Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How to Make Yourself Approachable

As I have indicated in other posts, there are three aspects or stages of female game:
  1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
  2. Making yourself approachable
  3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you
This post obviously deals with the second item on the list, but it needs to be prefaced with an important caveat: improving approachability is the easiest but also the least effective way of improving a female's game. While the advice below can be helpful and it merits attention, you will be disappointed if you think it will dramatically improve your dating life. Women who do not get approached should never assume that their problem lies in this area. I have met only a few girls in my life that have actually had this problem, and usually it is accompanied by a social awkwardness that is debilitating in later stages of a relationship anyway. In any case, work on 1 and 3 before you worry about 2.

Most of these pointers are negative in nature, in other words, things you should not do. This is not a coincidence or due to the omission of the positive suggestions. It is because the nature of a woman's game (when it comes to approaching) is inherently more passive. A woman makes herself approachable by removing as many deterrents as possible.

While the best of these tips are designed to remove obstacles that make it near-impossible for a guy to approach, there are others that essentially "make it easy" for a guy. While including these goes against the spirit of other advice I've posted here, I acknowledge that the need for filtering out men with purely sexual intentions - while important to some girls - applies in proportion to the amount of attention from men a woman is getting. If you don't have that problem, the "make it easy" tips might help as much as the "make it possible" tips - but use the former wisely.

1. Don't Go Out With Men
Women surrounded by men never get approached, and in the rare event that they do, the men will usually make it difficult or impossible for the approaching male. Having men around you, regardless of their relationship with you or even their sexuality, is the single biggest game killer.

2. Don't Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls
Split up into smaller groups, ideally groups of two or three. This gives men an opportunity to meet you without having the burden of entertaining the whole group, or at least saves them the difficulty of extracting you from it. Your jealous girlfriends are experts at making this hard for him. If you are with girls that are prone to doing this, tell them ahead of time not to pull you away if you are approached.

3. Have Open Body Language
If you and your girlfriends want to meet guys, don't huddle or sit down, or turn your backs on the action. Stand side by side, or at an obtuse angle to one another. This demonstrates that you are open to conversation. If you have a drink, hold it down, away from your chest. A drink clutched up against your body comes across defensive and unwelcoming. Try it out with your friend when you are standing next to her; as you pull your drinks down and away you will feel much more open and relaxed. Men actually do notice this, though it is subconscious. It might take some getting used to but it will pay off.

4. Don't Worry About Smiling At Him
I swear all girls must have be told at some point "if a guy you like looks at you, make sure you smile." I cannot count the number of times I have made eye contact with a girl and had her respond with what is clearly a forced and awkward smile. So here's the advice: if it doesn't come naturally, don't do it. A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are nervous or awkward. While a smile might encourage a guy that needs some reassurance, I guarantee that it will not make or break his decision if it isn't natural. Forced smiles are very easy to recognize, even for men. Prolonged eye contact alone should suffice (see below).

5. Make Eye Contact
This is the single most effective way of inviting a man to hit on you. Make eye contact and hold it. While this is actually a form of initiating the interaction, which I wouldn't normally suggest, it still leaves the ball mostly in his court. Give up and move on if he doesn't approach after ten seconds of collective eye contact (this could be 2 seconds in 5 different instances, for example). If he hasn't approached after that much of an invitation, he either isn't actually interested or doesn't have the balls - probably the latter if the eye contact was really ten seconds. Avoid "eye-fucking" guys, since this is too forward and definitely falls into the category of initiating.

6. Get Close
If a guy wants to hit on you, getting close enough to make it happen is usually just a matter of taking a few strides in your direction. However, in some circumstances it can be a little more difficult for him, and then it makes sense for you to get closer. For example, if he is with a group of friends it might be hard for him to get everyone to move to your area. Even if he doesn't have such hurdles, it never hurts to move closer; just avoid making it too obvious by hovering awkwardly or staying too long (I suggest staying only a few minutes, though this depends somewhat on the circumstances).

7. Don't Stay on The Dance Floor All Night
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You might feel more comfortable or have more fun dancing rather than standing around waiting for guys to talk to you, but when you are on the dance floor you are basically off limits - except to drunken, groping men. If you are a good dancer, it definitely doesn't hurt to be seen dancing. It also shows that you are fun and feminine. But while it might get you noticed or earn you some points with potential suitors, it will ultimately prevent them from approaching if you stay out there too long.

8. Have A Drink
While no one likes a sloppy drunk girl, having one or two drinks will calm your nerves, help you flirt, open your body language, and generally make you more approachable. It also demonstrates that you are easy-going and like to have fun. Just avoid getting drunk, which is unattractive.

9. Avoid Loud Places
Don't hang out in front of the speakers or at bars/clubs where you know they will have extremely loud music. I  almost never approach girls in areas that would require me to shout or lean in to talk in her ear. Outdoor places are usually good in this respect.

10. Choose Your Location Wisely
Stand somewhere where men are coming and going to, other than the bathroom. Usually the best place for this is the bar, but sometimes it can be too crowded, in which case I would suggest standing towards the back of the crowd. Don't stand in a corner or away from the action, as you might not be seen. Balconies are always good because they give a man the chance to walk up beside you and comment on whatever you are overlooking. Make sure there is at least one open direction (in front of or beside you) from which he can approach.

11. Don't Leave Too Early 
I've seen girls that I wanted to talk to leave the bar or club before I had the opportunity to meet them. Also, a lot of men need a couple drinks before they feel comfortable approaching girls. Assuming you don't mind being approached by a guy that needs a little help from the bottle, you need to be around when they reach that point.

12. One of the most important points, which I added later. Read it here.

If you get disheartened because men are not approaching you, or if you have an initial interaction with a guy you like and then he leaves or doesn't take your number - tough luck. This is part of female game, just like approaching, being rejected and humiliated is part of a man's. When a guy gets rejected, he doesn't blame the girl; he blames himself. When I get turned down, I know that if I had been more confident or smarter, or otherwise a man of higher value, she would have been attracted to me. I make it my goal to always improve, so that next time I will walk away with her number. The same should go for you: when a guy walks away without your contact information, suck it up, figure out other ways to make yourself more attractive or personable (the other posts in this blog should help), then get back out there.


  1. I think 5 seconds of eye contact is more than more than most women will give any guy they don't already know. Try making eye contact with a stranger sometime and count "one Mississippi..etc." and see how long it seems to five. I think most people will overestimate the amount of eye contact they actually make with a stranger.

  2. Question: A guy that I know through similar activties, loves to look me right in the eye. He will be hosting an event and look directly at me in the crowd for long periods of time. This has happened since the beginning of our interactions. I maintain eye contact with him, whenever I notice. So the question is, what else can I do? It's been impossible to strike up conversation with him at these events (he is working), but I don't know what to do.

  3. That's an interesting one... if he is confident enough to speak publicly frequently, I am almost sure he would be confident enough to pursue you if he wanted to. But I couldn't really say without knowing the details. Shoot me an e-mail if you want to tell me more.

    1. I have the same problem, what;s your advice?

  4. I'd be curious to hear your input as to why - when a guy does approach a girl, they have a good convo, and he walks away w/ her number, he doesn't call her back or contact her again? Assuming she is not a sloppy drunk and the convo was flowing/pleasant/etc?

    1. There are a few possible reasons for this:

      1. He might have gotten your number just to boost his ego.
      2. He is too shy.
      3. He met another girl that he is more interested in pursuing.
      4. He died.
      5. He will call you eventually.

      My guess is #1 or #3.

    2. 6. He lost his phone.
      I've seen male friends lose their phone and say "damn and now I don't have that girl's number". If they are really interested, they usually try other ways to get in touch though, e.g. asking other people who were there the same night.

  5. Haha oh dear I am so happy I found this blog!!!! I love your honesty, boldness & bluntness in writing!! It is an eye opener on many occasions! Xx thank you for starting it

  6. Haha I am so happy I found this blog!! I appreciate your direct blunt & no nonsense way of writing!! Exactly what we need to know. No nice wrapping just truth as is ;-) example: "work first on number 1&3"

  7. I'm not 100% sure if you've made a post on this before. But, what is your advice on making yourself approachable in a causal, non-bar situation?

    1. I haven't. It is a good post idea but I haven't given it too much thought. I'll add it to the list.

  8. I think the body language tips are fantastic for woman. I think a lot of body language is bad habit and it can be repelling guys without even knowing it. Like hand gestures; you might be touching your face, crossing your arms, twirling your and etc with even realizing it. Each gesture insinuates what your thinking or feeling.

    Another tip, if I made add it? Is wearing an article of clothing, unique jewelry piece or accessory that makes you stand out from the pack. Some pickup artist call this idea peacocking. If you think about, guy's are looking for a woman to approach, if your different it makes it easier for them to approach you.

  9. many women are certainly very hard to approach nowadays, since many of the women today do play very hard to get with their very bad attitude problem too.

    1. That's not always true. Sometimes it looks like a 'bad attitude' because of unwanted attention - sour face is the only way to put a guy off when that happens. Sometimes I'm forced to be blunt and rude because the guy won't listen to my attempts to put him off.

      Okay some do play hard to get. But some women just don't want persistence when they've made their lack of interest clear. I've seen some men put that down to 'playing hard to get' when in actuality it's the woman impressing that she's not available to him. I don't hide it when I'm not interested but some men do interpret what I say as 'hard to get' and keep pursuing me despite my lack of interest.

    2. Lucy is right. Sometimes you have to be almost a b$tch for some guys to leave you alone. Some guys just can't take a hint.

    3. True that Lucy!

  10. A woman attracted by a man will ALWAYS make it easy for him to approach her.

  11. Lol. So in other words, just be a normal human being, not too pushy, not too cloistered, and you should be fine.

  12. I have a problem like that. I'm attracted to one guy in particular. We always share eye contact, and sometimes he will smile. I can't tell if I should go for it and make a move(try and have a conversation). I get intimated by him, knowing he's older than me and more experienced. Any thoughts on what I should do?

  13. Intersesting there is some good info here

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