"I'm Not Like Other Girls"

Dating and relationships are rife with cliche lines and expressions. People hear them in movies or on television, and then rehash them because they seem like the appropriate thing to say when the narrative of their relationship starts to vaguely resemble the script of their favorite romantic comedy. You know what I am talking about - things like "Let's just be friends," "I had a really great time tonight," "It's not you it's me," etc. But one of the most overused lines comes up when a man makes a sexual advance with a girl he just started seeing. Every guy knows the line I am talking about here:

"I can't do that... I'm... I'm not like other girls."

If girls had any idea how often guys hear that line, they'd cringe at the mere thought of using it. I cringe every time I hear it, just because I've heard it so many times before, and hate cliches. But most girls probably didn't realize how common it is, because it is always said in private, out of earshot of other girls. Now you know.

Of course, the irony is that, in the very act of saying she is different, the girl saying so is being exactly the opposite of different. Perhaps the greater irony still is that, from a guy's perspective, her saying so is actually a pretty good sign that she is about to say yes to sex. Some guys realize this more than others, but the ones that do know that the girls who really are different (in the sense that they don't have sex very quickly) don't feel the need to verbalize that fact in order to convince anyone.

Now, if you are a normal American girl, you've probably said this yourself at some point. And that's OK. I've said just as stupid and equally cliche shit to girls before. Most guys have, so I'm not pointing fingers. And actually, I'm not even accusing you of being like every other girl. For that matter, I'm not even saying that you shouldn't be like every other girl when it comes to sex. I am just pointing out that, if what you say is true, then you don't need to say it; and you actually undermine your credibility in the very act of doing so.

So if you really want to prove to a guy that you are different from other girls, just be different from other girls, and leave it at that.

Related Posts

1. How to Turn Down a Guy for Sex

2. Don't Fuck on The First Date

3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex with Him

4. Never Tell a Man Why He Shouldn't Want to Date You

The "Three Mistake Minimum" Rule on Dates

I've had a lot of girls ask recently how they can be more "open," more authentic, more vulnerable. They recognize that these dispositions not only allow them to be their true feminine selves, but are also attractive to men in a non-sexual way. This post is for them. If you are the kind of girl who prides herself for "speaking her mind" on dates, this post is not for you. In fact, you probably need to shut up more.

When my friend and I used to go out in San Diego, we would sometimes make a rule at the beginning of the night: no one could go home until they'd approached and been rejected five times by girls. If you were successful and chose to leave the interaction or got a phone number, it didn't count towards the total. Sometimes we would aim for three rejections, other times five rejections, and on ambitious nights we'd shoot for ten. It made for some fun times. The way we saw it, if we weren't getting rejected often, it meant we weren't trying hard enough. More importantly, it made approaching easier. If we knew we had to get rejected ten times anyway, we'd think "might as well get started now." It always worked. What at first seemed like recklessness actually made us successful, because our indifference to rejection gave us the bearing we needed to communicate our confidence; and women ended up liking us more.

As I pointed out in a seemingly unrelated post, taking risks is something we all need to do in order to succeed. We tend to avoid risks because they lead to failure, but risk-taking is also a prerequisite for success. We have to embrace the chance of failure if we want to succeed. This applies to dating as much as every other aspect of our lives. While there are many things we can control to attract the opposite sex, experience shows us that not everything can be manipulated, and there is a point at which we need to let go and accept the limits of our influence.

A lot of women find first dates nerve-racking. Whether or not they realize or admit it, they are nervous because they see a first date as a time to perform, a single opportunity to show their best side to a man, a critical chance to impress him. They are self-conscious because they want to avoid doing something stupid or unattractive. If you are one of these women, you know exactly what I am talking about. It can be paralyzing.

When you are having a conversation on a first date, all kinds of thoughts and reminders are constantly passing through your mind. Some of them seem appropriate and you verbalize them, but many you veto because you aren't sure if he'll agree, or whether he'll be interested. These are things that you would say without a moments' hesitation in front of a work acquaintance or a friend; but you don't want to say something that will turn off your date, or make him think that your tastes or opinions differ too much from his. So you leave these things unsaid.

Example 1 - He mentions a boring, generic Hollywood movie he saw the other day and really liked, and asks what the most recent movie you've seen was. You tell him that it was A Separation. When he asks how you liked it, you balk. You thought it was incredible, the best movie you've seen in years; but you are hesitant to tell him so because you doubt he appreciates foreign (let alone Persian) films, and he might even think you are a little weird because of it. You tell him "It was good... different, but good" and change the subject.

Example 2 -  You met online and it's your first date. He invites you to dinner but doesn't tell you the name of the restaurant ahead of time. You've had a long day so you are hoping for someplace casual where you can just kick back and have a beer with him. When he picks you up he is a lot hotter in-person than you expected. He takes you to a fairly fancy place, and when the waitress comes, he orders a cocktail. You do too, even though you never drink anything other than Bud Light and think cocktails are kind of pretentious.

In both instances you lack authenticity. This kind of guarded, deferential mentality is preventing you from being your true self. More to the point here, it is preventing you from finding a man that is truly compatible with you. I've been on dates with girls that have been very open and genuine, and I've had absolutely no interest in them because of it. They showed their true colors, and I didn't like them. But these girls are far closer to finding a guy than the women I've dated several times without ever feeling like I knew who they were. A few of these girls gave me glimpses of their true selves occasionally, and I loved what I saw. But the glimpses were far too brief and fleeting for me to really know whether it was representative or not - in other words, whether or not it was worth hanging around for. So I didn't.

You probably assume this guarded mentality in order to prevent yourself from failing with men (looking stupid); but it is also preventing you from succeeding with them. The kind of guy who would like what you decided against saying will think less of you for your silence, while the guy who would think poorly of you for it probably isn't right for you anyway. Your attempt to make the date work by avoiding your natural inclinations is futile, because, although your instinct is right - it will prevent you from looking stupid - it will also prevent you from being attractive to the men you are most suited for.

So next time you are on a date, do the equivalent of what my friends and I used to do in the bars of San Diego: do not go home until you've made a conscious effort to push through your reservations and express the things you would say in non-date situations - at least three times. In other words, don't go home until you've made three "mistakes." Remind yourself of this just before meeting him for the date, and then anytime you are alone during it (e.g. when you go to the bathroom). If you want to get hyper-practical about it, set an alert on your phone, so that you get a little vibrate reminder part-way into the date. If you get to the end of the date and still haven't hit three, just ask him anything you want  to know about him but "isn't appropriate" to ask.


Related Posts
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3. Texting Tip 3 - When Should You Reply?
4. Living Vulnerably
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What Men Think About Your Disability

Hi Andrew,

I don't think I'm your target audience but found myself agreeing with many of your posts (mercifully they are short, to the point and well written).

When I am out and about I get a fair amount of attention from men and women. People smile often, say hello, compliment me on my hair, generally really nice to me. Well the women do. I even have complete strangers pouring their heart out to me. I notice men looking at me and once in awhile they smile. Without appearing 'full of myself' I know I have a nice, friendly, open face and personality. I do get very nervous if I'm aware a man might be interested in me. Consequently, all that easy breezy confidence I usually have disappears.

The thing is, I have weakness in my legs and I use a walker. I think this is an impediment (along with my age, although most people think I'm much younger than I am). I have had men approach me even though it's clear I need an aid. Mostly they do not. Most people really do notice my face first and then their eyes wonder down to notice my walker; they look back up then away.  My guess is that a lot of people are intrigued by the dissonance: a young looking, pretty woman using an "old lady" walker.

I appear very normal other than using a walker. I'm only interested in meeting a guy to date seriously. By the way, I'm 46.

I know my physical disability slashes my chances with most men but do you have any suggestions about how I may increase them?

Kind regards,
Nancy
__________________________________________

Nancy,

If I imagine myself in a public place where I was open to meeting women, and I saw an attractive woman with a walker, my reaction would be something like this:

"Woah, she is good looking. Is that a walker? That's kind of strange... but also interesting. It might be a little awkward trying to 'talk around' it [i.e. avoid bringing it up in conversation, or making sure to do so tactfully] but I still want to meet her. I wonder if it affects her ability to have sex? Would it be weird dating a girl like that? Would the walker be in the way all the time? I bet she is a good and interesting person." 

Then a series of images would flash through my mind about how the walker might play into a relationship with her. I might imagine helping her get seated at dinner, getting into and out of the car, etc.

This is not just a hypothetical situation for me. I had a similar experience one time, fairly recently, when I came across a cute girl's profile on a dating website. When I clicked-down into her photo album, I saw that she had deformed legs and a wheelchair. I remember thinking essentially the same things I've paraphrased above.

You can be 100 % sure that the sex question will go through any guy's mind if he is otherwise interested in you - whether it is for a temporary or long term relationship. In fact, I think it is safe to say that for any guy, this will be his biggest question, even if it seems obvious to you that there wouldn't be any issue. While it would be pretty awkward to convey your ability to have sex in a spoken conversation, you might consider internet dating, where you could literally add a note about it to your profile - maybe just a sentence at the bottom saying something like "By the way, even though I have a walker, I just want to put it out there that I am still capable of normal sexual relationship." This might seem a little awkward to post online, but it would be well received by the men, and it would remove an impediment - again, probably the largest - from their willingness to contact you.

If you date a guy and you get to a point where you would be comfortable having sex, I suggest letting him know indirectly that you are capable of it. You can do this by taking a natural opportunity in conversation to point out that your disability "doesn't prevent anything except your ability to walk." No need to wink, raise an eyebrow or even say it in a suggestive tone. Even if he doesn't understand that you are trying to convey your ability to have sex (in fact, it would be better that he didn't), that comment will be in the back of his mind when he thinks about having sex with you later, and it will have helped to form his understanding of the limited effect of your disability. He will therefore be more comfortable making a sexual advance. If he makes an advance before you are comfortable having sex, I suggest pointing out the reason why you aren't ready (maybe it's just too soon, or you are waiting for marriage, etc.), so that he knows that it isn't because of your disability. I do not suggest making an advance yourself.

The second biggest consideration will be the overall effect of the walker on day-to-day activities. I don't see this being a huge problem to an open-minded guy, but some men would prefer not to have to deal with it at all. The latter group of guys are probably not the kind you are interested in anyway, and I suggest just being happy that they won't waste your time. However, the ignorant and open-minded guys are the extremes on a scale. Different guys will consider your disability a "big deal" to different degrees, and it will play into each's decision accordingly. So with all guys, the best thing to do will be to help them become familiar with its minimal effect on your life as soon as possible. You can do this mostly by showing him how casual you are about it: if you go on a date, be nonchalant about your walker in any situations it creates. Mention the walker in passing without focusing too much on it, or casually telling a story in which it played a role, but moving on naturally in the conversation afterwards. Your casual references will speak volumes about the normal-ness of the walker in your life.

Humor will be a very big tool for you in this regard. In fact, I think it can be your biggest ally if it isn't too forced. For example, I envision you talking with a girlfriend and a guy you like, and you telling a story that happens to involve a funny situation that was caused by your walker. For a split second after the punch line, the guy is mildly uncomfortable (because he doesn't know how he "should" respond), but that awkwardness instantly melts away when he sees you and your friend talking casually and laughing about the whole thing. Then you return to normal conversation, just like after telling any funny story - except that he now realizes a bit better how natural it is for you, and how natural it would be for him if he were to date you. If you can show him that you can laugh about your walker and disability, he will be much more comfortable with the idea of dating you.

The converse is also true: nothing will turn off men more than to get the impression that your disability is a big deal, and is awkward, and is an impediment to a normal relationship. The girl I mentioned earlier with the wheelchair on the dating website made one huge mistake: she put a disclaimer at the bottom of her profile saying something like "and if you send me a message asking about my chair I will find where you live and beat you up." Obviously her threat was a joke (she was tiny), but it showed that she was uncomfortable with any attention drawn to the fact that she was different. She thought her wheelchair was a much bigger deal than it really was, and that was a red flag to me and other men that we would constantly have to tip-toe around the subject. Ugh. I would have been so much more attracted if she'd had written "Oh, and if you think my wheelchair holds me down, just wait 'til I kick your ass on the basketball court! ;)"

The general idea, I think, is that your walker isn't a big deal and you just need to show potential boyfriends this. I can tell from your e-mail that you are very comfortable with its effect on your life. But realize that for the guy, it is a new thing with a lot of associated uncertainty. The sooner you can remove that uncertainty and replace it with normal-ness and humor, the more he will be able to envision himself living with it and you.

It is worth mentioning that your walker is certainly acting at least partially as a filter. If a man approaches you, you know he is interested in something more than sex. Therefore I think you can ignore any advice about gauging his interest or making him wait. This doesn't mean you should take the initiative yourself (asking him out or for his number, for example), because this will come across as needy; but it does mean that you can be more open to his advances than other girls. (If you aren't getting a lot of attention from men at the moment, this openness will probably come naturally, since you will be excited about the prospect of finding a guy.)

So maybe I can summarize by saying I suggest the following:

• If possible, convey to him that you are capable of sexual relationship
• Demonstrate immediately that your disability is not a big deal, and that you are comfortable with it
• Recognize that a man approaching you has already been "filtered" so there is far less need to test him. Be open but not needy.

Oh, and about being nervous when a guy gives you attention: you can be sure that the guy is nervous about giving you attention, and most likely does not notice your nervousness - unless you show some painfully visible sign of it (shaking for example). The first time I hit on a girl at the grocery store I was nervous as hell. I'd passed her in the aisles a couple times and she'd made eye contact back at me, so I suspected she might be interested, but I was still nervous. I forced myself to approach her and she was clearly nervous too (fidgeting, awkward, etc.). All this did was to calm my own nerves, which in turn calmed hers, and we had a nice conversation.

I hope some of this helps. Good luck and thanks for the kind words about the blog.

Andrew
__________________________________________

Hello Andrew,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and practical advice. It is very helpful. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

You have helped me realize that I had made the walker more of an issue than needed. I suppose I lacked faith that any man would look past my disability. I'm glad you pointed out that I need not play hard to get with a man who has shown interest. It is a reminder that we really need to assess our unique positions when reading material on dating.

My confidence has gone up a notch. Now, all I need to do is get out there.

You really ought to write a book if you haven't already.

Once again; thank you.

Kind regards,

Nancy
_________________________________________

Andrew,

I was thinking if and when the time comes, do I need to be completely honest about how far my disability has affected my life? For instance, I am in continual pain but I have learnt how to manage it. Or do you think it would be better if I don't make an issue of it?

Nancy
__________________________________________

Nancy,

I would focus more on making sure he knows that you are used to it than trying to point out how bad it is. Just telling him how much it hurts isn't the whole story, because, as you say, you have learned how to manage it.

Recently my coworker and his wife bought a new house. They got a great deal on it, but realized only after they moved in that it was under the flight path of a local airport.

When they first moved in, they started hearing the planes, and were worried that they'd made a huge mistake. But after a couple weeks they literally couldn't even tell you when an airplane had passed because they were so used to it. If the real estate agent had shown them the home during heavier airplane traffic, or called their attention to it, they'd probably have immediately walked away, not realizing how minor a disturbance it would actually be. They would have missed out on a great deal.

Likewise, if it comes up in conversation for some reason, I would be honest and admit that yes, it hurts - sometimes a lot - but emphasize that you know how to manage it and it isn't a big deal because of that. I wouldn't even go into detail about how you manage it, because that calls more attention to it than it warrants. The point is that you do manage it, and it isn't a huge thing. End of story.

Hope that helps,

Andrew


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Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him

One time on a first date I was making out with a girl, and started trying to take off her clothes. She stopped me and said "Sorry, I don't do that until the third date."

I think she realized her mistake immediately, because a few moments later she awkwardly and self-consciously added something like "...yeah not until least the 3rd date."

The problem with telling a guy when you'll have sex with him is that you give him expectations. If I'd gone on a third date with that girl, you better believe that I'd have been expecting sex. Even if she didn't feel ready, she would feel pressured by her own words to sleep with me. Of course she would always have the right to say no, but it would cause friction in the relationship ("but you said...").

More importantly, by telling a guy when you'll have sex with him is that he can then decide immediately whether or not it is worth waiting for it. For example, I wasn't willing to sit through another two dates with this girl in order to have sex with her, so I didn't ask her out again. If she hadn't told me I'd have to wait that long, I'd probably have asked her out again, and she'd have had another opportunity to sink a hook of attraction.

So when it comes to telling a guy you don't want to have sex, opt instead for open-ended expressions like "I'm not ready for that yet."


Related Posts
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Never Tell a Man Why He Shouldn't Want to Date You

One of the funniest but wisest quotes I've ever read was from the recent bestselling book & Twitter feed "Shit My Dad Says." The author recounts a time when he was telling his father about a girl he'd just been on a date with. Dejected, he tells his dad that she is obviously out of his league. His dad replies:

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

Of course the advice in this specific instance is about sex and women. But encapsulated in his words is a lesson that many people - men and women - painfully need to learn. Regardless of how bad your situation in life is, you should always hold your head high and illustrate or describe your personal situation in the best light possible. There is simply never a need, under any circumstances, to highlight the negative aspects of your life. There will always be external factors working against you - biology, genetics, social stigmas, gossip, etc. You don't need to contribute to them. Never tell a man why he shouldn't want to date you.

I've been dumbfounded at some of the shit women tell me on dates. It reflects so poorly on them, yet they tell it to me voluntarily. I get the impression that they are trying to be "candid" or "unfiltered," but that intention is only appropriate for people who have nothing in their life that needs to be filtered.

Although there are some situations in which it is necessary to do so, as a rule you should never voluntarily talk about or even mention any of the following:

1. Guys that have broken up with you, or any failed relationships
2. Difficulties you have finding a guy
3. How much it sucks being single
4. That you have been raped or physically abused
5. Any bad life experiences you've had (or are having)
6. Family drama (e.g. that your mother despises your father's parents)
7. Your lack of a social life
8. Your dissatisfaction with your current life situation
9. Your struggles with depression, a disability, or being a single mother
10. How much you hate your job

I am not making this list up. I went on a second date with a girl once who spent the whole time telling me about her parents' ongoing divorce, how crazy it was and how she and her siblings kept fighting. Word-by-word, she painted a hugely unattractive picture of her life, and I lost attraction for her because of it. Another time - before we'd even gone on a date - a girl told me she'd been raped by two black men in college (she was trying to disarm a comment I made about her being "innocent"). I never asked her out.

It isn't as if all negative comments need to be purged from your conversation. It is fine to mention small things, like "God, it's so frustrating; the seats of my BMW are taking sooo long to break in..." or "Argh! I hate this cell phone, it is constantly auto-updating." While these kinds of comments might make you seem frivolous, it is better that these are the problems on your mind, rather than your upcoming psychiatric exam or how you can't possibly pay the rent next month. When it comes to big things, keep your mouth shut about anything negative.

If you have serious issues that you think your boyfriend should probably know about, like a serious STD or an alcoholic father, you can and probably should tell him about them - eventually. Bring up the bad things only after he's had a chance to see the positive aspects of your life that outweigh them.

Don't Talk Yourself Up

I've been on a number of first dates, or early dates anyway, during which the girl essentially tried convincing me that she was hot shit. This hasn't typically been outright bragging. In fact, I think in all instances that I can recall, the girl has ostensibly just been telling me about her dating history or personal experiences. But her narrative has been laced with comments about how she is usually the one to end relationships, or how she goes on a lot of first dates, or how she just can't seem to find someone that is intelligent but confident, extroverted but thoughtful, good looking but humble, etc. - all of which imply that she has options with men and is generally amazing. Other girls have talked almost immediately and incessantly about how much they've traveled, or their multiple degrees, or their great jobs. Their underlying message is "See? I am a great catch; you should want to date me." They are talking themselves up.

This doesn't annoy me or turn me off from a girl. As I said, it is usually stated very casually and comes across as factual rather than arrogant or cocky. I've never thought "Wow, this girl is full of herself," or decided that I shouldn't hang out with her again because of it. In most instances I've just listened, and quitely acknowledged that the girl was trying to put her best foot forward. Yet in most cases, after getting to know her, I've been the one to end the relationship and she's been the one trying to hold on. And she's looked stupid because, after coming in with such an obvious "look how great I am" speech, she's been the one to walk away unwanted. When pride comes before the fall it makes you look stupid, even if it isn't your pride that causes the fall.

So next time you are on a first date and trying to impress, consider the following:

1. If you talk yourself up, you are likely to look foolish to the guys that you are most interested in impressing. If you are attracted to them, chances are that they will also turn out to be/do/have the things that you consider "impressive." After initially showing off, you may gradually start to realize that the guy you were showing off for is actually in the same league as you, if not one higher. The frame will flip. Your game will actually work against you, because you will end up looking pathetic for bragging about what (to him) isn't such a big deal.

2. A man will be infinitely more impressed by a girl that reveals herself gradually and naturally, than he will be by one that plays all of her best cards at the outset. Behaving this way is attractive because it demonstrates not only humility, but also security and depth of personality. As a man gradually and naturally learns about your strengths (for example, when they come up in the natural course of conversation, or when he asks you about them), he will get the subtle yet strong impression that you are "bottomless," and that you feel no need to impress him. He will be drawn into your depth and attracted by your confidence.

Who Pays On Dates?

When it comes to paying for dates, the rule is simple: always assume you are going to split the check, and offer to do so. If you wouldn't be willing to pay for your half of the date in order to spend time with a guy, then you shouldn't accept his invitation to go out in the first place. So the first part of keeping the financial side of dates simple is not accepting invitations from guys you aren't interested in.

In most cases, when you offer to pay for yourself, he will refuse. If he doesn't, remember that your assumption was that you were paying for yourself anyway. He is probably just as confused about whether or not he should insist on paying, as you are about whether or not you should offer. Some men think they will offend the woman by offering to pay (by suggesting that she couldn't). Others have probably heard advice saying that they shouldn't so that you won't think he is too interested in you.

When the check arrives or you approach the cashier, always reach for your money. This shouldn't be theatrics or an attempt to induce his offer to pick up the check. Remember, unless he tells you otherwise, assume that you are going to pay for your half and act accordingly. If you get your money out faster than he does or get to the cashier first, ask him "so do you want to just split it?" (i.e. divide it 50-50 rather than itemize). This way he knows you aren't trying to pay for the whole thing. Asking him "can I pay for my half?" before he offers to pay for your half sounds presumptuous because it implies that he was planning to pay for you, when he very well may not have been.

If he refuses your offer to pay for yourself, don't insist. This heightens the confusion for the guy (see above). It also isn't necessary. If he actually wants to split the check he will accept your offer the first time. If he refuses to let you pay, reply with a simple "are you sure?.... thank you" and leave it at that.

If you are short on money and can't afford to pay for yourself (e.g. for an expensive dinner), tell him this when he asks you out. Say something like "I'd really like to but I can't afford to [whatever the date is] right now. Could we go [somewhere else] instead?" (the key is suggesting an alternative). At this point he will probably clarify that he is picking up the check, so all you need to do is politely accept. If he doesn't offer, then you've just avoided an awkward situation in which the time to pay arrives and you don't have enough money to cover your part.

Never offer to pay for the whole date (i.e. pay for him and yourself) until you've been out several times, or received some kind of commitment from him. While it is a generous gesture, it could too easily be interpreted as an attempt to impress. If he sees that you want him badly, he will start to wonder in the back of his mind if he can do better. It might also come off as an assertion of your individuality, which will not impress him. This is something women like in men, not vice versa.

If he pays, make a point to say thank you. While failing to do so probably won't be the only factor in a guy's decision to ask you out again, it can definitely be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Don't fuck up your chances by omitting common courtesy.

In general, stop thinking about dates as formulaic "events" for which Hollywood has defined the normal course and etiquette. A date is nothing other than two people who are attracted to each other spending time together. Neither of you knows the other well enough to be sure that the investment of time and money will be worthwhile, so neither of you owes the other anything - let alone paying for the other.

How To Ask For Feedback From A Guy

In another post I advocated asking for feedback from a guy that breaks up with you. Here is how to go about doing it and what to say:

DISCLAIMER: This approach only works with men that have already demonstrated some degree of a sincere interest in you - guys that have shown good will towards you by taking you out, sharing a real conversation, being genuinely affectionate, etc. A guy that you had a one night stand with does not count. A guy that flirts with you all the time, was texting with you a bunch but then stopped and never took you out does not count. A guy that you only meet up with in bars or clubs does not count. You can only expect an honest answer from a guy that has already demonstrated honesty towards you in some form or another.

Wait long enough to make sure he isn't going to pursue you anymore. This will vary depending on the relationship, so you will have to gauge it yourself. There isn't a magic number of days or weeks after you hear from him last. In fact, you may even still be in touch with him regularly if you haven't made him initiate contact or haven't cut him off yet. You just need to be honest with yourself. This is most easily done by thinking: "if he was acting towards my friend the way he is acting towards me now, would I think he'd stopped pursuing her?" If the answer is yes, you're good to proceed.

Contact him. Yes, this is technically "initiating contact," but it is OK when you have already given up on the idea of a relationship with him (so make sure you really have - go back and repeat the step above if needed). The best methods of contacting him are as follows:

1. Text - This avoids awkwardness and allows you to lead him into the conversation gradually. See below. Also gives him time to think about what he will say.
2. Internet Chat - Basically the same as texting. Good for the same reasons.
3. E-mail - Use e-mail only if he is a conscientious/polite guy and you know he will answer, since e-mails are very easily ignored. If he will answer, e-mail has the advantage that it allows him time to really reflect.
4. Phone - Not a great option since he is likely to avoid your call or give you hasty answers. Not recommended.
5. In-Person - It is almost certain that you won't be able to get him to invest the time it would take for this (though it is a little more likely after long-term relationships). It is also awkward for both parties and forces rushed and therefore inaccurate responses. Not recommended.

I will assume for the rest of these points that you are using text, chat or e-mail. If the latter, you need to condense this "conversation" into written paragraphs. Try to keep it short, but make sure you convey the main points that I lay out below, with the exception of the lead-in.

Lead him into the conversation. Although guys will ultimately be willing to give you advice if you really want it, they will be extremely hesitant until you assure them that it is important to you and that you can handle whatever you tell them, no matter how harsh. Otherwise they will be worried about offending you. If it's been a while since you've been in touch, you will also need to make sure he realizes that this isn't an attempt to get another date or  re-initiate contact for relationship purposes. So you need to start with a message that (a) gets his attention and (b) communicates your openness. Prefacing a question by asking permission always indicates gravity and raises intrigue. So I see the conversation going something like this:

YOU: "Hey, can I ask you something?"

[If you don't get an answer try following up with "It quick, but important." Quick is the key word here.]

HIM: "Hey, yeah OK, what's up?"

YOU: "I'd like to get an outsider's view of what I am doing wrong with guys. I know its a weird thing to ask, but I feel like you would be pretty objective." [Note: not "your view" and not "what I did wrong with you"]

HIM: [probably no response, but if he gives you a negative answer, continue anyway with the following...]

YOU: "I need someone to be really honest with me. It's probably about time I heard it. You seem like a safe learning experience."

YOU: "And I swear I can take it. I only want the complete truth."

[Then you should throw out at least one example of something he would be unwilling to tell you for fear of crushing your ego. This will make him more comfortable with being honest, though it assumes that you are ready to accept whatever he throws out there.]

YOU: "Do I need to work out more? Maybe lighten up a little bit?"

HIM: [At this point he should give you some kind of response. Probably it will be positive. If you get nothing or a negative answer, be persistent: reiterate your need for the advice and that you can handle whatever he tells you.]

Encourage the conversation. If he gives you only one reason, try to elicit more with comments like "was there anything else?" followed by suggestions that you suspect may have influenced his decision, as well as a couple you don't. For example "are you sure I wasn't looking as good as than the night you met me?" or "was I too serious for a first date?" or "is it because I am not young enough?"

Don't belabor any single point. You really just need an overview, so don't try to dig for too much detail. Once you get the general idea of what he didn't like, move on. For example, if he says you weren't dressed well or wore too much makeup, don't ask what look he would have preferred or what would have been the perfect amount.

Don't object to anything. By asking for his unabashed advice, you are in no position to argue. And really, you shouldn't want to - you are merely collecting facts about his opinion. You can process them later. And while I would dissuade you from dismissing any of them, it won't get you anywhere to convince him that they aren't true.

Push past Mr. Nice Guy. If he starts giving you the typical bullshit about "we just didn't click" or "I didn't feel chemistry" it is only because he is not convinced you can handle an honest answer. So respond to those comments with reassurance that you can handle it, and tell him that you need concrete responses. Try this:

HIM: "I don't know, I just didn't feel it."

YOU: "Mike, I am not saying my feelings won't be hurt, but I need to hear the truth so that I can improve. I need to know the concrete things that were off. There must have been something."

[and if that doesn't work]

"Even if a lack of chemistry was the underlying reason, can you tell me some other way I could improve? I know I am not perfect." [Then throw in a few "tough" examples like you did at the outset, and assume that his answer is the real truth, not "chemistry" - because it is. Chemistry is just the cumulative effect of many small things; it isn't magic.]

Give him time to think about it. If he is still hesitating, and you've tried reassuring him that you can handle it, ask if he'd like some time to think about it. Be persistent about following up. Ask him if he needs "a few days," and then get in touch again in a few days.

You Always Go To The Gym. And You Like It.

Next time you are talking to a guy that you want to make a good impression on, do not mention anything about your infrequent gym attendance. Especially early in a relationship (first date, etc.), this is a great way to inspire his disinterest.

When working out or the gym comes up during a conversation with a girl I am attracted to, you can be sure that I am pay close attention to two things:

1. How often she works out
2. Why she works out

The reason for this is simple: I want to know that after I marry a girl, she will stay in shape, and I know that no woman can stay in shape without frequent exercise. While it isn't impossible for a woman to develop or improve her workout habits after marriage, I prefer to be conservative (read: cynical) in my expectations. I assume that if she isn't working out regularly now, she won't start. In fact, I take it a step further, because the truth is that even if she is working out now, she is likely to stop. I know that one of the primary drives for any young woman's workout habits is her desire to attract her future husband. Once "future" is out of the equation, I know that her gym membership will only remain active if she actually enjoys being fit. So I want to know that a girl is staying in shape for her own benefit and well-being, not just to get a husband. This is the kind of girl that will maintain her figure throughout a marriage, and stay healthy.

Not realizing my scrupulous attention to their comments, girls have told me on numerous occasions "I hate going to the gym" or "I try to go every other day, but I can never get motivated enough." What I hear in these cases is "I will be fat within 10 years." And while I do not rule them out completely for comments like this, they are using up virtually all of their leeway in one short statement.

On the other end of the spectrum, there have been a few girls that - again, probably not realizing how closely I was paying attention - have told me things like "I am addicted to working out. I actually get sort of depressed when I skip a day, it's bad..." or if I catch them on the phone right after their workout "I feel awesome right now, my arms are so sore" as I hear them blending a protein shake in the background. These are the kinds of girls that men with options are looking for.

So while you are actually fostering your workout habits, remember that as far as your conversations with attractive men are concerned: you always go to the gym, and you like it.

Don't Initiate Contact

I wrote a similar post about not initiating contact after a guy breaks up with you. This is somewhat related, but deals instead with the beginning of a relationship. The underlying principles, however, are the same...

Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.

This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)

If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.

A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:

1. Making herself as attractive as possible
2. Making herself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with her from the men that want to date her

While there is a lot to learn about the first part of female game (optimizing attractiveness), there is just as much to learn about the latter part (filtering). Filtering is necessary because the men that a woman wants to date are a subset of the men that want to have sex with her, and by making herself more attractive to potential boyfriends she also is making herself more attractive to all men. Because I needed to practice my skills in PowerPoint, I've illustrated this with a Venn diagram:

As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.

A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.

I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.

Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.


Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Don't Try to Be One of The Guys
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Romantic Happiness 

Don't Fuck on The First Date

You'd think that this one would be obvious, as hackneyed as the admonition is, but I’ve actually had some girls be genuinely surprised that we didn’t end up in a relationship after having sex with me on the first date. This "rule" is also a good springboard for addressing the general topic of female promiscuity, which has a huge impact on female attractiveness - whether or not it "should."

This is how it works: a lot of guys are looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, but most of us have also dated girls that have ultimately turned out to be less than what we were looking for. After weeks or months of effort, the relationship ends and although both parties may walk away having learned a few lessons, the time is largely wasted. It takes dozens of these attempts to meet someone that sparks a deep and genuine interest. Given those odds, and the amount of investment required to decide if any given female could be a girlfriend, fiancé or spouse, you can imagine the cynicism most men have going into a first date (I am continually surprised that I am not more cynical). If you couple this consideration with the intense pleasure of sexual intercourse, there is essentially zero chance that a man will refuse sex on a first date if he has the chance: sure, she could be “the one,” but statistically speaking, she probably won’t be, and it definitely isn’t worth turning down easy sex to find out.

Now, with that backdrop, when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us fuck on the first date it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

I completely understand and agree with the notion that women want sexual pleasure just as much as men, and I am aware that “giving it up” on the first date is not always giving it up so much as it is “getting it.” If that is your goal, then of course this is a different matter altogether and you are free to do that. But understand that it will not make you desirable to men. Men can do it and maintain (or sometimes increase) their attractiveness; women cannot. I acknowledge that this is holding women and men to a different standard, but in this case it is appropriate because men and women are different in this respect.

Men are built to be sexually promiscuous – or at least, we are built so that we can be sexually promiscuous. There is little risk for a man when it comes to sex: he doesn’t need to worry about pregnancy. Even if he is not using a condom, he can control when (and if not when, where) he ejaculates. As a last resort, he is able to walk away from the woman and leave her to deal with the pregnancy. This is a repulsive thing to do and no one denies this – probably not even the men who do it. But it can be done and it is done. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections have a significantly higher male-to-female transmission rate than they do from females to males, and the effects are worse for women than they are for men. There is also the factor of physical strength: if a woman goes to bed with a man she thinks she likes, she is far less able to then change her mind, for fear of rape. A man, on the other hand, has no such problems: sex for him is very low-risk. The result of this fact is that, historically, men have taken the offense in all matters sexual; we are the pursuers. Because we are more sexually liberated by nature, we seek sexual relationships more frequently. Historically the active role in relationships has fallen on our shoulders, while women have assumed the passive role. This is the case elsewhere in nature as well, for the same reasons.

It is only because Western culture in recent history has emphasized the equality of the sexes that some women see this dynamic in a negative light, and get upset about a double standard. The notion that a man should protect his wife and children, or that he should not abandon a woman he impregnates, or even that he should leave the toilet seat down when females are in the house; these notions are all rooted just as deeply in sexual differences, but because they don't place a burden on females, no objections are raised. Don’t get me wrong, if I were a woman I would be a little pissed off that sex was less socially acceptable for me than it is for a man. But there are balances to this phenomenon: women have far more opportunities to have sex than men, and thereby are able to have sex with higher quality partners. You won’t find many girls that have had sexual partners uglier than themselves, but you’ll find an endless list of guys that have – in fact, there is a contingent of men that usually only have sex with girls less attractive than themselves. This is a product of the same phenomenon: because men can have low-risk sex, women are far more in-demand for sexual relationships, and therefore have more and better options. Men may be able to get laid more often, or at least, with more partners; but women often get to sleep with men that are out of their league. It is a matter of quality versus quantity, and I think there is a lot to be said for both, to the point that I am not convinced that either one is an advantage – they are just corollaries of the same phenomenon.

A woman is judged negatively for having promiscuous sex because it takes no skill or effort on her part; all that is required is her assent. There will never be a deficit of sexually willing and attractive men from which she can select if she chooses. A man, on the other hand, has to work hard or be very lucky (or be rich, which is actually the product of the two) in order to get women of his own caliber into bed. This is because the women willing to have casual sex so are few(er) and far(ther) between. (Consider for a moment that no one respects a man who always sleeps with women that are way below his standards – everyone considers this repulsive.)

Some women will read all of this and think it is horrible and misogynist, while others will simply nod their heads in agreement. In fact, and perhaps unfortunately, which of those camps you fall into doesn't matter when it comes to the practical aspect of this phenomenon, because - opinions aside - the fact remains that men will judge you harshly for being too easy to sleep with. So the practical advice is simple: if you want a man to respect you, don't do it.


Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
2. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him
3. How to Turn Down a Guy For Sex
4. Men and Sexual Variety