Men are barraged by images of women in their underwear. We see them in movies, on billboards, in magazines, on the internet - all over the place. This means that we are extremely used to seeing women wearing
(a) expensive underwear, and
(b) matching bras and panties.
Furthermore, the women wearing all this nice, coordinated underwear are hotter than 80 % of the female population. While I honestly believe a lot of girls could actually get close to that top 20 % if they worked at it, in the meantime, you can do yourself a favor by not wearing mismatched bras and panties. Your failure to do so only highlights the differences between you and the lingerie models that have long ago pegged our standards for female beauty. And this is one difference that takes very little effort to correct, but makes a pretty big difference. You can make all kinds of excuses about not having the money to afford nice stuff, but there is no excuse for not wearing a matching set. You can get that shit at Walmart.
And one more rant: I get it that girls throw on the matching or nice stuff when they know they are going to have sex. Great. Appreciated. However, it is infinitely more impressive to have spontaneous sex with your girl and find her wearing matching (or nice) underwear, because it is all the more rare. It says she pays attention to detail and is classy.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
"Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"
When you are evaluating what things or changes in your life have ostensibly made you more successful with or more attractive to men, make sure you consider them in light of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of." The difference is not very subtle, but women (and men) miss its significance constantly. Let me illustrate with a simple example:
A girl cuts her hair short, and soon after, gets attention from men. She concludes that she gets attention from men because of her short hair, when the reality is that she gets attention from men in spite of her short hair. Her shorter hair is not causing her to get more attention; it just isn't unattractive enough to turn off the men that still approached her.
Another example: a girl gets a new dress and wears it out, and gets attention from a man. She thinks "This new dress really works," concluding that he gave her attention because of her new dress, when really she was just cute enough for him to hit on even though he wasn't a huge fan of her dress - that is, he hit on her in spite of the dress.
I think one of the reasons the confusion occurs is that we (men and women) are always eager to have found one thing or another that makes a significant difference in our attractiveness, and this wishful thinking helps us ignore the distinction I've just described. However, this is not the only reason we ignore it. Men make the mistake often when they evaluate women. If I point out a girl and say "That girl's hair looks bad," one of my male friends will often respond with something like "What? No way man, I think she's hot." But when I point out that she is hot only in spite of her short hair, not because of it, the guy making the comment will usually take a second look, reflect and then agree with me. So even when our own ego is not involved, we (as humans) still make this mistake. I think the most important reason for its occurrence is that there are so many factors contributing to attractiveness that they cannot all be easily considered in isolation.
Try these suggestions instead of relying on your perceived results:
Be especially careful of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of" when you receive attention from men you have not met before, because they have no point of reference for your attractiveness (i.e. when you wore a better dress or had longer hair).
I am not suggesting that you reject the attention you get in these cases; I am merely warning you against jumping to the conclusion that new-found attention occurs because of a change you made recently, when in fact it only happens in spite of that change.
A girl cuts her hair short, and soon after, gets attention from men. She concludes that she gets attention from men because of her short hair, when the reality is that she gets attention from men in spite of her short hair. Her shorter hair is not causing her to get more attention; it just isn't unattractive enough to turn off the men that still approached her.
Another example: a girl gets a new dress and wears it out, and gets attention from a man. She thinks "This new dress really works," concluding that he gave her attention because of her new dress, when really she was just cute enough for him to hit on even though he wasn't a huge fan of her dress - that is, he hit on her in spite of the dress.
I think one of the reasons the confusion occurs is that we (men and women) are always eager to have found one thing or another that makes a significant difference in our attractiveness, and this wishful thinking helps us ignore the distinction I've just described. However, this is not the only reason we ignore it. Men make the mistake often when they evaluate women. If I point out a girl and say "That girl's hair looks bad," one of my male friends will often respond with something like "What? No way man, I think she's hot." But when I point out that she is hot only in spite of her short hair, not because of it, the guy making the comment will usually take a second look, reflect and then agree with me. So even when our own ego is not involved, we (as humans) still make this mistake. I think the most important reason for its occurrence is that there are so many factors contributing to attractiveness that they cannot all be easily considered in isolation.
- When you are experienced enough with fashion, make your own decisions about what makes you more or less attractive.
- Get your male friends' opinions, but make sure you call their attention to the specific change (Try "How does this shirt look on me? Would it look better if it were tighter?" not just "How do I look?"). Make sure it is a male friend that does not like you, because most men that like you will tell you what they think you want to hear.
- When it comes to clothes, remember that almost every store has a return policy. Buy it, try it on a few times, and return it later if your (male) friends don' like it.
- Do not solicit or consider opinions from your female friends, your relatives or your gay friends. All of these are strongly colored either by their inability to view you in a sexual light, or their desire to avoid offending you.
- Ignore your hair dresser's opinion or (for clothes) the salesperson's opinion. Both have too strong an interest in your acceptance of their suggestions. It does not matter how friendly they are. In fact, you would be wise to trust them less when they are friendly.
Be especially careful of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of" when you receive attention from men you have not met before, because they have no point of reference for your attractiveness (i.e. when you wore a better dress or had longer hair).
I am not suggesting that you reject the attention you get in these cases; I am merely warning you against jumping to the conclusion that new-found attention occurs because of a change you made recently, when in fact it only happens in spite of that change.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable
Advice abounds for women looking to score a guy, and some sources actually have solid suggestions. But while these sources tell women all kinds of strategies for being approachable or meeting new people, none of them address the most important matter: appearance. A number of the articles I've read have promising titles or sub-titles, but they qualify the initial admonition to "look good" with so many caveats and clarifications that by the end they've essentially told the reader to "be herself" - which is nothing more than a waste of her time.
The topic is avoided because women do not realize how controllable their appearance is. This is understandable, because if female beauty were not controllable, telling a woman she could attract more men if she would just improve her looks would be no more useful than suggesting a paraplegic man "just" learn how to dunk a basketball to impress women. On top of providing no worthwhile advice, it would serve as a painful reminder of her inadequacies. However, the notion that a woman's attractiveness is anything less than highly controllable is patently false.
Time and time again, I see the same thing: the women who aren't getting attention from men fall almost entirely into two categories:
To drive this point home, I spent entirely too much time identifying the various components of feminine beauty and quantifying the importance of each one. The result of this effort is shown in the table below. (By clicking on the table or pie charts you can enlarge them.)
Notes about how I generated the numbers in the table can be found here.
This is what you should spend your time on (Attention Deserved):
Now, even though I have gone to rigorous ends to elicit these ratings from the recesses of my mind, obviously they are still relative to my personal taste. That being said, while men will all disagree over the minutiae of female beauty, few will disagree with the important aspects. This post should give you a solid idea of what matters to most guys, and how much.
While the numbers speak for themselves, I want to highlight one main point: notice how controllable the most important aspects of female beauty are. To wit:
One final pie chart to summarize these three points:
Far too many women fail to recognize the leverage they have over their own appearance. This leverage translates directly into control over the ability to attract men.
For photos of women improving their appearance, check out this post.
The topic is avoided because women do not realize how controllable their appearance is. This is understandable, because if female beauty were not controllable, telling a woman she could attract more men if she would just improve her looks would be no more useful than suggesting a paraplegic man "just" learn how to dunk a basketball to impress women. On top of providing no worthwhile advice, it would serve as a painful reminder of her inadequacies. However, the notion that a woman's attractiveness is anything less than highly controllable is patently false.
Time and time again, I see the same thing: the women who aren't getting attention from men fall almost entirely into two categories:
- Women that are unfit
- Women that do not present themselves well
To drive this point home, I spent entirely too much time identifying the various components of feminine beauty and quantifying the importance of each one. The result of this effort is shown in the table below. (By clicking on the table or pie charts you can enlarge them.)
Notes about how I generated the numbers in the table can be found here.
- The 'Importance' percentages simply indicate how much each aspect listed matters to a woman's overall appearance. They collectively add up to 100 %, so they can be literally interpreted as a percentage of overall beauty.
- The 'Controllability' rankings indicate the amount of control a woman has over the various aspects of her appearance. 0 % represents completely uncontrollable aspects of beauty, while 100 % represents those that are completely controllable. Some items in the table are 0 % controllable to most people, but 100 % controllable to others (for example, breast size and facial structure are both alterable in extreme cases by plastic surgery). The controllability ratings for these items are a guess at the average between those extremes, based on the frequency of occurrence. Or, for example, even though a girl can't change her bone structure, 'height' is rated at a nominal 8 % because there is a small amount of controllability with the size of heels a girl chooses to wear.
- The 'Attention Deserved' is an index that is calculated by multiplying the Importance by the Controllability, and dividing the product by the collective sum of these products. This can be reasonably interpreted as the percentage of the total time spent on her appearance a girl should devote to each item in need of attention. So a girl that is overweight would be justified in spending 72 % of her time (that is, the time that she invests in her appearance) only on losing weight; or a girl whose clothes don't usually complement her complexion would be smart to spend 8 % of the time she invests in her appearance on shopping for clothes that work well with her look (or on earning extra money for that specific purpose). Obviously, no one is going to count the minutes or hours. The point, though, is that some things are worth spending more time on than others. Don't waste your time worrying about your eyelashes (1 %) when you are overweight (42 %) - go to the gym.
I've also put the data into a few pie charts. This is what you should care about (Importance Rating):
 |
| Components of Feminine Beauty by Importance Rating |
This is what you should spend your time on (Attention Deserved):
 |
| Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved |
Now, even though I have gone to rigorous ends to elicit these ratings from the recesses of my mind, obviously they are still relative to my personal taste. That being said, while men will all disagree over the minutiae of female beauty, few will disagree with the important aspects. This post should give you a solid idea of what matters to most guys, and how much.
While the numbers speak for themselves, I want to highlight one main point: notice how controllable the most important aspects of female beauty are. To wit:
- 18 % of feminine beauty is more than 100 % controllable. This means that if a girl is not opting to do these things, she is missing out on 1.8 points out of ten due to ignorance or a personal decision. Included in this 18 % are simple things like wearing heels and jewelry or removing excess body hair.
- 63 % of feminine beauty is more than 80 % controllable. This is the driving point behind this "analysis," expressed numerically. If you take nothing else away from this post, remember this. It means that you are in control of your appearance far more than you think. It means that the time and effort you put into your appearance will produce results. Do not worry if your gut tells you otherwise; your gut is informed by beauty pageants and "100 Hottest Women" lists, and a thousand other influences that both reinforce and reflect the notion that beauty is a matter of winning the genetic gene pool - i.e. a matter of 'haves' vs. 'have-nots.' This notion is bullshit. That 63 % of beauty is at least 80 % controllable means that no girl needs to be less than a five on the ten scale (0.80 x 63 % = 5.0). If you present yourself well and get in great shape, you will be above average. And for those of you that are naturally about average, the sky's your limit.
- Only 32 % of feminine beauty is less than 30 % controllable. In other words, there is very little about your appearance that cannot be improved.
One final pie chart to summarize these three points:
Far too many women fail to recognize the leverage they have over their own appearance. This leverage translates directly into control over the ability to attract men.
For photos of women improving their appearance, check out this post.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Why You Don't Have A Boyfriend
If you want to ignore this blog for the rest of your life, you can probably get everything you need from this post on Freedom Twenty Five:
http://www.freedomtwentyfive.com/?p=824
Consise, accurate and well thought out.
http://www.freedomtwentyfive.com/?p=824
Consise, accurate and well thought out.
I Can't Believe I Forgot This One...
So I was out tonight and not too long after I arrived at the bar, I stepped away from my friend to approach three girls standing nearby - or more accurately, I approached one cute girl who was with two unattractive friends. The friends were probably in the three to four range and the one I was interested in was somewhere near an eight. I didn't take this disparity into account when I approached, and paid too much attention to the one who was attractive, causing the other two to get jealous and cock block me, as described in number two in the previous post. Clearly I was just another guy hitting on their hot friend, like every other time they go out together. They didn't like this so they cut me out of the conversation by turning their friend away from me and talking to her over what I was trying to say, ignoring me. This pissed me off to no end, since it was clearly against the cute girl's will, but I can tell when it's a case of "friends first," so I sucked up my pride and went back to my friend.
Anyway, the incident made me realize that I'd forgotten one of the most important things girls need to do to make themselves approachable, which is:
12. Don't hang out with girls that are significantly hotter than you
Obviously every guy has different taste, so you can be liberal in deciding whether or not they are "hotter than you," but there are some obvious combinations to avoid - like hanging out with an eight when you are a three or four. The rule can also be extended to choosing a place to go out: don't go to places where everyone is hot if you are decidedly not in that league. It would be like a short dude hanging out in a bar full of guys over 6'4". But if you are standing next to a friend that is more than three points hotter than you, don't expect to get hit on by anyone other than a wing man.
Anyway, the incident made me realize that I'd forgotten one of the most important things girls need to do to make themselves approachable, which is:
12. Don't hang out with girls that are significantly hotter than you
Obviously every guy has different taste, so you can be liberal in deciding whether or not they are "hotter than you," but there are some obvious combinations to avoid - like hanging out with an eight when you are a three or four. The rule can also be extended to choosing a place to go out: don't go to places where everyone is hot if you are decidedly not in that league. It would be like a short dude hanging out in a bar full of guys over 6'4". But if you are standing next to a friend that is more than three points hotter than you, don't expect to get hit on by anyone other than a wing man.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
How to Make Yourself Approachable
As I have indicated in other posts, there are three aspects or stages of female game:
Most of these pointers are negative in nature, in other words, things you should not do. This is not a coincidence or due to the omission of the positive suggestions. It is because the nature of a woman's game (when it comes to approaching) is inherently more passive. A woman makes herself approachable by removing as many deterrents as possible.
While the best of these tips are designed to remove obstacles that make it near-impossible for a guy to approach, there are others that essentially "make it easy" for a guy. While including these goes against the spirit of other advice I've posted here, I acknowledge that the need for filtering out men with purely sexual intentions - while important to some girls - applies in proportion to the amount of attention from men a woman is getting. If you don't have that problem, the "make it easy" tips might help as much as the "make it possible" tips - but use the former wisely.
1. Don't Go Out With Men
Women surrounded by men never get approached, and in the rare event that they do, the men will usually make it difficult or impossible for the approaching male. Having men around you, regardless of their relationship with you or even their sexuality, is the single biggest game killer.
2. Don't Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls
Split up into smaller groups, ideally groups of two or three. This gives men an opportunity to meet you without having the burden of entertaining the whole group, or at least saves them the difficulty of extracting you from it. Your jealous girlfriends are experts at making this hard for him. If you are with girls that are prone to doing this, tell them ahead of time not to pull you away if you are approached.
3. Have Open Body Language
If you and your girlfriends want to meet guys, don't huddle or sit down, or turn your backs on the action. Stand side by side, or at an obtuse angle to one another. This demonstrates that you are open to conversation. If you have a drink, hold it down, away from your chest. A drink clutched up against your body comes across defensive and unwelcoming. Try it out with your friend when you are standing next to her; as you pull your drinks down and away you will feel much more open and relaxed. Men actually do notice this, though it is subconscious. It might take some getting used to but it will pay off.
4. Don't Worry About Smiling At Him
I swear all girls must have be told at some point "if a guy you like looks at you, make sure you smile." I cannot count the number of times I have made eye contact with a girl and had her respond with what is clearly a forced and awkward smile. So here's the advice: if it doesn't come naturally, don't do it. A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are nervous or awkward. While a smile might encourage a guy that needs some reassurance, I guarantee that it will not make or break his decision if it isn't natural. Forced smiles are very easy to recognize, even for men. Prolonged eye contact alone should suffice (see below).
5. Make Eye Contact
This is the single most effective way of inviting a man to hit on you. Make eye contact and hold it. While this is actually a form of initiating the interaction, which I wouldn't normally suggest, it still leaves the ball mostly in his court. Give up and move on if he doesn't approach after ten seconds of collective eye contact (this could be 2 seconds in 5 different instances, for example). If he hasn't approached after that much of an invitation, he either isn't actually interested or doesn't have the balls - probably the latter if the eye contact was really ten seconds. Avoid "eye-fucking" guys, since this is too forward and definitely falls into the category of initiating.
6. Get Close
If a guy wants to hit on you, getting close enough to make it happen is usually just a matter of taking a few strides in your direction. However, in some circumstances it can be a little more difficult for him, and then it makes sense for you to get closer. For example, if he is with a group of friends it might be hard for him to get everyone to move to your area. Even if he doesn't have such hurdles, it never hurts to move closer; just avoid making it too obvious by hovering awkwardly or staying too long (I suggest staying only a few minutes, though this depends somewhat on the circumstances).
7. Don't Stay on The Dance Floor All Night
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You might feel more comfortable or have more fun dancing rather than standing around waiting for guys to talk to you, but when you are on the dance floor you are basically off limits - except to drunken, groping men. If you are a good dancer, it definitely doesn't hurt to be seen dancing. It also shows that you are fun and feminine. But while it might get you noticed or earn you some points with potential suitors, it will ultimately prevent them from approaching if you stay out there too long.
8. Have A Drink
While no one likes a sloppy drunk girl, having one or two drinks will calm your nerves, help you flirt, open your body language, and generally make you more approachable. It also demonstrates that you are easy-going and like to have fun. Just avoid getting drunk, which is unattractive.
9. Avoid Loud Places
Don't hang out in front of the speakers or at bars/clubs where you know they will have extremely loud music. I almost never approach girls in areas that would require me to shout or lean in to talk in her ear. Outdoor places are usually good in this respect.
10. Choose Your Location Wisely
Stand somewhere where men are coming and going to, other than the bathroom. Usually the best place for this is the bar, but sometimes it can be too crowded, in which case I would suggest standing towards the back of the crowd. Don't stand in a corner or away from the action, as you might not be seen. Balconies are always good because they give a man the chance to walk up beside you and comment on whatever you are overlooking. Make sure there is at least one open direction (in front of or beside you) from which he can approach.
11. Don't Leave Too Early
I've seen girls that I wanted to talk to leave the bar or club before I had the opportunity to meet them. Also, a lot of men need a couple drinks before they feel comfortable approaching girls. Assuming you don't mind being approached by a guy that needs a little help from the bottle, you need to be around when they reach that point.
12. One of the most important points, which I added later. Read it here.
If you get disheartened because men are not approaching you, or if you have an initial interaction with a guy you like and then he leaves or doesn't take your number - tough luck. This is part of female game, just like approaching, being rejected and humiliated is part of a man's. When a guy gets rejected, he doesn't blame the girl; he blames himself. When I get turned down, I know that if I had been more confident or smarter, or otherwise a man of higher value, she would have been attracted to me. I make it my goal to always improve, so that next time I will walk away with her number. The same should go for you: when a guy walks away without your contact information, suck it up, figure out other ways to make yourself more attractive or personable (the other posts in this blog should help), then get back out there.
- Making yourself as attractive as possible
- Making yourself approachable
- Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you
Most of these pointers are negative in nature, in other words, things you should not do. This is not a coincidence or due to the omission of the positive suggestions. It is because the nature of a woman's game (when it comes to approaching) is inherently more passive. A woman makes herself approachable by removing as many deterrents as possible.
While the best of these tips are designed to remove obstacles that make it near-impossible for a guy to approach, there are others that essentially "make it easy" for a guy. While including these goes against the spirit of other advice I've posted here, I acknowledge that the need for filtering out men with purely sexual intentions - while important to some girls - applies in proportion to the amount of attention from men a woman is getting. If you don't have that problem, the "make it easy" tips might help as much as the "make it possible" tips - but use the former wisely.
1. Don't Go Out With Men
Women surrounded by men never get approached, and in the rare event that they do, the men will usually make it difficult or impossible for the approaching male. Having men around you, regardless of their relationship with you or even their sexuality, is the single biggest game killer.
2. Don't Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls
Split up into smaller groups, ideally groups of two or three. This gives men an opportunity to meet you without having the burden of entertaining the whole group, or at least saves them the difficulty of extracting you from it. Your jealous girlfriends are experts at making this hard for him. If you are with girls that are prone to doing this, tell them ahead of time not to pull you away if you are approached.
3. Have Open Body Language
If you and your girlfriends want to meet guys, don't huddle or sit down, or turn your backs on the action. Stand side by side, or at an obtuse angle to one another. This demonstrates that you are open to conversation. If you have a drink, hold it down, away from your chest. A drink clutched up against your body comes across defensive and unwelcoming. Try it out with your friend when you are standing next to her; as you pull your drinks down and away you will feel much more open and relaxed. Men actually do notice this, though it is subconscious. It might take some getting used to but it will pay off.
4. Don't Worry About Smiling At Him
I swear all girls must have be told at some point "if a guy you like looks at you, make sure you smile." I cannot count the number of times I have made eye contact with a girl and had her respond with what is clearly a forced and awkward smile. So here's the advice: if it doesn't come naturally, don't do it. A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are nervous or awkward. While a smile might encourage a guy that needs some reassurance, I guarantee that it will not make or break his decision if it isn't natural. Forced smiles are very easy to recognize, even for men. Prolonged eye contact alone should suffice (see below).
5. Make Eye Contact
This is the single most effective way of inviting a man to hit on you. Make eye contact and hold it. While this is actually a form of initiating the interaction, which I wouldn't normally suggest, it still leaves the ball mostly in his court. Give up and move on if he doesn't approach after ten seconds of collective eye contact (this could be 2 seconds in 5 different instances, for example). If he hasn't approached after that much of an invitation, he either isn't actually interested or doesn't have the balls - probably the latter if the eye contact was really ten seconds. Avoid "eye-fucking" guys, since this is too forward and definitely falls into the category of initiating.
6. Get Close
If a guy wants to hit on you, getting close enough to make it happen is usually just a matter of taking a few strides in your direction. However, in some circumstances it can be a little more difficult for him, and then it makes sense for you to get closer. For example, if he is with a group of friends it might be hard for him to get everyone to move to your area. Even if he doesn't have such hurdles, it never hurts to move closer; just avoid making it too obvious by hovering awkwardly or staying too long (I suggest staying only a few minutes, though this depends somewhat on the circumstances).
7. Don't Stay on The Dance Floor All Night
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You might feel more comfortable or have more fun dancing rather than standing around waiting for guys to talk to you, but when you are on the dance floor you are basically off limits - except to drunken, groping men. If you are a good dancer, it definitely doesn't hurt to be seen dancing. It also shows that you are fun and feminine. But while it might get you noticed or earn you some points with potential suitors, it will ultimately prevent them from approaching if you stay out there too long.
8. Have A Drink
While no one likes a sloppy drunk girl, having one or two drinks will calm your nerves, help you flirt, open your body language, and generally make you more approachable. It also demonstrates that you are easy-going and like to have fun. Just avoid getting drunk, which is unattractive.
9. Avoid Loud Places
Don't hang out in front of the speakers or at bars/clubs where you know they will have extremely loud music. I almost never approach girls in areas that would require me to shout or lean in to talk in her ear. Outdoor places are usually good in this respect.
10. Choose Your Location Wisely
Stand somewhere where men are coming and going to, other than the bathroom. Usually the best place for this is the bar, but sometimes it can be too crowded, in which case I would suggest standing towards the back of the crowd. Don't stand in a corner or away from the action, as you might not be seen. Balconies are always good because they give a man the chance to walk up beside you and comment on whatever you are overlooking. Make sure there is at least one open direction (in front of or beside you) from which he can approach.
11. Don't Leave Too Early
I've seen girls that I wanted to talk to leave the bar or club before I had the opportunity to meet them. Also, a lot of men need a couple drinks before they feel comfortable approaching girls. Assuming you don't mind being approached by a guy that needs a little help from the bottle, you need to be around when they reach that point.
12. One of the most important points, which I added later. Read it here.
If you get disheartened because men are not approaching you, or if you have an initial interaction with a guy you like and then he leaves or doesn't take your number - tough luck. This is part of female game, just like approaching, being rejected and humiliated is part of a man's. When a guy gets rejected, he doesn't blame the girl; he blames himself. When I get turned down, I know that if I had been more confident or smarter, or otherwise a man of higher value, she would have been attracted to me. I make it my goal to always improve, so that next time I will walk away with her number. The same should go for you: when a guy walks away without your contact information, suck it up, figure out other ways to make yourself more attractive or personable (the other posts in this blog should help), then get back out there.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
"The Wrong Kind of Attention"
I grew up surrounded by families that warned their daughters against wearing clothes that attracted “the wrong kind of attention.” When I was young I accepted this at face value, and understood (rightly) that these parents were trying to protect their daughters against men only interested in getting laid. It made sense to me (and still does) that the way a woman presented herself directly affected the way she was perceived - and most women didn't want just sex.
After I left home, I realized that this wasn't just a phrase used by the people around me; it was widespread. Even now, sometimes I will ask girls why they don't wear tighter clothes, or large earrings, or heels, and while they will usually make some excuse about comfort, they almost always follow it up with "and anyway, that would just attract the wrong kind of attention" - the same phrase, almost verbatim*. In any case, as I've progressed through my twenties and have gradually come to understand what it is that attracts me to a woman, I've come to realize that the notion of "the wrong kind of attention" is bullshit, for two reasons.
1. It assumes that a woman's clothing is responsible for others' perception of her sexual mores.
While there is a small grain of truth to this, it resides only in the most extreme cases (think: cheap hookers). The kind of women that would actually need to be reminded about attracting the wrong kind of attention are not the ones concerned with avoiding it. Conversely, the women actually getting warned about attracting purely sexual attention are almost always those who are in no danger of it. While this is sometimes because the girl wanting to avoid sexual attention has not been taught how to make herself sexually attractive to men, it is more frequently function of the fact that adornment and presentation are low on the list of factors indicating a girl's promiscuity. Her behavior is what matters, and girls that don't want casual sex don't usually act like whores. Here is a list of things that actually do attract the wrong kind of attention:
Think of female sex appeal as the equivalent of male confidence: while arrogance (the excess) is a turn off, a healthy dose of confidence is not only acceptable, but necessary. Men who err on the cocky side get a shot with way more genuinely good girls than the men who humble themselves and demur.
2. It ignores the fact that men looking for easy sex and men looking for something more than sex are both equally attracted by appearance.
Those warning young girls to dress conservatively ignore the fact that by doing so, a girl not only avoids attention from "bad" men, but simultaneously destroys her chances with "good" men. The good men value appearance just a much as bad men; they simply have requirements above and beyond it. If all good girls were to dress conservatively, good men might eventually lower their requirements for physical attractiveness and presentation (though this is doubtful - I would put my money on them giving up getting a good girl). But as I mentioned above, this is not the case; all good girls do not dress conservatively. There are plenty of women who are conservative in their behavior, yet still dress to maximize their physical attractiveness; and these are the women that will be getting all of the attention from the good men.
When I have daughters I will raise them to respect themselves and behave in such a way that their self-respect is evident to the men around them. I will have their mother teach them how to dress so that they look both sexy and classy, and then I will finish their instruction by telling them how to filter out men who are only interested in impregnating them and giving them STDs. I will not tell them to dress like their grandmother (or probably even their mother - fashions change quickly) because this will leave them without options, and probably make them social outcasts.
After I left home, I realized that this wasn't just a phrase used by the people around me; it was widespread. Even now, sometimes I will ask girls why they don't wear tighter clothes, or large earrings, or heels, and while they will usually make some excuse about comfort, they almost always follow it up with "and anyway, that would just attract the wrong kind of attention" - the same phrase, almost verbatim*. In any case, as I've progressed through my twenties and have gradually come to understand what it is that attracts me to a woman, I've come to realize that the notion of "the wrong kind of attention" is bullshit, for two reasons.
1. It assumes that a woman's clothing is responsible for others' perception of her sexual mores.
While there is a small grain of truth to this, it resides only in the most extreme cases (think: cheap hookers). The kind of women that would actually need to be reminded about attracting the wrong kind of attention are not the ones concerned with avoiding it. Conversely, the women actually getting warned about attracting purely sexual attention are almost always those who are in no danger of it. While this is sometimes because the girl wanting to avoid sexual attention has not been taught how to make herself sexually attractive to men, it is more frequently function of the fact that adornment and presentation are low on the list of factors indicating a girl's promiscuity. Her behavior is what matters, and girls that don't want casual sex don't usually act like whores. Here is a list of things that actually do attract the wrong kind of attention:
- Going to bars and clubs known for casual hookups
- Initiating contact with men
- Fucking on the first date
- Sleeping around (reputation)
- Drinking too much
- Swearing, being vulgar, etc.
- Dressing like a cheap hooker (Note: expensive hookers dress well and should be emulated)
Think of female sex appeal as the equivalent of male confidence: while arrogance (the excess) is a turn off, a healthy dose of confidence is not only acceptable, but necessary. Men who err on the cocky side get a shot with way more genuinely good girls than the men who humble themselves and demur.
2. It ignores the fact that men looking for easy sex and men looking for something more than sex are both equally attracted by appearance.
Those warning young girls to dress conservatively ignore the fact that by doing so, a girl not only avoids attention from "bad" men, but simultaneously destroys her chances with "good" men. The good men value appearance just a much as bad men; they simply have requirements above and beyond it. If all good girls were to dress conservatively, good men might eventually lower their requirements for physical attractiveness and presentation (though this is doubtful - I would put my money on them giving up getting a good girl). But as I mentioned above, this is not the case; all good girls do not dress conservatively. There are plenty of women who are conservative in their behavior, yet still dress to maximize their physical attractiveness; and these are the women that will be getting all of the attention from the good men.
When I have daughters I will raise them to respect themselves and behave in such a way that their self-respect is evident to the men around them. I will have their mother teach them how to dress so that they look both sexy and classy, and then I will finish their instruction by telling them how to filter out men who are only interested in impregnating them and giving them STDs. I will not tell them to dress like their grandmother (or probably even their mother - fashions change quickly) because this will leave them without options, and probably make them social outcasts.
* This is interesting, because this kind of viral popularity is frequently a feature of phrases that carry more emotional or psychological value than any compelling rational content. The mantras of nationalists (“Strength Through Joy”) or the rallying cries of political parties come to mind (“Country First” or “The Change We Need”). I am not surprised that this bears the same symptom.
Related Posts
1. Sexy Versus Cute
2. How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"
3. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
4. There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans
Related Posts
1. Sexy Versus Cute
2. How to Get "The Right Kind of Attention"
3. The Most Important Time to Dress Well
4. There Is Nothing Modest About Loose Jeans
Friday, September 9, 2011
Don't Initiate Contact
I wrote a similar post about not initiating contact after a guy breaks up with you. This is somewhat related, but deals instead with the beginning of a relationship. The underlying principles, however, are the same...
Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.
This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)
If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.
A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:
As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.
A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.
I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.
Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.
-------------------------------------
If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.
Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.
This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)
If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.
A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:
- Making herself as attractive as possible
- Making herself approachable
- Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with her from the men that want to date her
As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.
A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.
I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.
Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.
-------------------------------------
If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.
Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
Monday, September 5, 2011
The Male Sex Drive Always Recharges
The male sex drive is 100% rechargeable. No matter how man times he fucks, or fucks the same girl, or masturbates, a man cannot deplete his capacity for sexual arousal, at least in the short term. While a man can, through excessive sexual activity or boredom, increase the amount of time required for his arousal to peak again after being satisfied, it will always return to its previous levels. For example, a full day of constant sex will wear most men out, and it might be another day before they want to fuck again. Might. But this kind of delay is not permanent. Before long a guy will be hornier than ever. And while a man might grow tired or accustomed to his spouse, he can only go so long before he wants to fuck her again. In many ways, sexual appetite is like hunger for food and drink: it can be stayed but not destroyed, and it always eventually comes back, regardless of how many times it is satiated. Imagine sex like a food that you initially love but overindulge and eventually tire of. It is true that you will be less inclined to eat it, but before long hunger will make you want to eat anything, and its attractiveness will supersede your desire for novelty.
Even in the long term, I am skeptical that the male sex drive wanes much (and if does, it is age- or health-related, not a product of over-activity). I have met too many horny old men to believe that after middle age, a man's desire to impregnate females is diminished in any significant way. I am almost entirely sure that this idea was conjured up because the thought of grandpa eye-fucking his granddaughter's friends was too unsettling to be stomached by the general public.
A man can significantly reduce his sex drive by abstaining from sexual activity for about three weeks. I know this because I have done the infamous "thirty-day challenge" twice now, and have experienced it first hand. There is also a good deal of empirical evidence that suggests twenty-one days as the time it takes for the human brain to adjust to just about any routine (i.e. to make or break a habit). Much like the appetite for food in a person who fasts for a long time, a man's sexual appetite will shift into starvation mode after being continually denied. Although his initial desire for an orgasm will not fade much, he will be abnormally disinterested in sex once it is satisfied the first time after the three-week abstinence. This reduced libido will last until he slowly gets back into the swing of things by having orgasms more and more frequently. But even in an extreme case like this, the rebound does eventually occur, and before too long the man in question will be back wanting to fuck everything and anything.
So if your husband or long-term boyfriend gradually stops wanting to have sex with you, it does not mean he isn't horny any more or that his sex drive is starting to diminish; it means he is getting off in some other manner. Probably he is just masturbating to pornography, but the amount of self-discipline it would take for him to abstain from sexual pleasure altogether is just too great for it to be even a remote possibility without some hugely powerful force motivating him - like pride, intense shame or extreme religious conviction.
The plus side, which is the point I want to make here, is that all you need to do to keep your man sexually interested in you is to remain his one and only outlet for sexual activity; the sheer power of his sex drive and its persistent regenerative qualities will make him always want to fuck you, even if (eventually) the frequently slows slightly. How you remain his "sole source" is the topic for another post. Right now I just want to make the point that as long as you hold that role, you do not need to worry about his sex drive slowly tapering off any more than you need to worry about his hunger for food gradually disappearing. These things simply do not happen.
Even in the long term, I am skeptical that the male sex drive wanes much (and if does, it is age- or health-related, not a product of over-activity). I have met too many horny old men to believe that after middle age, a man's desire to impregnate females is diminished in any significant way. I am almost entirely sure that this idea was conjured up because the thought of grandpa eye-fucking his granddaughter's friends was too unsettling to be stomached by the general public.
A man can significantly reduce his sex drive by abstaining from sexual activity for about three weeks. I know this because I have done the infamous "thirty-day challenge" twice now, and have experienced it first hand. There is also a good deal of empirical evidence that suggests twenty-one days as the time it takes for the human brain to adjust to just about any routine (i.e. to make or break a habit). Much like the appetite for food in a person who fasts for a long time, a man's sexual appetite will shift into starvation mode after being continually denied. Although his initial desire for an orgasm will not fade much, he will be abnormally disinterested in sex once it is satisfied the first time after the three-week abstinence. This reduced libido will last until he slowly gets back into the swing of things by having orgasms more and more frequently. But even in an extreme case like this, the rebound does eventually occur, and before too long the man in question will be back wanting to fuck everything and anything.
So if your husband or long-term boyfriend gradually stops wanting to have sex with you, it does not mean he isn't horny any more or that his sex drive is starting to diminish; it means he is getting off in some other manner. Probably he is just masturbating to pornography, but the amount of self-discipline it would take for him to abstain from sexual pleasure altogether is just too great for it to be even a remote possibility without some hugely powerful force motivating him - like pride, intense shame or extreme religious conviction.
The plus side, which is the point I want to make here, is that all you need to do to keep your man sexually interested in you is to remain his one and only outlet for sexual activity; the sheer power of his sex drive and its persistent regenerative qualities will make him always want to fuck you, even if (eventually) the frequently slows slightly. How you remain his "sole source" is the topic for another post. Right now I just want to make the point that as long as you hold that role, you do not need to worry about his sex drive slowly tapering off any more than you need to worry about his hunger for food gradually disappearing. These things simply do not happen.
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