"Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of" - Illustrated

I've also added the illustration to the original post, which you can read here: "Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

"Because Of" Versus "In Spite Of"

When you are evaluating what things or changes in your life have ostensibly made you more successful with or more attractive to men, make sure you consider them in light of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of." The difference is not very subtle, but women (and men) miss its significance constantly. Let me illustrate with a simple example:

A girl cuts her hair short, and soon after, gets attention from men. She concludes that she gets attention from men because of her short hair, when the reality is that she gets attention from men in spite of her short hair. Her shorter hair is not causing her to get more attention; it just isn't unattractive enough to turn off the men that still approached her.

Another example: a girl gets a new dress and wears it out, and gets attention from a man. She thinks "This new dress really works," concluding that he gave her attention because of her new dress, when really she was just cute enough for him to hit on even though he wasn't a huge fan of her dress - that is, he hit on her in spite of the dress.

I think one of the reasons the confusion occurs is that we (men and women) are always eager to have found one thing or another that makes a significant difference in our attractiveness, and this wishful thinking helps us ignore the distinction I've just described. However, this is not the only reason we ignore it. Men make the mistake often when they evaluate women. If I point out a girl and say "That girl's hair looks bad," one of my male friends will often respond with something like "What? No way man, I think she's hot." But when I point out that she is hot only in spite of her short hair, not because of it, the guy making the comment will usually take a second look, reflect and then agree with me. So even when our own ego is not involved, we (as humans) still make this mistake. I think the most important reason for its occurrence is that there are so many factors contributing to attractiveness that they cannot all be easily considered in isolation.

Try these suggestions instead of relying on your perceived results:

• When you are experienced enough with fashion, make your own decisions about what makes you more or less attractive.
• Get your male friends' opinions, but make sure you call their attention to the specific change (Try "How does this shirt look on me? Would it look better if it were tighter?" not just "How do I look?"). Make sure it is a male friend that does not like you, because most men that like you will tell you what they think you want to hear.
• When it comes to clothes, remember that almost every store has a return policy. Buy it, try it on a few times, and return it later if your (male) friends don' like it.
• Do not solicit or consider opinions from your female friends, your relatives or your gay friends. All of these are strongly colored either by their inability to view you in a sexual light, or their desire to avoid offending you.
• Ignore your hair dresser's opinion or (for clothes) the salesperson's opinion. Both have too strong an interest in your acceptance of their suggestions. It does not matter how friendly they are. In fact, you would be wise to trust them less when they are friendly.

Be especially careful of the distinction between "because of" and "in spite of" when you receive attention from men you have not met before, because they have no point of reference for your attractiveness (i.e. when you wore a better dress or had longer hair).

I am not suggesting that you reject the attention you get in these cases; I am merely warning you against jumping to the conclusion that new-found attention occurs because of a change you made recently, when in fact it only happens in spite of that change.

The Bigger The Hoops, The Bigger The Whore

Women that wear large hoop earrings have a reputation for being slutty. I was recently fortunate enough to be taught the expression "The bigger the hoops, the bigger the whore." Most men have not heard this aphorism before, because it is not usually featured in male-female conversation. Instead it is saved for instances when Girl A steals Girl B's man in 'da club, when Girl A is then verbally relegated by Girl B to the circle of skanks and hookers. Oh, and it's because Girl A was wearing hoop earrings.

Anyway the expression is completely false. The accusation is something akin to Man A calling Man B - who gets a lot of attention from girls - a "douchebag," when the truth is that the Man A is just jealous because he doesn't know how to attract women. Being able to attract women doesn't make a man a douche any more than hoop earrings make a woman a prostitute; plenty of men are successful with women without disrespecting them and there are countless examples of gorgeous women that wear big earrings but aren't hoe-bags. Some women that wear them might be slutty, but that is only because slutty women get one thing right – they know how to make themselves hot. It isn't because hoop earrings look bad.

But I digress. Besides giving me an opportunity to share what is now my favorite expression of all time, the point of this post was to attempt to explain why hoop earrings make a girl look good. Though first I should elaborate slightly: it isn't only hoop earrings that make a girl look good. Hoops will almost always improve a look because they are almost always large. Size is the essential element. Obviously the earrings have to match the rest of the girl's look: her face shape, the length of her neck etc.; but all else being equal, it's a case of the bigger the better. The effect is extremely subtle due to the proliferation of earrings, and especially because women (collectively) wear such a variety of sizes. Men will not know why they are an extra 5 to 10 % attracted to you when you are wearing them, but our ignorance only makes the effect all the more powerful.

(An aside: I have never seen a woman wearing large earrings and found it unattractive, or thought she would look better without them. But on numerous occasions I have seen a girl wear them for the first time, and I found her noticeably more attractive. This does not mean there is no limit to who can benefit from them; but be liberal in deciding whether or not you can pull it off.)

Although it is ostensibly the reason for this post, why large earrings make a woman so much more attractive is still a bit of a mystery to me - and the world at large, apparently, as I've recently learned from asking many woman about their choice of earrings, and trying all kinds of different internet searches for an explanation.

I even did an experiment of my own in an effort to rid the world of such a confounding problem. I searched the internet for pictures of women with large earrings, and removed the earrings using a photo editor. Then I compared the two pictures side-by-side to see if I could determine what it was exactly about large earrings that improved a woman's look. Here are a few examples:

Kim Kardashian

Random Earring Model


Emmanuelle Chriqui

Katy Perry

There is no question that all of these girls look better on the left than they do on the right, but why is still not obvious to me. Here are the explanations I have considered:

1. The size of the earrings has a diminishing effect on the size of a woman's neck, making it look more slender and therefore sexy.
2. The low position of the earrings draw the eyes down, emphasizing the neck and collarbone - a highly feminine and sexy area of a woman's body.
3. The earrings offer balance to the face, which is otherwise dominated by the eyes, eyebrows and nose.

After looking back and forth between the photos, it was clear to me that the earrings do draw the viewer's eyes downward. This would suggest number two; however, I did a quick check by cutting the pictures off below the chin (i.e. removing the neck and collarbones) and seeing whether the earrings still made the girls look more attractive. They did. So although one and two might still be partially truthful, they are definitely not the only or the most important factors. Number three seems the most plausible based on my observations of the pictures, but I don't understand why the face needs or even benefits from this supposed "balance." And if a girl has pretty eyes (as Katy Perry does), wouldn't "balancing them out" make her less attractive?

I'm stumped. Any thoughts?
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Note: In a later post, I shared an answer that seemed accurate: Why Large Earrings Are Attractive


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