Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years

If you are interested in getting married, you need to be well aware of the fact that you are probably most attractive sometime in your mid- to late-twenties. This means that your mid- to late-twenties are the years in which you are most likely to attract the highest quality man you can get. And while I've written a fair amount about maximizing your attractiveness, it all counts for nothing if you aren't single when the right guy comes along, or if you aren't putting yourself out there because you are involved with someone who is only half-committed to you. So in addition to looking your best, you need to make sure you aren't spending time in dead-end relationships.

Time and time again I see or hear about girls who allow a guy to date them for three or four years in their twenties without proposing. This blows my mind. I understand that these girls are holding out in the hope of eventually getting a proposal, but they don't give enough consideration to the possibility that they'll be strung along for another two or three years, only to have him decide that he wants someone else - or worse yet, someone younger. Combine this with a girl's reduced odds of finding someone (let alone someone better) once she begins to age and things begin to fall into perspective; it seems crazy to consider dating someone for more than a year without a very strong confidence about the direction in which the relationship is heading.

If the same graph showed the value of a house you owned over time, there is no way in hell you'd be renting it out for long periods of time between 20 and 30 years, when it's value is highest. You would either leave it vacant during that time for prospective buyers, or at most, only agree to month-to-month leases so that it would be available to sell when a buyer came along with a good price. You'd also be actively advertising the property, because you'd want to take advantage of its high value. I'll let you draw the analogy.

Don't give a guy your most eligible years with nothing to show for it. This is bullshit. If you ultimately want to get married and your current relationship isn't constantly growing stronger (i.e. approaching something permanent), then you need to start asking questions. And if you aren't getting satisfactory answers, it is time to look elsewhere. The clock is ticking.

Furthermore, your time is your responsibility - not his. For better or worse, men will not make commitments that aren't required of them. If he isn't taking things to the next level when you think it is appropriate, break up with him. You can do this nicely, and you should explain your reasoning clearly, but you should still break up with him. More easily said than done? Probably. But it is the best move nonetheless. If he really wants you, he will try to get you back; but if he doesn't, remember: during your most eligible years, you are better off being back on the market than tied up in a dead-end relationship.

How To Improve Your Posture

In another post I wrote about the importance of posture to a woman's attractiveness. I suspect this is probably interesting to many women, but not helpful without some indication of how can it be improved - which is what I'd like to elaborate on in this post.

First, I think it is necessary to understand that poor, hunched or closed posture is a deeply subconscious attempt to introvert and close oneself. It is an effort to literally protect the vulnerable front of one's body - that is, the area where our vital organs (groin, gut and neck) are most exposed. Poor posture is a manifestation of insecurity, whether it be physical, social or emotional. The deeply entrenched nature of a person's posture makes it incredibly difficult - indeed, virtually impossible - to change by repeated acknowledgement and correction. I know people who have have been doing this for years, but their posture remains unaffected. I used to have poor posture myself, and for a while made similar "acknowledge-and-correct" efforts, but they were futile.

My posture now is very good. The change was not one I consciously forced, however. Instead, it followed naturally from an improvement in my self-image and confidence. This was a gradual process, but it was was marked by distinct points at which I recognized my value, and more importantly, my potential. This would happened when I saw some similarity between myself and someone I admired, or upon some concrete accomplishment that made me realize that I was capable of things I hadn't thought I could do (or do well) previously. Accomplishment breeds confidence, and accomplishment is the product of initiative and effort - both of which are controllable.

But my personal experience is not the only evidence for my point, by any means. Consider, too, the people you know who have the best and worst posture (aside from the elderly, who have less control over these things). Almost without fail, the ones that slouch are also insecure or very humble, and the ones that stand up straight do so in proportion to their confidence. The correlation is unmistakable.

So rather than straightening up when you recognize your poor posture, you would do better to acknowledge your strengths and excuse your weaknesses, at which point your posture will improve naturally. Far more importantly, if you want to stand up straight, you need to begin to do the kinds of things that will allow you to respect yourself. If you are too timid to carry on a conversation with a man, start practicing so that you grow more comfortable. If you hate the fact that you are overweight, start setting weight-loss goals for yourself and penalties if you fail to meet them. If you have been wallowing in the wake of a bad break-up, shake it off, get back on your feet and start dating again.

These things are not easy to do, but I've seen the effect they can have on a girl's life, and they are worth the effort. They also become easier the more you do them and recognize their benefits. Taking charge of the things that you've previously been unable to master is the best and possibly the only way to improve your self-image, and therefore your posture.

Who Pays On Dates?

When it comes to paying for dates, the rule is simple: always assume you are going to split the check, and offer to do so. If you wouldn't be willing to pay for your half of the date in order to spend time with a guy, then you shouldn't accept his invitation to go out in the first place. So the first part of keeping the financial side of dates simple is not accepting invitations from guys you aren't interested in.

In most cases, when you offer to pay for yourself, he will refuse. If he doesn't, remember that your assumption was that you were paying for yourself anyway. He is probably just as confused about whether or not he should insist on paying, as you are about whether or not you should offer. Some men think they will offend the woman by offering to pay (by suggesting that she couldn't). Others have probably heard advice saying that they shouldn't so that you won't think he is too interested in you.

When the check arrives or you approach the cashier, always reach for your money. This shouldn't be theatrics or an attempt to induce his offer to pick up the check. Remember, unless he tells you otherwise, assume that you are going to pay for your half and act accordingly. If you get your money out faster than he does or get to the cashier first, ask him "so do you want to just split it?" (i.e. divide it 50-50 rather than itemize). This way he knows you aren't trying to pay for the whole thing. Asking him "can I pay for my half?" before he offers to pay for your half sounds presumptuous because it implies that he was planning to pay for you, when he very well may not have been.

If he refuses your offer to pay for yourself, don't insist. This heightens the confusion for the guy (see above). It also isn't necessary. If he actually wants to split the check he will accept your offer the first time. If he refuses to let you pay, reply with a simple "are you sure?.... thank you" and leave it at that.

If you are short on money and can't afford to pay for yourself (e.g. for an expensive dinner), tell him this when he asks you out. Say something like "I'd really like to but I can't afford to [whatever the date is] right now. Could we go [somewhere else] instead?" (the key is suggesting an alternative). At this point he will probably clarify that he is picking up the check, so all you need to do is politely accept. If he doesn't offer, then you've just avoided an awkward situation in which the time to pay arrives and you don't have enough money to cover your part.

Never offer to pay for the whole date (i.e. pay for him and yourself) until you've been out several times, or received some kind of commitment from him. While it is a generous gesture, it could too easily be interpreted as an attempt to impress. If he sees that you want him badly, he will start to wonder in the back of his mind if he can do better. It might also come off as an assertion of your individuality, which will not impress him. This is something women like in men, not vice versa.

If he pays, make a point to say thank you. While failing to do so probably won't be the only factor in a guy's decision to ask you out again, it can definitely be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Don't fuck up your chances by omitting common courtesy.

In general, stop thinking about dates as formulaic "events" for which Hollywood has defined the normal course and etiquette. A date is nothing other than two people who are attracted to each other spending time together. Neither of you knows the other well enough to be sure that the investment of time and money will be worthwhile, so neither of you owes the other anything - let alone paying for the other.

Your Feedback

I have no shortage of ideas for new posts on this blog. However, I would like to make future posts as relevant and interesting as possible. I encourage you to send me questions or ideas for new topics.

I am also looking for feedback about the topics I have so far, the length of posts, suggestions about how to improve the look of the blog, and especially ideas about the layout and how to make it easier to navigate or search. Notification of typos or grammar mistakes would also be appreciated. Constructive criticism is more than welcome.

Please send your thoughts to my e-mail address: TheRulesRevisited@gmail.com.

Thanks,
Andrew

Your Age And Your Attractiveness

Notes:

1. These curves are based on observation and careful thought, not empirical data.
2. Internal attractiveness consists of personality, femininity, openness, etc.
3. External attractiveness consists of weight, natural looks, hair, clothes, etc.
4. Percentage of potential means the level a woman achieves relative to what she could achieve, taking into account uncontrollable limitations such as body shape (not to be confused with weight), facial structure, etc.
5. Combined attractiveness is a weighted average of internal and external attractiveness. 
• Internal attractiveness is weighted at 40 % importance.
• External attractiveness is weighted at 60 % importance.
6. Don't pay too much attention to the values on the vertical axis. What matter more here are the rough values on the horizontal axis, i.e. when the peaks or changes occur.
7. This is typical, not representative of all women. See this page for example variations.
8. Other sources have real studies that are interesting and tend to agree with this illustration.

While I think this plot can largely speak for itself, I do want to highlight and qualify a few things.

The graph is not meant to hone in on the exact age of peak attractiveness. Don't draw conclusions based on the peak (A) occurring at 32 rather than 29 or 33. Instead, draw conclusions based on the peak occurring at 32 rather than 22 or 26 (which are more typical assumptions). More importantly, consider that although physical attractiveness peaks at one point (C), internal attractiveness plateaus later (D). While the "late" (i.e. post-30) peak in overall attractiveness is likely to draw some criticism, I doubt that such criticism is honest, or considers a woman's internal attractiveness. Furthermore, a recent study seems to back up this conclusion.

I shaped the curves for internal and external attractiveness separately, without giving consideration to each's effect on the combined curve. When I plotted internal and external attractiveness combined, and saw the "lull" in the early twenties (A), I was a little surprised. But upon reflection, it made sense. The "lull" is the point where a girl looks beautiful but has yet to come into herself. She is hot but boring to spend time with. So many girls in their early twenties are this way. Their overall attractiveness stalls until they develops their personality throughout their twenties. Some women never make this internal development, as illustrated in one of the example variations, posted here.

Notice that the full potential for combined attractiveness is never reached, because the peak of internal and external attractiveness do not occur simultaneously. While this is not always the case, I think it is often so, because women tend to spend their effort on looks or personality at different times in their life.

Notice, too, how the decline in external attractiveness is ameliorated by the increase in internal attractiveness, flattening out the decline.

Read Next: American Women Are the Best

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Posture And Attractiveness

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

I've estimated previously that a woman's posture accounts for 3% of a woman's external attractiveness. And because posture is 100 % controllable, I concluded in the same analysis that it was worthy of 5 % of the time that a woman spends on her appearance. This might not sound like much, but that 5 % was second only to fitness, hair and makeup. In other words, once you take care of those three (obvious) things, you should be shifting your attention - not to your nails, breasts or even the color of your clothes, but to your posture.

Posture is important because it is a direct projection of your sense of self-worth. Looks are critical, even for long term relationships, but without personality and confidence you will not get past a first date or a purely sexual relationship. I plan to write a lot more soon about the importance of personality, and when I do I will make the point that a woman's sense of her own value is vital to her internal attractiveness. Posture is the subtle but primary mode by which that sense of value is conveyed, and men definitely notice - whether consciously or subconsciously. A woman with good posture exudes confidence, and confidence demands attention. Attention, in turn (the good kind at least) breeds attraction. In addition, being the external expression of an internal state of mind, posture is also a large contributor to external attractiveness.

I went to a bar last night, as I am apt to do on Wednesdays, and ran into a girl that I know and occasionally flirt with. She varies between a 7 and a 10 (depending on how she presents herself) - a very good looking girl, and in great shape too. She was sitting on a stool, hunched over - clearly tired and ready to head home. After chatting with her for a little while, her posture started to bother me, so I told her "you should sit up straight, you look a lot better that way," as I placed my hand on her back and shoulder to straighten her out. She laughed, agreed and sat up straight.

I had always known that a woman's posture makes a difference, but this was one of the clearest examples I have ever seen - suddenly she seemed alive. As she lifted her upper body, her back straightened and her chest pushed out, accenting her breasts and diminishing her previously scrunched-up waist; her neck straightened and appeared more slender; her hair fell more naturally over her shoulders and neck: her physical beauty radiated.

But these were merely the physical changes. In addition, her head was lifted - probably by about six inches - so that she became more present in the group, and her beauty was magnified by its sheer prominence (this is an argument in favor of female height that I have perhaps overlooked until now). She also seemed more confident, as if she could accept or reject any guy that approached her - and looking the way she did sitting up straight, she probably could have. Finally, she smiled. The effect of holding herself up triggered the emotions that normally cause her to hold herself that way, and she was visibly happier. A new energy seemed to come over her. While she was slouching she had seemed tired, maybe even ill; but now she appeared healthy, youthful, alert, engaged, exuberant.

But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me, because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed. The impression only lasted a moment, because her mood and attitude were not organic and ingrained; but it still concerned me afterwards - what if she had appeared that way when I first met her? And if she had maintained it, would I have ever been able to gain the upper hand? This is the power of posture.


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How To Look Good During Sex

It has often been said that women are turned on by what they feel, while men are turned on by what they see. There is a lot of truth to this. Of course it may not be so black-and-white; probably men are aroused by what they see only in proportion to how masculine they are, and women by what they feel in proportion to their femininity. But whatever the case, men are primarily aroused by what they see. While certain moves, positions or behaviors also play a role in arousing a man during sex, visual stimulation is the most important yet most frequently overlooked aspect of a woman's sexual performance. In addition to making yourself as attractive as possible by using non-bedroom techniques such as working out, doing your hair, etc. the following list of things should help to catch his eye. I've been careful not to list things that some guys like and others don't - this list should only be the things that apply to the vast majority of men.

1. Leave the lights on, at least enough so that he can see the form of your body, your hair, etc. Without light, nothing else on this list will be as effective. Dimmed is probably better than leaving them full-on, but darkness is not sexy at all to a man.

2. Arch your back. This is the single most potent bedroom posture a woman can assume. Most women do this naturally during heightened sexual pleasure, and he becomes more aroused by seeing you aroused. Do it regardless of being face down, face up, or on your side.

3. Point your feet down as if you were standing in high heels. I haven't figured out why this is sexy yet, but rest assured: it is. Do this when you are lying on your back with your feet in the air, crawling across the bed, or in any other situation in which your feet are free. Consider leaving your heels on during sex, as it assists and heightens effect.

4. Throw your head back. This is also done naturally during heightened sexual pleasure. Combine with #2 and #3. Also try turning your head to the side, as if the pleasure is too intense to look directly at him. In addition to demonstrating your pleasure, both of these actions slightly contort and accentuate the neck, one of the most delicate and feminine parts of a woman's body. Close your eyes or it will seem unnatural.

5. Wear matching underwear. This makes you more comparable to the supermodels he fantasizes about routinely, and generally looks a lot better on you (models do it for a reason). Simple colors and types of underwear are perfectly acceptable. Also, let him initiate the removal of your underwear. I am usually disappointed when a woman takes hers off too soon. It looks sexy and I don't get to see it very often, so I want to enjoy it for a minute before I rip it off.

6. Don't pull his upper body down towards you during missionary or similar positions (e.g. to make out or hold him while he penetrates you). This will prevent him from watching himself enter you, which is hugely erotic.

7. Put your arms above your head. This widens the upper portion of your body, accentuating the relatively small width of your waist and bringing out your curves. A small hip-to-waist ratio is extremely sexy to men, and by doing this you give yourself more of an hourglass shape. This is also an open posture - one which uncovers and "opens" the vulnerable front of your body, indicating your gift of yourself to him, and therefore your trust and love. This openness establishes a much deeper connection, which has all kinds of benefits, but is also sexual. The picture below (on top) illustrates the accentuation of the waist, while the photo below (on the bottom) shows a more natural instance of the posture. (Also see the right-most picture under #2.)

8. Make your movements slow, sexy and constant. The general idea is that you are slowly but continually moving in rhythm with and response to his sexual lead - in a sense, "flowing." The movement is something like squirming, but in a slower, more sensual (rather than uncomfortable) way. He will be turned on by watching you respond to the pleasure he is creating in you. The video linked in the postscript illustrates this best.

In some instances, the things above will feel strange and require a little acting on your part; but over time they will become your natural response to pleasure. In addition, it is likely to be self-fulfilling acting, since by doing so you will arouse him, and his resulting lust for you will ultimately arouse you more. If these things aren't natural for you, I suggest that you try to implement only one at a time, otherwise you will likely disengage from the sex itself by focusing too much about your body. It shouldn't be too forced.

Why Rejection Is A Good Thing

If you get dumped by a guy you like, remember that although this is probably due in part to men playing below their league, it is also the product of you being ambitious in your relationships: you are trying to get the best guy you can, and therefore you are dating guys that might dump you. In moderation, this ambition is a good thing. If you were constantly settling for guys of a low caliber, then of course you would have more success, but you wouldn't be content. 

While it is certainly worthwhile to consider whether or not your standards are realistic, you should also acknowledge how lazy or apathetic you would be to settle for someone below your potential. If you aren't getting dumped by guys, you could probably be doing better.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which says a lot more about the importance of rejection and how to use it to grow into the kind of girl guys really want to commit to.

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