The Fantasy of Nightlife

When women go out, they are done up: they have makeup on, their hair is done, they are wearing heels, wearing their best clothes, etc. In addition, nightlife venues are almost always dimly lit, so that any cosmetic imperfections are hidden. In other words, they look their "best."

Men also get dressed up when they go out; but more importantly, they drink. The alcohol makes them more social and confident, more willing to go for what they want. And the magnum of Grey Goose they bought makes them look more important than they are. The loud music and bustling environment makes it unnecessary for them to lead a real conversation, so any lack of social skills is masked. In other words, they also look their "best."

Granted, men often over-drink, in the same way that girls often over-dress. Taking extra shots is the male equivalent of wearing too short of a skirt, or too much makeup. But the point is that, in nightlife, men and women lean on the crutch of added confidence or beauty (respectively) in order to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. The interesting thing is that, in addition to leaning on their own crutch, both sexes actually lean on the opposite sex’s crutch as well…

When men go out, they indulge in the belief that they can get girls who look like supermodels. The truth, of course, is that these guys can only get girls who look like supermodels in the club, and only when they themselves have liquid courage to assist, or loud music to mask their insecurity, or when they have the best table in the club to hide the fact that they are a run-of-the-mill manager in a medium-sized company.

When women go out, they indulge in the belief that they are attractive enough to get confident and powerful men to approach from across a room; but the reality is that they can only attract the men who can act confident after a couple drinks, or guys who know how to look powerful in a nightclub.

While this dynamic is far more exaggerated in nightclubs than it is in bars, it still exists in degrees wherever women are dressed up and men are drinking. Women lean on their appearance and sex appeal to be more attractive than they are normally, men lean on alcohol and status symbols to be more attractive than they are normally; and both sexes bask in the glow of the “results” they get in those circumstances.

This isn't necessarily a problem as long as you recognize what is going on, and enjoy it for the fantasy that it is. But it can be a problem if you let yourself slip into the mentality of “I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex,” when the reality is that you only get a lot of attention from the opposite sex when you go out – in other words, when you participate in the fiction of nightlife. This is significantly different from being able to attract someone in normal life, and assumptions to the contrary might be fueling your complacency.


Related Posts
1. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty
2. Bars Are a Bad Place to Meet Women
3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys – Part 1
4. Nightlife Tip 1 – Create Space at the Bar

Bars Are a Bad Place to Meet Women

I've met the majority of the women I've dated in bars. There have been plenty of girls that I've met through friends or randomly in public, but in bars, the sheer density of attractive, young, single women is enormously greater than it is on the street or beach or office (or anywhere else); and my dating history reflects that. I've made the point previously that the higher concentration of the opposite sex in nightlife venues is a good thing, and I stand by what I said. But as I've gotten older and come to know myself better, I've recognized two serious disadvantages to meeting women in this way.

1. Randomness

The first thing I've realized is that I don't value the way that I meet women I meet in bars – that is, I don’t value the process itself. I was telling this recently to a girl that I know, and she suggested that it was because meeting girls in bars is "too random." I think this is the common supposition - namely, that because you don't have any history or connection with the people that you meet in bars, there is no foundation for a relationship, and so any attempt at one is doomed. But this isn't the problem. A strong foundation for a relationship is just as much a function of personal compatibility as it is a function of common history or connections. Meeting the opposite sex in a bar isn't unsuccessful for lack of foundation, and it isn't unsuccessful because it is random. It is unsuccessful precisely because it isn't random.

Randomness is actually what we all want, in the sense that we all want our "how we met" story to be unique and unexpected. The more random it is that you met someone to whom you find yourself deeply attracted, the more special it feels, because you know that you were incredibly lucky for it to happen. It's the same phenomenon that makes people appreciate life so much after a near-death experience. You value what you have because you know that you almost didn't have it. As absurd as most romantic comedies are, it says something about our ideals of romance that so many of them start with some permutation of a girl hitting a guy on a bike with her car - randomly - and then falling in love with him. Things are romantic at least partially because they are unexpected, that is, seemingly impossible or unreal. I probably don't need to explain to most women how un-romantic it is to receive flowers on Valentine's Day. It might be nice, and it might be better than never receiving flowers, but it isn't romantic because it is too predictable. It isn't random at all.

Being picked up in a bar also isn't random at all. In fact, it is exactly the opposite of random; it is boring because it is too mechanical, too planned. Guys know that they want to meet girls, they know where to find them, and they go there to do so. Girls know that they want to meet men, they know where they will be hit on, and they go there for that reason. The encounter might take place in an exciting, fast-paced and sexually-charged atmosphere, but that's just superficial ornamentation. Underneath, those meetings are absolutely bland, because they are absolutely intentional.

Yes, obviously, not everyone in a bar is there with the conscious intention of meeting the opposite sex, but the percentage of people who are is infinitely higher in nightlife environments than it is in, say, a shopping mall. And following the train of thought described above, we project that intention onto every person we meet in a nightlife environment, then down-rate the value of those encounters accordingly. I don't value the women I meet in bars because there is nothing special about the way we met.

2. Difficulty

The second thing I realized is that I don't value the effort I make to meet girls in bars. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with the girls themselves, but I don't respect my relationships with them because I didn't have to work very hard to make those relationships happen. Men are very keenly aware that things of low value are easy to obtain, and so we assume (and in most cases are right) that things that are easy to obtain are low in value. A man might have the best job in the world, but he'll never feel good about it as long as he knows that he only got it because his father pulled strings with his professional contacts to make it happen. The same mentality applies in dating.

It hasn't always been this way for me. In my early twenties, approaching a random girl in a bar and attracting her enough to get her phone number took balls and felt like a real accomplishment - because at the time, for me, it was. I was able to have genuine relationships with girls that I met in bars because I respected myself for meeting girls in bars. But I don't anymore, because it has become too easy, too boring. Without the challenges that my adolescent social anxiety used to pose, all I see in bars is a social scene hugely facilitated by dark lighting, loud music, commotion and alcohol. They’re still a great place to have fun and get laid, but they’re not the kind of place where I expect to find a relationship anymore.

Now, does this mean that bars are a bad place to meet guys, or that you should stop going out?

Not necessarily. Despite the fairly categorical nature of this post's title, what I am really saying here is that bars are a bad place for me to meet women at this point in my life. I am no relativist, but the reasons explained above don’t apply to every guy, and they don't apply in every situation. If you meet a guy tomorrow who is the way I was at 22, for whom it is a big deal to meet a girl in a bar, then this isn't going to be an issue at all. And even if the guy you meet in a bar is exactly like me in the sense that it isn't a challenge for him, there is still the possibility of something working out; it just means that you are getting off on the wrong foot. If there is a strong enough connection, "how you met" probably won't be enough to prevent or disrupt it.

There is also the chance that there will be some other coincidence that makes the encounter incredibly random, despite the environment – maybe you find out that you both come from the same town on the other side of the country, or that you have identical ancestry, or that you are both obsessed with the same nerdy sci-fi movie, even though you met in a nightclub. And as I explained in previous posts, you still have to consider the disadvantages posed by what I've explained above, along-side the low probability of getting off on the right foot somewhere less intentional, like a shopping mall or at work.

No, I am not saying that you shouldn't go to bars. I am saying that you should be cognizant of the fact that men – just like women – will not respect or value what comes too easily, whether it comes too easily because (a) it is too mechanical or (b) because it requires very little effort. The converse of this is that men will value their encounter with you in proportion to how (a) unlikely or (b) difficult it was. While this doesn't mean that you should lock yourself in a steel cage and only accept men who are willing to tear it down to get to you, it does mean that you should avoid situations in which every man has easy access to you.

Incidentally, this post could also have been written about online dating, or anything else that dramatically facilitates meeting the opposite sex. You might think of bars and online dating as completely different – even opposites – but they share the strong similarity of taking the difficulty out of approaching (and therefore, being approached by) the opposite sex. Even though it seems like an ideal situation on the surface, the reality is that, for many men and women, bars and online dating are shortcuts. And no one wants to know that they got something important to them by taking a shortcut. Even if online dating or going to bars isn't a shortcut for you, be aware that it might be a shortcut for the guy, and that he is liable to respect himself and the relationship less because of it.


Related Posts
1. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys – Part 1
2. How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?
3. Don’t Initiate Contact
4. Why You Don’t Get Approached by Men

No, You Aren't a Good Wing Woman

The other night I was out with a friend who had invited some of his coworkers to join us at the bar. A couple of these coworkers were girls. After everyone had arrived, my friend and I started looking around and talking about which girls in the bar we wanted to talk to. One of his female coworkers overheard us and immediately lit up. She jumped into the conversation: “Oh! Which one do you like? Point her out to me. I’ll go and…”

“Wait.” I said, interrupting her. I knew exactly what she was going to say. “Let me guess. You are going to walk over there and get her to talk to me, because you are ‘a great wing woman’ – right?”

The expression of surprise that broke across her face made it clear that I’d hit the nail on the head. But her enthusiasm wasn't deflated yet.

“I am a great wing woman!” she insisted. “Come on, point her out to me, I am awesome at this.”

“Haha riiiight,” I said sarcastically, “you and every other girl…”

I've had this conversation with girls dozens of times. In fact, I've never met a girl who has claimed to be anything less than "the best" or "a great" wing woman. And every time I've let them demonstrate their "skill," they've failed miserably. Unleashing my frustration at so many similarly self-deceived women, I explained this to her, then drove my point home:

“Girls seem to think that ‘being a good wing woman’ means walking up to another girl and asking her about some article of clothing she is wearing, or where she gets her hair done, and then ‘subtly’ (and by subtly I mean abruptly) transitioning into ‘hey, you have to meet my friend Andrew.’ It’s completely transparent, makes me look like I don’t have the balls to do it myself, and generally undermines any chance I would have had with her to begin with. So, I am sorry, but no, you aren't a good wing woman; and no, you cannot help.”

Enthusiasm now deflated, she turned and went to find her other coworkers.

I realize that not every girl thinks she is a “great wing woman,” but I am continually surprised at how many do, how unoriginal their approach invariably is, how vacuous their claims of greatness are, and how enthusiastic they are about the whole thing. My only guess is that, being so used to a passive role in the whole “pickup” exchange, these girls believe that the opposite task is simple, and simultaneously want to exercise some kind of agency in the process for once – in the same way that many men believe that girls "just" have to look good and show up, and would love to have a girl take the initiative from time to time. In any case, after letting a few girls try and fail at it, I've stopped humoring them.

I've actually had one good experience with a girl helping me to meet another girl. However, the “wing woman” never claimed to be good at what she did. In fact I didn't know until afterwards that her “game” was premeditated. Here is what happened:

My friend and I were part of a large group. He and I were talking to Girl A, who knew that I was attracted to her friend, Girl B. Girl B was talking to some other friends in another small group nearby. Without asking my permission or announcing her intentions, Girl A subtly leaned into Girl B’s group, and asked her a quick question. This drew her into our conversation. We shifted around naturally as Girl B joined our group, and Girl A positioned herself next to my friend, leaving me next to Girl B. We all talked in a group for a few minutes. Once I asked a direct question to the Girl B, Girl A turned to my friend and asked him a direct question also, splitting the conversation into two couples. A moment later, Girl A turned slightly to face my friend, so that Girl B and I were further isolated in a personal conversation. Girl B and I talked like this for about 15 minutes, and then I got her number. It was seamless.

It was so seamless, in fact, that I was suspicious, and I asked Girl A afterwards if she’d done all of that intentionally. She smiled knowingly, nodded, and didn't say another word about it. I was impressed.

So next time you find yourself tempted to brag about your wing-woman skills, stop yourself and re-learn the age-old lesson from Girl A: actions speak louder than words.


Related Posts
1. Don’t Talk Yourself Up
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. No, You Can't Be "Just Friends"
4. How to Make Yourself Approachable

Why Men Don't Approach You During The Day

A reader recently asked in the comments of another post:

I saw you made a Twitter post about women wearing makeup to the gym... 

I go to the gym in my local area a few times per week. I'm one of those girls who wear makeup, albeit not a lot. I am 22, have a good figure and wear tight workout wear.

I have never been approached at the gym. I would have loved to be - there are many attractive men there, and it's in my local high-end area - they're well educated and successful guys, often attractive too. Sometimes I think they may be an age group a bit too old and that some of them are married. 

I usually get hit on quite a lot in bars. I see your posts about being around men and making yourself attractive to them. I follow all of that advice - I don't think I have a problem with the attractiveness part. I would love to be asked out in any of these scenes (gym, college...), because I feel I would have more of a guarantee that they're the right guys, but I am simply not. I sometimes catch them looking, but they never ever come over.

What is it? Are men too shy during the day? Or are there some things women must specifically do to make themselves approachable in daytime scenarios?

I probably should have addressed this question a long time ago, when I covered topics like Why You Don't Get Approached by Men and How To Make Yourself Approachable. In any case, there is a simple answer: men don't approach much during the day because there is a much greater social barrier to doing so. In a bar environment, social interaction is expected. People are there to socialize, if not there with the actual intention of meeting members of the opposite sex. Alcohol also facilitates the interaction a great deal, since it makes men relaxed and takes some of the difficulty out of the approach.

In other venues, like the gym, the grocery store, a shopping mall, or just on the street, most people are there to get something done. They aren't there to meet people; they are there to work out, or pick up some milk, get a new pair of jeans, or get home before it starts raining. Especially in the United States, which is a very accomplishment-focused culture, these activities are packed into an already tight schedule. And while this isn't always the case, and isn't an absolute bar to approaching a woman, it gives a man another excuse to talk himself out of an already nerve-racking experience. It is so much easier for him to tell himself "she is probably busy, and I probably wouldn't like her anyway" than it is to barge into her personal space and face rejection.

Your cause isn't helped by the following factors:

• In public places like the gym or a bus, men who want to approach you would be more easily over-heard, so the embarrassment of failure would be greater than in a bar or nightclub.
• Most women tell men "I would never want to be hit on at the gym. I am all gross and sweaty when I am at the gym. I don't want a guy approaching me; I just want to work out in peace." I can't count the number of times I've heard women say this. Granted, I usually understand this to be a self-serving comment, meant to display the fact that (a) men want to hit on them at the gym, and that (b) they have so much attention from men that they don't care. But unfortunately the effect on the male population is the same nonetheless: it tells men that women want to be left alone during their workout or daily activities.
• Most women wear headphones and listen to music when they are in the gym, on the train, or walking down the street. This only heightens the sense that, when people aren't in the segmented few hours of their life assigned to "socializing," they are off limits to meeting strangers. If you follow me on Twitter you will remember the tweet I made recently about women wearing headphones in public. (Men do this too, of course, but it is less of an issue when it comes to being approached, since men normally do the approaching.)

So the short answer to your question is that men don't approach you in the gym or other day-times venues because they have to take much more social risk in order to do so. Most men can't get up the balls to approach a woman at night, so the added deterrents during the day make it even less likely.

One final note: although you aren't as likely to be approached during the day, and may therefore question the importance of always looking your best, it is worth considering that you are much more likely to be incidentally thrown into interaction with men during the day - for example, when you have a brief conversation with the hot guy at the front desk as you check in at the gym, or when you repeatedly run into an attractive guy at your favorite lunch spot. Not to mention that, by regularly paying attention to how you present yourself, you will learn how to improve your look and thereby optimize your chances in nightlife venues as well.


Related Posts
1. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys - Part 1
2. You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.
3. What It Is Like to Be Rejected by Girls
4. How To Make Yourself Approachable

Nightlife Tip 1 - Create Space at The Bar

One of the easiest ways a man can approach you in a nightlife setting is to strike up a conversation with you while you are at the bar. He can stand next to you while he is ordering a drink, and wait for an opportune moment to ask you a question or make a comment. The approach is casual, low-pressure on both parties, and gives either of them a subtle way to remain in the conversation (pretend they were going to stay there anyway), as well as a graceful way to exit (i.e. "Well, we have our drinks now - have a good night!").

One of the worst ways a man can approach you in a nightlife setting is to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder, or grab your arm through the crowd to get your attention when you aren't noticing him. It is abrupt, catches you off guard, puts you (and him) on the spot, and offers no easy exit.

There is a simple thing you can do to facilitate being approached at the bar, and prevent the need for a man to grab or tap you and put you on the spot. Next time you are out, create space at the bar next to you or choose a spot next to empty space - ideally the only empty space. While there may not be any men noticing you or looking for a way to approach, it would be a shame if simple logistics prevented one from accessing you.

The image below clearly illustrates the technique. In addition to the placement, notice the way the girl's bodies are angled in an effort to be more open to men who might approach. This "open" body language signals to men that you are open to meeting new people (usually they notice it subconsciously - but they notice).

As the night progresses and the bar gets more crowded, there will be more pressure pushing people into your "vacuum," and you will find yourself having to move around from time to time in order to always be posted up next to an empty spot. This can sometimes be a good thing since it gives you an excuse to spend time in different spots and be seen by different men. If the bar gets too full, you can apply the same principle as you stand overlooking a railing or balcony, though not having the drink transaction working for you makes this slightly less desirable. Keep in mind that staying in bars too late is asking for trouble, so I am assuming here that you will be gone before this becomes a major problem.

This isn't a magic trick for picking up guys. It isn't going to actively attract men. It will only facilitate the approach of the ones that are already interested. Rather than trying it out this weekend with grand expectations, I suggest making it a habit that you and your best girlfriends do by default, without expectation, every time you go out.


Related Posts
1. Other Nightlife Tips
2. Why You Don't Get Approached By Men
3. How To Make Yourself Approachable
4. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys - Part 1

Think About Where You Live and Work

You may have perfected your look, your personality, your fitness, and your confidence, but if you aren't crossing paths with men frequently, it is all for nothing. You can't attract men that you don't encounter, and you can't encounter men without a social life.

A couple years ago I dated a beautiful, very sweet girl who lived in the suburbs with her parents, about 45 minutes outside the city. She commuted to her job at the local hospital by car, everyday, alone. Her coworkers were either middle-aged (and married) or older. Her family had moved around a lot when she was growing up, so she didn't have a social circle from her childhood. She rarely went out, struggled to make friends, and was generally unhappy. Last I heard she was in-and-out of a relationship with a guy that her mother hated and she was unenthusiastic about at best; but she stayed with him - I assume for lack of other options. This girl was an 8 out of ten in most guys' books, and a 9 or 10 in others'. She was smart, gentle, had an amazing smile and loved to dress up and go out (I always wished I liked her more, but ultimately we didn't click and I had to let her go). It was depressing to see her suffocated by her living and working situation. I always urged her to move away from her parents and into the city, where she could work at a younger hospital, socialize, meet guys, make friends, go out, and generally thrive. But she was too scared to move. She didn't feel comfortable leaving what she knew so well after so long.

Especially if you aren't the most outgoing person in the world, your work and living situation can dramatically improve your social life - or cripple it. And your social live, in turn, determines how frequently you meet new men. The frequency with which you meet new men not only gives you opportunities for meeting one you like, but it also gives you opportunities to practice interacting with men and to learn from your mistakes. I don't think it is a huge stretch to say that your choice of job and living location can play heavily into your success in the dating world.

You might question how simply moving to another location or job will improve your social life - and you'd be right that some additional effort is needed. But the sheer proximity to restaurants, other people, nightlife, museums, parks, stores, etc. - all of this facilitates social interaction. For example, if you live near a gym (which is very likely if you live in the city) you are more likely to meet people when you work out - at a spin class, or even while you are checking in. If you live near a park, you are more likely to run or walk there, and maybe join the sports leagues you see playing there on weeknights. If you live near nightlife, you can invite your coworkers out and give them a place to crash afterwards (this will create memories and develop friendships). All of this can help - in small or big ways - to expand your social circle. It isn't just about crossing paths with men; it's about living where more people are and where more things are happening, it's about exposing yourself to opportunities. In a sense, choosing where you live and work is the most fundamental way of making yourself approachable - a critical part of female game.

Of course you shouldn't completely neglect the financial or professional side of this decision; but does it really make sense to choose how to spend the majority of your waking hours without regard to who you will spend them with, or where they allow you to spend your free time? Does it really make sense to sacrifice opportunities to make friends and meet men, just for a small boost in your career?

So...

• If your job actively prevents you from interacting with people you could make friends with, quit. Your professional life is almost definitely not as important as your social life.
• If live in the suburbs, move to the city. You can find cheap place in any city. If it isn't as nice, get used to it. If you increase your commute 45 minutes a day, suck it up. Spend the time listening to books on tape or talking on the phone.
• If you spend an hour a day on your laptop at home rather than in a coffee shop or some other public place because none are convenient to you - force yourself out of the house.
• If you commute by car when you could take public transportation, consider switching.
• If you pass up opportunities to go out to bars or nightclubs, or to hang out with coworkers because it is a pain to drive into the city - move closer.
• If you don't go out to restaurants occasionally with your friends because you all live in different suburbs and nothing is local to you, move.

The list could go on forever, but you see the point: choose where you work and live wisely, because it will affect your social life, and by extension, your success with men.


Related Posts
1. Learn How to Be Social
2. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness
3. Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 2

Continued from Part 1.

So if you agree that bars are a reasonably good place to meet men, which ones should you go to? Onviously you will want to hang out in (a) the kind of places that the kind of men you want to meet are most likely to be, and (b) places that you enjoy being. Thankfully, these two criteria will normally point you in the same direction. It is only within these criteria that you should apply the suggestions below:

1. Avoid extremely loud places, so that you can have a conversation and get to know the guys a little better than you would otherwise. I suggest places with a rooftop or outdoor section.
2. Try to go to places where everyone is standing up rather than sitting down at individual tables. This facilitates interactions.
3. Go to places with activities or things going on: beer-pong, go-go dancers, shuffleboard, etc. It is much easier and less awkward for a guy to ask a girl "is that your friend on the mechanical bull?" than to walk up and just introduce himself.
4. Go to crowded places. Crowded places encourage proximity, which translates to more interactions and opportunities for guys to approach you. I used to go to this bar that was always packed from end to end, to the point that you could barely walk around. It was a pain in the ass to order a drink, but it was incredibly easy to talk to women because we were literally stepping on each others' toes.

However, far more important than where you go out, is when you go out. If you leave the bar by 11:00 pm or midnight (in the United States), you automatically filter out 90 % of the men who are interested in sex alone. These men usually need alcohol to approach you; and even the ones that don't know that most girls won't be able to overcome the social stigma associated with taking them home until they are four or five drinks deep. So they aren't going to make advances until later in the night. Actually, a lot of them won't even arrive until later in the night, for that very same reason.

This phenomenon isn't entirely a matter of the promiscuous people being in bars late and the prude people leaving early. Like most things, it isn't that black and white. The same guy who might ask for your number sober at 9:00 pm will take you far less seriously if you accept his drunken approach at midnight, in the same way that you will take him less seriously for being drunk. As the night progresses, and so does intoxication; men and women alike change their motivations and expectations.

It isn't easy to walk out early. I am sure a lot of girls (perhaps most) rarely get hit on until after midnight, and that kind of affirmation can be a hard thing to turn your back on. I could even see how  in some ways it would be helpful to receive that attention; it could help realize that men are interested in you. But if your main concern is filtering the good attention from the bad, leaving early is the best way to maximize your chances of meeting someone worthwhile in a bar.

Bars Are a Good Place to Meet Guys: Part 1

In the comments to a recent post, I suggested that a reader not give up entirely on the idea of meeting guys in bars. Another reader asked why not:

"I'm curious that you suggest not to write off the bar scene entirely. I'd be interested to know your reasons for this and also what kinds of bars to spend time in versus which ones not to."

The way I see it, it shouldn't be necessary to prove that bars and nightclubs are a good place to meet guys; this is ostensibly the case: they are full of people of a similar age, looking their best, in a social mood, with no obligations to prevent them from meeting new people and engaging in conversation. On top of all of that, approaching random members of the opposite sex is socially acceptable in bars, to the point that it is almost expected. There is also an unlimited supply of alcohol - the most potent social lubricant.

It is only when you start to look more closely that you start to see some of the negatives:

• A fairly large portion of the patrons are interested in - if not actively looking for - casual sex.
• A lot of guys rely too heavily on alcohol to approach women, and end up being drunk and sloppy.
• It is often too noisy to have a good conversation.
• There is a lot of competition.

The real question is whether or not these negatives outweigh the obvious positives. I don't think they do.

• Yes, a lot of men are looking for casual sex, but if you filter properly, the time you waste on them will be negligible. 
• The guys that drink too much are easy to spot and are essentially filtering themselves out for you. 
• Noise makes things difficult but not impossible in most cases, and it can be controlled by being selective about where you go. 
• The additional competition you'll face in a bar isn't as big of a deal as it might seem, since all men have different taste in women. 

Even if these negative points exclude a significant portion of the men in a given bar or nightclub as potential dates, there are still more remaining than you could meet in most other places. In other words, despite the presence of guys that are not worth talking to, you can you get more exposure to more men in a short period of time in bars than you can elsewhere.

I'll post Part 2 soon, which will discuss how to choose a venue.

I Can't Believe I Forgot This One...

So I was out tonight and not too long after I arrived at the bar, I stepped away from my friend to approach three girls standing nearby - or more accurately, I approached one cute girl who was with two unattractive friends. The friends were probably in the three to four range and the one I was interested in was somewhere near an eight. I didn't take this disparity into account when I approached, and paid too much attention to the one who was attractive, causing the other two to get jealous and cock block me, as described in number two in the previous post. Clearly I was just another guy hitting on their hot friend, like every other time they go out together. They didn't like this so they cut me out of the conversation by turning their friend away from me and talking to her over what I was trying to say, ignoring me. This pissed me off to no end, since it was clearly against the cute girl's will, but I can tell when it's a case of "friends first," so I sucked up my pride and went back to my friend.

Anyway, the incident made me realize that I'd forgotten one of the most important things girls need to do to make themselves approachable, which is:

12. Don't hang out with girls that are significantly hotter than you
Obviously every guy has different taste, so you can be liberal in deciding whether or not they are "hotter than you," but there are some obvious combinations to avoid - like hanging out with an eight when you are a three or four. The rule can also be extended to choosing a place to go out: don't go to places where everyone is hot if you are decidedly not in that league. It would be like a short dude hanging out in a bar full of guys over 6'4". But if you are standing next to a friend that is more than three points hotter than you, don't expect to get hit on by anyone other than a wing man.

How to Make Yourself Approachable

As I have indicated in other posts, there are three aspects or stages of female game:

1. Making yourself as attractive as possible
2. Making yourself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with you from the men that want to date you

This post obviously deals with the second item on the list, but it needs to be prefaced with an important caveat: improving approachability is the easiest but also the least effective way of improving a female's game. While the advice below can be helpful and it merits attention, you will be disappointed if you think it will dramatically improve your dating life. Women who do not get approached should never assume that their problem lies in this area. I have met only a few girls in my life that have actually had this problem, and usually it is accompanied by a social awkwardness that is debilitating in later stages of a relationship anyway. In any case, work on 1 and 3 before you worry about 2.

Most of these pointers are negative in nature, in other words, things you should not do. This is not a coincidence or due to the omission of the positive suggestions. It is because the nature of a woman's game (when it comes to approaching) is inherently more passive. A woman makes herself approachable by removing as many deterrents as possible.

While the best of these tips are designed to remove obstacles that make it near-impossible for a guy to approach, there are others that essentially "make it easy" for a guy. While including these goes against the spirit of other advice I've posted here, I acknowledge that the need for filtering out men with purely sexual intentions - while important to some girls - applies in proportion to the amount of attention from men a woman is getting. If you don't have that problem, the "make it easy" tips might help as much as the "make it possible" tips - but use the former wisely.

1. Don't Go Out With Men
Women surrounded by men never get approached, and in the rare event that they do, the men will usually make it difficult or impossible for the approaching male. Having men around you, regardless of their relationship with you or even their sexuality, is the single biggest game killer.

2. Don't Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls
Split up into smaller groups, ideally groups of two or three. This gives men an opportunity to meet you without having the burden of entertaining the whole group, or at least saves them the difficulty of extracting you from it. Your jealous girlfriends are experts at making this hard for him. If you are with girls that are prone to doing this, tell them ahead of time not to pull you away if you are approached.

3. Have Open Body Language
If you and your girlfriends want to meet guys, don't huddle or sit down, or turn your backs on the action. Stand side by side, or at an obtuse angle to one another. This demonstrates that you are open to conversation. If you have a drink, hold it down, away from your chest. A drink clutched up against your body comes across defensive and unwelcoming. Try it out with your friend when you are standing next to her; as you pull your drinks down and away you will feel much more open and relaxed. Men actually do notice this, though it is subconscious. It might take some getting used to but it will pay off.

4. Don't Worry About Smiling At Him
I swear all girls must have be told at some point "if a guy you like looks at you, make sure you smile." I cannot count the number of times I have made eye contact with a girl and had her respond with what is clearly a forced and awkward smile. So here's the advice: if it doesn't come naturally, don't do it. A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are nervous or awkward. While a smile might encourage a guy that needs some reassurance, I guarantee that it will not make or break his decision if it isn't natural. Forced smiles are very easy to recognize, even for men. Prolonged eye contact alone should suffice (see below).

5. Make Eye Contact
This is the single most effective way of inviting a man to hit on you. Make eye contact and hold it. While this is actually a form of initiating the interaction, which I wouldn't normally suggest, it still leaves the ball mostly in his court. Give up and move on if he doesn't approach after ten seconds of collective eye contact (this could be 2 seconds in 5 different instances, for example). If he hasn't approached after that much of an invitation, he either isn't actually interested or doesn't have the balls - probably the latter if the eye contact was really ten seconds. Avoid "eye-fucking" guys, since this is too forward and definitely falls into the category of initiating.

6. Get Close
If a guy wants to hit on you, getting close enough to make it happen is usually just a matter of taking a few strides in your direction. However, in some circumstances it can be a little more difficult for him, and then it makes sense for you to get closer. For example, if he is with a group of friends it might be hard for him to get everyone to move to your area. Even if he doesn't have such hurdles, it never hurts to move closer; just avoid making it too obvious by hovering awkwardly or staying too long (I suggest staying only a few minutes, though this depends somewhat on the circumstances).

7. Don't Stay on The Dance Floor All Night
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You might feel more comfortable or have more fun dancing rather than standing around waiting for guys to talk to you, but when you are on the dance floor you are basically off limits - except to drunken, groping men. If you are a good dancer, it definitely doesn't hurt to be seen dancing. It also shows that you are fun and feminine. But while it might get you noticed or earn you some points with potential suitors, it will ultimately prevent them from approaching if you stay out there too long.

8. Have A Drink
While no one likes a sloppy drunk girl, having one or two drinks will calm your nerves, help you flirt, open your body language, and generally make you more approachable. It also demonstrates that you are easy-going and like to have fun. Just avoid getting drunk, which is unattractive.

9. Avoid Loud Places
Don't hang out in front of the speakers or at bars/clubs where you know they will have extremely loud music. I  almost never approach girls in areas that would require me to shout or lean in to talk in her ear. Outdoor places are usually good in this respect.

10. Choose Your Location Wisely
Stand somewhere where men are coming and going to, other than the bathroom. Usually the best place for this is the bar, but sometimes it can be too crowded, in which case I would suggest standing towards the back of the crowd. Don't stand in a corner or away from the action, as you might not be seen. Balconies are always good because they give a man the chance to walk up beside you and comment on whatever you are overlooking. Make sure there is at least one open direction (in front of or beside you) from which he can approach.

11. Don't Leave Too Early 
I've seen girls that I wanted to talk to leave the bar or club before I had the opportunity to meet them. Also, a lot of men need a couple drinks before they feel comfortable approaching girls. Assuming you don't mind being approached by a guy that needs a little help from the bottle, you need to be around when they reach that point.

12. One of the most important points, which I added later. Read it here.


If you get disheartened because men are not approaching you, or if you have an initial interaction with a guy you like and then he leaves or doesn't take your number - tough luck. This is part of female game, just like approaching, being rejected and humiliated is part of a man's. When a guy gets rejected, he doesn't blame the girl; he blames himself. When I get turned down, I know that if I had been more confident or smarter, or otherwise a man of higher value, she would have been attracted to me. I make it my goal to always improve, so that next time I will walk away with her number. The same should go for you: when a guy walks away without your contact information, suck it up, figure out other ways to make yourself more attractive or personable (the other posts in this blog should help), then get back out there.

Why You Don't Get Approached by Men

I've approached hundreds of women in bars and nightclubs. Maybe thousands. I've done it in all kinds of moods and at different stages of my life; I've done it during the day, at night, drunk, buzzed, sober, when I was bored, excited, tired, horny, single, dating, in relationships, etc.

On top of my own efforts, I've watched countless male friends, acquaintances and random dudes approach women. I've talked to them about their nerves beforehand, their mood afterwards, what they wanted to get out of the interaction and what they expected to happen. I know their reasons for approaching women, and I know my own.

Finally, I've watched plenty of men (myself included at times) give in to their nerves or the circumstance, and not approach at all. Some of these guys have done it a million times before, some are doing it for the first time, and others never have before and still can't. I've heard their excuses, and I know my own. Sometimes they are legitimate.

The following is a list of reasons why men do not approach women in bars. Note that it is not ordered by the frequency or the strength of the deterrent, but by the controllability. The color coding made the list look a lot cooler than assigning a numeric value - my apologies to the mathematicians. (I acknowledge that the controllability could be quantified and then factored into the overall rating, but appearance is too often underrated and/or neglected, so it's staying the way it is.)

* This list assumes that you are in the same venue for long enough that temporary distractions or time constraints are not deterrents.

Obviously some of these rankings are variable, but I have tried to put a reasonable estimate in where that is the case. For example, which friends you are out with will definitely influence how rude it would be to leave them (I had in mind good friends you don't get to see very often), or some guys will care more about getting a girl that fits their "type" than others.

Notice how controllable some of the worst cock-blockers are. It makes good sense for women concerned with their approachability to spend most of their energy addressing (to the degree to which they are able):

• Those that have a high overall score
• Those that are highly controllable

I would like to think this list is complete, but I am more concerned with making it that way, so your comments are welcome. I am trying to focus only on the top-level stuff, so things like a girl's weight or her overt sluttiness would not cut it, because both are reasons why "He doesn't find you attractive," not reasons he doesn't approach.