How "Hard to Get" Should You Play?

Every woman has been advised at one time or another that she can increase her attractiveness to a man by showing him less interest, that is, by playing "hard to get." Most people don't disagree with this advice, at least not completely; they understand that there is a psychological mechanism by which people tend to want what they can't have. But there is plenty of disagreement about the degree to which this tactic should be applied. A lot of girls obsess over how to strike a balance between "too easy" and "too hard to get." They analyze text messages, scrutinize their response times, stress out about when is the right time to sleep with a guy, or wonder if they will lose their chance with a guy off by not making a move themselves.

The reality is that there isn't any strict rule about how "hard to get" you need to play. Or rather, it varies for each girl and in each situation. Some girls need to apply it more than others. There are girls that immediately cling to any interested guy that meets their minimum requirements, and these girls could benefit quite a bit by showing some self-restraint. On the other end of the spectrum, there are girls with colder dispositions that would dissuade even the most persistent men by playing any harder-to-get than they already do. How hard-to-get you should play also depends on the guy in each situation. More persistent men will push through a higher amount of resistance, while those with a lot of options or lower degree of interest in a girl will be more easily deterred. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out where exactly along each spectrum you and he lie, and how to calibrate your behavior accordingly.

The good news, and the main point I want to make here, is that you really shouldn't over-think this. If a guy is interested in you, there is a wide margin between the behaviors that will make him think of you as "needy" and "uninterested." It will be incredibly difficult to change his interest in you by small things like agreeing too readily to a date, or being too enthusiastic in your texts. As long as you are agreeing to go out with him and not acting bored when you spend time together, you are showing more than enough interest to avoid discouraging the average guy. And as long as you aren't asking him out all the time, or initiating contact with him regularly, you aren't going to appear needy enough to turn him off.

Now, if a guy isn't that interested in you, the thresholds for "needy" and "uninterested" will be closer together, and smaller "mistakes" might cause him to change his mind about you. The girls that obsess over their behavior or the content of their text messages are usually dealing with a guy like this. In fact, his nonchalance about the relationship is usually what drives this hyper-awareness in the first place. The mistake these girls make is to think that their behavior that is responsible for the guy's decision to stop seeing them. While this is true in the limited sense that their behavior triggers the guy's decision, the reality is that his lack of interest was making it next to impossible not to trigger that decision.

Think about it this way: if a guy can be turned off just because you use the wrong adjective in a text, or sleep with him a couple dates too late or soon, or do some other small thing "wrong," then there isn't enough attraction there to sustain a relationship anyway. It was a losing battle from the outset. If the guy doesn't like you enough that you can behave naturally, then he doesn't like you enough for a relationship to last. There is no way you can perpetually guard every word and action around him, or control every emotional impulse forever; at some point you need to be able to relax and be yourself, and he needs to like what he sees when you do so. If you are in a situation where you are stressing out about what to do or say around a guy, your problem isn't your inability to know how to act, or your inability to calibrate your behavior, it is your inability to be comfortable with rejection.

This phenomenon can be illustrated with a simple plot, as shown below. The whole point is that it isn't worth spending your time in a dating situation that falls to the left of the dotted line. If you do, there won't be enough leeway between "needy" and "uninterested" behavior to allow you to be yourself in the relationship. In order to avoid the (red or blue) "no date" zones, you'll have to be constantly guarding your behavior in the same obsessed way that you are right now, as you attempt to get into or hold on to the relationship that is causing you so much stress. Where exactly the dotted line falls is something you need to decide for yourself; but you need to recognize that a limit exists. Until you do, you are going to give yourself a lot of grey hairs - and have nothing to show for it in the end.

Incidentally, guys make the same mistake all the time in their attempt to attract girls. It is particularly evident when you watch guys trying to figure out how to approach and pick girls up. If you could see how obsessively men try to figure out the right thing to say to a girl, or the best way (or time) to approach her, you would know exactly what I mean.* Men are constantly over-analyzing these things. What many men don't realize, is that if they need to force their behavior into a tiny, perfect mold in order to attract a girl, then they aren't going to be able to hold onto her for very long. The act can't be maintained forever; eventually they will need to relax and behave naturally, at which point the tailored personality that attracted her will disappear, and so will she.

In light of all of this, the goal - for men and women - should be to work at self-improvement slowly and steadily - in the long-term, but to relax and be themselves with the opposite sex in the moment. So if you are finding yourself constantly calculating your next "move" in a relationship, or watching your words too much, recognize that you are probably fighting a losing battle. Take a deep breath, relax, and focus instead on making yourself vulnerable to the possibility of rejection. Remember, sometimes it is a good thing.

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* In fact, you can see this if you just do a Google search for "pick up artist" or "approach anxiety" and read the uncountable number of websites, blogs and books that have been written in an effort to perfect these things. In fact, I am convinced that men freak out about this stuff way more than women do. Perhaps this is because the pressure is on us to make the first move, but the obsession is still there.


Related Posts
1. Self-Improvement Takes Time
2. On Being a "Typical" Girl
3. Get Used to Rejection
4. Living Vulnerably
5. Don't Initiate Contact

Texting Tip 3 - When Should You Reply?

Since I've already explained how you should reply to a man's texts, the obvious follow-up is to explain when to reply to a man's texts.

You've probably heard all kinds of suggestions from other girls about how long to wait before replying to a text from a guy you like. Some claim you should always wait 15 minutes, others insist on only replying to every other text, while others still dismiss "playing games" as ridiculous and advocate replying however you feel like in the moment. Ignore all of this advice. It will either make you come across as needy and too easy, or else cold and too distant.

In order to time your texts so that you convey your best self, you will need to be two things: genuine and realistic. Being genuine will prevent you from seeming uninterested or boring, while being realistic will prevent you from seeming desperate. Furthermore, your authenticity will show a man your true self, while your realism will keep in check your tendency to be too forthcoming. Let me elaborate...

Genuine. If you get a text from a guy that you like, and you genuinely have a free moment to reply, don't play games by artificially prolonging your response. This might be "successful" in the sense that it will occasionally keep a man on the hook for a time, but this is only because he wants to prove that you want him; it doesn't make him enjoy you any more. In addition, the whole "hard to get" charade is far too easy to overdo, and you risk making yourself appear uninterested - or worse, cold and boring. So when he texts, answer him naturally, genuinely, authentically. If you find yourself thinking "I don't feel like replying right now," or "I'll get to it later," then don't reply at all, or tell him (tactfully) that you don't want to pursue a relationship. You probably shouldn't have given him your number in the first place.  

Realistic. If you are really excited about the guy who is texting you, or if you are just excited to be getting any attention from a guy, you need to resist your temptation to indulge in communicating with him (anticipating his texts, reading them, replying, and anticipating the next one). This excitement seems like a small thing; but when you are dropping everything immediately upon receiving a text notification, or constantly checking your phone just to make sure you didn't miss the latest message from him, you start to realize how much you are allowing a merely potential relationship to monopolize your priorities. In these cases, you need a healthy dose of realism. Unless you are months into a serious relationship, there is no way that know whether or not things will work out with this guy; so it is ridiculous to interrupt what you are doing every time your phone goes off. When you do this, you are reacting to your imagination and wishful thinking, not to reality.

By embracing these two principles simultaneously, you will achieve the attitude that texting "rules" seek to emulate. Yeah, sure, maybe it will mean that you occasionally seem a little over-excited to get his text (because you happen to be checking your messages when his comes in), or a bit distant (because you were ignoring your phone while studying for ten hours, and his text came in right after you started); but you will only seem so in the short term. No single text you send will represent to him your attitude, so no single response time will matter completely. (Though if it does take you hours to reply, it is worth acknowledging this by giving a quick explanation; though an apology isn't usually warranted - if it had been urgent he should have called.)

A good way to strike this balance is to text the men you are dating in the same way that you regularly text your acquaintances  friends or family. Would you bring your phone into to the gym with you - even though you normally don't - in order to be available for a text that your female coworker might or might not send you? Then why are you doing it for the random (albiet hot) guy who got your number at the bar last night? Would you interrupt your studies for the big exam tomorrow to check a text that you suspect is from your mom, asking how your day was? Then why are you doing it for a guy who (for all you know so far) might be married or have incompatible politics? Would you delay your response for an additional 15 minutes, or occasionally not reply at all in a text conversation with your little brother? Then why do you feel the need to do it with your cute coworker who you really like and suspect might be into you? Treat these men like the mere friends or acquaintances that they are, until they become something more - at which point text games won't be necessary anyway.

A final note: if a guy seems to be playing games with you, artificially delaying his responses or skipping texts (yes, guys do this stuff too sometimes), I still suggest replying authentically and realistically. But after 4 or 5 late and unexplained texts, feel free to ignore him. He's either a player or not interested enough, and either way you do best to forget about him.


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3. Living Vulnerably

Texting Tip 2 - How Should You Reply?

A reader recently asked

"...you said that a female should only be responding to a man's text. So, when responding, does she ask a question to keep the conversation rolling or just give an answer?"

This is a good question. In light of what I've written about not initiating contact, or cutting men off, I can see how a girl might think she should give only very short responses - or even ignore his texts sometimes, in order to see how hard he will persist to get a response.

However, if you extend that way of thinking to its logical conclusion, you end up with a situation in which you are essentially silent, and the man pursues you continually, with no feedback whatsoever. And of course, this would never happen, because after a couple weak responses, a man will simply accept the fact that he has been rejected and move on. This is not speculation; it happens to men all the time when they get phone numbers from girls who aren't all that interested in them. It's happened to me a few times. When a girl doesn't reply, the obvious conclusion is not "It's worth another shot because I really like her," it's "Fuck, well, she clearly isn't enthusiastic enough to continue talking... no sense trying again." Some guys will persist just because they figure they have nothing to lose, but a man who respects himself and has options won't try endlessly.

So there needs to be some kind of balance between not taking the initiative (which you shouldn't) and showing too little enthusiasm in your replies. I suggest you follow these rules:

1. Never initiate a text conversation
2. Always be enthusiastic in your responses
3. Give him an opportunity to continue the conversation any time he gives you one. 

In other words, follow his lead. If a man has taken the initiative, he has already demonstrated his interest, so there's no need to test him further (in that way, at least). He wants to engage you in conversation, so you need to give him positive feedback if you want the conversation to continue. Otherwise, he will read between the lines and give up. So be authentic; show your interest openly.

Take a look at the example in the picture, which is a text conversation I had a few days ago with a girl I met last Saturday night in Clarendon. She'd only been out in DC before, not in Clarendon (a DC suburb) hence the first text I sent the next day. Her text savvy is solid. Just to avoid any ambiguity, I've underlined in red the opportunities she provided for me to continue the conversation, and noted with "[No Question]" the one time when she did not offer such an opportunity. It probably wasn't a coincidence that she failed to do so right after I made a comment without giving her a lead (see rule #3, above).

Also notice her clear enthusiasm to be exchanging texts. She uses smiles and exclamation points liberally, and is fairly verbose in her replies. There are no single word answers, even when only a single word was strictly necessary. While you don't need to be be this enthusiastic to let a guy know you are interested, it is better to err on the side of more rather than less, especially when using such a bland communication medium (as opposed to talking on the phone or interacting in person).

I am not suggesting that you analyze each and every text a guy sends you, consider these rules, then calculate your responses. But I am suggesting that you use these rules to understand the general disposition that you should have towards a man who initiates a text conversation with you, and then use that disposition to guide your replies.


Related Posts
1. Don't Initiate Contact
2. Other Texting Tips
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Texting Tip 1 - Laughter

A lot of people use laughter in their texts to convey that they are just kidding, or only semi-serious, or just to be light-hearted. By laughter I mean "haha" or hahaha," rather than "lol."

Consider the text conversation in the screenshot from my phone on the right. Specifically, consider the girl's second text, "How do you guys feel about karaoke tonight? Haha"

The placement of the "haha" at the end of the text betrays insecurity. It makes the laughter sound like it was an after-thought, pinned on at the end to soften the text's meaning - because it was. In this instance, the girl wanted to invite me and my friends out, but was unsure about whether I would like her suggestion - hence the awkward laugh after her question. (It is worth noting that the karaoke suggestion text arrived about an hour after the one suggesting that we join them.)

In normal speech we laugh as an idea forms in our mind, and then we verbalize it - often while still laughing; but we almost never say something and laugh afterwards (one exception to this is when we tell a joke with a punch line). So the "haha" at the end of a text sounds forced and awkward, and therefore insecure. It is the text-equivalent of a person saying something sarcastically when they actually mean exactly what they are saying, but don't have the balls to say it to you straight.

Imagine if the same text, in the same conversation, were instead written with the laughter at the start:

"Haha how do you guys feel about karaoke tonight?"

Suddenly the laughter sounds genuine and the insecurity is gone. The text changes from connoting "I hope you will like the idea of karaoke but I am worried that you won't so I'm going to pretend it's only semi-serious" to "Here is a ridiculous but fun idea: let's go do karaoke tonight. Are you in?"

So this tip is simple: never place laughter at the end of a text, and certainly don't follow up a text with another that just says "haha" (this has the same bad effect but to a greater degree).

Sticking to this rule can help you save face when you are texting men. More importantly, it will force you to acknowledge and correct your insecurity each time you feel it: the act of fixing the laughter in your text will force you to internalize the more confident stance it conveys, and this confidence will gradually become a habit.


Related Posts
1. other Texting Tips (coming soon)
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Don't Initiate Contact

I wrote a similar post about not initiating contact after a guy breaks up with you. This is somewhat related, but deals instead with the beginning of a relationship. The underlying principles, however, are the same...

Women are forever trying to figure out a man's intentions by reading between the lines of texts, interpreting things he said, or things he didn't. This is usually too difficult to warrant the effort it takes, but it is entirely the wrong approach for another reason: there are all kinds of men that are willing and able to lie their way into a woman's pants - yes, even yours. If you find yourself having difficulty determining a man's level of interest because "first he said X, but then he said Y," or even if you know exactly what he is saying and are sure he is interested, stop yourself. What a man says is the worst possible indicator of his interest: you need to pay attention to what he does.

This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship. I've heard a number of girls actually complain about this, apparently preferring a situation in which they wouldn't be stigmatized for chasing men, or even for taking the initiative in "small things" like the first phone call or date. (These complaints always come from women who don't get enough attention from men. If you fall into this category, I suggest you read the other posts.)

If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women.

A woman's "game" can be broken down into the following three parts:

1. Making herself as attractive as possible
2. Making herself approachable
3. Filtering out the men that just want to have sex with her from the men that want to date her

While there is a lot to learn about the first part of female game (optimizing attractiveness), there is just as much to learn about the latter part (filtering). Filtering is necessary because the men that a woman wants to date are a subset of the men that want to have sex with her, and by making herself more attractive to potential boyfriends she also is making herself more attractive to all men. Because I needed to practice my skills in PowerPoint, I've illustrated this with a Venn diagram:

As most girls probably know, it can be difficult to determine which men fall into which category. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you are only paying attention to what a man says, it can be impossible. A girl interested in saving her time and emotional energy needs to be as adept as possible at discerning these these types of men. And this is why it is so important for a woman not to initiate contact with a man. When you initiate contact with a man before you know his intentions, you are denying yourself the least equivocal and therefore most important indication of his interest. I will go as far as to say that you are denying yourself the only reliable indication of his interest.

A man might make eye contact with you from across the bar, but unless he overcomes his fear or leaves his buddies in order to approach you, he isn't into you enough. Don't approach him. A man might say he wants to see you, but unless he calls to set up a date, he doesn't care enough. Don't call or text him. A man might tell you to come and visit him, but if he cares enough, he will come to you if you suggest it.

I could give all kinds of examples, but you get the point. By making it easy for a man, you risk wasting your time and energy on someone who is only interested in having sex with you, or maybe worse, someone who will actually agree to a relationship or even marriage, only to change his mind months or years later when he realizes he wants someone he considers better. Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest.

Disclaimer: A man will jump over a lot of hurdles to sleep with a woman that is hotter than himself, or at least, hotter than the other girls he's slept with. The more attractive you are relative to him, the more cautious you need to be. This is complicated by the fact that it is perfectly possible for a man that is less attractive than a girl to be sexually attracted to her and interested in her as a person (i.e. not overwhelmed by her beauty so much that he doesn't consider her personality). There is a danger of losing a guy like this by putting up too many hurdles and discouraging him. My suggestion: don't play below your league.

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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.


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