Ugly Girls Don’t Exist

Every once in a while I get e-mails from girls who have clearly resigned themselves to a life of lovelessness because they think they are ugly. This post is for them.

I used to feel sorry for ugly girls. When you're a young guy who still feels completely in awe of beautiful women, it's easy to fall into thinking that the girls who don’t have a visual effect on you are incapable of enjoying the dating world. Female good looks were overwhelming to me at the time, so the girls without them mustn't have been able to get guys – or so my 22-year-old logic went, anyway.

This reasoning sustained some damage when I finally went out with some hot girls. Doing so made me realize that what my mom had been telling me for years was actually true: a girl's looks aren't everything. But this actually wasn't what put an end to my pity. That didn’t happen until I realized that, when you frame the situation correctly, there actually isn’t anyone to pity. Let me explain...

It's common knowledge that physical beauty in women consists mainly of signs of health, youth, and fertility. Wide hips are attractive because they are conducive to childbearing. Long, full, smooth hair is sexy because it shows that a woman has all the nutrients she needs to grow it. Big breasts are attractive because they emphasize a woman’s ability to feed her child. Tight skin and big eyes are attractive because they make a woman look young and therefore more capable of bearing healthy children.

This state of affairs isn’t a coincidence. It exists because, throughout human history, the men who happened to be attracted to signs of health, youth, and fertility were more likely to fuck healthy, young, and fertile women, and they were therefore more likely to pass on their fertility-attracted genetics to future generations. The dudes who happened to be attracted to some other set of traits in females ended up having sex with less-fertile women, and their genetics were never passed on – or at least, they were passed on less and less until they died out completely. Likewise, the infertile women (in other words, the unattractive women) – or the women attracted to impotent men – also failed to reproduce, and their genes were similarly drained from the gene pool.

Most of you have probably heard all of this before. What is interesting here isn’t so much the evolutionary narrative, it’s the corresponding implication: because the weakest and least-attractive genes died out long ago, and the strongest, healthiest, most attractive ones have persisted, the human race is getting perpetually more attractive.

Of course, you don't need the spiel on natural selection to realize this; just look at what we used to look like:

A Neanderthal Woman and Modern Woman
(Image from National Geographic)

Yes, that’s right, I am comparing you to cave women. But it is a legitimate comparison because it makes an important point: if you exist on the earth today, it is only because men, collectively, throughout human history, wanted to fuck you. The ones who didn’t died off millions of years ago, along with all of the “ugly” genes in both sexes. Everyone left is sexy.

It’s like the whole human race has been using Tinder for millions of years, and now we’re living in a world populated only by our matches. Except it’s even better because our matches didn’t just swipe us right because they were bored on the way to work; they actually voted for us by banging our ancestors – there’s no ambiguity about what they wanted. And sure, maybe you like some of your matches more than the others, and maybe some of your matches like others more than you; but there is no getting around the fact that your sexual attractiveness (or potential for it) was a prerequisite for your existence in the gene pool.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you are attractive just the way you are. It may well be that you need to lose some serious weight and learn how to dress well in order to make men realize that they want to bang you. But that is a good thing, because it means that you can lose some serious weight and learn how to dress well and men will realize that they want to bang you.

And of course, there will always be “least hot,” “hotter” and “hottest.” Our minds have evolved to care about that, but the interesting thing is that men’s penises have not. I’ve talked about this with many guy friends many times, and we all agree that, when we are horny, we are willing to fuck about 50 % of women under the age of 60. And this considers even the women who don’t make an effort – imagine how high that number would be if everyone did.

Neither am I saying that every woman has an inherent capability to lock down a top-shelf dude. There are a lot of things other than looks that matter in dating and relationships, and there is a lot more to life than getting sexual attention from men. But what I am saying is that every woman who thinks she’s “just ugly” or somehow “unfuckable” is flat-out wrong. You are on this earth today because you have the ability to give men a boner. End of story.

This is a pretty important point – important enough that I made it in one of my earliest posts a few years ago. I drew the conclusion then that no girl needs to be below a 5 on the 10-point scale. And I stand by that. To borrow from what I said there:

...the time and effort you put into your appearance will produce results. Do not worry if your gut tells you otherwise; your gut is informed by beauty pageants and "100 Hottest Women" lists, and a thousand other influences that both reinforce and reflect the notion that beauty is a matter of winning the genetic gene pool - i.e. a matter of 'haves' vs. 'have-nots.' This notion is bullshit...no girl needs to be less than a five on the ten scale...If you present yourself well and get in great shape, you will be above average. And for those of you that are naturally about average, the sky's your limit.

I realize this message probably doesn’t apply to most of my readers. If you are reading websites like this, you haven’t given up hope. You know or at least suspect that there are things you can do to improve the quality and quantity of attention you get from men. So this message isn’t necessarily for you. But you probably know other girls who have given up. Maybe you have a friend who thinks she’s inherently unattractive or that she’s destined to be single her whole life because men don't want to fuck her.

The next time that conversation comes up with her (or even if it doesn’t), remind her of what I've said here. Remind her that hope should never be lost. Better yet, remind her that hope should never be necessary. You don't need hope when you're a winner in the genetic Olympics; you just need motivation. And a damn good way for her to get motivated is to recognize the truth: that with a little effort, being sexually attractive is well within her reach.


Related Posts
1. Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable
2. You Can Control How Attractive You Are
3. Should You Focus on Your Looks or Personality More?

Ten Ways to Improve Your Skin

The effects of UV radiation (sunlight). See item #1 for an explanation.

I am at the age where my skin is starting to showing initial signs of aging. So in the last year or so, I've done some research on skin care. The lessons I've learned apply just as much to women as they do to men, so I want to share them here. Some of these points will be obvious to some readers, but they will be news to others - as they were to me. Full, vibrant, healthy skin is the primary sign of a your youth, and your youth plays a big role in your physical attractiveness. Whether consciously or subconsciously, men notice your skin; so take care of it.

1. Wear a daily moisturizer with sunblock. Wearing sunblock daily should be something you do as regularly as brushing your teeth. Get into the habit of realizing that when you walk out into the daylight without protection, your skin is being abused and bombarded with UV radiation - even when it is cloudy (clouds don't block UVA light).

If it is difficult to recognize the severity of this effect, take a look at the picture here of William McElligott, a 66-year-old truck driver, who didn't wear sunblock. He spent 28 years on the job. While driving, half of his face was shaded from the sun by the cab of his truck, which reduced the effects of UV radiation. The effect is obvious. Imagine your face looking like his (but on both sides) every time you go outside, and you will probably find yourself motivated to start wearing daily moisturizer with sunblock.

SPF 15 should be enough for most people (use a higher SPF is you spend more time outside than average). Note that it is also worth getting a daily moisturizer that has anti-oxidants such as green tea and cucumber extracts, vitamins C and E.

(I shouldn't need to mention that tanning beds are the devil. By tanning, you are seeking out the skin abuse described above and merely trading a nice but temporary skin tone now for premature aging later in life - and possibly cancer.)

2. Use Retinol, which is a form of Vitamin A. It essentially tells your skin to act and look younger. It is the drugstore version of the FDA-approved anti-wrinkle compounds often prescribed for aging skin and wrinkle treatment (retinoids). Make sure retinol is an ingredient in the anti-ageing or tone-correcting serums you use. Neutrogena makes a great fragrance-free and oil-free option: Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle Night Cream. (Don't worry if your skin feels dry or a tad flaky for the first few weeks of use - it will wear off.) You can find more information about Retinol here.

3. Wear facial moisturizer while you sleep. This will lock in moisture, which will be used to repair your skin while you sleep. There are special types for night use, but the general rule of thumb is that you should use a thicker cream if you have drier skin, while those with oily or acne-prone skin should use a lotion or gel. Try CeraVe PM or Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel.

4. Wash your pillowcases frequently, at least every time you do a load of laundry. Your pillow case accumulates dirt from your hair, face, hands, and even from the air (dust). This is all transferred straight to your face every time you lay your head down at night. Get two sets of pillowcases and get in the habit of putting the fresh ones on every time you take a load out of the dryer

5. Pad your face dry after you shower or, even better, let it air-dry. Don't scrub your face dry with the towel the way you dry the rest of your body, as this will irritate the newly washed skin and push bacteria into your pores.

6. Use lukewarm water to wash your face, even in the shower. When water is too hot or too cold it shocks your skin and can cause capillaries to rupture. This brings with it discoloration, which is unattractive.

7. Choose your soap/cleanser carefully. Soaps dissolve dirt, but in the process remove the oils that your skin produces to protect itself. The ingredients that hold most bar soaps together also clog your pores, and the added fragrances can be irritating. Many people are still accustomed to using bar soaps, and remain victim to the heavy marketing of their favorite soap's scent (they can't feel clean without it). Don't follow their lead. Choose a fragrance-free and sulfate-free cleanser, such as CeraVe or Cetaphil foaming face wash - particularly for use on your face. These will clean without the loss of oils and irritation.

8. Exfoliate with caution. While exfoliating scrubs are praised (and heavily marketed) as giving a deep clean, your skin doesn't need a deep clean every day. When you use exfoliating scrubs, you are using abrasion to remove impurities and dead skin; but in the meantime, the abrasive particles cause damage to the healthy skin underneath. You are effectively putting thousands of tiny scratches on your face - removing the bad stuff, but also creating potential sites for infection. Pay particular attention to #5 and #4 when you are exfoliating, and moisturize immediately afterwards  Note that scrubs with polyurethane beads, (round, plastic, smooth ones) will not tear skin and are fine for use as an exfoliant. There are also chemical exfoliants available that have anti-aging properties.

9. Wash your towels frequently. Just like your pillowcase, your towel accumulates dirt. When you touch it to your face, especially right after washing it, you are infecting your open pores with bacteria.

10. Moisturize immediately after washing your face or showering. You know that "dry" feeling you get after standing in front of the mirror for a few minutes after showering, especially in the winter when the weather is cold and dry? That is the feeling of the immediate evaporation of moisture due to the lack of oils in your skin. Shorter showers with lukewarm water will prevent this, but you should also apply moisturizer immediately to your still-damp skin after getting out of the shower. This will lock in the moisture.

Thanks to reader and medical esthetics student Laura Payne for her help in adding some depth to these points for me, as well as the product recommendations. Check out her work here: (Blog) (Twitter) (YouTube)


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Hair
2. Your Skin Color Matters
3. One Way to Improve Your Look

Are Manicures Worth It?

Last year, two of my female cousins were in town, staying with me for a wedding we were all attending. When they arrived, they told me they had to find a place nearby to get manicures and pedicures. Since they'd only just arrived, but the salons would be closing soon, they invited me to come with them so we could catch up. "You can get your nails done with us" they suggested.

I'm mildly homophobic, so I balked a little; but I'd heard of straight guys getting them before, and I was also curious to see what these "manicure" things were all about. Eventually I decided that there had to be some boundaries, so I accepted their invitation but insisted on leaving my feet untouched - no pedicure, because that would be gay (ha!).

Now, I understand that some women get their nails painted with fairly ornate patterns at nail salons, others have fake nails applied very carefully, and I am sure there are some other practical reasons for a trip to the salon. And don't get me wrong - the hand massage was awesome and I got to catch up with my cousins while we were sitting there. But as I looked at my nails after the manicure was finished, I struggled to see any significant difference from how they would have looked if I'd spent ten minutes on them myself. And in that moment, I realized something: women do not go to nail salons to have their nails cleaned; you go to nail salons to be pampered. Lesson learned.

So are manicures worth it? Should you go to the salon before going out every weekend? Well, I can tell you with certainty that a manicure won't help you attract men any more than spending a few minutes clipping your nails an cuticles by yourself, and maybe painting your nails (which adds a nice effect when it is done tastefully, by the way). But if you think it is worth it to get your hands oiled and massaged, and to sit back and relax while small Vietnamese women attend to your every need, I say go for it. I get it. I'm not judging.


Related Posts
1. Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable
2. The Importance of Heels
3. The Importance of Hair
4. How To Avoid Looking Fake

An Interesting Hair Experiment...

I want you to help me conduct an experiment.

For a couple of years now I've realized just how much I am attracted to the hairstyle that most women call "half-up, half-down" or more simply, "half-up." Whatever it is called, I love it when girls wear their hair the way the women in these pictures are wearing it. It is extremely sexy and elegant at the same time, and immediately draws me to a woman. It is almost uncanny how much it affects my judgement of a woman's appearance. I find myself checking out bigger girls who are wearing their hair that way, or losing interest in (previously) attractive women once they change from that hairstyle to another, or else staring at a picture of a normal girl, not understanding why I am attracted, only to eventually realize that her hair is half-up.

I've thought a lot about why I like it so much, but nothing makes sense. I've never dated a girl who wore it that way often, or even had a crush on one who did. My mom or sisters never really wore their hair like that, my babysitters didn't, my teachers didn't - no one did. The only semi-believable reason I can think of is that some of the female Disney characters (who for most men my age were the first icons of female beauty) wore their hair like that, and maybe left an impression on me; though I don't remember being particularly attracted to one more than any of the others. It isn't an overly popular hairstyle in the United States. In fact, it is practically never worn in comparison to, say, Turkey and Italy or Lebanon (and probably other Mediterranean countries), where it is extremely popular.*

In any case, this has puzzled me enough that I've started asking my male friends what they think about this hairstyle; and I've been surprised to hear how much they agree that it is really attractive. In other words, maybe it isn't just my personal taste.



So here is what I would like you to do: the next time you go out, wear your hair in some variation of the "half-up" style depicted here, especially if it is not a style you usually wear. Go out like you normally would and pay attention to what happens. Then, in the comments of this post, report your findings. Let me know what comments you receive - positive or negative - and let me know if you had more or less (and better or worse) attention from men. You can also comment on the type of men if you notice a trend. Get your girlfriends to do the same on another night (so that you aren't all wearing the same hairstyle - awkward) and see how it works for them, or have them leave their own comments.

As motivation, here are some thoughts about how participating in this experiment could benefit you:

1. You might discover a hairstyle that looks good on you.
2. I've been told it is an "easy" hairstyle to make and wear.
3. By taking a fashion risk, you will better understand what hairstyles look good on you.
4. You will expand your comfort zone, and therefore your confidence.
5. Because this hairstyle is not very popular in the countries that most of my readers are from, you will most likely stand out from other girls - in a good way.
6. You will contribute to the pool of knowledge about what men like.

I'll look forward to seeing the results.

_______________________________

* The fact that all of these countries are more sexually polarized than the United States is another hint at what I suspect might be the reason why men find it so attractive.

Related Posts:

1. The Importance of Hair

2. How to Improve Your Hair

3. Hair and Makeup Variety

The Importance of Hair

Other than your physical fitness, your hair is the most important controllable aspect of your physical attractiveness. Most women know this. I am not a hair stylist, so others can give you much better advice than I about how to make your hair look its best.

However, it is worth underscoring just how critical good hair is to a woman's appearance. Rather than do this by compounding adjectives or superlatives, I want to recount the moment when I learned this for myself.

I had spent the night at my (now ex-) girlfriend's house and she was getting ready for work in the morning. She went into the bathroom to do whatever it is girls do to get ready. After a while, she came back into the room, looking gorgeous. I distinctly remember being turned on to the point that I  wanted to throw her back into bed. Actually, I maybe may well have; I don't remember now. But what I do remember was the epiphany that accompanied the following exchange:

"Did you do your make-up differently this morning?" I asked.

"My make-up?"

"Yeah, your make-up. It looks hot as shit, but something looks different for some reason. It's a more natural look or something. I really like it."

"I'm not wearing any make-up."

"Wait... what?" I asked, confused. "But you look...  wait, really? So what were you doing in the bathroom all this time?" I was scrutinizing her while saying all of this, and slowly became convinced that she really wasn't wearing any make-up.

"I was doing my hair." She answered. As soon as she said it I could see that it was her hair that was making her look so radiant. She'd washed it, straightened it, brushed it and pinned it half-up.

No one doubts how much makeup can improve your look. Hair matters more: don't underestimate the importance of grooming.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Hair
2. Hair and Makeup Variety
3. How to Avoid Looking "Fake"
4. An Interesting Hair Experiment...

Sexy Versus Cute

Taylor Swift

Some girls have expressed their disappointment when I've told them that they look "cute" rather than "sexy" or "hot." I used to respond to their reaction by claiming that it was unwarranted. After all, cute is still attractive. But in the back of my mind I knew that my compliment was mildly backhanded, even though it was never my intention.

To one degree or another, all women want to turn heads and make men's jaws hit the floor; and they know that "cute" doesn't elicit this kind of reaction. But growing up, most girls are not given the freedom to dress or act in a provocative manner, so they don't get to "practice" looking sexy. This is compounded by the fact that most parents have somewhat outdated ideas of modesty, in the midst of a trend towards sexually explicit fashions. Because girls grow up dressing cute, they become comfortable in the types of clothes, hairstyles and makeup that create a cute look. Ultimately this means that your average girl is only just learning how to pull off "sexy" when her desire to do so is strongest (i.e. in her twenties). This lack of experience, coupled with her desire to look hot, can lead to a crippling unwillingness to take the risks that are so necessary to mastering sexiness (or any new look, for that matter).

However, both looks can be achieved by any woman. Just because you are short or have dimples does not mean you cannot be sexy, in the same way that height or sharply shaped eyebrows don't preclude the possibility of looking cute. The main difference is that it takes more risk, confidence and experience to pull off a sexy look. Risk is a matter of your own will, and confidence follows from risk - as does experience.

Let's consider the characteristics of both looks. I've made a list of associations that I have for the two styles:

Sexy:
Confident, serious, poised, seductive, postured, tight (clothes), mature, aloof, gorgeous, sexual, selective, sharp, directed, closed, pretentious, shrewd, desirous, hungry, dark, cat, fox

Cute:
Innocent, light-hearted, wide-eyed, adorable, affectionate, eager, naive, young, youthful, joyful, pretty, animated, open, trusting, candid, colorful, kitten

The "cute" associations are predictably child-like. The "sexy" associations are almost predatory, and certainly they point towards a very confident sexuality. Notice how in both pairs of pictures I've posted, the sexy woman's gaze is piercing - calm, confident and provocative. As I've said before, your style is projected much more by your personality and demeanor than by your clothes. You can probably imagine a sexy woman dressed in cute clothes, or vice-versa (imagine the cute Megan Fox on the right holding herself like and making the same expression as the sexy Megan Fox on the left - it would still be sexy, even without the tight dress and wild hair).  In order to achieve that look, you must adopt the associated personality characteristics. Once the mindset exists, the clothes follow naturally, or at least easily.

Megan Fox

As in most cases, feigning the mindset can help you to obtain it. You need to "fake it 'til you make it." By wearing sexy clothes even when you don't think you can pull them off (taking risks), you will realize that, actually, you can and do pull them off. This is because, in most instances, your insecurities about what you are incapable of wearing are unfounded. Once you try them and see that they work, your confidence will spike, and you can then repeat the process.

I routinely see very concrete things that sexy girls are doing or wearing, but cute girls are not. The cute girls are the same ones who want to look sexy but don't, the same ones that are dismayed by my "cute" compliments. There isn't some kind of natural inability holding them back; it is their state of mind, and then also (following from their mindset) their presentation:

• They aren't showing off their body by wearing tight clothes; they wear flowing clothes that mask their feminine form
• They aren't wearing fashionable clothes (though this isn't always what will make you look best, you also shouldn't usually be trying to emulate your mother's dress sense)
• They aren't wearing high heels regularly
• They aren't standing up straight
• They don't use makeup enough (of course there is such a thing as "too much," but there is also such a thing as "not enough")
• They don't wear matching underwear or lingerie
• etc.

Of course, you will only realize that you can pull off heels, or a tight dress, or a certain hairstyle if you do pull it off. So you need to put thought into what you are attempting. If you are overweight, a tiny cocktail dress probably isn't for you - though I'd actually be liberal about making this decision (tighter = hotter even for girls that are slightly overweight). So don't start buying hooker outfits arbitrarily, assuming that they will make you sexy; make sure it works with your natural look (notice I did not say personality).

If you are honest enough with yourself to admit that you aren't comfortable wearing heels or tight dresses, or certain types of makeup, then you are already ahead of the game (most girls simply make excuses about attracting the wrong kind of attention). You just need to take a step outside yourself for a moment, and acknowledge that there is no real impediment to you pulling off "sexy" any more than there is for the thousands of girls who regularly do so. While you might have a mental block against the idea of you being "sexy," I challenge you to list concrete things that make you different from the women that dress and act that way - and I am not only talking about celebrities like Megan Fox and Taylor Swift. I am talking about normal girls that you see out in nightclubs or bars, at work or in the mall. Chances are you have seen women who are less attractive than you (or fatter or older) doing it successfully. If they can do it, so can you.

One final note: there are very few women that are purely sexy or purely cute. Most are some mix of the two. Megan Fox almost always looks sexy and Taylor Swift almost always looks cute (which is why I used them as examples here). What is powerful about these two women is that they both clearly have the ability to pull off both looks if they want to; what is unfortunate is that neither of them do so very often (at least in the public eye). While being a mix of sexy and cute is better than being only one or the other, the ideal is having the ability to be completely one or the other at will. Since cute is easier to achieve, most women need to focus on building their confidence to look sexy.

How To Look Good During Sex

It has often been said that women are turned on by what they feel, while men are turned on by what they see. There is a lot of truth to this. Of course it may not be so black-and-white; probably men are aroused by what they see only in proportion to how masculine they are, and women by what they feel in proportion to their femininity. But whatever the case, men are primarily aroused by what they see. While certain moves, positions or behaviors also play a role in arousing a man during sex, visual stimulation is the most important yet most frequently overlooked aspect of a woman's sexual performance. In addition to making yourself as attractive as possible by using non-bedroom techniques such as working out, doing your hair, etc. the following list of things should help to catch his eye. I've been careful not to list things that some guys like and others don't - this list should only be the things that apply to the vast majority of men.

1. Leave the lights on, at least enough so that he can see the form of your body, your hair, etc. Without light, nothing else on this list will be as effective. Dimmed is probably better than leaving them full-on, but darkness is not sexy at all to a man.

2. Arch your back. This is the single most potent bedroom posture a woman can assume. Most women do this naturally during heightened sexual pleasure, and he becomes more aroused by seeing you aroused. Do it regardless of being face down, face up, or on your side.

3. Point your feet down as if you were standing in high heels. I haven't figured out why this is sexy yet, but rest assured: it is. Do this when you are lying on your back with your feet in the air, crawling across the bed, or in any other situation in which your feet are free. Consider leaving your heels on during sex, as it assists and heightens effect.

4. Throw your head back. This is also done naturally during heightened sexual pleasure. Combine with #2 and #3. Also try turning your head to the side, as if the pleasure is too intense to look directly at him. In addition to demonstrating your pleasure, both of these actions slightly contort and accentuate the neck, one of the most delicate and feminine parts of a woman's body. Close your eyes or it will seem unnatural.

5. Wear matching underwear. This makes you more comparable to the supermodels he fantasizes about routinely, and generally looks a lot better on you (models do it for a reason). Simple colors and types of underwear are perfectly acceptable. Also, let him initiate the removal of your underwear. I am usually disappointed when a woman takes hers off too soon. It looks sexy and I don't get to see it very often, so I want to enjoy it for a minute before I rip it off.

6. Don't pull his upper body down towards you during missionary or similar positions (e.g. to make out or hold him while he penetrates you). This will prevent him from watching himself enter you, which is hugely erotic.

7. Put your arms above your head. This widens the upper portion of your body, accentuating the relatively small width of your waist and bringing out your curves. A small hip-to-waist ratio is extremely sexy to men, and by doing this you give yourself more of an hourglass shape. This is also an open posture - one which uncovers and "opens" the vulnerable front of your body, indicating your gift of yourself to him, and therefore your trust and love. This openness establishes a much deeper connection, which has all kinds of benefits, but is also sexual. The picture below (on top) illustrates the accentuation of the waist, while the photo below (on the bottom) shows a more natural instance of the posture. (Also see the right-most picture under #2.)

8. Make your movements slow, sexy and constant. The general idea is that you are slowly but continually moving in rhythm with and response to his sexual lead - in a sense, "flowing." The movement is something like squirming, but in a slower, more sensual (rather than uncomfortable) way. He will be turned on by watching you respond to the pleasure he is creating in you. The video linked in the postscript illustrates this best.

In some instances, the things above will feel strange and require a little acting on your part; but over time they will become your natural response to pleasure. In addition, it is likely to be self-fulfilling acting, since by doing so you will arouse him, and his resulting lust for you will ultimately arouse you more. If these things aren't natural for you, I suggest that you try to implement only one at a time, otherwise you will likely disengage from the sex itself by focusing too much about your body. It shouldn't be too forced.

You Can Control How Attractive You Are

I already have a fairly lengthy post making this point, but I am not convinced I made it strongly enough. I want to present it again in another medium, namely, photos.

Example one:

Notice the difference between Scarlett Johansson's attractiveness in the two photos above. The contrast is impressive. On the left, where she is dressed the way many American college girls dress for their morning classes, I'd say she is about 5, and I am probably padding that number just because I know she is a celebrity and can look the way she does on the right, where she is close to a 10. The only uncontrollable element of Scarlett Johansson's attractiveness between the two photos is the lighting, which counts for very little. Same girl, different level of attention paid to her appearance, dramatically different result.

It is true, of course, that Scarlett Johansson has professionals working with her to help her look this good. However, I could not disagree more that cosmetologists make a difference in excess of what any girl can do for herself, assuming she is willing to invest the time and effort to learn how. And I don't think the amount of time or effort required is as large as you might think. Cosmetologists are professionals only because they know how to make any woman attractive. They know the principles and are experts at applying them quickly for a variety of people. But you only need to become an expert on one person - yourself - and this is significantly easier.

Here is another example, less extreme but still telling:

On the left, Jenna Fischer is about a 5, maybe a 5.5. On the right, she is a 7.5. The difference is in her hair, posture, makeup and the color of her clothes. If she wore better clothes still I think she could get up to an 8.5, but she rarely does, judging from the photos I could find online.

Another example:

On the left, Carrie Underwood is a solid 7. On the right, she is a 9.5. In this case, the discrepancy has a lot to do with wearing her best colors getting the right amount of contrast, her hair, eyebrow shape and the hoop earrings. I'd argue that Carrie Underwood has maximized her attractiveness in the right photo. Nakedness, heels and lingerie might bump it up a notch, but otherwise she is playing all the right cards.

Here is a a non-celebrity example:

I don't know who the girl is, but on the left, she is about a 3. On the right, I'd say she is a 5. In this case, most of the change comes from hair length (yes, she is probably wearing extensions, but eventually she could grow it), plucked eyebrows, better clothes and a little makeup. By losing weight, spending more time on her hair and choosing her clothes even more carefully, she has potential to be a 7 maybe even an 8. You wouldn't believe this by looking at the photo on the left, but it is much more obvious once the improvements have been started.

Here is Kate Gosselin:

Left: 2; center: 4; right: 7.5. That is an overall increase of 5.5 points, largely accounted for by hair length, clothes and most importantly, weight loss (apparently a tummy tuck too, but she did have sextuplets... I call it fair). I don't know if she could look much better, but she'd done a damn good job leveraging what she has to work with.

If you want to see more examples, try using the term "makeover before and after" in an image search, or search for pictures of celebrities without makeup. You might argue that all of the women above have pretty faces, so they all have some initial potential to be attractive. There is some truth to this, namely, that they have the potential to be more attractive; but it does not mean that a girl with an asymmetric face, enormous nose or irreparably crooked teeth is doomed to be ugly. I've seen pretty girls that match all of those descriptions. True, a girl like this probably can't become as attractive as Carrie Underwood, or maybe even Kate Gosselin. However, the ability to improve her look is still there; she will just have to focus on the other aspects of feminine beauty to make that improvement, and there are many to choose from. The main reason I didn't put up photos to demonstrate this is that I couldn't find any. Most of the "before-and-after" photos on the internet are of famous people, and most famous people have attractive faces. But consider Lady Gaga or Paris Hilton: neither of them have pretty faces, but both of them (can) look attractive. Also, consider this woman:

Although she actually has a decent facial structure, a lot of people would say that she has an ugly face if they only saw the left photo. But on the right, when the same face is presented well, it is clear that the problem is not facial structure, but rather, presentation. So be careful about assuming you have a bad face. Most likely you do not, and even even if you do, there is still a lot you can do to improve your look.

Anyway, the ultimate point, again, is that no one has to be ugly. By making an effort, you can drastically improve your appearance and attractiveness, and in many instances, girls can transition from "ugly" to attractive. And while you may think you have optimized your own look, it is unlikely that you have. Think carefully about your weight, the color and cut of your clothes, your hair style, grooming, makeup, posture, etc. All of these things can make a huge difference, and can be leveraged to increase you attractiveness.

Feminine Beauty Is Highly Controllable

Advice abounds for women looking to score a guy, and some sources actually have solid suggestions. But while these sources tell women all kinds of strategies for being approachable or meeting new people, none of them address the most important matter: appearance. A number of the articles I've read have promising titles or sub-titles, but they qualify the initial admonition to "look good" with so many caveats and clarifications that by the end they've essentially told the reader to "be herself" - which is nothing more than a waste of her time.

The topic is avoided because women do not realize how controllable their appearance is. This is understandable, because if female beauty were not controllable, telling a woman she could attract more men if she would just improve her looks would be no more useful than suggesting a paraplegic man "just" learn how to dunk a basketball to impress women. On top of providing no worthwhile advice, it would serve as a painful reminder of her inadequacies. However, the notion that a woman's attractiveness is anything less than highly controllable is patently false.

Time and time again, I see the same thing: the women who aren't getting attention from men fall almost entirely into two categories:

1. Women that are unfit
2. Women that do not present themselves well

Hopefully you noticed something important about this list: it does not include women who have "ugly" faces, or even deformities. Obviously, natural good looks cannot be overlooked, but they are given far more credit than they deserve. It is the height of hyperbole - you might even say a myth - that women are either born attractive or not.

To drive this point home, I spent entirely too much time identifying the various components of feminine beauty and quantifying the importance of each one. The result of this effort is shown in the table below. (By clicking on the table or pie charts you can enlarge them.)

Notes about how I generated the numbers in the table can be found here.

• The 'Importance' percentages simply indicate how much each aspect listed matters to a woman's overall appearance. They collectively add up to 100 %, so they can be literally interpreted as a percentage of overall beauty.
• The 'Controllability' rankings indicate the amount of control a woman has over the various aspects of her appearance. 0 % represents completely uncontrollable aspects of beauty, while 100 % represents those that are completely controllable. Some items in the table are 0 % controllable to most people, but 100 % controllable to others (for example, breast size and facial structure are both alterable in extreme cases by plastic surgery). The controllability ratings for these items are a guess at the average between those extremes, based on the frequency of occurrence. Or, for example, even though a girl can't change her bone structure, 'height' is rated at a nominal 8 % because there is a small amount of controllability with the size of heels a girl chooses to wear.
• The 'Attention Deserved' is an index that is calculated by multiplying the Importance by the Controllability, and dividing the product by the collective sum of these products. This can be reasonably interpreted as the percentage of the total time spent on her appearance a girl should devote to each item in need of attention. So a girl that is overweight would be justified in spending 72 % of her time (that is, the time that she invests in her appearance) only on losing weight; or a girl whose clothes don't usually complement her complexion would be smart to spend 8 % of the time she invests in her appearance on shopping for clothes that work well with her look (or on earning extra money for that specific purpose). Obviously, no one is going to count the minutes or hours. The point, though, is that some things are worth spending more time on than others. Don't waste your time worrying about your eyelashes (1 %) when you are overweight (42 %) - go to the gym.

I've also put the data into a few pie charts. This is what you should care about (Importance Rating):

Components of Feminine Beauty by Importance Rating

This is what you should spend your time on (Attention Deserved):

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

Now, even though I have gone to rigorous ends to elicit these ratings from the recesses of my mind, obviously they are still relative to my personal taste. That being said, while men will all disagree over the minutiae of female beauty, few will disagree with the important aspects. This post should give you a solid idea of what matters to most guys, and how much.

While the numbers speak for themselves, I want to highlight one main point: notice how controllable the most important aspects of female beauty are. To wit:

• 18 % of feminine beauty is more than 100 % controllable. This means that if a girl is not opting to do these things, she is missing out on 1.8 points out of ten due to ignorance or a personal decision. Included in this 18 % are simple things like wearing heels and jewelry or removing excess body hair.
• 63 % of feminine beauty is more than 80 % controllable. This is the driving point behind this "analysis," expressed numerically. If you take nothing else away from this post, remember this. It means that you are in control of your appearance far more than you think. It means that the time and effort you put into your appearance will produce results. Do not worry if your gut tells you otherwise; your gut is informed by beauty pageants and "100 Hottest Women" lists, and a thousand other influences that both reinforce and reflect the notion that beauty is a matter of winning the genetic gene pool - i.e. a matter of 'haves' vs. 'have-nots.' This notion is bullshit. That 63 % of beauty is at least 80 % controllable means that no girl needs to be less than a five on the ten scale (0.80 x 63 % = 5.0). If you present yourself well and get in great shape, you will be above average. And for those of you that are naturally about average, the sky's your limit.
• Only 32 % of feminine beauty is less than 30 % controllable. In other words, there is very little about your appearance that cannot be improved.

One final pie chart to summarize these three points:

Far too many women fail to recognize the leverage they have over their own appearance. This leverage translates directly into control over the ability to attract men.

For photos of women improving their appearance, check out this post.

All Men Have Different Taste

I am strongly convinced that it does more harm than good to give a compliment when it isn’t deserved, or to give handouts that haven’t been earned. So I wouldn’t write this post if I didn’t honestly believe every word of it. I am not trying to tell ugly girls that they have a chance with Gerard Butler, or suggest that fat women don’t need to hit the gym and diet like their life depends on it, but I am also not interested in watching a perfectly attractive girl despair when she gets rejected or called unattractive by a guy she likes.

The fact is this: all men have different tastes, and the variety of tastes is surprisingly large. I could summarize this whole post by saying that my experience has shown the standard deviation of men's ratings of women on a 10 point scale to be ± 25 %, but since most women don’t like getting information in such cold and concrete terms, I will do my best to elaborate.

While every man wants a “beautiful” woman, no two men have the same idea of beauty, and the variety of taste among men will surprise most women. I am friends with some very good-looking, intelligent and accomplished guys – in other words, guys with options when it comes to selecting women. When we go out and one of us sees someone he likes, he will usually point her out to the rest of us. Invariably, we disagree about how attractive the girl is. Only rarely do two or more of us agree that she is very attractive (above an 8). More often than not, one of us thinks she is drop-dead gorgeous and the rest think she is mediocre at best. I cannot count the times I have had this conversation:

“Dude, you see that girl over there?”

“Which one, the girl in red? Yeah she is cute. I think I…”

“No, no, the one further back, in the blue dress and heels, the brunette. That girl for me is at least a 9.  I gotta go talk to her.”

“In the blue?? Dude, no way man, I’d say she’s a 6 or 6.5 at best. I like her friend though.”

“Alright, well that works for me, let’s go talk to them, I call the blue girl.”

“Haha you can have her, I got the cute friend.”

We tend to think of physical attractiveness as an absolute thing. This tendency is reflected (and reinforced) by Miss Universe-type pageants and lists bearing titles like “Hottest Women of 2010,” which suggest that attractiveness is highly objective. However, it clearly is not this black-and-white – any guy can tell you this after watching one of these pageants or looking at the girls on the lists; no man agrees with the rankings. The women that appeal most to any given man are those with a look that resonates with him personally, and the factors determining a man’s “type” are innumerable, which leads to an extremely varied concept of feminine beauty. This is an extremely good thing for men because it means we aren’t all competing for the same women, which would mean an order of magnitude more bar fights – probably wars too. I suspect the same variety exists for women’s taste in men, but I haven’t asked around enough to know if this is true.

I’ve also found that when I agree with a friend that a girl is extremely attractive, her attractiveness tends to lose its initial effect quickly. The same thing happens all the time with music. The catchiest songs, the ones that appeal to a large number of people, are the ones that you grow tired of most quickly, while the ones that you end up listening to ten years later are the ones that were more unique to your personal taste, and took some time to appreciate.

The upshot is that a girl should not get discouraged if a specific man isn’t drooling over her; there are probably other guys that will – or would, anyway, if she presented herself at her best.

It is worth noting that this variety of taste applies primarily to a girl’s style, ethnicity, dress style, or complexion – most of which are interrelated in some way. It applies to a lesser degree when it comes to body type and age, but there is a surprising variety in taste there as well.