Sunday, August 14, 2011

Who Is This Girl?

"Who is this girl??" I thought as she handed me a bottle of wine. I'd only been dating her for a few weeks and we'd probably only gone out a couple times, but here she was, meeting me at the mall to go shopping, and bringing me a gift. My memory is a little vague but I don’t even think we’d slept together at that point, or if so it had only been once or twice.

"My mom and I had a bottle of this the other night with dinner and really liked it. I noticed you had a few bottles of red wines at your apartment, so I brought this for you."

My jaw was basically hanging on the floor at this point. Girls never do this. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of gifts I have received from dates. I could almost feel my opinion of this girl increasing as I experienced some combination of surprise, gratefulness, flattery and – I mean this honestly – sexual arousal. Surprise because it was so unexpected. Gratefulness because I do like red wine, and it was a type she particularly enjoyed so probably it would be good. Flattery because she was demonstrating that she cared enough to think about me when we weren’t together. And then sexual arousal – why? I can’t entirely describe it because I have so few instances to reflect on, but I think by bringing me a gift she was being extremely nurturing and feminine, and that is incredibly sexy. It also made her stand out from other girls just because she was doing something so unheard of.

The act of gift-giving should be used sparingly. As with other demonstrations of affection or appreciation, it is only powerful because it is rare. However, it is also uncommon enough to be missed in many instances when it would be useful. It is an extremely classy, mature and sexy way of telling a guy you are into him, and therefore does not lower a girl’s value by making her seem clingy, the way a random “I’m thinking of you” text would.

Finally, I think it is important that the gift be given casually, and should not be anything valuable. This adds subtlety, and helps maintain a girl’s value. If I were given expensive cologne, it would seem like she was trying too hard, but a bottle of wine is perfect.


  1. This is really true. Doing something really considerate before sex, be it giving a gift, cooking a meal, helping out with something, or whatever, is probably the best way for a girl to make a man attracted to her in particular, as a person rather than as a commodity.

    It's interesting how women respond somewhat differently to male generosity. Being generous with a girl you're relatively new to (beyond a certain fairly low level) tends to make her think "why me? He must be kind of needy to do that for a girl he hardly knows." Men, in our arrogance, tend to think "what a nice girl - good character. Really likes me in particular - she has good taste."
    It even improves men's opinions of women they aren't attracted to. I even remember the unfortunately ugly girl I hardly knew who baked me a birthday cake in high school. I wasn't interested in her at all, but her attraction for me did make me like her more, think more highly of her, and want to do what I could for her.

  2. Good to know... and interesting, never really thought about what guys thought of this? Question though... If you are IN a serious relationship, do these rules still apply?

    Using myself for ex... Me and my bf are into alot of the same things... so on birthdays, or days that things come out... I almost always get him the game... electronic or whatevs he wants... Ge usually takes me out to eat and to the movies because I love food and am a movie and game buff... Is what hes doing considered a gift to a guy? And am I doing too much by practically spoiling him with everything hes ever wanted?

    I dont care for messing with peoples heads... gift giving really isnt a big deal to me, I genuinely enjoy doing it, for my fam, friends, bf, his fam... But will a guy see it that way?

  3. I'm inclined to think you were already pretty into this girl to accept her gift in such a positive light. I can imagine if it were someone you were lukewarm about, or really not that into, you would call this stalker-ish, psycho behavior, along the lines of "ohmyGod this crazy girl is memorizing my wine preferences and dragged this bottle all around the mall for the entire day just to give it to me!"

  4. I think you are right; that was probably true in that instance. But as long as a guy is slighty into the girl, it would be a good thing, not creepy.

    (Also, she gave it to me as we met at the mall, before shopping - so there was no dragging it around.)

  5. I like this post, but I have to ask about your comment recommending infrequent displays of affection. Aren't women displaying their feminity (and therefore seeming more attractive) by demonstrating their nuturing, loving, affectionate side?

  6. Hey Andrew

    Funnily enough, I met up with someone in the past. Now I'm not use to routinely meeting up with men as I'm not looking for a relationship and too busy trying to build value in my own life before becoming open to the opposite sex.

    Anyway, I met up with someone for the first time, he brought me a couple of drinks and by the third time, I asked him if he wanted a drink - since I only thought it would be fair as he'd already brought me a couple.He looked surprised and said something about nobody doing that for him. Come to think of it, I met up with a man last year. He brought me a few drinks, but then I did the same thing for him and he also looked surprised.

    I don't have much dating experience, but that is through choice as genuinely not at the place in my life to be open to men. I wonder if a woman having this mentality would come off as positive or negative to the opposite sex.

    I plan to date in about two years from now. So, caring or silly? Is it a caring act to not want to leach off a man, or is it silly to not be more of a bitch and go into things with more of a sense of entitlement?