The Importance of Silence After a Break Up

If you've been reading this blog for any time now, you are familiar with the idea of cutting off a man after he breaks up with you. I want to explain a little more systematically the reasons why this is important. Keep in mind that by "break up" I mean any situation in which a man makes it clear that he is no longer interested in pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship with you: not calling after he gets your number, fading out after sex or a few dates, or explicitly ending a long term relationship. In any of these situations, cutting him off completely will accomplish five things:

1. It will show him that you are a woman of high value. It will demonstrate that you are a woman who isn't desperate or needy - a woman who can live without him (because you can). Men find this attractive in a woman. Although this demonstration is unlikely to increase his attraction for you enough to make him change his decision, you will avoid confirming him in his decision by showing him that you are needy, pathetic and desperate - all of which are obvious symptoms of being below his league.
2. It will show him what he is missing by way of contrast. By forcing him to experience life with you, and then suddenly without you (in other words, before and after the break up), you will emphasize whatever feelings he has as a result of his decision. First he has you, then he doesn't. The starker that contrast is, the more he will feel your absence, and the more likely it is that he will miss you and want you back. Again, it is unlikely that this effect will be enough to make him change his mind, but in some instances it will be. (Note: it is also possible that cutting him off will show him how much he doesn't miss you, but if this is this case then there is nothing you can gain by contacting him anyway - it is unquestionably over.)
3. It will force him to think about his options seriously. As long you stay in touch with him, he will know that he can have you back at any moment, and he will feel no urgency to reverse his decision. By staying in touch with him, you effectively give him a "safety net." Even if he doubts his decision, he will have nothing forcing him to act one way or the other. He will simply go about his life, waiting until his “feelings about you become clear” (which they never will). 
4. It will empower you. Although you have no control over his decision to break up with you or stop dating you, you can control what happens as a result of that decision. In fact, you are the sole person capable of "enforcing" the consequences of his decision. By hanging on and hoping to get him back, you give him all of the power. But if you force him to live with the consequences of his decision (i.e. making him live without you when he says "it's over"), you exercise your agency, your power. You seize what little control you can in the interaction. Although this probably won't change the outcome of the situation, it will go a long way towards bolstering your ego and self-esteem in the face of his rejection. You will transform yourself from someone who is pathetic and dejected in light of inevitable circumstances, into a person who exercises influence on the outcome of her situation - and her ex's situation. The added benefit (as explained in the other points of this post) is that by doing so you don't even sacrifice any of the likelihood that he will take you back - in fact, if anything, you increase it. 
5. It will make him doubt his future options. This is probably the most important mechanism at work in your attempt to get him back, and it will be powerful in proportion to the length of the relationship with you that he is ending. If you stay in touch with him in an attempt to salvage things, you will confirm his belief that he can find someone better (which is his implicit motive for dumping you). The longer you stay in touch with him after the break up, the more he will think "Hmm... if she wants me so badly, girls who are hotter and sweeter will probably like me enough to date me too. Why would I take her back when I know I could do better?” While he might not be so calculating as to have this thought explicitly, I absolutely guarantee you that this thought passes through his subconscious and has a profound influence on his thinking about the break up. And it will occur to him even if you aren't making an active effort to get him back, but "just" texting or calling each other from time to time. He knows you wouldn't stay in touch unless you were interested in getting back together - he knows being "just friends" isn't workable. But, if you cut him off, he won’t know whether or not he just threw away the best girl he could get, and that doubt is priceless in making him consider coming back to you.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, in which I add a 6th point that I overlooked when writing this post originally. I also explain a lot more about the practical side of cutting a guy off - what to say, when is "too late," and what to do if he gets back in touch.

Related Posts
1. Cut Him Off
2. Why Rejection Is a Good Thing
3. Get Used to Rejection
4. When Your Ex Contacts You...

The Advantage of Dating After 30

Two women step out of their front doors on a Friday night in New York City. It is the middle of winter and a light snow is just starting to fall. Both women are dressed up and heading out to meet with their respective friends for some drinks. One woman is 23 years old and the other is 32. Both are single and want little more than to ultimately find true love.

The 23-year-old has had one serious boyfriend in her life. She slept with him during all of the 3 years they dated, until he broke up with her soon after they graduated from college. She recently had an exciting night of sex with a guy she met in a bar who was incredibly attractive. He had seemed interested in her - he was even affectionate in bed; but now he isn't calling. In the back of her mind she knows there will be attractive men out tonight, and she is hoping to eventually meet someone she can date seriously. However, she hasn't thought too much beyond the evening and maybe the start of a relationship. Right now, the excitement and nervousness of going to a high-end nightclub for the first time occupies her mind, as she grew up and went to college in the rural South where all they had were a few dive bars.

The 32-year-old has had five "official" boyfriends in her life. She's slept with eight men - four were her boyfriends and two were guys she was "just dating." They seemed interested but faded away after sex. The other two were drunken one-night stands during college, before she knew better - or more accurately, when she learned better. She is growing more and more self-conscious and concerned about the fact that she is still single in her thirties. While she knows she was probably too immature to get married previously, she also knows that her friends and extended family have started raising eyebrows. However, in the past two years she's really started to see trends and mistakes in her dating history, and she encountered a few ideas in books and online, and these have really changed her outlook. She knows now what she did wrong before. While she knows Manhattan is a horrible place for a single girl to live, she hasn't lost hope yet.

As the 23-year-old gets out of her cab in front of the nightclub where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It excites her because she only recently moved north, and this is the first time she's gone out to party in the snow. Stepping out onto the busy Manhattan sidewalk wearing high heels and her her new coat, she feels like she is on the set of Sex and The City, or one of her favorite romantic comedies. If she is honest with herself, she sort of expects to meet a guy in New York, though she definitely isn't ready to get married. She has a career and other aspirations to meet before she is ready to settle down.

As the 32-year-old gets out of the cab in front of the lounge where she'll meet her friends, the sharp cold bites at her face. It reminds her of the time three years ago when she first met her ex boyfriend. It was snowing then, too. She'd seen him looking at her earlier across the bar she was at with her friends, but he didn't approach. Then, by fate (she knows now it was just coincidence), they had both walked out of a bar at the same time (closing time). She'd been a little tipsy and given in when her girlfriends pressured her to go ask him for his number. It had felt a bit strange to do it, but in the end they dated for eight months, so for a while she thought it was the right move - at least until he dumped her for a girl who he said was more "his type."

The 23-year-old meets her girlfriends, who are waiting in a big crowd at the velvet rope outside the nightclub. The single question that consumes her mind is whether or not she is hot enough to be let inside. She starts to feel nervous. She knows she is hot, but the other girls waiting to get in look like supermodels. But as the bouncer lifts the rope and chooses her and her friends before all the others, her excitement and ego both skyrocket. "I love nightclubs already" she thinks to herself, as she looks over her shoulder and sees the other girls outside in the cold, watching with jealously as she walks through the door. She feels sorry for the few girls who were clearly older than the others - probably over 30; they definitely aren't getting in.

The 32-year-old meets her two girlfriends at an upscale lounge that they've come to like, mostly because it is never too loud and has a good layout, conducive to meeting new people. It doesn't hurt that the men who go there are generally older professionals, men who have their shit together and don't drink until they fall down. They pick a good spot at the bar and order a drink. They've arrived early so the crowd is still a bit sparse, but this gives them time to actually hang out and talk before anyone else arrives and they get involved in other conversations. As the 32-year-old orders her drink, she chats with the bartender for a bit, because she knows that even a brief conversation with a stranger (male or female) will get her into a more social mood, which might help later if any men want to talk to her. She learned that trick when she first moved to the city and sometimes went out alone. In fact, she'd met one of the girls she was with tonight that way.

The 23-year-old is amazed by the decor and energy inside the club - she's never seen anything like it. She feels like a celebrity, surrounded by the dancers, the music, the lights, the men - the men! Through the heavy club atmosphere she sees them and wonders who these guys are... standing on couches, dancing with beautiful women and drinking expensive champagne by the bottle. Some of them look like they might be famous but she isn't sure. Almost all of the men are drunk already. A guy standing next to her, who looks a bit out-of-place in his simplicity (though he is fairly attractive), raises his voice to ask her what she thinks about the DJ tonight, adding that he would prefer more popular music, but overall he was quite good. "He is good" she says without making eye contact, but she turns away immediately. "What a stupid question," she thinks to herself (though if she is honest, she also admits that she didn't really know what to say in response). She wonders how she can get an invite to drink at one of the tables...

The 32-year-old returns to her friends after her conversation with the bartender to find that a tall, very stylish and attractive man was asking her friends if they could introduce him to her. Her friends oblige, and he immediately isolates her from the group. This screams "predator" to her, but she knows that not all men have great game, so she doesn't bail yet. They talk for a few minutes, but the 32-year-old is further turned off by his constant smirk and the way he keeps touching her arm. She's met men like this before - in fact, one of her ex boyfriends approached her with the same cocky, sexual demeanor. They dated for about a year, but that transparent facade of pseudo-confidence remained throughout the relationship. She eventually dumped him and now considers the whole year wasted - at least from a dating perspective. When the arm-touching becomes a little too much to handle, she tells him it was nice to meet him and politely excuses herself to use the restroom.

The 23-year old and her friends are approached by a bouncer who invites them to drink with "some gentlemen at the VIP table." They gladly agree, and follow the bouncer as he ushers them through the crowd like celebrities. The "gentlemen" welcome them with free shots of a vodka, which looks like it is top-shelf (she gets a glimpse of the label; it is called Stolichayna or Stolishnaya - something like that. It looks so exotic - Russian, she thinks.) The 23-year-old takes a liking to the only guy at the table dressed in a suit; he is very good-looking and seems to be the leader, even though she guesses he is only 24 or 25. She is sure that she can have him because she knows she is hotter than her friends. By now she is getting fairly drunk and they start to dance. After several minutes his hands are holding her waist (she loves that feeling) and they kiss. He sits down with her to "take a break from dancing" and they start to make out on the couch. The music and alcohol drown out everything else and she is lost in the moment...

The 32-year-old returns from the bathroom. Her two friends are now talking to a group of three guys, one of whom is listening more than participating. She can tell from his posture that is isn't shy or socially awkward - but rather patient. This interests her. She intentionally positions herself  right next to him as she re-joins the group. He introduces himself and they start to make small talk. She wouldn't have picked him out from the crowd for his looks, but his understated and confident demeanor is confirmed and grows on her as they talk. A couple times he mentions things in passing that really spike her interest. She would stop him and ask him to elaborate but she is also interested in what he is telling her at the moment. He is clearly experienced and intelligent, and she judges that he is probably at least in his mid-thirties. Although he is older, she's learned over time that this is better than the opposite. At one point it crosses her mind how glad she is to be in a venue where she can hear him clearly. Conversations like this were always impossible in the nightclubs she used to go to in her twenties. Their conversational chemistry is great, and they continue talking for almost two hours...

The 23-year-old is hammered by the time the lights come on at closing time, and she considers herself the luckiest girl in the club because of the guy she "picked up." He invites her back to his hotel room to "keep the party going." Despite her drunkenness, she hesitates. She knows she doesn't want to sleep with him - she remembers how that turned out last time. But she agrees to go anyway, reasoning to herself that she can always tell him no later. As he takes her hand and leads her out of the club and into a taxi, she catches a glimpse of the out-of-place guy who'd asked her about the DJ at the beginning of the night. He has a strangely smug look on his face as she trips into the cab with the guy in the suit. It occurs to her as they pull away in the taxi that the suited guy still hasn't asked for her name...

The 32-year-old is still talking to the quiet-but-confident guy when she realizes it is already a few minutes past midnight. Normally she leaves bars by 11 pm, but she really wasn't paying close attention to the time tonight. She tells him that she really needs to get home so that she can get up at a reasonable hour for her workout. He asks her for her name and then her phone number. She knows this drill; she'd been through it probably a hundred times before, but her gauge of personalities has gotten better and better over the years. She has a pretty good feeling about this guy, so she decides to give him her last name too. He suggests that they should meet up next week sometime for coffee. They say goodnight and go their separate ways. As she walks out the door, she catches a glimpse of the cocky, stylish guy that had approached her earlier. He had obviously been watching in confused surprise as she gave the less-attractive guy her number. "Filtered him out." she thought as she smiled to herself and slipped out the front door and into a passing cab. "Wouldn't have done that ten years ago..."

Related Posts

1. The Female's Internal Conflict

2. Female Game for Girls in Their 20s

3. Your Age and Your Attractiveness
4. Some Older Women Are Smart

Male Age and Attractiveness

When I first published the post Your Age and Your Attractiveness (which graphically illustrates the change in a woman's attractiveness as she ages) I received a number of requests to create similar charts for men. I declined, since - being a straight male - I didn't consider myself an objective judge of male attractiveness. And anyway it was outside of the scope of this blog.

But recently I was reading an interesting post on Hooking Up Smart, and I followed a link to another post that does exactly what those readers requested of me - it plots male attractiveness against time, and even breaks it down into its primary components. I've included the main plot on the right, but the post is definitely worth a read. Here is the link:

The Socionist: Male Attractiveness Over Time

It is a striking complement to the post I wrote on here. There are a lot of similarities. The author discusses variations on typical attractiveness curves and his plots are similarly generated. In fact, if he didn't write his a couple months before mine I'd probably start throwing around accusations of plagiarism. But he did, so I should probably start expecting one from him...


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How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2

In a previous post I pointed out that if you want to control your posture, it is more effective to remind yourself of your strengths each time you catch yourself slouching, than it is to simply attempt to correct the posture itself. This is because poor posture is a symptom of low self-esteem, not just a bad habit.

Here is a good way to put this fact into practice:

Everyone has a few really good photos of themselves - photos in which you look your best (thinnest, hottest, happiest, most confident, etc.). The camera caught you at your best angle, you were wearing your best colors and your hair looks really good. You probably enjoy looking at these pictures because they make you feel good about yourself. It isn't just a matter of looking good; these pictures probably capture a certain poise or spirit of which you are proud - they illustrate you at your best.

Choose the best of these photos in your mind. The next time you catch yourself slouching, remember that photos, and specifically, remind yourself that you are the person in that picture. You will automatically and immediately (albeit temporarily) correct your posture. With repetition, you will begin to see yourself as the person in the photo more than you see yourself as the person who slouches. Before long, perfect posture will be a habit.

Some Older Women Are Smart

"You want to check out Vin de Syrah?" I asked my brother, as we walked up Fifth Avenue.

"Yeah sounds good. I liked that place last time."

"OK, but I need to piss pretty bad... let me run into Seersucker right here and use the bathroom, then we'll go."

Seersucker is a newer, swankier bar in the Gaslamp area of San Diego and has quickly become a popular place for people in their thirties. The crowd is generally a little classier and more mature than in most of the surrounding bars and nightclubs, but the women are usually older - even though they know how to dress and present themselves well.

I knew we'd only be in there a few minutes, but as we walked through the crowd towards the bathroom I couldn't help but to scan the crowd for girls. Two immediately caught my attention. They were both attractive, and although I could tell that they were probably a couple years older than me, one was definitely my type. She had long, black, straight hair and light skin, with dark eyes and a wide smile. More importantly, she was wearing a small, tight cocktail dress and high heels. There was no way I could leave without at least trying to talk to her.

In the bathroom I asked my brother "Did you see those two girls? The dark-haired one had a slamming hot body. She looks a little older than me, but she is gorgeous, and that dress and those heels are ridiculous. I just want to talk to her quickly before we leave."

On the way out I walked over and said hello and started talking to them. They were friendly, and we had a fun conversation. A couple times I took a natural opportunity to look down at the dark-haired woman's body, and I almost had to stop myself from drooling. It was impeccable. I wanted to tear off that tiny dress and handle her small, perfect, frame. After seeing the girls up-close, though, my suspicion about their age was confirmed. When they asked about my brother's and my ages, I asked them how old they were. The one I liked was 29 and her beauty was clearly starting to fade. Five years ago should would have been a ten. That night she was probably about an eight.

Our conversation was interrupted by another guy who wanted to talk to the girls. He had zero game, and the interaction turned awkward quickly. The girls excused themselves to go to the bathroom.

"Never let a girl choose to leave the interaction and then be found waiting for her to come back," I told him, imparting one lesson I'd learned a few times the hard way. "You will look like a chump. Let's go sit at the bar until they come out." And that is what we did.

A few minutes later they walked out of the restrooms. I could tell they were looking around for us where we'd been talking to them earlier. They didn't see us, so they started making motions to leave the bar. As they walked past us on the way to the door, I caught eye contact with them and asked them if they were heading out. I had to get the dark-haired girl's phone number. I knew from how smoothly the conversation went earlier that she would give it to me. I knew that I couldn't date a girl her age, but neither could I resist that body and hair.

We made small talk for a few moments about where they were going next, then they started towards the door again.

"Before you go, let me take your phone number." I said to the dark-haired girl as I pulled out my phone. "I'd like to talk to you again."

The dark-haired girl laughed. "You want to take my number?" she asked, amused. "But you're 28!"

"Yeah, haha, I know. And you are 29. Listen, the only girl I've loved was a year older than me. It can work." I said this - truthfully - as I opened a new contact in my phone, ignoring her resistance - which I assumed was just an attempt to see how serious I was about her. It might be true that I was too young for her, but I knew that wishful thinking prevented most women from actually acknowledging this, so the possibility didn't cross my mind.

At this point, any other girl who had shown as much attraction to me as this girl would have stepped in to look over my shoulder as I put her number into my phone. But this girl's body language didn't include even the slightest motion towards granting my request. She literally laughed it off. I forget now exactly what she said next, but in that moment I realized that she was absolutely serious in her refusal, despite of how playful she was about communicating it. The sum total of her words and body language said "Ha! You must think I am stupid if you think I am going to give my phone number to a guy younger than me. You know as well as I do that it won't go anywhere; don't play dumb. I like you, but let's not be naive here. Goodnight."

As she said "Goodnight," and walked out the door with her friend. I sat there, stunned and confused, as my brother and I watched them walk out the door into the street.

"What the hell was that?" I asked my brother. But the question was rhetorical, because I knew exactly what it was. It was smart.


Related Posts
1. Your Age and Your Attractiveness
2. What Men Think About Older Women
3. Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years
4. The Advantage of Dating Over 30

The Female's Internal Conflict

It is built into our very nature as human beings to have to endure the conflict imposed by the combination of our biology and rationality, our bodies and our minds. For reasons that are beyond our abilities to completely understand, our minds work in such a way that we are driven by pride, while our bodies operate according to their inclinations to reproduce and (presumably) perpetuate the species. These two drives often push us towards opposite goals, resulting in a conflict that is reflected - perhaps at its strongest - in the dating world.

As a woman, your pride wants a man who values you above all other women, one who would do anything for you out of an overwhelming compulsion of feeling. You (like every person) need to know you are valuable and important, which is largely evidenced by feeling wanted.

Your biology, on the other hand, aches for a man who is strong and powerful, unfettered by his feelings, who can protect you and impregnate you with healthy children - children who in turn will survive and reproduce successfully.

But the fact is that men also have biologies that drive them, almost uncontrollably. They desire the most beautiful and healthiest women - those most capable of bearing their children. This means that the men who best fulfill the needs of your pride are those who are farthest below your league, and therefore want you most. But at the same time, almost by definition, the men who best fulfill the needs of your biology are those who are farthest above your league, and therefore want you least.

The reality is that - eventually, after all efforts at self-improvement - you have to choose a man who represents a balance between those two extremes. If you want a man who values you immeasurably, he isn't going to be the heroic hunk you desire sexually. If you want a man who can provide you with perfect babies, he isn't going to want you above all other women - because he probably can have all other women (at least all those at "your level").

Two factors mitigate the apparently unfortunate nature of this situation:

1. Men are faced with a similar conflict, and they too have to compromise, meaning that the object of your biological desires has fewer women to choose from if he wants a girl that also loves him as a person. Perhaps more important than the needs of his pride is the fact that he cannot have a woman that doesn't want him. Your best possible partner will be one who recognizes this, values your love for him, and is willing to curb his desire for other women because of it. Still, the fewer options he has to forego, the easier (and more likely) this commitment will be for him to make and maintain.
2. All men and women have different tastes when it comes to the opposite sex, so a single woman sits very differently on various men's scales. This is why I've placed "your level" in quotation marks above; is relative to each man's personal taste.

Admonitions not to "settle" are actually admonitions against settling too much - against choosing a man that doesn't fulfill one of these two needs sufficiently. In reality, we all settle in the sense that we settle for a man or woman that fulfills both of these needs, but fulfills them both only partially. No single person can fulfill both completely because the two sets of character traits that do so are (with the above caveats) mutually exclusive.

How To Improve Your Posture

In another post I wrote about the importance of posture to a woman's attractiveness. I suspect this is probably interesting to many women, but not helpful without some indication of how can it be improved - which is what I'd like to elaborate on in this post.

First, I think it is necessary to understand that poor, hunched or closed posture is a deeply subconscious attempt to introvert and close oneself. It is an effort to literally protect the vulnerable front of one's body - that is, the area where our vital organs (groin, gut and neck) are most exposed. Poor posture is a manifestation of insecurity, whether it be physical, social or emotional. The deeply entrenched nature of a person's posture makes it incredibly difficult - indeed, virtually impossible - to change by repeated acknowledgement and correction. I know people who have have been doing this for years, but their posture remains unaffected. I used to have poor posture myself, and for a while made similar "acknowledge-and-correct" efforts, but they were futile.

My posture now is very good. The change was not one I consciously forced, however. Instead, it followed naturally from an improvement in my self-image and confidence. This was a gradual process, but it was was marked by distinct points at which I recognized my value, and more importantly, my potential. This would happened when I saw some similarity between myself and someone I admired, or upon some concrete accomplishment that made me realize that I was capable of things I hadn't thought I could do (or do well) previously. Accomplishment breeds confidence, and accomplishment is the product of initiative and effort - both of which are controllable.

But my personal experience is not the only evidence for my point, by any means. Consider, too, the people you know who have the best and worst posture (aside from the elderly, who have less control over these things). Almost without fail, the ones that slouch are also insecure or very humble, and the ones that stand up straight do so in proportion to their confidence. The correlation is unmistakable.

So rather than straightening up when you recognize your poor posture, you would do better to acknowledge your strengths and excuse your weaknesses, at which point your posture will improve naturally. Far more importantly, if you want to stand up straight, you need to begin to do the kinds of things that will allow you to respect yourself. If you are too timid to carry on a conversation with a man, start practicing so that you grow more comfortable. If you hate the fact that you are overweight, start setting weight-loss goals for yourself and penalties if you fail to meet them. If you have been wallowing in the wake of a bad break-up, shake it off, get back on your feet and start dating again.

These things are not easy to do, but I've seen the effect they can have on a girl's life, and they are worth the effort. They also become easier the more you do them and recognize their benefits. Taking charge of the things that you've previously been unable to master is the best and possibly the only way to improve your self-image, and therefore your posture.

Your Age And Your Attractiveness

Notes:

1. These curves are based on observation and careful thought, not empirical data.
2. Internal attractiveness consists of personality, femininity, openness, etc.
3. External attractiveness consists of weight, natural looks, hair, clothes, etc.
4. Percentage of potential means the level a woman achieves relative to what she could achieve, taking into account uncontrollable limitations such as body shape (not to be confused with weight), facial structure, etc.
5. Combined attractiveness is a weighted average of internal and external attractiveness. 
• Internal attractiveness is weighted at 40 % importance.
• External attractiveness is weighted at 60 % importance.
6. Don't pay too much attention to the values on the vertical axis. What matter more here are the rough values on the horizontal axis, i.e. when the peaks or changes occur.
7. This is typical, not representative of all women. See this page for example variations.
8. Other sources have real studies that are interesting and tend to agree with this illustration.

While I think this plot can largely speak for itself, I do want to highlight and qualify a few things.

The graph is not meant to hone in on the exact age of peak attractiveness. Don't draw conclusions based on the peak (A) occurring at 32 rather than 29 or 33. Instead, draw conclusions based on the peak occurring at 32 rather than 22 or 26 (which are more typical assumptions). More importantly, consider that although physical attractiveness peaks at one point (C), internal attractiveness plateaus later (D). While the "late" (i.e. post-30) peak in overall attractiveness is likely to draw some criticism, I doubt that such criticism is honest, or considers a woman's internal attractiveness. Furthermore, a recent study seems to back up this conclusion.

I shaped the curves for internal and external attractiveness separately, without giving consideration to each's effect on the combined curve. When I plotted internal and external attractiveness combined, and saw the "lull" in the early twenties (A), I was a little surprised. But upon reflection, it made sense. The "lull" is the point where a girl looks beautiful but has yet to come into herself. She is hot but boring to spend time with. So many girls in their early twenties are this way. Their overall attractiveness stalls until they develops their personality throughout their twenties. Some women never make this internal development, as illustrated in one of the example variations, posted here.

Notice that the full potential for combined attractiveness is never reached, because the peak of internal and external attractiveness do not occur simultaneously. While this is not always the case, I think it is often so, because women tend to spend their effort on looks or personality at different times in their life.

Notice, too, how the decline in external attractiveness is ameliorated by the increase in internal attractiveness, flattening out the decline.

Read Next: American Women Are the Best

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Posture And Attractiveness

Components of Feminine Beauty by Attention Deserved

I've estimated previously that a woman's posture accounts for 3% of a woman's external attractiveness. And because posture is 100 % controllable, I concluded in the same analysis that it was worthy of 5 % of the time that a woman spends on her appearance. This might not sound like much, but that 5 % was second only to fitness, hair and makeup. In other words, once you take care of those three (obvious) things, you should be shifting your attention - not to your nails, breasts or even the color of your clothes, but to your posture.

Posture is important because it is a direct projection of your sense of self-worth. Looks are critical, even for long term relationships, but without personality and confidence you will not get past a first date or a purely sexual relationship. I plan to write a lot more soon about the importance of personality, and when I do I will make the point that a woman's sense of her own value is vital to her internal attractiveness. Posture is the subtle but primary mode by which that sense of value is conveyed, and men definitely notice - whether consciously or subconsciously. A woman with good posture exudes confidence, and confidence demands attention. Attention, in turn (the good kind at least) breeds attraction. In addition, being the external expression of an internal state of mind, posture is also a large contributor to external attractiveness.

I went to a bar last night, as I am apt to do on Wednesdays, and ran into a girl that I know and occasionally flirt with. She varies between a 7 and a 10 (depending on how she presents herself) - a very good looking girl, and in great shape too. She was sitting on a stool, hunched over - clearly tired and ready to head home. After chatting with her for a little while, her posture started to bother me, so I told her "you should sit up straight, you look a lot better that way," as I placed my hand on her back and shoulder to straighten her out. She laughed, agreed and sat up straight.

I had always known that a woman's posture makes a difference, but this was one of the clearest examples I have ever seen - suddenly she seemed alive. As she lifted her upper body, her back straightened and her chest pushed out, accenting her breasts and diminishing her previously scrunched-up waist; her neck straightened and appeared more slender; her hair fell more naturally over her shoulders and neck: her physical beauty radiated.

But these were merely the physical changes. In addition, her head was lifted - probably by about six inches - so that she became more present in the group, and her beauty was magnified by its sheer prominence (this is an argument in favor of female height that I have perhaps overlooked until now). She also seemed more confident, as if she could accept or reject any guy that approached her - and looking the way she did sitting up straight, she probably could have. Finally, she smiled. The effect of holding herself up triggered the emotions that normally cause her to hold herself that way, and she was visibly happier. A new energy seemed to come over her. While she was slouching she had seemed tired, maybe even ill; but now she appeared healthy, youthful, alert, engaged, exuberant.

But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me, because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed. The impression only lasted a moment, because her mood and attitude were not organic and ingrained; but it still concerned me afterwards - what if she had appeared that way when I first met her? And if she had maintained it, would I have ever been able to gain the upper hand? This is the power of posture.


Related Posts
1. How to Improve Your Posture
2. How to Improve Your Posture - Part 2
3. The Importance of Heels

Why Rejection Is A Good Thing

If you get dumped by a guy you like, remember that although this is probably due in part to men playing below their league, it is also the product of you being ambitious in your relationships: you are trying to get the best guy you can, and therefore you are dating guys that might dump you. In moderation, this ambition is a good thing. If you were constantly settling for guys of a low caliber, then of course you would have more success, but you wouldn't be content. 

While it is certainly worthwhile to consider whether or not your standards are realistic, you should also acknowledge how lazy or apathetic you would be to settle for someone below your potential. If you aren't getting dumped by guys, you could probably be doing better.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which says a lot more about the importance of rejection and how to use it to grow into the kind of girl guys really want to commit to.

Related Posts
1. Get Used to Rejection
2. Why Do You Want Him Back?
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Self-Improvement Takes Time

I've been getting a lot of e-mails from girls asking for urgent advice about how to act around a particular guy, or how to interpret his behavior. Others express concern about the difficulty inherent in striking a balance between extremes (for example, between "hard to get" and needy, or prudish and slutty). And while I do usually have suggestions relevant to the specific situation, more often than not these kinds of questions are an indication that the girl is missing the big picture - that she is splitting hairs, and placing too much importance on one particular thing, when the truth is that no single thing matters completely.

If you find yourself worried about the wording of a particular text, or fretting over which earrings to wear, or generally wondering how you should behave towards a particular guy in a particular situation, take a big step back and realize two things:

1. If he is really into you, you will have to make significant mistakes to make him change his mind. While there are always ways to make him like you more, your baseline should be to simply continue doing what you are doing and making gradual improvements. By "significant mistakes" I mean things like revealing that you are actually addicted to coke or gaining 30 pounds.

2. If he isn't that into you, no single small change you make is really going to attract him. A new set of clothes or "hard to get" attitude will not make the difference. You will need to revolutionize yourself to really hook him, and it is impossible to do this overnight. Instead, admit that he is a lost cause, and spend the energy that you would have spent on him on improving your appearance and personality. Then, by the next time a guy of that caliber comes along, hopefully you will have improved enough to make him stick around.

I am not saying that little things don't matter - they do; collectively, they matter a lot. But no single one will make or break a guy's attraction to you, and improvements to each one take time to implement and become natural to you. You need to be patient. But if you continue to make a steady effort, there is no question that the quality of guys you attract will improve.

What Men Think About Your Sexual History

No guy wants to date a whore. No guy likes the fact that his girlfriend (or potential girlfriend) has slept with a lot of other guys. Most guys want women who are sexually comfortable and have some experience, but the same men simultaneously prefer a woman who hasn't been sexually intimate with other men. Consider an excerpt from the post Don't Fuck On the First Date:

...when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us have sex with her on the first date, it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

The reality, of course, is that it is extremely rare to find a woman who is (a) a virgin, but also (b) open-minded in bed, confident with her naked body, knows what a guy likes in bed, etc. For better or worse, the latter qualities are the product of experience, and therefore preclude the former as a real possibility. Men know this, and are therefore willing to accept some degree of a girl's sexual history in exchange for some degree of her experience: we actually prefer a girl that has had sex with X number of guys because it means she will have A, B, and C qualities in bed.

The idea trade-off will be different for every guy, but the extremes - wanting a virgin or a whore - are rare enough that they aren't worth striving for - at least not if you want to attract a typical American guy. If you want a very religious man, he will probably prefer a virgin and you should plan accordingly; and there are even guys out there that will actually prefer a girl whose legs have been perpetually open. The thing to remember is that your typical American man wants a girl with some experience, but less than most girls in her demographic. So when it comes to choosing how many men to sleep with, always lag what is deemed "acceptable."

While I don't claim that my taste in women is representative of the average American (I do think it is reasonably close), I can tell you that my preference is a girl who has had sex with between 2 and 6 guys. Ideally, one of these would have been a drunken one-night stand, and another would be with a guy that took her on a few dates, had sex with her, and then bailed (so that she would have these experiences to better understand men - even if only to pass the lesson on to our daughters if we were to marry). The rest would hopefully have been men that she was dating seriously. Remember, these sexual encounters are good in spite of not because of what they imply about the girl (i.e. because of the lessons learned and experience). And remember that this is only my preference; the bolded sentence above is the generalized truth.

Now, all of this being said, there are a few interesting things to note:

1. Promiscuous men will be lenient in their expectations. You may have encountered men who claim to have sex with lots of women, but in their next breath demand virginity from girls they will actually respect. This attitude is not the norm. Most guys project their own standards onto women, in the same way that women project their own standards onto men. While a guy who has slept with 30 women won't prefer the same number from the girls he dates, he will identify and empathize with her decision to sleep around, and will therefore not mind as much.

2. You can't change your number, but you can change your attitude. Men know that although being a whore is more or less defined by how promiscuous a girl has been, what really makes being a whore troublesome (STDs aside) is the attitude that accompanies it. This is the attitude that says "I don't place any value on my physical or emotional health" and/or "I am insecure and need to be shown frequent affection from men, or constantly prove to myself how attractive they find me." This attitude can be changed. If you are reading this and are getting worried that the kind of guys you want will be disgusted by the number of guys you've slept with, you probably have the necessary motivation.

3.  Don't tell him how many guys you've slept with. Some guys will ask and others won't, for various reasons ranging from interest to insecurity. If he asks, I suggest you leave him in the dark. If your number is low, tell him it is "low," but don't give him a number. If it is high, just don't tell him. It does no good whatsoever to share this kind of information, aside from being slightly more open with him - but the same openness can be affected in other ways. However, the bad it does is two-fold:

• It makes more real and concrete in his mind the sexual experiences you've had with other men. Instead of being some vague, notional set of guys you've rolled around in the sheets with, it becomes X distinct sexual encounters with real men, to whom you felt some physical or emotional connection, either of which may have been better than the connection you have with him.
• If you have changed your attitude as described above, telling him your number only serves to connect your new self more strongly to the old self that slept around. Keeping that tie severed works in your favor.

I suggest saying something along these lines if you are questioned:

"Really? You actually want to know? Weird. I am not going to tell you anyway, but why would you care? No good can come from that conversation. Think about it."

And then if it is appropriate, explain the reasoning I give above. Most guy won't freak out if you don't tell them, but you should emphasize the reasoning given here as your motivation for silence, rather than letting his imagination wander and concluding that you must have a number so high that it can't be spoken.


Related Posts
1. How to Look Good During Sex
2. The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment
3. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex with Him
4. How to Turn a Guy Down for Sex

Don't Fuck on The First Date

You'd think that this one would be obvious, as hackneyed as the admonition is, but I’ve actually had some girls be genuinely surprised that we didn’t end up in a relationship after having sex with me on the first date. This "rule" is also a good springboard for addressing the general topic of female promiscuity, which has a huge impact on female attractiveness - whether or not it "should."

This is how it works: a lot of guys are looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, but most of us have also dated girls that have ultimately turned out to be less than what we were looking for. After weeks or months of effort, the relationship ends and although both parties may walk away having learned a few lessons, the time is largely wasted. It takes dozens of these attempts to meet someone that sparks a deep and genuine interest. Given those odds, and the amount of investment required to decide if any given female could be a girlfriend, fiancé or spouse, you can imagine the cynicism most men have going into a first date (I am continually surprised that I am not more cynical). If you couple this consideration with the intense pleasure of sexual intercourse, there is essentially zero chance that a man will refuse sex on a first date if he has the chance: sure, she could be “the one,” but statistically speaking, she probably won’t be, and it definitely isn’t worth turning down easy sex to find out.

Now, with that backdrop, when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us fuck on the first date it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

I completely understand and agree with the notion that women want sexual pleasure just as much as men, and I am aware that “giving it up” on the first date is not always giving it up so much as it is “getting it.” If that is your goal, then of course this is a different matter altogether and you are free to do that. But understand that it will not make you desirable to men. Men can do it and maintain (or sometimes increase) their attractiveness; women cannot. I acknowledge that this is holding women and men to a different standard, but in this case it is appropriate because men and women are different in this respect.

Men are built to be sexually promiscuous – or at least, we are built so that we can be sexually promiscuous. There is little risk for a man when it comes to sex: he doesn’t need to worry about pregnancy. Even if he is not using a condom, he can control when (and if not when, where) he ejaculates. As a last resort, he is able to walk away from the woman and leave her to deal with the pregnancy. This is a repulsive thing to do and no one denies this – probably not even the men who do it. But it can be done and it is done. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections have a significantly higher male-to-female transmission rate than they do from females to males, and the effects are worse for women than they are for men. There is also the factor of physical strength: if a woman goes to bed with a man she thinks she likes, she is far less able to then change her mind, for fear of rape. A man, on the other hand, has no such problems: sex for him is very low-risk. The result of this fact is that, historically, men have taken the offense in all matters sexual; we are the pursuers. Because we are more sexually liberated by nature, we seek sexual relationships more frequently. Historically the active role in relationships has fallen on our shoulders, while women have assumed the passive role. This is the case elsewhere in nature as well, for the same reasons.

It is only because Western culture in recent history has emphasized the equality of the sexes that some women see this dynamic in a negative light, and get upset about a double standard. The notion that a man should protect his wife and children, or that he should not abandon a woman he impregnates, or even that he should leave the toilet seat down when females are in the house; these notions are all rooted just as deeply in sexual differences, but because they don't place a burden on females, no objections are raised. Don’t get me wrong, if I were a woman I would be a little pissed off that sex was less socially acceptable for me than it is for a man. But there are balances to this phenomenon: women have far more opportunities to have sex than men, and thereby are able to have sex with higher quality partners. You won’t find many girls that have had sexual partners uglier than themselves, but you’ll find an endless list of guys that have – in fact, there is a contingent of men that usually only have sex with girls less attractive than themselves. This is a product of the same phenomenon: because men can have low-risk sex, women are far more in-demand for sexual relationships, and therefore have more and better options. Men may be able to get laid more often, or at least, with more partners; but women often get to sleep with men that are out of their league. It is a matter of quality versus quantity, and I think there is a lot to be said for both, to the point that I am not convinced that either one is an advantage – they are just corollaries of the same phenomenon.

A woman is judged negatively for having promiscuous sex because it takes no skill or effort on her part; all that is required is her assent. There will never be a deficit of sexually willing and attractive men from which she can select if she chooses. A man, on the other hand, has to work hard or be very lucky (or be rich, which is actually the product of the two) in order to get women of his own caliber into bed. This is because the women willing to have casual sex so are few(er) and far(ther) between. (Consider for a moment that no one respects a man who always sleeps with women that are way below his standards – everyone considers this repulsive.)

Some women will read all of this and think it is horrible and misogynist, while others will simply nod their heads in agreement. In fact, and perhaps unfortunately, which of those camps you fall into doesn't matter when it comes to the practical aspect of this phenomenon, because - opinions aside - the fact remains that men will judge you harshly for being too easy to sleep with. So the practical advice is simple: if you want a man to respect you, don't do it.


Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
2. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him
3. How to Turn Down a Guy For Sex
4. Men and Sexual Variety