were stronger. Eventually she will be hurt enough by experiences like this and she will get strong enough to never let a man do this her. But it's a hard journey.

      But his role in this case, knowing the woman is weak and using her, is repulsive. Men kid themselves and say it is consensual, but down deep they know they are taking advantage of the woman's weakness. Otherwise if she weren't weak, they wouldn't be able to. It's tending in the direction of the power difference and taking advantage of the weaker that happens in pedophilia.

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    2. Hey, it is your responsibility as a woman to establish strong boundaries! Blaming others for your own shortcomings is nonsensical. Therefore, if both agree to something then both are equally responsible. Period.

      E.g. If you are on a date and you know that you cannot say no to sex after a drink or two, then don't drink at all. But if you end up drinking and afterwards having sex, don't claim that you were taken advantage of.

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    3. Much like the women who aren't the slightest bit interested in him but accept dates with him just for a free dinner. Is that wrong too? Or is it solely up to him to "establish strong boundaries?"



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    4. Hey, if you are at a party and a guy states: Let's just hook up. That is all he wants. There is no hidden meaning behind it. You suddenly get both drunk. Are you going to blame him later on because you could not control your alcohol intake and therefore slept with him?

      In your scenario - Whether it is morally wrong or not from the woman to do so - HE asked her out for dinner. If they were not worth it, he should not have asked them out. The ideal would be to avoid dating such women in the first place by learning how to screen them. (Not always possible, but one can try.)

      You cannot force others to change so they do what is morally right, but you can establish strong boundaries and say NO where need be.

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    5. You seem to be fixated on getting drunk and having sex. That's not at all what I was referring to in my original post.

      I'm referring to a guy "casually dating" a woman he KNOWS he isn't interested in but he also KNOWS that she IS interested in him.

      You're also fixated on only one party having any responsibility to be honest with the other. That's somewhat concerning.

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    6. Honesty is always a two way street - but imposing someone else to act the way we expect them to is impossible. Case in point: your specific example of that guy casually dating someone he doesn't care for, but knows is interested in him.

      I'd rather not make assumptions - he may or may not have clearly informed her that this is just a casual thing.

      One thing, however, is clear. She is unhappy with the treatment receiving from him. She wants more, he doesn't. Then why is she still seeing him casually?

      My point is basically this: whatever situation you are facing, the reality is that we cannot control the other person's behaviour. We cannot force someone else to act to responsibly (or what we believe to be a responsible behaviour). We can only control our own behaviour.

      Thus why establishing strong boundaries, to me at least, is very important! It let's the other person know what you will and will not tolerate.

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    7. Just to jump in here: yes, I do think I have a responsibility in the situation. My responsibility to her is to be honest about what I want, what I don't want, and then respect her autonomy and character enough to her let make up her own mind. And I have done all of that.

      By willingly removing myself from the "relationship" with her in spite of loving the sex and enjoying the time I occasionally spend with her, I would be saying "I know what't best for you more than you know what's best for yourself, and I don't trust your ability to make your own decisions." And that, I am afraid, is much more harmful than sleeping with her.

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    8. You say...

      “...And that, I am afraid, is much more harmful than sleeping with her."

      You've worded this statement like it’s a fact - but it’s actually an opinion. Yours.

      Unless you have discussed it with her, you do not know if she would find the idea of you, in a situation like this, knowing what’s 'best' for her 'harmful'. If you haven’t talked about it, you’re deciding what’s best for her anyway, aren't you?

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    9. Insightful point. The fact might be that you are having a moral difficulty; you might have become muddle headed as a result of past decisions as well as heavy media influence. --though, aren't we all victims? Deep down I know sex before marriage is not right, but the rules of attraction you have described are so true and you've presented them well. So I find an internal dissonance; I like what you write, but I also know that the part about sex while dating could have swayed my moral judgment if I had not firmly believed in keeping myself away from it.

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  11. Andrew,
    So I had the impression that you were considering settling down to marry someone? What are you looking for in a wife in practical terms - and would you mind sharing them?
    For a few days I have been contemplating the possibility of marrying someone who is not extremely socially popular, but is very good-natured and diligent. If I try I could probably get someone 'fancier', richer, or more established with no less social compatibility, and with him I think I would (not like he would not) be getting into a garden with a lot of weeds to pull. I suppose this might be my attitude to marriage- the person we are seeing might not be the 'best' judging by current evaluation, but we can see both willing and prepared to do the gardening work alongside the other half. I suspect women in general have the same attitude: they will be ready to commit and support their spouse as far as their spouses will have them. What do you think?

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  12. More of.. What Andrew think about "true" live, soul mates and such...or maybe soul mates is just matching developed taste looks plus relatively matching amounts of drama supported by matching, once again, amounts if general optimism..? Or there are "halves of one fruit" out there and some might never meet their other half.....not without your help there maybe ;-)

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  13. ps. True love I meant*

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  14. And as an adviser on such matters, you shouldn't have friends with benefits? She's probably afraid to say that she wants a husband, because of the reaction of men like you.

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    1. And what's that reaction like? :)

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  15. At what point is it okay for a girl to mention to a potential guy that she wants a husband and not something casual? First date? Second date?

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    1. Telling a guy that you want a husband will scare him away. Rather than outright saying you want a husband, you need to show a guy that you're looking for a long-term relationship. You can tell a guy you're not looking for a casual relationship and being a high-value woman. Set important boundaries so that if a guy does something you do not like, you walk away and cut them off. If you're looking for a husband, you need to filter out those who are trying to get into your pants and those who are also on the same of looking for something serious.

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    2. Why tell any guy anything about what u are looking for ....loll so he adjusts his act accordingly to get into your pants more successfully? :)

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  16. Please everybody, consider taking Alfalfa leaves. It induces sexual maturity. :)

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  17. sexual maturation, to be exact..

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  18. Another brilliant post. I think there is a way to approach the topic of commitment without seeming like youre in some big rush to race down the aisle. For example, mentioning that you don't do casual relationships because of the whole "sleeping around" issues, preferring to limit your sexual partners. I don't know how anyone can be put off if you express that, unless they're just looking to only get in your pants anyway.

    Interestingly, I met a guy recently in a non-dating capacity. We seemed to click however and there was a mutual attraction there... but in this first encounter he started asking me about my views about marriage, if I wanted kids etc. Im not in some massive rush to get married and im undecided about kids. I told him as much and he was visibly disappointed.

    I wasn't put off by this guy's eagerness for commitment however, it showed his longterm potential. It was quite endearing. If a woman did that though, the guy would be running for the hills lol.

    - Lubna
    http://www.thedigitalreview.co.uk/

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    1. I'm seeing a guy who makes comments that make me think he's looking for a wife. We're only 21, though. He has lots of friends who are engaged, and three of his family members got married this year. Honestly, he ticks off all the boxes and we have excellent chemistry, but the possibility of marrying at this age terrifies me. Guys are not the only ones who are afraid of commitment.

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    2. I know a couple of people who married young and are still happily married nowadays. It is your and his attitude towards working together in marriage that matters. Especially when things are tough.

      I certainly do not believe that the grass is greener on the other side. So if he ticks all the boxes why not marry him?

      Ensure though you both have similar life goals. Does he want to work somewhere where a lot of travelling is involved? Would you be up for that? Would you be able to move from place to place frequently or would you be okay with not having him around for a week or two because of his job?

      Financial concerns - does he spend more than he has?

      A good book to read if you are considering getting married is "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. Brilliant book! Pretty concise, too.

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    3. A woman saying "she doesn't do casual" carries an undercurrent of plausible deniability.

      If she really "Reeeally" wants something for the future, she does not need to state it so crudely. Actions speak louder than words.

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  19. For more on this topic, see "Why There are No Good Men Left" by Whitehead.

    She discusses "relationship systems v. marriage systems."

    The take-home idea is that you should have an idea which system you're placing yourself in.

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  20. So, a man becomes an early boyfriend. He takes a girl out to dinners, calls her all the time, talks to her all day on an instant messenger, texts her incessantly, and meets her friends and introduces her to his friends. He does everything a boyfriend would do, except get intimate with her.

    What’s a woman think about a guy like this? Well, to be frank, she thinks he’s a chump. Not in those words, exactly – she’ll say something more like, “He’s so sweet,” or, “He’s such a great friend.”

    Women don’t see early boyfriends as powerful, dominant, sexy, masculine men. Because for a woman to see a man that way, he’s got to either be physical with her, or have the potential of becoming physical with her at a moment’s notice.

    Early boyfriends, on the other hand, are safe. They aren’t going to move too fast; they aren’t going to be aggressive, or push for intimacy. They’re too invested; too afraid of losing what they’ve built. So, they move slow, they move tentatively, and they let opportunities to get physical slip by one after another.

    So what is it that these men have built, exactly? In a word: nothing. They’ve built nothing. They’ve constructed a house of sand that will fall down in a gentle breeze.

    Women know this, and they see these men clinging desperately to this idea of the two of them getting together, and it turns them off. A real man with less invested in a girl will just come along and take her and be with her physically in a far shorter amount of time than it’s taking the early boyfriend to get to that same point.

    In fact, if a man stays as an early boyfriend long enough, there’s a fair chance “his” girl has gotten physical at some point along the line with another, more assertive man.

    http://www.girlschase.com/content/early-boyfriend-why-its-bad-idea

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  21. As a 44 year old woman I've got to say at this point in my life all I want is a boyfriend. I have no interest in getting married again. Having a spouse is not everyone's end game.

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    1. That's exactly my case. I'm 31, I'm pretty and smart. I'm planning to travel and that's why I can't have a long-term relationship but I'd like to have a bf. Someone to go to party, to watch a movie, have sex, and spend some time. I think these points are really creepy for some guys as they see them as a committed, serious, monogamous and jail-relationship which is unfair. I don't wanna have a husband, just a boyfriend and I can't even have that.

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  22. Even easy girls throw sh#t test like no tomorrow. guys who get laid and dates are ones who can pass her test. women are so unconscious of doing these tests that they never think about it. most guys are not good at passing her test so end up in the friend-zone=he cant handle me. if men test women, women leave angry. so in order to get laid,date,marry a man must pass her tests period. american women have the most brutal test vs European foreign women

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  23. Andrew can you make a topic about women test men all the time without knowing. the player and guys good with women will pass it and get laid. most guys who dont get laid cant pass her test. women are clueless to these tests. hence a masculine woman will get more D vs a feminine man will get less women. men dont sh$t test women. men are easy

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  24. Women tend not to grasp that to men, the perfect girlfriend and the ideal wife are 2 different people.

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  25. I waited almost 6 years for my fiance to propose even though we knew we were going to get married a year in. It can't be helped. Society today doesn't make it easy for young people to get married. Even now, I only have a handful of acquaintances my age who are doing well enough financially to have children.

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  26. So interesting phenomenon... Not sure if it's just coincidence or not. I tend to dress very pretty, doll like /feminine: pretty short dress, heels or platforms, hair softly done, soft makeup. I tend to catch men staring when they think I'm not looking. BUT lately I've even quite dressed down (new job that requires casual clothes) so pants and a tshirt or a simple tshirt dress, hair a little messy, very little makeup... And men are now going out of their way to catch my eye, make eye contact, smile... I seem much more approachable this way! My male friends say men can tell I have a great body no matter what I wear and I'm much less intimidating casual. I'm in a happy relationship so I don't encourage the attention or encourage it to go further. But I thought this was interesting! Any thoughts????

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  27. It all comes down to the culture of harrassment and victimology, or as put elsewhere, the goal of feminism is to maximize women's sexuality while constraining the male sexuality. The latter is done only by the leaders of the feminist movement, yes, the ugly ones who get no attention therefore they turn their hatred to stop something like "rape" culture which is a falsity entirely.

    If people were cooler about things, more guys would approach. There is social stigma though, because you don't know how weird a woman is no matter her looks, or how receptive she might be. For example, Chris Rock nailed it with his "What really is sexual harrassment" intro on SNL years ago. It's just "when an ugly dude wants some". That's what the term "creepy" is. If the dude is OK in a woman's eyes, she's never bothered by what he says or suggests, unless it's literally disgusting. You could have two guys say the same thing but the one who isn't up to par in the woman's eyes is labeled a "creep."

    Now tell me about double standards. Women rule in them, yet they always get mad at the double standards that don't go their way. Capiche?

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  28. I'm 100% agree, that relationships between man and woman depends on the culture. If you live in USA you'll never have same relationships, sex as in India, for example. Also education gives it mark.

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  29. What does education do, in your opinion, Tom?

    The West is giving way to traditional, 3rd world peoples, ironically, anyway.

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